


A Door in the Wall

by Phoenix2013



Category: Glee
Genre: Complete, Deaf Character, Disability, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Out With A Bang Big Bang, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 72
Words: 406,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix2013/pseuds/Phoenix2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if roles were reversed and Quinn would be a famous star on Broadway? And what if Rachel had disappeared all of a sudden from the stage life? What happened to make Rachel Berry give up on her life's dream?<br/>After four years without contact Quinn is probably the last person Rachel would want to see. But Quinn is determined to find her. If she does, will they ever be able to come to terms with their respective pasts, presents and feelings?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Thanks a lot to my beta reader Nicole Craft for her valuable comments and suggestions! Any mistakes left are solely my fault!**

**I do not own Glee or any characters from the show.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The final note softly left Quinn's lips and drifted towards the mesmerized audience. She closed her eyes, reveled in that short instant where all sounds slowly died down before a cacophony of cheers and claps from the audience broke the silence, and brought her back to reality.

When she opened her eyes again she got a glimpse of the audience in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a movement against the blinding stage lights. She noted a small silhouette getting up from the seat to the right, quickly moving towards the exit. Something about that person felt familiar to Quinn. Then she shrugged it off, smiled at the auditorium, and took a graceful bow.

After the curtain had swished close, the people outside did not cease applauding. It brought a smile to Quinn's lips every single time at the end of every show. She loved it so much! Singing and being on stage felt so good and so right for her! It was a dream come true that she never knew she had.

Had someone told her years ago that this would be her life's fulfillment she would have laughed them off. She would have turned them around and pointed down the hallway of McKinley High School towards a petite brown haired girl who practically lived Broadway with every fiber of her being.

This had always been Rachel Berry's dream. Not hers.

At least that was what she had thought at that time. She had never imagined herself to have enough talent, enough drive, enough strength to survive, much less succeed in this business. She had never been as determined as Rachel. And never as good. Thus, it astonished her so much more that the roles somehow seemed reversed now.

Rachel.

Quinn sobered up at the thought of her old friend. Her memory wandered back to the silhouette she had watched disappear during the final ovations. What was it that kept nagging her in her mind about that? It always happened. People had to leave a few minutes earlier to catch their train, to relieve the baby sitter, to avoid the crowds filing out at the end of the show.

Even if Quinn had laid eyes on her for just a second, something about the way that person had moved struck a nerve. She felt the familiar pang in her heart. Just like the silhouette, she had let Rachel slip out of her life.

No. That was not true. She had pushed her. Without explanation.

Rachel had tried to call her so many times, had sent countless text messages, handwritten letters. One day she had even shown up in person and Quinn had watched her from afar, as Rachel waited in front of her dorm building, with a look of utter bewilderment, hurt and disappointment on her face. It had made Quinn's heart ache so much that she had to dig her nails into the tree she was hiding behind to stop herself from racing towards her former high school friend, collecting her in her arms begging for forgiveness.

Even though she knew that Rachel would have forgiven her, Quinn could not bring herself to do it. Rachel would probably even have understood why Quinn had acted like that. But the blond girl could not let herself give in. She knew that she would have fallen deeper than she could ever imagine. She knew that she would have just drowned in those soft brown eyes. And it would have deterred her completely off course. So she had stayed hidden until Rachel finally left, her small shoulders slouched in defeat.

Even though it had almost broken Quinn's heart as she left another one of Rachel's calls unanswered, she could not bring herself to act differently. Otherwise she would have always stayed in Rachel's shadow, just being the friend (that could sing a little) of the soon to be Broadway star. And then she would have never been able to live up to Rachel's talent. This had almost blinded her in recognizing her own.

It was nothing that Rachel had ever insinuated; it was never something she would have hinted at however slightly. Quinn knew that these feelings of inadequacy grew solely on her own turf. But there was nothing she could do to fight them off. If she ever wanted to succeed on stage, she would have to do it on her own.

Without Rachel close by.

Eventually the calls had gotten less frequent and so had the text messages. Until one day they stopped completely.

It had seemed so right at that time. When Quinn started her first year at Yale, she had found herself always picking classes that would keep her singing. She had also chosen art and writing classes. Her plan had originally been to become a writer, maybe even write plays. But something always pulled her back towards the music and singing. And with the right training she had developed her voice further, discovering a power that surprised herself the most. Her teacher however had seemed less surprised the first time Quinn hit the G5. And she hit it with a power that left the blonde herself speechless afterwards.

There had just been this knowing little smile playing around Mrs Siebert's lips. When Quinn hugged her after the lesson, she had told her how proud she was of Quinn. And that she had been waiting for that moment when Quinn would finally open up and let everything out without holding back. These successes fuelled Quinn to go on, to push herself harder and further.

But keeping Rachel out of her life was easier said than done.

While walking back to her dressing room after the final curtain call, the memories of Rachel lingered.

It seemed so wrong all of a sudden that Quinn was on her way to stardom when Rachel had disappeared completely from the public eye some months ago. And Quinn could not find any explanation for that. It just did not make sense. None at all.

Even the tabloids could not provide a satisfactory explanation. A lame excuse about Rachel Berry needing time off due to private reasons. Nothing more. And no one could provide any other details. Neither where she went nor why nor how.

The Broadway star had managed a daunting vanishing act.

This at a time when her path lay so clearly in front of her. No one had ever doubted that Rachel would become one of the best performers in New York. She had always carried this air of confidence around her, the kind that in former times had made Quinn angry and envious at the same time. Though when she had heard her sing for the first time, the petite girl's voice raised goose bumps on her skin. That had irritated and confused Quinn to no end. How could a girl's voice trigger such a reaction in her? A voice coming from a girl that could be _so_ annoying at times.

Quinn had hidden her confusion behind her aloof behaviour and insults she threw at Rachel as her classmates threw slushies.

But no matter how often Rachel was down, she had always managed to get up again, brush off the dirt and piece together her pride. How on god's earth did she do that? And how was it that no matter how cruelly people treated her, she still reached out to help them up should life's little speed bumps get one of them off balance. Like when Quinn was pregnant. Rachel didn't make fun of her, as Quinn would have done had roles been reversed. Rachel just set her straight and offered her friendship and support.

Ok, Rachel could also be really irritating at times when she was fighting for solos and stage time with blind ambition. Then again, that was just who she was. It was what drove her, what gave her the stamina to face the obstacles they threw in her way, what gave her the backbone to never ever let her dream get out of sight. It gave her the strength to really live her dream.

And she had succeeded!

Rachel had practically been snatched right away from the NYADA auditorium on to the stages of New York. Two years later, she had already secured her first lead in her favourite musical. Even during her studies she had successfully auditioned and landed some smaller roles on and off Broadway. They had helped pay her bills and enrich her stage experience.

Quinn sighed and sunk into the chair in front of the mirror in the dressing room. She looked at her own reflection, wondering why the small incident at the end of the show pushed her so far down memory lane. Especially since this particular lane was not one that Quinn liked to travel. It always brought back the guilt she stashed away. Nevertheless, this night, Quinn was not able to turn back and head the other direction. Something pushed her further down that road.

Despite her vow never to come close to Rachel again, Quinn _had_ followed her former friend's success throughout the art press and read most of the reviews. Whenever the pain and longing to reconnect with her became unbearable, she searched the internet for news of her. It just was not possible for Quinn to erase Rachel completely out of her mind. And heart.

On one particularly tough day, when Quinn had felt that even with all her important reasons she could not stand being apart from Rachel any longer, she went to see her perform in her biggest show yet, a _Funny Girl_ rendition.

And she was amazing! Quinn's eyes were glued to the brunette's form whenever she was on stage, her voice washed over the blond girl like soft silk, sending endless shivers down her spine.

Quinn had known from the beginning that it had been a mistake to come; had known that the next couple of weeks it would be so much harder for her to find her own standing again. But a small part in her still cherished the experience of that particular evening, still held Rachel's voice captive in her head. Not that she had ever forgotten, but now it seemed even riper, more powerful - if that was even possible - and it had a depth to it that seemed to enchant everyone whose ears were graced with its beautiful, full cadence. Rachel didn't need songs or words; Rachel's voice _was_ the song.

As Quinn lingered in the memories of that evening, while removing her make-up, it hit her full throttle. She stopped in mid-motion, her hand with a cotton pad poised motionless on her cheek.

She needed to hear that voice again. She needed to call Rachel. She needed to find her.

Needed to know what happened.

Whatever the consequences.

She hurried to get out of the theatre. At home, she dropped her bag on the kitchen counter and dug out her cell phone. Perching on a bar stool she scrolled down to Rachel's number and then hesitated. Would the number still be active? After all, it had been over four years now. And no one had heard anything about Rachel for the past 6 months. So it was very probable that the number was out of service.

Quinn let her arm sink until her hand in which she cradled the phone lay in her lap, Rachel's old number still shining prominently on the screen. Then, with what felt like a superhuman effort she moved her thumb and pressed the call button.

The phone was ringing. And God, she was nervous!

There was an automated recording that asked callers to leave a message after the tone. Quinn hesitated again, disappointed but at the same time relieved at not hearing Rachel's voice. She really had no idea how she would have reacted had her former friend actually picked up the phone.

She took a deep breath.

"Rachel. It's Quinn. I… I … what happened?" She then blurted out. "What happened to you? Where did you disappear to?"

She paused for a moment. Then prodded on, fearing that the recording would end before she had said everything she needed to say.

"I know it sounds crazy that the question is coming from me, who disappeared from your life completely for the past four years. I can understand that I am probably the last person you would want to talk to or listen to, but I need to know that you are ok. Please. Please call me back. And please let me explain." She paused again for a second. "I really miss you. A lot."

Quinn heard the hurt, the worry, the pain and the longing etched in her voice reverberate against her own ears. Afterwards she sat motionless for a very long time, noting the feelings she had so long hidden and shoved down pushing their way back up into her consciousness. And this time, she did not have the strength nor the will to fight them. This time she would face the music.

... ... ... **  
**

Rachel saw the display of her mobile phone light up on her nightstand. The message that flickered across the screen informed her that she had received a message on her voice mail. She had left the phone on mute. Well, she would listen to it later.

Or tomorrow. Or whenever. Whatever.

She turned around in her bed and closed her eyes. Best to go back to sleep. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that could help her escape.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Glee nor any characters from the show**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

When Rachel woke up the next morning, she still felt tired, even though she had slept for nine hours straight. Slowly she shuffled into the bathroom, stepped into the shower and leaned against the wall. She let the hot water wash over her body and felt the hot drops prick her skin. The water had to be either steaming hot or ice cold for her these days. She needed to feel something. Anything.

Feeling.

That's what it all had come down to. Physically.

Emotionally, she did not want to feel anything. She did not want to go down that road.

Life had deserted her, deflated her. There seemed to be nothing left of her and for her. She was just an empty shell that functioned automatically. She did not want to think. She did not want to escape that numbness that surrounded her every second of her life. So she just stuck to routine. It evoked the least stirring in her heart and soul.

So _it_ would not surface again.

So _it_ would stay buried deep inside.

_It -_ that should be as dead as Rachel felt. But it always came back with full blown force in moments she least expected it, leaving her a sobbing wreck once again. Then she would curl up into a ball on her bed and try to shut the whole world out, until she somehow managed to stuff everything down again.

Stepping out of the shower, Rachel dreaded the moment she had to leave her apartment. To go out there into the world that was so foreign to her now. The world had been her stage. Now it was a living nightmare. She did not want to leave her small apartment that she had traded in for her bigger one that used to be close to Broadway. It was now her sanctuary, her hiding place. Nothing here reminded her of what she had lost. She did not want to face a world where she would still see _it_ flowing around freely, knowing it was never meant to be hers again.

She held tight to the handrail as she walked down the stairs, trying to avoid another tumble. She still had bruises left from the last time she went head down the flight of stairs. Luckily, nothing had been broken. At least not physically. There did not seem to be anything left that could break on any other level.

Fortunately, she did not have to walk very far to her destination. The only obstacle she had to face was passing the small but renowned theater down the street. It was well known to help start up the careers of new talents. Many who had managed to land a role in one of the plays or musicals in the _Beacon Theater_ had moved on to bigger stages.

She had not needed that kind of boost. She was recruited right off NYADA's stage to one of the bigger Broadway shows; as a supporting act at first, but she had stunned everyone with her talent and voice, moving up quickly. Rachel had been considered as one of the youngest people to ever land a leading role on Broadway. And not just any role. One of her dream roles, Funny Girl.

But that was in the past.

Now, every time she passed the theater, she held her head down, not wanting to see the hopeful faces, the happy faces. Not even the disappointed faces. Because even they still had the chance to pick themselves off the floor and try once more. That was one chance more than Rachel had.

Their glasses were still half full. Hers was half empty, draining quickly.

Rachel had tried to walk a detour once in order to not having to go through this inner torment. But walking around the whole block to avoid the theater just meant being outside longer and having to face more people. She was trained to live show, to breathe show, to _be_ show since her very early childhood. She could spot her "fellow art colleagues", as she called them, already miles away. And there were so many in this city, just everywhere. Taking the longer route meant possibly noticing more of them.

She did not want to see them. Did not want to feel their stares bore down to her soul. As if they all knew what had happened, as if it was written on her face. So she kept her head down, stuck to the shorter route, even though this meant hurrying past the theater entrance. They were holding auditions for a new play. Rachel had seen the sign some days ago.

She almost breathed a sigh of relief once she was past the building. Just a little bit further down the street and she would be safe again.

All of a sudden Rachel caught a quick movement out of the corner of her eye, instinctively turned her head and froze.

' _Oh no, oh no!'_ Rachel felt her breath quickening, thoughts hammering in her head. _'That can't be! It just can't!'_

She ducked her head and hurried on, hiding her surprise, shock and fear behind the dark hair that fell around her face.

Then she felt someone tuck at the sleeve of her jacket. Her heart sank to the bottom of her feet. She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around.

...

Quinn did not believe her eyes when she crossed the street in front of the _Beacon Theater_. She saw a small figure, similar to Rachel's that hurried past the entrance. Then she looked again.

Wait. That could not be. Or could it?

At a second glance, the person looked very much like Rachel. She moved like Rachel. She had the same, long, brown hair as Rachel. Her heart almost stopped when she realized that she actually _was_ Rachel!

Quinn called her name and practically ran across the street to catch up with her.

"Rachel, wait, please!"

She must have heard her. When Rachel did not stop, Quinn hastened her steps even more and grabbed her sleeve from behind.

...

Rachel closed her eyes for a second before she faced Quinn. Of all the people in the world, why did it have to be her? Why now? Why at all?

With dread, she turned around. To stifle any words that could come from Quinn, she spoke first.

"Quinn."

Her whisper was so quiet that Quinn had to lean forward a little to hear her. That caught Rachel even more off guard. She locked eyes with the blonde for a second. Quinn still had those beautiful green eyes and what she saw in them cut right through her armor.

But she couldn't have that. Not now, not yet. She couldn't handle anyone she knew. Hell, she couldn't handle anyone. Period.

So she broke the eye contact.

"Quinn, please don't." Again only a low whisper. Then she shook her head. "I can't."

With that Rachel turned and walked away. Away from these eyes that she saw every night in her dreams, from the smile that made her heart warm. Away from the one person she would have given her heart to. But that was then. Now everything was different.

Rachel almost expected Quinn to come after her and feared feeling her hand on her sleeve again. But luckily she was able to continue on her way undisturbed, desperately trying to hold herself upright.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Glee or any of the characters! (Unfortunately, *sigh*)**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Quinn stood on the sidewalk, her gaze trained on Rachel's back, her name hung unspoken on her lips. She wanted to call after her, but stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. She was so shocked about what she had just seen. Had she not committed Rachel's face to her memory in every single detail, she hardly would have recognized her now. She could not find words to describe it. It was… it was just that this did not seem like the Rachel she knew.

That simply was not Rachel.

It was almost a completely foreign person who had stood in front of her. With lifeless brown eyes, pale skin, a defeated air surrounding her. Yes. That was what she had seen. Rachel looked defeated. But why? What the hell had happened to suck the life right out of Rachel Berry, the diva, the person with the strongest backbone she had ever met?

Though just for a fraction of a second, Quinn had also noticed something else flicker across her former friend's face. Was it hope? She could not quite place it, it had been a fleeting moment before shock, surprise, and dismay had commandeered Rachel's features.

Still, something stirred in Quinn's heart. Running into Rachel that day must have been fate. Fate or not, Quinn Fabray would not give up so easily. She watched Rachel enter a small building further down the street to the left.

And then Quinn planted herself in front of the entrance of that same building.

The Community Center.

What was Rachel doing here? Well, she would find out eventually. Quinn hoped that the building did not have another exit where she could miss Rachel should she choose to take another route to exit.

After one and a half hours of waiting and pacing in front of the building, it started to drizzle. Quinn shot a dubious look at the sky. It did not seem that it would stop soon, there were big, grey clouds building up. She decided to wait inside. Luckily, there were some chairs along the wall close to the entrance. She gratefully plopped down on a seat and flipped through a program that lay on a small table next to her.

After waiting another hour Quinn really had to go to the bathroom. But she was afraid to leave her spot. What if Rachel slipped by in that instant? She would lose her again. And there was no way Quinn was going to let that happen.

Finally, when Quinn thought her butt had gone totally numb she saw Rachel coming out of one of the classrooms further down the hall. While walking down the aisle she stuffed a book into her bag and did not notice Quinn until she was almost in front of her.

Rachel gasped when she saw the blond sitting there, looking at her with a small apologetic smile. Before Quinn could react, she observed another woman approaching from behind, tapping Rachel on the shoulder. The brunette jerked around. It seemed to be her teacher from the class she had just visited. At least that was what Quinn guessed, as she came out of the same room that Rachel had left a moment earlier. The tall, slender, and dark haired woman reminded Quinn faintly of Santana.

The teacher handed Rachel a workbook.

"You forgot your book." The woman accompanied her words with signs directed at Rachel before moving on.

Quinn watched the exchange with a mixture of interest and confusion. She did not know that Rachel was familiar with the American Sign Language. Rachel pressed the book against her chest like a shield. With a look of utter dismay on her face, she tried to pass by Quinn to head towards the exit.

Quinn quickly stepped in front of her, a hand on her upper arm to stop her progress.

"Rachel, please, let's talk." Quinn noticed Rachel's gaze flicker from her eyes down to her lips. "Please Rachel. Let's not…" Rachel jerked her arm out of Quinn's grip. She moved back a step and shook her head with an incredulous look on her face.

"Rachel, don't go! I…" Quinn could not finish her sentence. With horror, she watched as Rachel's features convulsed in rage and desperation at the same time before the words broke out of her.

"Quinn, stop talking to me! Don't you get it? I can't hear what you are saying. I can't hear you! Just let me go!" She screamed, struggling against Quinn who had grabbed her again.

Quinn stared at her in absolute shock and Rachel flinched when she saw her expression. She jerked back as if Quinn had slapped her across the face.

When Rachel tried to run for the exit, Quinn held her back once more. She pulled her close and enveloped her in a hug. Quinn had no idea what had possessed her to do that. She felt Rachel fight against her, but did not let go. Then she felt the struggles give way to cries that soon shook the smaller girl's body. If Quinn had not held her upright, Rachel would have landed on the floor in a heap; her small frame was shaken so hard by her crying.

Some people passing by threw them concerned looks, but Quinn ignored them, she did not even notice them. The only thing she noticed was Rachel in her arms. She felt her own tears slide down her face, but could not be bothered to lift one hand away from the small body to brush them off. She let them fall freely and held on to the most important person in her life. She vowed to herself that no matter what had happened to Rachel, she would not leave her again.

Ever.


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Glee or anything that belongs to it.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Rachel was relieved that the Amercan Sign Language lesson was finally over. In the beginning, she had liked learning this new way of communication because she was finally able to express herself again. But she soon found out that there were not really many people to converse with. Basically, the only one she could converse with was her teacher at the community center. And since she had isolated herself from all her friends and family, her hands mostly stayed silent. She would Skype with her dads once in awhile. They put in some effort learning ASL to communicate with her, but these were just some rare moments when Rachel was actually connected so the outside world, to people she knew.

Rachel just did not want to see the pity on people's faces, more so if they knew her from _before_ , knew of her dream, of her success, of her _voice_.

Therefore, when she saw Quinn on the street, it had shocked her to her inner core. She still had not gotten over the fact that her former friend had cut her off in the most ungracious way, ignoring her without ever giving an explanation. It had taken Rachel a very, very long time to not think of Quinn anymore on a daily basis; to not pick up the phone and try for the thousandth time to call her, hoping that this time Quinn would actually pick up the phone.

Rachel's career had helped her to get her mind off Quinn. However, her heart was another matter. Her damn traitorous heart was not with her on this one. She just could not forget. Not even after four years. She was still thinking about Quinn a time too often. She was wondering about her, asking herself the same questions over and over again without ever getting an answer.

After the accident, when she found herself in this horrible new world without sound, without music, without singing, she just wished that Quinn were there. Out of all people and friends she had, she was longing for Quinn. The one person who did not want to have anything to do with her.

During her lesson, Rachel was so distracted to the point that her teacher Carmen Rodalba had asked if she wanted to reschedule. Rachel had denied the offer. She managed to concentrate for five minutes before her mind wandered again.

Why did she have to run into Quinn? Why did that have to happen? It woke all the sleeping demons inside her again, she already felt them stirring. She could not handle that right now. It cost her enough effort to get through each damn day. She wanted to forget that little incident on the street that morning. She wanted to forget Quinn Fabray. Rachel wanted to forget her entire former life and everything that came with it. Maybe that would make it easier to face the life she had now.

With that thought still lingering in her mind when the lesson finished, Rachel was so not prepared to see Quinn a second time that day. She felt all the color drain from her face as Quinn's presence washed over her. Panic started to rise. She wanted to dash to the exit, but Quinn was situated between her and the doors. Unsure, Rachel stood rooted to the spot while a whole range of emotions flooded through her. She felt her heart hammer a stampede in her chest. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder and jerked around. Her teacher brought her the textbook that she had forgotten and with that small exchange gave everything away.

Rachel noticed the bewildered look on Quinn's face. Surely she must have guessed by now what had happened to her. Rachel's chest felt tightened; panicky she was looking for a way to get to the exit, away from Quinn and her imploring eyes.

What did Quinn want from her? Why had she come here? Why could she not leave her alone as Rachel had asked her to? What did Quinn expect by coming back for her? Assuming that she _had_ come back because of Rachel.

Whatever, how should they communicate now? Moreover, how could Rachel ever tell Quinn what had happened and what it had done to her life? Actually, why would it interest Quinn in the first place? She had not been interested in her for the past years. Surely, she would not want to hang around her now, as damaged and useless as she was. Besides, even if Quinn wanted to talk to her, the difficulty started with the simplest thing.

She could not hear what Quinn was saying, neither was Quinn able to sign.

There was just no basis for communication.

Rachel could still speak though. The accident left her deaf, but she still had her voice. Besides sign language lessons she also had had speech therapy– to learn to modulate her voice without being able to hear herself speak. She had not needed many lessons. Her teacher had been surprised at how well she managed. Then again, with her lifelong practice, all she ever did was train and control her voice. Deaf or not, she could still do that. Granted, it took a lot more effort, but she could manage. And her teacher assured her that if one didn't know about her condition, one would not really hear a difference in her speech. That did not happen often, but he assured her that her training at least paid off in that regard.

As if that was a consolation.

Rachel never used her voice. She just was not comfortable speaking. She had to concentrate so much on the other person's face in order to gauge reactions, to try to read lips, observe their body language, that she found it hard to concentrate on modulating her voice. She did not want to concentrate. She just wanted to speak or sing. It always was so easy to her, why was it so damn hard now?

When she had talked to Quinn on the sidewalk, it was the first time in months that she had used her voice again. She was aware that she was whispering, she felt insecure speaking up after not having used her voice for a long time. Her speech therapist had told her to keep practicing, to find people she trusted to give her feedback. But she had shut everyone out. Therefore, no practice.

Now standing in front of Quinn again, she thought hard on how to escape that situation without giving anything away. When she finally decided to run, Quinn held her by the arm. So, no easy escape.

Quinn was just so obnoxiously stubborn! A streak she had already portrayed during their high school years. Rachel should have expected that Quinn would follow her here. Still, it was really upsetting to be near her again.

Under normal circumstances, she would have been miffed, but mostly glad. She would have demanded an explanation, but she probably would have found a way to forgive Quinn and move on to build a new friendship with her.

Now she just could not see how. She was not the Rachel who Quinn knew anymore. She herself did not even know the new Rachel she had become, much less liked her. She missed taking the world head on, missed her own energetic self, happy to take on any new challenge.

She raised her eyes to Quinn's face, flickered shortly to her eyes before settling on her lips. She understood roughly that Quinn mentioned her name and said something about talking. The rest was unreadable. Quinn's lips moved and Rachel had no idea what she was saying. The frustration she had bagged inside for so long exploded in that moment. She had tried to lock up every emotion inside. But Quinn's presence and all that it presented about her past, about what she had lost was a key. A key that unlocked the chest of her emotions. It broke out of her with a force that stunned even herself. She had not spoken a single word in months. Now Quinn had made her raise her voice twice in one day.

She screamed her rage at Quinn. She blamed Quinn for her ignorance, for her ability to still hear and for trespassing into her life without asking. She did not say it in so many words, but she felt all this bitterness and resentment in her voice when she yelled at Quinn.

"Quinn, stop talking to me! Don't you get it? I can't hear what you are saying. I can't _hear_ you! Just let me go!"

When she saw the look of shock on Quinn's beautiful face Rachel lost it completely. She did not want to be pitied, did not want to be looked down on. When Quinn grabbed her she tried to pull away to get out of this situation she knew she would not be able to control anymore, but the arms that surrounded her were too strong. And her will was breaking down.

Fast.

Before she knew it her struggles turned into sobs and she found herself clinging to Quinn's slender form, burying her head in her jacket. She cried so hard she feared she would faint. If Quinn had not held her so tightly, she probably would have collapsed. It seemed that the frustration, anger, and desperation that she had bottled up for the past months gushed out of her and she just could not stop that torrent of tears.

After what seemed like ages, she finally felt her sobs die down, her breath coming up in short little hiccups. She felt Quinn rubbing her back with her hand, her chin lightly on top of her head. Suddenly she was acutely aware of Quinn's nearness, of her body close to hers, of Quinn's heartbeat that she could feel against the side of her head.

Rachel felt embarrassed all of a sudden. She wanted to pull back but Quinn pressed her against herself once more. After a short hesitation, Rachel just leaned into the embrace again. And just for a small moment, she allowed herself to forget about everything else.

She held Quinn in her arms, and even though Quinn now knew Rachel's truth, she had not run away. Neither did Quinn let her escape, as she had wanted to. Instead, she just embraced Rachel and that embrace told her everything without having to use any words.

After another while, Quinn loosened her arms and pulled back a little. Rachel let go reluctantly, fearing that Quinn would pull away completely after having seen her break down. She could not imagine what Quinn could still be wanting from her. One embrace did not mean anything. She had probably interpreted too much meaning into it.

But the blond woman just cupped Rachel's face in her hands and raised her head to look into her eyes. Rachel's eyes flickered back to Quinn's lips, but they didn't move. So she gazed up into her eyes again. What she saw there, let her tears flow freely again. And she thought she had already cried them all. She did not know that a person could convey so much, so many feelings and meanings in one single look.

Quinn's eyes were full of concern, warmth, and tenderness. She saw hope in these green pools. And something else.

Something she could not quite believe. So she looked again. It was definitely there.

Through her tears, she noticed Quinn smile, bend down a little, and place a kiss on her forehead. God, would this woman ever stop surprising her one way or the other?

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**Again, I do not own Glee or its characters.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes that she had fallen in love with right after falling for Rachel's voice back at McKinley. She tried to convey all her feelings in one look, wanting desperately for Rachel to see, to understand that she would never leave her again. No matter what had happened to her, no matter if she could hear or not.

Quinn still had to digest this and what consequences it brought to Rachel's life, but for now she was just so glad to have found her again. They would manage to overcome this barrier, she was sure of it, but she wasn't sure if Rachel was willing to. After all, how could she trust her again? Quinn would not blame her if she left her standing there, not wanting to traverse further. But something in her heart told her that Rachel would not turn away this time.

And there she stood, smiling shyly, apologetically, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Then Quinn noticed Rachel's gaze shift to her right. She heard someone approaching from behind and turned to look. It was the teacher who had handed Rachel the book earlier on.

"Rachel, are you ok?" The tutor signed as she spoke, concern lacing her voice.

Rachel nodded.

_Yes, thank you_ , she signed as she mouthed the words without sound, suddenly feeling very self-conscious in Quinn's presence.

Rachel's teacher looked at Quinn and after a short hesitation, she extended her hand.

"Hi, I'm Carmen, Rachel's ASL coach."

"Hi, I'm Quinn. An old… friend of Rachel's from High School. Nice to meet you." Again the words were accompanied with Carmen's signing for Rachel's benefit.

Quinn touched Rachel's forearm lightly to get her attention.

"Rachel." With a quizzical expression, Quinn then looked at Carmen. The dark haired women understood immediately and positioned herself next to Quinn. This way Rachel would be able to see Quinn and Carmen's interpretation. With a short nod of her head and a smile, she motioned Quinn to continue, while she could interpret for the other young woman.

Quinn took a deep breath.

"Would you… would you like to have some lunch with me?"

Rachel did not answer at first. Quinn noticed her chew on her lower lip, a habit she had also displayed in high school when she was unsure of something or when she was deep in thoughts.

The blond young woman already feared she would decline. She noticed Rachel's gaze flicker to the exit. Clearly, she felt uncomfortable. Quinn understood that under these circumstances, her unbidden presence must have put Rachel under immense pressure. She was about to back out of her offer and already took a breath to offer her friend a way out when Rachel nodded.

Quinn's heart almost leaped out of her chest with so much joy that small concession from her friend had brought her. Could she call her _friend_ , still?

"Rachel, I … don't know ASL very well. Some words I remember from classes in middle school, but I am far from fluent." She smiled apologetically. "I don't want … I don't want us to feel awkward. What form of communication are you comfortable with if there is no interpreter?"

Quinn fervently hoped that she had not offended Rachel with that open and honest question. She tried to relay all her feelings into her own eyes, wishing the brown haired girl would be able to read everything in them. She wanted Rachel to see that she was willing to do whatever it took to get back into her former best friend's life. She was willing to adapt to however that life looked like now. Her only wish was to make Rachel comfortable, so she could learn to trust her again.

Rachel seemed to ponder the question. Carmen wanted to say something to her but Rachel stopped her with her hand held up.

_Paper and pen usually does the trick_. She moved her hands while Carmen spoke the words aloud. Then Rachel dug into her bag and pulled out a little notebook. She scribbled something on an empty page and handed it to Quinn.

Quinn almost had to smile at the flourishing handwriting. Except for the missing little circles on the i's it was still the same handwriting she knew. The familiarity gave her a warm feeling.

_I know a small but good vegan :-) Restaurant nearby._

Quinn had to laugh at the smiley. She jutted her chin out to the direction of the door and smiled. Rachel quickly thanked Carmen and walked next to Quinn towards the door. Outside she pointed to the left and Quinn followed her lead.

While walking down the sidewalk, they both stole glances at each other every time they thought the other wasn't looking. They tried to gauge each other's moods, both hoping that the other girl did not regret the decision of having lunch together.

After walking a block, Quinn touched Rachel's right arm. When she turned with a questioning look on her face, Quinn wrapped her again in a hearty embrace and held her for a moment. When she let her go again, Rachel had a little frown on her face and a small smile as if to ask _what was that all about._

Quinn shrugged and looked sheepishly on the ground, a smile playing around her lips. Her actions had surprised herself. She just had to let Rachel know how thankful she was for their encounter, however dramatic it had been.

... ... ...

Rachel found herself walking through the streets beside Quinn feeling… feeling oddly… she was searching for the right word. Feeling somehow lighter. As if some of the heaviness on her heart had been lifted.

She was also surprised at how live could change from one second to the next. Just like her accident had changed her whole life in an instant, the meeting with Quinn etched a door into one of her self-erected walls all of a sudden. Well, maybe not a full door. But a hatch.

Still, Quinn would have a lot of explaining to do and all of that in this paper pencil style would be very arduous and time consuming. That thought sobered her up. All of a sudden, her mood changed again to that well-known dread.

What on earth was she thinking? Going to lunch with someone? Not just someone, Quinn! Rachel still could not grasp what she was doing and what Quinn really wanted from her. This wasn't a game. This was her life now. She could not let Quinn enter just to watch her leave again as soon as she noticed that she could not have a normal conversation with her anymore. Not if she was not able to speak _her_ language. Everything was so much more complicated.

After stripping everything else off, it came down to the point that there was no music left in Rachel Berry's life. Rachel had also followed Quinn's career moves. Quinn was a singer on Broadway! How could she want a deaf friend? The little familiar voice kept nagging inside her head and lead her to slow her steps until she came to a stop. Quinn turned around and furrowed her brow.

Rachel shook her head and looked down. She had to escape those green, imploring eyes. God, she had always thought that Quinn had the most beautiful eyes but only now Rachel noticed that Quinn could speak volumes in just a single glance, putting all her feelings into one look, transmitting so much without words. She could _read_ Quinn like no one else. Quinn's eyes found their way directly into her soul.

It scared her.

A piece of paper entered her field of vision.

_Rachel, I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. But don't expect me to give up on you again! If you walk, I walk with you. If you hide again, I will hide with you. I will stay. No matter what._

Rachel shook her head and raised her shoulders and mouthed without a sound _why?_

Damn, she felt tears filling her eyes again.

_Let's sit down and let's get something to eat. Then we can discuss this further, ok? C'mon :-)._

She could almost hear Quinn's silky voice behind the written words. Quinn did not wait for an answer but tenderly took her right hand and tugged playfully. Rachel felt her feet moving on their own. What now, not just her heart, her feet also betrayed her now? Such traitors!

They found a booth in the corner of the almost empty restaurant. Quinn let Rachel choose and she picked the side of the table where she had the rest of the room in front of her and the wall behind her. This way, she had everything in her field of vision and no one could startle her from behind.

It did not really look like a typical vegan place. It rather reminded Quinn of a diner straight from the 60s. The floor was covered in black and white tiles, the bar and walls up to the elbows were painted in petrol and the seats of the booths and stools at the bar were spanned in yellow artificial leather. The bar itself looked like the front end of an enormous stylized old Cadillac.

Quinn decided to start their conversation with a light topic.

_You know, this place looks like they serve meat burgers instead of tofu…_

The observation had the desired effect. Rachel smiled at the comment and scribbled an answer.

_I know. This used to be a burger joint, but the new owner liked the interior design so much so he decided to keep it that way. I like it!_

_Burger "joint"? Rachel, really?_ Quinn teased with a mischievous smile on her face.

Rachel waved dismissively with a hand at Quinn's comment.

_It's written like that in the menu when you look at the first page._

They both buried their heads in the menus and took a few minutes to select their meal.

Quinn looked up and met Rachel's brown eyes. The blonde smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden under the scrutiny of Rachel's gaze. Then Rachel waved a little with the menu and looked quizzically at Quinn. The blonde turned her menu upside down so Rachel could read it and pointed to the fried rice with tofu and grilled vegetables. She nodded her approval and showed Quinn what she would order.

When the waitress approached, Quinn ordered her own food. With a glance at Rachel, she asked for her permission to order for her as well.

Rachel was surprised. It seemed so natural and so easy around Quinn. She did not pretend and she did not decide for her. She accepted her and at the same time adapted to her needs without much show or pretense.

It was so much more difficult with her dads. Well, it had gotten better, but she felt just horrible around them in the beginning. They had really been trying but were either overbearing or more devastated than she was; one of the reasons she had decided to stay in New York.

Rachel felt a tap on her hand. Quinn slid the pad towards her.

_Where are you? You seemed a million miles away._

_Thinking about my dads._

_Do you miss them? Don't you wanna go..._

Quinn scratched the last sentence she had begun to write.

Rachel frowned at the crossed out words. Quinn made a dismissive gesture, indicating she should forget about it. Instead the brunette started to note something down.

Quinn craned her neck to read and when she did not succeed, she simply shifted over and sat next to Rachel so she could get the life stream of her words.

_Yes. I miss them. But I was remembering – before I was interrupted :-) - that I just could not bear to stay around them. It was too hard. I lost my hearing, but they acted as if they had lost everything. I was so confused, so lonely, and so hurt in the beginning. I needed their support but it was more as if I had to comfort them. It took more strength than I could give. Therefore, I decided to stay here. I could finally convince them to go back and leave me here by myself. _

Rachel paused for a moment.

_Besides, even though I understood that this city would never mean the same for me, I could not turn my back yet. Going back to Lima would have meant I failed. I just couldn't face that yet. Though I have no idea how my future will look like…_

She gently laid the pen down and stared at the paper. The pen rolled off the pad and landed on the table with a little chunk.

Quinn reached out and stopped herself. Then she slowly placed her hand over Rachel's and squeezed it lightly. Before she could reply, the waitress approached with their food.

It tasted delicious and Quinn enjoyed the meal. Though she noticed that Rachel did not eat much, she pushed the food around on the plate. The brunette had always been a picky eater, but when she liked something, she would display a healthy desire for food. So maybe it was the company that spoiled her appetite, Quinn thought glumly.

Too soon, her own plate was empty and she dreaded the moment she had to say goodbye to Rachel. She did not want to leave her nor did she wish for Rachel to leave. She was desperately raking her brain to find a reason to delay the inevitable. She still had so many questions she wanted to ask!

_What's the look of panic on your face, Quinn?_

Damn, busted.

_I am worried that you will starve. You haven't eaten anything. Bad company? :-)  
Rachel, if I spoiled the mood with my questions, I apologize. It is not my place to make such personal inquiries. Even though I still have many...:-) _

Quinn smiled at Rachel while she read it, hoping to lighten the mood again.

_How about I ask some questions now for a change?_

Quinn nodded once at that.

_What were you doing in this part of the town? And why did you follow me after I told you I didn't want to speak to you?_

Uh, ok, coming down to the grain now. Quinn collected her thoughts for a moment.

_I went with a friend to the Beacon Theater. They're having auditions for a new show. I have my day off, so I offered to accompany her.  
As for your second question, I had been thinking of you for a long long time. Thinking of all the wrongs I did you for whatever good reasons I thought I had, but I realized that I couldn't go on without you in my life. It felt like… there was always something missing. So I started looking for you. I swore to myself that I would figure out what made you abandon your dream, disappearing completely off the surface of the earth. _

Quinn debated whether to write the next sentence. Then she decided to stick to open honesty.

_I called you yesterday and left a message on your voice mail. Rachel, I'm really sorry, I didn't know… I shouldn't have… well, your old number was the only thing that I still had to start with. It was a surprise that it still worked. I almost expected it to be out of service._

Rachel plucked the pen out of her fingers.

_Elaborate. Why did you decide you needed me in your life all of a sudden?_

_I didn't decide "all of a sudden". I knew it from the first moment. I think I already fell for you way back then. The only problem was that I didn't want to face the truth, even though it was almost unbearable to spend my time apart from you. But…_ Quinn stopped writing and felt the tears threatening to come out behind her eyes. She looked up and took a deep breath, her eyes roaming the restaurant without seeing anything, just trying to get a hold on her feelings.

Rachel tapped a small finger at the "but", indicating for her friend to continue.

_Rachel, I don't want to go there if it hurts you too much._

_Go where?_

_In order to explain myself I have to explain what you and your talent meant to me. But I can understand that you might not want to discuss this._

Rachel stared at the notepad and did not move for several moments. Then she bit her lower lip.

_Well, that talent is no more. And you are right. It hurts too much. Let's get the check, ok?_

Quinn was slightly taken aback by Rachel's words. Though she could understand and she had asked for it. Nevertheless, she feared that the slight bond she had felt developing between them had ripped again.

She stole a glance at the brunette. Rachel sat with her hands folded in her lap, solemnly staring at the table, avoiding Quinn's gaze.

... ... ...

Rachel felt a tumult of feelings raging inside her when she read Quinn's words. Was it true? She actually wanted Rachel in her life? And what did she mean by 'I fell for you'? Well, whatever it meant, that was obviously a long time ago and before Quinn knew what had happened.

On the other hand, Quinn had not abandoned her so far, she even went to have lunch with her. And overall it wasn't as bad Rachel had expected it to be. Somehow, she had not felt left out. Quinn had managed to include her. Even though she had ordered, she had asked for her permission to do so. She did not _assume_ , as most people did. Rachel had to admit that Quinn was really making an effort here.

Rachel felt the note pad nudge her hand slightly. She lifted her eyes and scanned the sentence she had written again. _…that talent is no more_. Then her eyes dropped to the newly added line from Quinn.

_Rachel, but you still are. And you still mean a lot to me._

Rachel felt the beautiful green eyes on her. She could not quite bring herself to meet them. It was all so confusing. She had expected to have everything under control, all her feelings stowed away neatly into some place where they would never surface again. But as Quinn drifted back into her life, all these emotions washed back into her heart. And there was nothing she could do about it.

On one hand, she felt so inexplicably happy that Quinn was sitting here next to her, that she was actually interested in her, wanted to know how she was. On the other hand, it just made Rachel's loss even more prominent.

As long as she was alone, she could try to ignore the fact that she was deaf. Well, try. Though never completely succeed. As soon as she interacted with another person, she became painfully aware of her limitations. It was present in every single moment. She was different. She was a bother. People had to accommodate to her needs. Rachel did not want to feel like that. She did not want to be a burden. So she stayed by herself.

Yes, she was used to other people accommodating to her needs. However, that was because she had this incredible talent and nourishing it just had meant for others to step back and let her take the lead. Sometimes she had forced this more than necessary, she had realized belatedly.

However, the difference then was, she had always had a choice. Now she didn't.

Quinn also had a choice. And she had chosen to stay. Even though it was still difficult for Rachel to gauge Quinn's true feelings. She wished so much to hear her voice. Hear the sincerity ring behind the words she had pinned down on the lined paper. So finally, she raised her eyes and met Quinn's gaze and saw the truth behind the words she had written.

She practically begged for Rachel to believe her. There was something else in Quinn's eyes that caused Rachel to catch her breath. She almost reached out to her friend in a close embrace, but stopped herself just in time.

She could not let that happen. The doubts still lingered, despite all the pretty words the blond had written down. Could she trust Quinn ever again? No. She would not let Quinn ride into her life like her knight in shining armor to save her from the dreary life as a deaf girl with dead dreams. Rachel had already opened up too much for her own good. It would be difficult to live through the memories of these two encounters with Quinn.

Rachel pulled out her wallet and searched for the waitress, ignoring Quinn's pleading look. She pulled out some bills and placed them on the table. She had to leave. Now.

_Please Quinn, I need to go. I can't do this anymore now._

When she saw that Quinn had read the sentence, she stuffed the legal pad in her bag and stood, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Quinn. Thus making it very clear that she had ended their conversation, not giving the other woman a chance at reconnecting.

Quinn sat stunned at the table, and Rachel hoped that she would just let her leave. However, a small traitorous part inside her was almost a little disappointed that there was no hand holding her back.

Outside she took a deep breath. She knew that she was acting irrationally, but she could not help herself. She had lived too long in her cocoon to let someone in so quickly.

When she reached her apartment, all she wanted was for sleep to wash away the memory about the last hours. But her mind would not let her rest. And sleep deprived her, usually the only remedy that had always helped to end the carousel of thoughts in her head.

Finally Rachel got up again and sat on the couch with her laptop and stared at the empty screen for a long time. Her mobile phone lay next to her on the cushion. Then she snatched it, connected it to the laptop and opened a software that allowed her to transcribe speech into written text. After a short moment, Quinn's message flickered across her screen.

 

* * *

 

 

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own glee or its characters.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 6**

After Rachel had left, Quinn sat for a while at the table, not knowing what to do. She had to fight the urge to run after her friend again. She was so afraid that she had hurt Rachel, afraid that she could not make her understand what she really felt.

How could she demonstrate to Rachel that her motives were far more than simple pity? Quinn was most afraid that Rachel thought she wanted to stay in contact just because she felt sorry for her. Rachel would never accept that. It was all right to feel sad; it was also all right to cry together as they had done in the hallway that morning. But Quinn once promised herself to never feel pity for anyone and Rachel would never see that on her face. She deserved better than that.

Quinn had always perceived it as one of the worst feelings someone could confront her with. Feeling pity for someone meant that you belittled the other person. The picture of someone sitting in a ditch and other people were looking down thinking _'boy, am I glad that I am not in that pit'_ had always appeared in her mind whenever she thought about pity. She always imagined that this was where the word 'pity' came from. Or from the French word 'petite', which meant small or little. In any case, it only held negative connotations for her.

She had learnt the hard way at high school after her car accident. She could handle open and honest questions, even rudeness or carelessness by others whenever another backpack smacked her again. But never pity.

Pity told her that people only saw her loss and what she had become on the outside – a girl sitting in a wheelchair. But they never looked deeper. Because they wallowed in their own relief at not being like her. Actually, pity was quite a selfish feeling for people who thought themselves being in a superior position.

She did not confuse this with feeling _for_ someone. Empathy was a good thing to a certain degree, which brought Quinn back to her initial thought. How did she feel, really?

Quinn was shocked beyond measure when she learned the reason for Rachel's disappearance. Though she dared not ask how it happened – somehow it had not felt right to ask yet. She had been treading on very thin ice already. Thinking about Rachel's loss, she felt as if her own heart was squeezed by an iron fist. Bravely, she fought to keep her composure.

What did it mean for her that she would never to be able to hear again? Not only was she unable to communicate to a certain extent, but she would also never be able to hear music again, to sing. It was the greatest tool Rachel had to express herself. If words failed her, she could always rely on her music. Now that that was taken away from her, what was left of Rachel? Who was she on the inside? Where did she take the strength from to get up every day and keep on living? Quinn was not sure she would have been able – would have wanted - to carry on in that situation. So what was it that kept Rachel going?

Rachel intrigued Quinn yet again. There were so many layers to the other woman. And she had thought she already knew Rachel so well. Apparently that did not seem to be true.

Quinn wanted to peel away all the layers and find the inner core that fueled Rachel. It would be the most precious thing Quinn could ever discover, that she was sure of. Maybe Rachel was not aware that she still carried this inner treasure. She would very much like to help Rachel rediscover it.

If that motor had driven Rachel over the past years towards her dream, it could help drive her again towards a different goal - whatever that goal would be now. Maybe they could find out together. As long as that motor was still running, there was still hope.

And not only for Rachel, but also for Quinn, because that motor also fueled her life.

This revelation finally reached Quinn's consciousness. Had she allowed herself to dig a little deeper in the past, she would have noted that a long time ago. Why else was it so difficult to stay away from Rachel and at the same time still secretly following her path? Just to stay connected to her somehow. Even if it was just knowing where she was and what she did and nothing else. What a fool Quinn had been to deny herself her true feelings and to waste all that precious time.

The waitress gave her a worried look when she collected the bills.

"Is everything ok, hon?"

Quinn shook her head and answered with a thick voice.

"I don't know." Quinn did not kid herself. Even though Rachel had not given up yet, the blonde had noted the toll the whole condition took on Rachel and how much it had dampened her spirit.

She stood up, collected her bag from the seat, and put on her jacket.

"Oh, don't worry, everything will be fine. Some things just need time." The older woman assured her with a warm smile.

Quinn had no idea where the elder lady took that confidence from. But she knew one thing. She would do whatever it took to show Rachel how much she meant to her; had _always_ meant to her.

Before leaving, she finally made a long overdue dash into the bathroom. She had not dared to leave Rachel during lunch, fearing she would come back and find an empty table.

When she stood outside on the sidewalk she had already formed a plan. Quinn felt the fist squeezing her heart loosen its grip for the slightest bit.

She traced her way back to the Community Center, hoping to find Carmen, because she wanted to ask her for some advice.

... ... ...

Quinn found the dark haired woman in the same classroom she had watched her exit from earlier. Carmen sat behind her desk, bent over some papers, a pen poised over the text.

The white blouse she was wearing was a stark contrast to her raven black hair, Quinn noticed. Again, the woman reminded her of Santana and Quinn made a mental note to call her old friend. They had not spoken in weeks, both being very busy with their careers, and somehow the days were always too short. Then again, what happened to Rachel taught her a lesson. You could lose what you took for granted a little too quickly. Quinn knocked on the doorframe and waited for the other woman to look up.

"Excuse me."

Carmen recognized her immediately. "Oh, hello! Quinn, right? What can I do for you?" She motioned at a chair for Quinn to sit.

Quinn stepped closer and took a seat in the first row. Carmen stood up and came over to sit next to her.

"Ms Rodalaba…"

"Call me Carmen." She offered with a warm smile. "Is everything ok?"

Even though Carmen had not mentioned Rachel's name Quinn instinctively knew that she was asking about her. Quinn simply nodded. Then, without beating around the bush, she decided to come straight to the point.

"Carmen, I would like to learn sign language. And I would like to know…" she paused, searching for the right words. "I would like to know how to avoid stupid mistakes when being around a person that… that cannot hear." She finished quietly.

Carmen studied her for a while. She also had dark eyes, but compared to Rachel's warm brown tone, hers were almost black. It was hard to read what went on behind them. Quinn had the feeling Carmen was measuring her up; searching for something. What was she looking for? Sincerity, perhaps?

If Quinn had never been sincere about anything, she was absolutely sincere about Rachel. She never wanted to hurt or disappoint her again. She needed Rachel in her life. Quinn would learn everything that was necessary in order to enter Rachel's new, soundless world. She just hoped that Rachel would let her in.

Whatever Carmen was looking for, she seemed to be satisfied, judging by her next words.

"Quinn, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And I think Rachel could use a friend right now. A real friend. Especially someone she could communicate with."

She quickly looked away before fixing her gaze again on Quinn.

"I couldn't help but overlook what happened in the hallway this morning. Are you two close friends? Rachel never mentioned…" Carmen broke off when she noticed Quinn shaking her head.

Ashamed, the blond young woman fixed her eyes on her hands in her lap.

"Quinn, please don't get me wrong. I do not want to pry. And I am not judging you. However, I noticed that Rachel is not well. She is depressed and I fear that she has isolated herself completely from the rest of the world. I am actually surprised that she still comes to her lessons every day. She built all these walls around her, keeping everyone at a distance. What I saw this morning was the first time that Rachel let down her guard and actually connected with someone."

"Connected?" Quinn asked doubtfully. "Carmen, I… " Quinn took a deep breath debating on how much she should actually open up to the woman that she barely knew. However, there was something honest and caring about her that made Quinn trust her.

"Carmen, Rachel was a successful Broadway singer before she became …deaf." It was so hard saying this word. "Losing her hearing was probably not just very difficult. It must have meant losing her life. Losing all her dreams, everything she has ever lived for. But I'm sure you already know that."

All of a sudden, the words came rushing out of Quinn's mouth before she could stop them.

"And it hurts so much to see her so defeated and broken. And the worst part is that I _wasn't_ a good friend to her. I broke off contact with her four years ago." Quinn wrung her hands in her lap. She felt so stupid and selfish all of a sudden. Ashamed, she continued, not having the strength to look Carmen in the eye. She kept her gaze trained on the floor.

"Rachel just has this incredible voice and talent and I feared that I would drown in her shadow if I stayed near her. I was working on my own career to become a singer and actor. So I stopped talking to her, taking her calls… I basically pretended that she did not exist. And I never even explained to her why."

"So this is about you, and not Rachel? About your guilt?"

Carmen sincerely hoped that she had not misjudged the young woman sitting in front of her. She hoped for Rachel's sake. The girl desperately needed a person she could confide in, trust, communicate with and share her feelings with. Otherwise, Carmen was not sure how much longer Rachel could stay upright, even though she was already positively surprised to see her entering the classroom for their lessons every day without failing.

"Yes. No. I don't know! I just know that staying away from Rachel was the hardest thing I ever did. I don't know how I could ever believe that just because Rachel had such a great talent _I_ would never have a chance to succeed. She had always believed in me. But _I_ didn't. I did not believe in myself. I knew that I could not live depending on her belief in me alone. I had to find my strength on my own. At what cost?" She shook her head. "And I never managed to completely shut her out of my live. I secretly followed her career, even went to see her on stage once."

A smile graced Quinn's features at the memory. Carmen noticed a light starting to glimmer in Quinn's eyes.

"And she was so amazing! You should have seen her on stage! Her voice, oh god, it is the most beautiful and powerful voice I have ever heard!" Then, as if a switch had been turned, her eyes darkened.

Carmen crocked her head slightly but stayed silent. She knew that not only the person becoming deaf suffered a lot. The people that cared about them also had to come to terms with it somehow. After a moment Quinn continued.

"And then, all of a sudden Rachel disappeared. I couldn't track her, no one knew what happened. I could not stand it any longer. I _had_ to find her. I _had_ to know what had happened. I was so worried! I didn't understand why she would give up her dream at that point of her career." She uttered a sad laugh. "Now I know."

"So you came here." Carmen stated.

"No. Not on purpose. I ran into her by chance this morning. She was on her way here and I was accompanying a friend to an audition at the _Beacon_." Quinn let her eyes wander around the room, not looking at anything in particular. "I called Rachel on her mobile yesterday, though. I _called_ her! I mean…How inconsiderate was that? Well I didn't know about it then…" She rubbed her fingers across her forehead.

The dark haired teacher placed a hand on Quinn's knee. There was something about the young woman that intrigued Carmen. The way she spoke about Rachel and the emotion that filled her beautiful face led Carmen to believe that Quinn was not looking for a quick fix to remedy a broken friendship. She seemed really sincere about Rachel; she seemed to care very deeply. And something told her that Quinn would not give up easily, that she would fight for this friendship to be built up again. That was something that Rachel desperately needed - someone to show her that they still valued Rachel as a person, trying to find means and ways to go beyond the outer surface.

"Quinn, don't berate yourself. This accident was not your fault. I can understand that you feel guilty. That you feel you missed wonderful years with your friend. And that you missed hearing her singing, something that will probably never happen again. Look at me." She then gently prodded.

"What happened to Rachel was not your fault. Ok? This could have happened even if the two of you had stayed friends."

"But maybe not! I mean, I don't even know how it happened." She looked questioningly at the older woman.

"Well, you better ask Rachel herself. You know, Quinn, you should not lecture yourself over the past. These things are done and cannot be changed."

Quinn knew that in her heart, but it still stung to hear it out loud. Oh, how she wished she _could_ go back and make everything right!

"Maybe you and Rachel can become friends again. This morning, you gave Rachel something very special. Something she probably did not receive from many people since she became deaf." The last word felt again like a slap in Quinn's face. It sounded so final. And _so_ wrong!

Carmen continued when Quinn did not comment. She smiled when she said the next words.

"Quinn, you gave her respect. And you gave her acceptance." When Carmen noticed that Quinn did not quite follow, she explained.

"Rachel has probably made the experience that people turn away from her, that they do not know how to communicate with her, that they feel uncomfortable and awkward around her. She probably anticipates these reactions with every encounter she has with another person. And these expectations are already so anchored in her mind that she decided to not get in touch with anyone at all, out of fear of being ridiculed or not being understood. So she has isolated herself, she feels left out. People just don't make an effort to take a step towards her. She has become an outsider."

Carmen smiled again at Quinn. "Then you came along, and upon learning about her condition you did _not_ turn away. You did not leave her and you did not make her feel like a fool by making exaggerated hand gestures or by over pronouncing your words and lip movements. Believe me I have seen that happen and it can be offending if it comes across in the wrong way, even if people mean well. This is another level of extreme compared to the other ignorance."

Carmen leaned forward a little to emphasize her next words.

"You, Quinn, you acknowledged her condition without question. And you had the courage to address it head on by asking her what would make _her_ comfortable. Honestly, I don't think anyone has asked her that simple question before. Most people think of how uncomfortable _they_ feel instead. You took her face value and most importantly, you did not allow her to think anything less of herself. You stepped up to her and did not look down on her. And by holding her back, by not letting her escape, you made her realize that there is a person who still cares about her, no matter what."

"But I didn't for a long time! I mean, at least I did not show that I cared. I cannot blame her for wanting to run away from me. How can she ever trust me again?" Quinn sounded desperate.

Carmen smiled encouragingly. "Quinn, for what it's worth. You were here today and you stood by her. And in the end Rachel agreed to have lunch with you. Believe me; you must have done something right." She ended with a small laugh that provoked at least a tiny smile on Quinn's lips.

"Yes, but then I didn't. She left me at the restaurant after we finished eating."

"Give her some time. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? With your honesty and openness towards her and her condition, you walked right through her walls. Well, at least dented them a little. Let her digest what happened today." The teacher paused for a moment.

"I did not know that she was a singer." Carmen then added. "She does not talk much about herself, we mostly stick to the lessons in the books. She blocks any attempt at social conversation as soon as it goes into a personal direction."

"Oh." Quinn had a stricken look on her face. "My god and I blurted everything out like a babbling child. I am sorry, Carmen. I really did not mean to pour my heart out, much less betray Rachel's confidence by talking behind her back if she…"

Carmen's hand on Quinn's forearm stopped her.

"Quinn, I am actually glad you told me. This helps me understand Rachel a bit better. And I will not tell her. Maybe you should tell her about our conversation eventually. This would be the honest way."

"God, and she will hate me for that. First, I didn't show for years, then I broke into her world twice _and_ talked to her teacher behind her back. And all that on the same day."

"Well, life's a bitch." Carmen chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Come one. As I have said. I am sure you two will find a way back to your friendship. It just needs time and patience. Maybe let Rachel take the next step. Now, you wanted to know about ASL and behavior around deaf people?"

Quinn nodded. She told Carmen about the lessons in ASL she had in middle school and to her surprise, when Carmen showed her some basic signs Quinn's memory came back with some things she remembered.

The two women also agreed on a schedule so Quinn could take up regular lessons. As she had to attend most evening shows for the upcoming weeks, they decided on early morning meetings for two consecutive weeks to jumpstart Quinn's conversation ability.

When Quinn left the center, the sun came out between two clouds. She turned her face towards the sun and closed her eyes, savoring the warmth on her face. This warmth made her think of Rachel again. She wondered where she was now. And how she was feeling.

Slowly Quinn turned towards home. She had texted her friend this morning that she would call her in the evening to learn how the audition went. Luckily, Jenna was understanding, as she had observed the meeting between Rachel and Quinn in front of the theater.

Rachel.

She wished she could call her as well.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**I still don't own Glee. Which is too sad, really.**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Later in the evening, Rachel called her dads via Skype.

_Hi dad!_ She signed when Hiram appeared in front of the screen.

_Hi Rachel, that's a surprise! How are you? We are sorry we missed your call yesterday._

Hiram, as well as his daughter stayed close to the English syntax when signing. And even though not all words that were usually pronounced in spoken English were signed in ALS, Rachel pieced the words together in her head so it actually seemed like a full sentence.

_Dad, I need to ask you a favor._

Hiram noticed a flush on his daughters face. She seemed somewhat changed. There was a little color back on her cheeks. Or was it just the screen?

_Of course, what is it, honey?_

Rachel hesitated a moment. Then she picked up her mobile phone that lay next to her computer.

_Dad, I … I have received a voice message. From Quinn. I... I know what she says. It's just…_ she paused her hands and bit her lower lip. Then continued hesitantly.

_I want to know how it sounds like, her voice. I mean_ how _did Quinn say it._

She emphasized the word "how" with a stronger motion of her hand and paused a second before continuing with the rest of the sentence.

Hiram swallowed. So that was it. Quinn had finally tried to contact Rachel. Even though Rachel had never much talked about how hurt she had been, Hiram and Leroy had noticed how badly it had affected her when Quinn had broken off contact. Usually - well, at least before the accident - Rachel had shared almost everything with her dads. The fact, that she kept unusually quiet about what Quinn's absence and disregard had done to her, told them enough. This must have hurt their daughter deeper than she had let on.

Hiram knew that he would have to do this right. His daughter would not have asked if it was not important to her. He also knew it must have cost her a lot of strength to come up with that request. For one, because it involved Quinn and for the other, acknowledging that some other person had to listen to something and interpret for her, was not something Rachel would ask lightly.

He nodded.

_Of course._

Rachel activated the voice mail and held it close to the microphone. She intently watched Hiram's face for any reaction while he was listening to the message. He closed his eyes to concentrate better. The transmission was probably not the best. Could he hear it all right? She tried not to fidget while she waited. Oh, how much she wished she could hear that voice herself!

When Hiram opened his eyes again Rachel guessed the message was finished. She tried not to look too hopeful. Though she did hope that her dad would convey the emotions _behind_ the words in a way she could comprehend. His ASL was not really fluent. She did not blame him. Rachel knew her dads were trying at least.

The language was so complex and involved so many layers, such as facial expressions, body composure and many more. Even though she herself had taken up lessons on a daily basis for the past five months now, she nonetheless felt that there was still so much to learn. And like every other language, there was a difference between learning it as a child and having to learn it as an adult. As Rachel had no other choice, she put in a great effort. Not that she currently had much chance to express herself in her self-isolation. But should she ever feel ready to break out of that containment field, she wanted to be ready.

Rachel was drawn back to the screen in front of her. Her dad waved his hand in front of the camera to get her attention.

_Rachel, you ok?_

She nodded.

_Yes, sorry. Just remembered something,_ she half-lied. She did not feel like explaining what had just gone through her mind.

Even though she knew how complex the language was, a part of her still expected her dads to make a better effort. It was her _only_ way of communication, writing or typing messages aside.

_I will type the next sentences. I am not familiar with some of the words._

She nodded, her shoulders sagging a bit wondering if he had just read her thoughts. If he did, then he had definitely misunderstood.

If she communicated more with her dads, maybe they would also see the necessity to learn more. And they probably would learn quicker through the practice with her. She guessed that it was still hard for them to accept the facts and therefore accepting the necessity of learning to sign properly. This form of denying did not help much in moving forward.

Something that could ring true for her as well, she thought ruefully.

In the text box next to her dad's picture the words started flickering across the screen.

_Rachel, Quinn sounded sincere. I get the feeling she was really worried about you._

She stared at the text, willing her dad to write more. Come on, that couldn't be it. When nothing happened she prompted him impatiently, also typing.

_Dad, please, what else?_

_What do you mean what else?_

Rachel rolled her eyes. Oh, sometimes it was just so frustrating having two dads! Two men who sometimes just had no idea how to get down to the subtleties of life. Rachel suppressed a sigh. Kurt though, he would have understood. Well, he was not in her new life anymore like all the others that she had left behind with her voice. She concentrated again at the ongoing conversation.

_Was she just worried or was there something else? Dad, it is important to me, please!_

Hiram looked at his daughter. He noticed the hopeful spark in her eyes. And he desperately wanted to keep that alive. Her eyes had been dead for so long. Then he formed with his hands the signs for _let_ , sweeping his two hands forward and away from his body, his index finger and thumb of each hand forming an L. Then he pointed at himself for _me_. _Listen_ followed by cupping his ear with his right hand. The word _again_ was expressed by moving his fingertips of his right hand into the open, flat palm of his left with an arching motion.

_Let me listen again._

Rachel pressed the play button on her phone anew, grateful that her dad took the effort to sign, even though it would have been easier and quicker for him to just type the words. Maybe she should give him some credit.

After Hiram had heard the message for the second time he really wondered what was going on.

The words appeared on the screen again.

_As said before, Quinn sounded very sincere. A little desperate, even. I think she was really concerned about what happened to you. It sounded honest when she said that she truly missed you. There was also an urgency in her voice… I don't know how to describe it better. I really think she meant every word she said. Does that help?_

Rachel smiled for her dad's benefit and screamed 'n _ooooo'_ in her head. It was not enough! It would never be enough having to listen to someone describing how something or someone sounded. Especially when it came to a certain blonde. But she conceded signing a quick _Yes, thanks, dad!_

After ending the call, she leaned back in her chair and played absentmindedly with the phone in her hand, staring at the translated voice message once more.

Meeting Quinn had opened her own Pandora's box. And she had no idea how to close it again. Deep in her heart, she knew that running into Quinn was all she ever wanted for the past four years. She had envisioned their meeting countless times in her head.

Quinn apologizing profoundly, Rachel being aloof and unforgiving. At first.  
Quinn begging on her knees to be heard, Rachel graciously giving her another chance.  
Quinn standing in front of her apartment, waiting to be let in while Rachel played the smoldering diva until finally relenting to Quinn's pleas.

She had so many different scenarios in her head that she could fill a book with them. But never – _never_ – had she imagined their encounter the way it really happened.

Though there was one thing all her imagined scenarios and the real meeting had in common. In the end, Rachel was glad as hell that Quinn had come back. And she had never dared to imagine anything beyond that first meeting. She was afraid of feeding false hopes.

So now she was standing in front of an empty canvass. Her mind was blank. What would happen now? What should she do?

If she were not living in this hell of silence now, her choice would come easy. But these feelings of inadequacy and still trying to get used to living in this strange soundless world had made her very cautious about interacting with other people. Rachel was actually surprised in retrospect that she had agreed to share lunch with Quinn. At a public restaurant no less! What was it that had pushed her out of her comfort zone? Or should she say 'pulled'?

Somehow, once Quinn had assessed the situation and understood what had happened to her, communicating was so much easier with her than with any other person. Except for Carmen, maybe. But that was different. She was trained to work with people who lost their hearing. So that did not count.

Rachel was on a roller coaster of emotions. One moment she fell down in a break neck speed into her current situation, then another moment she saw Quinn's eyes in front of her that picked her up and pushed her on top of the mountain again. Just to fall back down on the other side into doubts and self-destructive thoughts again.

After what seemed like endless hours debating with herself and running in circles, she smacked her hand flat on the desk in frustration. In her mind she heard the sound her hand made upon connecting with the smooth surface. This finally seemed to break the vicious circle in her head. She made a decision. Quickly she typed a message on her mobile and pressed the send button before she could change her mind.

Something about Quinn drew her like a moth to the light. Even after all these years.

Even after her accident that gravitation still worked on her.

* * *

**Thank you Nicole for working so hard and patiently giving me your feedback while I keep bombarding you with my chapters!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Glee - no, I don't own it. Neither the characters. Except Jenna and Carmen, they are not in the original Glee show.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Quinn was on the phone with her friend Jenna. As promised she had called her to learn about the audition when her mobile buzzed on the couch table. She lifted her feet of the tabletop and bent to retrieve the device. A text message was waiting for her. Curiously she checked whom it came from.

"Oh!"

"What 'oh'? Quinn, are you paying attention to what I'm saying?" Quinn heard her friend complain.

"Sorry Jenna. I just received a text." The blonde did not avert her eyes from the name that was displayed on her phone.

"So? Read it later!" Jenna was annoyed. "You already left me fighting for myself this morning!" She then teased Quinn with a little smile. "At least you could devote your unconditional attention to me for now." Jenna knew how important the encounter with Rachel had been for her older friend that day and was already aware of what had transpired between the two after their initial meeting in front of the _Beacon_. So she was not really angry.

"It's from Rachel." Quinn managed after a moment.

"Oh."

"Exactly." Quinn had to laugh a little.

She had gotten to know Jenna at Yale, where Quinn was two years her senior. There was a buddy program at the university that paired older students with freshmen. Quinn had shown the younger girl around the campus, had helped her getting settled and both girls noticed that they were on the same wave length. For the past four years, even after Quinn graduated, they kept in contact, having become close friends.

Right now Quinn was helping Jenna preparing for auditions, one of them taking place at the _Beacon Theater_.

Quinn had not been able to talk to anyone about her situation with Rachel when she was at Yale. She just could not confess her fears to her old friends. She feared they would not understand. Not even Santana, whom she usually told everything. Had she given her friends a chance, they might have understood and maybe together they would have been able to find a solution which she could have lived with.

In retrospect, everything about her own behavior seemed so wrong, but she could not change the past.

Often hanging out in the halls of Yale with her new friend, Quinn still had not counted on Jenna's perceptiveness. The girl had noted more than once that Quinn ignored her phone. Not that it was unusual, but every time she had received a call, Quinn had that desperate, longing look on her face that was replaced by guilt as soon as the ringing stopped. It was always the same ringtone, different from the others that Quinn had on her cell phone.

So one day Jenna confronted her with it. After Jenna had voiced her observation, Quinn had said nothing at first, only had looked long and hard at her friend. And then decided she had to come clear after some hesitation. She needed to get this off her chest. Somehow it had seemed easier talking to a person that did not know Rachel Berry and their history together. At one point when Quinn was halfway through her story, Jenna had placed her hand on Quinn's forearm.

"I think you are still in love with Rachel." She simply stated.

Quinn remembered how shocked she had been at that revelation. That comment had rendered her speechless for a while. When she was finally able to utter a coherent sentence, she was outraged.

"What do you mean _still_? And why do you think I am in love with her in the first place? YOU. ARE. NUTS!" And with every word Quinn had stabbed an accusing finger at Jenna.

Jenna had just laughed at the outburst.

"No, I am not. But you are. You are nuts for Rachel Berry!"

Jenna watched Quinn gasp for air and then for something to say. When she did not come up with a retort, Jenna prodded on.

"Quinn, you don't see that absolute look of longing, hope, temptation and disappointment on your face every time your phone tells you she is either calling or sending a message. It is incredible how many emotions her calls can evoke in you. Those feelings are written so clearly on your face, one would have to be blind to not notice."

And Quinn had thought she was perfect at hiding her turmoil behind a well fitted mask. Apparently her mask was made of glass.

She bowed her head and sighed, her resolve crumbling.

"Ok, I guess, I… well. I guess I did not even want myself to know how much she means to me. Though I really care for Rachel, I cannot be near her." Then she had gone on explaining the reason to Jenna and the younger woman could understand her actions to a certain degree. Though that did not make them any more right.

Now, a long time later, telling Jenna about the text she just received from Rachel naturally triggered an empathetic reaction from Quinn's friend. Even though the whole understanding was wrapped in a simple "oh".

"What does it say? Does she want to see you again?"

Quinn played with her mobile in her hands. "I don't know. I haven't read it yet. I think I am a bit afraid of what it might say." She said.

"Quinn Fabray! Don't even think about starting this whole song and dance with that poor woman again. You can't just barge into her life as you did today and then chicken out again! Open the damn text now and read it!" Jenna was adamant.

"Ok, ok, I was not going to ignore it, you know! And I am not planning on _chickening out_ as you so nicely put it. I swore that to myself." Quinn defended herself, but she wasn't angry with her friend as what she had said rang true. But Quinn also knew that she could not and she would not back out again.

"I'm just… hoping that it might say something positive…" She sighed. "Can I call you back?"

"What? You'll leave me hanging here just like that? After all the drama I have witnessed?" Jenna grumbled. Then she let out a good natured laugh. "Sure. But only if you promise a) to tell me what Rachel said and b) to listen to me ranting on about my successful performance at the audition today!"

"I promise!" Quinn solemnly declared with a smile.

When she had hung up, Quinn opened the text message from Rachel.

After reading it twice, a smile started to slowly spread across her face.

_Hi Quinn._   
_I have just listened to your message. … Maybe we can talk again._   
_I still have so many questions I would like to ask._   
_Perhaps we could have dinner one of the evenings this week? If you are free, that is._   
_And if it is not too much to ask._   
_Rachel_

Quinn's heartbeat quickened as she read the message. Rachel wanted to see her again! Oh God, that was almost more than she had wished for!

Though a little part of her brain wondered what she had meant by she had "listened" to her voice message that she had left the other day. Well, maybe Rachel would explain it to her if she asked.

_... ... ..._

Rachel felt the phone in her hand vibrate. She noticed that she had never laid it aside after sending the text to Quinn. She tried to stop the whirling thoughts in her head. Would Quinn still be interested in seeing her again?

She took a deep breath and checked.

_Hi Rachel!_   
_Of course I would like to have dinner with you! I am very glad you asked._   
_Friday would be fine, I only have a matinee show and I'm free afterwards._   
_And no, this is not too much to ask, Rachel. I'm deeply grateful that you actually did!_   
_Quinn_

Rachel pressed the phone to her chest and smiled. For the first time in a long time she felt some happiness rise in her. This felt good! And for once she managed to keep the demons at bay that lured on the sidelines of her mind to fill her head again with doubts. Only this time, Rachel would not let them in.

She occupied her mind by checking the options for that evening. She was not a great cook, so dinner at her place was out of the question. Though, they could order take away. But that seemed too shabby if she invited Quinn to come over and then served food out of cardboard boxes. That left only one other option which was going to a restaurant. Besides the vegan place they went for lunch together, all the other restaurants she remembered to serve great food were the ones she went to before the accident. So those were out of the question. Someone might recognize her and start asking uncomfortable questions. She was not ready to cope with that yet.

She was running out of options of where to go with Quinn in her self-imposed exile.

While she was still raking her brain to find a solution, the phone came to life in her hands again. She looked down and noticed another message from Quinn.

She probably wanted to know when and where they would meet. Honestly, Rachel would have very much liked to meet at a quiet place. Preferably her own apartment. This would make it easier to concentrate on the conversation they would have. Maybe take-away would be the final option then. Though it would mean to let someone enter her sanctuary, the only place she felt more or less safe and calm.

Her eyes dropped to the phone and Quinn's second text surprised her. Has she just read her thoughts?

_Can I invite you over to my place for a self-cooked dinner? All vegan, of course._

Then, in a light bantering mood the message continued.

_If you don't want to come to my apartment, how about a late picnic at the park?  
Or a_ _stroll through the Bronx at night with a hot dog?_  
 _These are your options. Choose wisely. :-)_  
 _Quinn_

Rachel had to chuckle and quickly typed an answer.

_Do you want to get us killed, Quinn Fabray? Not with your cooking, but with your other two suggestions…  
Huh, tough choice… I need time to think. _

Quinn's answer came right away.

_Rachel, I apologize if I was pushing again. Please, take all the time you need.  
Just tell me where you would feel comfortable to meet._

Just for once Rachel had not intended to lay-off, it was meant as a joke that she had to think about the options. She quickly tried to explain.

_Quinn, I didn't mean I needed to think about having dinner at all. I had to think_   
_about the incredible sensible choices you offered. :-)_   
_After some thorough though short thinking, I would vote for option one then._   
_Seems to be the least dangerous._

After a moment, she sent another text right after.

_I'm sorry I overreacted so much today. I'm just not used to connecting much with other people anymore…  
I am glad you held me back. _

... ... ...

Quinn felt warmth spreading through her when she read Rachel's confession. For a long while she searched for the right words to answer, until they finally sprang to her mind. Though she dismissed them almost immediately. It would not be appropriate to send them to Rachel. It would most probably destroy everything they had achieved. Because these words would surely awaken old memories of a kind that Rachel might not want to be awakened.

However, as hard as she tried, Quinn's thoughts always returned to the same phrases. There was just no better way to express her feelings in that moment. Should she take the chance?

She went to her laptop and opened her e-mail program. Then she began drafting a message to Rachel.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I am very grateful for your honesty and that you gave me another chance. I often felt unworthy of your friendship so many times in the past and I do feel so just now. I'm so ashamed of how I treated you. I have wronged you so many times and still you never pushed me away. _

_Please know that I meant every word I said today. If you need me, I will be here for you. No more hiding, no more running away from my side._

_I'm not good with voicing my feelings. I'm not even good at recognizing them in the first place. But I'd like to try to let you know, so I'll borrow the description for them from someone else. They still come with all my heart. And I didn't choose to portray them as a way to hurt you, please believe me. They just express what I feel, what I wish for you, for us… to become friends again…_

_Quinn_

_…_

_Wanna cry for you_   
_Would it do any good?_   
_If I rained for you_   
_It would just be water_   
_And the night is with you_   
_And the storm's in your hand_   
_And you're down and you're down_   
_And I can't lift you_

_I'm powerless to change your world  
I'm powerless to stop the hurt_

_Wanna run for you_   
_Would it do any good?_   
_If I flew for you_   
_You would still be standing_   
_And it's hard watching_   
_'cause I'm part of you_   
_And it's hard not to_   
_Not to know what I can do_

_I'm powerless to change your world_   
_I'm powerless to stop the hurt_   
_I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength_   
_I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy_

_I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder  
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder_

_When the night just cuts you through_   
_And the dream is lost to you_   
_When you're worried and confused_

_I will give you my heart give you my shoulder_   
_over and over_   
_I will give you my heart give you my shoulder_

Quinn's pointer hovered over the send button. Then she decided that she must have been crazy, wanting to send a _song_ text to Rachel. That would be like sticking a knife into an open wound. And how would she take all the references to _give you my heart_? This song was not intended as a love confession, but rather to tell Rachel that she wanted to be someone she could lean on and draw strength from.

Then again, Quinn already knew that she had given her heart away. Not since today, but already a long time ago. Still, that was not what she intended to tell Rachel. Not yet anyway. So she would better delete this e-mail or at least the song text.

She jumped when her phone rang, accidentally bumping her hand against the mouse. With horror she watched the "send" button being marked and the text disappeared. In shock, she stared at the screen.

That. Did. Not. Just. Happen.

No, she did not accidentally send this message. Not after she had just decided that it would not be appropriate for a number of reasons.

_Nonononononono! That did not just happen!_

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Quinn exclaimed and then hid her face behind her hands. "What did I do?"

She sat motionless in her chair and let the ice cold shower of dread wash over her.

After the initial shock ebbed away and her brain seemed to start working again, she figured she had two choices now. Either wait and see or send another message apologizing profoundly, hoping that Rachel would understand.

In the end she opted for sending a text, just in case Rachel had not browsed her e-mails yet. Maybe she could convince her to delete it before reading it.

_Rachel, I am so sorry. Please delete the e-mail I've just sent you._   
_I sent it by mistake before it was finished and I didn't want to come across as_   
_being insensitive and stupid and… please delete it. Please!_   
_It's not that I don't mean what I wrote, it's just that the way I expressed it is so wrong._   
_Quinn._

Deflated, she sat in her chair.

That was it.

In one stupid, selfish act she had done it again. She had hurt and disappointed Rachel, she had destroyed everything. She was so shocked that not even tears could fall. It was as if an ice cold layer had covered her up. Quinn was unable to move and think. She could only stare unseeingly at the screen that still displayed the traitorous "sent" information.

The phone had stopped ringing at some point. Whoever it was, she did not care. She felt the iron fist gripping her heart and squeezing it tight again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Heart and Shoulder from Heather Nova


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

At the end of the conversation with her dad, Hiram had asked Rachel if and when she would come home for Hanukkah. Not that it was still eight weeks to go until then, but her dads always liked to plan ahead. She had not committed to a date yet. Rachel was not even sure she wanted to go home.

For now, she decided that she had done enough thinking and analyzing for one day. Even though she was still a bit elated about her meeting with Quinn and the small exchange via text they had shared, for now, she just wanted to occupy her mind with something simple and easy. She was tired from the emotional ups and downs of the day, but strangely this time she did not want to go to bed straight away and find her solace in sleep. Rachel decided to watch TV and snuggled up on her couch. That was something she had not done in a long time.

So instead of going to bed, she inserted a DVD into her player with "Friends" episodes. Since she already knew that particular season from having watched it at least three times before, reading the subtitles did not distract her as much anymore. In the beginning, she had found it difficult reading the text and pay attention to the characters at the same time. However, with some practice she had gotten quite good at following both.

After the second episode had finished she got up to fetch something to drink from the kitchen. When she passed her laptop, she threw a quick glance at it and noticed that a new e-mail had reached her inbox. Rachel debated whether to read it now or save it for later. Then she decided that "Friends" could wait a little longer and dropped on her chair in front of the desk. She drew up her left knee and placed her chin on it while clicking on the message.

It was from Quinn. Maybe she just sent her a description how to get to her apartment. Again Rachel noticed her heart beating a bit faster, as it had done every time when receiving a text from her earlier that evening.

After having read the message, Rachel could not tear her gaze away from the screen in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she then noticed her phone light up, but she ignored it.

She scanned the page again and again. It was hard to see through the tears that filled her eyes.

What on earth had possessed Quinn to send her these song lyrics? To send her _song_ lyrics at all? Just when she had started to believe that her former high school Nemesis was truly making an effort. Well, how would she know? After four years, she had only met Quinn today again.

Was it really just today when everything had happened? It felt so much longer.

Rachel closed her eyes and tried to breathe evenly. She fought back the tears. But try as she might, she could not stop the melody of that song entering her thoughts.

Automatically the lyrics connected with the notes in her head and Heather Nova was giving a live performance in her mind.

Only that the singer did not look quite like herself. Somehow the features of the tall blonde she had met earlier that day appeared before her inner eye. When Rachel realized that however hard she tried she could not stop that image coming back, she surrendered.

She let it happen.

Rachel let Quinn Fabray sing that song to her in her mind. And then, somehow the pain she had been feeling all over again some minutes ago eased a little.

Rachel opened her eyes and her gaze fell on her mobile phone. She remembered the message she had received earlier. Opening it she slowly read it, her eyebrows furrowed.

Quinn apparently had not planned to send her this e-mail. Why had she written it at all, then? She probably came to the conclusion that sending a song text to a deaf person might not be the cleverest idea.

Right.

But somehow Rachel could not evoke her anger about this anymore. She had the strange feeling to reassure Quinn that it was ok. That she was not mad at her.

Then, slowly and steadily, the little voice inside her head started picking at her again, infusing her mind with dark shadows once more. Could she really forgive Quinn what she had done?

Rachel pressed the heels of her palms hard against her temples. She wanted the voice to stop, she was so tired of it. Tired of how it made her feel, how it drained all the energy from her. She felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde inside. One side truly wanting to forgive and the other side wanting to hold on to the anger, the pain and the injustice of it all.

Rachel got up and started pacing her living room, silently praying that this battle inside her head would come to an end. So that she could go on and make a decision. She felt like a ship in the rough sea being tossed from one side to the other without control of its own. Maybe she should have just stayed moored to the docks, safe and motionless. But it had been her own decision this morning to venture forth and get involved with Quinn.

Then it dawned on her that if she had taken the decision, then she herself was also creating these two voices inside. She herself caused this battle to rage. And if she caused it, she could also end it.

If she wanted to.

Then it would be a deliberate choice and not something she felt was decided by some hidden inner forces that she helplessly had to tolerate.

... ... ...

Quinn jumped again when she heard a little beep that pulled her from her state of haze back into reality. She noticed a small envelope appearing on the screen indicating she had received another message. She had no idea how long she had been sitting in front of her laptop staring into nothingness. Quinn was not really up to reading any e-mails now. Except from one person. Though it was unlikely that she would ever answer, Quinn mused. Nevertheless, a small spark of hope pushed her to check the message.

Against all odds, it was from Rachel.

Probably the well-deserved reprimand for sending her these lyrics. And a note that she doubtlessly never wanted to see her again.

With a shaking hand Quinn opened the text and soaked up the words that sprang at her.

_Dear Quinn!_

Dear? Was Rachel not mad as hell at her?

_I remember that song.  
It is beautiful. The words are beautiful. I'm touched by their meaning. And not just those of the song._

Rachel remembered. That must have hurt. It was exactly the reason why Quinn had not wanted to send the message in the first place. Though she was surprised by Rachel's concession and her heart jumped a bit at reading that her friend was actually moved by her words. Quinn read on.

 _Why did you not want to send this e-mail? Why did you want me to delete it? Because you sent me the lyrics of a SONG?_  
 _I have to admit, I was angry and hurt at first, but then I tried to look behind my selfishness and tried to understand what you wanted to tell me with the song._  
 _I'm inclined to think that you didn't send it to hurt me_.

_Besides, I still have all the songs I liked and that I have ever sung in my head. And sometimes they pop up before I can stop them. It's not like you evoked a demon.  
I'm pretty good at doing this myself. Anyway, I digress._

Quinn wondered how it must feel for Rachel having all these beautiful songs locked up in her head without the capability of ever releasing them again. She focused back on the message.

_Thank you for those kind words, Quinn.  
I'm looking forward to our dinner on Friday. _

_Good luck with your show.  
Rachel_

Quinn let out her breath she had not noticed she had held while reading.

She was truly and deeply impressed by this grand gesture from Rachel. It rendered Quinn speechless.

Not only did Rachel make an effort to look behind her own hurt in order to understand Quinn. She also came so far as acknowledging her show and wishing her luck!

The relief that flooded through the blonde was so strong that she could not suppress the sobs that lurched upwards through her throat. She was so glad that Rachel was not mad at her, that their dinner was still going to happen as planned. Quinn felt the whole tension of that day wash out of her body with all the tears that came with it. Tears of joy, tears of remorse, tears of hope.

God, one day with Rachel and this woman had turned her all mushy inside. She had not cried so much in a very long time. It seemed all the tears that she had bottled up inside for the past years had chosen this day to come out. But it felt so good, felt so liberating.

Her stylist would sigh at her red and puffy eyes the next day when getting her ready for her performance.

Just for now, Quinn did not give a damn.

 

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Quinn was so happy that Rachel was not angry or disappointed with her. She felt exhilarated that Rachel was still looking forward to their Friday dinner date. She made sure Rachel received detailed descriptions on how to get to her apartment. Quinn had also debated with herself to offer her friend to pick her up, but felt that it might seem too imposing.

She did not know if Rachel would take the subway or a cab or if she could even walk to her address. The blonde had no idea where Rachel lived now. Nevertheless she sent her a thorough explanation on how to find her address and which exit to take from the subway station.

The four days until Friday passed agonizingly slow for Quinn. She had to work hard each night to concentrate on her performance. Every time she stood on the stage, she was reminded of the little incident with that one person leaving the show early which had somehow triggered the whole events with Rachel.

When she had some free time, she went to the ASL lessons she had scheduled with Carmen. The teacher was impressed with how much effort Quinn put into her work and how fast she learned and told her so. Quinn did not stop after the lessons with Carmen. She would sit down and practice every free minute she had at home. She looked up words and signs on the internet if her textbook did not cover them. She wanted to learn this new language as quickly as possible.

Carmen had already explained a lot to her in regards to its historic background, its development and its current usage in the US and Canada. Quinn was actually impressed as to how complex the whole language was and it intimidated her a bit as well. There seemed to be so many things to learn that it felt like hiking up the Mount Everest and she was just at base camp. Carmen had laughed at this analogy.

"Well, at least you are on your way. And you have managed all the way to the Himalaya. Now you just have to start climbing."

"Yeah, well, somehow that seems to be the hardest part." Quinn had stated.

But Carmen had managed to ease her worries. "Quinn, everything will come with practice. You will see, once you converse with Rachel, you will pick up signs, body language. facial expressions and all the other important markers very quickly."

The young woman had asked Carmen to not tell Rachel about their arrangement, because Quinn wanted to surprise her. As both their lessons were in the morning, Quinn was always hurrying out quickly after they finished. But since her lesson and Rachel's had a break in between which was a little over an hour, Quinn was quite confident that she would not to run into her friend and thus having to explain what she was doing there. Besides, she would not have to keep it a secret beyond Friday. Then she would be able to put some of her newly acquainted skills to use, however rudimentary they still were.

Quinn planned for a three-course dinner, starting with a pumpkin soup, followed by pasta with fried vegetables and a light dessert of fruits and vegan ice cream. On Thursday, she happily made her way to the grocery store to buy the provisions for their dinner. She really hoped Rachel would like the recipes and that she would display a bit more appetite than last time.

Just as she entered the store, her mobile vibrated.

_Hello Quinn!_   
_I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I have to confess I'm also a little nervous._   
_Don't know why. Maybe because I decided to take the subway to your place._   
_That will be the first time I'm going to do this since… Anyway._   
_Thanks for the detailed description; see you tomorrow!_   
_Rachel_

Quickly Quinn drafted an answer.

_Hi Rachel!_   
_I am also looking forward to tomorrow. In fact I'm just grocery shopping._   
_No, not telling what I'll be cooking, don't think about asking. :-)._   
_Tell me tomorrow when you get on the subway, then I can be on the lookout_   
_for you, just in case my description wasn't as accurate as expected._   
_If you change your mind about using the subway, let me know, please._   
_I can pick you up at home._   
_Q._

It only took one minute for the answer to appear on her screen. Quinn held her breath again, not sure how Rachel would react at her offer.

_Afraid I might get lost in the big city, Quinn?  
I've lived here for a while now, you know :-)_

Quinn smiled at that.

However, when she texted back she tried to hide her concern behind a light hearted comment. She could understand that it must be a challenge for Rachel to use the train and mingle with the other passengers.

_I know, just… just want you to get here in one piece._   
_The subway can be a treacherous thing._   
_Q._

_Yeah, well, only if you want to jump in front of it, and not on it._   
_And I'm planning to use it the regular way, so no worries,_   
_Quinn. And yes, I promise to inform you when I'll leave._   
_Rachel_

.. _. ... ...  
_

Rachel stood on the platform and waited for the subway to arrive. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She had not been out and about much since her accident. She was mostly just doing the necessary grocery shopping and going to the Community Center. She had tried to avoid other people at any cost. Now she stood among the crowds waiting for the train. Friday evening everyone seemed to have places to go, meet friends, and have fun. She felt uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people, unable to orient herself without having the benefit of hearing what went on around her. She kept looking around to assess the situation.

The she noticed a small draft waving across her skin. The train was coming. As it drew nearer, the wind picked up a bit and shortly before the train broke through the tunnel she could feel its vibrations rumble though her shoes and in her chest.

She let out a surprised gasp. Before she could revel much longer in this discovery, she was forced to move with the throng of people through the open doors of the train. She managed to secure a seat in one corner. That gave her some room to breathe and a solid wall behind her back. Quickly she scanned the space in front of her, and then she lowered her head. You never knew if there was someone who might recognize her still. Though in this fast flowing city, she should have been replaced by now, also in the heads of her audience and another high strung star was certainly on the rise.

Deciding not to wallow in that pain again, she dug out her cell phone and sent the promised text to Quinn.

_Hi Quinn, just got on the train. See you soon. R._

When Rachel exited the subway station just as described, she found a smiling Quinn waiting for her at the top of the stairs. Rachel almost passed by her, as she had her head bent reading the description that the former Cheerio captain had sent her. Only when she looked up to orient herself she noticed the blonde patiently waiting. Quinn hugged her gently and then held up a paper.

_I thought you might feel more comfortable if I showed you the way to my apartment as it is not so easy to find, since the entrance is in a side street._

Rachel was glad that Quinn had been so considerate. She was afraid she might get lost despite the confidence she had displayed in her text to Quinn the day before and would have to _ask_ someone to point her in the right direction of the apartment. Something she wanted to avoid at any cost.

Before Rachel could stop herself, she uttered a very relieved: "Thank you!"

She wanted to bite her tongue right after. What was it about her body that seemed to detach from her mind and will, and started moving and acting on its own every time she was around Quinn?

Quinn on her end was surprised to actually hear Rachel speak. She had missed her voice so much. And just these two small words enveloped her like a warm breath. She took the brunette's hand, squeezed it lightly as a way of showing Rachel how grateful she was for that concession and tugged her along.

After a block Rachel chuckled a bit. It felt strange in her throat. She noticed that she had not done this in a long time.

She lifted her left hand that was still connected in a light grasp with Quinn's.

"You know, Quinn, I'm actually fine to walk by myself. I can still see perfectly fine, just so you know." She then stated with a little smile, hiding the insecurity she felt at wondering how she had sounded.

Quinn laughed at that little joke. Then it registered. Quinn's heart seemed to skip a beat. She stopped dead in her tracks and whipped her head around in surprise. With eyes that had turned to dark hazel by all the emotions that swept through her, she gazed at Rachel in awe, who in turn completely misread Quinn's expression.

"That sounded awful, didn't it?" she whispered, lowering her gaze.

Quinn placed a finger under Rachel's chin and lifted her head gently. When she had Rachel's attention, she mouthed _No!_ And vehemently shook her head. Then she took all her courage and signed her answer.

_No, your voice sounds beautiful! Honestly, Rachel!_

Now it was Rachel's turn to look surprised.

_You can sign? When did you learn?_ She signed back. _  
_

Rachel noted the insecure look on Quinn's face and repeated the signs a bit slower. Then Quinn understood. She pointed in the direction of her apartment and Rachel nodded in understanding. They would continue this conversation in private and not in the middle of the street.

Tentatively Quinn snuck a hand in Rachel's direction and touched her lightly with her fingers. Rachel's hand did not move away and the blonde boldly linked her fingers with the smaller woman's again.

Rachel found the courage to speak up again because she had no other means to express herself with one hand tied to Quinn's at that moment.

"Still afraid I might get lost?"

Quinn laughed and nodded. "Yes!" She said and was delighted to hear Rachel chuckle next to her, leaving her hand where it was.

At the apartment, Quinn grabbed the pad that lay on a small table next to the entrance and quickly scribbled something on it before they had even taken off their coats. Rachel's gaze roamed around Quinn's apartment until she felt a nudge against her arm.

The brunette's eyes skimmed the page.

_I don't want you to ever get lost again, Rachel!_

Rachel quickly penned down her answer.

I _was never lost._ _You_ _in turn…_

_I know._ Quinn then signed and looked ashamed.

Rachel decided to drop the topic for now and repeated her question from earlier, also signing.

_When did you learn to sign?_

_I took lessons with Carmen._

Rachel found it very cute how Quinn looked at her own hands while signing as if to make sure the signs turned out correctly. Her signing was still slow and a bit clumsy, but Rachel found it so impressive that Quinn actually took the pains to learn ASL just in order to communicate with her, trying to make _her_ comfortable and accommodating to _her_ needs again.

_Quinn Fabray, you never cease to surprise me,_ she signed with a raised eyebrow.

Actually, Rachel could make Quinn's life a bit easier if she used her voice more. But Quinn never seemed to expect that from her and Rachel was grateful for that. So it was entirely up to her to choose when to actually speak up or not, though she had secretly liked the way Quinn's face had lit up when she actually did voice the words out loud.

Quickly the blonde hung up their coats. Then, Quinn led Rachel further into the room with an open and spacious loft character, joined with a comfortable, open kitchen opposite the entrance. This way she could talk to her guests while cooking and it also made the living room appear larger. She had started to like preparing meals and often invited friends over to cook together.

Quinn offered Rachel something to drink and quickly dashed into the bathroom.

When she came back out, sitting on a bar stool in front of the counter, Rachel found her gaze and smiled at her.

_Nice apartment. I like the open kitchen._

Rachel deliberately slowed her signing and waited until Quinn nodded her comprehension.

_Thank you! You look nice in those …_ Quinn stumbled over the sign for 'pants'. She tentatively stepped closer and tugged at one of Rachel's pant legs. The brunette showed her the appropriate sign that Quinn filed away in her memory, and then added a _thank you_ for the compliment on her outfit.

Quinn had to force herself away from Rachel. The petite woman looked absolutely lovely in the black pants with the grey blouse that had a nice and softly dropping neckline. The grey color set off her brown eyes that in the light shining over from the kitchen took on a warm mahogany hue.

She had hardly ever seen Rachel without a skirt. With the pants, she looked just as stunning. Quinn had to catch herself from staring.

_I'm going to finish dinner,_ she managed to sign and turned away from those beautiful brown eyes she could feel on her back, following her.

Quinn had already set the table and prepared most of the food. She just needed to reheat the soup and check on the pasta, which she would boil while they ate the first course. The vegetables she had already pre-fried and only needed another toss in the pan.

Rachel nodded once and was content to just look around the apartment and watch Quinn move around the kitchen. She had brought a bottle of wine to go with dinner which Quinn had placed in the fridge to cool. She turned around. The picture that hung above the couch opposite the kitchen counter, on the right side next to the entrance, caught her attention.

Rachel hopped off the bar stool and sauntered over to get a closer look. It was a large, beautiful painting of a female angel in a white armor, but the angel did not look like she was going to war. She had a very peaceful expression and held her helmet in her arm. Auburn, wavy hear spilled over one shoulder and dark green eyes held the viewer's gaze. Rachel was mesmerized by the peace the picture radiated, despite the protection the angel was wearing.

The colors, the painting style, the face of the angel, everything was a perfect assembly to capture the attention of the viewer. In fact it was fascinating. She could make out a writing that said 'Guardian Angel' in the lower left corner. The writing was so entwined in the background of the picture that it was hard to make out at first.

She felt a presence next to her and noticed Quinn standing beside her, her eyes trained on Rachel's face. Then the blonde also looked back at the painting.

"Oh Quinn, this painting is beautiful. Where did you get it?"

When Quinn did not answer, Rachel turned and looked at her friend. When she noted that she had Quinn's attention, she repeated her question. Quinn just stared at her with her eyebrows knitted together and a slightly confused look on her face.

_What? Quinn, what's wrong? Did you not understand what I asked? Was I not speaking clearly enough?_ Rachel resigned back to signing, insecurity lacing through her hand movements.

Even though Quinn was not familiar with all the signs, she understood in a wider sense what Rachel was asking. She reached out, stilled Rachel's hands with her own, and shook her head gently.

_Rachel, I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with your speech. I am …_ she struggled with the next words and went to get the pad again. Then she wrote on the paper:

_I just didn't hear what you were saying. I'm wearing special earplugs._

Rachel looked at her in confusion.

_You what?_ She wrote back.

When Quinn had gone to the bathroom earlier, she had stood for a moment in front of the mirror looking herself in the eye. She had quickly debated to not do what she had planned, because it would be so much more comfortable for her. But that would have been selfish. So she had opened the drawer in the little commode behind her and pulled out the special ear plugs Carmen had recommended to her.

Quinn had discussed with the dark haired woman that she really wanted to understand what it meant to not be able to hear. Carmen explained to her that by using these earplugs, she would still be able to hear herself, obviously, but almost no outside noises. This could help her to at least begin to understand what it meant being deaf to a certain degree. Quinn had to visit a hearing aid acoustician, someone who specialized in hearing aids and hearing protection. He fitted the earplugs for her so they would sit tight but would not get uncomfortable after wearing them for a while. He also made sure they were sound proof.

She wanted to experience what Rachel was experiencing. She wanted to comprehend what she was going through. So she explained to Rachel about the earplugs, half in writing, and half by signing.

The smaller woman stared at her for a moment with an unreadable expression on her face. Quinn's eyes had told her that she truly meant what she had said. Still it was hard for her to see why anyone in their right mind would take on such a burden voluntarily. Besides, it was still a difference between having the possibility of taking the devices out again and not being able to hear for the rest of your life.

Rachel took the notepad and started writing.

_Quinn, you don't have to do this! I appreciate the gesture. But please don't do this to yourself! Be grateful that you can still hear. Don't ever cheat yourself off this experience! Not even for a moment. Not even for me._

She pointedly laid the pad down on the coffee table in front of her and looked back at Quinn.

Quinn just shook her head. Rachel already knew that the blonde would display her stubborn streak again. Fine. It was Quinn's choice after all. Though the brunette had to admit that she was thoroughly surprised that Quinn would go that far in order to learn more about her situation.

Still, she should not do this. It was ok for Rachel that she actually went through the whole motion, but she did not want Quinn to miss one minute of her life not being able to hear. But she conceded to her friend's wish. Then Rachel noticed a strange smell and looked over to the stove. She grabbed Quinn's arm and turned her in the direction of the kitchen. In the whole process they had forgotten that the soup was still on the stove to be heated. Now it had boiled over a bit and the smell came from the drops that burned on the hot Ceram cooking field.

Both women ran over and each holding one handle, pulled the pot off the stove.

Rachel saw that as a chance to make her point again in written form.

_See, you probably would've heard this boiling before it spilled over the rim._

But Quinn shook her head. _I don't think so, I was so engrossed by our conversation that I probably would not have noticed anything else_.

Quinn smiled boldly after Rachel had read her answer.

The brunette just rolled her eyes. Then she motioned to the soup with her head as in "let's eat".

Quinn gladly ladled the soup into two bowls after she had tried it and made sure it did not taste burned. They sat at the table to the right of the kitchen and started eating.

Rachel brown eyes watched Quinn expectantly as the blonde put her spoon down and lifted her hands to sign.

_Sorry about the soup. This was not how I had planned to start our dinner._

It took Rachel a moment to understand what Quinn had signed. She was still far from being fluent, but she tried hard and even though it took her a while to finish a sentence, Rachel would prefer watching Quinn's slender hands sign a thousand times more than referring back to writing. The way her face got serious with concentration while signing was just adorable.

When Rachel had pieced together what Quinn meant, she smiled.

_It is ok. The soup is very good! I want the recipe!_

For a while, they enjoyed the food in literal silence. It was difficult to sign and eat at the same time. When they had finished the first course, Rachel helped Quinn preparing the next.

As Quinn had decided to keep on wearing the earplugs, Rachel had to touch her every time she wanted to get her attention and vice versa. Quinn noticed that without the means of normal communication, meaning hearing and speaking, looks and touch became so much more important. They could sometimes replace words and sentences. Especially with Rachel it was eerie how much they could read each other's thoughts and feelings through little gestures and looks.

Each time Quinn felt Rachel's soft and gentle hand on the naked skin of her arm, it sent a little electric shower down her spine. She just hoped Rachel would not notice what she caused with her touch.

However, the longer Quinn dispensed of her hearing, the harder it became. She did not expect that after a short while she would get a feeling of being locked inside her body. That feeling was enhanced since she could still hear herself breathe. It was starting to disconcert her. For Rachel's sake, she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and spooned the vegetables into a porcelain bowl which she handed to Rachel so she could place it on the table.

While preparing the pasta, they had lightly bantered around a bit by signing and writing and some comments from Quinn had actually made Rachel laugh. It was so fulfilling to see some liveliness find its way back into the petite woman's features. Nevertheless, it was hard for Quinn to not be able to hear that laughter. She had always liked Rachel's laughter. It was never artificial, but genuine, deep and contagious.

Quinn started to get frustrated. The little things she could not hear drove her crazy. How on earth did Rachel do this? How could she live through this silent hell every single day? Now going through at least some of same the experience gave Quinn another appreciation of Rachel's stamina.

She felt Rachel's imploring eyes from across the table where they had sat down again and smiled for her benefit.

_Do you like the pasta?_ Quinn asked signing. _  
_

_Yes, it is really good. The vegetables also,_ the petite woman answered politely, knowing that her friend was trying to hide something, posing the question as a distraction.

Rachel did not avert her eyes and searched Quinn's face. The blond woman had the feeling that the two brown eyes reached down to her soul. This was something Rachel had always been capable of. She could look at Quinn and then find words that would reach her deep down inside, telling her head on what she herself was not able to feel, but Rachel always knew.

Only now, she did not want Rachel to know how she felt. This was not about the whole situation, but rather about how she experienced not being able to hear and how anxious it made her feel.

Quinn stared at her plate and tapped the fork against the rim. She could not hear anything. She watched her fork make the movements and expected the "ping" to reach her ear as the silverware made contact with the porcelain.

There was nothing. She only heard her own breathing. She tapped again, harder this time.

Nothing.

Quinn did not know why, but she felt the anxiety increase inside her. She tried to calm herself thinking _'come on, you are just wearing earplugs, everything is fine'_ , but her breathing became more and more labored. Why the hell was she starting to freak out? One grip and she could rip those offending things out of her ears and everything would be ok. So what was going on? The more she tried to calm herself, the more agitated she became.

Realization dawned on her.

This tapping on the plate with her fork was just a little gesture of daily life. If _that_ had already made her freak out _just_ by wearing soundproof earplugs, how could Rachel go on through life without ever being able to hear music, songs, voices and much less sing herself, all these things that had defined her _life_?

Quinn rammed her fork so hard against the plate that a chip broke off. She jumped as she felt Rachel's hand cover hers. Rachel was shocked at the look of utter dismay that covered Quinn's features. She got up and quickly knelt beside Quinn's chair, rapidly scribbling something on the pad.

_What is wrong? Talk to me, please, Quinn!_ She looked up at her friend with big, imploring eyes.

Quinn's eyes glazed over and tears spilled down her cheeks as she gazed at the smaller women kneeling in front of her. She wanted so much to wrap her arms around Rachel and hold her for the rest of her life, never letting go again. She felt a sob rising in the back of her throat and could not contain it. Quinn hid her face behind her hands and started to cry. She cried for Rachel, for her loss, for her broken dreams. She also cried for herself, for the many times she had ignored her best friend, for the pain in her own heart, for the many lost opportunities to be with Rachel and to hear this beautiful voice enfold which now seemed to be forever mute.

Her body shook under her cries. Then Quinn felt a hesitating hand beneath her elbow and she let herself be raised from the chair into an embrace. Rachel held her through her crying, soothingly stroking her hand over the taller woman's back. And Quinn held on to the smaller form in front of her as if she were hanging on to dear life itself. Why did she freak out after just a couple of hours of not hearing – and still having at least the advantage of hearing herself speak or breathe?

How reversed the situation was now. When she had held Rachel the other day, they both had not imagined that now it would be Quinn feeling so desperate.

After a while, when she managed to calm down a bit and her sobs became less, she noticed the small vibration in Rachel's body. She pressed her hands against the brunette's back. Quinn _felt_ that Rachel was talking or at least was making some noise. Of course, she could not actually hear what Rachel was saying and was tempted to take out the earplugs to hear that wonderful voice again. But she stopped herself, she just could not do that. She owed it to Rachel.

The fact that she was able to _feel_ sound surprised her no end. She had never paid much attention to such details, even though she had of course felt this before. Only now, it became so much more important, it gained so much more weight with the fact that she was temporarily robbed of one of her senses.

Quinn slowly disentangled herself from Rachel's embrace. The smaller woman's eyes were full of worry and concern. And doubt. Rachel reached around her, grabbed the pad, and pointed with her index finger at the question she had written earlier. She accompanied her gesture with a small shrug of her shoulders and a frown on her beautiful face.

_What is wrong?_

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes gazing at her with so much concern that she could not fight the impulse any longer. She bent forward, tenderly cupped the lovely face in front of her with both hands, and softly grazed her lips over Rachel's.

Surprised by her own action Quinn quickly withdrew and leaned back moving her hands frantically in the air.

_Rachel, I am so sorry! I did not…_

Her hands were stilled by Rachel's warm fingers. Rachel pushed Quinn slightly back and when she felt the edge of the chair against the back of her legs, she dropped on the seat. Rachel stood in front of her, towering a little over the now seated blonde and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Then she hugged her friend fiercely. Quinn snuck her arms around the brunette's waist and embraced her back.

They held each other for an endless moment feeling the warmth of the other body in their arms, breathing in the other woman's scent, both feeling the rift that had run between them closing a bit.

 

 

* * *


	11. Chapter 11

**I don't own Glee or its characters.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 11**

When Rachel slowly disentangled herself from Quinn, the blonde quickly asked by signing:

_Rachel, are you mad at me? For the …_

Quinn did not know the sign for kiss so she just tapped her lips.

Rachel vehemently shook her head.

_No, I am not mad._ Then she smiled. _Just confused_.

Rachel looked at the floor for a second. She was not ready to speak about the kiss that had almost made her heart stop. She needed to digest it first, so she decided to tread on safer ground. Everything was happening so fast and she had no hold on her feelings anymore. She felt like she was flying, but was afraid of landing very hard.

_Quinn, what happened just now? What made you break down like this?_ Rachel's warm, brown eyes were still full of concern when she searched Quinn's face.

Quinn took Rachel's hand and pulled her to the couch. She grabbed the pen and paper and started writing with Rachel peering over her shoulder. Quinn knew she needed to explain what had triggered her to freak out like that.

_Rachel, I'm sorry that I lost it just now. I didn't want to scare you with my crying!_

She felt a reproachful look from the woman beside her.

_Ok, I did scare you?_

A nod and Rachel's chocolate brown eyes were deep and full of turmoil.

_I'm really sorry!_ Quinn rubbed her right hand with a closed fist over her heart, the sign for 'apologize'. _Honestly, I mean it. Let me explain._

Rachel quickly fished the pen out of Quinn's hand. She appreciated Quinn's gesture of learning ASL, but she also understood that for this conversation it was easier to refer back to writing.

_Good. I want to know what is going on in that head of yours! So maybe next time I can come better prepared…_

Quinn squeezed Rachel's fingers apologetically and continued writing after having collected her thoughts.

_I now only realized and understood completely what you have lost and how it must be for you. I understood what the world without sound is like. Or at least I started to understand. And that understanding just came from something as banal as not being able to hear the sound of the fork grating against the plate. And if something this small is already so hard to endure, I just wondered how hard it must be for you..._

Quinn threw a glance at Rachel sitting next to her on the couch, her eyes skipping over the written words. When she noticed that Rachel had finished reading, she continued.

_Rachel, if this is too hurtful we can stop._

A small shake with her head brought some brown strands to fall into her eyes. With a graceful gesture, Rachel brushed them to the side and slightly jutted out her chin at the pad. Quinn paused for a moment, the pen poised in the air. She actually wanted to write something else, but then she wrote the question that had been burning in her soul for the past days.

_Rachel, how did it happen?_

Rachel had expected that question already a lot earlier. Nevertheless, it strung a painful chord in her chest thinking about it. Still, she started to explain.

_I was in a car accident. I came back from a photo shoot. It was very late at night. The cab in which I was sitting was hit by a pick-up truck at an intersection. The driver of the other car was dead drunk and didn't see the red traffic light. At least that is what they told me later. The cab driver had more than fifteen broken bones, but luckily he survived. My luck was that I was sitting on the right side in the back seat. The pick-up rammed the left back door. Had I been sitting there, I would not be sitting here anymore._

_Through the impact, I was catapulted against the side of the car and my head slammed into the window._

Rachel stared off into the distance, clearly reliving the event in her mind. Quinn winced as she read the description, reached out and comfortingly placed a hand over Rachel's.

_It's ok, you don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to,_ Quinn offered in writing.

_No, I'm ok. To make a long story short, I had hairline fractures in my skull and a severe concussion. But through the impact, the little bones in my middle ear had been broken. It was more severe in the right ear, because that was the side that collided with the window. Nevertheless, the blow to my head also affected the left ear. Not as severely, but still to the extent where I cannot hear anything at a normal level. Another word for hearing nothing at all._

_Why? Of all people, why did it have to happen to you?_ Quinn had thought about it a lot, but found no answer.

_Quinn, I've asked myself this question so many times. There is no answer to that. At least I haven't found it yet. Maybe one day I'll understand. But I have learnt that it doesn't always help searching for a reason. Sometimes it can take a very long time until the reason behind something is disclosed to you. I guess I just have to accept that it happened and live with it. Or not._

_Have you ever thought about it?_

_What, committing suicide?_ Rachel let her eyes wander up from the page until she found Quinn's intent green gaze on her. Quinn nodded and Rachel's hand moved over the paper again.

_Yes. I did actually. All I had to live for had died. My music, my voice, my dreams. I felt like I should have just died with them._

Rachel held Quinn's gaze with her own, finding compassion, understanding and fear. She needed to quench that fear in her friend's eyes. She needed to still that fear. Now.

_But I could not pull it through. Something held me back._

Rachel shrugged and this time avoided eye contact with her friend. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Quinn tense at her comment. She continued writing.

_I'm not saying that it's getting much easier. But I've given myself two years. Two years to figure out if I could do this or not. Therapy helped a bit in the beginning. And I had a lot of time thinking while I was healing the first few months. All this thinking got me at least so far that I wanted to give it a try._

Quinn threw her arms around Rachel.

_I'm glad you did. Very!_ _If I… If you.. I mean…_

Words failed Quinn as she dropped the pen and she buried the smaller woman in a heartfelt embrace again, not letting her go for a long time. What she had not been able to transmit through words, she communicated through this touch. When she finally let go, she found the courage to pose another question.

_There was nothing they could do to restore your hearing?_

_I had two operations, the last one not so long ago to reposition the dislocated ossicle bones in my middle ear. Apparently, it is a very complicated procedure. The specialists were not quite sure if the procedure would work in terms of giving me back some of my hearing. The ear is such a delicate organ where so many factors play together that it's not always easy to predict what will work. Besides, there is still blood blocking the crevices in between that needs to dissolve. It prevents the sound being transported through the ear canal as well. I didn't know that it could take that long for something to heal. But I don't get my hopes up too much._

She threw a sad smile at Quinn.

Quinn's eyes lightened up. _But_ _there is still some hope?_

_So far I haven't noticed any change. That's not a good sign._

Quinn flicked a quick glance at Rachel to gauge her reaction. Her lips were pressed together and a small furrow appeared between her brows.

_Give it some time. You had a severe injury and sometimes the body needs more time to heal._

She tried to smile encouragingly at her friend.

_Rachel, however it will turn out, I want to know how I can support you. I don't ever want to abandon you again as a friend. I want you to know that I will be here for you. This probably sounds like a false and empty phrase, especially after my disappearing act._

Quinn captured Rachel's gaze and tried to guess what she was feeling and thinking right now. She almost expected a depreciating expression on her friend's face, not wanting to accept her explanation. But she only saw those sincere brown eyes searching her own.

Rachel had become so dependent on looking and observing that she tried to _see_ beyond the words. The truth she could have heard in the tone of Quinn's voice, she now had to find through other means. Her eyes had become her most important tool to capture the real meaning behind someone's words and actions. And Quinn held her gaze, never wavering, never breaking off. Finally, Rachel nodded her head slightly and glanced back down on the writing paper. With that small gesture, she urged Quinn to continue and finally explain what had caused her radical actions all those years ago.

The blond woman continued pouring her thoughts out on the sheet.

_These past years, every time my phone rang and I saw your name on the screen, it was a like a stab to my heart. It was like a slow and agonizing suicide. Not answering your calls, making myself ignore every text message you sent, closing my eyes on every attempt from you to communicate with me. It killed me that I would not let myself be near you, be your friend as before. I know it sounds crazy and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't understand. But I had to stay away from you and your incredible talent. I feared that I would be drowned by it if I stayed near you. That I would never find the strength to get my own bearings._

Rachel lifted the pen gently from Quinn's hand.

_Were you envious of me?_

Quinn shook her head and breathed a "no".

_I was never envious. Just afraid that I would'nt be able to stop measuring myself against you. I was actually so proud of you! I followed your reviews; I even cut them out of the papers and collected them. Every time being away from you become unbearable, I would look you up and check what you were up to next. I know it sounds crazy, but at least I had to know you were happy, that you were having success fulfilling your dream._

A sheepish expression crawled onto Quinn's face. Rachel wasn't sure if she was seeing it right, so she gently turned Quinn's face in her direction to get a closer look. This time Quinn could not stand looking into those large imploring eyes. So she continued her story.

_I even came to your show once. And it was the most wonderful experience I've ever had! I was so mesmerized by your performance that it haunted me for days. Every time I thought back to that evening, the memories would send goose bumps down my skin._

Rachel pressed her lips together in a desperate try not to cry after finishing reading it.

_Rachel, I'm so sorry! God, how could I be so insensitive? Please, I…I did not want to hurt you._ She placed a hand on her friend's arm with a pleading look in her eyes.

Again Quinn felt the pen being lifted from her fingers. Rachel's hand covered hers.

'It's ok,' she mouthed when she had Quinn's attention and smiled shakily. Then she continued on paper.

_Please, don't hold back. Even though it is still hard for me to be reminded of what I had and what I have lost, I want to know your thoughts. We have been silent for too long. For too many years._

After a short pause, _You really came to one of my shows?_

She placed the ballpoint pen back in Quinn's hand.

Quinn nodded. Then she pointed at her arm where the little hairs started raising. _See? I was telling the truth, it still holds me captive._

Rachel smiled a little. The she took another pen from the table in front of them in order not to snatch Quinn's all the time.

_Hm, I never knew I could have such an effect on you._

_You always had, even back in High school._ Quinn confessed.

_Spill, Quinn Fabray!_

Quinn had to smile, happy about the lighter note in Rachel's comment and the small quirk of her eyebrow that accompanied her challenging look.

_Good lord, I think I am going under tonight._ Quinn sighed.

Rachel snorted, even though neither of them could hear it _._

_You owe me, Quinn. For all those years of ignoring me, you owe me big time! It's your fault that you came back and threw yourself at me. Now explain yourself!_

She pushed the pad back into Quinn's lap, but had a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

This time Quinn tried to get to the emotions behind Rachel's words and watched the other young woman closely. She noticed that behind the smile still lay a deep layer of hurt and loneliness. She had to tread lightly in order not to rupture that thin band of friendship that they had formed over the past days. The difficulty was that what she was confessing to Rachel was not solely based on friendship anymore. Then again, she had already revealed this through her kiss.

 

* * *

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuous thanks to my beta reader Nicole

**Chapter 12**

They talked until late at night. At some point, Quinn quickly filled two bowls with fruit salad and ice cream.

_Midnight snack!_ She handed a bowl to Rachel who eagerly took it.

_Can't let you starve. Apparently, I seem to be the reason you don't get to eat much._

With a motion of her head, she indicated the food that still stood on the table, only half eaten.

Rachel chuckled.

_Is it really that late already?_

Quinn only nodded at that, dreading the moment when Rachel would say the inevitable words that she had to get going. However, for the moment she seemed content sitting cross-legged on Quinn's comfortable couch, tasting the fruits and ice cream.

Both women were lost in their respective thoughts, while enjoying the dessert.

Quinn had told Rachel about the first day at Glee club and what feelings Rachel had provoked in her. And how she had tried to hide all these emotions behind her mean demeanor.

Once in a while, she would catch a slightly amused glint in Rachel's eyes.

_You are enjoying this revelation far too much, you know_ , Quinn grumbled at some point.

_Come on, what was it that really hooked you up? My reindeer sweaters?_

Rachel teased, drawing a little reindeer head behind the words.

Quinn laughed at that, and then sobered. She had beaten around the bush about the main reason.

_No_ , she mouthed and shook her head.

Then she pointed at Rachel, followed by moving her right hand away from her own chin, her fingers forming a 'V'.

_Your voice. And your eyes,_ she added, by pointing at Rachel again and then pointing twice at her own eye with her index finger.

Quinn searched Rachel's face to gauge how much pain her honest comment had caused. To her surprise, Rachel seemed quite calm. Or she would not let on to her true feelings. But Quinn would have noticed, she could read Rachel like she could read no one else. Then she watched Rachel scribble her answer on the pad.

_You know, I really had no idea about this, none at all. I mean, I noticed that you had strong feelings for me, but I interpreted them as despise, envy, contempt, whatever. I really thought you hated me and my voice at some point. I mean, I really could get on people's nerves, I can admit that :-). I only noticed in our senior year that you actually liked me at least a bit._

Liked _you a little? I was – still am - head over heels in love with you, Rachel!_ Quinn wanted to exclaim but kept these thoughts to herself. Instead, she asked:

_Why were you always so nice to me? Why did you always know the right things to say to me? So many times when I have felt like lashing out with all the anger I had at that time, you set me straight. When I was pregnant, you made me aware that I had real friends in Glee Club. When I wanted to destroy Shelby by telling Figgins about Puck and her having an affair, again it was you who helped me see the futility in my plan._

_It sometimes got me so mad that you were able to look right into my heart and soul to help me make the right decisions when all I wanted to do was to hurt people. I never understood why you even bothered. Haven't you wanted to hit me and knock me over? Not just once? I would have hated me; I still hate the person I was at high school. I hate myself for what I did to you._

Ashamed, she dropped her head and kneaded her hands in her lap, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. She did not have the strength to look at her friend sitting on opposite side of the couch with her legs tugged under her.

At that point, Rachel gently reached out and turned Quinn's head to one side. She then removed the earplug from one, then the other ear. Quinn closed her eyes, her skin tingling under Rachel's touch. All that existed at that moment was the feeling of the brunette's hand on her chin. She wished she would never let go. Quinn had to suppress the urge to hold Rachel's hand in place, and felt berated when the other woman finally took her hand away. She held her eyes closed, lingering in the experience she had just felt.

"Don't hate yourself, Quinn." Rachel's voice softly washed over her. When she heard – actually _heard_ – Rachel pronounce her name in that soft manner, she thought it was the most beautiful sound. And so very special. She locked it inside her head so she would never forget. Before she could say anything, Rachel continued.

"No, I never wanted to hurt you. You did a pretty good job of doing that yourself. I just wanted for you to see the real Quinn - the Quinn that I saw, which I knew was there under all the outer layers."

Rachel paused for a moment. She was surprised that despite all her fears and insecurities she found it easy to actually raise her voice and speak to Quinn. It made it so much easier expressing herself. She just hoped that she was able to bring across her feelings in the right way and that her speech was not slurred or monotone. In her head, it sounded normal. Maybe she should have practiced more, just as her speech therapist had suggested. Well, it was too late now.

She found Quinn's hazel eyes searching hers. They locked their gazes and held it for a couple of seconds. Then Quinn's hand moved tentatively, searching for the right signs.

_I wish you would never stop talking._

Rachel furrowed her eyebrows and Quinn hastened to explain.

_I appreciate this gesture so much Rachel. But please don't do it if you don't feel comfortable. I understand, really._

What was Quinn trying to tell her? Was her pronunciation so bad that Quinn wanted her to stop talking or did she really just want to make her feel comfortable?

Her doubts must have showed on her face because Quinn immediately picked up on her feelings.

_Rachel, it is amazing, when you talk, you just sound like you used to! When I had my eyes closed a moment ago, I could have sworn for a moment that everything was back to normal. It is a very special gift for me to hear you talk, Rachel. Don't ever think anything less, please! I understand how much effort it must cost._

"Actually it's not the speaking itself, just wondering so much how I sound. I don't know, I always think I sound flat or monotone, even though in my mind I hear myself talking normally. But I have no way of checking my pitch."

Quinn pulled the pad onto her lap to explain her thoughts in more detail.

_Well, I think you do have a way of checking your pitch somehow. Otherwise, you would not be able to pronounce the words as you did. You said you hear yourself talking normally in your mind. Apparently, you can still transfer the sounds you have in your head to your voice, even without hearing yourself. This is the only way I could explain why you sound normal when speaking._

Rachel had to digest this. If it were really true, maybe it would make her life a bit easier if she allowed herself to talk a bit more. She would not have to be afraid that people looked at her strangely, fearing they would not understand what she was saying.

After all, she was always known to have that unique talent that enabled her to translate melodies she had in her head into song in an instant without any trouble. She only had to glance at the notes on a sheet and she could instantly hit the perfect key on her vocal cord. But that was when she had the advantage of controlling her voice through her hearing. She wondered if what Quinn said was true, did that mean that some of her talent was still there? And that it might help her to keep her voice sound normal when talking, at least? After all, that was what her speech therapist also had told her.

She found it interesting that she was able to discuss this very sensitive topic with Quinn. Her dads had asked her to talk more. She had flat out refused every single request from them. _Especially_ from them. She had feared that this would lull them more into their denial. If she talked to them, they could still pretend. There was no way she was going to do that. If she had to face the truth, they would also have to face it.

Rachel found out that just because Quinn had never asked her to speak and was always trying to understand her in different ways, it was Rachel's own voluntary act to give that concession to her friend.

At one thirty they both decided to call it a night. Even though they still had a lot to talk about. Especially the kiss. Both had danced around that topic, neither of them wanting to touch upon it yet. Eventually they would have to address it, lest it became a huge pink elephant in the room that made every other interaction just plainly uncomfortable. That was something that none of the two ever wanted again. Without openly planning it, they both knew they would have to discuss it and its consequences next time.

Quinn had offered Rachel to stay in her guest room, because it was already so late, but Rachel declined. She wanted to wake up in her own surroundings.

At least Quinn convinced her to take a cab.

"Thank you, Quinn, for the dinner." Rachel stated while getting up from the couch.

_Which we only have half eaten,_ Quinn conceded and waved across the dining table and kitchen.

Rachel chuckled. "Well, you know what I mean."

Rachel searched Quinn's eyes and saw the deeper meaning reflected in the other woman's green eyes. Quinn nodded and hugged Rachel and both held each other for a moment, grateful to have found each other again.

Then Quinn help Rachel into her coat; accompanied her downstairs and waited for her to get into the taxi. Before climbing in, Rachel turned and threw a dazzling smile at the blond woman. Quinn reached out and squeezed her friend's hand in a silent reply.

When the car drove off, Quinn gave a little wave and stared after the disappearing taillights.

* * *

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

**Standard Disclaimer for Glee and I have no ownership over the original characters.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

It was Saturday the next day and Quinn had an evening show she needed to attend. They had agreed to meet again on Sunday for breakfast.

Rachel woke up on Saturday morning to the flashing light of her alarm clock. Recently she had gotten back to her old schedule of rising early and exercising a little before starting her day. Now that she did not feel so nauseous anymore, she had also taken up running on her treadmill again. In the beginning, because of the dislocation of the ossicle bones in her ear, her equilibrium had been severely affected. With every hasty movement, she felt her head spinning. That caused her to tumble more than once and accounted for numerous bruises. She was still cautious walking down stairs, allthough the spells of dizziness had almost ceased completely.

After her workout, she treated herself with a nice long and hot bath - also something she had not done in a very long time. At least not without thinking about drowning herself. She took a book with her and while the white foam floated around her, she noticed that she had read the same page of the novel in her hands for the third time without remembering the words. Her thoughts always wandered back to the evening she had shared with Quinn. Everything had happened so differently from what she had expected.

She would not have imagined that Quinn would learn ASL. Even though a fluent conversation was not possible yet, it still impressed Rachel immensely. How Quinn had managed to learn so many words and formulations in just a couple of days was amazing. She knew from her own experience to star in a Broadway show took almost every free minute for preparation and rehearsals. That did not leave much leisure time in the peak seasons, which was definitely the case, with Christmas coming up and so many more tourists exploring New York. She would have to ask Quinn about her schedule next time. She must have spent every free minute practicing ASL.

The fact she had picked her up at the subway station also showed great consideration from Quinn. It was a well appreciated gesture. Rachel had felt strangely safe and secure all of a sudden when she saw the familiar figure standing on top of the stairs, offering her one of her beautiful and honest smiles. And Rachel knew a lot about smiles. As an actress, you were the master of smiles for all kinds of people and situations. So she could discern fake from true smiles easily, not matter how well versed people were in trying to hide their real feelings behind them. With Quinn, she had only seen true smiles being directed at her. She did not try to hide her feelings in Rachel's presence. Not like she had in high school, acting as if Rachel's existence caused her pure agony.

Rachel knew the true reason behind it now, but it had been very disheartening all those years ago.

Now, everything about Quinn's actions seemed genuine and unaffected. The brunette had to acknowledge that her former high school friend was truly trying hard to make Rachel see she cared deeply about her and her situation.

But why on earth would Quinn want to go as far as to experience deafness herself, Rachel still could not quite understand.

Well, that was not quite true. She could understand the interest behind it, yes, but she did not see why Quinn would actually go through with it. Quinn could see what impact and limitation it had on Rachel, even with the smallest interaction, so why did she want to endure it herself? Rachel could not blame Quinn for breaking down like she did when realization hit her. Even though it was only a temporary situation for her friend. Nevertheless, at that moment it was real and Rachel could relate so much.

She remembered when it was the first time she had realized what was wrong with her after waking up at the hospital.

She watched people move around her, the pain in her head wanting to make her vomit and her dads peering at her with anxious faces. Rachel had no idea where they had come from. Someone must have called them. How long had she been out? Later she learned that she had been unconscious for two days.

At first, she had not realized what was wrong. Only that something was not right. Then it hit her as a doctor breezed through the door and apparently spoke to her dads, but none of the words reached her ears. She had thrown a confused look at her parents, then back to the doctor, lifting a shaking hand to her ears that were covered in thick gauze.

Hiram held a pad in front of her, where someone had written in short words what had happened. When it registered, she bolted upright in her bed, despite the pain, fighting against the hands that tried to hold her down. She had ripped at the bandages screaming and ranting until a doctor and a nurse finally managed to sedate her.

After that, she had lain in her hospital bed, not eating and not communicating. Every time someone tried to get her attention, she just turned her head in the other direction. At that time, she had not believed she would come to the point she found herself at now – to be walking, talking and still breathing. And that the person that mattered most in her life would actually want to experience what she was going through.

Though Rachel had to admit with a smile, her friend's self-imposed deafness had given her a reason to touch Quinn more often than otherwise would have been necessary. Every time she had, it sent electric sparks up her fingers. Not speaking about the kiss that they shared. That almost felt like a 1000-volt charge surging through her. Rachel still felt the tingles in her spine remembering. Subconsciously she touched her lips with her fingers, savoring the feeling of Quinn's soft lips against hers.

With a start, she pulled herself out of her reverie. How on god's earth could that have happened? What did it mean for her, for Quinn, for their friendship? Just five days ago, she would not have thought of ever having Quinn back in her life, and now all this?

It was just crazy. But crazy felt so good right now, she admitted to herself.

She had always wondered why she had never managed to forget Quinn completely. Why - despite all the meanness and rudeness the blonde had displayed towards her - she had always wanted the other girl to see for herself the wonderful person she, Quinn, could be. That arrogant and aggressive outer shell could not deter Rachel from the fact that there was so much potential and depth in that girl. She had hoped for Quinn that one day she would find that spark inside her and would stop suppressing it.

Rachel was glad that their separation had served at least to fuel Quinn's strive for a career in the show business and that she had found her true inner calling and stayed true to it.

Rachel closed the book and dropped it next to the bathtub on the floor. Then she slid down and ducked under water. Pushing herself up again, breaking through the surface of the bathwater, she smoothed her long brown hair out of her face with both hands and reached for the shampoo. Slowly she lathered the liquid into her hair.

Returning back to the evening before, Rachel was still somewhat confused. Where did the kiss leave them now? Surely, a relationship was out of the question. Rationally thinking, she had never considered herself to be into women and she had never considered Quinn to be into women either and she was not sure she had the strength to go through with it. The short time with Quinn had awakened her spirit again, but plunging head on into this relationship – be it solely based on friendship or more - was just too much for her right now.

One other reason that kept nagging at the back of her head was the simple fact that she was deaf. That would take too great a toll on a relationship with Quinn. Hell, on any relationship. With Quinn being a professional singer on Broadway, Rachel just could not see herself in the picture. As much as Quinn tried to show her how much she cared, Rachel dreaded the day when Quinn would notice that this was not a momentary situation, but that her deafness was permanent. There would never be a change. She would never be able to see a show and compliment Quinn on her singing or help her prepare for a role.

If push came to shove, it would be hard to survive Quinn leaving her again, no matter what kind of relationship they were in, friendship or else.

Rachel firmly shook her head at her own musings. God, there she was already discussing things in her mind that five days ago she would not have dreamed of ever happening. She had to stop _assuming,_ at least when it came to Quinn. She had learned that much so far.

After rinsing her hair, Rachel slowly got out of the water and grabbed a towel. When she was standing in front of the mirror, slowly trying to get the knots and tangles out of her brown mane, her heart asked her a different question. _What did she have to lose?_

She had been at the very bottom of her own nightmarish pit; so deep that she actually thought about ending her life. Any perseverance left in her had managed to keep her fighting for her life and convince her to at least give it a try. So she looked up from that deep place she had been and actually searched for a way out. And now, over the past days someone had managed to pull her upwards. Her heart tried to tell her that she should hand out her trust and take the offered hand.

She decided to take one step at a time. Wait and see what the next day would bring.

After a light breakfast, Rachel dropped into her desk chair and opened her laptop to check her few messages. Kurt had sent her another e-mail. He missed her, he wondered why she disappeared off the face of the earth, he was worried, he wanted to see her. And that he would repeat sending her these messages until she was finally willing to admit that he still cared about her very much. He would never give up. When she had deleted all his e-mails before in a rush and in anger, today she managed to smile at his tenacity and at the exact same words she had heard from someone else before.

Kurt had been the only one she had allowed to visit her in the hospital. Just once. And she had sworn him to secrecy about her condition, making him swear by his father's life never to tell anyone. Then she had blocked all of his further attempts to contact her again. It had just been too painful.

As she stared at his words, she realized all of a sudden that all she had accused Quinn of, she did in the same way to Kurt. And to her other friends for that matter. She had pushed them out of her life without even letting them know why, without even giving them a chance to do right by her. She had just assumed that she would be a burden and did not want to face the repercussions. So even before someone had the chance to make a mistake, she quenched all attempts in their seeds without even clarifying why.

She had been absolutely adamant that no one should learn about her accident or particularly about the consequences. People were speculating that her disappearance obviously had something to do with the car crash, but they never learnt the whole truth. She had sworn her assistant to absolute secrecy and Melissa had done an excellent job handling the press, insurance agencies and her lawyers with regards to her contract obligations with the theater. As the accident had happened late at night, no bystanders had witnessed it. A tenant from a nearby apartment had heard the crash and called for help. That was her luck. The only bit of luck she had that night.

Her thoughts returned to Quinn. Deep in her heart, Rachel knew that she would have forgiven Quinn. If she would have been given the _chance_ to understand why she kept away from her, she would have tried everything to help and support Quinn in whatever way.

As this revelation washed through her, she also grasped why Quinn was trying to support her now and what all the other people that cared about her wanted to do. They all wanted to let her know that no matter what had happened, no matter how it changed Rachel's life, they would still love her. HER. Not just her voice, not just the successful singer or actress but her as a person. The other things were all facets of her, granted - important ones, but still they were only a part _of_ her. There was still so much more about her even without her voice or her ability to hear. She just had to find out what that was.

Tears slipped down her cheeks and for the first time since the accident, she was able to accept herself the way she was, including all negative and positive aspects. As she silently cried, she felt as if another burden had been lifted off her shoulders.

And then her fingers flew over the keyboard.

_\- Dear Kurt -_

_I'm so sorry! I have been such a mess and you were trying to be a good friend and I never let you. I feel so ashamed and stupid and it took me all these months to come back to my senses. Well, at least to the remaining four :-)_

_Kurt, I don't know where to start to explain and apologize to you. A lot has happened and I am still trying to sort out my thoughts. But I realized that I pushed you away when I needed a friend the most. I hurt so much after realizing what the accident had caused that I did not have the strength to face anyone who knew me from before. It has taken me all these long months to get my bearings again._

_I'm not great, but I am getting better. I still have a long way ahead of me to accept and learn and plan, but at least I'm taking a very small baby step forward. And it took another person to pull me out of my stupor. That was when I noticed that friends are always important and that one cannot exist without them._

_I was not a good friend to you over the past months, Kurt. But I would like to try to be a better one in the future, if you let me._

_Please let me know how you are and what you are up to!_

_Thank you for never giving up on me._

_\- Hugs Rachel -  
_

She pressed "send" and leaned back in her chair. Yes. She was definitely taking a step forward. And it felt good!

... ... ...

Just a couple of hours later she received an answer from her old Glee partner. Eagerly she opened the text.

_\- Dear Rachel! -  
_

_I'm so happy about your message!_

_Don't ever apologize, Rachel. I can truly understand that you needed time to digest and understand what happened and what impact it has on your life._

_Believe me, I will keep sending you messages for the rest of your life, if necessary. Even though you chose to not want to stay in contact, I wanted you to know that I was still there and would always be there. That is why I kept sending my e-mails. I didn't know if I should have reacted differently or if I could have helped you in any other way, but I felt that when it was ok for you, you would know that you could contact me._

_That is what friends are for. True friends do not abandon you when you are going through a rough time._

_I'm really glad to hear that you are better! And who is this mysterious person that helped you? I'm curious, you know, I want to know all about him or her! You could at least have given me a name! Well, I'm just teasing. -  
_

_If you knew Kurt, if only you knew_ , Rachel thought. He would either squeal in delight or drop his jaw in pure astonishment. He was a sucker for this kind of stories. She shook her head, smiling and focused back on his message.

_\- I would very much like to meet you, if that is ok with you. Whenever you're ready. Let me know. I am also happy to communicate in any written form as long as you wish, if that makes you more comfortable._

_Just in case I can convince you to a real life meeting, I happen to be free tonight. One of the in-style parties has been canceled at the last minute. Now isn't that a coincidence!? You know the address :-). I would dress up especially in a welcome outfit for you, Rachel!_

_And I could update you then on my incredible life in the world of fashion! Blaine is not home, so you would have me and my gorgeous self all to yourself and with that, my undivided attention. How does that sound?_

_\- Love Kurt -  
_

Rachel could _so_ imagine Kurt dressing up in one of his unique and special Kurt-ish ensembles of clothes. Oh, she really missed him, she noticed. It would be good to see him again. Since he already knew about her deafness, at least she would not have to be afraid of going through the whole 'shock-and-I-can't-believe-what-happened'-phase.

Going back to her old apartment, that was something else. That's where everything began. Her life in New York, NYADA, her first Broadway roles… Rachel was not sure if she was strong enough to face those memories that the familiar surroundings would trigger.

Then again, she really wanted to see Kurt, but she did not want to invite him to her apartment. Somehow, this would be a step too far, to let him enter her sanctuary. She had debated with herself for a long time about inviting Quinn over for breakfast on Sunday. But as she had already shared quite some intimate moments with her through their discussions – and yes, that kiss also counted for one of the more intimate moments– she felt ok letting Quinn enter into her home.

So where would that leave her for the evening? She closed her eyes. Memories came up anyway at any inconvenient time. But now, not only of the old times, also more recent ones, very recent ones. She figured, if she ever wanted to overcome the loneliness, this longing and the pain at always having to think about her losses, she would have to create some new memories, good and happy new memories.

This she could only do if she started to participate in life again. And that also included interacting with other people. Why not start with friends who really cared and take Kurt up on his offer? It was a safe environment - except for the way getting there, but that she could manage somehow. She had done it the night before.

Rachel let out a deep breath and typed her answer, a little surprised by her own boldness.

_\- Hey Kurt! -  
_

_Guess what. I'll take you up on your offer! And I'll send this e-mail quickly so I won't have time to change my mind…Would 7 p.m. be a good time to drop by?  
Oh, and please do wear that hippo brooch for me!_

_And you are sure you don't want to use your spontaneous night off for an unscheduled make-out session with Blaine ;-)? Sorry, couldn't resist it._

_\- Rachel -  
_

It did not take long for the answer to come back.

_\- Haha, Rachel, haha.-_

_I see you are getting back to your old self. We are not scheduling make-out sessions anymore. We have become a very spontaneous couple, so you know! But if it makes you smile, I will let you tease me all night. (I am theatrically placing the back of my hand against my forehead, sighing dramatically.)_

_7 pm is fine. Dress up._

_\- Kurt -  
_

Rachel had to laugh again at Kurt's antics.

_\- Aaaawww, you're so sweet, Kurt!-_

_Why the dress-up? And which degree of "dress-up"? Like totally 'Tony Award winning' dress up or just a 'I meet a good friend after a long time' dress up? I need some guidance here.  
To be honest, I was figuring a cozy night on the couch… Going out is kinda not in my range currently…_

_\- R. -  
_

Maybe she should have declined his invitation from the beginning. This was already getting out of hand before it even began. An envelope floating across the screen alerted her to another e-mail.

_\- Rachel, relax, we will stay put, I promise! It goes more in the direction of 'finally I meet my most stylish friend Kurt again and I need to look good to impress him' kind of dress :-). But any way you dress, you'll look gorgeous, I know!  
And if you choose to come naked, fine by me, just get here!_

_\- Kurt – very excited! -  
_

Rachel only managed to smile and shake her head at the screen after reading Kurt's response. This was going to be interesting.

* * *

* * *

**I have just been watching the newest Castle episode 'Significant Others'. Is it just me or is there motive behind the names used in this episode?  
**

**There is a  
**

**\- Mr. Schu(e)ster  
**

**\- Noah  
**

**\- Lea(nne)  
**

**\- And last but not least: 2 characters dating named Cory and Michelle! (The character in CAstle was written with two "ll"...)  
**

**HELL-OOOOOO? :-). I am definitely watching for Castle references in the next Glee episode! :-)**


	14. Chapter 14

**I do not own Glee (I know I keep repeating myself…) or its characters.  
I wish I did, though. (I know, I mentioned THAT before as well :-))**

**Thanks to Nicole for her hard work correcting my mistakes and being patient with me for repeatedly misspelling a certain person's name mentioned in this chapter :-)**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

It took Rachel forty-five minutes to get to her old apartment. This time, she was a bit more prepared standing on the platform waiting for the train. She anticipated feeling the train coming and just like the day before, the wind picked up and the rumble alerted her of its approach. Again, she tried to stay close to the wall to have everything else in her view.

When she stood in front of her old building, she looked up its façade and found the apartment brightly lit. She knew of Kurt's love for candles; however, that romantic atmosphere made it quite difficult to see the other person's features and gestures for her. So she was glad that he had considered her condition.

When she knocked on the door, it was pulled open immediately as if Kurt had been waiting behind it. He beamed and threw up his arms, wiggling them, waiting for her to step into his embrace.

She hugged Kurt fiercely and held him in a long embrace. She felt his jaw move against the side of her head and her suspicion was correct when she also felt the vibration in his body.

Slowly she pulled back with a smile. "I have no idea whatever you were just saying, Kurt, I'm guessing it was something along the line of 'I am so happy to see you'. Well, I'm happy to see you, too, Kurt!" That was so Kurt that in all his enthusiasm he would bubble over with joy. She chuckled a bit at his embarrassed look. He covered his mouth in disbelief at his own lapse.

_God, Rachel, I am so sorry; I don't know what came over me. And yes. You guessed correctly. I'm so happy to see you!_

His hands flew through the air and Rachel's jaw dropped. How was that possible? Another person who learned sign language to communicate with her?

Kurt squeezed her into another hug. Then he pulled her inside, took her coat, and guided her to the living room. Rachel turned around to take in the decoration of the flat. It had not changed much, the living room, the kitchen, it was still the same, even the kitchen table with the white mismatched chair was still there. What used to be her bedroom was now turned into a little office and music room with a piano in the middle. The two lamps in the living room were gone; the one with the white lampshade and the one in the corner with the red stand. That one Rachel had never liked much anyway. Otherwise, she felt right at home again.

Turning, she found Kurt smiling at her.

_So, what do you think? Still the same?_

_Yes. Pretty much,_ she signed back. _I feel right at home._

Then she made a sweeping motion down her body.

_Enough dress up for my friend that I have not seen for such a long time?_ She asked with her eyebrow raised.

She wore a black, sleeveless dress with elegant, black boots and a dark lavender colored cocktail jacket.

_Yes, I like the color! You look very elegant._ Kurt complimented her.

_Thanks for wearing …_ she searched for the correct sign and when she could not remember, she pointed at the hippo brooch that adorned Kurt's jacket.

"…that!" She then added and laughed.

_Anything to make you happy. After all, it was your special request!_

Kurt himself wore dark grey trousers, a black vest and a black, Asian style jacket with a band collar and hand sewn Chinese coins lining the front edge next to the knot closures. He looked very handsome in this outfit and she told him so.

They settled comfortably on the couch, leaning against the armrests, facing each other.

_When did you learn ASL?_ Rachel did not slow her signing with Kurt as much as she had with Quinn. He had a lot more practice, it seemed.

_I started taking lessons when I heard what happened. After I visited you in the hospital. I had asked your dads once how you were. And they told me._

_Even though I pushed you away and did not want to see you anymore, you still took the effort to learn?_ She skipped over his comment regarding her dads.

_I had always hoped that maybe one day we would see each other again_. Kurt smiled.

"Oh." Rachel lowered her head. She was humbled by the gestures of her friends. She had severely misjudged them. Through her tears threatening to spill, she felt a tender hand on her chin, gently lifting her head so she would face Kurt again. She wiped her eyes so she could see what he was saying.

_Rachel, don't berate yourself. I understand. You had to find your way. You had to come to terms with this situation. Let's take it from here, ok?_

Rachel nodded a small smile.

_So, how are you?_ Kurt asked with a sincere look, his eyes searching the familiar face, finding the warm, brown eyes of his friend. He had truly missed her.

Rachel raised her hand and dropped it again in her lap, the equivalent of a shrug. Her eyes followed her own hand and she kept her gaze trained to her lap when she tried to answer Kurt's question honestly.

Again, she found it easier to speak than she had expected. If Kurt tried to accommodate her, she could at least give something back.

"It's up and down, mostly. The hardest part is that I sometimes feel like I am going to explode. I feel this pressure rising in me and have no way of releasing it." She raised her brown eyes. "I need to sing Kurt. I just need to! And I don't know how to handle it. Running on my treadmill only helps temporarily. It just numbs this longing until the exhaustion wears off. I can't keep running for the rest of my life 24/7 just to suppress this urge which I know I can never vent!"

Kurt quickly squeezed Rachel's hand before pulling back to sign.

_I can understand that Rachel. Is there any way I can help?_ He sincerely asked.

"Yeah, give me back my hearing!" She sighed. "Sorry. That wasn't fair."

Rachel shook her head and continued signing. _No, you can't help. Not really. I just have to find my own way of dealing with this, I guess. Maybe I'll just become a …_ She waved her hand through the air in search of an example. _… painter. Or I'll start composing, just like Beethoven._ Kurt chuckled at her joke. _I don't know. I will take you up on your offer to help if I do know, ok?_

Then she threw a genuine smile at him. _So, how is life in the music and fashion industry?_

_Not so fast, young lady! We will come to me later and I will ask for a respectable amount of stage time, but I want to know about that secret person you mentioned in your e-mail. Spill, who is it? Someone I know?_

He wiggled his eyebrows with his last question and Rachel had to laugh again. God, she had forgotten how much fun Kurt could be.

Though Rachel quickly sobered when she thought about how best to tell Kurt what had happened. Before actually coming to the point where Quinn entered her life again, she had to tell him about the time before. How lost, isolated and downright depressed she had been. So Kurt would understand what meeting Quinn had meant for Rachel.

Since she reverted back to speaking, Kurt was able to hold her hand as a sign of comfort during the not so easy memories of the time when she was released from the hospital, trying to find her bearings – literally- again.

Rachel then told him about how Quinn noticed her by a chance passing by the theater and that she had followed her to the Community Center and what the encounter had set into motion. Kurt had tears in his eyes when she came to the part of Quinn seeing her break down when she told Quinn the truth and still she would not let her escape. She held her back and did everything to give her comfort.

_It must have been a shock for her too, to realize what had happened. You know, it always takes a toll on the people around you. They have to come to terms with what happened as well, Rachel._

"Yes, well. That is true. But I'd rather have someone dealing with it in an honest and open way than trying to either pretend nothing is wrong or ignore me, because they cannot deal with it. And with my dad's I had the feeling it was worse for them than for me. With Quinn, I don't know, as difficult as it was having her enter my life just like that again, especially under these circumstances, somehow it felt so …. As if a missing piece had finally fallen into its place. Do you understand what I am trying to say?" Rachel threw a questioning look at her friend.

_Yes, I know._ Kurt nodded and gave her knowing smile.

"I don't know what possessed me to agree to go to lunch with her and to have dinner with her, but I could not say no or stay away. Her honesty and caring were so genuine, so heartwarming that despite all my rejections that came up in my head, I had to keep seeing her. She managed to pull me out of my isolation. Reconnecting with someone, well, not someone, with a person that is so important to me made me realize a lot of things about myself. And, well, I guess that also made me look at your messages in another light and finally let me come to my senses."

Rachel prodded on and finally came to the recount of the events of the night before. Remembering one particular scene, she slightly shook her head, still in disbelief that it had actually happened.

_What? What happened then? Come on, Rachel, don't torture me here!_

Kurt jumped a bit up and down while signing, being so enraptured by her story, his eyes wide with excitement. He had insisted on every little detail. _Every_ detail.

"Well, when she started crying so hard, I rushed over and knelt down in front of her. I was so worried! And then… then…" subconsciously Rachel lifted her fingertips again up to her lips and closed her eyes. "And then she kissed me. On my lips." She threw a glance at Kurt with that revelation.

His jaw dropped and he was too stunned to move or sign.

"Quinn. Fabray. Kissed. You. On. The. Mouth?" Was all he managed to say very slowly.

"Hmhm." She nodded and lifted a questioning eyebrow, waiting for another reaction from her friend. He was rarely speechless, but this stunner must have blocked the word processor in his brain.

Then the ignition seemed to be turned on again and before he caught himself, he exclaimed, with his hand on his heart:

"No way! No way!"

Rachel easily understood his comment by reading his lips. "Yes way. She kissed me. And then she profoundly apologized."

Kurt blinked and lifted his hands again to sign.

_You know, I …. Would have expected anything to happen, but not this. This is the most interesting and most incredible story life can write._

"Tell me about it."

_And now what? What will you do now? How will you deal with this?_

Rachel got up and started pacing the room, trying to collect her thoughts.

"I don't know. My mind is doing cartwheels. There are so many emotions racing through me, I can hardly get a grip on them. Everything is happening so fast. Five days ago I tried to get through each dreaded day, everything was pure routine and I was well organized, having a good check on my emotions. And then, bam -"

She slapped her hands together for emphasis.

"- in one instant everything is turned upside down. Everything I had carefully organized inside of me is blown apart. It had hurt so much when Quinn did not return my calls and did not want to see me anymore. Then the accident happened and I gave up hope completely to ever… reconnect with her."

She took a couple of breaths before she could continue.

"But I never really managed to forget her. I the hell don't know how many times I had sung _On my own_ for myself with her on my mind before the accident."

The last sentence slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it.

That was the second time Kurt found himself speechless. With effort, he managed to sign:

_You what?_

Rachel sagged on the couch table, facing Kurt. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. No turning back now.

"At some point I realized that … that Quinn meant more to me than just as a friend. In a way, I was glad that we did not see each other. I don't know how I could have handled my feelings for her with her near me. I never thought she would… I would… we would… I mean, I … she is a woman and …" She rubbed a hand over her forehead.

"Kurt, I'm so confused," she whispered, tears starting to spill.

He pulled Rachel over to the couch for comfort and held her close until she calmed down. He could imagine the roller coaster of emotions she was on with everything that was happening to her. When she pulled back, he handed her tissue and smiled encouragingly at her.

_Welcome to the club,_ he signed when he had his hands free again. That comment threw a small smile on Rachel's face before she wrinkled her brows.

_What, you are confused as well?_

Kurt laughed at Rachel's cute puzzled expression when she asked that question.

_You know, give yourself some time. You don't have to rush anything. It will work out, I am sure. I am truly impressed by how Quinn reacted over the past days from what you told me. You also mean very much to her. Her whole demeanor towards you proves that. The Quinn I know, or remember, would not walk around kissing girls lightly. Just take it easy and step by step. But you know, you are not telling me a real secret about your feelings. I guessed it when I saw your face every time after you tried calling her and she would not answer. You looked as if a piece of your heart would break with every unanswered call. That's when my gaydar –_ he had to fingerspell this _– went on first alert. However, I never really thought that something between you and Quinn would happen._ He grinned.

"Have I been that transparent? God, I hope I had my face in check while I was with her the other days," Rachel groaned. For the next sentence, she used her hands again, as if to make a point.

_Kurt. I'm deaf. I'm still not anywhere near having sorted out my life. I barely managed to get out of my apartment the past weeks. All my social life for the past six months has happened in the last five days. I am nowhere near being ready to think about love or a relationship. It just seems crazy in my situation. Especially since Quinn is singing on Broadway._

She added with a bitter expression: _I am not sure what she would want with a deaf friend/girlfriend anyway._

Rachel cut the air with her hand to indicate the slash between the two words _friend_ and _girlfriend_.

Kurt cupped his friend's face gently in both hands and looked her deep into the eyes. When he was sure he had her full attention, he softly let go and formed his answer.

_Rachel, stop this wheel in your mind for a while. It will not bring you anywhere near a solution. Give Quinn some credit. Maybe, as hard as it might be, talk to her. Tell her honestly what you feel and what this whole situation does to you. Give her the chance to know what she is dealing with. You felt so helpless when you had no idea what happened to your friendship, when she would not talk to you. I can imagine that she is as confused and insecure now as you are. Stop assuming! And as hard as it might still be, stop depreciating yourself._

Kurt's comment struck home. Wasn't that exactly what she had told herself this morning?

_You are still Rachel, you are still witty, funny, beautiful and sexy and intelligent. Don't underestimate yourself. Give yourself and Quinn time to come to terms with this whole situation and everything it entails._

_I know. My heart knows that. But it is so hard to stop the machine in my head._

_I may have the perfect recipe for that. Let's numb it with some incredible Domino's pizza and some red wine. Ok?_

Rachel leaned back, a hand on her grumbling stomach. She laughed, "Ok, my belly says yes to that!"

Kurt chuckled as well, stood up and asked if Rachel wanted to come with him to pick up the pizza. As Domino's was right around the corner, he did not ask for delivery but usually got it himself.

She shook her head.

_I'll stay and snoop around while you're gone_ , she signed with a mischievous grin on her face.

_Ok, but the second drawer in the blue cabinet is off limits_ , Kurt retorted.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Rachel got up as well, made a dismissive hand gesture in Kurt's direction, and teasingly turned towards the mentioned cabinet in the music corner. Over her shoulder, she watched him raise a warning finger and with that, he disappeared through the door. On her way over to the cabinet, she had to pass the piano in the middle of the room. That stopped her in her tracks. She stood for a long moment, not moving, just focusing on the instrument in front of her. Then her feet carried her towards it. Rachel did not know what pulled her over to it, but she tentatively placed her right hand on the smooth surface and walked around it until she stood before the keys, never lifting her hand. She raised the lid with her other hand and watched the lights of the apartment being reflected on the white, shiny keys. She had to ask Kurt when he bought it. She had never seen him play before.

Rachel still had her hand on top of the piano and the other rested unmoving by her side. Slowly, as if it had a life of its own, her left hand moved, hovered over the keys, and then dropped onto the C4. She felt the chord in the instrument reverberate and transmit the sound to the wood beneath her fingertips. She pressed the same key again and closed her eyes. Then she hit the E above, then the G and the C5. The vibrations changed beneath her skin with every note she climbed higher. When she hit an accord of all three notes CEG, the whole piano came alive under her touch.

She played more accords and each sent slightly different vibrations up her arm. Rachel felt temptation rise in her. Slowly she bent forward, still standing in front of the piano and leaned her left elbow on the top of the piano, placing her left hand against her chest at the same time. With her right hand, she played the C4. Remembering the sound of that tone, she started humming. The vibrations racing through the piano were different from the ones she felt in her chest, due to the different sizes of their respective resonating frames. It confused Rachel more than it helped. So she dropped her left arm and just started playing a scale. Her eyes followed the movements of the keys her fingers caused, but without touching the wood, it seemed unreal somehow. She imagined in her mind how the scales had sounded the way she used to play them to warm up. Her fingers kept skipping over the shiny keys.

…..

Kurt pushed the door open and almost dropped the pizza he held in his hand. He already heard the piano in the hallway, but he did not expect Rachel to be sitting in front of it, completely lost in her play, her eyes half closed. Even if it was just scales, she was running up and down, Kurt was more than intrigued. Because Rachel kept humming along.

After a moment, he snapped out of his amazement. Whatever had possessed Rachel to start playing, he felt he should not pry on her unbidden. Kurt stomped his foot on the wooded floor to alert Rachel of his presence. Only after the third time did she noticed. She whirled around with a startled expression on her face as if Kurt had just caught her in doing something completely forbidden. All the color drained from her face.

After Rachel's initial shock had worn off, she swallowed hard.

"Since when were you standing there?" She managed with a choked voice so quiet that Kurt had to strain his ears to hear her.

_I heard you humming along with the last two scales._

He simply stated, having placed the two pizza cartons on the kitchen table, his eyes shining unusually bright.

Rachel tried to control her breathing, staring at her friend across the room. She had been so lost in her playing and remembering the warm-ups before her shows that she had not even noticed she had _actually_ sung along. How could that have happened? This was not possible. She did not sing. Or hum. Whatever. Not anymore. God, she was so embarrassed right now that she wanted the earth to open and swallow her whole. With any other person she could have survived this, but not with Kurt. He had always been the most ambitious person pushing himself to perfection right next to Rachel. To have him listen to her croaking along some notes she played on the piano – her playing the piano that in itself was already absurd enough – was just an unbearable thought. She felt like running from the room. Instead, with almost an unbearable effort she straightened her back and lifted her chin.

Then she pointed at the cartons on the table: _The pizza is getting cold. I think we should eat._ She then signed, clearly not wanting to speak about it further.

Kurt stepped towards Rachel, but she held up a hand and moved back, wanting to keep the distance between them. Kurt stopped. He needed to diffuse this situation somehow. He needed to tell Rachel what he had heard.

_Don't… don't be embarrassed Rachel._ His gaze softened. _You were perfectly in tune._

Rachel just shook her head, denying what her friend tried to tell her.

_Honestly, Rachel. You were. Why don't you try again?_

"Why don't I…Kurt, I am DEAF, I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF SING. There is no way I am going to embarrass myself again like that. Just TALKING is already an obstacle for me, always worrying if people understand me and how I sound like. Am I too loud, too quiet, am I articulating myself correctly and so on? How dare you ask me why I wouldn't try to SING again?"

Ironically, her outburst came across perfectly articulated, even with the emphasis on the right words. But Kurt kept his mouth closed this time, understanding the doubts and insecurities Rachel was experiencing.

Rachel could not bear having Kurt tell her that. Even if it were true and even if what Quinn told her was true, that she sounded normal and that she might have hit the right tune just now, it did not matter, it did not count. Because she would never be sure. She would never be able to _really_ know for herself.

Her hands started moving.

_Let's eat, ok? Let's forget what just happened._

Then she slowly walked towards the kitchen area and started getting the plates out and cutlery from the familiar places, not looking at Kurt and thus conveniently cutting off every further communication for the moment.

Kurt release a long breath, he had half expected one of Rachel Berry's famous storm outs, not knowing how close he came to actually experience one. And he would not even have blamed her. But he was glad that she had decided to stay.

After they ate the first slice in uncomfortable silence, Rachel looked up from her plate and lifted her hands.

_I'm sorry Kurt. That was not fair. It was not your fault that you caught me in that situation. That was solely my mistake. I should never have gone near that piano. I have no idea what possessed me._

She reached out a hand and was glad when her friend took it.

"And thank you, actually, for alerting me to your presence and not sneaking up on me."

He shrugged and smiled _. It was the only fair thing to do. I did not want to intrude, Rachel._ Before he could say more, she cut him off.

"So, tell me what has happened in your life besides learning to sign. And how is Blaine?"

Blaine and Kurt had found their way back together after a three-year separation. Recently Blaine had moved into Kurt's apartment and the last Rachel knew was that there was marriage talk.

Kurt's eyes started to sparkle when Rachel mentioned Blaine's name.

She had been with Kurt through all the ups and downs of his relationship with his former high school sweetheart. Even though both of them, Blaine and Kurt, had other partners during their separation, they could never really forget each other. When Blaine found an engagement with a small theater company in New York two years ago, it was just a matter of time when their paths would cross more than just casually. Kurt still worked as a freelancer for Vogue, reporting on show business fashion. Even though he graduated from NYADA, he still felt a strong kinship with the magazine that helped him set foot and leave an imprint in the Big Apple. Next to his freelancing job, he currently had an engagement in an independent off-Broadway production about a young man finding his way onto the stage in the 1920s, set shortly before the Second World War.

More at ease, they shared the rest of their dinner and the red wine Kurt had promised.

Marriage plans were up and taking form, the ceremony was planned for April in the coming year. Rachel was excited. And she was glad that she had stayed and not let her weak moment ruin the evening.

"You need help planning?" She clapped her hands and grinned at Kurt

_Oh yes, you bet! Look!_

He jumped up and came back with an armload of magazines, which he dumped between them. Several pages were marked with post-its and he led Rachel through his ideas of locations, settings, decorations, and invitations.

"And? Have you thought about the music?"

She surprised him with that question. Kurt scanned her face searching for any sign of bitterness or contempt. But he only saw honest curiosity. Then he nodded.

_Yes. At least I have one song that definitely has to play when I walk down the "aisle",_ he smirked and put the word aisle in figurative speech marks.

"Let me guess: You're the First, the Last, my Everyone by Barry White?"

His jaw dropped. _How did you know? I never ever told anyone before that this was my dream song. I know it is so cheesy – that's why I never told anyone, but…_ he sighed, leaned back in his chair, placed his hand on his heart and closed his eyes.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh out loud at this, that was so Kurt.

"No, really? Kurt, it's ok, I won't tell. I promise." She giggled feeling the effect of the wine.

He leaned forward poking a finger at his friend.

_Good, because otherwise I would have to kill you. I swear! No one will know before the first notes of this song hit the air and I float down the aisle in a dream of a white suit._

Rachel held up a hand and wiggled her little finger. "Pinky Promise!"

"Pinky Promise!" He answered and both smiled.

…..

When Rachel returned to her apartment that night, she could not wipe the smile off her face. She was happy, she felt elated. For the first time since her accident, she was actually content, the little incident with the piano aside. She was glad she had roused the courage to meet Kurt, she was glad about the dinner with Quinn the other night and she was happy that Quinn was coming over for breakfast in the morning. It felt so good to have widened that little hatch in her walls.

She still felt the effect of the wine and remembered faintly that someone had once said alcohol was liquid courage. Well, she had been courageous the past five days without it and was beyond proud of herself. Nevertheless, the wine seemed to have a sleeping effect on the rational, negative voice in her head that always had something to say. She sat at her computer and drafted a message for Quinn. She was not drunk, just a bit tipsy, but that seemed enough to enhance her courage a tad bit more.

Rachel still felt like flying, without security and a net to catch her. The evening with Kurt seemed to give her another upwind under her wings. And that night she was at a point where she decided not think about falling, but about looking forward.

Before she censured her own thoughts and actions, she let her fingers wander over the keyboard, watching the words appear in front of her.

Rachel was not sure how Quinn would react to her words. But she had decided she needed to come clear and lay everything in the open before they both ran too deep into a direction that neither of them wanted or could deal with. Turning back at such a point would hurt much more than now.

She had to take the risk.

…

Quinn tiredly leaned against the door of her apartment after her show. She had not slept much the night before, her mind always wandering back to the feeling of Rachel's lips against hers. However wrong it might have been at that moment, Quinn still cherished the small kiss she had stolen from her friend. Unsure about the repercussions, she felt a bit uneasy thinking about breakfast the next day. She wanted to see Rachel again so much, but she would not be able to endure it if that foolish action of hers had caused a break in their newfound friendship, now that Rachel had had time to let it sink and think about it.

Also, Quinn was afraid that Rachel still doubted the sincerity of her feelings. And that she might think her disability would lessen Quinn's view of her. Granted, it made things more difficult in terms of communication, especially if it came to conveying their true feelings for each other. But the petite, brown-haired woman had held her heart in her hands for the past years. And Quinn would never want to have it back. It belonged to Rachel. It was hers.

Quinn would stay true to her vow to stick to Rachel's side, even if she decided that she only wanted a relationship solely based on friendship. It would tear Quinn apart, but for Rachel, she would stay strong and learn to come to terms with it. Somehow. This would be Quinn's handicap and she would learn to live with it as much as Rachel learned to live with hers.

Quinn dropped her handbag on the couch next to the door and took off her shoes. Rachel had given her the address already the evening before, so at least now she knew where her friend lived and how to get there. Before going to bed, she wanted to check her e-mail to make sure that Rachel had not called off their Sunday breakfast. That was a fear Quinn could not rid herself off.

When she actually noted that Rachel had sent her a message just mere minutes ago, she prayed that it was something positive. She began reading.

_Dear Quinn,_

_You would not believe it, but I just came back from my old-old apartment where I spent a wonderful evening with Kurt. It was so great seeing him again after almost half a year._

_Anyway, I'll tell you the details tomorrow._

_Actually, I'm writing to you because I have a request. It might sound trivial, but it means a lot to me. As confused as I still am about what had happened these past days and as hard as it still is coming to terms with everything, I need us to come clear. About us. About our feelings. About our hopes and expectations. I would be lying if I said that meeting you and having you back in my life would leave me unaffected._

_It touches me more than I'd like to admit but I have to. Because I cannot go down that road if you tell me half way that this isn't the direction you want to head in._

_I know that we cannot look into the future and that we cannot plan everything. We will have to take everything step by step, if we choose to._

_You mean a lot to me, Quinn. More than I ever thought would be possible. You always have. All those years of not seeing you, I felt incomplete. Something was always missing. I thought it would fill me up if I had the perfect engagement, but even then I noticed that it was not what I did for a living, it was not singing and performing, but it was you who made me whole. And as hard as it is for me being deaf, I feel that_ you _managed to give me back some of my life. That is the most precious gift someone can receive. I would always choose you over my voice, Quinn, if I had to._

_Let's face it, if you had still seen me healthy and happy performing on stage, I might still be waiting for you to ever contact me again. Our paths might not have crossed had I not been on my way to the community center in that part of town where I moved to after my accident._

_And if that was the price I had to pay to see you again, I can learn to live with it._

_I know that these words carry a heavy responsibility. And I understand that responsibility can only be taken voluntarily. I do not want you to feel burdened with my handicap and me. I appreciate all you have done so far. I do not know if I would be able to act so wisely, thoughtful, kind and generous with you had the situation been reversed._

_If we both decide we want each other in our respective lives, I need to know where you stand. And I need you to be completely honest with me. No beating around the bush and no sugarcoating. If you want out, then I ask you to back out now._ _Without regrets or guilt. I mean it. You have managed to make me open up to the world again._ _At least I've started to. If you should decide that this is all getting too much for you, I do not want you to feel responsible to me or have any false liabilities towards me._

_Talk to me and be honest with me. I can deal with that. But not with false hopes and silence._

_Rachel_

Quinn was stunned by the words Rachel had directed at her. She had to read the message another time to grasp the depth it conveyed. Asking for Quinn's honesty, Rachel had displayed brutal honesty herself. She had laid her finger on the wound.

Quinn also had no idea where they were heading. The only thing she knew was that over the past few days she never wanted and did not want to back out now. As much as she meant for Rachel, Rachel meant for her.

They were each other's life. Simple as that.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Rachel could not sleep. Her mind reeled. Had she been too harsh in her e-mail to Quinn? Should she just have waited? No. She had to say this and it was the right time. She only hoped that Quinn would take her up on her request and actually give her an honest answer.

Rachel sat on the windowsill and looked across the street. The glass of the window felt cool against the skin of her face. There was not much traffic but concentrating on the passing cars would at least keep her mind from analyzing more.

Suddenly a flashing light in the reflection of the window caught her attention. She turned around and saw the signal above the entrance flicker. Who would want something from her and at that hour? It was past midnight. Probably just a prank. But the light did not stop. She activated the small camera her dads had installed so she could see who was standing outside.

"Quinn?" She exclaimed with an incredulous look on her face as she saw who was standing in front of the door she just opened.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Despite her astonishment Rachel still managed to step back and open the door wider as an invitation for Quinn to enter.

Quinn hesitantly stepped inside, her eyes never leaving Rachel's face. The smaller woman gave a little shove at the door and it fell close. She felt her breath coming out in short gasps. God, this blond, gorgeous woman in front of her made her completely forget her surroundings. Everything disappeared except for that caring face in front of her. With those beautiful hazel eyes, that beautiful smile, bestowing all attention on her, Rachel.

She noticed a small trace of perfume wafting over from Quinn, her senses overflowing with electricity. Quinn seemed to feel the same as Rachel noted her chest rise and fall quicker with every breath. She needed to break the spell, before something happened.

Instead, she found herself taking a small step towards Quinn and before she could react, the blonde woman had her arms around Rachel's waist, gently pulling her closer. Rachel lifted her head and let a small moan escape her lips. Before she knew it, she stood slightly on her toes, pressing her lips on Quinn's.

She felt Quinn lean into her, deepening their kiss. After an endless moment, Rachel leaned back and broke their connection. She felt flushed and saw color rise to Quinn's cheeks as well.

"Sorry, I don't know what just came over me." Rachel blushed even more. She looked away and took a step back. She had no idea what Quinn wanted to tell her and she made such a fool of herself just kissing her like that. What made her always do the exact opposite of what her reason told her to do when she was near Quinn?

Quinn had to get her bearings before she could react. She gulped down some breaths of air, before her brain seemed to function again. Then she noticed Rachel standing in front of her, her head hanging low. Immediately Quinn tapped Rachel's arm to get her attention.

 _Please, don't feel sorry. That was one of the best welcomes I have ever had. Unless… you greet all your guests like that?_ She signed with a good-natured, teasing smile.

Rachel just shook her head and half-whispered with a crooked smile: "No." Then she looked up. "Sorry, you haven't even taken your coat off. Let me get that." She stepped behind Quinn, glad that she found an excuse to busy her hands. Rachel helped the former head cheerio shrug off the garment and hung it in the beautiful old honey colored armoire that stood next to the entrance.

"Would you like something to drink?" Playing the polite hostess, Rachel asked, too nervous to look at Quinn directly.

 _Water, please._ Brown eyes rested on Quinn's elegant hands.

Quinn trailed the smaller woman into the kitchen area and looked around. The apartment was small, but cozy. It also had an open kitchen, just like hers. It had dark hardwood floors that were adorned with some colorful rugs. However, Quinn did not see any of the typical Broadway show or musical posters that used to adorn Rachel's old apartment. As comfortable and tasteful as it was decorated, the apartment was bare of any reference to music. Instead, she noticed a large bookshelf, almost overflowing with crime stories and books from stand-up comedians. A very large collection of DVDs sat next to it.

Coming full circle her eyes wandered back to the woman opposite her, who had watched her intently with her incredibly beautiful mahogany brown eyes as Quinn tried to soak up every detail of the apartment she could get; using the information to help her depict more about Rachel.

Rachel pushed the full glass of water across the counter towards Quinn, staying behind it. Quinn was aware that the counter served as a barrier and in that moment, it was ok. She needed to have a clear mind for the things she had to say. And that was not possible if she was too close to Rachel. She would not be able to control herself. Not her hands, not her lips, not her thoughts.

"Quinn, what brings you here? It's past midnight." Rachel had spread her arms slightly, holding on to the rim of the countertop for support. Quinn stared at her for a moment thinking how lovely she looked in that simple checkered red blouse and jeans, similar to the one she had worn when they had performed _SING,_ by _My Chemical Romance_ with the Glee Club all those years ago. Her long and shiny hair cascaded loosely down her back.

 _Your e-mail._ Quinn finally managed to answer with her hands.

Rachel just nodded, a strand of brown hair slipping past her shoulder, falling across her chest. Quinn had to resist the urge to reach out and tuck it back. Instead Rachel mirrored her thoughts and reach out to tuck the offending strand back in its place herself. Quinn was captured by this small gesture beyond rational sense. What the hell was going on? What had turned her into this cheesy movie character that seemed to watch everything in slow motion, captivated by the smallest gesture of the one person standing in front of her? Being so caught up and so fucking in love with this woman that everything else faded away when she was near her?

Rachel's voice broke through her musings. A touch at her arm made her jump.

"Quinn, are you ok?" Rachel had moved around the worktop and stood next to Quinn with a worried look on her face, fingers still resting lightly on her arm. Involuntarily Quinn took two steps back to get some distance between herself and the woman who had mesmerized her completely. Who had absolute control over her now.

Her action caused a hurt look to appear on Rachel's face.

"Sorry, I… I did not want to… scare you or make you uncomfortable." Rachel felt fear rise inside her. That small retreat from Quinn had sent a spear through her heart.

Quinn was literally backing off, turning away from her. Something she had feared all along.

Somehow, this action weighted more than the kiss they had shared just moments before. It made Rachel disregard all the feelings that had swept through her while kissing Quinn, all the feelings she thought she received from the other woman through that kiss.

Rachel closed her eyes, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. That was exactly what she had been dreading. God, why had she kissed Quinn? Why did she not just keep hold on her dignity instead of melting away at the first look into those hauntingly familiar eyes? This had to end. Somehow, she needed to get back to that place where she had everything under control, her feelings locked away again. She would be in constant fear of Quinn leaving her, even if she did not want anything more than to follow her own heart. However, that was exactly what caused her all that trouble she was in now.

"Please, say what you have to say and then get out, Quinn. I … don't think I can do this."

Quinn's heart pounded loudly in her chest. What had just happened? What did she do that made Rachel react like that? Quinn was confused. God, how she wished that she could just _talk_ to Rachel, to make her _hear_ that she really meant what she had to say. She wanted Rachel to hear her say her name and to hear all the love she could lay into that name alone. The injustice of it all came crashing back at her.

Rachel still had her eyes closed and Quinn feared not being able to sign everything correctly. But she did not want to revert to writing everything down. Gingerly she took a step closer and very lightly brushed her hand against Rachel's left arm, trying not to startle her.

 _Rachel,_ she signed, desperately trying to look into the brown eyes that found her own, and not at her hands struggling to form the correct signs.

_You asked for my complete honesty._

Rachel nodded barely noticeable.

_I understand where you are coming from. I understand your doubts, fears, and uncertainties. How fast everything is happening between us. And that you must still doubt my sincerity and me for all that I have done._

She waited a moment for Rachel to comprehend and when she nodded again, Quinn continued.

 _You asked me to back out if I could not go through with this, with us. Let me ask you one question before I go on.  
Do _ you _want me to back out? Do you want me to leave?I know I said I would never leave you again. But I respect you and your wishes._ _I respect you, Rachel. Even if it would tear me apart, if you tell me to leave, I will._  
 _Do you want me to?_

With the last question, she reached out and touched Rachel's forearm to emphasize her words. With earnest eyes, she gazed at Rachel, praying that she would say 'no'.

Rachel looked up. She was set on making Quinn leave to save herself but then she drowned in the green pools that looked at her so lovingly. So full of love and fear. Fear of what she might say. Somehow, her body could not react. Rachel could not say the simple word 'yes'. It was as if her mind had forgotten how to send the right signal to her vocal chords. She felt her heart beat in her chest, a reminder of her inner conversation from that morning and the question _what do you have to lose?_ Her heart did not want Quinn to leave. Never.

So she let her heart speak and managed to shake her head slowly. But her mind needed to understand her actions.

_Why did you just back away from me when I touched you, Quinn?_

Rachel's hands flew through the air so fast that Quinn had a hard time understanding. A hurtful look accompanied the graceful hands forming the words.

Oh, how Quinn wished she could just hold Rachel and explain it to her. Instead, she had to keep a certain distance so she could see her hands. Slowly Quinn formed the answer.

_Rachel, I had to step away because having you so close makes me lose every bit of self-control I have. I feel so drawn to you and every time I see you, this feeling gets stronger. I did not step back because I wanted to leave you. I just needed to clear my head a little.  
Rachel, I do not want to abandon you. I have loved you for so long and finally I can admit that to myself and also to you. Nothing is as important to me as you are, Rachel. I know I keep saying this, but I also mean it. Every word._

_You hold my heart in your hands, Rachel._

Quinn's hands were shaking a little with the last admission. But it seemed to have lifted the shadow a little that had been cast over Rachel's face.

Rachel stepped closer. She lovingly stroked her fingers across Quinn's cheek, resisting the urge to kiss her again, but instead searched in her eyes what lay behind the words. And Quinn, lingering in the soft touch, fought the urge to close her eyes. She did not want to shut Rachel out from this one important source of communication.

Rachel was grateful to be able to explore the meaning behind Quinn's words through her hazel orbs. After a long moment, seeing the love sparking in Quinn's eyes, reaching her deep inside with her gaze where mere words would not suffice, Rachel believed her. She let her heart win over her mind. One step at a time, right? Quinn had taken the last one.

Her turn to take the next.

"I…I would like to show you something." Rachel took a deep breath, collecting all her courage before saying the next words.

"You sent me these lyrics to a song some days ago. And I told you that I was not angry in the end. It was hard for me to be confronted with it, but I also told you that I was pretty good at torturing myself with the songs I still have in my head."

Quinn nodded solemnly.

"I do not know if the pain will ever get less or if the memories of music will fade one day or if I will ever be able to still the sounds in my mind. But for now, I've decided I should see it as a precious gift for as long as I can still remember. I should not push it away or try to drown it out. So I let the songs come to my mind. At least this way… I still have something that meant so much to me with me." Rachel took another deep breath.

"Then I remembered something. A song. And even if I would prefer to express this on my own, well, regarding the circumstance I need someone else to do it for me."

She quickly turned around and went to her laptop. Quinn heard her clicking a couple of times and then Rachel turned around again, with her hands holding on to the back of the chair behind her for support, anxiously watching Quinn's reaction.

Quinn did not dare to move as Christina Perri's voice filled the silence between them.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart_   
_But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me_   
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around_   
_I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_   
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_   
_I'll never let a love get so close_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_   
_I never wanna leave you but I …need you ... if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_   
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_   
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_   
_I'll never let a love get so close_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth_   
_And I've never opened up_   
_I've never truly loved_   
_'Till you put your arms around me_   
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls_   
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_   
_I'll never let a love get so close_   
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

Rachel felt her heart beating up to her throat. What would Quinn think? How would she react? Her eyes never left Quinn's features. Halfway through the song Quinn pressed a hand on her mouth obviously trying to stifle a sob. She closed her eyes and some more tears spilled over her cheeks, glistening in the light.

When the song ended, she rushed towards Rachel, pressing her against her taller frame in an embrace as if she was clinging to a life raft. Rachel felt Quinn say something, the sounds vibrating in her chest.

"Quinn, whatever you are saying, translate once we are done hugging, ok?" Rachel managed with a muffled voice and a little smile. "Just don't let go, for now." And she felt Quinn tighten her embrace even more.

After the longest time they gradually loosened their arms around each other, pulling back slightly, staring at each other, and roaming each other's faces with their eyes, soaking up every inch, committing it to memory. Then slowly Rachel closed her eyes and felt Quinn's breath tickle her skin just a second before she felt her lips again against hers. She felt Quinn's tongue against her mouth and slowly met it with hers, tenderly sharing a deep and passionate kiss.

A little breathless, they smiled at each other. Then they settled on the couch, very close, trying to touch as much of the other woman as possible.

Quinn lifted her hands.

_Do you think men also become so mushy about their feelings and cry so much? I feel like I have been crying more in the past days than I have in my whole life._

She gave Rachel an apologetic smile.

"Hm." Rachel thought for a moment, remembering how Kurt had cried during her recount of the scene with Quinn at the Center. "Yes. I think some gay guys definitely! What made you cry so much?" Rachel wanted to know.

_Realizing how much you meant for me, Rachel, how much I need you in my life. And every time when something rings very true, when something touches my heart, it makes me cry. A sign that what I am feeling is genuine, that it comes from the purest and most honest place._

"Yes. I know about the heart. It gave me an honest talk today as well." Rachel's lips curved up in a smile. "What were you saying when we were hugging just now?" She curiously looked at Quinn.

_I said that I love you. Well, actually I said 'God you don't know how much I love you'._

The blonde answered with her hands, her face radiating all the love she could transmit.

Rachel pointed at herself, then crossed her arms in front of her chest, then pointed back at Quinn. Following that gesture, she made a fist, but with thumb and pinky extended and moved her right hand quickly from right to left.

_I love you, too._

Then she added after a moment of thoughtfulness:

 _But I do not know how all of this will work out. You are a singer on Broadway, for god's sake. How can you deal with having a deaf girlfriend? Deaf as in not being able to hear you sing or admire your performance. And girlfriend as in woman loving woman, as in same sex relationship. Have you ever thought about that? I have to admit that it rocked me a little off my feet when I realized that. Being in love with a woman, I mean,_ she clarified.

Rachel had to repeat several signs before Quinn understood what she wanted to express. Quinn pulled out a pad from her handbag, all that she had to say was a bit too complicated for her small base knowledge of ASL to explain herself appropriately.

Rachel watched Quinn lift the pen with a quizzical expression, wanting to know if it was ok for her. Quinn's consideration made it easy for Rachel to nod and she watched her take a deep breath before sharing her thoughts.

_Rachel, let us cross one bridge at a time. As for your last point, yes, I was stymied once I realized that I was in love with a woman. It was new for me and I had to come to terms with it. I never wanted to admit to that in high school, obviously. But when a friend at Yale pointed out that I was completely and head over heels in love with you, some big wheels started turning in my head. I had to get to know myself anew. Not as the classy pretty girl that one day would have a good looking husband and adorable kids. But rather a woman who fell in love with another woman. And whose love would not always be as easily accepted and looked upon, no matter how honest and strong it would be._

_There will always be people who will want to shape us after their own image, because they have a certain picture in their minds how the world should work. And there might not be room for us loving each other, not in their world._

_However, since I learned in high school how futile it was chasing after the perfect image if your heart was not in it, I just thought, why not stay true to myself and come to terms with this. It took me another couple of years and your accident to finally come fully to my senses, though._

Quinn looked up from her writing and was again fascinated by the long, dark lashes that rimmed Rachel's beautiful, large eyes. It was hard tearing herself away from them and continued writing.

_But love is love and only society's conventions make it a good or bad thing. I do not want to live by what other people tell me to do, what they think is appropriate or fitting. Not anymore._

She signed the last sentence for emphasis. _Fuck what other's think!_

"Quinn Fabray, where did you learn a sign like that!?" Rachel huffed in mock affront.

 _Carmen has a large repertoire of swear words,_ Quinn admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Well, I am not sure _I_ need to learn them!"

_How did you know it, then?_

"Uh, Carmen forced them on me. I honestly did not ask for them! Apparently she deemed it necessary to have them in my ASL vocabulary."

Quinn laughed at that and Rachel just rolled her eyes. After a short pause she came back to the topic they were discussing before.

"You know, I have learned as well that the most important thing for yourself is to follow your heart. No matter what others think. You will never be able to make everybody happy. Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.' I find this to be a very good observation and wise advice. Well … " She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. "…you have not answered the first part of my question," Rachel then stated quietly.

Just like the night before, Quinn continued pouring her heart out onto the paper in front of her, with Rachel leaning against her, reading the words that flowed out from under the pen.

 _As to the point of you being unable to hear, yes, it was a shock to me when you told me. It felt like someone pulled the floor out right from under my feet. But I also felt that whatever had happened, at that moment I had to stay. Even though I had no idea how to communicate with you and I just prayed that I could somehow manage to make you understand. That we would manage to find a basis to connect.  
_ _I am glad we did. And I believe that as long as we openly and honestly talk about this and the issues that come with it, we will manage. We will find a way to live with it. I honestly believe that love can overcome any hurdle._

 _You know, Rachel; everyone can get hurt from one moment to the other. It can happen to anyone. Believe me I know._ Quinn added with a knowing smile and Rachel knew what she was referring to _._

_I can understand why you wanted to push every one away in the beginning. I did the same after my accident. The pity was the worst. No one wanted to see me. They only saw what I had been and what I had become. But the worst part was that I did it to myself. I pitied myself the most in the beginning. Then I realized there was more to me than that. I thought a lot about what you told me on various occasions over the years.  
And all along, through all the years you had such a graceful way of looking beyond my outer shell. You saw things in me that I never recognized. So why can't you grant me the same recognition for you? _

_Don't ever think or say that you are a liability again, please, never again!_

"But how do _you_ deal with it?" Rachel interrupted. "I mean, really, isn't it hard for you that you can't call me or talk to me in a normal way? Instead we have to …" she waved her hand towards the paper on Quinn's lap "… depend on writing and learning a new language and I still have the feeling it does not help to bring everything across as one can with his or her voice." Frustration rang in her voice, but Rachel was honestly curious about how Quinn felt about this.

Quinn carefully chose her words. She had promised honesty. But honesty could also hurt. So she tried as sensibly as possible to explain to Rachel what impact her deafness had on her.

_I sometimes wish I could touch you and talk to you at the same time. When I touch you, I would like to tell you what I feel. Tell you that feeling your skin sends sparks up my fingers and makes me absolutely lose my free will. That holding you in my arms is the best feeling I have ever had. That you fit right in there, and only you, no one else. That this is what my arms were made for, just to hold you.  
But I can't tell you this while holding you because I would have to withdraw my hands and sign all these words and with this I would have to break the physical contact with you._

_You know, you might not be aware of this, but this is where you are at an advantage, Rachel._

When she noticed the incredulous look on Rachel's face, Quinn hastened to explain.

_You can still speak and express your feelings through your voice, if you choose to. I cannot do that. I, your family, your friends, we all cannot do that anymore. We need to find other means to express ourselves so you can understand. In a way, you are shut out of our world. But we are also shut out of yours. And we need to find a door to walk through those walls._

Rachel thought for a moment, contemplating that in a certain way it was not only her being compromised by her handicap, it also had more impact on other people than she had assumed.

"So my being deaf makes you mute, in a certain way."

Quinn nodded. _Yes, it does._

When the smaller woman had read these honest words, she turned her head away. Then she felt Quinn's tender hand turn her back to face her. Rachel closed her eyes, not willing to look at her friend, still digesting the observation that Quinn had relayed. There was a light tap on her hand. It was a small and tender request for her attention. Slowly she opened her lids and Quinn withdrew her hands to sign. And Rachel consciously felt what her friend had explained only minutes ago about the importance of touch. She felt robbed and immediately missed the contact when Quinn's fingers slid off her arm to speak to her.

_Rachel, don't go there._

"Go where?" She asked in a choked voice.

_To that dark place where all the doubts, insecurities and resentment lie. Don't go there._

Quinn took the pen again and placed her other hand on Rachel's thigh. They both desperately needed this physical connection. Rachel closed both hands over Quinn's fingers.

 _The only thing I am trying to say is that your accident also has an impact on the people around you who love you._ _They also need to come to terms with it. It is a "new" situation for all of us and we all need to search for ways to deal with it. Some can do it easier, but for some it will be more difficult.  
_ _As for me, I might make mistakes, but as long as we are open and honest about everything, even the hurtful things, then I think we have a chance. I need to know what you want or need me to do. And if I am being inconsiderate, please tell me._

_I know we are still groping our way through these new ways of communication but we are on a good way. Look how far we have come these past days._

_You deafness doesn't define who you are. This is only a part of you. Don't make yourself smaller than you are. And don't define yourself just by this one aspect. You are so much more!_

Quinn's gaze never left Rachel's and she laid all her love and tenderness into it.

 _And I am very proud of you and happy and relieved – god, I am crying again,_ Quinn laughed a bit embarrassed, wiping some tears away with the back of her hand. _… I am relieved that you gracefully let me pick my way into your world. That you did not push me away, that you were so patient with me, that you let me stumble - sending you that song text for example - and that you lent me a hand to help me up again._

It took a while for Rachel to digest the words; to pull herself out of her darkening mood that Quinn's earlier words had caused. As hurtful as they were, they made her understand Quinn better. She understood that this was the only way this relationship could work. They needed to communicate on this honest level. Pushing topics away would only cause a rift between them, even though it might seem easier at a certain point. Now that she could comprehend the restriction her deafness caused for Quinn, she could also see how she herself could help find ways to deal with them.

"Well, you also picked me up, Quinn. You reached out and held me up, literally. You held me in that hallway, because I would have broken down. And you literally helped me out of my pit in which I sat like a caged animal, not knowing how to escape. I was actually quite impressed with how you managed to walk up to me, being confronted with what happened and still not shy away. And you are right. We have to be open to each other and truthful. " She added with a smile. "Sooooooo, where does that leave us now?"

 _I think that leaves us at the greatest place we could be. It leaves us at the point where we have both confessed that we love each other. After a record breaking short time of six days,_ Quinn drabbled on the paper.

 _Six days and four years,_ Rachel added with her hands.

_Six days, four years plus five more, if you count the three high school years and the first two college years._

"Wow." Rachel was impressed. "That makes a total of nine years!? No way!"

She slowly moved her head from side to side, her gaze glued to Quinn's eyes.

"If we were in a TV series, fans would have abandoned us already after two years if the writers did not script us to become an item then. And we managed to dance around each other for nine fucking years in real life?"

Now it was Quinn who looked a bit stunned about Rachel's choice of words. She quirked an eyebrow at Rachel before she continued.

 _I heard the f-word, Rachel Berry. Nevertheless, you are right. We set up a record. But not in terms of short time, but rather like never-ending-story-long-time_.

This triggered a snort from the petite woman, causing Quinn to playfully tuck her hair. Then she placed the palm of her hand softly against Rachel's cheek, tenderly stroking the velvety skin with her thumb, steering them away again from the bantering.

 _I want to live by what makes us happy. I want_ us _to be happy, I want to experience real love. And that I feel I can experience with you._

"So you want us to be official girlfriends? As in dating and kissing and holding hands and all the other stuff that comes with it?" Quinn thought she heard a slight teasing note in Rachel's voice. She nodded.

 _That is what I would like us to be. Especially looking forward to the other stuff,_ Quinn laughed. _After nine years, come on! We do not have more time to waste!_

"You think? Hm, yeah. You are right. Let us give it a try and see how we both feel about…us dating. We have been going at this - or well, rather not going at this for almost a decade. God, that makes me feel old!"

Rachel laughed and kissed Quinn who was grinning like crazy which made their first official girlfriend-lover-kiss a bit awkward until they both started giggling and fell sideways on the couch. That pinned Quinn under Rachel and the former diva did not let one second go to waste to use that as her advantage. She straddled Quinn, bent forward, and placed her hands next to Quinn's head, slowly bending down until her lips almost touched Quinn's. Only to quickly move back up again a little as Quinn's head moved to meet her.

Quinn sank back with a groan. Then she reached up and placed a hand behind Rachel's neck.

"Don't make me beg!" And she pulled a chuckling Rachel down again, sharing a slow and tender kiss.

 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, since writing this story I am so much more attuned to sounds and how much we (often unconsciously) absorb though our hearing.  
> And I also noticed more how you really can feel sound. I had a really impactful experience one day some weeks ago.  
> It is the high season for carnival in our region and a lot of marching bands walk through the city on numerous occasions. It was market day and I heard them approaching from somewhere behind me. They were still quite far away, hidden by several market stands and trucks. However, the most striking thing was that even though I was wrapped up in really thick winter clothes and there were still so many obstacles between them and me, I still felt the drum beat pulsing though my hands, my feet and my chest so strongly!  
> It is just amazing what sound waves are capable of.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again and again… I do not own Glee or its characters.
> 
> This chapter is rated M, just in case.
> 
> Big thanks to Nicole for beta reading now 16 chapters, which equals round about 100 Word pages. She did a mammoth job here!

 

* * *

**Chapter 16**

Quinn stayed on Rachel's couch after falling asleep in Rachel's arms, too tired to drive back to her apartment. They cuddled together after Rachel noticed how exhausted Quinn was from her long day. She knew that the evening performances could be quite draining, especially if the audience was fully immersed into the show. That pushed any actor and singer to further heights. When the adrenaline ebbed away afterwards, it sometimes left one completely worn-out and Rachel had often only wished for her bed as soon as the make-up came off her face.

As much as she wanted to keep on kissing Quinn and exploring her body with her hands, she did want her girlfriend to get some well-deserved rest. Even though Quinn protested in the beginning, she quickly succumbed to the soothing strokes of Rachel's warm hand on her back and started purring like a cat when she felt her other hand gently massaging her scalp. Just as Rachel expected, it did not take long until she felt Quinn's body relax as sleep took over. She debated with herself to wake her up again and suggest getting into her bed or at least offer her a T-shirt to sleep in. But she did not have the heart to wake her again.

So she just felt content to hold Quinn, slowly tracing the lines of her face with a soft finger, following the contour of her jaw, up to her full lips, red from all the kissing, over her cheekbones to the gracefully arched eyebrows. Quinn's breath breeze lightly over the skin of her hand as she continued to tenderly let her fingers dance across the velvety skin of the beautiful face in front of her.

Rachel had a hard time containing all these feelings of happiness, love, joy, amazement, and wonder that raced through her. Why, so often in life, something dramatic had to happen before you realized what was really important? She pushed the question aside and snuggled closer to Quinn and let sleep take over. Not the exhausted kind of sleep, not the kind of sleep she used as an escape from reality. Right now, she began to like her reality. It was a content kind of sleep, the kind of sleep where you drift off with a smile and wake up with one on your face.

Sometime during the night, Rachel's arm had fallen asleep and when she moved it woke her up with a thousand needles pricking her skin. Carefully she disentangled her limbs from the sleeping woman next to her. With a smile, she placed a tender kiss on her head, slowly got up and lovingly placed a blanket over Quinn. The couch was comfortable, but a bit too small for two people to sleep on it without at least one of them getting the cramps. Rachel left Quinn heavy heartedly and crawled into her bed, feeling a bit guilty to have abandoned her girlfriend on the couch. Well, maybe she could make it up to her with a very nice breakfast.

…..

The next morning Quinn woke up to unfamiliar noises. When she slowly opened her eyes, it took her a second to remember where she was. Then she caught a movement in the kitchen and watched Rachel carefully taking out two plates and cups from the cupboard, placing them slowly on the counter, making a cute face of concentration while trying to put them down without any noise. Quinn watched her move around the kitchen from under her lashes, finding it very endearing how Rachel was trying to not wake her up.

Quinn closed her eyes again and just listened to Rachel move around. The smell of fresh coffee drifted over and tickled her nose. Then she heard bare feet pad across the floor towards her. A rustling of clothes next to her told her that Rachel sat down on the couch table, facing her.

"Hey, sleepyhead!"

When she did not stir, Rachel bent down and whispered in Quinn's ear: "I know you are awake. I saw you watching me earlier on." And with that she nipped at Quinn's earlobe before sitting up again. She had placed a hand lightly on the other woman's chest so the little moan her bold action had caused did not escape her.

"Hmmmm, good morning." Quinn mumbled after inhaling the coffee aroma and that of her girlfriend's shampoo. She stretched her arms over her head and let out a content sigh. Then she opened her eyes and found Rachel smiling at her. She grabbed the tanned arm that was still on her chest, turned it slightly, and pointedly looked at Rachel's bare wrist.

"It's 8.30. So you actually still have one and a half hours before our official breakfast date." Rachel's white teeth flashed as she grinned at her.

_Good. That gives me 90 minutes of kissing and weighing you._

" _Weighing_ me, Quinn? Am I too heavy for you already?" The arched eyebrow and the challenging look caused Quinn to gaze at her own hands, wondering how they came up with such an unfitting word.

_Sorry. Wrong sign. Not awake yet._

Quinn searched for the correct sign for 'hold'. Somehow, her brain cells were not on alert yet.

Rachel's chuckle eased her worries a bit. "Here, have some coffee first, then a kiss and then you can also get your hands sorted."

When Quinn had propped herself up on her elbows, Rachel offered her a coffee mug with a NYADA logo imprinted on the front. Gratefully the blond woman reached out and took the cup, taking a tentative sip. Perfect. Now the day could officially begin. Well, just one little thing to do before that. She sat up, placed the cup on the table, and pulled Rachel close, planting a very sweet, coffee tasting kiss on her full lips.

"Hmmmm, good," Rachel smiled against Quinn's lips and kissed her right back.

Before starting to eat their breakfast, Quinn asked if she could quickly freshen up first, since she had slept in her clothes from the day before. She felt a bit embarrassed about that. Not the best way to start a day and impress her new girlfriend with her day old make-up which was probably smeared across her face, and wearing rumpled clothes that once looked pretty on her when they came nicely ironed out of her closet. Quinn tried to smooth some of the wrinkles out of her skirt and then tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear, noticing a slightly amused Rachel observing her futile efforts.

"I have already laid out some towels and clothes that I think might fit you. And a tooth brush. I still had one in reserve."

_That a hint, Miss Berry?_

"No, just loving and tender care, Miss Fabray. C'mon, get going, so we can have breakfast. I'm…" Rachel had a slightly surprised look on her face. "I am actually hungry," she then stated as if that was something completely new to her.

_You said I still have one and a half hours,_ Quinn pouted.

"Yes I did. But that was before you wanted to weigh me -" she smirked at that "- and since you are already standing, just move. Oh and by the way, _you_ –" and she pointed at her for emphasize "- were laying on top of me, most of the night. So if someone were aloud to speak about weight, it should be me!" She mocked good-naturedly.

Quinn just threw her a disgruntled look, but could not hide her good mood behind it. Laughing she stole a quick kiss from Rachel and ambled over to the bathroom.

Rachel absolutely loved the light banter between them, even though every sentence was still an effort for Quinn to sign, but she did not let herself be deterred from it. These little teasers going back and forth gave Rachel the possibility to scratch on the surface of normality.

Temptation was tapping on her shoulder, urging her to follow Quinn into the shower. Or at least to sneak in and peek at her naked girlfriend. With superhuman efforts, she turned back to the kitchen and busied herself with preparing the rest of the breakfast.

When she was squeezing oranges for fresh juice, she suddenly felt two arms sneak around her from behind and she involuntarily let out a yelp, spinning around.

"Don't do that, please. Don't sneak up on me like that. That scared the hell out of me, Quinn," She exclaimed, one hand on her heart.

Rachel tried to not sound angry or irritated, even though the jolt had almost given her a cardiac arrest. Taking two deep breaths to calm her galloping heart, she looked at Quinn who already had a stricken expression on her face.

_I am truly sorry I startled you like that._ _I thought you saw me coming._ _I … I guess I should have made myself known before hugging you._ _God, I am really sorry, Rachel._

Quinn did not know why she had not considered this a tiny bit earlier before scaring the bejesus out of her girlfriend.

"It's ok." Then the corners of Rachel's mouth lifted slowly after she had gotten over the initial shock. "But you can leave your arms where they were," and she wiggled closer to Quinn, snuggling into her embrace once more, hoping that little incident would be forgotten and not leave the blond woman feeling self-conscious about it.

Rachel inhaled the scent of her own shampoo that still lingered in Quinn's hair.

"You look cute in my sweat pants. I am glad the sweater fits as well."

Quinn could not resist. _Well, at least it does not have reindeers printed on it._

"Huh, that was a loooong time ago. I have already renounced animal sweaters six years ago." Rachel answered indignantly.

Then both burst out laughing, imagining Rachel on stage with one of her favorite high school garments. The key word 'high school' moved the topic to Kurt.

They settled down at the kitchen counter to enjoy their breakfast. Rachel told Quinn about her Saturday evening with Kurt and about his and Blaine's marriage plans. However, she carefully omitted her brush with the piano, not feeling ready to touch upon this again. Not because of Quinn, but because she herself was not ready to think about it yet.

_I am so happy for Kurt and Blaine! I bet Kurt has already planned everything down to the last detail!_

"Well, pretty close," Rachel admitted laughing.

Quinn was happy that Rachel had ventured out and had met her old school friend.

"Oh, and you know what? It is really incredible, but he also learned ASL. All this time that I did not want to have any contact, he still took lessons. In case, I would come around and wanted to meet him again. He wanted to be ready and able to communicate with me." Rachel's eyes were wide in wonder relaying this information to Quinn..

_That is so sweet of him! I am really, really happy, Rachel, that you have rekindled your friendship. Kurt truly is a very good friend._

"Yes, he is. And I am very grateful to have him also back in my life. Just like you," she added with a shy smile and placed a hand on Quinn's knee.

_Did you tell him about us?_

"Yes. That was actually the first thing I told him. I… I hope that is ok. I just… needed someone to talk to about everything that had happened and …"

She felt Quinn's hand on her arm.

_It's ok, Rachel. I understand. I have to admit I also talked to a friend about us. Her name is Jenna and I have known her since my second year in Yale. She sort of was the first one to push my nose right at the fact that I was in love with you._ Quinn smiled sheepishly.

"Aha, Jenna seems to be a very smart woman!"

_Yes, that she is, and very observant. You know, I miss Kurt in a way. I would really like to meet him again one day._

She wasn't pressing on the date, knowing it was Rachel's call to reinforce her friendship with him first, especially under the current circumstances. Rachel needed friends. She needed to get out of her isolation and again, Quinn was so glad that her girlfriend managed to do just that. Her thoughts wandered back to last night.

Sharing a moment of silence, Rachel studied Quinn's face attentively.

The blond actress placed her toast back on the plate. Then she turned her palms up, with a quizzical expression. _What?_

"Don't know. I have a feeling there is something on your mind."

True. There were still so many questions burning in Quinn's mind and she wondered, if it was the right time to ask them. Since Rachel had already thrown the ball into her court, she came forward.

_Rachel, I would like to ask some questions. You don't have to answer them, if you don't want to. There are a couple of things I keep wondering about after our conversation last night._

The brown eyes with incredulous long, black lashes locked with hers. Then Rachel gracefully inclined her head.

"Okaaay," she drew out the word, guessing in which direction this conversation would head. "What would you like to know?"

Quinn found the courage to ask:

_You still have music on your computer?_

Rachel nodded twice very slowly. Even though this was not really a question and the answer was obvious after playing that song the night before, she knew the actual intention behind the question.

Rachel tilted her head to one side and let her gaze roam across the room before settling on Quinn's features.

"It's like with New York. I could not bring myself to delete the music just as much as I couldn't leave the city. I have packed everything else, my stereo, my CD's and my sheet music into boxes and I shoved them with my dads out of the front door. But when I sat in front of my laptop… I just couldn't click on 'delete'. Like how I could not delete the music inside of me. I guess…. I guess I still like to believe… " Her voice trailed off.

Rachel's answer brought up another question. Quinn was still moved by the words that had burned into her mind the night before.

_And you really would have traded your voice for me if you had to?_

_Yes. I guess, in a way I have._ Rachel answered signing with a slight smile, instinctively knowing that this was not the end of the question and answer session initiated by Quinn. She would patiently try to answer all the questions she had, if it helped to strengthen their understanding and trust of and for each other. She felt Quinn place a warm hand on her cheek, before the next question was formed into the air by her girlfriend's graceful hands.

_How was it when you woke up and noticed that you could not hear anymore?_

Rachel was quiet for a moment, collecting her thoughts.

"You know, when I woke up, I still heard something. I mean nothing that came from … the outside. There were just all these noises in my head, so loud, it drove me crazy. I could not hear what was going on around me, but there was this ringing and humming that would not stop, no matter what I did."

It was visibly very distressing for Rachel to conjure up these memories and Quinn regretted ever asking that question. However, she immensely appreciated that Rachel trusted her enough to take the pains and share her experience.

"I started screaming at one point because I could not take it anymore, somehow illogically hoping that hearing my own screams would at least drown out the cacophony inside. All that was left of my life was this constant and maddening uproar in my head. For a long time I could not sleep, the noise would keep me awake. And due to vertigo I could not get out of bed much. It was really bad in the beginning, I felt like a prisoner in my own body. And as soon as I closed my eyes I was completely isolated. There was nothing left to tie me to my surroundings. Every time I closed my eyes, the world was gone. No other means of connecting. That was really scaring me. Still is. I feel vulnerable at night. On one hand sleep was bliss, because I could forget. But on the other hand, it is frightening to know that I have no means of knowing what goes on around me once I close my eyes or fall asleep. Most times I sleep with the lights on. Just so when I wake up I can immediately take in my surroundings."

Quinn linked her fingers with one of Rachel's hands and pressed a kiss to the back of it, providing a much needed bond, thus silently acknowledging that she understood. She did not want to let go of Rachel's hand, so she used the pad that lay on the counter surface and scribbled her next question down. With just one free hand, the paper kept moving and Rachel reached out to steady it for her. Her eyes skipped over the words that were rolling out from under the pen.

_Do you still hear the noises? How did you cope then? Was there anything the doctors could do about it?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. The problem was that all these noises are amplified by the brain. A sort of overreaction to the missing outside stimulation. There is nothing the doctors could do about it. They gave me sedatives so that I could at least try to get some rest at night, I was so exhausted, and there was still the pain from my other head injuries. They told me the sounds would get less over time, or that at least I would somehow get used to them." She shrugged. "Whatever."

Rachel paused for a moment.

"I don't know how many times I had prayed for the roar in my head to stop, I did not understand why I would have to endure such horrible _racket_ in my head when I could not hear. It almost drove me crazy combined with the exhaustion, the vertigo, the pain. Sometimes I would slowly rock myself back and forth, repeating over and over 'please make it stop, please make it stop'. When finally everything went silent in my head, it felt like bliss. I woke up one morning and the noises were gone. I hoped this would maybe mean I could then hear more of what was going on around me. But that wasn't the case. Everything else stayed silent."

Quinn rose from her chair, hugged Rachel gently, and placed a kiss on her temple. _You still had to heal then, and even now, your body needs more time to repair itself after your last operation. I know it is easy for me to say. I only have a small taste of what it must be like for you._

Rachel threw her a soft smile

"You know, " she continued with a small voice, " I feel so cut off from the world. As soon as there are two people in the room with me, I am lost. I don't know what they are saying and I don't want to ask them to explain all the time. And you have noticed yourself, writing or signing somehow can only transmit half of the emotions that a voice can carry. This is the worst; I am cut off from the emotions. Cut off from people. Expressing myself through singing and music, yes, that was one part. But there is still so much more going on beyond the spoken words, I never realized that this gives you more knowledge about what is being said than the actual content of the words."

She fiddled with the handle of her coffee cup and out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Quinn nod.

Quinn did not dare interrupt; it warmed her heart that Rachel shared so much insight with her even though it clearly was not easy to talk about these experiences and what impact they had on her daily life. She had the feeling that Rachel had not told anyone these things before and it touched her very deeply inside her heart that she seemed to trust Quinn enough to share them with her.

_How is it for you when you are outside?_

"The orientation is more difficult. I did not notice how much we subconsciously rely on our hearing to orient us. To hear someone approaching, to judge distances of moving objects. I have troubles judging how fast a car is coming at me when I want to cross the street, because apparently I also judged its speed by the changing of the sound as it came nearer. People moving around me on the street, suddenly they just materialize at my side or in front of me and I have no way of anticipating their appearance. It is so exhausting. This is why I chose to stay by myself. Being around people when you are deaf can be very draining and confusing. This was why I did not want to stay in contact with anyone. But I did not count on how tenacious my friends could be to find ways to talk to me," she added with a small smile.

A guilty look appeared on Quinn's face, her thoughts still lingering on what Rachel had just told her about not being able to judge from where people approached her.

_I am really sorry about this morning. I just did not think._

"Quinn, stop feeling bad about this, we are entitled to make mistakes. As long as we explain why something might hurt us, we can learn from them."

_Ok. I will try._ After a second she added: _You know, I am glad we gave each other a chance, Rachel. Otherwise, we would have missed all this._

"What 'this'?" Rachel asked, innocently beating her eyelashes.

"This!" And Quinn leaned forward, gently placing her right hand over Rachel's heart and kissing her soft lips, very slowly, very tenderly, almost not touching, making it so much more exciting. She heard Rachel's breath coming in short gasps and her pulse quickened. Again their lips barely connected, both women getting more and more aroused by their slow teasing game.

Every time their lips connected, one of the women would draw back a little, inviting the other to follow her, only to reverse the game. At one point Rachel nipped again at Quinn's earlobe, ever so softly, hardly touching, letting her breath tickle the tiny, soft hairs on Quinn's creamy skin. She felt Quinn tense under her hands, which encouraged her to continue. Softly she placed a kiss on the spot behind her left jaw, just below her ear. Rachel felt Quinn shudder under her tender touch. She trailed her kisses down her long, elegant neck, pulling a bit on the sweater until it revealed a delicate collarbone, which she used as a basis for another shower of gentle caresses with her lips.

She slowly worked her way back up, meeting again with Quinn's mouth who eagerly claimed her. She felt the other woman's tongue probe her lips and she conceded to her request.

Quinn could not help it, but when Rachel's lips trailed down her skin, she could not hold back the little moans and whimpers the soft touches caused to escape from her lips. Rachel's breath tickled her skin and raised the little hairs on her arms, sending a shower down her spine.

She had to hold back to not claim the petite woman right then and there. On one hand, their relationship was still so fresh, so tender and fragile, on the other, finally releasing all those feelings after nine years made it hard to suppress her arousal.

Quinn felt Rachel press her body against hers and she slid off the bar stool, grabbing her girlfriend's legs. Rachel moved in sync and jumped up a little, wrapping her legs around the former cheerleader's waist, linking her arms behind her neck.

Slowly Quinn maneuvered towards the couch when Rachel's breathless voice reached her ear, barely audible over pulse pounding in them.

"Un uh, too uncomfortable. Bed." Was all she managed before nipping at the blond woman's lower lip.

Quinn turned and effortlessly carried Rachel down the small hallway into the other room where both women collapsed breathlessly on the bed. Rachel's shiny locks spread out under her head. Quinn leaned over her, much as Rachel had done the evening before and in Quinn's eyes, she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. The color of her eyes revealed a warm tone as she looked at Rachel and Quinn was mesmerized by the numerous shades of brown her eyes could take on. She was so lost in her observation that she did not hear Rachel address her.

Only when Rachel shook her slightly by the shoulder, Quinn's attention zoomed back. She blinked and then smiled.

"Where were you just now?"

_Lost in your eyes,_ Quinn intended to sign with one hand while balancing on the other, trying not to fall on the smaller woman underneath her.

Rachel laughed. "What's with my eyes? Never mind." And she gently pulled her down until she lay on top of her. Quinn tried to position her hands so she could repeat her answer, but Rachel interrupted her.

"It's ok, Quinn," she stated gently and moved her own hands under Quinn's sweater. Her hands explored the soft skin and the well-toned muscles of her back along the spine. Years of cheerleading practice and dancing had helped shape Quinn's body to perfection. At least that was what Rachel thought. Slowly her fingers crept down her sides, trailing over the soft swelling of her lover's breast, which protruded slightly from under her causing Quinn to let out an involuntary groan. Rachel felt the heat shoot between her legs and she wrapped one leg around Quinn who started grinding her lower body against Rachel's.

Both began moving in a rhythm, panting and kissing. Rachel felt Quinn's hand sneak under her shirt, swirling a finger around the nipple of her right breast, which instantly reacted against the touch. Again, a rush of heat surged through her stomach down to her most sensible part.

Rachel was amazed how touching Quinn and how being touched by her caused her body to overload. She had never felt such desire and deep love before. With none of her lovers. Something had always been missing, something to push her over the edge to get completely lost in this exploration of bodies, evoking a longing that it almost hurt.

Rachel tugged at Quinn's sweater, signaling her to take it off, and Quinn obediently obliged. The sweater landed in a heap on the floor, with sweatpants that followed. Not long after, Rachel's shirt joined the company. Rachel's jeans had to stay by itself as it unfortunately landed on the other side of the bed, leaving both women solely clad in their underwear which was discarded just as quickly.

Rachel let her eyes roam over Quinn's slender, but athletic body, her hands following the trail of her eyes. She could not cover enough skin at once and started using her lips as well to discover the perfect body in front of her, feeling, tasting and wanting.

Quinn wound herself under Rachel's touch, trying to control the shivers her caresses caused from racing down her spine. She failed. The more Rachel touched her, the stronger the desire burned. Finally, she straddled Rachel's thigh, pressing her own against the other woman's juncture between her legs.

They took up their former rhythm until both women felt the orgasm surge through them. Quinn reached her climax first, whimpering, pressing harder down on Rachel's thigh, and through her haze she felt her lover tense as well, letting out a groan, gripping Quinn's upper arms, holding tight as the she rode on the wave that crashed through her body.

Panting and breathing hard, Quinn collapsed next to Rachel, pressing her body close against hers, placing a soft kiss on her lover's lips. She still felt the throbbing between her legs, but was too mesmerized by Rachel's expression to pay any further attention to it.

Rachel had her head slightly turned towards her, gazing at her from under her lashes, her cheeks flushed and her dark locks tousled, a strand falling over her shoulder, its tip almost licking at her breast. There was a glow cast over her features and when she looked up to gaze directly into her own eyes, Quinn was completely lost again. God, this was perfection laying right there in her arms.

"I love you. I love you. I love you so much, Rachel," Quinn shook her head at a loss for words to express this feeling of absolute belonging that raced through her. Tears sprang to her eyes as she bent down and very softly kissed Rachel.

"I love you, too, Quinn Fabray. With all my heart. I have always loved you and will always love you." Rachel answered, having read the words from Quinn's lips and she cupped Quinn's face, tenderly wiping the tears away, only to notice that she herself was crying.

That made both women laugh. "Look at us bawling again. I have to correct my statement from yesterday. I don't think even gay guys cry that much." She saw Quinn's face break into a smile and felt her chuckle against her body.

Then she remembered Quinn's beautiful words about how something that touched her inner truth, always made her cry.

"I guess, we both have just felt the truth of our hearts, Quinn. They showed us that we belong right where we are."

Quinn pressed her lips together, desperately trying to stop the flow of tears, but they would not obey and just kept falling harder after hearing Rachel's voice form those words.

Rachel pulled Quinn closer and placed her head on her chest, holding her tight, whispering soothing words, while softly stroking her back.

Quinn did not understand why she had to cry and why she could not stop, the sobs coming stronger and stronger until they rocked her whole body. The thought that she could have almost lost Rachel, first though her own actions, then through that horrible accident, made her cling to that small form beside her and somehow Rachel seemed to understand.

She felt Rachel's arms around her, her soft and beautiful voice enveloped her and knew that this was the safest place she could ever be. This was her sanctuary, her haven.

"Quinn, I am here, I won't leave. I am here, everything is ok." Rachel kept repeating those words over and over until Quinn felt her sobs die down, leaving her to take shuddering breaths while trying to compose herself again.

Then she looked up with shining eyes, trying a brave smile. "Thank you," she whispered.

Slowly Rachel brushed a blond strand out of Quinn's face, tugging it behind her ear.

"Quinn, you gave me your heart. That is the most precious thing one can offer. _You_ don't have to thank me. _I_ have to thank you and I promise that I will treasure and protect this gift with all my might."

And they held each other for a very long time in a tight embrace.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you are wondering, why I keep updating so many chapters... I have basically written 37 of them already. So there is a lot more to come, if you would like to stick with it. 
> 
> Just to be on the save side, I rate this chapter M. 
> 
> Glee is not my own, Quinn, Rachel and the rest of the official Glee characters also do not belong to me.  
> … I am slowly but surely running out of different ways to write this disclaimer …
> 
> Thank you for following my story so far!

**Chapter 17**

Quinn had to leave Rachel on that Sunday a little after lunchtime to get ready for her afternoon show. Unfortunately, she also had a very busy schedule the following week. She had to prepare and rehearse for a special concert performance in addition to the usual schedule of her musical. This left her and Rachel in the unsatisfied situation of missing each other unbearably, because they were not able to spend much time together.

However, neither Quinn nor Rachel could go through the day without having any kind of contact. Preferably, physical skin-to-skin contact, but text messages or a Skype conversation had to suffice for the time being. That was especially hard for Rachel, since for her, physical contact had also become a very important means to connect and communicate with Quinn. It did not compensate her loss of hearing, but at least it provided the possibility to bond on another level with her. Texting or Skyping robbed Rachel of an important emotional layer. For her, this way of communicating was only two-dimensional, whereas having Quinn sitting in front of her, holding her, touching her, gave her a complete three-dimensional picture. This way she had at least the chance to pick up vibes, thoughts, and feelings consciously and unconsciously emitted through her lover's body language.

Quinn could at least listen to her voice when they were talking to make up for the missing physical nearness. That advantage eluded Rachel.

The following Monday passed by in a blur for Quinn, in the evening she could hardly hold her eyes open to Skype with Rachel. Seeing her beautiful, brown-haired girlfriend on the other side of the screen, gave her back some energy though. She managed to tickle a laugh out of Rachel with her tale of a small but funny misfortune one of her cast members experienced when his costume caught fire. Luckily, no one was hurt.

Rachel remembered a similar story and recounted it, totally surprising Quinn with it. It was the first time she ever mentioned something from her time on Broadway. And it was a really comical story which caused Quinn to laugh out loud until she had to catch her breath. Rachel had to laugh with her which perked both their spirits up a bit. Though as the excitement ebbed away, the actress noticed her exhaustion coming back full force.

Even though Rachel persisted after a while that Quinn used the chat window to type and not bother with ASL, Quinn would not hear anything of it. Only when Rachel had to ask for the third time what Quinn was trying to tell her, she succumbed, even though she could not fight the feeling that she was disappointing Rachel. And Rachel on the other hand somehow missed seeing the slender hands form the words for her. The conversation took on a static atmosphere. Rachel watched Quinn type her answers and somehow this was even less personal than when they were conversing via paper and pencil.

It was not satisfying for either of them. They soon bade their good nights, throwing some kisses through the line until finally logging off, both feeling a bit unhappy and sad.

As if they were out of sync somehow.

Tuesday dragged along and even though Quinn had to run from one appointment to the next, she felt like time stood still when it came to wishing it were already Friday so she could have a breather and some quality time with Rachel. The whole week seemed to stretch out in front of her and she desperately tried to rake her brain how to shorten the time until she could _really_ see her girlfriend again.

She grabbed her phone when she was in a cab driving from the theater to the concert hall on the other side of the city for the next run through of their song list. Her fingers flew over the keys.

_Hey beautiful, how are you? I was just thinking of you (as I did for the past 1000 moments)_  
and wanted to send you some love through the line! Love you! miss you!  
Quinn

One minute later, another message followed the previous one.

_Still missing you. Very. Horribly. Crazily. Can I take a shirt from you next time I have  
to leave you? _

Another moment later: _Is that creepy?_

Impatiently, she waited for an answer from Rachel, only then remembering that she was in her ASL class. Quinn had to reschedule hers to the afternoons and even then was only able to take two lessons that week, which annoyed her immensely.

For the first time since the start of her career as a singer, she felt that her life was scheduled and steered by everyone around her but herself. It had not disturbed her much all these past years. That was just the way it was in this line of business. If you wanted to succeed, you had to make yourself available. And that meant being on call twentyfour-seven for any opportunity that arose, at least in the beginning until you had managed to establish yourself and were recognized by the critics and decision makers.

There was nothing wrong with having this additional concert scheduled per se. Quinn actually was quite excited about the extra opportunity as it gave her further exposure and another leverage for her career. However, she was so not looking forward to this next session momentarily. Now that she had a large part of her heart facing another direction, it was hard to follow the usual business routine. It was not that she did not love her profession anymore. It just was not the sole reason Quinn lived for anymore.

The other "reason" that caused Quinn to wake up with a smile on her face every day of the past week finally managed to send an answer to her previous text messages.

_It's not creepy. As long as you don't want any used underwear, I guess I can spare one of my shirts :-)._  
Miss you too. Feels like I haven't seen you in weeks. Is it really only one and a half days?  
R U already at the concert rehearsal?

Quinn sent an immediate answer back.

_On my way there. How long will you be awake tonite? Can I call you on Skype?_

_I'll stay awake until you call, Quinn :-). Hope the rehearsal goes well!  
R._

Quinn's phone buzzed again just after she read the last message.

_I want something from you, too! You choose what would best console me in your absence.  
Rachel, (pouting and grumpy)_

Quinn chuckled as she typed her answer. _  
_

I _would be best to console you! Wish I could clone myself. Next time I'll leave something of me with you!  
Well, actually you already have my heart. Now I really have to think hard on what else I can give you :-). Gotta go. Talk to you later! _

Then she quickly sent another message on its way.

_Ugh, this is so absurd. I want to be with you! Now! I want to see you, feel you, hear you, love you!_  
Instead I am sitting in a cab driving in the opposite direction. Life is not fair.  
Quinn, also pouting and being grumpy. Let's found "Grumpy-Club" :-)

_Haha Quinn, let's do! We'll be Grumpy Old Women! We can join Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon._  
Or we will be like Waldorf and Statler from the Muppet show.  
R.

_I'd rather be Miss Piggy and Kermit, at least they got to kiss once :-). Talk to you later!_  
Big hug!  
Q. 

With a heavy heart, she bagged her phone and exited the cab after paying the fare. She had to find a way to get some hours off this week to see Rachel. After some haggling with her musical director and applying a small white lie about a family emergency, she managed to reschedule her rehearsal from Thursday night to Friday morning, as there was only a run through of two of her songs arranged without the other singers. So she actually managed to arrange some free time.

Gleefully, her mind already set to plan on how to surprise Rachel. Oh, she would be so happy if she showed up at her doorstep and spend the whole evening with her. Maybe they could cook something together – and actually eat it.

Quinn rushed through her rehearsal and even though her mind kept wandering to the upcoming Thursday, she seemed to have satisfied her director since he let her and the other musicians go home half an hour early.

Quinn rushed out of the building and jumped in the next best cab that passed by.

….

Rachel sat in front of her computer and waited for the little Skype signal to blink. She willed it from its static existence to indicate that someone was calling, and that someone not being one of her dads. However, as hard as she stared at it, nothing happened.

She calculated the hours of how long Quinn would probably be busy and how long it would take her to get home. Well, then she would probably want to take a shower, maybe also eat something…

"Ugh," Rachel jumped up and was disgusted with herself for being so needy. She had more time to spare and for her it was a bit frustrating having to share Quinn with other people, namely Broadway staff and Carmen. And she guessed that Quinn would also want to see the one or other friend besides her in the near future.

Why was it so damn hard not being with her, not seeing her, not talking to her? She turned back to her laptop. Still no call.

Then Rachel noted out of the corner of her eyes that the light above the entrance started flashing. Eagerly she opened the door and her face fell.

_Dad?_ Instinctively her hands started talking while her voice stayed mute. _What are you doing here?_

Hiram hugged his daughter after stepping inside and dropping a small bag by the door.

_I was here on a spontaneous business trip and the last flight back was canceled. I have a room in a hotel close by, but I wanted to say hello quickly. I saw the light was still on, so I figured you'd still be awake._

It was not so easy to understand what her dad was saying. He paused a lot between the words. But Rachel managed to piece together the main message of what he was trying to tell her. Rachel nodded as a reaction to his last statement.

She was torn between being happy to see her dad and the need to get back to her laptop. She just could not miss Quinn's call. Not being able to hear the chime, she would have to turn around and keep an eye on the screen, which was on the other hand very impolite towards her dad.

Hiram seemed to sense her tension.

_Are you ok? Am I disturbing?_

Compared to Quinn's signing, Hiram's was a bit clumsier. And compared to the short time Quinn had to learn, she found it hard not to be disappointed again at the lack of her parent's effort. Even one of her friends had decided to learn her language without even knowing if he would ever have the possibility to use it with her. Was she being unfair? But after learning how much consideration Quinn had Kurt had shown her she was a bit spoiled.

Finally she came around to answer her dad's question.

_No. I … I am waiting for a call._

_Have you heard from Quinn again?_ He formed the next question with his hands. _  
_

Rachel was surprised how quickly her dad made the connection. Or was it just a coincidence?

She desperately tried to not look too guilty. She had not told her dads about their relationship yet. And that was nothing she would want to do in passing. She needed to sit down with them in order to explain what had happened between her and Quinn.

Thinking about Quinn made her smile again.

Hiram noticed the change in his daughter. Just like last time when he saw her through the computer camera, there was something different about her. Rachel seemed happier, not as brooding and depressed anymore. Mentioning Quinn made her eyes sparkle. It was as if a light had been switched on.

Rachel noticed that she had not answered her dad's question yet.

_Yes, I have. It's a long story, but we are…._ _staying in contact,_ she lamely explained, trying to get the pictures out of her mind where 'contact' meant more than writing messages or Skyping. She thought of lip contact, skin contact, any physical contact. And there were definitely no clothes in those pictures either.

She threw a quick glance at the computer. Just then her mobile lit up. Quickly she grabbed it, opening the text message, completely forgetting her dad still standing by the door.

_Hey Sweet! I am just on my way back. Please forgive me, I will not be able to call you tonite._  
Please forgive me. I am completely wasted, have to try to stay awake in the cab.  
Quinn, who loves you so incredibly much feeling very lonely and lost not talking to you today. 

Utterly disappointed, Rachel typed a quick answer. She had to work hard not to let her face show all the emotions that raced through her.

_Sure. Sleep tight! Have a good rest and talk to you in the morning.  
Love you, too._

She pressed send and tried to ignore the pang in her heart and the little doubts crawling up her spine. No, Quinn was just incredibly busy and she could understand that after such a schedule, bed was the only thing that she needed.

Still, one little talk? A minute would have been enough. Well, not really. But compared to this text message, anything would have been better. She could not shake her disappointment off; it sank deep into her stomach. They had not seen each other for two days now and today they did not even have the possibility to talk. Rachel fought the urge to send another message, writing what she really felt. That would leave Quinn probably just feeling guilty and that was not what Rachel wanted either.

An arm wrapping around her shoulder made her jump.

"Jesus, dad, why do you keep doing this? Why is it so hard for you and daddy to just show some consideration? Can't you just once imagine how it must be for me not being able to hear you approaching and suddenly being grabbed from behind?" She shouted at Hiram who was taken aback by the vehement reaction of his daughter.

She had rarely raised her voice and shouted at either one of them for as long as he could think back. But ever since the accident he had the feeling that their close bond had raptured. He had no idea how to approach her anymore, how to comfort her, what to do to show her they cared, that they still loved her. The more they tried the harder she pushed them away.

Rachel saw the hurt in her dad's eyes and felt a little guilty.

_Sorry, I should not have shouted at you._ She sighed, looking at her own hands, then dropped them.

"I think we need to talk about some things. Only… tonight is not such a good time. I'll come home for Hanukkah, I promise. Then we can sit down and discuss a few things, okay?" She tried to plaster an honest smile on her face for Hiram's benefit.

It did ease the worry on his face a little, but she could see in his eyes that there was a deeper hurt and confusion, which could not be charmed away so easily. Nevertheless, he gave in.

_All right, Rachel. I worry about you, I care about you. Please don't take that the wrong way. I am just trying. So is Leroy._

' _Try harder,'_ Rachel thought but did not say it. She did not know why her parent's behavior irritated her so much. Why couldn't they be as thoughtful around her as Quinn? Because Quinn was an exception. A special and precious gift that had been bestowed upon her. She let out a deep breath. She really needed to sit down with her dads and have an honest talk. It was not fair to shut them out, keep them at arm's length, and then expect them to understand her as much as Quinn did. They did not even know half of the things, experiences, and feelings that she had shared with her former high school friend over the past days.

Her resolve softened. She stepped closer and gave her dad a hug.

"Dad, we really need to talk. I know I have not let on to my feelings lately, which made it not easy for you both to understand me and what the whole situation did to me. Please be a little more patient with me, ok?" Rachel leaned back to look into his eyes.

He had noticed that while all these past months she would not utter a single word in their presence, she had graced him twice with her voice that evening, and that touched him dearly.

"Dad, I am ok, really." She smiled, this time genuinely.

Hiram hugged her back, then withdrew.

_Ok, pumpkin. Let us know when you will be home._

He stroke tenderly over her hair. _I am glad that you are better. You look better. There is some light back in your eyes,_ he signed and smiled. _Thank you for speaking to me. It was nice to hear your voice again. Take care and call us, promise?_

"Promise!"

She kissed him on the cheek and walked him to the door. She opened it for him, stepping back. When he did not walk out, she peeked around the door and saw an astonished Quinn standing in her doorway, her hand still hovering over the bell.

Her dad looked just as surprised.

Quinn threw Rachel a quick glance before focusing on the man in front of her, remembering her manners.

"Good evening, Mr. Berry. I am sorry, I … I did not want to interrupt. I didn't know Rachel had company." For Rachel's benefit, she accompanied her words with signs.

"Quinn, what a surprise to see you! You are not interrupting," he looked at Rachel to gauge her reaction towards her visitor, before continuing: "I was just leaving. Well, have a nice evening the two of you!"

When it was clear that he would not interpret his words, Quinn jumped in and interpreted his words for Rachel as well, who gave her a thankful look. Rachel wondered why it was so hard for him to grasp that even if he was not talking to her directly, she would still want to know what was being said. Hiram noticed his laps and apologized. However, the look that the two women exchanged did not escape him. Something was definitely in the air. He could not quite grasp it yet, but something had changed. With a final look at this daughter and a smile at Quinn, he left.

The door had not yet fully closed when Quinn held Rachel in her arms and greedily claimed her lover's lips and the smaller woman was just as eagerly answering her advance, letting escape a little moan. She pressed her body against Quinn's, wrapping her arms around her waist.

Quinn started when the doorbell rang and her reaction made Rachel jump as well. Then the brunette saw the light flicker.

"Oh, maybe dad forgot something."

She opened the door and indeed Hiram stood in the doorway again. Rachel tried to keep the blush out of her face. It was almost like being caught in flagrante. Hiram rummaged in his bag and then pulled out a letter, handing the paper to Rachel.

With a questioning look she stretched out her hand and took the already open envelop.

"You opened it?"

_It was addressed to me. Apparently Dr. Brenneman's office could not reach you._

Glancing at the sender envelope, Rachel then averted her eyes and stuck the letter behind a plant pot that was on the shelf behind her. She did not even spare it a second glance. Two more envelopes of the same size peeked out from behind the plant. Hiram followed his daughter's movement with his eyes, instantly guessing what the other two letters were.

_Rachel, why haven't you gone to see Dr. Brenneman? Why have you not answered to his letters? Please, make an appointment for a check-up._ He looked at her sincerely. _You never know._

_Yes. I do know. What's the point?_ With great emphasis, she signed the next four words. _I still can't hear._

Rachel then jutted her chin out, not looking at her dad or Quinn, who had watched the exchange with unease. She was not sure if she had read Hiram's signs correctly, but in any case the topic seemed to make Rachel extremely uneasy.

Hiram nodded slightly. As hard as it was for him to accept this; it was his daughter's choice in the end. And he knew, if she did not want to do something, you could not make her do it. It had always been like that. Even as a little girl, she could display a stubbornness that was stronger than the great wall of China.

After one last worried look, he squeezed her hand, collected his bag, and with a little wave disappeared down the hallway.

Quinn threw a concerned look at Rachel who still would not look her in the eyes. She stepped in front of her and bent down a little, cocking her head to one side to get a glimpse of her face.

Finally, Rachel's gaze slowly shifted and met hers. The kind look on the blonde's face let Rachel's anger die down. There was no judgment in it. Only concern.

_You want to talk about it?_

Rachel just shook her head."No. Not now."

Quinn had anticipated this answer; still, she was curious what Hiram was referring to. But it was not her call to take up the subject. She wanted to take up what they were doing before Hiram had acted as a coitus interruptus.

Still having her eyes glued on Rachel's beautiful features she noticed the anger dissipate and be replaced by joy and excitement. She was glad to see the shift in her lover, having feared the episode with the letter had spoiled the mood.

"What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to go home and sleep!" Happy, Rachel's eyes gleamed.

_I wanted to surprise you. And I needed to see you. I could not wait until Friday._ She placed a tender kiss on Rachel's still smiling mouth.

Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist, tilting her head back, soaking up the love and desire that radiated from her look. Then she placed her head on her girlfriend's chest, sighing deeply.

"I am so happy to see you, Quinn! I did not know how to survive all these days without being able to touch you!"

Rachel chuckled a bit. Leaning so close to Quinn, the blond felt the small laughter vibrate in her own chest and it made her heart warm. She knew it would be hard to forget the picture that had burned into her mind when she saw Rachel for the first time in front of the theater and how much her appearance had shocked her. It now made her so happy to see Rachel smiling, laughing and coming to life again.

She breathed in deeply and let out a humming sound, feeling all the tension that had accumulated during the day dissipate.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhh," Quinn tightened her embrace, displaying that she agreed with Rachel's statement.

"Are you purring?" Rachel laughed and felt Quinn's head nod against hers. Then with a start, she jerked her head back as a thought struck her.

"Are you hungry? Have you eaten anything? I don't want you to starve with all that running around. I know how crazy these days can get and how easy it is to forget to eat properly."

Sincere brown eyes read Quinn's, who shook her head, disentangling her hands.

_Actually, now that you mention it, I am a bit hungry. I think…. I have only eaten breakfast and skipped lunch._

"Ok, I am going to make you something to eat now. No, resistance is futile. Sit down." And she pulled the taller woman towards the kitchen where she left her sitting on one of the barstools.

However, Quinn was not satisfied being so far away from the person she loved, so after a moment of watching Rachel busy herself with a pan and ingredients, she hopped off. Trailing around the counter, she kept a short distance away until Rachel caught her eye and noticed her standing there. She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow in question.

_I need to be close to you._

"Hm. But how am I going to cook then?"

Quinn stepped behind her, linking her arms in front of Rachel's stomach, placing a kiss on her right cheek. Then she moved her hands.

_You will hardly notice me. I'll just walk behind you._

It was a bit difficult to form the words being restricted in her movements and using Rachel's body as reference but the brunette got the message.

With Quinn tagging along, her arms never loosening around her waist, Rachel whipped up a very tasty mix of vegetables and Basmati rice. It was not too heavy for the late hour but it stilled the grumbling in Quinn's stomach.

They both shared the meal, throwing longing glances back and forth, touching each other every other moment, as if to make sure the other person was still there.

"We are sooo needy, Quinn," Rachel smirked at one point, which triggered Quinn to laugh.

_Yes, we are…_ she searched for the word, not knowing the sign, she mouthed it.

"Pathetic?" Rachel repeated and hopped off the chair, when Quinn bobbed her head up and down, grinning.

"You know what, I don't care." Checking that Quinn had emptied her plate in order to not leave her still hungry, Rachel climbed on Quinn's lap. Claiming her lips with her own and pressing her body against the blonde to get as much physical contact as possible.

To have Quinn right here in front of her was the best gift of the day.

She had a hard time admitting it, but the teasing message that Quinn had sent, telling her that she was not able to call had left a hollowness in her that was hard to cover up. And dealing with her dad in that state would have been too much. Opening the door and seeing Quinn actually standing there gave her a burst that made her heart overflow with joy. It was amazing how this woman managed to shift her feelings from zero to one hundred in no time.

"Quinn," she managed between kisses, "I was short of sitting in a cab and driving to your apartment. Even if I had had to sleep in front of the door, at least I could have seen you in person when you leave your apartment in the morning," she joked.

Quinn pulled the omnipresent pad and pen on the counter closer as Rachel sat too press against her to see her hands properly.

_That's why I came here. I did not want you to end up on the cold floor outside my door._

"You could at least have asked me inside then."

_Yeeeeaaaahhhh, maybe!_ That comment triggered Rachel to poke Quinn in the sides, which made the blond woman jump and wiggle on the chair.

"You mean little prick! You would let me camp on your doorstep!"

Rachel did not stop torturing her girlfriend, having discovered how ticklish she was. Quinn started laughing harder, not able to ward of the offending fingers.

"Rachel, stop! Rachel, pleeeeeaaase, no tickling!" she exclaimed while trying to get a hold of Rachel's hands.

"Are you begging for mercy, Quinn?" The question was answered with a vigorous nod of the blond head. "What do you have to offer?"

For a moment Rachel rested her hands placing them on Quinn's to ward off a possible counterattack and watched Quinn catch her breath.

"How about a surprise on Thursday?" The quizzical expression on her girlfriend's face made her snatch her hands out of Rachel's grip.

_Sorry. Keep Thursday evening free, ok? Well, only if you don't want to tickle me, that is._

"Really? I don't have to wait until Friday to see you? Ok, deal!" And Rachel held her hands up to show that she would not attack Quinn anymore.

After agreeing on the peace treaty and sealing it with a long and passionate kiss, they both cleaned up the kitchen together and then snuggled on the couch to watch a late night movie. Quinn was a bit distracted by the subtitles that flickered across the screen at first. She tried to strain her ears to hear the conversation, but then gave up.

_Rachel, can you turn up the volume a bit_?

It showed on her face that she was uneasy to ask.

Rachel snorted. "What, are you deaf?" She then asked jokingly.

_Apparently._ Quinn answered, appreciating the little joke as an attempt to show her that she should not feel awkward for asking something like that.

"Here, you do it." Quinn took the offered remote and adjusted the volume.

Next, Quinn was distracted by the soothing fingers that crawled up and down her right arm. She turned and saw that Rachel was so _not_ interested in the movie, but rather in watching her from the side. When she caught her gaze, Quinn completely forgot about the film. She drowned in the brown eyes and all she was aware of was Rachel's skin under her own fingers, her breath on her lips and her scent in her nose.

She leaned forward until Rachel gave in and fell back on the couch, her eyes never leaving Quinn's. Slowly, the blonde trailed her hand down her lovers shirt and underneath it up to cup the braless, round breasts with her hand.

As passionate as their first exploring had been, as slow and as sensual their making love was this time. Eventually they moved to Rachel's bedroom, continuing their bodily exploration with their hands, their lips and their tongue. Neither woman left one centimeter untouched. The soft light pouring over Rachel's slightly tanned skin gave it a beautiful glow. Quinn could not get enough of the naked glory spread out in front of her, smiling, writhing, and pleasantly moaning under her touch. She noticed that sometimes Rachel would close her eyes, but as soon as Quinn's fingers left her body to shift her own position, her eyes quickly opened to reconnect on a visual level and to see where she was moving. It thrilled her to be able to feel and hold this beautiful woman, to see her open up to her, to be able to bring her the outmost pleasure, raise her desire and be the only one that could also satisfy it.

When the wave of absolute pleasure rode through Rachel's body, she arched her back, her body tense, her grip on Quinn's arm almost hurtful in her ecstasy. Quinn held her with one arm under her back, the other hand gently continuing to probe the soft and most sensible spot between Rachel's legs. Finally, the ripples of pleasure ebbed away and left the smaller woman moaning and panting in Quinn's embrace.

As she came to her senses again, Rachel then took over the lead and slowly brought Quinn to her climax, with sensual kisses that moved closer and closer to the juncture between her legs. She felt that having witnessed her own orgasm, Quinn was already very aroused and she did not want to tease her too much. Feeling Quinn's most vulnerable spot underneath her tongue almost made Rachel come again herself. With some effort she managed to concentrate on Quinn and let her tongue swirl around the little bud that caused Quinn to whimper in longing for more.

Rachel let her tongue flick a beet deeper, dipping into the wetness that had spread between her girlfriend's legs. Quinn's hands grabbed the sheets beneath her, moving her hips in a rhythm that thrust Rachel's tongue deeper into the hot folds. Slowly she moved up again, starting to suck at Quinn's clitoris, first lightly, then harder. It did not take long until Quinn finally cried out, held Rachel's head in both hands and spasmed, her whole body growing tense as her orgasm reached its peak.

As her body grew limp again under Rachel's softly stroking hands, Rachel crawled up and gently kissed the full lips of the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, that she was sure of. Quinn had her eyes closed, still reveling in that sensation that had rocked her from head to toe. Rachel saw her chest rise and fall in short breaths, smiling satisfied at having her lover delivered into such a delicious elated state. Eventually Quinn opened her eyes and Rachel was struck by the deep hazel color, some golden flecks that looked like sunlight dancing through the forest leaves. Again it raised the feeling of complete belonging in her. Those eyes drew her in and she never wanted to see something else.

Blissfully they held each other, letting soft hands wander over supple skin until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

….

It was still very early when Quinn got up the next morning, but she had to get back to her apartment first to change. Her spontaneous house call the evening before left her again without a fresh change of clothes. At least this time she did not sleep in them. To be exact, she was not wearing anything during the night and waking up, sensing Rachels naked body with her soft skin pressed against hers was the most prescious gift to carry her through the new and busy day.

Before having to leave and against her better judgment, Quinn had to mention what had happened in the evening.

_Rachel, I would appreciate if you'd tell me what upset you last night when your dad gave you that envelope. I mean, whenever you're ready. I don't want to press you but please don't shut me out._

Rachel lowered her gaze. "Ok." Then she looked up and cupped Quinn's face with both hands, locking eyes with her. Quinn placed a passionate kiss on her girlfriend's lips before she hurried out.

Rachel leaned with her back against the door after having seen her girlfriend off, swiped her hair out of her face with both hands and let out a deep breath. She knew she would have to address the two topics she had pushed away the past couple of days. She would have to take a look at them and tell Quinn about them, letting the emotions, doubts, questions and insecurities come up. But she also knew that Quinn would listen with an open heart, would support her and never judge her. This knowledge made it a lot easier to face the two things in her life she had the most difficulties to deal with.

Missing music and still harboring hope in one small corner of her heart.

Hope that she did not want to have destroyed by some final verdict of a doctor.


	18. Chapter 18

**Glee, what shall I say… wish I would own it. But I don't, didn't and won't.**

* * *

**Chapter 18**

Wednesday evening, Quinn hurried to get out early after her performance, because she finally wanted to give Santana a call. She did not know how much she would tell her friend about her new love live yet, but at least she wanted to hear how her friend was.

Quinn settled on her couch and typed Santana's number into her phone. Her high school friend was currently in New York, staying with her aunt and uncle.

The Latina picked up after the third ring, greeting her with the usual charming Santana style.

"Hey, Quinn. I was wondering if you were still alive."

"Likewise, Santana," Quinn smirked. "How are you?"

"Busy, but good!" She hesitated a moment. Quinn sensed that there was more to come and stayed silent. "Isn't it strange how life keeps us busy and days rushed by until you notice that the important things are left behind? Like staying connected to friends. Not even having time or taking the time to call them? Always blaming others or other circumstances why we just can't make the effort."

Santana offered a rare and untypical glimpse into her inner musings. She did not share these insights with many people. Most people were recipients of her typical directness, carefully hiding the sensitive side of her personality that also existed. Once she trusted a person enough, she would let her or him enter this part of Santana's world. People were often surprised by the depth and vulnerability that the young woman could display.

"Yeah," Quinn sighed, "tell me about it. I don't know how many times it was already when I wanted to call you. You still staying with your family?"

"Yes. But I am applying for jobs here in New York," Santana revealed and Quinn could hear the smile in her voice.

"Really? It's about time! What are your options?" Quinn was excited about the possibility to have her old friend living close to her again. That would make it so much easier to stay in contact.

"There is an agency that is hiring a personal trainer for some VIPs, mainly high strung managers, some celebrities as well. Can you imagine kicking some actress's butt?"

Quinn chuckled. "Well, it won't be my butt you're gonna kick! Do you already have interviews?"

"Yes, obviously cheerleading under Coach Sylvester was a markup in my curriculum. There is still one other competitor in the loop though, for this particular job."

"When will you know if you get it?" Quinn really hoped that Santana would stay in the city.

"They will call me back tomorrow. So keep your fingers crossed, Q! Listen, if this works out, do you think I could stay with you for a couple of days until I have my own place? My _tia_ is really nice and all, but a little overbearing at times."

Had this question been asked two weeks ago, Quinn would not have hesitated to offer her guest room to Santana, but now Quinn did not know what to answer right away.

"What? Something you need to tell me? You moving? Got an engagement somewhere else?" Santana sounded disappointed.

"No, I'm staying in New York."

"Someone living with you already? You pregnant or what?"

"No." Was all Quinn said, rolling her eyes at the last question.

There was silence in the line for a second. Quinn was thinking about how much she was going to tell and Santana was trying to figure out what caused Quinn's hesitation. Then she caught on.

"Wait! You are seeing someone! That's why you don't want me to stay with you! Little Santana would be in the way when you and your new smoochie are making out," she then exclaimed.

"Ugh," Quinn just groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. Damn. How come Santana always knew these things? Ok, it was not that hard to guess, judging from her reaction to Santana's initial question to stay with her.

How would she get out of this number without giving away Rachel's condition? Well, giving away that she _was with_ Rachel in the first place? In addition, why the hell was she so secretive about it? Because it was still so fresh and such an unexpected situation? From time to time, Quinn had to pinch herself to make sure that having Rachel as her girlfriend was true and not some wonderful dream she dreaded to wake up from. Sometimes she wondered if all the exaggerated romantic movies and soaps were truly not a mirror of real life, where wonderful yet crazy things actually happened, even if they seemed too good to be true.

Santana's excited voice pierced through her contemplations.

"I knew it! That's awesome, who is it? Do I know him? Spill, Fabray!"

"Er, um, yes. Actually, you do." God, why did she have to call Santana? She should have known that this talk would end up exactly where it was now. Santana could be like a bloodhound once she caught on to something, she would never let loose , shaking you up until every little detail dropped out of your mouth, regardless if you wanted to or not.

Quinn sat at the other side of the phone line and just bit her lip.

"Hey, Q, you still awake? I'm talking to you." Again, Santana's remark was met with silence. Then Quinn literally heard the wheels clicking in her friend's head.

"Why do you make such a goddam secret out of your relationship? What are you afraid of?"

"I am not afraid of anything, Santana," Quinn stated defensively. "It's just… I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on Quinn, it's me, auntie Santana, you're talking to. How can you give me so much and then not tell the rest, huh? You told me I know the person – good lord," she interrupted herself; "I hope it is not Finn the dork Hudson. Please, you can tell me everything but not this!"

Despite herself Quinn had to chuckle. She calmed her friend. "No, it is not him."

"Good. Good. Anything else will work." She heard Santana breathe a sigh of relief, wondering why that would have been so horrible. Well, leaving the fact that she did not love him and never really had aside.

"What do you mean anything else will work?"

"Any other constellation I can think of is better than the one mentioned before."

"Uhu. And what so called _constellation_ are you thinking of?" Santana would never guess, Quinn was sure of that.

"Hm, there could be Artie, but no. Puck, maybe. But nah, he is in San Francisco. Long term relationships are not a Quinn Fabray thing. So…." All of a sudden, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, I just tried to remember who you still were in contact with after high school and the only person I could remember, who always evoked any kind of feelings in you, however negative they were," she chuckled again, "was Rachel Berry. But she did not play in the other team, neither do you. So I am out of options. Whom did I forget? Come on, Quinn, I am tired of guessing."

"Uh," Quinn was desperately trying to find a way out. Santana's little joke about Rachel had hit its mark. Words failed her and her hesitation gave Santana the last push into the right direction. Facing the inevitable, Quinn squeezed her eyes shut.

"Ooooohhh, waitaminute, no way. Nonononono. No! You're not gonna tell me that…goddammit Quinn, really? You and Berry? _Dios mio._ When the fuck did that happen?" The three billion question marks behind Santana's questions literally flew through the phone line and punched Quinn in the face.

"Ah, pfffffffffffff…" Quinn let out a deep breath, trying to buy time. "Dunno. Well, no. I _do_ know when it started. We figured it out."

"We?" Santana asked meekly.

"Yes, we, Rachel and I." Quinn was suddenly amused that the news shocked her friend who usually was not shy of words, sometimes almost up to the point of being verbally abusive. However, this piece of news seemed to have robbed her of her speech. So Quinn continued with her explanation.

"To answer your question, it actually started nine years and six days ago, to be exact," she then stated with a laugh. It was too late now anyway, so she could tell her friend the truth.

Apparently, Santana had found her way back to her old self, because the next string of comments came out in a rush peppered with the so familiar Santana curse words.

"Shit Q, honestly, what the hell are you talking about? Are you delirious? You're not gonna tell me that you have been mushing over Rachel already in high school? Fuck, no. I would have noticed. I mean, I even noticed that this big oaf Karofsky was gay, when no one else would have ever gotten behind his little secret, leaving Kurt aside. But _Rachel_? C'mon, you hated her guts most of the time we spent together in Glee Club!" Santana incredulously exclaimed.

"Obviously I was a better actress than Karofsky. Rachel thought the same, by the way. About me hating her, I mean," Quinn simply stated. Now that the news was out, she felt oddly calm in comparison to the Latina.

"Yeah, but, you and her, you didn't see each other over the past years. At least that's what you told me and don't tell me that you fucking lied to me, Q! That this has been going on behind my back. Then Imma gonna rip your pretty little ass open, I swear!"

"Calm down Santana. Nothing happened over the past years. I … we…just met recently by chance."

Santana was quiet for a second, waiting for a longer explanation. When Quinn did not offer one, she probed again.

"Listen Q, that's not how this works. You're gonna tell good old Santana the details, because if I have to pull every little detail out of your nose, it ain't gonna be pretty!"

"Santana, uh, you know, maybe I am not ready to talk about further details. So either you back off, or I'll just hang up. Your choice." Quinn was starting to get irritated. Usually, she had no trouble with Santana's outspokenness and was just as good at returning her retorts, but Rachel and the details of how they met were just too sensible for Quinn to bring them up. She knew how Rachel felt about other people knowing about her condition. And the more details she put on the table, the deeper Santana would dig. So Quinn had to get her off her back.

Apparently, Santana had caught the serious note in Quinn's voice.

"Ok, Quinn, sorry that I blew off like that. But I really have been wondering about you. You hardly called over the past years, held everyone from the old gang at a distance and even though you and Rachel had become something like friends during our senior year, you never spoke to her anymore over the past years. And all of a sudden, you and she are an item, telling me that you have been in love with her since high school. How do you expect me to react to this kind of news? And yes, I do feel left out and I am a bit jealous that she now gets all your attention when you just managed to call me now, ten fucking weeks after the last time we spoke."

"You know Santana, the phone works both ways and you have my number." It annoyed Quinn immensely that her friends always blamed her for not staying in contact when they as well could call her for a change.

"Yes, I know. I hope if I stay in the city, then we can see each other more often! Man, I still have to digest the news. I can't believe I never saw this coming!"

"You know Santana, I am actually surprised. You really didn't know?" Quinn's anger dissipated over her friend's earlier apology. She tried to picture herself in Santana's shoes and understood her need for reassurance. "You teased me about it, Santana. Remember Senior Prom? You told me in the hallway in front of the Spanish classroom I should stop making out with Berry and help you count the ballots." Quinn laughed quietly. "God, you never knew how much I really would have wanted to make out with her, in retrospect."

"Gee, yeah. Anyway, now you get to do it. Better late than never!" Santana had to laugh. "So, how is she, our famous star? Last I heard she was on Broadway in some famous musical."

Quinn closed her eyes. Then simply stated: "Yes. Funny Girl."

Santana did not react right away, picking up the unspoken vibes. "Ok, there is something you are not telling me. What is it?" Rottweiler instinct.

"It is actually not for me to tell." Quinn tried to stir the topic away.

"What. Is something wrong with our diva? She lost her voice or somethin'?" Santana joked, but it was not lost on her that Quinn caught her breath, ever so slightly.

"Wait, Quinn, sorry, that was a joke. I'll stop making fun of her I promise. She is your girlfriend now, I get it. I am happy for you, honestly. Just have to get used to the thought that you and B-Rachel…" she quickly corrected herself before calling Rachel by her surname. "…are a couple now." She hesitated a moment. "Listen, can we meet for coffee tomorrow? I'd rather talk about this in person with you."

Quinn quickly calculated the time she would have before meeting Rachel for dinner. If she hurried through her morning appointments, she would have some time to share coffee with Santana before seeing Rachel.

"Sure. I won't have much time, but I can squeeze in a coffee with you."

"Gee, thanks for receiving me for an audience, your highness," Santana sneered and Quinn laughed.

They agreed to meet at a small coffee shop called the _Coffee Bean_ that was not so far from Rachel's apartment and it would save Quinn some time since she would not have to go back and forth across the city.

...

After hanging up, she pulled her laptop on her legs and rang through to Rachel, who did not answer. Quinn tried again a couple of minutes later, still no response. Hopefully, Rachel was not asleep yet. She needed to see her face, needed to look into those beautiful eyes to satisfy at least a tiny portion of that absolute longing in her heart.

Finally, her own laptop chimed and she accepted the call, seeing a tired looking Rachel on the other side of the screen.

_Hey, Sweet, thanks for calling back. How are you? Everything all right with you?_ Concern was written on Quinn's face.

Rachel bobbed her head. "Yes, just a little tired. Had to run some errands and had a meeting with my former manager."

Quinn touched a finger to the screen where Rachel's cheek would be. _How did it go?_

To her surprise, Rachel signed the next sentence.

_I will tell you tomorrow, ok? I think I am ready for bed._

And just when Quinn started to get really worried, Rachel smiled. _Really, I am ok, stop frowning._

_I should have called earlier, sorry. I had Santana on the line. You should have been my priority to be called first when I came home._ Quinn felt bad for making Rachel wait.

_Quinn, please, it's ok, why do you feel bad for catching up with your friends? They have the same right as I do to get your attention. Besides I've only settled down now, I was busy straightening up and cleaning. I have a date tomorrow;_ she smirked and wiggled one of her eyebrows.

_Is that so? Who is the lucky one?_

_Fishing for compliments, Quinn?_

_Yes!_ The blonde bluntly stated, which made Rachel laugh and this lightened Quinn's mood a bit to see a little carefreeness replace the serious expression on her girlfriend's pretty face. Though she still wondered why Rachel kept signing. Not that she complained about it, she was just wondering since the past days Rachel had spoken to her almost all the time, which of course had made the conversations a bit easier. She had to admit, she missed her voice.

_How is Santana?_ Quinn saw her girlfriend ask.

_Good, she is in New York applying for a job. She wants to stay here._

_That's great! Then you two have an easier time to stay in touch if she lives closer!_

Rachel was truly happy for Quinn, thinking back on how glad she was that Kurt was also so close to her – again.

_We will meet tomorrow for a quick coffee in the afternoon._

Why did Quinn keep feeling uncomfortable talking about other friends with Rachel? Rachel did not expect Quinn to spend all her free time with her, even though that was what Quinn would prefer to do. Maybe she felt guilty because they did not have much time for each other this week and the little extra free time she could squeeze out of the tight schedule she would share with Santana.

"Quinn?" Rachel's voice interrupted her musings.

_Sorry, just lost in thoughts._

_Let's call it a night, ok? I am happy to see you tomorrow!_ Rachel then signed.

_I miss you! Are you mad that I will also meet with Santana?_ Before Quinn could reign in her hands, the question was out in the air.

_What makes you think that?_

A raised eyebrow and a questioning look in the brown eyes showed Quinn that it was an honest query. So the guilty feeling only came from her own musings. It was nothing that Rachel implied.

_Sorry, just, I don't know…_

"Ok, Quinn, first of all, stop apologizing all the time. Second, did I do anything to give you that feeling? If so, I didn'ot do it deliberately. I know how busy you are and how challenging this kind of job can be and during the high season to juggle everything in the minimal free time you have. So stop blaming yourself."

Quinn nodded. _I don't deserve you. You are always so understanding._

"Hm, let's see how you can make it up to me tomorrow." The teasing and smiling from Rachel lifted a bit the heavy feeling in Quinn's stomach and hearing her girlfirend's voice in the end was another special treat.

_Ok. I will!_

They bade their goodnights, of course not without throwing lots of love and _I miss you_ 's through the ether. Still, just like last time it left a little aftertaste of disappointment on Quinn's tongue. She always had the feeling of not being completely connected to Rachel whenever they were talking via Skype. She never experienced this when they were actually together.

Unbeknown to her, Rachel felt the same on the other end. So she tried to focus on the next day. She would surprise Quinn with a self-cooked dinner because Rachel did not want Quinn to worry about preparing dinner if she had been running around like crazy for the better part of the week. She would take her time and really try to prepare a nice meal. The rice and vegetables she had prepared the other night were the only thing she could whip up from scratch, but this time she would really make the effort. Missing chef-talent or not.

Rachel smiled at the thought of treating Quinn with a relaxing "spa" evening at home. Good food, some whine, a nice bath, a massage… The plan started to take form in her mind. With these pictures – that did not display any clothes in them - in her mind she slowly drifted off to sleep.

….

Quinn entered the small café and immediately spotted Santana sitting in the far corner. They hugged each other for a long time, before sitting down and choosing their coffee.

"Good to see you again in person, Q," Santana admitted.

"Yes, I'm happy to see you too, Santana! Have you heard from your job interview?"

The former cheerio shook her head and her black ponytail bobbed from one side to the other.

"No, I have to keep myself from fidgeting and picking up the phone every other minute," she then laughed about herself.

"You know how a watched pot never boils," Quinn offered with a smirk.

"Yes, I do know. That is why I keep it in my pocket now and luckily, I have you to distract me! How is your show going? I meant to come, but so far I have not done one typical tourist thing."

"Oh, that is so Santana. Just don't be average and do what everybody else does. You are just so above things. I guess that hasn't changed," Quinn teased her friend. "Well, my show is still on, so if you want to come, let me know. I am very busy preparing for a concert in parallel. And with all the additional shows scheduled now for the upcoming Christmas season my head is already spinning with all the appointments I have. That does not leave much time for anything else," she sighed.

"Or any _one_ else," Santana corrected her. "So, I have to admit I am still a bit surprised, but I see that she seems to be good for you. You seem happy. Even though there is something you are not telling me. But I'll get to it." Santana narrowed her eyes and waved a finger at Quinn.

Quinn decided not to latch on to the last comment. "Well, I am very happy. I never would have thought that this would happen. I mean, it took me so many years to figure it out and then having the luck that the other person you hopelessly fall in love with is loving you back, with all your faults, insecurities… wow, that is just such an amazing feeling!" She radiated such happiness that Santana had to smile.

"I know, Quinn. I felt that way when Brittany finally fell in love with me." A wistful expression washed over Santana's face.

"You still miss her?"

"Yeah, in a way. She was my first love. The first woman I was with. I will always love her in a way. We still stay in contact."

"Is that the reason why you came to New York? So you could be closer to her?" Quinn was curious. The two women had been separated for five years and still there seemed to be an unresolved issue between them. None of them was able to let go completely, but they did not want to commit themselves either. Brittany had opened her own dance school three years ago, training young adults, and helping the one or other aspiring actor to improve their moves.

"I don't know. I needed a change, new impulses, needed to get to know new people. Turns out I run into you and Berry," she added with a smirk.

"Well, sometimes old friends are good to have. They can help you settle in. And they can also introduce you to new people. You never know." Quinn thought for a moment. "Listen; let me think about your request from yesterday. I'd like to discuss it with Rachel; obviously this also affects her, in a way. We will find you a place to stay, Santana, I promise." Quinn noticed Santana throwing her a grateful look.

"Thanks. I don't want to impose, you know. I…"

"It's ok Santana, really. Did you know, by the way, that Kurt and Blaine also live in the city? Rachel met Kurt the other day."

"Really? _Vaya_ , then the old gang is almost back together, how cool is that. But hey, don't suggest that we all go out for Karaoke, un uh, not with me!" The Latina waved a dismissive hand through the air and glimpsed something in Quinn's eyes that she could not quite pinpoint. She furrowed her brow.

"Ok, Quinn, I get it that you don't want to talk about it. But whatever it is, whenever you are ready, you can talk to me, ok? I won't press it. But don't swallow too much. One day you might choke on it."

"Thanks Santana, I get it that this is your own charming way of telling me that you have an open ear for a friend in distress. I appreciate the gesture. And … give me some time. We will talk about it sooner or later. Just… not now."

Santana rested her dark eyes on Quinn, studying her silently. Then she nodded. "Fair enough."

They caught up on the whereabouts of their other Glee Club friends, chatting a bit about Mr. Schuester and his wife, until finally coming to Sue Sylvester, wondering how she was doing with her little daughter.

Quinn looked at her watch and saw that it was time to leave, if she wanted to surprise Rachel by being early for their date. The two women paid and walked outside. They hugged for their good-byes, holding each other for a moment when the Latina exclaimed: "Look. Speak of the devil."

Quinn spun around, half-expecting Coach Sylvester standing behind her. Instead, she saw Rachel stopping in her tracks, looking up from the phone in her hand, as if she had felt that she was being watched. She stared at the two other women standing on the sidewalk.

Even from the little distance, Quinn saw the insecurity claim her lover's features. She felt rushed back to that day in the Community Center, when Rachel had worn a similar expression, her eyes darting between them and the other side of the street, her body tense as if ready to flee.

Quinn's color drained from her face. This was not how she had anticipated their date to begin with. What had shocked Rachel so much that she was ready to run? Seeing Santana, someone from her past, or the fact that both women hugged? Quinn had a feeling that whatever happened the day before somehow had left an adverse impact on Rachel.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

"Wait here Santana." It came out harsher than Quinn had intended, but she prayed that for once the Latina would do as asked. Just because Rachel was comfortable communicating with her did not automatically mean it would be as easy with others.

She walked towards Rachel who was still standing rooted to the pavement.

When she was near enough, she could see the confusion in those large, brown eyes.

"Quinn, what are you two doing here?"

Rachel's eyes skipped between her girlfriend and the tall, dark haired Latina standing a few paces behind her before settling back on the woman in front of her, not sure what to make of the situation.

"I mean, you told me you were going to meet Santana, but not …here." The brown eyes still rested on Quinn's features.

There was a mixture of surprise, confusion and … was it guilt … on Quinn's face. Rachel asked herself why Quinn had not told her that she would meet with Santana in her neighborhood. Maybe she just forgot or did not find it important. Maybe Santana lived somewhere nearby.

Nevertheless, it still felt strange that Quinn would have omitted such banal information. So why did she? Was she afraid that Rachel would want to join them? It was not as if she wanted to intrude. But now that Santana had already seen her, what best should she do?

Quinn stood with her back to Santana. She hoped that she would not see her signing right away and thus put Rachel in the uncomfortable position of exposing her disability. It was Rachel's call to let Santana know, or to address her in the first place. Watching her girlfriend's face, she saw a whole range of emotions race across Rachel's features.

Quinn tried to figure out how she could best explain her reason for having met at the Coffee Bean, so close to Rachel without actually telling her before.

_Rachel, I am sorry you ran into us unprepared and that I did not tell you Santana and I would be meeting here at the Coffee Bean. I did not want to lose time traveling back and forth across the city, so I suggested this little café. I also managed to rush a bit through my appointments this morning. So I asked Santana if we could meet earlier than planned, because that would also leave more time for you and me to spend with each other. I wanted to surprise you. That's why I did not say anything to you before. I am truly sorry for putting you on the spot. I didn't know… I could not have guessed that you… This is awkward._

"Yes, it is."

Rachel's eyes were still probing, trying to see if Quinn had another reason to feel caught. Rachel pushed the latter thought away quickly. Her girlfriend's words seemed genuine enough and she felt her resolve loosen up a bit at learning the reason for Quinn and Santana being here. Despite her initial confusion and astonishment, she was happy to see Quinn, even though she had not expected to run into her like that. And Santana, for that matter.

Still, it was a strange situation. She would have liked to hug Quinn and kiss her upon seeing her. Instead, they were standing on the street looking at each other, carefully trying to gauge each other's feelings.

Quinn was not sure if Rachel was mad at her, she kept searching her face with those deep, brown eyes. Then Quinn took a small step towards her. She wanted and needed a physical connection with Rachel. She wanted the insecurity that was hanging like a thick curtain between them to disappear. Tentatively, her hands formed the next question.

_Can I kiss you?_

She was glad when she heard relief woven into the simple: "Yes."

Quickly, she closed the remaining gap between them by pulling Rachel closer. The brunette's eyes closed automatically when Quinn's lips touched hers. She savored the feeling of the soft and tender caress, not caring that it was on open display. Quinn drew back too soon to Rachel's liking and asked:

_What brings you here?_

"I live here Quinn," Rachel stated mockingly with a raised eyebrow. Then felt a bit guilty about the somewhat harsh answer. "Well, actually I am on my way to the supermarket." An involuntary smile appeared on her face. "I wanted to surprise you with dinner. I figured that after such a hectic day and long week, you could use some time to relax," she explained.

That took Quinn by surprise.

"Oh!" _But I have to make it up to you, so I planned on cooking! That was part of our peace treaty, remember?_ She added with her hands.

"Well, then we just have to adapt it a bit." Rachel retorted, still displaying the small smile that made Quinn's heart glow a bit.

Quinn gazed at the beautiful face in front of her almost forgetting her other friend was waiting at a small distance away. She glanced over her shoulder and found Santana observing them, clearly wondering what the hell was going on and probably asking herself why Rachel and her would not just walk over and say hello.

_Why don't we go grocery shopping together later?_ Quinn paused for a moment, before continuing with another small glance back at Santana.

_She does not know. I have not told her anything about your accident, only about…us being together. Do you want to say hello? If not, it's ok, I'll tell her… something._ She watched Rachel's smile disappear.

Rachel bit her lip, torn between the easy way out and the mature thing to do, namely to face up and say hello to Santana. Even though she felt like turning the other way, she swallowed her unease and tried to brave the new challenge. Even though she was not ready to go all public with her disability, she could at least start to take it step by step and person by person. This seemed to have become her new philosophy. So far, she thought, that tactic had let her make some small progresses.

"No, this would be ridiculous." Rachel stated as answer to Quinn's comment. She stepped around Quinn, tugging her a in the along in the process, courageously walking up to the former Cheerios Co-Captain.

When she stood in front of her, she was intrigued by the curious look the Latina gave her.

"Hello Santana. Nice to see you again." And she bravely mustered a smile.

"Hello Rachel. Good to see you, too!"

Rachel was surprised when Santana hesitatingly bent down a bit to give her a brief hug.

"I am sorry, I did not want to interrupt you two. I was just going to the grocery store." Rachel made a wage movement with her hand down the street.

"It's ok, don't worry, Q and I were saying goodbye anyways." While speaking the last words, Santana slightly moved her head towards Quinn, who had taken up a spot next to her. So the final part of the sentence was lost to Rachel, who wasn't well versed in lip-reading yet anyway. Slowly she cast her eyes on Quinn who took the silent cue and transformed their friend's words into signs.

Santana watched the exchange in silence, her eyes darting between the two women, her brows furrowed. What the hell was going on? Something about both woman's poise and the way Quinn seemed to dance around a certain topic when she had talked to her the other night gave Santana a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Wait a second," and she pointed between Rachel and Quinn, trying to sort her thoughts. Then her eyes rested on the small, brown-haired woman who patiently watched her with those intense brown eyes, after Quinn had also relayed the last sentence to her in sign language.

"Rachel…." For once, Santana was at a loss for words. She needed a moment for the significance of what she had just witnessed to sink in. Then the little pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

During all those years in school, whenever she had teased Rachel, rolled her eyes at her and just wished she would shut up, she never – _never_ \- would have wish for something so life shattering to happen to her. She started to begin to understand what that must have meant to Rachel's dreams. Then she remembered her joke from the other night about Rachel losing her voice. She had not meant anything by it, but now the significance crashed down on her. And now, she understood Quinn's reaction for what it was. She was not hurt because Santana teased her about Rachel, her involuntary reaction had actually come from the fact that Santana had hit the bulls eye with her careless remark.

"Rachel, what on god's earth happened?" Santana finally managed to ask, again witnessing the words being translated by Quinn.

"I lost my hearing in a car accident six months ago." Rachel simply explained and observed the Latina closely. The news really appeared to shock her. Curious. She would not have thought that she would care so much. Or that it would get to her in such a deep way. After all Santana was never one to hold back her opinion and her comments to Rachel had often stung. But, just as it was with Quinn, Rachel always guessed that there was also another side to Santana, that the rough exterior demeanor was just an armor to hide behind. She indeed had a caring side, something that her relationship with Brittany had also borne witness to.

Rachel got the feeling she needed to reassure Santana somehow; which was actually funny, because after all she, Rachel, was the one who was at the greater disadvantage here. She decided not to dwell longer on that notion. The brunette quickly exchanged a look with Quinn and made a small movement with her head towards the cafe.

Quinn nodded and propelled her still stunned high school friend back through the doors of the coffee shop they had exited just a few moments ago. They settled at a table in a corner in front of the big window. Santana sat to Rachel's right and Quinn sat opposite her girlfriend. This way Rachel could see Santana and talk to her, while Quinn would be able to interpret without Rachel having to move her head to much to look from one woman to the other.

Rachel reached out and lightly touched the Latina's arm. "Are you ok, Santana?"

She nodded. "Yes, sorry, I…. Rachel…You're asking me if _I'm_ ok?" Unsure, she turned and looked at Quinn. "I am really sorry. I … "

Rachel furrowed her eyebrows; not knowing what was happening and was relieved when Quinn jumped in.

_She is apologizing._

_Was she talking to me or to you?_ Rachel asked by signing.

_I think she was talking to you. I guess she is unsure how she should communicate with you. And she wondered why you would ask her if she was ok, when …_ Quinn struggled a bit how to explain the next bit _…. the inflection of her voice indicated that she actually should ask you that._

Rachel swallowed. She was glad Quinn was with her and was very grateful that she also made the effort to explain the subtle detail of Santana's intonation. It made her want to reach out and hug her girlfriend. Even though Quinn was just sitting across from her, it seemed so far away at that moment.

All of a sudden Rachel would have liked to get some physical reassurance that this was ok, that they would manage this situation together. As if sensing her insecurity, Quinn smiled encouragingly, silently telling her that she would be here for her, that she was not alone. It gave Rachel enough courage to reach out and tap Santana, whose attention was still focused on Quinn's hands, lightly on the arm to get her attention.

When the dark eyes rested on her, she shortly explained.

"Santana, please look at me when you are talking to me. I need to see you when we have a conversation. I… I need to see at least your expression and body language. Quinn is interpreting your words in parallel for me. This way I can – more or less - get the whole picture."

"Oh, ok. Sorry, I did not mean any disrespect, Rachel." And this time Santana's eyes did not stray from Rachel's face, which she gratefully noticed. Out of the corner of her eye, she read Quinn's signs and nodded.

"It's ok. I guess…" Rachel shrugged with her right shoulder,"… it is an unusual situation."

Santana exhaled and rubbed her forehead. "Yes, you can say that. "

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence while neither woman knew what to say. Finally, Santana focused her attention on the petit woman again.

"Rachel, I do not know what to say. How do you get along? How … do you manage?" After finishing the sentence her eyes quickly darted to Quinn and back to Rachel.

Rachel shrugged. How much did she really want to share with the Latina? After all, they had not been close friends in school and after that, they had only written each other a couple of e-mails, rather keeping in touch on a superficial level.

"Do you mean by _'how I get along'_ how I get along with Quinn or with my daily life?" She then asked back with a small smirk.

Santana quickly shot Quinn a look before settling her attention back on Rachel. "Quinn spilled all the details about how you met and a little of the mushy stuff as well," Santana teased and waited until Quinn had finished interpreting, watching a little color raise in Rachel's face when mentioning the "mushy stuff".

"I did not tell her any details, Rachel, believe me!" Quinn rushed to comment, holding Rachel's eyes with her own, waiting until her lover nodded. Then she slapped Santana playfully on the arm. "Don't say such things!"

"Ah, come on Q," then turning to Rachel "you should have seen her face and gooey eyes when she was talking about you." She poked her thumb in the blonde's direction. "This woman is head over heels in love. I have never seen her face as radiant as when she mentions your name. She does not need to actually _tell_ me anything. I can see it written all over her face."

Rachel could not help but blush, then mumbled more to herself: "Yes, she can communicate very well without words," and looked up to send a loving smile to Quinn across the table.

Quinn reached out and quickly squeezed her girlfriend's hand.

"Hello, you two lovebirds, I am still here. Save the slobbering for later," Santana reminded them in her own charming way, before sobering up a bit. "Honestly, how do you two manage without Rachel being able to hear? Isn't that hard in a relationship?" Santana was never one to hold back with her honesty and straightforwardness.

Quinn and Rachel exchanged a look. Then Rachel filled in the details about their first meeting that Quinn respectfully had left out. Quinn told Santana that she had followed Rachel to the community center, but not what Rachel was actually doing there. So now Santana learned about their paper and pencil arrangement. Rachel also explained about how Quinn took up ASL lessons, which quite impressed Santana. Now that Rachel had filled her in Santana had to admit to herself that Quinn's reaction to the whole situation let her see her see Quinn in quite a different light.

"Is this sign language hard to learn?" She looked at both women.

This time, Quinn answered. "Well, some signs are pretty easy and quite logical. The difficulty is to piece them all together in a fluent way and also to get used to the syntax and grammar. Basically you don't translate every word, which makes it difficult at first, especially if I am talking and interpreting at the same time." Quinn smiled at Rachel. "Rachel is very patient with me. I'm sure that often I'm not making much sense, so she has to keep her wits together to figure out what the hell I am trying to say."

Rachel had to laugh at that, remembering the "weight-incident", quickly filling Santana in.

"Wow, Quinn, way to go. I thought I was tough, but you really top me. Bringing the weight issue on the table right after your first night, even _I_ would not have dared to pull such a stunt."

"Shut up, Santana."

Rachel reached over the table, pulling Quinn's hand close. "No, Quinn is really doing a wonderful job. And I cannot say how grateful I am that she is actually making the effort to learn, besides having a very time consuming job, and other friends to meet once in a while," she then added with a look at Santana.

Santana gazed at Rachel for a long moment. Rachel almost flinched under the scrutinizing look. Whatever came now, Rachel had no idea what was going on in the other head. As easy as it was for her to read Quinn, as difficult it was with Santana.

Then the Latina leaned a little in the smaller woman's direction.

"You know, Rachel, I really admire your stamina. Letting go of your dreams must have been hard." Rachel only nodded once in acknowledgement, a bit surprised at the words she did not expect. "I am happy for both of you that you found each other. I really am." Then a little smirk appeared on the pretty face. "But tell me, how did you manage to turn Quinn around and make her play for the other team? I would like to get to know the charms you worked on her."

Rachel chuckled and Quinn exclaimed: "Hey Santana! She is mine, hands off!" Seeing Quinn fight for her, even in a light and bantering way with her friend, made her heart glow.

Santana tapped her hand slightly and Rachel turned away from her girlfriend.

"Rachel, I will probably be staying in New York for a while. So, if you ever want someone to talk to and if Quinn is getting on your nerves, because sometimes she can get quite obnoxious…" that earned her another slap from the blonde, "… let me know."

Rachel appreciated the gesture and saw the sincerity behind Santana's teasing words. She was glad she had found the courage to meet the Latina instead of running away. And that Santana offered Rachel her friendship, despite the circumstance, meant a lot to her, even if it took her by surprise.

"Thank you, Santana."

Suddenly Santana jumped in her seat and fumbled at her jeans pocket. Quinn held her forefinger and thumb against her ear and mouth. "Phone's ringing."

Expectantly, both gazed at Santana, who nodded several times and Rachel guessed she made the appropriate accompanying sounds. Then the Latina's face broke out into a wide smile and she looked at Quinn and Rachel, holding one thumb up. Her mouth moved in what seemed to be short sentences of which Rachel did not understand much until Quinn relayed the short conversation. Rachel felt a bit like prying, because the conversation was not directed at her or did concern her, but then again Quinn was also privy of what was spoken, so she swallowed her doubts.

Finally Santana hung up.

"You got the job?" Quinn asked expectantly.

Santana's head bobbed up and down, her smile widening. "Yes!"

In her excitement Quinn threw her arms around her friend, congratulated and hugged her.

While still being embraced by her friend, Santana explained: "I've got it! I can start at the beginning of next week!"

Rachel watched the exchange, not sure what had exactly transpired as Quinn was busy huggging her friend, being happy with her. Rachel suddenly felt self-conscious asking for a translation.

When the two friends disentangled their arms and leaned back in their chairs Rachel caught Santana's eyes.

"You got the job?" She then dared asked, putting words to her interpretation of the previous happy exchange. Santana simply nodded, still grinning. "That is great, Santana," Rachel beamed and congratulated her friend. "Quinn will be happy to have you stay here in the city!"

Santana trained her dark eyes on Rachel, her face serious all of a sudden.

"And what about you, Rachel?"

Rachel lowered her gaze for a moment before connecting again with the dark haired woman. "Well, I'd be glad to see you too, Santana." She honestly stated.

Santana offered a small smile. "Good, Berry, I'm gonna take you up on that. Besides, since you and Quinn are a couple now, it will probably be hard to get you separated!" That last comment, delivered with a teasing smile earned her a third punch from Quinn and a roll of eyes from Rachel.

Santana let herself be hugged by Quinn again before she pushed her chair back.

"Sorry, gotta go, I have to meet my future boss so we can get the contract ready and stuff."

She stood, then bent down again to give Rachel a tight hug, speaking over her shoulder. "I am glad to see you, Rachel. Let's stay in contact, ok?" Quinn smiled as she formed the words.

When Santana had left, she let out a deep, long breath, looked at her girlfriend with some relief and raised an eyebrow as if to say, _that wasn't so bad, was it?_

Rachel just shook her head slightly. Indeed, that had not been too bad. In fact, it was actually quite nice to know that someone else was aware of her condition she did not have to hide from anymore. Even though she had to admit that Santana's reaction and interest in her astonished her somewhat.

_Supermarket?_ Quinn asked then. With a nod, Rachel got up. They gathered their things and exited the coffee shop to stock up on the ingredients they needed for dinner.

* * *


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

They prepared dinner in a joint effort, Rachel cutting and slicing, Quinn mixing and spicing the food. While Quinn quickly put some finishing touch to the meal, Rachel took the plates out of the cupboard and placed the cutlery on the counter. She also brought two candles and placed the flowers that she had bought Quinn from a small flower shop on their way back to the apartment right next to them. Rachel had wanted to surprise Quinn with them, but since she had already bump into into her while running her errands, Quinn could choose which flowers she liked best, at least. The flowers had earned her such a sweet kiss and the joy in Quinn's eyes was so infectious that Rachel contemplated buying the whole shop next time.

They sat down to eat and enjoyed the meal in silence for a moment, only interrupted by the occasional "mhm, good" from Rachel praising her girlfriend's cooking.

At one point Quinn put down her fork and Rachel sensed that a question was coming up. Something about Quinn's posture and expression always changed whenever she prepared to ask something meaningful that would cause Rachel to have to reflect about herself again. She felt a bit like she had done quite a soul striptease over the past weeks. Not that she minded, she was actually happy to have Quinn in her life who really cared about her and was always interested to learn about what was preoccupying her. It felt good to get the things out of her mind into the open that had been locked up there for many months. It helped her to order her thoughts and it let her see herself in a clearer light.

Rachel had bared almost all her feelings, doubts and insecurities to the other woman, who in turn had also shared quite a lot about herself, about her emotions, thoughts and motivations. The questions and following discussions were always carried in an understanding and caring way, yet never overbearing or dogmatic. Rachel loved being able to exchange her opinions and feelings on such a level and with such a deep and strong connection to someone.

So she studied Quinn, waiting for her to form the words. The small expectant smile on Rachel's face threw the singer a little off course.

_What?_

"Nothing. I am just waiting for you to pose the question."

_What?_

"I said I am just waiting…" She was interrupted by Quinn's hands.

_I got that the first time. How did you know I wanted to ask you something?_

Rachel chuckled, a bit surprised that Quinn could not guess the obvious.

"Trade secret. Shoot."

Quinn gave her a quizzical look, still not catching on, but decided to get back to the actual question that burned in her mind.

_Want to tell me how your last two days were? You looked so tired and worn out when we Skyped on Wednesday. I was worried about you._

Rachel's eyes clouded over, knowing full well what Quinn wanted to know. The agreement regarding total honesty was exhausting, sometimes. Well, only when it came to topics that she did not want to discuss, that were still too tender and fragile within her to bring them out into the open. Nevertheless, her mouth poured out the next words.

"Which part do you want to know? The one about meeting my manager or the one about the letters?"

She watched Quinn's slender hand sneak across the counter top and squeeze her own. Rachel laid her fork down and sighed, debating with herself to stall or to face up. Before Quinn could answer, because she held on to her hand for comfort, Rachel gathered her courage and started to explain. However, to her own surprise a completely different topic found its way out of her heart.

"My dad came over for a visit, two days ago. He was on a spontaneous business trip." She saw Quinn nod; after all, she had met him on that same evening as well.

"I told you before that I feel like fish out of the water being around them. It is hard, because we had such a good relationship and now I have the feeling that we just drift further and further apart. They are helpless and don't know how to deal with it - partly because I deliberately don't let them, another part is because for whatever reason they just cannot put themselves into my shoes. It gives me the feeling that they don't care enough. That makes me angry, disappointed, hurt and helpless. It makes me feel abandoned. As if now, that I cannot fulfill my dreams – and respectively theirs, I am just not worth the effort."

The last words rode a wave of sadness that came out of the depth of Rachel's heart.

She noted that Quinn wanted to say something but she needed to get this off her chest. She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat and continued.

"I know they mean well and they don't do things deliberately to hurt me, but their carelessness is just so painful. They keep coming up behind me, hugging me, touching me when I told them a hundred times to not do that."

Exasperated she threw her hands up. "Why is that so difficult to understand and to respect? I guess that is what bothers me the most. I feel like they don't respect my wishes. They only care about themselves and their own display of affection, their plan to let me know they still care. But in the process they completely neglect to check if this is really the best for me or if that is what I want or how I want it! And then this letter just pushed it over the top."

Carefully Quinn pulled her hand back, not moving her green orbs that locked onto the brown eyes which were radiating so many emotions.

She wished she could help mend the relationship between her girlfriend and her dads. Maybe some of her insights could help Rachel understand her dads better and vice versa. They had always been so close and it pained her to see that Rachel could not trust them as much as she used to. Quinn knew how hard it was to go through difficult times without your parent's support. Even though she had had friends and their parents that cared, it still was not the same. In certain situations, you just wanted your mom and dad, you wanted the security they usually radiated. You wanted them to make everything all right again. You were willing to fall back into that age where you still believed that your parents were heroes and could just move the earth for you to make it ok again. As much as she loved Rachel, she could not replace her family. And Rachel needed her family. She needed that safety net.

_Rachel, have you ever told them in detail about how you feel? How their behavior makes you feel? I honestly don't think that they want to hurt you. They have known you all your life, they knew exactly how you ticked, they could read you like an open book. Imagine now, all of a sudden, this book has a different cover and is written in another language. They can snatch bits and pieces by learning that new language, but they still don't get the whole story. And every time they try to read, the book only opens a bit. Only leaving a little crack to glimpse the letters inside._

"You are supposed to be on my side," Rachel grumbled and glared at Quinn, who smiled a bit to diffuse the situation.

_Rachel, I am on your side. I see how it hurts you for not being able to connect with your dads on the level you used to. I am trying to make you understand their point of view. And I am grateful to have that insight, because you shared so much with me! You opened up for me, you let me read many of the pages in your book._

"I don't know if I find it flattering to be compared to a book."

That comment made Quinn laugh. _You know what I mean._

"Yes, I do. I actually told them that I would come home for Hanukkah so we could talk. But I am a bit afraid… of what will happen. If anything will change at all, if they understand. Do you know what I mean?"

_Would you like me to come with you? Maybe I can help explain a little,_ Quinn offered.

"You would … come with me? You would stay with me when I talk to them?"

Quinn moved her head up and down with a smile.

"Maybe it really helps them to better understand if you can explain some things from your point of view. You know, from hearing person to hearing person. They can also discuss with you how they feel. I am sure that this might also give them some insights and help." A hopeful spark glittered in Rachel's eyes.

Quinn gave her girlfriend a quick hug.

_Of course I will come with you! I am glad that you decided to have an honest talk about this with them. I know how important they are to you and how much you suffered from that missing connection. Believe me, I know how much you wish for you parents to be there for you in a situation like this._

She let her hands sink into her lap. Rachel had asked her once during the past days how it had been for her not having her parents around during her pregnancy. Of not having the possibility to lean on someone, to have him or her tell you that together you would manage, that you would find a solution. Quinn had answered honestly and explained how she had felt. How this feeling of abandonment was still not completely out of her system. She could understand Rachel in her current situation quite well.

Rachel reached out and cupped her lover's face, slowly pulling her forward until their lips touched. "Thank you, Quinn." She murmured against the soft and full mouth. "Actually, I liked your analogy to a book." And she stole a tender kiss from Quinn, hoping that the topic would be closed. She slowly pulled back and searched her girlfriend's face.

No such luck. Quinn had _that_ look on her face again.

_What about the letters?_

Rachel let out a deep breath and shrugged. "They are from my ENT specialist. They keep asking me to come back. They want to check on my healing process."

She saw that Quinn was patiently waiting for a somewhat elaborate explanation. She did not know what to say. Instead, she just fiddled with her fork and pushed the left over pasta back and forth on her plate.

In her heart, she knew she should talk about it, face this fear and hope. But something held her back. Some inner force seemed to tell her if she voiced it out loud, the spell would be broken and all hope lost. Rachel knew this was ridiculous, just from talking about something did not necessarily mean that something had to happen. So she forced herself to express her thoughts quietly, almost as if talking to herself, her eyes trained on the countertop, tracing the wood pattern on the surface with her forefinger.

"Don't know what healing process they want to check on."

Quinn stayed silent, watching an inner debate taking place in her girlfriend's mind. Even though she did not share the words with Quinn right away, the blond woman could still decipher the emotions that picked their way across Rachel's features.

_Well, are you planning to ever go back for a check-up?_ Quinn then cautiously asked.

"No. What for? So they can tell me that I still can't hear? Thanks, I already know that. God, I just sound like someone from one of those pathetic movies."

Quinn studied her girlfriend, trying to decide if she should ask the next question. She reached out and placed her hand over Rachel's. The brunette looked up.

_Rachel, I don't want to pressure you. It is your choice. But don't you want to know if you are healing? Maybe the progress is not so far that you can notice, but it might be there!_

Rachel pulled her hand back to sign.

_And then what? And what if it is not there? I cannot get my hopes up just for them to be crushed again. I have gone through that twice already. Twice, Quinn! After each operation, hoping, waiting, praying. And then crashing hard on the floor of reality, realizing that it was all for nothing._

Her hands were angrily slapping against each other while signing.

_How great are my chances now to get my hearing back? What do you think? Do you really think that after all this time I still have a chance? I don't, not really. And I cannot waste any more energy on that. I need all my energy and strength to face my life now._ _To find out what to do with it. I'm getting tired of mourning._ _I finally have the feeling I want to move on._

Quinn contemplated her statement.

_Why are they the insisting on seeing you? They must have thought there was some hope, otherwise they would not have operated you a second time and would not urge you to come back._

Rachel watched Quinn with dark eyes. She gave words to her thoughts. This sentence had run through her own mind countless times.

But after the last operation her specialist had also told her something else, something that not even her dads knew about. Something that she did not want to think about.

She would not go. She could not endure the final words of a doctor to tell her that there possibly was no hope anymore. That they had done all they could. She hated to admit it, but the words she had earlier spoken were not quite true. On the one hand, yes, she wanted to move on, but on the other hand, this little, small amount of hope inside her was the token that kept her alive all these months. Hope to hear again one day. She could not voice it. Not yet. She just could not admit that in front of anyone, betraying her own brave words she had thrown at Quinn mere minutes ago. She wanted this discussion to end.

Quinn sensed Rachel's reluctance, but she desperately needed to know what was going on in that head of hers. Though it was obviously a topic that was not easy for her to discuss, which she could understand. She decided to let it drop and let Rachel choose on her own when to take it up again.

_Ok, I can understand where you are coming from. Let us..._

Expecting Quinn to press further on the topic, Rachel interrupted her by smacking her flat palm on the counter top, shooting her an angry glare. Quinn was taken aback. She had not seen Rachel react like this before.

_Rachel, I don't…_ But Quinn had no chance to explain.

"Enough! I'm done discussing!" Rachel jumped up, her chair toppling over. She took a few steps away from Quinn to get some distance between them. Then a thought struck her and she turned around.

_Are you asking me to go to a check-up because you are hoping that I can hear again, that you don't have to be burdened with a deaf girlfriend?_

She furiously signed, but as soon as she saw the color drain from Quinn's face, she regretted her harsh words. Rachel saw Quinn's eyes shimmer with hurt.

The blond woman closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

"That was low, Rachel," Quinn whispered, her voice choked, her signs hardly readable.

_Quinn, I am sorry!_

Quinn did not see her apology. She leaned on her hands, looking down at the table. Then she raised her head.

_Do you think I would go through this whole song and dance of learning ASL, of wearing earplugs to better understand what you are going through if my only motivation was to get a medical opinion that says that you could hear again? That this was the only thing that counted for me? That this was the only condition why I would want you as my girlfriend? Have you not understood that I love you for who you are and not what you are? Hearing or not._

A tearful gaze searched Rachel's face.

_I don't know how else I can show you that I love you just the way your are. I just don't know how Rachel, if all that was not enough._

Quinn slid back her chair and pushed herself up, avoiding further eye contact.

"Quinn, I am sorry." Rachel repeated aloud this time, but it did not reach behind Quinn's hurt.

_Rachel, I need a moment alone._ And she went to the bedroom and closed the door.

Rachel stood rooted to the spot, her eyes on the door that felt like a trapdoor that just had closed over her, leaving her in a very dark, lonely and confined space. She felt her knees grow weak and sat on the floor right where she was, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to still the gut wrenching sobs that found their way up to her throat. She could not think, she could not move. All she could do was feel the fear and hurt that seemed to fill her whole heart.

She slowly rocked back and forth, somehow trying not to break down completely. Because this time there would be no one to catch her. Because the one person she had cared about most, she had pushed away with a spitefulness that had shocked even herself. She might as well have taken a dagger and pierced it through Quinn's heart. She was sure that this would have caused the same pain as her words did.

Rachel absolutely loathed herself at that moment. She hated the meanness that had found its way up, the resentment and the whole fucking deafness that had made her to be such a weak and insecure person.

Why had she uttered those cruel and hurtful words? Why had this vicious little voice in her head which she had had such a good grip on over the past days all of a sudden gained control again? Why had she _let_ it control her again when all she had ever received from Quinn over the past weeks was complete and absolute acceptance? With that last thought, all the love she had been given washed through her again. She held on to it, forcing it to fill every crevice of her body, every fiber until all the doubts were drenched with it and could not hold fort anymore.

.….

Quinn lay on her side on the bed, tears sliding silently down her cheeks, dripping on the blanket below her. She tried to control her breathing, to focus on one breath after the other in order to not drown in that gut wrenching pain that shot through her.

In a way, she could understand where Rachel's comment came from. Even though she had already made progress through meeting friends, going out more, she still had to fight hard every day to accept her loss. Besides Quinn telling and showing her over and over how much she loved and accepted her just the way she was, Rachel herself still had to keep learning to accept _herself_ that way as well.

Nevertheless, the words had stung. Very much. They had knocked the air out of her lungs and Quinn felt as if an iron band had been placed around her chest, squeezing it tight. Of course Quinn would be happy if Rachel could get her hearing back, then she could take up a normal life, maybe even pursue her dreams again. And if she knew how, she would do anything to help her achieve this. But wanting did not necessarily mean she could make it come true.

How could she show Rachel that she loved her more than her own life? Quinn had never thought herself to be capable of loving someone so much. She knew for a long time that she was in love with Rachel, at least since Jenna put words to her confusing feelings. That she would fall even more and deeper in love with this beautiful woman with the mahogany eyes was something that showed her one of the greatest lessons in life.

Genuine and true love could indeed conquer everything. It could overcome doubts, fears, insecurities, hate and shame. Maybe one day Rachel would also see, that love could overcome the greatest hurdle.

Self-depreciation.

It was the most destructive force that existed in a human being. It could be like a black hole that sucked up every light and live around it. She did not want Rachel to fall into that hole, and not for anything in the world would she let her.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glee and its character belong to Fox Networks. I only borrow them for my story.
> 
> Though Carmen and the other new character coming up jumped out of my brain :-)
> 
> So, two more chapters for you her on Archive of our Own! I still have some more pre-written, which I will upload within the next days. Then there will be a bit longer wait for then next updates, cause I'm still in the process of writing :-). 
> 
> Hope you like it so far, and thank you very, very much for the Kudos!

* * *

**Chapter 21**

Quinn got up from the bed, straightened her hair, and took a deep breath. She opened the door and almost ran into Rachel who was poised in the doorway, one hand raised as if wanting to knock.

Both women stood still, only their eyes were moving, roaming each other's face, each of them exuding longing, regret, and hope.

Slowly Rachel let her arm sink. "I'm sorry, Quinn. I truly am. You showed me nothing but love, acceptance, and support all this time. I was wrong to accuse you of such a horrible intention. I feel really bad about what I said to you." All the time she held Quinn's gaze, trying hard not to look away and waver. Quinn really needed to understand how she felt and that she meant every word of what she said.

"You gave me back my self-worth. I've learned to see myself from a different perspective because of you. I learned that if you open yourself up, anything is possible and that I can tackled any obstacle. You offer me an anchor and still you let me venture forward. I feel like you helped me stand and still you don't stand in my way." Rachel looked at her hands for a moment before she continued. "Your love made me grow. It gives me clarity and helps me see beyond my outer layers. I have started to like the picture I see of me reflected in your eyes."

Her words caused the pain in Quinn's eyes to lift, as if dark clouds were chased away by a strong wind. Rachel found herself enfolded into a warm embrace and she did not hesitate to wrap her arms around the other body. She leaned her head against Quinn's shoulder and tightened her embrace. She felt Quinn place a soft kiss on her hair, one hand on the small of her back, pressing Rachel against her taller frame. Quinn's other hand rested between the smaller woman's shoulder blades. Rachel felt that through these two hands, through that loving kiss and the tight embrace, the doubts and fears did not have any chance to re-surface.

The strong arms around her loosened. Rachel lifted her head and gazed into Quinn's beautiful face. She desperately wanted the light back in Quinn's eyes and even though the heavy dark clouds had disappeared, the color of her eyes was still a shade of green that reminded Rachel of a storm shaken forest.

Quinn then slowly drifted backwards and motioned for Rachel to come and sit on the bed with her. Rachel felt her girlfriend's fingers slide along her arm until a hand held hers, and she let herself gently being pulled onto the mattress. She seated herself cross legged in front of Quinn who gave her a shaky smile, apparently still moved by Rachel's words.

_I am sorry that I pushed you into a direction you did not want to go._

Quinn rested her hands for a moment. Rachel noticed that Quinn could not fight back the tears she had so bravely managed to hold until now. Then she watched Quinn's thoughts and feelings being transformed into signs.

_I will let you choose your own pace and not force anything upon you. Just know that I will do whatever it takes to help you grow further and stand up tall._

She paused again to wipe her eyes. Rachel felt her own tears wind their way across her cheeks, one hand of hers rested on Quinn's knee as she watched the other woman's hands move through the air between them.

_Thank you. Thank you for what you said. They… They are the most wonderful, touching and meaningful words anyone has ever told me. It makes me love you so much more, god …_ she took a deep and shuddering breath _… I wish I could tell you how much I love you, Rachel._

With those words, a small smile appeared on Quinn's face, she bent forward, and Rachel felt her place a very soft and gentle kiss on her lips. Instinctively she leaned against the soft flesh, placing her hand on Quinn's neck, losing herself in the tender exchange.

It would have been easy to back out now and leave the whole episode at that. But Rachel knew, she had to tell Quinn the whole truth, she had to be completely honest for Quinn to understand what had made her react in such a way. Even if it meant digging up things that she would like to keep buried for a while longer or never mention at all.

"Quinn, we agreed that we need to be honest with each other and that we need to understand what is going on in each other's heads." The blond woman gave a nod.

"I carried a couple of things in my mind these last days that kept accumulating and when you touched it, it just made me flip." Rachel rubbed her forehead with her right hand, trying to sort her thoughts. "Yesterday wasn't such a good day. It threw me back into my old life, only noticing that it did not exist anymore. I learned how others might perceive my disability and… and it just made me sick. Had I known what would be thrown right into my face, I would have never agreed to go." She let out a short cold laugh.

"I told you I met my former manager. Sharon wrote me an e-mail, asking me how I was and there were things we needed to discuss, which should not be dealt with via e-mail. I did not want to see her. I just didn't get what she wanted from me. When Sharon still insisted on seeing me personally, I finally agreed to a meeting and I asked Carmen to accompany me as an interpreter."

_Did Sharon know about your accident?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I had – well, someone had to tell her at some point. I needed to get all the contracts revoked. She and Melissa were the only ones from my professional field who knew what had happened. It sounds a little paranoid but I made them both sign an agreement that they had to keep silent about my injuries. I would not have been able to stand all the stupid and false headlines with all the drama and fake sympathies should they have made a public announcement. Also, I did not want my colleagues or anyone else from the show business to pity me and then see them turn around and walk back to their lives that I once shared but could not go back to."

Quinn scooted next to her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her waist. Rachel leaned into her and let herself be held for a long moment as she remembered the meeting and then told Quinn what had happened on that day.

…/\ _.…...(Flashback)…../\….._

Carmen had re-arranged her schedule so she could accompany Rachel to her meeting. A couple of days ago, Quinn had confessed to Rachel that she told Carmen about her having been a singer on Broadway before the accident. Rachel had not been angry, in fact, the look on Quinn's face when she came clean about her slip of tongue was so cute and so full of guilt that Rachel just had to kiss her.

The fact that Carmen was now aware of Rachel's history made it easier to ask her to interpret at the meeting. It saved Rachel a long explanation about her own background and what this upcoming meeting had to do with her former career. Now she only needed to fill Carmen in about Sharon's role.

In the cab, on their way to Rachel's former manager, Carmen asked if she was nervous. Out of a habit, Rachel signed in parallel while she spoke with Carmen and vice versa, just as they did during their lessons.

"Yes, I am. I don't know what she wants that could not be discussed via e-mail."

_Well, maybe she would just like to see you in person, Rachel. Maybe she is still worried about you._

"Yeah, well, rather about her contracts, I think."

_Why, are there still any open contract issues?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. I mean any new potential ones. She probably wants to see if I could be used again."

_Used again?_ The young woman watched Carmen give her a questioning look. _That sounds like you were some kind of tool. Isn't that a bit harsh?_

Rachel sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I just … I don't know. You know, I chose Sharon because I knew she was one of the best. She had the best contacts, the best connections. In this business nothing works without 'Vitamin C'. Once you were introduced into this elaborate network and made your standing, you were lucky. The toughest thing though is getting in first. With someone like Sharon, your chances increase immensely to be welcomed into that inner circle." The petite woman let her eyes drift from Carmen's face to the window, watching several cars go by before she turned her attention back to her.

"Sharon could be a bitch if you crossed her on a personal level. Luckily, I was mostly on good terms with her. But just because I was one of the best horses in her stable. It would be a lie to say that she did not earn good money through me." Rachel gave a bitter laugh. "But that's what it's like in this business. Either you perform at your best, or you drop quicker than a bag of stones. It's all about the money and not about the person behind it. And I am guessing that is what this meeting will be about."

She turned her head and looked out of the window again. She wished Quinn were here with her. Her presence would give her comfort and strength. But she had not even told her girlfriend that she would meet her manager, somehow feeling that she had to do this on her own. This meeting brought her closer in touch with her past than anything else during the past months. She was not sure how well she would stomach it. Maybe she had also chosen to not tell Quinn anything about it because she would certainly want to know how it went. And Rachel might need some time to digest it, wanting to choose her own timing for a talk about this topic.

She became aware of a hand on her arm, reluctantly turning her attention back to Carmen.

_Rachel, you always have the choice to turn around. You don't have to do this. Even if we go inside, you can choose to walk out at any moment. Don't forget that you are in charge of you own life, even in such moments, ok?_

Rachel had to let the words sink in before she could answer. "I know. Thank you for reminding me," and she managed a small smile for her teacher. After having met Santana the other day, she now noticed some resemblance between the two women. The black hair, the slender figure, the dark eyes. She would have to ask Quinn if Carmen also reminded her of Santana.

Thinking of her former high school friend made her wonder what she was doing. Would she need an apartment here? What had Quinn said? She currently lived with her relatives. Well, it was nice that they took her in, but Rachel guessed – knowing Santana – that this was only a temporary solution. Staying in New York City and being the independent spirit she was, Santana would probably not be happy living long under her aunt's supervision, especially not at her age. Maybe she and Quinn could help Santana find a place to stay.

The cab stopped at the curb and Rachel was plucked from her musings. She dug out her wallet and paid the fare after reading the amount in the review mirror where the sum was displayed in red digital numbers. She told the driver to keep the change and noticed that he threw her a strange look as if wondering which of the two women now were deaf.

It was strange to enter the familiar building where her former manager had her office. She clamped down the memories that threatened to appear before her inner eye. It would have been easy imagining she was just on her way to sign another contract for the next performance. Rachel shook her head slightly to not head down that road. It would make facing reality just too much harder.

They took the elevator to the sixth floor. Walking down the hallway, Rachel stopped in front of a glass-encased entry. Behind it, one could see a receptionist's desk and some offices to the right and left down a corridor behind the counter. Bracing herself, Rachel breathed deeply and pulled the door open. Apparently, Rose, the former receptionist had retired, as she had planned for the past two years Rachel had known her. Just as well that the new person did not know her. Less to explain.

She bravely walked up to the woman who was sitting like a gatekeeper at the beginning of the hallway behind her huge desk that easily could have fitted two other people without any of them having to worry about space.

When she had the woman's attention, she gave her name and stated whom she was here to see.

"Good morning, I am Rachel Berry and I have an appointment with Mrs. Basont." She tried to pronounce the last name correctly in French, the way Sharon always had insisted on when introducing herself to someone.

Rachel guessed that behind the woman's lip movements were words along the line of "one moment", as she bent her head and glanced at the calendar in front of her. Then she reached for the phone as one of the doors in the back opened. Rachel noticed Sharon step out and the older woman lifted her hand shortly greeting when she saw her. She said something and the receptionist gestured the two waiting women in the direction of the offices.

The tall, grey haired woman held the door open and invited them inside with a gesture.

"Hello Sharon. Good to see you again," Rachel smiled politely. The difference in age and the greying hair gave her a slight motherly touch. Even though Rachel did not let herself be deterred by her appearance. Sharon was one of the toughest businesswomen Rachel knew.

She watched Sharon step closer, as if unsure if she could approach Rachel. Interesting. The brunette had never seen her waver before, she usually was always in control of a situation. Now she seemed to be waiting for Rachel to make the next step. For her benefit, Rachel replaced the polite smile with a genuine one. That seemed to send the right signal as the other woman closed the gap and gave Rachel a quick hug and a warm smile. Then she turned towards Carmen.

"Sharon, this is Carmen Rodalba. She is my… ASL teacher and she will be my interpreter today," Rachel stated cautiously and quietly. At her last words, she saw Sharon's face fall for the tiniest bit, recovering so quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it. Her ex-manager wouldn't expect that she was ok again, or would she? Rachel had the notion that her original gut feeling she had voiced in the cab did seem to be right.

The two other women briefly shook hands and Carmen raised her hands to relay the short exchange to her student.

"Nice to meet you."

Sharon turned back towards Rachel and motioned for them to sit on the couch next to the office door. Rachel chose the offered seat, but Carmen took up the seat next to Sharon. This way she could easily interpret while Rachel had both of them in her view. The former singer noticed that this action earned her a sideways look from the manager, so the interpreter quickly explained why she had chosen this seat. What the older woman then thought about the seating arrangement, she did not let on. Instead she turned her attention back to Rachel.

"Rachel, I am glad you came. I did not want to write any more e-mails. I wanted to see for myself how you were." She quickly glanced at Carmen and waited the short moment until she had relayed her words.

Seeing the dubious look on the young woman's face she added as a way of explanation: "Please don't get me wrong, I have no hidden agenda or any other intentions."

Rachel narrowed her eyes a little, trying to gauge the meaning behind the words. She remembered what Carmen had said in the cab.

_She_ was in control of her life. Whenever she felt uncomfortable, she could chose to go. Or use this situation to her advantage. This thought surprised her. Why did she have the feeling that something was off, that Sharon was not really saying the truth?

She raised her hands. _Carmen, I need your help. Please describe to me how she sounds. She is hard to read and I am not sure…I have a strange feeling._

Instinctively Carmen had not voiced Rachel's signs aloud and also responded in silence.

_Follow your instincts. I know what you mean, but I cannot pinpoint it. Trust your feelings, Rachel._

_Ok. Though I don't feel like talking. I have the feeling of … I don't know, exposing myself._

_Rachel, that is absolutely ok. I'll interpret your signs.  
_

Rachel nodded gratefully, then looked at Sharon and continued signing, while Carmen spoke Rachel's little half lie aloud.

"(I am sorry, Sharon, Carmen needed to repeat something for me, she was a bit fast just now.)"

Sharon nodded at that, apparently slightly confused why Rachel did not speak herself as she had done so just minutes ago. At least that was what Rachel deducted from the short flicker of Sharon's eyes between her hands and Carmen. The former singer wondered if Sharon was aware of her raised eyebrow which also hinted at her lack of understanding. Rachel continued signing, while Carmen spoke the words for her.

"(To be honest, I was wondering why you wanted to see me in person. Just to know how I am? That I could have written to you in an e-mail.)"

Sharon's grey eyes rested on Rachel's features. She did not say anything at first, just kept on looking. Rachel tried not to squirm beneath the scrutiny.

Her life, her control, she reminded herself. Right.

So Rachel studied her back, narrowing her eyes slightly. She noticed again that Sharon seemed uncomfortable. How could that be? This woman possessed one of the strongest self-control mechanisms that Rachel had ever witnessed. Though she was sure that Sharon would not tolerate that feeling for much longer. Something would tip, either way. And just as this last notion had formed itself, Sharon spoke again.

"You know, Rachel, I was always surprised about your performance. As petite as you are, as strong and grand was your voice. Judging by your vocal range and pitch, you should stand a lot taller than the actual size you are," Sharon chuckled.

Rachel only quirked her eyebrow, wondering what this was about and where Sharon was heading. The smile that followed Sharon's chuckle did not reach her eyes and that worried Rachel. Sharon had never been mean to her. Tough, yes, but never mean or unfair. But Rachel had witnessed twice by chance how Sharon could react if someone went against her or angered her in any other way. She was just glad to never have been on the receiving end of those verbal smack downs. Back then she had thought that Sue Sylvester was a tame poodle compared to Sharon Basont.

The younger woman exchanged a quick glance with her teacher. Apparently, Carmen was as uncomfortable with the situation as she was. Rachel narrowed her eyes and studied Sharon again, not saying anything. Instinctively she tried to shield herself from whatever was coming next. She debated whether to just stand up and leave. But her curiosity won the better of her as her former manager continued speaking.

"Well, I guess that's irrelevant now," the older woman sighed. She added an explanation as she noticed Rachel's questioning look.

"You know, people are asking about you. They have not forgotten you. Yet. I know a lot about the little tactics of actors to get attention and play out the drama to make themselves interesting. I can understand all this, you taking time off because of your accident and making a big secret out of it. Don't get me wrong, I am not implying you faked the crash, god, no! But really, don't you think it's about time to come out of your hiding and stop the act?" With the last words, Sharon made a dismissive gesture in Carmen's direction.

"What?" In her astonishment at those words, Rachel was too stunned to sign. Slowly she moved her head in a small shake, disbelief covering her features. "Let me get that straight. You think I am just _pretending_? To make a big come back?"

She was torn between laughter and white hot rage. How could this woman sit there so calmly and accuse her of faking all this? That she had "done" all this just to get more attention in the lime light? Rachel still felt it hard to believe that any person would think of such a hideous thing, let alone Sharon. Rachel did not doubt that there really were singers or actors who had to invent personal drama to place themselves in the hard fought spot light. For whatever reason would she, just when she had snatched the lead role in her all-time favorite musical, pull such a stunt that Sharon accused her of? It was beyond Rachel. If to go by Carmen's raised eyebrows and open stare, she apparently felt the same.

She definitely did not feel like laughing anymore. The rage won over.

"Sharon, do you really think I am _faking_ all this," she made a gesture towards her right ear and then to Carmen, "…to make myself more interesting? Have you any idea what I have been through the past six months? I can't believe what you are implying!"

Rachel held her gaze locked on the grey eyes opposite of her. They betrayed no feelings. None at all. It was so frustrating!

Then Sharon's lips moved again and Rachel had to shift her gaze again a little to the side towards Carmen's hands.

"Rachel, honestly. You come here, play this deaf act, bring an interpreter and yet you sit here and talk to me in your normal voice and ask me to believe that you can't hear what I am saying? In any case I really thought you would have gotten your act together by now. Turns out it does not seem to be. If it's not for the sake of drama and attention, then the only other reason I could think of you playing this ruse is to get out of your contracts with me. You are just probably biting your tongue now so you can come back after a decent amount of time with whoever offered you more money or better conditions or whatever. You know what, I the hell don't care anymore. I don't know how far you want to carry this out, but for me," and she made a sweeping movement with her flat hand away from her body, "this game is over here! I am done with you." She finished with a very quick, cold smile flitting across her face.

Rachel's eyes went wide in disbelief as she read Carmen's translation. She felt her stomache clench, her breath caught in her throat. Rachel had expected many things, but not this. She tried to keep on breathing.  
So that was how it felt to be despised by Sharon Basont. Because it was nothing other she felt in the words, posture, gaze and most probably sound of this woman's voice. She noticed that Sharon wanted to say more, but Rachel stalled her with a raised hand, not leaving Carmen's eyes. She had to reassure herself. It was more to give her hands something other to do than clenching them so hard in her lap that they started hurting. In her heart she knew she had understood correctly.

_Carmen, did she really say this? I am not sure if I got it right._

Carmen hesitated just a moment too long with her answer. Rachel knew that she had not misread the words.

_Yes. She did say it. Word by word. I am sorry Rachel._ The teacher threw her an apologetic smile.

The petite woman held her gaze for a moment longer, then nodded very slowly. She forced herself to hold up a shield, to repel the hurtful words the older woman had thrown at her. She would not give in. She would not break down in front of this woman.

Rachel took a deep breath.

"Do you think this is some kind of game? That I did this to get out of your contracts or just draw more attention to myself with a little drama? What do you want me to do, show you all the hospital records?" Rachel shook her head in disbelief. "Honestly, just because I can still speak, does not necessarily mean I can hear. I have trained my voice for all my life. That is the _only_ reason why I might not 'sound' deaf now. But believe me, I have been told that this will most probably deteriorate over time. I possibly will lose some of my ability to inflect my voice correctly the longer I can't hear. What kind of person are you really, Sharon, to think I would put my life's dream on the line just for one fucking little game of fame?"

Despite her inner force shield, Rachel could barely manage to hold the tears in check. She had not told Quinn what she had just told Sharon. The fact that her intonation might suffer over time was something that was chewing hard inside her. She had not wanted to speak much before, but now with Quinn in her life, she actually enjoyed the little advantage she still had by using her voice and seeing how her girlfriend reacted to it. She did not want to lose this part, too.

Inwardly, Rachel berated herself for having taken bait to the provocation the manager had thrown in front of her. She should have gotten up at the first hint of false play that _that woman_ had displayed. Rachel refused to call her by her name anymore, even in her thoughts. She did not deserve it anymore. Sharon Basont had become a _persona non grata_ to Rachel.

Rachel had not expected an answer nor did she want to get one. She was done. Without preamble, she took her purse, stood, mustered a smile for Carmen and strode out the door.

While exiting the building and all during the cab ride back, Rachel still had to fight hard to hold the emotions back from overwhelming her. She was glad that Carmen did not try to address her. She needed all her strength to continue breathing and biting down the tears that hovered at the rim of her eyes. The car dropped them in front of the Community Center and Carmen pulled Rachel inside her office.

The shield Rachel still had bravely held up her with the last reserve dropped there and Sharon's words that had been hovering just outside her reach then hit full mark. Rachel could not stop them from drilling through her skin. She sank into the chair in front of Carmen's desk and buried her face in her hands, letting go of her resolve.

The dark haired woman knelt in front of Rachel and pressed her head against her shoulder, holding her while she cried.

Carmen was a teacher first and foremost. She only worked as an official interpreter in rare cases. She had agreed to come with Rachel because she was her student and because she truly wanted to support her.

Carmen had watched her finally escape her cocoon and slowly make new friends over the past weeks, gradually fighting her way back into life. She wanted to help in any case for Rachel to broaden her experience. However, no one could have guessed that this meeting would turn out the way it had. It was hard having to witness Rachel to face such viciousness and thoughtlessness. And having to be the one person who had to relay the hurtful words to her one by one. That really pained Carmen. She almost felt like she had said them. Another reason why she did not work more often as an interpreter. She could not detach herself enough from the conversations. It was sometimes too hard.

When Rachel's sobs died down, the teacher grabbed a box of tissues from her desk and held it in front of her.

"Thanks." The small woman wiped her eyes, then balled the tissue in her fist, staring at her lap. With a shaky voice she said: "Thank you for coming with me and for interpreting. I am sorry that I involved you in this very awkward situation, though."

_Oh, Rachel, please don't apologize for that! You couldn't have known that this woman would be such a heartless bitch. This is not our fault, ok?_

Rachel gave her a small nod.

_Come here,_ and Carmen gave her student a hug, before continuing.

_As hard as this is, don't let that throw you back. You have come so far over the past two weeks, I don't want you to fall back into a depressive state. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. If you want to talk about this, come to me or call me on Skype. No matter what the time. Just promise me you won't let that selfish harpy get the better of you._

_You are strong, Rachel. And you will find you way._

Despite herself the former actress had to smile. "Ok." She looked at the clock on the wall. "I think I should get going, I have taken up enough of your time already. Thank you again, for coming with me. See you tomorrow at ten."

Slowly she got up, gathered her things and walked home, longing for her sanctuary. She needed to get back her bearings and for this day she was done with meeting people.

…/\\.../\\...

Rachel shifted her position on the bed and stretched her legs. She took one of Quinn's hands and absentmindedly rubbed her thumb over the back of it.

"Now you know why I was not really in the best of moods yesterday evening when you called me. I was short of not answering your call at all. I just wanted to be left alone, I did not want to have to justify or explain myself anymore."  
She laughed in disbelief. "Of all treatments I have experienced by people since I became deaf, this one was the most humiliating of all. I felt ridiculed beyond means. Just because at a fist glance you cannot always see my kind of disability that does not make it less prominent, at least not for me. Apparently, if you do not act or look or sound according to some people's expectations when having any kind of handicap, you seem to be a fraud." She took a deep breath.

"I mean, I knew that woman could be mean and nasty, but that was just shameless." Rachel felt the anger coming back when she thought of the elder woman's pokerface, bare of emotions. "How can anyone be so … ruthless? She didn't even know all the facts, just jumped to conclusions, this … this…" She failed to come up with a fitting attribute and let out an angry and frustrated: "Ugh!," hitting the mattress with her fist.

Quinn slowly pulled her hand back after squeezing Rachel's shortly and disentangled herself from her. Quinn hurt for Rachel, hurt for her having had to face such callousness. She felt a cold white rage coming to life in her stomach. It was a familiar feeling. Quinn had tried to not act on its impulse anymore over the past years as she so often had done in high school, and she had almost always managed to vanquish it and solve the situation by other means than by lashing out. But now it was welcome and she let it grow inside. She had a target that deserved to be the aim of that anger and hurt.

She saw the disbelief and pain still shimmer in those brown eyes and she desperately wanted to rip Sharon Basont's heart out, had she had one.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Glee and never will. It still belongs to Fox. Though I take the liberty to weave in one or the other character of my own :-).

 

* * *

**Chapter 22**

By the time Rachel had finished telling her about the meeting, Quinn had written "fury" on her forehead. The anger that had risen inside her would not let her sit still anymore. She jumped up and started pacing back and forth in front of the bed, hardly capable of containing her anger. Rachel watched her utter a string of words so fast that her hands struggled to keep up with the tirades of swearwords and insults for Sharon Basont.

"That insensible, incredibly hollow brained woman, that bitch! How dare she talk to you like that? She should lose her hearing and see how she would cope if someone accused her of faking it! I can't believe she really said that, I am going to beat the crap out of her, I swear, Rachel!"

"Quinn, stop!"

"I will talk to my manager and let her know what a stupid ass Sharon is. This will have consequences. I…."

"Quinn, please stop!" The pleading in Rachel's voice finally penetrated the blond woman's shield of wrath.

Rachel watched her with big, brown eyes, a mixture of confusions and sadness on her face.

In all her ranting, Quinn had not paid attention to face Rachel so she had not gotten all of what Quinn was saying, or rather shouting, by the looks of it. But she saw enough to piece together the meaning of her girlfriend's raving. Before Quinn could say anything else, Rachel stretched out her arm in a silent plea for Quinn to join her on the bed.

Apparently, she had vented off enough steam to gather herself and sit down opposite the still somewhat worried Rachel.

"Quinn, please calm down. Let's not waste any more energy on what happened. This is over. It's done with. I had a bad feeling from the beginning, but I went to that meeting nevertheless. Now I know I should have trusted my intuition. But whatever happened, we cannot change it, so let us please not waste any more time with thoughts on that woman."

Quinn eyed Rachel with an incredulous look on her features. This time Quinn kept facing Rachel so she could see her word's translation.

"How can you sit there and be so calm about it? I still think Sharon should be told what a brainless twit she is!" She was too aggravated to just sign in silence and shouted the words aloud as well.

"No, Quinn! You will only hurt yourself with that. She has powerful connections in the business. Don't ruin your career for that. It's enough that she thinks that I'm capable of such foul and lousy play."

"But this bitch, how dare she accuse you of such a thing? How can she think anyone would _pretend_ to be deaf? And how can you not want to show her what a fucking asshole she is? Why do you let her do this with you?" Again Quinn's fingers struggled to keep up with her talking. It was still difficult for her to coordinate her hands and voice at the same time, especially if she was upset.

"Because whatever I do, it will not change her mind. Whatever I do, she will turn it that way that I will still stand as the fool. Honestly, I don't have the energy to fight her, neither do I see a reason for it." Rachel's shoulders slumped a bit. "Let her think what she wants. I for my part know that this is _not_ a game."

Quinn studied Rachel for a moment. Then another thought struck her and she quietly signed it.

_You think this will have repercussions for you?_

Rachel flinched ever so slightly. Barely visible, but for the fraction of a second her eyes flickered down before latching onto Quinn's green orbs again.

"I don't know. It's not like I have been super famous. So what would she gain by it? A small scandal that the press will cover?"

_Don't underestimate yourself. You have built up quite a reputation in the business, despite your relatively young age. I heard the talk. And she said that people still asked about you. You left your mark, Rachel._

"Whatever, it's not like I can change or influence anything, for that matter." Clearly, she did not want to dwell on the topic any further.

Quinn reached out and stroked a strand of chocolate brown hair back behind Rachel's ear that had boldly escaped.

_I will keep an eye and an ear out. If I hear anything – and I mean anything negative being mentioned outside, I will not stay quiet. I will not let this bitch ruin your name._

Rachel contemplated this for a moment, and then sighed, clearly seeing that she could not deter Quinn from her intention. "Fine. But only _if_ something comes up. And _only_ then. And you will talk to me first before going off single handedly. Promise me that."

She stared hard at Quinn, knowing that in her need for justice it could be possible that she would run off into blind action without consulting her first.

_Ok. I promise._

Rachel studied her girlfriend for a long while and then nodded.

Mustering all her courage, she decided to address one other topic. Since she was already at it, she might as well bring the rest out into the open, before she lost the nerve again.

"I am still sorry I reacted so harshly when you asked me about the check-up. Besides the meeting that worked me up, there is also another thing that… that occupies my mind." Collecting her valor, she took a deep breath, still having to start over twice before the words would finally flow out of her mouth.

"I….I wasn't telling the truth," she lowered her gaze, looking at her hands, gulping down another deep breath of air, "…when I said I didn't have any hope. Hope is still in me, like a little flame that cannot be drenched. I wish it would, because it holds me back, it doesn't let me move on. But part of me wishes… wishes so hard…that…I could hear again. At least something. Some noise, some voices, anything. I don't want to be so isolated anymore, feel so disconnected, always depending on someone to interpret, or get out of their ways by writing their thoughts on paper so I can understand."

Rachel took a shuddering breath before continuing with a sad smile.

"But I also know that chances are not that good. That was what the specialists told me after the last operation. My dads don't know that. My doctor just told me and I asked him to keep quiet."

_What do you mean? But they want you back for a check up._ Quinn was confused.

"Yes, they do. Routine, I guess. Though they told me after the last operation that if I didn't notice any change after a couple of weeks, it would most likely … stay that way. And I haven't noticed any change." The last words were barely above a whisper. "God, Quinn, I might stay deaf for the rest of my life and that thought is just so hard to bear. And I don't want any doctor to tell me that. I don't want to know that for a fact. That would make it so… final. But for now I can still harbor this stupid little piece of hope." She let out a desperate laugh. "I know that does not make sense at all."

When Quinn's arms surrounded her, Rachel let the sobs run free again and they hit Quinn's shoulder, while she leaned her head against it. God, she was getting so tired of crying, wondering if she would ever live a couple of days in a row without the floods running down her face.

After a while, Quinn felt Rachel calm down a little and she withdrew one hand to wipe her own eyes. Then she placed a kiss on top of Rachel's head, noticing that her tears had wet her girlfriend's hair a bit. She gently rubbed the spot and had to laugh.

Rachel lifted her head and asked: "What?"

_I drenched your hair. Sorry!_

Rachel touched herself on her head, feeling the few wet hairs and had to chuckle. "Jesus, I think we have to drink in at least a gallon of liquids each day to make up for all the water we've lost through crying."

That made Quinn laugh again.

_See it as a body cleanse. Every day we wash out all the negative things with those tears. It's basically our daily "Clean" program._

Rachel looked into the green eyes that sparkled with laughter and fell in love all over again with the woman in her arms. She could not help herself, but she was lost in Quinn Fabray. Rachel pressed her lips against her girlfriend's still smiling mouth and they shared a deep and tender kiss, tongues gently touching and exploring.

Rachel was sure she could never ever love another person as much as she did Quinn. If someone had told her some years ago that the one person she loved more than her live would be Quinn Fabray, she would not have believed it. Never. And even though Rachel had seen more in that girl than Quinn herself had known to have in herself, it took a long time for these qualities to be freed. Now that the blond woman openly showed them and stood by them, it was impossible not to fall in love with her. Because she was so considerate, so helpful and supportive, understanding and gentle and caring, it let Rachel see herself also in another light.

Rachel shook her head a little. She felt the strong urge to tell Quinn in some way what she felt.

"Can I show you another song?" She asked almost timidly.

Quinn laughed again.

"Why are you laughing?"

Quinn smiled at the face with the quizzical look in front of her. _This is so you!_

"What do you mean?" Rachel could not fathom why that made her girlfriend look so gleeful.

_Rachel, the music is still in you. Independently from how you want to express it. Even if you do not sing yourself. But you see, it is still there, helping you to express yourself in a certain way. In a different way, granted. Though music is still part of you._

"Oh." She had not consciously considered this, but it was true. At least, the music still helped her to express herself a little, even though she had to keep borrowing the voices of others.

"But what if I forget? What, if over time, all the music inside fades away? What will I do then? What if I forget?" A desperate look crossed her features and anchored itself in her eyes.

Quinn gradually reached out and cupped her lover's face with both hands, gazing back into the large, sincere brown eyes. Then, slowly, very slowly, a smile started to spread across her features. And even before Quinn withdrew her hands to sign, Rachel knew what she was going to say.

_Then we will just have to make sure that you don't. We will find a way to keep it alive._

When Rachel looked into those honest hazel eyes, she believed her, again outright astonished how Quinn gave her security and reassurance with just a few words. Though the main message behind those words was always transmitted through her eyes. This gave Rachel an anchor that routed her to the ground and gave her stability as she ventured out into her new world on still somewhat shaky legs.

Slowly she detached herself from Quinn and searched on her laptop for the song she had in mind. It was a song from a German band Rachel had heard when one of her colleagues sang it in their dressing room one evening. At her request, she let Rachel listen to the original song on her MP3 player and even translated it for her. The petite woman asked to listen to it three more times until they had to take their positions on stage. She was so smitten with the song that Anna brought her the original CD the next day and gave it to her as a gift.

Rachel handed Quinn a translation of the lyrics. She had written them some time ago with silver ink on a dark red sheet of paper.

The blond woman's eyes flew over the page, softening more with each line. Finally, she lifted her gaze again, eyes speaking for themselves how touched she was by those words.

_This is so beautiful, Rachel. Can I keep this?_

Rachel nodded with a shy smile.

After clicking on play, she wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist and leaned her head against her shoulder.

_**Ja (Yes*)** _

_Ich bin verloren in deiner Mitte (I'm lost in the midst of you)_   
_machst mich zum Kämpfer ohne Visier (you turn me into a fighter without a visor)_   
_Alles gedreht, Sinne wie benebelt (Everything's turned, my senses are reeling)_   
_Ich bin so heillos betrunken von dir (I'm so hopelessly intoxicated by you)_

_Du wärmst mich auf, mit deinem Wesen (You warm me with your essence)_   
_und lässt nicht einen Zentimeter unverschont (and you don't leave one centimeter untouched)_   
_Du flutest alle meine Decks mit Hoffnung (You flood all my decks with hope)_   
_auf ein echtes Leben vor dem Tod (for a genuinely real life before death)_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you)_   
_Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)_   
_Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)_   
_jeden Tag (every day)_   
_und ja du spiegelst mich (and yes, you mirror me)_   
_und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)_

Midway through the song Quinn started moving in a dance, swaying them both back and forth very slowly, their bodies joined in unison to the music. As hardly perceptible as their dance moves were, it bathed them in an intimate connection where both women lost every sense of their surroundings. Even though Rachel could not hear the music, she let herself be swept away by the sensual movements.

_Es ist noch immer so schwer zu glauben (It still isn't always so easy to believe)_   
_wie du die meisten meiner Fehler übersiehst (how you look past most of my faults)_   
_Du erdest jeden meiner Gedanken …(You ground each of my thoughts)_   
_verleihst Flügel wenn Zweifel überwiegt (lend your wings when doubts prevail)_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you_   
_Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)_   
_Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)_   
_jeden Tag (every day)_   
_und ja du spiegelst mich (and yes, you mirror me)_   
_und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)_

_Ja zu jedem Tag mit dir (Yes to every day with you)_   
_Ja zu jedem deiner Fehler (yes to every fault you have)_   
_Asche und Gold, ich trag alles mit dir (Ashes and gold, I'll shoulder it all with you)_   
_Denn ich bin und bleib verloren ('cause I am and will remain lost)_   
_in deiner Mitte, (in your midst)_   
_in deiner Mitte (in your midst)_   
_bis der Vorhang fällt ('til the curtain falls)_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you)_   
_Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)_   
_Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)_   
_jeden Tag (every day)_   
_und ja ich liebe dich (and yes, I love you)_   
_und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)_

As the song ended, Quinn danced them towards the desk and pressed the auto repeat button, not wanting this moment to end. Rachel smiled at her action and snuggled back into the arms that were only made to hold her. She knew the effect that the song had on her the first time she heard it. Being single at that time, it made her yearn for someone to hold while listening to it. It was overwhelming to realize that she had finally found the kind of love the song described.

The female singer's sensuous voice filled the room again and Quinn thought she was the luckiest woman on earth to have someone like Rachel in her arms, being able to love her and be loved back. The song had a beautiful instrumental part at the end that touched her almost more than the actual lyrics. The slow beat of the drums seemed to mirror her heartbeat as she held Rachel so close, inhaled her scent and felt the tingles race up and down her skin. Each line of that song seemed to be true as she felt every part of her body ache for Rachel's touch, longing to feel her skin under her fingers.

Rachel lifted her head and gazed at Quinn. She drank in the view as Quinn had her eyes closed, wearing an expression of sensual arousal.

That view was more than alluring to Rachel. Quinn opened her eyes and unerringly met the brown irises looking up at her.

In a bold move, she scoped up the smaller woman in her arms. Rachel let out a gasp of surprise and quickly linked her arms around Quinn's neck. She let herself be lowered gently on to the couch, where Quinn slowly lifted her shirt and started placing little kisses on her exposed skin, causing Rachel to moan softly. This small sound turned Quinn even more on. God, she never knew that a voice could do that to her. But hearing Rachel omit these small sounds of pleasure was better than music to her ear. She stopped abruptly and looked up.

"What?" there was a slight desperate sound to Rachel's voice, disappointed that Quinn stopped her advances.

_I am being selfish_ , Quinn stated bashfully.

Rachel propped herself up on her elbows, clearly confused.

"Why?" If someone was selfish, it was she, lying on the couch and thoroughly enjoying Quinn's affections.

_Because I hear you making these incredible little noises with your voice and I keep on listening to that beautiful music and … and you can't._

"But Quinn, I started this song." Rachel skipped over the first part of Quinn's sentence. "Why do _you_ feel bad about it now?"

_Because I remembered what you told me earlier. How you so badly wanted to hear again. And I sit here and enjoy …. And you… and_ … Failing to find the right words Quinn dropped her hands.

Rachel sat up and faced her girlfriend, noting the pain in her green eyes. "Quinn. I appreciate the thought. As much as I wish I could also hear that song, I can't. And yes, the more I dwelled on it just now, the harder it gets to bear. But it does not change anything. And you tearing yourself apart over it won't help either." She reached out and pulled her closer, resting her forehead against Quinn's.

"Let's not have any more drama today, ok? I could use a little distraction. Can we go back to what we were doing just now? Me, lying on the couch and you kissing every part of my body?"

After a moment, she felt Quinn nod against her head. Then Rachel sensed her lips on her own as Quinn gently pushed her back on the couch with that kiss.

Quinn took in the sight of her girlfriend sprawled on the couch; her luminous chocolate colored eyes fixed on her face, following her every movement while she continued kissing her way across the tanned skin of her belly. God, she was so in love with this woman.

The music was still playing in the background and Quinn tried to transmit every single note she heard through her kisses and caresses, slowly taking them into the night.

…

The next morning, Quinn reluctantly got up to drive to her rehearsal. Luckily, it was only a short session and she had the afternoon off. Rachel was still asleep and she did not want to wake her. Gently she placed a kiss on her cheek and trailed her hand over the naked shoulder that poked out from under the covers. She wanted to stay so much, slip under the covers and feel every inch of Rachel's skin on her own. Slowly she tore herself away from the view. Temptation was nudging her to take a picture of her sleeping beauty with the dark, tousled hair, so she could take her with her.

Just as she closed the apartment, her phone rang. While walking down the hallway, she plucked it out of her bag. Who was such an early morning person to call her at that hour? It was only seven a.m.. She threw a glance at the display and answered.

"Hi Santana."

"Q, we need to talk," Santana answered without preamble.

"Well, a good morning to you too and no, you did not wake me, thank you for your concern. What do we need to talk about?" Quinn was curious..

"Rachel."

When nothing further in terms of an explanation came from the Latina's side, Quinn prompted her: "Why?" Cautiousness was creeping into her tone, wondering what the hell that was all about.

"Q, I still… listen, this… you could have told me. I can't stop thinking about it."

"Told you what exactly?" Quinn was confused. She stepped outside the building and waved at a passing cab.

"About Rachel's new haircut, duh, whaddaya think? I mean her having had a freaking accident that left her deaf. Honestly, a little warning would have been nice."

Quinn got into the waiting taxi and told the driver her home address. She had forgotten to bring a change of clothes the day before which annoyed her immensely, because she had to make the detour that cost her precious minutes more on bed with her girlfriend.

Turning back to her friend on the phone she asked: "A warning? What is she, some kind of danger? It was not planned that Rachel would run into us. She was as shocked to see you as you were to see her. It was just a coincidence that you met each other on that day. Then again they say that coincidences do not exist, that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it just had to be. Besides, it was not my call, Santana. It is solely Rachel's choice to tell somebody about it or not."

"Look, Q.I can understand that you are protective of her. But…"

"No Santana, no 'but'! I won't patronize her. And that includes telling other people about her accident. She has her own reasons to not want it to become public and I respect that. She didn't even want to tell me when we first met. Can't you imagine how it must be for her if other people, especially people who knew her from before, see her now?"

"Ok, I … I am sorry, I did not want to upset you. I can imagine that this whole thing must be so fucking hard for her. I mean, how does she cope?"

"Santana, why don't you ask her that yourself?"

"Yeah, and how am I supposed to talk to her? I don't know how to do this… sign language stuff."

"Well, we communicated through writing in the beginning. Remember, Rachel told you about it."

"Right."

Quinn heard Santana huff on her side of the phone.

"Ok, Santana, spill. What's the deal here? I did not think that it was superficial Santana bullshit when you told Rachel that you would like to meet her again. Or was I wrong? Because that is not what she needs, more people who will tell her fucking trash and lies. She's just had a shitload of that and I am that close to killing one particular person." Quinn had talked herself into a rage.

"Whoa, Q. Calm down. Whatever happened with that other person, _I_ don't plan on hurting Rachel, ok?"

"Ugh!" Quinn clenched her phone harder just at the thought of Rachel's recount from the day before. She was not sure if she should tell Santana, but then opted to do it. She needed to tell someone, it was her pain as well. So she repeated what Rachel had told her about Sharon Basont and when she finished, she could literally see the fumes that Santana emitted coming out of loudspeaker of her phone.

"WHAT!?" Quinn quickly held her mobile a good ways away from her ear, lest she also wanted to go deaf from her friends screaming. Even then she could still hear every single word the Latina hatefully threw through the line. When Santana apparently had blown off enough of her first rage, the blond woman cautiously placed her phone against her ear again.

"Is it safe to hold the phone close again or are you going for a second round of ranting?"

"Quinn, this fucking bitch, how dare she say something like that? This woman needs to be taken down, honestly! How did Rachel take it?"

"Well, as you can imagine she was quite dismayed by this. I think it really brought her down. She just told me about it yesterday, but I had talked to her on that evening after it happened and she was quite sad and exhausted. But listen, she made me swear that I would not start a war against that bitch. As long as there is nothing out in the press, she does not want me to act against her. And neither will you!"

"Quinn, c'mon, that can't be true, even Rachel Berry has to have a limit as to how much she can take. Even after telling her into her face such fucking bullshit and blatant lies she would not want to justify herself? We cannot accept that, Q. No way!"

"'We', Santanta?" Quinn asked with a half-smile.

"Yeah, well, you know what I mean. I kinda started to like Rachel in our senior year. She gave me a picture of herself and I even pinned on my locker door," she confessed before continuing. "And now I … I don't know, I somehow see her in a totally different way – nothing bad, don't get all worked up, I mean in a good way and she is your girlfriend, and that brings me also closer to her."

"Uhu, is that is just some twisted Lopez logic saying, she's my friend and I wanna cover her ass? I get it. However, don't go off on Sharon Basont, no matter what you hear or see without talking to me first! Nevertheless keep your ears and eyes open, maybe you hear something through your high strung VIP clients whose butts you're kicking," Quinn told Santana, almost falling back into her old cheerios captain mode. She noticing how her pulse quickened again at the worry of Sharon planning anything to ruin Rachel's name out of her perverse need to show the world she had the last word and no one toyed with her. Even though the manager was too blind in her self-righteousness to recognize truth from lies.

"Fine. I will stay back. For now," Santana complied and she heard Quinn take a deep breath to calm herself.

"Ok, sorry I snapped at you earlier, Santana" Quinn paused for a moment, steering herself away from this aggravating topic. She turned back to their earlier subject of conversation, hoping to find the right words to convince Santana not only to be a friend behind Rachel's back, fighting for her rights, but also to honestly tell her so in person.

"Santana, don't be afraid to talk to Rachel. Approach her honestly and tell her about your insecurity. This way she can at least understand how you stand towards her. I noticed it works best to openly ask her things. It's not like her deafness is something you can ignore, Santana. So if you want to arrange yourself with it somehow, talk to her about it. Believe me, she prefers open honesty compared to feigned ignorance or pretense that nothing is wrong and all is as it was before. Because it isn't."

Santana was silent.

"What's wrong? You seemed ok with it yesterday. What happened between then and now that you are so evasive? You offer to cover her back and fight for her justice but you still are afraid to speak to her directly?"

"I don't know. I guess it shocked me more than I thought. Through a freaking accident she suddenly lost everything she ever lived for, god that really scared me."

"Ah, now we are getting somewhere."

"Yeah, I mean, don't tell me you have not thought about how quickly life can change. One second you are on top and whooof, the next you're picking up the shards of your shattered life."

Quick displayed a little smile, unseen by Santana.

"Believe me, Santana, _I_ know. One of the reasons why I finally sat down the other night to call you. But you know, that is just how life goes. You probably cannot always win. Then again, that depends on what you define as your prize. Rachel told me the other day that if she had not had that accident, we probably never would have met. Most likely I would still be secretly following her on the internet like a maniac stalker while she would still be wondering what happened to me. But no matter how hopeless her current situation seemed, we found each other through all of it. Even though she lost a lot on one side, she - we," she corrected herself, "also gained a lot on the other."

"And how do you cope with it, with her deafness, I mean? Didn't it shock you when you found out? I don't know if I could have reacted the way you did. That was kinda brave, Q, what Rachel told me. I was quite impressed, to be honest."

"Yes it did throw me completely off balance. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under my feet, but at that moment I did not just think about me or what it meant for me. I only thought about Rachel, I only saw her. The one person that was so important in my life and I was so determined to not let her slip away. She experienced such a life-shattering event and for all the years I had ignored her, I instantly knew that I could not run any further. That I had to face everything and that I had to show her that I would be there. No matter what. No more running. And yes, it hurts to know that her dream is lost to her, that all she has lived for is gone. She has to start all over again. But there is something in her that drives her. And I want to help her find it and a new path in her life, wherever it will lead."

Santana digested the words for a moment. "Yeah, I get that. I mean, she really surprised me. I would have freaked out in her situation. But then she came up to me and asked _me_ if I was ok, that really got to me."

Quinn chuckled. "Yes, she surprised me with some of her reactions as well." And she proceeded to tell her friend about her e-mail with the song text she accidentally sent to Rachel and how she reacted to it.

"Wow Quinn, you would have deserved a beating for that one," Santana huffed. "I probably would have whacked you senseless."

"That's why I am with Rachel and not you. She is not so much into whacking people like others," Quinn retorted smugly.

Santana chose to ignore that comment.

"I always knew she had drive. But this whole thing, made her… I don't know. I see her with different eyes. It somehow seems to make her grow even more."

"Santana, why don't you tell her that. I am sure she would be glad to know how she is seen through somebody else's eyes. She already knows I love her, but to hear something positive from you would probably make her happy."

"Yeah, maybe you are right. I'll think about it, ok Quinn? And don't worry, I am not going to do anything to hurt her."

Quinn smiled. "Good to hear that, otherwise we would have one of our famous cat fights. Only this time I would whack _you_ senseless, as you so nicely put it."

"Uh, now I am scared," Santana retorted.

"You better be!" Quinn laughed. "Well, I have to go. Let's check later if we can get together again soon, ok?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. Have a nice day, Q. And tell Rachel I said hi."

"Ok, I will. Bye."

Quinn dropped her phone in her purse and got her wallet out to pay. Santana was one of a kind, she had to admit. But once you got her to show you her true self, you gained an invaluable friend in her who would walk through fire for you. It would be nice to know that Rachel had someone like that besides her and Kurt.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*Song "Ja" (Yes) by Silbermond, translation partly provided by brightswan on lyricstranslation . com)
> 
> Coco: the "Clean" program is for you :-)
> 
> TheIrishGilmore: Thanks for the great discussion we had. It gave me a little more clarity and took the pressure off!
> 
> Nicole, again thanks for always giving me quick feedback, even though you are still writing on your own story (check out her 'For Always' Faberry story, it has a great AU setting!)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter ever. At least in this story :-).
> 
> Rated M.
> 
> Standard disclaimer for Glee. Jenna though is my invention.

 

* * *

**Chapter 23**

Later that Friday morning, Rachel sat on her couch after Quinn had left for her concert rehearsal. Unfortunately, she was still asleep then, she would have preferred to personally say good-bye to her girlfriend. But the little love note she found on her pillow when she woke up was a small consolation at least. Luckily, Quinn would only have to work on two songs today and would be free again later. They had agreed to meet at Quinn's apartment for a change.

On a spontaneous notion, Quinn sent a text to Rachel asking if she would mind if Santana came over for dinner. She felt that after her early morning call it would be a nice idea somehow. She had not said anything to Santana yet, first wanting to check if Rachel would be ok with it.

At first Rachel had hesitated, then decided that it would actually be quite nice to have dinner in this constellation.

Another idea popped into her mind. She fished out her phone.

_Hey Kurt, what are you up to tonight? Santana is in New York and we want to invite her for dinner at Quinn's house at 7 pm._   
_It would be so nice if you came as well. If Blaine's free, he's also welcome of course._   
_Rachel_

She wavered. Did she really want to have so many people around her? Even though she knew them and really would like to have a nice get together with her old friends, she was afraid of what it would do to her. Could she still enjoy their company while not having the benefit of joining their conversations, at least not the way she was used to? After all, what do you do during a dinner besides eating? You talk, exchange stories, discuss, tell jokes. All of which required someone to interpret for her if she wanted to participate in the discussions.

_Rachel, give yourself a chance. Give them a chance,_ her heart piped up.

Besides, she could not ask of Quinn to stay reclusive with her for the rest of her life, spending the nights like an old couple on the couch. Ok, remembering the last evenings and how much pleasure and fun one could have on a couch – or in bed, for that matter – was not such a bad prospect. Still, she also had to grant Quinn some access to her friends and acquaintances. She was not sure how close she was with Kurt and Blaine, but she doubted they had seen each other much. It might be quite nice for Quinn to catch up with them. After all, she had mentioned that she would like to meet him again.

Rachel asked her girlfriend if it was all right to invite two more people, namely their two former Glee clubbers.

The answer came back promptly.

_Sure, if that is ok with you, I'd be happy to see Kurt and Blaine again._   
_We just have to increase our shopping list for tonight then :-)_   
_Just thinking… would you mind if I also invited one of my friends from Yale? I think she would fit nicely into our round._

Before answering, Rachel sent off her previously written message to Kurt. Then she typed her response to Quinn.

_I guess one person more or less won't really tip the scale :-). Who is this mysterious person you'd like to invite?_

_Her name is Jenna, I mentioned her the other day. She's the one I talked to about us.  
Jenna was the one that pushed me in the right direction in regards to my feelings for you :-)_

_Aha, I remember. Didn't I say that this Jenna was a smart person?  
I think I would like to get to know her._

Rachel typed bravely, not really knowing how she would survive the evening with so many people around, and even a stranger she had not gotten to know yet. Her insecurities about social gatherings threatened to overwhelm her again, but she tried not to dwell on them. The distraction of another message from her favorite blonde helped.

_Oh good! She'll be happy to know. She has been bugging me when I would finally introduce you to her!_   
_Though I have to admit, she is kind of your fan._   
_She was so enthusiastic about having seen you in two of your shows and how great she thought you were._

Rachel swallowed when she read that, having no idea how to react to that. Her phone buzzed again.

_Oh god, I should not have said that. She made me swear to never tell you!_

Rachel had to grin at that revelation and quickly typed her answer.

_Quinn, something tells me you are not so good in keeping secrets.  
Remind me to never ever tell you anything compromising about myself!_

_Uh, ok, good. I'll remind you should anything come up ;-)._   
_Gotta go, break is over, two more hours till we see each other, yay!_   
_Kiss and hug!_   
_Quinn_

The brunette's phone vibrated another time to alert her to two more messages.

_Hi Rachel!_   
_We'd looooove to come! Turns out we have a free Friday! So Blaine would join us as well._   
_How are you, is everything ok in the R & Q world? :-)_   
_Happy to see you tonite!_

The second one was from Kurt as well.

_And don't worry, you'll be fine, Rachel! You have two people to interpret for you!_   
_Quinn and I will help you through this together._   
_Relax, ok?_   
_Kurt_

Rachel was touched by the encouragement from her friend. He seemed to understand how torn she felt regarding the evening. The motivating words indeed calmed her a bit. So she quickly sent her response.

_Thanks for the small prep talk. Glad you'll come._   
_See you later!_   
_Rachel_

Then she got a piece of paper from her desk and jotted down the shopping list.

….

Later, shortly after lunch, Quinn and Rachel met at the supermarket close to Quinn's apartment. Embraced for a long moment and stole a quick kiss from each other. Rachel dug out the list from her bag and showed her girlfriend her suggestions for dinner. Quinn agreed and they weaved their way through the aisles. They added few more things into their shopping cart and then made their way home, each of them carrying four bags.

Upon entering Quinn's apartment and placing the bags on the counter with a sigh of relief, Rachel was fascinated again by the picture of the angel in the living room. She remembered that she had never gotten an answer to her question where Quinn got the painting from and so she asked again.

_It's from the wife of a colleague of mine. She mostly paints angels in all different scenes. She also has one of two female angels facing each other, quite breathtaking._

"It's really beautiful. I don't want to look away."

Quinn chuckled and stood right in front of Rachel to hide the picture from her view.

Her girlfriend smiled up at her. "Oh, even better. That angel is at least alive, and," she pecked her lips "I can kiss her."

_Good, otherwise I would have to get jealous over a painting!_

"Yeah right, Quinn Fabray, as if I would chose you over some art."

_You never know!_

The smaller woman punched Quinn lightly on the arm. "Let's get the table ready and start preparing the food."

_Yes Ma'am!_ Saluting to Rachel, Quinn marched off in the direction of the kitchen where they had deposited the groceries.

They set and decorated the table together and fixed the lasagna so it just had to be baked in the oven later. They prepared one with meat and another vegan one. Rachel was sure she was probably the only one eating the latter, but that was ok. More for her.

Once the meals were prepared, they both shared the bathroom to get ready. It was a good thing that they still had a couple of hours before the guest would arrive, because taking a shower together did of course not help in getting ready quickly. They took a rather long time kissing, touching and enjoying each other. In between kisses, they used a nice, soft sponge to spread the shower gel across each other's skin until everything was covered in a nice smelling lather. After that, each inch had to be cleaned again with absolute tender and care. Quinn never knew that taking a shower with someone could be such a turn on and when they were toweling each other dry, she was hard pressed to jump back in and cool off a little. She noticed that Rachel was in the same state of arousal as was she, so she took her towel and slowly and teasingly started to dab at each little droplet that still lingered on the smaller woman's skin. Carefully Quinn worked herself down until she knelt before her girlfriend. Then she embraced Rachel's legs with one arm, pulling her a bit closer. Rachel laughed and had to steady herself with both hands on Quinn's shoulders.

"What are you doing?" She asked with an astonished smile.

Quinn did not respond, she continued her slow drying job with her free hand. Once she was done, she let the towel drop and focused on the view before her. Gently she let her hand glide across the soft stomach, while the other tenderly squeezed and massaged her girlfriend's butt. That caused Rachel to moan softly and Quinn felt goose bumps rise on her arms at that sound. Then she flicked her tongue out and licked at the little nub that already throbbed with pleasure at the juncture of Rachel's legs. The brunette let out a gasp at the touch and blindly reached behind her to place her hand against the shower door for support.

"God, Quinn," she let out under her breath and moaned again while Quinn intensified her play with her tongue. Rachel spread her legs apart a little to give the other woman a better access, which she promptly took advantage of, softly probing Rachel's folds with one of her fingers. She felt the wetness there and let her finger slide a bit deeper while still teasing the little throbbing core. She felt one hand on her head, pressing her against the other woman's body. "Quinn," Rachel panted breathlessly, "I want to feel you inside of me. Now." And Quinn was more than happy to oblige. She carefully added a second finger and slowly thrust them deeper, only to pull them back again.

It drove Rachel sheer nuts. She bit her lips and suppressed a gasp. Quinn repeated the motion with her hand. Rachel's grip on the shower stall tightened all the while trying to not press Quinn's head too hard against her. She needed her girlfriend to breath, this at least she still realized in her intoxicated state of pure and utter arousal. When the blond woman intensified her movements even more, Rachel lost it completely. It did not take her long to reach her climax with Quinn's last flick of her tongue and she let out a long carnal sound of pure pleasure. Her fingers curled around Quinn's hair, trying desperately in her inebriated state not to pull too hard on the blond strands.

As the final wave of pleasure had ebbed away, Rachel weakly collapsed against the shower. Quinn raised herself off the floor and enveloped her girlfriend in a hug to steady her. She held her until she felt her breathing even out a bit. Then big, luminous brown eyes looked up at her, begging her close. So she inclined her head a little and let her own lips be captured by Rachel's. No further words were needed. The kiss told her everything. After a moment, they pulled apart and made their way into the bedroom where Quinn was treated to the same pleasure she had just served Rachel. As she had already been ready to go off while pleasing Rachel, she did not need much stimulation to reach her peak.

Afterwards they laid in each other's arms, gently touching each other, kissing and cuddling until both were ready for a second round.

When they finally rested completely sedated under Quinn's blanket, neither woman felt like ever getting up again. But the clock on the nightstand urged them to jump under the shower again, very quickly this time and get ready for the evening.

When watching her girlfriend get dressed, Quinn was actually surprised that Rachel was not wearing as many skirts as she used to in high school. At that time, it was hardly possible to see her wearing pants. Now jeans seemed to be the usual dress code for her. When asked about it, Rachel answered that she did not want to feel so exposed and that she did not really want to draw any attention to herself, especially now.

She had made an exception for this evening though. Maybe because she knew most of the people she would meet and felt vaguely secure, at least when it came to her outfit. She was clad in an olive green skirt, a white low cut blouse which tempted Quinn more than once to shift her gaze from Rachel's face two stories lower. She had tied up her long brown mane in a loose bun at the nape of her neck. Some strands fell in soft waves around her face. Rachel looked absolutely gorgeous and Quinn would have liked to devour her again right then and there.

"Miss Fabray, please contain yourself. I am not sure our guests will appreciate you drooling all over me during the evening." Only then did Quinn notice the brown eyes resting on her, observing her with a hint of amusement. She exhaled slowly.

_You just look stunning. I can't take my eyes off you. You'll have to sit next to me later, otherwise I will not be able to look anyone else in the eye if I have you in my direct view._

"Haha, I am not sure you'd be able to even look _me_ in the eye, seeing how your eyes keep on dropping down to my chest."

_Can't help it. At least, sitting next to you I'll get to touch you under the table at least,_ Quinn added slyly, leaning close, murmuring under her breath: "God, so beautiful," before placed her lips on Rachel's, savoring her softness.

A warm feeling spread inside Rachel's chest. Quinn's eyes told her that she meant every word she had said. It was an absolutely wonderful and still astonishing feeling to be the object of desire of someone as beautiful as Quinn.

"Mmmm, you don't look half-bad yourself, Quinn," she then teased her girlfriend. "No, in fact you are absolutely lovely," and she let a hand weave loosely through the blond hair that fell down to her shoulder blades in a natural wave. The taller woman wore grey pants and a short-sleeved navy blue colored blouse that was a wonderful dark contrast to her light colored hair.

They sealed their compliments with a short kiss before Rachel pulled back.

"I wanted to ask you something before all the other guests arrive. Would it not be better if Santana moved into one of your two spare guest rooms until she is settled in her job and found a new apartment? This way you could spend some more time with her and she would not have to worry about disturbing her family. I can imagine that it is not the happiest arrangement for her."

That statement earned her an astonished look from Quinn.

_And what about disturbing us?_ She wiggled her eyebrows at Rachel which made her laugh.

"Well, we still have my apartment as refuge where we are undisturbed and it won't be forever. Even when we stay here, it's not like Santana is the demurest person on earth. I don't think she'd have a problem with us, you know… I mean…I don't mean…" Rachel felt the color rise in her face, even more so when Quinn started outright laughing.

_Oh Rachel, you are really cute, you know that? I know what you mean. Well. Let's ask her tonight and then we can discuss the details. Or rather not. Not those kind of details, I mean_. Now it was Quinn's turn to flush slightly.

Rachel pressed her lips against Quinn's and effectively defused the situation. Though when pulling apart, both women were still grinning sheepishly.

"Let's focus on getting ready and put the lasagnas into the oven. That will hopefully steer us clear of any compromising topics for now."

_Sensible suggestion, darling_.

Quinn snugged an arm around Rachel's shoulder as they ambled away from the painting over to the kitchen area.

Half an hour later, the doorbell rang as the enticing aroma of the baked lasagna wafted through the apartment and they greeted the first guests. Kurt sniffed, appreciating the nice smell before he threw his arms around Rachel and they squeezed each other really hard, which made Rachel laugh. "Let me breath, Kurt!"

He took a small step back, spread Rachel's arms and took in her outfit. Letting go of her hands he commented: _You look very nice, Rachel. Elegant hairdo._

"Thanks!"

Then he made his way over to Quinn, both had not seen each other for almost two years. Last time, they had run into each other by chance on a home visit in Lima.

"I am happy to see you again, Kurt!" Quinn gave him a heartfelt hug. "I am glad you could make it on such a short notice."

"Yes, thank you for the invitation!" With this, he turned to Rachel who could read his signs in parallel. She answered with a warm smile.

"You are more than welcome!"

Next, Blaine stepped inside and gave Rachel a tentative hug.

"Hi Blaine, great to see you again," Rachel beamed at him. He took a breath and wanted to say something, unsure of how to address her. As Kurt and Quinn were still greeting each other, his gaze wavered between them and Rachel, momentarily unsure of what to do. To her own surprise, Rachel stayed relatively calm. She pointed at the little shelf to Blaine's left where a small white board hung. "You can use that if you want to tell me something."

Blaine smiled faintly and took it off the hook, quickly scribbling something on it.

_Hi Rachel, I am glad to see you again. I'm_ …He did not manage to write more as Quinn came up to him and a little relieved he turned to greet her, handing the board to Rachel.

When they finished hugging, Rachel addressed Blaine again, pointing at his unfinished sentence. "Did you want to say something else?"

"Oh, sorry, did I interrupt you two?" Quinn asked.

Blaine just shook his head and made a dismissive gesture. "Nah, it's not important." Kurt interpreted and Rachel could not help but feel a bit brushed off, but did not want anyone to notice and followed the group into the living room.

Next, Santana arrived and neither Quinn nor Rachel had told her about the additional guests. She was genuinely and positively surprised and happily hugged her two former high school friends. When she saw the plates on the table, she figured: "So, one more guest, huh?"

Quinn nodded. "Yes, a friend from Yale is also joining us. Jenna, I am sure I told you about her."

Rachel thought that Santana looked a bit relieved. Curious. Had she expected someone else?

"Right. I remember vaguely."

Quinn moved behind the kitchen counter and busied herself, putting the salad in a big bowl, mixing it with the dressing. She turned and caught Rachel's attention who stood closest to the door.

_The doorbell just rang. Probably Jenna, can you open the door?_

Her girlfriend nodded and turned towards the entrance.

Quinn had watched Rachel closely as she herself was busy preparing the rest of the food. She did not want her to feel excluded and was glad that Kurt accompanied his and Blaine's conversation with Santana with signs.

When Rachel pulled the door open, she found a woman a little smaller than herself standing outside. With her dark red hair and green eyes, Rachel pegged her as the Irish type. She stepped aside to let her enter.

"Hi, you must be Jenna. I'm Rachel."

Jenna smiled and bobbed her head.

"Yes, hi, I am so glad to finally meet you! I'm such a fan of you, I mean, I was.. I … god, I am sorry, I keep blabbering and… "

Rachel had to laugh at the flushed face in front of her, wondering if she ever took a breath, because her mouth kept moving at high speed. Luckily, Kurt had the good grace to step over and sign when he noticed the new arrival.

"It's ok. Why don't you take off your jacket and we introduce you to the rest?" Rachel suggested to the younger woman.

"Ok, good idea." That did not require a translation as it was easy to read from the nicely curved lips. Rachel hung Jenna's jacket in the wardrobe and turned back towards her former NYADA fellow and the newest guest.

"This is Kurt, a good old friend and high school Glee club member. Kurt, this is Jenna, a friend of Quinn's from Yale."

The two exchanged some short pleasantries when Quinn came over to greet her friend with a hug.

Rachel left Quinn to introduce the rest of the group and placed the salad and lasagnas on the table. Everyone quickly gathered around at the sight of the food, so she explained to them about the different kinds of baked pasta dishes.

"Oh and careful, the salad is vegan, too," she added coyly, which earned her a small chuckle from the group and a roll of her eyes from Santana, but one that was accompanied with a half-smile. Rachel let out a silent breath. Maybe this was not so bad. Maybe she _could_ fit in a bit. Quickly, everyone found a seat and they served each other. Quinn went around the table, offering some red wine.

Rachel sat at the head of the table. From that vantage point she had almost everyone in her field of vision and could see who was talking. Quinn sat to the right, around the table corner. Next to Quinn sat Blaine and at the other end of the table, across from Rachel, was Kurt. That also made it easy for Rachel to see his interpretations. On her left, she was flanked by Jenna and between her and Kurt was Santana's seat.

Soon they settled into a nice routine. Whenever Quinn or Kurt was talking, they also signed for Rachel's benefit. They also tried to take turns interpreting the other conversations around the table if they were not otherwise engaged in a discussion. This way Rachel at least learned to a certain degree what was being discussed and chatted about. She forced herself to put in her share of comments even though she kept wondering if her timing was right due to the slight delay caused by having to wait for the interpretation.

Rachel knew that the subtleties of the conversations would not come across, but she was still immensely grateful for her two friends to make the effort in between bites to fill her in. Sometimes Kurt or Quinn would falter, either when the conversations became too quick to follow or when several people were talking at once. Quinn started to say something at one point.

"Guys, can we try maybe not talk all at once, because…" but she was interrupted by her girlfriend's hand on her arm.

"It's ok, Quinn, thank you, but I don't want them to have to hold back because of me," Rachel stated softly. She noticed that Santana had looked at her for a long moment and then took up her conversations again. Quinn tapped her on the arm and held her gaze for an instant. Then she signed without voicing the words.

_Are you ok? If this all becomes too much for you, we can call this evening short. I mean it. I don't want this to become an ordeal for you. And I have not told you yet, but I am very proud of you coping with this. I can imagine that it is probably not that easy for you._

The only one privy to their private conversation was Kurt who threw a short and warm smile in Rachel's direction.

"Eavesdropping, Kurt?" Rachel teased her friend who laughed and blatantly answered: "Yes," accompanied by a nod.

She turned her attention back to Quinn, posing a question herself.

_How do you feel? It must be exhausting to sign, talk, listen and eat in parallel. It is ok, Quinn if you_ _need a break,_ _or Kurt_ _, for that matter. Really._

_But I don't want you to miss out on anything, Rachel._

Her hazel eyes searched her girlfriend's face to find the real emotion behind her brave words.

She found a little unease and some tension around her eyes. It was probably not easy for Rachel to relax in this situation, having to constantly look and observe, wondering who said what to whom, trying to fill in the parts that she missed, even though there were two people who tried to keep her in the loop, one of them still far from being fluent.

"I am ok, Quinn, really. A bit exhausted and overwhelmed, but I just have to get used to it." She said then in a low voice.

Quinn did not take her eyes off her. She did not want Rachel to have to get used to this. She did not want her to miss out, she did not want her to depend on the consideration of others to have the same level of information. Quinn felt swept back to the evening where both of them had their first dinner at the very same table. When realization had hit her on how many levels Rachel was deprived of information and social interaction and without this was basically missing out a great deal of life. She blinked and took a breath, focusing back on the person in front of her.

_Quinn, where did you just go?_ Concern was written all over Rachel's face.

_Sorry, just lost in a memory,_ she answered with a bittersweet smile. She quickly let her gaze swipe their table. The rest of the group was still animatedly engaged in a discussion and was not paying attention to them. Except maybe Kurt who threw them a look every so often to check what was going on.

Rachel had an inkling on what memory Quinn was talking about. She did not know where it came from, but she was pretty sure Quinn remembered her own breakdown during their first dinner.

She wondered why it seemed to hit Quinn harder than herself sometimes. But somehow knowing that, made it a bit easier for Rachel in this moment to be strong and face the facts instead of mourning her loss. It helped that some people could identify with her to a certain degree. It made her feel not so utterly alone anymore in her world.

_Quinn, if this is about me, please don't let that spoil your evening. There is nothing you can do about it. I – we just have to learn to live with it. You are already helping me so much, please don't let that become a liability. I have asked you before to not let it come so far._ Her eyes were imploring when she formed the words in the air.

_Rachel, you are not a liability! You are my love. And sometimes it is just hard for me to know that I cannot do anything to change your situation. And that you are missing out on so much._

Rachel sighed.

"Quinn, I am not missing out on much." She closed her eyes briefly and tilted her head to the side. "Well, yes, I do miss a lot of things. But thinking back on how far I have come these past weeks gives me hope. Four weeks ago I would not have thought of sitting here with old friends enjoying a nice dinner, neither of having you in my life again. Quinn, I …" she paused for a moment and frowned, as a realization just struck her.

"Actually, I could be a lot worse." For her girlfriend's benefit, she smiled and squeezed her hand that lay on the table between them. Out of the corner of her eyes, she noticed that the four other heads were turned her way.

Rachel let her gaze wander around the table. "Sorry if I interrupted your conversation. I ... did not mean to."

Santana answered first. "Is everything ok with you two?" Kurt helped interpreting as Quinn was still too moved to interpret.

"Yes." And Rachel quickly threw another encouraging smile at the blond woman next to her, before addressing her friends again. "Really, everything is ok." As the others went back to their discussions, Santana still held her gaze with a slightly raised eyebrow, asking with that silent gesture if Rachel really meant what she just said. Rachel dipped her head once and smiled. This seemed to satisfy the Latina somewhat.

Then she felt a soft nudge against her left elbow. Jenna had written something on a pad and pushed it over to her.

_Rachel, I am sorry for my earlier incoherent rambling :-) I tend to talk a lot and too fast when I am excited.  
Quinn told me a lot about you. About your time together in high school and how she did not want to meet you for the past years. I am happy you two have finally found each other. It seems that you make her very happy and I am glad to finally get to know you._

Rachel soaked up the features of the slender person next to her.

"She makes _me_ happy." She then commented with a smile at Quinn who still had to digest Rachel's words. "Though I wonder what she told you about our early years in high school, we weren't so happy around each other then," and with that she threw a meaningful glance at the woman on the other side of her who looked appropriately chastened.

Jenna laughed and answered in writing: _She told me everything when she poured her heart out to me once. Quinn was very honest. I couldn't believe that you put up with her like you did!_

After reading the words, Rachel stated with a chuckle: "Yeah, she was a challenge, I have to admit."

"Gee guys, you know I am sitting right here?" Quinn asked indignantly which made both women laugh.

"Yes, we know and you deserve to suffer a bit for your old sins," Jenna teased her back.

Rachel just quirked an eyebrow and tried to suppress a smile, especially since Quinn had to relay those words to her which she did with the appropriate offended look on her face. She was starting to like Jenna. And the way she was interacting with Quinn showed that they were really good friends.

Then Jenna focused her attention back to Rachel as Quinn was asked something by Santana from across the table.

_Rachel, I am not sure if it is appropriate to say, but I really admired your performance in Funny Girl. I watched it twice. Forced my parents and a good friend to go with me. I wish you could still perform. Please forgive me if I am too forthright._

Brown eyes skimmed the page and it took a little longer than necessary to read the short sentences.

"Thank you, Jenna. I wish the same," Rachel simply sttated.

"So, Quinn told me you went to an audition at the _Beacon_ _Theater_ some days ago. How did it go?" Rachel was sincerely interested and did not want to deflect the subject, she found out to her own wonder.

_Oh, it went quite well, I had a callback three days ago and they want to decide whom to cast the start of next week. I really hope I get the part!_

Jenna's eyes had a hopeful sparkle in them when she observed Rachel reading her lines.

"What did you audition for? Music theater or drama?"

_Drama. I'm not much of a singer I'm afraid._

"Well, I'd be really interested to know if you get the part." Then she noticed some empty glasses on the table and excused herself to get some more wine and water for the guests. To her surprise, even half of the vegan lasagna was polished away already, wondering who would have tried it besides herself and Quinn.

"Who had some of the vegetable lasagna?" She then asked as she walked around the table, continuing to fill up the glasses.

Santana raised her arm. "I did. And I have to admit, I liked it." She held two thumbs up in Rachel's direction.

"You did?"

The Latina nodded. "Yes. Could get used to it. Not for the rest of my life, but once in a while it would be ok."

Rachel held Quinn's gaze for a moment longer after she had relayed Santana's words, silently asking her if they should touch upon the topic of Quinn's guest room. Quinn nodded once and turned towards her old high school friend.

"Well, maybe we can help out with the 'once-in-a-while-vegan-meal' if you are up to it, Santana. Have you already looked for an apartment?"

"No, I didn't have time yet, but I surely have to start soon. It is getting quite cramped at my _tia_ 's place. Two of my cousins are coming over from Canada with their kids for my uncle's birthday and believe me, they will be staying for a while. A loooooong while." She rolled her eyes at the last sentence.

Rachel had returned to her seat and placed a hand on Quinn's knee under the table, squeezing it lightly as if to say, _go ahead_.

"Santana, I can offer you my guest room for a couple of weeks, until you're settled with your new job, if you like."

"And this way you don't have to rush to find an apartment just for the sake of moving out of your aunt's. You can take some time and find one you really like," Rachel added.

Santana looked from one woman to the other, quickly chewing and swallowing the piece of food she had just spooned into her mouth.

"Oh, wow, Quinn, really? You guys are cool with that?"

Rachel smiled and Quinn nodded. "Yes. Actually, we just pity your family so we decided to get you off their backs." She then teased, which caused a snort from Santana, prompting Rachel to mutter good-naturedly under her breath: "Now we have her on ours."

Santana raised an eyebrow and pointed at Rachel. "I heard that, Berry!" Then she stood up and walk around the table towards Quinn. "Gee, Q, thank you, your offer just made my day! I would have had to share my room with at least one of the kids! And I promise I'll try to stay out of your hair."

"And out of my face, with your hands at least" Quinn shot back with a playful daring look and got up from her seat.

Jenna's eyes darted between the two bantering women back and forth. Rachel jumped in to explain in a low voice: "Santana slapped her across the face once. I mean, _really_ slapped her."

The red haired's eyes grew big. "What? Jesus, Quinn has an interesting bunch of friends, I have to say," she chuckled, quickly penning down her comment in parallel.

"Yeah, don't know what is it that attracts all these challenging people to her otherwise even tempered and charming nature." That comment earned Rachel a slap on the shoulder from Quinn which prompted Jenna to state:

"Ok, I see that you probably weren't all that innocent when you received that facial treatment from Santana, Quinn."

"You got that right, Jenna!" Santana grinned at her.

Quinn huffed at that, clearly not wanting to translate that and Jenna's words into sign language, compromising herself even more. She did nevertheless, adding without saying it: _I don't know why I keep digging that whole you three shoved me into deeper by having to repeat all the nasty things they tell about me in ASL. That's really tough._

She put on a grumpy face that made Rachel laugh.

"Oh, poor mistreated you!" She stood up quickly, placing a pacifying kiss on her pouting lips.

_Maybe I can jump in and help out, Quinn. I have no trouble interpreting these teasers that are at least half way true, I have to admit,_ Kurt offered also in ASL, not voicing the sentence.

_Thanks Kurt. Good to have such friends. Glad to be the object of entertainment here,"_ Quinn answered signing, still pouting.

Rachel watched the silent exchange, noticing the clueless looks from the other three people in the room, secretly enjoying a bit to be in the inclusive for once instead of having to wait for a relay. She saw Blaine asking Kurt what he just had said, but his boyfriend shook his head and said something that included "between us" from what she could read from his lips, pointing towards Quinn, himself and her. She turned back and placed a gentle hand on her girlfriend's cheek and stroke it softly with her thumb, donating a dazzling and warming smile at her which Quinn gratefully acknowledged.

Santana gently pulled Rachel's attention back by touching her on the shoulder. "Ok, you two, enough of the heartbreaking stuff." She smiled at Quinn gratefully. "I really appreciate your offer, Q. Thanks," and she raised her arms to hug her friend.

Quinn took a step back and held up a hand. "No!" Then continued signing in parallel "You get to hug me later. Actually, Rachel deserves the main praise. It was her idea. She came up with it on her own."

Santana crocked an eyebrow. "Really?" That seemed to surprise her. And turning towards Rachel: "You suggested that I move in with Quinn? I hope not to torture me with your nightly … exercises."

A roll of eyes from Rachel was directed at her. "Yes, Santana, what do you think, I still have to get some revenge for the one or other Slushie. Might as well steal you some sleep with our _nightly exercises_ as you so nicely call them," Rachel retorted flippantly, which caused the rest of the room to laugh.

"Thought so." Santana stepped over to Rachel and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you, Rachel!" When they pulled apart, her dark eyes locked with the smaller woman's for a moment, squeezed her shoulders lightly before letting go.

"Rachel just thought that you might not feel too comfortable for a longer time with your aunt and uncle. I guess she was right, when I think about your cousin's visit. Actually, it might also be better for your little great-nieces and nephews if you are out of reach, we all know how much you like kids." Quinn quipped up from behind.

Santana winced playfully. "God, maybe I should look for new friends, these ones here are just not appreciative enough of me."

"Kurt and I can offer you a bed at our place," Blaine smirked.

"Ugh, yeah, right, your place doesn't even have _doors_ , you think I'd want to listen to _you_ having a go at it half the night? No, then I rather prefer some girl-smooching."

"Santana!" Rachel gasped as she understood what she had said.

Kurt plugged his fingers in his ear singing. "Lalalalala, I didn't hear anything, I didn't hear anything!" which made everyone laugh again.

Santana finally got to hug Quinn and thanked her as well. They shortly agreed to talk about the details the next day.

When everyone had finished eating, Rachel and Jenna cleared the table. She found it nice that Quinn's friend had offered to help, while Quinn prepared the dessert. Rachel noticed that the other petite woman would throw a glance at Santana who was animatedly chatting with Kurt and Blaine once in a while.

At one point, when she had Jenna's attention, she whispered: "You know, Santana has a soft heart. Don't let yourself be deterred by her somewhat gruff behavior."

Jenna smiled at that. Then she looked around and found a notebook on the counter. She pointed at it with a questioning look. Rachel nodded and the younger woman scribbled something on an empty page, not being shy about addressing this topic to Rachel.

_She has a nice voice._

"Yes, and that voice can sing really well," the brunette answered.

_Really? She is a singer as well?_

"No, not in her career, but we were in Glee club together. I wonder why she never wanted to pursue a career singing." Rachel was surprised that the hurt which usually came when she talked about such topics was easier to bear this time. She felt comfortable talking to Jenna about this, even though the other woman had seen her perform before. But her openness and the way she did not dance around a topic was quite refreshing.

Jenna threw another glance at the Latina who met her gaze and held it for a second, lifting one corner of her mouth in a half smile before turning back to Kurt.

When they were at the table enjoying their dessert, Rachel had a good vantage point to watch the interaction between the two women further. She was currently not interested in the conversations around the table, but observed the interaction between Jenna and Santana while enjoying her fruit salad with ice cream.

Quinn let the ice cream melt on her tongue, imagining what it would do on Rachel stomach. The vegan vanilla ice cream would make a nice contrast on Rachel's tanned skin. Her eyes automatically found their way to her lover sitting next to her and she trailed them down from her face to her dropping neckline. Realizing what she was doing, she gulped and pulled her eyes away from the alluring naked skin she glimpsed at beneath the fabric.

Then Quinn wondered if she should help Rachel catch up again on the conversations that were going around, but she noticed how her girlfriend seemed content just watching two of their guests. Quinn's gaze followed Rachel's and she was intrigued by the chemistry between the two other women opposite of her. She tried to blend out the conversation she was hearing and concentrated on the visible cues that passed between the two other women.

Interesting.

Jenna was not really Santana's type, besides Jenna was not gay. Even though she was single for the past months, she had always had boyfriends before. Yeah, right, Quinn, as if _that_ deterred you to fall for a woman, she reminded herself. She had learned that life really can have some surprises in store for one, so she was just content watching and trying not to draw conclusions before anything happened.

At one point, Rachel switched seats with Santana and sat next to Kurt to catch up with him on his week and to congratulate Blaine on their wedding plans. Blaine thanked her shortly and kept silent otherwise. Then he excused himself quickly to go to the bathroom. Rachel followed him with her gaze, her brows furrowed.

_Rachel, I am sorry if Blaine seems a little put off,_ Kurt signed silently and Rachel answered likewise.

_Honestly Kurt, I think he has a problem with_ me _… or rather with me not being able to hear. He never reacted like this before,_ Rachel stated. _I don't know why, but he never looked at me during the whole dinner, he just kept avoiding me._

Kurt sighed. _I honestly don't know what his problem is. But you are right, that is not the Blaine I know. I wonder why he acts like that. I am sorry if that hurt your feelings, Rachel._

_I'll talk to him._

"Ok." Then Blaine joined them again, still looking uncomfortable around Rachel. She soon wrapped up her conversation with Kurt, who obviously felt torn between accommodating his boyfriend and not wanting to be impolite to his friend.

She excused herself and went to use the bathroom. When she closed the door, she let out a breath and leaned against the wood. She noticed how every fiber of her being was vibrating with constant tension and drive to stay alert to her surroundings. Exhaustion was crawling up her limbs. When she exited, she found her girlfriend waiting outside.

_You ok?_ Quinn attentively asked. _You seemed a little sad when you left the table._

"I'm ok. Just noticed that I am getting really tired. I don't know why, but this is really exhausting for me. Guess I need more time and practice until I can be a bit more at ease at such gatherings," she smiled tiredly and then pulled herself together.

"Let's get back to our guests." But Quinn held her back and enveloped her in a tight embrace, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Rachel allowed herself to snuggle into her arms and let herself be held for a minute. This loving physical contact gave her the feeling to be a bit more centered again, to have a bit more strength again.

Kurt, also sensitive to his friend's state, soon started to break up the round, using his scheduled Saturday performance as a reason to leave early. Blaine also had a scheduled play so he eagerly jumped up as well. Rachel let herself be hugged by her friend and Kurt promised her to meet for coffee the upcoming Monday morning.

"Ok, take care and break a leg tomorrow!"

_I will, but not literally,_ Kurt joked signing. _Thank you for dinner, it was really nice to meet Santana again and getting to know Jenna. Let's repeat this soon!_

He quickly hugged Quinn as well and got his and Blaine's jacket from the wardrobe.

Blaine gave Quinn a hug and shrugged into the jacket that Kurt held for him. He then gave a short wave at Rachel and quickly turned towards the door.

_What was that all about?_ Quinn huffed as the door closed behind them. _Couldn't he at least say goodbye to you in a proper way?_

"It's alright Quinn, I guess he just did not feel comfortable around me. At least that is what I think."Rachel stated in a low voice. Sensing an upcoming tirade from Quinn in regards to Blaine's insensitivity, she tried to stall her upfront.

"Quinn, let's just leave it for tonight, ok? Or let's at least discuss it later when we are alone. We still have two guests," she indicated with a small jerk of her head in the direction of the living room.

Quinn let out a sigh after a moment. _Ok. Fine. For now._

Then she quickly cupped Rachel's face and placed a kiss on her lips, and was rewarded with a small smile.

Santana and Jenna were talking animatedly about the movies they had watched over the last couple of months. When Rachel and Quinn joined them again at the table, the conversation changed to Santana's job and when she would start working. She was excited about her new field of work and wondered what kind of clients she would have.

Soon after that, she also made her leave as she had to drive with her family to run some errands in the morning and in order to avoid the usual weekend rush in the stores, her aunt insisted on being ready as soon as the doors opened.

Santana bade her good-byes with the promise to report back from her first day on Monday.

Jenna was the last one to leave, after helping the two women to clean up the rest of the dishes and the kitchen. When they accompanied Jenna to the door, she turned around and gave Rachel a hug, handing her a piece of paper.

_Thank you for the nice evening. It was really great meeting you! Until next time, I hope soon! Jenna_

Rachel gratefully hugged Quinn's friend. "Thank you Jenna, it was my pleasure to get to know you. I can see why Quinn likes you so much. Let's meet again soon!"

Quinn nodded. "I agree! Let me know as soon as you hear something, ok?"

"Yes, I promise!" And with a small but friendly wave, she was out of the door.

Quinn turned and leaned against the closed entry, stretching out her arms, begging for Rachel to come closer. When she did, she wrapped her arms around her and held her for a long while.

Then she loosened her arms a bit so she could sign. _So, tell me honestly, how do you feel? And no beating around the bush!_

"Quinn, you have been asking me this already two times tonight." Rachel answered a little exasperatedly.

_I worry about you. I want you to feel ok with the situation, I mean with this,_ and she made a sweeping motion towards the table that their friends had been sitting at just moments ago.

Rachel placed her hand lightly on Quinn's neck. "Thank you for being so concerned. I am tired, a little overwhelmed and very grateful for you and Kurt to have gone through such an effort of signing for me. That really made me feel included, even though I still missed out probably half of the conversations." When she saw the dreary look on Quinn's face, she hastened to explain.

"No, not because of you or Kurt. It's just in the nature of things." She pecked her girlfriend's lips and then pulled back again, resting her brown eyes on Quinn's. "You are really wonderful Quinn. I love you." With that, she kissed her again deeply and passionately. Slowly she flicked her tongue out, probing against the other woman's lips who eagerly met her with her own.

After a long moment, they pulled themselves away from each other to get ready for bed.

On their way to the bathroom, Rachel commented: "I like Jenna, she seems like a really nice and fun person. I am glad you found such a good friend at Yale, Quinn."

_She is great. What I like about her is that she tells you things head on, not dancing around the subject for long. You always know where you stand with her._

"Yes," Rachel laughed, "I have noticed."

In bed, they snuggled close together, and even though Rachel wanted to take advantage of having her girlfriend all to herself again, she felt sleep taking over. The longer she lay in their comfortable embrace under the warm blankets, the harder it was to keep her eyes open, but she tried. She noticed that her eyes had closed again on their own accord when she felt Quinn chuckle against her body. She lifted two very heavy lids to gaze into the hazel eyes that lovingly peered at her.

_Rachel, don't try to stay awake, it is ok. How about I rub your back and you just close your eyes and sleep, ok?_

"Hmh, 'kay. Guess it was more exhausting than I thought. Night Quinn, luv you," she mumbled the last words.

Quinn wanted to answer to that but judging by the regular and deep breathing that came from Rachel, she deducted that she was already asleep. Quinn was content to just hold her and stroke her lightly and gaze into her beautiful and peaceful face before she turned off the light as sleep also came over her.

"Sweet dreams, darling." With that, she placed a kiss on Rachel's forehead and let herself drift off.

 

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I am getting bored with this disclaimer. What will happen if I just ignore it? I just won't mention that I don't own Glee and that I don't own any of the original characters of the show for a change.  
> Right.
> 
> I cannot thank my faithfull beta-reader Nicole enough. I don't think she signed on for such a long multi-chapter story, but she never complains and keeps on supporting me! 
> 
> TheIrishGilmore: Thanks again for the great exchange we had about some ideas!

**Chapter 24**

Santana had moved in with Quinn on the weekend following their dinner and their living arrangement actually worked out quite well. The Latina worked mostly during the day, sometimes even very early in the morning, which was quite a tough challenge for her. Some of her clients needed the exercise before they went to work, so the only option for them was giving it a go before seven a.m. Should Quinn be up that early as well for whatever reason, she would prudently try to stay out of Santana's way. The Latina was definitely not a morning person. The only interaction she would accept at that hour was Quinn handing her a cup of coffee, which at least made her push a "thanks" out of her mouth. The blonde felt a bit sorry for Santana's early morning clients, they were surely being pushed harder than necessary due to the Latina's morning grumpiness.

With their different working schedules, the two friends did not see each other as often as they thought especially when Quinn stayed at Rachel's place quite often. It was just easier for her to drive over there after her show instead of Rachel having to hang around Quinn's apartment, waiting until she came home. At least this way they would have some time to spend with each other. It had become quite a nice little routine for them to then catch up on their days and sometimes share a light late night snack, snuggled up against each other on the couch. They tried to see each other at least every other day if Quinn's busy schedule would allow for the time for the next few weeks. Quinn would often come to Rachel's apartment after her performance and stay the night.

On days when the actress would be home a bit earlier or on her rare days off, they would stay at Quinn's place.

One morning upon waking, Rachel found the spot besides her on the bed empty. A quick look at the alarm clock revealed that it was still very early in the morning, just past seven. Wondering where her girlfriend had disappeared to, she threw the covers back and got up.

Without the benefit of hearing what was going on in the apartment and the possibility of locating Quinn by sound, Rachel had to get up and look. She sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, yawning heartily before pulling on some thick woolen socks and a hoody over her pajama top. She drank some water from the bottle beside her bed and then padded out of the bedroom in search of her girlfriend. Passing the second guest room in Quinn's apartment, she noticed a movement. At first, she thought it was Santana, but the Latina slept in the room across the hall, just opposite this one - if she was still home. Rachel had no idea, since she could not hear her leave or rummage around the flat.

That was another thing she had to get used to. Living alone, she never had to worry about anyone else. Staying with Quinn once in a while and now having Santana live here as well, she had two people to keep track of. If she did not have them in her view, she was absolutely clueless as to where everybody was and what they were doing.

One morning she had run into a stark naked Santana, because the Latina had forgotten to lock the door when taking a shower. Rachel had stopped dead in her tracks when she saw her standing in front of the mirror, just a towel around her head. Santana had whipped around, eyes blazing at seeing Rachel standing in the door and she quickly wrote: _Knock?_ on the foggy bathroom mirror, apparently asking in a very disgruntled way if Rachel couldn't have checked if someone was inside first. After her initial surprise, Rachel had somehow found it quite amusing to be asked such a question.

So she just quipped: "Yes, I can knock. But I won't know if anybody answers, unless you throw the door open. And then I would have seen the same picture. Well, maybe some of your more private parts would have been covered with another towel." She raised an eyebrow. "Just lock the door next time, Santana." With that she turned around and closed the door again, at least then having the good grace to blush, just as Quinn had walked up to her, coming out of their bedroom.

_You look like you have just peeped down the rabbit hole, Rachel._

"Uh, yeah, actually, only that this little rabbit wasn't covered in fur. I just walked in on Santana. Naked. I mean, I was dressed, she was naked."

Quinn lifted one side of her mouth in a smirk. _I doubt she has a problem with that. Don't worry. She is quite confident with her body. Don't let the grumpy behavior fool you. She always liked to parade around us in the locker room after Cheerios practice, not wearing anything._

The blonde chuckled and quickly hugged her girlfriend to chase the embarrassment away.

One other little incidence happened when Rachel was cleaning some dishes in the kitchen sink. Upon turning she found Santana standing behind her rummaging around in the fridge. Rachel had been so caught up in her thoughts that she had not noticed Santana enter the kitchen area and it almost gave her a heart attack seeing the other woman standing so close behind her. After this Rachel was adamant about them announcing their presence by switching the lights quickly on an off should she not see them approach. The petite woman had to give the Latina some credit because she had looked absolutely remorseful and gratefully took up the advice about the light signal.

…...

Focusing back on her current search for her girlfriend, Rachel peered around the doorframe of the guestroom.

She found Quinn standing inside in front of a note stand, turned a little sideways towards the door, so Rachel could still see part of her face. She had an earphone plugged in her left ear, singing along to whatever melody was playing. Her eyes were closed, in her left hand she held an iPod, her right hand weaved through the air in a rhythmical movement.

Rachel was mesmerized by the play of emotions imprinted on Quinn's features. It turned from hurt to hope and back to hurt. She was wondering what song she was singing. Was it something from her show? Trying to not make any sound, she almost held her breath. It was difficult trying to be quiet if you could not hear your own movements. Judging from Quinn's performance, she had not noticed that she had an audience yet. Rachel quickly debated whether to make her presence known. After all that was what she had asked of the other women in regards to her condition.

But it was alluring to watch someone sing and only concentrate on the visual cues that came across. Even with being oblivious to the voice and music, Rachel found a strange fascination watching her girlfriend sing. Quinn was so caught up in the song that every fiber of her body seemed to be transmitting the pain and hurt that were so apparent in the lyrics. The brunette was completely captivated. If Quinn managed to draw her in even without Rachel being able to hear her voice, she did not doubt that the normal audience would be absolutely head over heels with one Quinn Fabray whenever she stood on the stage.

The petite woman tried to evoke the memories of her girlfriend's soft and a little silky voice in her mind and the effect with seeing her perform in front of her made goose bumps rise on her skin. Surprised by this reaction, Rachel gasped a little and looked at her arm. This small noise and movement was enough to catch Quinn's attention. She turned her head and smiled at Rachel who in that instant raised her head again to meet the hazel eyes observing her. Color rose to her cheeks and she started to apologize:

"I am sorry, Quinn … I … did not want to disturb you… I was… and then I saw you.. and it was just so … and I couldn't look away… God, I feel like a little schoolgirl caught with her hand in the cookie jar," she then laughed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I did not want to sneak up on you."

Quinn laughed at the cute display of embarrassment.

_So, eavesdropping, Miss Berry?_ She teased her girlfriend, which drew a sheepish smile from Rachel and a vehement shake of her head. Quinn stepped a little closer after laying the iPod on the stand in front of her. She placed a tender kiss on her girlfriend's lips before rushing on explaining:

_I couldn't sleep anymore so I decided to use the time for some practice. I,_ she rested her hands for a moment, _I did not want to, you know, make you feel uncomfortable with me …singing,_ she finished.

Rachel pondered this explanation for a moment. In her heart she knew that she would have to face this eventually.

"Quinn, this is your job, you need to prepare for it. I know that it also requires time at home to get the new songs down, dialogues et cetera. You don't need to hide that from me, ok? And if you need the time, then tell me. I honestly understand!"

She watched Quinn take a deep breath.

_I was unsure of how... this would affect you, me addressing any issues regarding my job. I mean we have talked about little things regarding Broadway before, but never about me singing. I apologize that I tried to keep this away from you._

Rachel nodded as a sign of accepting the apology. She understood how Quinn wanted to be considerate and not confront her with it. But she also understood that this was an important and integrated part of Quinn, one that she should not have to hide, least of all from her girlfriend. And Rachel knew she would have to learn to live with the display of Quinn's talent.

She was aware of which role Quinn was playing and in which musical she was starring in. She had found this out even before her accident, but so far, she had hardly dared to ask her more about it. And Quinn had steered clear of the topic as well, maybe instinctively knowing that it would be a painful subject for Rachel to discuss. But this relationship would not work if Quinn had to hide this vital element of her life from her. That is why Rachel also insisted on her to start to openly talk about it with her.

Now was a good moment as any to start facing the topic and she let curiosity get the better of her.

"What song were you singing? Something for the concert?"

_No,_ the blonde laughed. _I was actually just singing along to Christina Aguilera's Blank Page. After practicing, I like to finish with a song I really like and today it was that._ Her hazel eyes watched the brown irises in front of her closely. _Do you know the song?_

As soon as the question was out, Quinn could have bitten her tongue. The song was quite recent and there was no way Rachel would be familiar with it, which her following words confirmed.

"No, I haven't heard it. But it looked like it contains much pain and conflict, judging by your expressions," she smiled softly at Quinn who nodded.

Quinn noticed a little pain in Rachel's eyes upon her first statement, but was again surprised on how Rachel still managed to talk or discuss something that was obviously out of her reach. She would not let herself be defeated by that as it might have been a few months ago, it seemed. Then her girlfriend's voice interrupted her train of thoughts.

"So, how about if I make some breakfast while you finish with your repertoire," Rachel batted her eyelashes in a coquette way at Quinn.

_How about I have you for breakfast,_ Quinn signed back and placed small little kisses along the side of her girlfriend's slender neck.

"That… uh… would also be… a good option," Rachel managed in between breaths.

Quinn fingered at the brunette's hoody and opened the zipper, pulling the tank top low, until her kisses reached the swell of Rachel's breast. She felt her girlfriend' fingers wind around her hair on her neck and lean harder into her lips. Quinn absolutely loved how her caresses made Rachel react. How her body seemed to be detached from all sound reason, arching, moving, pressing against her, moaning, sighing, breathing in a way that told her Rachel was quickly getting aroused by her caresses.

Then she heard another sound and despite the worked up state she was in, Quinn had to laugh. She drew back a little and looked at Rachel, who threw her a confused look.

"What?"

_Your stomach just rumbled like a five billion megawatt thunder rolling through the sky._

Rachel had felt the grumbling in her belly, but could not care less about it at that moment. "Oh that. Ignore it!"

_I think we should get you fed first, before continuing this here._

She took Rachel's hand, tugging her out of the door in the direction of the kitchen, causing the petite woman to wail while unwillingly trudging after her.

"Nooooooo I am not hungry I don't need to eat I need you to kiss me and shower me with more of your love and to hold me and I need to kiss you and we need to make love and how on god's earth can you think of food right now? And why are you just standing there looking at me, say something or at least kiss me!"

They had arrived at the kitchen and Quinn leaned against the counter.

_I was just wondering when you were going to take a breath,_ Quinn laughed. _Listen, we still have five hours before I have to leave for the theater for the afternoon show. This is time enough for eating AND kissing. Ok?_

Rachel let herself fall against her, fully trusting the blond woman to hold her. She had her lower lip pushed out in a little pout, looking absolutely adorable to Quinn who could hardly hold on to her plan to feed her girlfriend first. Only after she promised Rachel they would have breakfast in bed – Quinn tried to not think about the crumbs in the sheets – and that yes, she would get a kiss after _each_ bite did the petite woman conceded.

...…..…...

Whenever Rachel came over to Quinn's place and Santana was home as well, they would sometimes share the evening preparing a meal or watch a movie together. On one of those evenings, Quinn's phone buzzed as all three of them were just sitting down for an early dinner. Rachel felt the vibration through the wood of the dining table. She and Santana simultaneously looked up.

Quinn threw a look at the device and furrowed her brow.

"Shit!" Quinn stared at her phone with dismay. Rachel tapped on her arm.

"What?"

"Leonor, the other lead actress is sick. I need to perform tonight." She turned and looked at the clock that stood on the counter. It was shortly before six.

Two disappointed faces looked at her. "Oh," was all Rachel managed.

"Damn," Quinn muttered and jumped up, "I have less than two hours to get ready, and I still need to warm up," she mumbled as she dashed into the bedroom.

Rachel and Santana looked after her. Then the brunette shyly tugged on the Latina's sleeve.

"What did she say?" Santana saw the questioning brown eyes in front of her. She held up a finger and got a piece of paper and a pen. Sitting down again, she wrote her answer.

The petite woman only nodded once as she read the words, biting her lower lip. Santana watched her for a moment and wanted to write something else as Quinn rushed out of the bedroom, having exchanged her soft cotton pants for jeans, buckling her belt while opening the bathroom door with her elbow, quickly grabbing a brush and running back to the table, while pulling the comb through her hair.

She cupped Rachel's face, placing a kiss on her lips and mouthed "sorry".

"I know. Break a leg, and warm up thoroughly!" With one last kiss Rachel sent her on her way.

The brunette watched Quinn rush out after grabbing her purse and jacket and felt bereft without her presence instantly. Much more so since she was staying at Quinn's apartment and all of a sudden she questioned her right to be there if her girlfriend was not present. But she got distracted when she noticed Santana pushing the paper towards her again. It seemed like a natural gesture now, but it had cost the Latina some courage to face up to actually address the topic with Rachel.

A week after Santana had moved in, she had asked Rachel if she could visit her at her apartment. Rachel had been surprised, not knowing where this was heading but agreed. Quinn and she had decided to stay at their own flats on that Saturday evening because Quinn would be home very late that day. They would meet Sunday morning for breakfast, so Rachel had time for Santana the evening before.

After the somewhat awkward moments and with gentle probing from Rachel's side, Santana had finally dropped the cool pretend act. The initial reason she gave Rachel for her visit was just to see how she were. The petite woman sensed that there was more behind it, especially since the Latina seemed a little unsure around her, though not as uncomfortable as Blaine was. She tried to put Santana at ease, finally managing to coax the actual reason for the visit from her friend. Santana surprised her with a page filled with questions and thoughts she had prepared.

They were basically similar questions to the ones that Quinn had asked her before and she was genuinely astonished that Santana really wanted to know all these details. She tried to keep her answers short in the beginning, but Santana kept digging, needing to understand more about Rachel's situation. So Rachel elaborated a little more with each question, getting the feeling that Santana was really interested. It surprised the brunette. She had not thought someone else would want to know so much about her or her condition, much less Santana Lopez. The more she explained and let the other woman into her world and experiences, the more the guard Santana had held up dropped.

While sitting at Rachel's kitchen counter and watching the brunette tentatively explain and answer her questions, Santana admitted to herself that Quinn had been right. It was good to openly talk to Rachel, it took the edge somehwhat off the whole deaf-thing. Understanding more about it made it also easier to communicate with her former Glee colleague. And Santana discovered that when ignoring the still slightly cumbersome act of having to write everything down, Rachel was actually easy to be with and forthright with her answers. Something that was highly appreciated by Santana.

In the end they spent quite a nice, relaxed evening with a glass of wine, ending up talking about Santana's new job and the people she came in contact with and how she loved pushing those corporate managers to their limit.

Remembering what had caused her to think back to that evening, Rachel zoomed back into the present, gazing at Santana's words in front of her.

_Does that always happen in this business? That sucks!_

Rachel crunched her brows, trying to figure out what Santana was referring to. Then she guessed that she was probably asking about Quinn having to stand-in on short notice.

"Well, not always, but it does happen. I had to cancel a trip to go skiing with a friend once because our other lead got sick. And she did not come back for three weeks, because she caught a really nasty flu. When she finally returned, I felt like falling into a coma and not wake up for the next three days." Rachel smiled.

Santana's pen poised over the paper, and then she scribbled the question down.

_Do you miss it a lot?_

Rachel narrowed her eyes at the query, then closed her eyes for a moment before speaking, as if transporting herself back onto stage. Exhaling, she answered.

"Yes. Yes, I do. Not just the singing or acting, it's the whole atmosphere, the adrenaline, the tension before the beginning of the show, the rushing back and forth of the actors and dancers backstage, getting dressed, warming up, slipping into the character. And I always loved the final dress rehearsal, that, actually, is almost better than the premiere... " Her eyes took on a certain gleam as she remembered and Santana felt in her soul that whatever happened, Rachel needed to get back into the limelight somehow. However it might look like, but this girl needed to find a way someday to show off her talent in any way possible. No matter what.

"Well, Santana, you don't have to stay here if you want to go out, you know," Rachel then stated which startled the other woman out of her thoughts.

_Who says I can't have a fun evening with you?_ Santana raised a perfectly arched eyebrow when Rachel had read her comment.

"Don't know, there are certainly more exciting things to do than hanging out with me."

Rachel did not know what brought her so down all of a sudden. She felt catapulted back seven years ago when even a glance from Santana Lopez in her direction would have been considered a miracle since she usually never gave her the time of day. Other than the times when they were singing and helping to win a championship for the Glee Club, Santana had not paid much attention to her.

It was strange that after all this time, after all her achievements, these old feelings would resurface. It had nothing to do with her deafness alone. It was just that Santana exuded such strength, toughness and security about herself that Rachel had a hard time finding her own standing in her presence. Even though Santana had done nothing to belittle her. She was just… Santana. When she had visited her in her apartment, asking her all these questions about her deafness, Rachel had not felt like this. Seeing or sensing Santana's insecurity towards her and knowing that it was up to Rachel to either fortify or quench them gave her a confidence that she now lacked. She let out a long breath. When she saw the Latina still sitting there, watching her, she was almost surprised.

She found a new question written on the paper.

_Have you ever thought about turning to pure acting now instead of singing?_

Rachel huffed. "Santana!"

_What_? _You are a good actress. A very good one. Why not take it up again?_

"Because I can't hear, Santana. Jesus, why do I keep repeating myself to remind you all of that? It seems like everyone around me does not hear what I am saying. Why would anyone want to work with me? Besides, how many movies are there that feature a deaf character? How am I supposed to follow instructions, react to my co-partner et cetera? There are hundreds of actresses out there, great actresses that all have perfect hearing. And having a hearing actress learn ASL for a role is much easier than having a deaf actress learn the whole script – even that of her co-actors in order to know when her cues are up, and organising an interpreter for her all the time so she can understand what the director explains to her."

_Yes, maybe there are thousands of actresses out there. But only one Rachel Berry. And this Rachel Berry I know has never – NEVER – let anything come between her and her dream._

"Santana, that Rachel Berry still had all the things running for her. That Rachel Berry did not have to cope with being deaf every damn day. And she did not have to wonder every day what the hell she should do with her life."

_Look, Berry, there are so many people who did what they loved, even though everything stood against them, Paul McCartney's ex-wife became a model even though she had lost her leg in an accident. There is Marlee Matlin and even that Beethoven guy did what he loved no matter what.  
If you don't go by the standards others have set, then you just have to set up your own standards! _

_Why not try to convince some producer that if they want to portray realistic characters, lives and stories, they have to choose an actor who has a realistic experience, without focusing everything on her disability. There are, I don't know how many deaf, blind and otherwise handicapped people out there living their lives, managing their day to day business, why not have someone like that in a movie without making the disability the main topic. Let it just be a fact and nothing more. That's a challenge I would dare to take on, Rachel. Or better, I would dare any director or producer to take on.  
If you are convinced of yourself, of living your dream, of doing what you love most, then you can also manage to convince others._

Rachel understood that Santana had a valid point. But there was something else she just noticed and could not quite answer for herself.

"I don't know if I _want_ to put myself in the spotlight, like…. this." She made a dismissive gesture towards her ear. "And in regards to your other point, that is exactly where the crux lies, Santana. I am not convinced of myself yet. I'm not sure I could do it. Why do you all keep pushing me?"

Santana quickly placed her hand on Rachel's before drawing back to write.

_Who else is pushing you? I am certain Quinn didn't ever mention something in this direction to you. I think you are the one who put yourself under the most pressure, Rachel. Because I see this fire that is still burning inside of you._ _And there is nothing that can extinguish it. I do not know many people with your strength and drive to achieve her dreams, Rachel._ _Don't forget your dream. Adapt it, if you must. But don't throw it away and forget about it!_

Santana looked at her for a while, Rachel felt as if those dark eyes cut right through her and hit on the very essence of her soul. She was at a loss for words. What should she answer to that? It was true in a way. But she was also at a loss of ideas. The obstacle of her disability just seemed too big to overcome to follow her dream in any possible way. Not if her handicap was just so damn obvious. These thoughs seemed to have been written on her face as Santana's following question was spot on.

_Rachel, why do you think you can only play roles that require a deaf actress?_

The brunette stood up and threw her hands up in the air and let out an exasperated gasp. "Santana, you don't get it, do you?"

_No, I don't, Rachel. Obviously, you can still speak perfectly fine._

"God, why does everyone keep saying that to me? Do you have any idea what that does to me? How would you feel if I kept dangling something in front of your face, something that you wish for with all your might, but you know you might never get it? How would you feel?"

Santana did not let herself be pushed off course. _Well, Rachel, have you ever tried? How can you say you can't if you don't know?_

Rachel gasped for air. She just could not believe she was having this conversation. She spoke the next words as if Santana were mentally debilitated, pronouncing every word very slowly. "Santana, I cannot hear myself. So I will not know how I sound. How will I ever know that I deliver the lines in the correct way?" Then she spoke normally again though more to herself. "Sometimes I keep asking myself why you and Kurt can't see the obvious."

This last remark puzzled the Latina.

_Kurt? What does Kurt have to do with that?_

"Nothing," Rachel shook her head. Then she let out a long breath. Santana sensed there was more to come and stayed quiet.

To her own surprise, Rachel found the courage to tell the other woman about the little "incident" with the piano. She sat back down.

"I didn't even notice that I was actually humming along. Kurt heard me. It was one of the most embarrassing moments in my whole life."

_Why? What did he say?_ This perked Santana's interest. Apparently, Rachel had not talked about this before and she wondered why she was the first person, besides Kurt, to know about this.

Rachel gave her a sideway glance and fiddled with her glass. "It doesn't matter what he said." She noted how Santana narrowed her eyes and hastened to add: "No. He wasn't mean or anything. So don't go jump on him, ok?"

The Latina mouthed an 'ok' and nodded once, trying to gauge what had happened between the two friends that Rachel had such difficulties talking about it. She stayed silent, quietly observing her friend as she continued to play with her glass. After another moment, Santana probed:

_Whatever he said, it had you quite worked up. So if you want to talk about it, I am here, ok?_

After reading the statement, Rachel exhaled, hesitated for another second and then blurted out: "Oh, he just wanted me to do it again. Said I was perfectly in tune. There, I said it. Happy now?"

She propped her elbows on the table, rubbing her temples. It was unfair to snap at Santana but this whole talk had her put quite on edge. This whole topic was like an ever-inflamed wound.

She felt a hand on her forearm and unwillingly turned her head, letting her gaze drop to the paper.

_Why is this such a bad thing, Rachel?_

"Because… because I miss it so much and even if I still might manage to hold one little tune, I will never _know_ that. It will never be the same. Don't you get it?"

_Ok, I can get that. Since you think that people do not see the obvious, maybe it is you who does not see it. I believe you are too much in your head. Stop thinking and assuming. Just try. You need to perform, Rachel. In whatever way possible. If you can't sing anymore, then act. At least give acting a try before throwing everything to waste. And you know what, for what it's worth, if there was one person on this god's earth who could sing with her ears closed, it would be you, Rachel Berry. You are the only person I personally believe who could pull it off. That's my opinion. But I also get that you don't want to touch upon that topic._

Rachel could only stare at Santana as she sat in her chair, calmly looking her square in the eye. The brunette only managed to shake her head at the words. The whole world must have gone nuts.

"Jesus. You don't know when to stop, do you, Santana?"

_Nope. You know me. I am always straightforward and honest. Some call me a bitch because of that. I tell people what I think. And I didn't tell you that because I want to hurt you. I told you because I think everybody else is too chicken to do it. And either you get over it or you try it._

The last remark stung. Rachel banged her fork hard on the table and stood up, leaning heavily on her arms.

"Fuck you, Santana Lopez! You are a needling sneaking bitch. You just want people to dislike you, don't you? Why? Because you are afraid to get hurt if someone might actually like you? Is that why you always try to hit people where it hurts the most?"

She hardly ever used swear words. Rachel was convinced that one could live happily ever after without using them in their daily language. However, in the rare cases when she did apply them, it was a sign that she was close to exploding. Her anger had started to boil and was ready to blow off the top. Even more so as the other woman seemed so unscathed by her hurt and anger. Slowly, Santana took up the pen and started writing again, hardly ever looking down on the page, all the while keeping Rachel in her gaze.

_Don't deflect, Rachel. You know damn well what I said was true. That talent of yours did not die with your hearing. It will be more difficult to work out, yes, but it's still there. You've got nothing more to lose. You already lost everything. Start building up something new or remodel your old dream. That's all I'm saying._

Rachel slowly let her gaze crawl up from the page to Santana's face. She just sat there and stared at her with her damn black eyes, wearing that smug expression. What was it with the Latina that she always managed to needle her way into the most sensible spots of another person. She instinctively knew where their weakest point was and was never too shy to point it out to that person, whether they wanted to hear it or not. Santana might as well have punched Rachel right in the face. That would have had the same effect as those words.

Her eyes fell back on the page. She had nothing to lose. Right. Damn right.

While she was still staring at the words, Rachel felt a strange feeling inside her all of a sudden. It was building up in her stomach, growing, moving upwards. She could not hold it back and it just burst out of her.

The whole situation was so strange that Rachel's anger dissipated as if a plug had been pulled. These past weeks had turned her life around completely and sometimes it was just too unbelievable to grasp. Months ago she was so devastated and feeling utterly alone, now she was here in Quinn's apartment – her _girlfriend_ Quinn's apartment - fighting with Santana Lopez, a former high school nemesis, throwing swear words at the Latina that she herself could not hear. Everything seemed so absurd all of a sudden that she burst out laughing. At first, Santana shot her an astonished look and then the corners of her mouth curved upwards. Looking at Santana, Rachel saw her smile widen until she also started laughing.

Rachel fell down in her chair, holding her stomach. She could not stop. Hard as she tried, the laughter came bubbling up and every time she gazed at Santana, she had to laugh more seeing that the Latina also had to wipe away some tears that ran across her cheeks from laughing so hard.

When they finally managed to get a grip on themselves, Santana quickly placed her hand on Rachel's before drawing back to write.

_You'll figure it out. I know you can still rock the damn show biz :-)! It would be nothing without a Rachel Berry!_

This drew a small smile from Rachel.

_I believe in you. You have done a great job getting back into contact with your friends, even with Jenna who you didn't know before. Rachel, you are a great person. Don't hide. Keep on going forward!_

The petite woman had to digest the words and did not know how to comment on it.

"So, what do we do now with this evening?" Rachel asked after a moment, clearly distracting from the former discussed topic. Their food had gone cold by now and neither woman seemed to be hungry.

_You know what, I got an idea._

The idea was bold and Santana did not know how Rachel would take it when she pulled her phone out of her pocket and quickly dialed a number. When the other person answered, Santana rapidly spoke a couple of sentences that were unreadable for Rachel as she had tilted her head down while talking, playing absentmindedly with her leftover food.

When she finished, she grinned at Rachel and got up.

"Let's go!" And Santana motioned towards the door with her head, seeing that Rachel had understood.

"Where are we going, Santana?" Rachel asked cautiously, not sure if she wanted to go on a wild ride through New York City with Santana Lopez.

The Latina just smiled, quirked an eyebrow and ever so slightly motioned with her head towards the door. Rachel slowly grabbed her jacket, wondering if she was going to regret this. Santana quickly turned back, grabbing another sheet of paper and the pen off the table, stuffing it into her pocket. Then she took Rachel by the shoulders and gently pushed her out of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say, I really love Santana's character in Glee. She is great to give an edge to a scene. She has this certain attitude to get down to the grain, not stopping when it becomes painful. But that is sometimes where the relevant and important stuff lies.


	25. Chapter 25

 

* * *

**Chapter 25**

During the cab ride to wherever they were going – Rachel still had no idea and Santana was being very secretive about their destination – she asked the Latina:

"Have you never thought about becoming a professional singer? You have such a great voice and talent. I have always wondered why you never did pursue a career in acting or singing."

Santana just shrugged in a non-committal way, pulling the empty sheet of paper out she had pocketed earlier and wrote her answer.

_Don't know. I have always liked singing, but somehow I have never thought about doing it for a living._

"Why not? What held you back?" Rachel was curious. Santana had the looks, the voice and the attitude to succeed, and she was sure that Santana knew that herself. So what was the real reason behind her hesitation?

The Latina looked out of the window, clearly reluctant to answer that question. Finally, she turned back to Rachel, quirking one side of her mouth up in a half smile while moving the pen over the paper.

_Let's just say I did not feel like it, ok?_

She was clearly brushing Rachel off with this response, not wanting to discuss this any further. Rachel did not care. If Santana got to grill her, she had the exact same right.

"How come you get to tell me all these intense and private things but as soon as I start to ask a question that goes deeper than the superficial day to day crap you immediately lock yourself up?"

Santana was surprised at the statement. She had not expected Rachel to keep looking behind her so carefully build up façade. The only ones she had allowed some glimpses behind it were Quinn and Brittany. And even with both of them it was not often that she had opened up. The Latina let her eyes rest on the smaller woman sitting beside her.

_You won't let this rest, will you?_ She then scribbled down.

"No. I guess I learned from the best," the brunette retorted without hesitation and with an arched eyebrow.

It was never easy for Santana to talk about her true inner feelings. But she and Rachel had come quite a way from being high school acquaintances to becoming friends. She had come to truly liking Rachel and really wished for her to find her way and she would support her in any way she could. The Latina felt that it was actually ok to let Rachel see some of her truth. Santana felt that she could trust her friend. Rachel would not use that knowledge against her. Besides she was right. Santana had gleaned a lot from the former diva; it was only fair to give something back.

_Fine, if you must know. I did not know where to go or what to do. I was too lazy to apply to any art school and… well, I guess my parents would not really have approved of it._

_And I did not really know which direction to turn to. I kinda felt clueless. Still do._

"Ha, welcome to the club," Rachel commented which made Santana laugh.

They seemed to have neared their destination as Santana leaned forward and pointed towards the curb just behind a little side street, indicating the driver to stop there. Rachel looked out of the window and sensed a sinking feeling in her stomach.

She knew this area.

She had memorized every street and building in this part of the town just by staring at a New York map for hours already as a kid. After living in the city of her dreams, she could recognize it even with her eyes closed.

What the hell had possessed Santana to bring her here? And why the hell did she trust the Latina to allow her to ferry her across town without insisting on being told where they were headed?

"Santana, don't tell me that you really planned to drag me here…" she could not finish her sentence as Santana placed a finger on her lips to hush her friend. Then she pulled out some money, paid the cab driver, and scooted out of the back door, grabbing a frowning Rachel and pulled her out of the cab with her.

When they stood on the curb on 45th street, between 8th avenue and Broadway, Rachel slowly exhaled, and lifted her head and eyes from the pavement to take in her surroundings. She had not planned to ever come back to this part of the town. She felt a pang in her heart and at the same time, the familiar flame of excitement rise in her chest. They were not far from her old theater and she saw the rush of people moving towards the buildings for the evening shows. After slowly turning around her own axis, she noticed Santana's dark eyes resting on her, carefully taking in her posture and features as if monitoring what being here did to her.

"Well," Rachel swallowed, trying to ease the situation more for herself than for Santana. "I am still standing. I have not dissolved into tears yet, so I guess that is a good sign."

The Latina kept her gaze trained on Rachel, reached out and squeezed the smaller woman's hand encouragingly. Then she smiled and jerked her head towards the narrow backstreet, pulling Rachel with her, not letting go of her hand.

At a large metal door, she knocked three times and a tall, elderly man with graying hair opened, looking questioningly at them. Santana said something to him and he nodded, stepping aside, opening the door wider so they could enter.

The Latina strode inside first, making sure with a quick look over her shoulder that Rachel followed. She stepped in after Santana and they moved along a narrow hallway. At the end, Santana turned around and the guy motioned them to move to the right. Santana lifted her hand in thanks and bound around the corner, where a lot of doors lined the walls on each side.

Rachel knew where they were, backstage at the dressing room section. Her heart started beating hard in her chest. She felt a rush of adrenaline flow through her veins. Part of her was excited to breathe the theater air, to pick up the tension in the air, to imagine the voices with last directions wafting from the stage, the audience filing in, mumbling, shifting, laughing and the voices of the actors drifting through the doors while warming up. Her eyes started glowing a bit and Santana noticed that with a small satisfactory grin before she halted in front of a door that held a small sign with two names: Quinn Fabray/Leonor de Witt.

Rachel suddenly felt like a little teenager to meet her favorite star for the first time. At the same time, she was so proud of Quinn to have managed to come this far - having her name on the door of a dressing room in one of the big theaters on Broadway! Santana stepped back, letting Rachel do the honor of knocking on the door. Then the petite woman turned and as Santana nodded in answer to her silent question if they were allowed in, she slowly opened the door. Quinn stood in front of the mirror, just buttoning the blouse her character was wearing during the first scenes. She looked up from her hands that fumbled with the little pearl buttons and met Rachel's eyes in the reflection. Her jaw dropped and she jerked around.

"Rachel! What…," and she looked at Santana who had a very, very smug smile on her face, "… come in, what are you two doing here?" She signed in parallel.

Rachel's eyes flickered between Quinn and Santana. "Um, actually, I don't know. You'd have to ask Santana that. Until a couple of minutes ago I had no idea where that woman was taking me."

"Yeah, which was actually better, because otherwise you never would have come!" The Latina retorted.

Quinn wrapped her girlfriend in a warm embrace and held her for a long moment, first placing a kiss on top of her head and then on her soft lips.

_What a great surprise! I… I am a little overwhelmed, I have to admit._ Quinn laughed, a bit embarrassed while she signed the words without voicing them.

_Yes, well, me too,_ Rachel signed back, still not believing that she was actually _inside_ a theater again.

Quinn's hazel eyes searched hers. _Are you ok?_

The smaller woman nodded. _Yes, I am fine. It feels strange being here, taking in this familiar atmosphere but not participating. I need a little time to digest it, I think._

She felt a light tap on her shoulder. Santana said something and Rachel looked at Quinn who filled her in with signing and speaking at the same time.

"She's reminding us that she is also here and would like to participate in our conversation. Poor Santana feels a bit left out, I think," Quinn added for Rachel's benefit, who wasted no time in finding a retort.

"Serves her right, the little snitch. To drag me here without my prior consent…." That took Quinn by surprise.

"Oh. I thought, well, first I thought that Santana would come by herself, she did not tell me on the phone that you would come as well. I just thought you had… but apparently…" she drifted off.

"No apparently Miss Berry did not know her destination for the evening. I just dragged her along," Santana explained, watching Quinn interpret her words again into ASL.

"That about sums it up," Rachel stated with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I.. um … still overwhelmed and happy to see you here. Are you.. are you going to stay?" Quinn almost shyly asked.

Rachel shrugged, not knowing what to say. Now that she was here, she might as well stay for a little while and watch Quinn perform. It did not feel right to leave right away. She would just have to see how it went and how being there would affect her.

Quinn gently placed a kiss on Rachel's lips and gave her an encouraging smile.

_Whatever you choose to do, just know seeing you here in my dressing room is already a great gift._

"Okay." Rachel smiled back.

"Um, ok, find a seat, there is a little fridge if you are thirsty. I have to finish getting dressed," Quinn then told them with a look at the clock on the dressing table. She turned back to Rachel, who let her eyes rake over her half-dressed girlfriend, her eyes stopping at the still partially open blouse.

Blushing, she whispered: "Yeah, you better get dressed; otherwise I cannot guarantee that you'll make it on stage on time."

"Ugh, Rachel, get a grip on yourself." This retort came from Santana who was already kneeling in front of the little fridge, rummaging through its content.

Quinn stole another quick kiss from her girlfriend and turned her attention back to her stage clothes after having filled Rachel in about Santana's comment. Through the mirror, she watched Rachel turn towards the Latina, towering over her kneeling form, admonishing her for her insensitivity.

"And after all, Miss Lopez, you were the one who dragged me here. So stop whining about the consequences of your own doing. " And she plopped down onto the small couch that stood at the left wall from the door, her eyes on her girlfriend. She watched her go through all the motions that were once so familiar to her.

Rachel wondered if she could really hold up. She told herself that this was not about her, that this was for Quinn and that they were here to support her, since she had been ripped away from their nicely planned evening. Focusing on that made it easier and she slowly started to enjoy herself a bit.

Quinn threw her an apologetic smile as she started warming up her voice, running some scales. Santana had plopped down next to Rachel and watched a moment before scribbling something on the paper.

_Feels like back in Glee Club. I_ hated _singing scales._

"I know you hated practicing them, 'cause you cheated often enough," Rachel whispered back.

"Did not!" The Latina looked indignant. Rachel read her lips and wanted to disagree again when Quinn jumped in, having guessed what her girlfriend's comment was hinted at.

"Yes, Santana you did. I was sitting and standing next to you often enough to notice that you hardly ever sang the scales. You just moved your mouth."

"Yeah right, sidle up with your girlfriend, traitor!" her friend pouted and Quinn chuckled.

Rachel watched the exchange, thinking that it just did not matter anymore who cheated and who did not, she would not be able to tell the difference now anyway. She looked at the floor, concentrating on taking even breaths. Trying to distract herself, she then looked to the clock, fifteen more minutes to go. That did not leave much time for Quinn to exercise her vocal chords properly. Rachel just hoped that she had already done some warming up exercises before they came.

"Why did they call you so late? Didn't they know the other actress was sick earlier?" She blurted out before she could stop herself. "Sorry, keep on practicing, tell me later."

Quinn just nodded and continued singing. Rachel lifted her eyes and rested them on her beautiful girlfriend's face. Apparently she had switched from scales to little song passages. A singer would not sing full songs in preparation, but after the scales rather run through different passages of the songs he or she was going to perform. That way one would not overexert oneself but still get the voice smooth and flexible. As Rachel knew how it was done, the pattern was easy to recognize just by watching.

Nine months ago, when she had learned about Quinn's role in the musical version of _La Bohème_ , originally an opera from Giaccomo Puccini, she had listened to the soundtrack as soon as it was recorded. It was one of the last tracks she had bought. She roughly remembered the overall tonality of the songs, and just like the music of the opera, one of the few she really loved, it was haunting, beautiful, cheerful at parts and plainly captivating, especially the duets. Now she wished she had paid more attention. But listening to Quinn sing and not being able to see her, had been too painful for Rachel. She had stashed the CD away and had not listen to it again. Now she wished she had, she wished she had memorized every single note of the entire show. Just to be able to recall the exact music in her mind while watching the silent pictures that were going to play out in front of her.

She felt a nudge against her arm and Santana mouthed _you ok?_ Her turmoil must have shown on her face. She tried to smile, nodded and mouthed _fine_ back in order to not disturb Quinn again. The Latina did not seem to buy it, because she kept looking at her. Then she wrote something down, handing the writing to Rachel.

_Rachel, if you want to leave, that is ok with me. I am sorry if this was being too inconsiderate or bold of me._

_Why did you do it then, Santana? Cause I don't think you did it out of a spur of the moment. You're not that shallow_ , Rachel wrote back as Quinn was still singing.

Santana shrugged. _Thought you needed a little change of scenery. Breathe in some fresh air, ya' know._

_Change of scenery? Fresh air?_ With the last comment, she gestured around the small, windowless room.

_Rachel, don't pretend you don't know. You know damn well what I mean._

"That does not happen to have anything to do with the little talk we had, does it?" Rachel did not really need an answer to that.

Santana was right. She knew damn well why she had brought her here. She just did not know in which direction her heart would tip. Would it help to spark her spirit, like Santana had hoped to push her into the right direction? Or would it just depress her beyond end?

"What little talk? Have you guys been fighting?" Quinn cut in. But before she could get an answer, the lights shortly flickered off and on.

Rachel was amused. "Do they still do that here? Don't they have like loudspeakers where they tell you how much time you have left and when to be on stage?"

Quinn chuckled. "Well, they are very traditional here." She stepped forward and bent down to pull her girlfriend up in an embrace. Then she kissed her softly on the lips, signing: _I am very happy you came, Rachel. And I am very proud of you._ Then she explained to Santana, signing in parallel:

"You can come to the side entrance of the stage. But stay close to the wall, as people will be rushing back and forth, as well as the props guys. You don't want to stand in their way." Stealing another kiss from Rachel she smiled, knowing full well that her girlfriend did not need any behavior talk, being familiar with the whole drill by heart herself. Turning one last time to Santana: "And no hitting on any actresses, is that clear?"

The Latina snorted. "As if!"

"Just remember, I know you, Santana!" With that, Quinn plucked the little matching stola from her chair and threw it over her shoulders, moving towards the door. Santana also stood up and followed Quinn out of the room.

Rachel watched them leave, rooted to the spot. Her feet could not move. Try as she might, she could not bring herself to walk over the threshold towards the back of the stage. Chewing on her lower lip, she wondered what had happened that she felt so paralyzed all of a sudden.

Having sent Quinn on her way, assuring her she would check on her girlfriend, Santana poked her head back in. When Rachel did not look at her, she stepped closer and lifted the smaller woman's head so she could see her face and read her lips.

"What's wrong?"

Rachel swallowed several times, before she could make her vocal chords work, at least in a whisper.

"Don't know. Um, I guess a need a moment. Why don't you go, I'll come in a minute." She felt Santana's gaze on her but could not meet her eyes. After a moment, the other woman turned and left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. Rachel exhaled, wondering if her friend had deliberately left the door open to know what was going on. Well, Rachel would not cry. She forbade herself that.

It was one thing to sit here in Quinn's dressing room. But going out there, actually watching her perform, coming to live as the musical equivalent of Mimi, was waking just a little too much longing in Rachel's chest. She felt bad for not being happy for Quinn, telling herself over and over that this evening was for Quinn and not her own drama.

After several deep breaths and applying a breathing technique she had learned early in her career to calm down, she finally managed to relax a little. She could do this. She could go out there and watch her girlfriend plant the best performance and that at such a short notice. She would cheer and clap for her and be proud. She would not wonder about anything else.

With one final last breath, she went to the door, opened it, turned off the light, and stepped out into the hall. Santana had indeed waited not far from the door, just around another corner, discreetly keeping her distance but still being close enough to offer her support if needed.

Rachel smiled at her, acknowledging the thoughtful gesture. "Thanks. I think I can manage."

The walked up to the back stage entry and stayed close to the side of the final stage coulisse, carefully to not cross the line on the floor that indicated that stepping over it they could be seen by some of the audience.

They still had a good view of most of the stage. Rachel took in the set-up. The curtain had not opened yet and she felt the tension in the air that was so typical of the last seconds before the show began. Quinn had her eyes closed in concentration. She stood at the opposite side of the stage, and as if sensing she was being watched, opened her eyes to unerringly find Rachel's. She threw her a loving smile and quickly flashed her hand at Rachel, with her thumb, index finger and pinky extended.

_I love you_.

One of the actors on stage followed Quinn's gaze and his eyes grew big as he recognized to whom she was sending this signal. Rachel blushed, not sure if he had understood what it meant. She sunk back a bit into the shadows and at that instant, the curtain opened. To her surprise, she felt some very faint vibrations running along the floor.

"Has the orchestra started to play?" she whispered at Santana who nodded with a questioning frown.

"Feel it." Was all Rachel said. Santana placed her hand on the back of the large wooden side panel and her eyes widened just when the music seemed to swell at that moment and with that increased the volume of the sound to run stronger along the wood around them.

Quickly the Latina scribbled something down and handed the paper to Rachel.

_Never paid much attention to that. Cool._

Rachel just nodded, gazing back at the stage, where two male characters were apparently having a sung conversation. Shifting her eyes towards Quinn, she saw her tense ever so slightly, knowing she would step out within the next seconds. It was hard not to dwell on the things she missed, the songs, the dialogues. But she tried to focus on what she _did_ perceive.

Gracefully Quinn wandered across the stage, with a little basket in her hand, looking at the displayed market stalls, sniffing at the offered flowers and spices, in her character absolutely oblivious to the looks of the two guys. She interacted with one of the woman who "sold" the goods and placed a little pack with spices into her basket, before walking on. One of the guys intercepted her and bowed deeply, pulling his hat off in the process.

Rachel guessed he was introducing himself, as Quinn started to sing her first lines. Just like the other day, it was absolutely fascinating to watch her girlfriend sing. It was also very intriguing that through her slightly different gestures and mimic she already seemed like another person. The transformation was fascinating to watch and captivated Rachel beyond means. Whenever Quinn turned a little her way, she was able to read some words from her lips and roughly remembering the action, she pieced the plot together.

Quinn's character tried to pry herself loose of the charming but a little overbearing bloke and ambled over to the flower stand, plucking one yellow gerbera from a vase, swirling it in front of her mouth, tauntingly wandering away, leaving the guy to pay. Using this distraction, her character then slipped away towards the back exit, leaving the young man to look around a little stunned, apparently wondering where his object of admiration had disappeared to so quickly.

Actually, Quinn was supposed to stay at the far side of the stage, hiding a bit behind the market set-ups. Instead, she used the short instrumental intermission to dash towards Rachel, pressing a hasty kiss on her lips, sticking the flower into her blouse at the front, boldly winking at her with one eye before sneaking out again behind another market stand to quickly steal another flower all the while acting as if nothing had happened.

That was surely not in the script and Rachel gaped at the boldness of her girlfriend. To stifle a surprised gasp, she held her hand in front of her mouth. Then she looked at her flower and back at Quinn who floated across the stage again, playing hide and seek while singing a duet with the actor from before. She gracefully weaved between the stands back and forth, teasingly letting the guy come close before disappearing again, escaping his grasp.

Santana looked at Rachel and lifted her hands in a silent question.

"I can't believe she did that!" Rachel finally managed in a hoarse whisper, looking at the flower still at her chest. "She's crazy!"

_I'd say just crazily in love,_ Santana wrote on the paper she had stashed away in her pocket.

"Yes," was all that the petite woman managed, staring with huge eyes at the stage where her girlfriend still pretend-flirted with the other actor.

Two scenes later, the blonde had a little break, but had to exit on the other side of the stage. A little breathlessly, she came up behind the two women after running around back towards where her friends still stood watching the show.

She was greeted by a smiling Rachel who expected her to make an appearance that way. Stepping towards her taller girlfriend, she hugged her, careful to not crush the token of flowery love that was still in its place.

"You are the craziest person I have ever met in the show biz, Quinn!" She huskily spoke into the actress' ear. Quinn chuckled and pulled back a little and asked with her hands:

_Couldn't resist! How are you? Is everything ok?_ Rachel knew full well that she actually meant if _she_ was ok.

"Yes. But the other actor, my god, he was so off tune!" She joked and pressed the back of her hand against her forehead in mock offense.

This comment earned her a friendly bump in the back from Santana and a smile and a kiss from Quinn. They knew what she was trying to do and it was well appreciated by the two women, understanding full well that this must have been the farthest stretch for Rachel when it came to her handicap so far. Quinn could not begin to count the many barriers her girlfriend had to cross by being here. She was not just in the vicinity of her old working place, but she had actually made her way into a theater. And not just any. It was the very one where her girlfriend was performing. Quinn would have understood fully if she had turned on her heel any second to storm out of the building, escaping all those memories being thrown into her face so plainly just by being here.

The fact that Rachel actually made her way to the back of the stage to watch her perform and not being able to enjoy the full package left Quinn stunned beyond belief. That was what had caused her bold action at the beginning of the show. Even though she had confused her colleagues momentarily by running a bit off course, she had not missed a beat and seeing Rachel's face was just so completely worth it. She would do it again and again, over and over if it helped to show her appreciation, gratefulness, acknowledgement and love to the petite woman with the great spirit. Watching Rachel move forward and face the hardest situation of it all when it came to her disability was just so rewarding for Quinn that she felt like breaking down crying all of a sudden. But hearing the musical cues for her next appearance to come up, she brushed her lips over Rachel's, quickly squeezing her against her own body and dashed back to the other side of the stage.

Santana had watched the whole exchange silently from the back. She had never seen Quinn so happy and so deeply in love before. Their connection was special in any way. Looking at Rachel, she noticed her eyes gleam, expectantly waiting for Quinn to make another appearance on stage. She wondered how Rachel endured this. Knowing full well that she was completely missing out on one dimension – the most important dimension for Santana - and still stand there apparently enjoying herself. Yes. Rachel really seemed to enjoy herself. The Latina knew that this was also due to Quinn's attention she was giving her, showing her how much she appreciated her presence.

Still resting her eyes on the other woman, she saw what had made Quinn fall for her all of a sudden. In school, Santana had always made fun of Rachel, but when it came to her singing, she secretly and later openly admitted that she was one of a kind. In her eyes it put substance to a girl she would otherwise never have given another glance. Now she realized that Rachel's voice had been just an instrument to express her inner strength. There was something in her that went beyond being incredibly capable of singing.

Rachel's eyes flickered from the stage towards Santana and back. Then she turned her head and looked at her again when she registered the expression on the Latina's face. Jutting out her chin towards the stage, she commented with a small smile:

"The interesting stuff is happening out there. The music is beautiful. I remember some of it."

Santana cleared her throat and managed a weak nod accompanied with a "Yeah." She had to shake her head to clear her thoughts. She needed to quickly - _very_ quickly – concentrate on something else. So she conjured up the next best person that came to her mind. Upon realizing whom she was thinking of, made Santana roll her eyes at herself wishing intensely for a distraction.

Apparently, the universe had heard her request as the distraction came in the form of a guy that ambled up to them, leaning against the opposite wall, gazing out onto the stage. He was wearing normal street clothes, so he was definitely not part of the ensemble. He turned his head and quickly scanned the two women. Out of the corner of her eyes, Santana noticed recognition appear on his face for which she knew was not directed at her.

He came over to them and tapped Rachel on the shoulder and she turned around. The guy was tall, in his early thirties and she remembered vaguely having seen him before somewhere. He smiled at her and started talking.

Santana turned her head and glared at him from the side. Rachel's eyes skipped between the man's lips and Santana back and forth, clearly having no idea what he was saying.

Panic rose in her and she felt her breath shorten. All the bravery she had felt before vanished in an instant. Her limitations were thrown right back into her face.

Santana scribbled quickly something on a piece of paper, which she folded and handed to Rachel. Luckily, the guy had not stopped talking and did not focus on the Latina.

Rachel held up a hand to still his string of words and glanced at the paper. In her quick thinking, Santana had jotted down some key words of what the guy was saying.

_Tom, knows u from "A story to tell", happy to c u. Ask if u work here._ To make the rouse perfect, Santana looked sternly at the two of them, placing a finger at her lips to tell them to be quiet. Then she winking quickly at Rachel, unseen by Tom.

Rachel threw her a grateful glance stuffed the paper into her jeans pocket, and turned her attention back to Tom, who stood with a slight confused look on his face. He motioned for Rachel to follow him where they could talk, but she just boldly turned on her megawatt smile, looked him in the eye and watched the insecurity disappear.

Santana observed the transformation of her friend and the reaction of the guy towards it with awe. Damn, she really was a good actress.

"Tom, how are you?" Rachel whispered. "Nice to see you again. I am sorry, but we are here to watch Quinn perform, please excuse us. We'll catch up later, ok?" The latter was a polite but clear dismissal. Rachel smiled and turned back to the stage. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw him mouth something like "oh, ok, sorry," before he turned and left with a look of disappointment on his face.

Rachel threw a quick glance at Santana and noticed her smirking. Then the Latina made a movement with her hand, sliding it forward, through the air. Not a standard ASL sign, but Rachel understood nevertheless, as the gesture was accompanied with voiced "Smoooooth!"

Rachel laughed and bumped her elbow against Santana's side in a friendly way.

"Smooth with your help, thanks! You think he noticed?"

The black haired woman shook her head. "No."

Rachel felt a bit bad of having Tom brushed off a little rudely. Hopefully, he would not hang around and wait for her. Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she tried to concentrate on the play again. Focusing on Quinn she noticed that her girlfriend occasionally sent her some very small, hardly perceptible signs that only she would understand, but that still seemed natural in Quinn's overall acting. Rachel could not stop smiling and enjoying these small tokens of love. They strengthened the secret and precious bond between them that made her eternally grateful for the experience.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know that I don't own Glee, right? And that I don't own the characters either. At least not the ones that are from the original show. You are already aware of that, I know, because I wrote this disclaimer already what feels like a trillion times… 
> 
> Thanks Nicole for keeping correcting my mistakes. Honestly, I'm always wondering why I did not see them reading over the chapter for the 100th time. I swear, especially those damn typos are hiding from me!

* * *

**Chapter 26**

Actors, prop guys and technical staff rushed back and forth and each time Rachel and Santana plastered themselves as close to the wall as possible to stay out of the way. Luckily, no one paid them much attention, except one actress who kept her gaze locked on Rachel when her character had a short intermission. Apparently, she recognized her from somewhere, but before she could approach Rachel, she was called by someone and rushed off.

Rachel let out a grateful sigh. She was relieved that she could manage to watch her girlfriend's performance, but was not ready for any interaction just yet with other actors or actresses who were unaware of her condition.

Then Quinn's last scene came up. Just like in the opera, her character also died in the musical, which was a quite a dramatic scene. The brunette quickly glanced at Santana, noticing that the woman with the tough behavior had a tell-tale shimmer in her eyes. Santana had a soft spot, Rachel had always known it, guessing that the music also helped to build up the dramatic setting. Quickly she dropped her own eyes back to her girlfriend standing on the stage, holding on to a lamp postfor support, gasping for air, her body raked by a coughing fit.

This was not an easy scene to play, having to cough, making it sound real and still keep on singing, Rachel could imagine. You just had to find the right balance to make the illness believable, but still not overexert your voice, get out of breath or trigger a real coughing fit.

The young man from the beginning, who had given Quinn's character the flower and had become her lover over the course of the story, came running and just caught her as her legs seemed to give out.

Again, Rachel was mesmerized by the intense mimic on Quinn's face. Not that it was exaggerated, just the way she gestured, grimaced in pain or managed a small smile was so moving and gripping and down to the point. She could feel so much with Antoine, who held her in his arms and gently stroke a strand of hair out of her lovely face. All he could do was hold his sick lover, tell her he loved her over and over – that at least Rachel remembered, though it would not have been hard to guess at that point of the story – and be with her.

She imagined herself in his place, having to see her lover die and it was a thought that was hard to bear. Wondering why this final scene made her react so strongly, she tried to tell herself that it was just a play. But knowing and feeling what it meant to have found the love of your life, a love that filled you completely and made you whole made her connect with the stage character Antoine on an empathic level that almost knocked her off her feet. She looked away and tried to get a grip on herself. Trying to take even breaths, she stepped backwards a bit, slowly bringing more distance between herself and the stage. Focusing on reality, taking in the back-stage surroundings helped a little to calm down and detach a bit from the storyline.

Santana threw her a short glace, making sure she was still there, before concentrating again on the play. Rachel waited until the curtain fell, then stepped closer again, finding Quinn's gaze, smiling, placing a hand on her heart in a silent sign that she absolutely loved her performance.

The blond was slowly placed on her feet by her colleague, getting ready with the rest of the cast to do the obligatory curtain calls. As Santana started clapping, Rachel joined her. Apparently the rest of the audience was cheering outside. Santana touched her own ear, pointed in the direction of the auditorium and then mouthed the words _bravo_ and _cheers_.

"You think it's a standing ovation?" Rachel then asked.

Santana wrote her answer. _Sounds like it._

Rachel smiled proudly. She was happy for Quinn that despite the rush she had managed to plant a great performance, not counting the many little improvisations she had weaved into her acting to make her feel welcome, loved and special. Rachel wondered if any of the other actors and actresses had noticed and if yes, what they thought about it.

Watching one by one of the cast step in front of the curtain to bow to the audience, Rachel decided to go back to the dressing room, before all of them would come rushing by. She informed Santana who nodded and wrote that she would follow in a second.

Rounding the corner, Rachel bumped into someone who was just on the way towards the back stage entrance. Not looking up she quickly mumbled: "Sorry," and slunk past the person. Before rounding the next corner, she snug a glimpse back at whoever she had run into.

That was a mistake, because when she recognized whom she had just crossed paths with, her heart stopped a beat. Rachel saw the woman's mouth move and knew nothing of what she said. She turned and blindly rushed to Quinn's dressing room.

Inside, she leaned against the door and slid down to the floor. Of all people, she had to run into _her_. Rachel berated herself that had not been able to react in a distant and aloof manner, but still being little emotionally distraught by that last scene, this encounter just threw her off balance. And she hated herself for how she let the other person affect her.

Rachel felt a nudge in her back as someone tried to open the door. She moved a little and when she saw Santana step inside she was relieved that it was her. She got up from the floor and hugged her, not caring what the other woman thought at that moment. Santana held her for a moment, understanding fully how Rachel must have felt. As she had followed her closely, Santana knew what made her react like that.

The smaller woman pulled back after a while, looking at the Latina.

"Did you see her? Do you know what she said? I know she said something to me. Did you hear it?" Her gaze skipped between Santana's eyes and her lips, waiting for a reaction.

Santana nodded and after a short moment of hesitation noted down her answer.

She omitted the other comment she had heard Sharon Basont mutter under her breath as she brushed past her in the hall, figuring Rachel had enough to suck on this one. She also thought it best not to mention that she had not held her breath either listening to the crap coming out of the elder woman's mouth. Santana had not met Rachel's former manager personally, but after hearing about Rachel' experience with her, she had googled the woman and knew how she looked. _Know thy enemy_ , was her rule. She handed the paper to Rachel.

_She asked "Enjoying the musical, Rachel?"_

Rachel let out a humorless laugh. "Now she is going to think I am a total fraud!"

_Why would you be a 'fraud' by being here?_ Santana wanted to know, even though she knew where this was going.

"Well, what do you think? She sees me here enjoying a musical! A _musical_ for crying out loud. After already accusing me of faking my deafness."

_Well, whatever that bitch thinks, you were here for Quinn._

"Yes, but she doesn't know that. Yet, at least."

Santana thought for a moment. _You think she might use this also against Quinn, if she finds out?_

"If she does, I am never going to forgive myself! I don't know why she would go after Quinn, if she did, it would only be to hurt me further. But maybe we are just interpreting too much into it all." Rachel tried to calm herself. She just could not figure what would be Sharon's gain. She sighed. "Let's forget about her." Rachel smiled shyly. "How was Quinn? I mean her singing?"

Santana smiled back and squeezed Rachel's arm quickly, before writing again.

_She was great. Honestly. Her voice has matured so much, it sounds beautifully. This is the perfect role for her._

She watched Rachel closely as she read her words. When she finished, Santana tapped her arm again to get her attention and held out her hand to get the paper back.

_How was it for you?_ She asked with a slightly concerned look as she searched Rachel's eyes.

The petite woman let out a long breath, then shrugged. "It was fascinating to watch her perform and only concentrate on her acting. But I'd be lying if I said I did not miss the singing, the music, hearing the audience react. I only experienced half of it. But at least that half I enjoyed. And the little crazy things that Quinn did made it so much more fun to watch."

_Well, if Sharon bitch had not destroyed the mood, this could have been a nice evening_. Santana remarked, which made Rachel tense and the Latina quickly appologized. _Sorry, just can't get past that woman's attitude. But I am glad that you could enjoy the evening a little bit despite what else happened. Hope our star will come back soon._

"Santana, yes, meeting Sharon rattled me a bit, well, more than it should, but I will not let it diminish everything else, least the performance of my girlfriend!" She smiled, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Right on mark, Quinn entered the room and looked at that two other women.

"What's going on?" she asked both signing and aloud, her eyes switching between Rachel and Santana, picking up on the slight tension that still lingered in the room.

With a quick glance at Rachel Sanana explained: "Well your girlfriend just had a not so nice encounter with the queen of asshole county."

"With whom?" Quinn's eyes skipped from Santana to Rachel and back. Before Rachel could answer, Santana jumped in.

"That Sharon bitch. She ran into her in the hallway. And this brainless twit had nothing better to do than giving off unqualified remarks about Rachel being here."

"She what!?" Quinn stemmed her hands at her hips. She felt her pulse quicken and her anger rise again at the thought of Rachel being confronted with that horrible woman.

Santana repeated what she had witnessed and then asked: "What is she doing here anyway?"

Quinn shrugged: "I don't know. It is not uncommon for managers to visit shows and seek out actors. Sometimes they try to buy them out of their current contracts if they show promising talent. Even though that's unfair practice, it happens. Maybe she was on a mission. Whatever her reason for being here is, I can't believe she would say something like that to Rachel. I won't let her harass Rachel again. This bitch!"

"Yeah, I'm with you on this one," Santana agreed.

Rachel touched Quinn's arm.

"I lost you after Santana told you about me having met Sharon. What… what are you two talking about?" She then asked looking back and forth between both women, seeing them getting all worked up about their conversation.

Turning to Rachel Quinn noticed the confusion displayed on her face. In all her anger and focus on Sharon Basont, she had completely forgotten to use ASL to accompany their words and thus shut Rachel out of their conversation completely. Quinn felt herself pale at being so inconsiderate towards her girlfriend and quickly signed, shame covering her face.

_I am so sorry, Rachel, I was just so upset that I did not think of interpreting. Please forgive me._

"What were you two discussing?" Rachel simply repeated her question after nodding at Quinn's apology. The blonde repeated her and Santana's conversation for her.

"Quinn, I already told Santana, being behind the stage at a musical production is not the most logical place for a deaf person to be, you have to admit that."

"Well, maybe it is if that person used to be a singer before. There are many reasons I can think of for you being here, despite being deaf. Maybe you wanted to visit some old friends, maybe you … I don't know, whatever your reason is, you _don't_ have to justify yourself! Not ever and not in front of that bitch!" Quinn was adamant as her hands sliced the air in front of her.

Rachel did not comment on it, another thought struck her mind. Quinn had told her about the conversation she had with Santana about Sharon some weeks ago. So Rachel knew about the Latina's vehement reaction at the description of her former manager's behavior regarding her deafness.

The small burnette had actually been a bit surprised that Santana wanted to _'go and nail that bitch'_ as Quinn had described it so fittingly in Santana-style. It honored her to know that she seemed to have found a friend in the Latina who would stand up and fight for her. Then again, knowing Santana and Quinn, each on her own could make the wallpaper catch fire with the sparks that emitted their anger. With one of them or both together on a path of vengeance, Rachel did not want to think about the consequences for the receiving end of their wrath.

So she felt a bit uneasy knowing that Santana had been alone with Sharon in the hallway, even for just a short moment. If the Latina was so close behind her and if she had heard what Sharon had told her, Rachel was not sure the Latina had held her breath.

"Santana, I hope you haven't said anything to Sharon, have you?"

Santana quickly looked between Quinn and Rachel. Then she shrugged.

"Well. What did you want me to do? Just ignore her?"

Quinn signed along Santana's words.

"Santana," Rachel groaned. "What did you say to her?

"Not much. I asked if she didn't get it and that speaking to you, especially in that tone, was just ignorant and disrespectful."

Quinn clenched her jaw. Before she could say anything, Rachel cut her short after having read the respective signs.

"Why would you even talk to her? She doesn't know you and she is – was - not aware that you have any knowledge about her and me!"

"For god's sake, Rachel, she is a mean and heartless asshole! Even Sue Sylvester had more heart than her! And that means something. Sharon is a bitch and I don't like anyone hurting my friends."

Rachel had already taken a breath to respond when reading the last sentence in ASL took the wind out of her sails. Santana truly saw her as a friend. She was not quite sure why she was surprised by that statement. Well, maybe because she always had seen Santana as Quinn's friend and thought the Latina was just nice to her because she was her best friend's girlfriend.

Some of her doubts and surprise must have shown themselves on her face, because Santana looked at her, narrowing her eyes.

"What, Berry, did it surprise you that I call you a friend?" Santana chuckled.

Quinn struggled for a moment, deciding if to actually sign _'Berry'_ or exchange it for ' _Rachel'_. She hated it when Santana called Rachel by her last name. Then she thought that it would not be fair to change anything, neither towards Santana nor Rachel. But she could not suppress rolling her eyes as she finger spelled Rachel's last name with her interpretation.

"Yes, _Lopez_ , indeed it does." Rachel quirked an eyebrow pointedly at the Latina with her response.

Santana smirked at hearing Rachel call her by her last name.

"Well, I care about you Rachel. I really do. And not just because you are Quinn's girlfriend."

Rachel held Santana's eyes for a long moment, and then inclined her head in admission.

"Did she say anything to your comment?" Quinn then asked Santana the next obvious question, taking up the thread of their original conversation. In parallel she cherished the small valuable exchange she just had witnessed between the other two women.

Santana stayed quiet for a moment. Then mumbled: "It's not important what she said," without looking at either of her friends.

"Well, what are you not telling, Santana?" Quinn exchanged a quick glance with Rachel.

Hesitating another moment the tall woman then stated unwillingly: "If you must know, she said _'she is as deaf as I am the Queen of England and just took one step too far_."

"Ok, that's it. Rachel, I'm not gonna let that woman ruin you. I've said that before, but now I really mean it!"

Rachel placed a hand on Quinn's arm afraid she would immediately rush out the door there to seek Sharon out.

"Quinn, please. You have agreed to wait until something happens. So far, she hasn't done anything except to give off unjustified comments. And if she does turn her threats into action, however they will look like, you still have to talk to me first before you act on impulse. You hear me, Quinn?"

Seeing her lovers features become hard with anger made Rachel wish that she would never be on the receiving side if Quinn vented it. She had to try to keep the lid on for now. How did the saying go? _Revenge is a dish best served cold._

Nevertheless, knowing Sharon Rachel feared that the manager would win any battle that might be started by either party. And she was still not up to facing such a dispute, neither in private nor public. She just did not want to waste the time and energy. Moreover, she did not want this to have any repercussions on Quinn. This is what worried her most. Even if Sharon wanted to openly disgrace her, Rachel, and call her a liar, being set on destroying her reputation for whatever fucked-up reason, she did not care as long as it kept her attention away from Quinn. But that was only possible if she managed to keep Quinn away from Sharon as well.

Then another thought struck her. Maybe she _was_ here for Quinn. Maybe she wanted to check her out.

Quinn thought about that for a moment when Rachel spoke her concern out loud.

"No, I think she is here for Michael," she then answered and continued with an explanation. "He's the guy who played Antoine. I know that his contract expires in a couple of weeks and he is looking for a new manager, since he isn't happy with his current one. Hope that he also has other options. He is a nice guy."

Rachel hoped that he was the reason for Sharon being here.

"Yeah, maybe that's it," Santana commented. "You and him looked cute together on stage, by the way."

Rachel nodded. There was a good chemistry between them and Quinn seemed to like Michael. That made acting out such an intense storyline much easier, Rachel knew from her own experience. She recalled the tall handsome guy and his interaction with her girlfriend on stage.

"He got to kiss you." She then blurted out, feeling a little like a kid that had to share her most precious gift. That thought made her want to laugh at herself, but she quickly sobered.

Did Quinn detect a little jealousy there? Observing her girlfriend, she noticed Rachel's little pout, looking quite cute the way she pushed her lower lip out, looking at her from under her lashes. Quinn stepped closer and chuckled.

"You know it's just pretend, right?" She smiled softly and leaned her forehead against Rachel's after finishing signing.

"Hmhm. But you've got to kiss me, too! For real!"

Quinn dipped her head and placed a sweet kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

_There, better?_ She then asked with her hands.

Rachel smiled. "Much!"

"Ugh! Listen, you two lovebirds. Before you start making out in front of me - and I can totally see the allure in doing it in a Broadway dressing room with a hot actress - I'm gonna get outta here. Just got a message from a friend asking me to join her for drink." Santana stated, looking up from her phone. "Can I leave you two alone?"

Waiting until Quinn had finished signing, she continued after both women had nodded in answer to her question. "Great show, Q! Gotta admit, you really swept the audience off their seats with your performance."

Rachel could not resist. "Just them or you as well, Santana?" She asked with a meaningful smile playing around her lips.

Knowing that she was busted, the Latina admitted: "Yeah, well. Me, too. You were awesome, Quinn!"

"Thanks, Santana!" The blonde was genuinely pleased by the compliment.

"And I won't tell her that you had a gooey-eyed look on your face during the last scene," Rachel teased, which awarded her with a good-natured:

"Shut up!" from Santana. Then she threw a:"See ya later," at both of them and was out of the door with a little wave.

Quinn looked at the closed door and then commented her friend's exit.

_My, she was in a rush to get out of here. Either she really is eager to meet that '_ friend' _or she is after Sharon._

"Don't say that Quinn. I don't want either of you to do anything yet. Please. And please forget her for now. Ok? Let's get you ready and get home. You didn't take long for your curtain calls, by the way. Any particular reason for that? Did the audience diss you?" she asked teasingly.

Quinn smiled and shook her head. _No, for once I only cared about one person in the audience, and that person was waiting in my dressing room._

Rachel beamed at her and then grabbed Quinn's hand, pulling her to her seat in front of the mirror. She reached for the make-up removal utensils and started to gently wipe off the excess maquillage. She worked in silence, wanting to give her girlfriend some time to digest the evening. Rachel had always liked the solitude of her dressing room after the buzz and activity on and off stage following the performance and curtain calls. It had always given her the possibility to refelect the evening and calm down from the exitement.

Quinn closed her eyes obediently and reveled in the touch of her lover's hands, mixed with little kisses she placed on her lips in between changing the used cotton pads for clean ones. It was nice to just quietly enjoy the tender touches and care after the adrenaline rush that always came with performing.

...…...

After having gotten rid of the excess make-up and costumes, Quinn and Rachel made their way out of the theater through the back entrance. Luckily this was none of the nights where fans lingered outside to ask for autographs. Reaching 45th street, they looked around, but there was no cab in sight, and after a while and tired of waiting Quinn grudgingly conceded to Rachel's suggestion to take the subway.

They stood on the train platform waiting for the train to arrive. When it rushed in, they leisurely strode in and picked a seat, as not too many passengers were waiting with them. The train picked up speed and left the station. Close to the waiting platforms, lights were still fixed to the tunnel walls that rushed by in an eerie blur. Further down the tube, the only light provided came from the subway car itself.

Shortly before their second last stop, the train reduced its speed abruptly and came to a halt in between two stations. Quinn slid into Rachel, as they sat sideways to the direction in which they were going. Rachel had managed to hold on to her seat with a grunt and thus avoided both of them falling off their seats. The lights in the car flickered shortly and then died. The other passengers sharing their car almost gasped in unison at the situation.

Rachel sat motionless for a second, waiting for the lights to go on again. Or at least for some emergency lights to come on. A few moments passed and nothing happened. It was pitch-black and she had no idea what was going on around her. She felt her throat constrict, finding it more and more difficult to force air into her lungs. She let her eyes roam around her in hopes for something she could see.

Rachel felt for Quinn's hand next to her, squeezing it tight, still trying to level out her breathing. It was just so frightening not being able to know what was going on. If she could at least hear the other people, but the only secure knowledge she had was that Quinn was sitting next to her, wrapping her arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

After the initial moments of shock, some people were turning on their cell phones, the little screens giving off some light, but not enough to ease orientation. As there was no reception anyway, soon they turned them off again to save the battery. Again, Rachel was thrown into a black, soundless world.

She pressed close to Quinn, desperately trying not to become hysterical. Rachel felt Quinn's chest vibrate, apparently trying to sooth her somehow, however much good this did on a verbal level. Still she appreciated the gesture, seeing that her girlfriend understood her fear and panic. After a moment, she felt Quinn trying to pull back her hand which Rachel still held in a deathly grip, but she could not command her fingers to loosen and let go. She was frozen in fear. When Quinn tried to free her other arm, she only managed to shake her head and whisper "no," in a choked voice.

Quinn was at a loss. She had no idea how to communicate with Rachel. Sign language would not work as she would not be able to see her hands. And Rachel would have to let go of her hands first, anyway. Quinn wanted to reach into her purse to pull out her own mobile phone. This way they would be able to at least communicate via text message, because those would be visible in the dark wagon.  
She could absolutely understand Rachel's state of terror. Usually Rachel could at least visually assure herself what was going on around her, but being robbed of two senses was just too much. Quinn needed to communicate with her somehow, raking her brain to find a solution without having to let go of the small body pressed into her.

Finally, she had an idea.

Rachel had no clue what Quinn was doing at first. She only knew that she could not let go of that hand she so fiercely gripped. It was her lifeline; her only connection to sanity; the only connection that kept her from breaking down into hysterical sobs. When she felt her girlfriend wanting to move and berate Rachel of her only hold that kept her safe, she could not allow this. Then she felt Quinn's movements cease for a moment, apparently having noticed the other woman's predicament, for which Rachel was indescribable grateful.

What surprised her then was that Quinn's hand shifted again ever so slightly, but without moving away. She just rearranged her hand in her gripp. It felt strange and she gave Rachel's hand a small shake as if to draw her attention to it. At first she had no idea what Quinn wanted to tell her, but then she felt her do the same motion again.

Slowly Quinn formed a _'c'_ from the finger alphabet with her hand that laid in Rachel's. It took a moment until Rachel realized what she was doing. So Quinn purposefully repeated the gesture until she caught on. Tentatively the brunette then grazed her fingers over her girlfriend's offered hand and understood. She was trying to tell her something concrete through the finger alphabet.

Next Quinn placed three fingers on her thumb for 'e', next the letter 'l' came twice . When she changed the position of her fingers each time, she felt Rachel's trace her own and nod against her shoulder when she got the meaning of the letters. With the next word she only needed to form the first three letters 'p', 'h' and 'o'.

Rachel caught on to the whole message and Quinn did not need to finish. She loosened her grip at least this much that Quinn could get her phone. Rachel felt a bit embarrassed that she had not come up with this idea of just grabbing her own and write a text message. Instead she had shifted right into full panic mode. She was still shaking and found it hard to calm down, even though she knew she was not alone. But her primal instincts would not let themselves be so easily convinced by her rational mind that tried to convince her that everything would be ok, that she was safe. It took all her strength to concentrate on the contact with Quinn, on taking one breath after the other, slowly and deeply to avoid hyperventilating.

When would this damn train finally move on? She wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. She needed light, she needed to be able to assess the situation around her, she needed some control back. That was the most scaring thing about it all. She had no control and no means of gaining it back without being able to at least see.

So when Quinn's mobile entered her vision, she was glad for the distraction and possibility to communicate again.

_Rachel, we are safe, nothing is going to happen, ok? I am here for you. You are not alone._

When she was sure her girlfriend had read the message, she held the phone up to illuminate her own face and turned a bit so Rachel could see her eyes. She wanted her to be absolutely sure that Quinn would be there for her in this frightening situation and that she could lean on her. Rachel bent forward, touching her forehead with her own, nodding.

"Thank you," she then heard her whisper with a shaky voice. "Do you know what happened?"

Quinn shook her head, just as someone with a flashlight and a signal vest entered the wagon. The guy stood in the middle and shortly announced that there had been a short circuit due to some construction work that unfortunately severed the whole cable beam responsible for the tunnel's electricity. The short circuit had looped back into the train and affected the emergency generators as well. Therefore it was not possible to get any lights on or get the train moving on its own.

They were currently trying to fix the damage. It would probably take another half hour until they should be able to get moving again or at least be towed or pushed out to the next station by an emergency car. So far the transit authorities had decided that it was safest for the passengers to stay in the car and wait, instead of being evacuated through the tunnel, as the repairs or the towing possibility were quite imminent.

Rachel's eyes moved between the official and Quinn, but due to the dim lightning she had no chance of grasping anything that was being said. She tried to be patient and wait until Quinn was able to type the message into her phone.

"Another half hour?" she then asked breathlessly as she read the message. "They could have at least brought some lamps." The prospect of further being trapped in this situation was not very appealing to Rachel, to say the least. She moved closer to Quinn again, who slung her arm around her shoulders protectively, pulling her close. Her mobile phone lay in her lap and she decided she needed to distract Rachel and herself.

Picking up the device, she typed another message:

_Do you know which songs Kurt has chosen for his wedding? I'm sure he has planned this already down to the last minute :-)_

Holding the screen in front of Rachel, the other woman perked up and then took it out of Quinn's hand to type her answer.

_Yes, but I was sworn to secrecy upon death penalty should I spill anything about it._

_Good Lord, is it really that bad? What on earth did he chose? Lemme guess: either Sarah Brightman or … or… haha, Barry White!_

Rachel gulped when she saw the words, for once being glad that it was otherwise dark inside the train car. Because Quinn would have seen the tell-tale signs on her face that she had hit the bulls eye with her remark. She quickly let her thumb fly over the letters in a little lie.

_No. Way off. You'll never guess._ Then she asked herself why she was typing her answers. Probably because she could not see Quinn's reaction to know her words reached her. Nevertheless the next words she spoke out aloud. "Give it up Quinn. You know Kurt, he'll have some extravaganza planned that you can never ever imagine."

Quinn snatched her phone back, throwing her girlfriend a challenging look that she could not see.

_Exactly. I know Kurt. So the game is on, Rachel. Before they get married, I_ will _know which music they will play._

"Fine, if you want to escort me to the guillotine, then don't hold back. Kurt will think that I spilled the beans. Maybe he will even un-invite me – us - from the wedding. That would do, Quinn."

_C'mon, Rachel, he doesn't have to know! We will tell him after the wedding._

"We? You, Quinn, only you. I'll have nothing to do with this. I gave him my promise. Even you can't make me break that," she said with a smile and leaned into Quinn a little to show that she was not really angry, just mocking offense.

_Fine, just me. Oh I have another song inspiration: Going to the chapel by The Dixie Cups!_

"Good Lord." Rachel sighed; already imagining being woken up in the night only having to "listen" to Quinn's outrageous song suggestions that Kurt might have chosen.

_What's that sigh for?_

"Nothing." She leaned her head against Quinn's shoulder. "I want to get out of here. Now. Can we please get moving again?" She then mumbled under her breath. "This is really unnerving."

Quinn reached around Rachel's shoulder again, holding her close, typing _I know_ with one hand on her mobile phone. She already felt oppressed by the atmosphere in this damn train, with hardly any light, not knowing when they would get out. She was anxiously listening to the conversations and little movements around her and she could only guess how Rachel must feel. Hard as it was, she was glad that she was with her. Quinn had never favored enclosed surroundings, tunnels creeped her out and taking the subway had usually to be avoided at any cost. Of course something like that had to happen once she decided to be on one. Perfect example of Murphy's law.

Then they sat in silence for a while, leaning into each other, neither of them knowing what to say for the moment, silently praying to be relieved of this situation soon.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own Glee, don't own its original characters!
> 
> I have to thank summer1234 for the wonderful insights and explanations shared!
> 
> Thank you for the kudos you left!

**Chapter 27**

After a while, Quinn pulled her arm back and rubbed her forehead. Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's back, just below her neck. The blonde appreciated the comforting gesture to reestablish their physical connection.

Despite it being November, it felt sticky and hot in the train now that the ventilation was cut off as well. Hopefully they could get out before they all started to suffocate. Goddamn cabs! They always appear all at once when the shows are over to ferry the people to wherever they want to go, so later, when the actors were leaving most of the yellow cars were driving elsewhere around the city. Quinn didn't like taking the subway; no matter how convenient it usually was – IF you did not get stuck in a tunnel in the dark. She preferred wide and open spaces.

Even as a kid, she had never liked going down into the cellar. Well, that probably was a typical kid thing. It was never much the dark that bothered her about it, but just the thought of having such a massive structure of concrete resting above her head when being down below had always been disconcerting for her. This was one of the reasons she preferred her apartment being on one of the upper floors. And it also granted her a nicer view, more light and there was no one making noises above her.

She bent forward and rested her elbows on her thighs. Her movement caused Rachel to slide her right hand along her back, letting it rest lightly between her shoulder blades. Quinn was glad that she was not stuck there alone. Even though she knew it must be so much harder for her girlfriend to endure, she drew comfort from Rachel's presence. Just the little soothing gesture of feeling her hand was already helping.

"You ok?" She then heard Rachel's low voice ask.

Not sure if she would be able to see her in the eerie, hardly any light was cast off from the cell phones around them, where people were still trying to get some connection; she took Rachel's hand and placed it on her own left cheek, nodding shortly. She let her own hand cover Rachel's, holding it in place. Then she felt Rachel tugging her down gently with the hand that still rested on her back and she lowered herself until her head rested in the petite woman's lap. Quinn gave in to the small hands softly caressing her head and shoulders. She just wished they were lying in bed instead of being stranded in a subway.

When one of Rachel's hands came near her lips, she quickly placed a kiss on it, causing one of the caressing fingers to slowly trace her lips. Before it wandered off towards her nose, she gave it another peck and then let it explore further. After the finger had followed the shape of her nose, it trailed off to her right ear and then stopped. She felt Rachel move.

After what felt like an eternity, Rachel noticed some light at the tunnel wall out of the corner of her eye. She nudged Quinn slightly and pointed outside once she sat up. It was very faint, but there seemed to be something coming from behind. God, hopefully it would not crash into them at full speed – whatever it was.

Not having quite finished that thought, they felt something bump into their train as a small jolt ran through the structure of the waggon. Rachel gasped and grabbed Quinn's hand. A short moment later they felt the train moving and with agonizing slowness it crept through the tunnel towards the next station. The former diva could not hold back the sigh of relive when she saw the lights of the next station approach. Even though they were only battery powered emergency lamps the personnel had placed along the platform, it was better than that darkness they had endured during the past hour.

When they were exiting, Rachel noticed another train behind theirs. Apparently it had pushed their subway into the station. Wondering shortly how the engine could work with all the power still gone, she turned around to look for Quinn. She noticed her right behind her and felt her place a hand on her back, applying a soft pressure as if to say _I'm here._ That's all she needed to know and so she focused on getting out of there as quickly as possible.

Assuming Quinn was still behind her; Rachel rushed out with the other people, brushing by other passengers, not caring whom she bumped into. Only when they were outside did Rachel finally slowed her steps. She gulped down some fresh air. Turning around she was momentarily confused when she did not see Quinn right away.

Quinn had a hard time staying behind her girlfriend, but she finally managed to catch up on top of the stairs.

_Rachel, are you ok? I thought you were going to run all the way home,_ Quinn asked when she reached her.

The brunette nodded. "Yes, sorry, I… I just had to get out. I needed…. I felt like I was in a cage down there."

Quinn placed an arm around Rachel's shoulders and pulled her against herself in a comforting hug. The she let go again to sign.

_I know. It was claustrophobic even for me._

That surprised Rachel. "It was? You seemed so calm down there."

Quinn just shrugged. _I was surprised that most people stayed so calm anyway. Besides, just your presence made it easier for me to bear, knowing that I was not alone._

"My presence? How could my presence have helped? I was a wreck down there most of the time." Rachel did not understand.

Quinn searched for the right words to explain.

_Rachel, you held up pretty well down there, considering the circumstances. And communicating with you helped to keep my mind off the fact that we were stuck in the dark god knows how many feet below the surface of the earth. I am no fan of tunnels or elevators. I endure it if I must, but I try to avoid it whenever I can. Why of all nights all cabs must be occupied or be somewhere else in this city tonight I don't know. Who would have known a subway ride could become a nightmare._

"I didn't know that subways and elevators were on your avoid-list," Rachel remarked as they started walking.

They were not too far from Quinn's home. They just got out one station too early. Despite the late hour and the promise of winter in the air, they agreed to walk the rest of the way home. Rachel needed to walk off her anxiety and she could not fathom being cooped up in close surroundings again, even if it was just the inside of a cab. Quinn was also content in stretching her legs a bit, despite having spent her evening on stage. She commented on Rachel's remark.

_I don't mention it if I don't have to. It seems kind of silly and awkward considering that subways are quite a practical and convenient thing to get around,_ she signed, turning sideways slightly so Rachel could see her hands. _Besides, being afraid of elevators when I'm living in New York City with all the skyscrapers is not helping either. But at least it using the stairs keeps me fitter than other people,_ she added with a small grin.

"Well, I now share the sentiment for subways. I know what you meant when you said that subways can be a treacherous thing when you invited me for dinner for the first time." Rachel said in a low voice. Quinn had meant it as a joke at that time, but tonight, it had not felt like one. She could not shake off the feeling of entrapment and absolute loss of control.

Quinn squeezed her girlfriend's shoulders in response as she looped her arm around her again. They walked on in silence because it was a little difficult for Quinn to walk and sign at the same time as she would have to keep twisting sideways.

Rachel pondered over Quinn's words. She felt bad that in all her own panic she had not paid more attention to Quinn's state of mind. Added to the still lingering anxiousness and fear, now also guilt washed through her in waves. Hopefully these feelings would ebb away soon. Her mind kept telling her that everything was ok.

When they finally reached Quinn's apartment, the blonde dashed off to use the bathroom. Santana did not seem to be home yet as the place was dark when they entered and it was not that late for Santana to be in bed already.

Rachel quickly walked around the apartment and turned on every light she could find. It seemed irrational, but she could not stop herself. She needed light. She needed to at least be able to _see_. Then she dropped her bag on the table. The petite woman did not know what to do with the emotions that were raging inside her. When they were walking, she had managed to keep them in check. But now that they were home, she had no grip on them anymore.

One part of Rachel was totally exhausted from that day's experience; one other part was still high strung with tension, not wanting to let her rest. The whole apartment blazed bright with lights, every single lamp was turned on while she started to pace back and forth between the couch and the dining table to walk off some of the anxiety that still lingered in her body and mind.

Even though she was back on safe ground, she could not stop the events of the last few hours to reappear in her mind. First the encounter with Sharon, then the horrible hour trapped in the soundless dark in the subway.

As far as she had come all these weeks, accepting more and more about herself and her condition, meeting friends, facing new situations, even watching a musical _live_ , these two happenings seemed to throw her back into the hole she had thought to have escaped. She forced the tears back; she did not want them to blur her vision, and compromise her again, even if it was just such small laps in vision. She pressed her hands to her temples, her eyes on the floor. She needed to stop this.

Now.

It would not help to let herself be dragged into all those negative memories again. Besides, Quinn had to digest these things as well and it would not be fair to her if Rachel did not lend her some more support. Especially knowing the reason behind Quinn's preference for cabs now.

She raised her head and noticed Quinn standing at the edge of the table, one hand resting lightly on the back of a chair, watching her with a concerned look.

Quinn motioned towards the lights flooding her apartment.

_Shall we leave them on for the night?_ She simply asked.

Rachel nodded, swallowing hard. "Yes please. But I can't go to sleep yet," she whispered hoarsely. "I don't want to close my eyes, but I also feel so tired." Quinn was still watching her. Rachel was torn between falling into her arms for comfort and taking up her pacing again. So she stayed where she was.

"I can't imagine what I would have done had I been alone in that subway. I was so scared. I never ever want to feel so trapped and so helpless again," Rachel continued in a small voice, still not having the strength to speak out loud.

Quinn had the feeling that her girlfriend was withdrawing from her into her own world of fear and doubts again. She stepped closer and placed her left hand on Rachel's hip to re-create some physical connection. She saw the smaller woman take a deep breath, before she continued.

"What do I do in case of an emergency? I can't communicate with _anyone_. Or well, no one can communicate with _me_. I did not even think to use my cell phone when I panicked. You had to come up with the idea. And I failed you, Quinn. I hardly thought of asking you how you felt down there! Now that I know about your dislike towards subways and the reason behind it, I feel even more ashamed. I cannot ask you to always be the strong one, to be there for me. You also need someone to lean on." She took another deep breath for moment, then continued with barely a whisper: "And I am not sure that I can be that someone." She pulled back, away from Quinn's touch.

Quinn had never expected that Rachel would come so far, facing so many new situations in such a short time. It just seemed unfair that these two unfortunate events threw her back into a state of self-doubt and insecurity again, but if she put herself in Rachel's shoes, she had to admit that she would probably feel the same.

Quinn let her arms sink and just stood staring at Rachel. Her withdrawal physically hurt her. She felt her stomach clench. She had never expected it to be easy to convince Rachel of her love and acceptance, but it just did not seem fair of Rachel to ignore the fact that she was the most important pillar in Quinn's life, that _she_ was the one that Quinn needed to lean on. Again acknowledging how losing her hearing would have a negative impact on her self-esteem and self-appreciation and seeing how hard Rachel really tried to face each difficulty to move forward, she remembered her vow to help her each step of the way. No matter how often Rachel needed to be reminded of it, Quinn would never tire of telling her how much she meant to her.

_Rachel, you are everything I need, just the way you are. When I see you, I am home, no matter where we are. Yes, currently you need to lean on me a little more in some situations. But believe me, I also draw strength from you too. And I am sure that there will be a time when I will be down and will need more of your strength._

"As if," Rachel muttered under her breath, not realizing she had echoed the same words used by Santana earlier that evening, though in a different content. She dropped her gaze to the floor. Quinn smacked her hand down on the table in frustration. This movement caught Rachel attention again. Without hesitation, Quinn continued.

_I am already leaning on you now! I would have been a whole lot more scared if it had not been for you. Not because you needed me down there, but because I thought that you face your own fears and obstacles and disappointments bigger than mine and still you keep on going every day. Your strength helped me to stay calmer then I normally would have. I thought if you can somehow manage to live with your loss every single day, I can stay strong in my own fear as well. But I truly wish I had that kind of strength Rachel. You might not be aware of it, but you carry both of us through this._

Quinn took a small step closer before she continued.

_Through showing me what you are capable of every day, I dare to push myself harder. Through your love and forgiveness and acceptance I allow myself to feel more, to look into myself, to accept myself.  
Don't you dare tell me that you might not be the one I need or that you are not the person I can lean on. Because I need you, Rachel Berry, like the air to breathe. Because you show me who I truly am. I never dared to look before, afraid of what I might find. _

Rachel did not say anything, but at least Quinn still had her attention. She kept her eyes on her girlfriend's face as she continued signing.

_Our musical director told me that tonight was my best performance so far. He joked that he would call me on short notice more often now. But that was not the reason why I seemed to be better than all the other nights._ Quinn did not wait for an answer, afraid that Rachel would find her own counterarguments.  
 _Do you want to know why? Because I thought of you. I saw you in front of me the whole time. Not just in my mind, but in real life! You were there and every time I got a glimpse of you at the rim of the stage, my heart beat faster and I sang about our love and felt our connection. Don't you see? Through our love we can grow above ourselves._

Quinn contemplated if it had been too selfish to mention the praise she had received that evening. She had not mentioned it to taunt Rachel, but to make her point of what heights loving her had made her reach.

Rachel bit her lip while contemplating Quinn's words. Why did her heart always have its own opinion when her mind came up with such good arguments of its own to diminish everything? And why was her heart's voice always so much louder, drowning out everything else that her rational mind came up with?

_Come on Rachel, you feel how much you mean to her. Why do you keep feeling so insecure about her and her love for you?_

_Because she is perfect and I am far from it_! Her mind answered back. But her heart did not let itself be deterred by this comment. It came up with its own reasoning when her mind had nothing left to say.

_She is perfect because you see her like that. Maybe you can grant her the same admission towards you?_

Oh god, her heart just repeated the same words Quinn had also told her some weeks ago.

Quinn watched Rachel press the heel of her hand against her heart. Her eyes were unfocused and she wondered where she had drifted off to in her thoughts. Had she understood anything she had tried to tell her? Thinking back on everything that had happened that evening, it was almost understandable that Rachel did not want to discuss things further. But the state she now seemed to be in was a bit worrying. Just when Quinn wanted to step towards her and shake her out of her haze, brown eyes focused back on her for a short moment before looking at her own hand.

Rachel slowly lifted her hand away from her chest and grazed her finger over her palm, as if she could feel the words her heart had tried to tell her. Finally she found the strength to speak up again.

"I don't know how many times I will have these ups and downs. I do wish they would become less over time. I am trying and I hope you won't lose your patience with me. I can only guess how exhausting it must be for you to have me going through all these emotions and doubts over and over." Only then did she let her gaze rest on the green orbs opposite of her.

"I keep wishing that every time I go through this, it is going to be the last time. Only to go through the exact same motion of anxiety and uncertainties in the next difficult situation."

_Rachel, don't you see that even though you feel like taking a step backwards every time something happens that you actually take two steps forward? Look at where you have been tonight, what you have managed! Yes, you met Sharon and it threw you off balance a little. Nevertheless, you told Santana and me to back down, you kept your head on, you stayed cool and rational about it when we wanted to rush after her. Yes, you panicked in the subway, nevertheless you managed to trust me, and you managed to work through your panic to understand my signals. You did not let your fear consume you completely. And you held me down there, comforted me despite your fear. That is what I mean by strength. You cannot always shake off your fear._ _But you can accept it and work around it. This is what you did today._ _And doing so needs strength._

Quinn stepped closer, looking Rachel deep in the eyes, trying to not speak or move her hands. This was beyond mere words. She needed Rachel to know that she was safe; that whatever happened, they would get through it and everything would be ok.

Then she cupped Rachel's face with one hand, never letting her eyes waver. Under her touch, she felt the trembles in her girlfriend's body. She wanted to hug her desperately, but felt that it would probably be too much for Rachel in her current state so she stood where she was, transmitting all her love, calmness and security through her gaze and simple touch.

Rachel did not pull away. She leaned into this touch after a moment, tilting her head sideways slightly to press it harder against Quinn's hand, squeezing her other hand to enforce the connection. She was grateful that Quinn left her some room and still managed to offer her a hold and strength that she could lean on. After a while of just looking at each other and reveling in that touch, Rachel felt some of the anguish ease. She was able to take deeper and even breaths, noticing the tension in her shoulders dissipate, being able to finally relax her taut muscles a bit.

After a moment Quinn bent forward slowly and when she did not feel any resistance, she pulled the petite woman closer and captured the full lips with hers. Rachel's response was hesitant, but when she felt the longing coming from Quinn, she leaned into the kiss, let her tongue meet Quinn's and melt together with her. Both women moaned in synchrony, but only one of them noticed it. And it turned the blond woman on a little to hear Rachel's and her own desire being voiced involuntarily at the same time.

Finally Quinn pulled away, needing to catch her breath. Her eyes rested on Rachel's flushed face, her lips red from kissing. Gently the blonde tucked a loose and unruly strand of chocolate brown hair back behind Rachel's ear. Letting her hand rest there, she slowly followed the delicate lines of her ear-shell with the pad of her thumb.

Without letting go, she managed to sign with one hand: Y _ou are so beautiful!_ And she pulled her girlfriend close in a very long embrace, resting her chin slightly on the other woman's head.

Rachel had felt Quinn's finger stroke her ear and noticed the loving look on her face while doing so. The touch had sent tingles down her spine. When the blond pulled her close, she readily gave in and closed her arms around her. Resting her head on Quinn's chest, she felt her heartbeat. It reminded her of their first embrace they had shared in the hallway of the community center. This pulsing sensation was all she needed to feel safe, to feel home. She pressed her head harder against the other woman's body and felt Quinn tighten her embrace.

Quinn's earlier words still swirled around Rachel's mind. She had understood them, but had not been ready to digest their meaning then. As she felt the arms around her now, she also found the courage to think about them. Slowly, she examined what Quinn had told her.

Was what she displayed in the situations that Quinn had described really strength? Or was it just cowardice to face Sharon that she kept reasoning with her friends to let it go? And in the subway, what else could she have done? She appreciated what Quinn tried to do, but in her own eyes, she still felt weak and helpless. Nothing changed the fact that she was dependent on other people and probably would be for the rest of her life. Then again, every human was dependent on someone else in certain situations; this need did not come alone from not being able to hear.

Quinn chose that moment to gently touch her chin and lifted her head. Her hazel eyes searched Rachel's face and having become quite adapt at reading her girlfriend's expressions; she seemed to notice that something was still off. Carefully she stepped back, still holding on to the brown eyes with her own.

_Rachel, I don't want you to dismiss my words. Just accept them as I said them, ok? Maybe you feel differently about tonight, but_ I _see it that way._

Quinn watched her chew her lip before answering with a sigh.

"Fine." Then she reached for Quinn's hand and rubbed her thumb over the soft skin on the back. Looking up, she then asked:

"Can we go to bed? I think despite the unwillingness in my mind to go to sleep, my body needs some rest. I feel quite exhausted," and she shyly smiled up at her.

_Sure, come on, sweet._

Quinn led her girlfriend to their bedroom where they slowly undressed each other, showering each of their bare skin with tender kisses, though both knew and felt that for tonight this would not lead to anything further. Both women felt too drained by the events of that day.

After having finished their night ablutions, they finally lay in each other's arms. Although feeling that sleep was just around the corner, something else was still working in the back of Rachel's mind. She had to voice those thoughts before they both fell asleep.

"Quinn?" Rachel whispered, looking at her girlfriend.

Quinn placed a hand on the small woman's cheek in an answer. Having her eyes already closed, she needed to adjust her aim a little. Originally her hand had landed on Rachel's nose, half covering her mouth. But the brunette only used this to place a quick kiss on the palm of her girlfriend's hand. Noticing her misplacement, Quinn readjusted her hand without opening her eyes, waiting for Rachel to say what was on her mind.

"We never talked about your show tonight." Rachel admitted, still ashamed to have her own drama pushed to the front. "In the dressing room I wanted to give you some time to calm down after the performance, and in the subway, well…" her voice drifted off.

Quinn opened her eyes and propped herself up on one elbow, facing her girlfriend. Then she sat up to make better use of her hands.

_Rachel, my show is not important. Don't feel bad about it. The only important thing about it was you being there! It meant so much to me and it turned this evening into one of the best I will ever have! S_ he smiled gently. _And I can understand that it might not be easy to talk about this experience with everything else that had happened today._

"But I want to talk about it. It was the best thing today," Rachel admitted in a small voice with a shy grin.

_It was?_

"Mhm! It would be a lie to say that it did not cost me some effort to face it, but once getting past the lack of music and dialogues, I was so captivated by your performance! I … I bought the CD once it came out, shortly before my accident. So I roughly knew the musical score and what it was about. That helped. I just wish I could have heard your voice tonight."

Quinn placed a kiss on her forehead before she let her continue.

"But just judging from your acting, leaving the singing aside, you have a unique talent, Quinn Fabray. I was completely caught up in your character and your story; I never thought it would be possible to enjoy a musical without the music. But you managed to draw me in, to transmit so much just through looks, gestures and mimic, it was absolutely fascinating. So I bow to you, Miss Fabray." Rachel inclined her head slightly at her last words.

That left Quinn speechless for a moment. It was the highest praise she could ever receive. No one else and nothing else could top this. These words coming from Rachel certainly beat a Tony or any other award. She felt a little lump in her throat.

_Rachel, I will never be as good as you were, we both know that_ , she then said with an honest smile.

Rachel shook her head. "No, Quinn. When it comes to acting, you _are_ better, much better. You have already reached a level that I could only dream of. I was able to level it out with my voice, but getting down to the absolute subtleties, you mastered a great achievement. And you know what, I am glad that you are the better actress, because this way even I can still enjoy some of your talent. Watching you bring another character to live on stage was really fascinating and believe me, without the music and the singing, I am a good judge when it comes to facial expressions and body language," she teased with a smile. "So let it be said that you were incredible and I am very grateful to have had the chance to watch you perform tonight." She sealed her last words with a kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

_You want an autograph?_ Quinn teased back, laughing a bit, feeling a joy inside her, caused by Rachel's words that could not be described by words.

"Yes, please sign my breasts with kisses later," Rachel smirked.

Quinn had worried about what being in a theater did to the former diva, watching her do what Rachel had always wanted in life but was now cheated from by a sick twist of fate. And she knew that the compliment about her acting was meant in earnest. Rachel was right. If without any acoustic distraction, someone could be drawn into the story, and that someone having been a professional musical performer herself, that praise meant a lot.

"But Quinn, running off stage to toss your girlfriend a flower was absolutely crazy! I would have died had you done this to me while being your counterpart on stage!" Then she added with a sheepish grin: "I loved it nevertheless, and I loved the other little signs you weaved into your performance. Thank you. That made me very welcome."

Quinn laughed. _You_ were _very welcome Rachel. As I said before, it was the most precious gift for me._

They both shared a passionate kiss, while their hands tenderly crept along each other's body, raveling in the softness of the skin, the tingles their touches sent up their hands and the love that filled their hearts. Rachel finally felt a little like herself again after this arduous evening. Having talked about the positive aspect of the day, made it easier for her to fall asleep with a positive feeling rather than the dread and anxiety she had felt earlier on.

It was amazing how Quinn always managed to bring her home to sanity, security and love. They snuggled close to each other, face to face, with Rachel placing a hand on her girlfriend's chest.

Quinn had her eyes closed again, Rachel noticed in the soft light the little crystal salt lamp on the night stand gave off. They left the light on for the night for Rachel's benefit.

"Quinn?"

Through her hand, Rachel felt her answer coming off in a short vibration, guessing it was a "Hm?" as she did not move her lips with the sound.

"Um," looking for the right words to ask this, Rachel hesitated for an instant.

Quinn opened her eyes again, raising both eyebrows in question, waiting for Rachel to continue. When she finally did voice her question, it took Quinn completely by surprise.

"Can you sing for me?" With the final word, Rachel lifted her eyes and looked at Quinn. It seemed to be a genuine and earnest question. Noticing Quinn's astonishment, Rachel added as an explanation: "I just remembered one of the songs from the show from when I listened to the CD. You know the one where your character becomes aware of the truthfulness of Antoine's love. I really like it."

Quinn opened her mouth, then closed it again, and simply nodded with a smile. With a slight jerk of her head and a simple "Come here," she told Rachel to move closer, knowing full well what she desired.

Rachel gave her quick, grateful smile. At that moment, it did not matter so much that she could not actually hear Quinn. What mattered was that Quinn did not even ask her why she wanted her to sing or told her how absurd this was. Just knowing that this wonderful person, the Broadway star, the most beautiful woman, her lover was doing this for her unquestioningly, was reward enough. She snuggled closer to Quinn, resting her head on her chest, a hand slightly on the side of the taller woman's neck. Rachel let herself be soothed by the vibrations she felt in the other body, slowly drifting to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Glee.
> 
> This chapter is rated M.

**Chapter 28**

The following week, the beginning of December, hosted one of the rare days in which Quinn and Santana were actually both home at the same time. On Monday they stood in the kitchen early in the afternoon, sharing some coffee. The personal trainer had her day off and Quinn had already been at a rehearsal in the morning. No show was scheduled for this evening for Quinn. She had the rest of the day off, happy to catch up with her friend and waiting for Rachel to come over.

Looking at the clock on the oven, she wondered where her girlfriend was. She had promised to come by after lunch. It was already past two. She had not sent a message, neither did she respond to Quinn's texts. It was unlike Rachel and Quinn started to worry a bit. Then again, they should have agreed on an exact time. _'After lunch'_ could mean anything between twelve pm and twelve am. She would patiently wait another couple of minutes before snatching up her phone again. To distract herself, she focused back on her friend.

Santana had a date - "It's not a date!" was the Latina's repeated statement whenever Quinn mentioned it – later in the evening. That would leave her and Rachel the apartment to themselves and Quinn already had a nice plan on how to make the best use of it.

Shifting her weight onto the other foot, leaning against the counter with her hip, the blonde sighed.

"God, it feels so nice not having to rush off again within the next minutes. I am not sure how I am going to survive until my Christmas break," Quinn groaned. "I should start buying shares from the cab companies, as often as I drive back and forth across town currently. I would become rich just by being their best customer."

"Gee Q, get a grip on yourself. You are on your way up the career ladder, so stop whining. I know you like what you are doing," Santana offered no compassion.

Quinn chuckled at the rebuke. "Yeah you are right. Still, my schedule is crazy most days. Days like this are a rare gift, especially with Christmas so close." She took another sip of the dark brew. "Listen, I need your help. I am planning something and I could use some extra hands and an honest opinion on my ideas." Over the rim of her cup, she looked at the Latina to gauge her reaction.

"Sure, what are you planning? Something nasty and dirty?" Santana wiggled her eyebrows. "Anyway, I'm game!"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "God, Santana, get laid! It's been how long? Every time, our conversations end up with you throwing the words _nasty_ and _dirty_ through the room. You that desperate?"

"What makes you think I only have sex on my mind?" Santana played the offended. "I can very well contain myself. I pledged a vow of celibacy until New Year."

Quinn snorted. "Yeah, right. Like – _not_! Glad you got that date tonight. Play it right and you might get a nice treat. And then we can finally have a normal conversation without ever landing on the same old topic."

"Ugh, yeah, right. If that's the only thing you have to endure, go pity yourself. I heard you and Rachel snogging more than once and I am not just talking about all the kissing and stuff." She rolled her eyes. "Besides, it's not…"

"… a date," Quinn finished. "I got it. Who are you meeting with, anyway? You are making such a big secret out of it."

Santana placed the cup on the counter top and ran her index finger along the rim.

Quinn narrowed her eyes and studied her friend.

Curious.

She had never been shy to boast about her relationships or dates. What made her act like that now?

"Are you meeting Brittany?" She then asked.

Santana's head lifted abruptly. "No!" Then she let out a breath. "No. I don't think it would be good to see her at the moment. I am tired of this game of yoyo we have been playing. Being together, breaking up, being together again only to break up once more. I lost count after the third time." Santana fiddled at a non-existent stain on the wooden surface of the worktop. Then she continued.

"As much as I still like Brittany, I don't see a future for us. Not if we both don't change or look at things differently. Otherwise we will only end up in the exact same spot. I don't want that anymore. I want to move on." The Latin raised her dark eyes and looked at Quinn. "I want to experience some happiness again, without the heavy burden that all the history brings along. You know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded.

"I want something like what you and Rachel have. Something deep and true. Something that makes you want to fight for the other person with your life. I want someone who helps me grow, who understands me and accepts me. And I want to offer the same to my partner. I like how you two complement each other and how each of you accepts the unique facets of the other person. And I really do hope I can also bring to my other half – should I ever encounter her - the same fulfillment as you do for each other."

Quinn had to admit that she had underestimated a bit on how lonely Santana must feel. This was one of the rare moments where her friend actually shared some of her thoughts, without the tough pretense she built around it. Quinn felt a bit guilty for not having been a better friend over the past year. And she was immensely happy that Rachel had suggested for the Latina to move in. She was also a bit surprised that Santana had this particular view on her and Rachel's relationship.

In a quick impulse, she hugged her friend. Quinn actually enjoyed having her as a roommate and was in no rush for her to find an apartment.

"Santana, I am sure you will find someone who will be your soul mate." She stated with emphasis. Tilting her head to the side, she then asked: "Care to tell me who you are meeting with?"

Santana hesitated for a moment, before deciding to tell Quinn.

"I am meeting with Jenna."

Carefully, she watched Quinn's reaction. She was not doing anything forbidden, so Santana wondered why she felt a bit guilty. But since Jenna was one of Quinn's close friends, she did not know how she would react, knowing that they had been meeting without telling her.

"With Jenna?" Quinn repeated. "Why is this such a secret? It's not like we are exclusive friends or anything," she then laughed. "Though I wonder why she has not told me anything about it either," she then mused.

They had talked shortly on the phone the evening before. Jenna had wanted some professional guidance from Quinn regarding the characterization of her role. In the end, it had taken a little longer for the theater to decide on whom to cast, calling four of the applicants back for a third audition. In the end, she was actually cast for the role she had auditioned for.

Rachel, Santana and Quinn had invited Jenna for a nice dinner at their apartment to celebrate her success. It had been quite an enjoyable evening again and Jenna had been pleased to receive such a nice celebration.

Thinking back to the evening and then to the first dinner party they had held, something clicked in Quinn's brain.

"Oh. My. God. Wait a second." Then she had to laugh, which irritated the hell out of Santana.

"What's so fuckin' funny?"

"I just remembered the conversation we had when you asked _me_ about my date just when I got together with Rachel. Remember that phone call?" She watched Santana nod.

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, I think – correct me if I'm wrong – there was something going on between the two of you the first time you two met here. There were some vibes shooting back and forth. And regarding this conversation we had, you had been so surprised, because neither me nor Rachel had been interested in women before, leaving all the history between us aside. Now this seems to be a similar situation between you and Jenna, since she has not been with a woman before and you two kept it so secretive. Seems to me like a little history repeating." Quinn smiled broadly at her friend.

"Well, nothing has happened so far. We have had some really intense and interesting talks. I like her. Though I am not sure she likes me in the same way."

"Oh, from how I see it – and Rachel is with me on that page – Jenna seems to be attracted to you as well."

"Ya think?" Santana asked doubtfully.

"God, for someone who can usually read people like an open book, you are pretty blind when it comes to Jenna."

"Maybe I just don't want to get my hopes up. And I don't want to scare her away. Even if she is interested in me, she has never been in a relationship with a woman. This is all new to her."

"Santana, just take it as it is, slowly and one step at a time. That, in my experience, works best. And don't shut yourself off. Let her get to know you. The real you." With the last sentence, she pointed at Santana's heart. "Don't hide behind your outer veneer."

Sensing that her friend was reluctant to go further, she changed the topic slightly. "Anyway. What are you two doing tonight? Movies, dinner or both?"

"No movie. We are going to dinner and then maybe out for a drink later. We found this nice little bar with some cool music and just the right size. Not too big to be swamped with people but enough to give it a nice atmosphere, you know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded. "Sounds nice. Say hello to Jenna from me, ok? And tell her that she does not have to keep it a secret anymore next time we talk," Quinn smiled.

Then she took up the initial topic she wanted to discuss. "So, regarding the thing I need your help with, I have been thinking…" and she filled Santana in on a little event she was planning shortly before Christmas. The Latina took up her idea enthusiastically. She helped shaping it by throwing her own thoughts in and soon they had come up with a nice plan.

"I am sure Kurt is also game, as well as Jenna," and Quinn batted her eyelashes at Santana when she pronounced her friend's name. The Latina rolled her eyes.

"What about Blaine? What's it with him and Rachel anyway? He seems so different from the Blaine I knew from school."

Quinn shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe he is insecure about how to approach her. Though I agree, he seems so different. Wonder what his problem is. Hopefully Kurt can talk some sense into him."

"Yeah, otherwise I will do it." Santana simply stated which earned her a stern look from Quinn.

"Give Kurt a chance first." Then after a moment Quinn added: "Oh, I really hope my plan is working out," and she grinned at the thought of the many nice things she had planned for one particular day soon to come up.

.….

Rachel and Quinn had decided it was easier to each have a key of the other woman's apartment, not needing to ring the bell all the time. Very unceremoniously they had exchanged them some days ago. However Rachel had asked Quinn to still announce her presence by turning the lights on and off should she not immediately notice her enter her apartment. She did not want to be scared by suddenly seeing someone in front of her without having been able to hear her come in.

Rachel entered Quinn's apartment and found Santana and her girlfriend standing in the kitchen, chatting animatedly. They did not notice her come in until she closed the door. Both heads swirled around to look at her.

"Sorry, did I interrupt you two in something? I hope you weren't making out," Rachel remarked with a slight smile when she saw the guilty looks on both their faces.

"Nope, tried that at Mr. Shue's wedding, I am not Quinn's type," Santana answered wryly while Quinn quickly raised her hands to interpret.

"Right. My type is slender, has long brown hair, brown eyes with lashes like little centipede feet and lips to die for." Quinn answered signing in parallel now that Rachel had joined them. Then she threw a look over her shoulder towards her friend: "Sorry Santana, you might answer to some of those attributes, too, but naaaah," she shook her head, "not my type." She admitted, laughing.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "So glad!"

Rachel studied the green eyes that looked at her with a slightly guilty air around them, but the Cheshire cat grin did not waver. What was going on? She felt like she had intruded. It was not like she could have overheard the conversation. So there was not really a reason for Quinn and Santana to be so secretive about it.

She debated whether to ask Quinn what they were talking about, but then decided to let the other woman take up the topic if she wanted to comment on it.

The blonde observed Rachel slowly walking towards the kitchen, rounding the counter and making her way towards her. Something seemed to trouble her. There was sadness and disappointment in her eyes that Rachel did not manage to hide from her. Quinn kept her eyes trained on her girlfriend.

"Hi," Rachel smiled as she reached by her and placed a small kiss on Quinn's lips. Looking round her girlfriend's shoulder, she also greeted the other woman with a "Hello Santana," who nodded in response.

_Hello, darling,_ Quinn signed when she had Rachel's attention again.

Rachel could not stand it anymore. Curiosity pushed the question out. "Ok, what's up? What did I interrupt? What are you hiding?"

Quinn raised her right eyebrow then moved her hands through the air.

"Curiosity killed the cat," she teased, then her gaze softened. "You'll know. But not now. Be a little patient." And she bent forward, placing another kiss on her partner's soft lips to reconcile.

It did not completely erase the doubtful look from Rachel's face. She looked up from under her lashes. "Oh I want to know now, please!"

"Whatever, we are not saying anything", Quinn answered signing and talking and threw a knowing look at the Latina who just smirked.

Rachel narrowed her eyes, staring at the two women. Seeing the determination in their eyes, she knew they would not spill anything. If there was something that Rachel absolutely hated, it was knowing that someone had a secret they kept from her. She had needled her dads as a small girl weeks before Hanukkah and her birthday to tell her what she would get. In the end, they had always bought one additional small present to give to her before the festivities so she would just stop torturing them. Considering the same tactic, she instinctively knew that she would hit granite with the two other women. As hard as it was, she probably had no other choice than to wait.

Then again, it might be worth a try and she was just so curious.

Before she could open her mouth, Quinn jumped in. "Oh, Santana has something to say."

Santana threw her a confused look. "I…what? No, I…"

Quinn cleared her throat, widening her eyes slightly while staring at the Latina, unnoticed by Rachel whose eyes still rested on her girlfriend's hands.

Santana understood that it was probably better to spill her news than have Rachel needle them about their other conversation. Grumpily, she tore her gaze away from her old high school friend and focused on the smaller woman who had stepped up a little closer. She even turned a little so that Rachel had her in full view.

"I am meeting Jenna tonight." She explained, watching Rachel's eyes dart between her lips quickly to Quinn's hands and back.

"Jenna." Rachel simply repeated, nodding. "Is that what you are being so mysterious about? Why?"

Santana was astonished. "Is that all you have to say?"

Rachel shrugged after having read most of the sentence from Santana's lips. "Yes, I mean, I watched you during the first dinner we had here. And I had a little conversation with Jenna about you while we were preparing the dessert. That also told me a lot." Rachel smiled. "So is this a date or just a meeting between friends?"

The Latina shrugged. "Well, so far just friends…" and she let her voice trail off.

Quinn noticed the petite woman's questioning look, not having quite understood and quickly repeated the sentence in ASL. Rachel had gotten better at reading lips, but she had to have a full view of the person who was talking and he or she would have to articulate him or herself clearly and not talk too quickly. The shorter the sentences the easier it was for her to understand. However, Santana had unconsciously turned her head slightly to hide her disappointment at her own statement and thus it became impossible for the other woman to grasp what she was saying.

After having received the relay from Quinn, Rachel squeezed Santana's upper arm in an encouraging gesture. "Give her some time." After a short moment, she then turned and got herself a glass of water.

"You want some coffee?" Quinn asked her then.

Rachel shook her head. "No .Thanks. I… um. Not now." She leaned with her back against the sink and took some small sips, getting lost in thoughts.

Quinn wondered again what was going on in her girlfriend's head.

_You ok?_ She signed after tapping Rachel slightly on the arm.

"Huh? Yeah. Just a little tired."

_Where have you been? I thought you'd come by a little earlier._

"Sorry about that, it just took a little longer than I thought."

_What did?_ Quinn looked confused.

Santana moved around the counter and walked to her room. She wanted to give both women some privacy as something was clearly up. It seemed that everyone was carrying a little secret around today.

Rachel let out a long breath and placed the glass on the counter, before turning back towards Quinn.

"I had an appointment today. I did not tell anyone, I … somehow felt I had to do this on my own."

_An appointment? Where?_ Now with Santana gone, Quinn only mouthed the words without sound while she signed them.

Finally, Rachel raised her eyes and found Quinn intently gazing at her with a worried look.

"I went to see Dr. Brenneman. My specialist. I did not want to get anybody's hope up, so I haven't told you before, nor my dads."

Santana had heard the word _specialist_ and stepped a bit closer again. Rachel saw her approaching out of the corner of her eye and threw her a short look.

She knew Santana was genuinely interested in her condition, so she was ok with her joining them again.

"What did he say?" Quinn asked her voice and hands shaking a bit with nervousness. Besides desperately wanting to know what the outcome was, she also felt a bit left out that Rachel had gone to such an important visit without filling her in first or asking her to come along. Had she not trusted her that whatever the results, she would stand by her? No. That could not be it.

Rachel shrugged her right shoulder. When she continued, she looked at Santana first to include her in the conversation, then back at Quinn. With a voice strangely devoid of emotions she explained:

"To make a long story short; just as I had expected, there is no improvement. Some tests have confirmed that. I could have another operation, but the success rate could not be determined. And if it succeeded, no one could say how much and in which quality my hearing would come back. They could run more tests but …" She fell silent.

Rachel pressed her lips together and her brown eyes searched Quinn's for any reaction. She was not interested in words and was relieved that her girlfriend's hands and lips did not move. Keeping her eyes on Quinn, she read her every thought.

There was hurt, which was understandable. Rachel had debated whether to tell Quinn or not. But this was something she felt she had to face alone. This was nothing anyone could take off her shoulders. This burden was hers to carry.

Her friends - at least most of them - made it a lot easier with their understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless, it was her and her alone who would have to live without being able to hear. Even if it also influenced how others would have to communicate with her, it still had the greatest impact on her.

She had needed some time alone to come to terms with what she had secretly feared. This is why she had not wanted anyone with her.

The hardest part was letting the little quench of hope she had harbored in a small corner in her heart go. Letting go of it meant knowing it was more or less a final goodbye. It left a hole in Rachel's heart that would not be filled for a long time and would take an even longer time to heal, if ever. Letting go of it also meant letting go of the last thin line that had connected her to the world of "normalcy" and whatever it entailed, starting with music and ending with hearing her girlfriend breathe deeply in her sleep. All these things seemed definitely lost now.

She rubbed the heel of her palm over her breast bone as if to rub the hollowness that had settled in her chest away. She didn't even feel like crying. She was just tired and felt empty inside. At least, she could get some closure now. However that might look like.

Focusing back on the hazel eyes in front of her, she also noticed concern, hope and love in them. Those feelings chased across the green surface of Quinn's eyes in rapid succession. She wondered what Quinn saw while looking into her own eyes. She reached out and took Quinn's hand, lacing her fingers through hers. This seemed to break the tension a bit.

Quinn furrowed her eyebrows and Rachel noticed her trying to fight back some tears. She lifted her other hand and placed it on the other woman's cheek, gently stroking her thumb across her cheekbone.

"Shhh, it's ok." She heard her own words in her mind, wondering how this could ever be ok. How she could ever be ok, knowing that there was no going back to her old life and her dreams.

Maybe knowing that she was not alone; that she had friends and a partner that loved her despite everything that had happened, made it somehow easier to face. Looking at the beautiful face in front of her, she finally felt a stirring in her own body. But it was not as strong as she had expected. Maybe she had mourned her loss enough already all these past months, maybe she had known all along, maybe she had learned that there was still a life ahead of her despite being deaf. Maybe she had learned that there were still people around her that loved her, wanted her friendship and cared about her.

Or maybe she just tried to hide all emotions again in order to not feel anything. She had done this a lot in the beginning. But she also remembered that whatever she had stuffed down always had found its way back up in the most inappropriate moments.

She looked to her left and found Santana still standing at the same spot, a traitorous shimmer in her eyes. Santana was definitely becoming a softie at her old age, Rachel decided. With an honest smile, she let go of Quinn's hand and held up her arm in the Latina's direction.

Santana did hesitate shortly then followed the silent request. While she walked over, Rachel quickly kissed Quinn and then all three of them hugged and held each other for a moment, standing in a small circle. Rachel finally felt some tears falling down her cheeks, but instead of starting to cry, she let out a small laugh.

"I keep wondering how I ended up in the arms of the two biggest HBICs from school."

This also drew a laugh from the other two women and slowly they loosened their arms. Quinn though held onto her petite lover with one arm looped around her shoulder and Rachel leaned her head against Quinn.

Santana scribbled something on a paper and held it in front of Rachel.

_I am really sorry that there is no better news. Is there anything I can do?_

"Thanks Santana, but no. I guess I just need time to digest it and then at some point start making plans about my future." Rachel stated very rationally and let out a deep breath. For now, she refused to focus on that.

She tried to push the news she had received somewhere inside where they would not hurt so much. Rachel did not want to feel the devastation and desperation again. She did not think she had the strength to go through the whole process again.

But she also knew that denying it would not make it better. She had to face this sooner rather than later. Santana seemed to have read her thoughts as she pushed the paper into her hands again.

_Talk about it, ok? Don't try to be brave and pretend this is somehow ok or that you expected it. You don't have to swallow everything. We are here for you. This is nothing that can be processed overnight. Give yourself the time and the right to come to terms with it again._

Rachel closed her eyes after reading that. "I know. But right now I can't."

Quinn felt a little lost. She would have liked to know the real reason why Rachel did not want to be accompanied to her appointment. She also sensed that Rachel tried to bottle up her feelings in regards to the test results.

Something else came to her mind, and she wondered if this changed something for them. It did not from Quinn's point of view, but maybe it did for Rachel. For now, she decided to hold her questions and let Rachel take the pace.

.….

Later in the evening, after Rachel and Quinn had finished a self-made dinner with salad, grilled basil tofu and some fresh bread, Quinn had to ask. They had skirted around the topic for the rest of the afternoon and right now the blonde's nerves were tingling, because she felt the untouched issue was building up between them like thick smoke.

_Please don't close yourself off. Don't shut me out, Rachel. How do you feel now? Is there anything I can do?_

Rachel shook her head. She still owed her girlfriend an explanation as to why she had excluded her in her afternoon appointment.

"Quinn, the reason I did not tell you anything about this has nothing to do with you. It does not mean that I did not see you as a support or that I did not trust you to be there for me. I suppose I had expected the results for quite some time. And I needed to do this alone, for me. On one hand I did not want to get your hopes up, on the other I needed to know for myself that I could manage. Knowing I would have to learn to live with this condition probably for the rest of my life, not always having someone around me who could help, I had to start doing this on my own. I don't know if you can understand that. And it does not mean that I want to pull away or that I don't appreciate all your help and support. This has nothing to do with it."

_You needed to see if you could stand on your own two legs,_ Quinn summarized.

Rachel nodded. "Yes."

_How do you feel?_ Quinn repeated her earlier question.

The brunette pondered over the question for a while. "Honestly, I can't say. I keep shifting between realization, grief, numbness and hope. It would be a lie to say I have processed the news or the whole situation completely. It will still take me a while longer to digest this." She ran her index finger over the tiny tips of her fork, then took it and tapped it against her plate.

Realizing what she was doing, when Quinn flinched at the sharp sound, she stopped. "Sorry."

_Won't an implant be a possibility for you?_ Quinn asked hopefully.

Rachel shook her head and sighed. "No. Even though my inner ear had not been damaged, somehow the part of my brain that registers sound does not really recognize it. Maybe that has something to do with the fractures I suffered from. I don't know. I just … want to get over all this. "

Quinn reached over and placed a hand over Rachel's and held it for a moment. Then she pulled back.

_No one expects you to come to terms with these news overnight, Rachel. I have heard that it takes between two and four years until you get used to living with such a loss. For you, it has not even been a year. It will still need some time and grant yourself this time. I will still be here. Same as your friends._

"Well, I guess I actually have nothing more to lose, do I? I'm not better, but not worse than before my appointment."

_What do you mean?_

"I mean that even though I have to deal with accepting what I had feared all along as a fact, I can still rely on the means of communication and relationship we have built. In this regard, nothing has changed. I don't have to start from scratch. Do you know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded. _Yes. To say it bluntly, nothing has changed._

Rachel nodded slightly. "Yes. Nothing has changed." She sighed. Then she looked up and caught Quinn's eyes with her own, studying her girlfriend for a moment. " _Will_ it change something for you?" She then quietly asked.

The blond woman stood up and walked around the table, and took a seat next to Rachel. She took one of her hands into her own and gently kissed it.

_It would be a lie to say that these news don't make me sad,_ she signed.  
 _It makes me sad because I would have wished for you to get your hearing back or at least get it back to some degree. I would have wished that you had at least a remote possibility to enjoy all the things you missed. That you were able to hear me tell you that I love you and that for me, nothing changes in regards to what I feel for you, Rachel. I mean, I have known you from before your accident; I have heard you sing and seen you perform. But when it comes to our relationship as lovers, I do not know anything else. For the two of us, it has been like that from the beginning. So it does not change anything in this regard._

Rachel had not really doubted Quinn. Still, it felt good to know and feel that for sure that she loved her and would stay at her side.

Quinn bent forward and captured the other woman's lips with her own, a tantalizing promise for more to come. It seemed her girlfriend wanted to cash in this promise earlier than anticipated, because she eagerly leaned into the kiss, searching for the blonde's tongue with her own.

Quinn cupped Rachel's face and their kiss became more intense, the desire growing between them. Touching and kissing each other somehow seemed to fuel both women again.

She bent lower and playfully nipped at the soft earlobe, causing her girlfriend to moan softly again. Quinn pressed her body closer to the smaller frame, her right thigh applying a slight pressure against Rachel's legs. Eagerly, the small woman widened her stance and half straddled the thigh that now pressed harder against her core.

Rachel felt the pulse throbbing at her most sensitive spot and it became more and more unbearable that there were so many clothes between her and Quinn. Slowly, she started to push Quinn backwards to their bedroom, finding her mouth again with her own lips. Lost in their passion, they bumped into the wall next to the bedroom door. Rachel used this to her advantage and imprisoned her lover between herself and the wall. She placed her arms next to Quinn's shoulders and looked her deeply in the eyes. Then she ordered in a husky voice: "Unbutton your blouse. Slowly."

Quinn only raised an eyebrow and followed her command. She still felt a little ill at ease about Rachel's behavior, about her reacting so rationally about the results of the examination and doing everything to distract herself from dealing with it. But if that was what she currently needed and wanted, Quinn would go along with it.

Starting from the top, she revealed more and more of her cleavage with every button that came undone. The brunette did not wait until she reached the last button before claiming the soft skin between her lover's breasts with her lips. While Quinn struggled to unfasten the last clasps, Rachel snaked her arms around Quinn's body under her blouse and unhooked the strapless bra that fell to the blonde's waist and then to the floor. She could hardly contain herself, seeing the two beautiful breasts eagerly arching towards her and she cupped them with both hands. Her tongue swirled around the hardened nipple and she felt Quinn moan under her touch. Quickly, Rachel's eyes flicked up to check if Quinn's lips were moving, but her girlfriend just bit her lip, trying to keep her composure under Rachel's touch.

Again, Rachel reached around Quinn with her right hand to open the bedroom door and both women repositioned themselves on the bed. Quinn had not expected the evening to end like this. She wondered if this was for both of them a release of the tension that had built up inside of them. Whatever the reason, she had no time to dwell on it further as she felt the brunette's hand slip inside her jeans. As she brushed against her clit, Quinn involuntarily jerked and held on to the hand that snaked beneath her underwear.

"Wait." She breathed and Rachel stopped her movements with a concerned look. Quickly, the blonde shimmied out of her pants and the rest of her garments. Rachel understood what she was doing and she wasted no time to follow suit. Their clothes landed in a tangled heap on the floor. Rachel's full lips covered Quinn's breasts again with kisses and teasing little bites that drove the blonde nuts. She arched her back and thrust her body against her girlfriend's mouth and hands, offering herself completely. The petite woman accepted the offered body and eagerly continued her exploration and caress with her tongue. She cupped Quinn's buttocks with her hands and massaged them while her lips were occupied with trailing down the blonde's flat stomach down to the juncture of her legs. There, she shortly stopped after flicking her tongue over Quinn's most sensual spot.

"Oh god, Rachel, I want to feel you inside me, please," she moaned, unable to use her hands to sign anything coherently. Rachel, sensing that her lover had requested something, but being unaware of the words, frowned slightly as she looked up.

"Do you want me to stop?" She cautiously asked and ceased her movements.

Quinn shook her head. Then quickly cupped her girlfriends face with her right hand, using the other to gently guide Rachel's hand from under her to the wet fold between her legs. There she gently pressed the smaller woman's fingers against her soft flesh.

"Mmmm, I see. No more teasing," Rachel then smiled relieved, eager to take their lovemaking further.

Slowly she dipped her index finger inside the folds, causing Quinn to ball her hands into fists to control the waves of pleasure that crashed through her. The brunette slowly took up a rhythm of moving her digit in and out, until she had her lover writhing under her touch, squirming and begging. She observed Quinn's lips move, forming her name over and over again, her chest heaving in rapid succession, fueled by the ecstasy that robbed her of air to breathe. Rachel thrust another finger inside and watched Quinn being driven nuts. Not ceasing the movements with her fingers, she bent her head and sucked a little at the throbbing little nub above her hand and when she felt the flesh around her fingers pulsing, contracting and relaxing in a very rapid succession, she knew Quinn was not far from climaxing.

With one last movement, she thrust her fingers deeper into the wet and warm grotto and bent her head to let her tongue swirl around the sensitive clit. With that, she felt the flesh around her fingers contract, Quinn arching her back against her and sensed the tremors and spasms racing through the other body. Rachel held her position for a short while longer before she slowly extracted her fingers, smugly smiling up at a completely wasted Quinn. She lay panting on her back, her hands still clenching and unclenching the rumpled sheets beneath her.

The petite woman crept up next to her still panting girlfriend and nuzzled her cheeks with her nose, softly breathing into her ear: "You are the most beautiful woman. There is nothing better on God's earth than to make love to you, darling."

Then she kissed her softly on the lips. Satisfying her lover always aroused Rachel immensely as well. She was sure that if Quinn only came near her legs, she would go off like a rocket. Just thinking about Quinn's touch sent her senses reeling. She moaned softly and inadvertently caught Quinn's attention, bringing her back to the present from her ecstatic place of bliss.

Quinn looked into the deep brown eyes and her breath caught in her throat. There was so much desire in them that it was hard to keep her own breath steady. But there was something else as well. Quinn frowned and then carefully raised herself, turning her girlfriend on to her back in the process. Gently, she started stroking the soft swells of her breasts with her right forefinger, swirling it around the nipples, keeping her eyes on Rachel's.

"Quinn, I want to feel you. Please. Now." She heard her lover breathe.

Slowly, she let her fingers wander further down Rachel's tanned skin. When she touched the sensitive center, it made the small woman whimper again. Playing a short moment with her thumb and forefinger with it, she felt Rachel tense and then an orgasm rippled through her, being surprised as to how quickly this little touch had sent her off. Quinn watched the muscles in her girlfriend's body contract and Rachel let out a sound that was half gasp, half sob. With every spasm that raced through the small body, the sobs became stronger until finally Rachel rolled onto her side, pulled her legs up to her stomach and hid her face behind her hands, not able to stop the sobs finding their way out from deep within her soul.

Apparently, the intense sensation of the orgasm had unlocked whatever had been held back ever since Rachel had come back from her appointment.

Quinn slid down behind her, pressing her own body against her lover's, pulling the blanket over them. Laying behind Rachel on her right side, she slowly angled her left arm so her hand rested on Rachel's chest for comfort, while her other arm slid under her head and gently wrapped around her.

She held Rachel while she cried, mourning the final loss of her hope, of her dreams, of her old life. Her own cheeks were wet with tears, as she saw her lover in so much pain, not being able to control the tears, crying so hard, her whole body curled into a tight ball.

At one point Rachel grabbed one of Quinn's hands, pressing it against her chest even harder, as if its mere touch could still the pain that was raging inside her. She felt herself give off sounds that she could not control. It seemed her body had been taken over by emotions that did not let her stop crying. Again and again the waves of desperation, longing and realization crashed into her, like a thunderstorm unleashing all its fierce power. All she could do was let it all out, helplessly lying in Quinn's arms, drawing only a small comfort through the arms that surrounded her.

After the endless thrashing, her emotions finally seemed to ebb away, Rachel was completely wasted. She was not able to move or speak. All she could do was keep her hold on Quinn's hand, hoping it was not too uncomfortable for her.

Quinn felt a heavy tiredness come over her once she had sensed Rachel calm down. She felt so helpless, again wishing there was something she could do to ease the burden on her. Quinn hoped that Rachel would not forget that slowly but surely she had already started building a new life, however tiny the foundation was at that moment. But it was there and it would grow, slowly, but surely.

Rachel felt her girlfriend tighten the embrace, placing a kiss on her shoulder, wordlessly letting her know that she would not let go. It had been a long time since she had sought solace in sleep to forget. Tonight though, she was glad to slip into the blissful ignorance that awaited her. A small part of her hoped that she would not have to wake up to reality.

However, a much bigger part wished exactly that. It was the part that recognized and felt the other warm body behind her, the comfort it gave her and the love it transmitted.

That was a prospect that was very much worthy to wake up to again.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usual Glee disclaimer....

**Chapter 29**

When Rachel woke up the next morning, she felt drained and still very tired. Her eyes burned a little from all the crying the night before. She felt as if she was thrown back some months when waking up like that seemed like a sad normality, wondering every single morning _why_ she had to drift back into the land of consciousness.

But something was different this time.

She did not wake up alone.

She became even more conscious of the warm body behind her with that realization. She closed her eyes again and snuggled a little closer. As there came no reaction, Rachel turned around and found her girlfriend still sleeping. Carefully she lifted Quinn's arm she had used as a pillow the whole night. Hopefully it was not completely numb by now, Rachel thought a bit ruefully. She had needed the touch and the feeling of Quinn near her during the night to get through her emotional turmoil.

Slowly she moved her arm into a little more comfortable position for her girlfriend without waking her up.

Pulling a real pillow under her head she slowly lay down again, this time facing Quinn who slept on her right side. Rachel watched her breath evenly, marveling at how someone in his sleep, with tousled hair could still look to beautiful that Rachel almost through it to be unreal.

She loved tracing Quinn's even features with her finger, as if it helped to memorize that face even better for times they were apart. Then it was easier to evoke the image of her girlfriend in front of her inner eye, remembering the feeling of her fingers wandering over the radiant skin. Touching her had become more than just a gesture of love and desire. It gave Rachel another dimension to compensate for not being able to hear her voice.

Try as she might, she could not keep her fingers from touching Quinn. She would memorize the details she saw and everything she felt while letting her fingers explore. Carefully, she stroke some of the unruly blond locks out of her face and let her fingers dance lightly over her cheeks. Just watching and touching this wonderful woman in front of her helped to pull her out of the dark mood that had gripped her before. The view in front of her and the knowledge that this was a very important part of her life now, a part that made her absolutely happy, that made her feel so alive again helped her manifest herself in the present even more.

There was a narrow sunbeam sneaking through the curtains and Rachel watched it slowly and lazily make its way across the blanket. Placing her hand into the light she felt the warmth it radiated. It crawled further across the fabric, making the little dust particles visible as they danced through the air. When the light reached Quinn's peaceful face, it illuminated her skin.

Rachel felt warmth spread through every part of her body. In moments like this, sometimes she could not thank fate or cupid or whatever it was that had brought them together enough. And while she lay there next to her sleeping beauty, lovingly gazing at her, exploring her face with her still dancing fingers, she felt the certainty that everything would be ok. Just like the way she had said it to Quinn the day before. She had not felt it then, but now she did. S _he_ would be ok.

Rachel pondered over this recognition. She wondered where it came from all of a sudden. Then she realized that it was _not_ something that came _all of a sudden_. It was something that had slowly been growing in her. With the help of her friends Kurt and Santana, her lover and to a certain extent her teacher Carmen, this conviction that had started as a small seed now seemed to unfolded itself inside her. Even though she had no concrete idea of what to do with her life, she was convinced she would find _something_ that would make her happy again. With the right people and faith she would manage. Just as Santana had told her. As long as she herself was convinced that she could do something, as long as she would never give up – and yes, she could be very determined if she chose to be – she would reach her goal.

Quinn's eyelids fluttered and then she slowly snuck a hand up to her face to catch the small caressing digits that wandered lightly over her skin. Placing them in front of her lips, she kissed every one of Rachel's fingertips. This caused a small chuckle to bubble up in the petite woman's throat. It danced over her lips and caused Quinn to smile when it reached her ears. Slowly she opened her eyes to find Rachel laying very close, her brown eyes gazing intently at her.

"Good morning," Quinn whispered, not wanting to let go of the other hand.

Rachel could not withstand the alluring full lips so close to hers as she read the words being formed by them. "Good morning," she whispered back. Just slightly adjusting the position of her head, she naturally touched Quinn's mouth with hers and both women shared a tender morning kiss.

When they broke off, Rachel moved even closer and wrapped herself around Quinn, hugging her in a very tight and very long embrace.

"God, I love you so much Quinn, I can't find the words to describe it," she half whispered into Quinn's ear. She hoped she had adjusted the volume of her voice correctly, not wanting to make Quinn jump by speaking so close to her ear. "Thank you for holding me through the night, for not letting go." Rachel felt like she could not get near enough, could not touch enough of the other woman's body with her own. She tried to get as much physical contact as possible.

The blonde tightened her embrace. She understood Rachel's need for nearness very well and responded with her own arms tightening around the petit body in front of her. It relieved her immensely that Rachel had managed to pull herself out of that dark place, that she did not turn away from her after all that had happened the day before, but that she smiled and sought her nearness.

After a long moment of holding each other, Quinn slowly untangled her hands and moved back a little.

Rachel hated losing the close contact at that moment just so Quinn could sign. She held her close and shook her head, pointedly looking at her lips.

Quinn understood, laced her arms around the smaller body again and spoke the words she had wanted to sign.

"I love you, too, Rachel." She made a little pause so the sentences would not run into each other and become difficult to read. "With all my heart and soul," she then added. When she saw Rachel smile to show her comprehension, she captured the full lips between hers and shared another passionate kiss with her girlfriend.

For a long while they just lay in each other's arms, kissing, exchanging small, tender caresses, losing themselves in the moment without any further thoughts about the upcoming day.

A small rumble in Rachel's stomach caused Quinn to laugh.

"Why does my stomach always have to spoil the moment?" Rachel sighed. This time, she let Quinn pull back to sign.

_Besides being obviously hungry, which I see as a good sign, how do you feel?_ Quinn asked and carefully watched Rachel's features.

Rachel thought for a moment how to express her experience of this morning in words.

"When I woke up, it felt just like in the beginning, you know, like after the accident. I thought I had fallen right back into that emotional hole. At that time it felt like a million waves were crashing over me, pushing me under water into a black abyss, fully emerging into a depression. Then I realized that this time I was able to stand, to feel the ground under my feet and that I was able to walk away. I managed to fight against the current that wanted to pull me under. I was really _strong_ enough to fight it. And I felt you behind me and I let this sensation pull me back into reality, away from the past."

Quinn smiled with a mix of relief, pride and love and gently stroked Rachel's cheek before the brunette continued with her explanation.

Rachel licked her lips and brushed a strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. "You know, you and Santana and Kurt have really helped me a lot to find my way back into this world, to find myself in all this mess. Your support has helped most of all."

She collected her thoughts again before continuing.

"I somehow feel that I really have a chance at being happy again, at finding a purpose in my life, besides loving you crazily and dearly," she added with a smile.

Quinn reached out again and raked her fingers slowly through Rachel's mane, mussing the strands her girlfriend had carefully tamed just a minute ago by placing them behind her ear.

Quinn felt the truth behind Rachel's words reverberate in her own heart. She was not just saying them, she truy seemed to feel them as well. There was so much conviction behind her words, and her eyes had the little glint that she had missed so much the other day back in them.

Rachel truly seemed to process all that was happening to her, and this brought her forward a step each day. Sometimes it was just a very small step, but she was moving forward nevertheless.

It was a huge task to actively face her loss and to learn to live with it, and it had taken Rachel quite a long time to actually allow herself to start that process. After such a life changing event it was only natural that a certain phase of denial, self-pity and self-doubts existed. And it took great strength to overcome them, but it was important in order to start healing – on an emotional level. This did not happen overnight. There would always be set-backs, but they would become less over time. The important thing was to move on, to learn and to gain experience.

And Rachel still had one great advantage that many others did not necessarily have. Carefully Quinn searched for the right words to bring her thoughts across with her hands.

_You know Rachel, for what it's worth; you have already fulfilled your greatest dream. You have followed in your biggest idol's footsteps by playing Fanny Brice on stage in_ Funny Girl _. And the reception of the musical and your performance was incredibly positive. That was the role of your life, Rachel, and you actually got to play it!_

Quinn paused for a moment to let those words sink in, before she continued.

_Maybe life decided that after having given you this incredible possibility and gift, it was now time for something new._

Her gaze softened as she continued.

_I can only partly grasp what this might mean for you, but at least you can look back and know you have done everything right, you did not miss out on anything. How many people can say that for themselves? How many are struggling in the wrong directions, doing jobs that are unfulfilling, that make them unhappy and sick in their souls? How many harbor so many dreams and never live them? Either it's because they don't have the courage or they don't have the means, whatever the reason might be.  
One thing you can be proud of for the rest of your life, something that even deafness cannot take away from you anymore is the knowledge that you have done everything to make your dream come true. _

Quinn paused for a moment, before she offered the most important point.

_Your dream is not lost. It can never be lost. Because you have already turned it into reality, Rachel! You have already lived your dream!_

The truth of Quinn's last statement swept through the petite woman's body and slowly settled in her heart. She felt its meaning spread through her chest. As some tears spilled over her cheeks, she whispered:

"I have never seen it like that."

Quinn was right. She had reached everything she had dreamed of. Well, almost everything. She definitely would not win a Tony award now.

But her biggest wish had always been to play Fanny Brice and this she had fulfilled at a very young age. Sometimes she had asked herself how she could ever have been so lucky to land that role at the first try. Now she seemed to understand the reason why life had given her that chance so early in her career.

This realization somehow helped her to ease the anxiety of never being able to fulfill her dream that had existed all these past months inside her. Seeing what she actually already had accomplished dissolved a little of the tension in her soul. Yes, she would still miss performing, but she had already reached a high rung on her career ladder.

And Quinn had another point. It would not do for her to find an occupation that would just be seen as fitting for her by others, thus only fulfilling a job that did not fuel her; that did not make her feel alive. She would figure out what she wanted to do and felt comfortable doing. Singing would still stay as her greatest longing which she could not answer anymore, but she would be damned if there was not something else. Santana's words came back to her just as Quinn lifted her hands to sign again.

_You know, I am sure we will find out what you would like to do. And then we will set everything to make it happen. Don't hold back. Go crazy with your ideas. Don't censor them; don't let them be judged by anything else but your gut feeling and your heart._

Quinn looked intently at Rachel.

_If something feels right, if something makes you tingle all over, makes your heart beat faster, makes you cry, then you know that's the one! And don't let anyone,_ Quinn finger spelled the next word for emphasis _a-n-y-o-n-e, deter you from it. Maybe you can take up acting. Maybe you can coach people on how to stand up for themselves and fulfill their life dreams. Whatever it is, you have to convince yourself first. Then everything else will come along._

She smiled as an example of a very stubborn and very convinced Rachel came to her mind.

_Remember how you thought everything was over when you choked at your audition for NYADA? At first you wanted to relinquish your dream, but then you started fighting. You kept going after Carmen Tibideaux until she followed your invitation to watch you perform at nationals. And that had been your ticket to the academy. Dig out that stubborn will again, once you know where you want to go. And never ever let anyone discourage you from reaching your goal. Even if they tell you ten times no. The eleventh time it might be a yes!_

Rachel swallowed and the smiled a little. She was absolutely grateful to have such wonderful people in her life now. They truly cared about her and her happiness. They wanted her to find her new calling again and did not want to push her onto a pre-defined path. This was what true love and friendship meant.

People accepted her and did not try to shape her according to their wishes and what they thought would be best for her. To accept the dreams and wishes of another person, trying to support this person without trying to dissuade her showed true greatness. Sometimes it was just so much more logical to try to control everything and everyone around oneself, even though it might be wrong. But people were often afraid of letting loose, they were afraid of what might happen. They were afraid that they might realize what they were doing was wrong, but doing what was right meant they had to change. And change was almost never easy for many people. So they would rather stay in their well-known "comfort" zone feeling miserable instead of getting up and fight for their true happiness.

Being told twice now by Santana and Quinn to try to stay true to herself and find out what fueled her, paired with the offered support was a very generous and rare gesture.

"When did you and Santana learnt to be so smart?" Rachel asked sheepishly after having worked though all these thoughts and emotions.

Quinn chuckled. _Oh, did you have a heart to heart with Santana?_

Rachel nodded.

Quinn cocked her head. _Want to tell me about it?_

Rachel let out a long breath, before she remembered the evening in question.

"When you left for you performance the other night, Santana took the chance for a little girl talk, before she dragged me across town to your show," Rachel recounted and then chuckled. "You know how she is. She comes right down to the grain, lays it all out there and then has you deal with it. Whether you like it or not."

_Oh yeah, I know. Believe me, I know!_ Quinn smiled knowingly. _So, what did she say?_

Rachel bit her lip, remembering what Quinn had just told her about the feeling of the truth behind an idea. Before she voiced what Santana had suggested, the showers started racing up and down her spine. Some part of her already knew what she wanted. Her mind just had not been quite as ready to accept it.

Quinn watched her girlfriend closely as an inner discussion apparently took place. But even though Rachel seemed to be struggling to find the right words, there was something in her eyes, a shimmer, a depth, something that made Quinn lose herself in the brown gaze, because it showed her a part of her lover's soul. Whatever was going on in Rachel's head at that moment, it was something that touched her core. It was hard for Quinn to patiently wait for her to come up with the words, so she could understand what it was that made Rachel connect so deeply again with her own inner self.

Then Rachel focused back on the blonde woman in front of her. With one deep breath she let it out.

"Santana asked me why I did not take up acting. Not just acting as a deaf character in some of the rare movies that dealt with the topic, but she suggested to either act as a "normal" person, not dwelling on my disability or to challenge directors to write a character into a movie who can't hear or see or walk. Just take it as a fact and move on with the original story. She made the point that there were quite many being physically or mentally challenged who live their lives as normally as possible, adapting their lives, but not trying to make it their everyday focus point."

She let out a long breath now that this was out. It had seemed like an absurd idea at first when Santana had laid it out on the table, but it had been working inside Rachel these past days.

"At first, I thought Santana was crazy for various reasons, but I have been throwing these thoughts back and forth in my head and I really feel…I…" Rachel tapped her chest with her hand over her heart, "…I feel like I still don't want to give up acting completely."

There, she said out loud what she had felt all along, but had never dared to let consciously drift into her mind. She had pushed it away, tried to extinguish these thoughts all this time, until Santana had unlocked something in her that let that knowledge float to the surface. And then seeing Quinn on stage, being at the theater, breathing the whole atmosphere again, just did the rest. Santana really could be a devil if it came to shoving people into a certain direction, even though she had done it for Rachel's own good, she had to admit.

"But even though I feel like I am a little closer to figuring out what to do with my life, I am still not sure that I will be given the chance."

Quinn bent over and gently placed a kiss on Rachel's forehead, then looked her deeply in the eyes.

_Rachel, I am not saying it will be easy. There might be a lot of stumbling stones waiting ahead. But we are all here to support you, if that is what you choose to do. We all have connections and know the business to a certain degree. You just need to be convinced and show the same confidence you have always had about your ability. The rest will come! And we will all help you along the way!_

"Thank you, darling, for accepting my ideas without questioning them, without telling me that I am crazy and that I am chasing a dream that never might come true. This…," she shyly looked at her own hands for a moment, then back up into Quinn's eyes, "… means a lot to me and I am a very, very lucky woman to have you in my life," she repeated aloud what she had thought earlier just to herself and sealed this statement with a passionate kiss.

Then her stomach grumbled again and both women laughed.

_Breakfast!_ Quinn decided and Rachel nodded.

"Yes, definitely! Though it's not fair that I never get to know if _your_ stomach makes the same impolite noises at the most inopportune moments," Rachel pouted a bit.

_Believe me, it does,_ Quinn admitted.

"What? And you never tell me? You just let me believe that it's only me who disturbs these holy moments? You sneak!" And Rachel slapped her girlfriend playfully on the arm.

"Ouch!" Quinn whined and rubbed the spot gingerly.

"Serves you right for shamelessly taking advantage of your girlfriend's deafness."

_Alright, alright, I swear, from now on, I will never conceal my stomach's rumbling from you again. Ever. Ok?_

"Fine."

_Kiss the pain away?_ Quinn then innocently asked with a bat of her long lashes and Rachel could not resist.

Tenderly she placed a kiss on the sore spot, muttering under her breath to herself:

"I hardly touched her, it could never have hurt that much."

_I heard that. I am still sitting in front of you._ Quinn signed, playfully indignant.

"Oh, really. Not anymore!" Rachel jumped up, slapped Quinn lightly on her upper arm again and jumped off the bed. She turned and saw Quinn disentangle herself from the bedcover to come after her. Quickly she thrust the door open, let out a squeal as she felt Quinn's hand pull at her t-shirt – sent out a prayer that Santana was already out of the house, otherwise she would kill her because of the noise – and raced down the hall towards the kitchen.

Quinn tackled her in front of the counter and they landed in a heap of giggles and entangled limbs on the floor, soon giving in to a laughing fit, letting go all the tension that had built up inside over the past days. When they were able to breathe again, they both laid next to each other, panting, wiping their eyes dry.

Finally Quinn sat up and offered a hand to her girlfriend. Rachel grabbed it and let herself be pulled into a sitting position.

_Sorry I came at you from behind,_ Quinn apologized when her hands were free again.

"It's ok, this time I knew you were right behind me." Rachel smiled and placed a kiss on the beautifully shaped lips in front of her. Then she felt Quinn grab her hand and place it on her flat stomach. She felt something rumble inside and laughed.

"Breakfast?"

"Breakfast!" Quinn answered, still holding Rachel's hand to pull her up on her feet.

* * *


	30. Chapter 30

**Glee belongs to Fox Networks and has been created by some other great people ...**

 

 

* * *

**Chapter 30**

After Quinn and Rachel had finished their breakfast, they stayed seated at the table. Their plates still stood on the table and they had lazily agreed to clean up later. Santana had indeed already left very early again for work, so Rachel was glad her squealing from earlier had not woken her up. She knew Santana could become very grumpy if disturbed in her sleep, _especially_ if she did not have to get up early for work.

Quinn had gotten her laptop to check her e-mails and Rachel decided she would plan on what they would be cooking for dinner on the upcoming weekend. Another list she decided to start was one on Christmas presents. Even though she was Jewish, she respected the Christmas custom and celebration of her friends and now that her social net had broadened again over the past weeks, she would like to get each of them a personal gift.

While jotting down some basic ideas onto her list, Rachel thought that she would like to spend some time with Kurt again and that it would be nice to have some dinner just the two of them, without anyone else around. It was always fun being with Kurt. Besides, she had something else that hovered at the rim of her brain and she was thinking of asking him his opinion on that. So it would be great to have some quality time with her friend.

Last time they had talked or rather chatted via Skype, she had told him about what had happened with Sharon. He had been shocked, to say the least. On one hand he understood Quinn's and Santana's anger and their desire to go after Sharon, however he agreed with Rachel that it would make sense to wait and see if she _really_ made true on her threats. And of course he had offered her all the support and help he could give her in that situation. It was so good to have friends that stood by her unconditionally, Rachel thought before she focused back on her list.

After having checked her e-mails and taken care of some online bank transfers Quinn browsed through a couple of Broadway and celebrity pages to stay on track what happened on the rumor side of the business. Though she generally tried to avoid any articles about herself. Except this morning there was one certain headline that caught her attention and her eyes were then glued to a particular article on the screen. She felt the color rise to her cheeks and it did not take three seconds for her blood pressure to reach a critical level as she digested the news.

"Oh fuck! I can't believe it. This bitch! This sneaking, lying, fucking bitch!" She shouted and smacked her hand down on the table which made Rachel jump as she felt the sudden force run through the wood up her arm. She had not paid any attention to Quinn while she was lost in her own thoughts. Looking up, Rachel instantly noticed the furious look on her face.

Cautiously she asked: "Care to tell me what's upsetting you so much?"

Quinn wordlessly turned her laptop around and showed Rachel the source of her anger. There was a little article displayed on the screen which apparently seemed to be the cause of Quinn's rage. Quickly Rachel scanned the lines.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_ Back from the dead?  
Quinn Fabray spotted with long lost Rachel Berry _

" _Ever wonder what happened to the rising star and exceptional talent Rachel Berry?_  
She had disappeared from the surface of the earth for a while acouple of months ago.  
Now it seems that she is ready to come back! She was seen in public for the first time  
since March with Bohemians' _star Quinn Fabray after the show Saturday evening._

 _Rumors have it Ms. Berry had been convalescing from the consequences_  
of a car accident, which could explain her absence from the Broadway stages.  
Injuries were supposed to have affected her hearing, but judging from  
the pictures below, this does not seem to be the case. However, according to  
our source, an official 'public appearance' is to be expected soon.

_This leaving much room for interpretation, we hope it means we can see Ms. Berry  
life on stage again soon._

_Well Ms. Berry, we are very much looking forward to seeing – and hearing you!"_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Aditionally there were two pictures of Quinn and Rachel leaving the theater after the show. Rachel was obviously talking to Quinn in one picture and the next showed them holding hands as they walked towards the subway station.

"Oh no," Rachel whispered. "Now they connected you with me. I am sorry Quinn; I never wanted that to happen! Not until the whole situation with Sharon was resolved. I did not want to drag you into it."

 _What?_ Quinn was confused. _That is all you care about? Whatever the tabloids will make of it, I am proud to be your girlfriend. I worry about what is written below the first picture more. Have you read that at all?_

Rachel shook her head and dropped her eyes to the text.

Under the first picture stood:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

 _Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray seem to be animatedly chatting about the evening's_  
performance of the blond actress. _Apparently Ms. Berry has many words of praise._  
 _Did listening to her colleague sing revive her own stage spirits again?_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

While the second one was subtitled with:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Or was I a pure social call to a friend? Though we are asking ourselves if there seems_  
 _to be some love in the air that caused the two Broadway singers to link their hands_  
 _in this boldly fashion?_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Before Rachel could react to it, Quinn had taken up her string of curse words.

"I'm gonna kill that worm! This fucking bitch exposed you without even standing on the frontline herself!" The blonde was so angry that she could not stay silent. Her hands slapped against each other in angry movements as she spoke.

Rachel just shrugged. "I know that we did not talk about your show until much later in the evening. I can't even remember what we talked about when we left the theater… oh, right, I told you about Tom. Anyway," she waved a dismissive hand towards the screen, "I don't have to react to that. That's something that I have learned very early in my career. It's best to not get hung up on what the papers write. It will only make you unhappy, no matter what they write. Either you get hungry and addicted for more, or you get absolutely devastated and depressed, neither of which is good. So for my part, I have chose not to read anything that's written about me. Besides, I wouldn't have had time to do anything else if I wanted to correct or comment on every tidbit that was published."

Quinn wondered how her girlfriend could stay so calm at this outragous article.

"But Rachel, this is different! This is a deliberate attempt to ruin your reputation by trying to prove that you are not deaf. Why do you think they have particularly posted this first picture with that capture? This is not just some random rambling. I think that this is Sharon's doing." Quinn spoke out loud while signing.

"How do you know that? How do you know _for sure_ that Sharon is behind it? Do you have any proof? Besides, I _was_ talking to you when we left the building, just don't know why she would want to prove that I am not deaf. There _is_ nothing to prove."

"Come on, Rachel, this is clearly her style! Who do you think is the trustful source they mention? And where did they get the fact about the accident and your injuries? You said only Sharon and your personal assistant and lawyers knew about it. Besides, the longer Sharon keeps pounding this rumor of your faking into people's heads, the harder it will become to prove the opposite, as absurd as it may seem." Quinn raked her hands through her hair after she had relayed all her words with her hands.

"So what am I supposed to do? Throw myself in front of a truck and tell people afterwards that I did not hear it coming? Should I start slurring my speech or stop talking all together? What? This is just sick. Looking at it, I can only lose, and I will not – and I keep on repeating it – I will not lower myself to that level. I have _nothing_ to prove. Just talking about this whole topic is offensive enough already!"

Now Rachel smacked down her hand in anger and noticed how Quinn slightly reclined in her chair. It was an unconscious movement but it showed Rachel that she apparently had been throwing her words out a bit loudly and vehemently, though they were not directly targeted at Quinn, she rather wanted to vent her anger about the whole situation in general.

The brunette took a deep breath to calm down, reminding herself that Quinn did not deserve to be the target of her anger. The blonde watched Rachel with her brows furrowed and a slightly hurt expression.

"I'm sorry Quinn. I am sorry I shouted at you. I am not angry with you, believe me. This whole fucking situation makes me so furious that I cannot describe it! I am looking at the ruins of my life and Sharon – if she really is behind this - has nothing better to do than to turn this into a big game."

Quinn's expression softened a bit.

 _I think she wants to pressure you into either confessing yourso called "prank" –_ Quinn drew the quotation marks into the air – _"or to admit openly and publicly how compromised you really are from the consequences of the accident._

"Yeah, however, I think the latter does not seem to have crossed her mind yet. But I'll have to talk to my lawyers, because you are right, there are not many people who knew about the extent of my injuries."

Rachel let her eyes roam across the room before settling on Quinn's face. Slowly it seemed to sink in what the whole situation did to her. She tried to soften her voice a bit.

"This is all so very personal. I am just starting to get my bearings again, finally being able to at least try to focus on what I want to to with my life and it makes me so angry to have all control taken out of my hand. Getting control over my life, learning to live with my limitations is just difficult enough. To have someone step so close into my personal space, pushing me, forcing me to react just makes me so mad!" Rachel pressed her hands against her temples. "I have had to give up enough of my freedom already and now it feels like I have also been robbed of the freedom to decide how to deal with my disability and when and whom to tell."

Quinn watched her girlfriend closely. She had not counted on Rachel getting so worked up on the article. She had expected for her to rather dismiss it, judging from her former rational and cool reactions, but apparently Rachel seemed to have realized now how this whole story undermined her personal space. Rachel's words gave Quinn also more insight on what impact losing her sense of hearing had on aspects other than communication.

She noticed that there was still something working in Rachel's mind and decided to give her some more room before saying anything.

Rachel was silently listening to the echo of her own words. She had to admit, the pictures could be a coincidence, but the whole thing definitely pointed at one direction, just as Quinn had stated earlier. And only now it had become clear to her how compromising this whole thing Sharon had started was for her.

She let out a long breath.

Fine.

If Sharon wanted to start a game, Rachel would not abide to its rules, whatever they were. She swiped her hands over her face and brushed her hair back.

"Alright." She thrust her shoulders back. "Let's assume this comes from Sharon…"

Quinn was relieved to hear this statement from her girlfriend.

 _Good! I have an idea…_ she was interrupted by Rachel stilling her hands with her own.

"Quinn, we won't kill her, maim her, hurt her – at least not physically - or actively ruin her," she instructed with a slight smile.

Quinn looked at Rachel for a moment. _Why not?_ She then asked sullenly.

Rachel got up and squeezed herself onto Quinn's lap. The blonde managed to scoot back a little so they would not be squashed between the chair and the table.

The brunette placed a hand on Quinn's cheek. Looking at her and touching her always helped to calm Rachel, to pull her back to reality and to bring her back to her senses. Now that her anger had somewhat dissipated, she could form some clear thoughts again and decide about how she wanted to deal with this.

"I appreciate your fierce protectiveness, darling," and she placed a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. "But I never ever want to stoop so low to be on the same level as her, wrongly accusing people of something they didn't do. You, me, we are much better than that. I can understand your desire to lash out and hurt her and I believe it would be immensely satisfying for a short while."

She paused for a moment, imagining that in her own head.

"Yes, it most definitely would be immensely satisfying," she sighed and looked over Quinns shoulder, then focused back on her. "But only for an instant, before having to face the consequences. And I think that would just make everything worse. As hard as it might be for you – and Santana, because I assume she is with you on the same page – I refuse to be bullied and forced into action." She pressed her lips together, then exhaled slowly.

 _"I_ know that I am not pretending, so do you and other people who are important to me. If _she_ thinks otherwise, it is _her_ problem. Not mine, not yours. At least, as long as she does not try to destroy your career in the process. Because then it will become my problem as well."

Quinn leaned back a little so she could sign.

_But don't you see, Rachel that is exactly how I feel. She is trying to hurt you and I love you and want to protect you. Why can't you let me do that? How would you feel if I forbade you to do anything against her if she tried to ruin me?_

Rachel had to reflect about that. Quinn had a point. "True, I'd feel the same." And she placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's soft lips before continuing.

"Though in this case I still think that our tactic should not be to openly confront her, but to passively show how wrong she is. This way, she will outmaneuver herself. This is the more intelligent and less harmful way for us. Even though it might take longer and needs more patience and endurance."

Quinn sighed. _So what do you propose?_

"Since I am in the focus of the public eye already, I might as well go for it. There are a couple of restaurants and bars where a lot of people from the business hang out. Well, I don't need to tell you, you know them. Maybe … we should go out and have some dinner there." She shortly looked at her hands, then back up at the hazel eyes. "It will soon be pretty obvious to what extent I was injured and how it influenced my life, I guess," she continued a little glumly. "Then it's up to the people to decide what they want to think."

Quinn looked at her for a moment. _Is that what you really want? Are you ready for that?_

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I guess I have to face it sometime, especially if I should chose to stick to my crazy notion of still wanting to act. So I guess … now is as good as ever. Let's take it from there." She swallowed, somehow not sure if she could really live up to her brave words.

_Ok, if you want to do it, I'll support you, whatever your decision will be. But what I don't get is why she is so intent on hurting you, Rachel. What is it that drives that woman? And why doesn't she just try to find out about your condition as much as possible before publicly maiming you? Isn't she one bit afraid that this might be real?_

The brunette got up from her girlfriend's lap and started pacing, thinking about her former manager, trying to pull everything she knew about her character into account before forming an answer.

"You know, Quinn, I think she is personally hurt, because she still thinks I am lying. She wonders why I would not honestly talk to her, but start acting up like that. Sharon is a woman who does not tolerate her clients doing things behind her back and is personally offended that I might think I could pull it off without her acting on it. Even though we have officially and legally canceled my contracts with her, she is afraid to lose me to the competition." Rachel stopped at the table and leaned her hip against it, facing her girlfriend.

"If I ever came back on stage as a singer, I would have to revoke my contracts with her. The cancelation was only based on my medical condition. So if I would get my hearing back, I would have to go back to her for the rest of the run time of my original contracts, which is still one and a half years. That is all she wants. So now, if she would tolerate my - in her eyes faking - what would other clients and potential competitors think? She would lose her reputation and maybe even clients who appreciate her tough demeanor so far. On a professional level, she _has to_ act on it or react to it as soon as I make a public appearance."

_But even though, she cannot expect you to hide out forever, even if your injuries are true. Still, if she is such a clever business woman, why not ask you for the medical records?_

"She has seen them, at least the early ones. It was necessary so she would sign the release. But I am not going to show her anything else beyond that. As I said before, if she does not want to believe me, it is her problem."

_And what if someone would want to hire you now, say, as an actress? Wouldn't you have to go back to her then either?_

Rachel slowly shook her head. "No. The release was signed on the basis of my injuries. They still exist. I still can't hear. From a medical and legal point of view I would not have to go back."

 _Maybe that is also a reason, why she is trying to ruin you either way. So nobody will want to hire you, no matter if you are healed or not,_ Quinn signed.

Then she smiled broadly and added:

_Because she knows that you are still a great talent, no matter what!_

Quinn stretched out her hand and pulled Rachel back onto her lap and planted a passionate kiss on the full lips of her girlfriend that also curved up in a little smile.

"Charmer!"

 _Still, I would just like to plant my fist into her face_ , Quinn then stated flatly. _Somehow that would feel so satisfying right now,_ she then sighed.

Rachel chuckled at Quinn's expression. "I know. But don't you see? If we manage that people understand that I am right and she is wrong, without me ever actively blaming her, it will be the best revenge we can get! Wait." With a start she paused a second. "Did I just say that? God, I already start thinking like her! I am not actually thinking about revenge. I am usually a very forgiving person."

 _Guess even your sense of forgivenenss eventually dries up_ , Quinn quipped.

Rachel shook her head. "Anyway, think about it. If we don't actively counteract whatever she does, but show that none of what she accuses me of is true, she'll hopefully lose some credibility."

Quinn looked a little disappointed and confused. She would much rather have taken Sharon head on with a little physical bashing and thrashing instead of acting cleverly and patiently, even though she saw Rachel's point. If just acting on impulse, she would be seen as the one that played foully and not Sharon in the end. Sharon could lose her trustworthiness and her own reputation _if_ they got it right.

The more she thought about it, the more she started to like the idea of cleverly "playing" against Rachel's former manager.

 _Fine, I get it. You are right,_ Quinn finally conceded. _Sharon will look like a fool, the more she insists on her ridiculous story. The hard part will be to not react to anything that she might throw into your path directly, though._

"Yes, but I think that is the only chance I have. Any other direct confrontation will only fuel her fire and with her connections, I am afraid she would win in the end." Rachel let this possibilities swirl through her head.

No. That would not do. She would not let her last bit of dignity be taken away be this woman.

Then something else came to her mind.

"Do you think we can convince Santana that she also keeps her tongue tied? That she will not go off by herself and try her own little scheme against Sharon?"

Quinn tilted her head from left to right, mulling over Rachel's words. _I don't know. We will have to explain to her why we think it best to do it our way – your way. Even though she pulled a great number to get Kurt re-instated into school, by bribing Karofsky all those years ago… But, no I think if we make her aware of all the consequences any harsh action might have, she'll comply._

_... ... ..._

"The hell I will!" Santana almost leaped off the sofa when Quinn and Rachel told her about the article that had been published in the internet and that they wanted her to stay quiet for now. She had come back around noon for a longer lunch break until she had to meet her next client in the afternoon.

The Latina looked from one woman to the other furiously. "Tell me you don't mean that! Tell me you have a plan to bring that woman down! You're not gonna just sit there and let her do this with you! And neither will I." She looked at her former Cheerios captain. "Quinn, tell me you are not leaning back on that one."

Santana had been talking so fast that it was difficult for Quinn to keep up with the signing. Rachel's look darted between her girlfriend's hands and Santana's lips back and forth, not getting every word the Latina was saying, despite Quinn's signing. She tried to piece together most of it and the anger Santana was transmitting through every pore of her body was almost palatable.

"Santana, please, let me explain. It's not like I am not going to do nothing. I will do something. But it will not be a direct confrontation, neither will I talk to the press nor will I ever openly accuse Sharon or try to make her look bad. The only way I can win this game is by proving that I am not faking anything. Even though that means I have to let people know about it sooner or later in one way or another. At one point, hopefully people will realize that I did not make this up." Then she added very quietly: "Even if I wish I did."

Santana let out a long breath. "So you think that will do it? Just show your face and nothing else?" It would take a lot more than that to convince the Latina. "Besides, why do you keep on saying 'I', Berry? It's not just you. We are in this together, remember?"

Despite the tense situation, Rachel had to smile. "Fine. _We_."

"Still I don't get why you want to be so passive about this whole thing," the Latina insisted.

This time Quinn tried to explain, her hands following her words. This was going to be a little difficult, she still had to concentrate quite a bit while signing and speaking at the same time, especially if she was saying more than a few sentences. Sometimes it still happened that she would confuse the signs and Rachel would have to ask her to repeat a word or a sentence, if she did not catch it in parallel by reading her lips. So Quinn had learned to pause in between some sentences, when she was doing both in parallel. That helped her to relax for a short moment and concentrate anew. Despite the few stumbles, she had become quite adapt at signing.

"Santana, I know you'd like to get your hands on this woman's dirty little throat. But honestly, even though it took Rachel some convincing to do, I realized that this would only make things worse for Rachel. Sharon has already accused her of simulating her deafness. If we try to hurt her openly now, she will only turn this against us. She'll play the card that Rachel Berry is already pretending her deafness and now tries to plan some other nasty scheme to fool the public. just to get some more attention. This way, Sharon will be the poor victim."

Quinn paused for a moment to collect herself before continuing with her explanation.

"She is actually using Rachel as the perfect bait to play her own little game. So Rachel may never – never ever take that bait. She needs to stay clear of that even though it might cost a lot of nerves and patience." She looked intently at her friend. "I know this is hard and I had the same intial reaction. I just wanted to get up and bash her face in. But the more we talked about it and the more I thought about it, I understood that only this way we have a chance of everyone else recognizing that not Sharon, but actually Rachel is the victim here in this whole sick game."

Rachel rolled her eyes. She did not want to be a victim. Even though she understood what Quinn was saying and how she meant it.

There was a moment of silence in which Rachel and Quinn exchanged a short look in the hopes that Santana's thirst for revenge had been quenched a bit and that she would understand their actions.

"Fine," she finally sighed, using the exact same words like Quinn before. "I get it." The Latina directed her black eyes at Rachel. "Let's see what happens. If nothing will change and this fucking lying snake of a woman keeps on harassing you, I will get my hands on her, like it or not. Imma gonna unlock that old Lima Heights badass girl that is still slumbering inside me and Imma gonna kick some ass!"

Despite the earnestness of the situation Quinn had to laugh at the last concession and even Rachel had to smile when her girlfriend accurately finger-spelled the Latina's Lima Heights speak. She knew it was not easy to bring such nuances across in ASL, so she was even more grateful that Quinn paid such close attention to it and wanted her to get the full context. In an impulse she grabbed Quinn's right hand and placed a soft kiss on the fingertips.

"So what's the plan?" Santana looked from Quinn to Rachel.

"We'll go out to dinner." Quinn stated, then looked at Rachel with a questioning expression, to get her approval.

Rachel nodded slowly. She could do this. She could go out and enjoy a dinner with her friends. After all, she had managed to watch an entire musical without hearing as much as one single note, so she surely could master a simple dinner at a restaurant.

Quinn seemed to catch onto her insecurity and encouragingly squeezed her hand, trying to tell her through that gesture and a smile that she would be alright, that everything would go well. Rachel nodded again and smiled bravely.

They decided to check if Kurt was also available to join them. Quinn would later call their favorite restaurant in order to reserve a table for the next evening, which was a Wednesday. Santana was free and Quinn also did not have to perform. So at least the three of them were already settled. Now they only had to get Kurt to join them.

Rachel thought that if he agreed, her wish to see him would have come true quicker than she had thought. Even though the circumstances per se were not as perfect, she would still enjoy his support and company.

The planning for the rest of the Tuesday afternoon was simple. Quinn had to get ready for an evening show a little later. They agreed that Rachel would then drive home to her apartment, meeting her girlfriend there after she finished her performance.

... ... ...

When Rachel was home, she threw her purse and other stuff on the couch and logged on to her computer, checking her e-mails.

She had received two messages that surprised her. Well, actually one that really surprised her, the other one was a regular reminder that there was still one person in her life who should know what really happened – instead of the superficial _'I'm fine, just busy'_ stuff she always sent as an answer back to the inquiries.

Focusing on the first e-mail, she curiously opened the message and scanned the text.

_Hi Rachel,_

_You might be a bit surprised to see this message coming from me. I finally found the courage to write to you, so please forgive me, if I have been treating you not very nicely and have not been understanding in the past._

_Kurt told me what happened with your former manager and I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry that she acted like that.  
I had some contact with her when I heard about the engagement here in New York and even though she seemed to have a high success rate in getting her clients placed into the big shows, I personally did not like her bossy demeanor. But I guess everyone has different ways of dealing with different characters, so I am glad she did a great job for you, at least, until you had your accident. _

_Rachel, I really want to aplogize that I acted so strangely around you. I just did not know how to deal with it. Becoming deaf is something that has always scared me a lot and now having seen it happen to someone I know, someone who loved performing and music just as much as I do, just shocked me too much._ _I did not want to deal with it. I flat out tried to ignore the whole thing, even though Kurt sat me down several times to talk some sense into me._

_It's just an irrational fear that I have had since my childhood and it's gotten worse since I am now really staying on the stage almost every night, performing and singing. I have no idea how to get rid of this fear, but I know that seeing you having to live without your hearing, having to give up singing and the whole life you built around it, just freaked me out.  
After the dinner at Quinn's place I selfishly imagined me in your place and then I really lost it. I think Kurt was close to calling the paramedics to get me sedated. You might probably wonder how I could throw such a fit over something that has not even happened to me in real life, while you have to go through with it every day._

_Honestly I can't say how I will react next time we'll see each other. I don't like myself this way. Don't know if it is too much to ask to be a patient with me._

_I am not sure if you can ever understand me and my irrational reaction, but the least I could to was try to explain, so you would you know why I was such a jerk._

_Blaine_

Rachel sat a little stunned in front of the screen _._ After his surprisingly honest explanation she could understand a bit where Blaine was coming from, but this fear about losing her voice or becoming deaf had luckily never grown inside her while she was still performing. Yes, she had provided for it, insuring her voice and her hearing should anything ever happen. In retrospect it had been a good choice, since the payments now provided her with enough money to not having to worry about her living arrangements for the next years. But she had never dwelled on the likelihood of something happening to her like Blaine did. Living with such a constant fear could be really consuming.

She placed her hands on the keyboard and started typing her reply.

_Hi Blaine,_

_Your e-mail surprised me. Of course I noticed that you had some kind of problem with me, but I just could not figure out why or what it was. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt.  
Thank you for being honest with me now. At least now I understand what made you act like this around me last time we saw each other. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know._

_I do hope that we will see each other again sometime and I promise to be patient, if you promise me to stay honest and open with me. Should you feel more comfortable writing, then that is also fine with me and don't hesitate to ask me any questions you might have. It really helped that Quinn and Santana discussed a lot of things with me regarding my deafness and I am glad they were never shy to ask. So whenever you feel ready to talk, I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can._

_It is easier for me if people confront me directly instead of beating around the bush or pretending that everything is all right. So I really appreciated your explanation._

_I hope that you'll manage to conquer your fear one day - or that you at least manage to accept it and not let it make you miss out on the happiness. Sometimes, fear can overshadow everything and make you blind for the good things you have.  
I really hope that every time you stand on stage you enjoy it instead of fearing that you could lose it all. _

_I send you a hug (and one for Kurt)_

_Rachel_  
 _P.S.: What are the odds of one of our group of friends having to suffer the exact same fate like me? I'd say zero to none. So if you believe in statistics, I guess you are safe. :-)._  
 _Just kidding. I do take your words seriously, so whenever you feel like talking, e-mailing, texting, please do._

Thinking of deleting the sentences under the PS Rachel then decided against it. Hopefully Blaine would see it as it was meant. A little encouragement and sign that she was not offended.

Clicking on send, she then read the second e-mail.

This one was from Shelby.

Rachel and her birth mother had stayed in loose contact over the years, writing each other e-mails, letters, and meeting at Christmas in Lima for a short personal catch-up. Very few times they also had met in New York when Shelby was in the city.

Over the past months however, Rachel had only sent very short answers back to her mother whenever she had written, not finding the courage to tell her what had happened. When Shelby heard that Rachel had relinquished her role in Funny Girl, she had of course tried to find out why, especially since she had not received the news from Rachel herself, but from another source. But neither Rachel nor her dads had explained something concrete, which was immensely frustrating for Shelby.

Rachel had just told her that she needed some time off due to immense pressure. So basically the same stuff her assistant had told the press and Shelby was non the wiser, except that she felt that there was more going on and wanted to know the details. She knew about pressure such a job brought, and had hoped to support Rachel in any way.

Several times she was short of just showing up in front of Rachel's apartment to find out what was really going on, but then figured, if Rachel wanted to talk about it, she would do it and since she still answered her e-mails, it was at least something, however superficial and short her replies were.

Now, in the most recent e-mail, Shelby had invited her for their traditional Christmas dinner again, just like the years before. Only this time she asked if it was all right to have the dinner together with Quinn, not yet knowing that Rachel and her were a couple. She had planned a ski vacation with Beth and wanted to know, if it was ok to meet both girls on the same evening, figuring that they had stayed in contact over the years.

Rachel had not told Shelby about the break up of her and Quinn's friendship. She had not even talked much about it with her dads, it had just hurt too much. However it made the holiday planning a bit easier now, it seemed. At least for Shelby.

Rachel knew that Quinn also stayed in contact with Shelby because of Beth. So whenever Quinn traveled back to Lima, she would also spend some time with her daughter. Apparently she had not mentioned anything about the status of their friendship either.

Rachel sighed. There was a quite some explaining to do to bring Shelby up to date with everything. But first of all she wanted to ask Quinn if she had received the same invitation from Shelby and how to deal with this. So she decided to put answering her off antoher day, or at least until she had discussed this with Quinn. Basically there stood nothing against having dinner the four of them together.

It was just the question of how to break the news to Shelby of what was really going on in their lives.

Rachel blew a strand of hair out of her face. Then she pushed the laptop away and got up. She would worry about this a little later.

Now she preferred to think about her girlfriend and what to prepare for a light late dinner so they could enjoy the meal together. Thinking back how worried she was the first time she and Quinn were supposed to have dinner, because she thought of herself to be such a lousy cook, she now started to enjoy preparing food for her girlfriend and herself. It really made a difference if you just cooked for yourself or if you had someone to enjoy the food with and so far Quinn had liked and complimented her on the dishes she had created.

Smiling Rachel opened the fridge to take stock of her inventory. Finding she had everything she needed, she decided to jumpt into the shower. Slowly slipping out of her clothes, she then stepped under the hot water that rained down on her. Feeling the warm drops hit her skin, she tilted her head upwards, imagining the sound the rushing of the water made when it came out of the showerhead and how it splashed onto her skin and the tiles around her.

Thinking of how she would serve the finger food she had planned to prepare and how she would feed Quinn with it, Rachel started to hum a little melody without noticing it.

 

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll have a little more action in the next chapter, though I had the feeling I needed to clarify a couple of things here in regards to Sharon and why Rachel wanted to deal with it the way she does...


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

The afternoon on Wednesday, Rachel stood in front of her wardrobe desperately trying to find something to wear. Every outfit she had picked out so far was discarded again for whatever reason. Quinn, Santana and she would go out for dinner tonight, meeting Kurt at the restaurant too.

Wednesdays, and for some plays Monday, was usually a day that brought a lull in the ticket sales, as many people were either still satiated from the weekend's cultural program or were looking forward to their plans in the upcoming end of the week. Therefore, many plays decided to keep the theaters closed on one of those two days. Unfortunately, Quinn's play would be on, but it was her co-star's turn for this particular night.

Quinn had called Kurt and had shortly explained the situation. Rachel had been ok with Quinn making the call as it was quicker than sending text messages back and forth.

Not that Kurt had been surprised about the whole situation; he had read the article about Rachel as well and was familiar with what had happened between her and Sharon. Rachel had told him via e-mail some days ago when she needed another person's opinion on how to react under the circumstances. Kurt had also thought it best not to do anything rash but to wait and see how things developed.

Seeing the article though, he was also convinced that it must have been Sharon's doing and when Quinn asked him if he was free to join their dinner and lend Rachel some moral support, he did not hesitate.

As Rachel sifted through her closet, she doubted more and more on the sense of their "plan". There was nothing wrong per se going out to dinner with friends, but the real reason behind it just seemed so surreal. As if she was a character in a badly written movie plot; only this time she was not portraying another person but was representing herself, which made her even more nervous.

Her social anxiety had not diminished much, it was still an act of sheer willpower to go out and be confronted with the hearing world. A world she once belonged to but had to view from the sidelines now. Also, it was another challenge to meet people from her former trade, some of which still sent her messages and asked what happened and how she was. They might not necessarily run into some of those old colleagues tonight, but they might. It was not something Rachel was looking forward to. One by one in a controlled surrounding would have been ok, but not knowing exactly what was awaiting her gave her the jitters.

But in order to take the wind out of Sharon's sail, she only had two choices. Stay away from all social life, from everything that had meant so much for her, which then as a consequence meant not being a support for Quinn in her career. Or she could swallow her fear, find her courage, step out and let people know what happened. What _really_ happened and not what Sharon Basont wanted them to think.

While turning this over and over in her head, she finally asked herself if she _really_ had to do it. If the only thing Sharon was afraid of was that Rachel would look for another manager and would only try to keep the cancelation of her contract with this tale of an injury upright, would her fears not be stilled by the pure fact that Rachel did not show up in public anymore? Not now and not in the near future?

Then again, she wanted to be there for her girlfriend, she wanted to show her that despite her current condition, she would always encourage her in her career and lend her moral support.

It all sounded so easy, but it would actually mean for her to visit concerts, shows and maybe even award shows with her – if Quinn wanted to be accompanied by her. If so, this would inevitably bring her back in touch with her former world. So the earlier she started getting used to it, the easier it would be when she needed to support Quinn, Sharon Basont and her fucking reasons be damned.

Rachel sat on her bed. Another thing was that if she really wanted to consider the crazy idea of taking up acting again, she would have to start showing her face and refresh the contacts she still had.

A part of her really wanted to be out there again. It felt like a small piece of the old Rachel was slowly finding its way back into her life. She wanted to know what was going on in the business, she actually wanted to meet some of her former colleagues that still tried to get in touch with her and she did not want to hide for the rest of her life.

And that part of her wanted to also start enjoying the small things in life that had been so natural to her once again. But there was this huge obstacle that put the whole world on mute and made it so difficult just walking up to somebody, saying hello, asking how he or she has been. Or walking into a bar or a restaurant or a coffee shop, ordering her most favorite drink with all the little extras knowing that there would come a million questions with it from the service guy without wondering how to understand him.

She sighed.

God why was life now so complicated that she had to think and pre-plan just a simple dinner with friends? It all sounded so logical and easy when speaking about it, but actually going through it now, she felt her knees go weak.

Maybe she should just forget about everything else and only focus on having a nice evening with her friends at a nice restaurant.

Take the pressure off.

Well, she had to be patient, she guessed. One step at a time seemed to have become her constant motto. She would find ways to deal with all these situations. It would cost time and experience and it would need courage to actually go out and actively seek out these situations, but only then would she be able to work out ways to deal with them. She was sure that it would be easier with time. Rachel just wished she already had the wealth of experiences only months and years to come would bring.

For now, she had to concentrate on the present and try to get her nerves under control.

Rachel looked at the clothes in her hands that she had pulled out of the closet without paying attention to them. On a second look, they seem ok for the purpose.

Breathing deeply a few times, she then stood up and looked at the dark grey slacks and the black blouse. Then she chose a pair of black high heels to complete the outfit. As an accessory she selected a long, silver necklace with a small silver pendant shaped like an angel's wing. It had been a gift from her dads just before her first big Broadway audition some years ago. It came with the words:

_May you always have a breadth of air beneath your wings!_

She could definitely need some uplift now. It was always comforting to feel the small weight of the pendant just below her breast bone.

Quickly, Rachel brushed her hair and decided to leave it cascading down her back, not bothering to straighten the natural soft waves. With a look at the clock on the nightstand, she decided she might as well get dressed now. She would meet Quinn and Santana at their apartment and take a cab to the restaurant from there together.

As for the evening's "protocol", they had decided that she should just do as she felt most comfortable with in regards to using sign language; Kurt and Quinn would support her without question. Remembering how well it had worked during the first dinner they had at Quinn's place, Rachel was confident that she did not need to worry in that regard. This time, it was just the four of them, so it would be easier to follow who was saying what.

As the remnants of their last subway experience still lingered in her bones, Rachel decided to take a cab. She was lucky as a yellow car drove up the road and picked her up just as she stepped out of her apartment building. She quickly gave Quinn's address to the driver and let herself be ferried across town. Fifteen minutes later, they stopped in front of her destination. She quickly paid and stepped out. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the cab pull away from the curb and quickly stop again.

That was weird.

Turning, she saw the driver reach behind himself and then get out again. That moment it dawned on her.

Shit. How could she be so nervous to forget half her stuff in the cab?

The guy quickly walked over, handed her the small Dakine travel bag with a smile and the comment "You forgot this". Rachel sighed with relief and smiled back at him.

"Thanks, don't know where I have my head," she answered and lifted her hand in a quick gesture of thanks and goodbye.

They had decided to stay at Quinn's place after the dinner earlier, so she had packed some stuff for the night and fresh clothes for the next day.

Opening the apartment with her key, she found neither girl present in the kitchen or living room, so she quickly made her presence known by ringing the bell before she entered. Santana poked her head out of her room with a phone to her ear, acknowledged Rachel's presence with a nod and pointed at the bathroom to tell her where Quinn was.

Rachel dropped her bag in the bedroom and debated whether to help her lady to get ready. Or, well, distract her from it. With a smug smile, she sauntered over to the bathroom door when Santana came out of her room on her way to the kitchen. Rachel called after her.

"Santana, do you hear what she is doing? I don't want to scare her if she doesn't hear me knock," she asked the Latina. Santana listened for a moment then pointed at her ear and shook her head, wanting to say that she did not hear anything.

Apparently, Quinn was neither under the shower nor drying her hair so Rachel took the chance to knock and a second later a blonde head looked around the half opened door in answer. Quinn's face was quickly illuminated with a huge smile at seeing who was standing in front of her and she unceremoniously pulled Rachel inside, right against her own lips.

The brunette laughed against her girlfriend's mouth. "What a nice welcome! Did you miss me?"

Quinn nodded and mouth "very", before claiming Rachel's full lips again, savoring their softness and taste.

With a satisfied sigh, she then let got and held the other woman at arm's length to let her eyes wander over her body appreciatively.

_You look very sexy, darling. I never thought I'd like you in pants as much as in skirts, but the way they cling to your hips and accentuate your nice little butt, damn, I like it!_ Quinn complimented her girlfriend with her hands.

Rachel blushed from the praise.

"Thanks. I like your towel-wrap outfit as well. I'd recommend some shoes though before going out," she then teased Quinn's half naked state, only hidden by a huge bath towel the blonde had draped around herself after coming out of the shower.

Quinn wanted to give a smart retort but was disturbed by a loud knock on the door. At least that was what Rachel figured it was, since the blonde looked up and then moved her mouth in what seemed like an answer to Santana outside. She raised a questioning eyebrow and waited for Quinn to explain.

The blond rolled her eyes. _S is afraid we'll make out in the bathroom and she'll have no time to get ready. I told her to get lost and that we could have hot sex wherever we wanted,_ she then grinned.

"Is she still out there?" Rachel asked in a low voice.

Quinn nodded. _Yeah, she's gonna camp in front of the door until we come out, that's what she said. Don't know if that is supposed to scare us or what._

Rachel let a mischievous grin appear on her face, pressed herself against Quinn's body, turned her in the process and walked her two steps backwards until the blonde leaned her back against the door. Then Rachel pressed herself harder against her taller girlfriend.

"Oh Quinn! Ah, yes, please!" Rachel moaned and banged her hand against the door for emphasis.

Quinn had to bite her lip. Part of her felt like laughing at Rachel's antics, while another part of her was getting very much aroused. And it didn't help that she only had a towel concealing very little of her body and that she had a full view down Rachel's neckline, ogling the swell of her breasts just above the lace of her bra.

When they felt a hard rap at the door coming from outside, both women could not hold in their laughter any longer. Giggling, they opened the door and rushed past a slightly fuming Latina towards the bedroom.

Still giggling they fell on the bed.

"Did she say anything?" Rachel wanted to know.

_Yes. She said fuck you, too._

"Who me, or you?" Rachel retorted smartly.

Quinn shoved her. Then joined the banter. _I guess she meant you, she already had me some years ago,_ she grinned.

Rachel snickered. "True. Think she'll ever forgive us?"

_I guess we'll have to live that one down for a while_ , Quinn grinned.

"I am sure she'll find a way to retaliate. Oh, did she tell you how did her date with Jenna was?" Rachel then remembered to ask.

_It wasn't a date. At least that was what Santana insisted on,_ Quinn answered with her hands, laying on her back on the bed, her towel barely concealing her best parts.

"Yeah, right. With that spark shooting off between them? Come on!" Rachel did not buy it.

_I know. I kept insisting that it was a date. Anyway, they had planned a nice dinner, then they wanted go to another bar and, um, I think it was around two in the morning when I hear her come back. So I'd say they probably had a nice evening._

"Hm, sounds like it. Gotta ask her about it. You haven't talked to her?" Quinn shook her head. "I'll ask her. I want to know _everything_ about that _date_."

_Yeah, me too! Ok, I've got to get dressed, as much as you like my current outfit, but I wouldn't want to be kicked out by the next best waiter._

When Quinn stood up from the bed, Rachel tugged at the hem of the towel until it came loose and revealed a gloriously naked athletic body.

"Not sure they would be able to kick you out if they saw this," she murmured while she stretched a bit and pressed her lips on the soft skin of her girlfriend's stomach.

Quinn hummed at the touch, leaning into her girlfriend who was still seated in front of her, having her face then just at the perfect height to meet the juncture of her legs. Never letting an opportunity to go to waste, Rachel was quick to place soft kisses at the alluring sight in front of her.

"Guys, get dressed already. We have to get going in twenty!" Quinn then heard Santana holler across the hallway.

"Shoot!"

Rachel looked up. "What?"

_Santana just called, I completely forget the time when I am with you. We have to leave in twenty minutes!_

"Oh, then hurry!" And she gave her girlfriend a light slap on her bottom half.

…. ... ...

Thirty minutes later, they piled into a cab and rode the fifteen blocks to the restaurant where they would meet Kurt.

He was already waiting in front, rubbing his hands together and stepping from one foot to the other.

"What took you guys so long? I am freezing my nice little butt off," he exclaimed in greeting while signing with his black-gloved hands.

He wore a dark gray coat with a black collar and a white scarf wrapped around his neck and the ends tugged neatly inside the coat.

"Sorry Kurt, not my fault. The ladies here," and Santana nodded with her head back in the direction of the other two women who had the good grace to at least look a little guilty, as they climbed out of the cab "had a little inappropriate timing."

"Ugh, we didn't even make out," Quinn muttered under her breath, not being able to sign as she pulled Rachel out of the cab after her with one hand.

"Whatever, I don't care. Let's go in; it's not getting warmer out here," Kurt replied, and held the door for the three ladies.

They had to wait for a moment for a waiter to be seated. Kurt used the short wait to courteously embrace each of his friends to make up for the somewhat harsh greeting he had displayed outside.

_Hi Rachel, good to see you again._

"Hey, Kurt, thanks for coming tonight! Is Blaine busy?" She politely inquired, secretly relieved that he was not here.

_Yes, he has to perform tonight_. He paused for a moment, noticing the slightly uneasy look on her face. _You sure you are ready for this?_

Rachel just managed a nod and felt her friend's eyes still resting on her face when she noticed the head waiter approach. He checked his reservation list and led them to a table right in the middle of the restaurant. Rachel's face fell a little realizing they would sit there in plain sight for the whole restaurant to see them. Quinn noticed her look and apologized.

_They didn't have any other table. I don't know what it is today, but two other restaurants I called were also fully booked. Maybe they can re-seat us once some other guests are leaving. Shall we give it a try?_

Again, Rachel only managed to nod.

The restaurant was built into an old church which made for a wonderful interior and an impressive architecture, but for the acoustics the owners were still struggling to find a way to dampen the echo that reverberated from the stone walls. When the place was fully booked, it was sometimes hard to understand the people at your own table, though this did not keep the guest from coming and enjoying the absolutely superb food and surroundings. Sometimes, they would also have little concerts for which the acoustics were then great.

The four of them chose their seats at their table and Quinn, Kurt and Santana simultaneously looked around to assess who the other guests were. Rachel had immediately buried her head in the menu, which lay on each plate, feeling very shy suddenly. She had already spotted two people she knew coming in and hoped they would just ignore her.

She was not so sure that this was a good idea anymore. The size of the place, the way they were seated and the fact that it seemed fully booked did nothing to ease her anxiety. Part of her wanted to look around, wanted to assess the situation to know what was going on in her surroundings, but a bigger part just felt like shrinking until she was invisible to the rest of the world. Maybe it was too early, maybe she should have waited a little longer, until she felt surer of herself before confronting this part of the world.

She tried to take deep breaths while she concentrated on the words in front of her until she felt a warm hand on hers. Looking up, she noticed Quinn's hazel eyes full of concern.

The blonde was watching Rachel closely upon entering, seeing how she nervously bit her lip and tried to make herself as small as possible in order to not call any attention to her. She tried to put herself in Rachel's shoes and figured that the choice of the restaurant was a little bit unfortunate for their first "outing".

Quinn had been there twice and had to admit that though she really liked the architecture and the whole atmosphere, she had forgotten how bothersome the noise was. The constant rush of the many waiters was also a bit annoying, especially when you sat in the middle of it all.

Centering her attention on her girlfriend, she signed:

_How do you feel? Should we leave?_ _I mean it. If you want to go, we can leave._

Rachel genuinely considered taking her up on her offer, then bravely bit her lip and slowly moved her head from side to side.

Maybe they should have waited, maybe they just should have gone out for a short drink to begin with, Quinn thought. Anyone could see how uncomfortable Rachel was. Santana and Kurt seemed to notice it too as they exchanged a short and knowing look.

Quinn guessed that Rachel would not have let herself be rushed into such a decision under normal circumstance. One more reason to hate Sharon Basont. Even though Rachel had been an actress, and a very good one, despite of what she might think of that herself, everyone with a bit of common sense could not think she was just putting on a show.

Rachel became paler by the minute; her breathing got more labored while little beads of sweat appeared just under her hairline on her forehead. She felt the waiters rushing past her and did not dare to look around, and every time jolted a bit when someone brushed by her chair. This let the tension inside her build up even more.

Rachel was not sure if she could swallow one bit of her food, not matter what she ordered. Her throat felt so tight that it was hard to breath. With fear, she realized that she was close to a panic attack.

Great.

It was surely a wise idea to start hyperventilating in the middle of a fully packed restaurant if you wanted to _not_ draw any attention to yourself.

The worst part was that she did not even understand why she reacted like that. It was not a situation that was as scary as it was on the subway. Nothing had happened yet, she was just sitting in the middle of a restaurant having dinner with her friends. No big deal. No reason to be scared, no reason to get her nerves all fired up.

But still, not knowing where to aim her attention at with all the buzzing around her absolutely confused her since the acoustic cues were missing to help her evaluate the situation. Again, she was fully confronted with the fact of how much she unconsciously had relied on her hearing in situations like this without ever acknowledging it before, or ever be thankful for it.

Quinn tugged on her hand, motioned a waiter to get their coats and pulled Rachel out of her chair.

"Guys, excuse us for a minute." She threw over her shoulder at her two friends and signed for Rachel:

_Let's go get some fresh air._

Rachel numbly followed and let herself be guided out of the building. Quinn led them away from the entrance and then held Rachel's shoulders, trying to get her attention. When she would not look at her, she gently lifted her chin until the brown eyes met hers.

Quinn noticed the panic, confusion and hurt in them.

_Breathe!_

Quinn mouthed, while still holding onto Rachel's slender shoulders. When Rachel did not react, she shook her slightly to get her out of the catatonic state she had slipped into.

Finally the brown eyes seemed to focus on her and Quinn repeated the word ' _breathe'_ with her lips.

Rachel took a shuddering breath, her eyes not leaving Quinn's.

"Good. Keep breathing in….. and out," the blonde voiced very slowly noticing how Rachel was trying to adapt her breathing pattern to hers.

After a couple of deep breaths, she seemed to calm down a little and the shallow breaths had returned to a more normal rhythm.

After another moment Rachel managed to raise her hands to sign.

_Sorry. I don't know why I panicked. There was nothing that should've made me react like that._

Quinn looked at Rachel's hands. Just the fact that she signed these words was a sign of how much the situation had distressed her. She had noticed before when Rachel did not feel very comfortable, she sometimes reverted back to signing, as if feeling insecure about her voice, about managing to control her pitch and volume.

Quinn gently cupped her face with one hand and stroke her thumb over her cheek before she answered.

_It's ok, honey. Don't apologize. Things like that happen and it doesn't always need a specific reason. Look at it like this; you have not been out in public for such a long time - subway rides aside._

Quinn searched Rachel's face for a reaction. She noticed the ever so slight nod.

_Coming to my show was a first step and it was in the relative security of the backstage area even. Here, you are fully exposed and even though most of the people would not know what happened from the first glance, you probably know and feel it every step of the way. It is ok to be scared. It is ok to feel uncomfortable, but I think the more you try to suppress it, the harder it will become._

Quinn rested her hands as she held Rachel's gaze, trying to transmit all the love and support she could give through her eyes.

_No one expects you to be perfect Rachel, least of all your friends. Don't try to get through this alone. That is why we are all here. I can imagine this is not easy, but tell us what you need to feel more comfortable in this situation. Ok?_

Quinn debated whether to offer to leave and go home again. But she did not want to give up yet, knowing that it would be even harder for Rachel, seeing this as a failure. And facing such a situation the next time would only be more difficult.

She gave Rachel a few moments to digest her words, her eyes never leaving her face.

Finally she saw more than she heard a very small and soft "Ok" coming from her girlfriend's lips.

Quinn stepped a little closer and waited for Rachel to close the remaining gap with a hug. Then she held her girlfriend for a moment, stroking her hand lightly over her back.

Rachel had to draw up quite willpower to finally let go and disentangle herself from Quinn. She still felt like bolting and going back home, her home, hide under the covers and forget the whole world. But she knew that this would get her nowhere. And that it would make it only harder facing a similar situation next time. She owed it to her friends and also to herself after all that she had accomplished to take this next step, too.

She lifted her hands. _I think I am ready to go in,_ she signed while she silently mouthed the words in parallel.

Quinn nodded. _Ok. Take your time, no rush._

Rachel took a couple more deep breaths and then turned, quickly squeezing Quinn's hand as a sign of gratitude.

They re-entered the restaurant and this time Rachel forced herself to not look at the floor, but to walk at a normal pace towards their table, consciously taking in her surroundings.

The waiter took their coats again and Rachel noticed the relieved looks on her friend's faces when she and Quinn joined them back at the table. While cautiously sitting down, she threw them an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I guess this threw me off balance more than I thought it would." Thinking back to Quinn's words outside, she then asked her friends:

"Can you describe to me what it's like? What do you hear? I remember that it can be very noisy, but I… I don't know it feels strange … without the background noise. Sorry, I sound stupid."

Kurt reached across the table before signing his answer. _No! Don't say that. It is ok to ask, Rachel!_

And Kurt did his best to describe what he heard.

The clatter of the dishes, the hushed voices whose volumes felt like they were ten times intensified as they echoed back from the high stone walls, the steps of the waiters on the tile floor when they were rushing back and forth, the harsh and high laughter of a couple of women that sat two tables over, the clinking of the silverware against the plates. These high-pitched noises were also much more intensified in volume through the architecture.

Santana also gave a good summarizing description which Quinn translated for her.

"From our table, it feels like we're sitting in the middle of a merry go round. Only that you don't have the little horses flying around you, it is the noise. It swirls around and it's sometimes hard to locate where it's coming from when it bounces off the walls."

"Thank you," Rachel managed shyly. She was really grateful for the descriptions. It helped trigger some of the memories she had of this place.

Though the noise did not seem to become any lower over the course of the evening, the more people ate and drank, the louder they seemed to get to make themselves heard over the backdrop noise of the restaurant. It seemed that all the noise that bounced off the walls was directed at their table.

More than once, Rachel had to raise her voice to repeat what she had said. It was exhausting. She found it difficult to adjust the volume just right, because she had no way of judging how loud the surroundings really were. She more and more reverted to signing, even though she preferred to talk, it was so much easier for her as well as for her friends. Now they had to not only translate for her, but also for Santana when Rachel was signing.

She felt even more grateful for Quinn and Kurt to be there and help her along.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed the curious looks from some of the neighboring tables. Rachel tried to ignore them. She felt Quinn's hand on her thigh and the blonde squeezed it encouragingly.

_How are you holding up?_

_Ok, I guess. Is it exhausting for you? I am sorry that I don't feel comfortable talking._

_Kurt and I are fine, really._ After a short moment Quinn asked: _Have you seen anyone you know?_

_Three tables a little to the left is a woman in a black dress. I know her from_ Funny Girl _. She sings in the background choir and is the stand-in for the actress who plays one of Mr. Arnstein's show girls. Other than that I have not looked much. She kind of sat in my line of vision, that's how I spotted her._

They finished their main course talking about one of Santana's clients who apparently made her life hell. That meant something if even Santana had troubles standing her ground. But she had worked out a nice plan á la coach Sylvester to push the guy where she wanted him. Unfortunately, he was one of her boss's recommendations, so she just could not tell him straight to his face what an asshole he was. She needed that job. So she had swallowed her pride twice already and that meant a lot for Santana. Also it did not help the guy in getting a better foot on the ground with his trainer. The Latina had decided to plainly hate him.

"Imma gonna give this asshole a taste of his own food for bossing me around. His relation to my superior be damned!"

Rachel had to laugh at Santana's face when she delivered the last sentence. She looked so grim and determined that the brunette almost feared for the man's life. Once again she was glad she was on the receiving end of the Latina's friendship and not her anger. Smiling slightly, she focused back on her food, astonished that despite the circumstance she had managed to eat most of it.

"Dessert, anyone?" The waiter asked when he cleared their table a little later. They all nodded and a few moments later he returned with the menu. Rachel threw a quick look inside and spotted her favorite sweet dish.

"Can you order that one for me?" She asked Quinn aloud, tapping on the menu, hoping to be heard, "I have to use the bathroom."

Quinn nodded and looked after her girlfriend as she wove her way through the tables towards the bar only to then disappear into a small hallway to the right of it.

Kurt followed Quinn's gaze. "Is she ok? I would not have thought that this was so difficult for her."

Santana cut in. "I guess Rachel did not expect it to be so difficult either. Though it is hard to imagine what it must be like."

"Well, I had a small taste of it once." Quinn cut in. "And I have to say, I totally freaked out. And there were just the two of us having dinner at my apartment."

Remembering the story Rachel had told him on her first visit, Kurt asked: "Was that when you wore those earplugs?"

Quinn nodded and answered "Yes," thinking back to that evening, when she had invited Rachel for the first time. The way the realization had dawned on her during the course of the evening must be something that must have happened to Rachel in a similar way, every time she faced a new situation. Just because the accident had already happened some months ago did not mean that she had adjusted to all of its consequences. After all, it was a short time span measured on the impact it had on her life.

Quinn was not sure she would have gone through with it if she was in Rachel's place. She would not have gone through a lot of things that Rachel had faced so far.

She most definitely would have hit Santana senseless had she dragged her to the theater, and it did not matter if her girlfriend had been working there or not.

The Latina caught the blonde's gaze and raised an eyebrow. "What's eating you, Q?"

Quinn shook her head. "Just thinking that I probably would have killed you had you dragged _me_ to the theater instead of Rachel. I'm just trying to understand where Rachel got the courage and strength from to go through all this. I would not be able to do it, honestly."

Santana's gaze softened a bit, skipping over Quinn's first comment. "Quinn, Rachel doesn't have a choice. So what else can she do? If she decided to somehow live with this, she needs to go through all the experiences, one by one. Some will be good, some will be bad, but she'll learn from every one of them and she'll grow because of them."

Quinn sighed. "I know. I know all that. But I feel so helpless sometimes, so… I don't know. I just wish I could do something, anything to help her. I keep repeating myself here, I know, but these thoughts don't stop. And I feel like I'm not doing enough." She sounded a bit desperate. "I know I have said that before, but I can't stop this feeling!"

Kurt leaned forward a bit. "Quinn, how can you think that you are not doing enough? You're the reason why Rachel managed to pull herself out of her depressive state. You brought hope to her; hope to participate in life again after what she had lost. Why do you keep doubting yourself? And just as she has to come to terms with becoming deaf, you also have to come to terms with it. This is a process you have to go through as well. We _all_ still have to learn and adapt to it."

"We know you are trying to be strong and to protect her and that you are trying to hold a strong face," Santana added. "But you also need to ask for help once in a while, Quinn. Ask Rachel for help. Show her that you can also be weak. That she can be someone you can lean on."

Quinn swallowed. Funny that Santana said that. "I know. I told you about the situation in the subway after you guys visited my show right? I was so glad that she was with me. I would've screamed bloody murder had I been alone down there. But apparently she doesn't quite believe that I need her, that I need her strength as well as she needs mine."

Santana quickly touched Quinn's hand in a comforting gesture. "Tell her. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, Q. Tell her about your insecurities, your doubts. After all, that is what you told me as well, right?" She then asked with a raised eyebrow "To not hold back and hide behind my _tough outer veneer_ , I believe you called it."

Touché.

Quinn quickly lifted one corner of her mouth.

"Yeah, I know. It's just tough living up to one's own wise word," she then smiled. "Well, I have to use the restroom. Don't touch my desert should it be served before I'll be back!"

With a warning glance at her friends, Quinn got up and made her way towards the restrooms. She noticed a friend from Yale, sitting in the far corner having dinner with his wife and she waved quickly as a way of greeting, before disappearing around the corner of the bar.


	32. Chapter 32

**Glee disclaimer... as always...**

**Sole's stories: Thank you for letting me steal your Santana idea! And thank you for our continuous great discussions! :-)**

* * *

**Chapter 32**

As Rachel exited the ladies room, she almost ran into a tall figure that came out of the men's bathroom. She quickly stepped back and as the guy also sidestepped to avoid a collision with the petite woman, their eyes met. A wide smile spread across the man's face. Rachel slowly exhaled.

"Rachel! Good … you." Was all that Rachel was able to read from his lips, making a quick guess on the full sentence.

"Tom, nice to see you, too," she answered in the hopes of having gotten it right. Before he could continue though, she decided she needed to apologize to him for her hasty and a bit unfriendly brush off at the theater the other day.

"Tom, I … I am sorry I did not take the time to talk to you the other night. I…"

He waved her apology off in a friendly manner. "Oh, don't worry about it. I…." and the rest of the sentence was lost to her. She remembered that he had the tendency to talk a bit fast when he was engaged in a conversation and the lighting was also not at its best in the small corner they were standing in. This made it hard for her to read his lips.

"Tom. Stop please. Let me finish," she gently interrupted him. Collecting her courage, she then explained: "The reason why I did not want to talk to you that evening was that … I have lost my hearing some months ago in an accident. I guess that must sound strange especially after having seen me attending a musical, but… Anyway, to make a long story short, I had enough going on with just being back at a theater without being able to hear and I was not ready to talk to anyone besides my friend." Rachel noticed how she skirted around the word _deaf_. It still would not come across her lips easily.

She kept her eyes locked on Tom's handsome face to gauge his reaction, hoping that he would understand why she had acted that way. He seemed perplexed and clearly had to digest the words she had just told him.

"But… musical…. understand." He shook his head. Judging from the fragments of words that were readable from his lips, Rachel guessed that Tom was wondering how she could watch a musical when she had lost her hearing. He still appeared to be genuinely confused and a little shocked.

She reached out and placed a hand on his forearm. "Tom, maybe we should take a little time so I can explain. But I think here in front of the restrooms is not the best place," she smiled.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching and was relieved to notice that it was Quinn. Her girlfriend quickly sized up the guy next to her and asked with her hands:

_Are you ok?_

"Yes, I'm ... fine. Quinn, this is Tom, a colleague from the first musical I played in. I met him shortly when we visited you at the theater last Saturday. Tom, this is Quinn, my girlfriend." Another revelation the poor guy had to digest.

"She plays the part of Minette."

Quinn gracefully extended her hand and introduced herself. "Nice to meet you."

When it was Tom's turn, Quinn interpreted for Rachel.

"I'm Tom, nice to meet you. I really liked your performace in Bohemiens."

"Thank you." Quinn smiled modestly.

Tom's gaze skipped from Quinn's hands to Rachel and back.

"I … have to admit, I am a little shocked at what Rachel just told me. And I am ….um…" he let out a long breath, wiping his hand over his face. "I need a moment to digest this. Please excuse me." He looked at Quinn and shortly nodded at Rachel before he walked off in the direction of his table.

Rachel followed him with her eyes. "Uh, that went well," she then muttered under her breath.

_You ok_? Quinn wanted to know with a concerned look.

Rachel nodded. "Yeah. I'll go back to our table."

_I'm quickly going to use the restroom, ok?_ After quickly placing a kiss on her girlfriend's lip the blonde dashed off through the door with the lady's sign.

Rachel made her way back to their table. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed where Tom was sitting with another friend. He lifted his head she passed by, but did not say anything. As she sat down again Rachel found Kurt and Santana involved in an animated discussion. Rachel did not bother to ask what they were talking about, as her dessert was already waiting for her and she absolutely loved the vegan mousse au chocolate they served at this place. It deserved her total attention.

She was surprised when halfway through someone tapped her on the shoulder, which made her almost drop her spoon in the process. Quinn had come back in the meantime and was sitting with her back also to the direction the person was coming from so she had not been able to warn her girlfriend.

"Sorry," A guilty look crossed Tom's face as he apologized.

Rachel was surprised to see him. He held out a small piece of paper, which she cautiously took.

_I am sorry I reacted so insensibly. Do you think we could maybe meet with one of your friends who can translate at the bar for a drink later and you can explain to me what happened?_

Rachel quickly looked from the paper to Quinn and back to Tom. Then she nodded.

"Sure. In about half an hour? Would that be ok?"

He looked at his watch and nodded. Then he flinched slightly and looked over his shoulder as someone behind him had dropped a spoon and it clattered onto the plate and from there to the floor with a loud noise. Rachel followed his gaze, and then watched a slightly angry woman trying to rub a soup stain out of her husband's tie. At noticing that he had an audience the man quickyl pulled his tie out of his wife's grasp and smoothed it down over his shirt with his hands, looking a little embarrassed.

Rachel exchanged a quick look with Tom and both had to smile a bit at the scene.

Tom then pointed at the bar with his finger.

"Ok. See you there," Rachel smiled, hoping again that she had adjusted the volume of her voice right so he understood her.

Turning back to Quinn, she pushed the paper over so she could read it and asked almost shyly: "Would you come with me and help me interpret if it is not too much?"

"Sure, Rachel. You don't have to ask! It was nice of him to come back." Quinn answered and signed again at the same time.

"Who was that?" Kurt wanted to know. "He looks yummy, actually."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Kurt, get a grip on yourself, you're getting married soon!"

"So? Who says I can't at least look?"

"Oh that reminds me," Quinn quipped, "Kurt, have you already chosen your music?" the question earned her a soft kick in the calf from her beloved other half who sternly looked at her from the side. Quinn just turned and raised an eyebrow with a look that said, _don't worry, I got this._

Kurt smiled knowingly and looked at Rachel. "Yes I have. But it will stay a secret until the very day!" then he finger-spelled the word _s-e-c-r-e-t_ \- again in Rachel's direction.

_Jesus, Kurt, I got you the first time and I am not saying anything. Believe me. Even though my dearest girlfriend has already tortured me to squeeze the information out of me,_ Rachel signed back, slightly annoyed and threw a glance at Quinn with her last admission.

_Have not._ Quinn answered.

_You have too,_ Rachel insisted while Kurt translated for Santana.

"Ok, cut it out, you two! Kurt, I knew since I saw you the first time that your secret wedding song is Barry White, You're my first, My Last, My Everyone," Santana stated flatly with a roll of her eyes.

Kurt's jaw fell and Rachel had to bit her cheek in order to not laugh out loud while Quinn elbowed her in the ribs not very softly.

"Ouch, what was that for?" Rachel asked, trying to adjust her voice to the louder surroundings, as her hand was busy rubbing the sore spot.

"You lied to me! You blatantly lied to me!" Quinn was offended as she moved her hands through the air.

"When did I lie to you?" Rachel wanted to know, still covering her rib with one of her hands.

"On the subway! I suggested this song as one of my first, but you said no, I was way off!" Quinn huffed.

"What? You guessed it, too?" Kurt asked, bewildered.

Rachel felt a little guilty after Quinn's comment, and did not noticed Kurt's astonished exclamation. "I promised Kurt that I would not tell. What was I supposed to do?" She tried to explain her girlfriend.

Quinn was still a little offended. "Tell me and then pretend that you never said anything," she delivered signing and speaking again at the same time.

"But then I would have broken my promise!" Rachel exclaimed, letting go of her still smarting ribs.

"No no no, telling your girlfriend such utterly important news is not breaking a promise. It is an important necessity in life," Quinn answered, now having a smile playing around her lips. She rested her hands in her lap as Rachel just rolled her eyes at her indisputable logic.

Kurt waved his hands to get the two women's attention. When they looked at him he signed and hurtfully stated:

"Excuse me for cutting in, but this is about _my_ wedding. So I don't care who the hell told whom what or who didn't. If either of you three," and he looked each on in the eye, "tells anyone else about this, most of all Blaine, I will personally end your lives. Is that clear?" He looked again at the three women, then added, signing as well again:

"And Santana, I always admired your people-sense, but this is outright creepy. Don't ever go guessing anything about me again." He looked at Rachel and Quinn, pointing his index finger back and for the between them. "Why you also guessed this, is beyond me."

The Latina spread her arms. "Fine. Though your life would be so much easier if I told you a thing or two about yourself, Mr. Hummel."

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Rachel, just in case your girlfriend should deny helping you out with that nice looking fellow because you did not want to break your promise - which I greatly appreciate - I'd be happy to help out." Then he muttered under his breath. "Can't believe all of you guessed my go to wedding song. Can't believe I am _that_ predictable."

"Why don't we all move over to the bar? I could get out of this noise pit for a while and it might be at least a bit quieter at the bar." Santana suggested and threw a smirk in Kurt's direction, having heard what he had mumbled.

"Good idea." _You ok with relocating to the bar?_ Quinn asked Rachel in ASL.

_Sure._ Rachel agreed with her now free hands again.

They waved at one of the waiters, telling him that they would like re-locate to the bar so he could run the orders from there also on their tab.

_How do you want to do it? Shall I interpret or would you like Kurt to do it?_ Quinn asked before they rose.

"Hm." Rachel got up and answered signing: _Maybe I'll just ask Tom if he would be all right to write his part of the conversation down. Than I don't have to bother either of you._

_Rachel, this is no bother!_ Quinn answered vehemently, making her point while they walked down in the direction of the bar.

_Ok. I get it. But it is still hard for me to ask for help._ _It always costs me quite an effort to do so. And to accept it._ The petite woman _s_ igned back, not wanting to get into a verbal argument in the middle of the restaurant with others overhearing. Then again, their signing caught even more of the attention of some of the guests and Rachel hurried towards the bar.

They found a high table a little to the side where the room shaped into an L. This helped in regards to the noise, it was quieter in there.

Rachel could not remember how the acoustics there were, she had not been at the bar area before. "How is the noise level here? Is it better?" she asked Quinn in a low voice.

_Yes, you can at least hear what the other person is saying here. I don't know how the waiters can stand it all night long._

"Well, I guess since they are moving around it won't be as bad as being at one point all the time."

As Rachel sat with her back to the bar and the restaurant in her view, she noticed Tom's approach and smiled at him.

"Hi, Tom." Rachel quickly introduced him to the rest of her friends.

"Quinn, nice to see you again. I am sorry I reacted so gruffly when we met earlier. I was really impressed by your performance the other day, by the way."

Rachel noticed how Kurt hung on Tom's lips and was hardly able to sign while he and Quinn shortly exchanged pleasantries. She tapped him on the arm and signed as well.

_Kurt, focus!_

_I am! I am!_

_Right, on the abs he is hiding below his shirt or what? You just told me he had nice hips. Not sure if that was intended and I don't think Quinn complimented him on that._

Her friend looked a little embarrassed.

_No. Sorry. Anyway, he was commenting your girlfriend's performanc and asked her for her favorite scene. And she just answered him that she enjoyed the market scenes the most, because of the interaction between all the different characters._

"Thank you, Kurt."

This was one of the moments that Rachel hated. She did not want to have to ask her friends for help. Especially not if they had better things to do, like stare at other people and get a dreamy look on their faces. Besides, Kurt and Quinn had been interpreting for her the whole evening. She could not ask them to continue doing it and felt shy about it all of a sudden. Quinn seemed to notice the unease on Rachel's face as she turned her attention back to her girlfriend and made a suggestion.

_How about you and Tom take a quiet table and I'll join you in a while? This way, you two can talk in private first and maybe I can help out interpreting later if you need me at all. Would that be ok for you?_

Rachel smiled gratefully. _Yes. Good idea._ Then she turned to her other friends.

"If you will excuse us, Tom and I have some catching up to do." She hopped off the bar stool and settled with Tom on the table next to them.

"I hope this is ok for you. Quinn will join us in a little while to help interpret, but until then, maybe you can help me by either speaking clearly and not so fast, using short sentences or writing down what you want to say."

Tom nodded. "Can you read lips?" He then asked, looking at her directly, pointing towards his mouth while he posed the question.

Rachel nodded. "Yes. A little bit. I am still learning."

Tom studied her for a moment. "So what happened? I still don't understand and I have to wrap my mind around it."

Rachel felt the unease rise in her. She had understood the first part, but the second was lost to her. And she hated it if she had to ask for someone to repeat what they were saying. It made her feel stupid and awkward. She knew she should not feel like that, but she just could not help it.

"You asked what happened?" She clarified. When Tom inclined his head, she told him about the accident, the time afterwards and what her prognosis was.

He was clearly shocked. Tom took up a pen and let it hover over the paper for a moment.

Rachel was grateful that he considered to write his comments. This would make it easier to understand for her.

_Rachel, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't imagine you not being stage. I can't imagine you not being able to sing. I know I should not say that, but that's how I feel._

_What will you do now? Do you have any plans for the future? Well, maybe it is too early yet. And sorry for prying._

"It's ok. No, I have no concrete plans yet. I just wish…" she stopped herself, feeling self-conscious voicing her inner most dream to an almost stranger. Well, not a real stranger but someone she was not really close with.

He curiously looked at her. "What?" And the friendly and encouraging smile helped Rachel to push her thoughts out.

"I just wish I could still act, if not sing anymore. I'd love to stay in the business," she then shyly admitted and looked at her hands.

Tom contemplated this for a while. He could see the urge that lay behind the words, and knowing where Rachel was coming from, he could more than understand this wish. But he also saw the restrictions and boundaries that would make this a very tough road to travel for his ex-colleague. Not because of her own reasons, but because of the obstacles that the whole business world would throw into her path, just because most of them would probably not even consider her situation at least for a second. Simply speaking, it would just complicate things too much if people, be it directors, co-actors, producers, did not want to be bothered and did not see the benefit behind it.

God, he hated this. He hated that so often any piece of individuality was stripped away until you were fitted into someone's expectations. If you did not fit or did not want to be molded into the perfect image of someone elses idea, another actor or singer would certainly slip into the Cinderella shoe and somehow make it fit, no matter if it belonged to them or not.

He felt Rachel's hand on his forearm and the gentle touch pulled him back into reality.

"What's the long face for?" She inquired. "I know my wish is crazy. And I know it's not likely to ever turn it into reality. I know I had my voice as the ticket to Broadway, but I don't have _anything_ now."

_No, that's not what I was thinking. Just having some thoughts on the general business ethics._

"Hm. General business ethics? That doesn't sound enthusiastic. What do you do now? Are you working on _Bohemians_ as well?"

Again he wrote his answer down, understanding the difficulty of having to read a long explanation from his lips. _No. I am currently in between engagements. I got an offer for Bohemians. I heard the lead who plays Antoine might leave, but I don't feel like I want to be pressed into that schedule again. I have some ideas of my own. I'd like to push my own projects._

"Oh, that sounds interesting. Care to tell me what kind of ideas you have?" Rachel was curious as to how someone would deny the offer of a lead role in a play on Broadway, besides having the most gorgeous woman on earth playing the counterpart.

_Well, I'm just rolling some ideas around in my head. I've nothing concrete yet. But when they shape up, I'd like to run them by you, if you're willing to be my sparring partner. I have always liked your ideas in_ A tale to tell _on how to improve some of the scenes we were in together. Maybe you can help me out. If that's not too much to ask._

Tom turned the paper and closely watched Rachel as she read his words. It was clearly nothing she had expected and the astonished and surprised look on her face said as much.

He chuckled. "Surprised?" He then simply asked.

"Yeah, you could say that! Declining the lead role in a great play on Broadway, wow, these must be some big ideas you have to let you make such a decision." She paused for a moment and watched her ex-colleague nod. "But I would very much like to give you my opinion on your ideas, if you think I can be of help," she then offered with a genuine smile.

Tom's face lit up at her words. "Wow, thanks, that's great! Really, it means a lot to me! 'Cause I want someone who is fresh, who is not stuck in this business too long, someone who still knows a bit how things are done but who dares to look at things from a different angle…"

"Tom, please stop. Not so fast. You lost me way back there." Rachel interrupted him.

He took up the pen.

_Sorry. Hearing you answer me always tempts me to answer right back. It is hard to believe you cannot hear me if you keep speaking to me._

He then wrote down what he had told her before.

Rachel shortly contemplated his first sentence. Interesting. That was in a way what Sharon had accused her of. Apparently being able to speak, but not being able to hear did not seem to fit in people's minds. On one hand, she was lucky to still be able to articulate herself so well, but on the other hand it seemed to make it so much more difficult for people to understand that she could not hear. She focused back onto his second explanation and was genuinely pleased that he would like her opinion.

"Great, I am looking forward to hearing what you are planning!" She noticed him looking behind her and turned. Quinn came over and placed a hand on the small of her back before she spoke and signed at the same time.

"You two doing ok?"

Rachel nodded. "Can I tell her? About the role, I mean," she then asked Tom.

"Sure," he shrugged.

"Tell me what?" Quinn was curiously looking from Tom to Rachel.

"He might have become your new partner on stage. He had been offered the role of Antoine."

"Oh really? But why _might_?"

Tom decided to explain, and actually regretted that he had turned down the offer a little, now that he had gotten to know Quinn in person. He had seen pictures before and had also seen her perform on stage, but it was different seeing her up close and realizing that she was actually a very nice person.

While he spoke, he was fascinated with watching her transform his words into signs for Rachel.

Once Rachel signed back in what seemed like a question to clarify something. It was quite intriguing to watch how their hands moved through the air and how their different shapes and positions could deliver a complete conversation.

Still, he figured, Rachel must miss a lot of things. He tried to imagine how it must feel to be in this restaurant without hearing all the background noises and failed miserably.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Quinn waved her hand in front of him.

"Hey, where did we lose you to?"

Tom smiled apologetically. "Sorry, lost in thoughts."

"Yeah, I saw that," Quinn laughed. Then she turned towards Rachel. "You want something else to drink or are you ok if we get the check?"

"No, I am fine, you?" She looked at the other guy.

"No, I am good. I should probably head home too. Need to walk my dog. She is probably already waiting for me."

"Oh, you still got the Australian Shepherd? What was her name? Nellie?" He nodded and Rachel's smiled widened. "Aw, she is so cute and so beautiful, Quinn. All gray and white with really stunning light blue eyes. She's so shy, it took her a while to not be afraid of me. But after a while she trusted me and let me pet and cuddle her. Tom used to bring her to the theater sometimes. I sometimes wondered how she still had fur on her from all the stroking of all the other actors."

Quinn chuckled. "I wish I had a dog too. But it would not be fair to drag it all across town with my schedule," she sighed. "Anyway, I'll get the check. It was nice talking to you Tom, and if you change your mind about the role, you would be very welcome," she graciously offered with a dazzling smile. With a small kiss on Rachel's cheek, she got back to her friends to settle the tab.

_Wow, you are one lucky woman. Next time, tell me how you managed to snatch her off the market,_ Tom commented on the sheet.

Rachel laughed. "Oh god, that is a looooong story."

_Good, I like stories. Next time, you're on!_ And he playfully held the pen and paper up in a pose, ready to start taking notes.

"Hey, don't turn it into a musical, promise!" Rachel teased.

_Who knows, if it's a good story it might sell,_ he grinned and was rewarded with a small slap on his arm for that comment.

"Creep. Don't even think about it. See that Latina behind us?

_The one that is looking over with that look on her face who was with you at the theater the other night? She your bodyguard or something?_ He joked.

"Ha! That's a good one! Anyway, she _is_ kind of protective of me, so is Quinn, so you better watch it!" Rachel answered, still smiling.

Tom looked at her speculatively. _And why would that be? Any particular reason or just because of what happened to you?_

Rachel sobered. "Uh, well, maybe a bit of both." She did not want to tell him about Sharon, not wanting to give that woman any more airtime in her life. Though she wondered if they were going to see any more pictures of themselves online the next day. Noticing her friends were getting the waiter to grab their jackets, she slowly slipped off the bar stool and stood next to the table with one hand lightly resting on the surface.

"Tom, it was nice seeing you again. And thank you for finding the courage to come back." She smiled.

The handsome guy bent down and gave her a light hug.

"Thank you for letting me know about what made you react that way on Saturday. Let us keep in touch, ok?"

Kurt had stepped up with Rachel's coat and noticed Rachel's questioning expression. He quickly signed Tom's answer, earning himself a small thanks and a grateful look from his friend. She wished she was better at reading lips that at least such small exchanges would not have to be translated for her.

"Wait, I'll give you my e-mail address so we can stay in contact." Tom quickly scribbled it on a napkin and handed it to Rachel. "Have a nice evening!"

"See you," Rachel answered and followed her friends, who had pointed towards the door and had already started making their way towards the exit.

Rachel hurried after them, when someone pulled at her coat as she passed a table.

She stopped and looked around. It was another of her former cast members from _Funny Girl._ Rachel froze, quickly looking how far her friends were. Quinn turned shortly before the door to check where her girlfriend was. Seeing her in the somewhat compromising situation made her turn around and come back. Seeing her standing beside another table with someone apparently trying to engage her into a conversation, made her turn around and come back.

Noticing her approach, Rachel let out a relieved sigh and turned towards the other woman at the table, who had stood up already.

"Hi Anna, how are you? Good to see you," she quickly mustered with a smile as she hugged her, noticing the curious look from the man that sat with her at the table.

Anna pulled back and let her look wander between Rachel and Quinn. Resting her eyes on Rachel, she said something and Quinn waited until she saw Rachel silently asking for a translation before she interpreted the words.

"Rachel, good to see you. I … noticed you before, sitting on the other table. I … um, am just glad to see you again! I heard about your accident and I was wondering… well, maybe you'd like to meet so we could talk a little more in private." She sensed that Rachel was not comfortable standing in the middle of the restaurant, being exposed to the rest of the tenants.

Rachel nodded. "Sorry I have been so reclusive over the past few months. But as you can guess it has not been really easy for me. But I promise I will write to you." She sent a genuine smile at her former co-star.

"That would be nice. It was good seeing you gain, Rachel. I really mean it." And she bent forward to give Rachel another hug before the petite woman waved and moved away.

Outside, she let out a long breath. Then she tugged at Quinn's sleeve. "Thank you for coming back. I had no idea how to react, standing there in the middle of the restaurant."

Quinn slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her girlfriend close, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Kurt turned to her smiling. _So, how did you survive the evening?_ He asked her silently _._

"Ok, I guess. It was harder than I thought, but still, I got to meet two old colleagues and that turned out to be quite nice, besides having a nice evening with you three." She glanced around. "Thank you for doing this and sacrificing your evening for me."

"Come on, Berry, that is what friends are for! Besides, enjoying nice food while spending an evening with friends is hardly a sacrifice," Santana retorted.

"Right," Kurt agreed. "Well ladies, let's get us all home."

They hugged Kurt goodbye, who had a slightly thoughtful expression on his face. He hailed the first cab that passed, offering it to the ladies. But they waved him off, opting to take the next one.

"Can't have you standing all by yourself on the street, Kurt. Wouldn't feel right us being three and you are all by yourself," Rachel teased.

Kurt quickly raised his hands to sign and called back:

"Well, as they say, "ladies first"!" And he slid into the car. Rachel and Quinn's laughter followed him while he only heard a snort from Santana.

When the next yellow taxi stopped, Santana courteously held the door for her friends. "Well, if the lady already left, then it leaves us being the gentlemen, I guess." And she waved Quinn and Rachel inside, scooting in last.

During the drive home Santana pulled out her phone and checked her messages.

"Fuck," she groaned. "Of course that creep had to schedule another lesson tomorrow morning."

She watched Quinn interpret, then she looked at Rachel who sat in the middle.

"Did she also translate "fuck"? The Latina then asked curiously.

Rachel managed to read the last two words from her lips despite the dim light and laughed. "Yes, she did, Santana."

"Cool." That also did not need a translation.

"Why?"

"It would be so cool if I could swear at that stupid asshole and he had no idea of what I was saying to him," she explained, refering to her client they had discussed over dinner, who had asked for an extra training hour very early the next day. She waited until Quinn had translated that and when she showed Rachel the text message she had received, the petite woman understood the comment.

Santana typed some words into her phone. Quinn looked over the brunette's shoulder to read what her friend had written.

_Rachel, you've got to teach me sign language, at least the swear words, please!_

Rachel chuckled. "Oh, just so you can insult other people without them knowing? Where's the fun in that?"

Santana looked sheepishly at her and typed her respons eagain.

_Well, no, not just because of that. It would be kinda nice to talk to you without having someone to interpret all the time,_ she admitted.  
 _Though the other reason is of course not less important!_

"Of course not!" Rachel stated with a smirk, but was secretly pleased about Santana's willingness to learn sign language. They agreed to find a regular schedule that would fit Santana's busy working hours.

Quinn suggested she contacted Carmen as well, but Santana preferred to learn the basics from Rachel first.

Whichever way, the blond was glad that her friend had decided to learn to sign in order to communicate better and more directly with Rachel. Quinn knew that the original motivation - to learn swear words - was just typical Santana fashion, not wanting to come across as too soft and show directly how much she cared about Rachel and their friendship.

... ... ...

At home, all three women got ready for bed quickly.

Quinn lay facing Rachel and gazed into her beautiful, large brown eyes. Before she could say anything, Rachel spoke softly.

"What is on your mind?"

Slowly Quinn lifted her hands.

_I just wanted to know how you are feeling. I know I keep asking that a lot lately, but I was really short of taking you home today when I noticed you panicking at the restaurant. I wish I could make all of this easier for you. I feel so useless sometimes. I feel like I am not doing enough, I am not supporting you enough, I am not protecting you enough, I am not…"_ despite herself she felt tears trailing down her face. _"I always feel like I fail you in these situations,"_ she managed before Rachel gently placed two fingers on Quinn's lips in a symbolic gesture to still the stream of words she was forming with her hands.

"It's ok, Quinn, shhhh. Come here," and she pulled her girlfriend closer to wrap her arms around her in a protective embrace. Rachel had not realized under how much pressure Quinn put herself just to accommodate her, to try and make her feel comfortable in all these situations.

"Don't do this to yourself, Quinn. Please stop this. Don't ever – _ever_ – doubt yourself. Don't ever think that you are not supporting me enough or that you are failing me! I don't know where that thought comes from." She felt Quinn press herself harder into her embrace.

Then it dawned on Rachel that the whole situation with her being deaf must have taken a greater toll on Quinn than she had originally thought. They had talked about how it had influenced her in several aspects before. Just as Rachel had to go through the whole process and experiences, Quinn had to do the same, even though she experienced it from a different angle. But Rachel had thought that by now, it would have become much easier for Quinn. She was surprised that apparently her girlfriend had to learn to deal with these situations just as much as she had to and nothing was less important or less difficult to go through for Quinn.

"Quinn, I am sorry that I underestimated how much this also costs you to go through with me. I guess I didn't realize that even though I'm the one who can't hear, it still affects you to a great extent as well."

_I just wish, I wished… if I could, I would give you my hearing. I really would!_ Quinn answered with emphasis before she leaned into Rachel again.

The petite woman raked her fingers through the blond locks, letting the words sink in. Softly she asked: "Do you _still_ feel guilty?"

First, there was no reaction. Quinn had buried her head at Rachel's chest, pressing her hot, wet face against the soft fabric of her girlfriend's pajama top. Then the brunette felt her head nod against her body.

Softly Rachel pulled Quinn's head back to look her in the eyes. "Why Quinn? Why on god's earth do you feel guilty for being able to hear? I told you before that this is not helping either of us. Remember? After we danced to that German song I showed you." Quinn moved her head slowly up and down. Of course she remembered. When Rachel found the hazel eyes again, she added "You did not cause my accident; neither did you cause all these things I am going through!"

_But I did! Because of me, you landed in that stupid subway._ _Because of me, Santana dragged you into the theater. Because of me …_

"Quinn, stop it now!" Rachel demanded adamantly. "What makes you believe that, honey? Please don't think you're still that person you were in high school, causing all these unpleasant situations for me. You are not that Quinn anymore!"

_But I still feel like that sometimes. I see you suffer and somehow I think it's because of me._

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again. It astonished and hurt her to see how much Quinn was still hurting from her own behaviour in the past. It wasn't just that Quinn felt guilty for still being able to hear. The whole guilt feeling also tied back to the time in high school and at that moment Rachel understood.

Quinn just felt the same, because again she was in a more favorable situation compared to Rachel. Had she been the Queen Bee at McKinley, admired by everyone, always the center of attention, Rachel had been the outcast, often made fun of and had been the Slushie target more than she could count. And again now Quinn had everything. While she was the star on Broadway living a dream life, Rachel had to give up everything she once loved, being the outcast again after having fought so hard for her dream to come true.

Rachel closed her eyes as this realization hit her and whispered "Oh my god." She pressed Quinn against her and held her for a long moment. "Quinn, don't hate the person you have become now. I have told you before, that is not who I see when I look at you. Please, don't see yourself that way either, Quinn."

Rachel gently placed a kiss on the top of Quinn's head and then looked at her. When she noticed that her words had not quite convinced her, she tried to explain it in a different way while Quinn pressed her face again against Rachel's chest for comfort once more.

"Just because I have to face all these situations that are so hard to go through for me, does not mean that you have to feel guilty for being one of those people who can still go through life normally. And please stop comparing our situation now to the one at high school, …" at that Quinn's head jerked up. Rachel seemed to have struck a chord and she continued talking. "…it will not help me getting my hearing back. But you being there in those situations, supporting me, loving me and accepting me and my limitations helps me immensely, Quinn."

Rachel searched her lover's face before she continued softly:

"I'm sorry if I haven't told you more often how much you mean to me, how much your support means to me, how much it helps me to get through each day. Every time I feel like I get jitters when I'm thinking about facing a new situation, it helps to know that I am not alone. That there is always someone who stands by me and who I can talk to. I know I am rambling, but I have not finished," Rachel stated and felt a small chuckle against her body from Quinn.

_There comes the old Rachel_ , Quinn smiled bravely. _I missed her a bit, I have to say,_ she then added.

Rachel emitted a small laugh, but did not let herself be deterred from what she wanted to say.

"I'm sorry for not realizing how much all this must cost you. It must drain you almost as much as it drains me. But please don't suck it all up. Talk to me. Tell me. Let me know how you feel, even if you think it might hurt me. But I don't want you to suffer in silence on my behalf. This is not your burden to carry. Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear."

She placed a tender kiss on Quinn's lips, wiping the teas away that had begun to fall again.

"Promise me to talk about this in the future right away? Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride?" Rachel asked with an intense look in her eyes.

The blonde had no choice other than to meet her gaze. She felt all the care and earnestness behind Rachel's words.

Quinn had indeed felt guilty. She did not know how to voice that feeling, but Rachel had given it the appropriate name.

The blonde woman felt very guilty to still be able to hear, to do her job and to enjoy her life, while the most basic things had become an obstacle for Rachel. There were so many situations she had to learn to deal with in a different way.

Loving someone as much as she loved Rachel made it hard to having to watch her struggle, not being able to do anything to help. At least it felt that way.

But hearing that whatever she was doing did help Rachel relieved Quinn immensely. It did not completely lift the guilt factor. Maybe that would happen over time, but at least it made it a bit easier to carry.

She bravely managed a shaky smile and nodded against Rachel's hands that still cupped her face.

"Ok. I'll try," she sniffed, easing herself into the embrace again, feeling secure and loved with Rachel's arms around her. Snuggling closer, she pressed one side of her face against Rachel's chest and succumbed to the soothing strokes of her lover's hands on her back, giving in to the waves of sleep that washed over her.

Her last thought was that it was funny how they so often seemed to reverse their roles. It was Rachel who had needed some comforting and support the other night, now it was her who drew strength and comfort from her girlfriend.

It was a perfect balance, Quinn realized as she drifted off.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glee disclaimer, as always.
> 
> Many thanks to my beta-reader Nicole! Check out her story For Always!
> 
> I know I am taking a leeway here with my actors' performance schedules. Forgive me for not keeping them in a straight eight-shows-a-week "corset". That would make it really difficult for them to actually have the interaction they have in this story.

* * *

**Chapter 33**

Interestingly enough, over the next days there was no news about Quinn or Rachel in the tabloids. The brunette knew Quinn was wondering what Sharon Basont might be cooking up behind their backs as she found it weird to see no reaction from her on their dinner. Rachel just stuck to the saying "no news is good news" as she had more pressing things to worry about.

As Christmas drew nearer, she mused over what present to buy for Quinn. She wanted it to be something very personal, something special and meaningful. Most of the ideas she came up with, she discarded immediately as too mainstream, too boring and non-descriptive. It needed to be unique, showing how much she loved Quinn.

There was one idea rummaging around her brain. It had not taken shape yet, but it kept buzzing around like a fly. But after receiving the news that there was no healing progress from her specialist some weeks ago, she better tackled this idea sooner than later as the longer she waited the probability it would turn out good would lessen. Maybe she could discuss it with Kurt.

She and Kurt had planned to meet again the upcoming Sunday evening. Quinn had an extra evening show, Blaine would probably be at the theater and Kurt's play had a matinee show scheduled. So he was free later that day.

On Saturday, Rachel and Kurt quickly exchanged text messages to agree on the time and location.

When Sunday came around, Rachel was bundled up in a thick dark purple wool coat over her jeans and black turtleneck, heavy, warm biker-style boots and a knitted bonnet. Wrapping a woolen scarf around her neck, she was ready to brace the cold New Yorker December evening. The clouds were heavy and dark gray. A nasty wind chased them across the sky and Rachel hoped that it would not start snowing yet.

Then again she loved snow; it gave everything such a beautiful atmosphere when it was fresh and untouched in its white fluffy state. She had always loved to be the first one out after it had snowed through the night. The soft scrunching sound of her shoes on the white cover had always been her favorite part of winter. She hoped to get Quinn for an early morning walk through the park once the first flakes had drifted to the ground.

Checking her bag to make sure she had everything, she pulled the apartment door close behind her, locked it and quickly walked down the stairs.

Her stomach churned when she was about to enter the nearest subway station. It was the first time she had decided to use the train again. All other times she had preferred a cab whenever she was traveling between her and Quinn's place. However, that had to stop if she did not want to spend all her money on the yellow cars. Besides, how likely was it that the situation she had been through with Quinn would happen again while she was on the train?

So she kept placing one foot in front of the other until she stood on the platform and bravely stepped through the doors as the subway arrived.

After having found a seat, she quickly texted Kurt hoping her messages would get though. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not when sitting in the subway. Just like they had had no reception when they had been stuck in that tunnel.

_Dear Mr. Hummel Jr., I will grace you with my wonderful presence_   
_in about half an hour. I hope the red carpet is rolled out and the_   
_champagne is waiting._   
_Yours, Rachel Berry_

Rachel willed the message to got through and had no time to drop her phone into her bag because luckily an answer came back quickly.

_Dear Ms Berry, it will be an honor to receive you in my_   
_humble quarters. My butler will await you with your requested_   
_champagne. I sincerely hope you are dressed the part._   
_Otherwise I must refuse entrance._   
_K.H. Jr._

Rachel looked down on herself and contemplated her choice of clothing. Well, on a real red carpet event she would not even be allowed to enter the limo. She chuckled and sent a retort back.

_Kind sir, it is good to know you explicitly wrote "casual"_   
_as dress code on the invitation. So, yes, I will meet your_   
_requirements!_

The phone lit up almost immediately with Kurt's retort.

_Damn! Gotta go and re-dress._   
_Just a short tip: Always read your own invitations again_   
_before the start of an event…_   
_Shoot, what to wear, what to wear…?_

Rachel had to laugh. She could imagine Kurt standing in front of his wardrobe with a slightly panicky look on his face, trying to pick out the best outfit for the occasion.

_Oh, wow Kurt, you call our 'date' an event?  
That sounds exciting. What have you planned?_

Curious she waited for an answer.

_We had a little wine tasting at Vogue the other day._   
_Thought we might also try some… see you in a couple of minutes._   
_Really, I have to get dressed. Again…._

Rachel chuckled.

_My god Kurt, don't tell me you are sitting there texting me  
all naked. Don't know if I should be offended or delighted._

_Ms Berry, get a grip on yourself. I am neither naked nor do_  
 _I plan to be. At least not when you're around._  
  
A wide grin spread across Rachel's face as she typed her response.

_Oh, so we will not play strip poker, I take it. Too bad. 'Cause_   
_I remember last time we played, I literally stripped you to the_   
_bone, haha!_

Kurt's answer to that was not very courteous.

_Shut up. And get here._

Rachel could not stop laughing, not caring about curious looks the other passengers were throwing her.

Before her accident, she had met with Kurt one evening and he had taught her how to play poker. She did not know if it was beginners luck or if she had a talent for the game, however, before the end of the evening, Kurt was sitting at the kitchen table with his boxers and just one sock, while Rachel still wore most of her clothes.

The result had not gone down well with Kurt and he absolutely hated to be reminded of it.

Finally knocking on the door, she wondered briefly what her friend was going to wear. The heavy sliding door was pushed open and it revealed a smiling Kurt, holding a small silver tray with two tall and slender glasses filled with a golden colored liquid.

"Mmm, I missed the red carpet, but at least the champagne is here," Rachel smiled and took in Kurt's outfit. He wore a pair of black jeans and a dark gray sweater on which he had pinned six playing cards down the front, three in one row on the left and three in another row on the right side.

"Oh my god. Just to let you know, if we should play strip poker, these playing cards on your sweater don't count as extra clothes! And no cheating with them either!"

Kurt raised his hands to answer after having deposited the tray on a small table next to the door.

_My house, my rules. But no, I am not planning on playing poker with you. Ever. Again. Hello Rachel, nice to see you!_

And he gave the petite woman a hearty hug which she answered by slinging her arms around his back, pressing him against her.

"Hi Kurt, so happy to see you!"

They both stepped inside and Rachel pulled the door close behind her. Just like last time, the apartment was brightly lit. Kurt picked up the tray and hurried over to the stove where something was cooking. Placing the tray on the kitchen table, he turned towards the food.

_Sorry, got to check the pasta. Make yourself comfortable, we'll toast in a second,_ he told Rachel.

The brunette ambled over to the kitchen table, draped her coat over the back of one of the chairs and then sneaked a peek at the pots.

"Hmmmm, smells good." She stated after having inspected the sauce that simmered in the back. "What's in there?"

_Tomatoes, basil, rosemary, olives and some garlic. Just a tiny bit, though._ Kurt turned around and plucked the two glasses from the table and handed one to Rachel.

"To us!" He toasted without signing, as he held a glass in one hand, but Rachel understood the two words just fine by having read his lips.

"To our friendship," she added and clinked her glass against his. They both took a sip and Kurt turned back to their dinner, placing the glass next to the stove. Rachel watched him and noticed how he tapped his foot in a certain rhythm.

She looked around and saw that the stereo on the shelf was turned on. She walked over and took the CD case that lay on top of it. Lindsay Sterling was the name she read on the cover and it showed a girl with a violin. Classic music? Turning it around, she read the titles, but none of them sounded like the classic pieces she knew.

Then she remembered that Kurt had showed her some of her music before. It was kind of a classic cross over, the tracks were a mixture of classical, pop, hip-hop, dance, trance and rock with electronic influences. She had liked it. It was something new and different.

"Are you listening to this?" Rachel asked, waving the case in Kurt's direction.

He looked over. Seeing what she held in her hands, he nodded. Rachel placed the case back on the stereo. Half turning to go back to the kitchen area, her eyes caught onto the CD pile that lay next to the stereo. She stopped in her tracks. It was a natural impulse to just reach over and sift through the music, thinking about what would be nice to listen to during dinner. It surprised her that she still had this kind of automatic notions even after so many months. She released a breath she had not noticed she was holding.

Looking up, she saw Kurt wander over. Standing next to her, he then bent over and switched off the stereo.

"What did you do that for?" Rachel eyed him curiously. "It's not like I can complain about the music. And I don't mind you listening to it."

He shrugged and smiled. _Same rules for everyone. And can I please ask you to step away and keep your distance from my good old music machine and shiny discs?_

"What?! You are still not letting anyone touch your stereo and CD collection? Come on Kurt, this thing is ancient and CDs are actually almost unbreakable. Besides, I have lived practically right _next_ to that old thing for years!"

Rachel rolled her eyes at him. He had had this stereo for years, it was really old, but apparently it held a great sentimental value for him to be so picky about it. Not many people were allowed to touch it. He also had his extensive music collection sorted in a strange Kurt-ish order that no one could follow and he had always been adament that nobody disturbed that. But the pile Rachel had looked at was a random mix of CDs that he apparently had listened to recently and they were not even sorted like the rest of his collection.

A mischievous grin played on her lips. From where she stood, she could reach some of the slim plastic boxes that _were_ sorted and correctly lined up on the shelf on the other side of the stereo. Teasingly, she stretched out her hand and let her fingers wander over the slender backs of the cases, not taking her eyes off Kurt to watch his reaction, which came promptly.

_You haven't learned in all these years, have you Rachel?_

"Not sure what you are talking about," she stated, faking innocence with a slight smile.

_Yes you do and if you want to survive this evening, you better take your little hands off my life's music collection and move to safer ground. Say, the kitchen. Set the table. Do something useful._

Rachel could not bring herself to move. She had no idea what possessed her to tease her friend with this. Especially with his music. _Music_ ; a concept that had eluded her for the past seven months. Well, not completely. She remembered the exchanges she had with Quinn. And her visit to her performance. And Quinn singing to her afterwards. So even though she could not hear it anymore, what was it that still captured her?

Kurt stepped a little closer, ready to lift his friend off her feet and carry her away from the danger zone, she could read it on his face. Without looking and with lightning speed, she snatched the CD her fingers had just wandered over, ducked under Kurt's arm that tried to hold her and sprinted towards the kitchen table, squealing. She managed to bring the object as a barrier between herself and her friend, tauntingly waving the CD.

_You are so dead, my dear_. Kurt signed and made a movement with his flat hand across his neck for emphasis.

"Well, first you have to get me," Rachel shot back with a laugh and ran two steps around the table when Kurt tried to reach her. They chased each other back and forth for a while until Kurt jumped onto the table surface all of a sudden and into Rachel's path just as she wanted to take off again.

He grabbed her in a tight hug and wrestled the CD out of her hand while she tried to fight him. Though she gave up after a while, because she had to laugh and when Kurt had placed the CD safely on the table, he started tickling her as punishment. Rachel laughed even harder, while trying to make some purchase and get her hands on her friend to treat him with some of his own. However, in between warding off the offending hands, laughing so hard and trying to wiggle away, she had no chance. Finally she let herself fall on the floor in the hopes of escaping Kurt's wiggling fingers. He dropped down opposite her, pulling his hands back into his lap, also laughing.

Rachel tried to catch her breath and wiped some strands of her hair out of her face. Panting, she stated:

"Oh my god, oh my god, I don't know when was the last time I laughed so much." Bending over, she held her stomach and had another laughing fit, in which Kurt joined her after listening to her contagious laughter for a short moment. In between gasps she tried to tell him:

"You… should have… seen your… face, when … I grabbed that CD. It was priceless," and her composure was gone again.

She barely managed to read the signs that Kurt threw her way, who was also still laughing.

_Yours was not better when I jumped from the table._

They kept going until the water of the pasta boiling over set an abrupt end to their glee as Kurt jumped up at the noise and pulled the pot away from the stove. Rachel also managed to lift herself off the floor and check the damage. The sauce was still ok and the pasta was done, so Kurt poured them into a sieve.

She twirled around and collected plates, forks and spoon and some napkins to place them on the table, while Kurt gave the finishing touches to the sauce. It smelled enticing, and Rachel was a little hungry.

Waiting for Kurt to place the food on the table, her gaze fell on the CD that still lay where Kurt had placed it. Only then did she notice that it was not an original one, but a collection of different songs that Kurt had apparently burned onto the CD. The cover seemed to be made out of small pictures that held the title and the cover of the original CD the song came from.

Looking at the list, she let out an involuntary: "Oh my god!"

Kurt placed the pasta dish on the table and looked over Rachel's shoulder, smiling wistfully.

Turning, the small brunette looked at him. "These are all the songs we sang at our competitions!"

He nodded. _Yes_.

He seemed to want to say something else but then he just shook his head.

Rachel narrowed her eyes and studied him. "What? You wanted to say something. Come on, let it out."

_These are not the original band songs. This is… us. The Glee Club,_ he then explained.

Rachel looked at the CD in her hand. "No way! Really? This is us? All of the songs?" She had an incredulous look on her face as she searched his eyes.

_It's true. I recorded almost everything. I never told anyone, don't know why. I just wanted it as a reminder of the time we spent and all the great things we achieved together. And when I installed my little amateur studio –_ with that he motioned his head towards Rachel's old bedroom, _\- I enhanced the quality a bit._

He paused for a moment. Then added: _We were really good._

Rachel dropped her eyes from his face onto the CD she still held in her hands. "Yes, we were," she then whispered.

She held her past in her hands, a past where she still had had dreams and had been convinced to fulfill them.

Not wanting the mood to change, she smiled bravely, handing the CD back to its rightful owner.

"Well, if you like you can put it on." She lifted her brown eyes and looked at Kurt.

He raised an eyebrow and then asked: _There are a lot of Journey songs on. Are you up for that?_ he asked with a disarming grin.

"Uh, I remember. Well, yeah, put them on." She chuckled and added still laughing a bit: "I'll just pretend I don't hear them. Then you have to suffer alone."

Kurt snorted. _Gee, thanks. Good to have such nice friends to let me go through this by myself._

Rachel patted him on the shoulder encouragingly. "You'll manage."

While they were enjoying their dinner and sipping the rest of the champagne – they had not gotten to taste one of the other wines Kurt had mentioned before yet - Rachel wanted to know how it was for Kurt to hear them all sing.

He put his fork down and though for a moment, while Rachel watched him curiously.

It was interesting to see how his face displayed so many different emotions and feelings when trying to answer this question.

_I switch between listening to it as just a normal CD and then again I dive right back into the whole Glee feeling, noticing the different voices, seeing our friends' faces in front of me. It sometimes pulls me right back to that time in high school. I am always amazed how good we were,_ he repeated his earlier words.

"Which song is playing now?"

Kurt looked up from his plate hesitating a moment before answering _._

_One of our not officially sung duets,_ Kurt answered pointing to himself and Rachel.

The brunette was surprised. "Really? You taped those, too?"

_Yes._ _I guess I was a song stalker,_ he joked, which made Rachel smile.

Kurt knew that this was not a very honest thing he had done, taping people without asking for their permission. But now he was so damn glad he had done it.

He watched Rachel chewed her lower lip before she found the courage to posed the next question.

"Which one? _Happy Days_ or one of our _Wicked_ duets?"

_Wicked. The one we sang in New York. 'For good.'_

"Oh." She looked at her plate, then back at Kurt. "How does it sound?"

Kurt was a little suprised by the question, but answered honestly.

_It has a little echo because of the large stage and when you were moving up the stairs, away from me, your voice gets a bit faint, but other than that, it sounds … perfect.  
_ He smiled. _We would have made a great Glinda and Elphaba._

Rachel chuckled at the thought of Kurt dressed up as Glinda and agreed. "Yes, we would have."

Then she watched Kurt close his eyes and move his mouth, apparently singing a part of the song that played on the CD. She watched his lips closely and was delighted when she was able to identify the passage that he was reciting. From there, it was not difficult to follow. She knew the lyrics by heart.

…

_Well, I don't know if I believe that's true_   
_But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you_   
_Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun_   
_Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood_   
_Who can say if I've been changed for the better_   
_Because I knew you, I have been changed for good_

He opened his eyes again at the last line and looked at Rachel with a challenging look, while he kept on singing. Somehow he managed to sign, while he still followed the music:

_Your part is up,_ again throwing her a challenging look with a raised eyebrow.

But Rachel only shook her head and lowered her gaze. She held on to the seat of her chair with both hands, gripping it so hard that her knuckles went white. She was biting her tongue in order not to burst out with the words of a song that she knew by heart. The lyrics danced in her chest like wild horses wanting to be freed, to race up and out over her lips. It was hard to keep a rein on them.

Looking up from under her lashes, she focused on Kurt's lips that still formed the words of the song, having moved on to Elphaba's - _her_ \- part.

…

_Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood_   
_Who can say if I've been changed for the better_   
_But because I knew you_

She wanted to look away, but she just could not. Rachel was so caught in the moment; her eyes followed every movement of Kurt's lips, unconsciously and soundlessly forming the words with him. Kurt held her gaze every time Rachel looked up from his mouth and he kept singing, facing his friend so she could fully see his face.

Kurt watched Rachel's lips twitch until she finally started to form the full words, though he could not hear her utter a sound. He kept singing, wishing the song would last forever, until he could coax out at least one line from her. One little line was all he wanted. He was convinced she could do it. He was sure that if she just followed her heart and left her mind aside, she could do this. So he kept singing.

Spying the remote for the stereo on the table out of the corner of his eye, he reached over slowly, without looking away from Rachel, found the repeat button and pressed it to fix the song in an endless loop.

Rachel was not sure what kept her mesmerized in this situation. But she still could not take her eyes off Kurt and the words were running wild in her mind. She felt her own lips moving all of a sudden and abruptly stopped.

Oh my god.

Hopefully she had not tried to sing.

She tried to remember. No, she had not felt any vibrations in her throat, so with a sigh of relief she noted that she had apparently only moved her lips; which by itself seemed weird considering the whole situation. She waited for the familiar pang to hit her chest, but to her own surprise, it did not come. Instead she was so caught up in the moment again that she did not want to think any further. She just wanted let herself be carried away – wherever to.

Focusing back on her friend, she saw him close his eyes again and sing what seemed to be the last lines of the song, fully immersed into the music, his head slightly tilted up.

When the final word left his lips, he slowly lowered his head and opened his eyes again.

But instead of breaking the moment, smiling he just looked at her and started to sing anew.

Rachel though it was a different track at first, until she noticed that he was singing the same song again, starting with Elphaba's part, which actually would have been fitting for her to sing, considering the lyrics.

**(Elphaba)**

_I'm limited_   
_Just look at me_   
_I'm limited, and just look at you_   
_You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda_   
_So now it's up to you for both of us_   
_Now it's up to you_

When it came to Glinda's part, Rachel still hung on Kurt's lips, hearing his voice in her mind.

**(Glinda)**

_I've heard it said_   
_That people come into our lives for a reason_   
_Bringing something we must learn,_   
_And we are led to those who help us most grow_   
_If we let them and we help them in return_   
_Well, I don't know if I believe that's true_   
_But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you_

Again Rachel started to mouth the lyrics with her friend, unconsciously at first.

_Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun_   
_Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood_   
_Who can say if I've been changed for the better_   
_Because I knew you, I have been changed for good_

But when she noticed this time what she was doing, she did not stop and when her part came up, she consciously lip synched herself and pretended to sing the duet with Kurt, which drew a genuine smile from him. He stood and reached out a hand to pull Rachel up from her chair. Even though they started to move around the kitchen a little with their performance, he paid special attention that Rachel would never lose sight of his lips. Though somehow it did not seem really necessary. She seemed to be following an inner rhythm that was in tune with the song. Rachel must still have the whole song stored in her memory with all the details, Kurt thought.

When the song started for the third time, he squeezed her hand, mouthed the first line of her first stanza and then pointed at her to take over. And Rachel continued to move her lips in tune with the music that played in the background.

They let themselves be carried away, diving into their characters, purely enjoying their little show. Rachel felt a joy rise in her chest that brought a huge smile to her face. Even though she was not really singing, it was still close, knowing that her voice was playing in the background. It was almost perfect.

Later she had no idea how it had happened. Maybe it was the alcohol that had boosted her courage a bit, maybe it was because she let herself sink so deep into the whole emotion and experience, but when the third stanza was up, she stopped moving while replaying the sentence -

_I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend_

\- in her mind. Then she closed her eyes, saw herself with Kurt in New York on the original stage and felt the vibrations in her throat accompany the words she formed with her lips.

_Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea_   
_Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood_   
_Who can say if I've been changed for the better_   
_But because I knew you_

At the last sentence she opened her eyes and found Kurt staring at her while he sang his line.

**(Glinda)**

_Because I knew you_

And before she knew it, she also joined him in the next line that they were supposed to sing together.

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_I have been changed for good_

She fell quiet again after that, resigning to just moving her lips again, when Kurt looked at her sternly and made a simple sign with his most encouraging smile and a little wave with his other free hand.

_Sing!_

So when another line that they were supposed to sing together came up, she dared to raise her voice again. Surely she was not singing like she used to, belting out the songs with confidence, but she did sing. The lower volumen compared to her usual singing voice did not take away any of the momentum for the two friends as they finished the song together.

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_And none of it seems to matter anymore_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Like a comet pulled from orbit (Like a ship blown from its mooring)_   
_As it passes a sun (By a wind off the sea)_   
_Like a stream that meets a boulder (Like a seed dropped by a bird)_   
_Halfway through the wood (In the wood)_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
I do believe I have been changed for the better_

**(Glinda)**

_And because I knew you_

**(Elphaba)**

_Because I knew you_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Because I knew you  
I have been changed for good_

When the song ended, they just stood and stared at each other.

Then Kurt stepped closer and pulled his friend into a fierce hug, pressing the small body against him, trying not to cry, because he was so moved.

When Rachel pulled back, Kurt searched her face. She looked flushed, excited and a little embarrassed. But there was something else in her eyes, something that reminded him very much of the old Rachel he knew whenever she stood on stage. He smiled encouragingly, giving her the time to collect herself.

Finally Rachel let out a long breath.

"Wow." Was all she said and self-consciously swept a strand of hair behind her ear, not daring to look Kurt in the eye.

The she whispered, more to herself than speaking to her duet partner: "That was fun."

Kurt gently lifted Rachel's chin so she would meet his gaze and he smiled broader and nodded before letting go to sign.

_That was incredible._

Rachel nodded timidly. "Yeah."

Kurt looked at her for a moment before asking the next question.

_Have you ever tried to sing before?_

Rachel looked at him. Kurt might as well have asked her if she had tried bungee jump off the Empire State Building without a rope. She shook her head and then remembered.

"No, not since …" and she waved at the piano. "… last time I was here. And I guess you couldn't have called that singing." She let out another long breath and swiped her hands over her face. "Jesus, I don't know what is it about this place that makes me do such stupid things," she muttered, the embarrassment rising again, trying to smolder all the fun and joy she had felt moments ago.

_Rachel, that was not stupid! That was great! It was so much fun! I felt like we were back in New York on that_ Wicked _stage! Come on, don't turn this into a bad thing._

Kurt almost expected a harsh retort from Rachel, understanding what it must have cost her to let herself go and do what she had done, despite the circumstance. And there she had been, jumping into the performance and even singing a few lines along with the music.

He had hoped, but never really imagined that Rachel would actually dare to sing out loud ever again. And now that he had witnessed it, it was the most wonderful and amazing experience for him, something he would never ever forget. And he would make sure that Rachel would also keep this as a precious and wonderful memory and not as something she felt she needed to be ashamed of.

Kurt regretted only one thing.

That he had not been able to record this, too.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
> 
> The song is "For good" from the musical Wicked, which I also don't own, neither the characters, the story nor the music.
> 
> ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
> 
> When I came up with the idea of the whole story and also the idea about this chapter, I asked myself how realistic it would really be for Rachel to sing and to actually sound good. I rated it close to zero. However, if anyone could ever pull this off, it would be Rachel Berry. I really think she would still have the perfect pitch, even without being able to hear herself sing. Maybe not as strong, but still… I think she could hit the notes.
> 
> Nevertheless, I didn't want this to become too cheesy and miracle-like. I really wanted to know if a someone who lost his or her hearing and had been professional singer before, could still sing in real life. So I did a little research after I had written that chapter.
> 
> I found out that in real life there is a young woman who lost her hearing while studying to become a jazz singer. Even though she is deaf, she started singing again, took lessons with her old vocal teacher from university and is now performing live. She has all the notes in her head and can hit them on key. She still has the perfect pitch and her voice is beautiful! That young lady is really incredible.
> 
> I just want to say that I did not write this chapter for her or because of her. I came up with the idea before knowing anything about her. But to know that someone like her exists helped me personally with the legitimacy of my idea :-).
> 
> So...
> 
> If you ever think, something is not possible, think again.
> 
> It is.


	34. Chapter 34

**I don't own Glee.**

**Thanks a lot also to Sole's stories for beta-reading and commenting this chapter!**

 

* * *

**Chapter 34**

Rachel pondered over Kurt's words. Yes, it had been so much fun and it had reminded her so much of the old times, it had catapulted her back right to the start, back to McKinley, back to Glee Club when everything was still okay.

But she was not back in Lima or in the choir room. She was not seventeen anymore. She stood here in the kitchen of her friend's apartment in New York City.

Still, tuning back into reality was not as hurtful as she had thought.

There was something stirring inside her chest, something that she could not suppress. The joy of performing, of slipping into another role, becoming another person was what fueled her. She let a grin spread across her features, reveling in that feeling for a moment before it struck her again that she had actually _sung_ with Kurt.

"Oh my god, it must have been awful." She stated with a little uncomfortable laugh.

Kurt shook his head vehemently. He threw one hand in front of his mouth, thinking of how to explain it best. When he saw the doubts and insecurities race over Rachel's features, he thrust out his hands.

_Rachel, that was beautiful! I never thought I would hear you sing again! You…_

Words failed him at that moment and Kurt just looked in awe at his friend. Again, he could only begin to imagine what it must have meant for Rachel to do this. And what control and talent she must possess if she could still carry her voice in such a way without hearing herself; with the almost perfect pitch. The two or three little glitches where she had not quite hit the right note Kurt only noticed because he had the perfectly trained ear of a professional singer.

He could not begin to voice how amazed, touched and moved he was.

"Kurt? You ok?" Insecurity laced Rachel's voice, plainly audible in that small question.

For Rachel's sake Kurt pulled himself together and stopped wallowing in his emotions when all his friend needed was for him to describe what he had heard. Not just what he had heard, but how he had heard her _sing_.

 _Rachel, I don't know how you do it, but you sounded really great! And I'm not just saying that. You know me, I was your biggest rival at high school, always striving for the same perfection – and sometimes soli,_ he added with a reference to their _Defying Gravity_ diva-off, which caused the faintest smile to appear on Rachel's face remembering it. _So you have to believe me when I say that this was the…_ _most wonderful experience for me to hear you sing again._ _And it was… so good!_

Rachel looked at him, not fully believing what he said. "Yeah, right. Come on, be honest. How did I really sound?" She narrowed her eyes, studying his face, searching for any little sign that would betray his words. "I want a straightforward answer, not some sappy softened version for the deaf girl."

Kurt let an eyebrow crawl up on his forehead. Ok, that was a call for honesty. So how could he really make her understand that there was nothing softened or glossed over when he told her that she actually sounded good? Great even, considering the circumstances. She probably had not sung a single note in what – more than half a year? He shook his head slightly.

_Rachel, I am not gilding the lily here. You had two or three notes that were slightly, maybe half a tone below the original one. But even that is something that a normal person probably would not have heard. Other than that, you sang in tune._

Rachel was wondering where Kurt had gotten the expression 'gilding the lily' from in ASL. It had taken her quite a few seconds to understand the signs. She continued searching her friend's face, still wondering if he indeed was saying the truth.

In former times it would have been an absolute catastrophe had someone told her one little tune was off even by as little as half a note. In her register that would have meant the end of the world. But today, it seemed like reaching the top of Mount Everest and still it appeared to be unbelievable.

"No! No way! That does not make sense. That does not make any sense at all."

Kurt asked her a different question instead of insisting on his earlier words. It was a question she had discussed already with other people before, how she managed to have the right inflections and modulations in her voice when talking.

She thought a moment. Her therapist, Quinn and Santana had asked her the same and she had always given the same answer. She remembered the discussion she had with the Latina some days ago. Slowly Rachel released her breath and gave Kurt the same explanation.

"I don't really know. When I start talking I have in my mind how I would sound like if I actually could hear myself speak."

Kurt's eyes started sparkling. _See! And if you have the music in your head, maybe you still can articulate it the same way. I mean, even before, when you could still hear, you did not adjust the notes_ after _hearing them coming out of your mouth, right?_

Rachel shrugged and nodded once.

 _You opened your mouth and just sang. So you had already adjusted them in your mind and transferred that onto your vocal cords, somehow. I am not sure if I am making sense here right now,_ he then added with an apologetic shrug.

"Yeah, maybe." She paused for a moment, and added then in a small voice: "It feels weird not to hear myself. I feel all the vibrations in my throat and chest and still, I don't know. It's strange. And I know that I will never sound like I used to, not as strong and secure."

Kurt gently shook his head. _No, probably you will not. But this,_ he gestured with his hand around the kitchen to indicate their little show performance _, was you. Different, yes, but still you. And please trust me, Rachel. You did nothing to be embarrassed of. Believe me._

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again, clearly at a loss for words. There was no sense in discussing this further.

Either she could trust her friend with his judgment or not. These were the only choices she had. And it was damn hard to rely on someone else's opinion, not ever being able to truly know it for herself.

Kurt noticed that it was still working inside Rachel's head and he gave her time to sort her thoughts and feelings out.

Rachel pondered long and hard about that. So if what Kurt said was true, then maybe her idea could work out. Was it really so absurd or was she just making it so hard for herself to believe her friend? She truly felt that of all people Kurt was the one who would honestly tell her if she had sounded horrible.

Rachel felt like her lips were moving on their own even though part of her still found it too absurd to form her thoughts out loud.

"You know, I had this … I don't know …it's just a crazy idea to…" she chewed her lip before continuing. "… I have been thinking of maybe ..." God this was so hard to bring across her lips. After watching her struggle for a moment, Kurt jumped in.

 _Just spit it out, Rachel._ He crocked his head, studying his friend, wondering if he should probe a little more as it was clearly not _just_ an idea. It seemed to be something quite important; otherwise it would not be so hard for Rachel to bring it out into the open.

Kurt's encouraging smile finally made Rachel dig up the last bit of courage she could find bring up the words.

"I have been thinking about a present for Quinn. And … I wanted it to be something very special, something that no one else could give her…."

Kurt could guess what she had in mind. To make it easier for her, he asked:

_You wanted to sing for her?_

"Yes..." It came out more as a breath than a sound, but she was glad that Kurt had prompted her. In a very low voice she continued. "I don't know, it's probably a stupid idea."

When she looked up again to finally meet her friend's eyes, Kurt saw a hopeful glimmer in the brown orbs. He placed a hand on her forearm and squeezed it slightly before pulling back again, his smile never wavering.

_I think she would love it!_

"You think?" She still doubted the sanity of her idea. It had been so much fun doing the duet with Kurt, but to sing a whole song and not being able to know how it would turn out seemed to be too far away to ever become reality for her.

 _Why don't we try? Maybe we can even record it -_ and he motioned with his head towards his music equipment _\- and you can give her a CD,_ Kurt offered.

Rachel looked at him for a moment. While he was observing her contemplating his answer, something seemed to shift inside her. She broke their eye contact and shook her head.

"No, you know what, forget it. It's not going to work. No. I'll have to think of something else. I don't even know how I got this insane idea, I haven't sung in months, much less have I any idea how I would manage a complete song. So whatever possessed me to ask, just forget it, ok?" And she made a dismissive hand gesture towards him.

Kurt opened his mouth to protest and lifted his hands, but she stalled him.

"I said no, Kurt. No. Let's just leave it there, ok? I really enjoyed the little jump back into performing, but it's not going to last, it was just a one-time thing."

It hurt saying it, but it was reality. There was nothing she could do about it. And there was nothing she wanted to discuss further. She noticed the disappointed look on Kurt's face, before he shifted his gaze and focused on something behind her shoulder. Rachel turned to see what caught his attention and she noticed Blaine standing in the doorway, with a slightly guilty expression on his face.

Her breath caught in her throat. She had planned on leaving before he got back. But chekcing the time he was too early for shis show to have finished. Noticing an uncomfortable feeling creeping up from her stomache, Rachel forced herself to relax.

Blaine stepped forward and pulled the large door close before facing Rachel and Kurt again.

Kurt walked over and kissed his fiancée on the lips. When they broke off, Rachel gave Blaine a little wave with her hand.

"Hi Blaine," she managed evenly.

Blaine looked from her to Kurt and back to her, before he answered. Kurt stood next to him and raised his hands.

"Hi Rachel. I … I'm sorry I just interrupted you two."

She looked from Kurt's hands to Blaine. Out of a gut feeling she asked:

"How long have you been standing there?"

There was something about the way his eyes darted between her and Kurt and the way he held himself that did not fit with the fact that he had _just_ arrived.

Blaine placed his bag on one of the chairs and surveyed the left overs of their dinner. Then he turned back to Rachel.

"Um, I was here a little earlier, but… " He exhaled slowly. "… I saw you two performing in the kitchen and I didn't want to disturb you, you seemed to have so much fun, so… I turned and left and waited for a while down the hall before I came back again…" he let his voice trial off. "I am sorry, I should have made my presence known before." He then managed to apologize.

Rachel was torn between anger and embarrassment for Blaine to have witnessed such a very private and special moment. She looked at Kurt and noticed pure surprise on his face. So he had not seen or heard Blaine standing in the door either. That was at least a consolation. She would not have forgiven him had he noticed Blaine's presence without alerting her.

"You are home early," Kurt stated and signed in parallel.

Blaine nodded and coughed. He looked quite tired and had some dark circles under his eyes.

"I don't feel well."

"Oh my god, you sound like you are getting a cold! Go to bed right away!" Kurt exclaimed and rushed his boyfriend towards their bedroom.

Rachel watched Kurt switch into a slight state of alert, even though his words eluded her. After having seen Blaine cough it was not hard to guess what he might have said, though.

Halfway across the room Kurt turned signing:

_Rachel, I will just get Blaine into bed, I'll be right with you again!_

Rachel nodded.

For an actor or a singer just the beginning of a cold was already an absolute nightmare. She could not say if Blaine's voice had already suffered, but judging from the state he looked like, he was probably in for a nasty cold. Why he had not stayed at home in the first place that evening was beyond her. It was of utmost importance to take care of oneself, especially when having such a tight and trying schedule and so many people depending on you. Also spreading the germs among your fellow actors was usually never a gesture that was well received.

When the two disappeared behind the newly installed glass sliding door that separated the bedroom from the rest of the apartment – there was now also a glass wall installed behind the shelf on the foot side of the room to ward of the noise - she took stock of the whole situation and her feelings.

It seemed that two people had heard her sing now. Two people - while she herself could not hear her own voice. And of all people one of them had to be Blaine. She wondered what this would do to his fear; probably it had not helped to ease it, listening to a former Broadway star croaking along to her own once perfect singing.

She tried to distract herself in order not to start brooding and slipping into a bad mood. The evening _had_ been too nice for that.

Collecting the plates with the left-over food, she cleared them and placed them into the sink. How come that whenever she was with one of her friends, they almost never got to eat what they were cooking? She wondered.

Rachel noticed that she felt oddly calm while she concentrated on the task at hand, letting the water run over the porcelain and squeezing some dish washing liquid into the sink. Maybe it was still the effect of the alcohol in her system that let her stand there so calmly. After all, she could not take anything back or change the past hour. And if she was honest with herself, she would not want to. It had been so much fun.

She and Kurt had always had that certain chemistry when singing and it must have been what had caught her in that moment, even though she could not hear any of the music. At least not for real, but in her mind everything had been so clear!

Rachel focused back on straightening up the kitchen. At home she had a dishwasher and she wondered why Kurt had never gotten around to buy one. Though for now she found it very relaxing and almost meditative to concentrate on washing the dishes.

After she had deposited the food from the pots into two glass bowls and placed them into the fridge, she scrubbed the rest of the cooking utensils too.

While standing there, her hands busy with scrubbing, she had to laugh all of a sudden. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed someone approaching and Kurt asked her with his hands:

_What's so funny?_

Rachel shrugged, her hands still submerged in the foamy water.

"I don't know. This whole situation, everything. I mean, I am standing here cleaning the dishes after dancing and singing in your kitchen …you have to admit it does seem rather funny, considering the circumstances." She placed both hands on the rim of the sink and leaned on her arms. "You know, Kurt, I really enjoyed this. It reminded me what is worth living for." She gave him a crooked smile and Kurt grabed a dish towel off the hook to help her.

Rachel watched his face break into a smile. Before he answered, he threw the towel on the table to free his hands again.

 _Yes. I guess it proves that the best things happen if you do not plan them. Sometimes you just have to let things go and they'll sort themselves out on their own._ He noticed the slightly confused look on Rachel's face and continued.

_Look, do you think this evening would have happened the way it did, had you planned to sing with me? I don't think so and yet it was one of the best things that we ever lived through together. At least for me it was._

"Hm. Kind of happened the same way with meeting Quinn again. I could never have planned it the way it really happened and how the whole thing turned out. I see what you mean."

 _So, are you ok?_ Kurt then asked with a compassionate look on his face.

Rachel thought for a moment. "Yes, I guess I'm ok. It still feels weird to think that I actually sang with you without ever being able to hear it and knowing how it really sounded. I just had to trust my feeling and my memory of the song." She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts before continuing.

"But it is still hard to believe that you are telling the truth. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to imply that you are lying, but… oh god, how do I explain myself…"

 _It's ok, I think I can understand._ Kurt paused for a moment before he continued.

 _Blaine wanted to talk to you, if that is ok with you. Why don't you go talk to him while I finish up here?_ He gestured towards the already cleaned dishes. _And thanks for helping, Rachel._

"You're welcome. Besides, you did all the cooking! Which was great, by the way!" She gave him a grateful smile. "How is Blaine? And did they cancel the show with him leaving early?" She then inquired curiously.

Kurt shook his head, placed the plate he was just drying on the table and answered:

_His understudy took over. They only had one and a half acts to go. He already didn't feel so well yesterday, but insisted on going to work today._

"He should have stayed in bed. Did he sound hoarse?" She then wanted to know.

_Yes, a little, I guess he overexerted himself today._

Rachel nodded and dried her hands on the towel Kurt held for her. She could not think of any further questions to ask to keep her from seeing Blaine. Truth be told, she felt uncomfortable having to face him alone. But, if she ever wanted to resolve this issue she should go and see him. Before she made her way over to the bedroom she stopped at her handbag to retrieve a notepad. Though, when she slipped through the door she found Blaine already holding one of his own in his hand, sitting Indian style on the blanket. He smiled shyly as she entered and padded the bed in front of him.

Cautiously she sat down and laid the paper and pen down in front of her, looking at Blaine. He seemed a bit nervous and fidgeted with the pen in his hand. To put him a bit at ease, she started the conversation.

"Kurt told me you wanted to see me."

Blaine nodded and visibly swallowed. This was going to be awkward, Rachel thought and took over the conversation again, even though he had asked to talk to her.

"I'm sorry you had to cancel the rest of your show. I guess that just adds fuel to the fire of the discussion we had through our e-mails." She said gently.

Blaine pressed his lips together and nodded.

"Yes, thanks. I wanted to apologize…" he started saying tilting his head down, not looking at Rachel until she waved her hand in front of his face and then pointed to his pad.

"I can't understand what you're saying. So you either have to look at me and speak in short and clear sentences or write down what you want to say," she explained.

Embarrassed, Blaine stoapped fiddling with the ball point pen nd wrote something down.

_I'm truly sorry for having intruded before. Seems like I stick my foot into my mouth every time I'm around you._

This drew a soft chuckle from Rachel. "Guess you do." Then she sobered.

"Do you know how that whole situation makes me feel? This was somehow the most vulnerable I have ever been. Standing there, in the kitchen, actually singing again. Still, with Kurt I somehow had felt safe. But now knowing that you witnessed the whole thing … Blaine that was really unfair. And to be honest it makes me furious that you have intruded in such a personal moment uncalled."

Blaine looked at her for a moment. "Yes. I guess I can understand that," he mumbled and again Rachel had to point to the paper on his lap. This time she did it with a little more emphasis. Was it really that difficult?

She moved a little closer so she could read over his shoulder in order to not having to wait until he had finished writing everything.

_You asked me to be honest with you in your last e-mail. So I try to be.  
When I came home I heard Kurt singing. That was really strange, because he told me that you were coming over and I didn't quite understand why he would do such an inconsiderate thing… with you being there. So I peeked inside and was surprised to see you watching him and joining him even! I didn't dare to interrupt, you seemed so… So happy and so involved. I just didn't bring it over my heart to step inside, because I'm sure you would've stopped. It was so fascinating to watch you. Then I realized that this was really inappropriate and I turned around again to give you some more privacy._

Rachel had watched Blaine while he wrote down the words. He looked like he had a bad conscience and even seemed truly ashamed of his action.

"In your state you shouldn't have wandered around the hallway, Blaine. It just would've been fair to say something right then and there." She made her point.

He opened his mouth again to answer, but caught himself just in time and let the pen fly over the paper instead. He coughed again a few times while writing.

_True. And I am sorry I didn't. But to be honest, do you think you would have dared to sing had you seen me standing there or if I had said anything?_

So he definitely had heard her, too.

She shook her head. "No."

_So… Wasn't it then a good thing that I just walked away?_

" _Walked away_? You shouldn't have been there in the first place," Rachel gave the sharp retort.

For a moment she felt cornered and wanted to lash out at Blaine. How dared he ask her such a question? He, who had been the one who had the most problems with her deafness and how to deal with it. So how dare he to discuss this absolute sensible situation with her now? He was the one who still had everything and nevertheless tortured himself with an unreasonable fear, while she had lost everything. And then he dared to watch her sing – something that she thought she would never do again in her life.

 _Sing_.

And now he was sitting there smug on his bed, asking her these well-meant questions about this one moment when she had felt normal for a fraction of a second, when she had managed to not focus on the fact that she was deaf?

Rachel felt the anger rise in her chest and apparently it also settled in her eyes, because as she looked at Blaine, he flinched and involuntarily leaned back a bit.

Good. He should know that he had not been welcomed to witness this scene. He of all people.

But in her heart, she knew where his last question pointed at and another voice inside her tried to reason with her, tried to get her to calm down and think about it in earnest.

She knew he wanted to hear that she enjoyed herself, that she had liked it. She thought back to the moment when she took the whole thing forward from just moving her lips to actually raising her voice.

This last step had been a conscious decision. She had known what she was doing.

It had helped seeing Kurt in front of her, performing with her. That had given the whole thing a frame of reference for her, which was so important as she had no way of judging when her next verse was up.

Well, that was not quite true. As she had the whole song in her head, she had known when each line came up and how to sing it, theoretically. But translating that knowledge onto her voice, _singing_ , had been a totally different story.

The whole trouble began and ended in her head with all her doubts and insecurities. She knew she had to ignore those voices should she ever want to move forward. The world would throw enough obstacles into her path, so _she_ had to stop limiting _herself_ first.

Once she had managed to let herself be completely pulled into the scene that played out in front of her, she could not hear those little voices of doubts anymore as they seemed to be drowned out by the joy and fun she felt. That had helped her to actually take the last step to tune in with Kurt.

She had watched his face, his eyes had widened in surprise.

Rachel had felt through the vibrations in her throat when she was changing the volume while singing. The vibrations got stronger the higher the volume, spreading from her throat through her head and chest. She knew she did not sing as loud and as forceful as she used to, but after staying silent for so long, it felt like a small victory over her limitations. She knew that this singing was most likely a one-time thing that had happened in the spur of a moment, but still, it boosted her confidence a bit.

So maybe she would at least be able to keep her 'talking' voice and manage to keep giving it the right inflections and modulations over time.

Seeing Blaine in front of her, watching her and waiting for an answer, she felt her anger disappear. And she realized that she didn't need to say anything. He knew the answer already. He must have seen it written all over her face, the way he looked at her.

Rachel let out a long breath and with it she felt the anger and tension leave her body completely.

"I think I should let you rest. You really don't look well, if I may say so. Let Kurt cook you some chicken soup and tug you in."

 _Oh believe me, even if I tried, I would not manage to keep him away from my bedside. He would have been a good nurse in another life_ , Blaine joked, desperately trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, I think he would," Rachel agreed, watching Blaine writing something else down.

 _For what it's worth..._ he fiddled with the pen for a moment, before he dared to write the next words… _Kurt told me you don't really believe him when he says that you sounded good. Which I can understand in a way. I just wanted to let you know, for the short moment I was there, it sounded great to hear you sing with Kurt and having your two voices play in the background. That was incredible, it really sounded great, like a double_ Wicked _performance!_

"Thank you Blaine." Rachel answered, not knowing what else to say and not wanting to talk about it any further. She collected her pad and pen and got up. "Well, get better soon," she offered and gave a little wave with her hand.

Turning to leave she felt him grab her hand to hold her back. He held up a finger to ask her to wait for another moment and let his pen flow across the paper.

_Thanks for letting me witness that little moment (even though you were not aware of it and I still feel bad about this!). But it's good to know that you can find back to your old self._

The petite woman stared at the words for a while before she answered, taking the pen out of Blaine's hand, writing her words down.

 _You know, sometimes it might be better to move on and not stay the same. If you hold on to too much things that you're afraid to lose, you don't have time to see what else is there around you. And you'll never grow._ She blinked and then added another sentence. _That is something I've just realized._

She placed the pen on the pad and handed both back to Blaine with a smile. He read it and nodded, reaching out to squeeze Rachel's hand, sneezing twice at that moment and then quickly withdrew his hand again.

"Oh sorry, hope I didn't spread my viruses!" He exclaimed, then noticing his mistake reached for the pen and paper again. But Rachel's hand on his arm stilled his motion. She had understood the "sorry" and "virus" and guessed the rest.

"Don't worry, I won't get sick. Now get into bed, before I call the nurse," she ordered.

Blaine nodded and scooted under the covers, watching Rachel slide the door close.

Rachel found Kurt still in the kitchen, setting up some coffee and preparing a tea for his boyfriend.

 _Everything ok?_ He asked with his hands.

"Yes. All good. I think I should leave you now to tend to your boyfriend," Rachel then said and moved towards the chair where her jacket hung. Kurt stomped his foot twice on the wooden floor to get her attention.

 _No, you'll do no such thing. Sit down, Ms. Berry, at once!_ And he sternly pointed at the chair she stood in front of. _We still have to test at least one wine! I didn't carry that whole stuff up here to just look at it!_

"Oh, ok, Mr. Hummel, I did not want to upset you." Rachel held up her hands in a defensive gesture. "I will surely enjoy some nice conversation over a decent glass of wine. Though mind you, I am already slightly intoxicated by the marvelous champagne you have served earlier." She answered in typical Rachel manner.

_That's why we will have some coffee and dessert first. I'll just bring the tea to Blaine and will be right with you._

Rachel chuckled and sat down. Looking at the clock above the fridge she found that it wasn't as late as she'd thought. Not even nine thirty. Kurt came back right away as promised. She wondered what the two men had talked about, because her friend was shaking his head a little, lifting one corner of his mouth in a crocked smile.

Kurt then served some excellent carrot cake from their favorite bakery and the coffee helped to perk her up a bit.

Some fresh water a little later helped to clear their taste buds in order to enjoy the white wine Kurt offered. He explained that it was not really the right order to have the wine after dessert, as it might taste differently after the sweet dish, but Rachel agreed that having had something to eat first was a good idea.

"Have you taped anything else from Glee Club?"

Kurt shook his head. _No, not much. Some of the special competitions, like boys against girls or the mash ups. Some I just have taped with my phone._

Rachel looked at Kurt. "Hm. I never really have thought of you to be the secret stalker type, Kurt," she joked. "Does Mr. Schuester know?"

Again Kurt answered no.

"Hm, maybe that would be a nice present for him, once he retires or something like that. A memory of his first Glee club that won the Nationals."

Kurt laughed. _Good idea. Maybe I won't wait until he is ancient and gray. Should he ever marry Ms. Pilsbury, then I'll give him that as a present. Speaking of Glee, will you go home for Hanukkah or Christmas?_

Rachel hesitated a moment. "Yeah, I have planned to go home." She thought about the conversation she was going to have with her parents and felt a little unease rise.

 _You don't look happy about it_ , Kurt commented.

"No, it's just… I'm not at best terms with my dads so far. Ever since the accident we have somehow drifted apart. And I know that it is partly because I have been keeping them at arm's length, but partly it is also because they are behaving just so inconsiderate around me. It's not like they are not allowed to learn and make mistakes, but they keep making the same ones over and over again. As if they didn't _want_ to learn. I told them that we needed to talk. Quinn offered me to support me. Still I'm not looking forward to that discussion."

_I can understand that. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. We will also be going home, probably around the 23rd, after our last performance. When will you be leaving?_

Rachel shrugged. "Don't know yet. We have not talked about it so far. Probably a day earlier, depending on Quinn's schedule. I'll let you know, ok?" She took another sip of her wine.

Kurt studied his friend for a moment as she played with her wine glass, twirling it between her fingers, watching the pale liquid leaving little traces on the inside of the glass. He wondered what else was eating her.

 _What's up?_ He asked as she looked back at him after a while.

"Nothing. Have just been thinking about our annual Glee meeting. Don't know if I feel up to it this year. Nobody knows yet what happened."

 _Well, I don't think they will like you any less if you tell them, don't you think_? Kurt asked gently.

"No, that's not it. Well not all of it. It's just that whatever Mr. Schue has planned, most likely I won't be able to participate and I'm not sure if I can stand to just watch you all sing and have fun. She paused for a moment, collecting herself. "Anyway, that's still some days away and I don't want to worry about it tonight." She changed the topic. "I like the wine."

_Yes, it's one of my favorites. Blaine was complaining that he didn't get any._

"Why didn't he?"

 _He's sick and should stick to tea!_ Kurt answered with emphasis.

"Oh god," Rachel chuckled. "We already joked about how good a nurse you would have become in another life."

Kurt perked up. _Oh yes, with those nice little white dresses and those good looking doctors, yumm! I'd have loved that job!_ And he waggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

Rachel had to laugh again, imagining her friend in the nurse's outfit. "Right. But you know, the main part of the job doesn't consist of ogling handsome doctors and making out in the janitor's closet."

His face fell a little. _Right. Damn._

The light banter continued and after having finished her wine, Rachel decided to leave.

She put on her coat and bonnet and hugged her friend at the door.

"Thank you for this great evening. And thank you for …" she waved with her hand at the kitchen table "...the food and the wine. And … you know… all the rest," she smiled shyly.

 _I know._ Kurt smiled. _And you are very welcome Rachel. For the food, the wine and "all the rest". Especially the "rest"._ He managed to weave the air quotation marks into his signing.

 _So whenever you feel like a little performance in whichever way, the door is always open for you and I'll be ready as your duet partner,_ he added, gazing at Rachel intensively.

She held his gaze for a moment, seeing the earnestness behind the words and simply nodded. There was nothing to add. She knew whenever she felt like it and whatever she wanted to try out, Kurt would be there for her, not judging, not questioning her.

It filled her with a gratefulness that was hard to contain, as she made her way towards the subway, unable to erase the happy smile that played around her lips.

… … …

On the subway ride back to her apartment, Rachel thought that it was not fair to Quinn that two people had heard her sing, when her girlfriend didn't even know yet about her first contact with Kurt's piano. She had even talked with Santana about that episode.

Rachel wondered what held her back from telling Quinn. Was she afraid Quinn would want to hear her sing? Or that she would press her to try out even more? No. Not really. She had not even asked her to speak before, so why would she ask her to sing? She had let Rachel pick her own pace with everything. The brunette could not find a rational reason for wanting to hold back the news.

When she opened her apartment door, she noticed that she had left the light on in the living room. She dropped her bag on the kitchen counter, threw her shoes in the corner next to the door, hung up her coat, scarf and bonnet. Then she made her way towards the bathroom, where she discarded the rest of her clothes and got ready for bed.

Midway through washing her face she noticed that she was humming. That _Wicked_ song still held her captive. Shaking her head she washed off the excessive foam, brushed her teeth and grabbed her clothes. With only her bra and panties on she slipped into the dark bedroom, threw the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner and turned towards her bed, stopping mid-track.

There was a bulge under the cover and she saw some blond tousled hair peeking out from under it.

"Awwww, that's so sweet," she half-whispered and stepped next to the bed, gently stroking through the blond locks, placing a happy kiss on the head of her girlfriend.

That was a very nice surprise, they had planned to sleep separately for the night, but apparently Quinn's longing for her had been too great to tame.

Quickly Rachel threw on her pajamas and crawled into the bed, snuggling up to her sleeping beauty, wrapping her arms around her from behind, burring her nose in her hair inhaling deeply.

Heaven. Home. Bliss.

"Mhmmmmmmmm," she sighed as she tried to scoot even closer.

Quinn moved under her embrace and sleepily turned around.

"Hey sweet!" she mumbled and searched Rachel's lips with hers. The brunette eagerly met her half way and they shared a tender kiss.

"What are you doing here, honey?" Rachel asked, still feeling happy to be treated to such a nice surprise.

"Missed you," was the short reply she plucked from Quinn's lips as the blond seemed too tired to sign.

"Go back to sleep honey," Rachel cooed softly and placed another kiss on her girlfriend's forehead. "You must be tired."

The blond head bobbed up and down slowly.

"Did you have fun?" Quinn managed before her eyes fell close again.

Rachel did not answer right away, thinking back to the evening, and then answered honestly:

"Yeah. I did. In fact, I had more than fun." Then she collected her courage before she could change her mind. "I sang a little duet with Kurt," she then whispered, observing Quinn for any reaction.

A small smile spread across Quinn's features as her eyes stayed close. She hardly managed to say the next words. "Reall... Tell me …" the rest was apparently swallowed by fatigue and Rachel watched Quinn's breath even out and take on a rhythm that told her that her girlfriend was in dreamland again.

She pulled one corner of her mouth up and let out a short breath, turned around, switched the lights off and wrapped her arms around her lover. At least it was out and she would see how Quinn would react to her news in the morning.


	35. Chapter 35

**Don't own Glee or its characters.**

**This one's rated M. Just to be sure.**

**Many many thanks to Sole's stories for beta reading this chapteras well, you always provide good and honest input!**

* * *

**Chapter 35**

The next morning Quinn was woken up by the nice smell of coffee wafting under her nose. Slowly she stretched and inhaled deeply.

Cracking her eyes open, she found Rachel sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a cup for her. Slowly and with adorable mussed hair, as Rachel thought, Quinn propped herself up on her elbows.

Rachel smiled at her sleepy lover. "Morning, darling! Before any of our stomachs start grumbling, disturbing any romantic moment we might have, can I suggest breakfast in bed?" And she placed the cup in Quinn's outstretched hand, then bent down to retrieve a fully loaded tray from the floor.

"Wow!" Quinn's eyes became big when she saw the nicely decorated plates, one even with an omelet and bacon. Quickly she placed the cup on the nightstand after having taken a quick sip. She sat up fully and cupped Rachel's face, looking lovingly at her. Then she pulled back an signed:

_Good morning, my love! This looks nice! What did I do to deserve this?_

Rachel cocked her head, soaking up the sight in front of her. "Mmmm, I'd say by coming here last night and not letting me sleep by myself."

_Lucky me! I missed you, I wanted to wake up next to you._ Quinn signed and looked at her girlfriend from under her lashes.

"I missed you, too, and I am glad I could fall asleep with you in my arms last night. And wake up next to you. And that I can cuddle with you now again! Hold the tray for a second so I can scoot in next to you." Rachel held out the food, which Quinn eagerly took.

Making themselves comfortable, they fed each other little bites of toast, fruits and kisses in between after Quinn had polished off her eggs.

Rachel decided the little pieces of apple tasted best when picked up with her lips from Quinn's stomach. The blonde had laid a little trail from her navel up to her breasts and her girlfriend was more than eager to follow the bait. Slowly the brunette nibbled her way up until her lips cupped one of Quinn's pink nipples, and the brunette started to suck at it softly. She felt her lover arch her body against her, showing her that she wanted more. Much more.

Looking up, she found the hazel eyes gazing at her intently and Rachel moved a little to continue her lip work on Quinn's mouth. Their tongues met and toyed with each other, exchanging hot and passionate kisses. At one point Quinn rolled them over so that Rachel was lying on her back. The blonde pushed her lover's pajama shirt up until it revealed gloriously naked tanned skin. She reached out and grabbed the honey glass from the night stand, letting the golden liquid drop on the warm, exposed flesh.

Rachel's stomach muscles involuntarily contracted every time a cool droplet of the sweet stickiness fell down. After what must have felt like one thousand drops, Quinn placed the honey back on the tray and bent over Rachel with a gleam in her eyes.

Slowly, very slowly, she began to kiss off each of the droplets while massaging Rachel's breasts softly with her hands. Quinn felt her girlfriend move under her touch and noticed the brunette's breathing getting more and more ragged. A low moan escaped Rachel's lips.

"Mmmh, Quinn! You. Are. Driving. Me. Nuts." Rachel managed between breaths, writhing even more under the tender hands, lips and tongue.

At one point the blonde tugged on the pajama pants that Rachel was still wearing and helped her shimmy out of the garment, only to follow suite with her own. The tops were discarded as well.

Quinn smiled mischievously and thrust her thigh between Rachel's already spread legs. Slowly she started to move it a little up and down, the friction causing Rachel to emit an involuntary gasp. The brunette had a second to wonder about Quinn's acrobatic talents to place all her limbs at all the right spots on her body at once, before her rising arousal drowned any coherent thought. She felt Quinn's hands on her breast and her mouth on her lips; she could not hold back the sounds of pleasure. She rocked her hips against Quinn's thigh and the slow rocking motion sent hot flashes through her body.

In a husky voice Rachel whispered: "I want to feel you."

And Quinn was happy to oblige. She dipped her fingers into the wetness that had accumulated between her girlfriend's folds and watched Rachel's eyes flutter shut at the sensation. The hot flesh pulsed around her fingers as she slowly moved them back and forth, while Rachel thrust her hips against her. The brown locks spread out on the pillow under her girlfriend's head as if setting a frame for the beautiful face that rested in the dark waves with a look of absolute bliss on its features. Seeing this gorgeous woman getting close to the edge under her hands filled Quinn's heart with such love that she almost felt she must burst.

"God, Rachel I love you so much, you're the most beautiful woman on earth." Knowing that her lover would not hear those words, she nevertheless had to let them out. "I love you so much, Rachel!" She smiled when she felt Rachel's hand grip her arm, sqeezing it hard.

"Quinn, oh god Quinn, don't stop, please, don't… stop!" Everytime Quinn heard Rachel say her name with that husky voice so full of need and desire it seemed like the most beautiful gift for the blonde.

Quinn absolutely loved watching her lover come undone under her hands, she loved how Rachel lost every last bit of control and let herself be tasted, probed, nipped and be driven over the edge.

When Rachel came back to her senses, Quinn lowered her taller, willowy frame slowly onto Rachel's, careful to leave her some room to breathe.

Feeling the warm skin on her own let Quinn's pulse accelerate. Their eyes locked and for a moment both women were lost in each other's gaze. Unspoken words passed between them, transmitted only through their eyes and the close body touch. Quinn felt like she was seeing her whole world in those eyes, she drowned in the brown pools and never wanted to surface again. She had never felt more at home, more at peace and more whole then when gazing into those eyes, seeing the same love, the same feelings she felt reflected back.

Quinn lowered her body until it covered Rachel's completely. Then she wrapped her arms around the smaller frame and hid her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck. She rolled slightly to one side, taking the other body with her, pressing the brunette even harder against herself. Quinn felt Rachel's arms tighten their embrace in unison, both women trying to get even closer to each other, trying to melt into one person. They held each other for a long while, before Quinn slowly moved them back into their former position. Kissing Rachel first softly, then more passionately, the blonde lifted herself up again, took Rachel's hands and spread her arms wide on the bed. The movement exposed the brunette's beautiful breasts even more and the round mounds stretched alluringly towards her with that movement. Slowly she kissed her way down from Rachel's lips over her throat, down her left shoulder to the crook of her elbow, where she lingered for a moment, paying this sensitive spot special attention.

Rachel shuddered and managed to croak: "No teasing, Quinn, pleeeeease."

Quinn chuckled and with on last little nip at the soft flesh she moved closer to Rachel's center, but not without stopping to give her breasts the deserved attention. Before reaching her most sensitive area, the blonde stopped with her lips at one little spot she had overlooked before and teasingly licked off the honey with the tip of her tongue. From there she nipped her way further down until her lips closed over the pulsing little nub between Rachel's legs. She kept sucking at it, causing her lover to moan even more, her hands flailing across the bed sheet, blindly searching for anything she could hold on to. Quinn extended one of her hands and Rachel gripped it, entwining her fingers with her girlfriend's. It seemed like the additional physical touch was something that Rachel needed to make up for not being able to have an auditory connection with her lover.

The blond let her tongue dip deeper, testing the wet fold. Then she wandered up again to slowly suck at the little tender spot above the throbbing flesh. Rachel exhaled deeply, only to take in another shaky breath, almost whimpering as she felt Quinn then enter with her tongue again.

Slowly she started to move her hips, thrusting herself against Quinn's finger, until the blonde slipped in a second one.

"Oh Quinn, god, don't stop. Please, don't ever stop," the brunette gasped and moved faster. Quinn kept up with the rhythm and then pressed the thumb of her hand on her lover's clitoris, stimulating Rachel even further until she felt a shudder race through her lover's body, feeling her gripping her hand even harder and letting out a long groan.

Once Rachel slumped down and let go of Quinn's hand, Quinn emerged between her lovers' legs with a smug grin on her face. Cat like she crawled up to face her girlfriend who was lying dazed on the mattress with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Hello gorgeous, want to come back to this world?" she coaxed Rachel softly speaking and signing and placed small kisses on the soft skin of her cheeks.

"Hmhm," Rachel managed to counter weakly, still not being able to move.

Quinn chuckled and propped herself on her elbow next to her still sedated lover, letting her left index finger lazily crawl down her girlfriend's chest, only to stop at her breasts to twirl little circles around the nipples.

"Mhmmm, Quinn, that won't help getting me back to my senses," Rachel replied, her voice still trembling.

Quinn decided to not comment and continued her exploration, watching the slender body next to her react instantly to her touch. She could go on for hours without ever wanting anything more. She loved this woman by her side so much that every little fiber of her being thrummed and vibrated with the emotion.

She bent down and nuzzled Rachel's throat gently. Rachel lifted a hand and started playing with a strand of Quinn's hair. Then she reached a little lower and lifted Quinn's chin so she could look at her.

_I love you,_ Rachel mouthed and watched Quinn's eyes skip down to her lips. _I love you so much,_ she added without raising her voice and thereupon saw a smile spread across the other woman's face. The blond lowered her head and stole a tender kiss from Rachel's lips.

"You stole my words," Quinn said softly and then smiled.

"I stole your words?" Rachel asked to ensure that she had understood it correctly.

Quinn nodded.

"What now, do you want me to give them back to you?" the brunette teased.

Quinn nodded again and held out a hand. Rachel laughed. "Um, you know, maybe I'll give you something else instead." And she gently pushed Quinn down until she lay on her stomach. Then she began to massage her shoulders, softly kneading her way down her back. She felt Quinn groan under her fingers whenever she worked on a particular tight little muscle. But under her soothing movements, her girlfriend managed to relax.

At one point, Quinn felt Rachel draw something with her finger on her back. She had to concentrate to figure out what it was she was writing. When she realized she had to laugh.

"I love you, Rachel, with all my heart!?" she exclaimed without signing and turned her head to look at her girlfriend.

"Oh you do? That's so sweet!" Rachel stated feigning innocence.

Quinn smiled. "Very clever, Miss Berry."

"See, I gave you back your words. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" The blonde received as an answer with a teasing grin.

Quinn groaned and sat up, pulling the brunette into her lap. "Sometime you are just too much, you know that?" she asked laughing and when she noticed Rachel's questioning look, she repeated her words in ASL.

"Uh, I'm nothing you can't handle," was Rachel's confident answer. "Lay back down that I can finish what I have started," she told Quinn.

But the blonde shook her head and signed: _You know what, I'd like to lie down, but hold you for a moment. I need to feel you in my arms_.

The brunette raised an eyebrow in question, but conceded to her girlfriend's wishes, after reassuring herself that everything was ok.

_Yes, everything is fine, Rachel. I just need to hold you for a while. I really do love you with all my heart and if I can't hold you right now I have the feeling my heart will explode_ , she explained with a smile.

"Oh my, can't have that!" With that Rachel lay down next to Quinn and snuggled closer so the taller woman could wrap her arms around her.

As they lay like that for a while, stroking each other softly with their fingers, Rachel wondered if Quinn would address her at some point about what she had told her the night before. When nothing came from Quinn, she probed a little.

"Have you been home long before I came?"

Quinn crunched her eyebrows, trying to recall the timings. Rachel leaned back a bit to better read the signs.

_Don't remember exactly. Maybe an hour or so. Why?_

"Just asking. Had I known you were here, I'd have come home earlier."

_It's ok, Rachel, don't worry. You had fun with Kurt? What'd you do?_ Quinn asked curiously.

Rachel looked at girlfriend's innocent face, then closed her eyes, shook her head and chuckled softly.

"You don't remember, do you?" Rachel asked, torn between disappointment and relief.

Quinn raised one eyebrow. _Remember what?_

"Nothing. Nothing important. We had a little conversation, but you were half asleep."

"Oh." A pause, more thinking. _I can't remember. What did we talk about?_

Rachel smiled. "That I was surprised to see you and you asked me if I had fun."

_Oh. Sorry. I really can't remember. Did I say anything else? God, hopefully I didn't spill any secrets,_ Quinn joked.

_No,_ Rachel thought. _I_ _did. But you don't remember._

Quinn cocked her head and watched her girlfriend. It seemed like she wanted to say something more.

But Rachel could not work up the courage anymore to tell Quinn what she had done. And again, she could not explain to herself why. Why of all people was it the hardest to tell the person she loved the most? Maybe she was afraid of raising expectations or to disappoint Quinn for not wanting to sing for her. Rachel knew how much Quinn loved her voice and that made it just so much harder to tell her about the singing. Because Rachel knew, she would probably not do it again. It would have been like dangling a precious gift in front of someone only to tell them that they would never receive it.

"Hm, you told me about my Christmas present," Rachel then said earnestly which made Quinn pause for a moment. Then the blonde slapped her girlfriend on the arm.

_I did not! You almost had me there, Rachel._

Rachel laughed and a second later sneezed twice. Quinn looked at her with a worried expression.

_Honey, are you feeling all right?_

"Yes, why? I just sneezed."

_Your voice sounds a bit hoarse, too. You sure you're ok? You sound like you are getting a cold._

"Really?"

Rachel felt fine, besides, being told by her girlfriend that her voice sounded strange. She wondered if it might have been some lingering effect of her singing the other night. After all, she hadn't done it for a long time and had not warmed up properly either. Or – and that thought she liked even less – it was indeed happening that she very slowly started to lose some of her ability to inflect her voice. Then again, if she had managed to sing as well as Kurt had claimed, this current change in her voice probably did not come in lack of control.

She shook her head. That was nothing she wanted to think about. So she put on a brave face and added:

"No, I am fine, honestly. It is probably nothing."

… … …

The 'nothing' turned into a full-fledged cold over the next day.

It relieved Rachel somewhat, that what Quinn had heard in her voice was just due to the cold, but she absolutely hated getting sick.

"Do I sound hoarse when I am talking?" Rachel asked over breakfast where she forced herself to nibble on a small bite of toast at least. She absolutely had no appetite and her whole body ached.

Quinn was surprised. _Why do you ask?_

"Cause if feels weird in my throat. Usually, I feel the vibrations in my throat and chest when I talk. But now I need a lot more strength to get that same feeling. How does my voice sound?" She asked with a concerned look at Quinn.

Quinn understood that this must be absolutely confusing, feeling a difference in the voice and in the effort it took to say something; but not being able to judge how it sounded.

_Yes, you sound hoarse. Your voice cracks. I think you should go see a doctor. Especially,_ and she placed her hand at Rachel's forehead, _since you seem to run a fever. So why don't you make an appointment at your ENT specialist?_

"No, this has nothing to do with my ears; it's just a cold, like you said, so a GP would be more than adequate to help."

Quinn sensed that it would lead nowhere if she pressed that topic any further. Getting the phone number from Rachel, she made the call at the practice and managed to get an appointment the same day later in the morning.

_You want me to come with you?_ She asked with a concerned looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes.

"Ugh, this is so annoying. I never get sick. Guess I should have stayed away from Blaine." Rachel stated ignoring Quinn's question.

_Blaine? Was he home as well? I thought he was working._ Quinn was confused.

"Yeah, he was, but he had to go home early because he couldn't finish the play anymore."

_Wow, that's tough. Why didn't you stay away from him?_

Rachel shrugged. "He wanted to talk to me and so I went to see him in the bedroom. To talk, I mean. He went straight to bed when he came home. Kurt literally stuffed him into bed. Anyway, I really didn't think I'd catch a cold."

_Well, let's see what the doctor says. I'm coming with you,_ Quinn decided after not having received an answer from her girlfriend on her earlier question.

"Maybe you should go home and stay away from me for a while; otherwise you might also catch a cold." She cleared her throat twice before continuing. "And so close to Christmas with your concert and all I don't want you to get sick as well!" But it would be hard to see Quinn leave, Rachel admitted to herself. Though she did not want to be so selfish and ask her to stay and expose herself even more to her germs.

_No! You don't think I'll leave my sick girlfriend alone, do you? No way!_

"But Quiiiinn, you can't get sick and if you stay with me…" But Quinn didn't let her finish. The more Rachel tried to speak, the worse her voice got.

_No more discussion about it. I'll stay and go to the doc with you. Now, back to bed and rest until we have to go. I'll get you some tea. Don't strain your voice too much, sweetie._ Quinn said and observed how her girlfriend stemmed her hands into her hips in typical Rachel fashion.

The former diva huff for a moment, but then looked a little deflated.

She turned and shuffled back to bed with a weak: "Okay."

Quinn was a bit surprised to get no further resistance or argument, so Rachel really must have felt lousy.

The brunette actually fell asleep again and dozed until Quinn woke her up gently to get ready for the appointment. It seemed that she got worse every minute, despite the nap.

Quinn called a cab company and pre-ordered a taxi to pick them up. She did not want to stay in front of the building, having to wait unnecessarily with her sick girlfriend in the cold.

The good thing about accompanying Rachel was that she could interpret for her. Her GP had looked very surprised and concerned as he understood the situation. He knew Rachel already for a couple of years, but he had not heard about her accident yet.

It took him a moment to digest the news before his professionalism took over again and he started to examine her.

Quinn noticed that he kept looking at Rachel when he spoke and the brunette really appreciated that, even though Quinn had to sign his words for her.

The diagnosis was a common cold with acute Laryngitis including some inflamed tonsils. The doctor told Rachel that she should try to not use her voice over the next two to three days. And he told her that it might make sense to get her tonsils taken out as soon as she got better.

_You still haven't had them be removed, Rachel?_ Quinn asked as they sat in the cab driving back to Rachel's flat.

_No, the last time I got sick was in high school. Ok, that was horrible but nothing else has happened since,_ she signed back.

The little trip had already exhausted Rachel and she was longing to get back to bed. They stopped quickly at Quinn's apartment which was almost on the way so she could grab some clothes, but soon they were off again to get Rachel back home.

For once, Rachel decided to take the elevator up to the fifth floor and to not walk up the flight of stairs, which was part of her fitness program, usually.

The petite woman got ready for bed again and gratefully slid back under the covers. It did not take ten minutes and she was asleep. Quinn prepared a little soup and some tea that she filled in a thermos to keep it warm.

Rachel woke up after a two hour nap and groggily padded into the bathroom. When she came out, she found Quinn standing at the counter, her head bent over some sheets that lay in front of her. Curiously the brunette stepped closer.

"Hey," Quinn greeted her girlfriend and smiled. Rachel gave a short wave with her hand as answer and pointed wordlessly at the papers.

The blonde lifted the pages and Rachel saw that it was sheet music.

As Rachel clutched a blanked around her shoulders with both hands, she just mouthed the words. _For your concert?_

Catching Quinn's questioning look she just repeated the last word. _Concert?_

That Quinn understood and nodded and signed: _Yes. Our director decided to take up one more song._

Rachel nodded. Under other circumstance she would have asked which one and if she could have a look at it, but right now she just felt like sitting or lying down again. She ambled over to the living room as Quinn turned to warm up the soup. Rachel dropped on the couch and cuddled up in her blanket, content to watch her girlfriend fiddling around in the kitchen.

As Quinn stirred the liquid content in the pot while it heated, she noted how insecure she had felt reading the words from Rachel' lips. It seemed to her much more difficult than reading signs and it took a lot of concentration to see the slightest movements and formations of the speaker's lips and tongue. As Rachel now mostly spoke or at least signed, it was something that Quinn was not really used to. She was sure that with practice it would get easier, but still, she had underestimated the real difficulty.

The soup was hot enough so Quinn walked over to Rachel, balancing a bowl and a spoon on a little tray with a steaming cup of tea.

Carefully, Quinn placed it in front of her girlfriend on the couch table.

_You want to eat it here?_ She signed when she had her hands free again.

Rachel nodded. _Yes, that's fine, thank you._ _Smells good._

Quinn got her own bowl and plopped down on the floor opposite of Rachel, joining her in this Spartan late lunch.

_Honey, I have to leave in an hour for my show. You want to stay here on the couch and watch a movie or do you want to go back to bed?_

_I think I'll go back to bed. Thanks for cooking. I really do hope you don't catch a cold._

_Well, if so, you'll have to get better quickly and then take care of me. It's just that easy,_ Quinn signed back.

"'kay," Rachel managed to croak which earned her an immediate reprimand from her girlfriend.

_No talking! Rest your voice._

Rachel drew her eyebrows together and pouted when she answered with her hands, moving them through the air in front of her _._

_I want my voice back. It's so much easier if I can talk at least._

_I know sweetie. But the more you stay silent, the quicker you'll get better._

Rachel laid down her spoon again to comment.

_I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!_

While taking another mouthful of the tasty vegetable broth with some carrots and small little pasta letters, Rachel thought about her own words. Funny. Before she met Quinn she had not talked for days or weeks at a time. Now she found it difficult to stay silent just for three days.

The only people she still refused to talk to were her dads – with the small exception of Hiram's last visit. She really needed to discuss her situation with them and she needed to see that they really _wanted_ to understand how she felt, before she could take a step towards them. She wanted to know that they were also willing to make it easier for her and were considering her wishes. Then, and only then, she would also try to make it easier for them.

Thinking about her dads and going home for the season festivities reminded her of the discussion with Kurt.

_Quinn, when did you plan to get back to Lima for Christmas? Did you plan to go back at all? Kurt has asked me and depending on all our schedules maybe we can plan the trip together._

The blonde nodded and swallowed the spoonful she had just ladled into her mouth before answering.

_Yes, I have my concert on the twenty-first, another show on the twenty-second and twenty third. Then I am free until the twenty-ninth. So we could leave on the twenty-fourth early in the morning._

Rachel nodded, taking another spoon full of soup. That would be fine for her. She had not planned anything yet and was ready to adjust to Quinn's much more rigid schedule. She noticed Quinn moving her hands again iand looked back up from her bowl.

_If you don't want to go earlier, that is. You don't have to stick around just because I have to work so much. I know Hanukkah starts earlier and that you used to celebrate that with your dads._

Rachel shook her head. _No, that is okay. This year the start of Hanukkah falls exactly on the 24th of December, so that fits perfectly. Besides I don't feel like spending too much time with my dads, currently. Not until we have resolved this issue between us._

_I can understand that. We'll manage, Rachel,_ Quinn assured her and reached across the table to squeeze her arm lightly. _Would it be ok to get back to New York on the twenty-eighth if you don't want to stay for the full eight days of the festivities?_

Rachel nodded. _Yes. That 's enough._ The shorter the better anyway, she thought to herself.

_Ok. I guess it should give us enough time to hang out with our families and friends anyway,_ Quinn stated.

Rachel only nodded at that, a slight uneasy expression on her face.

_Sorry, I didn't want to impose. I guess meeting old friends might not be something you are looking forward to._

Quinn watched her girlfriend play pensively with a piece of carrot in her bowl before she answered.

_No, I … I'm not sure about that at all._ _We - the old Glee Clubbers - have always met over the past years, those of us who were back in town over the holidays, anyway. I had always hoped to see you there as well, but you managed quite well to stay out of my way,_ Rachel signed with a little smile. Though it vanished when she thought that even though Quinn would be there this year, she herself would not be able to enjoy the meeting the way she used to. _I'm not sure I want to go to the reunion this year. Maybe I'll decide spontaneously._

Quinn tilted her head slightly, gazing at Rachel's face, guessing where the sad look came from.

_Did you organize anything special when you all met?_

Rachel shrugged. _We always met in our old choir room at the school and Mr. Schuester suggested a topic and we would then get up in an impromptu jam session with all the songs we knew that could fit the theme._

Quinn stilled Rachel's hand and asked for a sign she had not understood.

Rachel repeated it slowly and tried to say it aloud, despite the vow of silence she had given. But feeling the scratching in her throat she gave up and finger spelled her explanation. _J-A-M S-E-S-S-I-O-N._ Seeing Quinn nod her understanding she continued signing.

_Everyone brings food and drinks. It's really nice._ She paused for a second. _You were missed by everyone._ She added, raising her eyebrow a little, indicating that there was at least one person who had missed her _a lot._

_It was hard to stay away,_ Quinn admitted. _Sounds like you really had fun._

Santana and Brittany had told her about the jam sessions as well and every time her heart had felt very heavy at skipping the meetings, but she had not found the courage to go and face Rachel. She rather missed out on all the fun with her old friends, using a lame excuse about a family celebration, not wanting to explain the real reason of her staying away.

Pulling herself away from her own thoughts, Quinn noticed how Rachel's eyes started getting glassy and a tired look appeared on her face.

_Maybe we should get you back to bed soon, what do you think? You look exhausted._

Rachel nodded. She ate a couple more ladles of the soup and then laid the spoon aside.

"Ugh." _My whole body aches. This is so annoying._ She added signing after having received another reproachful look from Quinn at the sound crossing her lips. Rachel rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. She was not going to talk; the burning in her throat was uncomfortable enough. Still, she could not hold back teasing Quinn about it.

_What will you do if I start talking in my sleep?_

_Wake you and tell you to shut up,_ Quinn answered with a crooked smile.

_Very considerate, thanks_. Rachel made a funny face at Quinn before sneezing three times, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose noisily. Then she slowly pushed herself off the couch and made her way around the table. Quinn got up as well and followed her girlfriend into the bedroom, bringing another cup of tea and a glass of water to place it next to her on the night stand.

She sat on the bed and gently stroke some strands of hair out of Rachel's face.

_I'll have to leave in twenty minutes, but I'll be back soon. If you feel worse or need anything, text me. I'll leave my phone with one of the extras and they can alert me if it is something urgent. Don't play the brave one, ok? Let me know if you need me._

Rachel nodded weakly; she found it very sweet how concerned Quinn was.

She managed to sit back up and let herself fall against the blonde's chest, resting her head below Quinn's collar bone. With on hand she pointed at herself, then with the bent index finger firmly down and then at Quinn.

She felt Quinn chuckle.

Leaning back she watched Quinn ask: _Need me already? I haven't even left._

Rachel nodded, putting on a very pitiful face, which provoked another smile from Quinn. But not wanting to make her feel bad for leaving her, Rachel quickly added:

_No, don't worry; I'll be fine. Really. And if you want to stay at home, that is ok, I understand!_

Quinn placed a finger on Rachel's lips and shook her head.

_Rest now. See you later._

Quinn watched Rachel scoot back under the covers. Then the brunette kissed her fingertips and blew her the kiss, her eyes already half closing.

_Love you, too, sweet,_ Quinn smiled and got up. With one last glance at the bed she stepped outside and cleaned up the dishes.

Sitting in the cab on her way to the theater, Quinn noticed that she felt like something was missing. She could not quite place it but there was a little hole inside of her and she had no idea what had caused it. She thought back to the afternoon and then it dawned on her.

Finally, she realized how much she missed hearing Rachel's voice. And how she had almost taken it for granted all these past weeks. She made a mental note to tell Rachel how much she really appreciated hearing her speaking every day.

It had just been half a day that Rachel had been condemned to silence by her doctor, but still. With Rachel usually talking, they had at least half a normal conversation and it was so much easier and comfortable for Quinn. Immediately, she felt guilty for that thought. And remembering the short moment of confusion when she could not read Rachel's lips brought her back to the reality of the situation. This was how Rachel must feel all the time. If people were talking around her, she had to try to guess what was being said and was probably only able to guess one or the other word. It doubtlessly was really exhausting trying to figure out what was being said all the time without the help of signs.

In the beginning of their relationship, Rachel and she had written down a lot, but even though this was a little more inconvenient than signing, it allowed for a literal transcript of their thoughts and feelings. That was something both still had to work on with ASL, as it was a different method of expressing oneself. It was not so much that it did not allow for expressing exact feelings or thoughts, it was just that the approach was different and it took some time getting used to it. It was more an interpretation than a literal translation. And it was more difficult having to learn it as a hearing – or former hearing person – being used to the spoken language and its own syntax and phrasing, trying not to "translate" every word literally.

She loved Rachel with all her heart and was sure she would never love her less, but sometimes it was a bit exhausting having to think all the time about what was appropriate and what was not, in order to not hurt Rachel's feelings. It was not so much that Rachel asked all this consideration of her directly, but Quinn's strive for perfection demanded that from herself. Rachel had told her once that she was entitled to make mistakes and Quinn knew that her girlfriend would be the last person to not forgive her. But she did not want to make a mistake. She did not want to be the reason for Rachel's hurt.

Still, sometimes Quinn just wanted to open her mouth and be able to tell Rachel all the things that she felt and thought; without having to think about the choice of every word and how to phrase it. She had gotten better at it and had to think less and less about the signs, but it still needed all her concentration.

She wanted to hold her girlfriend in her arms and whisper something into her ear. She wanted to tell her how beautiful she was while she made love to her and wanted to caress her with her own voice.

At that moment, Quinn felt robbed of her own voice more than ever. It was a selfish thought, as Rachel had been robbed of much more, but she couldn't fight it, as much as she wanted. And then all the other unfair wishes came back. She wanted to carefree sing songs with her girlfriend while cooking, she wanted to read the favorite passages from her beloved books to her; she wanted to sing to her during her concert. She just fucking wanted Rachel to be able to _hear_ her.

Quinn balled her fist and pressed it against her thigh as she looked out of the window from behind her sunglasses.

The injustice of it all came crushing back. And the blonde had no idea why all of a sudden. She had to bite her tongue to will the tears back down. The blonde hated herself for these thoughts at that moment. They were unfair, even though natural. Kurt and Carmen had told her that it was only natural to grieve for this loss also as a partner or relative of the person who had become deaf. That it was necessary even. But she just felt not entitled to do so.

She, Quinn Fabray, had to be strong. Yes, Rachel had told her that this was not true, that she could not always be the strong one, but _Quinn_ demanded that from _herself_. It had been part of her upbringing to always do the right thing and be fucking perfect. To never be weak and to never show weakness. The one time she had slipped, she had felt the consequences dearly. She had lost everything back then: Her parents, her home, her reputation, her beloved Cheerios uniform. And she would be damned if she would lose again now what was so important to her. She could not risk making the mistake to offend or hurt Rachel and in the course lose her again.

Despite feeling so devastated, she heard Rachel's words in her mind.

_Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear. Promise me to talk about this in the future right away. Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride._

Quinn had promised. She should not break that promise, much as it went against her own wish to be perfect.

Imagining the sound of her lover's voice in her head was like a soothing balm that washed over her.

Quinn realized what a great gift it was that her girlfriend still preferred to express herself vocally. She loved hearing Rachel's voice and her laughter and at that moment she was so grateful that she was still able to hear that. And she missed it terribly.

Now she understood what it meant not being able to listen to the other person's voice and only be dependent on signs completely. That was something that Rachel had to face every day.

It sucked.


	36. Chapter 36

**I don't own Glee or its original characters.**

**Thank you Sole's stories for your corrections and feedback. You raised good points. And sorry for being annoying with my repetitive mistakes!**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 36**

Rachel's cold luckily wore itself out quicker than they thought it would and after a couple of days of rest and pampering from her girlfriend she was back to her old self. Quinn survived the cold streak without catching it herself, despite staying with her girlfriend and cuddling with her in bed or on the couch. They postponed the kissing though, which meant they had a lot to make up to after Rachel pronounced herself fit again. The brunette was so relieved when the three days speaking ban was lifted and Quinn allowed her to talk again.

Even though it was really hard for Quinn to communicate in absolute silence with Rachel, the blonde had been extremely adamant about her staying silent.

Rachel herself wondered how it would be to finally use her voice again. When she tried, it felt like before she got sick and she had the impression that it did not cost her as much as before to speak up.

Quinn assured her that she sounded almost as good as before and it filled the former cheerleader with absolute joy and love to hear Rachel's voice again. The three days of silence had been a good lesson to not take Rachel's speaking for granted again and she let her girlfriend know how much it meant to her over and over again until Rachel told her to stop.

The brunette was pleased to hear it, but then again, she was just _talking_. Yes, granted, it had been a big deal some months ago, but now it seemed kind of… normal. At least around Quinn and her friends.

_You have no idea what your voice does to me_. Quinn told her earnestly one morning when they were still lying in bed. Rachel had just woken her up with a nibble at the blonde's sensitive ear love and a half-whispered love confession.

"So what does it do?" Rachel asked with a gleam in her eyes, slowly tracing her forefinger down Quinn's slender throat, down to her chest, twirling it lightly around her left breast.

She watched Quinn catch her breath, gripping her wrist to stop its further advance along the sensitive parts of her body. Rachel stilled her hand, but continued to talk in a husky voice, bending closer to Quinn's ear.

"I'd much rather let my fingers trail further along your naked skin. Then let them wander slowly across your breast. I might follow with kisses down your neck, slowly making my way down your body. Reaching your legs, I might linger for a moment with my tongue on your most sensitive spot, until you beg me to take you."

Quinn felt Rachel's breath tickle her ear and throat and had to swallow hard and dry. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to get her breathing under control.

When she opened them again, she saw Rachel smirking because of the erect nipples under the blonde's pajama top.

It did not take long for both of them to discard their clothes. Rachel was careful to accompany _every_ kiss she placed on Quinn's body with a husky comment to make sure her girlfriend had double the amount of pleasure.

At that moment Quinn did not know what was better, the soft lips, the tongue or the voice caressing every inch of her body. Well, she did not have to decide. She loved all of it and let herself fall into the feeling of being carried away by her girlfriend's touch. She reveled in the sound of the brunette's voice that enveloped her like a warm blanket and she knew that none of her former lovers had ever managed to cause that kind of physical reaction just with their voices. But with Rachel it had a certain additional appeal. In combination with her caresses Quinn quickly forgot her surroundings and let herself be carried towards her climax.

… … …

Over the net days Rachel thought about her upcoming birthday and decided that it would be nice to have her friends over for dinner to celebrate a bit. Quinn agreed with her idea, but of course had plans of her own for that special day.

One and a half weeks later, December eighteenth, Quinn carefully balanced on one foot and with her other one nudged the door to the bedroom in her apartment open. Slowly, she stepped into the room and lovingly gazed at her sleeping girlfriend. Under normal circumstances she would have woken her up with a happy birthday song. Considering she had to rouse her with different means, Quinn carefully carried a cake with lit candles in her hands and set it on the dresser, which she had decorated with roses and rose petals sprinkled across the surface. She took one flower out of the vase, dried the wet tip and laid it on the bed next to her still sleeping beauty. Quickly she undressed and placed herself gracefully next to her girlfriend, took up the flower and slowly and gently waved it in front of Rachel's nose.

It took the sleeping woman a moment to become aware of the smell, but then a smile spread across her features until her consciousness reached the surface. Slowly, she opened her eyes to find her most favorite hazel orbs smiling at her. From there her eyes dropped to the source of the nice scent that had woken her up.

"Oh." Was all that escaped her lips, before Quinn's mouth covered hers in a passionate kiss.

_Happy birthday!_ Quinn mouthed after she broke away. Then she sat up and in a bold and spontaneous moment and started singing and signing in parallel.

"Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday, my lovely darling,

happy birthday to you!"

Rachel chuckled and sat up as well, taking the beaming face in front of her into her hands and kissed the soft lips again.

"Thank you, sweetie, this is…" she interrupted herself as she fully noticed the candles and the cake on the dresser. She scrambled out of bed and stood in front of the edible prove of love from the blonde. "Oh, Quinn, did you bake this just for me?" she looked over her shoulder and saw Quinn answer with a nod.

Rachel turned back to her cake and closed her eyes, making a wish. Then she quickly held her hair back before bending down to blow out the candles.

Carefully, she broke off a little piece of the baked good and took a bite. The lemon cake was soft and had just the right consistency, so it almost melted on her tongue. It was not too crumbly and dry and not too soft or doughy. The white sugar coating also tasted like lemon.

Just perfect.

"Hmmmmm," she hummed while she slowly swallowed.

She broke off another piece of cake and turned around, ambling over to the bed where she let her eyes rake greedily over the naked glory sprawled on the bed.

"Don't know what is more delicious, the cake or the sight in front of my eyes." She placed a little piece on Quinn's stomach and held another piece in front of her girlfriend's mouth, who eagerly took it with her lips. Rachel slowly licked up the crumbs off Quinn's naked midriff, making the blonde wince in the process.

This was already a wonderful start for her birthday, Rachel decided. She was excited about what the rest of the day would bring.

Quinn only hoped that what she had planned for her lover's special day would make her happy and that she was up for a little celebration with something for the eyes and later something with a lot of "noise" and vibrations.

It had not been difficult for Quinn to come up with ideas for Rachel's birthday. The actual challenge had been to adapt her plans to Rachel's needs. Under normal circumstance Quinn would not have doubted that her plans would be received with enthusiasm, but as it was, she was not so sure if she had thought about everything and had anticipated every eventuality. She wanted this to be the perfect day for Rachel. She wanted her to enjoy every part of it without having to miss out on anything.

Quickly the blonde was pulled from her musings by the brunette boldly claiming her body with her tongue, teeth and hands. Under this treatment it was hard for Quinn to keep a hold on any clear thoughts.

After slowly and tenderly making love to each other – which involved also some more of the delicious cake - Quinn contently dozed in Rachel's arms, enjoying the tender stroking of the petite woman's hand on her back, while the brunette lay wide awake.

Rachel was content to watch her girlfriend fall asleep after a little while, letting her fingers dance across the blonde's luminous pale skin. The brunette followed the traces of her own darker hand with her eyes as she drew nice little patterns on Quinn's body.

After a while though Rachel started getting restless.

She felt _that_ urge again.

That urge that still came and went once in a while as it pleased. That urge, which always threatened to steal all her happiness that she so painstakingly had found again over the past months. This ache had surfaced less over the past weeks, but it was still there. And now it threatened to overwhelm her again.

_Not today, please, not today,_ she thought.

Clenching her teeth, Rachel slowly pulled her arm out from Quinn's neck and got up. Quickly, she dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater and wandered out into the living room area. Aimlessly, she walked back and forth, trying to find something that would distract her mind. She guessed that the little episode with Kurt had triggered this new bout of _longing_. She so damn longed to sing that she felt like her chest would explode. She needed a distraction, some kind of release.

Now.

Finally her wanderings brought her to a stop in front of Quinn's stereo. Rachel had never looked at it closely, much less checked out the CD collection that Quinn had. Funny, how her friends still collected those discs in the era of MP3 downloads. But she had to admit, it had always had a special appeal to look at the cover and to read the lyrics that were printed in many booklets while listening to the music.

Slowly, the brunette let her eyes rake over the CD cases. It reminded her of that evening at Kurt's, only that Quinn was not as picky about her stuff as her friend.

Her gaze fell onto the Sennheiser headphones that lay on top of the stereo, still plugged in from when either of the other two women had listened to some music. Rachel lifted her hand and then stopped. She just stared at the headphones.

Then she started wondering.

After another moment, she turned on the stereo and pressed the play button on the CD player. Rachel had no idea what was playing, but then saw the cover underneath the headset. It was a Jay Z CD. The one that featured one of her favorite songs, _Empire state of mind_.

Slowly and as if her hands moved on their own Rachel reached out and took the headphones into her hands. Then she placed them on her head. Skipping to the fourth track she waited of a couple of seconds, and then tentatively turned up the volume. She knew she would not be able to _hear_ anything, but maybe she could at least _feel_ the beat. With a last hesitation she turned the knob with a swift motion all the way to the right.

And felt at that moment as if her head would explode.

All of a sudden, her whole upper body seemed to be filled with _sound_. She closed her eyes, reveling in the sensation. The vibrations of the bass and drums reverberated through her head and gave her the feeling of being at a concert, standing directly in front of the loud speakers. Without noticing it a small smile spread across her face and she started nodding her head with the rhythm. She was able to distinguish the change in tact and pace and found it so fascinating how this sound could be actually _felt_.

The beat was easy enough to follow, especially because she knew the song so well. She remembered Artie singing the lyrics and forgot for the fraction of a second that she could not really hear the music. Rachel closed her eyes and got lost in the intensity of the sensation that filled her. Her whole body seemed to be jam-packed with it. And as long as she did not start thinking about it, it seemed almost as if she could hear the whole song.

Santana entered the apartment, wondering why on god's earth Quinn was trying to ruin her hearing by listening to music at such a high volume. When she saw who was actually "listening" to it, the Latina stopped dead in her tracks.

Rachel was sitting on the floor; her knees propped up, her arms wrapped lightly around them, bobbing her head to whatever she was … hearing. The music was so loud that even from where Santana was standing she could make out which song was playing and she had to smile at Rachel's choice. She was wondering what the brunette was really experiencing. Could she _hear_ something? Or was it just the beat that kept her head nodding?

Santana debated whether to sneak off into her room, pretending not to have seen anything or to make her presence known. Santana chose for the latter. She switched the light on and off a couple of times before it registered with Rachel.

Still having her eyes closed it took her a while to notice the faint flicker through her eyelids.

She turned her head and spotted Santana.

_Hi Berry,_ the Latina greeted her without fuss and with the few signs she had already learned.

She did not finger-spell Rachel's last name, but made the sign for the fruit "berry". It had been her own idea and she had asked Carmen for the correct sign. Rachel had not commented it, but was secretly amused and pleased that Santana had gone through the motion of finding a "nickname" for her in ASL. Even though Carmen had explained to the Latina that a name sign would usually have to be picked by a deaf person and usually was _not_ referring to her or his last name, Santana was not to be deterred by the comment. And Rachel let her have it her way, because it created a personal connection between the former classmates.

The brunette reached up and pulled the headphones off her head, turned the volume down and with this gesture lamentably killed the whole sensation of sound that had just filled her.

"Hi Lopez, "she answered, her whole body still buzzing from the vibrations.

Santana only tapped her ear with her right forefinger, raising a questioning eyebrow.

Rachel shrugged. "I… I just," she did not finish the sentence and let out a long breath. Then she started again. "I was listening to _Empire state of mind_."

She saw Santana chuckle and then sign with her hands: _I heard that_.

"Oh!" Rachel bit her lip. "I guess, I, um, forgot how loud this could get if you crank it up all the way, even through the headphones."

The Latina smiled and just watched the petit woman. She felt the brunette had more to say and kept quiet.

Rachel shrugged. "I was just wondering how it would feel like. You know. The sound." And she gestured with both hands close to her ears, shaking them a little, to indicate the vibrations.

"And?" Santana prompted aloud when Rachel would not venture forth, trusting the brunette would be able to read that small word off her lips.

"And - what?" Rachel asked back.

Very slowly Santana tried to elaborate her question. Just like Quinn at the beginning, she had to think and concentrate a lot to remember the correct signs. But she tried and so far, after four lessons with Carmen, she had not given up yet. Rachel was really grateful for that gesture.

_And how did it feel?_

Rachel laughed a little. "At this volume – intense!"

_Good. Hold on to that feeling,_ the Latina nodded with a smile and then walked towards the petite woman who still sat on the floor.

"Oh, are you also going to tell me 'don't stop believing'?" Rachel retorted because Santana's last sentence had reminded her of the final verse of their New Directions signature song.

"Haha!" The Latina grimaced. _Very funny, Berry!_ She then added with her hands.

When the Latina stood in front of Rachel, the taller woman begged her with a gesture to get up. Then the brunette felt herself enveloped in a bear hug.

_Happy birthday, Rachel!_ The tall woman signed then and held up a finger to indicate that Rachel should wait for a second. The Latina dashed into her room and came back out with a gift bag, holding it out to her friend.

As Rachel took it, Santana pointed at the little card that was tied to the little cord handles.

_Dear Rachel, we wish you a happy birthday!_

_Hopefully, you have found a way to dream again and don't ever let that dream out of sight!  
In the meantime, enjoy a little sound massage._

_Hugs and kisses, xoxoxo_

_Santana, Kurt & Blaine_

"Aaaaw, you guys are sweet. Thank you." Then Rachel frowned. "But what is a sound massage?"

Santana just pointed at the bag.

As Rachel opened it and looked insight her breath caught.

She pulled out a large brass bowl and a funny looking drum stick of sorts. The stick was short and had a thick cylindrical end that was covered in felt. Rachel was not quite sure what to do with it and looked at Santana.

"Wow, the bowl is beautiful, but what do I do with – this?" She waved the drum stick.

The Latina laughed at the former diva's confused look and gestured for Rachel to follow her to the couch and to lie down.

Before Santana started the demonstration, she quickly scribbled an explanation on a piece of paper.

_This is a singing bowl._

"A singing bowl?" Rachel frowned.

_Yes. When you either hit the bowl with the drum stick or rub it slowly along the rim of the bowl, the whole brass starts vibrating and it gives of a hum in a different variety of sounds. The best thing about it is that it is used for massages as well._

She placed the bowl on the flat of Rachel's hand and first hit it slightly on the side. It gave of a low humming tune which the brunette felt in her hands.

"Oh!" She placed one hand on the side and felt the vibrations ebb away through her touch.

"This is nice. How does it sound? Do they all sound the same or do they have different sounds?"

Santana grabbed the paper again.

_It depends on the size and the thickness of the walls. The smaller the bowl, the higher the tone. This one has a warm, deep resonance. We chose one rather by touch than by sound,_ Santana offered a little shyly. _But luckily this one came with a nice resonance. Lay on your stomach._

Rachel had a doubtful look on her face but nevertheless she did as Santana asked her to. Then she felt the bowl be placed on the small of her back and as the Latina started doing _something_ with it, she felt the soft vibrations start spreading through her torso.

"Oh, this feels nice! Keep doing that!" Rachel sighed blissfully which made the Latina laugh.

After a moment Santana shifted the bowl a bit higher on Rachel's back and caused the petit woman to grasp in surprise.

"Wow, it feels like every cell in my chest is moving! But in a different way that what I experienced with the headphones. This is…. Softer, somehow, but still it feels like it reaches all the way down to my fingertips. This is great. Where did you get it?"

Santana stopped her movement to scribble her answer, but Rachel interrupted her.

"Tell me later, continue doing whatever you were doing," she then laughed and Santana did as asked, glad that their present seemed to be a success.

Quinn came out of the bedroom at that moment, still looking a bit sleepy.

"Hey, what's that noise?" She asked, before she saw what Santana was doing.

"It's our – Kurt, Blaine and my - birthday present to Rachel. Guess you also profit from it. It's a singing bowl…"

"Yeah, I know. I had once a massage with these things. They are great to relax. That was a nice idea!"

Rachel sensed that there was a something going on as the movements on her back seemed to become less rhythmic and unsteady, so she opened her eyes and lifted her head.

"Hey," she greeted her girlfriend.

"Hey. Enjoy your present?" Quinn signed while speaking aloud.

"I think she does. But maybe you want to take over?" Santana asked Quinn with a smirk.

The blonde looked at her blissfully grinning girlfriend and laughed. "Yeah, maybe I should."

They swapped places and Santana showed Quinn how to use the drum stick.

Rachel's eyes closed again. "Santana, where did you get this? This really is a very nice idea." Then she remembered that she had to open her eyes if she wanted to see the answer.

As Quinn's hands were occupied, Santana scribbled her answer down.

_A client of mine offers such massages and sells this kind of bowls. She brought one with her to one of our training sessions and showed me how they worked. And it felt so nice and relaxing that I though this could be a nice present for you._

"This must have been expensive."

Santana shrugged. _Don't worry about that. Besides, between the three of us it was ok. Enjoy your birthday. Have to leave again in half an hour, but I'll see you tonight for dinner._

"Okay, great, see you! And thank you again!"

Rachel had invited her friends for a birthday dinner that evening. Kurt, Jenna and Blaine had agreed to come and each would bring something to eat so Rachel would not have to cook the whole dinner. That was a nice gesture from her friends, she thought.

Then she focused back on the soothing massage she received and sighed blissfully.

After a little while, Quinn suggested that they move to their bedroom, so she could experience it on her naked skin. Rachel did not have to be asked twice about it.

She even offered to give Quinn some of the same treatment and both women switched back and forth, interlacing some other tender massage techniques.

At around noon, Quinn coaxed her girlfriend softly out of her embrace. They had cuddled together after finally putting the bowl aside and enjoyed holding each other in their arms. Rachel had her head on the blonde's chest and one hand on her lover's stomach while Quinn lay on her back and softly massaged her girlfriend's shoulders with one hand.

"Hey sweetie," she said softly while she tapped Rachel lightly on the shoulder.

"Hmmmm?" Came the reply, feeling the vibration in Quinn's chest, Rachel guessed that she had talked to her.

Quinn tried to position her hands so that Rachel could see them. This was a bit awkward as she had to loop her left arm around the other woman's shoulder. Rachel apparently did not seem inclined to move much and Quinn had to chuckle a bit.

_We need to get dressed and grab something to eat._

"Do we? I'm just so comfortable," Rachel mumbled and Quinn felt her jaw move on her skin.

_Yes. Unless you want to miss the next fun part of your birthday,_ Quinn teased her.

That provoked the intended reaction. The brunette lifted her head and looked at her.

"What part? What have you planned?" The excited gleam in her brown eyes made Quinn smile.

_Get dressed and you'll see!_

Rachel frowned. She was so curious and wanted desperately to know what her lover had planned.

"Ok. But what shall I wear if I don't know where I'm going?" She pointed out logically.

_Just whatever you feel like wearing today, something comfortable. No dressing up. Yet._

_Yet_? Rachel repeated the sign. "What else have you planned, Quinn Fabray?"

Quinn raised her head a bit and placed a kiss on her girlfriend's forehead.

_You will see. Now, we have to get going, otherwise we'll be too late, come on_ , and she shooed Rachel up and out of bed. Of course not without getting the appropriate grumbling from her girlfriend at rushing her so much.

They quickly wolfed down a simple sandwich before leaving.

While heading towards the front door of the building, Rachel tried again to needle their destination out of Quinn.

"Where are we going? It's my birthday. You have to tell me!"

The blonde shook her head with a mischievous grin. "No."

"Yes, you do! It's a birthday rule!" Rachel sulked. She hated not knowing things.

Quinn stopped and turned to face the brunette.

_A birthday rule?_ She asked with one signature raised eyebrow.

Rachel bobbed her head up and down. "Yes. The person whose birthday it is can wish for everything and all others have to comply." She stated confidently which drew a laugh from Quinn.

_Really?_ _Is that so?_

"Hmh! Yes, it is."

Quinn kept smiling, seeing little six years old Rachel in front of her, making everyone obey her wishes. It was kind of cute. She wondered if the obligatory stomp of the foot was coming if she stayed firm.

_You know, darling, that sounds like a rule you could impose on your dads, but with me, it's not working._

"But…" Rachel closed her mouth again and quickly calculated her next move.

"Ok, what if I refuse to come with you? If I just stay here?"

_Then you'll spoil your own birthday present and I'm still not going to tell you where we were supposed to go._

Quinn answered laughing and threw a challenging look at her smaller girlfriend who seemed to realize that she did not stand a chance here.

Rachel let her head hang low in a mock defeat. "Okaaaaay, fine. I'm coming.

Quinn placed a hand on the small of her back and pushed her slightly forward through the door. Outside she faced her again and stated: _If you behave, I'm going to tell you another secret tonight._

Rachel perked up at that. "Oh, you do? What is it?"

Quinn shook her head amused by Rachel persistence. _Tonight_.

Then she waved at an approaching cab.

They both scooted in and the blond gave the driver the direction. She deliberately turned her head so that Rachel could not read her lips, which the former diva noticed, of course.

"You're mean," the brunette stated and the playfull pout was back.

_I know,_ was all that Quinn answered with a smile.

* * *


	37. Chapter 37

**Glee and its characters belong to Fox Network.**

**Summer1234, thanks again for the insights you shared with me!**

**Sole's stories, again I am very grateful for your beta-reading and your thoughts! Still excited to write that one chapter we talked about, soon!**

* * *

**Chapter 37**

They rode silently through the streets of the city and Rachel watched the tall buildings fly by. Once they neared Central Park she turned to look at Quinn.

"Are we going skating?" she asked torn between excitement and worry. "I should have brought a thicker jacket."

Quinn shook her blonde locks.

_No honey. Don't you think I would have told you to bundle up if I had planned to spend the afternoon outside?_

Their destination loomed ahead and Rachel still did not catch on. Once the cab stopped, they got out and the brunette raised her head, looking at the tall building with the four huge columns flanking the arched entrance above the stairs. The whole structure was really beautiful and it was one of the first public buildings she had visited once she had settled down in New York.

"Are we going into the Museum of Natural History?" She turned and asked Quinn who joined her on the sidewalk after having paid the cab driver.

Quinn smiled. _Not quite._

She took Rachel's hand and tugged her along.

Rachel threw her other hand into the air and huffed: "Ok, I give up."

Quinn quickly turned and placed a kiss on Rachel's lips, smiling, absolutely raveling in the cluelessness of her girlfriend. With a jerk of her head she moved off again, pushing Rachel forward with a hand on the small of her back. The brunette started moving again, but not without giving off another comment.

"You are lucky that I trust you. That I don't think you're a serial killer who's gonna drag me off into the dark corners of the park to finish me off. Or that I think…" Rachel's rambling was interrupted by Quinn spinning round again, standing in front of the smaller woman, blocking her path. Her movement was so quick that Rachel could not stop in time and bumped into Quinn.

"Ooomph. A little warning would have been in order. What now?" Rachel asked with a frown.

Quinn ignored the question.

_To finish you off?_ She asked with a smirk, repeating Rachel's earlier words.

Rachel shrugged casually with one shoulder, throwing a challenging look at Quinn.

_I'd like to finish you off, but in a different way than you think,_ the blonde commented nipping then at Rachel's lips, letting a finger slowly trace along her girlfriend's jaw and throat. The tender touch caused the brunette to grasp and she involuntarily closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again, she saw Quinn sign another comment.

_But here is neither the right time nor the right place, and I have a present to deliver. So let's go!_ And she tugged again at Rachel's hand.

Rachel was still caught in the sensation of feeling Quinn's finger slide down her skin and her teeth on her lips. She let herself be pulled along, unable to say anything.

They passed the entrance of the museum and rounded the building entering 81st street. Before Rachel could ask any more questions, Quinn pointed to the glass encased structure. Underneath the glass façade loomed a huge sphere, around three stories high.

"The Planetarium? That's where we're going?" Rachel asked excited. "Oh, I love it! I haven't been there for ages. Even as a kid I have always loved the show about the stars, you know, the one where you sit in that round theater and they display the whole night sky above you on the ceiling?"

Quinn had to smile at the excitement Rachel exuded, short of skipping along the sidewalk next to her.

_You like the surprise?_

The smaller woman bobbed her head not taking her eyes off the building.

Then all of a sudden she stopped and turned to Quinn, her eyes dark as if a light had been switched off.

"Oh, but …what will we be doing there? It's not like … it's not like I can listen to the tour guide or to the descriptions of the star constellations in the movie theater."

The blonde gently cupped Rachel's chin and lifted her head. "Look at me," she said. When Rachel's eyes focused on her, she continued signing.

_Do you think I'd let you run through a normal tour?_

"No, I guess not," Rachel had to admit in a small voice. "Sorry, I was just … I guess, I was remembering last time I was there and I loved it so much."

Quinn placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's forehead.

_I promise you'll like it again._

At that moment a white flake settled on Rachel's nose and coaxed a smile out of the brunette. "Look Quinn, it's snowing! I had expected it to snow earlier this year, but it didn't until today! Oh! I love it!"

Rachel's joy about the snow was contagious and Quinn looked skywards and let the flakes fall onto her face. Sticking out her tongue she caught some and let them melt in her mouth. Laughing, the pulled on Rachel's hand and motioned towards the building.

"Right. Planetarium. Here we come!" Rachel smiled. "I hope it won't stop snowing in the meantime!"

They walked under the wide arch that marked the entry of the Rose Center for Earth and Space which hosted the Hayden Planetarium. Every time either woman stepped into the building they were impressed with the futuristic architecture of the whole construction. It almost felt like stepping into a space station looking out for the next ship to leave into orbit.

After depositing their coats at the wardrobe counter and collecting their tickets, Quinn and Rachel met an official guide who took them on a tour through the Space Center and Planetarium. There were another handful of visitors joining them in the excursion.

The guide – his name was Ben as his name tag indicated – talked and used sign language in parallel. Rachel was truly surprised; she had not known that the Space Center offered such a service. She understood most of the interpretations, but some of the specific terms were unknown to the brunette and she had to ask a few times to get an explanation.

Carmen had taught her the basic " _space_ " vocabulary, but they had only covered the topic superficially. Rachel knew the signs for some planets, and basics like _eclipse_ , _orbit_ and _universe_ , but anything else was still unknown to her.

Ben was very patient and finger-spelled the signs she had not understood or sometimes pointed at the respective word on a board behind him. There were high quality illustrated fiberglass boards with pictures and explanations hug at the walls or placed in front of the exhibits.

Rachel eagerly soaked up each new sign she learned and Quinn had to smile when she noticed Rachel repeat each one for herself, silently voicing the corresponding word with it. Quinn was not sure how much Rachel actually understood. Getting to know both ways of communication, she had the advantage of being able to compare the actual spoken words and the interpretations. As they walked from one exhibit to the next, she lightly pulled on Rachel's sleeve. The brunette turned towards her and Quinn posed her question:

_Can I ask you something?_

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "Yes, but why do you need my permission?"

Quinn bit her lip, and then cautiously formed the signs. _How much do you understand of what our guide is explaining?_

Rachel searched Quinn's face, wondering where that question came from.

"I get the context, most of it, anyway." She answered slowly. "Though I don't understand everything. The technical terms are a bit difficult to figure out and I don't want to keep asking all the time. It helps reading the explanation boards. That kind of fills the gap. Why?"

Quinn shrugged. _Just … wondering._

She saw the big brown eyes looking at her with an quizzical expression, trying to find the real reason behind the question. Then the blonde looped an arm around Rachel's shoulders and squeezed her lightly to reassure her before she started signing.

_I just don't want this to be too much of a burden,_ Quinn frowned slightly while her hands moved through the air.

Rachel looked confused. "What do you mean by that?"

_I mean that this should not be a work out or a sign language lesson. I just wanted this to be something fun and relaxing for you. And now I just realized that it's not. That you still have to work to figure things out. I'm sorry that I didn't think that far._

Quinn dropped her hands with a weary look on her face.

Now Rachel knew what was really eating Quinn.

"Quinn, for me every situation is like that. Every interaction with another person still costs me a lot of concentration. The more people the more difficult it is. Yes, it is exhausting at times, but please don't let that spoil the mood for today ok? Because I actually really love that stuff here and I still think this is a wonderful surprise taking me here."

Rachel kissed Quinn softly and with an imploring look she coaxed an "okay" from Quinn's lips. Then she noticed the group moving further away and indicated for them to follow.

"Come on, let's go."

A little later the tour ended in front of the doors of the sphere. Afterwards, Rachel had to admit that the best part was the film in the round theater where everything was projected above their heads onto the round cupola ceiling.

Rachel looked around and was surprised to see that despite it being a weekday in the early afternoon, the theater was still quite full. There was a school class with seventh graders who communicated in ASL amongst each other. Apparently, they had had another tour guide as the kids had not been in Quinn's and Rachel's group.

Settling back into the slightly reclined chairs, Rachel took Quinn's hand and laced her fingers through her girlfriend's. She had no idea how she was going to follow the explanations, when she saw subtitles appear at the lower part of the ceiling. Apparently, this belonged to the guided sign language tour. Gratefully she squeezed Quinn's hand.

"Do they always have the subtitles or is this just now?" She whispered in Quinn's direction.

Quinn made the sign for " _now_ ", moving both hands down in parallel, palms up, fingers bent, hoping Rachel could see it in the dark. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed her girlfriend nod and settled back into her chair.

Rachel followed the whole show with interest and was again captivated by the great display of the starry night sky that was projected above her head. It was so fascinating to watch the dusk and dawn in a time wrapper, to see how the stars shifted their position – well, she knew that it was actually the earth that moved – and was sometimes so lost in staring at the ceiling that she forgot to read the subtitles.

Quinn threw a glance at her girlfriend from the side and found it endearing how Rachel tried to soak up everything that was being shown.

At one point, Rachel remembered that they also used to play music in the background and asked Quinn if they still did it. She guessed so, because she felt some vibrations once in a while through the chair and in her chest.

Quinn nodded and Rachel thought that the audio visual track was probably not separated, so they would just run the "normal" film and add the subtitles if needed.

The movie lasted about twenty minutes and was over too quickly for Rachel's taste. But the best part happened at the end. Just before the lights came on, the cupola lit up again in the star sign of the Sagittarius and below appeared a text that most definitely did not belong to the original program.

_Remember the gold star._

_Happy birthday, Rachel!_

Rachel gasped and let out an "Oh no! You didn't!"

Quinn laughed and nodded to say _yes, I did._ And she was sure that Rachel was blushing.

The brunette leaned over and kissed Quinn, which caused some of the kids behind them to hoot and the blonde had to laugh, explaining to Rachel the reason for her mirth.

Then the lights were switched on and washed away the last trace of the night sky that just minutes ago had filled the air above their heads.

"Oh Quinn, that was great! I loved the show and the whole explanation of the constellations. On the next clear night we definitely have to check for some of the star pictures that can be seen now on the winter sky!" Rachel exclaimed as they walked towards the exit.

Rachel's enthusiasm lit Quinn's face up with a genuine and grateful smile. She was relieved and happy that her idea had been conceived with so much excitement, despite her worries.

_I'm glad you liked it!_ The blond answered modestly.

"Liked it? I loved it!" Rachel corrected her. She stopped and laid a hand on Quinn's arm. When the blonde turned around, Rachel pulled her into a tight embrace. Half whispering into Quinn's ear she said:

"Thank you for this wonderful present! But how on earth did you get them to display that text?"

Quinn shrugged. _One of the guys who works here - we met at Yale - still owed me a favor. And I thought that was the right time to cash it in._

"Oh, and you did it for me? That's so sweet!" And Rachel searched her girlfriend's lips again with her own to share a tender and loving kiss.

Rachel thought back to the birthdays that she had celebrated with one or the other boyfriend and even though the degree of personalization in the presents varied, none of them had come even close to what Quinn had given her. Yes, most of the presents had been nice, but not one of the guys had really thought beyond offering something that was just "nice". Was it because they had not loved each other enough to bother for more thoughtful presents or was it just a guy thing? Rachel did not want to generalize this as a gender thing; there were probably enough men out there who made beautiful presents. It was just that with her ex-boyfriends it had not 'clicked' as is had with Quinn.

Everything seemed to fall into place with her.

"Where did you get the idea of taking me to the planetarium?" Rachel asked. She could not remember that they had talked about it before. So she was genuinely curious what had made her girlfriend come up with this idea in the first place.

Quinn laughed and joked: _As obsessed as you were with putting a gold star behind your name every time you signed something, I figured you must like it here._

"I wasn't obsessed," Rachel mumbled.

_Yes, you were! You alone must have kept that little company alive that produced those little stickers,_ Quinn retorted.

"Oh, puh, yeah. Maybe. Okaaaayyyy... I was a teeny tiny bit obsessed with that."

Quinn raised an eyebrow.

"Ok, a lot! There I said it." Rachel then admitted chuckling. "At least I know I did a good deed and secured some people their jobs," she then stated and jutted out her chin.

Quinn had to laugh at that while Rachel started smiling and patiently waited for the real explanation.

"Sooooo…." She prompted her girlfriend again after Quinn would not offer anything further.

The blonde smiled bashfully before she took a breath and started signing again.

_Maybe it's a bit…_ She paused and then asked: _How do you spel y,_ using the finger alphabet for the last word. Rachel thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"I guess you just use the sign for cheese? Not sure. But I get what you want to say."

"Ok," Quinn answered and started signing anew.

_Anyway, I recently looked through some old high school stuff with Santana and we remembered how you always put a small gold star next to your name. So I just thought that..._ Quinn paused for a moment, before continuing, _…you know, you shouldn't lose faith in your dream. And after telling me that you would like to stay in the show business and try acting again, well, I thought a little reminder of "your star" would not hurt, metaphorically speaking. Told you it was a bit c-h-e-e-s-y._ She added.

Rachel stepped forward and cupped Quinn's face with both her hands.

"I ... Quinn, that is so sweet and so thoughtful and," she laughed, "yes, a bit cheesy, but such a unique present. Thank you so much!"

And she rose on her toes to place another kiss on Quinn's lips.

The blonde eagerly answered, relieved that the thought was so well received. Making their way towards the exit, the blond could not wipe the happy grin off her face. She absolutely liked how the day had progressed and how Rachel had loved all of her ideas so far. But most of all she liked the happy smile on her girlfriend's features.

When they left the building, the ground was covered in white and the flakes were still coming down, bigger and heavier than before. Rachel buttoned her coat and pulled on her gloves. There were already a good ten centimeters of snow on the ground. Every year, she was amazed at how quickly the snow accumulated within a relative short time frame once it started snowing. The petite woman let her feet slide through the white mass and then looked up at the sky with a wide smile.

"The first real snow this year!" She exclaimed excited spreading her arms, holding her palms up in the air. Blinking into the white swirling mass she laughed as it tickled her eyelashes.

Quinn thought in that instant that she had the most beautiful and gorgeous woman as her girlfriend. Rachel seemed so carefree at that moment, completely entranced by the snowflakes landing on her hands and face. It was a precious moment and all Quinn could do was soak it up and store the picture in her memory. She was glad that she could actually see Rachel so genuinely happy. Quickly, she fished her phone out of her pocket and snapped a photo to capture the moment.

After dropping the phone back in her bag, Quinn stepped closer and wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and kissed her passionately on the lips. Then she watched a large and perfectly shaped snowflake land on her lover's cheek which the former cheerleader could not resist to kiss away. Rachel crinkled her nose and smiled while ice crystals accumulated in her dark hair that peeked out from under the bonnet. The white snow against the dark hair created a beautiful contrast. Quinn could see the perfect shapes of the flakes and marveled at the beauty of what nature was able to create, even in small sizes.

Again, Quinn captured the brunette's lips in a loving kiss.

Rachel leaned back laughing, one hand holding her bonnet to prevent it from sliding off her head.

"What was that for?" Not waiting for an answer, she pulled Quinn at her hand and skipped a couple of paces until they were further away from the entrance. The blonde let herself be swept away and followed, giggling with her girlfriend like small school children.

Rachel looked on the ground and noticed what she was looking for. Carefully, she stepped off the path onto the patch of untouched snow and tread from one foot to the other.

Looking up she asked Quinn: "Does it make a noise? You know that crunchy sound when you first step on fresh snow. Can you hear it?"

The blonde joined her girlfriend in the untouched snow and mimicked her treading footsteps. Her head slightly tilted to one side, she listened. Meeting Rachel's expectant gaze with big brown eyes, she raised her hands.

_Yes, it crunches a little bit. Do you… do you remember that sound?_ She dared to ask.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I do. I started to notice that I sometimes automatically allocate the respective sound in my head to something I see."

Quinn thought about that for a moment. _Like what? What do you remember, besides music?_ She then asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged. "For example rain drops falling on the window, the sound that cars make when they drive on a wet street, the sound of a subway train when it arrives, the crunching of snow," she then smiled.

Quinn stepped a bit to the side where more untouched snow lay and slowly pressed her foot down. Looking back over her shoulder she saw Rachel watch her with her head tilted to the side, and expectant look on her face.

_Yes. It definitely has that crunchy newly-fallen-snow-sound when you step on it,_ Quinn stated smiling.

"Oh, good!" Rachel watched her girlfriend stomp around in the white mass a little more. "Can we take a morning stroll tomorrow if it will snow through the night, please? I'd love to take a walk in the snow, especially when it is still fresh and white!"

How could Quinn say no to those eyes that held her gaze and radiated such joy, excitement and happiness? She stepped forward and enveloped her girlfriend in an embrace, lifting her slightly, twirling her in a circle.

Rachel held on to Quinn and let out a small yelp before she started giggling again.

Landing safely back on her feet she gazed at Quinn. Those hazel eyes were full of love and at that moment, Rachel felt that no matter what, Quinn loved her truly and deeply. She placed a hand on Quinn's neck and pulled her close for a kiss.

"Oh god, I love you so much, Quinn. I love you so, so, so much!" Raising on her toes Rachel kissed girlfriend with undenying passion. She let her tongue explore, intensifying the contact more and more, showing her through that kiss how much she loved her; loved her for planning such a great birthday, loved her for accepting her, loved her for sharing silly moments in the snow, loved her for answering her questions honestly and caring.

Quinn answered eagerly in the same fashion, again being mesmerized by how much one kiss could communicate if shared with the right person, with your soul mate, when all kisses she had shared before, had merely been just that, kisses. With Rachel, they were so much more. They were promises, confessions, consolations, encouragements, means of communication and most of all proof of their love.

"Thank you for this day," the blonde heard a husky whisper close to her ear and it sent goose bumps along her skin.

Quinn leaned back a little, so Rachel could see her lips. "You're welcome," she answered simply, at a loss for more words, still being caught in the moment. She felt that Rachel understood that there was so much more behind those three words. As they held each other for a long moment in their embrace, the snowflakes were slowly drawing a white polka dot pattern on their clothes and hair.

Finally, they let go of each other.

_Let's go home, before you catch another cold, sweetie,_ Quinn suggested.

"'kay," Rachel agreed and took Quinn's hand in hers, walking side by side towards 81st street.

Reaching Central Park Avenue, they saw a traffic jam already forming due to the falling snow.

"Looks like we either have to walk back or take the subway." Rachel stated.

"Hm." Quinn looked pensive. _Guess so. But as I have something else planned for today, I want you to conserve your strength, so let's take the sub._

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "Planned something else? That sounds interesting, but you have already done so much for me today."

_Is there a limit on how many presents Rachel Berry can receive on her birthday_? Quinn teased.

"No, never!" Rachel laughed.

_Thought so!_

They arrived at home safely, snuggled up on the couch with a hot tea and warmed their cold hands on the cups.

"Sooooooo, what else have you planned for us today?" Rachel wanted to know, watching Quinn, who was carefully blowing on her tea to cool it down, from the side.

The blonde looked up and debated with herself what and how much to tell her. Then she decided that it might be only fair – considering the circumstance – to give Rachel at least a hint. She did not want her to feel uncomfortable and after all she was not a complete hundred percent sure if her idea would be good or not. Especially not after Rachel's comment at the Space Center that afternoon about having to make an effort in every situation.

Quinn bent forward and placed her cup on the table, before turning slightly towards Rachel. She looked at her for a moment, trying to find the right words.

"What? Is it that difficult to describe?" the brunette smiled.

Quinn slowly shook her head. _No._

"Then what? Come on, Quinn, I won't bite you, whatever it is. I promise!"

"Oh," the blonde stated almost disappointed. _I like biting, and nipping and licking and sucking_ she then added signing with a little smirk.

Rachel slapped her on the knee. "Pervert! Now tell me!"

_Ok. I want to take you out. A special place._

" _Another_ special place?"

_Yes._

"And you're not sure about that why exactly….?" She dragged out the last words and let her voice trail off in a question.

_I'm not sure because I don't know how you'll feel about that._

Rachel studied her girlfriend for a moment. She noticed the insecurity in her lover's eyes, but also the hope that she would like whatever the actress had planned. And she knew that Quinn would never deliberately try to harm or hurt her. Rachel placed a hand on the blonde's knee.

"If you think I might like it, then I won't ask anything else. I trust you."

_Big responsibility,_ Quinn sighed and swallowed.

"Yes!" Rachel laughed. "What do I need to wear?"

_Jeans, anything casual and nice._

"Nice? Nice as in sexy-nice or nice as in prude-nice?"

_Nice as in I want everyone to envy me for my beautiful girlfriend but don't want them to see too much of her best assets,_ Quinn described, trying to divert from the fact that she was still trying to figure out if all of it really was a good plan or not.

Rachel seemed to catch on to her uneasiness. Sometimes it was really creepy how she picked up on the smallest vibes, when Quinn was so sure she hid all her thoughts and emotions behind her schooled mask. But there was no fooling her girlfriend; much less that she was developing such good skills at observing and reading people.

"Listen, if you are so worried that I might not like it or feel uncomfortable, either you tell me about it now, or we agree that whenever I should get the feeling I want to leave we immediately do so. Would that work for you?"

Quinn nodded, then smiled shyly and a bit relieved. _Funny that you have to assure me about the whole thing, if it should be the other way round, actually._

Rachel shrugged. "You can't always plan for all eventualities, Quinn. I'll try and we see how it goes. As long as I know I theoretically have the possibility to bail at any given moment, I'll go wherever you are taking me."

In retrospect Rachel was surprised about herself and her answer. It seemed again that she had grown a little more, had gained a little more confidence and trust in herself to manage a new situation as well as in the people around her to support her.

Quinn nodded slowly. "Okay." _That sounds fair enough_.

"Good. Now wipe that frown off your face and smile!" Rachel ordered, gently wiping her fingers across her girlfriend's brow.

The blonde managed to erase the doubts from her mind and leaned into Rachel. She pushed a little with her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders while kissing her, until the other woman fell sideways on the couch, chuckling. Quinn noticed that Rachel smiled and laughed a lot that day. And it was not forced or false, it seemed genuine and honest. For the first time in a long time she seemed truly happy and almost carefree.

And that made one Quinn Fabray very, very happy.


	38. Chapter 38

**Usual Glee disclaimer...**

**Thanks again a whole lot to Sole's stories for beta-reading and patiently discussing and sharing ideas!**

**This is one of the longest chapter I have written so far. I shortly debated with myself to cut it in half, but then decided to post it as it is.  
**

**Enjoy!**

 

 

* * *

**Chapter 38**

Rachel, Quinn and Santana rummaged around the kitchen to get the table set and their contribution for the dinner ready. Shortly before the dinner guests arrived, Rachel's phone buzzed. As it lay on the kitchen counter, she did not notice it, but Santana was alerted by the sound. She waved to get Rachel's attention and then pointed to the device.

The brunette put the spoon with which she ladled the sauce over the casserole down and walked over to check the message. Her dads had sent her a text to ask if she were available on Skype so they could congratulate her.

Five minutes later she sat in Quinn's bedroom with her girlfriend's laptop and waited for her fathers to call. Soon both their faces filled the screen and Rachel almost had to laugh as both men tried to fit their heads in front of the camera.

"Hi Honey!" Hiram waved.

"Hey dad, daddy," Rachel answered and Leroy's face glowed at hearing his daughter's voice.

 _We want to…._ Leroy started to sign, then turned to his husband asking him something. Rachel narrowed her eyes and tried to read his lips, but as his head was turned, she couldn't see what he was saying. When Hiram showed him the sign for "wish", it was clear what he had asked.

 _We want to wish you a happy birthday, sweetie!_ And both threw some kisses at the camera.

_Can you feel our hugs?_

Rachel tilted her head, closed her eyes and pulled up her shoulders, smiling.

 _Yes, I can. Feels good. Thank you!_ She signed back automatically, then looked at her hands.

Funny how she still preferred to use sign language with her dads when with all the other people around her she used her voice.

 _Did you have a good day?_ Hiram asked then.

She nodded. "Yes." _Quinn took me to the planetarium, now we have some friends coming over for dinner,_ she added signing.

A text appeared next to her dad's faces. _Quinn took you where? What was that sign?_

Rachel slowly started to finger-spell the word P-L-A-N… then dropped her hand. "The Planetarium," she explained aloud and repeated the sign, watching her dads mimicking her movements.

Another line appeared. _Quinn took you there?_

It was clear that there were three million another question lying behind this one. Like, are you friends again? Why did she abandon you all those years ago? Why did _she_ take you to the planetarium? Have you told her that you loved that as a child? If not how did she get the idea? Were other friends there as well or just the two of you?

Rachel chewed on her lower lip and debated whether to finally tell her parents about her relationship with Quinn or not. It was almost three months now. Did she really want to do it via Skype and not tell them personally? Then again, if she told them now, they would have some time to digest the news until she came home for Hanukkah. And it would not need an explanation why Quinn would probably spend so much time at her house, the blonde's relationship with her family being what it was – distant, to say the least.

But this wasn't just going to be the plain "dads, I am in a relationship again" talk. This would be the - "dads, I fell in love with a woman and since this is not shocking enough it is not just any woman but the woman who always picked on me in high school and who abandoned me four years ago and who I have been in love with for the past nine years"- talk.

Sure, easy enough, summing it up like that.

Rachel let out a long breath.

Another string of words appeared in the text box.

_Ok, honey, out with it. What's wrong? You seemed kind of happy the past weeks when we talked. What happened? We feel a bit like hanging in the air. Not that we don't want to see you happy, it's just, we are wondering what or who makes you so happy._

' _Well, it's not you, still having to type the most basic things,_ ' Rachel thought and then with a bad consciousness pushed the feeling of disappointment aside.

"Ok, listen. This will probably surprise you, but….well, Quinn and I," Rachel looked at her hands as if they could explain her situation better. Then to her own surprise she felt tears stinging in her eyes.

 _What? Rachel, what's wrong? Did you two have a fight?_ The questions appeared rapidly one after the other on the screen.

Rachel waved her hands in front of her to ward of more concern. "No, no! Nothing like that. Actually, it's the other way around. Uhm," she sniffed, trying to stop the tears from falling.

Thinking about her dad's questions and how a happy day her birthday really had been, filled her heart with so much love for Quinn. Her girlfriend gave her something she had never expected to ever experience again. She felt full of joy, felt so loved and at least for some rare moments almost carefree again. This day she was able to focus on the moment and not on being deaf, like most of the time.

Seeing the worried faces of her dads, she had to laugh a little through her tears. "Daddy, dad, don't look so glum. This has been one of the best days of my life, recently. I'm not crying because I'm sad, but because I'm actually…kind of happy," she smiled.

 _Ok, that's good, isn't it?_ Hiram reassured himself signing.

Now Rachel really had to laugh. "Yes, it is good! And … Quinn is the reason why I feel like this." ' _Now, spill the beans, Rachel, you have ventured too far out to paddle back again_ ,' she encouraged herself. Taking a deep breath she felt the words rush out of her mouth, before she could swallow them.

"Quinn and I, uh, we fell in love with each other. Not just now… it was already a long time ago, but we only realized it just now. And when we met again by chance a couple of months ago, well, then it just kind of happened."

 _What happened?_ The written question as accompanied by two confused faces.

"Oh, um, that we kissed."

There, it was out. Rachel exhaled slowly.

Her dad's eyes went wide and they exchanged an astonished look. Then Hiram's fingers hit the keyboard.

_So you're saying you two are together?_

"Yes."

Rachel watched her dads closely. At first they did not move. For a short second Rachel thought the screen had frozen, but then the two men looked at each other and back at their daughter.

 _What do you mean, you fell in love a long time ago, how long ago are we talking about?_ Was the first and in Rachel's eyes not the most logical question that appeared on screen after breaking the news.

"Uh, about nine years…" she mumbled, knowing full well that this revelation would probably be hard to grasp.

"Nine years?" Leroy exclaimed - which was easy enough to understand by reading his lips.

Now some things fell into perspective for the two dads.

"Hmhm." Rachel simply answered, waiting if any other comment came. Then she prompted them after a moment.

"You don't have anything to say to the fact that … I'm in love with a woman?"

That seemed to wake her dads from their stasis.

"Honey, that is quite a revelation. Not that we are against it, it's just that we never thought you'd be …" Hiram's rambling was interrupted by his daughter waving her hands frantically in front of the camera.

"Dad. Dad!" Finally she had his attention. "I can't hear what you are saying. Remember? And you're talking too fast for me to read your lips."

 _Sorry, honey,_ he had the good grace to sign. _Got carried away._ The next comment appeared again on the screen.

_Yes, it is a surprise to us that you fell in love with a woman. It's just something we never really considered, we thought you were into boys, and that was fine with us. We can relate, you know :-)_

The last comment provoked a smile on Rachel's face.

_Honey, it is not important whether you fall in love with a man or a woman. The most important thing is to fall in love at all. To be able to find this one true and real love. The one that makes you happy and whole. In which body it comes disguised, you never know. So if Quinn is this love for you – even though we still need to get the details on how that happened – then we are happy for you!_

_This is all that we wish for you, that any parents wish for their children. To see them happy. And especially after all you have gone through, we are very glad to see you happy. (If we could we'd both squeeze you in a sandwich hug now, pumpkin!_

Rachel had to laugh at the last statement. For a moment she forgot her anger at her dads. This was why she loved them so much. They _could_ be understanding, encouraging and supporting.

Another line flickered across the screen.

_But nine years? Really? You were still in high school, then…_

That was a fact that her dads seemed to have to chew on, it seemed.

"Yeah. I know it sounds crazy. I guess we both didn't realize it then, but we know now that we were attracted to each other already then. Even though it caused some, uh, let's say strange reactions from both of us towards each other."

_Yes, you could say that. You know that we want ALL the details about this whole story when you're home, right?_

"Yes, I know! You'll get them, I promise. And, if that is ok with you, I'd like Quinn to visit us, so you get to know her. She has changed a lot from the high school girl you knew, though she still feels very guilty about her behavior then."

 _Well, we look forward to meeting her. If you are happy and you tell us that she is treating you right, then that is word enough for us. Tell her that she is welcome in our house,_ Hiram typed smiling.

Rachel let out a small sigh of relief. Not that she had feared her dad's reaction, but she was nevertheless glad having told them. It was good to know that she would not have to hold back on that part of her life anymore. This would make it easier to talk to them in the future.

 _Thank you. That means a lot to me. To us,_ Rachel smiled back while signing. She was about to tell them that she had to go to prepare the dinner for her guest, when Leroy typed something else. She waited patiently until the words appeared for her to read.

_Rachel, we didn't send you your present. I hope it is okay if we give it to you when we'll see you in a couple of days._

Rachel looked at the screen for a moment, not saying anything. She had not even thought about that. When she had still been living at home, she could not have received her presents early enough. Even as a teenager she had not had much patience to wait until her dads got up in the morning of her birthday. Often she woke them up what the two men felt like was in the middle of the night.

Mostly her presents had something do with music, obviously. A new microphone, a new recorder, a new camera, new sheet music, CDs, anything that had supported her growing talent. In more recent years they had usually planned a musical weekend, where they visited her in the city and went to see two or three shows or dramas on New York's stages.

Now she just felt uneasy trying to guess what her dads might have gotten her. It was not their fault that this part of her life was over, but she still felt the anger she thought she had a handle on surge up again. She couldn't stop the words before they were out of her mouth.

"You didn't have to get me anything. It would have been a nice present to have this conversation without the typing." She then added quietly: "Why can't you try to make it a little easier for me? I'm not asking to you be perfect in sign language, but I'd like to see you at least _trying_."

She watched as a look of guilt and hurt rushed over her father's faces. At that moment the bedroom door opened and a blonde head poked it.

 _Sorry for disturbing you. Can we put the casserole into the oven?_ Quinn wanted to know.

Rachel held up a finger to ask her to wait. Then she signed her good bye to her dads.

 _Have to go now, we'll have dinner guests._ She paused her hands for a moment, then forced herself to add the next words. _I'm sorry if my earlier comment came across a bit harsh._ She threw an apologetic smile at them. _Thanks for calling. I'll let you know what time we'll approximately arrive on the twenty-fourth._

She added a small wave and hardly waited until her fathers answered with their own good byes, still looking guilty and hurt. Rachel felt a bit bad of having spoiled their mood with her comment about the present, and that she had not even given them a proper chance to reply to that. But their whole inconsiderate behavior around her still stung and made it clear once more that she definitely needed to explain and discuss a lot of things with them.

On the other hand she was really relieved that they had taken the news of her and Quinn so well.

She closed the laptop and pushed it away. Quinn came in and sat on the bed, placing a hand softly on Rachel's right cheek. The brunette leaned into the touch, then turned her head and kissed her girlfriend's palm.

 _You ok?_ Quinn asked.

"Yes. I told my dads about us."

"Oh." _How did they take it? You don't sound happy._

"Oh no, don't worry, they were absolutely ok with it. Came as a bit of a surprise, obviously, but all in all they took it in stride," she smiled for Quinn's benefit and to reassure her.

 _Why do you look so sad then?_ The blonde wanted to know.

Rachel shook her head wanting to shake off the whole topic, but could not quite manage it.

"Just that whole signing thing. We talked for fifteen minutes and they managed to sign five sentences. Five! And even that took them forever. It's been how long? Nine months? I just don't get it, Quinn. Really, I don't. I'm their _daughter_! Isn't that the least they could do for me?"

 _Yes it is._ Quinn placed a hand shortly on Rachel's leg before she continued signing.

_I think your dads still need to get to know you again, need to learn to deal with this whole situation. All of this has changed you, and it is hard for them to understand how to act around you if they don't see you every day. In fact, you haven't spent any time with them personally except for that one short visit from your dad that day when I came over, or have you?_

Quinn watched Rachel's eyes darken.

"No."

_I know you might not like to hear this, but try to put yourself into their shoes for a moment._

Rachel rolled her eyes a bit, but let her girlfriend continue.

_Your dads just know their former life with you, when they had you living with them for almost eighteen years. Even when you moved to New York, you still were close._

Rachel cast her eyes down and fiddled with the blanket for a moment, before she concentrated back on her girlfriend.

_Now they have no idea how you deal with all this. They don't know half of the things you have accomplished these past months. They didn't see how you moved forward. Your dads are still stuck at the point where you sent them back home to Lima. They are missing half a year of your life, Rachel._

Rachel bit her lips. There was some truth in Quinn's words.

"But you learned signing so quickly," she muttered under her breath.

 _Yes, Rachel, because I spend every day with you,_ Quinn smiled. _I experience so many things with you. This makes it so much easier for me to understand, learn and adapt. Your dads don't have that advantage. They just see you once in a while via Skype. And even then you don't really told them much about you._

Rachel turned her head and looked away. Then she felt Quinn's gentle hand on her chin, coaxing her to focus back on her.

_Maybe you should reach out to them and bring them up to speed. This might also change their attitude. Because they would not see sign language as something that holds you back, but as a tool that helps you interact so much more._

Then Quinn made a bold suggestion. _Maybe we should invite them to visit us here after the holidays. Then they can see you how you interact with all your friends and how your life has changed so far._

The "yes" came very quietly over Rachel's lips. Quinn watched the emotions race across her girlfriend's features and gave her the time she needed to collect herself. She laid a reassuring hand on the brunette's knee.

Even though Rachel had indeed started to enjoy doing things with her friends again, she knew that she still had a long way to go to fully come to terms with her situation, if ever.

This accident had been so senseless and the man who caused it got away without many injuries. Why did she have to pay such a high price for some guy's carelessness? She had tried to not dwell on these thoughts, but they were still there. She had pushed them away, telling herself that there was nothing she could do about it anyway. Apparently, not dealing with these thoughts and feelings caused some part in her to react with this resentment towards her dads.

In a way her two fathers and their awkwardness around her stood as a representative of all she had lost. Hiram and Leroy had been her greatest supporters when it came to fulfilling her dreams and her career, they were the closest people she had in her life. Losing her dream had led to losing the connection with her parents as well in a way. They just felt as lost as she did.

She was not fair to her dads, Quinn was right. But life was not fair to her either.

It has just been nine months and learning to accept and to live with such a disability was anything but easy. It was a daily trial to be surrounded by so many hearing people if you were the only one who was deaf. The fact that most of them were also living the life Rachel still longed for so much was another challenge.

Since her friends were honestly trying so hard to help her, she could not really let out her anger at them. So her dads' insensitivity served as the trigger to vent some of it towards them. Just to give it all a face, something or someone tangible she could lash out at, even though nothing of this was their fault.

Quinn could not read Rachel's exact thoughts, but she had her own feeling about the reason why she reacted so harshly at her dads. The blonde did not know it, but her intuition told her almost the same of what Rachel had just found out herself.

After letting her girlfriend mull over her own thoughts for a moment longer, Quinn figured Rachel had pondered enough over this topic. They still had time to discuss this over the next days, her birthday was not the right time to get her spirits down. For now a distraction was in order.

_Come, on, sweetie! I'm sure it will help the whole situation when we talk to your dads when we're home for the holidays. Ok?_

Rachel nodded and Quinn placed a kiss on her soft lips. _Now, put that smile back on your face and let's enjoy the rest of your birthday._ The blonde got up and tugged at Rachel's hand. _Come on!_

The reassuring gesture brought indeed a smile back on the brunette's features and she let herself be pulled out of the room.

They finished preparing the dinner and shortly after that Kurt and Blaine already arrived. Blaine seemed a little more comfortable this time addressing Rachel. He had brought a notepad where he had already written something down.

_Happy birthday, Rachel! I hope you had a nice day and I hope you like our "sound machine" :-). Santana asked us if it was ok to already give it to you without us. We figured you had some time today to enjoy it._

Rachel smiled at him "Yes, thank you. I loved it. It was a very nice present."

Then she was enveloped in a bear hug by Kurt who swirled her in a circle a couple of times which made Rachel squeal in surprise. She had to hold on to his arm as he put her down again, because she had gotten a little dizzy.

 _Sorry, didn't want to make you fall. Happy birthday, girl!_ Kurt grinned while signing.

"I'm fine, don't worry. Thank you, too, for my present. We tested it already. It feels sooooo good," she then laughed.

Quinn came over and hugged her girlfriend from behind, saying "I got to try it on her the whole afternoon." The blonde stretched her arms forward so that her hands rested in front of Rachel's chest and signed the phrase again for her.

"Hm, yeah. That was really nice," Rachel sighed and leaned her head back against Quinn's shoulder.

Kurt clapped his hands together. "Enough of the lovy-dovy stuff, you have some hungry guests standing here," he then joked.

Rachel chuckled. "Sorry, why don't you give me your salad, thanks for bringing that by the way!" She lifted the bowl out of Blaine's hands. "Take a seat, we'll get you something to drink. Food will be ready soon. We just have to wait for Jenna."

"Sounds good."

Rachel turned towards the kitchen to deposit the salad on the counter.

Santana just came around the corner of her room, her mobile in her hand. "Guess we can already start, Jenna is still at rehearsals. She'll meet us later at the club." Santana sounded a little disappointed, her head still bent over the phone.

Rachel saw Quinn saying something in answer to Santana's comment. She did not know what the Latina had said, because no one had interpreted it for her and she was not facing Santana. And she still had a hard time asking, because it made it so obvious that she was left out. But _not_ asking also meant that she would stay out of the loop. Rachel felt her spirit drop a degree. She did not want that and she knew that her friends did not leave her out deliberately. Things like that just happened.

It still stung.

Busying herself, she checked the food in the oven and found it to be ready. Pulling the hot form out, she then placed it on top of the stove. Looking around, she found the coaster and placed it on the table.

Rachel felt her phone buzz in her pocket and pulled it out. It was a message from Jenna, telling her that she would not be able to join them for dinner, because of prolonged rehearsals. She wished her a happy birthday and would try to make it up to her. She felt bad for canceling at such short notice.

"Oh." Rachel looked up and found Quinn's eyes on her. "Jenna is not coming, she is stuck at the theater," Rachel explained a little disappointed.

Quinn and Santana exchanged a quick look. Rachel followed the silent exchange. "What?" she then asked quietly.

The blonde quickly explained with her hands. _Sorry. Jenna has also already sent a message to Santana. Santana just told us._

"Oh."Rachel nodded and added after a moment of awkward silence: "Let's eat then." She picked up the casserole to bring it over to the table.

Quinn walked around the counter into the kitchen and held her by the arm. _Rachel, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you what Santana had said._

Her hazel eyes were sincere.

The brunette shrugged. "It's ok. I can't or rather I shouldn't get upset about every little thing I don't get." She looked at the troubled hazel eyes in front of her. "Let's sit down." Rachel added softly.

_No it's not ok. Not after what happened with your dads._

"Quinn, really. I meant it. Let it go. I'm fine." Rachel implored.

Quinn glanced at the brown eyes that told her with a stern look to drop the subject.

_Okay._

Rachel really did not want to give it too much thought, but it still bugged her, despite what she had told Quinn. It was one thing missing unimportant stuff, but when it came to something that concerned her she wanted to know about it. She felt stupid telling people something that they already knew, because they had discussed a moment before.

They sat down and dug into the food. While munching, her friends asked Rachel what she had done for the day. After reassuring herself with a little smile and a look at her girlfriend that Quinn had not told them before, Rachel described her afternoon at the planetarium and her experience with the brass bowl.

The blonde squeezed her girlfriend's hand under the table in another apology. Rachel squeezed back and smiled at her. "It's fine, I'll live," she whispered in Quinn's direction and chuckled a bit.

 _I'm glad, 'cause I want you around a little longer,_ Quinn joked.

"Guess that can be arranged!" Rachel quickly pecked a small kiss on her lover's cheek and then focused back on her food.

Kurt and Quinn were interpreting again their conversations, only this time Santana tried to bring her share of signs into the conversation. That helped Rachel to forget the awkward moment from before. Santana was really trying and even though Blaine still appeared a little nervous around her, he seemed not nearly as uncomfortable as before. Finally, Rachel managed to relax again and started to enjoy the dinner. It was especially funny watching Santana sign, because true to herself she tried to weave in as many swear words as possible whenever appropriate and Santana-slang would require it.

"Santana, it's really unbelievable, but I think you know more curse words in sign language than normal ones. I don't even have the faintest idea what that last sign was supposed to mean. And I'm not sure I want to know," Rachel laughed at one point during the conversation.

It was really incredible how the Latina managed even while signing to stick to her own personal style. Any other deaf person would probably have been either totally confused or deadly offended by her signing, but knowing the tall, dark haired woman for so long, Rachel loved every second of it. It also meant that she would be able to experience some of the Latina's unique way of expressing herself.

"Berry, can't have you becoming a total wuss now just because you can't hear my lovely Lima Height's speaking anymore. Someone needs to keep you educated!"

The Latina exclaimed and leaned on Quinn to get the correct signs for some words as Santana's ASL vocabulary reached its limit.

"Good Lord," Kurt rolled his eyes and moved his hands. "Sometimes I wish I were deaf when I hear you talk speak that ear drum insulting, grammatically toe-nail-curling English of yours," he told Santana and then turned to Rachel. "Sorry, bad joke, guess I shouldn't have said that!"

Rachel laughed. "You know, I have the advantage of just having to close my eyes and then I have no idea anymore what she's saying. Or signing." And she waved a dismissive hand in the Latina's direction.

"Lucky you!" Blaine threw in and Rachel read the words from his lips.

"Yeah, I know," she answered, looking very sincere as if she meant it, while Quinn had to bite her tongue to not laugh out loud at the light banter between her friends.

"Now who is rude here?" The Santana exclaimed. "Should you talk about a person if she is sitting right in front of you? Hello? Q, I'm appalled at the lack of table manners here."

"Yeah, me too," the blonde added after interpreting her friend's words, adding the explanation that Santana had uttered the last sentence in a perfectly mimicked British accent. Apparently she had picked that up from one of her clients.

"Gag me!" Rachel threw out and then started laughing, because she could not imagine the Latina speaking with that particular intonation. Not. At. All. Then she looked at Santana. "Seriously? A British accent?" And she kept on laughing. "Sorry, that's beyond me."

Her comment earned her a poke with the elbow from Santana who also started laughing. Then in a very rare and spontaneous moment, the Latina looped her arm around the petite woman who sat next to her and gave her a hug.

"Love you, too, Santana," Rachel mumbled under her breath, grinning a little, which prompted Quinn to state warningly:

"Hands off, San, that lovely lady is taken!" But the smile on her face betrayed her seriousness.

"Giiiiirls," Kurt threw in, using his hands in parallel. "Behave. No biting, scratching or screeching! But I'd be ready for some dessert! Do we have any?" He looked around the table.

Rachel jumped up. "Yup, we do. Quinn baked me a marvelous lemon cake, which I oh so generously will share with you!"

Quinn got up as well and told her girlfriend laughing: _Sit down, I'll get it._

Santana also stood up to help Quinn and Kurt used this moment to turn towards Rachel to ask her if she had told her girlfriend about her singing experience.

Rachel shook her head and answered signing, because she did not want to be overheard by Quinn.

_No. Yes. Actually I did tell her about it. On the same evening, but Quinn was already half asleep and didn't remember the next day. I didn't have the courage to tell her a second time._

_Why not?_

_Because I don't think I can repeat it and I just don't want to disappoint her for not having sung for her._

_Do you think she would want you to sing for her?_

"I don't know. No. I don't think she would ask me to sing for her." Too late she realized that she had said that aloud, just when Santana placed the first plates with the dessert on the table.

"What do I hear about singing?"

"Nothing," Kurt answered after he had interpreted Santana's question. Rachel shook her head, indicating that she did not want to talk about it, though she knew that Santana would not let the topic slide by the look the taller woman gave her. The brunette was just grateful that the Latina held her tongue when Quinn approached with the rest of the sweet dishes.

… … …

After they finished eating and had polished their plates, everyone jumped up as if on a secret signal and started cleaning up. When Rachel also wanted to help, Quinn held her back. The blonde pushed her girlfriend back into her seat and sat across her lap, facing the petit woman.

 _No, let them do it. You need to rest,_ she signed with a smirk.

"Rest? What for? And why is everyone so busy all of a sudden?" She looked around. "What is going on here, Quinn?"

 _Okay, remember that day when you came home and found me and Santana in the kitchen in a kind of conspiracy?_ Quinn waited until she saw Rachel nod.

_You were right that day. We were up to something. Because we have planned your birthday. Or at least the evening._

"Oh. Was that the secret you also wanted to tell me?"

 _Yes._ Quinn quickly captured the soft lips in front of her in a sweet kiss.

"So, where are we going?" Rachel asked tentatively, her eyes still on her busy friends in the kitchen. They were having some kind of fun conversation because they were all laughing a lot. Rachel frowned and looked back at her girlfriend. "Didn't know that cleaning the kitchen could be so much fun," she murmured.

 _Do you want to know what they are talking about_? Quinn asked.

Rachel shook her head, but inwardly shouted yes. It was one thing to have an interpretation within a conversation she was actively involved, but it was still hard getting used to missing a lot of things going on around her that she normally would have registered.

Her day had been so happy and nice; Rachel did not want her spirits damped now by the same old regret. She took a deep breath and put on a brave smile pushing the gloomy thoughts away.

"Milady, if you still want me to go anywhere tonight, I think you have to lift your graceful body off my legs. They are getting a bit numb."

 _Am I too heavy for you or what?_ Quinn retorted with a crocked grin.

Rachel nodded shamelessly. Upon seeing Quinn's funny expression, she had to laugh.

"Ha, this is just my small revenge for you wanting to weigh me after our first night together, Miss Fabray!"

 _Words fail me, Miss Berry, regarding your vengeful attitude,_ Quinn sniffed in mock hurt. _And I always thought you were a forgiving person._

"Well, time to show you the _real_ me", Rachel quipped, earning herself a nip at her lower lip. "Ouch! So, where are we going and what do I need to wear? Is that good?" She brushed her hands along her clothes.

Quinn stood. _Yes, you look perfect for the occasion!_

Rachel was wearing a white tunica blouse with the front tugged into the hem of her tight blue jeans. Her jeans legs were stuffed into her black boots. A dark gray and white cotton scarf with a stripe pattern was wrapped loosely around her neck and complemented the outfit.

... ... ...

As soon as everything was cleaned and stowed away, the friends got their jackets and headed out the door, a curious and slightly nervous Rachel amongst their midst.

They were able to walk the couple of blocks from Quinn's apartment to their destination. Rachel stopped once and again to look at the snowflakes falling against the light of the street lamps.

"Quinn, tomorrow we have to go for a walk in the park, please, we just have to!"

 _Sure, as soon as you will come back to the land of the living_ , the blond answered grinning.

"Where the hell are you taking me and what the hell will you do to me once we are there?" Rachel's eyes grew big.

 _Don't worry; remember I told you to hold onto that feeling this afternoon?_ Santana jumped in.

"Yeah."

The brunette nodded and watched the Latina make some funky dance moves on the sidewalk, mouthing the word _paaaaaaaarty_.

Now it clicked. "Really? You're taking me to a _club_?"

Rachel stopped on the sidewalk, looking at her friends who had turned around. Her eyes roamed their faces, while waiting for anyone to answer her question.

 _Yes. But it's not any club_ , Santana signed slowly.

 _It's the_ Perfect Beat Club _,_ Quinn explained, finger-spelling the name.

Then Kurt took over. _And believe me; you will know why it's called like that. It's really intense!_

For a short moment, Rachel debated turning around and heading home. Did she want to go to a club where she would have to watch people dance to music she could not hear?

Then another thought formed itself in her head. Everything her friends had planned or done so far, had always been in her interest. Besides the small lapses in forgetting to interpret, nothing hinted at them dragging her to a place where she would not enjoy herself at least a little. Especially not today.

"Ok, fine," she conceded and watched Quinn and Santana exchange a short and relieved glance.

Rachel looked at Quinn, remembering their earlier conversation. As if Quinn had read her silent thoughts, she nodded slightly. Then the former Cheerio captain took her girlfriend's hand and pressed it shortly, saying _I remember our conversation as well. We'll take it at your speed_ without as many words or signs.

Two blocks further down, they took a left turn and soon stood in the waiting line in front of the club. Luckily the snowfall had lessened a bit; still, it was cold standing outside for a while. The closer they got to the entrance, the more Rachel understood where the name came from.

Rachel was not sure about the _perfect_ , but the _beat_ was definitely there. At first it was only a faint little thrumming, but as soon as they deposited their coats and walked into the section with the main dance floor, she felt every fiber in her body shake.

"Jesus!" Was all she managed to gasp. Now she knew what Santana had referred to with her remark earlier that day. But this here was ten times as intense as Rachel's experience with the headphones. Everything seemed to vibrate. Even the fabric of her blouse seemed to move with the rhythm. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed that her friends and Quinn sensibly used some earplugs. All of them except for Santana, which was not really a surprise.

If this was as loud as it felt, then even Rachel considered using earplugs. Should she ever hope to regain her hearing someday, she did not want to learn that she further damaged a good percentage of it due to being exposed to extremely loud music. Something she also had not considered in the morning. Then again, this would just be ridiculous.

Not even bothering to speak, Rachel tapped on the taller woman's arm and started signing.

 _Want to become deaf?_ And with a questioning expression she mimicked stuffing her finger into her ears, to ask why she did not use any protection.

Santana shook her head. _You know me. It's either all or nothing,_ she signed and smiled.

Rachel felt someone hug her from behind and a blonde head propped itself on her shoulder. The brunette turned slightly and saw Quinn grinning at her. The little group had positioned itself against a wall, with a little distance towards the dance floor. They all stood observing the crowd, getting some orientation. Kurt and Blaine had not been there before, Quinn just once, but Santana seemed to know the club. And some of its visitors. Upon entering she had greeted already two people she knew and just standing there for a couple of minutes had her nod and wave at several others. Rachel raised an eyebrow and looked at Quinn.

 _It's impossible to not know Santana. I guess through her job she also got to meet quite a few people. And let's not forget, she lived with her aunt for quite a while here in the city…I'm sure she got around._ Quinn smirked.

"Oh yeah. Right," Rachel answered and Quinn could hardly hear her words. Between the earplugs and the still audible music it was hard to carry a conversation. She closely had to watch Rachel's lips which from her angle was not very easy.

After they had observed the crowd for a while, Rachel paid a bit more attention to the rhythm. She had noticed that it had changed several times and there were different kind of beats. Some she felt reverberate through her whole body, some only seemed to bounce off her skin. She noticed how her foot started slightly to move with the tact.

It was funny watching people dance. With some the movements did not seem to fit the rhythm she felt. Probably they were moving to the melody of the song instead.

"What's playing?" She half screamed into her girlfriend's ear.

 _Radioactive from Chasing Dragons._ Quinn answered after Rachel had to repeat her question a second time.

"Oh cool!" Rachel turned back to observing the crowd and Quinn noticed her move ever so slightly with whatever rhythm she felt.

"Wanna dance?" Quinn asked as she slunk around Rachel, holding out a hand, bowing a little.

Rachel grinned a little at the display of gallantry. "I don't know, I feel kind of weird." She answered somewhat shyly.

Quinn tugged at her hand. "Come on." Then she signed: _I don't hear much more than you do._

_Why?_

_Grabbed the wrong ear plugs. These are not the normal ones that Kurt and Blaine have. These are the ones I wore the first time you came to dinner._

Rachel snorted and let out a short laughter.

_But as good as they are, even they cannot drown out the music completely. This is crazy how loud this is. But it feels interesting, doesn't it?_

Rachel nodded. She saw some strange loudspeakers hanging below the ceiling of the room. She pointed at them.

"These are weird."

Quinn followed Rachel's finger with her eyes and noticed what she meant.

_A friend of mine explained to me that these are some kind of special subwoofers that enhance the sound and beat even more. That is why you feel it so intensely._

"Cool."

Then Rachel watched Quinn telling their friends that they would move towards the dance floor. Kurt and Blaine decided to stay and Santana made a sign that she would circle the grounds.

Rachel felt Quinn apply a slight pressure to her back, pushing her gently towards the dancing crowd. Reluctantly, the brunette gave in. She had no idea how she was supposed to dance. And she felt weird being exposed. Then again, no one here knew that she could not hear the music and it was quite full, so they would disappear in the mass of bodies.

When they found a small spot on the dance floor that was not occupied, Rachel let out a long breath. Her eyes locked with Quinn's and the blonde placed her hands on her girlfriend's hips, pulling her a bit closer.

"I'm not sure that this is a song that requires slow romantic dancing," Rachel stated.

Quinn shook her head and shrugged, indicating that she had not understood what Rachel had said. The brunette repeated her comment using her hands. She saw the blonde smile and mouth _don't care_ , pulling her close again.

Rachel tried to relax a bit and adjusted her position slightly so she could feel Quinn's body move against hers. After a moment she managed to match the blonde's movements and noticed that their dancing also fit into the rhythm she felt in her body. This was quite nice, actually.

The longer they danced, the more the brunette felt her pulse quicken and a slow smile appeared on her face. She concentrated on the beat and started to grind her hips against Quinn's with a slowly increasing pressure. Their eyes locked and their bodies shifted in unison. Becoming bolder Rachel slipped her thigh between the blonde's legs, never ceasing her own rhythmical movements. Rachel watched Quinn's eyes widen in surprise and a gasp escaped the blonde's lips. Then her girlfriend's eyes slowly began to cloud with desire.

It was easy to forget the people around them in their silent or almost silent bubble. A quick glance around assured Rachel that indeed no one paid them much attention. She focused back on the beauty in front of her who had a hard time to contain her breathing, judging by the rapid ups and downs of Quinn's chest.

Rachel could not contain the chuckle that bubbled up from her stomach.

She raised a questioning eyebrow and threw a challenging look at Quinn, as if asking if she could take any more.

Quinn licked her lips and seeing the pink end of her tongue, Rachel did not even try to fight the urge to kiss her lover. She captured the blonde's lips with her own and let her tongue beg for entry. The former Cheerio was more than willing to grant access. They shared a very passionate and heated kiss, somehow enhanced by the pulse and vibrations that was rushing through their veins.

Rachel lamented immensely that she had to pull back to gasp for air. Seeing Quinn's eyes dark with arousal, she felt it very hard to not drag her lover into the next dark corner to claim her right then and there. Becoming a bit more aware of their surroundings again, Rachel also noticed that her throat had become very dry. Just as she wanted to ask Quinn if they could get something to drink, Quinn asked her what she wanted with her hands.

"Um, a water would be good." Rachel then answered. To make sure, Quinn understood, she added the sign for water in sign language.

_Just water? Come on, we are celebrating._

_Maybe later I'll have another drink, right now I'm just thirsty._

_Ok._

Quinn turned and pulled Rachel with her through the throng of people. They passed a dais of some sort where people could sit down.

_Want to wait here? I'll come right back with our drinks._

Rachel nodded and slid up on the raised wooden structure. With a small kiss she sent her girlfriend on her mission.

Sitting a little elevated gave the brunette quite a good vantage point to observe the crowd. She found Santana in the middle of a discussion with another woman. Apparently, the Latina had felt the eyes on her as she looked up and found Rachel across the room. She waved shortly and indicated that she would see her in a moment.

Kurt and Blaine were not at their original base anymore. Probably, they had decided to walk around a bit or they were dancing.

For now, Rachel was glad to have a moment to herself, taking stock of her feelings.

She had to smile a bit thinking about her friends and lover and how they had managed to coax her out of her four walls that she had so thoroughly erected after her accident. She would have never thought that within short of a year she would find herself watching a musical and go to a club dancing and actually enjoying herself despite the circumstances. Sure, it would never be the same, but it was still as best as it could get, she felt.

Rachel let out a small chuckle. Sometimes life was really funny in its own way.

She sat on the wooden surface and contently continued to watch the crowd in front of her. The vibrations pulsed through her body and she was comfortable just watching for a while. In one corner on the opposite side of the room she saw two women chatting animatedly. Before she could check what intrigued her about them, the crowd shifted and they were hidden behind a mass of bodies. A moment later she threw another glimpse at them and was surprised to realize what had caught her attention.

Rachel observed them a moment longer, before one of the women noticed that they were being watched. The taller one with dark, short hair looked over and caught Rachel's eyes. Identifying her as the source of the blatant stares, she turned and started to weave her way through the crowed towards her. The other woman who was a bit smaller and had reddish blond, shoulder length, wavy hair following behind.

Rachel felt a little uneasy as she noticed them approaching her. She never liked to be stared at and she could understand that those two apparently felt the same. However, she had not counted on them to be _so_ offended.

 

 

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**Thank you KUZ Mainz, Germany, for your Perfect-Beat-Party-Wednesdays!** **You rock!**


	39. Chapter 39

**Happy 4th of July!**   
  
**Thank you for your kudos! Much appreciated!**

**I don't own Glee or the original characters. However, I dare to say that all the rest of this whole story is mine contentwise!**

**Thank you so much Sole's stories for your help with the past chapters and the great input! So grateful to have your feedback!**

**Nicole, thank you also very much for the quick feedback and corrections in this chapter. I'm happy that you are back! I'm also happy to have been able to read two more chapters of your story For Always :-)**

 

 

**Now I have uploaded every chaper that is finished. The next ones are in the works, so please be patient until they are beta-read and refined before I can post a new one!**

* * *

**Chapter 39**

When the taller of the two women reached Rachel, she stopped in front of the petite brunette who was still sitting on the dais, stemmed her hands at her hips and said something. Rachel watched her mouth move but was too surprised about the aggressive stance and stare to concentrate on reading her lips.

She held up her hands in a defense gesture to stop the string of words.

Rachel pointed at herself, then placed her index finger on her lips and then at her ear.

 _I'm deaf_ , she mouthed in parallel.

Then she continued signing _. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear what you were telling me._

The other woman's shoulders slumped slightly at realizing why Rachel had stared at them.

Rachel observed the tension loosen a bit around the tall woman's shoulders and added another apology.

_I'm sorry if I offended you by observing you._

_You're deaf?_ The taller woman reassured herself, also signing.

Rachel nodded slowly. Then she gave another explanation _. Yes. That's why I was watching you. I was surprised to see other people here using sign language. Sorry that I stared at you, that wasn't very polite. I never like it much if people look at me like that either._

 _It's ok. I understand. You obviously had a good reason._ _I'm Lauren, this is Cara,_ the willowy woman with the short black hair introduced herself and her friend. After finger spelling both their names, she added their personal name signs.

Rachel smiled at learning the two women's personal designations. She recalled Carmen's early explanation. These individual signs often showed a characteristic that describe the person. It could be a reference to the hair color, a hobby or a personal trait. Sometimes they were signed with the fingers forming the first letter of their name while going through the motion.

Lauren's name sign was a combination of _black_ and _hair_.

Cara's sign was the one for "to paint" with the fingers forming a C. Rachel later learned that Cara studied art at NYU and loved to paint already since she was little. This was how she got her name sign.

 _Hi,_ Cara greeted Rachel after Lauren's introduction and smiled warmly at her.

 _Hi, I'm Rachel. Nice to meet you,_ Rachel answered, spelling her own name.

 _What's your name sign?_ Carla asked her then.

Rachel shrugged _. I don't have one._ She was not willing to give out Santana's nickname for her.

 _What do you mean you don't have one? How do people refer to you then? Do they always fingerspell your name?_ Lauren wanted to know.

_Mostly. Well, most of the time they just spell the first four letters, R A C H._

_Well, you need a name sign. Maybe we can find one for you_ , Cara offered smiling.

Rachel nodded. _That would be nice._

Lauren took a sip of her beer; shortly letting her eyes roam over the crowd, and then settled her attention back on Rachel.

 _You haven't been deaf for a long time, have you?_ Cara then asked after having placed her wine cooler next to Rachel onto the dais to have her hands free again.

Rachel frowned. It took her a moment to understand. Lauren and Carla signed quite fast, faster than Carmen or her friends. It took some getting used to.

 _How do you know?_ She asked.

 _Your ASL. Your English syntax and speed,_ the blonde woman answered.

"Oh". Rachel smiled a bit while asking the question. _Am I that obvious?_

Lauren smiled back and answered that question for her _. Yes_.

 _Are you deaf from birth?_ Rachel asked her curiously.

Lauren shook her head. _No. I lost my hearing three years ago. Cara is deaf from birth._

Then the blond woman explained: _We got to know each other at the deaf community center, shortly after Lauren started taking lessons of ASL._

 _How come we haven't seen you there before?_ Lauren then wanted to know.

Rachel did not know how to answer that. Then she decided to be honest.

_I had to come to terms with all of this before I could bear the thought of meeting others like me._

_Yes, I get that. It also took me a while before I could face the whole deaf community thing,_ Lauren admitted and shared a knowing smile with Rachel.

Rachel looked up and found Quinn observing her while still standing in line to get their drinks. The former diva gave a short wave and saw her girlfriend ask across the room:

_You ok?_

Rachel sent her a loving smile and formed the word _fine_ with her right hand.

Lauren followed Rachel's gaze.

 _Wow. Who is that beauty?_ She asked and then turned back towards the bar.

Rachel could not hide her proud smile. _She is my girlfriend._

Cara moved her hands. _Is she deaf, too?_

Rachel laughed. _No._

_What's so funny?_

_Nothing._ The petite woman shook her head. When seeing the slightly hurt look on Cara's face after her short clipped comment, Rachel offered an explanation.

_She is a singer on Broadway._

_Really?_

Rachel watchedLauren narrow her eyes a little and give Quinn another look, before turning back to her. _Have you_ only _had contact with people who can hear since you became deaf?_

_Yes._

_Why haven't you sought any contact with other deaf people?_ Lauren asked curiously. _Would it not have been easier for you to have some exchange with people who have a similar experience? I know you said you weren't ready, but still…_

Rachel bit her lower lip and thought about Lauren's question. Even though she had already given a rough explanation a few minutes ago, she found it not disturbing to give away more details. Normally, she was not that forth giving with personal information, but she felt strangely connected with these two women she had just gotten to know.

_I couldn't face any other deaf people then. I had enough to deal with myself. I needed all the strength I had left to live through every day._

Rachel looked at her hands before she formed the next sentences.

_Having lost everything I had worked for, I had lived for, well, I just couldn't face anything further that had something to do with deafness- deaf people, the whole community. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want any contact with hearing impaired people. I just felt like I'm living between two worlds. And I was not ready to let go of the one that had defined my whole life._

Lauren nodded.

_I can understand that. It was the same for me. It took me about half a year before I was able to acknowledge that I was not the only person who lost her hearing. But I finally noticed that meeting other deaf people made it a bit easier to come to terms with it. Though I guess everyone needs to do this at their own speed._

Rachel nodded at that. Then she watched Cara form another question

_Where did you learn ASL then, if you didn't go to the school for the deaf for the lessons?_

Rachel found it fascinating how easy it seemed now to have a fluent conversation without ever using one single spoken word. They silently voiced the sentences in parallel to support the meaning of the signs. She raised her hands to answer.

_I found a very good teacher who gives courses at the community center. That seemed to work best for me._

_Who is this teacher? Maybe we know her._ Cara looked curious.

 _Her name is Carmen Rodalba,_ Rachel offered.

The blonde woman smiled when she recognized the name _. Oh yeah, she is very nice. She also teaches at the school I went to._

_Really? I did not know that she also taught somewhere else. Then again, I never asked._

Rachel let the discussion sink in a bit.

She realized that she had lived in quite a bubble of isolation the first half year after the accident. It was a bubble that had shielded her from the rest of the world. In a certain way, it had been a blessing while she had to come to terms with what had happened. But it had also disconnected her from other people, from support, from understanding - more than necessary.

She recognized that now, but she did not berate herself. At that time, her self-imposed seclusion had seemed to be the best way for her to cope with the whole situation.

In the end, it had led her to where she was today. She would not want to miss for anything in the world having been able to reconnect with her old friends. And another factor also weighed heavily for her being glad that she had made the decisions the way she had. Quinn and she might not have met had she chosen a different route.

So, all in all, everything had brought her a great step forward, still.

She raised her eyes and smiled at Lauren who asked her another question.

_And what do you do now?_

Rachel shrugged. _I'm trying to find a new purpose in life, I guess._

_What did you do before you lost your hearing?_

_I was also a singer on Broadway,_ she could not hide the slight bout of sadness that rose in her chest.

"Oh," Lauren sympathized. _That must have been hard. That's where you two got to know each other?_

 _No, we know each other from high school._ Before Rachel could explain more, she saw Kurt appearing out of the corner of her eye. He waved at her and then pointed at the bar.

 _We are going to get something to drink. Want anything_? He signed.

Rachel answered him that Quinn already got her some water, but then nodded and asked him to bring her a wine cooler.

_Your friends?_

She forwarded the question.

Lauren lifted her half empty bottle of beer. _I'm good,_ but Cara chose a coke.

 _Coming right up,_ Kurt smiled.

 _Where is Blaine?_ Rachel craned her neck but could not see Kurt's boyfriend.

 _Already at the bar._ Kurt let her know before the crowd swallowed him up again.

 _And who was that charming young man_? Cara wanted to know.

Rachel chuckled. _That charming young man was Kurt, a good friend of mine._

_Is he deaf?_

_No, we know each other from high school as well. He is also in the show biz._

Lauren was intrigued. _How come you have so many hearing friends knowing how to sign?_

 _They took the pains to learn it for me_ , Rachel explained, feeling very grateful.

 _Then they are very good friends,_ Cara observed.

_Yes, they are._

But there was something that her friends would never understand despite their considerations.

What it really meant to be deaf.

At that moment, Rachel noticed that she enjoyed her little exchange with the other two girls. She did not have to worry about missing something, just because they forgot to sign or had to leave out sections of a phrase because they did not know how to interpret it.

She did not have to explain or ask. They knew what it was like. They were like her.

Rachel felt that as much as her friends were trying to help her with each new experience, there was still something that she had not explored yet; something which they could not help her with.

Rachel had deliberately stayed away from the deaf community. She had not felt like she belonged.

In the beginning, not really knowing how to deal with the new circumstances made her feel like she could not fit into this new deaf world. Now, she felt that yes, part of her did belong to that community. It had taken some time to realize that and to come to terms with the fact that she would always be a deaf person living in a hearing world.

Meeting other deaf people made her feel like she could relax. She did not have to worry all the time about being able to watch people's lips and body language, more so if they did not know ASL. It was always more exhausting for Rachel when she was in a larger group. It was hard to keep up with everyone in her line of sight and trying to follow conversations, despite Quinn and Kurt who interpreted for her. She always depended on what they delivered to her. She could not just choose to "listen in".

With Lauren and Cara, it was different, because they spoke her language and knew everything that it entailed.

It was such a relief.

Lauren caught her gaze and smiled. _You look like you just had a revelation,_ she commented.

Rachel nodded slowly. _Yes, I did._

 _Care to share? I'm all ears,_ Lauren signed and added finger spelling _H-A-H-A._

The petite brunette snorted. _Funny. Yes, I can share it, but not here. It would take too much time to explain. Maybe we can meet over coffee some day?_

Lauren looked at her for a moment, and then nodded.

_Sure. We can exchange numbers if you want. Just text me when you feel like meeting. And don't feel rushed. It's ok if you still need a bit of time._

Rachel nodded. _Thanks._

The three women were just exchanging their mobile numbers when Kurt and Quinn weaved their way through the throng of people with their drinks.

Quinn reached them first, pressed the wine cooler and water into Rachel's hands and her own lips over her girlfriend's.

Then she smiled at the rest of the group, noticing that Kurt had already started to introduce himself and her.

… _.and that lady who can hardly contain herself is Quinn._

The blonde waved shortly and smiled, a little embarrassed. Rachel placed her arm around her girlfriend's waist and grinned happily. The brunette had missed Quinn, even though they had only been separated for twenty minutes and she had had a good distraction.

Lauren introduced herself and Cara. A short moment later, Santana also ambled over to the small group and squeezed herself up on the dais next to Quinn. The former cheerio had taken up a seat next to her girlfriend with her arm loosely wrapped around Rachel's waist. Lauren had sidled up next to Rachel's other side. Cara had seen another friend and told them that she'd be right back, before slipping towards the dance floor. Blaine had shortly joined before moving off to dance.

 _Who's the new girl?_ Lauren asked.

_That's Santana. Also an old high school friend._

_She also in the show biz?_

Rachel laughed. _No. She's a personal trainer and kicks some high paid corporate butts. But she can also sing. She has an incredible voice._

Quinn watched the two women chat and had a curious look on her face. Santana bumped her in the ribs with her elbow.

"Whassup, Q? Jealous?" She then joked.

Quinn tugged her earplugs a little loose so she could hear what Santana was saying. In the corner where they were sitting, the music was not as loud.

"Why would you ask that?"

"'Cause you kept ogling the woman Rachel is so animatedly talking to. Did they know each other before?"

The blonde moved her head slowly from left to right. "No, they just met, I think."

"Q, come on, what's wrong?" Santana plainly saw that there was something bothering her on her best friend's face, even though the blonde tried her best to hide it. Rachel apparently had not noticed it yet, as she was still chatting with her new acquaintance.

Quinn sighed. "Nothing is wrong, Santana."

The Latina threw her hands in the air. "God, woman. Fucking spit it out now or I'll shake it out of you!"

Quinn just rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Ok, fine. If _you_ don't wanna talk, _I'll_ tell you something."

"What if I don't wanna hear it?" Came the tart reply.

"You know I'm not gonna shut up, so why bother, Q?"

Quinn just rolled her eyes and let the Latina continue. "What?"

"I think you're afraid now that Rachel had met some other deaf people, she might find out that this is something she had been missing. And you're afraid that it might drive her away from you. From us."

Quinn drew her eyebrows together and opened her mouth to give her friend a retort. Then she let out a breath and felt her anger at the blunt statement dissolve. She rubbed her forehead with her free hand.

Santana could see the guilt lurking behind the hazel eyes.

"Q, it's ok. This is something that Rachel needs now. This is a part of her life that she needs to include. But that doesn't mean that she will automatically exclude you from it." Santana leaned against Quinn's shoulder to give her an encouraging friendly shove.

"I know." The actress had a hard time trying to figure out what exactly was eating at her. She could not form it into words, so she did not say anything further. Santana looked at her for a moment longer and Quinn held her gaze. The Latina knew her so well that she did not need an explanation. Santana saw in Quinn's eyes that this was something she first had to digest on her own before discussing it further.

Rachel turned at that moment and looked at her girlfriend, pecking a kiss on her cheek. "What are you talking about?"

 _You. And how hot you look!_ Quinn smiled, signing.

Rachel snorted. "Liar!"

Quinn swallowed quickly at the correct observation, but recovered rapidly enough to deviate Rachel from the topic. _Not lying. You really do look hot._

"Well, thank you. You don't have much to hide either, Miss Fabray!" And Rachel let her eyes rake appreciating over Quinn's body. She wore black jeans with dark gray high heeled ankle boots and a low cut white and sleeveless shirt with a nestled front. The ends of the straps were held together with a small wooden clasp on top of her shoulders. The top gave her a slight Greek appearance.

Rachel slung an arm around her lover's waist and leaned her head against her shoulder. "What were you really talking about?" Rachel insisted.

Quinn looked into the sincere brown eyes. "Can we talk about this later?" Quinn placed a soft kiss on the tip of the smaller woman's nose to show her that this was nothing she should worry about now.

Rachel held her gaze for a moment longer and understood that this was not the right time nor the right place for a discussion. "Sure."

For a while, they were just content sipping their drinks, watching the people on the dance floor.

Kurt had gone off dancing with Blaine and Rachel observed them singing along to the lyrics of the song that was playing. The beat was intense but she liked it. She felt her body moving in the rhythm that hammered though her.

"What's on?" She asked Quinn and pointed at the loudspeakers.

_I think it's called 'No Church In The West'._

Rachel nodded.

"Can we dance again?" She then asked almost shyly and hopped off the dais, pulling Quinn with her. She turned around and motioned for Lauren to join them.

Before they could move on, a young woman was approaching them, then stopped a bit to the side of the little group. She seemed unsure of what to do. Rachel turned and smiled at her, wondering what she wanted. Maybe it was someone Santana, Quinn or Lauren knew. And maybe she was just shy and did not want to interrupt.

To Rachel's surprise, the dark haired girl did not approach one of the other women, but came straight towards her. Apparently, she had taken Rachel's smile as an encouragement. She held a paper and pen in her hand.

She stopped in front of Rachel and rose onto her toes to speak into the brunette's ear. Surprised, the former singer jerked back a little, stopping the other woman's movement. The young woman looked a bit taken aback by that gesture. Shyly, she moved a step away to give Rachel some space.

The brunette waved her to come closer and spoke into her ear instead.

"I can't hear you. You'll have to write down what you want to say." And she pointed to the paper in the girl's hand.

The girl took a breath and opened her mouth as if to say something, then pointed at her ear and then at the loudspeakers hanging above the dance floor, as if to ask if the music was too loud.

Rachel shook her head and waved her closer again, still wondering what the girl wanted.

"I am deaf." She simply stated and watched the other woman's jaw drop slightly before she recovered herself.

Rachel smiled and pointed at the paper in her hand encouragingly.

That seemed to help, as the other woman clicked at the end of the ball point pen and scribbled something down, holding the paper towards Rachel.

_You look like an actress I have seen on Broadway, Rachel Berry. But I guess I mistakenly took you for her._

Rachel just smiled and shook her head.

"No, you are right."

The young woman's eyes grew big, and then she wrote another sentence down.

 _You_ are _Rachel Berry?_

"Yes, I am."

The girl's face light up. "Wow," she breathed, which was easy enough to read. Then confusion took over.

_But, I don't understand why you can't hear._

Rachel decided to quickly explain. "I had a car accident a few months ago."

"Oh," was all the other woman said, debating with herself to walk away or stay, that was clearly visible by the emotions chasing across her face. Then she recovered and wrote another comment.

_I don't know what to say. I'm a little shocked. So you can't sing anymore?_

Rachel's eyes skimmed over the page. She exchanged a quick look with Quinn, who wore a slightly pained expression, having read the sentence as well.

"No." Rachel shook her head. "I will not be able to sing anymore." She simply answered.

The young woman chewed her lip, before she finally wrote something else down.

_That is really sad! You were such a good singer and actress. I saw you in Funny girl. I loved it so much!_

"Thank you," Rachel smiled. "When did you see the show?"

_That was in late March, I think the last weekend. Saturday, if I remember correctly._

Reading that gave Rachel a small stab in the chest. She swallowed and cleared her throat, staring a while longer at the paper.

"That was my last show," she then offered as an explanation with a slightly sad smile.

"Oh." The girl pressed her lips together, apparently feeling bad for having reminded the former actress of her final stage appearance. Then she held out the paper with another question.

_Actually, I came to ask you if you could you give me your autograph?_

Rachel stared at the request. What in the world… Then the corners of her mouth curved upwards again. "Sure. What is your name?"

_Vivien._

Rachel took the offered pen, turned and placed the paper on the wood they had just vacated. Underneath the name, she wrote in her flourishing hand writing:

_To Vivien,_

_may your dreams prevail_

_and may your strength and courage never fail you to make them come true._

_Rachel Berry_

Handing the paper and pen back, she honestly smiled at the young fan who pressed the sheet against her chest and smiled broadly.

"Thank you!" She exclaimed excitedly. "It was nice meeting you!"

"You are welcome," Rachel answered, having guessed the words from reading her lips. She watched the young woman give a little wave before she skipped back to her friends.

Lauren and Quinn had watched the exchange with a mixture of confusion and amusement.

 _So. That a fan of yours or what?_ Lauren asked.

Rachel laughed a little and followed the young woman with her eyes before answering. _Yes, it would seem that way._

Quinn hugged her girlfriend from the side and smiled at her. _You ok?_

Rachel swallowed and nodded. Then a small mischievous grin appeared on her face and she spoke and signed in parallel, for Lauren's sake. "Think you can handle my fame?"

Quinn laughed. _Well, if it becomes too much, we have to hire Santana as a body guard, I guess._

Lauren smiled. _I think I just found a fitting name sign for you._

Quinn curiously looked at Lauren. _You do? Which one?_

 _Show me!_ Rachel also eagerly demanded.

Lauren lifted both her hands in front of her body, at the height of her chin. With her index fingers she pointed slightly upwards and moved her hands in alternating sequence up and down.

 _That's the sign for 'star'._ She explained, while Rachel and Quinn nodded; both already knowing the sign. Santana looked with interest and repeated the movement. Maybe once in a while she would use Rachel's real name sign. But _just_ once in a while.

Lauren continued with her explanation. _To personalize it, we would just form the letter 'R' with our fingers for you while making the sign._ And she crossed the pointer and middle finger of each hand, the hand alphabet sign for the letter R.

_She repeated the sign._

"I like it!" Rachel laughed. She turned to Quinn and said: "Seems like I have a very starry birthday, today."

 _It is your birthday today?_ Lauren asked, having read Rachel's signs in parallel.

The brunette nodded shyly.

 _Well then, happy birthday, Rachel!_ Lauren grinned, using the new designation.

 _Thank you,_ Rachel answered bashfully. _That is actually a nice present, my new name sign._

_You're welcome._

Santana slapped Rachel on the upper arm in a friendly gesture. _Nice name sign, Berry,_ she then stated. _Almost as good as mine._

Rachel had to laugh at that. "Of course, Lopez, you wouldn't have it any other way."

The Latina smirked and then looked at Quinn for an interpretation of what she was going to tell Lauren. Some of the words she was not familiar with in ASL. When Quinn nodded, Santana turned to the other black haired woman.

"Kudos to you. That is actually very original. And I think the sign fits our little diva here."

Rachel rolled her eyes, Quinn smirked at Santana's comment and Lauren laughed right out.

"Thanks," the short haired woman simple answered.

"Come on, let's dance,"Rachel then urged the group forward.

Quinn looked around Rachel, asking Lauren: _Are you going to join us?_

Lauren decided to go search for Cara and excused herself for a moment. _I'll see if I can find my friend first, then we might join you on the dance floor._

 _Ok, see you later,_ Quinn and Rachel signed in unison which made Lauren laugh.

The little group wove its way through the throng of people to join Kurt and Blaine who greeted them happily.

Quinn stayed close to her girlfriend to make sure she was ok. In between two songs Blaine offered to get a new round of drinks; the next time Santana went to get something to hydrate their dry throats. The heat seemed to rise and more and more people crowded the floor.

At one point, Quinn told Rachel that she would head to the bathroom and Rachel decided that she could use some fresh air. Santana opted to join her.

They decided to pick up their jackets on the way. Hot and sweaty from dancing as they were, they did not want to catch a cold standing outside. The snow was still coming down in small white flakes.

It felt eerily quiet once they left the building. That was how Rachel perceived it, at least. Funny, she thought, that she used the word 'quiet'. It was always quiet for her.

Somehow, the forceful beat thrumming through her body and her own imagination of sound gave her the illusion that it had not been _all_ that quiet inside the club. Without the _feeling_ of sound, though, she was thrown back into the full silence.

It took some time getting used to.

Santana's hand movements pulled her back from her thoughts and Rachel was grateful for the distraction.

_How you're doing?_

"I'm ok."

Santana cocked her head and settled her dark eyes on Rachel's face.

"What?"

_Nothing. Trying to find out if you are telling the truth._

Rachel exhaled slowly.

"It's … different, yes. But Santana, I'm fine, really. I didn't think I would be, but I am enjoying myself."

The brunette watched her friend place a finger on her lips and then made a downward motion with her hands.

Rachel bit her lip, feeling a little embarrassed, but she was grateful that Santana had pointed out that she should adjust her speaking volume. It was not always easy to judge how loud she should speak if she could not hear the noise around her and her own voice.

"Sorry. That better?" She asked, paying closer attention at the lowered intensity of vibrations in her throat. She felt that she had adjusted the volume of her voice adequately now.

Santana nodded and gave a thumbs up.

"Guess I'm still used to the screaming inside the club. It seems so incredibly loud in there. Aren't your ears ringing?"

 _No._ Santana answered and then grinned. _Yours?_

Rachel laughed. "Nope. At least, I don't think so."

Despite the short embarrassing moment, Rachel felt quite relaxed. And tipsy. She noticed the effect of the drinks she had consumed.

"I'm enjoying my birthday so far," she volunteered while beaming, leaning her back against a lamp post, hands buried in her pockets to keep them warm.

The Latina grinned at her and made the sign for _'good'_. Then she dug a paper out of her jacket and wrote something down.

_Sorry, I know you prefer people signing, and I'm working on it. But this is still a little over my head._

Rachel looked up before reading the rest of the writing. "That's ok, Santana. I really appreciate your effort." She said sincerely, and then lowered her head again. Having her legs crossed, she lost her balance a little while still leaning against the post. Santana reached out and steadied her friend.

"Careful!"

"Oops. Guess I underestimated the effect some wine coolers can have." And she giggled at her own clumsiness.

 _Some?_ Santana asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, it's my birthday and I haven't celebrated anything in a loooong time," Rachel defended herself.

 _It's ok, Rachel._ Santana surprised the petite woman by actually using her name sign. _You don't have to defend yourself._ She then pointed at the sentence she had written earlier.

_The two girls you met in there seemed quite nice. Are you going to meet them again?_

"Yeah, I might. Why do you ask?"

The brunette patiently watched Santana scribble her answer down.

_I'm asking because I think you should. I think that it's good to get into contact with someone else who is also deaf. Don't get me wrong, Rachel, this has nothing to do with us. We'll always be your friends. But we will never be able to share the exact same experience with you. And it might help to talk to someone who has been through this as well. You know what I mean?_

"Yeah, I do," Rachel sighed and handed the paper back. She dug her hands back into her coat pockets and scuffed at the snow with the tip of her boot.

"I actually had the same thoughts. Up until now, I just couldn't bring myself to face it, but getting to know Lauren and Cara, I noticed that this is something I need. I need people who can completely relate to what I'm going through in my life."

 _Don't feel guilty about it, Rachel. This is normal. It's important for you to integrate both worlds into your life without having to sacrifice one or the other. At least that's my opinion,_ Santana wrote.

"Yes, that's definitely what I would like." She smiled gratefully at the Latina.

Santana nodded. "Just do me one favor." She stated, hoping Rachel would be able to read her lips.

"And what's that?"

 _Talk to Quinn about this._ Santana reverted back to signing. _She may feel excluded_.

Rachel narrowed her eyes for a second and let the comment sink in. Then she slowly moved her head up and down.

"Yes. You might be right." She could guess where the remark had come from. And upon looking up, she found Santana smiling warmly at her. Rachel appreciated that the Latina considered her situation and tried to understand her and Quinn's needs. Sometimes it was good to have friends who pointed out some things that you yourself were not aware of.

After a short moment of silence between them, Rachel asked:

"How are you and Jenna? And how was your date with her the other day? Sorry, I never asked." Rachel observed her friend closely.

Santana shrugged. She touched her head with the fingertips of her right hand and then turned it away, the palm facing outward.

"You don't know?" Rachel asked.

 _It's difficult._ Then Santana pulled out the obligatory pen and paper out again and started scribbling down what she wanted to say. Small words or sentences worked, but nothing complex yet.

_We're at a kind of a still stand. She seems to like me a lot, that's what she said, but somehow she doesn't want to move forward. I'm confused._

Rachel handed Santana the paper back again. "Does she know how you feel about her? Do you know how _you_ feel about her? Maybe she is just insecure because she doesn't _know_ how you feel or what you expect. Besides, if she has fallen in love with you, it might still be new to her. Falling in love with a woman, I mean."

Santana looked at the brown, kind eyes of her friend. She thought about her words.

Was she sure how she felt about Jenna? Good question.

 _How was it for you when you noticed that you were in love with a woman?_ She wanted to know from Rachel.

"I, as well as Quinn, had to get used to this part of us and accept it, because we did not consider this happening before. When we finally realized it, so many things made sense."

Rachel cocked her head and searched the Latina's face. "Santana, I think you have to find out what _you_ want first. I believe that Jenna feels your insecurity and she herself might also not be sure where she wants to take this friendship or if she wants to take it further at all."

"Hm." Santana shortly pressed her lips together, then nodded slowly. _You may be right. Guess I have some thinking to do._

Rachel chuckled quietly. "Guess we both do."

Santana made a motion with her head towards the door. At that moment, a flash went off from the other side of the street. The Latina whirled around so fast that Rachel almost did not have time to reach out and hold her back. The dark haired woman was ready to dash off behind the photographer.

"Fuck, let me go, Rachel!" She tried to brush off Rachel's hand, surprised at the strength the smaller woman possessed.

"No, Santana. Look at me! Santana!" Rachel tugged a little harder at the Latina's arm, still not letting go in fear that she would take after the guy with the camera.

"He's one of fucking Sharon's snitches. Lemme go, Rachel!" But Rachel held on and stepped in front of her friend.

"Santana!" She shouted and finally got her attention.

"Calm down, for god's sake. You're not going to run off after some guy who is absolutely not worth you ruining your life by bashing in his face."

"Fuck you and your logic, Rachel. You can't play this nice, Rachel. They aren't and if you want to save some of your dignity, you should consider a change of game."

Seeing the frown on the smaller woman's face, Santana tried to calm down a bit so she could actually use some of her sign language to make herself understood. But she was too shaken up to make any sense. Rachel placed a hand on hers.

"Santana, write it down, I don't understand a word of what you are trying to say."

Taking a couple of breaths, the Latina scribbled down her earlier words, adding another sentence.

_I could have taken him down and he would never have known what hit him._

"But I would have known, Santana. And I've said it before. I will not let you ruin your life because of me and because of something someone did to me. We'll do it my way or no way." She added firmly, looking the Latina square in the eye.

 _That's very Frank Sinatra,_ Santana then managed to answer with a crooked grin. She knew in her heart that Rachel was right. But her god damn inner rage wanted to flare up and do the thing that _felt_ right, despite her mind telling her that Rachel indeed had the better approach.

She sighed and became aware of the warm brown eyes looking at her with concern.

"Want to go inside?"

The Latina nodded, shortly squeezing the smaller woman's arm in silent acknowledgment of having said and done the right thing.

Rachel followed Santana who walk in front of her. Then she stopped again, holding Santana back with a hand on her upper arm. "Wait."

When the Latina turned with and angry look, expecting another paparazzi, Rachel pointed towards the other side of the street where Jenna came running. The redhead was waving at the two of them. "Hey!"

Santana's face illuminated and she smiled at her friend, waving back.

Rachel also grinned and hugged the smaller woman when she reached them. "Hello Jenna, I'm happy to see you! Wait. So you knew about this as well?"

Jenna nodded, grinning. Then she leaned back and made sure that Rachel saw her face, before she told her "Happy birthday!" and hugged her again.

"Thank you! How was your rehearsal?"

Jenna laughed. "Loooong. But good."

"Great. We were just going back inside."

The three women walked into the warm building and dropped off their jackets. Rachel watched Santana throw one or another almost shy smile at Jenna. Before they could stand in the corner and start a conversation, Rachel decided that she needed to pull them towards the dance floor. Maybe there Santana could burn off some of her anger from their earlier encounter.

Again, the hammering bass made Rachel feel like every cell in her body was shaken up, when she entered the hall. She quickly stated: "Let's dance," and took the lead through the mass of bodies. She found the rest of their friends where they had left them. Quinn stood with her back to them and Rachel surprised her with a hug from behind, placing a kiss on her neck. Then she let her girlfriend go so Quinn could greet her newly arrived friend.

After the greetings, they all continued to move to the beat. Quinn looped her arms around her girlfriend from behind and moved with her in unison to the music. Rachel let the blonde take the lead and leaned happily back. They kept on dancing, while the brunette kept a close eye on Jenna and Santana. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. After the first few awkward moments, they started to sing the lyrics to whatever song that was playing, bending closer to each other once in a while.

… … …

At around one thirty, everybody, except for Santana and Jenna, called it a night. The two decided to stay a little while longer.

Lauren and Cara had already left a little earlier after they had joined them again on the dance floor for a while. Rachel had assured Lauren that she would text her to find some time for another meeting. Kurt and Quinn had exchanged some comments with the new girls while they were dancing and Rachel was glad that her friends seemed to accept Lauren and Cara in their middle. Even Santana had asked Lauren few short questions that the short haired woman had patiently answered.

Jenna pulled Rachel aside before they left and asked Quinn to interpret for her.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry that I couldn't join you for your birthday dinner. Can we meet for a coffee tomorrow or the day after? I'd like to give you your present, but I didn't want to bring it to the club with me."

"Oh, don't worry, even though it's sad that you couldn't come, I can understand. Rehearsals, especially in the beginning, are always crazy. Maybe we can meet the day after tomorrow? Text me when you're free?"

"Sure, I'll do that." Jenna hugged Rachel good bye and the four friends took off.

Quinn had to hold Rachel a little upright, but found it very cute how her girlfriend couldn't stop giggling on their way home. Even though Quinn had insisted that she drank more water, Rachel had waved her off. The blonde was slightly amused with that side of Rachel, but was glad that her girlfriend had found it comfortable enough to let loose a bit.

Blaine told them that the boys would walk them home when they were out of the club and catch a cab from their apartment. So the four of them trudged towards Quinn's flat.

Rachel was grinning when she saw the flakes still falling and her boots disappeared for almost two inches in the white fluff.

"Can we build a snow man in the park, Quinn? Can we? The snow puts me into such a festive mood. Just missing the Jingle Bells song. Oh, no, even better, that old song from Wham!, remember?"

Quinn laughed at her girlfriend's enthusiasm. _Yes, 'Last Christmas, I gave you my heart'._

Kurt and Blaine started singing in the background and Quinn turned around, grinning. Rachel followed her movement to see what had caught her attention.

When she saw the boys voicing the words, she felt the melody bubble up in her throat, but bit down on her tongue. She watched for a moment longer, trying to guess which part they were singing. It really would have been nice to join them, she thought with regret, but smiled at the boys to not spoil the fun.

Quinn was not sure, if it was fair of them to walk around singing, when obviously Rachel could not join them. Seeing Rachel smile at Kurt and Blaine, she felt it was ok. She missed her voice so much in the mix, though.

Kurt caught Rachel's eye as she glanced back at them again and he quickly signed the words:

_Chorus. Now._

Rachel turned towards Quinn and watched her mouth move. Even from the side – though it was a bit difficult to read, especially in the gloomy light from the street lamps - she saw the lips of her girlfriend form the familiar words. Just when they were at the part of ' _to save me from tears_ …' Rachel quietly joined them singing the last words _I give it to someone special, special,_ looking at Quinn. She was not sure about the pitch, so she had opted for the original version.

As soon as her voice reached Quinn's ears, she saw the blonde press her lips together, shooting her a surprised look. Then she squeezed Rachel's hand and pulled it to her mouth, brushing her lips softly across the knuckles in a kiss. Even if it had been just one little sentence, hearing Rachel _sing_ , was the most beautiful sound ever. It touched her deep inside, just like the first time when her voice had grazed her ears. Only now it had much more impact.

Rachel did not hear Kurt whisper from behind Quinn: "Keep singing, just keep singing," knowing full well that the last thing that Rachel wanted was anybody to make a big fuss out of it.

So Quinn took a deep breath and joined the boys in the second stanza, hoping that Rachel would join them again.

But the brunette stayed silent and kept her eyes on the pavement.

 

 

* * *

**Thank you Sole's stories for suggesting Rachel's name sign! That was really a great and very fitting idea, you rock! :-)**

**So, that's a wrap for Rachel's birthday.**

**Chapter 40 is coming along, as well as some Lima and Glee Club scenes... Though the latter has still to wait a teeny tiny bit.**

 


	40. Chapter 40

 

  
**I don't own Glee.  
  
Thank you for your kudos!**

**Thank you Sole's stories for your help and comments and corrections and discussions and and and ... :-)!  
**

**Thank you Nicole for helping me with these now 40 chapters... it's just ... wow!  
**

**Again many thanks to summer1234 for patiently answering my many questions and giving me such detailed explanations. Hope it is ok that I used one of your phrases.  
**

**PiedraLumbre, just in case you didn't get the comment back from me, I'd like to hear what you have to say!**

**Ok, now after housekeeping, on we go!**

* * *

**Chapter 40**

Quinn had thought a lot about that night when they were on their way back from the club in the past three days. To hear Rachel sing, even if it was just one little phrase, had been so wonderful. Every time Quinn remembered the moment, she felt like crying, because she only now did she realize how much she had missed Rachel's singing. She wanted to talk to Rachel about it, but she never found the right time or the right words.

Quinn just did not know how to bring the topic up. So she waited for Rachel to comment on it, but her girlfriend never did.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Quinn had the feeling that Rachel had once mentioned something about it. Maybe it was just her wishful thinking, but she really thought that she had heard Rachel talking about it. Quinn tried to rake her brain to find out where the notion was coming from and when they might have discussed it, but she always came up empty.

Both women felt that the topic stood like a white elephant in the room, but neither of them knew how to address it. Least of all Rachel, who still found it strange that she had been able to sing with Kurt, to tell Santana about it, that Blaine had heard her and yet she had not found the courage to speak with her girlfriend about it.

Whenever she tried to, it felt like her tongue was tied.

Right now she would rather focus on the task of helping her girlfriend getting ready for her concert.

Rachel carefully zipped Quinn's dress up. She watched the muscle ripple under the skin of her girlfriend's back when she moved slightly.

"Mhmmmm, you look delicious," the brunette commented and kissed the naked skin of the blonde's shoulders. She gently turned her around and kissed her on the soft lips. "And stunningly beautiful!"

Quinn was wearing a dark blue slender satin dress that clung to her body and accentuated her beautiful curves. It fell in soft waves around her legs, just barely touching the floor. On each side of her breast a row of very small gem stones started weaving their way down towards the bottom. They were placed more sparsely mid-thigh. The little stones were almost tiny but caught the light in a way that accentuated the beauty of the blonde woman, without distracting too much by their glitter. Her hair was done up in an elegant roll in the nape of her neck, while a few strands had escaped and softly played around Quinn's face.

Rachel stepped back and admired the woman in front of her. "I really have to try hard to not pull you into bed right now and rip that dress right off you again, darling!" Stepping closer again she distracted the blonde with more kissing and teasing by nibbling at Quinn's earlobe.

Rachel felt Quinn's ragged breath in her hair and having placed a hand lightly on her collar bone, she felt her girlfriend's chest heave under her accelerated breathing.

"The audience will fall in love with you in that dress," she whispered. "And I'm sure with your voice, too."

Quinn reached around Rachel's waist and positioned her girlfriend in front of her, searching her lover's lips with her own and her tongue explored her girlfriend's mouth slowly. Rachel met her halfway and was breathing hard when they finally parted.

_Thank you for the compliments, sweetie. But I don't care about the audience. I only care about you!_ And Quinn smacked another kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

"As much as I love to hear that, but you are doing this for your audience. They keep the shows alive," Rachel stated with a grin. "But it's great to know that you like me, nevertheless," she then giggled.

_Y-E-A-H,_ Quinn stated, finger-spelling the word _I like you a little._ Quinn teased back. _Ok, the pick-up will be here in fifteen minutes. Last minute instructions?_

"First: break a leg! Second: smile that beautiful smile of yours! Third: warm up properly! Fourth: Dazzle them!"

Quinn saluted laughing. _Yes darling!_

"Ok, let me go get your coat." Rachel grabbed the light gray garment off the hook and gallantly held it for Quinn to slip into it.

"You got everything?"

Quinn shook her head _. Haven't got you!_

"Awww, you will. I'll be right here when you come back! Enjoy the experience, you'll see it will be wonderful. See you later!" She turned Quinn around to push her slightly towards the door where the blond finally slipped through. Of course only after kissing Rachel for another five times.

Quinn did not want to leave. She wanted to spend some quality time with her girlfriend. The last few days after Rachel's birthday had been crazy. They did not have much time for each other, because she was rushing back and forth between her show and rehearsals for the concert.

When the blonde woman sat in the cab, the excitement finally seemed to rise. This was a great chance to show off her talent outside the Broadway stage and the repertoire that she was singing with the other artists was versatile and beautiful. She especially liked the final song that she was going to sing, though it had been a challenge to get it right. Her musical director and producer had been discussing to translate it into English, but Quinn thought it would be better to leave it in the original language. They finally agreed and decided to display the translation onto a screen behind the orchestra for the audience to understand what the song was about.

Rachel had seen the sheet music of the song; Quinn had left it on the coffee table the other night. It was cute to watch how her girlfriend had tentatively picked up the paper, as if it was a precious treasure that could dissolve into dust at any minute. Rachel had not noticed that Quinn was watching her, because she was standing with her back to the kitchen.

The blonde watched as Rachel stared at the notes, not moving. Quinn took a couple of steps to the side to get a better view of her girlfriend's face, who had still not noticed her. The singer was sure that Rachel understood what the song was about; she had written the English translation underneath the original words. She herself needed to know what she was singing about, if it was supposed to come across with the right feelings.

Quinn did not let her eyes waver from the smaller woman. Rachel lifted a hand at one point and started moving it slightly through the air. It looked like she was following the melody displayed on the sheet in her mind, but her voice stayed silent.

Quinn watched for another minute and then decided to step into Rachel's line of vision.

When Rachel had noticed her, she jumped a little. "Oh, Quinn. I … I haven't seen you. Um…" she waved the paper towards Quinn. "You gonna perform that song?"

The blonde nodded.

"Seems to be nice. Are you going to sing it in English?"

_No, the original language._

"Wow" Rachel looked impressed. "Was it difficult to learn?" She eyed her girlfriend curiously.

Quinn laughed. _Yes. I had help from a speech coach who specialized in teaching actors different accents and languages. That was quite interesting!_

"I can imagine. The lyrics are beautiful." The brunette looked back at the sheet and then placed it on the table. With a little shrug, she stated: "I'd love to hear you sing it. From what I get, it seems like a really nice song."

Quinn was not sure, but she thought she saw some pain and longing quickly race through Rachel's eyes, before the brunette blinked and drew in a deep breath, smiling at her.

"Well, I'm sure you'll do it justice!"

Quinn reached out and pulled her girlfriend closer with a gentle "Come here!" Then she enveloped her in a hug and held her for a moment.

... … …

Shortly after Quinn left, Rachel dashed into Santana's bedroom and pulled the dress that she had stashed there some days ago out of the closet. She did not want Quinn to see it so Santana had suggested hiding it in her room. Rachel could have left it at home at her own apartment, but then she would have had to make quite a detour to get it, because she had promised to help Quinn to get ready for the concert.

Having taken a shower earlier together with her girlfriend – which of course had taken a lot longer than planned - she quickly discarded the clothes she was wearing and shimmied into the dark gray dress. It looked elegant, but not too extravagant. She did not want to draw any attention to herself. The smooth fabric fell around her knees in a loose fitting while the upper part hugged her body accentuating the right curves.

Rachel was glad for the long sleeves. This way she would not have to bring a jacket for when she was inside the theater.

While she was getting dressed, she felt the tendrils of fear crawling up her legs. Instead of pushing them away and ignoring them, she halted for a moment to give them special attention.

Yes, she was scared.

She was scared as hell.

This was the first time that she would attend a public event. She would not be sneaking in through the backdoor like she had done with Santana when they were going t Quinn's musical show. It was also something completely different from going out to dinner with her friends.

She would be going to the concert _alone_.

None of her friends would be there to interpret for her, should she need it. Besides, she was attending a _concert_ , which in itself was absurd, thinking about it. Even more so if she had to try explaining it to someone. She was sure that she would meet people who knew her and recognized her and they would most certainly want to talk to her. How was that going to work?

Then there was one other thing that could potentially happen – running into Sharon Basont. Rachel would not be able to have a decent conversation with her – if it was even possible with that woman anymore. How could she ever be able to explain to Sharon the reason for visiting a concert despite her deafness? Her former manager would probably neither listen nor understand and would use all this as further ammunition against her.

All in all, these were very good reasons to lose the courage she had gathered, but there was one reason that overrode all the other arguments.

She was doing this for Quinn.

Rachel knew that it was Quinn's greatest wish to be able to share this experience with her.

Quinn had never said anything in that regard. I was nothing she would ever ask of her, knowing how hard it would be for her to attend the concert and not being able to hear the music. But Rachel knew. She saw it in those hazel eyes, the pain and longing for her girlfriend to be there with her. It appeared whenever Rachel asked her about the rehearsals, the song list, the program or anything else regarding her preparation for this great event.

At one point, Rachel knew with absolute certainty that she would have to go and watch Quinn perform.

As soon as Rachel had decided to support her girlfriend, she tried to glean as much information about the event as possible. The more she knew about the set-up and especially the songs and music that would be performed, the easier it would be for her to follow. This was also why she had picked up the sheet music she had found on the coffee table, trying to gauge the flow of the melody. It would never even come close to hearing the song in reality, but it gave her some idea at least.

Quinn had done so much for her, visiting her concert was a way for Rachel to give some of the support back.

She took a deep breath and went into the bathroom to give her hair a final twist and apply some makeup. With one last look in the mirror, she nodded at herself. She could do this and Quinn would surely be happy to see her.

In a moment of self-doubt she had told Santana about her plan, unsure if Quinn really wanted her to be there, despite all the non-verbal signals Rachel had noticed. The Latina had said nothing at first. She had just looked at the smaller woman with those dark eyes of hers.

_You sure you want to do this?_ She had then simply asked with her hands.

Receiving a firm nod as answer, Santana had replied in writing:

_Then do it. And no, you will not be a bother for Quinn. Get that thought right out of your head, Berry. It will be a wonderful surprise for her. Believe me, I know._

Santana had then offered to join her for the second half of the concert. She had an important evening appointment which she could not postpone, but with a little hurry she could make it for the second half.

In a bright moment of foresight, Rachel had already ordered tickets online a few weeks ago. She had no idea why she had done it or what she even wanted with them on that day. Or why she had not simply asked Quinn directly if she had tickets for her and Santana.

Something had told her that she might want to use them in one way or another way. another way was simply to sell them again or given them away should she not find the courage to go.

Now she was glad that - whatever devil had possessed her that day - she had listened to this inner voice and bought those tickets. She had managed to even get seats the front even. Sitting in the third row, she had the visual pleasure at least, if not the acoustic one.

… … …

Taking a deep breath, she pushed the front door of the apartment building open and stepped out onto the street. Luckily, the sidewalks had been cleared of the snow; otherwise it would have been uncomfortable to walk with her high heels.

She hailed a cab and told the driver her destination. She kept a close look on him to gauge if he needed some clarification or if he was the chatty type, but luckily he just concentrated on the traffic, so Rachel tried to relax. To stop herself from wringing her hands in her lap, she fished out her mobile phone to send a text to Santana.

_On my way_. Then thinking of what happened the last time when a certain person had sent the exact same message to her, she erased the text and replaced it with:

_Almost there. Hope I won't bail at the front doors._

The answer came back immediately.

_Don't you dare, Berry! I'll kick your ass back to Lima if_   
_I don't find you in your seat later, 'cause I know you can do it!_   
_If someone is out for trouble, remember the face_   
_and I'll bash 'em later!_

Rachel had to laugh despite the stern tone.

_Will do. (Forgot how torturing all those poor people_   
_in your new job turned you into such a drill sergeant.)_   
_See you later._   
_R._

_See ya! And I_ will _see you there! S._

They arrived in front of the Lincoln Center of Performing Arts. Rachel paid the cab driver and hesitated just for a split second before she opened the door.

She was a bit early, but that was ok. It would give her the advantage of getting a feel for the place and take her seat before the main throng of people arrived.

That was her plan, at least.

She stepped out and stared at the three buildings around the square of the Lincoln Center that were brightly lit. Slowly, she walked up the flat stairs towards the plaza, taking in the sight in front of her. All those years ago they had danced around the fountain in the middle with the whole Glee Club, she remembered. They had been in New York for the National Show Choir Championship at that time.

Turning to her right, she faced the Avery Fisher Hall that was home to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra that hosted the concert. From an interior style point of view Rachel preferred the inside of the Metropolitan Opera. It was more classic and more romantic with the round balconies and the golden and red colors.

The interior of the concert hall was barer, more modern. Where the Opera gave off a more feminine impression with its soft, round forms and warm colors, the Avery Fisher Hall showed off a more male design, all straight lined and without much decoration.

They had improved the acoustics some time ago, Rachel remembered. Not that _she_ cared much about that for the evening, but she was glad for Quinn that she could perform in such upgraded surroundings.

Despite her unease that increased with every step she took, Rachel was she came. This was not a small concert, by far. Just the name of the accompanying orchestra, the location and the list of singers were impressive. This was indeed a huge step for Quinn. The concert per se was planned and conducted with different participants every year. Being invited to perform, was a huge honor and showed recognition from a wide range of critics.

Rachel's chest swelled with pride when her eyes fell on the huge poster banner that announced the concert and listed the performers. With a small sheepish grin she quickly snapped a photo of it with her phone.

Then she faced the entrance and bravely walked on.

Rachel entered the concert hall through the main entrance, forcing herself to hold her head up high, not giving in to the temptation to duck and hide from the casual glances that were directed at her. The looks were innocent enough, aimed at her just like the way you glanced at somebody new entering a building or a room.

She forced herself to take even breaths. She found the wardrobe and shrugged out of her coat in front of the counter, placing the garment on top. The lady hung it on the rack behind her and turned back with a smile, handing Rachel the little plastic chip with a number engraved.

"There you go!"

"Thank you!" Rachel slipped the token into her purse and turned around, not quite sure what to do next. It was a bit too early to go to her seat. She decided to get a program, but she headed to the bathroom first.

Upon entering, her worst nightmare came true.

At the sink stood Sharon washing her hands.

Why ever the universe kept sending her back into Rachel's path, the brunette had no idea. She groaned inwardly.

It was too late to step back; the elder woman had spotted her already. Instead of following her instincts that told her to bolt out the door, she decided to stay and face the enemy.

Thrusting her shoulders back, Rachel straightened her posture and noticed with a little satisfaction that the change in her attitude did not go unnoticed by the other woman. She would be damned if she let this woman ruin her evening. She would be damned if she let Sharon rattle her cage again. She would be damned if she let Sharon have any power over her.

Using the little momentum she had gained, Rachel started speaking before her former manager could say anything.

"Sharon." And she ever so slightly inclined her head in greeting before fixing her eyes on the face of the other woman. Carefully, she schooled her mask in order to not let any of her feelings show.

"Assuming that you will use my visit to this concert also for your story, do you want me to pose for any of the photographers? That might make it easier for you to catch a picture of me in places deaf people should not visit, in your opinion." For a fraction of a second, Rachel noticed Sharon's eyes widening, before she continue, not giving the other woman a chance to cut in.

"And you know what; I keep wondering why you are so adamant to prove something that is absolutely not true. Really, why waste your time? You always put so much time in researching a new potential client. Why not research a little about what deaf people can or can't do? That might give you a little understanding on the topic. And before you start again, not hearing does not mean not talking. And while we're at it, how come all of this is so aggravating to you? Is it just me, the topic of deafness or something else entirely that made you react so irrationally?"

She paused for a second. Had she gone too far? Well, she had not accused or threatened Sharon; she had just asked some honest questions. And gave her some piece of her mind, true. But Santana had been right. She could not always try to reconcile. She just had to be careful to not overstep certain boundaries. And this she had not. Yet.

Sharon opened her mouth to give a sharp retort, judging by the deep crease between her eyebrows and the slightly narrowed eyes.

Rachel held up a hand.

"You know what? I don't care. I honestly don't care anymore." She took two steps towards the door.

Turning back once, Rachel added: "And it won't do any good shouting anything after me. Because, I. Still. Can't. Hear." She signed in parallel the last sentence.

With one fierce last glace that took up all the acting talent she could muster, she opened the door and strut out.

Only then she noticed the adrenaline that had charged through her as the entire moment slowly ebb away. Her throat felt dry and her heart beat rapidly in her chest.

It was kind of strange that Sharon always seemed to find her at places that were rather enjoyable for people with intact hearing. First the musical, then the club – assuming the photographer really came from her – and now the concert. Well, strictly speaking, she had found Sharon this time, but that did not really matter.

Eying the bar at the Bon Appetite Cafe, Rachel decided to get some water. On her way there, she felt a hand on her arm. Turning with dread, she was almost relieved to see Anna, her former colleague from _Funny Girl._

"Hi, Anna. How are you?" She managed politely, hoping her voice did not betray her feelings. Even though she was so relieved that it was not Sharon who found her, she was still nervous about interacting with other people without an interpreter.

"Hi Rachel," the other woman greeted her. "It's good to see you! ….. right?"

Rachel narrowed her eyes slightly. Focusing on Anna's lips, she tried to gauge what her former colleague was saying, but she was talking too fast. She was probably just talking at a normal speed, but for Rachel's somewhat unpracticed eyes, the words visually ran into each other.

She was able to make out the beginning of sentences or single words, but following or even participating in a whole conversation just based on lip reading was impossible for her. Besides, it was very exhausting as she had to concentrate a lot. Each lesson with her teacher felt like the equivalent of a two hour workout at the gym. And so many words looked the same, so she had to guess from the content of the rest of the sentence what was said – _if_ she got the rest of the sentence. It helped by touching the throat of the other person to feel the different vibrations of words like _how_ and _now_ , but that was not something she always felt comfortable with.

"Um, Anna, I'm sorry, but you have to slow down." Rachel noticed herself take a ragged breath, betraying her nervousness. Nevertheless, she bravely ventured forth. "I couldn't understand the last part of what you were saying." The former singer tried to smile encouragingly at her colleague.

"Oh. Right." Then Anna shook her head. "I… I'm confused." She paused before she continued, trying to give Rachel the chance to catch the meaning. "You still can't hear?" She shook her head and tapped her index finger at her right ear for emphasis.

Rachel slowly moved her head from left to right in a small movement, anticipating the next question. "No."

"I don't understand. Why are you at a concert, then?"

"Why am I here?" Rachel reassured herself, seeing the other woman nod.

She opted for the honest answer.

"It might sound crazy, but I'm here to support a very special person. Even though I might not be able to listen to the music," she shrugged slightly with one shoulder, "there are still a few things I can absorb."

"Right."

Looking at Anna's face, Rachel could see that she still found it strange that a deaf woman would visit a concert. Especially if there was not even any action going on that would at least give visual hints, like in a play or musical.

Rachel was reluctant to defend herself further for being here, but having always liked Anna, she tried again.

"Anna, I admit this is anything but easy for me. To be honest, I'm scared as hell being here."

She noticed the look in Anna's eyes soften a bit.

"I'm afraid of having to interact with people, not being able to understand," and she made a small gesture at the other woman, hinting at their first interaction. "I'm scared that it will be so hard to sit through the whole concert, without being able to hear a single piece of music. But…" she exhaled and felt the pride for Quinn rise again in her chest, "this concert is very important to Quinn and I would not want to miss it for anything in the world."

"Quinn?" Anna asked with a quizzical expression.

"Yes, Quinn Fabray. You met her briefly when we last saw each other at the restaurant," Rachel explained.

"Oh right, I remember." Then Anna made the connection. "She is one of the performers tonight."

Rachel nodded. She did not know what else to say and was about to take her leave when she noticed the look on her former colleagues face.

Anna eyed her for a moment. She reached out and took Rachel's hand, squeezing it lightly. "I think," she paused for a second, "that you are very brave." Again she waited until Rachel gave her a barely noticeable nod to indicate that she had understood. "I do hope… that you enjoy the evening. No matter what!"

Rachel knew that Anna honestly meant what she had said. And she understood all of it, noticing how the other woman had kept her sentences short and she was grateful for it. She was glad to have told Anna the truth about her feelings and her reason for being here.

"Thank you." She quickly pressed Anna's hand back, who was still holding her own.

"Is Michael here as well?" Rachel asked, wondering about Anna's husband.

The other woman nodded and pointed behind Rachel. She saw him standing at the bar, getting some drinks for himself and his wife, before other people obstructed their view of him.

"Well, I need to get something to drink as well. Then I'll try to dodge Sharon Basont for the rest of the evening. Running into her once is more than enough," she added more to herself. "It was good to see you again, Anna. Enjoy the concert!"

Anna held her back with a hand on her arm.

"Sharon Basont, your manager?" Rachel nodded. "What did she want?"

"Ah, it's a long story." Rachel shook her head. "Let me put it this way: me being deaf does not seem believable to her, especially not after seeing me attending a concert. Anyway. I better hurry if I want something to drink before the concert starts," she then smiled at the other singer.

Anna looked like she wanted to say something but then swallowed and returned the smile. "It was good seeing you again, Rachel. Take care." And she gave her former colleague a quick hug.

Turning towards the bar, Rachel smiled at Anna's husband who approached them with their drinks. She nodded shortly and moved to get in line.

As the first gulp of water washed down her throat, she noticed how thirsty she was. At home, she had been too nervous to think about food. She should have gotten something to eat before coming here as well. Drinking the last of her water, she stood slightly to the side, observing the crowd in front of her.

Under normal circumstances she would have mingled and chatted with some of the people she recognized. However, after the first two encounters of the evening, she was quite content to stay to herself for now.

She realized that her talk with Anna had been the first real conversation she had had without anyone interpreting or writing down their thoughts. However small the exchange had been, she could not help but feel a little proud of herself to have mastered it so well, considering the circumstance. And Rachel was grateful for Anna's patience.

After a moment or two she noticed more and more people were finding their way towards the bar to get a quick drink before the start of the concert. Glancing one more time across the crowd, she noticed one guy throwing her a few curious glances. Once their eyes met and Rachel tried to rake her brain on where she knew him from. The guy said something to the man standing next to him, who bent down to pick something up from the floor or from a bag, Rachel was not sure and she did not want to find out.

She deposited her glass on a nearby table and made her way to the doors that led into the music hall to find her seat. Rachel felt the tingling in her stomach again. She was getting more nervous now that the concert was about to begin.

How would it be? How much would she be able to grasp?

When she found her seat, she slowly sank into it, giving a polite nod towards the couple that sat next to her. The seat to her right would stay empty for a while. That was Santana's place and hopefully she could make it before the break was over.

She was sure that Quinn would not necessarily be able to spot her, even though she was sitting in the third row, a little left of the center. But as her girlfriend did not count on her being there, she might not notice. Santana and she wanted to surprise Quinn either in the break or after the concert.

The room went dark and the curtain opened after a moment. The orchestra was sitting in a half circle at the back of the stage, while the singers stood or sat in front of the musicians. Just like the last time at the musical, Rachel felt the music start by the very faint vibrations that were transmitted. She had memorized the program that Quinn patiently had patiently recited to her. She knew that many songs were arranged as a mash up of different music styles. Well known titles from musicals, pop and rock were adapted and mixed with classic music. It had sounded really beautiful when Quinn had described it to Rachel.

The petite woman had seen the spark in her girlfriend's eyes and knew that it was absolutely perfect for Quinn to have this once in a lifetime opportunity. She was singing with New York's finest opera, pop and rock singers while being accompanied by one of the best orchestras worldwide. Each music genre would be represented by one of the young singing talents around the stages of New York.

Being on that stage with that ensemble was usually an incomparable career boost.

The first half went by quite quickly. Quinn had several solo performances and Rachel hung on her lips at every song she sang. Watching Quinn perform still held its magic. She looked so absolutely beautiful and perfect on the stage that Rachel felt goose bumps rise on her skin. Even in the group numbers Rachel had only eyes for her.

Knowing what she was singing helped a bit. It was still tough sitting through the whole concert in silence without any or not many visual distractions or action. Not really hearing the music and the voices was very hard to bear, especially after seeing the audience react so enthusiastically. The performances must have been really good. Rachel wished that at least Santana was there to describe her a little bit of the music adaptations and the singers.

… … …

Rachel stayed in her seat during the break, looking around to see if Santana was coming every now and then. Until the rest of the audience came streaming back into the hall taking their seats, she had not spotted the tall, dark haired woman.

A little disappointed she leaned back into her seat, smiling politely at the people squeezing past her to get to their designated places.

Unfortunately, Santana had not made it during the break and the ushers were usually very strict to not let anyone in after the concert started or continued after the break. Rachel had checked her phone for a text message, but there was no connection inside the concert hall. She hoped Santana was all right and concentrated back on what was happening on the stage in front of her.

After an instrumental introduction of the orchestra, another song where all four singers would perform together was up next. It was _'Perfect day'_ from U2. Rachel wondered how the arrangement of this next piece was, would they all sing together or have different parts?

... ... ...

Quinn loved this song. It was a great mix of all the singers' voices and it gave her goose bumps every time they performed it. She also loved the lighting that went with it. Every time a singer would step forward, the light would hit them from behind, so the audience first would only see a silhouette against the spot. As soon as they sang the first notes, the lightening changed again and came from the front.

When it was her turn, she stepped forward and for a brief second was able to view the audience in front of her. The light behind her washed over the expectant faces and Quinn let her eyes quickly roam over the mass of people. Still stepping slowly forward, she lowered her gaze from the balconies to the front again and felt like she had a déja-vû.

There was a small, dark haired person sitting in the third row, a little to the side, with an empty seat next to her. Just like many months ago, this person in the audience reminded her of Rachel. Then she got a full glimpse of her and almost stopped in her tracks.

Her heart almost skipped a beat.

She managed to sing her part, but her eyes never left the spot in the third row.


	41. Chapter 41

**I apologize for the long wait.**

**Recent Glee events have both shocked and surprised me. I was shocked beyond means of learning of Cory Monteith's death. I don't know what to say. On the other hand it surprised me that the Glee production was only pushed back for one week, at least for the three episodes they are going to produce.**

**I can't imagine what it must mean for Lea Michele and the rest of the cast to go through filming the show, especially the tribute episode for Finn, under these circumstances. But I trust that everything and everyone will be treated with the utmost care.**

**Thank you again for your kudos and follows!**

**I have basically finished the next four chapters, so there is more to come as promised!**

 

* * *

**Chapter 41**

When the next singer came forward and Quinn stepped back, she had a chance to give the audience another look. Or rather the one person she had least expected to be there. Quinn's heart jumped at realizing that it really was Rachel sitting there in the third row, smiling at her as if nothing else existed around her. Quinn was so captured by that look that she forgot about the music, the other singers, the conductor, everything.

Rachel had come to her concert.

It was almost unbelievable. Why on god's earth would she do that to herself, Quinn wondered. She would never have dared to ask her to come. Yes, she would have liked to share this whole experience with her so much, but there was just nothing that would reason for Quinn to ask Rachel to come along, regarding the circumstances.

The blonde only wished that she had noticed her earlier. Now, more than half of the concert was over. Nevertheless, she was so happy to know that Rachel was here. Quinn was so moved that she almost missed her cue.

Rachel's eyes were locked on the dark silhouette slowly making her way to the front of the stage. She was slightly blinded by the spotlight that shone from the back of the stage at the audience. She could not see Quinn's face, but she was sure she was the only one who had noticed the slightest hesitation in the singer's step when Quinn had spotted her sitting in the audience. Even without direct eye contact, Rachel knew that her lover had seen her. She threw her a genuine smile before the light changed and illuminated the blonde's face.

Rachel watched her take a deep breath, but Quinn never moved her eyes away from her. The brunette was sure that her girlfriend was not able to see her clearly against the blinding stage lights that now shone from the front of the stage. Still, it seemed that Quinn held her eyes, never wavering, until she had to leave the stage again.

After that, whenever Quinn came forward to sing, she always found Rachel in the audience looking at her with a loving smile.

Before the final performance a screen was lowered behind the orchestra and the lights were dimmed. The title of the next song was projected on the screen in artful handwriting against a beautifully colored backdrop.

**_Wir sind am Leben - We are alive_ **

Quinn entered the stage from the left and positioned herself a little to the side, so that the audience was able to read the screen. A warm and soft light washed over her. It was not too bright to distract from the lyrics, but it still illuminated her enough to be visible.

Rachel knew which song she was going to perform and thought the idea of displaying the translation of the lyrics was wonderful. This way, the audience who had not had the advantage of getting a glimpse of the words before like she did, could understand what it was about.

The orchestra started playing and Rachel's eyes were fixed on Quinn's face only, oblivious for everything around her. The singer had her eyes closed, a soft smile playing around her lips. She lifted her right hand and placed it on the microphone in front of her. When she opened her eyes, they unerringly found Rachel's. Quinn took a deep breath and the first syllables came across her lips.

Rachel wished so much that she could hear Quinn sing that song, especially in the foreign language.

Quinn looked at the audience and was still so very grateful for Rachel to have come to her concert. She knew that the text was displayed behind her and that Rachel was aware of the content, but the whole meaning of the song meant so much to Quinn personally.

This was not a typical love song; it rather dealt with the questions one would sooner or later encounter in life. Though, no matter what the answers to those questions were, the ultimate and most important thing was to live life to the fullest and keep the passion with everything you did.

Quinn felt that this was a fitting song for Rachel and where she currently stood in her life. In the spur a moment, she lifted her hands and started interpreting the words.

_Hast du alles probiert? (Have you tried everything?)_   
_Hast du alles versucht? (Have you tested everything?)_   
_Hast du alles getan? (Have you done everything?)_   
_Wenn nicht, fang an! (If not, begin!)_

As soon as she had formed the first signs with her hands, she saw Rachel gasp. The brunette placed a hand in front of her mouth in surprise. Quinn smiled slightly as she continued singing. It was a quite difficult task to perform in a foreign language and sign in parallel. Basically she was juggling with three languages. Singing in German, translating the words in her head into English to be able to interpret them in ASL, but seeing Rachel's expression made it so worth the effort. She had no idea what her director would say to that and she did not care at that moment.

_Hast du wirklich gelebt? (Have you really lived?)_   
_Hat deine Welt sich wirklich gedreht? (Has your world really revolved?)_   
_Hast du alles getan? (Have you done everything?)_   
_Wenn nicht, fang an! (If not, begin!)_

_Was willst du sagen? (What would you like to say?)_   
_Wen willst du fragen? (Whom would you like to ask?)_   
_Was willst du erleben (What would you like to experience)_   
_und was willst du geben? (and what do you intend to give?)_   
_Wer gibt dir den Frieden (Who gives you your peace)_   
_und was ist liegengeblieben?(And what's left incomplete?)_

_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)_   
_Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)_   
_Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_   
_Weil dein Herz noch Feuer fängt ('Cause your heart still catches fire)_   
_Weil dein Herz die Liebe kennt ('Cause your heart knows love)_   
_Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

_An was willst du glauben (What do you wish to believe in?)_   
_oder glaubst du an dich? (Do you even believe in yourself?)_   
_Wie oft wirst du betrogen? (How often will you be deceived?)_   
_Wie oft belügst du dich? (How often will you lie to yourself?)_

_Wieviel Türen wirst du öffnen? (How many doors will you open?)_   
_Welches Schloss knackst du nie? (Which lock will you never crack?)_   
_Wie oft kannst du widerstehen (How long can you hold out)_   
_und wann gehst du in die Knie? (and when will you fall to your knees?)_   
_Warum wirst du weinen (Why will you weep?)_   
_und wie oft bleibst du stumm (And how often will you hold your tongue)_

_Und für wen wirst du beten (And for whom will you pray)_   
_weißt du wirklich warum? (do you really know why?)_   
_Und bei wem wirst du schlafen (And with whom will you sleep)_   
_und vor wem rennst du weg? (And from whom do you run?)_

_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)_   
_Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)_   
_Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_   
_Weil dein Herz noch Feuer fängt ('Cause your heart still catches fire)_   
_Weil dein Herz die Liebe kennt ('Cause your heart knows the love)_   
_Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

_Und hast du dich verlaufen, (And if you've lost your way)_   
_ich bin da, bring dich nach Haus' (I am here to take you home)_   
_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)_   
_Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)_   
_Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

For the last stanza the other singers joined Quinn at the front of the stage.

_Wir sind am Leben, wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)_   
_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)_   
_Keiner wird uns zerstören (No one will tear us apart)_   
_Wir sind am Leben, wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)_   
_Weil unser Herz Feuer fäng ('Cause our hearts catch fire)_   
_Weil unser Herz Liebe kennt ('Cause our hearts know love)_   
_Wir sind am Leben, Wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)_

Quinn sucessfully interpreted the entire song. She only faltered with a word once, but recovered quickly.

After the final sound echoed through the concert hall, everyone was silent for a moment. The blonde singer lowered her arms and took a deep breath. She smiled at Rachel and noticed how some of the people in the audience followed her gaze to see who she was looking at before the whole room started applauding.

Rachel was deeply impressed by the performance. She sat glued to her seat, her eyes still locked with Quinn's, until she finally managed to rise from her seat to join the rest of the audience in the standing ovation.

As it was the final song of the concert, the other singers had come to the front as well to take their bows. The orchestra stood up in the background and the conductor waved a hand in the direction of the musicians and the singers to give them credit for their great performance. The musical director also came on stage and the two female singers each received a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

All the while, Rachel's eyes never left the beautiful blonde woman on stage. She wondered if her bold action would have any consequences, though she doubted it. Quinn really had a knack for deviating from protocol, Rachel thought chuckling to herself.

When the curtain finally fell, Rachel hoped she would be able to catch her girlfriend for a few minutes before Quinn had to join the after concert party. It was also common practice for some news agencies to ask for short interviews after such an event. So Rachel was actually prepared to have to hold back until she would get to see Quinn at home, if there was no time now. She plopped back down into her seat. Lost in thoughts and waiting for the audience to disperse, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Santana had slipped into the row behind her, which was already empty. She held out a paper with an apologetic look on her face.

_Sorry, Rachel. I was just a minute late, and they wouldn't let me go to my seat._

"Oh."

Santana threw a curious look at her friend and then asked with her hands: _You ok?_

Rachel nodded and smiled. "Yes. So you missed the whole concert?"

The Latina shook her head. "No."

She scribbled the rest of her explanation down.

_The usher was nice enough to let me stand in the back. So I saw pretty much of the second half._ She smirked a little when she met Rachel's gaze. _And yes, I saw the personal performance for you by our lady Quinn Fabray._

Rachel chuckled softly. "Yes. That was incredible! Quinn is crazy to keep altering her performances when I'm around! I could have read the lyrics just like the rest of the audience on screen."

As much as Rachel reprimanded her non-present girlfriend for deviating from the original performance, Santana could still see the surprise and love playing across Rachel's features.

_Come on, Berry, admit that you loved it. Every second of it._

The brunette smiled sheepishly and looked at Santana from under her lashes. "Yes. I did!" And she laughed out loud.

Santana stood and held out a hand to pull Rachel up as well. Then she signed: _Come on, let's see if we can find our singer._

"Oh, I don't think she will have much time for us now," Rachel stated.

_Why not?_ Santana quirked a quizzical eyebrow.

"After show party, pictures, maybe the one or other interview..." She was not able to finish her sentence as she saw Santana smile knowingly, looking at something or someone behind her. Rachel turned and spotted Quinn making her way down the now empty row she was still standing in.

The brunette's heart skipped a beat as she saw her girlfriend approaching; oblivious to the curious looks from the rest of the people who lingered in the concert hall. They had recognized the singer, of course, and probably wondered what she was doing in the audience section.

When Quinn reached her, Rachel had no time to say anything, as the blonde entwined her fingers with Rachel's and kissed her gently and lovingly on the mouth. When they parted, Rachel opened her mouth again to say something, but Quinn shook her head and freed her hands.

_Me first!_

Rachel chuckled. "Fine."

The first thing Quinn did was to cup Rachel's face and kiss her again. Then she lifted her hands.

_I'm ..._ she searched for the right words to describe her feelings. _I'm so incredibly glad and proud that you came, Rachel._

Rachel watched Quinn's mouth move in an attempt to find more words, while she kept her hands suspended in the air, unmoving.

Gently she placed her own fingers on Quinn's and whispered softly: "It's ok. I think I know what you are trying to say." She fixed her eyes on the hazel ones in front of her. "You were wonderful. And thank you for interpreting the last song."

Again so many unspoken emotions and feelings passed between them more through their gaze than they did through their words. Santana tactfully looked at the floor; she did not want to intrude this private moment.

Then she heard her name.

"Santana, you came too?" Quinn automatically interpreted their conversation for Rachel.

Looking up Santana found Quinn smiling at her.

"Yes. Obviously, Q. Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here."

Quinn looked between the two women. "How … where did you get the tickets? You could have asked me to reserve some seats for you."

Santana pointed at Rachel. "Was lady Berry's idea."

"Really?" Quinn looked questioningly at her girlfriend.

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I had bought them some time ago. I wasn't sure then if I would have the courage to come. I didn't want to get your hopes up and then disappoint you at the last minute. That's why I didn't say anything."

Quinn kissed Rachel's soft lips again. _You're so sweet. That was a wonderful surprise and the best early Christmas present ever!_ She then just signed.

Speaking out loud, she asked Santana where she had been sitting, as the seat next to Rachel had been empty.

"I was too late to make it to my seat after the break, but I was able watch you from the back." And she threw a thumb in the direction of the main entrance to the ground floor seating.

Quinn squeezed passed Rachel and hugged her friend across the row of seats that were created a small barrier between them. "Thanks for coming."

"You did great, Q. I'm proud of you," Santana then commented. "And you definitely dazzled someone here with the last song."

Quinn watched Rachel grin sheepishly after she had seen the interpretation of Santana's words. The blonde laughed.

"Good, mission accomplished," she quipped, referring back to Rachel's last instructions before she left the apartment earlier that evening.

Rachel place a hand gently on Quinn's back. "Don't you have to get back? I'm sure they are all waiting for you."

"Yes, but you two are coming with me. No way I'm leting you slip away and go home!" Quinn answered cheerily.

"Oh, I won't say no to a party," Santana grinned.

Rachel was not as enthusiastic. The encounters of the evening she had had so far were enough for one night. Good thing that Santana had not been with her earlier on, she probably would have killed Sharon on the spot, even though the woman had not even said anything.

Rachel did not feel like meeting any more people tonight, even though she knew that Quinn would interpret for her. But this was _her_ night, _her_ celebration and the brunette did not want to cause any inconvenience for her.

"Uh, I, uhm, I think I better get home."

Santana's gaze fell on Rachel's face and she narrowed her eyes. Studying her friend for a couple of seconds, she seemed to understand.

"You know what, Q, on second thought, this is your night. You should enjoy yourself with your colleagues. We'll have our own celebration with you later, okay? It's a promise!" Santana saw a look of surprise on Rachel's face after she had received the interpretation of her words.

Quinn's gaze flicked between her friend and her lover. "Everyone has invited family or friends to the party, if that is what's bothering you."

Rachel looked down on her hands.

She had managed to come to the concert, to sit through the whole show, to watch her girlfriend perform without hearing one single note. She had managed the encounter with Sharon and the conversation with Anna. It was just too much for her to face another challenge on the same evening. Meeting new people, all of them professional singers and musicians, was not what she wanted to face on top of all her other experiences. Besides, knowing Quinn would not and _should_ not be able to sign for her throughout the whole party and knowing that Santana was still not that proficient to fully interpret conversations, made Rachel feel very self-conscious.

"No, that's not it. I'm just really tired. Go and enjoy the evening! And if you…" she looked at Santana, "want to join them, that's fine. Go ahead. Really."

Quinn swallowed. In all her excitement she had not thought about how such events were probably still exhausting and draining for Rachel. She could fully understand why she declined her invitation to join the party. Nevertheless, it made her sad to not be able celebrate with her.

_Ok. I'm sorry I did not think about how this must make you feel and I'm sorry if I was a bit insensitive,_ she signed.

"Quinn, stop!" Rachel stepped closer and gave her girlfriend a kiss.

Forcing herself to put on a cheerful expression, Rachel added. "I mean it, Quinn, go celebrate. This was a really great concert and you deserve to relax a little bit now with your team after all the stress and hard work you've put in." She smiled encouragingly at Quinn.

"Ok, but I promise I won't be home late. I miss you too much and I didn't get to see you enough the past few days !" Quinn pouted which made Rachel laugh again and Santana smirk.

"At least I had a few nights of undisturbed sleep," the Latina threw in.

That comment earned her a slight push from Rachel and a "shut up" from Quinn.

The blonde still looked slightly disappointed that the two of them did not want to join her at the party, but she understood Rachel's reason. Though, why Santana wanted to bail, she was not so sure of. Maybe she wanted to keep Rachel company, which Quinn was very grateful for.

They walked towards the side exit that would lead them into the hall outside. They stopped and Rachel hugged Quinn when they reached the door. "I'm so proud of you, Quinn. You were wonderful." The brunette whispered into her girlfriend's ear and pulled back slightly. Quinn's cheeks reddened as she smiled at the praise from Rachel.

"Thank you." She answered bashfully.

"Well, we'll let you get back to your party! Have fun!"

Quinn nodded and kissed Rachel gently on her lips. Then she hugged Santana and watched them walk through the door before she turned and stepped back up the stage to disappear behind the curtain.

When the two women entered the lobby after retrieving their jackets from the wardrobe, a young man walked towards them. Rachel recognized him as the man whom she had seen earlier at the bar. She did not pay him further attention and walked on when he intercepted the women's path.

"Excuse me." He looked from Rachel to Santana and back to Rachel. The brunette threw a curious glance at him, then noticed Santana put on her fiercest intimidation glare.

"What do you want?" the Latina asked him, stepping slightly in front of Rachel.

Even without hearing her tone, Rachel guessed that it was not the politest inquiry just from the look on Santana's face.

"I would like to ask, um, Miss Berry something," and the guy looked at Rachel, "if she doesn't mind."

"Well, she does mind and we would like to go home. Excuse us."

The Latina placed a hand on Rachel's back and wanted her to keep moving. The smaller woman stood still, and dug her fingers slightly in her friend's arm to stop her. Then she turned to the young man.

"Excuse us for a second, please." Rachel pulled Santana to the side and asked in a low voice:

"What did he want?"

_He wanted to ask you something._ Santana signed slowly in answer. Out of the corner of her eyes, Rachel saw the guy watching them with interest.

_And he knows who you are,_ the Latina added. _He knows your name._

"Think it's one of Sharon's people?" Rachel asked in a low voice.

The Latina shrugged. _Don't know. I think yes. That bitch is everywhere._

Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. She just wanted to go home. On the other hand, she also wanted to resolve this wholde damn issue. Sharon Basont and her stupid charade were really getting on her nerves. The small woman turned slowly, let out a long breath and approached the man.

"You wanted to talk to me?" He nodded. "Can I ask you who you are? And please, you'll have to write down your answers."

He looked at her, frowning. Then it seemed to sink in.

"Oh. So the rumors are true," he stated more to himself.

Rachel stared at his lips, not having understood everything.

God, she just wanted to go home.

Santana glared at him and he held up a hand. Before she could give him a piece of her mind, he rummaged around in his bag and came up with a notepad.

"Right, sorry. Wait." Then he scribbled something down and handed it to Rachel.

_My name is Patrick. Can I ask you some questions, Ms. Berry?_

Before Rachel could say anything Santana jumped into protective mode and snared: "You one of Sharon Basont's dirty workers? Because if so, tell her she's a fuck up and she should go to hell!"

"Santana!" Rachel was not able to read all the words but she guessed most of them just from her friend's facial expression and body language. Her knowing Santana quite well also helped for her to deduce what she had said.

"No, I don't work for her…" the young journalist answered then he remembered. He started writing again, showing the pad to Rachel, when he was finished.

_I have never worked for Ms. Basont nor with her. I just saw you here at the concert by coincidence. There was an article about you on the internet a couple of weeks ago about a rumored accident. Seeing you here tonight I figured it was just that – a rumor._

While Rachel read the text, he openly looked at her, obviously trying to figure out what was going on with the former Broadway star.

_Ms. Berry, I have no idea what your business with Sharon Basont is other than that she was your manager. I'm a freelancer, I'm my own boss._

Rachel looked up and scrutinized the young man who stood in front of her. Her gut feeling told her that what he wrote was true and that he did not seem to have a hidden agenda. Then again, never trust a journalist.

Sensing her hesitation he held out his hand and asked for his pad. "May I?" He looked Rachel in the eye when he spoke. She accredited him the small gesture of not looking at Santana, even though he spoke the words out loud, with a hint of a smile and let him write something else down.

While he made his notes, Rachel looked at Santana.

_You believe him?_ She asked, signing.

Santana narrowed her eyes. _Reporters? Never!_ Was her short answer.

Patrick had patiently waited for them to finish their conversation and then held the pad out to Rachel again.

The small woman took the offered paper and read the next statement.

_I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. A lot of people have been asking themselves what happened to you, and if you will ever come back on stage. Seeing you here, I thought you were all right. But as I have just learned that doesn't seem to be the case – correct me if I'm wrong._

Rachel looked up. "Guess it doesn't take much to figure that out. Just in case you are wondering why I'm here at a concert, I will not discuss this here and now!"

The young man shrugged. "Fair enough," he stated, again looking directly at Rachel.

"Will you please excuse us." Santana motioned towards the exit, propelling Rachel with her when the reporter held the two women back with a small gesture. He had extended his index finger to ask for one minute more of her attention. Apparently he did not seem to be disheartened by the Latina's clear dismissal.

"What else?" Rachel asked tiredly.

Quickly, he added another sentence on the pad. While he wrote, Santana addressed her friend.

_You don't need to do this, Rachel!_ The taller woman signed.

Rachel answered likewise. _I know. But he seems honest enough._

_I don't know, Rachel. I don't trust any of those guys._

Before Rachel could answer, the object of the women's discussion held out the paper for her to read.

_Ms. Berry, I could offer you an interview. This might be a chance to tell the story from your point of view. And that might be a possibility to set the record straight with Ms. Basont? (I don't want to pry, I ust base this on what your friend asked me earlier and how upset she seemed.)_

"Why would I want to tell the world what happened, Mr…?"

_Remmond.  
Sooner or later people will start talking and pictures will show up. They already have, you know how it works. Why not take everybody's wind out of their sails and tell them your story, before anyone else cooks something up? Will you please think about an interview?_

The suggestion had some benefits, Rachel thought. If that guy was honest, it might give her some leverage on Sharon's case. She pondered the thought for a long moment.

Patrick added another sentence sensing Rachel's hesitation.

_We'll do it on your terms and_ _I get exclusive rights._

"I get the final sign-off of what will be published. Not a word will be changed."

Santana crooked an eyebrow at the sudden business manner that Rachel displayed.

Patrick nodded slowly. _That could be arranged._

"Good. I'll think about it. Do you have a business card with your contact details?"

He handed her one which she put into her hand bag after giving it a quick cursory glance.

"Thank you, I'll let you know within the next few days, Mr. Remmond. Until then, nothing of our conversation or what you have seen will hit the news. Otherwise you can forget about your interview right from the beginning."

She watched him incline his head with an earnest look.

_You've got my word._

She nodded shortly at him.

"Have a nice evening." Rachel brushed a smile across her face and turned towards Santana.

_Let's go home._

Santana nodded and threw one warning glace at the reporter who pensively stared after them. The Latina noticed how tired Rachel looked. She had held up the façade pretty well during the conversation with the young man, but every bit of energy seemed to have drained out of her now.

… … …

In the cab, Santana asked:

_You ok?_

Rachel nodded.

_You're really going to do that interview?_

The brunette looked at her friend and shrugged. "Don't know. If he was honest about it, it might indeed be a good chance to set the record straight. Don't know why I have not thought about it before."

Santana wrote a note into her mobile and held it out to Rachel.

_What if he reports his conversation with you in the meantime?_

"I don't think he will. If he does, he won't be happy if I decide to tell the story to someone else," she held up a hand, " _if_ I decide to tell it at all. But his suggestion got me thinking."

Santana shrugged and signed. _Fine. Your choice._ And added typing: _Let's hope he'll stay true to his words._

After a moment, she wrote something else down and held the phone into Rachel's view.

_I understand you are tired, but why didn't you want to go to the party, Rachel? Even just for one drink?_

Rachel looked at Santana for a moment. Yes, true. She could have stayed for _one_ drink.

Then she explained quietly: "As much as I wished I could, and under normal circumstances I would have definitely stayed, but it is too exhausting for me now." It seemed like an excuse now that she had also managed that confrontation with the reporter somehow, but that was just one person and there were so many at the party.

Rachel debated shortly whether to tell Santana about her earlier confrontations to make her understand the other reason why she was not up for any more interaction.

"I ran into Sharon and a former colleague before the concert stated. I just couldn't manage facing any more people in a large group tonight. And this is not an evening that Quinn should spend worrying about me, interpreting all the time."

_You ran into Sharon!?_

"Yes." Rachel sighed.

_What happened? What did she want?_

Rachel was worried that Santana was ready to jump out of the car, seeing the incredulous look on the Latina's face.

"Calm down, Santana. I actually don't know if she wanted anything at all. It was just pure dumb luck that I ran into her in the restrooms. Before she could say anything, I gave her a piece of my mind and then left her standing there." The brunette had to laugh a bit at her own boldness. "She didn't even have a chance to say anything."

Santana stared at Rachel for a moment longer until her brain had processed this and then laughed with her. _Really, what did you tell her?_ She asked signing.

Rachel quickly repeated her words and her friend grinned. Then she wrote something down again.

_That's my girl! Well done, Berry! Don't take no shit from that woman!  
And who was the other person you met?_

Rachel also quickly recapped her experience with Anna as well, including the difficulties of understanding her and not using ASL or pen and paper. Santana answered in writing again.

_I guess I underestimated how difficult doing all these things must be for you, still._

"Santana, they're not just "still" difficult. They will _always_ be difficult. This will not change. Interacting with people will always be a challenge. And I will always miss important things that will happen in Quinn's professional career because of my deafness." She looked out of the window at the passing street lights. "There will always be things we won't be able to share." She added in a barely audible whisper.

When she felt a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off. Rachel just could not and would not discuss this further. There was no point.

At that moment the old doubts resrfaced. Rachel was not sure if it was possible for her and Quinn to find a way to live with her deafness when it came to something as important as Quinn's job. She was not sure if the continuous lack of sharing special moments with each other - and there would be many more over time as Quinn's career took off - would be manageable for them over time. She would only be able to participate half-way in Quinn's professional life.

Rachel was not sure if that was enough.

… … …

Back at Quinn's apartment, Rachel wanted to disappear straight into their bedroom.

Santana held her back with a hand on the smaller woman's shoulder. She had the feeling that it would not be a good thing to let Rachel slunk off and leave her alone with her own thoughts. She had to perk her up a bit.

_Where're you going?_ The Latina asked with her hands.

"To bed." Wearily, Rachel watched Santana write something on the ever present pad.

_The hell you are! We've got to toast your girlfriend first and then you and I are gonna watch a movie._

"Santana, I'm really tired and honestly, if you want to party, why didn't you stay there with Quinn?"

_Because Quinn has enough people around her tonight._

"And I don't?" Rachel glared at Santana. "Don't start feeling sorry for me, Santana! And I don't need a baby sitter."

Santana picked up the pad from the counter again for her answer.

_Hell, I don't feel sorry for you, Rachel. But I do have the feeling that you could need some distraction right now. And I have the right recipe for that._

Rachel sighed.

"Listen, I have had enough distraction for one night, believe me. Don't you understand that it is really hard work for me to spend guessing all the time what is going on around me, constantly having to concentrate on people's mouth, body language, expressions? This hasn't been as relaxing an evening for me as it was for most people. I'm dead tired."

In one of the rare moments where Santana dropped her hard shell, she pulled her friend close and hugged her for a moment. Rachel stiffened at first, but then relaxed into the friendly embrace.

Letting go, Santana nodded towards the couch. _Put on something comfortable and sit down, Berry._

"God Lopez, you can be so obnoxiously stubborn."

Sensing that resistance was futile, Rachel changed out of her dress and came back out in her PJs and dropped onto the couch.

"I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay awake. So your distraction better be good."

_Believe me, it is!_ Santana smirked and turned on the TV. She placed a bottle of beer in front of Rachel and plopped down right next to her with one in her own hand.

When the first scene came alive on screen, Rachel laughed out loud. "Oh no, you didn't!"

Santana nodded. "Yes I did."

Rachel elbowed her friendly in the ribs and smiled. Chuckling, she stated: "How did you know this is the only thing that always lifts my mood, no matter what?"

Santana raised one eyebrow and quickly typed something into her phone.

_Whaddaya think? I've known you for like a hundred years. This was all you've ever talked about at high school. Rachel Berry and Funny Girl go together like Starsky and Hutch or Cagney and Lacey or Barbra and James!_

Rachel snorted and clunked her bottle against Santana's before concentrating on the movie. After the first couple of scenes, she felt her mood lifting.

The original spoken words were slightly different from the close captions that were displayed on the screen. Rachel knew every single word of that movie and was content with just watching the actors, imagining the dialogues in her mind. At one point, she just switched off the subtitles. They annoyed her no end - specially with this movie - because they did not display the exact dialogues and there were no extended subtitles available.

She learned that Santana had never watched the movie and it was fun teasing her friend by quoting some of the dialogues in parallel, especially Barbra's lines.

_God, you do know the whole movie by heart, don't you? How many times have you seen it?_ Santana typed.

Rachel shrugged. "One hundred sixty-three, I think. Sixty four, including this one."

_There are other movies out there, you do know that, right? Even with Barbra…_

"Yes. But none of them are as good. They are all fantastic, don't get me wrong, but this is the Queen of them all."

Santana snorted. "Hell, yeah!" But she had to admit that the movie was good and that Miss Barbra Streisand was great in the film.

Hearing Rachel recite some of the dialogue gave Santana a glimpse of how great it would have been to see her friend in the actual musical. She regretted that she had never visited it.

… … …

When Quinn came home, she was surprised to be greeted by some laughter from her lover and best friend. She had expected the apartment to be quiet, but apparently her two favorite women had plans of their own. Smiling, she stepped inside.

Santana and Rachel were just into their second movie " _Bringing up baby"_ with Cary Grant and Kathryn Hepburn. He and Hepburn were trying to catch an escaped tame leopard named 'Baby'. Entangled in a big net Grant had just landed in a heap on the ground, after having falling over a big log in the woods.

Rachel looked up. "Hey, star! You're back early."

Quinn nodded and plopped down next to Rachel with a sigh. She kicked off her shoes and propped her feet on the table in front of her.

"Yes. I promised to be home early." She answered, and in what had become a habit her hands followed her words in parallel. "Besides, I spent so much time with the people from the concert these past days, that I have seen quite enough of them now. Compared to being with you, they are boring as hell and not even half as sexy and good looking."

Rachel snorted at that comment and Santana rolled her eyes. "Guess my quiet nights are over," the tall, dark haired woman sighed exaggerating.

"Hm, yes they might be," Rachel grinned and kissed Quinn on the lips. "Nice to see you, gorgeous," she then whispered in the blonde's ear.

A little louder, she added. "I'm glad I have a reason to go to bed now. Our dear friend here had the impression that I needed rescuing from myself. She practically forced me to watch movies with her."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel watched the Latina huff. "Yeah, and don't forget to mention which movie we watched, Berry!" Santana managed to sign in parallel.

"Let me guess, _Funny Girl_?" Quinn asked, also signing.

"Yes, but it was her idea," and Rachel poked a finger at Santana's shoulder.

Quinn laughed out loud and threw Santana a curious look, but the Latina just shrugged.

The blonde got to her feet.

"Well, I'm wasted." She held out a hand towards Rachel after having signed the next question. "Care to join me in bed?"

Rachel snagged the offered hand. "Thought you'd never ask." Turning to Santana, she stated: "Thank you Santana, for keeping me company and for suffering through _Funny Girl_ for me."

"Naaaah, it wasn't that bad." The Latina made a dismissive gesture after she finished signing.

"Uh huh, and it gets better each time."

"Forget it, Rachel. This was a one-time thing only! I'm not gonna rival you with your one hundred and sixty something times. Good night. And keep the volume down, you two, will ya'!" Santana did not manage to sign everything correctly, but Rachel got the gist of it.

"Put some earplugs in, Santana," Quinn threw over her shoulder, as she pulled Rachel with her down the hall, repeating her comment signing. "Night."

… … …

Lying in bed, Rachel asked Quinn about the party and her girlfriend quickly described her short stay.

_It was nice, but everyone was a bit tired. We had some brief interviews and a quick photo shoot. Other than that it was okay to leave early. Due to the upcoming Christmas holidays not many of the other guests wanted to stay long anyway._

Asking Rachel how her evening had been, Quinn also learned about Rachel's encounter with Sharon. At first, she had a similar reaction as Santana, almost jumping out of bed, thinking that the manager had somehow planned something against her former client. When she listened to Rachel on how the meeting took place and how Rachel had reacted, she burst out laughing.

_You did not say that to her! Really?_

Rachel nodded and grinned. "I did. I'm still surprised at myself, I have to admit, but it just felt great."

_I'm proud of you! Wonder what she will do now, though. I'm sure she did not like to be confronted like that._

"Yeah, maybe. But I might have a solution for that."

Quinn quirked an eyebrow and looked excited. _Really? What is it?_

Rachel proceeded to recount the discussion with the reporter, which made Quinn sit up again.

_Are you sure he was okay? What was his name again? Maybe I can run his name by my manager. She might know him and we can find out if he is who he claims to be._

"Yes, that would be good. He seemed honest. I don't know, it's just a gut feeling, but I believed him. Nevertheless, it would be good to learn a bit about his background."

Quinn looked at her girlfriend pensively. _Are you really considering doing an interview?_

Rachel shrugged. "Maybe. It might be a chance to get Sharon off my back."

_It would probably earn him quite a reputation if he garnered that interview with you._

"Yeah, maybe. He wanted exclusive rights and I told him I'd get the final sign-off. Until then, he has to be quiet about what we discussed. Let's see if he holds this part of the "unofficial" deal."

_I'm not sure about this, but it's your choice. If you want me to come with you to the interview should you decide to do it, I'll be happy to interpret_ , Quinn offered.

Rachel leaned over and kissed her. "Thank you," she murmured against Quinn's lips.

She also told her about her brief talk with Anna. As Rachel recounted the meeting, Quinn realized again how such easy and natural things had become such a task for Rachel. It made her feel even prouder of her to have handled the evening so well.

Quinn described her thoughts to her girlfriend.

"So we both accomplished quite some tasks tonight," Rachel answered with a hearty yawn and snuggled up against the crook of Quinn's arm. "Hm, one more show, then we can go on our vacation. This is nice." She mumbled sleepily.

Watching the movie with Santana had pushed her tiredness away, but now, laying in Quinn's arms, cozily wrapped into the warm blankets Rachel felt the fatigue wash over her again with full force.

She saw Quinn's hands move a little awkwardly in front of her. _Yes, I'm looking forward to having you to myself for a couple of days._

"Yes, and let's forget about our parents and friends. We'll hide from them." Rachel suggested chuckling.

_Damn, forgot about that. Well, we'll still have enough time for us, I'll make sure of that._ Quinn stated.

"Mmmmmm, someone is needy, it seems," Rachel teased, hardly able to keep her eyes open.

_Yes! Needy for you._ And Quinn placed a kiss on Rachel's head. She herself felt exhausted after the stressful days. _Thank you for coming. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Especially… you know…I mean…_

"I know. I'm glad that I came to watch you, knowing how much you wanted it."

_But I never said anything! I never would have dared to asked you to come._

Rachel turned her head to look at Quinn.

"I know. But it was written all over your face." She gently traced a forefinger across the blonde woman's cheek. "After all you have done so much for me, supported me in so many ways coming to your concert seemed just a small way in comparison to give something of that support back."

Quinn pressed the smaller form of her girlfriend against herself in a tight embrace and kissed her passionately.

They lay a while in each other's arms, looking into each other's eyes. Rachel was amazed again at how much a person could say without uttering a single word.

The brunette's eyes began to close again after some time, even though she tried to keep them open.

Quinn smiled and signed an "I love you" and "good night", before she turned to switch off the light.

"Luv you, too," Rachel mumbled and placed a soft kiss on one of Quinn's hands in front of her, before she let sleep claim her.


	42. Chapter 42

 

**I don't own Glee.**

**Devin Jaste: Thank you for this great review and the things you pointed out, got me thinking...**

**Thank you all for the Kudos!  
**

**And thanks a lot to PiedraLumbre for sending me your comments!  
**

* * *

 

**Chapter 42**

Quinn was a little excited to go home, to see her sister and meet their old friends from school. Seeing her mom, well, she would manage. As long as her sister was there, Quinn could face spending time with her mother.

After her mom had separated from Quinn's dad and apologized to her daughter for not standing up for her little girl, their relationship got better. Still, they had never been able to re-establish the normal heartfelt mother-daughter connection. They would talk once a month over the phone, Judy would visit her daughter once in a while and the young woman would come home for the holidays. That was about it. Quinn had steeled herself for another kick out of her parents or rather mother's life when she shortly told her about her relationship with Rachel. Much to her surprise her mother had basically just told her as long as she was happy, she was fine with it. Had her mother changed so much to become so accepting? After all, being in a relationship with another woman was nothing that fit into the Fabray family picture. Then again, neither did divorce.

She got along much better with her sister and Quinn was really happy to see Fran again. She had told her about her relationship with Rachel and her sister was first surprised, then speechless and then truly happy for her. The thought about meeting her sister triggered a little song outburst.

"Driving home for Christmas….." Quinn sang while signing. She came out of the bathroom and walked up to Rachel who was sitting at the kitchen table.

Rachel watched her girlfriend. It took her a moment to figure out that she was not directly talking to her, but was actually singing a song.

"Who's that from?" She asked.

_Chris Rea._ Quinn signed when she had finished the chorus.

Rachel was surprised. "You listen to Chris Rea?"

_Well, I like some of his songs. But this one just popped into my mind,_ Quinn answered in a good mood.

Rachel laughed. "Uh huh. I have to admit I always liked the music he wrote for this movie _La Passione_. The songs with Shirley Bassey were great."

_Yes, I love those too! The movie is also very good._ Then she added hesitatingly: _I watched it with my dad a couple of times when I was little._

Rachel cocked her head and studied her girlfriend. "Sorry, I didn't want to call up sad memories." She apologized.

Quinn shook her head _. That is not a sad memory. It's actually a good one, no matter what happened afterwards. Anyway, I gotta get my stuff ready._ She poked a thumb over her shoulder and disappeared into the bedroom to start packing.

Rachel watched her go and then went to one of her bags that stood next to the sofa. Upon making sure that she was alone, she zipped one open. Quinn's two presents lay neatly wrapped on top of a stack of clothes. Fingering the smaller one, a tiny, shy smile graced her lips. She would probably doubt if this was as good a present as she imagined until the last minute, but she had sworn to herself that she would give it to Quinn nevertheless. Carefully, she zipped the bag close and stood up to join her girlfriend in the bedroom.

Sitting cross legged on the bed she watched Quinn fill the suitcase, never shy to interrupt the blonde with little kisses on her hands or lips, whatever was easier to reach from her position.

... ... ...

Before Quinn had to leave for her last show before her Christmas break, they stowed the main luggage away in the trunk of a rental car. They had decided to drive all the way to Lima, despite the short stay.

Just as she was with the subways, Quinn was not too fond of airplanes. Being cooped up in a form transportation where she could not get out easily and had not much control over was not her favorite. And Rachel felt uncomfortable flying either, despite the green light her doctor had given her.

Both of them taking turns driving the nine hours' drive would be okay.

The car was parked in the garage below the apartment building. Quinn had picked it up in the morning of the 23rd and had collected Rachel with her bags at her apartment in the early afternoon.

They planned to leave very early the next day, on the 24th so they would arrive in the early afternoon in Lima, if the traffic would flow and the weather permit it. So far is seemed ok, it had not snowed in the past three days and the roads were clear.

Rachel spent the evening reading on the couch while Quinn was performing and Santana spent an evening at her aunts. The brunette was happy that Santana would join them in Lima for their Glee meeting, at least.

When Quinn came home from her last show, the two went straight to bed for a couple of hours of sleep and planned to hit the road at around four in the morning.

… … …

After some coffee, they packed the rest of their necessities into the Mini Countryman, including enough provisions for the trip to feed a small army. Quinn slid behind the wheel, waiting for Rachel to get in on the passenger side. As soon as they had buckled up, a thought struck her. She turned and grazed her hand lightly over Rachel's arm to draw her attention away from rummaging around in her hand bag. The brunette pulled out her mobile phone and then looked at Quinn.

_Rachel, how do we communicate?_ Quinn asked with a slightly alarmed look on her face. _It will be difficult to sign while I'm driving and when you are driving it will be hard for you to see my hands._

Rachel did not seem too perturbed by this observation. She simple wiggled the phone in her hand and placed it into the cradle that was fixed onto the console of the car already.

"I thought we could try this. Not sure if it will work, but at least we can give it a go. It has a voice recognition software, this translates spoken text into writing. This way I can listen to voice messages, for example. I have it on my computer too. It works a bit faster there, but it might work on the phone as well."

_I was wondering about that_. Quinn pointed at the phone.

"About what?"

_You wrote in one of your early e-mails to me that you had "listened" to my message._ Quinn air-quoted the word 'listened', before she continued _You know, the one I left on your voicemail before I knew…_. _And I wanted to ask you what you meant by that, but I guess it slipped my mind. Now I know. This is cool, how does it work?_

"You just press the red dot before talking. It will blink while you speak and then you can tap it again to stop recording."

_Great, let's try it. So we're all set._ She smiled encouragingly at Rachel. _Let's go._ She pressed the start button and the engine came to life.

"Ok, Lima, here we come." Rachel tried, but could not muster as much enthusiasm as she wanted to.

She had mixed feelings about it. She wanted to see her dads and their old friends who would be home for Christmas and Hanukkah again. Her joy of seeing all them again was somewhat diminished by the fact that she would have to face up to tell them what had happened, though.

Well, maybe it was just about time that everybody knew. It was unlikely that her situation would change very soon, if ever. This way she could stop finding excuses for not wanting to meet or talk with them.

One other visit also lay a bit heavily in her stomach.

Shelby had invited her for dinner.

Their contact had been amicable over the past years, but they were not very close. They had written each other e-mails once every couple of weeks and Shelby had visited to watch some of Rachel's shows, but other than that they had kept their distance. So it had really surprised Rachel when she received an invitation for a Christmas dinner from her birth mother. Even more so when Shelby asked if she would mind Quinn being there as well to visit Beth. It had turned out to become a tradition for the two mothers to meet over Christmas.

Rachel had never bothered to tell Shelby about what had happened between her and Quinn in college and much less about the fact that they were lovers now. She had also carefully omitted the fact that she was now deaf. She had also asked her father to not tell anyone else in Lima about her condition. If ever, she wanted to do that herself, including telling Shelby.

Thinking about her fathers brought her inevitably back to the fact that they were currently not on the best of speaking terms. She let out a long breath. Quinn placed a consoling hand on her thigh and squeezed lightly as if she had read her thoughts and wanted to give her some comfort with this gesture.

Well, this would be an interesting home visit. Maybe she should dub this voyage _'Off to new beginnings'_ , Rachel thought. It certainly felt that way.

She watched Quinn expertly weave her way out of the city onto the highway, wondering how _she_ felt about this visit home. The last few days had been so crazy with Quinn's concert and the shows that they did not have time to talk about it. They also did not have time to discuss Rachel's new acquaintances, Lauren and Cara and how good it finally felt having some contact with other deaf people.

Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's that still rested on her thigh and the blond smiled as the brunette quickly lifted it and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's fingers.

When they were on the highway and out of New York's maze of streets, the brunette asked:

"How often do you see Beth?"

Quinn looked at Rachel shortly before turning her attention back on the road again. Wondering if the software would pick up her voice clearly enough, she spoke slowly and in short sentences, pausing in between. Whenever possible she tried to add the corresponding sign with one hand.

Rachel's gaze jumped between Quinn's lips, her hands and the mobile device back and forth.

Surprisingly, the recording and transcription worked quite well, so she understood most of what Quinn told her.

_"I've seen her a couple of times over the years. Shelby also visited the city with her a few times. Beth knows I'm part of her life and always will be, though she does not know the details yet. We started corresponding by e-mails some time ago. So I'm pretty much on top of what happens in her life."_ She stated with a smile.

"How old is Beth now?"

_Eight"_

"Wow! Already?"

_Yes, quite a big girl._

"How does she address you?"

_You mean how she calls me?"_ Rachel nodded _. "She just says Quinn. I'm not gonna be replacing her mom or anything. Though, Shelby might want to tell her one day that I'm her birth mom. We are not sure about that yet; we'll see._

They were silent for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Quinn picked up the conversation again.

_So, how do you feel about that dinner with Shelby?_

Rachel gazed out of the window at the dark landscape. Quinn lightly touched her on the arm and pointed to the phone.

Quickly, the brunette scanned the text that was displayed on the small screen.

"Don't know. I'm nervous, I guess. Shelby and I had some loose contact, but I have only seen Beth only a few times. Will there be other people as well at the dinner?"

Quinn shook her head. _No, usually_ _it's_ _just us. And now you, if you want to come_ _._

"Hm." Rachel was still not sure. She thought about the organization of the next few days.

"So, tonight, we will both be with our parents. You will celebrate with your family tomorrow, right, but come over to my house in the evening, right? And then on the twenty-sixth we have the Glee Club meeting and on the twenty-seventh the dinner with Shelby."

Quinn nodded. _We will have quite a busy vacation. But_ _the twenty-eighth_ _will be our day_ _!_

"Yes, because we'll have to drive back again," Rachel answered dryly.

_Oh, right._ Quinn pouted to show her disappointment. _Can't we just … I don't know, not go to Lima and hide out somewhere in between?_ she sighed, knowing full well that they couldn't.

"We'll find some time for us, sweetie." Rachel consoled her chuckling lightly.

… … …

After a couple of hours they switched seats and Rachel sat behind the wheel. Quinn fell asleep after a while, with Rachel's hand cradled in her own. The brunette had to smile at her girlfriend. She looked so cute and peaceful, with her head tilted slightly in Rachel's direction, a relaxed expression on her face.

She drove on for a while. It was quite boring, going on a long ride without any distraction. She had loved driving around, listening to music, belting out the songs that played on the radio. Now she only had the slowly increasing traffic around her and her own thoughts. This was one of the moments when she felt the loss of music deeply again. It had something almost meditative, driving and singing and letting loose of everything that was on her mind.

Desperately trying to keep her mind distracted, she concentrated on the vibrations of the car she was feeling through the seat under her thighs and through the steering wheel in her hands. Rachel tried to imagine the sound of it. The Mini was a nice and comfortable car and the BMW engine probably gave off a nice purring resonance.

Slowly, the sun began to rise. It promised to be a beautiful winter morning. The snow still lay like a white blanket over the fields and started to reflect the warm orange glow of the sunrise.

Quinn started to stir next to her and stretched her body and arms over her head with a hearty yawn.

"Morning, darling," Rachel greeted her.

_Morning,_ Quinn signed. She looked around and pointed at the sun outside. Then she made the quick sign for 'beautiful'. At least one sing at a time Rachel could read out of the corner of her eye. Reading the text on the phone only worked if she was not driving. Or they had to be very short sentences.

Rachel had deactivated the transcription software. Quinn could now type the short messages for Rachel and hold it up for her to read. Though it was really awkward and as the former singer had to concentrate on the road, conversation was more than sparse.

"You can turn on the radio if you want. I don't mind," Rachel offered.

Quinn looked at her, then shook her head. _I'm okay,_ she signed slowly.

After three hours, they stopped to eat some food for breakfast before Quinn took over again. This time, Rachel felt sleepy and let herself lull into sleep by the car's soft reverberations.

When she woke, she noticed that Quinn had turned on the radio and was apparently singing along to a song.

She watched her for a moment from under her lashes. Then she reached out and placed a hand on the side of Quinn's neck to see if she was singing aloud. It had looked like she was just mouthing the words, though Rachel could not explain why she thought that. She felt the vibrations in her girlfriend's neck, who courteously continued what she was doing for Rachel's exploration.

_You're awake,_ the blonde signed clumsily with one hand on the steering wheel.

"Yes. Where are we?" Rachel looked around, still a little tired.

_Just past the border of Ohio._

"Oh, great. Not so far to go. We'll be there early. Maybe we can then enjoy some coffee at the Lima Bean. Somehow that's the first place I'd like to go."

Quinn turned the radio off and Rachel activated her mobile phone again.

_We can do that, if you want. I'd like to go there too. Should we drop our luggage first? Or go before we meet the family?_

"Well, I think we should say hello first."

Quinn nodded. "Ok."

… … …

The rest of the ride went smoothly. The traffic was okay and the weather held, so the roads stayed clear.

They switched seats again for the last leg of the journey. They decided that they would meet at the café later in the afternoon.

Rachel's heart started pounding loudly in her chest as they crossed the Lima city limit.

She finally parked the Mini in her dad's driveway and then just sat there. She could not move; she wanted to stay in the car and turn around as quickly as possible.

Meeting all the people she knew and having to tell them about her accident was not something she was really looking forward to. But she also knew that once she had gotten over it, it would make things easier. She wouldn't have to find excuses anymore on why she never called Tina, why she didn't want to Skype with Mercedes or Puck and why the hell she never told Artie what she thought about his new film. He'd sent her the raw version.

It did not have subtitles.

A hand on her arm startled her out of her thoughts. She jumped slightly and saw Quinn's concerned face in front of her.

"Sorry. Just lost in space," she apologized with a small smile.

_Come on, let's go. We'll see each other again shortly. I know you are a little nervous about this whole trip._

"A "little nervous" is an understatement. I feel like I'm standing in front of a huge obstacle course and can't see the end of it." Rachel let out a deep breath. "Well, I won't get a head start staying here in the car, you're right. Besides, you have to face meeting your mom and I know you are not comfortable with that either."

She reached out, cupped Quinn's face and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

_Let's go face our demons,_ Quinn laughed to lighten the mood a bit.

Rachel had to laugh as well. "Right."

She got out and as if on command the front door of the house flew open and Leroy came out.

Throwing a quick glance at Quinn, Rachel stepped forward and met her father in an embrace.

"Hey pumpkin! How are you? Good to see you!" Then he turned and lightly hugged a surprised Quinn. "Hello Quinn. Nice to see you, too!"

Rachel noted gratefully that he tried to sign while speaking. That was at least something. Maybe they had taken her comment on her birthday to their hearts.

"Nice to see you, too, Mr. Berry," Quinn answered politely in both ways.

"Leroy, call me Leroy." Rachel's dad offered and Rachel thought that she needed to give them all name signs, because her father struggled with signing the name a bit. Yes, that's what she would do first thing tonight, think about appropriate name signs. And one for Quinn. But that she had already figured out. She just wanted to tell her girlfriend at the right moment.

Leroy motioned for both women to come into the house, but Quinn excused herself.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go to see my mom and my sister. I will come by tomorrow evening, if that is all right with you." She looked between the father and daughter.

"Sure, Quinn, you are welcome here." Leroy answered. When he noticed that both were waiting for him to give them a short moment of privacy, he quickly turned and mouthed "I'll be inside".

Quinn smiled and pulled Rachel closer and placed a gentle lingering kiss on her full lips. Rachel moaned very quietly when the blonde pulled back again. She did not want her to leave. And Quinn apparently was in no rush to part either.

After few more kisses and lingering glances, Rachel finally managed extract herself from Quinn's embrace. The clattering of their teeth and the trembling from the cold helped.

"Honey, get in the car. It's really cold outside here. We'll see each other later. Text me when you feel like leaving, ok? No matter when. Can't wait to see you!"

_Me too! Ok. See you later, sweet,_ the blonde signed and with one last kiss, turned and walked towards the car.

"Quinn, wait! My luggage!" Rachel remembered and sprinted after her.

"Oh. Right." _I forgot!_

Together, they heaved Rachel's bags out of the trunk. Both knew it would just get harder the longer they waited, but they did not want to separate. Not even for just a few hours. But after a short hug, Rachel sent her girlfriend on her way.

She watched the car disappear down the street.

It felt weird being back. Everything seemed so familiar and yet so strange in its soundless, silent-movie state.

Turning, she carried her bags inside, mustering a smile for her father.

_It's good to have you home,_ he signed.

She looked at him for a moment, debating with herself to give the easy answer ' _good to be home'_ or the honest one.

_To be honest, it feels strange. I'm not really comfortable meeting all the familiar people and having to tell them what happened,_ she signed, falling back into her old routine with her dads.

Leroy stepped closer and softly stroked his hand over his daughter's head. Then he pulled her close into an embrace.

Rachel let herself be held for a moment. The gesture said more than words.

Slowly, she pulled back and smiled up at her father's face and forced herself to speak. "I'll go and put my stuff away. When is dad coming home?"

_In half an hour, I think._

"Ok. I'll take a quick shower and come back down when I'm finished."

Leroy nodded and thoughtfully followed his daughter with his gaze.

… … …

Twenty minutes later, Rachel came down the stairs again, her hair still slightly damp from the shower. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, the front door opened and Hiram stepped inside.

Seeing his daughter standing there, he laughed and lifted her off the floor in a small twirl.

When Rachel had her feet safely on the ground again, she chuckled, deliberately trying to keep the mood light. "Did you miss me or what?"

_Yes I did. We did. Glad to have you here for a couple of days._

Rachel nodded slowly. She noticed however, that her father's signing had slightly improved.

"Cake and tea, as always?" Hiram asked almost shyly, speaking and signing. It had been a ritual ever since Rachel was little and no matter how long she had been away and what time she came back, they would always have cake and tea to catch up.

Hiram dropped his coat and bag and all three of them moved into the kitchen. Rachel busied herself with the brewing of the beverage, while her dads set the table and cut the rich vegan chocolate cake.

Settling around the table in the kitchen, Rachel felt slightly uncomfortable. It was the first time she was home since the accident. Usually the cake and tea ritual would be accompanied with a lot of laughter and chatting between her and her dads.

Now, she did not know what to say.

The petite woman looked at her plate and played with a piece of food. She could feel the tension build in her stomach. She was just here for an hour. How was she supposed to survive this for another five days if her nerves were so high strung already?

Rachel forced herself to exhale slowly. She was not alone here. She had two good friends and Quinn who would support her. That was a great relief. Santana had decided to come back for Christmas, not wanting to stay in the city with her family if her friends were all going back to Lima. Jenna would also be going home to Providence over the holidays. So Santana had booked a flight for the twenty-sixth very early in the morning to at least come to the Glee Club meeting.

Rachel felt a tap on her hand. Looking up, she found Hiram had lifted his hands.

_Where have you been?_

She shrugged. _Lost in thoughts_. She answered with her hands.

_Can we talk about the white elephant in the room?_ Hiram surprised his daughter with this question and his signing again.

"What?" She was not sure if she had understood correctly.

_Rachel, you are right. We have to discuss a couple of things._

The brunette opened her mouth and closed it again. Frowning, she looked from Leroy to Hiram. So she had understood her dad perfectly. She was still surprised that they started the discussion, while she was still wondering how to get the whole thing going.

"Yes, we do." She answered.

Something had changed. She was not quite sure what, but something was different with her parents.

Again, Hiram lifted his hands. Rachel watched him carefully forming the signs, while he spoke the words aloud as well so his husband could hear. Even though he was still not fluent, his signing had improved. Rachel wondered how that was possible in the short time since their last talk.

_We miss you Rachel. We miss talking to you; we miss you telling us what is going on in your life. With talking, I don't necessarily mean speaking. But we want to know how you feel, what you're doing, how you're doing._

Instead of answering at their comments, she asked _: What happened with your signing? You seem to have gotten better_.

Hiram looked at his husband. Leroy decided to answer that question. While he signed, his eyes skipped to the pad that lay next to him, but he obviously forced himself to keep his hands up.

Rachel almost had to smile at the effort. She still had to concentrate to piece together the meaning of his signs, as Leroy was not quite as proficient as his husband. Still, Rachel appreciated him trying.

_After your birthday, we were a little hurt from your comment. But when we discussed it, we also tried to understand it from your point of view. So….._

Hiram lifted his hands and took over again. _So we decided we needed to practice more. You were right. Not seeing you every day did not count as an excuse for not practicing to sign. After our phone call, we decided to start signing in parallel every time we talked to each other._

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "In every conversation?" Her gaze skipped from one dad to the other. Deciding that she would keep up the exercise for her dads, she accompanied her words with signs as well when she spoke.

Hiram nodded. _Yes, from_ _waking up in_ _the morning until_ _going_ _to bed, at least when we're here at home. We even did it a couple of times when we were out shopping or out for dinner._

"Um, I…. I don't know what to say." Rachel was really impressed. And surprised.

She had not counted on her dads to really make such an effort. She felt tears stinging in her eyes. She swallowed twice before she managed to answer.

_Thank you,_ she signed, not trusting her voice as she was still trying to fight back the tears. After taking a couple of deep breaths and Leroy squeezing her hand slightly in silent comfort, she managed to get some control over her emotions.

After a moment, she took another deep breath.

"I guess I also owe you an apology and an explanation for why I behaved the way I did and how I felt these past months."

_Yes. Please don't shut us out of your life anymore,_ Leroy stated.

"Ok. I will try not to."

Rachel collected her thoughts and then started explaining, while her hands never ceased to form the words in parallel.

"It was really hard for me to comprehend why you couldn't understand what I needed. It seemed to me that you didn't even try to put yourselves in my shoes for once. I felt like my _friends_ were more considerate than my own parents." Rachel tried to keep her voice even and not sound too accusing despite the quite honest words.

Carefully she tried to express the next questions with a softer voice.

"How do you think it made me feel to see that you seem to pretend like nothing happened? That you didn't even try to consider what being deaf means? I felt like an outcast in my own family. I felt like I always had to try to accommodate you, while I needed - still need - your support."

She paused for a second, resting her hands in her lap and searched her dads' faces who looked quite guilty, hearing their daughter's words. Rachel wanted to focus on getting her dads to understand her and to find a solution on how to improve the whole situation between them. She did not want them to feel guilty. Not anymore.

"I can see that you're really trying to understand my situation better. I truly appreciate that."

Her dad's eyes skipped between her eyes and her hands. It was interesting to watch that they tried to absorb the signs, even though she was speaking to them.

Rachel watched Leroy lift his hands from the table to answer, while her other dad squeezed her hand in a silent thank you for her last comment.

_Honey,_ _for us_ _it is just so hard to know that you had to give up all your dreams, to know that everything you've ever wanted_ _and worked for_ _is lost. All we want is to be able to turn back time and erase your accident from history. It's just so hard to see you so broken._

Rachel looked at Leroy and asked herself if she had understood his signs correctly. She repeated the last one as a question.

_Broken?_

He nodded.

"You still see me as _broken_?"

Leroy hesitantly nodded again.

Rachel sighed and looked at the floor, collecting her thoughts.

Good Lord.

When she had moved on, her dads still saw her being caught up in the denial and depression phase. Not having witnessed their daughter evolve had somehow trapped them in the same state.

The petite woman casted her brown eyes on her fathers and took up the conversation where they had left it. The anger she had felt all those months ago had disappeared. Now, realizing where they stood, she knew what she had to do in order to make them understand. She needed to explain to them how far she had come.

"I admit, the following months after the accident I was really devastated. I was so desperate, so lost and so afraid that I honestly thought about ending my life."

Rachel watched her fathers' reaction at her revelation. Apparently, this was something they had considered.

Hiram nodded. _We were afraid for a while that you would try,_ he admitted, his eyes full of pain and worry.

"Yes. Luckily I had some sense left to give myself a chance. I've managed to move on and to take steps forward. Granted, they were small steps, but I am moving forward. I know that I have minimized our contact over the past months. It must not have been easy for you. And I guess I can't blame you for thinking I am still stuck at the same point I was in when you moved back to Lima." She paused for a moment. "Since then a lot has happened." Rachel smiled, thinking about all the people she had reconnected with and the new friends she had made.

_Quinn?_ Hiram asked with a smile.

Rachel inclined her head slightly. "I let my friends back into my life. They helped and still help me immensely to face the everyday challenges. They don't wrap me in cotton and they don't sugarcoat much." A crooked smile played around her lips while she thought about Santana and her open, honest and sometimes painfully true words.

"Sometimes they just throw me out into the cold water." She added and told them about the visit at Quinn's show and her birthday party at the club.

Her dad's reacted with raised eyebrows at that, never having guessed that his now deaf daughter would ever – ever go anywhere near a place that had anything to do with music. It took them by surprise to learn otherwise and that she had even enjoyed herself somehow.

_They took you to a club on your birthday?_ Hiram reassured himself with an incredulous look on his face. He would never have imagined such a possibility.

Rachel laughed. "Yes they did. I was a little shocked, too, when I learned where they were taking me. But they did it under very considerate circumstances, so it was ok in the end. And I trusted them. That's why I went along in the first place."

_And Santana took you to Quinn's show on Broadway?_ Leroy found that was even more incredulous.

"Um, yes, she did. Though I only knew where she was taking me when we were already standing in front of the building." Rachel shrugged. "I figured I could at least try and find out how it would feel to step into a theater again. Even if it was just through the back door." She laughed. "And it was actually really great, considering the circumstances. Sure I did miss the music, but Quinn made sure I had a personal performance from her all the way through."

Seeing her dads' questioning looks, she proceeded to tell them about the little gestures Quinn threw at her all through the show, not forgetting to tell them about the flower.

Hiram and Leroy exchanged a look. _We are actually looking forward to get to know Quinn a bit better. We are intrigued after what you told us about her. And we are glad that you have found friends who care so much about you._

"I'm very grateful for that and the fact that they have learned sign language for me." She went on telling them about Kurt and Santana and how she had met them again and how they had become such important people in her life.

_This is really great, Rachel. They are good friends. Kurt asked us how you were once or twice, while you were still in the hospital._ Hiram explained.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I know. After talking to you and hearing about my condition, he started learning ASL even though I did not want to meet anyone in the beginning. So when I finally did agree to see him again – I went to visit him at our old apartment – you can imagine my surprise at seeing him signing!" She chuckled at the memory.

After a moment, she sobered again.

"You see, he was "just" a friend and even though I didn't want to have anything to do with him in the beginning, he tried to learn sign language as much as possible to communicate with me, should we ever come back to being friends again. It made it so much harder to understand, why it is – or was – so hard for you to put the same effort into learning _my_ new way of communication. If you could look beyond the fact that I can't hear, maybe we could bring our relationship to where it was before. I'm deaf, but I am still your daughter."

Rachel looked from one dad to the other, trying to read their feelings and emotions, trying to figure out by their body language what they were thinking.

She had tried to speak in an even tone, without sounding reproachful. The words were still a bit hard and she was not finished. They had asked what was going on in her head and she needed to tell them how their behavior had made her feel.

"I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I need to get this off my chest. Otherwise this white elephant, as you so nicely put it, dad, will never disappear."

_It's ok honey. We just felt or still feel so insecure about this whole situation. Not knowing how to deal with this and not knowing how to deal with you is just the worst for parents. To see their child suffer and not being able to help is nothing I would even wish my greatest enemy to go through. And I'd rather have you rambling – verbally or in ASL,_ Hiram signed smiling, _than having to endure this literal silence between us any longer._

"Yes, I don't want that either. I know it isn't easy for you to accept what happened either." She looked pensively at her hands for a moment.

"I'm still learning to accept me as I am. It is not always easy; sometimes I still have to fight against my own depreciating thoughts and doubts, but I have people around me who believe in me. I still have dreams and I will figure out what to do with my life. I want to share these dreams and thoughts with you, but it is really hard for me to be around you when I see that every time you want to talk to me it costs you so much effort and you have to struggle to say the most basic things. And often it was not easy for me to piece together what you are trying to say, though your signing has really gotten better."

_Yes, I guess your little wake-up call has helped a little._

"Dads, this is really important to me. The only way I have to communicate with you is through your sign language. I might learn to read your lips better one day, but sign language is my only connection I have with you for now if you want to talk to me! So I'm really glad you are trying." She took another breath to add something, but closed her mouth again.

She had told them enough already.

But her dads caught on. _Out with it. Come on, you wanted to say something more. You always get that little frown when you have to say something._

"I do?" She asked curiously.

_Yes you do. So, what else is on your mind?_ Leroy prompted her again with a small encouraging smile.

"Ok." Again she took a deep breath.

"Please, please try to be more considerate with your behavior around me. You kept sneaking up on me, scaring the bejesus out of me. I can't hear you, I don't know if someone has entered a room if I don't see them. Make yourself known. Something very easy is switching the lights on and off. Interpret your words when I'm in the room, even though you're not speaking to me directly. It is just so impolite to talk in front of me and not even giving me the slightest chance of understanding by at least facing me so I can try to read your lips."

She hoped so much that they would take these seemingly little things into account.

"I know it is much more comfortable for you to say something without having to think about the signs, especially if it does not concern me. But this is just a small discomfort for you compared to mine."

Her dads nodded and Hiram told is daughter: _We promise to think more about our behavior around you. And please tell us right away if something bothers you, ok? Don't swallow it up anymore._

Rachel nodded. "Fair enough."

Then Leroy asked: _How did your friends cope?_ _How were_ _they_ _trying to_ _understand_ _your situation_ _?_

She raised her hands and explained: "Quinn, for example, had some special sound proof earplugs that she wore one evening. They helped her understand – at least to a certain extent – what it actually means to be deaf. Not being able to hear conversations, ambient noise to orient oneself to other sounds. Those earplugs filtered most of the noises so she got a very good impression of what I'm going through."

Leroy nodded. _You think we can ask her about that tomorrow when we see her?_

Rachel nodded. "I'm sure she'll be ok to talk about her experience."

They were silent for a moment, each of them letting the conversation sink in.

Rachel drank the rest of her tea, gazing at her dads above the rim of her cup. Slowly she set it back down on the table.

"I missed you so much. I need you. I need my dads!"

She got up and stood between the two men and threw small arms around each of them. They hugged her back and held her very close.

_We missed you too. And I'm glad that we had a very honest talk. Thanks for letting us know more about your life during the past months._ Leroy managed to sign.

_Care to tell us how you and Quinn got together now?_ Hiram added.

"Well, maybe that can wait until tomorrow evening? I'm going to meet Quinn at the Lima Bean a little later."

_What, you want to leave us again? You just got here!_ Leroy playfully pulled a face.

"Ah, you'll have me back in the evening. I promise."

_Can't you tell us then? Why do we have to wait until tomorrow?_ Leroy still looked disappointed and pushed his lower lip out which made Rachel laugh.

"Because I'd like Quinn to stay over here for the night. Then you can get her side of the story as well.

Her dad sighed. _Ok. Fine. Guess we have to be patient a little longer,_ Hiram grumbled, but had a slight smile playing round his lips.

They hugged again before Rachel went upstairs to gather her purse. Grabbing her phone, she quickly sent a message to Quinn.

_Hey honey! I'm ready for some coffee now? How about you?_  
Miss you!  
R.

A couple of minutes later the answer came back.

_Ready to rumble! Let's meet in front of the coffee shop  
in twenty, ok?_

_OK!_ Then Rachel added another sentence. _Got news for you._

_What news? What?_ Quinn's curiosity seemed to jump right out of the phone.

_Patience! You'll hear soon enough. Just so much:  
Had "the talk" with my dads._

_Oh. And?_ _  
How did it go?_

_Sorry that I didn't wait until you were here, but it just seemed  
to be the right moment_ _, especially  
since _ they _started it. It was okay._  
 _Feels good. Details later!_  
 _Gotta go! Have a date :-)_

_Well, me too. ;-).  
Xoxoxoxo Quinn_

Rachel dropped the phone in her bag and walked back downstairs. It felt so good to have had that conversation with her dads. It seemed like a huge barrier between them had been lifted She grabbed her jacket from the wardrobe from under the stairs and walked back into the kitchen, where she found her dads exchanging a quick kiss.

She looked at the floor, clearing her throat. Gazing back up, she apologized.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your little vows of love. I'm off. See you later."

_Ok._ _See you_ _later_ _honey._ _Tell Quinn we said hello._ _Have fun._

Rachel nodded and headed towards the door. Outside she leaned against the wood for a moment, taking a deep breath. She had played it cool with her dads, but now she felt the nervousness come back. What if she met someone on the way? What if other Glee Clubbers where already in town also getting a coffee?

Well, it made no sense playing out the dramas in her head. She would just have to wait and see.

Slowly she walked down the driveway, not knowing that she would not run into old friends, but someone else entirely.

* * *

**Just a note on the development of the relationship between Rachel and her dads. Originally when I wrote that scene, it was much harsher and did not end that well. Rachel really told them off and refused to speak to them afterwards. I had written that scene some time ago when the chapters leading up to this encounter had not been written yet.**

**So when I finally got there and reviewed the scene it just did not feel right anymore for me. I thought the talk should still happen, but not in the way I originally had imagined. After all, they still love their daughter and Rachel still wants them to be a functioning family again, despite the circumstances.**

**So the feel of that encounter with her dads had changed for me slightly over the course of time and they came out more understanding and willing to cooperate.**

**They were a functional family before so I think that even though the accident caused a rift between them, they would manage to grow together again.**

**Had we been talking about Russell Fabray, well, that would have been a different story, but not with the two Berry men. I guess they just needed a little nudge into the right direction, which they have received from Rachel. And they took their chance to make the best out of it, just like Rachel did by telling them so much about her past months.**


	43. Chapter 43

 

**I still want to thank Nicole (aka Diannasbacon) for giving me constant feedback and that since the first chapter. I'm really grateful, especially since she is writing her own story in parallel. And I know how much work _that_ is. :-)**

**I don't own Glee! Still not.**

* * *

 

**Chapter 43**

Rachel stood in front of the Lima Bean coffee shop and felt quite nervous. Quinn had texted her that she would be fifteen minutes late. She had apologizing profoundly because her mom and sister had taken the Mini and got stuck in traffic. Judy's car had a flat tire and Francine had come by train. That was why they had borrowed the rental car to run some last errands and why Quinn had to walk all the way to Lima Bean now.

Despite all that Rachel had managed to face, she had yet to do something as simple as going into a coffee shop or restaurant by herself. She had always visited the little vegan place close to her apartment with her dads when they were still in the city after her accident. Supermarket visits did not count, it was never required of her to talk or communicate much there; usually she could see the sum above the cash register and hand out the money.

She debated whether to meet Quinn half way or to work up the spunk and enter.

It would definitely be easier to wait for Quinn.

Then again, sooner or later she would have to learn to face people and situations without an interpreter. Carmen had wanted to train such situations with her in the beginning, but Rachel had always refused, feeling too shy and vulnerable, even with her teacher at her side.

Carmen accepted that Rachel needed more time to face certain situations and encounters.

Little did Carmen know that Rachel's friends had managed to break the former singer out of her cocoon. Rachel wondered why something as little as ordering coffee for herself and Quinn was such a major thing now. She had gone to a Broadway show; she had been to a club and even Quinn's concerted, why was it so hard to do something so simple now?

The fact was that there was almost always someone with her who knew about her condition and who could interpret for her. Now, she would be all by herself in very familiar surroundings. Rachel realized that was what disturbed her most.

It was not the facing the situation alone, it was more the familiar setting and the fear of not being able to handle being reminded of the "good" old times. A time when the Lima Bean had been one of the few places she felt home - besides the choir room.

She had three choices. Either wait for Quinn outside and freeze her toes off, step inside, sit quietly in the corner and wait for her girlfriend to order – or she could do the most reasonable thing.

Go inside, order the damn coffees and surprise Quinn with a nice warm drink after her walk through the cold.

God, it was pathetic. Something that never caused her to think twice in the past was now causing her brain to reel and her stomach to churn inside.

Looking at the time on her phone, she realized that Quinn would still need more time until she got there. Rachel was getting really cold.

She hoped she would not meet any of her old friends in there, she needed to tackle one thing at a time.

Rachel took a deep breath and walked up the stairs, her heart hammering in her chest.

Opening the door, the familiar smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted across the room to her and for a second she felt pulled back in time. Only this time the whole scenery was enfolding soundlessly in front of her. Rachel blinked quickly and zoomed back into the present. Without looking left or right she headed for the bar. Luckily there seemed to be a lull in the customer stream and she was the only one ready to order.

She already knew what she would get and what to order for Quinn, vaguely remembering the special blend she had liked in high school.

When the petite woman noticed the guy behind the counter looking at her, she concentrated hard on his lips. Rachel guessed up front what he would say – they usually asked you the same thing all the time at such stores. So it was easy to read from his lips.

After his obligatory _Hi, what can I get you,_ Rachel placed her order.

"Hi, I'll have one medium Chai Latte with soy milk and one Mocchachino with regular milk, large, please. I'd like to have the chai tea with cinnamon on top and a small shot of caramel." Nervously she licked her lips, trying to not stare too obviously but needing to keep her attention on his face to notice if he was saying something else.

The problem was that he tilted his head while writing down her order and she could only see his jaw move, not sure if what he was saying was directed at her. When she did not reply, the guy looked up questioningly.

"Excuse me, I…. I can't hear you. Can you please look at me directly and repeat slowly what you were saying or write it down?" she asked with her heart beating so hard she was afraid he might see it through her thick winter coat.

After a second of digesting what she had said, he nodded, said "sure", which was easy enough to pick up and scribbled something down on the notepad in front of him.

_You want it to go or are you staying here?_

A little relieved she smiled at him. "We'll stay here."

_You want_ _chocolate powder on top of the Mocchachino?_ He scribbled below his first question.

"Yes, please."

"Ok," he nodded and set to work. Rachel cast a cautious glance around, but did not recognize anyone familiar, which relieved her immensely. Then she cast her attention back on the guy serving her in order to not miss it if he tried to get her attention.

When finished, he placed the two cups in front of her, pointed at the one with the cinnamon on top and said "Chai."

Rachel nodded her comprehension and placed a ten dollar bill on the counter and took the change back. With the two cups in her hand she sauntered over to a small table with comfortable seats in a corner to the left of the counter and sat down. She fished out her mobile again, bent over the device and sent Quinn a quick message.

_Hi sweet, I secured us a table and two nice hot drinks :-).  
So you can warm up quickly._

The answer did not take long to arrive.

_Thaaaaank you honey, my hands are freezing_   
_despite the gloves. The coffee will help,_   
_but you and a kiss will make it even better!_   
_Just met an old cheerio friend that held me up for a second,_   
_but I'll be with you in about ten. I'm running!_

Rachel smiled, placed the phone on the table and turned to dig out a small notebook from her bag. She had started something like a diary some time ago. Whenever she felt that something noteworthy had happened, she would write it down. She had actually done this already very early after the accident, but stopped it after the first three months since her life had only turned into a dreary routine. She had - first sporadically, then more often – began to note down her thoughts, feelings and progresses again only with Quinn entering her life.

Bent over the paper, she suddenly noticed someone standing at her table out of the corner of her eye. She looked up, smiling brightly with the expectation to see Quinn.

When she noticed her mistake, her smile faltered.

"Shelby," she breathed rather ungraciously, quickly trying to fix a smile back into her face. She only half succeeded.

Shelby smiled an honest and wide smile "Hi Rachel!" She opened her arms a little and said something that looked like _don't I get a hug_ when Rachel had not moved from her chair.

Slowly Rachel got up and hugged the other woman, letting herself be held for a couple of seconds before drawing back. This surprise meeting was something that she had not considered at all. She expected meeting some old friends maybe, but Shelby? She had not been on Rachel's radar for the Lima Bean Café at all.

She miserably failed to show the same enthusiasm as Shelby and felt a little ashamed.

Then she noticed the other woman point at the second glass and watched her lips move.

"Sorry, you…interrupt…ok, Rachel?" was all she understood.

After a moment, Shelby repeated her name. "Rachel?"

Shelby noticed Rachel's questioning look and her being focused on her lips only.

"Are you ok? You ... pale."

At least that she had managed to understand

"I, um, I, yeah, I'm ok."

Rachel looked down at her tea and then back up at her birth mother. _Might as well spill the beans now_ , she thought. It would not make sense to put it off any longer since Shelby would surely notice what exactly was wrong with her anyway.

Before she could say anything, she saw the other woman's mouth move again. Quickly, she cast her eyes on her lips, but she had missed the beginning of the sentence and thus did not understand at all what the former Vocal Adrenaline coach said.

She grimaced before she could stop herself.

Rachel watched Shelby furrow her brows, studying her.

Then the other woman was astonishingly quick to make the connection.

Rachel noticed the smile disappear from her face and be replaced by a look of confusion and then dismay as the realization dawned. After a couple of seconds Shelby pointed at Rachel and then at her own ear. Those were not standard ASL signs, but nevertheless they helped Rachel to understand the question the other woman was asking.

"Can you hear me?" Shelby asked hesitantly.

Rachel swallowed and bit her lip. Then she slowly shook her head. "I… um, no." Then she noticed another figure nearing them and a wave of relief flooded though her. The feeling was so strong that she almost felt like crying.

"Quinn!" She hd never felt happier to see her girlfriend.

Shelby turned around and greeted the blonde woman with a smile and light hug.

"Hello Quinn, what a surprise! Good to see you."

Raising her hands hesitatingly she looked at Rachel to ask if it was ok to interpret. Rachel nodded.

Quinn immediately interpreted the older woman's and her own words, noticing the questioning look on Shelby's face. Apparently Rachel's mother was a little surprised at the familiarity that Quinn displayed with the American sign language.

"Hello Shelby, I did not expect to see you here." With a quick glance at Rachel the blonde asked,signing without voicing the words: _Are you ok?_

Rachel nodded. Quinn slid into the seat next to Rachel, exchanging a quick kiss with her.

_That's for me?_ She asked and pulled the cup close after her girlfriend nodded. _Thanks_ , and she pecked a short kiss on Rachel's cheek.

Only then did she notice Shelby's astonished look. This time it was not caused by the sign language but rather the intimate gestures the two younger women had just shared.

"Mind if I sit down for a moment?" the brown haired woman asked, looking from Quinn to Rachel.

Rachel shook her head hesitatingly. She nudged her chin at the seat opposite her, indicating for Shelby to sit down.

"I… um, I guess a lot happened in your lives since we last talked," Shelby breathed and lowered herself into the chair.

Quinn interpreted and Rachel answered. "Yes. I guess it has."

Then the blonde tapped her on the arm. _Let me sit next to Shelby, that will make it easier for you to see my hands._

She got up and explained to Shelby why she wanted to switch seats.

"Oh. Right."

After a moment of awkward silence, Shelby reached across the table and grabbed Rachel's hand. Looking up from playing with her drink, Rachel found her mother's eyes gazing at her intently. She already anticipated the next question.

"What happened?" The older woman's gaze flicked between Rachel and Quinn, not sure who would be doing the explaining.

"You mean with us or with Rachel?" Quinn asked with a small smile while her hands moved through the air.

"Ah, both I'd say."

Quinn looked at her girlfriend and with a little nod Rachel told her that she herself would do the explaining.

After she had given the short version of events that led to her deafness, Rachel found Shelby sitting in her chair, brows furrowed, looking at her. Then she watched her slowly letting out a long breath.

Looking at Quinn, Shelby asked: "So she is…" then corrected herself before either of the other two could say anything and looked at Rachel, "So you are completely deaf?"

"Yes. And no, there is not much they can do about it currently, in case you were wondering." She answered the next unspoken question once Quinn had interpreted.

"Rachel, I don't know what to say." Shelby blinked and shook her head slightly. "How… What…. how did you…do you cope with this all?"

The petite woman fiddled a little more with the spoon in her cup, sorting her thoughts before she told Shelby about her time in the hospital, her lessons with Carmen and her trying just to get through every day. Shelby seemed genuinely concerned and interested in the whole situation and when she kept asking for more and more details, her daughter proceeded telling her about the emotional ups and downs, her failures and little successes.

Just like Hiram and Leroy, she was surprised when she learned that Rachel's friends had managed to coax her to go the club and a musical. And that she had managed to attend Quinn's concert.

Shelby was especially interested in how Rachel experienced those events without her hearing.

Rachel was a bit astonished at the level of details that Shelby wanted to know, but sensing her truthfulness behind the questions, she was willing to explain as much as she could.

Quinn acted as an interpreter and did not say much otherwise, giving Rachel the possibility to describe everything her way.

After all of her questions had been answered, Shelby digested everything for a while with a pensive look on her face. Quinn and Rachel exchanged a small smile across the table and sipped on their drinks.

"So what happens now?" Shelby then asked, following Quinn's hands as she interpreted her words.

Rachel looked at the dark haired woman questioningly. "What do you mean what happens now?"

"Maybe that's a little early to ask … I don't know …but do you know what you want to do now?" Shelby rephrased her question with a sympathetic look.

Rachel shrugged and started fiddling with the spoon in her glass again. That was a question she had dreaded, tough it seemed so typical for the former choir coach, who always needed a vision or a plan or an idea how to continue. Then setting forth with fierce determination to turn it into reality.

She wished she could say the same for herself now.

Shelby watched Rachel continue to play with her spoon before she placed a hand on her daughter's to still the nervous movements.

Rachel was not willing to speak of her dreams to Shelby yet. They were still too fragile to be discussed with someone she was not as close as with her dads, or her friends. Let alone that she had not even _told_ her dads about her thoughts yet. It had been ok to speak about the accident and the consequences with Shelby, but not her dreams. Not yet.

Shelby leaned forward slightly, surprising Rachel with her next question.

"Will you give up the show biz completely? Maybe you could still act."

When Rachel felt her head jerked up, she knew she just had betrayed herself, because Shelby obviously read in her face that she had hit the bull's eye. However, why was it that people thought she could still do it? Even though _she_ dreamed about it and somehow had the irrational hope she _could_ somehow manage to do it, it surprised her that others thought the same.

"You have thought about it." The other woman stated with a hint of a smile.

"Well, yes, but I don't want to discuss it. I still need some time to come to terms with all … this."

Shelby nodded. "It's ok. I don't want to rush or intrude. Just know that whenever you need help, support or… whatever, I'll try to do as much as I can." And she looked her daughter sincerely in the eyes.

"Thank you, Shelby," Rachel managed in a small voice, a little overwhelmed at the gesture. She had almost expected rejection of her dream, especially from someone as talented as Shelby Corcoran. That she actually offered her support was something the petite woman had not expected.

Giving Rachel some time to ponder her offer, Shelby turned to look at Quinn, smiling.

"And…. How… I mean, I know you went to school together, but you seem to be a little more than just old friends… if I may say so…" She let her voice drift off.

Quinn sighed and smiled. "Well, that's a long story and better be told another time, maybe. Let's just say we met at the community center where Rachel is taking ASL lessons. We didn't have much contact before…," this comment earned her a challenging look with a raised eyebrow from Rachel, "Well, we didn't have _any_ contact for about four years, but we managed to… reconnect and, well, found out that we love each other. Have loved each other for a long time."

"I see." Shelby's gaze wandered between her daughter's and Quinn's face.

"How come neither of you told me about any of this? That you didn't have any contact anymore and what happened then…"

Both younger women shrugged simultaneously. "Don't know, it was hard for me to not see Rachel and I just couldn't talk about it to anyone. Not even my old friends," Quinn explained.

"Same for me. There was just too much pain involved to talk about it." Rachel added. "But that's the past. Today everything looks different," she added with a glance directed at Quinn.

Shelby genuinely smiled, stating: "I'm happy for you, for both of you."

"Thank you," Rachel managed a little shyly, but nevertheless glad to find acceptance in the other woman and not only in her relationship with Quinn.

After noticing that neither woman wanted to say more, Quinn took the chance to change the subject. "How's Beth?"

"Oh, she's fine. She's happy that she's going to see you, Quinn. And you, too, Rachel. I told her you would be joining us for our Christmas dinner as well. She never stopped talking about you after she saw you in _Funny Girl_ … ah, I mean, I… sorry I brought that up." Shelby stuttered.

"It's ok Shelby. No need to avoid the topic. It was an important part of my life, so it's fine to talk about it."

Shelby and Quinn turned suddenly when a blonde girl came scampering over to their table, stopping short when she saw the other two women, acting a bit shy all of a sudden.

"Hi mom!"

Shelby got up "Speak of the devil," she smiled at the women and turned to greet her daughter, chatting shortly with the other mother who had brought Beth over after her visit to her friend's house.

When the other woman left, Shelby knelt in front of Beth. Quinn decided to interpret the small conversation for Rachel's benefit.

"Ready for your tea?"

Beth nodded enthusiastically.

"Wanna say hello to Quinn and Rachel first?" Shelby waved at the other two young women.

Rachel noticed how Beth eyes wandered from her to Quinn and then stayed glued on Quinn's hands.

Not answering her mother's questions she asked the blond woman: "Why do you make those funny movements with your hand?"

"Remember Kindergarten, when that lady came to teach you to speak with your hands? You sang these little songs and signed the words along." Shelby explained.

The girl's eyes lit up. "Yeah, Ms. Baily. Is that what you're doing? Speaking with your hands? Why?"

Quinn nodded. "Yes. That's what I'm doing." She answered and looked at her girlfriend.

"And why?" The little girl asked again.

Rachel found the courage to speak up. "Because I can't hear, Beth. Quinn is interpreting your words with her hands, so I can understand."

Beth looked at her with big eyes.

Shelby introduced the brunette. "You remember Rachel?"

Beth nodded absently at her mother's question.

"You can't hear?" She asked curiously, looking at the brunette.

Shelby noticed that her tea had been forgotten and sat back down, pulling her daughter onto her lap.

Rachel shook her head.

"No. I can't hear anything." Rachel patiently answered, looking at the small, blond girl with the same hazel eyes as Quinn's. The resemblance was amazing.

"Not even if I scream?" Judging from the face the little girl made, Rachel guessed she had raised her voice considerable, causing her mother to shush her.

Rachel threw Quinn an almost amused look. Sometimes kids were so easy to deal with in their directness. No false pretense, no worries that they might overstep boundaries, they just asked what came into their mind.

"No, I won't hear you even if you scream," Rachel explained.

"But you can still talk!" Beth observed.

"Yes I can. I just can't hear myself speak, so it is a bit hard to know how I sound like sometimes."

Beth stuffed her fingers in her own ears and sang "Lalalala", trying to experience what Rachel had just told her.

"I can still hear myself in my head. It sounds funny," she observed.

Quinn laughed. "Yes. You can't really _not_ hear. It's not like closing your eyes and you don't see anything."

Beth thought about that for a moment. "So can you still hear yourself in your head?"

Rachel shook her head again. "No, Beth, I can't hear myself talk, not even in my head."

Beth looked at Rachel, trying to understand what this meant.

"But that's really sad, because then you also can't hear music anymore." The girl stated a little down.

Shelby opened her mouth to stop her daughter's flow of comments and question, not wanting to bother Rachel any further with the topic.

Rachel just lifted her hand to stop her. After having seen the interpretation coming from Quinn's hands, she said:

"Yes, that is true and I really miss listening to music." It was surprisingly easy to talk to Beth about her hearing loss and what it entailed. The little girl made it easy with her curiosity and the fact that she kept looking at Rachel as if she could still hear while she absorbed the signs from Quinn's hands instead.

Quinn was so proud of Rachel for going through the Q & A session with Beth so patiently. It even looked as if her girlfriend enjoyed the honest exchange with the little girl a bit. And she had to admit that she was also proud of her daughter to be so open and accepting of Rachel's deafness. Quinn was relieved that the unplanned encounter had taken on such a positive course.

Beth leaned forward and then her face lit up again a little. "But if you can still talk, then you can still sing, can't you?"

Rachel let out a small laughter. It was always so easy for kids, though this time Rachel had a hard time finding the right answer to that.

Her eyes skipped from Quinn to Shelby and back to Beth.

"Well, it's a bit difficult to sing if I can't hear the music, don't you think?" Rachel gently asked back.

Beth seemed to think about that and then came up with an answer. "Hm, but you can sing without music then! Mom does it all the time at home when she's cooking or in the shower!"

Shelby rolled her eyes, accompanied with a small reproachful "Beth!" directed at the forthcoming nature of her daughter.

This time Rachel did not know what to say to the girl's comment.

"Well, can't you?" Beth asked a little more subdued when she did not get an answer.

Quinn didn't know what to say either. She couldn't contradict Beth. She had heard Rachel sing, even if it was just a short line. But she had _heard_ her.

She saw the same thoughts chasing through Rachel's mind as their eyes met. The same conflict of not wanting to lie to the child was clearly visible in the brown eyes. Though Quinn still didn't know how much Rachel had actually managed to sing with Kurt before the _Last Christmas_ song.

Shelby picked up the silent communication between the two women and decided to steer her daughter clear from the topic. She leaned forward and looked at the blonde girl from the side.

"Beth, I think singing is not as easy as talking if you can't hear yourself, "she explained softly. "And maybe we should stop bombarding Rachel with so many questions, don't you think?"

"But mom…!"

"Beth, Rachel will visit us in a couple of days, maybe you can ask her more questions then. But I believe it's enough for now."

Beth looked chastened at the table and played with a napkin.

Rachel felt bad for being the cause of the little girl getting reprimanded. Before she could say anything, Quinn turned to her daughter.

"Do you want to learn some signs so you can talk to Rachel?"

The girl perked up again at the offer.

"Yes! And I will try to remember some signs that Ms. Baily taught us until you come visit us, Rachel!" The girl's enthusiasm was back.

Shelby got up and Beth slid off her lap. "I'll get us something to drink, if you don't mind us staying for a moment longer," she directed at the two other women.

Rachel shook her head. "No, that's fine." And she meant it.

Despite her shock at meeting her mother unprepared, she actually liked the company, especially Beth's. The young girl was bright and refreshingly uncomplicated. It was a nice change to talk to someone who did not tread on light feet around her disability or was tying a knot in their brain to find the right way of addressing her.

Quinn and Rachel taught Beth some basic signs and greetings and the blonde girl enthusiastically greeted her mom when she came back with their drinks.

"Mom, look, I can say "My name is Beth" and "how are you" in sign language"!" And she turned to Rachel to perform the correct signs.

Rachel smiled approvingly. "Very good, Beth. That was perfect!"

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the proud look on Quinn's face. She was absolutely enthralled at how her daughter wanted to learn to communicate with her girlfriend and how quickly she had picked up the signs.

The blonde excused herself for a moment to head to the bathroom.

Beth started asking something and then looked for Quinn while talking. Rachel furrowed her brows and tried to see what she was saying, but Beth having her head turned away, she was not able to read her lips.

Beth picked up quite quickly on the importance of Quinn's interpretation, even though she kept looking at Rachel when speaking to her. But now that the other woman was gone, the girl wasn't sure how Rachel could understand.

Sensing the girl's insecurity, Rachel reached across the table and tapped Beth on the arm to get her attention. When the girl turned, she explained:

"Beth, you can ask me directly. If you face me, I can try to read your lips."

"Really?"

"Yes, if you in speak short sentences and not too fast." Rachel explained. At that moment Quinn joined them again. Seeing Rachel and Beth engaged in a conversation without her help, she watched curiously.

"How do you say 'I'm fine?'" the girl then asked, looking in Rachel's direction, making an effort to speak slowly. Quinn rested her hands in her lap, waiting to see if Rachel had understood. Rachel smiled at the little girl's consideration.

The brunette showed her the appropriate sign and also the signs how to ask how the other person was. Beth wanted to replay the whole conversation without talking.

When they finished their silent little exchange, Beth clapped delighted into her hands, exclaiming excitedly: "Oh, that's fun! I can talk to you without talking!" The other three women laugh. Quinn had taken up to interpreting again.

While the conversation lightly went back and forth between the two women and the little girl, Rachel felt Shelby's eyes on her. She could not quite read what was going on behind those green eyes as she was concentrating more on Beth, but she felt a little as if she was under a microscope.

At one point, Quinn got up and offered to buy another round of coffees and teas. Shelby suggested that Beth accompany her to help carry the cups.

Rachel knew that Shelby wanted a minute alone with her. Seeing the long line at the counter, they would have quite some time for themselves. The brunette was not sure if she liked that.

Shelby made a writing gesture with her hand, asking aloud in parallel if Rachel had something to write on. She nodded and pulled a small notepad out of her handbag and handed it to the other woman.

_Rachel, I'm still overwhelmed with everything I learned today._

Rachel snorted. "Tell me about it. I didn't expect to meet you here. I had planned on a nice long explanation when I would come to dinner, but I guess the universe had different plans."

Rachel was relieved to see that her little joke made Shelby smile.

_Apparently.  
I will need some time to digest all this. But if there is anything I can help you with, I meant what I said earlier. Let me know. _

Rachel nodded. "I will."

She paused for a moment. Then a strange thought came to her mind. She had no idea why it came up now and why, of all people, she would want to ask Shelby, but part of her instinctively knew that she would get an honest answer from the vocal coach.

"There _is_ something you could do."

Shelby raised her eyebrows slightly in question. Her warm smile made it a bit easier for Rachel to work up her courage to pose the next question.

"I… um, I haven't heard myself speak in almost nine months. How… how do I sound? Does my voice sound different?"

Once it was out, Rachel wanted to bite her tongue. What had possessed her to ask Shelby these questions?

Shelby, apparently sensing Rachel's unease, quickly grabbed one of her hands and squeezed it lightly, before writing something on the pad.

_Rachel, don't feel ashamed for asking that question. And I feel honored that you would asked me. So I will answer it honestly, ok?_

The younger woman nodded slowly, chewing on her lower lip after reading the comment.

"I'm afraid I might lose the ability to inflect my voice with the right intonation over time." She said almost in a whisper.

Shelby continued writing.

_You do sound a little different. If I didn't know your voice so well, I wouldn't have noticed it. But something is different. You sound a little bit more nasal._

"Oh." Rachel swallowed. So she was losing some ability to inflect her voice correctly. Just speaking alone did not help apparently. She probably needed regular training to keep the ability applying correct intonation.

Shelby cocked her head.

_Have you thought about taking speech lessons?_

"I had some in the beginning." The brunette thought for a moment. "Maybe I should take them up again. I guess the longer I can't hear, the harder it will be to remember and to keep up the right inflection. I don't know…" she let her voice trail off, a little at a loss for words, having ignored this topic over the past months.

_Rachel, I don't want to impose, but if you want help, I have a friend in NYC you could work with. Her name is Jasmine Bernstein. She is a vocal teacher and she has a degree in training and teaching children or adults with speech impairments._

Rachel's head jerked up and Shelby held out a pacifying hand, writing another explanation.

_Don't get me wrong, as I have said before, your voice is ok. You still sound good, but maybe it will be easier by starting early to work on keeping that level of intonation etc. that you have now rather than having to re-learn certain things later._

Rachel took a couple of breaths. These were some clear and straight forward statements. These thoughts had always been in the back of her mind, but she had not found the courage to actively address them. It was still too hurtful to think about being robbed of the ability to express herself verbally. Especially if she wanted to pursue her dream further.

Having Shelby mirror her very own thoughts, lead Rachel to look at the whole topic from a different angle. She should stop denying.

Slowly, Rachel nodded and forced herself to say the next sentence.

"It would be nice if you could give me her contact details." It would be easier working with someone who did not know her, which was a relief at least.

Shelby looked at her with sincere eyes. Then she bent her head and wrote a question.

_I'll send you her details via text message, would that be ok?_

"Yes." Rachel nodded.

Another sentence appeared on the pad.

_Now I know why you never answered my calls. I know I didn't call very often, but I have started to wonder why you would answer my e-mails, but never my calls._ Shelby smiled wistfully and Rachel found her empty glass suddenly very interesting.

Again, she felt Shelby's hand on her own. Looking up she saw Shelby mouth "It's ok," and a warm smile graced the older woman's features.

Quinn and Beth came back with their order, laughing. The blonde woman immediately picked up on the slight tension that still lingered between the other two women and slowly placed the cups on the table, her eyes darting back and forth between Shelby and Rachel.

_Everything ok?_ She asked without voicing the words, clearly wanting to keep this conversation private.

Rachel nodded. _I'll tell you later. Everything is fine. Just discussed a sensitive topic._

Taking the cup from Beth's tray, she smiled at the girl. "Thank you, Beth."

The conversation then settled around the little girl and how she was doing at school, whom did she make friends with and what she liked to do in her free time. Quinn asked most of the questions and kept interpreting for Rachel. Beth would ask her about one or the other sign in between, clearly still interested in sign language.

Quinn noticed how Shelby and Rachel threw each other occasional looks, as if trying to gauge the other woman's mood. She wondered what they had discussed while she and Beth had stood in line.

… … …

When Shelby and Beth were about to leave, the little girl gave Rachel a fierce hug and held her for a moment.

"I like you Rachel, and I'm happy that I get to see you again! I will learn more signs for you," she promised which made Rachel smile fondly at the girl.

"I'll be happy to see you again, Beth. Take care and thank you for wanting to learn sign language for me."

Shelby hugged her daughter as well and then held her face in her hands, just looking into her eyes, never letting her warm smile waver.

Then she let got and embraced Quinn, after the blonde had disentangled herself from Beth.

After the mother and daughter left, Quinn switched places again and both women hugged for a long moment.

When Rachel pulled back, she sighed. "Well, that went better than I expected. Beth is really adorable. She's a great kid. Wonder whom she got it from," she then smiled. "Must be her dad," she then teased.

Quinn softly punched her in the arm. "Hey!" But she laughed as well.

_Yes, Beth is really lovely. Shelby does a great job raising her._

Rachel placed a hand on Quinn's cheek and fixed her own eyes on the hazel orbs. "Do you regret sometimes that you gave her up?"

Quinn pulled her head back and let her eyes wander around the café before settling on her girlfriend.

_I don't know, to be honest. I still think it was the right decision at that times and I'm so glad that she has Shelby as a mom. I just keep wondering how it would have been had the circumstances been different and it would have been easier for me to raise my own child without the whole pressure to keep up a perfect facade. But I realize it's fruitless wondering about that now._

As quickly as the sad look appeared on the beautiful face, as quickly it was replaced by a loving and honest smile.

_Considering the circumstances, I'm very lucky that things turned out the way they have. I can still see my child, I know where and how she grows up, I know she has a loving home and who her friends are,_ she grinned at that and poked Rachel in the side playfully.

"You think I'm her friend?"

_Yes, definitely! Haven't you noticed how she kept looking and smiling at you? And she is so eager to learn to sign to be able talk to you. She definitely has adopted you as a friend._

Rachel laughed. "I'd like that."

_I bet she'll make Shelby learn some signs with her until Monday. She has that little tenacious attitude from somewhere… I don't know…,_ Quinn joked and Rachel laughed again.

They both sipped the rest of their now cold drinks.

"Will you be ok tonight and tomorrow at your mom's house? You are always welcome, if you want to come over, you know that, Quinn."

_I know, thank you. My sister is home as well and it will be great to spend some time with her. I promise to come over tomorrow afternoon, ok?_

"Oh yes, please do! I already miss you." Rachel pouted.

_Me too. My mom and my sister have asked if you would like to come to dinner after the Glee Club meeting. They both would like to get to know you._

"Really? How do you feel about that? And do they know… I mean… that I'm deaf?"

Quinn nodded. Well, she had told Fran about Rachel's deafness, but not yet her mom. That was something she would have to do sooner than later.

_If you feel comfortable, I'd be happy if you came over for dinner. But only if you want to. I know that it is a lot with all these different people you are going to meet over the holidays. Fran keeps on bugging me when she would meet you!_

Rachel saw in Quinn's eyes that it would mean a lot to her if she came to visit her family. And she definitely wanted to get to know her sister. And learn more about Quinn's family members. So she agreed with a smile.

Quinn placed a soft kiss on her girlfriend's lips, not caring about what the other customers might think.

They finished their drinks and then walked a short distance together before Rachel had to turn left to head home. They embraced and kissed and held each other for a long moment before the cold drove them apart.

After walking a couple of steps, Rachel turned and gave a small wave towards Quinn who still stood there watching her girlfriend walk away.

Quinn had a bad feeling in her stomach all of a sudden. It was just a short flash, like a premonition. Quickly, she shook her head and pushed the feeling away. It was probably just too much caffeine, she told herself and trotted off towards her home, happy to catch up with her sister.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Currently refining chapter 46 and 47 is also already half done... yay, progress!**

**... ... ...**

**Oh my god. I watched Lea's speech and it was so moving and heartbreaking. The look in her eyes ... there was so much pain and still she managed to get up on stage, show herself in front of millions of people so open vulnerable. That took some guts to do that. I'm still in awe.**


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

The beginning of Hanukkah fell on the twenty-fourth of December this year. Hiram and Leroy had already lit the first candle of the Menorah on the same night and they would light the second one tonight, including Quinn in the festive gesture.

When Rachel was little, she and her dads had exchanged gifts each night of the eight days of holidays, which of course was Rachel's favorite time of the year. As with her birthday presents, she would needle her dads until they told her what present she would get on the first day.

After Rachel had moved to New York, she did not have that much time to spend the eight days at home due to her many projects. The family started to shorten their festivities and exchanged the presents on the days Rachel was home.

This year, with their relationship being so shaky, neither the her fathers nor Rachel had expected to celebrate much or exchange elaborate gifts.

For Rachel, the greatest gift to her was to be able to discuss the problems they had after her accident and to see that her dads had really taken on learning sign language.

Their new found trust was still quite fragile and all three were making a real effort to stick to their agreements and promises.

Leroy and Hiram paid better attention to their daughter's needs. They remembered to announce their presence if she did not see them right away and they still tried to interpret every conversation they had.

In turn, Rachel talked a little more about herself, what she had been doing with her friends, her first dinner at home, the dinner at the restaurant and she even told her fathers about playing the piano at Kurt's house. She left out the singing part, though.

The more she told them about her journey over the past months, the more her parents realized that their daughter had been very lucky indeed to have such good friends. And that she had more stamina than they thought.

Secretly, they could not thank a certain blonde enough to have re-awakened Rachel's spirit.

It made both men so happy to see the brown eyes sparkle again, to see an honest smile, to hear a genuine laugh from their little girl.

They still felt a little deprived of all the experiences Rachel had made without sharing them with her dads at the time, but better late than never and Rachel even went as far as telling them about her current fears of the Glee Club meeting and how she dreaded telling all her old friends what had happened.

When Rachel and her fathers later looked back on this year's Hanukkah, they all agreed that even though their presents had been rather non-materialistic (except for the great books about Ellen DeGeneres she received from them), the thoughts and feelings they had shared and exchanged had been more valuable than anything else.

… … …

When Quinn came over in the afternoon of the twenty-fifth, they cooked a very delicious meal in the evening and had fun preparing the food together. It almost ended with Quinn and Rachel having a food fight in the kitchen right under the Berry men's watchful eyes, but a stern look stopped any further progress.

_Food into the pots and pans, not on the clothes or floor, girls,_ Hiram signed and wagged a warning forefinger, making the girls laugh at his mock attempt to be serious.

"Dad, it never worked when you tried to look serious," Rachel giggled, which prompted Hiram to huff, then to stem his hands on his hips, standing up straighter and taller. He tried to keep a straight face, but failed miserably, seeing his daughter laugh harder the more he tried to exude some authority.

Quinn stood a little to the side, watching the exchange with a grin. She was glad that Rachel and her dads were trying to grow closer again; each acknowledging the other's needs and wishes. She had felt how the missing connection had burdened her girlfriend before and it was great to see all three of them interact in that playful manner. It felt natural and unforced, making her wish she had such a relationship with her own parents.

Quinn remembered how Rachel had told her on their way back from the Lima Bean about their discussion and how her dads had practiced ASL for her. The blonde saw the surprise and joy in Rachel's eyes and it had made her happy to know that this rift in the family seemed to be on the mend.

Again, she and Rachel had not had as much time to talk as they had wished for with Shelby being there and Quinn being expected at home later that day.

Hopefully they would be able to discuss a few things and also find some quality cuddle time tonight.

Quinn also noticed that Rachel was repeatedly snatching her phone out of her pocket, checking for messages and quickly typing answers every time she had received one.

The more she watched the silent exchange between her girlfriend and whomever she was texting with, the more uncomfortable the blonde felt. Rachel herself seemed oblivious of the looks that Quinn threw at her direction whenever the phone buzzed anew.

Quinn had already noticed Rachel spending more and more time looking at her phone some days ago, but had not given it much thought until today. She wondered why it was starting to bother her now.

When they all finally sat around the table, Quinn was surprised to find a small present on her plate. She looked at Rachel, but the brunette just shook her head and jutted her chin out in the direction of her dads.

"Is this from you?" Quinn asked surprised.

"Yes," Hiram answered. "Just a little Hanukkah-Christmas present."

Everyone signed along their words which made it easy for Rachel to follow the verbal exchange.

"Oh, you shouldn't have." Quinn answered shyly, feeling bad that she had nothing to give to them, besides the wine and her mom's self-baked bread she had brought for the dinner.

"We know, but we wanted to give you a little something."

Rachel nudged her in the side. "Go on, open it! I wanna know what it is!"

"You don't know?" Quinn asked surprised with one raised eyebrow.

"No. They went shopping without me and I'm still grumbling about that," Rachel answered and threw a glowering glance at her fathers.

"Tease her little longer, Rachel hates not knowing what's inside a wrapped present," Leroy encouraged Quinn with a wink, still not giving up on signing in parallel.

"Daddy, you traitor!" The petite brunette retorted. "But I have a good guess what it might be," she then grinned.

Finally Quinn managed to unwrap the paper and found a CD with the most famous Broadway songs, but all done up in different music styles.

"Wow, this is great! Thank you," the blonde smiled at the two men. Hiram caught Rachel looking at the CD case, scanning the song list and could not fight the urge to apologize. Even though the present was for Quinn, he felt bad that this was something Quinn obviously would not be able to share with her girlfriend.

"Rachel, I'm sorry, we didn't… I mean, we thought…"

Their daughter interrupted him. "Dad, it's ok. I … I can't completely avoid everything that has something to do with music. Not with having a girlfriend that is a famous Broadway star," Rachel smiled bravely at Quinn. "Besides, I _did_ give you the hint about the CD," she added and looked at her father.

"Rachel thought that the music was similar to the concert you just gave in New York and she told us that some of the songs you performed were also re-arranged in a different music style." Leroy explained. "So we thought you might like it."

Quinn nodded. "Yes, I do! And the concert was a great experience. This," she waved the CD in the air and looked at Rachel and her dads, "is a great idea. Thank you so much!"

She also threw a look at her girlfriend to include her in her gratitude for the nice gift, knowing that it was still not easy for Rachel to deal with anything music related. Looking her deeply in the eyes, she bent forward and kissed her. Rachel drew back after a short moment and whispered: "Don't forget, my dads are sitting on the other side of the table."

The blonde leaned back and felt the color rise to her cheeks, but Hiram and Leroy only laughed.

"You want to put it on?" Rachel pointed at the CD, while her father exchanged a quick look, surprised at the question.

Quinn gazed from the CD case to her girlfriend. Rachel did not manage to hide the longing in her brown eyes completely as her gaze skipped between her girlfriend and the disc.

For a brief moment, Quinn wondered if her profession and close relation to music would be an obstacle in their relationship too great to overcome in the long run. Not so much from her side and that she would not be able to cope with Rachel's deafness, but from Rachel's point of view. She noticed that Rachel was really trying hard to include Quinn's love for music and her profession in her life. She tried to appreciate everything that came with it, as much as her limitations would allow her to do that. But the blonde also knew that coming from the very same background made it so much harder for Rachel to do that. The look in her eyes always betrayed her bravery.

Quinn had the feeling she was missing something important, something that Rachel had not told her, but she could not place her finger on it.

She nodded slowly to answer Rachel's question, even though she wanted to say no for her sake. But she appreciated the offer and took her girlfriend up on it.

Rachel swallowed and handed the CD to one of her dads to put it on.

She did not want to do it; she did not want them to listen to music she could not hear. But she also knew that she had to keep on facing such situations and that there was nothing she could do about it. So it was easier for her to make the proposition herself, keeping the least a minimum part of control on the acoustics that went on in her surroundings. She was already oblivious of too many things that went on around her.

They let the music play softly in the background. The conversation luckily found its way back to the light banter, until Hiram worked up the courage to ask Quinn about her experience with the ear plugs.

The blonde patiently told them what had made her get them in the first place and what she experienced when she was wearing them that evening. She told them about how important touch had become when words did not suffice anymore. And she described how difficult it had been to realize that the slightest sound that usually never got much attention suddenly gained so much more importance.

Rachel watched Quinn move her hands through the air and absorbed every word. She had noticed how the experience had affected Quinn, of course, but they had never talked about the details since they got lost in other important discussions that night.

The blonde looked at Rachel's fathers for a moment after she had finished talking.

She debated whether to tell them the rest of her thoughts. However, the urge to speak out overwhelmed her.

"Please try it. For Rachel's sake. It will give you a better understanding of her situation." She quickly looked at her girlfriend. Rachel played with the rest of her food on the plate.

"Rachel didn't ask me to tell you this, just in case you were wondering. And she never asked me to use the ear plugs in the first place. In fact she was quite adamant for me to take them out again once she found out." She quickly squeezed the brunette's hands before adding another sentence. "Later, _she_ actually removed them for me, so I … I could hear her voice."

Quinn cast a loving look at Rachel and placed a hand on her thigh. Rachel smiled back at her from under her lashes. Leroy threw a surprised look at the blonde at her last recount. Then he looked at his daughter.

"You did?" Hiram re-assured himself with a raised eye-brow.

"Yes," Rachel simply answered and shrugged.

"Didn't you want Quinn to experience the same as you?"

"No. I mean yes, in a way I wanted for her to know and I appreciated the gesture, but going through this whole ordeal myself, I just didn't want her to waste one precious moment of her life _not_ being able to hear."

Again the two men were surprised at their daughter's attitude and action.

Then the conversation turned towards how the two women first met after Rachel's accident, how they had coped in the beginning and what the most difficult things to deal with were.

Patiently, Quinn answered all their questions from her point of view, seeing how Rachel became increasingly uncomfortable with the topic. When Quinn came to explain what she missed most and how she coped with it, namely not being able to touch her girlfriend while talking to her, Rachel excused herself to do something in the kitchen.

Quinn followed her with her eyes.

Something was off. This feeling of being out of sync was back.

She had felt it some time ago, when they had not been able to see each other much due to her stressful schedule and Skyping had been so tedious and difficult. At that time, she had blamed this feeling on not actually being with her girlfriend and having to connect just via a computer screen with her.

Now, sitting right next to her and having the same feeling made it even harder to bear, because she felt like they were slipping apart from each other. Again, she could not put a finger on it; it was more like an overall feeling.

After a couple of minutes, Rachel joined them again. Trying to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat, Quinn focused back on the conversation.

Maybe she was just being a little sensitive. It was probably just the season or her exhaustion that made her overreact. Rachel took her hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. So, yeah, she was definitely overreacting, Quinn told herself.

After seeing how open and honest Quinn had talked to Rachel, Hiram and Leroy realized that they should have acted much more open with their daughter. Instead, they had plainly refused to accept the fact and to deal with it.

The two men were not only interested in what Quinn had to say, they also wanted to know what had been Rachel's answers to all of Quinn's many questions. Patiently, listening to both women, slowly but surely the Berry men got a new picture of her daughter.

Their little girl had indeed grown and had become stronger and braver than they would have ever thought.

… … …

After polishing off the dessert, the two women wanted to help cleaning the kitchen, but Rachel's dads pushed them out.

"No! Go, we'll take care of it."

Rachel did not argue and excused herself quickly to use the bathroom.

Before Hiram shooed Quinn out of the room, he turned to her.

"I am – we are – really glad and grateful that you came back into Rachel's life. We know she suffered a lot from your … separation and then with the accident... Anyway, we are grateful beyond words for you having managed to pull her out of her dark hole, Quinn. You and her – your - other friends."

Quinn just smiled and before she could say anything, the tall man hugged her. After releasing her, he turned her around and gently pushed her through the door. "Enjoy some time with our daughter; I'm sure you haven't had much of a chance these past couple of days."

The blonde just nodded, unable to find the right words to say, but Hiram had turned around already anyway, busying himself in the kitchen.

In the hallway she met up with Rachel who had just come out of the guest bathroom opposite the kitchen.

Rachel lifted an eyebrow and looked at Quinn. "Usually they would force me to help until everything is squeaky clean. You seem to have a good influence on them, Quinn Fabray. You can come over more often."

Quinn snorted. _Oh, thank you, aren't you generous!_

"Oh yes I am. Very. I'll even share my bed with you!"

Rachel pulled on the blonde's ponytail and then raced up the stairs, squealing when Quinn was reaching for her legs. In her room, the brunette jumped on the bed and was immediately tackled by her girlfriend.

Very conveniently, Quinn had flattened Rachel on her back. Grabbing the brunette's arms and fixing them with a grip on the surface of the bed, she searched her full lips and hungrily kissed them. Feeling Rachel eagerly respond to the gesture, the singer loosened her hold on her arms and stroke one hand through the brown locks that sprawled on the bed around Rachel's head.

Quinn heard herself and Rachel moan in parallel, intensifying their kiss, accompanied by greedily groping at their clothes. All of a sudden, it seemed as if nothing was more important than getting as much skin contact as possible.

Before ripping their clothes off, Quinn just managed to kick the bedroom door close. She definitely did not want to have Rachel's dads listening in on their make-out session, not on her first night in their house.

Actually, _never_ , she had as an afterthought.

Naked and exposed to the cool air in the room, Rachel's nipples grew hard and the sight turned Quinn on beyond reason. She lost herself completely in watching her beautiful lover, raveling it the glow of her still tanned skin, her long, shapely legs, her soft belly and her always beautiful eyes. She did not know where to start placing her hands and lips and it drove her almost nuts that she only had two hands instead of four or six.

Rachel moved below her touch and let her fingers dance across Quinn's back, sending sparks of fire along her spine. Moaning again, the blonde buried her face in the crook of Rachel's neck, nipping lightly at the soft skin. The movement caused Rachel to thrust up her thigh, teasingly rubbing it between Quinn's legs, immediately causing the blonde to flow over.

Throwing back her head, her eyes closed, Quinn bit her lower lip. "Oh god, oh god," was all she managed to produce while she slid over the smooth skin beneath her.

Catching a glimpse of her girlfriend, she found Rachel grinning smugly at the reaction she had caused.

"Want more?" she asked with a wicked gleam in her brown eyes.

Quinn dove down and sucked lightly on the soft skin of Rachel's breast, unable to control herself. The movement of Rachel's thigh ceased shortly, but it was enough for Quinn to catch her breath.

"I need you, Rachel. Now." She demanded, gazing deep into the mahogany colored orbs in front of her.

Rachel proceeded more than willingly with what she had started, teasing Quinn long enough to build her desire, but not as long as to torture her. When the release finally came, Quinn just hoped that the Berry men were still occupied in the kitchen, the room farthest away from Rachel's. As much as she tried, she couldn't hold in the half-groan and half-cry. It had been too long since they had made love. At least a week.

That seemed like eternity to Quinn.

Her whole body spasmed as the waves of her orgasm rippled through her. Each time Rachel touched her however lightly again on her swollen lips, nipped on her erect nipples and kissed her lips, Quinn lost control again until she lay panting and completely wasted on her side next to Rachel. She was not able to move in a long time, trying to catch her breath and stilling the throbbing pulse between her legs.

Rachel combed her slender fingers through the blonde hair, slightly massaging Quinn's scalp, helping her regaining her balance and composure.

Finally, the blonde managed to lift her hands, though she was not able to sign a coherent sentence.

_Look. Forbidden. Smug._

Rachel chuckled. "I look forbidden smug? Is that what you are trying to say? That's not even a grammatically correct sentence, Miss Fabray."

Quinn lifted her hands again, holding them suspended in the air unmoving, before letting them fall back onto the mattress. Then she just dismissively waved one hand at Rachel.

"What now? You are too sedated to tell me you love me?" Rachel continued teasing.

That woman! Quinn took a deep breath and then pulled her close, gently finding her lips with her own and tenderly answering her girlfriend's question in that way. After breaking away, she signed:

_I'll never be too tired to tell you how much I love you, Rachel. Or to show you,_ she added and began to cover the tanned skin with kisses, leaving trails of fire burning through the brunette's body.

Quinn loved how her touch caused the immediate physical reaction of Rachel's body with goose bumps and small moans escaping the full lips she had just kissed. Letting her fingers dance further down Rachel's legs, she then placed her face between the juncture of her legs, quickly licking at the already hardened nub between her soft folds.

Quinn's hazel eyes never left the brown eyes above her, the two woman's gaze locked while she continued her skillful work with her tongue. At one point, Rachel could no longer hold on and her lids fluttered shut while her body arched under Quinn's touch.

She was close to her climax and Quinn immediately ceased her movements, trying to drag out the mixture of agony and bliss that played across Rachel's features, begging for release with her hands in Quinn's hair.

The blonde moved up and let her fingers finish the job in a smooth motion that her mouth had artfully started. Rachel's fingers dug into Quinn's shoulders and the blonde had to bite the inside of her cheeks to not whimper out in pain. For someone being so small, Rachel had incredible strong hands and Quinn turned her head to nip lightly on one of her hands. This seemed to make the other woman realize what she was doing and she loosened her grip slightly. Quinn let out a grateful sigh and watched as Rachel rode the next wave and the next, until her body slumped under her hands and Rachel's arms fell limply onto the mattress, finally relinquishing the hold on Quinn.

The singer managed to move Rachel's light body with her own a little up towards the headboard. This way, she was able to wiggle the cover free from under them. She carefully placed the warm blanket around them and snuggled close to her still dazed girlfriend. Patiently, she waited for Rachel to come out of her dreamy state while Quinn played with the end of one of the dark strands of hair.

"Hey," Rachel smiled weakly.

"Hey."

"Mmmmthatwasgood. Imissedyou," Rachel mumbled, obviously trying to get her tongue to work again.

Quinn laughed, deciding to help. Carefully, she trailed her tongue along Rachel's lips, until they parted and granted her access. After a bit of tongues dancing back and forth, the blonde looked up again. Rachel caught her eye and smiled.

_Back again?_ Quinn asked.

The other head slowly bobbed up and down. "Yeah, I think so," Rachel answered and then laughed quietly.

"I'm so glad we finally have some time for us," she mumbled as she nuzzled Quinn's ear after having pulled her girlfriend close.

Quinn felt Rachel's breath tickle her ear and nodded. Dropping next to Rachel onto her back, she lifted her hands.

_I feel a little like a steam train rolled over me. It seems like last week just rushed by like a giant wave, leaving me totally exhausted._

Then out of the blue, she formed the next sentence before she could stop herself.

_Who have you been texting with today? And the last few days?_

For a quick moment, she thought she saw what looked like guilt flit across Rachel's features.

"Lauren."

"Ah." The blonde looked at her hands and felt the brown eyes studying her. Raising her own eyes, she met her girlfriend's inquiring gaze.

_What?_

"I guess I could ask you the same. Something is bothering you. So what is it? Are you jealous?" Before Quinn could answer, Rachel added softly: "Lauren is straight. You don't have to worry. I just like her as a friend, Quinn."

Quinn shook her head, not wanting to start a discussion, not with having just made love to her girlfriend. She already wanted to bite her fingers for having asked the first question regarding the text messages in the first place. _Damn it, Quinn, think next time before you act,_ she scolded herself.

"Quinn! Talk to me. What is wrong?" Rachel frowned and propped herself up on her elbows.

_Nothing. Really. I'm just… don't know. Guess I'm overreacting a little. Must be the stress is that slowly wearing off._

Quinn could tell that Rachel did not buy it and she watched her debating with herself whether to dig further or to let it slide. Then to the blonde's relief she chose the latter.

Which, on the other hand woke another little demon that told her that usually Rachel would not have let it go before she knew exactly what was bothering her. So why did she let it slide now? Wasn't she interested in Quinn's feelings anymore? Feeling a slight bout of panic rising in her stomach, the blonde threw herself on her back, pressing her fingertips against her temples. _Jesus, Quinn, get a grip on yourself! Are you becoming paranoid now? Stop the drama in your head, for god's sake._

She felt Rachel's hand on her forearm.

"Quinn, I really want to know what is going on here! I think you know that if you don't want to talk about it, I will listen whenever you are ready to share what is eating you, ok?"

Quinn nodded weakly. She wanted to talk with Rachel about her new friends. She knew it was important for her to have people around her who were also deaf. But for whatever reason, she just could not bring up the strength to touch on that topic. And it made her mad not knowing why it was so difficult for her.

After a moment, when it was clear to Rachel that Quinn would not say anything further, she slid from under the covers, walked over to her bag that was on the floor next to her desk and pulled out an artfully wrapped present. Maybe that would help her girlfriend to push the bothering thoughts away for a while.

The gift had a rectangular shape and was the size of a large book. Curious, the blonde looked from the package to Rachel's face, finding a smile gracing her lips.

The brunette sauntered back towards the bed.

"I have a present for you. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, Quinn!"

Rachel placed the present on Quinn's stomach and added a passionate kiss.

Quinn was genuinely surprised and quickly sat up.

"Go on, open it!" Rachel nudged her with her elbow, looking eager for her to unwrap the present.

_What, impatient to see what's in it?_ Quinn teased.

Rachel rolled her eyes and laughed. "Impatient for _you_ to see what's in it, _I_ obviously know what it is."

Carefully, Quinn peeled the paper away to find a photo album inside. Opening the first page she found a personal note written with golden ink on the black paper. Touched, she read Rachel's dedication.

_Dear Quinn,_

_In fifty years, you'll look back upon a wonderful and great career and I know you will always remember your first great moments._

_To help you jog your memory (not that I think you'll need it, but anyway, it might make remembering easier), I documented some of your early performances._

_I am so proud of you!_

_Keep singing! Always!_

_Love, Rachel_

"Aaaawwwww," Quinn was not able to say more before tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned and embraced Rachel, softly crying into her brown locks. This was such a personal and wonderful gift that it overwhelmed her completely. This thoughtful present also managed to silence the fears she had felt earlier regarding the influence of her profession on their relationship somewhat.

She pulled back and laughed, a bit embarrassed. Wiping her tears away she took another look at the photo album, while Rachel soothingly stroke her hand over her back.

Quinn turned the pages, quickly skipping through the book, finding photos and news articles about her from her first show to the concert she had given just three days ago. Apparently Rachel had taken some pictures with her phone during her visit at _Les Bohemiens_ and the Albert Fisher Hall concert. There was also a picture that showed the banner in front of the concert hall announcing the performers.

It surprised the blonde singer that Rachel had also collected quite a few news snippets and critiques from the time they had not had any contact.

Carefully, she placed the album on the night stand before cupping Rachel's face, kissing her gently on the lips, then her nose, then her forehead and back on her lips.

_Rachel, this is one of the most wonderful and personal presents I have ever received. Thank you so much, I …. I … words fail me._ She let her hands sink, only to raise them again to pull her into another tight embrace.

… … …

Rachel smiled thankfully at having made Quinn so happy with her present. Then she thought about the other small package that still lay untouched on the bottom of the travel bag, waiting to be delivered.

Somehow she had lost the courage to do so.

After Quinn had skipped through the articles and photos for the second time, appreciating the pictures and handwritten descriptions that Rachel had added a little longer, she also slipped out from under the covers and retrieved her present from under Rachel's bed.

"How did you….?" The petite woman looked from Quinn to the box in her hand.

Quinn grinned happily at her surprise and put the package down to be able to sign.

_Sent it by mail to your dads and asked them to hide it under your bed. Did it the next day after your birthday, when I knew you had told them about us. Otherwise my request would have been a bit odd, I guess._

"But you gave me so many great presents on my birthday already, I don't think I deserve any more. You shouldn't have, Quinn!" Rachel protested, but Quinn did not let herself be deterred, seeing the curious gleam in the brown eyes.

_Come on sweetie, I know you can't refuse a present, don't you want it?_ Quinn picked up the box again, shaking it slightly.

Rachel smiled bashfully and nodded. "I love presents," she admitted sheepishly which caused her girlfriend to thrust the ominous box into her arms as if afraid that she would want to keep it for herself if she waited too long. Then Quinn placed a hesitating hand on the top of the package before Rachel could open it.

When she had Rachel's attention, she pulled back her arm and signed after a short moment:

_This… is not like … I mean… it's not like a real present-present. You know_?

Rachel shook her head.

"What do you mean by present-present?"

_I mean like … I don't know. I…_ Suddenly nervous Quinn did not know how to put words to her thoughts.

_Just open it,_ she then managed receiving a curious look from Rachel who was clearly wondering what was going on.

Cautiously, the petite woman fingered the ribbon and then pulled the paper off. Opening the box that was double the size of a shoe box, she let out a surprised "What…?" when she glimpsed the content.

Quinn chewed her lip, suddenly unsure of herself. Then she watched Rachel sift through the content, her eyes growing wider and wider until she realized what she held in her hands exactly.

"Oh my god. Are these…?"

Quinn nodded silently. Then added: _I was never able to send them, but there was hardly a day that I didn't think of you during the past years._

Inside the box were at least eighty to one hundred letters, all addressed to Rachel. Some were in envelopes; some were just folded papers from a legal pad. There were also some notes scribbled on the rim of newspapers, apparently in lack of anything else to write on. A few were even drafted on napkins. It was a wide array of letters that all contained a part of Quinn's heart and soul.

Quinn watched with relief as Rachel kept on taking one letter after the other out of the box, her features never ceasing to display her surprise and love.

"Oh my god." Was all she managed to say.

During the time Quinn had deliberately cut any ties to Rachel and had desperately tried to forget the brown haired woman with the incredible voice, her heart had still wanted to explain to Rachel why she didn't want to have any contact with her anymore.

Then the explanations had turned into a description of Quinn's feelings about missing her friend and then into declarations of love.

Somehow, she had never found the courage to send those letters that bared her heart and soul.

She had not found the courage to burn them, either.

Fully understanding what treasure it was that Quinn had given her, Rachel bent forward, placing a hand on Quinn's cheek, looking her deeply into the eyes.

"This is… such a personal present, I… I don't know what to say Quinn. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me so much."

_Please read them when you are alone. I'm a little embarrassed about some of them,"_ she smiled, _"but I figured, you might as well have them all. I want you to know what you meant to me. What you have always meant to me and how much I regretted hurting you so much and never letting you know why._

Rachel nodded, pressing her lips together, a tear slipping over the rim of her eyes, slowly tracing a wet path down her cheek.

The trust that Quinn displayed with that gesture suddenly weigh heavy on her heart and she did not know why.


	45. Chapter 45

**Thanks so much to Diannasbacon aka Nicole for beta reading!**

**Sole's stories: Your scene! Thank you for reminding me to bring in the tall guy and to set the frame!**

**Thank you all for the kudos!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 45**

The next morning found the two women's naked bodies entangled with each other underneath the covers. A ray of sunlight shone through the blinds and fell on Quinn's face. She squeezed her eyes shut tighter, but it was too late. She was already awake and started to watch the kaleidoscope of colors behind her closed eyelids the sunlight caused.

Slowly, without opening her eyes yet, she took in her surroundings. It was warm and cozy under the blankets. Feeling the soft, naked skin next to her and that shapely leg draped over hers brought a smile to her face.

"Mmmmmmmmm," she poured and smiled, stretching her limbs above her head.

She lowered her arms again and raked her fingers though the dark tresses spread across her chest. Again, she had to smile, noticing how Rachel had used her as her pillow – like most nights.

Slowly, she opened her eyes and blinked.

Rachel had felt the vibrations of Quinn's morning purr underneath her head and mumbled sleepily: "Don't move. So nice. Stay like that forever."

Quinn snuck her arm back under the covers and since she couldn't sign – Rachel did not seem inclined to fully wake up yet, much less open her eyes – she drew the words on her girlfriend's back.

_S-L-E-E-P-Y-H-E-A-D_

"Imnosleepyhead," came the almost unintelligible reply against her belly.

_Y-E-S U R!_ And Quinn poked her forefinger slightly into Rachel's back when drawing the dot of the exclamation mark.

"Ouch!" Quinn jerked when she felt Rachel's teeth pinch the soft flesh on her stomach in revenge.

_M-E-A-N-I-E!_ Was the next word she sketched on the brunette's back.

Slowly, Rachel turned her head and gazed at her girlfriend with a malicious grin.

"Want more?" She then asked with a raised eyebrow and nipped at the soft flesh again.

Before Rachel could think of more ways to tease her girlfriend, a small light flashed above the door.

"What the…" Rachel lifted her head and then her upper body followed. Quickly she disentangled herself from the covers and walked to the door, throwing a long t-shirt over her head. She found a piece of paper that was pushed through the small slit under the door.

She picked it up and opened the door.

Leroy was standing outside with a slightly guilty look.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you girls…so I just…" He made sure to accompany his words with signs.

It was still harder for him than it was for his husband, but seeing the grateful look and understanding on his daughter's face, was motivation enough to keep it up.

" _We_ were already awake," Rachel answered with a meaningful look at Quinn.

"No, you were not, sleepyhead," the blonde answered boldly in both ways.

"Yes, I was!" Rachel countered.

"You wish S-L-E-E-P-Y-H-E-A-D!" Quinn finger spelled the last word with emphasis and laughed.

Rachel quickly turned away, saying in a sing-song voice: "Can't hear youuuu!"and tried to look serious, but failed and started laughing too. Then she remembered what she wanted to ask her dad.

Leroy tried to wipe the smirk out of his face at seeing his daughter's reproachful look. Usually, she was the early bird in the house and had never liked it when they had teased her about oversleeping.

"When did you install that light?" She asked curiously signing as well in parallel. "I haven't even noticed it before!"

_Hiram did it a few days ago._

Rachel watched her daddy struggle a little with the fingerspelling of his husband's name. 'Name signs', she reminded herself, before she saw her father's hands move again.

_We thought that … you know… you wouldn't hear us knock so…"_

His daughter smiled and cocked her head. "Thank you." She was surprised at the thoughtful gesture.

"And this?" She held up the note while unfolding it. It held one simple sentence.

_Breakfast is ready if you're hungry._

Rachel turned towards her girlfriend who had pulled the blanket up to her chin to hide her glorious nakedness.

"Food?"

At that moment, she saw Quinn chuckle with a slightly embarrassed look on her face. Leroy grinned as well. Rachel's gaze wandered from one to the other slightly confused.

"What did I miss?"

_My stomach's answer to your first question. Come here,_ Quinn signed and placed Rachel's hand on her stomach where the traitorous grumbling was again showing how hungry she was.

Rachel laughed and turned back to the door.

"Ok, daddy, let us get dressed. We'll be down in fifteen minutes."

When he had closed the door, Quinn signed: _Fifteen_ _minutes? That doesn't leave us much time. You up for a quickie?_ She wiggled her eyebrows mischievously.

Rachel jumped back on the bed and started tickling her.

The two women rolled around the bed, each trying to get the other one to surrender.

… … …

Downstairs, Leroy smiled when he heard the squeals and laughter coming from his daughter's room. He never thought he would ever hear that again.

Hiram stuck his head out of the kitchen doorway.

"Are the girls coming?"

Leroy just placed a finger on his lip and pointed upwards.

Hiram frowned and joined his husband at the stairs, hearing the faint giggling and then his daughter clearly shouting for mercy. Her squeals were followed by Quinn's voice asking if Rachel was giving up, repeating her question twice slowly before Rachel vehemently capitulated.

Both men did not need words at the moment to know what the other was thinking. Their grateful and relieved smiles said it all. They hugged each other shortly before going back into the kitchen, not wanting to intrude the girls' privacy.

… … …

After they calmed down again, both women slumped back on the covers, still giggling until their mirth finally ebbed away.

_We should go downstairs, your dads are waiting_ , Quinn signed, her arms extended in the air above her.

_Yes,_ Rachel signed back to Quinn's surprise. Then she turned so Quinn could see her better.

_Thank you for the letters. I… I will read them when we are back home. We are too busy here._

Quinn looked at her for a moment. Was Rachel feeling uneasy about her present? She frowned.

Rachel noticed the insecurity in the blonde's face and hastened to explain, still signing in parallel:

"Don't get me wrong. I'd just love to take some time to read them, Quinn".

_Ok, I understand that._ Then Quinn furrowed her brows _._

_Wait. What was that sign? The last one, when you said my name. The sign looked like "shine", but with…_

She repeated the movement she had seen Rachel make. Both hands moving from the side of her head diagonally downward, the fingers forming the letter Q, thumb and forefinger extended.

"Oh! Oh!" A smile spread across her beautiful features. _Is that a name sign? My name sign?_

Rachel nodded shyly. "Yes. It's about time, don't you think?"

_How… did you, I mean, why 'shine'?_

Rachel chuckled and then explained a little bashfully: "Can't you guess? For me, you are like a light, a light that shines no matter where you are. I can see you everywhere. You even managed to shine that light through the walls I had erected around me after I lost my hearing."

"Oh!" Quinn was touched by Rachel's explanation.

_Thank you, Rachel! This is a wonderful gift._ She bent forward and placed her lips on her girlfriend's.

_Actually, both our name signs complement each other_ , Quinn noticed after a moment. _For your sign, you have to move your fingers upwards, you know, like stars shooting up. For my sign the rays come streaming down, like the light of the sun. So we can meet in the middle,_ Quinn grinned and linked her fingers with Rachel's while kissing her passionately.

… … …

During breakfast, Rachel taught her dads to sign her and Quinn's name signs, before she introduced the ones she had selected for them.

Both men liked her choice and repeated the movements several times.

When they finished eating, the Berry men refused to let them help clearing the table and kitchen – which prompted Rachel in asking if they were sick.

Hiram chuckled and shook his head while he shooed them away, signing _"Go, do your thing, girls, I mean, ah, get your stuff for your Glee Club meeting."_

Quinn and Rachel threw each other amused looks, before Rachel snatched the car keys from Quinn and they drove to the supermarket to buy some provisions for the Glee Club reunion.

They got some fruits which they cut into little pieces and mixed them into a fruit salad back home, adding some nuts and some drops of lemon juice to prevent the fruits from turning brown.

After they prepared their food for the meeting, the girls sat with Rachel's fathers on the couch and watched Monty Python's _Life of Brian._ Much to the Berry family's astonishment, Quinn had never seen the movie before and could not stop laughing at some of the scenes. It was kind of a tradition for Rachel and her dads to watch this movie during the holidays.

They prepared some sandwiches for lunch and ate them, sitting on the couch while watching the movie. It was a very relaxed and comfortable day so far, Quinn thought contently.

In the early afternoon, they got ready to leave. Quinn got the salad out of the fridge while Hiram hugged his daughter and looked at her, smiling encouragingly.

_Good luck, pumpkin. I'm sure you can handle this meeting and I'm also sure that your friends will be supportive. Chin up!_ Once he finished signing, he playfully stroke his finger under Rachel's jaw.

She smiled bravely in order to not betray her true feelings. She was nervous as hell.

Quinn took her by the hand and led her out to their car. Slipping behind the wheel, the blonde tilted her head and softened her gaze.

_Rachel, what are you afraid of?_

The brunette just shrugged, not finding the right words to express her feelings.

This was the _Glee Club!_ It was the one thing that had meant the world to her and actually gave her the basis to start her career. It had helped her develop her skills, next to her private singing lessons and it had given her the chance to perform in front of a huge audience. It had been her home base at school; the one place she felt she could truly show what she was capable of.

Even though had mocked her and had been annoyed at her attitude in the beginning, in the end, they had grown into a family together. And it was never easy to break bad news to someone you liked, much less if they had such impact on yourself.

_Hey sweetie, what can happen when you tell them? They will be shocked? They will be sad about your loss? It's all fair and natural for them to feel that way. Or are you afraid that they will pity you?_ Quinn looked into Rachel's large brown worried eyes.

_Maybe some of them might feel pity. Some of them might not feel comfortable with the situation. But your true friends will stay and stand up to it. They will struggle with it at first, but they will manage, together with you and me. And if not, Santana will surely give them hell!_ Quinn added with an encouraging smile.

"I know, it's just so… I don't know. I have the feeling that some might think 'oh look, the one with the biggest voice and the biggest ambition who could never shut up has now…"

Quinn interrupted her with an angry look on her face. _Rachel, stop! You don't really mean that! No one will think that! These are our friends. And no one would wish such a tragic thing to happen to anyone._

"Yeah, right."

Rachel turned her head and looked out of the window. She was not so sure, thinking back at all the times she had been humiliated, insulted and slushied back in school.

God damn it, why were all these things coming up again now? She was not in school anymore and she had indeed become close friends with most of the original New Direction members.

Looking back at Quinn, she sighed.

"Sorry. Just, I don't know, I guess I had a small relapse into the old not-so-nice times."

_You know that they loved you, that they were happy about your success and that they truly loved your voice._

"Exactly."

Quinn smiled a bit sadly. Not being able to sing anymore would be an open wound for Rachel forever. And there was nothing that could heal it. The encounters she had after the accident with the people she knew and seeing their expressions when she broke the news to them always deepened her pain. It made it all so evident again on what she had lost. Right now, there was nothing that Quinn could do to cushion the blow, except being there for her.

_Come here_ , Quinn ordered and squeezed Rachel into an encouraging tight hug, before Rachel gave her a small nod to say that she was more or less ready to go.

… … …

When they arrived at McKinley, Quinn noticed that she had forgotten her mobile phone at Rachel's place. Since she was expecting a call from her sister later that day to agree on a time to meet in the evening, she had to drive back and pick it up. Fran really wanted to get to know Rachel and even their mom had looked kind of excited to meet Rachel.

The only thing was that Quinn had not broken the news to Judy that her girlfriend was deaf. She wondered how her mom would take that. Not only had her daughter blemished the family image by openly admitting that she was gay, no, now she had also fell in love with someone who was _imperfect_. At least that is what Quinn imagined her mother would think.

Fran, on the other hand, had been really supportive and had even admired her sister for not letting anything come between her and the person she loved, not even deafness. She had even asked Quinn to teach her the basic signs to greet Rachel properly. That request had coaxed a warm smile from Quinn.

Tuning back to the present, Quinn looked at Rachel.

_Do you want to come with me or do you want to stay here?_

Rachel thought about it for a moment. Since they were really early, she did not expect anyone else to be at the school yet. The parking lot was still empty.

Trying the doors, they found them unlocked. Usually, Mr. Schuester would inform the headmaster to unlock the doors for their meeting. Apparently, Mr. Berger had been early as well.

"I think I'll survive the next twenty minutes without you," Rachel smiled.

_Ok. I'll hurry and be back in no time!_

Quinn placed a quick kiss on her lover's lips and darted back down the stairs.

Rachel looked after her and then turned to enter the school. When the door closed behind her, she took a deep breath, taking in the familiar and somehow comforting smell of the school. She was happy to have the building to herself for a short while.

Slowly, she took a step forward. When she reached the lockers, she let her right hand trail across the smooth metal surfaces.

Then she stood in front of her old locker. She placed a flat palm on the door, as if she could soak up all the memories through that simple touch; as if she could transport herself back to the time when her future still looked so hopeful.

Slightly turning, she looked down the long hallway. She heard the typical metal clang of the door in her mind whenever it closed; the students in the hallway laughing, shouting and whispering. She heard the sneaker soles making squeaky noises on the floor and high heels tapping down the hallway.

A wistful smile played across her lips as the scene played in her mind.

Rachel was so engrossed in her memories that she did not notice the other person approaching. When the form appeared right next to her, she was startled out of her reveries and jumped slightly backwards out of reflex, gasping the name of the person who was the source of her surprise.

"Finn!"

Through her backwards motion, she collided with the wall behind her and hit her head against the door of the locker.

"Ouch."

Rachel lifted a hand and gingerly rubbed the sore spot on the back of her head.

Looking up, she saw Finn ask: "You ok?"

"Gee, you scared me!" She took a deep breath and answered his question. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She lowered her head slightly, trying to level her breathing and willing the dull pain in her head to subside.

After a few moments, she felt better and managed to concentrate on the person standing in front of her.

Finn.

Rachel had not even thought about him in months. Not once.

To think that she had been so in love with him once... Then again, had she really been in love with him or had he just been a nice distraction from her true feelings for someone else?

He tentatively stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug.

Wow. Compared to Quinn's slender and smaller body Rachel was used to, she really felt dwarfed by his huge frame. Nevertheless, she gave him a friendly squeeze and then stepped out of his embrace.

Slowly, she focused her eyes on his mouth that started moving without pause. Rachel looked to her left down the hall in the hopes to see a certain blonde finding her way into the school. At seeing the empty hallway, the brunette settled her gaze back on Finn's lips. She was desperately trying to read one word in order to gauge what he was talking about.

This whole lip reading thing was just so fucking frustrating. How could anyone ever learn it properly? There must be a certain trick to it that she had not found out yet, even though her teacher assured her that all it took was practice, practice and practice.

When she did not succeed in catching a familiar mouth movement that would lead her on the right track of the topic he was talking about, Rachel let her eyes crawl upwards to his eyes. She wanted to at least get a guess at his emotions.

Was he still angry that she had never answered his e-mails or texts or calls for the last few months? He seemed a little tense, maybe even slightly angry.

When it was clear that he was not going to stop talking soon, she decided to interrupt him.

"Finn."

No reaction. The waterfall of words that seemed to be gushing out of his mouth did not cease. She tried again, louder this time.

"Finn!" Holding up a hand, she hoped to catch his attention.

He ignored her still.

"Finn, stop talking!"

Finally he reacted, but only for a second before his mouth took off again.

God, he had never talked that much, but right now he was like a verbal waterfall. She saw the little wrinkles around his eyes grow deeper. That always happened when he was upset. Biting her lip she wondered about how upset he was. Judged by the many words he threw into her direction it must have been quite high.

Well, she could kind of understand. Sort of. They had stayed in loose contact over the years and being completely ignored for the better part of this year without any explanation would have upset her as well.

Finally, she dug into her handbag, pulled out a note pad and a pen and thrust it into his hands.

In a reflex, he took it and then stared first at the paper in his hand, then at her, for once forgetting to talk.

Seizing her chance, Rachel took a deep breath and explained:

"I can't hear you. You … you'll have to write down what you are saying."

He got a puzzled look on his face.

"What? Is that a joke now?"

For once, she was able to read the words off his lips.

"No. I meant what I said. You'll have to write down what you are saying. I can't hear you." Then after a short hesitation, she added: "I'm deaf."

Finn threw the pad on the floor angrily, startling Rachel once again. Only this time, she refrained from making another body check with the locker doors. Obviously, he did not believe her. Though why he thought she would joke about something like that was beyond her.

She took a step forward and gently placed a hand on his arm, stopping him from walking away, while he directed more words at her that she couldn't make out.

"Finn. Look at me."

Her calm tone and the light touch of her hand finally seemed to have penetrated his anger. There must have been something in her voice that told him that she was not kidding. Because what she then saw flicker across his face was true concern mixed with the final residues of his anger.

Bravely, she ventured forth.

"I had an accident this year in which I lost my hearing." She looked at him with sincere, brown eyes, hoping that they told him what her words maybe couldn't.

"I… I… You." He was at a loss for words. When he seemed to have digested the news for a moment, he asked, dumbfounded: "You are deaf? You mean…?" The rest was lost to Rachel again. She furrowed her brows.

"Finn…"

He held up a hand and Rachel swallowed the rest of her words.

"You. Can't. Hear. Anything?" He then asked very slowly, over pronouncing his words.

Rachel almost looked at him in disgust. This was exactly what she did not want. This kind of behavior was rude and made her feel like she was retarded.

"Finn, just pick up the god damn pad and write down what you want to say." Rachel tried to say with an even voice, hoping that her anger did not ring through as much as she felt it rise in her stomach.

Finn raked his hands through his hair, turned away from his ex-fiancé and back again. It took the former quarterback a long moment for the information to truly sink in. Neither of them said anything. Finn just kept staring at Rachel as if he could read what she actually had meant by the words "I can't hear" on her face. When it finally registered, his anger appeared to dissolve completely.

The former diva then almost recoiled at the look in his face. The anger, confusion and shock had been replaced by sheer pity.

"Oh no, Finn. No! Don't give me that look. I... don't need your pity, just … don't!" She thrust her shoulders back, trying to exude every ounce of dignity she had.

Finn wiped his hand over his face, while Rachel debated turning around and leave. If this was how every encounter with the rest of the Glee club would turn out, she'd rather be a coward and skip the whole thing.

Despite trying to ignore his pitiful look and not wanting to hear or rather see the words coming out of his mouth, she caught everything. She knew the words even before he voiced them.

"God Rachel, I'm so sorry!"

It made her so angry.

"Finn, stop! Do you have any idea how insensitive you are? Why do you keep talking even after I told you three times that I can't hear what you are saying?" She felt her own voice get louder.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it again, still wearing that sorrowful expression.

Rachel tried to calm herself and stood just a little bit taller before she delivered her next line.

"And most of all, I don't need your pity!"

Was she overreacting a bit? Maybe.

This was so hard because these people, including Finn, knew her so well. They knew her voice, her talent and how it had developed better than anyone else. Yes, maybe she was overreacting a bit, but she could not help it. Not if she got the pity face from someone she was once so close to.

She focused back on his face.

"But you…"

"Finn!" Was he hearing her at all?

Rachel doubted that any of her words penetrated his thick skull. She wondered which one of them was deaf now.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching. She tensed, preparing herself for another onslaught of explanations, disbelief, pity and whatever else they were going to give her today.

A great wave of relief flooded though her when she saw Santana purposefully striding towards them. _Where was Quinn?_ Rachel asked herself before the Latina took her stance in front of Finn, poking a finger into his chest.

"Well, isn't it Finn the Hulk Hudson?"

Rachel felt like hugging her friend right there and then when Santana accompanied her words with signs, even though she did not get what Santana was trying to sign after Finn's name.

"Hi, Santana."

The dark haired woman turned, signing silently at Rachel.

_The d-o-r-k bothering you?_

Rachel produced a small, grateful smile to her friend, wondering if there was a sign for dork. Then she shrugged in answer to Santana's question.

_Finn is just… Finn._ Rachel explained lamely with a sigh, signing slowly, so Santana could catch on.

She did not care how slow or sometimes hard it was to read her friend's signs were or how many times she had to repeat her own. At that moment, she was just so glad to show off the connection she had with the Latina and that there was definitely a way of talking to her without the whole humiliation thing.

Santana studied Finn for a moment.

"Hudson, wipe off that pitiful look face. 'Cause there is no fucking reason for Rachel to be pitied."

"But – I mean, I feel so bad for her! It seems like I have finally gotten everything I ever wanted! And … and… Rachel has lost everything." Again, he turned and threw a sorrowful look at his former high school love.

Before any of the two women could bring in a word, he continued.

"I just can't believe it. I mean, being deaf…" He wiped his hand over his head. "That...that means that Rachel can't sing anymore! She had such an incredible talent and she was so successful on Broadway and now she is just… I don't know... I feel so sorry. Why did this have to happen to her? Jesus, I just don't get…"

Santana held up a hand. "Ok, stop!" Then she tried to accompany her words by signing." Can you like NOT talk about Rachel as if she wasn't here? And can you empty your fucking pity pot somewhere else, you big hulking idiot? And while we're at it, show some consideration to your ex-fiancée and use the god damn pad that you so dramatically threw on the floor earlier!"

_Sorry. I probably did not make much sense with my hands_ , the Latina apologized to Rachel.

_Well, I got the gist of what you were trying to say_ , the brunette almost chuckled. Then she shook her head and put on a quizzical expression. _What did he say?_

_Just some crap about… you know._

Rachel placed a hand on her friend's forearm while Finn's eyes darted between their hands back and forth.

"Santana, please!" Rachel encouraged the Latina to give her the exact relay.

Once she had received the rocky interpretation, she turned to Finn.

"Finn, I can understand that this shocks you and that you probably need some time to digest the news. But please understand that… however hard it is for me to live without being able to hear, I have had some time to adapt." She searched his face and finally found that he was actually listening to her.

"I'm not saying that it is easy, but I have learned a lot and I have also learned to enjoy my life again. I will always miss singing, performing and listening to music. It was the most important part of my life. But I found out that there are other things I am still capable of doing and that there are other things that are important in my life."

He took in her words and her sincere look. "Like what?" He asked with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

He had felt once felt like Rachel and her talent were the only good things in his future; she had been the most important part of his life once. Rachel being deaf was a huge shock for him, even though he had finally found his inner peace with his wife Megan, his teaching position at a high school in Columbus and the little band he was playing the drums in.

It just seemed so unfair that he had finally found his way after he had felt so lost and without direction or purpose for most of his life while Rachel, who had always seen her own path so clearly in front of her was now stopped dead in her tracks by this tragedy.

Apparently, Rachel was able to read his thoughts or she was just good at reading his expression, because her next words fit to his musings.

"Finn, even though I might not be able to sing anymore, I found out that I have some incredible friends who stand by me and support me." With that, she smiled at Santana. "I still have dreams and plans for my future." Well, the one with the plan was not entirely true, but she did not need to put her own insecurity further on display here.

"Yeah, and just so you know, Berry here is no slouch in the love department either," the Latina threw in, causing a confused look on Finn's face.

"What do you mean?"

"Ok, look. Imma gonna explain it to you," Santana sighed overdramatically at her former classmate's slow thinking. She lifted her hands, trying to keep Rachel in the loop again of what she and Finn were saying.

"You have found a girl who you deserve and who you have a lot in common with, and so did Rachel. And she is stronger than you are giving her credit for, so as tragic as this is, don't pity her. Show some respect instead."

Rachel could not hear the tone of Santana's voice but looking at her facial expression and body language, she assumed that the Latina had raised her voice. Santana bent forward slightly, pointing at Finn to emphasize her last words.

Finn wanted to say something when Santana bent down and retrieved the pad from the floor, pressing it into his hands.

"Shut up, Finn and start writing. That's the least you could do!" Santana retorted angrily, throwing an exasperated look at Rachel, rolling her eyes.

Rachel just quirked an eyebrow and felt oddly calm with the whole exchange all of a sudden. She almost had to laugh when she realized that _she_ almost felt sorry for Finn. She knew that he did not say all those insensitive things to deliberately hurt her. She knew he had a deeper sense for people than that, but he sometimes chose the stupidest moments to display his awkwardness.

Finn finally complied as he poised the pen over the paper. He thought for a moment before scribbling something down.

When he was finished, he handed the pad back to his former fiancée. Rachel took it, but kept her gaze trained on Finn's eyes to gauge his feelings. He seemed genuinely moved by the whole thing. A little tense, still, but also concerned. Finally, she dropped her eyes on the pad.

_Rachel, I don't know what to say, honestly. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I can't even begin to understand. I'm sorry if I overreacted or offended you. It's just that I was so damn sure you would become the biggest Broadway star on earth that I would have bet my life on it. Learning that all your dreams have been destroyed just because of some freaking accident is just … I don't know._

_I have always liked you as a friend, no matter how little our contact had been in the past. And it hurts to see you hurt, is what I'm trying to say I guess._

Rachel considered his words carefully. There it was, in those few last lines, she found the Finn she had once loved. The still awkward, but caring and honest Finn. A small smile appeared on her face. She glanced at the words again before looking up at him.

"Apology accepted."

Then she quickly looked at the Latina, before she continued. Might as well spill the whole story now.

"Santana is right with one thing. Among all the tragedy I… found the love of my life. So please don't feel sorry for me, Finn. As difficult as it still is to accept my deafness, I also received the most valuable gift one can ask for out of this situation. And I'm happy that you've found your way and that you are happy with your life."

Santana turned and Rachel followed her gaze, seeing Quinn finally walking down the hallway.

When the blonde saw the tense expression on Santana's face, she quickened her steps.

"Hello Finn," she greeted the tall guy with a hesitant hug when she was close enough, then hugged Santana briefly as well. Turning to Rachel, placing a soft kiss on her lips, she asked:

_You ok? You seemed a little tense and Santana also appears to be a bit worked up._

Rachel looked at Finn and back at her girlfriend. Finn's eyes became huge at witnessing the intimate gesture between Rachel and Quinn.

Santana could not wipe the smirk off her face.

"So this is… you are… she…," he pointed between Rachel and Quinn.

Rachel chuckled and leaned into the blonde. "Yes, she is the love I was talking about."

"I… wow…ok," he lifted his hands and raked them through his hair. "You definitely managed to break the news-o-meter today, Rachel."

It took Quinn a moment to sign that as she had to finger spell part of the sentence. Once Rachel understood what Finn had said, she smiled bashfully in his direction.

The tall guy seemed to need a moment to digest these news as well, until he came around.

"Ok, um, well, I'm definitely happy for you… for the two of you," he corrected himself quickly.

Quinn kept interpreting for Rachel and both managed to smile at him.

"Thank you Finn," both said in unison.

After an awkward moment, Rachel excused them: "Finn, we'll see each other later, we'd just like to take the chance and walk around and have a look at the school."

"Um, yeah, sure. See you later."

Rachel stuffed the pad into her bag and gave Finn one last look, managing another small, but genuine smile, before she walked down the hall with Quinn, linking her hand with the blonde's. Santana decided to stake out the choir room, giving her two friends a moment to themselves.

They toured the campus, visiting the auditorium, the football field, some of their classrooms and finally the cafeteria. Each room held a bunch of memories they shared and mostly laughed about. Some of the overdramatic events just seemed so small and unimportant in retrospect.

Coming back from their round through the school premises, Quinn told Rachel that she heard a lot of voices coming from the choir room, including Mr. Schuester's. Apparently most of the other Glee kids had arrived in the meantime. Quickly, Quinn squeezed Rachel's hand for courage.

"One down, twelve more to go." Rachel breathed deeply before they neared the open door.

* * *

 


	46. Chapter 46

 

**Just a short note upfront.**

**I haven't included any of the "new" kids in the reunion. I'm just not into them and writing them into the story would probably not do them justice. I think that wouldn't get their characters right.**

**Rachel hasn't had much contact with them anyway, neither did Quinn. So from that POV it also does not make much sense for me to include them.**

**Thank you for you reviews and your thoughts on the Finn part.**

**I don't own Glee.**

**Thanks again to Nicole for beta-reading!**

* * *

 

**Chapter 46**

Almost everybody of the original New Directions was already present when Quinn and Rachel entered the choir room. Even though there were more members and newcomers now in the club, they held this meeting traditionally in the old formation.

Quinn felt herself taken back to six years ago; it was like having entered a time machine. _Whooosh_ , and there she was, back in her senior year, shortly before graduation.

She felt Rachel's grip tightening over her hand and the petite woman seemed to be shrinking slightly behind Quinn, as if afraid to face the room.

It was understandable. You did not get to tell your old friends from school every day that you have lost your hearing, especially not when you used to be one of the best singers among them.

They had all naturally gathered in their old seating order, except for Finn. He had not returned to the room yet, which relieved Rachel somehow. She didn't know if he would have said something to the others regarding her accident before she had a chance to tell them herself.

Brittany was also missing, but Santana had told them that the blonde former Cheerio would not join them, or at least she would come by only later. She had a family event that she could not get out of. The relief was plainly written all over Santana's face, and Rachel could not blame her.

However, Rachel would have liked to meet Brittany again, well, under other circumstances at least. She had always liked the tall blonde with her crazy ideas. She just had this refreshing different way of understanding the world.

The "kids" were all sitting on the chairs on the dais animatedly chatting with each other; Mr. Schuester was standing by the baby grand rummaging through some papers. It really resembled a picture from another time and Quinn had to smile at the sight. Oh, how she had missed this!

Puck was the first to spot them and jumped up from his seat where he had been chatting with Mike. He squeezed Quinn in a tight hug. Rachel did not let go of the blonde's hand, instead gripping it harder that it almost hurt. Quinn had to embrace Noah with just one arm, before he focused on Rachel.

"Hi Jewish princess! Long time no see! So glad to finally see you again!" And he enveloped her in a hearty embrace as well.

When they parted, Rachel managed to answer in a low voice, hardly looking him in the eye:

"Hi Noah, good to see you again," and she threw him a weak smile before glancing back on the floor and then at Quinn, who smiled encouragingly at her. Puck threw a confused look at Rachel because of the lack of her enthusiasm. Gazing at Quinn, she shook her head ever so slightly, telling him to drop it. Frowning, he shrugged and took a step back to let the others greet the newcomers.

Next came Mr. Schuester who hugged them followed by the rest of the Glee Clubbers. Kurt held his friend for a long moment, trying to transmit his encouragement through this gesture. The former singer smiled gratefully up at him. He tactfully did not sign to her, guessing she wanted to break the news to the group herself and he had noticed that Quinn did not help interpreting for Rachel either.

Rachel still held on to Quinn's hand as if it was a lifeline that was saving her from drowning. She did not know or care if anyone found it weird. The brunette managed to address everyone with a nice greeting, hoping she was not totally off mark with her comments or that she missed a question directed at her.

Rachel would not let Quinn interpret for her. Something was holding her back, which was stupid, she knew. She would have to tell them eventually sooner than later because after all the greetings Mr. Schuester was standing there and looking at her.

She was so engrossed in her own thoughts she had not noticed that everyone had gotten back to their seats. Apparently, the teacher had asked something which had escaped her attention.

She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, did you say something? I was just lost in thoughts, Mr. Schuester." Quinn tugged on her hand as her former teacher waved at the chairs. Obviously, he had asked them to take a seat.

On her way over to the group, she caught Santana's eyes. The Latina threw her an honest and encouraging smile. Rachel chose one on the far side of the group, with Quinn as a buffer next to her, so she could stall for more time so no one was able to pose an immediate question or comment at her.

This was so hard for Rachel. She had mustered other situations in the past months, but it was still so damn difficult for her to admit her disability in front of people still, especially those who knew her. To tell them one by one would have been ok, but facing all of them together, especially when they would probably all start talking in parallel upon her revelation. She would not be able to catch one single word of what was being said, which did not make the prospect of facing up to the challenge any easier.

Again, she felt Quinn trying to give her comfort and security through her touch. Santana moved two chairs over and sat behind her. The Latina placed a hand on Rachel's shoulder for and gave it a light squeeze.

Drawing strength from Quinn and her friends, Rachel raised her hand before Mr. Schuester could say anything. She did not want miss out to miss out on his plans just because she was too shy to have Quinn interpret for her. Besides, she wouldn't be able to participate anyway.

Mr. Schuester gestured at Rachel and she could see him form her name with his lips, giving her the word. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mercedes lean forward, looking at her with a smile. Rachel turned her head and thought to have read something like _just like old times_. She smiled back at Mercedes and stood up.

"Thank you, Mr. Schuester." Rachel bravely took a few steps forward and placed a hand on the black piano for support. She surveyed the faces of her former high school friends and took a very deep breath.

And another.

Quinn stood up and walked towards her, taking a place next to her.

"What, you're gonna tell us that you and Quinn are a couple?" Puck asked. "That was kinda obvious." He seemed a little angry; not knowing what was going on and was still wondering why Rachel was so distant. They had become good friends over the years and her silence over the past months was just nothing he could understand, neither was her aloof behavior towards him, when finally meeting again after months with no contact at all.

"No Puck, that is not what she is going to say. Shut up, ok?" Quinn retorted.

Rachel threw Quinn a questioning look and Quinn just voiced one word to her: _Later_. Then she placed her hand at the small of Rachel's back for comfort.

Rachel nodded. "Ok." Then she turned back to the others again.

"Mr. Schuester, before we are going to discuss what we're going to do today," another deep breath, "please count me out. And no, Mercedes," she stalled her former solo rival who had already opened her mouth to say something, "it has nothing to do with me wanting or fighting for a solo," she tried to joke before smiling sadly.

Rachel lowered her gaze for a moment and then looked up again. "Nine months ago, I was in a car accident and I lost my hearing."

She pretty much used the same words she had directed at Santana all those weeks ago, without preface, without preamble. The she shrugged with one shoulder and held up her hands, in a surrendering gesture.

"I won't be able to sing with you."

There, it was out.

Rachel exhaled slowly.

She watched the different reactions on the faces of her old friends. Some were gaping at her in disbelief. There were a couple of incredulous "What?" thrown at her, if she guessed it right. Other than that, they all just seemed to stare at her as if not quite understanding what she had just told them.

The uncomfortable moment seemed to drag on until Mercedes was the first to get over her initial shock.

"That can't be true!? You've got to be kidding me, Rachel."

Rachel turned to Quinn for a translation but Kurt had already lifted his hands. As he was sitting in the back t with only Blaine next to him, the others did not notice that he was interpreting for Rachel.

"No Mercedes, I'm afraid not. I wish I were, though," Rachel smiled sadly.

Mercedes threw her a confused look. "And how did you know what I was saying?"

At that, Mr. Schuester got up from his chair next to the piano and pointed at Kurt.

"Because Mr. Hummel has kindly interpreted your words in the form of sign language, Mercedes."

Mercedes and some others turned to look at Kurt who lifted his hands and shrugged with a small smile after having finished interpreting the rest of the exchange. Quinn interpreted the small exchange in the meantime, drawing some looks at herself. She saw how uncomfortable and unhappy Rachel felt and how difficult the situation was for her. Quinn wished there was _something_ she could do to ease the moment.

The teacher walked over to Rachel, one hand stemmed on his hip, with the other he wiped pensively over his mouth.

"Ah, Rachel, I don't know…" and he looked at Kurt for help, "…what to say."

Quinn took up a spot next to the teacher and interpreted for him instead of Kurt. Mr. Schuester just looked at Rachel with a mixture of fatherly concern and disbelief.

"Well, there is nothing much to say, Mr. Schuester." Rachel lifted her shoulders. "I... I just wanted to tell you all personally."

"Jesus, that explains it," Artie breathed and Mr. Schuester turned to look at him. From the teacher's reaction Rachel noticed that Artie had said something.

Rachel turned questioningly to Quinn who formed his words with her hands.

The former Glee captain looked at the floor, remembering the messages and requests for her feedback from Artie regarding his short film.

"Sorry. I really wanted to... I would have...It's just… I'm sorry," she ended lamely.

Artie said something to Quinn while Rachel was distracted by Tina moving her mouth. She was not sure if she was addressing the group, her or just her boyfriend. The brunette's gaze flickered back to Quinn, already feeling completely lost.

In a room full of people it was not easy to follow just with your eyes who was talking when to whom. It had already been difficult during the dinner at Quinn's home some weeks ago with just five other people sitting around the table.

Here it was impossible for Rachel to follow and thread of conversation. Quinn and Kurt were the only ones who would be able to clarify for her who said what.

Quinn finger-spelled Artie's name to make sure Rachel knew who had asked the question she was going to sign. Rather than summarizing what was being asked or said, Rachel had asked to receive the interpretation of the sentences as they had been spoken originally. Quinn only edited her interpretations when Rachel _asked_ her to summarize something. So rather than signing _Artie wants to know how to communicate with you_ , she relayed the original question.

_A-R-T-I-E How can we talk to her? Is it ok if you translate for us or what does she prefer?_ Quinn signed. Then added as an explanation: _He asked me this question. But I think you should answer that,_ Quinn smiled.

Rachel nodded and turned back to her friends.

"You might have noticed that Quinn and Kurt know American Sign Language. Santana as well. A little." She threw the Latina a grateful look.

"They can interpret whatever you or anyone else is saying. Texting or writing on a piece of paper also work. I am just asking all of you that if you choose to speak with me, please look at me, otherwise I am not sure if you are talking to me or Quinn or Kurt. Besides, that also makes it easier for me to read your lips."

After that, she let out a long breath.

Quinn closed the gap between them and gave her girlfriend a tight hug, quickly signing: _You did great. I'm really proud of you!_

This prompted a small smile from the brunette.

All eyes rested on Rachel. She felt a bit like an animal in the zoo.

No one seemed to know what to say or do. Apparently, they still needed some time to digest the news.

After what seemed like an endless moment, when Rachel felt the increasing urge to run out of the room to escape the looks, Puck was the first to get up and walk over.

She gazed at Noah. He sat in his chair with a motionless expression on his face, hiding something behind this controlled outer exterior. Rachel knew her friend, she saw in his eyes and his posture that the news had shocked him more than he let on. Finally he was the first to get up and walk over to her.

Puck stopped a couple of steps in front of her and looked at her. Then he shook his head and tried to say something, but he couldn't find the right words. Finally he managed something that looked like "Man, what the…" but he did not finish his sentence. He threw her a painful look.

"Puck…"

He furrowed his brows. "I… can't. This… you…Jesus, you're supposed to be… Fuck!"

With a shake of his head, he stormed out, hitting the door jamb with his fist in frustration before he disappeared around the corner.

Rachel followed his exit with her eyes, too stunned to move or say anything.

She had expected a lot of things, but not Puck having such a hard time learning what had happened to her. Then again, they had become good friends over the years and he had madly tried to get into contact with her over the past months just like everyone else.

Rachel had finally brought herself to write him a short message to tell him that she would be coming to the Glee Club meeting. She had also apologized to him for not answering his messages. So it was kind of understandable that he took it quite hard learning about his friend's disability and the end of her career.

Puck had seen all her shows and had become a great supporter. He was really good at giving advice if she was stuck or unsure of how to play out a certain scene during her preparation. When she would play it out a little overly dramatic, he would help her tone it down to the right measure.

Rachel in turn had visited his little one-man shows whenever he performed on stage. It wasn't anything big, just something he did in his free time, but what he did was great. Rachel had encouraged him more than once to search for bigger opportunities to perform. She was never shy to point out different locations, concerts or competitions where he could possibly perform. But he just seemed content with what he was doing.

He had managed to set up his own company that specialized in providing security personnel for singers and actors whenever they were performing or visiting an event in and around New York City. He invested most of his energy into his firm, his performances would only be a hobby to vent some stress, and that was how he liked it.

Rachel felt a tap on her arm and slowly turned back from the door. She saw Artie in front of her and wondered if all the boys were going to take it as hard or if anyone of them would make it a little easier for her. Maybe all her famous storm-outs had rubbed off on them.

Artie's warm smile was very welcome. She managed to lift up the corners of her mouth as well for his sake. She guessed if someone in this room understood anything about disabilities, it was him.

He waved for her to come closer. Rachel bent down towards him and he hugged her hesitantly. When Artie felt her lean into him, he held her for a moment. Then she stood back up, the position being a little uncomfortable.

Artie looked at Quinn questioningly.

"Can you tell her that…"

Quinn interrupted him.

"Tell her directly, not me. I'm just interpreting."

Artie looked back to Rachel whose eyes skipped between him and Quinn. Quinn positioned herself next to his chair. This way, it was easier for Rachel to see her hands and Artie could concentrate on her.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry that this happened. I can imagine that it must be quite hard for you. If… if there is anything I can do for you, let me know. If I had known…. I wouldn't have bombarded you with my messages. I'm sorry about that."

"It's ok, Artie. I'm the one who has to apologize…"

Rachel saw Artie focused on something behind her. When she turned, she spotted Finn standing hesitatingly in the door. He looked around the room, unsure of what to do next.

"Hey, good to see you, man!" Artie greeted him, smiling. Then he sobered. "Guess you just missed the big news."

Rachel watched Finn shake his head. "No. I already know." He answered and slowly stepped forward, his gaze settling on her.

Quinn also interpreted their small exchange. She did not want Rachel to miss anything.

"I met Rachel earlier in the hallway. She… told me what happened to her. She tried, at least, but I was too absorbed in my own anger to really get what she was trying to tell me." Finn turned from Artie to Rachel.

"I'm sorry that I reacted so stupid out there." He made a vague movement with his thumb over his shoulder. Them he stepped forward and hugged a slightly surprised Rachel.

"You already apologized, Finn. There's no need to do it again," Rachel smiled slightly at him.

Finn shook his head. "I still feel bad for ignoring you out there and for rambling on and on... He waited, checking if Quinn had finished interpreting his words, then added: "Maybe it was a good thing that you didn't hear all of my ramblings." He halted. "I mean, I... wanted to say... I got so mad that you never answered my calls or let me know how you were. Now that I know I just feel so egoistic and mean for having shouted at you. Really, I'm sorry."

Rachel narrowed her eyes and looked at Finn for a moment, before she answered.

"I also have to apologize that I haven't been in touch with you." She looked around the room, addressing everyone. "I'm really sorry that I haven't been in contact with anyone of you lately. I know that you must have been wondering what happened or maybe you just thought that… you know, I was behaving like a diva," she tried to smile before continuing.

"I just had a lot to deal with over the past months and even though it is still hard, I try taking each day as it comes, I try to move on. Please be patient with me if I still need time to adjust." She quickly looked at Quinn who squeezed her hand slightly.

Then she turned back to Artie and Finn.

"Thank you, Artie. And thank you Finn for what you said."

Now that the ice had been broken by the two former football players, and everyone else had seen how Quinn's interpretation worked, more of the glee clubbers came to Rachel and gave her some encouraging words. Rachel was relieved that even though some conversations were a little awkward, at least no one else stormed out of the room.

Mr. Schuester was the last to speak to her. "I can't begin to understand what this means for you, Rachel. I was really happy to see your career taking off. I … I just hope that you will find you way and that you will never give up, no matter what other people tell you. I know that you have it in you to overcome _any_ obstacle, Rachel!"

These encouraging words brought a traitorous shimmer into Rachel's eyes and the tears spilled when he stepped forward and pulled her in a tight and affectionate embrace.

"Thank you, Mr. Schue," was all she could manage after they let go of each other. She wiped the tears away and put on a brave smile again.

She was glad that all of them were so concerned about her and wanted to help her. But she also knew that in the near future, she would still prefer to keep some of her distance. She was really glad to have Kurt and Santana as close friends, but she did not feel ready to let the people from her former life in all at once. She just hoped they would be patient with her just as she had asked them to.

After these first exchanges and encouragements, they settled back into their seats.

Puck came back into the room. He slumped into a chair next to Rachel and placed a hand on her thigh.

She watched his lips, but when he finished, she turned towards Quinn who helped her understand what he said.

_I'm sorry that I took it so hard. It must be ten thousand times worse for you. It's just that I was so worried over the past months and now this… I just needed to digest that._

"I know," Rachel breathed. She looked at her friend and after a short moment, they hugged each other and Puck pressed her against himself. "Let's talk later, ok?"

He nodded. "Promise?" She read it from his lips.

"Promise!"

Rachel leaned back in her chair and cast a glance around the room.

Everyone was looking expectantly at their former teacher, not quite knowing what to do now. Mr. Schuster had a pensive expression on his face. It seemed inappropriate to continue with their usual program of singing and making music.

Rachel felt the tension in the air.

She did not want her former classmates to miss out on the fun because of her. So she stood up and looked at her friends.

"You know, you don't have to cancel our usual … routine. It's… it's ok. It wouldn't be fair if all of you had to miss out on the fun just because of me." She quickly shot a glance at Quinn, who reached up and squeezed her hand.

"It's just that I … um, I don't think I can stay and watch..." She threw an apologetic look into the round and saw some sad smiles. She turned to grab her jacket from the back from her chair.

"Stay, Quinn, if you want. I don't expect you to leave with me," she then said quietly to her girlfriend.

The blonde shook her head and signed. "No, I'll come with you." And as Rachel opened her mouth to contradict her, Quinn just raised her hands again and added softly: "It's my decision."

At that point, Mercedes jumped up and went to Mr. Schuester to quietly discuss something with him.

Quinn and Rachel were just putting their jackets on while walking out when Quinn heard Mercedes call them back.

"Guys, wait!"

The blonde turned and tugged on Rachel's sleeve to get her attention. Rachel looked up and followed Quinn's finger which was pointing at the other singer.

With a quirked eyebrow, Rachel waited for Mercedes to continue, and then gazed back at Quinn's hands.

"Rachel, we don't want you to leave. Even though, I guess, everyone can understand that … you don't want to hang around watching us … sing. But there is one thing I just remembered and maybe that… that might work for you. I don't know. I hope that… that it's ok with you?"

She ended her explanation in a question, which Quinn also brought across signing, but Rachel had no clue on what the idea Mercedes was talking about was. She just shrugged with one shoulder, making a gesture with her hand that encouraged the other woman to continue.

Mercedes looked at Mr. Schuester, who nodded reassuringly and went to the piano.

Mercedes laughed a bit embarrassed and looked again at her former solo-rival. "Maybe you have to help us out a bit; we could be a bit rusty."

Rachel looked from Quinn's hands to her eyes, clearly still not having a clue on what was coming. Mercedes did not expect her to sing, did she? She felt the panic rise. She couldn't... She wouldn't... Wide eyed, she asked what was happening with a look. Quinn shrugged and shook her head, she also had no idea.

As soon as the first notes from the piano filled the room, the blonde closed her eyes and smiled.

Of course.

Why she had not remembered _that,_ she had no idea, but it was really kind of obvious.

Rachel still had a confused look on her face, unable to hear the melody that filled the room to give her a hint. As her eyes fell on Mercedes, she understood.

Tina, Mike, Santana and Sam left their seats and joined Mercedes on the floor, as well as Kurt and Blaine.

Quinn pulled Rachel towards the piano. She saw her girlfriend's eyes wide with wonder. She had clearly not expected _this_.

Rachel fixed her eyes on Mercedes lips and even without the signs accompanying the words; she recognized the song.

They were singing _Imagine_ , accompanied by the signs they still remembered from their joint performance with the choir group from the Haverbrook School for the Deaf.

Most of them struggled a lot to remember the signs; it _had_ been a long time ago after all. Rachel stood there, torn between laughing and crying. She remembered Mercedes' voice and would have given anything to hear it live again at that moment. It was one of her favorite songs.

They all gathered around the piano and Quinn placed a hand on the small of her girlfriend's back to give her a little push. Slowly Rachel stepped forward and leaned against the black, shiny instrument. She felt the vibrations through the black lacquered wood and looked at the expectant faces around her.

Slowly and a bit shyly, Rachel raised her hands and showed them the lyrics in sign language together with Quinn and Kurt. She asked to start from the beginning, her eyes close on Mercedes lips to know which lyrics they were signing and which words she had to interpret.

Her former Glee clubbers copied her movements and Quinn leaned softy into Rachel for a second and smiled proudly at her.

Rachel knew the song by heart and would have liked to sing with them so much, but she did not dare to do it. Leaning on her experience with Kurt, she felt like she probably _could_ do it, but just was not ready to try it in this huge round. So she kept signing along with the rest, and watched their lips form the familiar words.

They ran through the song until everyone had the signs memorized again. After that they wanted to sing-sign another one, one that Rachel was familiar with.

As surprised and touched Rachel was at Mercedes initial idea, as increasingly uncomfortable she felt now. She appreciated her friend's thoughtfulness a lot, but it just was not the same.

Learning to sign was exhausting and needed a lot of concentration, especially when you combined it with singing. After a while, more and more hands sank down and the singing took over. She couldn't even blame them, it was a natural consequence.

Still, it hurt.

It fucking hurt so much, seeing them having fun at something that she would never be able to participate in again. Rachel threw a look at Quinn, who at that moment exuded happiness at being included in this circle again that it was hard for Rachel to bear.

She felt bad for not being able to grant Quinn this joy; not without feeling her own loss even more. It was not fair.

Then again what was?

Rachel watched for a moment longer, catching a look from Kurt. She put on a brave smile for his sake, hoping to hide her frustration. He smiled back at her and kept signing and singing. She loved him for this little gesture at that moment.

Still, she had to get out.

It was NOT the same. It never would be. This thought started hammering in her head when she saw the others laughing and singing while Mr. Schuester kept playing the tunes on the piano.

It was all silent.

She thought she had gone past this. She thought she had been prepared for what was going to happen today. She thought she had managed to look beyond her own pain. Yes, there would always be reminders of what she had lost, but Rachel was surprised at the force of the emotions that came flooding through her.

She disengaged herself little by little, slowly stepping backwards. Careful to not draw any attention, she inched away from the group. Everyone was caught up in the song they were currently singing, laughing and cheering at each other.

Rachel used the moment to pick up her jacket and bag that she had dropped a little to the side of the piano and rushed out of the door.

She started running down the hall, pushed the doors open and collapsed on the stairs outside. She couldn't stand upright anymore. Her whole stomach seemed to squeeze itself into a tight ball as realization sank in.

She would never belong anymore.

As much as people tried, she would never ever be the same. _It would never be the same._ She would always be an outsider, no matter how much her friends tried to include her, all their good intentions could not completely make up for the loss of her hearing.

And the worst of it was that she felt that she would always be a burden to Quinn. Quinn would always be torn between the responsibility to provide interpretations and explanations for her and her own desire to participate in things Rachel just couldn't do anymore.

Rachel wanted Quinn to be carefree and have fun without having to worry about her. She had realized that when she saw the absolute happiness on Quinn's face while she sang with the others.

And Rachel herself…well, she finally had to admit it.

She wanted to get away from music and anything related to it as far possible.

She had tried. She had truly tried to make it work. But with every passing day, it was harder and harder to face, seeing how music was still a large part of her lover's and friends' lives.

As this realization sank it, it felt like she was drowning, the ground she had stood on was suddenly pulled away from under her feet.

She needed to get away. She needed to leave everything that had ever made up her life go. It just hurt too much. She would never be able to heal if she kept stabbing at her open wounds.

Rachel let out a long, painful groan, placing her hands over her face. Her whole body was filled with agony. She felt like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest when she realized the true consequences of her whole situation.

She had not noticed that someone had come up behind her and jumped when Kurt sat down next to her.

"It hu… hurts so much," she choked, trying to level her breathing.

Kurt did not say anything.

There was nothing to be said.

He could not ease that pain as much as he wanted to. He could not help Rachel in a way she would have needed. No one could. So all he could do was to show her that he understood. But before he was able to say anything, Rachel raised her voice again.

"Kurt, I don't think I ca… can do this any longer. I ha… have really tried these past months." She tried to ease her breathing. When she finally managed to take some even breaths, she continued.

"You have all helped me, but the longer this goes on, the more I realize the real impact it has on all our lives. Especially on Quinn's." Tears welled up again and slid over her cheeks. Kurt felt all the pain and cursed his helplessness at that moment.

He cursed the driver of that fucking car, he cursed the photographers for keeping Rachel so late at the shoot and he cursed the whole universe for doing this to his friend.

Rachel continued in a whisper and he could hardly understand what she was saying. Later, he wished he had never heard the next words at all.

"I can't ask that of her. As much as I love her, she needs to live her life. Her life is music, sounds, singing. Mine is just … nothing. Silence. As much as I try and wish, I'll never be able to participate in it anymore and will never be able to appreciate her true talent. She … needs someone in her life who can … understand her completely."

Rachel turned her head and saw the painful truth in Kurt's eyes. He seemed to understand what she was hinting at.

"And I just don't want to be seen as the poor deaf former Broadway star that all she does is follow in the shadow of her famous girlfriend. That's just too humiliating."

_But who says that people will think that, Rachel?_

"Jesus Kurt, get out of your bubble and look around you! Haven't you seen the looks on our friend's faces? I know they tried and I love Mercedes for what she was trying to do. Still, all of them were thinking 'poor Rachel, she had such a promising career and now, what does she have now? Boy, I'm just glad this didn't happen to me'."

She searched Kurt's eyes. "You know it's true. I saw it in their eyes. And I can't even blame them! I would probably think the same!"

She looked at her hands. "I can't do it. I thought that I might somehow… I thought that … but it just … it hurts so much! I need to take some time … I need to stay away from anything that is music related." She finally managed.

_Anything or anyone?_ Kurt asked bluntly.

At first, Rachel did not answer and Kurt was not sure if she had seen his signs. Finally, she answered, signing as well.

Kurt's heart ached at seeing the devastated look on his friend's face as she delivered her answer.

_You know the answer to that._

Through her own tears she saw the sad look in Kurt's eyes when he lifted his hands again. _Rachel, don't! Don't just throw everything away!_ _You've worked so hard to come this far. Please!_

"I can't."

Trying to stifle another sob with her hand covering her mouth, Rachel jumped up, grabbed her bag and quickly fled down the stairs. Reaching the level ground she ran off.

Kurt also jumped up and was short of calling after her, realizing at the last moment how useless that was. He did not have his jacket with him and was shaking from the cold, still he was about to run after his friend when he heard the door behind him open.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Quinn pushed the door open and her eyes fell on Kurt who was standing at the stairs, looking at her with sad eyes. The blonde got a sinking feeling in her stomach at seeing the expression on his face.

"Where is Rachel?" she asked with a low voice, already fearing the worst.

"She, uh, she … just …." He made a halfhearted gesture in the direction Rachel had taken off.

When Quinn wanted to start after her, Kurt held her by the arm. "Wait, Quinn. I think she needs some time."

"What do you mean? Time for what?" Quinn was confused.

Kurt seemed to know something she was not aware of. It made her feel completely uneasy, on top of already feeling guilty at not having noticed how uncomfortable Rachel had felt during their jam session soon enough.

Something seemed to be gripping her heart and squeeze it hard. It was difficult to breathe all of a sudden. All the strange feelings and premonitions she had over the past days came rushing back.

_Oh god, oh god._

What was going on? What had she missed? She felt like someone was pulling the floor from under her feet and there was nothing to steady her.

Quinn felt a sob leave her throat and raked her hands through her hair. Jesus, she was not going to lose it right here and now. 'Get a grip on yourself', Quinn ordered herself.

"Where did she go, Kurt?"

Kurt placed both hands on the blonde's upper arms. "Quinn! Listen." God, how should he say the next words?

Quinn finally turned her head away from the stairs and looked at Kurt with weary eyes.

"I don't like the way you are looking at me. What the hell did she tell you?"

Kurt hesitated for a moment.

"Rachel just realized that even though she has made progress over the past months, nothing that she had learned will ever replace her hearing in the end. It all gets better, she learns to adapt but at a certain point there will not be any further progress. And no matter how much she will learn to adapt and how much _we_ will learn to adapt, it – she - will never be the same. Nothing will ever be able to make up for her loss completely."

He paused a moment before continuing.

"And she knows that no matter how much she tries, she will never be able to appreciate you completely. She thinks that she will always hold you back."

Quinn jerked out of his grip. "That is absolute fucking BULLSHIT, Kurt!"

He looked at her for a long moment and then asked quietly. "Is it?"

The simple question deflated Quinn's anger.

She sank down to sit on the stairs. Kurt mimicked her movement and sat down next to her.

Quinn needed a moment to sort out the thoughts raging inside her head. This sounded so much like Rachel wanted to break up with her! This just could not happen. This was not real!

They had waited for so long to confess their love to each other and now, just because of a fucking twist of fate, just because of some fucking drunk driver who couldn't get his life straight, their lives were ruined? And just because of Rachel's disability and her own choice of profession, they would never have a chance to truly be happy?

It was so UNFAIR!

Quinn replayed their last moments in the choir room, trying to see it from Rachel's perspective.

It had been nice to sing and sign _Imagine_ for her, but as soon as they slipped into their old routine, it must have been like a slap in the face for Rachel. It must have clearly shown to her that she would never be able to participate in that part of their lives anymore.

No one had wanted to shut Rachel out deliberately. The dynamic of the session had just naturally shifted to them singing and jamming. And Quinn had felt so happy at that moment to be able to reconnect with her old friends that she had not even noticed that Rachel had left.

Jesus, how could she have been so oblivious and careless?

She was so ashamed of herself. Quinn was forcing back the tears. "God, it must have been awful for Rachel to see us all so happy while knowing that she … and then _I_ don't even realize how bad she must have felt. I'm her _girlfriend_. I should have noticed!"

"Quinn, that is exactly what Rachel meant. You shouldn't feel bad for having fun! She doesn't want you to always feel as if you're obligated to go after her, trying to make her feel comfortable all the time. She knows that singing is your life and she doesn't want to stand in your way. Having this disability will always require making compromises. And that is something she doesn't want you to do."

"But… but…" Quinn was at a loss for words.

Then she told Kurt what she had never told anyone before. It had been hard enough admitting it to herself, let alone telling someone else. Kurt, she felt, could probably understand her. She got up and started pacing before she found the right words to say. Walking always helped her think.

"I have to admit that sometimes it is exhausting to always have to think about how this and that would affect Rachel and how to make sure she still enjoys herself. Sometimes, I feel like I have to be on constant alert if we are with other people. I'm always torn between wanting to be there for her and just enjoy myself and be myself without having to worry for once. I mean, I still enjoy being with her, but when we are with other people I just feel ...on guard. I feel like I'm not allowed to relax. Not because _she_ doesn't want me to, _she_ doesn't put that pressure on me, it's because _I_ don't allow myself to."

She stopped pacing and looked at Kurt.

"And she knows that, Quinn. She knows that no matter what she tells you, you will always feel and act that way." Kurt told Quinn gently.

"I know she can't enjoy things the way I can; we all can. And on the other hand, I just want to let loose once in a while. That makes me such a bad person!"

Quinn started walking back and forth again.

"And I feel so selfish for thinking that! How can I, who has achieved so much in my life, think like that when Rachel has lost everything? How egoistic and mean is that, Kurt? You know, even though Rachel insists that I have changed, that I'm not that person from high school anymore, I don't agree. I think I still am that heartless, self-centered bitch!"

Kurt got up and stopped Quinn in her tracks and forced her to look at him.

"Quinn, that is not true! And you know that in your heart! How could the HBIC from all those years ago have managed to help Rachel come so far after her accident? You have changed. Or rather, you have finally let the real 'you' come out. Yes, part of you is still the same person from all those years ago. But that is a good thing, because that part drives you and makes you want to succeed! Rather than trying to get everything by force and bullying, you have found the part in you that manage to see things differently and to act differently in a kinder and wiser way. You have finally managed to connect to your heart, Quinn."

Kurt looked at his friend and when she would not meet his gaze, he said, "Quinn, what does your heart tell you now?" He had so much more to say, but Quinn needed to listen to her own inner voice.

The blonde sniffed a couple of times.

"My heart says that I love this woman like crazy, that even though she is deaf, she is still the most beautiful, wonderful, inspiring and fun person to be with. Even though life might be more complicated now than it should be, nothing weighs more than the fact that I love her. And yes, even though it hurts to know that she can never experience a certain part of my life, it's nothing that would make me want to break up with her. I believe that we still have such a deep connection that we can find a way to deal with everything."

Quinn let out a long breath and turned towards the direction Rachel had disappeared to.

"I just don't know… I thought she was ... We were...getting through this."

"Quinn, no matter what progress Rachel has made, something like that cannot be accepted or overcome in a matter of months. I was surprised at how much she was willing to try already, but maybe it was too much or too fast and everything just caught up with her when she saw us singing in there."

"Do you think I have been pushing her too much?" Quinn looked devastated.

Kurt shook his head. "No, Quinn. You were really careful and respectful with everything you did and planned for her. And you always gave her a choice. I have never seen you force her to do anything over the past months, neither has Rachel said one word on this account. I really do think that she took all those choices deliberately because she wanted to move forward and get her life back. All I'm saying is that maybe she put too much pressure upon herself instead of taking more time."

Quinn swallowed hard.

"I need to find her."

Kurt nodded. "Want me to come with you?"

Quinn shook her head. "Thanks Kurt, but no." And she hugged him shortly before she ran down the stairs. After a couple of steps, she turned and called back: "Did Rachel tell you where she went?"

He shook his head. "No."

Kurt watched his friend bound down the rest of stairs and hoped so much that the two would manage to get through this. He wanted this so much for Rachel.

... ... ...

Rachel wandered aimlessly around the streets. She had no idea where to go. She didn't want to go home. Nothing felt like home anymore. Quinn had been her "home".

She felt so utterly lost at that moment. She had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. Nothing that came into her mind could give her any consolation.

After wandering around the town for one and a half hours, she felt her feet get really cold. Rachel was not really dressed for a long winter hike, but she still did not feel like facing anyone. So she kept walking, completely ignoring her phone that had vibrated several times in her pocket.

Lost in thoughts, she crossed the street not looking left or right and neither heard the brakes squealing nor the other woman across the street shouting for her to look out. Only when she saw the hood of the car out of the corner of her eyes just inches from her legs, her head jerked up and she jumped backwards with a start.

Her heart almost stopped.

The car had literally come out of nowhere.

After a couple of seconds in which everything seemed to stand still, the shock ebbed away and the petite woman managed to step backwards onto the sidewalk.

The driver shouted something and angrily waved his hands before he drove off. The woman on the other side of the street kept looking in her direction and then slowly walked on.

Trying to get her breathing under control, Rachel sat on the small wall that bordered the sidewalk. She gulped down some breaths of air, her hand on her heart, trying to get it to stop beating like it wanted to jump out of her chest.

Jesus, that was a close call.

She remembered that she used to have a habit of crossing quieter streets in her hometown often without looking. She just relied on her hearing that would warn her of approaching traffic. Only now, that technique did not work anymore. She had to be more careful if she did not want to end up in the hospital again. One disability was enough to bear.

Then again, if a car hit her really hard, it might just very conveniently put her out of her misery. Right now, that was not such an unwelcome thought.

Rachel tried to pull the sleeves of her coat over her hands while she felt the cold from the stone wall sift through her clothes.

Did she really want to think about that option again? Did she want to give up already? After all she had gone through; it seemed like a cowardice choice. But it was still an option she could choose, if...

What had Quinn said how long it took to adjust to a disability? Up to four years? _Four_ fucking years! No. That seemed like an eternity.

She gave herself two years. Not more. And almost half the time was already up.

Rachel had no idea how she was going to survive the next year,. It was her own damn choice to set Quinn free, but the thought of not having her - and inevitably Santana - in her life made her felt like she had been amputated a limb.

Slowly she got up, feeling so heavy in her heart that it required a real effort to start walking again.

Rachel took up her wanderings until she noticed a car drive up next to her. She did not pay much attention to it, but it kept following her, which was really creepy.

She walked faster. Looking up to try to orientate herself, she found that she had wandered to the opposite side of the town from where she lived. That meant quite a long walk back home.

The car came after her, then drove past her and stopped at the curb in front of her. A tall, dark haired woman got out and stepped in Rachel's way.

Finally recognizing who had been following her, Rachel breathed in relief.

Quinn had called Santana at some point when she wasn't able to find Rachel. Santana had wondered where both of the women and Kurt had disappeared to during their jam session and Kurt had filled her in when he came back into the choir room.

Everyone was really worried, but Kurt did not tell them all the details. He just pulled Santana aside and gave her the rough summary.

Santana had stormed out of the class room with a "Oh that Berry still hasn't forgotten how to make a dramatic exit" and left the rest of the stunned New Direction members in her wake to help Quinn find her missing girlfriend.

Quinn had told her where she had looked so Santana drove off in the opposite direction, finally spotting Rachel's small frame on the sidewalk.

The Latina did not expect a warm welcome and as expected, she did not get one from her friend.

"Santana. Jesus, you scared me. What do you want?"

"What do I _want_?" The Latina exclaimed with an incredulous look on her face.

"You know what, I don't care. Just leave me alone," Rachel retorted and brushed past her.

Santana grabbed her hand to hold her back. "Jesus, your hands are freezing. Don't you have gloves?"

Rachel pulled her hand back; she didn't even care what the other woman had said.

"Santana, I mean it. Leave me alone. I'm sick of having to guess what people are trying to say, I'm sick of forcing people having to write down something or learn sign language for me, I am just sick of everything. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!" Rachel turned to walk away.

The Latina ran after her, stopped in front of her again and placed a hand on Rachel's shoulder. Then she pointed two fingers at her own eyes and then pointed at herself.

_Look at me!_

But Rachel kept on walking until Santana grabbed her arms in such a strong hold that Rachel did not have a chance at escaping. She tried to wiggle out of the fierce grip, but the personal trainer was just too strong.

"Let me go! You are hurting me, Santana."

Not wanting to cause a scene in the middle of the street, Rachel stopped struggling against the hands that held her like a vice.

"Will you listen?" Santana asked, making sure Rachel could read her lips clearly since her hands were still occupied.

Rachel just looked to the side, pointedly showing her unwillingness to cooperate.

Santana did not let herself be deterred by the dismissal.

She released one of Rachel's arms, half expecting the former diva to break away, but to the Latina's surprise, the petite woman kept standing where she was. Slowly, Santana loosened her other hand. Carefully, she reached out and tilted Rachel's chin so she would look at her.

_Rachel, I can understand that you are hurting. Believe me, I really can_.

She watched as Rachel started to retort something, but she raised her hands to still her friend's answer.

Slowly and carefully, she tried to sign the next words, making a point by not writing them down.

_Do you really think cutting all ties with Quinn and us will make you feel better? Don't you think that will hurt much more than simply not being able to share certain things? Now you won't be able to share_ anything _with her._

Santana watched Rachel tremble, not sure if it was because of the cold or because of the whole situation or both.

She grabbed the brunette's arm again and pulled her towards her car.

Inside, they were at least out of the biting wind.

Rachel had not said anything, but let herself be dragged towards the car. When Santana opened the passenger door for her, Rachel slid inside after a moment of hesitation.

Santana got in on the other side and looked at her friend, never letting her gaze waver.

Then, she grabbed a pen and paper.

_Rachel, I told you before that I think it is important for you to have friends who are also deaf. But shutting the rest of your friends out just because we can hear and still enjoy singing and music will not make you happier.  
It is hard and it might always be hard, but you cannot exist without either one. You need both to be complete and happy. I'm not saying that this would be true for others in your situation, but you, Rachel, you need both! If you want to fulfill your dream of acting again, you need to be able function in a hearing world. So it won't help shutting yourself out._

"You finished?" The ice cold tone almost sliced the air between the two women.

God, why did Santana always know what was going on in Rachel's head? It was creepy how Santana always touched the sore spots, could bring her feelings out and openly voice them, even before Rachel knew them herself.

Santana shook her head.

_No. I'll never be finished. Not with you, Berry,_ she signed before she continued writing.

_I won't let you waste everything you have accomplished. It's ok to miss things; it's ok to feel sad because you could not join in with your friends today. And I get that it must fucking suck to know that it will never change. But it's not ok to throw everything away just because of some twisted logic of yours.  
And it's not ok to disregard everything that Quinn had tried to do in order to convince you that she loves you. _

"Right, so this is about Quinn. I get it, Santana; you're _her_ friend after all." She turned and wanted to open the door when she felt the hard grip on her arm again which caused another bout of anger flare up. "Oh, and that twisted logic as you so well put it is just coming from the fact THAT I CAN'T HEAR, SANTANA! AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL."

She screamed the last words and wanted nothing more than to storm out of the car. But the hands on her arm did not loosen their grip. Rachel was sure she would have bruises the next day, despite the thick coat she was wearing. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"So how can you question my motives when my girlfriend's entire life work is based on singing and music, which is something that I will never be able to experience again? This is even harder than not being able to perform myself."

"God Rachel, get it into your damned thick head!" Santana exclaimed when Rachel turned her head towards the window again.

Then the Latina tried to explain herself by signing again to show Rachel how concerned she really was. She waited until Rachel finally turned back towards her and the Latina had the feeling that she would not bolt out of the door as soon as she let go of her arms.

_I care about you both! Why do you think I ran after you and did not try to find Quinn first?_

_Rachel, just because I tell you things that might hurt or don't sound nice and pitiful does not mean I don't care. I really love you as a friend. And I want you to be happy. And yes, I also wish I could make you hear again so you would not have to go through this fucking ordeal!  
I can't. But I can help you get through this and find the truth in you and help you face this whole fucking world. _

"I hate you." Rachel managed to squeeze through her clenched teeth while the tears welled up again. "I really hate you, Santana Lopez."

_Good, at least I caused some emotion. I hate being ignored._

"I mean it, Santana. Why can't you just let people live in their own worlds of pain, lies or happiness? Why can't you let people believe what they want to believe? Why do you always have to challenge them, force them to rethink their actions and feelings, pulling them out of their little worlds of comfort they create for themselves?"

Santana wanted to shake her friend and shout l into her face. Didn't she get it? Yes, it was frustrating not being able to talk freely with Rachel, but Santana was the last person to get off track by something like an inconvenience. Having exhausted pretty much her entire vocabulary, she opted for the pen and paper again.

_Rachel, I don't do this for everyone. I do this for the people I deeply care about. Because I don't want them to waste their lives and their precious time because of some bullshit lies they tell themselves. I know you, Rachel. You are such a strong person, and being your friend, you should expect the best of me, because I also expect the best of my friends._

Santana watched Rachel while she read her words.

_And currently you are not doing your best Rachel. You want to run away and hide. For the moment, it might be easier, but in the long run, it will not help you. I expect you to stand up and deal with the whole issue like the true Rachel Berry would. Heads on._

Rachel gaped at Santana at a loss for words. Then she turned and stared out of the window again. She was quiet for a long moment.

Expect the best of her? The best of her what? She wasn't best in anything anymore, least of all being herself. So what did Santana want from her?

She truly hated Santana for not letting her slide through this the way she wanted. She hated Santana for always making her face her inner demons, the ones she wanted to hide and ignore.

But as the saying went - love and hate lie close together; she also loved her friend for not giving up on her, for _indeed_ expecting the best of her under all circumstances. But she would rather bite her tongue than tell Santana _that_ right now.

"I repeat myself here, Santana, I meant what I said about hating your guts."

Santana was relieved when she saw the look in the brown eyes soften for the slightest bit.

"I get what you want from me. I'm not sure I can do this. I need time to think. Despite everything you just said, I also meant what _I_ said. I need time. So please give me that. "

She looked into Santana's eyes and held the other woman's gaze for a moment until the Latina nodded.

_Fair enough. That's all I'm asking._

They looked at each other for a moment longer, before Santana revved up the car.

"Home?" She asked with a raised eyebrow and Rachel nodded barely visibly.

She drove Rachel to her dads' house and dropped her off in front of her driveway.

_Text me Rachel, if you want to talk. No matter when or where. Promise me you'll call._

Rachel raised her right eyebrow. "Call?"

Santana slapped her lightly on the arm. _You know what I mean. Besides, blind people use the word 'see' all the time. Why shouldn't you use the word hear and everything that comes with it, figuratively speaking._

"Gee, I get it Santana." She rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll _call_ if I need anything."

_Good._

She watched as the petite woman climbed out of the car and slowly make her way towards the front door.

Santana sighed. She wanted both of her friends to be happy. She wanted their relationship to work so much. Both of them deserved the happiness.

The Latina would have never believed that the miracle for Quinn and Rachel to find and openly love each other would happen. But she had seen how deep and genuine their love was. And she would be damned if she did not do everything in her power to get them back on course.

She quickly texted Quinn that she had found Rachel and had dropped her off at home.

Now, next stop: Quinn Fabray. At least Santana knew where to find her. Though she wasn't sure about the state she would find her friend in. She just hoped that she would catch her at her home and that Quinn was not already on her way to the Berry's.

* * *

**I'm sorry if this might not bring you the consolation you'd hoped for. Rachel just needs some time to sort this out** **and experience that true love can not be kept locked away. But the pain about her loss sits very deep and she needs to process this as well After all that happened during the past months.**

**So... Please bear with me! I'll try to update as soon as possible, though the chapter will not be beta read yet and updated later...(you know how it works by now :-) )**

**The comment to Guest1 was NOT referring to the story. Guess I had to clarify that seeing some of the reviews...**

**Thanks to Diannasbacon (Nicole) for the beta-reading!**


	48. Chapter 48

**I don't own Glee.**

**I'm sorry about the confusion regarding my remark to one guest comment.  
And I applogize for the many hearts I seem to have broken with the directon my story is currently taking. **

**Life sometimes sucks and that is what Quinn and Rachel have to face just now.**

**But, if you manage to get through the problems and struggles, you will come out stronger and wiser in the end. And this is not the end. Not yet. :-)**

**Thank you, Nicole, for beta-reading!**

* * *

Santana sent a text to Quinn as she was on her way to her friend's house.

_Quinn, I'm coming over. Stay where you are._   
_Need 2 talk._   
_S._

Quinn did not send a reply and Santana did not expect one. She just hoped that her friend was still where she expected her to be.

When she knocked on the Fabray's front door a couple of minutes later, Quinn opened it herself. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked pale.

"You found her? How is she? Where is she? She didn't answer any of my texts. I'm so worried!"

Santana placed her hands on Quinn's shoulders and gently pushed her back so she could enter.

"Calm down Q, ok? And let me in, because I'm freezing my ass off out here."

Quinn stepped aside so her friend could enter. Then she positioned herself behind the door after closing it, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Santana tossed her jacket on a nearby chair and looked at her friend.

"Quinn," she started and Quinn's tears spill again at the look in the Latina's eyes. Santana came over and gently rubbed her hands over the blonde's upper arms.

"Shhhhh, come here, let's sit down," She guided the other woman to the sofa. Not quite sure how to begin, Santana decided to start with the facts.

"I found Rachel wandering around the other end of town. I don't think she knew where she was going, guess she was just aimlessly wandering around. And she was freezing like hell so I forced her to sit in my car."

"What'd she say?" Quinn's voice hardly raised above a whisper.

"Well, _she_ didn't say much, but _I_ gave her a piece of my mind." Santana raised a hand to still Quinn's comment at her last words. "Don't get mad. I was nice. I can be a bitch but I know when to tone it down, ok? Basically I just told her to be the Rachel Berry I know, the one that does not run and hide, but the one that takes on the world with all she's got, with the help of all her friends. You know me, Quinn. I don't let people I care about hide behind their excuses!"

She held up a hand again when she saw Quinn wanting to protest.

"I know that Rachel had a lot to go through, still, I think she needs to find a way to live in both worlds. Yes, I think she needs to experience having deaf friends and people who can absolutely relate to her situation. But I also told her that she shouldn't cut all ties to her hearing world, because inevitably she will always be confronted with it for the rest of her life, but we can all help her face it."

"And? What ... ?" Quinn lifted her hands in a quizzical manner.

"I think she got what I wanted to tell her." Santana paused a second before continuing. "She basically told me what she had already told Kurt. She said she needed some time to figure things out. I guess… he filled you in about their conversation as well."

Quinn closed her eyes and barely nodded at that, tears spilling over her cheeks. She remembered every word of that discussion.

"I don't understand what is going on, Santana! One minute we were fine and the next she is running away from me without even bothering to let me know... not answering my texts, not talking to me…what do I do now?"

Quinn looked at her friend, a desperate expression on her face. She had never felt so lost and so helpless. She always knew what to do, but right now, she was afraid that whatever action she took would only make everything worse.

"Quinn, you'll get through this, we'll manage, okay?"

The Latina was not sure how, but she would do everything to help both her friends to find their way through this.

"I can partly understand how Rachel feels and how hard this whole thing must be for her, but I also told her that shutting herself off from the world – and with that I also meant you - will not help her in any way."

Quinn looked up at her friend with teary eyes, a hopeful glimmer shining in them.

"I got her to at least re-think the whole situation." And hopefully Rachel would take the right decision, Santana thought without saying it out loud.

"What does that mean? Does she not want to talk to me at all?"

Santana was quiet for a moment. "Quinn, have you ever talked to Rachel about Lauren and Cara?" She then gently asked, ignoring her friend's question.

"No," Quinn breathed with a small shake of her head. "I wanted to, but there was no time. We were rushing back and forth the over the past days and somehow there never seemed to be the right moment." Then she remembered. "I noticed that she had been texting someone a lot and when I asked her about it, she said she was communicating with Lauren. But we didn't discuss it any further; it just wasn't the right ... we had just made love and I almost started a fight over this so..."

"Quinn, I understand that Rachel meeting new friends – deaf friends – might seem scary. But I think you two definitely need to talk about this. Having people in her life that can absolutely relate to what she is going through is important for her. And no matter how much we try to understand, there will always be a part of us that never will, just because we are not deaf. "

"I know, I know that! It's just, I …. I guess I was scared that she would turn away from me, seeing how people who share her experience could understand her so much better and then… then I acted so ignorant and carelessly in that fucking choir room…. I guess that just gave her proof that there would always be something that would separate us or stand between us."

Santana placed a hand on Quinn's knee. "Quinn, no one expects you to be perfect. And Rachel knows what you did for her over the past months, but you two need to talk about this."

Quinn stood up. "Yes. Yes, we do."

Santana got up as well and hugged her friend.

"Want me to drive you over?"

Quinn shook her head. "No, I'm... I'm good."

Santana threw a concerned look at her friend. "Call me if you need anything, ok?"

Quinn nodded. "Thanks."

They both walked out of the door and Quinn gave her friend a short wave before she climbed into the Mini.

Santana waved back and watched her friend disappear down the road before she started her own car. She knew how desperate Rachel and Quinn felt right now.

The hardest thing was to love someone as deeply as they loved each other and still think that the obstacles between them were too big to overcome. To carry that love around with you and being unable to live, it was something that Santana was very familiar with.

She was glad that Brittany had not shown up today. The pain had lessened over the years, but the feeling still lingered.

… … …

When Quinn arrived at the Berry residence, she felt her heart thump in her chest as if she had run all the way here.

Would Rachel talk to her? She still had not answered any of her texts.

While sitting in the car trying to collect her courage, Quinn remembered that they were due at her mom's house for dinner in three hours.

"Oh no," she groaned. She was in no mood to take care of that situation now. But she knew she would at least have to cancel it and let Judy know what was going on.

So she quickly typed a text message, knowing full well that as soon as she stepped over the threshold of the Berry house, she would not be able to focus on anything else but Rachel.

_Mom_ _, I'm truly sorry, but we have to cancel_   
_dinner tonight. Rachel and I need to clarify some things._   
_I'll fill you in later, but please understand. Tell Fran that_   
_I'm really sorry and that I will make up for it. Sorry for_   
_the impersonal message, but I need to go now._   
_Quinn_

She knew that it would be less than satisfactory for her mom, but that was all she could do in her current state. She would worry about her mother and the dinner at Shelby' house later.

First, she needed to fix her relationship.

Her phone buzzed with the answer from her mom.

_Quinn, I'm really worried now. Are you two ok?_   
_Please let me know what is happening as soon as possible._   
_Hope you two will be fine._   
_Love you._

Despite not being on best terms with her mother, the short concerned message felt like a small hug.

Tugging her phone away, Quinn stepped out of the car and made her way down the driveway, praying that Rachel would let her talk to her. She still struggled to understand how her whole world had turned upside down, leaving her so devastated, confused and insecure within only a few hours.

Taking a couple of deep breaths, she raised her hand and rang the bell.

Hiram opened the door with a worried look on his face.

"Quinn! Come in." He stepped back and the blonde slowly walked inside.

"I'm glad you are here. When Rachel came back, she looked absolutely distraught and went straight up to her room. She's been crying, but she wouldn't say why. What happened?"

"She didn't tell you anything?" Quinn asked surprised.

Hiram shook his head.

"No. What is going on?"

To her horror Quinn found that the tears started to fall again. She never cried in front of other people. At least, not the ones she did not know well. It just showed her how hurt and confused she really was by this whole situation.

She shrugged. "I wish I knew." Angrily, she wiped the tears away. "Is Rachel here?"

Hiram nodded, the frown on his face deepening. "She's upstairs in her room."

"Excuse me. I need… I have to talk to her."

"Sure, go ahead." Hiram shortly placed a hand on Quinn's small of her back when she turned towards the stairs.

It was only a small gesture, but it felt good. It didn't seem that Hiram was angry with her or blamed her for his daughter's distraught state. Not yet, at least.

Standing in front of Rachel's door, Quinn activated the light that would alert Rachel of her presence outside her room.

It took a moment before Quinn heard some movement on the other side of the door.

"Dad, I said I didn't want to…" Rachel stopped mid-sentence when she saw who was standing in front of her. "Quinn."

_Can I come in?_

Rachel did not react at first. It seemed as if she was debating whether to grant Quinn her wish or to send her away. To the blonde's relief, Rachel then made room for her to enter, hardly looking her in the eye.

Quinn stepped inside and looked at her girlfriend. Her brown eyes were red and puffy from crying.

Rachel could hardly stand the pain she saw in Quinn's eyes. It broke her heart to see Quinn suffer so much because of her. But she knew that it was inevitable. If Quinn ever wanted to be happy and free, she had to understand that she was better off without her. And Rachel needed the time away from everything that reminded her of her past, as hard as it seemed.

Rachel slowly closed the door. She noticed how Quinn eyed the half packed bags on her bed.

_You're leaving?_

"Yes."

_When?_

"Tomorrow."

_And you would have left without talking to me if I had not come down here?_

Quinn was hurt beyond belief and did not even fight the tears anymore. She was confused and could not help but wonder how something that was so wonderful in one moment could turn into something so hurtful in the next.

Rachel looked to the floor. "No. I …. I would have left you a note."

"A note?!" Quinn exclaimed, belatedly remembering to sign along.

"Quinn, don't you get it? Don't you see that this is not working? And the longer we drag this out the harder it gets!"

"Drag what out? You haven't even bothered to tell me what is going on! The last thing I know is that you stormed out of the choir room and now I see you here packing, just telling me you don't want to drag "things" out. What, Rachel? TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

Quinn screamed the last words with pain and rage, her hands moving in parallel with such force that she could almost hear them swish through the air.

How could Rachel treat her like an inconvenience? How dare she treat her with such disrespect?

Rachel was taken aback at the forcefulness that came across through Quinn's signs and body language. Somehow, some naïve part of her had thought Quinn would be relieved at her decision to end this relationship.

Right. That was just wishful thinking.

Quinn was right at one point. Rachel had not even bothered to tell her personally that she needed some time to herself. Somehow, in this whole mess, she had not talked to the most important person involved.

Maybe because deep in her heart she knew that Quinn would never give her up that easily and that she would fight to her last breath to convince her to do the opposite.

Rachel could not allow that because she knew that she would crumble at one point. She would throw her doubts and resolutions over board just to feel Quinn's arms around her again, to sink into the embrace that made her whole, mended her heart and gave her back her life. She needed to stay strong against her own feelings.

"Quinn, please understand… I … I just need … I need some time for myself."

Before Rachel could say anything further, she watched Quinn raise her hands.

_Time for yourself or for your deaf friends?_ Quinn asked and waved at the phone that was laying on the night stand.

_What, now that you have found some deaf friends then we are not good enough anymore?_ I _am not good enough anymore?_

Rachel recoiled at the words. "That was low, Quinn."

Quinn knew that it was mean to say that, but she couldn't help herself. All the reasonable and unreasonable fears came rushing back.

Rachel took a deep breath. "You just don't understand."

Quinn was beyond hurt and even though she instantly hated herself for saying all these upsetting words, she could not stop herself.

_What? Do I have to become deaf as well in order to understand you?_

Rachel threw her hands in the air. "No! And that is exactly the point! I don't want you to miss out on anything because of me! But it is a relief to talk to someone who is in the exact same situation like me; who understands me completely and who doesn't have to bend over to talk to me! We speak the same language and I don't simply mean ASL, but the whole background that comes with it. For once, I don't have to feel like a burden because it takes the other person so much effort to communicate with me."

_What does that mean for us now? Don't you want any hearing people in your life anymore or what? Don't you want me in your life anymore? Because I can hear?_

"No! That's not what I'm saying!"

_Then what are you saying, Rachel? Tell me, because I'm at a loss here. I just feel so… used. I was good enough to help you over the first months; my love was good enough to give you back some self-worth and now you think that I'm some kind of toy you can toss aside? Because you found someone who better suits your needs?_

Rachel opened her mouth, but no words came out. This was the last of what she wanted Quinn to feel. How could she make her understand what this was really about? She tried to swallow her own anger that rose at the hurtful words Quinn threw at her. She knew that if they kept on screaming at each other, they would never make each other understood.

Rachel let out a long breath and sat on the bed, pushing her bags to the side.

"Quinn, this isn't about how I now feel oh so happy to be integrated into the deaf community, thank you very much! I just met two other people who are deaf, nothing more. But _this_ has become a part of me. _This_ –" and she waved her hand towards her ear "- will not change. It is and will always be exhausting and tiring to be around people who can hear. It's just in the nature of things. I know that none of you will deliberately try to shut me out or would want me to miss out on things. But to try to stay in the loop of what is going on around me will always mean work. I can never relax. I have to always try to figure things out. The few moments I had with Lauren and Cara were the first time in nine months that I didn't have to wonder and worry I might miss something. Can't you understand that?"

Rachel's brown eyes searched Quinn's in the hope of glimpsing some understanding in them. But the blonde had shut herself off. For the first time in all the past months, she was not able to read Quinn.

It scared and hurt Rachel more than she thought was possible.

"Quinn, it's just the same for you. You always have to keep guessing how I feel in every situation. You can never relax because you are always afraid that you are cutting me off. It must be as tiring for you as it is for me. And I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy, to enjoy your life, your friends, and your work! I don't want you to waste all your time worrying about me, Quinn! I love you too much to limit you the way I have done these past months."

Quinn was at a loss for words. She gasped for air and tried to find the right words. She just could not believe that after all this time and all the things they had been through Rachel would still think that.

_Rachel, YOU have not restricted me. YOU have not been an obstacle in my life. I have a free will and it was MY will to decide to find you and to stay with you. It was MY free will to learn sign language and to confess my love to you. We both knew that we would encounter some problems along the way, but as long as we addressed them and talked about them, we would get through this. So what happened now that you would make a decision for both of us all of a sudden without ever talking to me?_

Quinn took a deep breath and warded off any comments that Rachel wanted to make.

_I'm not finished! I can understand your feeling of belonging when you met your new friends. But I also felt jealous, because they are able to enter your world in a way that I never can. And yes, that makes me afraid. I am afraid to lose you, because I can hear._

Tears spilled again across her cheeks as Quinn tried to stifle her sobs.

The look on Rachel's face cut through every fiber of her being. It told her that she was right. So she desperately prodded on, her hands almost moving on their own in her desperate fight for their relationship, for Rachel's understanding, for her love.

_Rachel, there will always be situations where we both feel we are missing out on something. That is normal in every relationship. Being together and living together always means that you have to compromise in some ways. We will work it out. It will not help if we both hide and pretend nothing is wrong. You asked me once to be open and honest and to talk about my feelings. Please grant me the same thing before you run off thinking of breaking up._

Rachel did not know what to say. She wanted to give in and fall into Quinn's arms so much. Her heart told her that Quinn was right. But her stupid, traitorous mind could not let it go. It had to hold on to her reason and to her argument.

Rachel took a deep breath.

"You know, I'm ok with the communication thing, the interpreting, the texting, the paper and the pencil even. Sometimes, I even almost forget that I can't hear when I'm with you, because we don't hold back, no matter how tedious the whole signing thing was in the beginning; it still is, sometimes. It gives me such a sense of normality that I can focus on the content of our conversations and not on how it's being delivered."

It was true.

There had been short moments during the past weeks when signing and talking had become so natural that sometimes, just for a few seconds she did forget that she could not actually hear the words that where delivered through her girlfriend's hands. Quinn made it all seem so natural and never held back, not with jokes, love confessions or comments that it did give Rachel a sense of normalcy she had always craved for since waking up in the hospital.

"However, that only happens when we are alone. As soon as others are around, I see how you change. You are never as relaxed as when we are alone. You get all tense and then I see it in your face when you start calculating how to do or say things in order to let me understand as well."

Even though that was a part that she – or they - might somehow arrange themselves with, it did not make up for the rest.

She paused for a moment, before she went on.

"When it comes to music, I will never get used to that. I don't only miss singing like hell; it's also just _listening_ to music. To distract myself with, to lose myself in, to cheer myself up, to get into a certain mood… and as much as I try, being with you, with your profession, just opens that wound over and over again."

Seeing Quinn flinch at those words as if she had slapped her made Rachel rush to explain further.

"Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you or hate what you're doing. I'm truly happy and proud of you for all that you have achieved! But not being able to share it with you, always knowing I will be watching from the sidelines is just too painful!"

Rachel paused for a second to collect her thoughts. She was glad that Quinn did not say anything at that moment.

"You know, I tried to adapt, to learn new things. I learned to function without my hearing and to a certain degree that works, especially with people who know ASL. I relearned to do a lot of things, and I'm proud and grateful for you and my other friends who have helped me along. But at a certain point I realized... this is it. It does not get any better. This is… how it will always be. All the new techniques I have learned make up for some of the loss, but not for everything."

Now Rachel was crying too, because the next words were just the hardest she ever had to say to someone. She knew it would break Quinn's heart, as much as it broke her own. But there was just no way around it.

"There is ASL as a substitute for communicating, but there is no substitute for music. I thought I could manage, but I think I need to take myself out of the range of anything that has to do with music for a while. I…. I don't know if you can understand that it's breaking me apart to say this because you and music are one and I love you so much, but I … can't… I can't be with you. When I see you, I want to hear your silky voice, your laughter; I want to hear you sing. I want to sing with you... You _are_ music for me."

Quinn could not hold back her sobs at hearing Rachel's words. Part of her could understand how she felt, but her heart could not grasp what she was hearing.

_Rachel, I told you once to not define yourself by your deafness. So please don't define me just by my profession!_

It was difficult for Rachel to see the signs through her tears.

"But Quinn, how do you think this relationship would work if I only let you live half your life in front of me? I can't try to constantly ignore the other part, knowing in the back of my mind that it is there and that it is so important to you. I can't hold you back; I wouldn't want that for you! I love you too much to let you live half a life with me! I want you to be able to sing in shower, to talk about your work, to have your girlfriend with you during concerts and shows and actually have her _appreciate_ your voice and your work! I will never be able to do that! Never completely."

They both looked at each other for a long moment through their tears until Quinn finally managed to form an answer.

_If this means that I'll lose you, I'd rather give up everything I have achieved. I mean it Rachel. You are more important to me than anything in this world._

Rachel smiled sadly.

"Quinn, you know in your heart that you can't and shouldn't do that. You have fought so hard to find your calling, your passion. Who am I to take that away from you?"

"I… I…" the blonde was at a loss for words.

So this was it? This was fucking IT?

After nine years, after all the tragedy, the emotional ups and downs, their growing acceptance and adaption to Rachel's disability, they would break up? Just like that, after being together for hardly four months?

Jesus, just four months. It felt like four years.

As much as Quinn felt her heart being ripped apart, she could understand Rachel's point. And she knew that Rachel was right about one thing. Quinn would not be able to ignore that part of herself that had kept her going all through high school and the years after. Music was as much part of her life as it was in Rachel's. And as much as music was not part of Rachel's life anymore.

What would that mean now? They had to break up just because of her profession? Did that mean if she had a god damn different job, everything would be ok?

How could she ever get back on stage, knowing what made her happy was also the cause of the biggest tragedy in her life just now?

Lost in her thoughts, she had not noticed how Rachel had gotten up from her bed. Not looking at the blonde, she barely managed to whisper:

"I think it is better if we don't see each other for a while."

Hearing those words let Quinn's heart feel so hollow, as if the fire that had kept her going were doused with those words. Instinctively, she felt that nothing would make Rachel change her mind.

She stood up automatically, gathered her purse and brushed by the petite brunette. Almost at the door, she turned around, flung herself at Rachel and both women cried and hugged each other in a long moment of good-bye.

Then Quinn pulled back abruptly and ran out of the room, down the stairs, barely glancing at Hiram and Leroy. She heard herself groan in pain as the tears kept streaming over her face while she blindly reached for the knob of the front door and yanked it open.

Halfway down the driveway, she felt someone grab her arm. Quinn tried do shake it off, but the grip was firm. Turning around, she saw Hiram looking at her with such an understanding, loving but also heartbroken way that no words were necessary.

He wrapped her in a tight embrace and all Quinn could do was cry into his shoulder, desperately clinging to his sweater as she tried to keep her whole body from falling in a heap to the ground.

Leroy found his daughter standing in her room, one hand pressed against her stomach and one against her lips, trying to swallow the sobs that kept coming. He slowly walked in until she saw him. Then he cupped her face and gently pulled her into an embrace.

Both men and women stood like that for a long time, all feeling the loss and the pain that could not be described by words.

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**Mmmm... don't give up hope, ok?**


	49. Chapter 49

 

**I don't own Glee or its original characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 49**

After Quinn left, Hiram and Leroy carefully coaxed out of their daughter what had caused the meltdown they had witnessed. Seeing their daughter so down and depressed after what had seemed such a happy time for her, was hard to bear. They felt so helpless at being unable to ease the pain in their daughter's heart. Even though it was not their fault, Hiram and Leroy felt like they had failed her again.

They could understand Rachel's explanations to a certain degree, but they also knew that hiding away from everything would not make Rachel's life easier. But there was nothing they could do or say to convince her of the opposite. So all they could to was to hold her and offer her their support.

When Leroy saw the bags lying on her bed, he was as surprised as Quinn had been. Rachel told him that she wanted take the train to New York the next morning. Leroy suggested to his daughter that he and Hiram could drive back with her to New York for a few days.

Rachel appreciated the idea and her dads' willingness to help her through this, but declined. Also their suggestion for her to stay a bit longer in Lima did not fall on fruitful grounds.

It just did not make sense to stay. In New York she could at least go out of everybody's way. She could try to … to do what?

Rachel realized she had no idea what she was going to do. Even though New York was her home, she had nothing to go back to. No job, no occupation whatsoever. Actually, it just did not matter where she went. There was nothing that held her anywhere.

Nothing and no one.

She had dared to fly, to take chances, fully knowing that if she fell, she would fall hard. Though, at that time she had not thought the fall would come so quickly. And that it would hurt so much. Worst of all was that she herself was responsible for causing her own pain, and for Quinn. _She_ had pushed Quinn away. It had been her own choice, for whatever right or wrong reasons. Her stupid heart needed to understand that. It needed to understand in order to stop _hurting_ so fucking much!

This was best for all.

She pushed the bags aside and slumped on her bed when her phone buzzed. She looked at the display and when she saw the name, she wished she had turned it off completely.

The message was from Quinn.

... ... ...

After leaving Rachel's house, Quinn had taken the car to her parent's house. When she got out, she knew she could not face anyone. So she started walking.

She had no idea how long she had been wandering around, when the thought struck her that she and Rachel would not be going back to New York together, not the way things were right now. And she had no intention to drive all the way back home alone. Neither would Rachel want to go by car all by herself, she assumed.

While Quinn was pulling out her phone, she wondered where this rational thinking had come from. There she was, heartbroken beyond means and all she could think of was the stupid car?

Then she remembered that this also happened when her parents had kicked her out of the house and after she had had the accident. When the first shock had ebbed away and had made room for the dull and aching pain in her chest, she started organizing. Somehow this seemed to give her back some sort of control, even though rationally there was nothing to do to mend the immediate situation.

The same process seemed to happen now. As she realized that there was nothing she could currently do to make Rachel change her mind, she started planning, beginning with the most obvious thing. How to get back.

Finally she pulled out her phone and fiddled with it in her hand. She had no idea what to write, much less how to address Rachel.

After what seemed like endless moments and a hundred drafted texts that were all erased again, she settled for the pure facts. Anything else just brought the tears back into her eyes and made it hard to see.

After reading the message again, Quinn thought long and hard if she should really sent it. It sounded so... cold. As if Rachel and she were nothing but some distant acquaintances. It sounded so wrong in her mind, but before she could decide otherwise, she pressed 'send'.

Then, with an afterthought she quickly typed another sentence and sent it off.

... ... ...

_Rachel, I'll be taking the train back to NYC._  
I'm going to _return_ _the Mini t_ _o_ _the_  
car rental station here in Lima.  
I assume you don't want to drive the car  
 _back by yourself._

Rachel stared at the message long and hard. It sounded so … distant. No _hello_ , no _hi_ , no signature, no _I love you_ or _I miss you_. Not that she would have expected it, but it all felt so wrong.

And the pain in her chest intensified.

Not having the strength to text back much without breaking down and begging for forgiveness, she just sent two words.

_Ok. Thanks._

Before she could turn the phone off, another message arrived.

_Please take care of yourself._

This made Rachel tear up again. It was a simple sentence, still she knew that there was so much more meaning behind it.

She did not know what to answer. Rachel just did not want to write back a phrase that sounded empty, even though she might mean it differently. The right words just would not come to her.

Just when she wanted to turn her phone off, it buzzed again.

This time it was from Puck.

_Hey princess! Just wanted to remind you_   
_of your promise… when can we talk?_   
_Puck_

Rachel sighed. That was the last thing she wanted to do, talk to Puck. Not because it was Puck, she knew she definitely owned him an explanation, but she just did not feel like talking to anyone at all.

_Puck, now is not a good time._  
I need some time alone. Let's catch up in  
New York, ok?  
Rachel

She knew her friend he would not be satisfied with this answer and just as she had guessed, another message came right back.

_I heard from Kurt that…_ _you're not ok._  
 _I'm sorry about the afternoon and that we were all so_  
 _inconsiderate. Guess we all have to get used to this and_  
 _learn a great deal. I'm due back in NY tomorrow_  
 _evening. Just in case… I can give you a lift, I came by car._  
 _Had some business to take care of on the way here._  
 _Let me know if you wanna come, ok?_

Rachel toyed with her phone in her hand. The offer was tempting. And if Quinn was taking the train, the option was out of the question for Rachel. Besides, having a breakdown in the closed confines of a car was better than in a fully packed train with people staring at her as if she were crazy.

She typed her answer.

_I think I'd like to take you up on the offer._   
_Though communicating with me while either one_   
_of us is driving is not that easy…_

She was not sure if Puck had considered that. Rachel still had her phone with the voice recognition software, but that did not allow for a fully "normal" conversation. And Puck had not had any contact with her at all before, so she was unsure of how well he would adapt to her needs of communication.

_I know._ _I just f_ _igured you could use some moral_  
 _support. … And since you were always the one who_  
 _liked to talk more, I think we'll be fine :-)_

Despite her depressive mood Rachel had to smile at the small verbal punch.

If any other person would have said that, she would have taken it very personally and would not even have bothered to answer, even though the statement was kind of true. At least… before she became deaf. But she knew what Puck was trying to do, so she wasn't really angry with him.

_Gee, thanks Puck. Aren't you the one to cheer me up._

His answer came back promptly.

_I'll do my very best!_   
_Don't worry, we'll figure something out._   
_Pick you up at nine tomorrow morning, ok?_

That was fine by her. The sooner the better.

_Ok. And … thanks.  
Rachel_

She placed her phone on the nightstand and wondered what Kurt had told everybody. Maybe he only told Santana and Puck about their conversation, because they were close friends, but she was still wondering who knew what.

What would Puck think now that she chose to come with him by herself, even though he had just learned that she and Quinn were – had been, she corrected herself – a couple? That thought alone brought the tears back into her eyes. Well, Puck had probably figured out what happened.

Through the haze she saw the light flicker above her door. Probably one of her dads asking her if she wanted something for dinner. Rachel did not think she could ever eat anything again. Her stomach felt like a tight ball.

"Dad, I'm not hungry." She moved to open the door. "Really, I don't…" Then she saw who stood outside the door.

"Kurt. What are you doing here?"

_Wanted to see how you were._ _And ask what exactly is going on between you and Quinn._

Rachel just shrugged. "Kurt, I'm really not in the mood for much talk right now. I appreciate you coming here to check on me, but … I need some time alone."

She walked back to her bed and sat down cross-legged fiddling with the zipper of one of her bags.

Kurt waved to get Rachel's attention. Finally she looked at him with weary eyes.

_Rachel, I can only guess how you must fee_ _l_ _and I understand that you need some time to sort it all out. But I_ _want_ _to ask you something._

Rachel just raised her eyebrow questioningly.

Kurt sat down on Rachel's bed opposite from her, a hand on his friend's knee. Before he asked her what was on his mind, he shortly soaked in his surroundings, remembering how he, Rachel and Mercedes had held their "girls" night in this room, watched movies, talked about fashion and their future.

Sometimes he really missed the good old times. Life seemed so easy and most problems so small in retrospect.

Rachel tapped him on his hand. Kurt focused back on her, lifting his hands.

_Are you sure you of your decision? You really want to break up with Quinn?_ _You haven't said it in so many words, but that is kind of the vibe I'm getting._

Hearing someone phrase it so directly, hit Rachel unexpectedly hard. She fished a crumpled tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose.

"I… I don't _want_ to break up. I love Quinn so much, but I know that it is the right thing to do. She _needs_ to be free. I don't want to hold her back, but this is what happened in the past and what will always happen just as well in the future."

_How do you hold her back? All I see is a Quinn that was happier than she has ever been!_

Rachel ignored his comment "At the restaurant I freaked out, at the concert I couldn't go celebrate with her, here in Lima I couldn't enjoy our reunion with her … I will never be able to get to know her new projects and... and... And Quinn will _always_ feel torn between wanting to help me and wanting to enjoy herself."

_Who says she can't do both? I'm sure it will get easier for her in time as well._

"Kurt, this is Quinn! She will never let lose if there is only one slight doubt that I might feel uncomfortable. And it doesn't matter how long or how often we will be in this together. She will always have that strive for perfection always wanting to do the right thing and one day it will completely wear her out!"

Kurt was silent for a moment. That was more or less what Quinn had told him herself. Not that it would wear her out, but that she sometimes had a hard time to really relax if she was in a larger group with Rachel, out of fear Rachel would miss out too much.

Also remembering Rachel's earlier words, he was sure that Rachel's reaction was not only triggered by Quinn's behavior.

_Rachel,_ _I know that_ _this is_ _n't_ _only about Quinn_ _._

The brunette was silent. After a moment Kurt continued.

_This sounds like you are only doing this for Quinn. You told me before that there was also another reason behind it. So, how much are you doing it for yourself? Be honest with yourself._ _I know_ _you_ _are_ _still having a hard time adjusting to it all,_ _despite all of what you have already achieved._ _I have the feeling you are trying to protect yourself as much as Quinn with this break up. Though I'm not sure you're doing either of you any good with it._ _You can't hide from the hearing world completely, Rachel._

Rachel opened her mouth and then closed it again.

Having met Lauren and Cara showed Rachel that it could feel so good to live in her own world for a while, not having to adjust.

"I wish I could." She whispered. "I'm just so confused, and I feel so lost at the moment. I don't know where I stand anymore, where I belong." She raised her head and looked at Kurt with big, brown eyes. Kurt felt his heart go out to his friend seeing her so forlorn, not being able to do anything to ease her pain.

"Kurt, can we like not talk about his right now? I honestly don't know what to say. I… I have to find out what I really need."

Kurt looked at Rachel for a long moment.

_Fine_. He wanted to say more, but let his hands rest on his thighs.

Rachel untangled her legs and kneeled on the bed to rummage around her travel bag. She pulled out a small present and fiddled with the wrapping.

Recognizing the format, Kurt asked: _You haven't given it to her?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It feels… I don't know. Like a vain try to say _hey, look, I can still sing_. And then what? What would she do with this?"

_Don't you ever talk about yourself like that! Can't you imagine that_ _Quinn would be so happy to hear you sing_ _again_ _just this once_ _! This would be one of the most precious gifts she ever received, I'm sure. I know it was one for me hearing you sing Defying Gravity and this song._

Rachel shrugged.

"Well, I don't think she would appreciate it very much now. Do with it what you want, it's of no use to me, obviously. And there is no sense in giving it to her ... after all this." She rubbed her forehead. "You know, I'm really tired. Maybe you better go."

Kurt studied his friend for a moment.

_Don't start shutting people out of your life again, Rachel._ _D_ _on't_ _keep_ _your friends_ _away_ _._

"I just need some time to think, Kurt. I promise I won't shut you out as I did before, ok? Give me some time to sort myself out. That's all I'm asking."

_Fine. But I'll check on you. And no contradiction! I care about you._

Rachel smiled a tired smile. "I know. And fine, check on me, if you must."

Kurt got up and the friends hugged for a moment. Rachel had to fight hard to hold back the tears. It would have been so easy to give in and cry at her friend's shoulder. But she told herself she had to be strong; otherwise she would never get through this.

Through her window she watched Kurt make his way down the driveway.

Feeling her gaze on his back, he turned and raised his hand in a short wave. Then he continued down the sidewalk, fiddling the small package in his coat pocket.

… ... ...

Quinn closed the front door, tiredly leaned against it and closed her eyes. She had been walking for hours in order to try to get rid of the sick feeling in her stomach.

I had not helped.

The cold had done nothing than to increase the numb feeling that had started to envelope her. She replayed the discussion with Rachel in her mind over and over again. Quinn kept wondering if there was anything that she should have said or done differently, if she could have made a difference somehow.

She heard steps approaching and recognized her sister's gait.

"Santa dropped something for you," Fran told her. Quinn slowly opened her eyes

"Santana?"

"No. Santa. You know, the guy with the red and white suite. White beard? Ring a bell? Anyway, there is a little package for you."

Quinn walked to the coffee table looking at the small gift.

"Did ... Rachel bring this here?"

"No. I think it was one of your old class mates. Slender, brown hair, funny way of dressing. Or should I say stylish? He came and asked me to give this to you."

"Kurt, was it Kurt?"

"Yes," Fran nodded slowly, "yes, that was his name. There is also a little note." Fran looked at her sister with a concerned expression. She had called Quinn after she their mom had passed along Quinn's cryptic message about the canceled dinner date. From what she could piece together of what her sister tried to tell her in between sobs, the seemingly happy relationship between Rachel and Quinn had taken a sudden turn for the worse.

Quinn unfolded the paper with shaking hands. Somehow she hoped that it was from Rachel.

 

_Hi Quinn,_  
 _Rachel made this CD for you as a Christmas present some days ago. I don't know why she didn't give it to you_ _, b_ _ut I feel that you need to hear this, especially now._  
 _I wish I could help_ _somehow_ _…_

_You should know that she really loves you. Guess the song says it all.  
_   
_(Let's just hope she won't kill me for having given it to you)._

_Kurt_

Quinn's hands were shaking even more when she opened the case and found the shiny disc inside. Rachel's flourishing handwriting was covering the front.

 

  
_I_  ' _ve loved you before – Melissa Etheridge_  
 _For Quinn_ _!_

  
_Love,_  
 _always,_ _forever and before_  


_Rachel_

Quinn's eyes flooded over while she stared at the writing.

_Oh god, oh god._

Had Rachel really recorded a song for her? _A_ _fter_ she had become deaf?

She hardly noticed how Fran gently took the CD out of her hands and walked over to the stereo.

"Want me to put it on?" She asked quietly.

Quinn only nodded and gripped her own hands tight. She did not know what to expect.

Fran left the room to give her sister some space, leaving her with her eyes closed on the couch.

Quinn heard Rachel take deep breath and then the first notes floated towards her. Timid, small and shy at first, but they became stronger with every moment.

 

  
_When I think of how you know me_   
_no doubts no thinking twice,_   
_when you're smile can be so soothing_   
_a familiar paradise._ __  
  
_When there's no one else_   
_that makes me whole,_   
_I am never needing more._

_I get this feeling_   
_that I have loved you before._

Rachel's voice was soft and full of emotions, and even though it lacked the usual strong notes that were Rachel's trade mark, it worked wonderfully for that song. The melody was relatively low scale with not many high pitches.

The music that accompanied her had apparently been rearranged slightly to suit Rachel's range. Quinn knew the song and loved it from the very first time she had heard it. Now, listening to Rachel's voice bringing these wonderful lyrics to live that so accurately also described her own feelings for the other woman, was almost more that the blonde could bear.

Quinn could not control the reactions of her body, one shower after the other raced down her spine, tears welled up in her eyes and she did not even try to hold them back. She had to hug her waist to try to reign in the pain.

Besides the hurt there was still so much love that flooded through her for that woman with the most beautiful voice.

Quinn had never hoped to hear Rachel sing again. She had not yet dared to listen to some of the old recordings that she had harbored all those years from when they were performing with the Glee club. Neither had she listened to any of Rachel's Broadway performances that were available since she had learned of Rachel's accident.

Quinn knew all of her songs by heart, she didn't know how many times she had listened to them during their time of separation when they were still at college. Quinn knew every single breath, every little note and how Rachel sang of all these songs. The more she had listened to them, the more she had fallen in love with that voice and the woman who it belonged to.

Since she had gotten Rachel back into her life for real, knowing that the former Broadway star could not or would not sing anymore, she had not listened to any of those recordings anymore, silently, just as Rachel had to, saying good-bye to that grand voice.

Hearing her _sing_ now, for her to privately enjoy, knowing what an incredible precious gift this was and what it must have cost Rachel to do this, Quinn could only begin to grasp. That voice filled every crevice in her body, every fiber was flushed with its velvety sound.

She wondered briefly how Rachel had found the courage to try to sing again and was immensely grateful for Kurt to apparently having helped her with this.

Words failed Quinn at that moment and she just looked in awe at Fran, who had been lured back by the beautiful song floating through the air. She wore an equally amazed expression on her face as her sister.

Quinn was surprised again at what control and incredible talent Rachel must truly possess if she could still carry her voice in such a beautiful way. With the almost perfect pitch.

She could not begin to voice how amazed, touched and moved she was.

"Is that really Rachel singing?" Fran pointed at the loud speakers.

She had only heard Rachel once and since she had learned that the talented singer had become deaf, she had not thought of hearing her ever sing again. She was truly and deeply surprised at the grand gesture of the petite woman to do something so difficult.

Quinn only managed to nod, sitting on the edge of the cough, swaying slightly back and forth in order to keep her sobs somehow in check. Her sister sat next to her and put an arm around her shoulder, understanding fully well what hearing this song did to her.

 

  
_Were we lovers in an army_   
_marching all for Rome?_   
_Side by side in battle_   
_did we bravely leave our home._   
_Did I hold you in my arms_   
_as you were taking your last breath?_   
_Did I shout to all the gods_   
_that I would love you beyond death_   
_and more?_

_I swear I've loved you before._

  
_Did we hide in the dark ages_  
 _from a vengeful god above?_  
 _Our names too unfamiliar_  
 _to ever speak of love._  
 _Did I cling to every moment with you_  
 _every parting glance?_  
 _An accidental touch,_  
 _did we ever take the_  
 _chance_ _for more?_

_I know I've loved you before._   
  
_Have I wandered through the desert,_   
_have I looked to the north star,_   
_Have I rode the rails on nights and days_   
_to get back where you are._

  
_And every time I found you_   
_it's your eyes I know for sure._

  
_When I think of how you know me_   
_no doubts no thinking twice,_   
_when you're smile can be so soothing_   
_a familiar paradise._

  
_When there's no one else that makes me whole_   
_I am never wanting more._

_I get this feeling  
_

_I know I've loved you before.  
_

_I know I've loved you before.  
_

_I've loved you before._

It was a beautiful love confession.

One that she wasn't supposed to receive.

... ... ...

Quinn's mom entered the living room. Seeing her daughter crying, she asked concerned: "What happened?"

Quinn stiffened and hastily wiped her tears away. "Nothing."

Judy did not let herself be brushed off. "Was that Rachel singing?"

Fran nodded. "Yes, mom."

"Quinn, why do you look so unhappy?" She walked towards the couch where her two daughters sat.

"Because Rachel broke up with me. There! Are you happy now?" Quinn shouted so loudly that Judy took an involuntary step back.

Quinn almost expected a look of relief and a comment like: "I knew that this was just a phase," but her mother just stood there silently watching her.

Then, to Quinn's surprise she knelt down.

"Quinn, why should I be happy if I see you are hurting?"

"Why? YOU of all people are asking me that? Again, I spoil the perfect Fabray family picture by falling in love with a _woman_! And after being thrown out of the house when I was pregnant, you are really asking me that?"

"Quinn, I was weak and I was so wrong at that time. But I was also hurting for you, for my grandchild and for myself for never having found the courage to stand up to your father. This is something I will never forgive myself for!"

Judy placed a hand on her younger daughter's knee. "Quinn, what happened? Why did you break up?"

Quinn started crying harder and couldn't answer.

Fran gently explained the reason to her mom. "Rachel was in an accident some months ago in which she lost her hearing. That seems to be the main reason for her breaking up with Quinn. Though, I should add that they got together only _after_ Rachel's accident."

"What?" Judy looked from Fran to Quinn.

Quinn couldn't take it anymore and jumped up. "Yeah, guess what, I didn't just date another woman, no, but one that was deaf as well. How's that for the family image, mom?" Quinn's ice cold voice almost sliced the air in the room. With one last look at her mother she turned and dashed out of the room, leaving a dazed Judy and a sorrowful Fran behind.

Storming up the stairs, Quinn felt bad for having shouted at her mother like that. After all, the woman had shown some concern and interest. But Quinn was hurting so much that she couldn't think straight anymore. She just wanted this hole gone that had ripped open inside of her. She wanted the whole pain to go away.

Downstairs, Fran tried to explain the whole situation to their mother.

"Mom, apparently Rachel recorded this song for Quinn as a Christmas present. _After_ she became deaf." Fran stated softly.

"What?" Judy sank down on the sofa. "My god, how could I miss all this?" She looked at her daughter, who shrugged.

"Well, mom, to be honest, after what happened during Quinn's pregnancy, I can't blame her that she doesn't trust you anymore. I thought it was already courageous telling you that she was in love with Rachel. I guess she thought you had enough to digest these news before she would break the rest."

"God, that poor child! And they became a couple after Rachel's accident?"

"Yes. Quinn started to learn sign language just for Rachel." Fran sighed. "Mom, why don't you let Quinn tell you herself?"

Judy looked up at the ceiling as if being able to see her daughter through the structure.

"Yes, you're right." She got up and purposefully walked out of the room and up the stairs.

Quinn heard someone approaching and her heart sank when she noticed the steps did not belong to her sister. She just couldn't deal with her mom, giving explanations, justifying herself and fighting for the right to love whomever she wanted. To _be_ whoever she wanted.

She lay on her bed on her stomach, her face hidden in her arms, pretending not to hear anything.

Quinn felt someone sit on the edge of a bed and then a hesitating hand was placed on her back.

"Quinn, I'm really sorry about this. Fran told me about … Rachel having lost her hearing … and about the song…" she paused a moment, not sure how to continue.

"It wasn't easy for me to accept that you are gay, Quinn. It would be a lie to admit that. It's just something that never crossed my mind. But I have learned one thing. I can't tell my children how to live their lives. What I can do, though, is trying to love them, no matter which mistakes they make and help them with everything I can."

"What, now you think again that me loving Rachel was a mistake?"

"No Quinn, that's not what I meant! I meant that I shouldn't expect my kids to live the live I imagine for them in my head. All these false and bigot pictures of the perfect family, god," she let out a short humorless laughter, "were things I never wanted to have when I was young. Still, I let myself be forced into this exact frame."

She took a breath before she delivered the following words.

"I am just damn proud of you that despite of all the disrespect, the lack of love and support from us you still found your way. That you found your true love."

Unconsciously she had started to rub small, soothing circles on Quinn's back. The blonde remembered that this was something her mother had always done to console her when she was little. It felt oddly familiar and woke a longing in her just to be held and to be told that everything would be fine.

"Come here," she heard her mother say. Looking up through teary eyes, she saw her hold up her two arms in an offer for a hug as if she had read her thoughts.

Quinn hesitated a moment and then threw her principles and pride overboard. She just wanted to be held.

Judy enveloped her younger daughter in her embrace and silently cried with her. Quinn sobbed against her shoulders, wetting her dress and the older woman just didn't give a damn about it. It felt so good to hold her daughter in her arms again, trying to give her some comfort and consolation.

"Don't you think there is a way you can find back together? Why did she break up with you?" Judy asked when she felt Quinn calm down a little.

The younger woman leaned back and wiped at her tears. With a choked voice she tried to answer her mother.

"I... I'm a singer, Rachel was a singer as well. Now she has to watch me live the life she had wished and worked for so hard, while at the same time being confronted with the fact that she can never have that for herself again. And she thinks she is holding me back..."

Judy was silent for a moment.

"Quinn, as hard and as difficult as this is right now for you and for Rachel, if you are meant to be together, you will get through this. Just don't give up! Don't give up hope, don't give up the fight and most importantly don't ever give up on your love! Maybe Rachel needs some time to get her bearings, but make sure that she knows that you still love her. Grant her that time if you must and maybe this will help you also to find a way to deal with all this. I can imagine that this must not have been easy for you learning about her disability, trying to cope with it and supporting her in parallel."

Quinn began to wonder when her mother had become so insightful. Slowly she felt her resolve melt away and began to tell Judy from when she had fallen in love with Rachel until the fateful Glee club meeting in the afternoon that had triggered the whole drama.

Judy patiently listened and the pride, love and respect for her daughter grew with every minute she learned how committed Quinn was to this relationship, despite Rachel being deaf. She could guess that it must not have been easy to find a way through all this, but if their love was able to conquer such a huge obstacle, she was convinced they would get through this setback as well.

After Quinn had poured out her heart to her mother, they sat for a while in silence. At one point Fran knocked on the door and brought her Rachel's CD.

Judy got up and Fran and her left Quinn for a while to prepare something for dinner.

Against her better judgment, Quinn listened to the song over and over again, until she could not stand it anymore.

… … …

Hiram opened the door when she knocked. His eyes widened when he saw the tear streaked face of Quinn.

"Quinn, what happened?" He asked.

Rachel appeared behind her dad. Seeing Rachel, Quinn stepped around the brunette's dad and positioned herself before her …what? Ex-girlfriend?

Before she could open her mouth to say anything, Rachel asked her signing:

_Quinn, why are you here?_

Her signs were accompanied with a weary look from those usual warm brown eyes. Quinn knew that behind the cold facade Rachel was hurting as much as she did.

Despite all the good reasons Rachel had for wanting to get away, Quinn did not think that she would be hurting less once Quinn was out of her life.

Rachel's cold stare still hurt and despite all her desperation the blonde felt her anger rise. She breathed twice deeply in order to try to reign in her feelings, but failed miserably as the words came rushing out, while her hands angrily formed the accompanying signs.

"How do you fucking dare to sing a love song to me and then break up with me? How dare you?"

Rachel was taken aback when she understood what Quinn had just told her.

"You weren't ever supposed to hear that!"

"Well too bad, because I just did."

"And how did you get the CD? Did Kurt give it to you?"

"Yes, he dropped it at my house with a note."

Rachel almost shouted. "I can't believe he did that! What kind of friend is he?"

"Stop focusing on Kurt. This is about us!" Quinn vehemently stated.

Rachel shook her head. "No, Quinn. There is no _us_ anymore!"

"Rachel, look at me. Look at me and tell me that you don't love me, that nothing you sang in that song is true."

Quinn heard the desperation creep back into her voice. For once she was glad Rachel couldn't hear it. She didn't want to break down. She didn't want to beg. But she knew she would. She knew she would fall on her knees if she must and ask Rachel to give them another chance. To her own anger Quinn felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She angrily wiped them away before she continued to sign in parallel to her words.

"You recorded a love song for me. A fucking _song_ , even though you are deaf! That is one of the greatest proves of love I could ever receive. That _anyone_ could ever receive considering the circumstances! And now you are telling me that there is no "us" anymore? You have to do better than that!"

Finally Rachel's steely composure crumbled and the brown eyes shimmered with tears threatening to fall. The next words only came out in a whisper.

"I sang with Kurt. I sang a duet with him from _Wicked_ the other night I visited him. It.. it just happened. That's when I got the idea of recording a song for you while… while I still could. While I was still able to control my voice."

Quinn closed her eyes, trying to control her emotions that crashed through her like giant waves.

"And why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you hide the CD? Was there something I have done that made you doubt me? I... I just want to understand!"

"I don't know. Well, I did tell you that night, but you were already half asleep and the next day you couldn't remember and... and... I just didn't have the courage to tell you again! Maybe I was just afraid that ... I don't know! It scared the hell out of me when I noticed I actually sang along to the song that was playing at Kurt's place. And it scared me like hell to notice how _much_ I loved performing that song with him! And how _much_ I missed it!"

Now Rachel was crying and Quinn didn't want anything else than to reach out and wrap her in her arms.

Instinctively Rachel took a step back, bringing more distance between them.

Quinn lifted her hands again to accompany her words. "Rachel, what do you expect me to do now? I can't just leave you. And don't be angry with Kurt for giving me the CD." Quinn pulled the slim case out of her bag and looked at it for a long moment before handing it to Rachel. "I know you don't want me to have it, so, here!"

Rachel helplessly lifted her arms and the let them fall again to her side. "Quinn, I... I don't want it. It was meant for you, originally, so keep it. See it as a good-bye present then. A good-bye to music, to my live, to everything I had. I need a break from all that. I need to sort myself out, I need to… I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I NEED! I need my hearing back, but since I obviously can't get that, I ... I... need to find a way to ..." She was despreately looking for words. "Everything just reminds me of what I have lost." In a whisper she added: "I still love you, but … I just need some time alone."

The last remarks stung. Very much.

Quinn flinched and took an involuntary step backwards.

It broke Rachel's heart to see how much pain she caused the person she still loved more than her life. But she needed a break.

It was true what she had said, she needed to collect herself, needed to take a breather from the crazy marathon run through the hearing world with all her experiences she had absolved over the past months.

With the Glee Club meeting everything seemed to have caught up with her and she had this overwhelming feeling of being run over by a stream train. That every second of her life the fact that she couldn't hear was pushed right back into her face.

_I can't be with you._ Quinn had heard the words, but still could not quite understand them. She could not grasp how her life had turned around one hundred eighty degrees within few hours.

"How could we go from making love this morning, from having fun to... this?" Quinn asked desperately, still trying to understand where this sudden rupture between them had come from.

She had never expected it to be easy for and with Rachel while she was still trying to adapt. But she had thought through their honest and open talks they could both manage to move forward. She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost missed Rachel's answer.

" _This_... Was always there, Quinn. And I realized that when I met Lauren and Cara that they had an understanding of my situation that no one else has or will ever get. I don't mean that as a reproach, it's just... the way it is."

"The way it is." Quinn repeated slowly, without signing. Then she lifted her hands again.

_Things are always the way they are, but we can make a difference. We can change them, if we want to._ _We can work things out._

"I need time, Quinn, please!"

Rachel sounded so desperate. She looked so lost in her battle with her inner demons. Deep in her heart she understood why Rachel did this to her, to them. But it did not make it hurt any less. Quinn knew that Rachel had to fight the rest of the fight alone. She had done and said anything she could. All she _could_ do now, was give Rachel the time and space she asked for. And hope that love would win that battle that was raging inside Rachel's head and heart.

Despite her better judgment Quinn stepped forward and enveloped her in an embrace. To her own surprise Rachel let herself be held and even closed her arms around her waist.

They stood like that for a moment, neither of them daring to break the moment.

Quinn took a couple of ragged breaths. The true meaning of Rachel's words slowly seemed to sink in.

How much time did she need? There were still so many questions burning in her heart, but Quinn knew that this was not the time to pose them. She swallowed hard and then felt all her energy drain.

She had felt quite a while that something was off between them, but neither she nor Rachel had openly touched upon it. Now it was too late. As much as it hurt and as much as part of her was angry with Rachel, she tried to put herself in Rachel's shoes.

She had been brave throughout the whole past months, taking one step further every time. Now looking back, maybe it really had been too much in a too short time, as Kurt suggested. She knew Rachel had enjoyed herself at the club, but they had never really talked about how meeting Lauren and Cara had affected her. And how she really experienced being at the club, surrounded by music she could only feel. Then spending the entire time at her concert, showing her support and love through this action, being absolutely exposed to an environment that absolutely did nothing to ease her pain and help her adjust. Still she came and stayed until the very end.

Quinn knew that this must have cost Rachel so much effort, but only now she realized how much. Maybe these and some other situations depleted Rachel's energy reserves a bit too quickly so that she did not have the strength anymore to deal in a different way with the situation today.

Now, in retrospect there were so many things they should have talked about. Quinn herself should have been more open with her feelings in certain situations as well.

But there was no sense in berateing herself about could have and would haves now.

For today, all was said and done.

She had to let go. She had to let got and trust that one day Rachel would win this fight against her own desperation, against her feeling of not belonging anywhere. Quinn just hoped that day would come sooner than later and that she would realize that she belonged with her, that they belonged to each other.

Right now, Quinn did not have the strength to fight anymore. Slowly she disentangled herself from Rachel and both women took a step back to get some distance between them. Quinn felt like her heart could never heal from the pain.

Without any further word she turned and left, leaving an equally heartbroken Rachel in her wake.

Outside Quinn took a couple of deep breaths and sent out a prayer before she walked to her car.

_God, please God, let Rachel find her inner peace. And when she does, let me be ready._   
_Let me be strong enough to get through this._   
_Let me be strong enough to keep loving her despite the pain._   
_Let me be strong enough to find trust and forgiveness._   
_Give me strength to be patient and to keep believing._

* * *

**I know it's not what you've been hoping for** **yet and I'm sorry if I caused you any more pain. I really am.** **  
**

**Sometimes the roads we take are rocky and full of bumps and obstacles. And when we stop to take a breath, to look around, we might just find that another path is not far away, one that is easier to take, but we have been too occupied with our troubles to see it. Once we stop and reflect without blindly running on, we see more clearly. And then we can keep going.**

**Just like our two ladies.**


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

After leaving Rachel's house, Quinn headed home and went straight up to her room. She put on her sweat pants, an old shirt and training jacked and went out again for a run.

She could not stand to be closed in by walls. She had the feeling they crushed her heart even more. Quinn needed to move, it seemed to be the only thing that helped against the pain and the hurt.

Outside, getting into the rhythm, Quinn tried to concentrate on her breathing, on putting one foot in front of the other. The cold air hit her throat and she felt it burning in her lungs.

It helped to cover the underlying pain in her chest for a while she knew she had no remedy for.

When she finally returned home, her legs almost buckling from the exhaustion, she saw the worried looks from her mom and sister. They had cooked dinner in the meantime, but Quinn was not hungry. She remembered that the sandwich in the afternoon at the Berry's house was the last thing she had eaten.

She didn't care.

Quinn excused herself and went up to her room. During her run she decided to leave early for New York City. It meant she would have to cancel the dinner at Shelby and it meant she would disappoint Beth, but she did not have the strength to put on a happy face when all the wanted was to curl up into a ball and cry.

She opened her laptop and drafted an e-mail to Shelby. Quinn knew that she actually should have called her, because sending a message was just so impersonal, but she did not want to talk about what had happened again. Beth would be very disappointed and Quinn felt really bad for spoiling her little girl's Christmas, especially since she was so excited about Rachel coming as well. She promised to come for another visit soon to make up for the lost time.

Then Quinn pulled her stuff together and threw it into the travel bag, not even bothering to fold her clothes. When she had finished packing, she took a quick shower and went downstairs.

Seeing the worried faces again and the questioning glances, she told her family very briefly what had happened during her second visit to Rachel.

Judy and Fran were really sorry that this relationship that had seemed to make Quinn so happy, had come to such a sudden end. Fran even more so, because she had been in closer contact with her sister and had experienced the joy and love Quinn showed for Rachel more openly than their mother. But even so, Judy was very sad to see her youngest so sad and hurt. She wished she could do something about it, but knew that both women needed to find their own way through this painful situation. She still believed in what she had told her daughter earlier, if they were meant to be together, then they would be.

Her mom and sister both hugged her again and tried to find some consoling words, but other than that they knew that there was not much they could do. This was between Quinn and Rachel, all they could offer was to be there for her, to support her and to love her.

Quinn was grateful for the support from her family, more surprisingly even from her mom.

Fran tried her best to distract her by telling some stories about some of her kids at school while Quinn forced herself to eat at least a few bites of her dinner.

Francine was a teacher at an elementary school in Columbus. The stories helped a little to ease the tension, but soon after Quinn had picked a couple of tiny bites from her plate, she excused herself to go to bed. She needed the sleep. She felt so drained and exhausted as if she had run a marathon that day.

After a short discussion, Quinn agreed to let her mom and sister drive her to the train station early the next morning, before she went back to her room and tried to find some solace in her sleep.

… … …

The next morning Rachel had a sparse breakfast with her dads. They tried to convince her to stay, but she declined. She wanted to get away from Lima. Maybe it would be easier being back in New York , to go back to her routine. Then again, it was shortly before Sylvester, and there was not really a routine for her to get back to.

Still, Rachel felt she had to go home and was glad that Puck had offered her a ride.

A little before nine Puck stood in the driveway. He met her at the door and gallantly took her bags and stowed them in the trunk.

Shortly before they were ready to leave, Santana managed to catch them in the driveway. The Latina did not want to leave before letting Rachel know that she was still her friend and that she still cared about her. She greeted Puck with a nod of her head, while he lifted his hand and gave her a short wave.

Santana had to admit that it hurt to see Rachel so down, with dark circles under her eyes. Even though it was the brunette's own choice to end her relationship with Quinn, the Latina still understood the dilemma Rachel found herself to be in. She knew what it felt like to be between a rock and a hard place when it came to relationships. Shaking her head to get the memories out of her head she looked at her friend.

"Hey," the brunette greeted her with the ghost of a smile.

"Hey."

Rachel wondered why Santana had come. Did she want to tell her something about Quinn? Parts of her hoped, parts of her dreaded the reason for the Latina showing up. Then again, maybe she just wanted to know how she was.

Santana saw the questions flicker across Rachel's face.

To ease her doubts Santana enveloped the petit woman in a long embrace.

It took a moment until she felt Rachel hug her back. Not in the polite way you hugged distance acquaintances, but the kind of hug you gave good friends, where you lean in and press the other person close to you.

Finally, after releasing each other, the Latina she lifted her hands, reassuring the petite woman:

_I'm still your friend Rachel, don't ever forget that. I'm here for you. Don't shut me out._

Rachel looked to the side for a moment before focusing back at the dark eyes that looked at her imploringly. Then she nodded and the smile she gave the Latina was a bit broader this time.

"Okay. Thank you, Santana." Then she looked over her shoulder at Puck and poked a thumb at him. "I have to go."

_See you back in New York._ Santana signed and waited for the appropriate reply. It took Rachel a moment to answer, which she did signing, but when she did, Santana saw the honesty in her eyes.

_Yes, it would be nice to see you in NY, Santana._

Santana noticed that Rachel had not given her a name sign yet, fingerspelling her whole name.

_Rachel, when we see each other next time, I also want a name sign. Think of a good one, ok?_

The brunette had to smile a bit at the request.

_Sure. I will. Have a good trip back._

Rachel turned and waved at her friend before she slid into the passenger seat of Puck's car. She gave another wave at her dads who still stood in the doorway to see her off. They had said their good-byes already at the house earlier.

Santana said good-bye to Puck and he also wished her a good trip back to the city.

… … …

Santana flew back from Lima on that same day that Quinn and Rachel returned. As she landed earlier in New York than Quinn's train arrived, she decided to pick her friend up at the train station.

She had suggested going back with Quinn, but the blonde wanted the time for herself.

Quinn appreciated Santana's gesture, but knew she would not have been a good company to her friend. Santana would not have expected anything from her, but she needed the couple of hours before arriving at New York to somehow steel herself for the following days, days that would be empty and void. Devoid of joy, devoid of love, devoid of Rachel.

Quinn watched the landscape rush by in a blur and tried to find the slightest bit of motivation to get back on the stage that seemed to be the very reason for her sadness. Then again, if Rachel had decided to "set her free" so she could follow her career, then Quinn damn well would do that. I would not help either of them if she failed in her job now. It would probably not bring Rachel back and it would make Quinn feel even more miserable like she felt now.

Right.

It all sounded so logical in her head. But it did nothing – _nothing_ \- to convince her heart. Her thoughts evolved solely around the petite brunette and how she would feel so lonely without her by her side. How she felt ripped apart and thought she could never heal and feel whole again.

For the first time in her career she considered calling in sick. She just could not face going back to work as if nothing had happened.

She pulled out her phone and typed a message to her director claiming a family emergency – which in a way was not completely a lie - and told him that she needed to take care of a couple of things.

He told her he was sorry and that he hoped she would get things sorted out. He did not want to pry, but he asked when she thought she could be back, just so he could plan for Leonor to take over her part.

Feeling already bad for her half-lie, she told him she'd be back on the thirtieth. That gave her one day more rest than originally planned. Not that one day would help much to go through this.

Looking at her watch she noticed that the train would still need three hours before she reached her destination.

Right now Quinn would have preferred to keep on riding on that train, forever suspended in that part between leaving and arriving. Leaving her happy thoughts and arriving at her new, empty live.

She thought that this is how Rachel must have felt when she woke up realizing she couldn't hear anymore. She must have felt the same pain and hurt, as if something vital and utterly important had been ripped away from her, leaving her empty and lifeless.

… … …

Late afternoon Puck dropped Rachel off in front of her building. They briefly hugged and Rachel promised him to stay in contact.

Arriving at her apartment, Rachel closed the door and slid down to the floor. She wrapped her arms around her knees and dropped her head on them. She tried to empty her mind of all Quinn memories and pictures that came up again and again. She tried to not think anything or about anyone at all.

And failed miserably.

Rachel did not want to feel anything. She tried to tell her heart to stop aching so much. But just like always it had a mind of its own, asking her why she was doing this to herself if it made her feel so fucking damn miserable?

Rachel didn't have an answer to that. Well, yes she did. Being with Quinn and seeing her enjoy certain thing that she couldn't, made her feel just as sad. So was it just a question of what hurt more.

After what seemed like hours, she pulled herself up, trudged into her bedroom, pulled her clothes over her head and climbed into bed. She did not even bother to unpack; her bags were still lying next to the entrance where she had left them.

Placing her phone on the night stand, she hesitated. Then she pulled it back and typed a message.

_Hi Lauren, are you back from your vacation?_   
_If you have time, it would be great to see you. I need someone to talk to…_   
_Hope you had some happy holidays._   
_Rachel_

She was surprised when the answer came back immediately.

_Hey, I'm back in the city. Just so much of family I can bear ;-)._   
_Your message doesn't really sound like "hey, I had a wonderful and_   
_relaxing time." You're ok?_   
_Still having a couple of days off. So how about breakfast tomorrow?_   
_At ten at the Little Angel's café?_

Rachel sent her answer back with an apology.

_Sorry to jump on you like that without properly asking how_   
_you were! And we haven't even met after my birthday like we planned to._   
_Breakfast would be great. I'll bring Bagels. See you tomorrow!_   
_Thanks for taking the time_   
_X Rachel_

Another message arrived shortly after she had sent hers.

_No problem, glad if I can help._   
_Don't worry; texting with you over the holidays was fun_   
_and a welcome distraction. My family can be quite_   
_overbearing at times. Have a good night…_   
_Lauren_

Rachel placed the phone on the night stand and turned off the light. It was just eight o'clock in the evening, but she was already dead tired.

Thinking about the next morning, Rachel was glad that she did not have to wander around her flat the whole day, pushing thoughts back and forth in her mind. She could use the distraction and the opinion of someone who was not as close to her or Quinn as her other friends.

Before sleep claimed her, she remembered the trip from Lima to New York with Puck. He had insisted to drive most of the way, until Rachel forced him to hand over the keys so he could rest while she drove.

… … …

Puck and Rachel did not have much of a conversation during the first part of the trip. She did not feel like talking. Her heart was too heavy and she was more than once close to breaking down in tears. Rachel was grateful for Puck's gentle consolation in form of a hand on her thigh or her shoulder to tell her that it was ok to cry and to feel sad.

After they had put some distance between themselves and Lima, Rachel felt herself calm down and she managed to opened up a little. It helped that Puck did not pressure her to talk about what was eating her, but she knew he would listen if she chose to tell him.

Rachel volunteered some information about how she had managed after her accident, how Quinn and she had met and how this had changed so much in her live. Finally she also told him what drove her to take the decision to stay away from Quinn, besides loving her so much.

At the next stop Puck asked her if she had something to write on. Rachel nodded and pulled her pad out of the bag, watching Puck scribble something down.

_Rachel, I wish I could have been there for you during the past months. I really missed you and I was worried that I had done something to offend you. I can imagine that it was hard for you, probably still is, to connect again with people, especially if you don't always know how to communicate with them. It'd be lying if I said that I'm not shocked or saddened by what happened._

_I can sort of understand why you don't want to be close to Quinn and how hard this must be. This whole deaf thing really sucks. I wish I could help…_

Rachel placed a hand on his to stop his stream of words.

"Puck, no one can help me." She stated quietly. "There is nothing you can do."

_Yes there is. There must be something I can do._

"Do what? What Puck?"

Why did people always think she could not survive on her own? She had made it through her first months all by herself, why couldn't she do it again? Granted, she had felt miserable then. But reconnecting with people had led her to the point she was now. Feeling just very miserable again. So what was the point in all this?

Oh yes, she knew that she was being unfair and that she very much needed and wanted her family and friends in her life, at least those you were willing to deal with her disability. But right now she just wanted to feel sorry for herself.

Puck's answer surprised her, though.

_There must be something I can do so we can stay friends, Rachel!_

She looked at him as if she had not understood what he had written.

Stay friends.

That would be nice, but how realistic was it really? She loved Puck as a friend. She knew he could be passionate about many things, but he also could lose interest in something or someone if things might get a bit difficult and his heart was not really in it. It was different with his music and his company, there was real passion behind. But would he have the drive to stay friends with her, if every conversation they were going to have proved to be difficult?

In order to stay friends, they would need a basis for communication. Rachel just could not expect everyone around her to adapt to her needs and to learn sign language. And she did not feel like having endless conversations on paper for the rest of her live.

Rachel just did not know what and how much she could ask of him.

"Puck, I'd love for us to stay friends…" her voice trailed off which prompted Puck to write:

_But…?_

"But you see how difficult it is to have a decent conversation with me. I mean, I can still talk, yes. That makes it easier for me, but it's a very one sided conversation and sometimes I actually like to listen to other people's opinions," she added with a small teasing smile, before she looked at her hands.

"I can live with someone writing things down for a while. But to base a friendship solely on that kind of communication is really tough. And I can't expect everyone to learn sign language just for me."

_Yes you can, Rachel. And you should! And everyone to whom you mean a lot will do it. So, start signing while you talk to me. No matter if I understand anything in the beginning or not. But this way I'll get used to it. Let's start now. I want you to teach me!_

"Puck, I…," Rachel was speechless. He started writing something down again.

_How do you spell my name? Show me. NOW._

Rachel frowned. "Puck… "

Puck reached over and lifted Rachel's hand, shaking it a little. "Do it. Show me." He demanded and looked into his friend's eyes, holding her gaze to show her that he really meant it.

"Fine," Rachel sighed, her hands still resting in her lap.

_Why are you so reluctant? I don't get it._

"Because at the beginning people are _oh_ _so excited_ to learn ASL. But after a while, when they notice that it takes a lot of practice and that it is not easy to really express yourself the way you are used to, they get tired of it. I… I haven't told this to anyone, but I had a friend from the theater I worked at who wanted to learn it in the beginning. We were quite close and I was really surprised that she wanted to do this for me. I had pushed everyone away in the beginning, but she was so persistent about wanting to stay in my life and wanting to learn…She even came with me to one of my classes with my teacher. But then, after four lessons, when the newness wore off, she noticed the limitations and how much hard work you have to put into. And with the exhausting schedule at the theater, she just couldn't make the time, or bring the effort...whatever."

Rachel looked out of the window for a moment before she continued. It was hard to talk about that. There had been something about Karen that had penetrated her walls. She had let her in, and only her, hoping that with the help of her friend it would all be easier to endure. Only to be dropped like and unwanted toy.

"My dads were also really struggling in the beginning. They didn't understand the importance of learning sign language. It was really frustrating for me. I felt so isolated. I still do in many situations."

Puck reached over and lifted her hands to show her again what he wanted. He gave her an encouraging smile and a short nod.

Rachel rolled her eyes, but complied. She began signing along her words.

"Luckily my dads understood at some point that they had to learn ASL and a few other things about dealing with a deaf person. We are on good terms now, because they really understood that if they ever wanted to keep me in their lives and vice versa, they would have to learn to adapt. These were my _parents_ , so I kind of expect that from them. But I can't force my friends to do that, to spend so much time on learning a complete new language just to communicate with me."

She took a breath and wanted to continue, but Puck held up a hand to stop her.

He pointed at himself. "My turn," and he started writing something again.

_Ok, I can understand that this must be frustrating for both sides. And I get the hint – ouch, by the way! – that I can be superficial. But I thought that I have proven to you over the past years that I really care about you. And if Santana can learn that stuff, than I can learn it too. Besides, it might make me more attractive to girls._ _:-)_

"Screw you, Noah," Rachel huffed, but with a small smile and slapped him on his arm. "You've just proven my point, by the way. I can totally see you making weird hand signs that don't have any meaning at all just to make yourself interesting."

Puck laughed.

_Come on, you know I was joking! Now, instead of hitting me, put your cute little hands to good use and show me how to spell my name. Please. Give me a chance._

_Oh, and the next sign I want to learn is 'Jewish princess'._

Rachel snorted and rolled her eyes. Lifting her hands again she showed her friend how to finger-spell his name. Then she explained him about the name signs, which made it so much easier referring to a person.

Puck was excited and immediately had a suggestion. He spread his legs as far as it was possible in the driver seat and made a rapid movement with both hands, palms facing each other towards the juncture of his leg.

Rachel was not surprised to see him do the exact same movement he had used during their _'Don't Stop Believing'_ performance when he entered the stage.

"Hell no!" Then under her breath Rachel muttered: "Good Lord, what have I gotten myself into."

She formed a P with the fingers of her right hand. Lifting it she mimicked a Mohawk slightly above her forehead, following the line of the imaginary hairstyle. Even though Puck did not wear this haircut anymore, Rachel found that this was a suitable sign for him.

"As you cannot choose your own sign, you better behave or I'll find one that is not flattering at all. So. This is yours." She repeated the movement and explained him about the position of her fingers forming the letter P.

Puck mimicked her and then nodded with a grin.

"I like it!"

"Good." Rachel smiled back. For a short moment during their conversation she had actually pushed her misery a little aside.

"Now, let me drive for a while, you look tired." She frowned when she saw his look on his face and the dismissive hand gesture at her suggestion. Grabbing the pen he wrote:

_I'm ok, really, you don't have to do that._

Rachel looked at him for a moment.

"Don't tell me you don't trust me to drive, Puck," she challenged him with a small smile and a raised eyebrow.

He did trust Rachel's driving; it was more that he wanted to do the chivalrous thing, knowing that she was not really feeling so hot under the current circumstances.

Puck knew better than to start an argument when Rachel had _that_ look on her face. He lifted his hands in surrender and said "fine", glad to be able to close his eyes for a while.

Quickly they switched seats.

Rachel could probably use the distraction to concentrate on the traffic for a while, he thought before he drifted off to sleep in the passenger seat.

… … …

Rachel had not known what to expect from the drive home with Puck. But she surely had not expected Noah to be so adamant about being taught how to sign. He had even asked her about the contact details of her teacher when he dropped her off in front of her building.

Well, she was not sure if Puck would really pull it through, but she appreciated the gesture for now. She was willing to believe that he meant what he said.

Then she remembered her meeting with Lauren the next morning. Meeting her new friend for breakfast would give her some distraction, Rachel hoped. She was really looking forward to it. This way she would not have to wander around her apartment like a tiger in a cage, desperately trying to ignore her feelings and the pain they caused.

Besides the fact that she was genuinely glad to meet the other woman again, also that she would have someone to talk to. To _really_ talk to. Someone she could ask a question that had been burning in her soul, but that no one else was able to answer.

She turned off the light and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

… … …

Few blocks over, Quinn sat at her dining table, staring at her half full cup of tea.

Santana sat opposite from her, wearing a worried expression on her face. Neither woman said anything. Santana did not force a conversation. Knowing her friend so well, she just gave her the time she needed. Quinn would often try to sort things out by herself before she talked about it with others. The Latina knew whenever she was ready, she'd open up.

Quinn pushed her chair back and stemmed both hands on the table surface, slowly pushing herself up.

"Sorry, I'm not the best company today." She said with a small smile to Santana, after they had sat in silence for almost the whole evening.

Santana huffed at that. "Q, don't sweat. I didn't expect anything from you today. Just wanned to keep you company in case you wanted to talk." Then she added: "I expect one thing of you, though."

Quinn looked at her with a weary expression on her face. "What?"

"That you don't give up. And I want you to trust in me that I won't give up on you two either."

Quinn felt herself smile at the words. She walked around the table and gave Santana a long hug. "Ok, I'll try."

Santana knew by that gesture that her presence and support was much appreciated.

Then Quinn turned and went into her bedroom with a short "Good night."

Santanan just hoped that Rachel would somehow manage on her own tonight…

It had been so hard seeing Quinn in this horrible state of "the world has ended", when she had met her at the train station.

On the other hand Santana could somewhat understand Rachel's point s well. She could understand how painful it must be for her to have someone you love live the live you want in front of your eyes every day, knowing that you would never be able to participate. But giving up on love completely just seemed a too high price to pay, no matter for what reason. You did not just find your soul partner at every street corner.

Santana knew that Rachel still loved Quinn. She could see it in her eyes. If she could just figure out how to make Rachel change her mind, how to make her understand that nothing is bigger or more important than true and unconditional love. This was such a precious gift.

Santana also stood up and made her way into her room. She felt almost as miserable as her two friends that day. She prayed that the universe would give both of them a little push so they could realize what really mattered. Santana didn't want to downplay Rachel's disability. But she was still convinced that together both women could better solve any probles than each on her own. She knew Quinn had ignored some of her feelings as well, without ever talking about them, just as Rachel had.

She raked her brain to find a way to make Quinn and Rachel understand each other's situation.

Santana did not expect a miracle and that all of a sudden both women fell into each other's arms and everything was well again. They had to face their issues with each other or they would never be happy again. She alsow knew that she alone could not save their relationship. This was something that Quinn and Rachel had to do on their own in the end, but she might be able help to get the right understanding for each other under to do so under the current circumstances.

Hesitating shortly, Santana stood before her laptop. Then she gave herself a push and turned it on. Maybe she could start with Quinn and help her experience some of the challenges that Rachel had to face over the past months.

Reading over her the e-mail she had written one last time, she sent it. Hopefully Quinn was willing to do this.

* * *


	51. Chapter 51

**Usual disclaimer...**

**Thank you again for all the Kudos!**

* * *

**Chapter 51**

The next morning after the ride home with Puck from Lima, Rachel woke up with a headache. Looking into the bathroom mirror she found her eyes to be red and puffy. Then she remembered the nightmare she had had. Something about Quinn and someone dying, but she could not remember who. She did recalled waking up crying, however.

Jesus, let her mind fuck her up even more. Instead of forgetting, her head conjured up more dramatic and wild scenarios involving Quinn. Just what she needed.

She splashed some cold water into her face before she went into the shower.

On her way back into the bedroom to get dressed, she stumbled across the box with Quinn's letters. Her hand twitched to lift the lid, but she managed to control the impulse. With her foot she nudged the box lightly until it slid under her bed and out of her sight.

After a moment of hesitation she knelt down and pulled it out again. She lifted the cover and closed her eyes while her right hand dug into the papers.

She did not intent to read one. Not now. Not soon.

She just … had to… she did not know why she did that, actually. Shaking her head, she pulled her hand back and closed the box. Her hands rested a moment on the smooth surface before she pushed it back under the bed, though not as far back as before.

Then she stood up and slowly walked to the closet to choose her outfit for the day.

Twenty minutes later she was bundled up in warm clothes and ready to leave her apartment to meet Lauren.

Lauren had invited Rachel to her home for breakfast instead of meeting at the café. Somehow she had the feeling that they might be discussing some more private things. Not that many people would have understood their conversation in sign language, but this seemed to be the better solution. She honestly told Rachel that she felt as if the brunette needed to vent some frustration and that it might be better to do this in a private place and not in public.

Rachel had hesitated at first, but then agreed. Re-reading the text she had sent Lauren, she noticed that it indeed held an air of desperation and she _had_ made it clear she wanted to talk about certain things.

Debating whether to catch a cab or taking public transportation, she chose the subway – still somewhat reluctantly - and got off after three stops. Lauren did not live too far away, but the weather did not really invite for a stroll through the city, otherwise Rachel might have walked. The cold air probably would have helped to clear some of her thoughts, she mused while she looked for her friend's building. Rachel remembered what Lauren had told her about herself while they were texting over the phone the past days.

Lauren shared a three bedroom apartment with her boyfriend Max. They had moved in together a year ago after dating for almost two years, as Lauren later told her. They had met at the school where she took sign language classes. He coached a group of teenagers twice a week playing basketball. Their paths had cross in the school's secretary office.

Lauren had been frustrated that day beyond measure by her whole situation. Max had just pulled her outside, pressed a basketball into her hands and told her to start playing. At first she had half-heartedly thrown the ball at the basket, but after a few passes she got more determined and before she knew it she and Max were engaged in a competitive game that left them sweaty and exhausted and in Lauren's case calmer and less frustrated then before. They agreed to meet again the next day and _the rest is history, as they say_ Lauren had written in one of her messages.

Lauren greeted her warmly at the door and pulled Rachel in for a hug.

_Hey, good to see you again!_ She then signed, mouthing the words in parallel.

Rachel nodded and answered the same way. _Yes, I'm glad to see you as well. How are you?_

_Good, enjoying some time for myself with Max gone for a couple of days. Come in, make yourself comfortable. Breakfast is almost ready._

Rachel held out a bag. _Here, I brought the bagels and croissants._ _And_ … she, opened her bag and pulled out a glass with a lid which she also placed into her friend's hands _… some home-made raspberry jam. My dads made it. Hope you like it. Thanks for inviting me here._

Lauren indicated with her head to move into the other room. Rachel followed Lauren into the living room where the table was already set with a delicious looking breakfast choices.

The black haired woman placed the bag and the jam on the table before she could answer, with her hands free.

_Glad you came. Thanks for the bagels and the jam. I love raspberries!_

Then she poked her thumb over her shoulder. _I'll just get the coffee._

Rachel nodded and while she waited for the other woman to come back, she took in her surroundings. She would have liked to meet Max, but he was still visiting with his family, coming back the next day.

The apartment was nicely decorated. It had the same dark hardwood floors as hers. The walls where painted in a light vanilla color that gave off the warm tone of the honey colored wooden furniture. Rachel looked around and found a stereo with quite an impressive selection of CDs in one corner. She felt intrigued and almost got up to take a look at it when she remembered her own vow.

Quickly she turned away and clenched her teeth at the familiar pang in her heart.

_Damn. Hold it together,_ she told herself.

She knew from Lauren that Max was not completely deaf, but hard of hearing. That probably explained the existence of the stereo and the music collection.

Seeing her friend enter out of the corner of her eye, Rachel lifted her head and tried a brave smile.

_Need any help?_ She asked Lauren.

The black haired woman shook her head.

_All done. Here is coffee, here some tea – I wasn't sure what you preferred. Help yourself and let me know if you need anything else_.

Rachel nodded gratefully.

The two women settled comfortably around the table and started piling some food on their plates. Rachel noticed more than once that she was close to saying something while her hands stayed busy spreading jam on her bagel. It had become such an easy habit being around hearing people that she had to remind herself in the beginning that Lauren could not hear her.

It was an interesting experience, in a way.

She noticed the other woman wave to get her attention.

_So. What's up. You look like you had had no sleep last night, if I may be honest. Did anything happen?_

Rachel tilted her head shortly to one side before answering.

_Yes, you can say that. But I honestly feel really bad to push my drama into focus when this is our first meeting since we got to know each other at the club. How were your holidays?_

Lauren chuckled.

_Ok. I get what you're trying to do. Fine. I'll distract you for a moment, but then we'll come back to you. My life has been pretty uneventful so far,_ she smiled. _My holidays were good, we had a nice family gathering for Christmas with some pleasant surprises and some familiar awkward moments. First we celebrated with my family, then we went to Max's family. He's still staying there until tomorrow. So all in all it was ok._

Rachel was curious by something Lauren had mentioned.

_What kind of surprises and awkward moments?_ She knew she could definitely relate, having experienced some of her own.

_Oh, you know, the usual moments where people pretend that nothing is wrong with you as long as they ignore you. I have a cousin who is well versed in that behavior. I was really hurt over the past years by her behavior, but this year I just didn't let it get to me anymore and stopped pretending I was okay with the way she acted around me. I confronted her over dinner one evening. Then she had no other choice but to finally acknowledge me. Luckily my sister sat next to her and helped interpreting. We had a good fight with the whole family looking back and forth between us._ Lauren laughed in retrospect. _It must have seemed like a verbal tennis match._

She sobered again. _It wasn't the kind of conversation and situation I would have preferred, but at least we were finally talking to each other._

Rachel had to ask once in between for Lauren to slow down. She could follow most of the signs, but sometimes she still got lost at the speed of her friend's signing. Also she noticed that her own signing was a little slower than Lauren's. Speaking most of the time she just had not practiced so much. That she would change, she vowed. Even though others could hear did not mean she had to stop signing along her words. After all, this was how she "heard" words, even it were only her own while speaking, and even if she still heard her voice in her mind.

_Did you and your cousin manage to make up somehow?_

The dark haired woman nodded.

_Yes. That was one of the pleasant surprises. Once I understood what had bothered her so much about my condition, we were able to talk about it. Later, after dinner, I mean. She just felt insecure and never had the courage to approach me. All this insecurity had accumulated and led so far that she tried to avoid me completely, just to not get into the situation of having to communicate with me somehow._

Lauren tilted her shrugged slightly, thinking about the evening before she continued.

_It would be too much to say we became friends again, but at least we were able to tell each other how we both felt in this situation since I became deaf. I didn't want to push her, I was just glad that I had the courage to speak out what was bothering me and that she had the same courage to tell me about her feelings. We'll see how we'll get along in the future._

The last remark made Rachel curious how Lauren's family had adapted to her condition.

_Do you get along well with the rest of your family and friends?_

Lauren shrugged again.

_Well, most were shocked in the beginning, of course. No one thought that having a simple cold could have such devastating consequences. It all started with a simple ear ache which I ignored for too long. Anyway, my parents luckily adapted quite well at learning sign language, same with my sister. Other family members are rather slow at that. Since we don't see each other that often, they somehow don't see the need…_

Rachel nodded. "Hmhm." _I get that. It was a bit the same with my dads. And your friends?_

_That's where you find you who your real friends are, I guess._

Lauren looked pensively at her half eaten Bagel.

_Out of six or seven what I had thought were real good friends, only one was putting in the time to be there for me, to try to understand me. With the others the contact slowly but surely broke off. But one person I thought just to be an acquaintance, she and I became really good friends. That was a surprise._

Lauren glanced at Rachel. _You are lucky with your friends! So… Enough about me, now it's your turn. What's eating you?_

To her own surprise, Rachel got up and walked over to the CDs. She skimmed the titles and smiled at the different music styles. Feeling Lauren's eyes on her she turned around, a 'Two Steps from Hell' CD in her hand. She loved their music. They were famous for composing music for movie trailers and their tracks often varied from Irish lyrics to swelling choruses to a quite violin. Looking back from the cover to the other woman, she asked:

_Does it ever get better? At all?_

_What? Missing the music?_

Rachel nodded.

Lauren looked at her for a moment before giving her an honest answer.

_No. I mean, the whole communication stuff – yes. Especially if you have friends and family who support you. But music and all the other beautiful sounds… no, I never stopped missing them._

She threw an apologetic smile at Rachel. Lauren wished she could tell her something else, knowing where the question came from. Having a musical background, this must have been harder on Rachel than on herself.

Rachel pressed her lips together and nodded once. This did not come as a surprise. Still, she had hoped… that she would say something different, something that would give her hope to find her peace with this whole situation.

She walked back to the table and sat down.

"I thought so." She felt the tears threaten to spill and blinked. Looking at her hands that stayed motionless on the surface of the table she whispered: "I'm not sure I can do it."

Lauren tilted her head, trying to get Rachel's attention with her eyes.

When the brunette did not react, she tapped her on the arm lightly. Rachel looked up, startled.

_Care to repeat that? I didn't get what you just said._

The petite woman shook her head. _Wasn't important._

_Judging from the look on your face it was. So… care to repeat it?_ Lauren coaxed gently.

Rachel sighed and got up again, pacing back and forth behind her chair. Lauren patiently followed her friend with her eyes. When the brunette seemed to have collected her thoughts, she stopped and faced the other woman.

_Lauren, I'm not sure I can do this. This whole… deaf thing. I tried, I really tried. But I'm so…. So worn out, so empty, so …lost. I have no idea where I belong in this world anymore. Ever since I was a little kid I knew that Broadway was my home. Music was my home, my life. But now… I don't have a life anymore, I don't have a home anymore._

Lauren got up and walked around the table to stand closer to Rachel. What she was going to say was important. It was not going to make it any easier for Rachel, but she had to understand and she needed absolute honesty. Slowly she lifted her hands and started signing.

_Rachel, no one said it was going to be easy. It's been a little over three years for me and I'm still struggling. Some days are better, some are worse. Slowly but surely I notice that the good days outnumber the bad ones. I completely understand where you are at the moment. I've been there. But you have the great advantage of having such wonderful friends, of having found love, even, to help you through all this. It took me a long time to find friends, besides the two I mentioned before. Even now my former best friend only knows how to sign rudimentarily and most of my family doesn't even bother at all._

She looked at Rachel with imploring eyes.

_I can only guess how hard it must be for you coming from the show business, being a star on Broadway even. If I still miss just listening to music, I cannot begin to understand how you must feel in that regard. But I know one thing. You need to find another purpose in your life. And I know that from there on, it will get better. But until you do, I will not let you off the hook. Neither I nor your other friends, I'm sure. Do you understand that?_

She grabbed Rachel by the arms and held her firmly, forcing her to look her in the eyes.

Lauren meant every word she had said.

She totally understood where Rachel was. But she also knew that she needed people who kept her going. Because Rachel Berry was not finished with the world yet and Lauren would do anything to make that clear to her new friend.

Lauren repeated her question when she did not receive an answer.

_Do you understand that?_

Rachel shook her head and lifted her shoulders _. Why? Why do you care so much? You hardly know me._

_Why does it matter how long you know someone to care? I see how hard you are struggling with your situation. I have been there. I can help you get through this. You just have to let me help you. Me and your other friends. And Quinn._

Rachel flinched at the name.

_Well, my other friends…_ Again Rachel shook her head and then laid her cards on the table. _I broke up with Quinn._

"You what?" Lauren was too stunned to sign. After a moment she lifted her hands.

_Why? What happened? Jesus, no wonder you look so distraught._

Lauren guided her friend back to the table.

After sipping some tea, Rachel told Lauren what she had experienced during her days at home and what had finally led to her running away from the school grounds.

The dark haired woman studied her for a long time after she had finished. She knew for herself how hard it was to get used to not being able to hear in a hearing world, but she could not fathom how difficult it must have been for Rachel.

It was brave of her that she had stayed at the reunion in the beginning, and it was wonderful that her friends had thought of the _Imagine_ song.

But she admitted that she could understand that Rachel ran away later. It was only natural to take yourself out of situations that would just drain all your energy, leaving you frustrated, exhausted and hurt.

Leaving Quinn though, despite her profession, was something else entirely. You just couldn't ignore your heart. No matter how hard or difficult the circumstances, the longing and the love would not give you any peace.

Lauren had been surprised when she got to know Rachel's friends and girlfriend. She did not see it often that people were so committed to someone and adapted to someone's need to such a degree. They had been very considerate and gently with Rachel. They had nudged her just to the right degree, but still thought about how she could enjoy the evening as well.

After all this, did Rachel really want to shut herself off from the hearing world as much as possible now? Lauren had a few friends who did that, who did not have any contact with hearing people, who worked in the deaf community, who had deaf friends and family members. It was a closed system and worked well on its own, but made it so much more difficult for them if they had to break out of their close knit circle.

She asked Rachel how she and Quinn had met and after hesitating shortly Rachel told her the whole story, starting with high school and finishing with the Glee Club meeting. Somehow it was not as painful as it was a relief to tell the whole story to someone who didn't know her and Quinn from before.

_Wow, Rachel, that sounds like a story out of the soap opera digest,_ Lauren commented at one point.

Rachel smiled sadly. _Tell the writers to find a better ending, ok?_ She countered.

_Rachel, honestly, I mean, it's all your decision, but I have never – never – met anyone who was so committed, in love and willing to adapt to someone who is deaf as Quinn. I get the whole thing about her being a singer on Broadway. This must be really hard for you. But leaving that aside, will you throw everything that your heart desires away? Will you rather suffer in more pain and loneliness than necessary? You should re-think that decision._

Rachel slowly moved her head from left to right. "No." _No. I have been thinking about this the past month._

_Ok, then tell me that you did not have one good moment at Quinn's concert. Or at the club. Or at the museum or when you two spend time together. I don't buy that, Rachel. And don't tell me it would have all been better if you could hear. Yeah, I get that. But you don't have that choice. You have to face what is real. And reality is that you are deaf._

Lauren pronounced each sign slowly and deliberately. She almost expected Rachel to flinch.

_You have come to the point where you notice that there will not be any further improvements. That you will have to make do with what you've got now. Sign language, feeling sounds, reading lips, reading body languages, getting lost in large groups and missing out on a lot of things._

_I know it is hard. But you have so many people around you who care, who pull you along at your own speed; that is a rare gift Rachel. I've said it before, it was much harder for me to find friends again, and it took me a lot longer to let myself be loved again by another person. Max was pretty frustrated in the beginning. Ask him, if you have a chance._

Rachel wanted to say something, but Lauren held up her hand.

_Rachel, I'm not saying it is easy. But it will get better. And hiding yourself in the deaf world, trying to ignore anything else that is out there, will only let you live half a life. Don't get me wrong. For some people it might just be the best and I don't judge that, but you…_ She paused for a moment. _… you belong out there. You are home in both worlds, just as I am. We might have to perceive it differently now, but we still belong into both worlds. Don't deny yourself that right. And don't ever deny yourself love._

Rachel closed her eyes. She felt her heart beating as if it was telling her to truly listen to those words.

She knew she would never love someone as much as Quinn. But the source of that love was also the source of her greatest pain. It was not something that Quinn had done, it was just the circumstances they were caught in.

But wasn't it just that? If she loved Quinn and she was sure she loved her back just as much, how could they not battle all the odds together? She had only come this far because she had the support and love that gave her the strength.

Right. But what did her love give Quinn? Quinn was strong and independent. She had such a fierce determination, that she could master anything. She did not need her love as much as Rachel had needed it over the past months.

Slowly she opened her eyes.

_I get that, Lauren. I really do. But, I don't know, I just don't see…. I just don't know how I can be of any use for Quinn. I can't support her and I can't …_ She sighed.

Lauren threw her hands into the air.

_Really, Rachel? I know it is uncomfortable and hard and exhausting fighting against all the disappointments that come with being deaf. Yours are particularly hard since your whole career depended on it. Yes, it might be easier to adapt in an office environment maybe. But every one of us has to fight his or her demons. If you start hiding, you will just put some to rest while others will knock at your door. You will not rid yourself of all the problems by ignoring them. And I am sure you know enough reasons in your heart why your love is important for Quinn._

The brunette was quiet for a long time. Then she whispered: "I don't know what to do," adding with her hands: _I'm so confused_.

Lauren got up and pulled Rachel from her chair into a hug. Then she told her:

_Don't try to_ _analyze_ _it anymore for today. Sleep on it for a night. Sometimes things sort themselves out or you are given a new_ _perspective_ _. Let it go for a short while!_

Rachel nodded. This seemed like the best advice, because all that thinking did not bring her anywhere.

The two young women spent almost the whole day together, watching movies, talking about books they have read and discussing their favorite actors. Rachel was well aware that Lauren tried to help her keeping her mind off things and was very grateful for that. Her mind kept wandering back to the topic at hand, but Rachel forced herself every time to focus back on the actual moment.

In between two movies they ordered Pizza for a late lunch and munched on unhealthy snacks the entire afternoon. Lauren explained to Rachel that this was her after Christmas and before New Year's ritual. On those days she allowed herself to eat whatever and how much she wanted. Rachel had to laugh at that and felt at that moment that it was indeed comforting.

When Rachel finally left in the early evening, she felt a little better. At home she grabbed the last book she was reading and let herself be pulled into the story until she could not keep her eyes open anymore. She needed to let Lauren's words sink in. It had felt so good to talk to someone who could really relate, who had gone through the same ordeal as she. It had taken some of the pressure; she had felt during the past weeks. It had been a pressure she had put herself under, no one else. She had wanted to learn fast and get back into the stream of life. She had not wanted to let her desperations get a hold of her again. Now in retrospect she noticed that the more she had tried to push it away, the more energy it had cost until she finally could not rein it in.

Had she talked about it, had she acknowledged that it was still normal to fell set-backs and disappointments, her reaction towards Quinn probably would not have been as harsh.

She had used Quinn as her vent and that had been very unjustified.

… … …

Quinn paced the floor of her apartment. Santana was worried that she would walk a hole into the wooden boards. Watching her friend like that made her tense and edgy. One minute Quinn would sit down, only to jump up again at the next. It made the Latina dizzy just watching her.

She had tried to get Quinn out of the house, just to distract her, but so far she had not been successful. She wondered what was going on in the blonde's head.

Quinn did not notice the worried looks from her roommate. All her attention revolved around the past days. She tried to find out what went wrong and when, as if she could change it once she would find the exact moment the whole thing had started to fall apart. Again and again the last days replayed in her mind. And she could not find an answer. Yes, sure, the Glee Club meeting had triggered it all, but there must have been something before that. And why had Rachel not talked to her? Why? And why had she not noticed?

Besides all the confusion, Quinn could not even be angry at Rachel. She was hurt, yes. She was lost beyond means. But she could not be angry, because every time she felt the anger rise, a scene from her past appeared before her inner eye.

Had she not done the same all those years ago? She had also pushed Rachel out of her life and for much lesser reasons, it seemed. It made her own actions feel even more ridiculous in retrospect.

She wanted to reach out to Rachel so much, but was sure the other woman did not want any contact with her. That had been clear.

Quinn just hoped that in time she would be able to at least get to talk to her again. And that this time was soon.

"What would you do if Rachel asked you to take her back? Would you go back to her?"

Quinn looked up with a jerk of her head. Santana's question pulled her out of her musings. She had totally forgotten that the Latina was still sitting at the table, watching her pace back and forth.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Well, would you?" Santana asked.

Quinn thought about it for a moment. "I… I" The words would not come out of her mouth, which surprised her. What let her hesitate so much? It was all she ever wanted, all she had ever thought about the past forty-eight hours.

Finally she whispered: "I love Rachel more than anything, but I'm not sure if I could survive another break up, if she decided to come back to me and then, I don't know… she would realize that maybe nothing has changed and she would be gone for good. I mean, I can understand her so much, at least in the limited way that is possible for me. I can feel for her in a certain way. But I'm just so afraid that we won't manage to work out our problems, that we won't be able to make _us_ work. I can't change my profession, as much as I love Rachel; I love my job as well. Not that she would want me to give it up, but…."

"Quinn, Quinn! Calm down a bit. It's ok. I understand. I have had the same thoughts over and over regarding me and Brittany. Would I want to be back with her? Maybe. The happy times, yes, those I want. But I'm also afraid that we would end up at the same point as before, not being able to find another way around or through all our problems."

Quinn stared at her hands and whispered: "I know."

Both women were quiet for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Quinn asked a question that had occupied her for a while now.

"Is that why you had not much contact with Jenna, lately? Because of Brit?"

"Yeah, well, that and because I really like her." Santana answered, shooting a look at her friend that clearly told her that she did not want to discuss this any further. But Quinn did not care.

"So what now? Do you think you'll ever get over it? You sounded so happy when you got to know Jenna, what happened now that made you doubt all this now?"

"Just a little talk I had with Rachel. I'm not sure if it would be fair to use Jenna as a distraction. I meant as I've said before, I really like her a lot, but I'm not sure if I could commit myself a hundred percent. And that would not be fair. Hell, I don't know!" She threw her arms up. "God, we are such a fucked up group of love birds. We have it and then we don't. It's right in front of our noses and still we all don't get to grab it. Or if we have it we don't get to hold it for longer. Fuck."

"Right. Fuck."

Again both women stayed silent for a moment.

After a while, when Santana felt like she could not stand any longer to be cooped up in the apartment, she tried to coax her friend out of the house again but the blonde only shook her head.

Santana sighed.

"Quinn," she got up from her seat and stood in Quinn's way, forcing her to look at her. "You're gonna put on some shoes and you're gonna go for a run with me now."

"No, I don't..."

"Quinn, shut up and move your skinny ass towards you bedroom door, I mean it! If I have to watch you a minute longer walking through this apartment like a tiger in a cage, almost burning a hole in the floor with your fast pacing, I'm gonna get crazy. Now, move it!"

Quinn knew that any counter-argumentation would be shamelessly over-ruled when Santana had _that_ tone in her voice. Grumbling, she trudged into her bedroom and put on some sweat pants and her running shoes. If she really exhausted herself, maybe her fucking head would stop worrying for a while.

Santana had to stop Quinn twice from grabbing her bag to drive to Rachel's apartment that day. This whole Rachel "I need time" thing gave Quinn a sick feeling. The longer she waited the more they distanced themselves from each other.

As if reading her thoughts, the Latina grabbed Quinn's arm and pulled her out of the door.

The two women jogged for half an hour before it started snowing again. They turned around and took the direct route back to their building. On the way there Quinn knew she would not survive another day like that at home. She had thought that she would not be able to work, but anything was better than waiting for a text message or an e-mail that would probably not come.

She did not know how she was supposed to live like that. It felt like her whole life had been ripped apart from one second to the other. She never had felt so miserable in her whole life, not even when her parents chased her out of the house during her pregnancy.

Going back to work was her only option, but playing out the love scenes would not be easy. The only consolation was that her character died in the end. Something Quinn felt like she could relate to. She did not feel much alive either right now.

The singer called her director John Gertz and managed to convince him that the "family crisis" was handled sooner than expected and that she could go back to her original schedule the next day.

She just hoped that her face would not betray her words. She looked like shit and felt like it. And her colleagues would probably notice it too, but she didn't care.

He agreed and Quinn was back on the show the next evening.

She spent more time at the theater than it was necessary, dreading to get back to her apartment and all the memories of Rachel. The brunette still had some of her things there, like clothes and cosmetics. Quinn knew that eventually Rachel would want them back, same as with her stuff at Rachel's place, but she just could not face it yet. This would be like another door closing.

… … …

The next three days went by in a blur. Quinn just functioned. She went to work, did her shows and tried to not imagine Rachel standing there watching her like all those weeks ago.

The actress knew she was not in her best condition, but she tried hard to work through every show and to give the audience what they expected. The more she drained herself on stage, the easier it was to fall into an exhausted sleep later and stop her mind from reeling.

New Year's Eve came and Santana did not manage to convince Quinn to go out and party, not even for a little while. So she bought some bottles of wine and decided to get drunk with her friend at home. Not her best plan for a New Year's celebration, but under the circumstances she did not want to leave Quinn to start the new year by herself. Maybe she could go out a little later.

At twelve they stood at the window and watched some of the fireworks illuminate the sky outside. It had not taken much for Quinn to feel the effect of the alcohol. She had hardly eaten over the past days. After two glasses of wine she felt really light headed and half a glass later she had troubles controlling her tongue. Santana had downed one more glass and also had problems getting the words out right.

"Happy fucking new year," Quinn slurred, raising her glass in a toast.

Santana knocked her glass clumsily against her friend's and toasted back: "Right. Fucking happy... Happy fucking..."

Then she started giggling.

"Whasso funny?" Quinn wanted to know.

Santana shook her head. "Nothing, just what I sssaid. Wish I had sssomeone I could do that with." She turned and leaned her back against the window sill, facing her friend.

Quinn shook her head. "Don't even think aboudid."

The Latina looked indignantly at the blonde. "What? Oh, you think I wanned...oh, god no Quinn, nononono. You weeeeere good, I grant you that, but not _that_ good!" Santana waved with the hand that was holding the wine glass and some wine sloshed over the rim, wetting her fingers.

"Shit." She turned her arm and licked her fingers dry, making slurping sounds.

Quinn crunched up her nose. "Ugh, you're gross! Stop doing that."

Santana got the mischievous look back on her face. "Why? You wanna do it?"

Quinn sighed. "Shut up, Santana."

"Man, this new year sssucks big time. Q, we had already better celebrations. Either I'll go out to have some more fun – or …" she pointed with her wine glass towards her room, "… I'll go to bed now."

Quinn placed her glass on the windowsill. "Whatever you do, I don't care. I'm wasted and I'll go to sleep. You should better catch some sleep too, dontcha have to work tomorrow?"

"Ugh, damn. Bitch of a boss that put a date in my diary on the friggin' first of Jan." Then Santana remembered. "Hehe. But only at three in the afternoon. That gives me fooour more hours to paaaaaaaaardy!" She raised her arms and made a swaying movement with her hips, bumping into Quinn who stumbled against the windowsill, knocking down her glass in the process.

"Santana, just go, 'kay? Before you ran… ransack my place, go destroy someone else's."

"Wait." The blonde took a big glass of water and placed it into her friend's hand. Then she gulped down one herself. Santana made a face at the non-alcoholic drink, but swallowed the half of the glass anyway. It made her feel a little more in control of her speech, she had to admit. Washing down two handful of potato chips with the rest, she felt like she was ready to go.

"Ya really don't wanna come with me?"

Quinn shook her head. "No. Have fun!" And she made a dismissive motion with her hand.

Santana stood there for a moment, looking at her friend as if contemplating that leaving her alone tonight would not be the best service of friendship.

"Santana, go, I'll be okay, really." Quinn tried to convince her, interpreting the look on her face correctly.

"'kay." With one last look the Latina turned, placed her now empty glass on the table and went to her room. She refreshed her make-up, changed her clothes and grabbed her bag.

"I'll be at the club, if ya wanna come later…"

"Don't think so, but have fun."

Santana waved with one last look at Quinn and left.

All alone, Quinn decided she needed to sober up. Feeling drunk and lonely did not increase her good mood. She cleaned up the mess of her spilled wine and made herself a coffee. Then she forced herself to drink more water and to eat a slice of toast.

That seemed to help. She felt less foggy in her brain.

Drinking another glass of water, she decided she needed some fresh air. She did not feel as tired anymore, probably the effect of the coffee. Her stomach grumbled again, but thinking about food just made her throat close up. Quinn knew that she would have to start eating regularly again; otherwise she would not be able to manage her stressful schedule. Just now she couldn't fathom downing any more solid food.

Grabbing some warm clothes she braced herself against the cold.

… … …

Rachel was not sure what she wanted to do on New Year's Eve. Part of her wanted to be alone, crawl into bed and sleep right through the fireworks. She wouldn't wake up from the noise, anyway.

She had envisioned celebrating the New Year completely different. She wanted to celebrate with friends, with Quinn. Go to Time Square; watch the ball being dropped… from afar at least. She was not too fond of the big crowd there, but always loved watching the spectacle from a little further away.

Well, not this year.

Puck and Kurt had both invited her to their respective celebrations, but she had politely declined.

God, why was life so complicated?

Instead of an answer, a different thought popped up.

She realized that there would probably also be difficulties she – or they would have to face even if she would still be able to hear. Certainly there would be. Maybe Quinn's and her schedules would have clashed, maybe one or the other career move would have caused a fight, maybe they would not have been able to appreciate each other as much as she thought, because both of them would have been so incredibly busy… But no matter what, Rachel was sure they would have gotten through all this, they would have found a solution to make it work.

So why was it so difficult for her now?

Lauren was right.

Even if she hid herself away from the hearing world, it would not change a thing about her hearing – or lack thereof. And it would not change her dreams and neither her heart.

Lauren had asked her to come to a party with her and Max. There was a mixed group of hearing and deaf people and Rachel was tempted to go. She gave herself a push and told herself that if she did not like it or if she felt uncomfortable, she could just leave again.

Rachel arrived at the party a little after nine. Lauren and her boyfriend Max were already there, which relieved her immensely. Max was funny and smart, never talking himself too seriously. Rachel liked him instantly.

Over the course of the evening they introduced her to a couple of other people who seemed also nice and were interested in getting to know her.

One of Max's hearing friends even recognized her from a Broadway show and complimented her on her performance. Lauren held her breath at their friend's comment, but Rachel recovered smoothly after a second and just thanked the guy for the compliment.

Max smiled at her and started signing.

_I listened to the soundtrack of Funny girl. You really have a great voice._

Rachel was surprised. _How do you know?_

Max chuckled. _I might have trouble understanding normal conversations, but with headphones and the music cranked up really high, I get a good idea of what I'm hearing._ _I really liked your voice._

"Oh".

_Sorry, I didn't want to be insensitive._

Rachel took a deep breath. _It's ok, and thank you for the compliment,_ she smiled.

Apparently the topic did not let go of her. Not even around deaf friend. Which was … weird in a way. Not weird, but … unexpected, somehow. She almost had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Staying away from her hearing friends – only to be addressed about her voice twice when being with her deaf friend was really ironic.

She belatedly noticed Max signing to her.

_Do you want another drink?_

Rachel nodded and Max went off to the kitchen.

Lauren just looked at her and raised an eyebrow as if to say: _see, you can't really hide_.

Then she added signing: _Appreciate your past and don't hide from it. Even though it is really hard to have a girlfriend who is a singer, don't push it away, embrace it as a chance to keep music close to your heart. Take everything as it comes, Rachel. Every minute, every day, one at a time. And accept things like that for what they are. Compliments are compliments and not something to hurt you._

Rachel gazed into her friend's eyes which openly and honestly looked at her.

_Can't help it anyway, can I?_ She then answered Lauren's comment.

_Only if you lock yourself in a closet for the rest of your life,_ Lauren signed back and chuckled.

"Right." And just then Rachel managed to smile back, feeling Lauren's words from three days ago slowly finding their way into her heart.

Max returned with their drinks and two other friend's in his wake that he met. They rapidly engaged in a conversation. It was new for Rachel to be involved in a discussion with more than one person signing. Soon she realized that it was not much different from a hearing conversation, though. Just with raising your voice, you had to raise your hands if you wanted to contribute something. Even if two people signed at the same time, she was able to follow most of it, as long as they stood close to each other. As it was easier if only one person signed, though, they mostly waited until one was finished before the next commented.

The party was nice against her expectations and it was refreshing getting to know other deaf or hearing impaired people.

But as much as she appreciated the distraction, she could not completely forget. Her mind kept wandering back to Quinn.

What was she doing right now? How was she celebrating? Was she celebrating at all?

The carousel in Rachel's mind started turning more and more until she bade her friends good-bye shortly after midnight.

… … …

Rachel decided to walk home. Luckily, Lauren's friends, where the party took place, did not live that far away. Rachel did not feel like taking the subway and cabs where hard to get at that time. Some people she met on the street wished her a happy new year, some very loudly and very drunk, judging from their body language and facial expression, while some apparently had managed to hold their liquor, nodding at her politely.

The three words "happy new year" were not hard to read from people's lips. She automatically answered with the same greeting and was glad when she finally reached her home.

Quickly she discarded her clothes and got ready for bed, hoping for sleep to erase some of her thoughts from her brain. But sleep would not come as easily as she had hoped.

Rachel lay on her bed, staring out of the dark window at the lights of the city. Her brain felt like a ship being tossed around by huge waves, because of all the thoughts that came crushing through her head.

Kurt's, Lauren's and Quinn's words replayed over and over again in her head.

She wanted her mind to be silent for a while, she couldn't hear herself think.

After the eventful past days she felt the consequences slowly sinking in.

Had she been too rash in her actions?

At the Glee Club meeting she had felt so overwhelmed with her feelings. The pain had been so strong that she couldn't do anything against it. It had hit her with such a force that she felt absolutely powerless to fight against it. Now, after the shock of her own actions and reactions had ebbed away, a feeling of shame slowly washed over her.

There were so many people to help her, to support her, to show her that she was not alone, to show her their love. And all she had done was push them away.

Again.

How could she ever ask them for forgiveness? How could she ever ask Quinn to forgive her?

Rachel grabbed a pillow and slowly rolled herself into a ball, hugging the soft fabric in the futile hopes it would comfort her somehow.

She knew that only one person could. And she knew that this one person probably would not accept her apology. Not after the way she had behaved and not after the words she had thrown at Quinn.

The pain about her hearing loss was still there and it was still real, but nothing hurt as much as losing Quinn. How could she have deliberately pushed away the only person, the one reason that had made her happy? Who had helped her out of her dark mood, who had shown to her that life was still worthwhile?

She sat up, taking the phone into her hand, her fingers poised over Quinn's contact to send her a message.

However, Rachel could not find the courage to write anything. She did not know how to start, how to apologize and how to explain.

After an endless moment she placed the device back on the night stand and continued to stare out of the window until she could not keep her eyes open anymore.

… … …

Something woke Rachel up in the middle of the night. She opened her eyes and wondered what time it was when she felt the buzzing of her phone on the night stand and saw the display light up.

Interesting how her body had attuned to the smallest vibrations and visual cues by now, even in her sleep. In the past she probably would not even have _heard_ her phone ringing. She had always been a sound sleeper. But ever since her body had to adjust to using the smallest hints and other senses to make up for her hearing loss, even such small things like her phone buzzing in the middle of the night would alert her now.

Groggily she extended a hand and pulled the phone closer. She didn't recognize the number. Since she couldn't pick it up anyway, she let it ring through. Let the mailbox pick it up.

In very short intervals the phone started going off again. That was weird. Rachel sat up and felt her heart starting to beat faster. Hopefully there was nothing wrong with her dads.

Again she looked at the number. It was a local New York number, but she didn't recognize the extension behind it. Finally the caller seemed to leave a message on her mailbox which she was able to run through her software.

Probably just someone wanting to wish her a happy new year.

* * *


	52. Chapter 52

**I still don't own Glee, not even after 52 chapters, sigh.**

**Thanks to Devin Jaste and TheIrishGilmore for the talks and discussions, they always help to spark ideas!**

* * *

**Chapter 52**

Rachel sighed. Her curiosity took over and then turned into dread. Most people she was in contact with now knew that she was deaf. So none of them would actually _call_ her. And even _if_ someone would have called just to wish her a happy new year, they most probably would have left a message at the first call.

Quickly she accessed her transcription software. She could have also tried to call back the number and root it though an interpretation line. This way an interpreter would call the respective number – or forward a person calling to her and would interpret the conversation. But you needed a camera in order to see each other for this to work. In the middle of the night Rachel was not inclined to turn on her computer.

Finally the message flickered across her phone's screen.

She had to read it twice.

And then her heart almost stopped.

Rachel stared at the phone in her hand. She needed to read the message again before she truly understood what it said.

_This is Claire Evans from the medical emergency center of the Beth Israel Medical Center on First Avenue at 16th Street, New York. Your number has been listed as the emergency contact for Ms Quinn Fabray. Please contact us as soon as possible._

Finally it registered.

With the realization a feeling of panic and shock took hold of her.

Various thoughts and questions raced through Rachel's mind as shejumped out of bed with a jolt and grabbed the next best clothes she could find. She was sure she had never been so fast to get dressed. She grabbed her bag and flew down the stairs.

Outside she was startled by a flashing light from above, remembering belatedly that it was still the night of New Year's Eve. Apparently some people still had not had enough of the fireworks at three o'clock in the morning.

As luck would have it, an empty cab approached her at the next crossing and she sent a prayer skywards as thanks. Finding a cab on the night of all nights in New York City was almost impossible.

She gave the driver the address and he sped along the streets as fast as possible, apparently sensing her urgency. While they drove through the streets, Rachel had a moment to take a deep breath and to collect her thoughts.

She had not started thinking clearly until then. She had just acted on instinct. Her heart was still beating fast and her stomach felt like a tight ball. She wondered shortly why Quinn still had her as contact person in case of an emergency, but then figured that she probably had not come around to change the number.

Quinn had made it a habit of carrying a little card with contact details with her at all times. It was something her mom had taught her and her sister at an early age. Somehow Quinn had never given up on that precaution.

Rachel had asked her why she had her as contact person even though she would not be able to pick up the phone if someone called her. Quinn had shrugged and said that she was sure Rachel would get the right information when needed and she wanted her to be the first person to know. Just to make sure and at Rachel's urging, she had added Santana's number as well.

Hopefully they would have tried to reach Santana as well.

The lights of the streets flew by her window as Rachel stared out into the night.

No matter what stood between her and Quinn, the sudden possibility that she might never – NEVER - see her again, scared Rachel beyond anything she had ever felt. She tried to ignore the unavoidable thoughts of regret, of wasting her time reasoning her stupid actions while she could have spent it with the person she loved most on this earth.

Rachel almost laughed at the irony of it all. She had been selfish enough to push Quinn away, to tell her that she needed time alone and that she could not be with her. And now, at the prospect of maybe never having a chance to apologize for her mistakes, for her behavior and mean words – even though she would not expect Quinn to take her back after what she had done – she felt like all her walls were crumbling down and her heart showed her how strongly she _did_ care.

She had never stopped loving Quinn, but her heart reminded her vehemently again now that all the right reasons were just plainly wrong sometimes. Reasons were often made up by your mind, but the truth, the real truth, often lay in your heart.

Just the pure fact that she was racing towards the hospital without ever stopping once to try to figure out what to do, told her enough about her own truth. But why the hell did it always take such drastic events for people to remind them of what was truly important? Why had she not been able to reach her own truth in her heart before? Instead she had gotten lost in her old patterns of self-pity and hate and sadness.

She tried to not fall into a panicky state, she needed to stay calm in order to find out what had happened and if and how she could help Quinn. And she needed to keep her wits together in order to get people to communicate with her in a way that she could understand.

The car hardly stopped when Rachel already pulled the door open, handed the driver the money without waiting for her change and sped off towards the entrance.

Inside, she pulled out her pad and looked for the information desk. Luckily it was still occupied, despite the time and day. Rachel took a deep breath, trying to collect herself. It would not help if she started ranting in panic, not being able to understand the answer from the woman who sat behind the counter.

She approached the woman and briefly stated her name and why she was here. The lady was polite enough to write her answer for Rachel down once she learned of her deafness, which Rachel had explained quickly in her introduction. She directed the brunette towards the emergency center where Quinn apparently had been admitted roughly half an hour ago. Rachel thanked the other woman quickly, gathered her writing utensils and took off down the hallway and through the indicated doors.

The emergency center was not as busy as she had anticipated. Either it was because of the special night or because it was one of the lucky New York days where people did not try to kill or hurt each other as much.

Looking around, Rachel found the nurse's desk and went through the same motion as with the woman outside. Waiting for the nurse to check her admittance list, she scanned the area and noticed a male nurse pushing out a bed from one of the emergency bays. That in itself was not unusual; what caught Rachel's attention was the blond hair and the familiar features on the white sheets.

Her heart skipped a beat. Leaving the startled nurse at the desk, she sprinted after them as they headed towards the elevators.

"Please, wait!" She managed to catch up with them and caught a better look at the woman lying on the sheets.

"Quinn." It was hardly more than a whisper. Rachel quickly stepped around the nurse and placed the back of her fingers on Quinn's right cheek, hardly daring to touch her. She looked so pale and fragile.

The blonde had her eyes closed and seemed unconscious. On the right side of her forehead was a large bluish bruise. There was an IV drip attached to her left hand.

"Oh my god, my god, what happened?" Forcing herself to tear her eyes away from the pale features she looked at the nurse.

"… relative?"

Rachel guess the guy asked her of her relation to Quinn.

"Please, tell me what is wrong with her, she's … my girlfriend. What happened?"

Rachel was desperately clinging to the man's lips while she pulled out her pad and a pen. He said something else, ready to hurry off. It was impossible to read anything from his lips as he had turned his head already towards the elevators.

"Can you please write down what you were saying? I... can't hear."

He looked at her again, then at the pad. He grabbed her pen and impatiently wrote a very short, non-descriptive information.

_Further examination because of head injury._

He handed her back the pad and added some spoken explanation, before he pushed the bed into the elevator and held up a hand to indicate that she was not allowed to follow them. The doors closed and left a distraught Rachel standing in the hallway. She had to swallow hard to not start crying.

Looking around she tried to identify the doctor who might have handled Quinn when she came in, but there was no one in sight at the bay where Quinn had been treated first. Probably they were already taking care of another patient.

She had never felt so alone and so helpless in her life except right after her own accident.

The person she cared most about was hurt and she was not even able to get the information of what exactly was wrong with her and where they were taking her. Though she was not sure if the unfriendly demeanor the nurse had displayed was because of her deafness or because she had mentioned the word girlfriend or that he was just in a hurry to deliver Quinn to the next examination. Whatever it was, she was still shocked at how bad Quinn had looked with her too pale skin and the big bruise on her head.

Rachel tried to stop the waves of desperation that heaved through her. It let her hands grow cold and numb. Slowly she lowered herself onto a chair nearby.

Desperately she tried to control her breathing in order to focus on what to do next. She couldn't let her panic take over.

She was _not_ helpless.

But she felt so utterly alone.

At least after her accident her parents had been at her bedside, but now there was no one. And she could not even call someone.

After this long time of depression, desperation and longing she finally found a small part of happiness again with the one person she held dearest in her life. And then she had pushed her happiness – their happiness – aside like an unwanted child. Because she thought that her pain and loss of hearing was more important to deal with than their love.

But there was not time to ponder on her own feelings and regrets now. She needed to focus on how to help Quinn, on how to find out what was wrong with her.

She needed an interpreter. Surely the hospital must have one for such cases. If not, maybe she could call Carmen. But it was New Year's eve, the likelihood of reaching anyone at that time of night was minimal. Well, she probably would have to manage on her own.

But she needed someone. She needed a friend. Someone who could tell her that everything would be fine. She felt a wave of panic rise again.

_Focus Rachel,_ she told herself. With shaking hands she tucked her hair behind her ears.

Kurt.

After they had last talked in Lima, Kurt had offered her to take back the train with him and Blaine, but they would have stayed longer in Lima than Rachel wanted to.

Back in New York, Kurt had skyped with Rachel twice to know how she was doing. Rachel had been glad that he cared so much, even Blain appeared for a couple of minutes on screen and let Kurt interpret for him. She was sure that they also had talked to Quinn, but she had not dared to ask about it. Kurt had told her about their Sylvester plans and had even invited her to come along. She had declined for obvious reasons which the two guys could understand. At least, Rachel knew that he and Blaine celebrated Sylvester in New York.

Rachel dug out her cell phone and dialed Kurt's number, not caring how weird it seemed that she tried to call a friend without being able to hear him. But her hands were shaking so hard that she was not able to type a coherent message. She stared at the screen and waited until it showed that the call was connected. She waited for a few more seconds and then tried to get her voice to work.

"Kurt… it's Rachel. Please, I …. I don't know if you are on the phone or if this is just the mailbox, … please…. I need you." She paused for a second trying to stifle the sobs. "Quinn was in an accident and I'm at the Beth Israel Medical Center on First Avenue and… they won't tell me anything. I mean, they told me something, but… but… I don't, I can't …" The sobs overwhelmed her again. "Please, can you come?"

Hoping that the message reached Kurt, she disconnected the call. She didn't dare to put the phone away in order to notice right away should Kurt send a text. Rachel placed it on her lap.

Belatedly she wondered if Santana already knew. Had they tried to reach her as well? Did she and Quinn not celebrate together? Or was she hurt as well?

Quickly Rachel sent an urgent message to the Latina. She informed her of the news she had received and asked her if she was ok and if so if she could meet her at the hospital.

As she sat there waiting for any of her friends to answer, she couldn't hold back her feelings. She was so afraid for Quinn. She bent forward and threw her hands in front of her face, trying to stifle the sobs.

Too late she thought she just could have asked someone to make the call to Kurt for her. But in her current state she was not able to think clearly a hundred percent. Besides, the desk at entrance had not been occupied, probably the nurse had to help out somewhere.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. Quinn needed her to… Rachel stopped at that thought. Did she really? Did Quinn really need her?

With all her strength she pushed the doubts aside. Whatever stood between them, had to wait.

All of a sudden Rachel felt a hand on her back, and sensed someone in front of her. She looked up and saw the nurse from the desk kneeling in front of her. Her lips were moving in a question, judging by her quizzical and concerned expression on her face.

Rachel managed to sit up a and took the offered tissue to wipe her eyes. She shook her head and managed an explanation.

"I… didn't understand what you were saying. I'm can't hear. My … girlfriend was just admitted." Rachel felt herself hesitate a second time at saying the word 'girlfriend'. It felt weird, but just saying "friend" did not seem right either.

"I don't know what is happening right now. They took her somewhere, but I didn't understand what the other nurse who took her said."

The other woman nodded and made a writing motion with her hand. Rachel stared blankly at her for a second until it registered.

Jesus, she needed to get her brain functioning properly again.

She took the pad and handed it to her. The nurse – Kayla Johnson, as her nametag indicated - sat next to her and wrote down.

_Can you tell me your name and the name of your girlfriend? Then I can try to find out where she is. Is there someone I can call for you?_

Rachel shook her head. "I already called my friend. Well, I tried. I'm not sure if he heard the message." Her eyes fell back to the paper and she answered the first question. "I'm Rachel Berry and I'm here for Quinn Fabray. She was brought in about forty minutes ago."

Rachel thought at hearing the two names the nurse had a spark of recognition cross her features. If so, she did not let on.

_Ok, let me check and I get back to you. Are you ok?_ The blonde woman scribbled on the paper.

Rachel just nodded and mustered a brave smile at the kind person in front of her. Belatedly she added:

"Could you also check for a Santana Lopez? I'm not sure if she was admitted also."

The nurse wrote something down again. _I don't think so, I believe your friend was admitted alone, but I will check anyway._

"Thank you!" She felt a hand lightly squeeze her shoulder as encouragement and watched the nurse disappear into a small glass covered office behind the reception desk a few feet away.

Rachel was surprised that she had taken the time to talk to her.

Looking around, the brunette noticed that two bays were empty and that some of the people who had been sitting on the other chairs around her had disappeared. That's probably why the nurse had had the time to check on her.

She must look like a mess. In her haste she had not even checked a mirror. Her dark hair fell in messy waves around her shoulders and her eyes were probably red from crying.

Rachel turned her attention back to her phone to see if Kurt had sent a message.

Indeed he did. She had been so caught up in her thoughts and in the talk with the nurse that she had not noticed her phone give off a short vibration on her legs.

Quickly she accessed the message. Even though it was just three words, they were the best ones she had read the whole day.

_On my way._

Rachel felt like crying again, this time out of relief. Feeling a little calmer she managed to type her answer.

_Thank you Kurt, thank you! Can you try_   
_to reach Santana and tell her that we_   
_are at the hospital? I already sent a message,_   
_but she did not answer yet. Not sure_   
_where she is or if she was admitted as well._

After sending the text she thought that someone needed to inform Quinn's mom as well, but decided to wait until she had more information. Across the distance Ms. Fabray would not be able to do anything anyway and it was better if they could provide her with more solid information.

Rachel tried to wait patiently for Kayla to return with any news. She turned in her seat so that she had the nurse's desk and the emergency entrance in her view.

When the other woman finally returned, she handed Rachel a paper. Eagerly the brunette soaked up the words.

_There is no Santana Lopez listed and Ms. Fabray was admitted alone._

Rachel was relieved to read that. This still did not answer the question where Santana was, but hopefully she would read Rachel's message soon, or better yet, Kurt would reach her. She read on.

_Your girlfriend was taken to get x-rays and an MRT done to check for inner injuries or broken bones. She's currently still in the MRT. So far, the X-rays did not show anything broken. She just has some badly bruised ribs and she has twisted her left arm. But she is still unconscious and they are not sure how bad the head injury she obtained is. This is what they are currently checking on now. I'll get a call when they are done._

Rachel felt nurse Kayla's eyes on her while she read the words over and over.

No broken bones that was good, wasn't it? But that she was still unconscious worried Rachel immensely. This could mean anything and did not help to put her at ease.

Good Lord, was this just history repeating?

She herself had suffered a severe head injury, now Quinn as well. Scenarios started to build in her head when the kind face of the nurse appeared in her field of vision. She gently took Rachel's pad out of her hands and scribbled something down.

_Your friend does not have any injury that showed up on the x-ray, not even on her skull and that is a good sign. She probably suffered a heavy concussion that causes her to still be unconscious. Let's just hope that there won't be any complications. I'm sure after a couple of days she will be fine again._

Rachel peered into the blue eyes in front of her, trying to gauge the sincerity. The young nurse, Rachel judged her to be in her mid-thirties conveyed a confidence with her words, that she was inclined to believe her.

She nodded. "Ok, thank you so much. Do you think I can see her later?"

_Let's wait until I know more, then I see what I can do, ok? If she will be in intensive care usually only relatives or spouses are allowed to visit. But if you are her emergency contact and her family is too far away to visit right now, I'm sure they will let you in._

_Is someone coming to stay with you?_

Rachel nodded again. "Yes, my friend texted me that he was on his way."

_Good. If you need anything, let me know._

"Thank you," Rachel managed with a small, but grateful smile.

With a friendly nod the nurse handed Rachel the pad, before turning back to her station.

Thanks to the effort and the warm words Rachel already felt a tiny bit better. She was so grateful for the nurse to have taken the time to talk to her and explain what was going on.

The doors at the other end of the hallway burst open and with a searching look Kurt entered. His gaze fell on Rachel and he quickly ran up to her to hug her.

_What happened? How is she? Do you know anything?_ His hand quickly flew through the air once the two friends released each other again.

Rachel explained to him what she had learned and he hugged her again, then they sat down on the chairs. Now that Kurt was there, Rachel felt so relieved that the tears started to fall again.

"God Kurt, I'm so glad you could come! I'm so scarred!"

_I know._ Kurt rubbed her arm for comfort.

"What will I do Kurt? What will I do if I never get the chance to talk to her?"

_Rachel calm down, ok? The nurse was optimistic that Quinn will be fine again, let's just wait and see what the MRT says about her head injury._

"Yes," she sniffed, and then gazed at the big wall clock over the entrance. "How did you get here so fast?"

Rachel looked closer at her friend and noticed that he was not wearing one of his usual outfits, but just a pair of jeans and a "normal" sweater she thought to have seen on Blaine before.

_Took a cab. We just got home when you called me. Well, we_ were _already at home and uh, getting undressed._

This comment caused an eyebrow to crawl up on Rachel's forehead in an unspoken question.

_Yes, well, that kind of "undress". Anyway, my phone rang and normally I would not have answered, but seeing your name on the display knowing that you would never really_ call _me, raised all alarms. After I heard your message I grabbed the next best clothes, which_ , he looked down on himself, _were apparently Blaine's_. _I told him to stay at home, hope that was ok? Thought that three worrying people would be enough._

"Three?"

_I reached Santana. She's on her way here. Pulled her out of party. Could hardly understand her, it was so loud at that place. I'm still wondering how she heard her phone._

Rachel waved her phone lightly "Uhm, vibration alarm?"

_Right._

"Wonder why she was not with Quinn."

_She told me that Quinn and she celebrated a bit at home. Quinn apparently had refused to go to any party. When she wanted to go to bed shortly after midnight, Santana decided to go out._

"But what happened then to Quinn? And who found her?"

_Let me ask the nurse._

Rachel watched Kurt make his way over to the nurse's desk. After a short conversation he smiled and turned back towards her.

He started signing while walking. _She said that a neighbor had called nine-one-one, that's all she knows._

"A neighbor? Jesus, what happened, did she fall down the stairs? Was she robbed? What?"

Kurt shrugged. _I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait until Quinn can tell us herself._

"If she can tell us."

_Rachel, don't imagine worst case scenarios, ok? We don't know anything yet._

She just nodded and leaned her head against her friend's shoulder. Kurt placed an arm around her for comfort.

A moment later the nurse came towards them. She had written the message down even though she had noticed Kurt communicate in sign language with Rachel.

Rachel took the offered paper and smiled gratefully at the woman, before she started reading. Kurt received the verbal version of the news.

_Ms. Fabray is now on the fourth floor, room two, right opposite the nurse's station. She is not in intensive care, because the MRT luckily showed not internal bleeding or swelling of the brain. She just has a concussion from the fall. If all goes well and she does not develop complications overnight, she should hopefully wake up soon. She is under constant supervision, but since it is not intensive care, you may visit her for a very short while. Once she is awake, she will have to be awake for about twenty-four hours to make sure she's fine. I informed the station nurse that you'd come up._

Rachel looked up, with tears of relief in her eyes. "Thank you, thank you so much Ms. Johnson. You have been a great help. And thank you for your consideration." She waved the paper slightly. "God, I'm so relieved, I…" words failed her as she tried to get her feelings under control.

Quinn would be all right. She had no severe injuries, thank God!

Looking at Kurt, the other woman asked him to interpret for her.

"You're welcome. And call me Kayla. Ms. Johnson sounds strange," she smiled. "Well, good luck for you and Ms Fabray. And for what it's worth, I do hope you will have a happy new year."

Rachel nodded and smiled. "I hope so, too. The same for you."

The both walked towards the public elevators and rode up to the fourth floor. The hallway was empty as they made their way towards the nurse's station. The woman behind the desk looked up.

"You must be the two Kayla sent up from the emergency room." Kurt nodded and interpreted for Rachel.

"Well, one of you can go in, but don't take too long."

"How is she?" Rachel asked anxiously.

"Still unconscious, but her vitals are strong. You can go in." She waved with her hand towards the room opposite her desk.

Rachel nodded when Kurt finished signing. He squeezed her hand and then let got.

The door to Quinn's room was already open. There was a glass window that went out into the hallway so the nurse had the patient in her view. Slowly Rachel stepped forward and stopped in the entrance.

She let her eyes roam over the blonde's features who lay to the left of the door. She looked still very pale and the lump on her forehead shone in a darkish blue. Just looking at it hurt and Rachel involuntarily flinched as she touched her own forehead on the same spot.

Suddenly she was unsure of what to do. One part of her wanted to rush to Quinn's bedside, take her hand, never let go and tell her that everything would be all right. The other part wanted the earth to open up and swallow her whole. What would Quinn say if she saw her here? She, the one who had pushed her away, who said that she could not be with her, now came rushing back like a beaten dog.

Rachel was not sure if she would ever deserve Quinn's love again … _should_ she still love her.

All of a sudden she felt a little nudge at the small of her back. Not looking around, she knew it was Kurt telling her softly to go inside.

Finally, after what seemed like an endless moment, she stepped closer. Pulling a chair up next to the bed, she sat on its edge and hesitatingly took Quinn's right hand. She choked on her tears, wishing nothing more than just to be there with her, wishing she would not feel so torn between the longing and the shame, knowing fully well that it was all her own fault.

… … …

Kurt watched Rachel slowly walk towards Quinn's bedside. He could understand that she felt so conflicted. But whatever had caused Quinn to end up here, if she was going to be all right, maybe the good thing to come out of it was that both his friends would find their way back together again.

Looking around, he found some orange plastic chairs lining the wall close by and he gratefully slumped into them. Tiredly he raked his hands through his hair.

This was not how he had imaged to start his new year. Then again, being there for his friends, giving each other support was actually something very valuable, even though the circumstances could have been better. It was important to have a social network you could rely on, people who loved you and cared about you, people you could lean on and trust to help you as well, should you need them. To be part of such a network made him immensely grateful.

Kurt was actually glad that Rachel had found the courage to call him and that she did not try to get through this on her own. Not because she needed an interpreter, he was sure she would have managed somehow; apparently she had already established communication with the sympathetic nurse downstairs. No, he knew she had called him to be there as a friend, to give her emotional support.

When he heard someone coming down the hall he looked up and found Santana quickly walking towards him, an alarmed expression on her face. She wore a red dress with black boots and was wrapped in a black down coat.

"Kurt what happened? Where is Quinn, how is she? Can I see her?" He was greeted by the Latina even before she reached him.

Kurt stood up and hugged is friend before he gave an answer.

"Calm down Santana, it seems that Quinn will be fine. Apparently a neighbor of yours called nine-one-one when he found her somewhere by the stairs. We don't know what happened. She has a concussion and some bruised rips and twisted her arm, but other than that she is fine. They will keep her here for the next two days probably to make sure that there will be no complications, but she should be ok."

"Thank god!" Santana sank onto one of the chairs and wiped her hand over her forehead.

"Well, Quinn is still unconscious. Hopefully she'll wake up soon."

"Yes, I hope so too. That was one call to get sober, let me tell you. I saw that the clinic tried to reach me, but I didn't hear any calls or messages because I had my phone in my bag. When I took it out I saw Rachel's message and then you called."

Santana looked around.

"Is Rachel with her?" She jerked her head towards the room she assumed Quinn to be in.

"Yes."

"And?" Santana caught on to his slightly hesitating answer.

"What and?"

"How is she, how'd she take it? And how did she get the information in the first place?"

Kurt sighed and then explained what he knew about the voice mail Rachel had received and how she had called him.

"She _called_ you?"

"Yes."

"Did someone else talk to you, I mean talk for her?" Santana tried to wrap her head around how Rachel had managed. Not that she wasn't able to speak, but she must have had no idea if Kurt ever answered.

Her friend shortly relayed Rachel's words that he had heard on his end of the line.

"Huh. She must have been quite desperate to do something like that," Santana stated. "How is she doing?"

Kurt grimaced. "She feels guilty and torn and my guess she is not sure if it is her place to be here."

"Not her place to be here? God, someone needs to shake some sense into that woman!" the Latina huffed.

"Shhh, you're waking the whole floor." Kurt hushed her. "She already looked pretty shook up, so I don't think she needs any more shaking tonight."

"Kurt, I don't get it. I mean, yeah, partly I do, but then… I don't! They love each other. I know that Rachel still loves Quinn like crazy and vice versa. Why can't they just be together? I get the whole deaf and music thing. But still…" Frustrated Santana leaned back in her chair.

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know."

They were both quiet for a while. Then he said: "Maybe this needed to happen tonight. You know maybe the universe gave them a little push."

"It rather seemed it gave Quinn a little push down the stairs." Santana huffed.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do. I just hope it was worth it. God, Kurt, you should have seen Quinn over the past few days. She hardly ate, had dark circles under her eyes and looked like a ghost."

"Well, Rachel doesn't look any better."

"I tried to call her twice on Skype to see how she was, but she didn't answer."

"Don't take it personal, I think she just needed time and knowing that you and Quinn are quite close probably did not make things easier for her."

"But I told her that I would always be her friend as well!" Santana exclaimed.

"I know, and Rachel knows it too, I'm sure. Maybe she needed to digest things first before she could have contacted you again. Anyway, she sent you a message now, didn't she?"

"Yeah, you are right. And she asked me if I was ok and told me she was worried about me."

"See!" Kurt smiled.

Santana slid down her chair a bit and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Some way to start a new year. These chairs are fucking uncomfortable."

"Mmm, next time I'll bring my lounge chair for your highness." Kurt teased her.

"Gee, thanks Hummel, that's what I call a great suggestion." She stood up and looked around.

"I need a coffee. You want some?"

"Yes, please. With milk no sugar…" he answered, but the Latina was already walking down the hall, waving a dismissive hand over her shoulder.

"Yeah yeah, I know your coffee order, Hummel, remember, I know _all_ your secrets."

Mumbling, Kurt said to himself: "And there goes my illusion I might ever have a good night's sleep again."

Santana walked down the hall towards he coffee machine. Passing Quinn's room she peeked inside and saw Rachel sitting next to the blonde, still holding her hand, staring into space.

… … …

Rachel could not help herself. She felt like she did not belong here. She was not even sure Quinn would be happy to see her if she woke up.

At least Rachel knew that she would be all right. That was the most important thing.

She focused back on the blonde's features, when she saw her eyelids twitch. Then she seemed to calm down again. Rachel tore her gaze away from her and looked at the window that faced the city. Outside the one or other late firework still illuminated the sky.

Suddenly Quinn stirred. Her hand twitched and Rachel's head jerked around.

Slowly the blond opened her eyes and blinked a few times. It took her a moment before she could keep them completely open. Her gaze fell on Rachel and then roamed the room before settling back on the other woman's features.

With a questioning look she tried to speak. "What...?"

But Rachel interrupted her.

"Shhh, it's ok, don't speak." She reached over and pressed the button for the nurse. "Everything is ok, just stay calm," Rachel tried to sound as convincing and soothing as possible.

"I… you… ," Quinn tried to sort out what had happened and where she was, but seeing Rachel's face was comforting somehow.

"Quinn, don't try to talk yet, let's wait for the nurse, ok? You'll be fine. You don't have any severe injuries."

"Oh." Then why did her head and upper body hurt like hell, Quinn wondered. "My... head… hurts," Quinn rasped.

Rachel was glad she was able to read those three words from Quinn's lips.

"It's because you have concussion. Try to lay still." She squeezed Quinn's hand lightly, before she added quietly: "Everything will be fine, I promise."

* * *

**On another note: Let's see if there are some Days of Our Lives fans who find the reference, lol… Sorry, couldn't resist. I'm just totally fangirling over Mary Beth Evans in the storyline from June/July 1988. For a daily soap that storyline was well written and showed some great acting from her and Stephen Nichols in my opinion, especially since both of them had to learn sign language. That made it really interesting to watch.**

**I wasn't able to watch this when it originally aired, I was a little too young for that and I'm not sure it was even on German television, but thankfully modern technologies make everything available now, even the "good old" stuff. (Just in case your interested about this storyline, check out Bradyclanfan's channel on YouTube.)  
**

**Even in the more recent storylines of Days or The Bay, MBE looks really great. I wish I will age as gracefully as her. At 52 she is still a beautiful woman.**

**Anyway, I digress. On to writing the next chapters as long as it is still Sunday and I still have some time today…**


	53. Chapter 53

**Chapter 53**

The nurse arrived a short moment after Rachel had pressed the call button. Seeing that her patient was awake, she checked Quinn's vitals and left to get the doctor on duty. Seeing the nurse's face only from the side while she talked, Rachel guessed that this was what she had said.

Quinn tried to speak again, but Rachel shook her head. "Don't speak Quinn, please, save your strength and let's wait for the doctor."

Rachel realized that she still held Quinn's hand and wanted to pull back, felling self-conscious all of a sudden. Quinn tried to tighten her grip not wanting for Rachel to let go, so the brunette left her fingers entwined with Quinn's.

"What happened?" The blonde finally whispered, ignoring Rachel's request to save her strength. She tried to turn her head so Rachel could see her lips better and it felt like someone was pounding on her head with a hammer.

When Rachel wanted to answer, they were interrupted by the arrival of the medical staff. _Dr. Erin Bord_ stood on the name tag of the tall woman who followed the nurse. Rachel stood up and gently disentangled her hand from Quinn's.

This time Quinn loosened her grip a little.

"Stay," Quinn whispered and held Rachel's gaze for a moment until Rachel nodded and moved to the foot of the bed to make room for the other two women.

They quickly checked the monitor next to Quinn's bed, and then the red-haired doctor bent over her patient.

Quinn tore her eyes away from Rachel and moved her gaze towards the person leaning over her.

"Good, you're awake. Can you hear me clearly?" The doctor asked me.

Quinn nodded barely visible. Even that small movement caused a thunderstorm of pain in her head.

"Good," Dr. Bord smiled. She held up two fingers. "Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?"

This time Quinn decided to try speaking again. Maybe that was less painful.

"Yes," she breathed and added "two", wondering why her voice sounded so raspy and her throat felt so dry.

Then she managed to ask again: "What happened?"

She looked from the doctor to Rachel and back. She felt so tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. It was hard to keep her eyes open.

"Quinn, you are in the hospital. Apparently you fell down the stairs and you were unconscious for a while. Can you remember anything?" The doctor probed.

The blonde groaned and tried to move again to adjust her position and it seemed that her whole body was hurting. When Quinn had settled down again, the nurse turned around and adjusted the drip of the infusion.

"Don't move. You need to rest." She re-assured Quinn. "The pain should lessen a bit in a short while."

The doctor repeated her question and Quinn raked her brain to come up with her last memory before she woke up in the hospital.

"Just remember… New year's eve… going out…I left the apartment…" her voice trailed off.

"Good." Dr. Bord seemed satisfied that her patient's memory came up with events that were pretty close to the fall. That was a good sign.

"You remember anything else? How you fell?" she asked then.

Quinn thought hard but came up empty. "No," she croaked.

The red-haired woman leaned slightly over her again. "Ok don't worry about it. It might come back in time."

"What's … wrong with me?" Quinn tried to take stock of her body, but the pain in her head was all she could focus on. She noticed however that she could move her feet and toes. That was a relief.

Waking up in a hospital not knowing how she got there or why conjured up bad memories. She could move her limbs this time at least and she did not seem to be incapacitated otherwise as far as she could tell. There was just this maddening pain in her head. She tuned back to the voice of the doctor.

"You are suffering from a concussion, badly bruised ribs and a twisted left arm. This will keep you in bed for a couple of days, but you will be fine. The ribs will hurt a while, probably longer than your arm and head. You might be restricted in your movement for a couple of days because of that, but that's nothing that will not heal by itself. You were lucky," she smiled at the blonde.

"I'm going to shine a light into your eyes now, don't be alarmed."

The doctor checked her pupils' reaction and seemed to be satisfied with the result as well.

"Can you remember what day it is?"

Quinn wondered if that question and answer game would be finished soon. She was so tired. Besides, she would much more like to speak to Rachel. She was afraid that the brunette would leave before they had a chance to talk. She let her eyes wander over to Rachel and was relieved that she was still there, her brown eyes skipping between her and the doctor. She probably was not able to follow the conversation, Quinn realized, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Quinn?" She heard Dr. Bord say her name.

Shit. _Try to concentrate Quinn_ , she told herself, _the quicker you give them their answers, the quicker they might leave you alone again_. _What was the question again? Ah, yes, what day it was._

"Um," Quinn took a ragged breath. "I think, um, it's after New Year. Jan… January first, maybe? I don't know, how long have I been out?"

Quinn looked again from the doctor to Rachel who was watching her with a mixture of relief, longing and … sadness. She only listened to the doctors answer half-way, but it registered with her at least that she had not been unconscious very long.

The blonde took another breath and flinched as she felt the pain shoot through her upper body, making her head pound even more. Then she noticed two other figures standing in the door.

Rachel followed her gaze and smiled seeing that Santana had arrived. She gave her a small wave with her hand before she turned her attention back to Quinn.

Rachel closely watched the exchange between the doctor and Quinn. She was hardly able to read the doctor's lips as the tall woman was mostly turned towards Quinn.

Quinn's comments were partly recognizable. Rachel read more from Quinn's expression than from her lips when the blonde tried hard to remember anything from the fall and crinkled her nose unconsciously in the process.

Judging by the smile and nods from the doctor and nurse though, Quinn's responses seemed to meet their expectations.

Dr. Bord asked her two or three more questions to establish that she did not have any further memory lapses besides the one about the moment before her fall.

Satisfied with Quinn's answers, the doctor finally seemed to wrap up her visit. Quinn heard her tell her that they would give her some light pain medication, but that she needed to stay awake now for the next couple of hours. This way they could make sure she was ok and the concussion did not have any further effects on her.

With one last check of the monitor she and the nurse left the room, giving the other two waiting friends the permission to say hello shortly.

However, seeing that Rachel and Quinn were still establishing their boundaries, Kurt and Santana decided to wait and check in later. They heard that Quinn needed to stay awake, so she would definitely need someone to keep her occupied later.

Quinn's gaze followed the medical staff and her eyes shortly rested on her other two friends who mouthed that they would wait outside. Having heard that the doctor was optimistic, they were ok to wait a couple of moments longer.

Rachel's presence registered again with Quinn and all the details came rushing back. She looked at the brunette who seemed unsure of where to go and what to do next.

Just when Rachel debated with herself whether to give Quinn some rest and leave or to sit back on her previously occupied chair, a small movement in front of her pulled her from her thoughts.

Quinn waved her closer with her good hand. When Rachel slowly sat down, the blonde slightly turned her head to look at her. After the pain in her head the movement had caused subsided again somewhat – hopefully the painkillers would kick in soon - she tried to lift her arms very slowly to sign, but could not quite manage.

Jesus, these bruised ribs were a bitch and having her left arm in a sling across her chest did not make her position more comfortable. She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes for a moment.

"Quinn, don't move. It's ok." Rachel explained.

Even though Quinn was not able to really communicate with her in her current condition, Rachel was so immensely relieved that there seemed to be nothing seriously wrong with her. She would be ok, she would be fine and that was all that mattered.

Before Rachel could stop herself, she bent over Quinn's right hand and stroked the fingers lightly, and then she placed a soft kiss on them.

Quinn slightly turned her hand and tapped on Rachel's chin to get her to look up again.

When the blonde was sure she had her attention, she asked her: "How come you are here?" while trying to hint at the signs with her right hand at least.

Rachel exhaled slowly, before answering. "I got a message from the hospital that you were admitted. Apparently they found my number in your emergency contacts."

Quinn nodded once and remembered that she had the card with the number in her purse. Her mom had thought her already as a child to carry such information with her, so if something happened, people would know whom to call. While she remembered, she felt herself drift off again.

Rachel noticed how Quinn had troubles keeping her eyes open.

"Quinn, maybe I should let you rest for a while," Rachel suggested gently.

"No. Have to stay awake." Quinn answered and forced herself to open her eyes to look at Rachel. She had a questioning look on her face as if trying to guess what she had just said. .

For Rachel the word 'awake' just looked like 'away' and she was not sure if Quinn wanted her to leave after all.

Seeing Rachel struggle to understand, Quinn tried to sign with her right hand again. But the sign for 'awake' was usually signed near the eyes, and it was impossible for her to lift her arm so far. So she simply spelled the word with her fingers.

"Oh, I see." Rachel had not heard the instruction from the doctor and wondered what other important information she had missed. Focusing back on the conversation she did not know if she was relieved or not that Quinn had not sent her away. She would not have been surprised if she had done so, not after the way Rachel had treated her in Lima.

She watched Quinn's eyes close again and gently nudged her on the arm. "Quinn, open your eyes, come on, you need to stay awake, you just told me so yourself."

Rachel's voice seemed to come from far away. Still, something told Quinn that she should focus on that, that she had to keep this voice near.

"I'm trying, but I'm so tired. And thirsty." Her right hand was moving again in parallel to help Rachel understand.

Rachel looked around and found some water on the night stand. She poured half a glass and helped Quinn raise her head slowly so she could swallow easier. The painkillers seemed to work finally, as the pounding in her head did not make her as nauseous as before when trying to move.

"Thanks." Quinn managed when she was finished. She felt Rachel carefully slide her hand from under her neck and watched her put the glass on the night stand.

Hesitatingly, Rachel's hand hovered over her face, only to gently brush away a couple of strands from her forehead a moment later. Despite the pain in her ribs, Quinn raised her right forearm and held on to Rachel's arm to avoid her pulling back her hand. This caused Rachel to place her hand on Quinn's cheek and a small moan escaped the blonde's lips at the touch.

Rachel closed her eyes and concentrated on the warm skin beneath her fingers. She had missed this so much. She had missed feeling and seeing Quinn, despite all the hurt that had raged through her the past days.

Both women reveled in that short moment of peace and tenderness.

Still, it was such a strange atmosphere between them, Quinn thought. It felt like Rachel was there but then wasn't, as if debating whether to stay or to go. And the blonde couldn't get the haze out of her mind to find the right words to say, nor find the strength to sign properly.

Then she raised her eyes and looked into Rachel's.

Those eyes.

They always told her the truth. But right now she could not focus enough to look behind their warm hue. Before she could say anything, Rachel spoke. She had not removed her hand from Quinn's cheek yet and Quinn was grateful for that small gesture. She had longed for that touch for so long.

"There are two more visitors here who would like to see you. It would not be fair of me to use up all the visiting time," Rachel smiled shyly.

Quinn did not react to that. Instead she asked the question she had asked before.

"How come you are here?"

Rachel looked confused after she half read the question from Quinn's lips and half through her signs.

Had Quinn forgotten that she had asked her that already? Was something wrong with her memory after all?

"I told you, my number was still on the…" she started slowly before Quinn interrupted her. She lifted her right hand again and tried to accompany her words with signs.

"I know, you told me before. I mean, why are you here? Why did you come after all we have been through?"

"I… I can leave if you want me to." Rachel answered quietly.

Quinn shook her head and instantly regretted it. Trying to lift her good arm too fast, she felt the pain shoot through her ribs again that it took her breath away and made her eyes water.

"Quinn!" Rachel grasped at seeing her in so much pain. "Don't move. And don't try to sign."

When the immediate pain ebbed away again, then the blonde made a writing movement with her hand and Rachel quickly placed her pad and a pen on the bed. She tilted the wad of paper a little, so Quinn could see what she was writing.

_That's not what I meant. I don't want you to go. I just want to understand what brought you here._

Rachel read the words and then thought long about her answer.

"When I received the call and realized you were hurt, I just reacted on instinct. I needed to know that you were going to be all right. I was really scared. I found a cab and drove straight to the hospital."

The more she spoke, the more agitated she got until the words came out in a rush.

"I didn't know what was wrong with you or how badly you were injured. When I came here they just took you away to get x-rays. You were unconscious and I was so worried that… that … I…," Rachel took a deep shuddering breath, "…would never see you again," she finished.

_But you didn't want to see me again._ Quinn brought it to the point.

"I… I know," Rachel answered quietly. "Quinn, I … there is a lot we need to talk about. That is… if you are willing to. But not now. Now you need to get better first."

Quinn looked at the brown eyes again that gazed at her with the same mix of feelings she had seen before. She noticed sadness and worry, only now there was something else in them as well. Quinn thought she saw a glimmer of hope.

"Hey, before you start making up and making out, can I interrupt?" the distinct voice of Santana reached Quinn's ears. She tore her gaze away from Rachel and looked at her new visitor.

Rachel followed Quinn's line of vision and noticed their friend standing in the door.

"I'll give you two some time. Kurt is also here, you want to see him?" Rachel then asked Quinn. The blonde nodded.

Quinn tried to sign again, mouthing the words in parallel. _Will you come back?_

Rachel hesitated a second. "If you want me to, I will."

The blonde nodded barely noticeable. "That would be nice." She managed with a weak smile before her eyes fell close again.

Rachel bent over her while she stood up and touched her lightly on the shoulder. "Quinn, look at me, you have to stay awake."

She mumbled something that was illegible for Rachel. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw Santana coming closer.

_Hey Rachel_ the Latina greeted her signing and hugged her shortly.

"Hello Santana."

_I'll try to keep her awake. Kurt is outside._

Rachel nodded and stepped aside so Santana could sit on the chair besides the bed.

After a little hesitation Rachel asked her friend: "What did she just say? I… I couldn't read her lips."

Santana took the pad and wrote her answer down. _She said it would be really nice if you came back._

"That's what I guessed. Thanks."

_Welcome. Though I have no idea what she mumbled afterwards. Anyway, I'll keep her awake now._

Rachel nodded. Slowly, she walked to the door and went out into the hallway with a last look at Quinn who was nudged by Santana and threw the Latina a grumpy look at being disturbed again.

… … …

In the hallway Rachel was greeted by Kurt.

_Hey, how is she?_

"Tired. She keeps falling asleep. We have to keep her awake."

_Good that there are three of us, we can take turns cheering her up and distracting her_. Kurt took a closer look at his friend.

_How are you doing_ , he asked her a little concerned.

"She asked me to come back."

Kurt looked at her. "And, will you?"

"Yes," Rachel breathed barely audible.

_Good. Otherwise I would have dragged you here, Rachel._

Rachel smiled weakly at him. She tried to find a comfortable seating position.

Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, she found herself getting very tired.

"God, what time is it?" She asked groggy.

_No idea. Want some coffee?_

Rachel shook her head.

What she wanted she wasn't sure she'll ever get.

… … …

"So Q, care to tell me what the hell you think you're doing in the hospital on New Year's Eve?" Santana demanded from her friend.

Quinn tore her eyes away from the door Rachel had disappeared through a moment earlier and slowly looked at her friend.

"I… I can't remember."

"Well try, because I'm short of shaking you like mad for this stunt you pulled! I almost freaked out when I read Berry's message and received Kurt's call. So exercise those little brain cells for a moment."

"Rachel sent you a message?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "Sure you only focus on that." She sighed. "Yes. She did. She also called Kurt on his phone. You gave all of us quite a big scare tonight, Quinn."

Quinn though for a moment. Her brain still wasn't working as quickly as she wanted it to. There was something that Santana had said that…

"She _called_ Kurt? You mean she texted him?"

Santana just shook her head.

"She…?"

"Yes. She did, that's how freaked out she was. Now tweak your tiny brain a bit. I left you when you wanted to go to bed. What made your skinny ass land on the bottom of the stairs?"

"Huh." Quinn still had to digest Santana's first sentence. It was hard to wrap her brain around everything.

The last thing she remembered was thinking about Rachel and how she was supposed to live through the days without her, without any contact, not even text messages or any other life sign from her. And the next thing she saw was an absolutely worried Rachel sitting at her bed in the hospital.

It was not that she did not want her to be here, but now that she remembered more clearly the past days and conversations, she wondered what made of Rachel change her mind.

Nevertheless, she wished for nothing more than to feel her hand again on her cheek, to look into these brown eyes and see all the love, and only love, without the pain and insecurity.

"Yo, you still there?" She heard Santana's voice pull her back into the present.

"Mhm, yeah."

Quinn tried again to piece together what happened after Santana left. "I ate a slice of toast. I wanted to sober up and I remember I made some coffee." She pictured herself in her kitchen. "Hm. After eating something and having had the coffee, I felt better. I wanted to go out to get some fresh air. I remember walking out of the apartment, but that's it. Then I woke up here."

"Well, apparently you took a tumble down the stairs. One of our neighbors found you when he came home. Kurt and I talked to the nurse while you were busy throwing adoring glances at Rachel. Apparently you just blacked out from not having eaten much the past days and then the stress with your work, the worries about your relationship… that all seemed to have been a bit too much. Your blood pressure was really low and in combination with the wine we had..."

"Maybe."

"Well, anyway I'm glad that you'll be fine, Quinn. And I apologize for not being a good friend and leaving you alone to go out to party."

"Santana, don't feel bad about that, ok? It was my fault and responsibility what happened, not yours."

"Still, this sucks."

Quinn tried to adjust her position a bit, but with only one hand it was difficult to move up. She groaned again and gave up. "Fucking pain."

Santana chuckled. "Well, enjoy the ride, cause in a couple of weeks you'll be as good as new."

"Very funny. Even breathing hurts if I take too deep breaths. Shit." Quinn closed her eyes in frustration. "I need to call my director tomorrow. I can't work like that."

"Give me his number, I'll do it. You have to rest a bit first before you think of working again."

"Yes, ma'am."

Santana noticed how Quinn's eyes kept wandering towards the door with a forlorn look.

"You want me to get her back in here?" The Latina then asked quietly.

"I… I don't know. I.. I'm … I need to ask her something."

"Ok, I'll get her. But Kurt is also outside and wants to check how you are."

"Oh. Sure."

Santana got up and lightly squeezed Quinn's hand.

Quinn watched her leave. She was so tired; she'd so much like to go to sleep.

It took a moment before Kurt entered her room, but she was grateful to have a couple of minutes to herself. She needed to digest what had happened.

Jesus, she really had passed out. Another bit of memory came floating back. She remembered that she felt a little light headed when walking down the stairs. She thought that it must have been the alcohol. Why had she not taken the elevator in the first place, she wondered. When she realized that the wooziness did not disappear she had held on to the handrail.

Nothing else came back.

Next thing she remembered was waking up here. Seeing Rachel sitting next to her, holding her hand had felt like a dream at first. When she realized that Rachel truly _was_ sitting next to her, she was not sure what to make of it.

Would she disappear again now, knowing that Quinn would be alright? Would she come back? Would she be willing to talk? Quinn hated that she couldn't really sign because of the pain. It made the whole situation just more difficult and must be shoving another proof of limitation into Rachel's face.

Kurt's head peaked around the door frame and pulled Quinn back from her thoughts.

"Hey, are you up for one more visitor? Though I can't stay for long, the nurse is giving us the evil eye."

Quinn chuckled. Not a good idea. Not for her ribs, not for her head. Damn.

"Why, she should be glad you are keeping me awake."

"Yeah, well, I guess she is afraid we are making her redundant."

They bantered on for a few minutes, which made Quinn feel a little better.

… … …

Outside, Santana sat down next to Rachel and tapped her lightly on the shoulder, while Kurt excused himself to go to the restroom before visiting Quinn.

Rachel had her eyes closed, though she did not seem to be asleep. Slowly she turned her head and looked at Santana.

"How is she?"

_Still ok. Hard to stay awake, but she'll be fine, I think._ The dark eyes looked at Rachel for a moment before Santana asked: _And how are you?_

Rachel shrugged. "Relieved, exhausted, overwhelmed with the situation and how to deal with this. With us."

She looked at her hands and remembered that she had decided to start signing in parallel, even though others could hear her. She figured that for Santana, who was still learning, it might be helpful. Besides, she wasn't sure she had her voice under control with all the emotions rolling through her.

Santana watched the mix of sentiments play on Rachel's features and could only begin to imagine how she must feel. She snug an arm around her shoulders and gave her a short half-hug.

That was enough for Rachel to lose control. She threw her hands over her face and desperately tried to stifle the sobs.

"I'm so relieved, but now that I know that she will be fine, I feel so torn. Torn between my heart and my mind. I don't know what to do."

The Latina held her for a moment longer until she felt Rachel calm down.

Then she turned her head slightly so the brunette would look at her.

_Rachel, I think your heart already told you what to do._

"How?"

_I heard you telling Quinn that you reacted on instinct, when you heard about her being admitted. Instinct comes from the heart and your gut feeling, but it rarely involves the head. You came rushing here, all worried about her, you alarmed us, you even called Kurt, you were here when she woke up. Now, what does that tell you?_

"Santana, we still have a few unsolved issues between us."

The Latina pulled out a small notebook and a pen and wrote her answer down.

_And you won't solve those tonight or tomorrow. But at least you were talking again. Keep up the momentum, both of you, and talk. Discuss what is on your minds, but openly and honestly, without holding back._

She looked imploringly at the smaller woman. Rachel pressed her hand against her forehead.

"I know," she whispered. "But sometimes it is so hard."

_I know, Rachel, believe me, I know. But not talking about problems makes it only worse. Look what happened over the past days. You_ need _to talk._

Rachel nodded and wiped her tears away. They sat in silence for a moment until Kurt came back outside.

_Quinn would like to see you again for a short moment,_ Kurt signed to Rachel. _We'll wait at the elevators for you, ok?_

"Ok."

Rachel stepped inside the room and immediately caught Quinn's expectant gaze.

She held up the pad where she had written something down.

_I'm glad you came, Rachel. I really am. Thank you for being here and for informing Santana and Kurt as well. Will_ _you come back later or tomorrow?_

"If you want me to." Rachel repeated her words from earlier.

_Do_ _you_ _want to come back?_ Quinn wrote down with a frown.

Rachel nodded after staring at the pad for a moment. "Yes. I would like to."

Quinn smiled and it made Rachel's heart grow all warm inside. She had missed that smile so much, like so many other things.

_Then you are very welcome, Rachel. But I guess now you should all get some sleep._

"Yes, though it sounds unfair if you have to stay awake."

_Well, I already had my beauty sleep, remember?_ Quinn tried to joke.

Rachel looked at her for a moment. "Maybe we can try not to scare each other for a little while now," she said before she could stop herself.

Quinn let out a short breath with a smile. _Sounds good for now_.

Rachel squeezed her hand and bent over her only to stop again mid-air. Then, after a second she placed a soft kiss on Quinn's forehead, careful not to touch the bluish-purple bruise.

"I'll come back tomorrow. Well, later today, actually. Do you want me to bring anything? "

_No. I'm fine._

Rachel looked at Quinn for a moment with soft brown eyes. The blonde held her gaze and for just a tiny second it felt so familiar, so natural, as if the bond that connected them had never ripped.

Then Rachel stepped backwards towards the door. There she lifted her hands.

_See you later,_ she signed, and Quinn smiled and gave a small wave with her hand.

… … …

The three friends left the hospital, all of them immensely relieved that Quinn's injuries were minor.

Santana and Kurt kept throwing glances at Rachel on their way out, trying to gauge how she was feeling. The brunette kept looking at the floor with a pensive expression. She looked pale and tired.

Outside, Rachel wanted to say good-bye to her friends when Santana grabbed her and pulled her towards a coffee shop that was already open – or still.

She signed while speaking. "No way Berry, we need to talk. Kurt, will you join us for a coffee?"

Glancing at his watch and guessing that his fiancé was probably fast asleep now anyway, he nodded. "There's nothing better than coffee at 5 o'clock in the morning," he answered with a yawn while moving his hands through the air.

Rachel looked wearily at her friend, then lifted her hands and answered signing and speaking: "I'm really tired. I'd rather go home."

"Yeah, I know, but I'd rather talk to you. You can sleep later. And by the way…. Happy new year," Santana answered likewise and then smiled and gently hugged her friend, which cause a small smile to appear on Rachel's face.

When she pulled back she answered the same. "Happy new year, Santana," and she used the special name sign she had decided to give the Latina. Actually that was just a nickname, she still had another – official - sign for Santana, but she wanted to know how Santana would react to that one first.

Kurt's jaw dropped, but Santana slowly started to smile when she realized what it meant.

"Rachel, you can't call her that!" Kurt blurted out almost forgetting to sign, still looking slightly offended, even though the sign was not for him.

"Shut up, Hummel, I like it." Then turning to Rachel, Santana said signing: "Good one Rachel. Canny, but good. Wouldn't have thought you'd come up with this."

Rachel smiled and shrugged. "It suits you. Let's go, I'm cold out here."

She walked between her friends across the street into the warmth of the little homey café. The smell of coffee wafted across the room and tickled their noses. Walking up to the counter, they placed their order and then found a comfortable seat in a corner. Few other tenants were also scattered around the other tables, all having the same tired look on their faces after a probably long night of celebration.

They drank their first sips in silence until Rachel caught Santana's eye and lifted an eyebrow in question.

Santana kept looking at her before she finally asked signing and talking: "How are you? I mean really. No bullshit "I'm doing ok" here…"

Rachel looked down and fiddled with her spoon. Then she lifted her hands and answered again in both ways: "I have been better. But I shouldn't complain, should I, since it is my fault for causing this situation Quinn and I are in, right?" She finished with a bitter note and focused her attention again on an invisible spot on her cup.

A tap on her forearm forced her to raise her head again, finding Santana talking to her while Kurt interpreted for his friend. Even though Santana had gotten better at signing, she was still struggling sometimes.

"Rachel, this accident and what it caused was not your fault. Being deaf and having to struggle with its consequences is not your fault. No one is blaming you."

"Really?" the brunette asked with a tone in her voice that showed that she did not believe it one bit.

Santana sighed. "Rachel, I'm not saying that I'm happy about your and Quinn's situation now. And I'm not saying that I don't understand both of you and the difficulties you are facing. Just because something is a fact, doesn't mean you cannot change it. But you haven't really answered my question. How are you?"

Rachel shrugged. "What do you think? I feel torn between guilt, shame, hope, confusion and relief. I wish we could somehow find our way back together, but that would not change anything about the facts and I don't know what to do about that. I don't want to go back and end up at the same point in a couple of months or half a year, neither does Quinn. I know it's my fault, because I'm causing all these problems, but…"

"Oh, hold it Berry!" Santana interrupted her holding up a hand. "You _both_ have neglected talking about some important things. Quinn is as much to blame as you. She has never been one to easily talk about her feelings and I think you two need to sit down and get a real understanding of each other's situation. As hard as it is for you seeing her on stage, as hard it is for her knowing you are in the audience not being able to hear any of the music or what is going on around you."

"Yeah, and as hard as it is for her having to interpret all the time."

Kurt answered this time.

"Yes, Rachel that might be true, but if you two don't discuss these things, then you won't find a solution. In a way we might be glad that this happened tonight, because it gave you a chance to connect again. I'm not saying that it will all be rosy again, but at least this whole situation might have given you two a push to actively start facing your issues."

"Yeah, maybe." Rachel let out a long breath and took another sip of her coffee, then excused herself to go to the bathroom.

When she came back she noticed that Kurt and Santana were animatedly talking among each other. She took her seat and watched them for a moment. Then she felt the familiar feeling of being left out take hold. Tired as she was, she was surprised that she found another feeling also arise. It was one that was familiar to her as well. It was the feeling of wanting to fight for her right, of wanting to fight for what she wanted.

Santana was right.

Facts were facts, but the way you dealt with them gave you control. She had let herself be controlled by her circumstances long enough after her accident. And she remembered vividly how liberating it had been to start acting on her own wishes, venturing out again trying to _live_ again.

Thinking hard about this time, she realized that she never wanted to go back to that the time where she had buried herself at home, not wanting to connect with anyone.

So now instead of sulking and feeling pity for herself again, she slapped her flat hand on the surface of the table to get her friends' attention.

When both looked at her, she told them signing again in parallel: "Do me a favor, guys. Humor me. Even though you're not talking to me, give me a chance to participate."

Kurt apologized while Santana looked at Rachel with a curious expression on her face.

"Now, that sounded more like the Berry I know. Keep it coming. What else is bothering you?" She stated after a moment. She noticed in Rachel's eyes that she had struck a mark.

Rachel closed her eyes for a moment and shook her head. Then she slowly lifted her hands, looked at Santana and signed her nickname again, only this time, using the correct signs instead of forming an S with her fingers as before.

_Psychic bitch._

Santana laughed out loud while Kurt rolled his eyes.

_I get, it, Rachel._ Santana signed, while Kurt asked: "Is that really the sign you're going to use now for her?"

Rachel smiled and shook her head after a moment. "No. I have another one. This one is mine, like she calls me Berry, I call her Psychic Bitch. You know, her psychic third eye and all, always knowing people's inner secrets and her being a real bitch more often than not…" Santana bumped her elbow into Rachel's arm lightly and grinned.

_So what's the real deal then_ , she wanted to know, _if that is just my nickname?_

Rachel formed an S with her right hand quickly followed by an x.

SX.

"What's that for? Sex? Six?" Kurt was confused.

"Haha, it means Snixx, you dork!" Santana beamed, signing along, leaving out the word "dork" as she did not know the sign.

"Yup." Was all Rachel said.

Kurt shook his head and Santana had a satisfied grin plastered on her face. She like her two name signs and gave Rachel two thumbs up for coming up with them. They took some more sips of their coffee in silence, when Kurt interrupted the silence after a while.

"Why do you keep on signing now when you are talking to us?" Kurt asked out of curiosity, his hands moving through the air.

Rachel explained to him her experience with Lauren and that it was strange in the beginning to remind herself that she had to sign. Also, it was something she wanted to do. Even though she knew what she was saying when she was speaking, she couldn't hear herself talk. And she found that when she signed along, it somehow gave her a possibility of reflecting on her own words.

This way she sort of "heard" herself talk. Or rather saw.

It was hard to describe, but Kurt and Santana understood. And Santana appreciated it, because it gave her even a better chance to learn more, as long as Rachel did not sign too fast.

"But why do you start only now with signing along? Why didn't you do it from the beginning?"

"I… I had to find out what I'm comfortable with, I guess. With my parents it was different, they were the only ones I signed to from the beginning, but it was more to show them how important it was for them to learn it too. But when I had you back in my life… I don't know, I guess I wanted to feel as normal as possible, it being hard enough not being able hear. I can at least speak and signing would have… given me away immediately. I know it sounds stupid." Rachel shrugged self-consciously.

"I realized that… that I can't pretend. And I can't neither hide myself nor my deafness. It's still a long way, but I have started to accept it more."

Santana had a proud smile on her face and she squeezed Rachel's hand that rested on the table after she finished signing.

Kurt smiled as well and held his hands in front of his chest, moving them forward, balling them into fists. _Courage!_ He smiled.

When they had emptied their cups, the left the store into the still dark and early morning. Kurt caught a cab on his own, while Santana and Rachel shared one. It would drop Santana off first, then continue to Rachel's apartment.

In the cab, Santana asked with her hands: _Will you come back later to visit Quinn?_

Rachel nodded after a moment. "Yes. I will. I promised her to come back. She wanted me to."

_Good._ Santana answered and hoped that the two would make progress.


	54. Chapter 54

**I don't own Glee.**

**Thank you Devin Jaste for our discussions, they help to spark a couple of ideas and thoughts! Great help :-)**

**Also thanks to Sole's stories for pointing out a couple of things. I'll try to incorporate them.**

* * *

**Chapter 54**

Rachel opened her apartment door and threw her bag on the kitchen counter. She was so exhausted from the night's events that all she longed for was her bed.

She trudged into the bathroom, quickly brushed her teeth and then slipped into her pajamas. However, when her head touched her pillow, she could not fall asleep. She re-lived the night over and over again in her mind, asking herself why this had to happen and what she was supposed to do.

"Uh," she groaned frustrated. She just wanted to go to sleep instead of riding round after round on her mind's carousel.

Looking at the time on her mobile, she noticed that it was six thirty. After a moment of debating whether to get up or try again on sleep, she moved across the mattress and leaned over the rim of her bed on the other side. Hanging upside down, she eyed the box with Quinn's letter for a moment before she pulled it out and lifted it onto the bed.

Now, that was pathetic.

What would have happened if Quinn had not been admitted to the hospital? Would she have read the letters eventually or would she still have ignored them like a stubborn child? Would she have contacted Quinn one of these days or would she have continued to hide behind her walls and insecurities?

She tried to give herself some honest answers.

No, she would not have taken the box of letters out. She would not have had the courage to contact Quinn. She would not have known how to do it, what to say to make Quinn understand that nothing was the blonde's fault.

Rachel had lashed out in all her anger and pain. She had not even once tried to look back at how much happiness she had received over the past months and that - just like Lauren had said - the good days slowly started to outweigh the bad ones.

However, she had put too much weight rather on the disappointments than on her achievements.

Rachel still raked her brain to find out why she had overreacted so much.

As hard as facing the reality was, it was still better than hiding from it. It was better dealing with it, finding a way how to make it work for her instead of ignoring it completely and then one day being swept away by it, being dragged down deeper than before into another depression.

She had fought too hard over the past months to ever want to go back to such a state of devastation. And she never wanted to hurt someone again as much as she had hurt Quinn.

Slowly she opened the lid of the box and fished out the first letter her hand touched. It was sealed in an envelope with a stamp, but it had never been sent. There were dozens of such letters and Rachel wondered why Quinn never found the courage to send them. Had she been afraid of Rachel's reaction once she received them?

Carefully she slid her finger under the lid and started opening the letter.

Halfway through, she stopped. It felt like she was intruding into a private place.

But she had received the documents from the original sender, so she hoped it was still ok to read them even after everything that had happened. Then again, maybe just _because of_ what happened Quinn would not want her to read them anymore.

After a moment of hesitation, she placed the half opened envelop back into the box. She would ask Quinn about it and get her consent again before she would start reading.

_She would ask Quinn about it._

This thought replayed in the former Broadway star's mind several times.

She was going to see Quinn again this afternoon. The circumstances were absolutely disturbing, but whatever the reason why this accident had to happen, it had given both women the chance to reconnect. They would have to see where it led them.

Rachel placed the box at the foot of the bed and lay back onto the pillows. She felt a wave of fatigue wash over her again and this time she managed to let her mind rest and catch a handful of sleep.

… … …

When she woke up it was past noon. Groggily she rubbed her eyes and after a moment of collecting her senses she threw the covers back and walked into the bathroom.

Standing under the hot water that rained on her skin, she felt it wash away the last bit of tiredness. It felt soothing how the warm drops pricked her skin and ran down her back while she bent her head and leaned against the tiles with her hands. She could have stayed like this for hours, doing nothing but feeling the sensation of the droplets hit her skin. It was calming to not think about anything for a brief moment and just to concentrate on something so banal.

A little reluctantly she finally turned off the water and reached for her towel. Her skin was rosy from the warmth and she rubbed herself dry quickly.

After dressing in warm clothes, she made herself a late breakfast and opened her computer. The nurse had said visitors were allowed to get back around four in the afternoon. If everything was fine until then, they might even let Quinn take a short nap during the afternoon. Hopefully she was allowed to do that, Rachel thought. It must be awful not to be allowed to sleep to escape the pain.

Three and a half hours until four. Rachel wasn't sure what she would do with herself until then. She didn't feel like checking or writing e-mails, even though she knew she should tell her dads what had happened. They had called via Skype every day since she was back, but all she could tell them was that nothing had changed and that she tried to get through each day as best as she could. Now that she had finally something to report, she did not feel like calling. It was all too fragile and confusing still.

Just when she wanted to close her computer again, she noticed the call sign from Skype. Clicking on the accept button, Carmen's face filled the screen.

_Hey Rachel,_ she signed.

"Hi Carmen, good to see you! Happy New Year!" Rachel answered signing in parallel, surprised about the call.

_Happy New year to you too! Thought I'd give you a short call, we haven't seen each other for so long._

"Yes, that's right. When do the lessons start again? January 6th?"

_Yes, though there is not much I can teach you anymore, Rachel. We'll have to see how we schedule the rest of your lessons._

"Oh, really?" Rachel looked disappointed. She had come to like the teacher very much and would miss the regular lessons with her.

_Don't look so glum, that doesn't mean we don't get to talk anymore,_ Carmen smiled. _So, how have your holidays been?_

Rachel cast her eyes down and played with her fingers. "I… um… ok." She answered lamely.

Carmen studied her for a moment. Then she asked: _And why just "um… ok"?_

The brunette exhaled slowly and looked to the side. Carmen noticed the tired and sad look in Rachel's eyes when she turned her head back towards her. Something was off. It was a similar look that her pupil had worn when she had gotten to know her. What had happed to switch the light in Rachel's eyes off again? Hopefully Quinn had not broken up with her.

_Rachel, spill. What happened,_ Carmen then asked without any further preamble. _I see it in your face that something is wrong, so tell me._

Rachel was not sure if she wanted to bother her teacher with her problems. While she was debating with herself whether to tell Carmen or not, the other woman started signing again.

_Ok. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. But the way you look makes me worry about you. So maybe it will help talking about it?_ The black haired teacher suggested.

"I… I broke up with Quinn!" Rachel blurted out. "I… I was cruel and awful to her and … and I just pushed her away! I said so many mean things to her that I… I … I don't think I can ever ask her for forgiveness. And then she had this accident and now I'm even more confused and ashamed and … and... I just don't know what to do!" The memories of Quinn's and her disputes in Lima vividly came back into her mind.

Carmen asked her to start from the beginning to get a better understanding of what had happened and why.

After collecting herself, Rachel slowly told her about their drive to Lima, making up with her dads and the meeting with Shelby and Beth.

When she came to that fateful afternoon at McKinley, it was hard to get the words out. The discussions with Quinn afterwards where not easier to tell, which was not because Rachel did not remember. She remembered every single word they had exchanged. It was just so hard because she didn't feel that kind of anger and pain anymore that had made her say those hateful things.

The pain she felt now was of a different kind.

Carmen raised her hands.

_Rachel, I have seen many people of various ages who lost their hearing more or less completely. Every single one of them had set-backs. Some bigger, some smaller. Some even had them after a year or two, when they though that they had finally made peace with their situations._

Carmen lowered her hands and looked at her pupil. When the brunette did not react, she continued.

_Rachel, losing your hearing has such a deep impact on your life. That is nothing that you'll be able to accept in a matter of months. It might be easier for someone who can continue in his or her job with some adaptation, but for someone like you in that kind of_ _business adaptations are hardly possible._ _It will probably take a lot longer to accept and to find a new purpose in life._

Carmen paused for a moment, before she signed the next sentence. She knew that what she was going to say was the hardest part of all to comprehend.

_In order to find a new purpose, you will have to let go of your former life. Realizing that will always hurt._

"Yes it does," Rachel whispered.

_Seeing your friends from high school, from your former life was just that trigger that made you aware of the fact that you had to let it go. This probably led to that drastic reaction you were experiencing. I can also understand that you pushed Quinn away, because she represents the life you_ _have to say good-bye to._ _But it is not her life you need to give up or let go. Rachel, you need to distinguish between yourself and others - or Quinn in this case._

Carmen looked softly at Rachel. She knew her words were hard.

Understanding them also meant to realize that you were different and in Rachel's case it was not the kind of "different" she desired.

Rachel always wanted to be and had been different but because of her talent and drive. Now she was different because her body had failed her and pushed her to the sidelines. However, she had a lot going for her still and part of that were the people around her.

_The way I have gotten to know Quinn showed me that she is absolutely sincere about you. She loves you dearly and is willing to do as much for you as possible. And she was so surprised that you loved her back. She always had this incredulous look on her face when talking about how you confessed your love to her. She thought she doesn't deserve you, Rachel._

"Oh my god. And now, after everything I told her she probably thinks that she is guilty for my unhappiness. If she still thought she didn't deserve me for whatever reason, I just put oil on the fire. She felt guilty enough already without me accusing her of all the things I told her."

_Go back. You said she wanted to see you. Maybe you'll have a chance to talk about all this._

"Yeah." Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. Then she changed the topic. She couldn't talk about this anymore. At least not with other people. There was just one person she needed to talk to. _Really_ talk to – if this one person let her.

"How were your holidays? Did you enjoy your ski trip?"

Carmen laughed.

_Yes, we had great weather and enjoyed the time with our friends and family in the romantic little cottage in the middle of nowhere. The toilet was outside and god, it was soooo cold!_

"Uh, I can imagine, sounds lovely," Rachel answered not convinced. Carmen laughed again seeing Rachel's dubious look.

_It wasn't so bad, all in all. It gave us a new appreciation of all the luxury we have in our daily life._

Yes, that was exactly what Rachel thought. Once you lose something, you start to see its real value.

"Hm." Was all she could manage.

Carmen studied her for a moment through the computer screen.

What Rachel was feeling and experiencing was not new to her. She had seen many of her pupils lash out in anger at people who loved them most. They felt vulnerable and alone in their silence and often times the person or persons closest to them were the ones who knew most about their loss. Even though they also had to deal with the consequences it was still different. They only saw everything from the outside, hardly ever getting a glimpse behind the scenes of what it really meant to be deaf.

The people closest to you were those who were also the easiest to hurt. People dealing with their loss often tried unconsciously to let others feel the same level of pain, regardless of what consequences.

Carmen hoped that Rachel would understand that it was natural to still feel hurt, alone and lost sometimes, but that she would have to stay strong and find the courage to face those feelings in order to overcome them.

The teacher also hoped that Quinn's love for Rachel was strong enough to conquer their differences and to find forgiveness.

When it did not seem that Rachel wanted to say anything further, Carmen lifted her hands again.

_Rachel, you know you are entitled to an interpreter in certain situations? I'm not talking about me helping out, this offer always stands, Rachel. But have you thought of hiring an interpreter when you go out, so Quinn or your other friends would not have to interpret all the time? Besides, a schooled interpreter could give you a very good impression of what is going on around you, better than Quinn and Kurt are able to do just yet._ _Especially in the early phases of adapting this might help you and your friends to relax a bit more until everyone is more apt at signing._

"I … I remember you told me in the beginning of our classes when we spoke about all the support I should or could get. Somehow it slipped my mind." She thought about the suggestion for a moment, before answering.

_This might ease some of your tension, because Quinn would know that you didn't miss out as much. You would be kept in the loop and felt better about Quinn not having to interpret for you the whole time. You don't have to do it all the time, but once in a while it might help you both relax a bit in situations where a lot of people are around._

"You are right. That might be a good idea."

_I can give you some contacts if you would like to meet someone and learn more about how this works._

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I would like that."

Then she remembered that she also had the address from Shelby's friend, the speech therapist, with whom she wanted to make an appointment as well.

"Thank you for your help," she then smiled at her teacher. "Sorry for rambling on about my problems."

Carmen smiled. _Rachel, that is absolutely ok. This wasn't just a social call, I have to admit. I know that certain events such as Christmas or New Year can be difficult to face in the beginning. I wanted to know how you were. I'm glad that you managed to get along better with your fathers and I'm proud of you for having discussed your problems with them._

"Yeah, I'm also happy about that. At least one thing that went right. Thank you again for listening, Carmen. I mean it."

_Your welcome, Rachel. And don't forget how you handled Shelby's and Beth surprise visit at the café. The way you told me, you handled it beautifully and brave. Don't diminish that accomplishment._

Rachel gave a small nod when she saw the imploring eyes of her teacher.

_Take care and I'll see you in a week. If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to call me, ok? I mean it too, Rachel._

"Promise, I will," Rachel smiled and gave her teacher a small wave good-bye that the other woman mirrored before they disconnected the call.

Leaning back in her chair, Rachel let out a long breath before she propped her elbows on the table and leaned her head into her hands.

After a moment she got up and wanted to prepare herself another cup of coffee. Thinking about it, she discarded the cold rest of her first one and decided to drink some tea. Her nerves where jittery enough already. She didn't need any caffeine to boost them even further.

What would happen when she got back to the hospital? Would Quinn push her away or did she want to talk? Well, she was probably very tired and the pain must still be intense.

She sat down on the couch with her tea and propped her feet up on the table in front of her. Just when she placed her phone on the cushion next to her, it started vibrating in her hand. Rachel quickly opened the message.

_Hi Berry! Quinn asked if she could have her own  
PJ for the night and some other clothes she could wear  
if they release her tomorrow (hopefully).  
I'm gonna drop __them_ _of at your flat  
around 2.30 on my way to my client so  
you can bring __'em_ _to her when you go visit.  
You __will_ _go visit Quinn, won't you?_  
S.

Well, there was no way back, was there? Rachel knew that this was probably the only chance she had so try to get it right.

She had to laugh at the last thought.

Her original song _'Get it right'_ popped into her head and she had to smile at the memory.

No. There was no way back.

Either way, music would always haunt her and with it the pain in her heart knowing she pushed away one thing - or person, rather - that was more precious to her then her own voice.

_Yes, Santana, I'll go see Quinn later.  
If she still wants me to come, that is, _ Rachel texted back.

_Otherwise she would not have asked_  
for you to take her clothes with you, right? Santana pointed out logically.

_She asked you that, Santana. Does she know_   
_you're dropping her stuff off at my place? Is she ok_   
_with that?_

Rachel tried to stop presuming things and rather asked about them, even though she knew Santana would roll her eyes at that question. The expected answer came right back.

_Stop playing with words, Rachel and get some_   
_sense into you or Imma smack you, I swear._   
_But to ease your mind, she will probably send you a_   
_text as well, 'cause she asked me to bring her_   
_stuff to you, knowing I would probably only manage_   
_to come back later in the evening._   
_Satisfied?_

Now Rachel rolled her eyes. Santana was the only person who managed to be her authentic self even through a short text message.

_Calm down Santana, I'm not backing out.  
See you in a bit._

_Good. C u._ Was Santana's short reply.

Rachel laid the phone on the couch cushion next to her. Well, apparently Quinn still counted on her to visit. That was good, wasn't it?

"Calm down Rachel. Just take one step at a time. Go there, see how she is and then you both can take it from there", she muttered to herself just as her phone went off again. Curiously she opened the message.

It was from Quinn.

_Hello Rachel!_  
I was wondering if you are still planning  
on coming to _visit_ _. I would like that very much._   
_If it is ok with you Santana would drop some_   
_clothes for me off at your place. (Though that is not_   
_the reason why I would be happy to see you!)_   
_Quinn_

Rachel felt a small smile creep across her lips while reading the message. Collecting her courage, she texted back:

_Hello Quinn, how are you feeling? Santana_   
_told me about the clothes and I'll bring them_   
_with me. I promised I would come back._   
_So I will :-)_   
_Rachel_

_Come back-back or just come back to the hospital?_

Rachel gasped at the question and was at a loss for words. After a moment she decided to play it save.

_What do you mean by 'back-back'?_

It took a while before receiving an answer.

_Nothing, forget it. Glad to see you later.  
Trying to take a nap now. Need my beauty sleep._

Quinn offered her a safe way out of the tricky part of their conversation, but before Rachel could stop herself, her fingers flew across the keys.

_You will never need a 'beauty sleep', you know that. :-)_

God, had she sent two smilies in that short text conversation already?

_After last night, I do, believe me. Had a look in the  
mirror this morning…_

Quinn's answer made her smile.

_Nothing a good rest and time won't cure._ Then Rachel repeated her question from earlier. _  
How are you feeling?_

_A tiny bit better, though my whole body still  
hurts like hell. _

_Can imagine. …_ Rachel's fingers hovered over the keyboard then gave herself a push and typed the next sentence.  
 _Quinn, what did you mean by 'back-back'?_

She had a good guess, but she wanted to hear it from Quinn. Her heart was beating faster while she waited for an answer. It took longer than before, and when she thought that Quinn had indeed fallen asleep on the other end of the line, the message arrived.

_Sorry, I did not want to put you_   
_under pressure. It was a stupid remark. Don't_   
_have my head straight back on, I guess._

Rachel knew what the remark had referred to, even if Quinn did not say it directly, but it was clear what she had hinted at. She sighed. She wished she could go back – back to when everything was still ok, when her life seemed to be on the right track.

She had to face the truth.

And the truth was that she could not go back in time. She and Quinn had to stay in the here and now.

_You don't have to apologize, Quinn._   
_We have lot to talk about. And we should not start with_   
_holding back. Not with little nor with big things._   
_But you should get better first. Take that nap now!_   
_See you later._   
_Rachel_

… … …

Quinn looked at the text and read it again. This sounded so much like the Rachel she knew. Straight forward and ready to tackle whatever problem stood in her way. What did that mean? Was Rachel really ready to talk about what happened?

Was she, Quinn, ready to talk about what happened as well? Would she really be ready to get back with Rachel after all she had said to her, with all the issues that stood between them?

Quinn knew it would take some time before they both would arrive at being comfortable around each other again. But the big question was if either of them was willing to try, was willing to face the truth and find their way through it.

Quinn felt the fatigue creeping up again and sent a quick ' _see you later'_ back, before she laid her phone down beside her and closed her eyes. However, sleep would not come right away. Behind her closed eye lids Rachel's face appeared over and over again, how she had sat next to her bed, held her hand and looked at her with those big brown eyes.

Quinn hoped she would be able to go home soon and start dealing with their problems, even though a part of her was nervous about how to even begin. It was clear that Rachel had given her the control of how fast she wanted to proceed, depending on her health and heart.

Well, they would just have to wait and see. First came Rachel's visit and everything else they would have to take from there.

With that thought she fell into a restful sleep.


	55. Chapter 55

 

**Glee belongs to Fox Television.**

* * *

**Chapter 55**

There seemed to be a noise at the door of Quinn's hospital room that called for her attention, but she was still _so_ tired. She just could not rouse herself from sleep completely. Actually, she wasn't sure if anything could manage to convince her to ever wake up again. Sleeping felt soooooo good after that nasty nurse had shaken her awake at least a million times during the rest of the night and the main part of the day before the doctor had finally allowed her to take a nap.

Her vitals where strong and her reflexes and memory were also perfect considering the circumstances. Dr. Bord had visited her on her last round before her shift had ended. She told the nurse that Quinn was allowed to sleep a short while if she stayed stable until three o'clock in the afternoon.

When the word finally came that she was permitted to close her eyes, Quinn thought this was better than heaven as she drifted off.

The blonde held on to the wisps of sleep and tuned out the noise that came from the door again. Then a warm hand covered hers in her dreamy state.

That felt nice. That was something she managed to focus on.

"Mhhm." She stirred a little.

"Shhhh, sleep if you need the rest Quinn, I can come back later" she heard a soft voice say.

Come back later? That… wait!

With a start Quinn opened her eyes. It took her another moment to come into a state of full wakefulness, but when her eyes focused on the person next to her, she was fully conscious in and instant.

"Rachel," she stated.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you, I hoped you would sleep a little longer."

"No no, it's ok, it's fine," the blonde mumbled, catching Rachel's questioning glance.

"Oh," Quinn realized that she probably had not understood her muttered reply. Slowly and reluctantly she slid her hand out from under Rachel's and picked up her phone that still lay on her bed and typed her remark.

Seeing how difficult it was for Quinn to do that, the former singer fished a paper and pen out of her bag. Quinn smiled and nodded. It was easier to write than to type with one hand if you couldn't hold the phone up very well to see what you were typing. The messages from their conversation before had cost her quite an effort to produce.

"Quinn, if I had known how difficult it is for you to type those messages, I would have told you to stop!" Rachel stated with a worried glance at Quinn, as if reading her thoughts.

Quinn was able to write on her own this time, without Rachel having to hold the pad, because propped her bed up higher.

_It would have been easier if they had allowed me to crank the bed up a bit before. I'm glad we did write those messages. Don't worry about me. I guess, I'll live. Painfully so, but I'll live._

Rachel smiled at the comment.

Then she looked up and the blonde had the feeling of losing herself in the depth of Rachel's eyes. She saw so many emotions twirling around there and she was sure Rachel saw the same in her own eyes.

"So, how are you feeling?" Rachel asked, breaking the silence.

Quinn blinked and needed a second until her brain registered the question. She had been so caught in Rachel's gaze. Then she tried to figure out how to answer that question best. She decided not to dance around the topic and posed a question herself.

_Do you mean physically or emotionally?_

Rachel frowned when she read the words. Exhaling slowly, she simply said: "Both."

Quinn studied her for a moment. She had noticed how Rachel signed along her words and wondered when and why she had started doing this. It was fascinating to watch. Rachel had not signed much before when she talked and there were only hearing people around her.

Instead of answering Rachel's original question, Quinn posed another one.

_Why do you keep signing? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't bother me, I'm just curious, because you hardly ever did it before when it was just us or only hearing people around._

Rachel looked at her hands and then back at Quinn. She gave her a similar answer as to what she had already told Kurt and Santana.

"I found out that … this kind of helps me to hear myself talk. And I noticed that I needed the practice. I hardly ever signed around you guys, partly because I did not want to stand out more than I already did, partly because I didn't see the point. You can all hear and I can talk."

_So now you have accepted it more as a way of expressing yourself, not matter if there are no deaf people around you?_

Rachel tilted her head slightly. "Yes. In way it is like that." After a pause, she added: "I guess I tried to hide. It sounds illogical, because you still had to sign to me in order I that could understand, but…I still tried to appear as "normal" as possible.

Quinn laughed, which caused the other woman to frown. Quickly she picked up her pen and started explaining.

_Rachel, you were_ _never_ _normal!_

It took the brunette a second, but then she also had to laugh. "True."

Quinn's heart jumped a little when she saw the short but beautiful little laughter light up Rachel's face for a few seconds. Oh, she wanted so much for this light to stay there, but she was not sure what to do.

There was still this strange restrained atmosphere between them and Quinn had no idea how to dissolve it. She wanted to get back to the same level of comfort they had felt around each other before the whole Lima thing.

The blonde pulled the pad a little closer.

_I like that you are doing it. Don't ever stop on my behalf, Rachel,_ she scribbled down and smiled at her.

"Quinn, …" - again Quinn had to smile when she saw Rachel use her name sign, - … I honestly don't know … I mean, I'm not sure if you… what I'm trying to say is…" Rachel staggered to find the right words and then shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "Gosh, let me start over again."

She took a deep breath. "I feel torn between wanting to be here, wanting to be there for you and take care of you and feeling so ashamed of my actions that I'd like to run from this room in order not to have to look you in the eyes and see all this hurt and confusion."

Quinn lifted her hand and waited until Rachel placed hers into it. Then Quinn squeezed it slightly.

_Thank you for being honest with me, Rachel. I was nervous about your visit, I have to admit. I wasn't sure if you'd really come, even though you promised. I have the feeling I completely lost touch with you, that we lost our connection and that scares the hell out of me._

Quinn let her eyes rest on Rachel's and felt a tear sneak its way down her cheek.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered. "I'm so sorry."

_Rachel, I didn't say that to make you feel guilty. I just wish… I wish I could turn back time to make all things right that went wrong._

"Oh, Quinn, I know that would make it very easy, but we have to live now and not in the past. And _you_ didn't do anything wrong!"

_Yes I did. I was not open and honest with my feelings about several things. I should have talked to you about them._

"And so did I! As I've said, we can't live with the "should haves" and "would haves"; this will never help us move forward."

_Yes, that's true. But what does that mean now for us?_

Quinn tried to sit up a little more and grimaced as the pain shot through her body. "Uh, damn," she breathed while Rachel jumped up from her chair.

"Let me help you, what do you need?"

Quinn pointed at the second pillow that lay at the foot of her bed. Rachel followed the outstretched finger with her eyes.

"Can you get me that?" Quinn asked when Rachel looked back at her and then rested her eyes on her lips.

"Sure." The brunette pulled the pillow close. "Where do you want it?"

Quinn pointed with her thumb slightly behind her. She still couldn't move her good arm much, but Rachel understood. Very slowly she slipped an arm around Quinn's back to help her sit up a little while she positioned the pillow behind her.

She kept her eyes trained on Quinn's face to check if any of her movements caused her more pain. Carefully she helped her to lower herself back into the pile of pillows.

Rachel saw the blonde mouth a "thank you" and smiled back in answer.

Both women looked at each other for a long moment, and then Quinn whispered "I'm sorry!"

Rachel shook her head in confusion. "Why… why are _you_ sorry?" Her hands followed her words.

Taking the pen in her hand the blonde wrote down her answer.

_Because this forced you to see me. I know otherwise we would not have met… so soon. If ever._

"Oh, Quinn," Rachel managed before her eyes swam with tears after reading those words. "Nothing _forced_ me to come, except… except my love for you." Quinn was hardly able to hear the last words Rachel uttered almost voiceless. She was glad that she signed along. And for the next sentence Rachel did not find the courage to speak at all. She just let her hands form the words.

_You know that I still love you, don't you?_

Quinn watched the expression on Rachel's face and it told her more than a thousand words.

She nodded. "Yes." _But why is_ _it_ _then so difficult for us to be together?_ She scribbled on the paper.

"Because I made it difficult, Quinn. Because I let my head rule over my heart. Because I did not listen to my feelings and instead of talking about things I swallowed them and then ran away."

Quinn shook her head. _No. It was not all your fault, Rachel._ _As I've said before,_ _I should have told you how I felt in certain situations as well, but I never did. I thought it wasn't important and so I kept silent._ _We both have to pledge guilty._

Then she repeated her question from a moment ago. _So, where does that leave us now?_

Rachel took a deep breath.

"I guess it leaves us exactly where we are right now. Unsure of how to feel in regards to each other, unsure of how to deal with the whole issue and unsure of how to solve everything that stands between us." She broke eye contact with Quinn for a moment and looked at the gray sky outside. "And it leaves me at a place where I'm very unsure if I can ever ask you for forgiveness for what I did and how I behaved," she finally managed with a low voice, her eyes wandering back, searching Quinn's.

Quinn absorbed the words she was hearing. She felt exactly the same.

Unsure.

Unsure about everything except the fact that she still loved Rachel. But despite her deranged state and the still pounding headache she was not distracted from the fact that they had to find a way to make things work, before they could grow together again.

However, Quinn was glad and relieved that Rachel had taken the first step – or rather the second, counting the night before – to come and see her. As much as Quinn wanted to just open her arms and wrap them around the petite women, something held her back – and it wasn't just the pain in her limbs. She wasn't sure if it was her own fear of what would happen if she let herself go or if it was the hesitation she felt coming from Rachel.

She damned the stairs that were responsible for her bruises. Then Quinn realized that it wasn't the stairs but herself who had caused the fall. Had she taken better care of herself, this wouldn't have happened. Had she paid more attention to Rachel, _all_ of this wouldn't have happened.

She focused back on the woman sitting next to her bed. The brown eyes still rested on Quinn's face. Again the blonde saw the mixture of fear and hope in them.

… … …

Rachel soaked up the hazel color and almost got lost in the little golden flecks she always adored and that gave Quinn's eyes such a warm hue. Behind the tiredness that was so obvious she tried to read what was going on in the other woman's mind.

She felt that Quinn was open to talk and that she appreciated the little touches.

Whenever Rachel's fingers came in contact with Quinn's skin, she felt the old electric spark ride up her arm, waking a longing that was hard to bear. Still, this longing was mixed with the fear of rejection. Nothing so far in Quinn's behavior hinted at the latter, but there was something…

Rachel jumped when a nurse appeared right next to her. The woman spoke to Quinn and the blonde nodded a few times. When she left, Quinn wrote down their conversation.

_They are going to move me into another room in a moment. And they will give me something solid to eat tonight._ _I_ _might be able to go home tomorrow if the night is fine and I'll keep in the food._

"That's great, Quinn!" Rachel exclaimed. Then after a pause: "How will you get home?"

Quinn shrugged and winced in the process. _Don't know, take a cab, probably. Santana has to work, she already told me._

"Quinn, you can hardly move, how will you get home by yourself!?" Rachel asked exasperated.

_Very slowly, I guess,_ Quinn wrote with a wry smile as an answer.

"Haha, very funny," Rachel huffed. "No, seriously."

_Seriously what?_

Rachel closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, Quinn was still looking at her. It was diffictult to gauge what went on behind those green eyes. It was the second time in a short interval where Quinn had shut her out. She deserved it, she knew, but it still hurt.

Slowly, she let out a deep breath.

"Quinn, let me help you." She then simply stated, still signing along her words.

Again Quinn locked eyes with her and this time Rachel was able to see the emotions that chased through them.

_Rachel, I don't want you to have to do this out of an obligation. You don't have to be here if it makes you uncomfortable. I still have your words in my ears and I feel like I'm imposing too much with this whole fucked up situation knowing that being with me causes you so much pain,_ Quinn bravely wrote, teas slipping down her cheek with the last sentence.

"Quinn…," Rachel whispered, also feeling tears form in her eyes. "I know I hurt you beyond means and I don't know if I can ever gain your trust again."

_Do you want to, Rachel? Because I'm at a loss here. I mean, I'm happy to see you, to see you care, but I'm still so confused. I haven't changed, our circumstances haven't changed. So I don't know what to expect…_

Rachel's eyes rushed over the sentence. "Fair enough."

She took a deep breath. "Quinn, I know that our circumstances have not changed and probably never will. More than you I have to face the fact that I am deaf and … probably will be for the rest of my life. And you are and always will be a singer." She pressed her lips together and rested her hands in her lap for a moment, before she continued.

"All of my reactions had nothing to do with you. You were just the person who was closest to me and who has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I wanted someone else to feel as vulnerable, to feel all the pain I was feeling and you were the person I could hurt the most. I was so overwhelmed with my feelings that I just couldn't think rationally anymore."

The last words Rachel barely managed to whisper. The shame she felt was almost as painful as the thought of losing Quinn. "I felt sorry for myself and projected everything on you, lashing out when the only person I should have screamed at should have been myself. Through all my silence, you were there and I did nothing to recognize what a gift that truly was to have you in my life and for you to accept me as I am."

She stood up. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry and ashamed." Rachel managed in a low voice.

She had not signed in parallel this time, because she did not want to see her hands form those hurtful words. She was glad that she had managed to voice them at all. Now Quinn would probably want her to leave. Rachel did not dare to look at the other woman. She held her eyes cast down on the floor and picked up her bag. Slowly, she stood up. When she turned she felt a warm hand on hers.

For a moment she stood there, motionless, unsure of what to do. Then Quinn tugged at her hand slightly to get her attention.

Slowly, she turned and let her gaze crawl up from Quinn's hand still holding her own, up the blonde's slender arm until she met her eyes again. They were bright with tears, but to her surprise a tiny smile played around Quinn's lips.

The blonde let go of the other hand and picked up the pen. _Thank you for your honesty, Rachel._

Then she took Rachel's hand again and stroke a soft thumb over the back of her hand.

"Being here is not an obligation, Quinn."

Quinn tilted her head and nodded slightly. Rachel did not say anything further and it was clear that she was waiting for Quinn to decide if she still wanted her here or not.

"So, what now?" The brunette then asked with a low voice when Quinn did not say anything for a few moments.

Finally, another small smile appeared on the blonde's beautiful features. She had noticed the travel bag Rachel had placed on the floor besides the chair.

_Maybe you can help me getting dressed in my own PJ?_

Rachel's expression softened. "I think I can do that."

She took the bag Santana had dropped earlier at her place and put it on the bed.

"Santana also packed your tooth-brush and some other stuff," Rachel stated, while rummaging around the bag, pulling out Quinn's favorite flannel pajama. It was wide and soft and had a white and blue stripe pattern on the top, while the pants where solid sky blue.

The brunette placed the bag on the floor again and held the fabric in her hand. "How shall we do this?" She threw a glance at Quinn with a small frown and a concerned look in her eyes. "I don't want to hurt you."

Then Rachel realized what she had just said.

"I mean… I… I… god, that sounded so wrong in the light of recent events, I'm sorry," she then apologized.

"It's ok," Quinn whispered and slowly took her left arm out of the sling. This was going to take a very long time. Every inch of her body seemed to hurt and when she hissed in pain her ribs reminded her smartly that this was also something she should not do.

Oh, it was so frustrating! It reminded her of the car accident she had been in during high school.

When she had woken up she had not been able to do anything for herself either. Yes, she had been in pain, but the most frustrating thing had been not being able to tell her legs or her lower body from the waist down to move. She painfully had to relearn to rebuild her muscles and how to just hoist herself into a sitting position and keep the balance.

Compared to that, she definitely preferred this situation now. At least the pain told her that she could feel everything. And it was only temporary. So she grit her teeth and let Rachel carefully slip the hospital night gown off her shoulders and down her arms.

She noticed how Rachel's eyes hung a second longer than necessary at her exposed breasts before she quickly grabbed the pajama top. Luckily, it was one with buttons in the front that made it much easier to put on.

While helping Quinn to slip her left arm into the respective ending of the garment, Rachel brushed against Quinn's breast with her wrist and let out an involuntary breath. The touch sent Quinn's nerves on high alert and if she had been able to move better, she would have held Rachel's hand right there on the sensitive spot.

"Sorry," the petite woman apologized with a raspy voice, trying to stay focused on the task at hand and not to think about what that small skin contact did to her.

Finally, she closed the last button and worked with Quinn on the next challenge to get the pants on. That was much more painful, because the blonde had to lift her bottom off the mattress, which was not possible without her groaning in pain several times while she half sitting half lying shimmied into the pants.

Rachel drew her brows together and bit her lip every time she felt Quinn wince in pain.

After they were finished, both women almost felt like they had finished a marathon. Quinn closed her eyes for a moment, hoping for the tender spots to stop firing off warning signals to her brain.

After a couple of long moments, she managed a tired: "Thank you."

Rachel smiled. "You're welcome, Quinn."

A moment later two nurses came and they moved the blonde's bed into the other room. The bed next to her was empty, which was a blessing.

Rachel stored the bag in the closet and then helped Quinn to brush her teeth. Noting how tired the blonde looked, she decided to let her rest again.

Before she left, Rachel brought up the courage and asked: "What about tomorrow? If they let you go home, I mean."

Quinn searched for the pen and paper that they had packed somewhere before she had moved. Rachel found it in the overnight bag and handed it to Quinn.

The blonde hesitated a moment before the tip of the pen touched the paper to draw out the words.

_Well, seeing how difficult it was to put my PJs on, I agree that it might be even more difficult to get into a car alone. And before I lean on a taxi driver, I'd much rather lean on you. If your offer still stands, I would very much like you to help me._

Quinn slowly looked up to see Rachel's reaction.

A small smile graced the brunette's lips as she nodded. "Then I'll be here. Let me know at what time as soon as you have the details, ok?"

Quinn nodded. She felt so tired and was not sure she could stay awake until they might serve her some solid food to eat.

"Ok, I'll let you rest now. Sleep a bit and get well."

Rachel reached out and stopped midway, only to resume her movement after a few seconds, cupping Quinn's left cheek with her right hand. Very gently she stroke her thumb across the soft and still much too pale skin.

Quinn leaned against the hand and closed her eyes for a moment, reveling in the touch, before she felt the warmth slip away as Rachel pulled back.

At the door Rachel turned around and gave a short wave with her hand. "See you tomorrow."

Quinn lifted her hand slightly as well and smiled, forming the letters C and U with her fingers.

After Rachel had slipped out the door, Quinn closed her eyes again and recalled the warmth of the other woman's fingers on her cheek, before she fell into an exhausted sleep.


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter 56**

Later, on her way home from the hospital, Rachel recalled the moment when she had helped Quinn getting dressed. Her wrist still tingled where she had accidently touched Quinn's breast with. Subconsciously she rubbed it with her thumb; as if she could brush the memory away, but the more she focused on it them more the pictures came back. She shuddered and felt an involuntary moan escape her lips.

Quickly, she looked up to see if anybody sitting near her on the subway train had heard, but the other few passengers did not even look her way.

God, she had to stop this. It was one point to listen to her heart, but it was another if her body also threw in his opinion. She was short of losing all rational.

Trying to distract herself, she thought about her second talk with the nurse from the night shift in the emergency room. Rachel had decided to check if she was working when she left Quinn and as luck would have it, Kayla Johnson was on duty again.

Rachel had walked up to her to thank her again for her help during the night.

"Hello Ms. Johns…"

Remembering that the nurse had asked them to not be called by her surname, Rachel addressed her by her first name.

"Hello Kayla."

The nurse looked up from her paperwork and recognizing who stood in front of her, she smiled.

"Hi!"

"I just wanted to thank you again for your help yesterday. You were very considerate and helped me not to lose my mind."

The other woman held up a finger, grabbed a paper and wrote a note that she handed to Rachel.

_You're welcome. How is your friend?_

"She is in pain, can hardly move, but other than that she is doing fine! Maybe they'll let her go home tomorrow."

_That is great. Have you found your other friend as well?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes, she came to visit last night as well when Quinn was already upstairs."

_I'm glad that everything is ok._

"Yes, me too. Well, I don't want to disturb you any further; through it still seems very quiet for an emergency center."

Kayla shrugged and wrote down her answer again. _Yes, sometimes we have a lull and then it picks up at double speed. Always feels like the calm before the storm._ She smiled.

"I hope the storm won't be too bad then," Rachel smiled back. "Have a good start into the year."

_Thank you, you, too!_

Rachel lifted her hand and waved shortly. Kayla responded likewise and the brunette turned towards the exit. A moment later she felt a hand on her arm.

Looking around she found the blonde woman with the blue eyes beckoning her to wait. The nurse quickly walked back to her desk and standing next to it bent over to write something down again.

The former singer stood curiously to the side and waited patiently until she handed her the note.

_I usually don't do that, but can I ask you a personal question?_

Rachel frowned slightly. "Sure."

Kayla took a little longer to write down what she wanted to know. Rachel wondered what this was about. Finally the nurse gave her the paper.

_I hope I'm not too insensitive with this, but I saw you on Broadway some time ago._

Well, that confirmed what Rachel had seen the night before when she told Kayla her and Quinn's name. The nurse had recognized them, but had acted very professionally about it. She wondered why she addressed this topic now. Somehow, it did not really disturb her, she was just curious about what the other woman wanted to know.

Rachel almost had to smile when she realized that within a few short days, the same subject came up again and again. Apparently the more she tried to hide from it, the more it pushed itself into her life again. Resistance seemed futile.

She read on. Kayla was clearly unsure if she was overstepping a boundary here.

_I'm not sure if this is appropriate to ask or to address the topic, so tell me if I'm over the line here, ok?_

Rachel looked up. "No, it's ok," she said quietly, having a good idea what the next query was about.

Kayla slowly wrote down her next question.

_Have you lost your hearing_ _recently_ _?_

"Yes. I was in an accident in March last year." Rachel was still wondering what this was leading up to, she had the feeling that this was not the actual question Kayla wanted to ask.

_I'm sorry to hear that._

Kayla hesitated. Apparently she was still debating whether to ask what was actually on her mind.

"Was that the question you wanted to ask me?"

Kayla shook her head and Rachel smiled encouragingly. The woman had supported her last night when she was in desperate need of help, so the least she could do was give the nurse the chance to tell her whatever was on her mind.

_I have a friend who teaches at the school for the deaf. She was going to take the kids to a Broadway show and before doing that she was looking for someone who could tell the kids a little bit about it. I know it might sound strange that she wants to take kids who can't hear to a musical, but she believes that in the right setting it still could be a good experience for them._

_I was wondering if you were willing to talk to them about your experience of working on_ _Broadway_ _and how setting up a show works etc.? I can understand if the topic might be too sensitive for you and that you may not want to do it. It was just an idea I had._

Rachel stared at the sheet of paper longer than necessary. She had to swallow a couple of times and then took a deep breath before she looked up.

Kayla placed a hand on her fore arm and shook her head. Rachel read the words _I'm sorry_ from her lips and the nurse made a dismissive gesture with her other hand. She was clearly apologizing for her words, telling Rachel to forget about it. The blonde reached out to take the paper back, but Rachel tried to re-assure her.

"No. I… you don't have to apologize. It's ok. I… uh… I'm just a little overwhelmed at your request, that's all."

Quickly Kayla took the pen up again.

_You don't have to do it if you're not_ _comfortable._

Rachel smiled wistfully. "You know, I have firsthand experience on how it is to watch a Broadway show being deaf. I visited Quinn's show once and it was quite an… interesting experience, to say the least," she explained, thinking back to that evening.

"Really?" The blonde woman was astonished.

Rachel nodded and smiled.

Kayla held up a hand and then made the instinctual sign for phone, placing her hand next to her ear, thumb and pinky extended "Phone," she mouthed. Then she held up a finger to ask Rachel to wait a moment.

The brunette looked back at the words in her hands. To speak about her experience on Broadway to deaf kids was nothing she had ever envisioned herself to do. She was glad Kayla was distracted by the phone call, because it gave her a moment to let this idea sink in.

Looking at it objectively, she was the perfect person to do this. She was a singer and knew Broadway by heart. She knew what went on behind the curtain and how it felt to stand on stage in front of the audience eight times a week.

She also knew what it meant to be deaf. That she had visited Quinn's show was something that could also help her to tell those kids how they could experience such an event and how to make it as interesting as possible for them. And maybe they could also talk to the actors before or after the show to get a real insight and a look behind the scenes.

With her knowledge and experience she could make the visit to the show for the kids really worthwhile.

The more she thought about it, the more she warmed up to the idea. She already had a show in mind, which was quite obvious but… well, there were some other issues she needed to take care of first.

She would have to ask her heart if she could really do it, because if she committed to it, it would not do to break down in the middle of it. Either she had to do it wholeheartedly or not at all. She had to be fair to the kids and to herself.

This would be a complete one hundred eighty turn from her behavior, feelings and thoughts just a couple of days ago. It was overwhelming to spin around so fast and Rachel was not sure how she should deal with that.

It was as if she did not know herself anymore.

Then it dawned on her.

Again, her heart knew all along what was right. It was just that her mind that had such difficulties to let go. The harder she tried to hold on to something, the harder and more difficult life became.

Carmen's words came back to her. _You have to let go._

Maybe – if she managed to let go - she was then ready for a new start. But it was scary not knowing if such an outbreak of emotions would happen again, leaving her without control over the situation and over herself.

Kayla finished her call and stood up, smiling at Rachel with a mixture between apology and hopefulness.

Rachel let out a breath. "Kayla, I appreciate your idea and I can understand why you asked me to do it. I worked on Broadway a couple of years and I even went to watch a show… after my accident. I hadn't expected it at that time, but in the end, it truly was a positive experience for me. Mainly because I had a … personal connection to it," she smiled and pointed upwards.

Kayla nodded, understanding the reference to Quinn Fabray.

"And I know that with the right planning and preparation these kids could have a wonderful experience as well." She looked down for a moment, collecting her thoughts.

"I'll be honest with you. I'm still struggling with the whole topic. It doesn't mean that I don't want to do it, I just need to be sure that I can pull it through and not break down in front of the whole class crying when talking about my former life."

Kayla inclined her head and wrote a comment. _I can totally understand that Rachel! I don't want to pressure you and it is fine if you decline._

"Do you know when your friend has planned the visit?"

_No, it was an idea she told me a couple of days ago. She hasn't planned anything yet, so take your time._

"How old are the kids?"

_They are in second grade, so eight or nine._

That was around Beth's age. Thinking of Beth, another idea came into her head. She felt really bad that she had spoiled their Christmas dinner by her rash behavior and Beth had been so excited to see her again. She had not even apologized to Shelby and the girl. That was something, she definitely had to do. She had really enjoyed the talk with the ten year old and it would be glad to see her again. And Shelby of course.

Before she knew it, some part in her was already putting a frame to this whole idea with the kids and a visit from Beth.

She had to stop before it galloped off without the rest of her being able to follow. She needed her whole being to be present and not just a part of her, if that was what she was going to do.

"Give me some time to think about it, ok?"

_Of course! And thank you for taking the time considering it._

Rachel nodded. "Maybe I can give back some of the kindness you showed me yesterday. How can I best reach you?"

_I can give you my phone number and whenever you have made a decision or if you have any further questions, just text me. Would that work for you?_

"Yes, that's fine."

Kayla noted down her mobile number and added after a moment of hesitation: _I think that you are a great actress and singer. I really loved you on stage._

"Thank you." Rachel was touched by the kind words. "Talk to you soon." After a second she added: "Thank you for asking me about this," she waved the paper where Kayla had written down her idea.

Kayla smiled and nodded. Rachel turned and walked through the emergency center doors outside.

Funny, how quickly life can change, she thought again. Just twenty-four hours ago she had rushed through these doors in panic and worry, now she walked through them with her heart filled with hope.

She wondered how life seemed wanting to show her which way to go and how she was too blind to see it. Over and over it presented her with possibilities and if she opened her heart and put her mind and worries to rest, if she opened up to the adventure, it would probably be much easier for her than fighting and struggling against it all the time. She had experienced what the outcome of all this fighting had been and it wasn't pretty.

Instead of embracing the good parts about life, she had focused only on the bad.

She had focused on the lack of sensitivity of her Glee Club friends instead of the consideration they tried to show with signing _Imagine_. She still would not have been able to enjoy the day as much as if she had her hearing intact, but it would have been up to her as well to contribute and to make her day worthwhile and happy.

_She_ herself had to work on making her life fulfilling. She could not expect others to serve it to her on a golden plate.

Rachel placed a hand on her forehead when this realization washed over her again. In the lobby of the hospital she sat down onto one of the chairs and let this thought sink in.

Yes, she had to take up responsibility for her life again. The universe had just given her another wonderful chance to do so.

Even though she knew she would never perform on stage again, there was something about the idea with the kids that could help her to find closure. Yet, at the same time it could be a fresh beginning that pointed her in a new direction.

Slowly but surely she felt something she had not felt for a long time when thinking of Broadway.

Excitement.

And not just pain.

… … …

Later that evening she received a message from Quinn, telling her that she most probably would be able to go home the next day. It still depended on how the night was going to be, but no one expected complications.

Quickly she typed her answer.

_Quinn, that's great!  
Do you already know what time they'll let you leave?_

The answer came back right away.

_No, probably_ _the_ _late morning  
after the doc made his round. _

Rachel held on to her offer to help Quinn get home.

_How about I'll come around ten and then we can  
see how we get you home. How are you feeling today?_

It took a while longer until there was an answer to her question. Rachel wondered if she had overstepped her boundaries. Maybe Quinn had changed her mind about her coming to pick her up.

Or Quinn just had a visit from the nurse or a call or a visit from Santana or something else, she tried to calm herself.

When the message finally came, Rachel was relieved. After reading it, she wondered how she was ever going to survive this rollercoaster of emotions that spun her around her own axis in just a few days. She was sure she was not going to survive it if another crash came. And she knew Quinn would not survive it either if she treated her like that again.

So she could understand that Quinn was hesitant.

_Rachel, I really don't want to impose. I'll be_   
_fine getting back home by myself. It's not_   
_like I'm dying, so you don't really have to_   
_come._

Rachel fiddled with her phone while she thought about how to answer that.

… … …

Quinn laid the phone down again.

Typing was a little difficult, especially since she couldn't hold the phone like she was used to – with both hands to type with her thumbs.

She was so confused.

One minute her heart jumped at the thought of Rachel wanting to reconnect with her, the next she felt the fear that this was just temporary. She was afraid that as soon as she was better, Rachel would leave her again.

Just when she thought she could not stand it anymore, Santana's head appeared in the door.

"Hey soldier, you up for a visit?"

"Hey Santana, you're just coming at the right time."

"Uh, I'll save my snarky remark for later. Whassup? And how're you feeling, by the way?"

"Better, thanks. It still hurts like hell, but as long as I don't move or breathe, everything is fine."

"Yeah, right. Liar." Santana pointed at Quinn and lifted an eyebrow. "So. What's going on? I see you're wearing your own PJs, so Miss Berry did indeed drop by. Did she help you get dressed?"

Quinn felt Rachel's wrist on her breast again and quickly lowered her gaze.

"Gee, really?" Santana snorted. "Hope the nurse didn't disturb you two lovebirds."

Finally, Quinn found her voice again. "Shut up, Santana. Nothing happened; she just helped me getting dressed, because I still can't move much."

Santana lifted her hands, palms facing forward. "Ok, ok. No offense! Now really, Quinn, how are you?"

"Don't know, honestly. I'm more confused than ever. I don't know what to feel or think or believe any more."

"Why, what happened?"

"Nothing. I mean, Rachel came to visit and we discussed some things. Necessary things. But it feels so strange between us. So different. And yet so familiar. I feel torn between just wanting to hug her and beg her to come back and on the other side I'm still so cautions, because I know that I won't survive another break-up. I need to understand what happened and why first."

Santana nodded. "Yeah, I get that. You need to learn to trust each other again. And that will take time. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Quinn shook her head. "No. This is something that Rachel and I have to work out. But the thing is, I'm not sure if she is just here for a moment, you know, feeling obligated to come and help or if she truly wants to be here."

Santana looked at her friend for a moment, before she spoke. "You know, Quinn, maybe it helps if you put yourself into her shoes for a moment. Think back to the beginning, when you two met each other at the community center. Rachel needed a long time to really believe you meant what you said. She had the same thoughts like you're having now. That you somehow felt obligated to be with her. And no matter how many times you told her that it was your free will and wish to be with Rachel, it was still difficulty to believe for her."

"Yeah, it still is, sometimes."

"Yes, because she is still in the process of trying to adapt and to accept and to love herself again. I have never seen a person who was so at ease with herself. All this confidence has been taken away from her through that accident and its consequences. This is why she keeps questioning herself and others all the time." Santana placed a hand on Quinn's. "I don't have a recipe for you or for her how to mend this whole situation, except that you should tell her all these things you're telling me."

Quinn sighed. "I know. But in order to tell Rachel, I need to know first how I feel and what I want."

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Have to decide everything right now? Why don't you just wait and see how things develop between you and Rachel and how your heart responds to that?"

Quinn guffawed. "My heart? Judging by my heart I'd be already lost."

"Quinn, don't put yourself under such pressure. You can't predict the outcome of this. The only thing you can do is stay honest with yourself and with Rachel."

"Easier said than done."

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid to lose her!" Quinn exclaimed. "She was here last night and this afternoon and I'm hopelessly lost. My heart is lost. And I'm afraid if I tell her everything, she'll turn away again. Obviously, I was no good at seeing her desperation before!"

Santana sighed. "Quinn, look. This whole situation will not change, if you don't speak from your heart. I can understand your fear. But fear always lets us act in the wrong way when we let ourselves be controlled by it. It is okay to be afraid, but don't let it rule your whole actions. You said you needed to understand Rachel's reactions. You want some honest answers from her. And you should grant her the same. Nothing else will work."

"How do you know?" Quinn asked quietly.

"Because I lived through this whole ordeal more than once. And every time I started assuming things, I was 100% wrong. Every time I started feeling and talking about it, listening to my heart, Britt and I had the best talks and discussions. And these kind of talks brought us forward. Unfortunately we didn't manage to skip the old habit of assuming and always started back at square one." Santana was silent for a moment.

Then she looked up again and met Quinn's eyes. "I don't want that for you. What I have seen between you and Rachel was something so amazing that … it really made me believe in love again. In the real unconditional love that can overcome any obstacles. And…" She looked to the side for a moment to collect herself.

If Quinn had not known it better, she would have thought to see tears shimmer in her friend's eyes. She had rarely seen Santana cry. It surprised her and she wondered where this outburst of emotion came from.

The Latina sniffed and smiled embarrassed. "Wow. I never thought you and the midget would move me to tears. Fuck." She wiped a tear away. "Guess it was a long night. Anyway, I was saying… don't let you fear get bigger than your love. Fear will never get you anywhere. It will only hold you back."

Both women were silent for a long while.

Finally Santana spoke again, back to her old bitchy self. "So, enough of auntie Santana's ramblings. Do you know when they'll kick you out?"

Quinn nodded. "Probably tomorrow morning."

"Oh, that's sooner than I thought, but good! Oh wait, how will you get home? I have to work tomorrow, damn."

"Yeah, I know. I… well, Rachel offered to pick me up." The blonde finally offered.

Santana picked up on the hesitant tone. "And?" She prompted the blonde.

"Nothing 'and'. She asked what time she should be here."

"Aaaand?"

Quinn shrugged again, ignoring the pain and did not look at her friend. "I told her that I wasn't sure any more if she should come and that I could get home by myself."

She half expected Santana to ask her if she was insane, but the Latina stayed silent. Quinn hated it when she did that. Santana always knew when Quinn needed to work things out by herself, finding the right answer on her own. And the Latina always – _always_ knew when to sit it out and wait.

Finally, the blonde spoke again. "Maybe I should text her again. Maybe she really meant it when she said that she would _like_ to help me."

Santana only raised an eyebrow and nodded barely noticeable. "If _you_ also want her help, then I think you should send her another text. I mean, I don't know what you wrote in the first one, but it wasn't something encouraging for her, apparently."

"No. It wasn't."

"Ok, close your eyes and try to find out how you feel when thinking about Rachel picking you up tomorrow. Are you more afraid or more happy? What do you feel?"

"The thought makes me want to smile a little bit."

"Good. Then I guess you have your answer. Go write that text now. And remember, you can always continue to sort things out with Rachel later when you are at home. Just be honest."

"Sorry to be so complicated," Quinn apologized.

Santana slapped her playfully on her good shoulder and Quinn winced. "Stop that, Q. I'm gonna leave you now and you write that message to Berry. Just in case – and I mean only if there is no other solution, let me know if you need me to take you home tomorrow. But I hope that won't be necessary."

Quinn smiled. "No. And judging from the way you're treating me, I'm not up for more slaps and maltreatment. But thanks for the offer."

"Ya welcome!" Santana smiled and got up. "Q, seriously, I'm glad you're ok and I believe you can work it out. And once you're able to move a bit better, you and I are gonna go on a little experience trip."

"A what?"

"You heard me, Q. Just wait and see."

"Uh oh, maybe I'll stay here after all."

"Nope. You're not gonna get out of this one, captain." She bent over Quinn and gave her a very light hug.

"See you tomorrow! And call me if you need anything. I'm always glad for a distraction from those whiny corporate asses."

Quinn laughed. "They are too, probably. Thank you for stopping by and packing my things. And for giving me that prep talk."

"That's what friends are for." Santana gave a short wave and then slipped through the door.

After a moment, Quinn picked up her phone. She had not noticed that another message had arrived in the meantime.

_Quinn, I don't know how to convince you_   
_that I mean it. But I understand your doubts_   
_and your fear of me acting irrationally again. I_   
_can understand that so much. My offer still stands._

Quinn gave herself a push and wrote back.

_Thank you. I'm honestly sorry about my doubts and_   
_insecurities. I guess it will take a while before I can_   
_lay them aside. I'm grateful for your help and I'd be glad_   
_to see you around ten tomorrow._

… … …

Rachel felt a little lighter after receiving Quinn's late but positive response. Even though she appreciated her honesty, seeing how much she had hurt the person she loved and how long the scars would probably show on both their hearts felt like a small stab into her chest.

She wondered if that was like Quinn had felt every time she had doubted her.

Quickly she drafted her response.

_Then I will see you tomorrow!_   
_Have a good night's rest and get better._   
_Rachel_

This was not going to be easy. They needed to establish a basis of trust again; otherwise they would dance around each other like scared chicken.

… … …

The next morning Rachel knocked on Quinn's half open door and poked her head around the frame. Quinn had texted her earlier that she was allowed to go home if someone stayed with her for the next forty-eight hours, just to make sure she was all right. Santana had willingly offered to cover the time, except for the hours she had to work. As she was still relatively new on the job and had already used some vacation days, she was not able to stay at home for the full two days.

The Latina had not hesitated to send Rachel a text in the evening to ask if she could cover during the time when she was at work. Rachel had agreed, but only under the premises that Quinn was ok with that.

Santana had called her roommate and discussed the issue with her.

Quinn was hesitant at first, but then agreed. However, she intended to speak to Rachel about that in person. So when the brunette's head appeared in the door frame, Quinn was glad to see her, but was also nervous. She felt like she was on a first date, when two people know they are attracted to each other but have no idea how much and what the next step would be.

"Hey," Rachel greeted the blonde smiling.

Quinn sat on her bed, already dressed in the clothes that Rachel had brought her the day. She looked up and caught Rachel's gaze. A smile lit up her face and made Rachel feel all warm inside.

The blonde lifted her right arm slightly and waved.

Rachel walked closer. "So, how are you feeling?"

_Ok,_ Quinn signed with her right hand. She still couldn't lift it very high, but the highly dosed pain killers they had given her, made breathing and moving a little bit easier, especially for the ride home.

"Did you get dressed by yourself?" Rachel asked surprised

Quinn shook her head. _The nurse helped me._

"Was it very painful?" Rachel remembered the ordeal from the night before.

_I have had better experiences. Rachel, I wanted to ask you something._

Rachel patiently followed the slow progress of Quinn's hand. It took a while until she finished each sentence, sometimes pausing in between.

_Santana told me that you agreed to spend the time at the apartment with me when she is working. I know we have had the same discussion with you picking me up and me not being sure if you really wanted to do that._

"Yes. Are you uncomfortable with this?"

Quinn shook her head. _No. But again I'm not sure if you really want to do that. I'm sorry if I keep dancing around the same topic._

"That's ok. I can understand you. How about if we get you home first and then discuss how we can arrange everything over the next days?"

Quinn was eager to leave that place and get to her place. _Fine. Let's go._

The latter was easier said than done. Quinn had already signed the papers before Rachel came so they were free to leave, but it took Quinn more than twice the normal time to get to the elevator. She had absolutely refused to sit in that wheelchair. Hospital policies be damned. Every step seemed to intensify the pain in her ribs. She needed to stop in between to catch her breath.

Rachel patiently walked beside her carrying Quinn's belongings.

In the elevator Rachel pushed the button for the basement parking garage. Quinn looked confused.

_Taxis are outside._

"Yes I know. But I figured it might be a bit difficult for you to squeeze yourself into a cab. Puck was so nice to let me have one of his cars for today. Then we can go at our own speed and you can find a somewhat comfortable position to sit – or lay in."

Quinn was surprised. She had envisioned herself in the backseat of a yellow cab, biting her tongue in order to not shout out in pain as the cab driver took yet another curve a little too fast or if he was slamming the breaks too hard…

Rachel's consideration made her feel warm inside all over.

_When did you speak to Puck?_

It was difficult to sign, but having to other means Quinn tried nonetheless, making sure she made her lip movements clearly visible as well for Rachel.

"I texted him yesterday. And he … gave me a ride home from Lima. We … managed to re-connect a bit." Rachel sighed. Then explained further. "He was one of the persons I shut out of my life as well over the past months." Guilt filled her and she looked to the ground when she felt Quinn's hand on hers. Rachel closed her eyes and concentrated on the touch spreading warmth through her skin.

A little tug begged for her attention.

Quinn produced a small smile. _We will work things out, I'm sure we will._

The elevator stopped and Rachel asked Quinn to wait for her to bring the car around. She quickly paid the ticket and then drove up and stopped next to the blonde. Carefully she helped the singer lower herself into the passenger seat.

Quinn had to bite her tongue several times when certain movements reminded her of her still smarting ribs.

"Fuck." She couldn't contain it when she finally leaned back and took a deep breath.

Rachel quickly walked around and slid behind the wheel. Good thing Quinn had a parking space below her building as well.

… … …

Quinn decided she had seen enough of a bed for the past two days and placed herself on the couch.

When she was settled with a cup of tea in her hand Rachel stood next to the couch table, feeling self-conscious again all of a sudden.

_I've never asked, but how was driving for you the first time after the accident?_

Rachel thought back. "It was strange. I mean there was no reason why I wouldn't be able to drive and usually sitting in a car you don't hear much of what is going on outside anyway, I thought. But then I realized that there are still a lot of sounds that subconsciously helps to orientate yourself. The sound of your motor, honking of other cars, if you have the window open you hear people, the other cars drive by, all kinds of sounds. They are just small things, but it makes the experience whole, somehow."

_Did you take lessons?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. Not really. I mean I can drive, so there was no need to re-qualify."

_Sorry, that's not what I meant._ Quinn smiled apologetically. _I meant, just to get used… to it all, not because I doubted your ability to drive._

"Oh. Well, yes, Carmen took me on two rides. She explained to me what to look out for and how to compensate a bit more. It wasn't really difficult, as I've said, you don't hear that much while driving anyway, especially if you have the radio on full blast, singing along at the top of your lungs," she finished with a sheepish smile. "I used to to that a lot."

Quinn laughed quietly. _I can imagine._

They were silent for a moment, both a little nervous. Now what?

Rachel fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "Are you tired? Do you want to rest for a while? Are you comfortable enough? If you want more pillows I can get some. Or are you hungry, do you want to eat something? I can make something if you…"

Quinn shook her head and made a movement with her hand downwards. _Calm down, Rachel, I'm fine._

"Sorry. I'm just… nervous, I guess." Rachel admitted and plopped down on the edge of the coffee table, halfway facing Quinn.

The blond let her eyes rake over Rachel's face and soaked in her features. The beautiful eyes with the dark, long lashes, the full lips, the soft skin. She could understand how Rachel felt. Quinn was a little nervous herself. Now that all the "action" was over, they both new they would have to lay the rest of the cards on the table.

Quinn hated that she was not able to sign as fluently as she wanted to. For such an important discussion she wanted to be able to express herself freely, and she wanted Rachel to understand her completely, not having to half guess her signs and half read her lips in addition. She carefully took her left arm out of her sling.

_Thank you for taking me home,_ she managed to sign slowly. _I… am grateful that you put your own pain aside to help me. I know that it was – still is – not easy for you to be here._

"You're welcome," Rachel smiled shyly. "It must not be easy for you either having me here with you after all what happened."

_I … I'll be honest. Part of me is happy to see you, to see that you care, that you are worried about me. But there is still another part that is afraid. Afraid you will turn away again, and I'm not sure I can face that. So I'm thinking of sending you away right now, that would give_ me _the control, before I let my heart in and …_ Quinn lowered her hands and did not finish the sentence.

"Yes, I understand that," Rachel said in a small voice.

_But I know sending you away will not solve our problems,_ Quinn continued. _They will not just magically disappear. I… I keep hoping we will find a way to get through this, but I don't want to just get back together and end up in half a year exactly where we are now. I would not be able to go through this again, Rachel._

Rachel looked at Quinn and felt her heart beat in fear. What was Quinn telling her? Did she not want to get back together with her? Was she too afraid Rachel would hurt her again?

She felt a hand on hers.

_Rachel, I'm not saying I don't want to give us another chance. I love you so much that I would be a fool to deny us a life together. But I need to know that I can trust you. I need to know that you trust me the same._

_You said you needed time to work things out. Especially the issue about not wanting to deal with anything music related. I … I'm not sure that you managed to deal with this in this short time. And I've said it before, had this accident not happened I don't believe you would have contacted me anytime soon, would you?_ Quinn looked up with her hazel eyes and Rachel saw the doubts being reflected there.

"We both have to learn to trust each other again Quinn. If we cannot do that, then we don't stand a chance from the beginning. I guess we both have to be convinced that we can give each other this trust. I understand that because of my behavior over the last days you're still hurting. But I have to grant you the same trust. You turned on me once before, even though it was years ago. How will I know that it might not happen again? How will I know that next time you will not have any major issues with my deafness?"

Quinn inclined her head slightly, showing Rachel that she also understood her point.

"I still have to come to terms with it my own actions completely, I have to admit that. But as horrible as the past days were also for me, I have learned and understood a few things about me."

_What? I mean,_ _I still don't understand what made you flip in the first place, Rachel. One minute you seemed so brave and strong and the next you ripped our whole lives apart._

Rachel sighed. It was difficult to explain, since she only herself had gotten to understand her own actions just now. She lifted her hands and signed in parallel to her words again. It helped her to focus.

"You know, it had been building below the surface, this feeling of… " she searched for the adequate word and wiggled her fingers, as if she could grab it out of the air. "…exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. I have learned so much over the past months and every time I made a new experience that showed me I could get through things, it was one step closer to a "normal" life. But every time I also realized that it would never be as normal as before. It would be a _new_ normal. Something I would need to define for myself. But this new normal is nothing I know, it's something I need to figure out. And the only comparison I have is the life I knew before the accident. I'm not sure you can follow…"

_Yes I can._

"I always tried to get back to the life I had, but just when we were at the meeting in that choir room, it hit me in the face that however much I would struggle, I'd never get there again. I knew it before, in my mind, in my head, but somehow it really seemed to settle in then. I needed all the experiences from before, visiting your concert, your show on Broadway etc. to get to that point. It was important for me to learn through these experiences, but there in Lima I somehow finally connected all the dots and singing with you guys – or rather signing with you – was just the last drop to get my barrel to overflow. The realization swept me away completely."

Rachel had gotten up and started pacing the floor. When she passed the couch again, Quinn leaned forward and grabbed her hand to stop the nervous wanderings. She groaned in the process. Rash movements were not in her activity plan yet. But she pushed the pain aside, there were more important things to focus on.

Rachel looked at Quinn's hand, not daring to meet her eyes. Again, as before, Quinn tugged at her fingers to get the brunette to look up. When she finally did, Quinn saw shame clouding those beautiful eyes. She let go of Rachel's hand, hating to lose the physical connection. It felt so good to hold this hand in hers. If that was how much they would allow themselves to progress, she did not want to miss out on it. But she needed her hand to talk to Rachel. She hoped the strong pain killers would last a little, so she could use her right arm a little longer.

_How are you feeling now?_ She simply asked.

Rachel shrugged. "Relieved. I am relieved that I finally understood what made me snap."

_How did you realize that?_

Rachel breathed a little smile and looked around the room. Then she settled her gaze back on Quinn. "I had some good talks with a few people. They intentionally and unintentionally managed to set me straight."

_Was one of them Lauren?_

"Yes, it was." Rachel took a deep breath to go on explaining, but Quinn interrupted her by signing.

_She gave you the credibility we all couldn't,_ she stated simply.

Rachel pressed her lips together and nodded slightly. "I know you don't like her much, but she told me that what I was searching for could never be found where I was looking for it. That there would never be a place where I could completely hide from all the pain and loss. To keep it short, she said I had to suck it up and face it. She honestly told me that even after three years it was still hard for her to not being able to listen to music." Rachel tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"It wasn't what I wanted to hear from her, but I'm glad she didn't sugarcoat things. The way she was so honest with me made me realize that I also had to be honest with myself and that I couldn't run or hide anymore."

_Rachel, I never said I didn't like Lauren. I liked her from the beginning and now I think I respect her even more for having been there for you, even though you knew each other just such a short time. The problem I had was that we never talked about what it meant for you having a deaf friend. I was jealous and scared. I was scared that she could give you something that I couldn't – the experience to be deaf._

Quinn remembered that they had touched upon that topic already in Lima, but with the emotions flying high that day, she was glad she could address her feelings again more calmly.

_I knew that sooner or later you_ _would get_ _in contact with other deaf people. And I was afraid that … that you would then shut me out. That you would think deaf people could give you so much more. And yes, in a way I feared that you would turn from all of us, because we can still hear. I gave this fear so much energy and then it became true somehow when you told me that you wanted to get away from everything, from the whole hearing world._

"Oh Quinn!" Rachel slid off the coffee table and knelt in front of Quinn.

"It was important for me to get to know Lauren and Kara. It was a wonderful experience to speak to someone who was like me. For the first time I did not have the feeling someone had to bend over to accommodate me. Don't get me wrong, I am still so grateful what you, Kurt and Santana are doing for me." She took a breath before she continued.

"I got to know some of Lauren's friends as well and it was nice to experience being around deaf people for a while. And I would very much like for you to meet them, Quinn. I want you to get to know that part of my life… if you want to." Rachel smiled. "But all this time I realized as well that my heart belonged to you, hearing or not. Real love does not need words to be said or heard. It can be felt. And all through these last days I felt so lost without you."

Quinn reached out and touched Rachel's cheek, slowly letting her thumb glide over the smooth skin.

_I'd be happy to meet you new friends, Rachel._ She stated with a smile while a tear dipped over the rim of her eyes. _I'm glad you don't want to keep that part for yourself._

Rachel shook her head. "No!" She sighed. "I'm hoping to integrate both worlds into my live. The hearing one and the silent one." Then she smiled. "And the loved one, as well."

Quinn laughed a little through the tears and Rachel leaned into the soft touch.

* * *

**Oh,** _**Resistance is futile** _ **, I have to watch some old Voyager episodes again with Janeway and Seven, sigh** **! That subtext…. "stardate today, Janeway beams abord the Delta Flyer and asks Seven to come home." That LOOK! Double *sigh*. Sorry, got carried away. (In case you're interested, it's the Voyager Conspiracy episode of season 6.)**


	57. Chapter 57

**I don’t own Glee.**

**Devin Jaste: Thank you for pointing a couple of things out! Hey help me see that I’m on the right track!**

* * *

**Chapter 57**

 

Rachel's wish of wanting to integrate both worlds into her life seemed genuine and Quinn knew that both would enrich the brunette's life – and her's as well.

She thought about what Rachel had said, about having to move on, about having to let go. The true meaning of this finally seemed to sink in. Only now Quinn seemed to fully comprehend what Rachel's words meant. She wondered why it had taken her that long. It was not about her or their relationship. What Rachel was referring to were the things from her former life that she just couldn't do anymore.

_I think I understand what you mean by letting go. You are right. There is no going back to what you had. No matter how hard we try, we will never be able to make up for everything you lost. And…_ _and..._

Quinn felt a tear slip down her cheek.

_I guess I never really understood until now. I mean, if they had told me now at the hospital that I would never be able to perform anymore, if I had injured myself more than that,_ she gestured vaguely at her head and ribs. _Then…oh god. I …._

"Shhh, Quinn, it's ok," Rachel sat on the coffee table again and cupped Quinn's face with her hands when she saw how the blonde struggled to find the right words.

Quinn shook her head and pulled back slightly so she could sign again.

_No. It's not ok. All this time we tried to get you back into the world, to enjoy life again, but I never – never – really tried to imagine what it would mean for me if I would not be able to stand on that stage anymore from one day to the next. I should know, because I have gone through this situation before in high school, after my accident. Of all people I should know best, Rachel,"_ she laughed without humor, looked up at the ceiling and shook her head.

"Quinn, stop that right now. Nothing excuses my behavior. Nothing! I found explanations, yes, but they are not excuses. Even though you can understand why I acted like that, I should have handled the situation differently."

_But at that moment you couldn't!_

"No, I couldn't, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have tried!"

They looked at each other intensely for a long moment, neither of them saying anything. Then Quinn closed her eyes. Rachel's voice reverberated in her mind and triggered another memory. She was not sure if she should say it, but since they were already talking so openly, she had to put this on the table as well.

_You know, that song you sang for me… it was the most beautiful song I've ever heard._ She opened her eyes and locked her gaze with Rachel's.

_When I heard you sing with us on our way back from the club after your birthday, it completely overwhelmed me. I know I did't say anything back then and never touched that topic afterwards, I… I wasn't sure how to address it._ She looked at her hands for a moment. _You still have the most beautiful voice, Rachel._

"Quinn…"

_No, let me finish, please. I never asked you and I never would have asked you to sing for me. You told me in Lima that you sang with Kurt. Why were you afraid to tell me? I know you told me that you were afraid, but I never really understood why…_

Rachel searched for the right words to explain. The problem was that she was not sure herself what had held her back all the time and why it had been easier to tell Santana, but not her girlfriend. She looked out of the window for a moment before lifting her hands again.

"I remember your voice, Quinn," she started softly. "I have always loved your voice. Even more so after I heard how you had developed. You're voice still had that silkiness, but there was more power to it. It was sooooo…" She rubbed the fingers of her right hand in search of the right description… "It was velvety and soft, like meringue. At first it has a distinguished shape which is strong and clear, but as soon as you place it on your tongue, it gets creamy and soft and then just melts and leaves this wonderful sweet taste in your mouth. This is how I felt when I heard you sing."

Quinn drew her eyebrows together and tried to fight back the tears.

"I felt like my heart would melt, when I listened to you." She smiled at the slightly red color that rose on Quinn's face. "Now that you're on Broadway, you are one of the best performers out there. You wrap your audience around your little finger. People are fascinated by you. I felt it, it was tangible in the whole atmosphere in the theater and the concert hall. I watched the people around me… You were just perfect on that stage."

Quinn shook her head and mouthed a vehement _Noooooo…._

"Yes, you are. I know that my voice was one of the best ones out there too, but now I'm not perfect anymore and that makes it so hard for me sing in your presence. It makes me feel like I look up to my idol and will never be able reach the same level as her." Rachel tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know it sounds stupid, but … it feels for me like I will never be able to live up to your expectations anymore when it comes to singing."

Quinn took a deep breath.

_Rachel now that you're deaf it doesn't mean that it diminishes all your achievements from before your accident. I still admire your talent, because this song that you sang for me… I know so many people who can sing and can hear who will never be able to sing it the way you did! It was just perfect and priceless! But I understand – sort of – why you did not want to do it in front of me, even though it still hurts,_ she finished with a sad look on her face.

Rachel rubbed her hand across her forehead and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, she reached out and gently wiped a tear away from Quinn's cheek, feeling her own eyes burning.

"I'm just afraid that if I sing in front of you, one day you'll tell me that I'm way off and that you'd rather not listened to me anymore. I mean, not that I feel much like singing anyway, but…" It was hard to explain the fear of being rejected at what she once used to do best in her life.

Quinn shook her head. _Rachel, I don't want to put you under pressure, I accept whatever you feel comfortable with. I just wanted to let you know what I thought and felt when I listened to your song. And if you ever feel you want to sing again, so do it, if you don't then this is what you choose to do and it is fine._

"Okay." Rachel answered with a small voice. "Thank you for understanding."

Quinn smiled in response.

Again, they sat in silence for a moment and Quinn took another sip of her tea. She felt tired from the morning trip, but she would not want to miss this conversation for anything in this world. They were finally touching upon some sensitive topics neither of them had dared to mention before.

"I wanted to ask you something," the brunette stated after a moment.

Quinn placed the cup between her legs and then signed: _What?_

"The box with the letters you gave me…I haven't read them yet, but the other day, when I wanted to, I felt that I wasn't entitled to do it anymore."

Quinn frowned. _Why would you think that?_

"Because I pushed you away, I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore, because I treated you so awfully and unfair, because…"

_Hold it!_ When Quinn was sure she had Rachel's attention, she continued signing.

_Rachel, I wrote these letters to you. I gave them to you. These feelings I described in them were true and were for you to know. So no matter what happened between now and then, I still stand by what I felt at that time. The letters are yours. If you don't want to read them, then that is your choice, but I don't want them back. However, I do hope that one day you… we come to a point where you will feel you can read them._

Quinn rested her hands in her lap.

"Oh, Quinn! I wanted to read them. I was tempted to read them several times over the past days. I was just afraid that when I would read your words, I … I would lose all resolve and … and… my stubbornness wanted to avoid that at any cost. I wanted to stay in control and stay strong against my own feelings and I realize now that I had nothing under control and that I will never be able to reign in my heart," she sniffed.

_God, why is it so difficult, Rachel? We both know that we love each other and still, why do we sit here, both not knowing how to treat each other, doubting every touch and weighing every word? I'm… I'm so sick of it. I don't want that. I want… I want everything to be fine between us, I want to hold you in my arms, I want to know that you feel happy when being with me and I want to know that you trust me and I want to be able to trust you as well and and…_

Quinn let her hands fall into her lap, not knowing what else to say.

She had wanted to say something completely different and was surprised at her own words. But once she had started talking, she couldn't hold back anymore. She felt like she had erected her own wall around her heart over the past days and this wall seemed to suffocate her, it made her feel claustrophobic. Quinn wanted her heart to be free again, to love and to be loved. She wanted to be able to let herself fall and know that there was one person who would catch her. She wanted Rachel back in her life so much.

She wanted to tear down that damn wall inside her, but didn't know how.

She felt too exhausted to fight the tears again. God, would she ever stop crying today?

When Rachel saw Quinn break down in front of her, it all but broke her own heart again. She hesitated for a second and then sat on the armrest of the couch, carefully placing an arm around the blonde's shoulders. She couldn't pull her close into an embrace out of fear to hurt her, but when Quinn leaned into her, she felt that this was the best touch in the whole world.

Quinn sobbed against her side and Rachel cried with her. They both cried together for what they had lost, for the pain and the hurt and for the insecurity they still felt between each other.

When both women calmed down a bit, Rachel leaned forward and took a pack of tissues from the table and held it in front of Quinn. Quinn had to laugh a bit while she plugged one out and blew her nose. Rachel did the same and then put the box on Quinn's lap in case they needed more.

"Well, here we are again, crying our hearts out, just like at the beginning of our relationship,"

_Yes._ Quinn admitted and managed a little laugh.

"Quinn, all the things you said are true and I feel the same. It's just that I don't think we can pick up where we left without clarifying all our misunderstandings, assumptions and misconceptions."

_How can we do that? I think we are already on a good path talking about the things that stood or stand between us, even though it is hurtful at times. I mean, I never asked you for example how you really felt being at my concert. And I never really told you how it was for me, seeing you in the audience. I think there are still so many things we never talked about, but that are important for us to know._

"That's true. We need to talk about our expectations and wishes. Honesty is not just saying the truth, it's also saying what you feel even though you are unsure of where it comes from and we should discuss things even though we have not quite figured them out. But together we might find a solution. I know it's not easy to always say what is on your mind – or my mind for that matter, but for the sake of this relationship to work, we have to try to talk more openly with each other. Especially since silence is literally a huge obstacle between us, I guess we have to work a little harder to overcome that." Rachel smiled bashfully.

Quinn reached out and squeezed her hand before pulling back.

_Yes, I agree. We need a whole other level of understanding each other._

"I'm not saying that we didn't already have a good level of understanding. Especially in the beginning we talked about a lot about things and you never held back to ask about me and my deafness. I don't know why we didn't continue to discuss certain things later, maybe because we both were afraid of what it meant for us. But keeping silent didn't lead us anywhere either."

_Well, it led us to where we are now._

"Yes, but I hadn't planned on heading into that direction, to be honest."

"Yeah."Quinn sighed. _Me neither._

"Quinn, I meant what I said. I love you. Being without you hurts so much more than having to face music - or my loss of it. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt anymore or that I will ever get over it completely, but I know I would never get over losing you. I learned that the hard way, twice!"

_I wonder why we always have to let something happen before we wake up and become wiser._

Rachel managed a smile. "I don't know."

Quinn smiled wistfully debating whether to say the words that came to her mind or not.

_Well, I guess now we have both had our share of irrational behavior._

"What?" Rachel looked confused.

_The first time I pushed you out of my life, this time it was your turn. Now we are even._ Quinn chuckled quietly. _I'm glad we got that out of the way, because we can now focus on making each other happy for the rest of our lives instead of sad._

"What do you mean?" Rachel was hopeful, but she needed more assurance.

Quinn collected her thoughts for a moment before answering.

_Rachel, you forgave me for abandoning you in college when we met again after your accident. And you were in a far worse situation, making it more difficult to connect with someone again than I am in now. In retrospect I'm still amazed that you let me into your life again, despite the circumstances. I vowed to never leave you again, not matter what. Even though what happened hurt me beyond means and even though I am still… a little afraid that something like that might happen again – and I'm not sure if I can go through this a second time – I want to stick to my promise._

Rachel smiled sadly. Quinn rested her hands for a moment, before she continued. Her arm and her ribs hurt, but she needed to get this off her chest. This was important.

_You're one of the most courageous women I know. I think you're very brave, because despite all the things you said to me and despite all the shame that you felt you still came to the hospital to be with me, to be there for me. And I didn't even manage to send you a simple letter to explain why I didn't want to see you anymore all those years ago. I was a real coward._

Rachel took a deep breath, touched by Quinn's words. She wanted to let Quinn know that whatever obstacle came into their lives, she would not turn her back again. She would stand up and fight for their relationship, she would not let her fears and insecurities overrule her heart again.

"We both have to learn from our actions, Quinn. If we can do that, then we will stand a chance to move on and grow together. We have the chance to make it right. However, after all this, I'm just afraid I made things worse for you. Now you will probably worry even more about every single one of your actions."

_What do you mean?_

"Even though you were worried about me all the time when we were with a group of people before, now it might be even worse, because you will always remember the last… incident…"

_I…I can't help it Rachel. This is just who I am, these are just my expectations at myself. I want to help you, I want to be there for you. Though yes, I … I have to admit, sometimes it's …_

"Sometimes it's what?" Rachel probed.

_Exhausting. I keep stressing myself to interpret if there are more people around, I try to give you as much information as possible and … and…_

"And what?" Rachel's gentle eyes searched Quinn's and the understanding the blonde saw made it a little easier to tell the truth.

_It is so difficult for me to relax. Not when we are by ourselves, but when others are around. I don't want you to miss out anything and at the same time I sometimes feel like… I can't … I can't …_

"Enjoy yourself?" Rachel spoke the words for her.

Quinn moved her head in barely a nod and looked at her hands.

God, it was so hard to say to Rachel personally. It had been hard to tell it to Kurt on the stairs in Lima, but telling Rachel directly, was even harder.

Rachel pressed her lips together and tried to digest the words. She had felt that Quinn was sometimes torn between interpreting and following a conversation herself and Rachel had already pointed that out, only now Quinn admitted it herself.

Finally the blonde looked up again. Y _ou know, I still want to be there for you. I want to interpret for you!_

"Yes, I get that, but it will wear you out one day. You need to let loose once in a while, you need to relax, even if there are other people around. I don't want to turn into an obligation, Quinn." She held up a hand when Quinn wanted to contradict. "Tell you what. Once you're back on your feet, we'll practice being imperfect once in a while."

Quinn looked confused. _What? I don't … I don't think I get what you mean…_

"Well, look, this is what we will do. Next time, when we will go out to a club or a party of even if we will have a larger group of friends over, I don't want you to interpret for me. If you want to talk to me, that's fine, but I don't want you to do anything else, ok? Carmen reminded me that I could take an official interpreter with me, and this is something I will do. You will have to learn to enjoy yourself when we are with other people. And I will learn not having to rely on you to interpret all the time."

_But I like doing it!_ Quinn exclaimed. _I don't want anyone else to do that!_

"Quinn, you just said it yourself that it is too much sometimes. And you don't have to be embarrassed or ashamed by admitting it!"

Quinn looked at her hands. She felt torn between relief and shame. She did not want to let Rachel down, but also knew that her suggestion was a good one.

_Guess I'm running in circles, huh?_

Rachel chuckled. "Don't be upset. Think about. I believe it will help us be more relaxed with these situations. I won't feel bad, because the official interpreter is getting paid, so I might as well make good use of him or her…." She wiggled her eyebrows and Quinn had to laugh at that. "… and you don't have to worry that I'm missing out on anything. I haven't realized how much I was relying on you to be my interpreter. I guess it was not fair from my side either to always expect you to translate. You need to relax and have fun as well. It's a win-win situation."

Quinn mulled over the words for a while. Then she leaned forward with a grimace as her ribs reminded her of their bruised state. Taking a not so deep breath she waited for the pain to subside, before she placed a kiss on her girlfriend's lips who had moved forward a bit to make it easier for the blonde.

When Quinn's lips touched Rachel's, the brunette let out an involuntary whimper. She did not notice it, but the sound made Quinn's heart ache. Because she just felt the same. Those lips where only hers. Hers to kiss and nobody else's.

Both women felt the electricity spark between them, as if two poles had finally reconnected after a long time. They gently kissed each other and drew back after a moment, looking at each other with a mixture of surprise, love and hope.

Neither of them said a word, afraid to spill the mood, afraid the other would apologize and diminish the meaning of this kiss.

Finally Rachel found her voice again.

"I have missed you so much," she whispered, their foreheads still touching.

Quinn sighed and pulled back slowly. "I have missed you too."

Just when she wanted to say something else, the front door opened and Santana appeared.

Seeing her two friends sitting so close together, she beamed.

"Hey, lovebirds, is this just a coincidence or are you sitting so close intentionally? Oh," she remembered and signed her sentence.

Quinn rolled her eyes, but smiled sheepishly.

"Santana, what are you doing here? I thought you had to work?" Rachel asked, not in the mood to start explaining what was still so raw and tender between her and Quinn.

"I'm on my way to the next client and as he lives close by, I thought I'd just pop in to see if everything was all right."

Throwing another scrutinizing look at the two faces in front of her, she smiled.

"But I see that it is… Anyway, I won't disturb you any longer. Have to go again. See you later Q. Rachel, will you still be here when I come back?"

Rachel pieced Santana's signs together in her head. Of course the Latina didn't know all the signs yet, but at least she tried to include every one she knew, even though it meant the sentences were somewhat scrambled for Rachel. But the brunette preferred scrambled sentences in sign language definitely above lip reading or not being able to understand at all.

"What time will you be back?" She asked Santana

"Around six, I think."

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I'll be here…Quinn shouldn't be left alone for the next forty-eight hours anyway as I understood." She cast a glance at Quinn who nodded affirmatively.

"Good. See you then! Oh, and have you told Quinn already about my name signs? Ha, I love them! See you, bye!"

As quickly as Santana had entered, she was out of the door again.

"Jesus, she acted as if she had caught us in flagrante while having sex."

Quinn laughed before she became earnest again.

_Rachel, I'm sorry about that kiss._

"Why do you apologize? Rachel was confused.

_Because I shouldn't have overwhelmed you like that. I just saw you sitting in front of me and I missed you so much that I couldn't… couldn't hold it back anymore._

Rachel sighed and brushed her hair out of her face. "Just like our first kiss. Remember? It was you who took the initiative." Then she chuckled. "Well, it's not like you forced yourself on me, now. If I remember correctly I met you half way."

_Yes_ _you did._

"Sooooo…..?"

_Exactly. So…_

"Let's take it slow, ok? Let's not rush things."

_Not that I could, even if I wanted to_ , Quinn stated dryly.

Rachel smiled. "Yeah, well, you know what I mean."

Quinn nodded. _I do._

Rachel lifted her arms and then stopped hesitantly, before leaning forward again and giving Quinn a short, but very gently hug.

After a moment where both women contemplated their words, Quinn scooted cautiously forward and tried to get up in slow motion.

_Need to go to the bathroom,_ she grimaced. _When I get back, tell me about Santana's name signs._

"Need help?"

Quinn shook her head. It would just be too embarrassing if she couldn't even go to the toilet without help, like she was completely handicapped or something.

When she closed the bathroom door behind her, she leaned against it, trying to take some measured breaths. God, despite the strong painkillers it _fucking_ hurt!

It took Quinn a long time to get her pants open with one hand as her arm was back in its sling. Using it too much while signing had not helped to ease the pain.

When she finally came out again she found a worried Rachel standing outside, stepping back with an apologizing shrug. "Sorry, I... I was a bit worried, but I just didn't want to barge in..."

Since she could not ask through the closed door if Quinn was ok, she had debated whether to visually check on her or not. Rachel did not want her to faint while she wouldn't notice that something had happened. It had taken quite a while until Quinn emerged from the bathroom again.

Quinn looked down on herself and then signed slightly embarrassed: _Can you help?_

"Sure." Was all Rachel said, feeling he embarrassment seep through every pore of Quinn's skin. She was not sure why it was such a big deal for the blonde to ask for help, but then remembered how hard it was for herself to ask for it. Her thoughts were interrupted by Quinn's hand moving again, begging her to follow.

She slow-walked behind the blonde who grabbed the pad off the counter and wrote still standing up:

_I might just stay in these clothes for the next three days until I can hopefully raise my arms at least up to chest level_ _and move without the pain in my body_ _again._ _But at least then I don't need any one to get me dressed._

"Nuhu, and how will that help in taking a shower or do you decide to run around unwashed?" Rachel asked with a challenging look.

_I don't want to feel like an invalid, Rachel!_

"Nobody is saying you are one! Why is it so difficult for you to accept help? Is it me or is it just the fact of depending on someone to help you do things?

_Just like you I want to stay independent and I hate for others having to do things for me._

"Yes, but sometimes you need to accept help. Sometimes you have to admit that under current circumstances you might get through things a lot quicker and better with the help of others!"

Quinn stared at Rachel for a moment before she slowly signed: _Have you realized that as well, Rachel?_

The brunette opened her mouth and then closed it again when it dawned on her what she had just said. She placed a hand over her eyes and massaged her temples with her middle finger and thumb.

"I guess I have," she whispered, thinking back at her talk with Lauren and Carmen.

Quinn nodded and then chuckled. _Here we are, twenty something years old, thinking we are all grown up and still we have so much to learn._

"Guess that's what they describe as growing pains, huh?"

_Very much so,_ Quinn laughed.

… … …

At lunch time Rachel cooked a pumpkin soup that they ate together sitting on the couch. After finishing, Quinn took a short nap while Rachel put the dishes away and stored the soup in the fridge.

Carefully she placed a blanket over the sleeping woman, letting her gaze linger on the beautiful features. Then she adjusted the fabric a little before wandering a little around the room.

She had told Quinn about the name sings for Santana and the blonde had burst out laughing when she learned of Rachel's nickname for her friend. She had praised the brunette, because the signs were just perfect in her opinion.

Rachel grabbed a book from the shelf and started reading while the blonde slept.

plopping down into a soft chair that stood opposite of the couch so she could have Quinn in her view.

Once in a while Rachel glanced over to check if Quinn was all right. When the other woman started moving and shaking her head from left to right without opening her eyes, Rachel stood up alarmed.

Quinn opened her mouth and started talking. Rachel laid the book down and rushed over to her. She touched Quinn at her shoulder. She wasn't sure if Quinn was just dreaming or if she needed help.

"Quinn." When the blonde did not react, she shook her a little and called her name again.

"Quinn! Wake up!"

The singer jerked awake and shot a bewildered glance around the room before her eyes settled on Rachel's face who looked at her with a worried expression.

"You ok?"

Quinn nodded after a short moment when she got her bearings back. Then she rubbed her eyes.

"I think you've been dreaming. You talked in your sleep."

"What did I say?"

Rachel shook her head. "I don't know. I didn't understand you," she answered, touching her lips to indicate that she had not been able to read her lips; unlike now, when Quinn had asked the question aloud.

_Sorry._ She rubbed her temples. _I need to clear my head._

"Here drink something that might help. You need to stay hydrated, especially with the medication they gave you. Ty to sleep a little more."

Quinn shook her head at the last suggestion, but drank half of the glass of water. Then she handed it back to Rachel.

_Can we take a break from discussing some of our problems for a while? I don't think my head is up for another deep rooted conversation,_ she signed shyly.

Rachel smiled. "Yes, that's a good idea."

They decided to watch a movie together, because they both needed a break from all the talking. Later, if being asked about it, neither woman would have been able to tell what the movie was about; each being lost in their own thoughts.

Rachel sat close to Quinn and their shoulders were touching.

Half way through the movie Quinn felt her hand twitch. Through the fabric of her clothes she felt the warmth of Rachel's body next to her. She longed for more contact and finally gave in, interlacing her fingers with Rachel's and gently stroke her thumb over the soft skin. The sparks shot through her arm right into her heart. Just as with the kiss, the small touch sent her reeling. God, what this woman did to her was impossible to describe. From heaven to hell and back.

A small sigh escaped her lips.

Rachel smiled at her and squeezed her fingers shortly, before they focused back on the movie.

Quinn had never dared to hope that she would feel the other woman sit next to her, hold her hand or even kiss her so soon again. She hoped that they would take the chance they had been given and make the best out of it.

When a song started playing in the background of the movie, Quinn subconsciously started tapping her foot, which was propped up on the edge of the coffee table. Rachel felt the movement against her leg and the rhythm reminded her of another song that suddenly popped into her mind.

She almost had to laugh. No, it was not possible to escape. And the lyrics that went with that song fit perfectly to their situation as well.

Quinn threw a glance at her.

_What?_

The brunette shook her head. "Nothing." She pointed at Quinn's foot. "That just reminded me of something."

Quinn's eyes widened when she realized that Rachel referred to her rhythmic tapping.

_Rachel, I'm sorry, that was thoughtless!_

"No, no! Quinn, we have to stop this. You can't apologize every time you do something like that. If we want this to work, I have to fully accept that music is in your life and that you will react to it, that you will be it practicing at home, that you will be on stage, that you will sing under the shower or tap your foot when listening to a song. Either way, we need to find a way to both be comfortable with that."

Quinn blew a strand of hair out of her face. _Easier said than done._

"Yes, but we have to try!"

Rachel's eyes were intense when she searched Quinn's face. This was important for both of them. She knew that Quinn was right and that it was easier said than done, but Rachel had to address this. They needed to put down some ground rules again and that was one of them.

Quinn looked away after a moment. _And how do I know that … that… if I go about my business as freely as possible, you… you don't…_ She looked at her hands, not daring to sign the rest of the sentence.

"I don't freak out again?"

The blond head shortly bobbed up and down.

"I'll … I'll have to work on it."

_Anything I can do to help?_

Rachel leaned forward and propped her elbows on her knees, dropping her head into her hands. She felt Quinn's right hand on the small of her back and the warmth made her feel better instantly. It was a reassuring touch.

Slowly she leaned back again, making sure that Quinn was able to pull her hand back so she would not hurt her.

"Maybe, instead of running away from it, it might be better to try and … face it."

Rachel took a deep breath.

"You know, when I embrace you, I embrace music. In every sense. I remembered when I showed you that German song _Ja -Yes_. You took me in your arms and danced with me. And it almost felt so perfect, because I felt the music through you and your movements. Well, and it helped that I remembered the song."

Rachel bit her lip. "It's funny in a way. Lauren said that instead of pushing you away, I should embrace having you and music in my life to keep it close." Rachel sighed. "I can't live with or without it. I just have to find away thought the middle."

She jerked her chin towards the TV. "Describe it to me."

And Quinn told her about the song, the sound, the beat and the feel of it. She was skillful at describing the whole experience and Rachel got a pretty good idea of it, realizing that it was a good choice for the scene that was playing out in front of them.

With a small smile she settled back.

Reading the lyrics that were displayed on the screen, both women felt that they captured their situation perfectly.

  
_When the words that you wanted to say_   
_Are all coming out wrong,_   
_When you burst into tears,_   
_Though you're trying so hard to be strong,_   
_Oh_   


  
_We're standing in,_   
_Along the fire,_   
_Trying to make two wrongs right,_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, Hurt, Hurt Lovers oh,_   
_Don't give up, Don't, Don't give up no,_   
_Think of it_   
_You can't just let it go,_   
_You gotta try,_   
_You gotta try,_   


  
_So when all that you ever believe_   
_Comes apart at the seams,_   
_And when all of the bridges you build_   
_Are washed away in a stream,_   
_Oh,_   


  
_Whatever comes,_   
_It's not the end,_   
_We gotta fight,_   
_And take a stand_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, Hurt, Hurt Lovers oh,_   
_Don't give up, Don't, Don't give up no,_   
_Think of it_   
_You can't just let it go,_   
_You gotta try,_   
_You gotta try,_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, hurt so bad and then_   
_Find something, to make things right again_   
_It don't matter who wins out in the end_   
_You gotta try,_   
_We gotta try,_   


  
_Even when you lose her,_   
_And you played your last cards,_   
_You know,_   
_You know, you know_   


  
_We're standing in,_   
_The line of fire,_   
_Trying to make two wrongs right,_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, Hurt, Hurt Lovers oh,_   
_Don't give up, Don't, Don't give up no,_   
_You gotta try,_   
_We gotta try,_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, hurt so bad and then_   
_Find something, to make things right again_   
_It don't matter who wins out in the end_   
_You gotta try,_   
_We gotta try,_   


  
_Hurt Lovers, hurt so bad again_   
_Find something, to make things right again_   
_It don't matter who wins out in the end_   
_You gotta try,_   
_We gotta try_   


 

* * *

 

**The song is “Hurt Lovers” from Blue.**

 


	58. Chapter 58

**I don't own Glee or its original characters.**

**It's been a year to the day today, since my first installment of this story on fanfiction.net. I'm amazed that I managed to keep writing this story for such a long time without giving up, despite the time writing such a story costs. It is funny how something you are passionate about can drive you such a long way.**

**I am amazed that some of you followed me along from the very beginning! And that so many came along over the course of this year and that you are still reading and waiting for an update! This is really rewarding for me and I am very very grateful for having you as my readers!**

**Thank you!**

* * *

**Chapter 58**

When Santana came home in the evening, Quinn was taking a bath. Rachel stood in the kitchen and warmed the soup from lunch. The Latina quickly flipped the lights on and off to alert the brunette of her presence.

"Hey, Santana," Rachel smiled.

The black haired woman waved at her and threw her bag on a chair by the table.

_What are you cooking?_ Santana asked with her hands.

"Pumpkin soup. Want some? There's enough left over from lunch."

Santana nodded and started pulling three bowls out of the cabinets and placed them on the table.

_Where is Quinn?_

"Taking a bath. Can you… could you quickly check on her and see if she needs anything?"

Santana wondered why Rachel wouldn't go herself but swallowed her comment and disappeared around the corner.

Since Rachel could not hear if Quinn was calling her, she had poked her head into the bathroom twice already to make sure she was fine. Asking her through the closed door if everything was fine was just so much more convenient.

Santana came back and reassured her that everything was ok and that Quinn wanted to soak a little longer. She stood next to Rachel, leaning her back against the counter.

"So,"Santana rubbed her hands together, before she lifted them again _. How are you two doing?_

Rachel put the wooden spoon down and lowered the heat under the pot before she answered.

"Ok, I guess."

_You guess? You don't know?_ Santana raised her eyebrows.

"Santana, we are just trying to figure out how to take things from here. We won't rush anything and we both need time to digest what happened over the past two days… on top of what happened… before."

_I get that. How are you feeling?_

"Ok, I guess."

"Rachel!" Santana exclaimed exasperated. She grabbed the pad and pen. It was time that the ASL classes started again; she was tired of switching between sign language and writing. Writing helped her to express herself better, but she wanted to look Rachel in the eye when she was talking to her.

_Give me a little more or I'll turn my psychic third eye on you and tell you how you're feeling! I know you won't like that very much._

The brunette rolled her eyes. "Fine." She slowly stirred the soup again to make sure it wouldn't burn. Then she explained, signing along.

"We discussed a couple of things. Thoughts and feelings we had but never talked about. I feel relieved that this doesn't stand between us anymore now. I feel like we're very closing some gaps."

_Good_. Santana looked at her for a moment. _And what about you and the music stuff?_

The petite woman sighed. Then she told her friend about her conversations with Lauren and what she had discussed with Quinn in the afternoon. When she was finished, Santana nodded and moved the pen across the paper again.

_I hope that you'll be strong enough to manage and to hold on to your wisdom that you've gained through this experience, Rachel._

Rachel frowned. That did not sound like the Santana she knew. This Santana sounded so grown up and sincere. Not that she had not been sincere before, but the choice of words surprised her. She read on.

_I hope it for you and for Quinn. Because I never want to see either of you so devastated again. If any of you two screws this up again, I'm gonna hunt you down and beat some sense into you or Quinn, I swear!_

Well, that was the Santana she knew, Rachel thought with a little smile.

_So, whenever you have something on your heart, you can come talk to me. Promise me you will! Just talk to anybody, if it's not me, talk to Lauren or Kurt, but don't hide it, ok? You're not alone!_

Rachel swallowed, touched again by Santana's sincere words.

"I will. I want this to work, Santana, I really do."

_I know that,_ Santana signed and gave her friend a light hug.

"Can you finish the soup? I'll see if Quinn is ready."

… … …

Quinn slowly pushed herself with her feet into a half sitting position. She heard a knock and instantly recognized it as Rachel's by the sound of it. The brunette's head appeared around the door.

"Dinner's ready." Rachel greeted her with a smile.

_Ok, I'm ready._

Quinn felt marginally better. The warm water had helped to loosen some of her stiff muscles that had tensed up during her fall.

Rachel still had not stepped inside, as if she was afraid to intrude into Quinn's privacy.

"You want Santana to help you out?" Quinn heard the insecurity ring in her voice.

She shook her head. _Help me up?_

"Sure." Rachel stepped inside and closed the door, relieved that Quinn trusted her this much and did not seem too uncomfortable to have her around her.

Then she grabbed the terry cloth bathrobe from the hook and tried not to stare at Quinn's breast as the blonde pushed herself further up.

The bruise on the blonde's ribs had taken on a nice multi-colored shade.

Rachel steadied Quinn as she slowly brought her feet under herself and helped her to stand up.

Quinn took a couple of deep breaths to ease the pain, while Rachel draped the robe over her and helped her slip her arms into the openings.

Quinn was glad she remembered the breathing technique she had learned before giving birth to Beth. That helped a little to ease the pain, though she couldn't take too deep breaths.

Rachel supported her while she stepped out of the tub and helped her put her pajamas on. There was no sense in get fully dressed again.

It felt so natural to have Rachel so close, but the bond between them was still very fragile. This could be seen and felt in every hesitation they displayed.

Rachel lightly placed a hand on the small of Quinn's back when they walked out of the bathroom. Quinn relished the touch, knowing that it was another attempt to get to get closer.

They all settled at the table and enjoyed the soup without much conversation. All three women looked tired; the events of the last days were still clinging to their bones.

Rachel said good bye to the two other friends soon after they finished eating. She promised to come back the next morning before Santana had to leave for work.

The brunette gave Quinn a light hug before she left.

Quinn stole another kiss from her when Rachel's cheek brushed by her. With a sheepish smile she told Rachel that she was looking forward to seeing her again the next day.

_Me too,_ the brunette signed and she held Quinn's gaze for a moment, while she cupped one of her cheeks with the warm palm of her hand.

The petite woman's cheek was burning where Quinn's lips had touched her. She was hesitant so show the same kind of affection, even though it itched in her fingers and her whole being. She needed to know that Quinn was comfortable with that and the little gestured from just now, placing that kiss on her skin, gave her hope.

She bent down and whispered in the blonde's ear: "Sleep tight!" Mimicking Quinn's motion she placed a soft kiss on her cheek. They exchanged an intensive look before the brunette forced herself to step back.

Santana walked Rachel to the door and gave her another hug. Twice in one evening, Rachel was astonished. It told her how deeply Santana had been affected by their situation and how much she liked having the brunette back in their lives. She shortly pressed the taller woman against herself before she let go.

"See you tomorrow, Santana."

_See you, star._ The Latina signed.

Rachel frowned shortly, then smiled and walked out with a little wave.

… … …

Rachel had been glad when Santana came home. It was not because she did not want to spend more time with Quinn, but she had felt the fatigue catch up with her and she needed some time alone to digest everything.

Back at home she sat in front of her laptop, her hands poised over the keyboard. She wanted to say so much, but did not know how. Whenever she started to write something, she erased it again. Nothing seemed to adequately express her thoughts and feelings. Writing things down had helped her a lot over the past months. But tonight, the words just wouldn't come to her, there were too many different images flashing through her mind.

She thought back to the two days in the hospital, about the look of longing, pain and hope Quinn had given her every time she went to visit.

Over the past days she had realized - with the help of Lauren - that indeed there was no way to hide. There was no place on earth where she would ever feel completely at ease. The only possibility she had was to live her life _here and now_ as good as possible. She had the resources, she had the support and love of friends and family and she had the drive.

She still could not explain why it had hit her so hard again after all the time she had spent learning and adjusting and _enjoying_ things again, even without hearing.

It would not always be easy. Lauren had said as much and Rachel had experienced it herself.

But wasn't life about going on, about experiencing and learning?

The only other possibility she had was to not live at all. However, this did not seem to be an option any longer. She did not want to give up anymore. She wanted to prove to the world that she was still capable of doing things. Things she loved.

And she knew she loved one thing more than anything. Spending time with her friends – and Quinn. She needed all of them in her life. Hearing or not. They kept her sane and pushed her along.

What had happened was not going to change, Rachel couldn't erase the past. But she could make sure that she would not let something like that hit her so intensely again.

She could understand that Quinn was hesitant and feared that with the next episode or disappointing experience Rachel would turn her back again. And Rachel also understood that Quinn did not want to be hurt again.

She needed to show her somehow that even though she still had to learn a lot, she was capable of taking care of herself and in a wider sense that she was capable of taking care of Quinn. She wanted Quinn to know that she could stand on her own two feet again. And that she could provide for them, even for a family, on the long run.

She needed an occupation.

The past months Rachel had focused on learning to live without hearing, to compensate, to get back into the world, with all ups and downs. She had been busy surviving.

Now she felt the familiar pull again. It was a feeling that started in her stomach and spread across her chest, making her restless and a little impatient.

Rachel knew that feeling. It had always appeared when she knew she had to take her life into her own hands and needed to take action.

She needed a purpose.

She needed to know she could make her own living and would not be dependent on another person. She had spent a lot of time with Quinn while getting her bearings. But she had not much else to do.

That fact was also one of the triggers that had made her flip. She knew that everyone in that old choir room had finally found a job, had gotten closer to finding out what they wanted to do with their lives.

The Glee meetings had always been so full of excitement. They always happily shared what they had achieved, despite the doubts that Sue Sylvester had tried to sow into their hearts. Even Puck had gotten his act together and founded his own company. Almost all of them had places to go and jobs that fulfilled them. Most of all, they all had a positive outlook on the future. They knew they were on the right track.

But Rachel had been pushed back to square one, and she had nothing to tell, except about her accident. While everyone was moving forward, she had moved backwards. Now she had to start from scratch.

After the months of not knowing how she should move on and what she could do, she finally felt the tug forward again.

After every small step she had taken, Rachel had felt as if she had run a marathon. She had to assess and learn from each new situation and then, once she regained her breath, take the next step, face the next hurdle.

Now, however, she felt like something had lifted off her chest and she was able to take deeper breaths and was able to move on at a slightly faster pace.

What had happened in Lima had thrown her back, yes. But she had come a long way to take on advice and seek help, and her friends had given her clarity and had helped her open her mind again for other things.

The last new acquaintance, Kayla, had given her the final push.

She had to leave that place of self-pity and dread. She had to go on.

In order to go on, she had to let go.

She had to cut the ties that bound her to her old life. It didn't mean that she should forget and ignore everything about it.

_That_ she had already tried and had gotten her nowhere.

She had to find a way to live with her past without letting it weigh her down. Talking to the kids from that school for the deaf, maybe even accompanying them to a show to give them a glimpse behind the stage, could be a way. This experience might also help her to find a new direction in life.

Rachel hadn't told Quinn about that conversation yet, but she vowed to do it the next day. And she would talk to that reporter as well. If he was still interested to do the interview with her, she was willing to do it.

Rachel Berry was ready to face the world again.

Just like in high school, every time something was thrown at her, made her stumble, she would emerge stronger than before. It seemed like the last stumble had now fueled her courage, her ambition even more.

Despite the fatigue she had felt when coming home, she started drafting an e-mail to Patrick Remmond, the reporter who had addressed her after Quinn's concert.

_Dear Mr. Remmond,_

_We met shortly before Christmas at a concert in the Avery Fisher Hall.  
You expressed your interest in doing an interview with me. I am willing to discuss terms and conditions and timings._

Rachel thought about how to be contacted best and if she really wanted to deal with this reporter personally. Then again, she did not have a personal assistant anymore. Melissa had offered her help more than once, but Rachel felt bad to contact her now when she hadn't talked to her for months. If she wanted to do this and get the whole Sharon story behind her, she had no other choice than to deal with it on her own.

_Please get back to me as soon as possible by e-mail as I have a tight schedule during the next weeks, but I might be able to offer a free slot next Tuesday._

Well, the last part was not entirely true, but that he didn't need to know. Rachel didn't want to give him the feeling that he could dispose of her time as freely as he wanted to.

_Regards,  
Rachel Berry_

Reading over the short message once more she sent it off with a satisfied nod.

When she was finished, she took her phone and sent a message to Kayla.

_Hello Kayla, I have thought about your_   
_offer and I think I would like to talk to you_   
_and your friend to learn a little more about this idea._   
_If it would be all right with you, maybe we can meet_   
_sometime next week to discuss the details._   
_Have a nice evening,_   
_Rachel Berry_

Rachel did not expect an answer back so quickly, thinking that Kayla might be on duty, but not a minute later her phone vibrated. Kayla suggested to meet the upcoming Monday afternoon. Rachel agreed and sent the text off with a smile. They agreed on a time and location and Rachel felt the little tingles of nervousness, but also of excitement in her stomach.

Yes. It was the right thing to do, she thought.

Rachel felt that the actions she had taken by writing that reporter and contacting the nurse, put mortar to her words she had bravely exclaimed all afternoon. Now they were not just empty phrases anymore. She truly wanted to live up to her own aspirations she had expressed.

She realized that only if she kept moving forward, she and Quinn would be able to have a future together. If she stayed on the same spot, she would only weigh Quinn down and make her and herself unhappy.

Rachel sent a prayer skywards to thank for the clarity she had received.

The brunette closed the laptop and walked towards the window and looked out at the lights of the city.

She felt a smile spread across her face and her heart get a bit lighter.

She had lifted the anchor that had kept her moored to the spot. Rachel Berry was ready to set sails again.

… … …

The next morning Rachel arrived at Quinn's apartment and was surprised to find the blonde standing in the kitchen, making herself some tea.

Santana had opened the door and was on her way out to work.

"Hey Rachel, see you later, I'm late, sorry," she apologized signing the last part of the sentence and disappeared down the hallway, before Rachel could say anything in return. She focused on the other woman.

"Good morning, Quinn."

The blonde turned her head and smiled. "Good morning!"

Rachel draped her coat over one of the chairs and placed her bag on the seat.

"How are you feeling today? Are you still in much pain?"

Quinn wagged her head. _It's a little better. The pain killers help. I can move a tiny bit better_. She signed.

The singer still could not reach all the way up with her right arm, but her movements were less restricted than the past two days, which made it much easier for Rachel to read the signs.

"Good," Rachel smiled relieved. "Did you sleep ok?"

Quinn nodded. Then the water heater behind her clicked and the noise told her it had finished boiling. _You want some tea?_

"Yes, please. My fingers are freezing, its soooo cold outside!"

Quinn tried to lift her arm to get the mugs out of the cupboard, but couldn't reach up. Rachel had anticipated that and was already moving around the counter to help.

"Thanks," Quinn was a little embarrassed and it angered her that she couldn't do such a simple task herself. She sighed. Well, luckily this was only temporary.

When she had settled on the couch, Rachel sat in the armchair facing her. The silence between them felt awkward while each of them sipped their tea.

"This is weird," Rachel offered after a moment.

_What, you sitting so far away or us not talking after our discussion marathon yesterday?_ Quinn smiled challenging.

"Both."

_It never bothered us before when we had a moment of silence between us. I mean… I… damn, sorry, that was a poor choice of words._

"No, well, anyway, you're right. But I would like to tell you something."

_What?_ Quinn raised her eyebrow and hoped that Rachel had not taken a decision again regarding them or their … current relationship – however that was defined right now – without telling her.

The brunette seemed to sense Quinn's insecurity. "No, nothing that concerns us. Not directly anyway."

_Okay, so what? Come on, spill, Rachel!_

"I have decided to do the interview. I wrote that reporter an e-mail," Rachel offered.

Quinn shot her a surprised look. _Really?_

"Really. I have decided to get a clean slate once and for all with Sharon and … well, I guess with my life as well. Somehow it feels like I need to do this as part of… getting closure. I was so afraid of people seeing me, recognizing me, but whenever they did, nothing really bad happened, except for…" she waved her hand "…you know … Sharon. The others mostly just told me positive things about how they liked my performance and that they were sad that I couldn't do it anymore. And you know, it's perfectly fine for them to be disappointed and I'm ok with them telling me that." She looked at Quinn. "Now, doing this interview, I'll go public and officially let everyone know what had happened. I mean, by now most of them probably guessed it anyway, but at least they'll have an official statement from _me_."

Quinn tilted her head and looked at Rachel. It was a little difficult to believe that this was the same person who had told her that she never wanted to have anything to do with music or people who could hear. But her words sounded so sincere. This was not just talk, this seemed to come straight from her heart. She said it in the way you tell something that you have truly understood and experienced. Something that you really felt inside.

Rachel was putting actions behind her words. This took away some of the doubts that still lingered in Quinn's own heart. Rachel was fighting hard to make this work, to convince her that she had learned from her past mistakes. It eased some of the pain in the blonde's heart.

"And you know what else?" A small shy smile pulled at the corners of Rachel's lips and interrupted Quinn's train of thoughts.

_What? What?_ It must be something exciting Quinn realized, the way Rachel looked, even if there was some surprise mixed into her features. As if she couldn't quite believe herself what she was going to tell her.

The brunette told her about her encounter with the nurse from the emergency center and how she had helped her getting information on Quinn's condition that night.

"I went back yesterday day after my visit to you to thank her properly for her support. We talked for a few minutes and when she realized that I had worked on Broadway, she asked me if I was willing to… well, to…" she took a deep breath. "… to talk about Broadway to a class at the school for the deaf."

Her eyes had a tiny sparkle and that was all Quinn had to see.

_And are you going to do it?_ She asked smiling.

This would be a huge step for Rachel and Quinn was not sure if she was ready for it, not after everything that had happened. But she kept her doubts to herself. Hadn't she just one minute ago agreed that something had changed in Rachel and that she seemed… more at peace with her situation? Well, maybe peaceful was not the right word, but the way she talked and what she planned to do just seemed as if she were more accepting of her situation. Accepting and ready to move on.

Maybe there was hope indeed.

She noticed how Rachel waited for her to turn her attention back to their conversation.

Quinn blinked. _Sorry, was just thinking,_ she apologized and repeated her question, more for herself than for Rachel. _Will you do it, talk to the kids, I mean?_

Rachel inclined her head to one side. "I have thought about it. Rationally I would be the perfect person to tell those kids something about the whole business because of my experience on stage. And because of my experience…" Her voice trailed off.

_Of having visited a show and a concert without being able to hear?_ Quinn finished softly for her and hoped that the encouraging smile she sent across to Rachel reached her.

"Yes," the brunette breathed.

Quinn cocked her head and studied her for a moment. _You gave me the rational reasons_ _, but how do you feel about it_?

Rachel shrugged. "You know, the funny thing is that no matter how much I try to run away from everything music related, something always pushes me right back to it. Be it people praising my performance or someone like Kayla asking me about talking about it in front of some school kids. Or…" She looked at her hands for a moment. "…falling in love with one of the most beautiful Broadway singers," she smiled shyly.

"Maybe something or someone..." she rolled her eyes at that, "wants me to stay connected. I haven't figured out the reason, but maybe I should stop struggling and fighting against it and just take on the chances I'm given."

She paused for a second.

"I have told Kayla I would do it."

Rachel raised her eyes to gauge Quinn's reaction.

To her surprise the blonde heaved herself from the couch and came over to her. Gingerly she sat on the coffee table; much like Rachel had done the day before. Again she almost had to smile and the reversed situation that seemed so often to happen between them.

_Rachel, I…_ Quinn wiped a tear from her cheek and laughed embarrassed _. I am really proud of you! This is… I don't have words to describe what I feel, but to do something like that is a big step._ _I mean, let alone just accepting the idea and thinking about it is huge. Wow!_

"I know." Rachel said slightly humbled by Quinn's words. Then the blonde's hand was moving again.

_Please only do it if you are absolutely sure, ok? You don't have to prove everything at once._

"This has nothing to do with proving something to someone. This is about me _wanting_ to do these things. This comes directly from here," and she pointed at her heart, "and not from here." This time she touched her head.

_The heart always tells the truths._

Rachel smiled and nodded. She remembered the night where they had talked about how the truth – in the sense of anything that _felt_ true to Quinn - always made the blonde cry.

Rachel felt the same with this possibility that she had been offered. The feeling seemed to start in her chest and spread out through her body. It did feel right, somehow.

"You know, I can't promise I will always be a hundred percent ok with that. But if I don't try, I never will. The surprising thing about this is that for the first time since my accident, when thinking about musicals or talking about my experience, I feel a little excited again!"

The brown eyes sparkled again.

"I feel I could make a difference of how those kids experience a musical without the benefit of hearing the music or the dialogues. When I watched you in _Les Boehmiens_ I found out that there is so much more you can take out!"

Quinn was surprised at the excitement that came across with Rachel's words. She had been signing again in parallel. The way she moved her hands brought across a whole different level of energy, positive energy. Something definitely had changed. Maybe Rachel really was ready to step forward again. Maybe her words form the day before were really born from her inner attitude.

The blonde singer wished so much that this was true. Her own pain was still not forgotten, but at least it started to mend a little.

Talking about things had helped. Seeing how Rachel had found her inner motivation, her inner drive again, did also help.

Maybe Rachel had to go through that deep valley in order to rise above her own failings and learn through the experience. Maybe it had been necessary for her to take every single painful step of the way in order to really know where she stood now.

Quinn felt a wave of peace cloak her like a coat.

If Rachel had to live through all that pain, and if Quinn had to be part of that path and got to see life blossom again in her, then maybe it was all worth it. It didn't make it all less painful, but it was easier for her to deal with it when trying to see the larger picture and not just her own hurt.

… … …

Santana came home around five in the afternoon, having an early evening off as some of her clients were still on vacation. She found Quinn and Rachel bent over a game of Trivial Pursuit. The Latina raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you ain't got nothing better to do?" She asked. Quinn looked up and eased the frown of concentration that had crept onto her forehead after hearing Rachel read out the question.

"Tell me what the largest Mountain in Scotland is." Quinn demanded.

"Hey, no cheating!" Rachel threw in, even though Quinn had not signed the last sentence, she was pretty sure what the blonde had said to the Latina.

"As if you knew," Quinn grumbled, this time signing along.

"Yes I do, and I haven't even looked at the answer yet. So. You know it or not?" She wiggled her eyebrows challengingly.

Quinn shook her head, looking at Santana who just shrugged. "Mac Mountain, maybe?" Quinn snorted and interpreted for Rachel who rolled her eyes.

"Jesus, this ignorance!" The brunette mocked. "It's Ben Nevis."

"Yeah, that one," Santana said slowly and pronounced so Rachel could read her lips. Then she placed her things into her room and came back out.

"So, what are our dinner plans?"

She looked between the two other women and could not stop the happy feeling rise inside her at seeing Quinn and Rachel apparently a lot more at ease with each other. She had missed this so much.

They had become her second family. She had loved their dinners together; she had come to love to know that the house was rarely empty. Hopefully this peace treaty would last.

Maybe she could get a more detailed picture from Rachel a little later. She had talked to Quinn the evening before and had learned about all the things they had discussed and how Quinn felt about it.

Now she was eager to hear the other side of the story.

She did not have to wait for long, because just like the evening before, Quinn decided to take a bath. Somehow soaking in the hot water seemed to help her muscles to relax and afterwards she felt like she could move a little better.

_Is it ok if I went into the tub for a moment?_ She asked Rachel. She felt a little bad leaving her alone. But before she could revel more in her doubts, Rachel broke her out of her thoughts.

"Sure. Santana and I can prepare dinner, ok? You feel like anything special you'd like to eat?"

Quinn smiled. _Pizza!_ _With my_ _usual toppings!_

Rachel chuckled. "Ok, Pizza it is then. The majesty has ordered. Need help getting into the tub?"

The blonde shook her head. _No, I'll try by myself today. If you hear me scream then… I mean…. I…._ Quinn didn't know that she could stutter in sign language but that was what she was just doing after her stupid slip of tongue – or slip of fingers? Whatever it was, she felt her face turn red with embarrassment and watched with huge eyes Rachel's reaction.

"So if I do hear you scream, no worries, I'll rush to your side. If I don't hear you – which will probably be the case, I'll rush in anyway to check on you," Rachel quipped with a grin.

She understood why Quinn felt bad, but she wasn't particularly fazed about the comment. She just didn't want Quinn to flinch every time she used the word 'hear' or made any reference to it. Not after everything they have been through.

"It's ok, you can say it, Quinn."

_Sorry, I wasn't thinking._

Rachel cupped Quinn's cheek with her hand. "You know, actually that's a good thing. You shouldn't always have to think when we're talking. You shouldn't have to check every single word you're saying in order to avoid the word _hear_."

_Ok,_ Quinn signed relieved after a moment and Rachel noticed how her shoulders relaxed just a tiny bit. _Good to know you'll come to the rescue,_ she then added with a mischievous smile before she turned to head for the bath tub, _or do you just use this as an excuse just to see me naked?_

Rachel snorted. "Yes, I do."

When Quinn had disappeared into the other room, Santana came out of hers, having changed into some other clothes.

_So. What's for dinner?_

"Pizza. Can you order?" Rachel asked her friend.

_Sure_. Taking the order from Rachel for Quinn and herself, she called the delivery service and added her own favorite Italian dish to the list.

Rachel went into the kitchen and pulled out some plates, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Carefully she set down the dishes and turned.

"What?" Her eyes flicked between Santana's darker ones and her lips and hands. When the Latina did not speak, she prompted her again. "What, Santana?"

_I'm just thinking how to phrase this._

"Phrase what?"

_Berry, let me think, ok?_

" _You_ interrupted _me_ , so…"

"Yeah, well…" _Anyway, how're you doing?_ She added with her hands.

Rachel frowned. "You already asked me that yesterday."

_And today is another day. Humor me, Berry, will you?_

"Hey, I'm not one of your corporate asses you can boss around." Rachel exclaimed.

_No, but you are one of my best friends and after the shock you gave me_ Santana scribbled on the ever present note pad on the counter, and added: _yes, you did!_ after seeing Rachel's skeptic look when the brunette read the first sentence over her shoulder, _when you broke up with Quinn, I think I'm entitled to know about your progress and how you're doing_.

Rachel threw her hands in the air, but the right words wouldn't come out of her mouth.

She dropped her arms finally and breathed out. "Fine." And she went on to recapture the day for Santana.

The Latina perked up when she talked about wanting to do the interview and that she had already contacted the reporter.

Rachel was a little surprised about her friend's reaction when Santana pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head.

The brunette steeled herself for another discussion.

God, she had had so many over the past two days, it would have been nice to just enjoy the evening with some lighter conversation. Not that she didn't appreciate all the talking with Quinn, but right now she felt like she had poured her soul onto the table and just didn't have the energy anymore to discuss anything else that night.

Wearily, she looked at Santana. "You have a problem with that? I told you before I might consider it."

_Yes, I know, and I partly understand why you want to do it. But_ _Rachel, you can't handle that directly all by yourself!_

"Why not?"

_Because you are too emotionally involved in that!_ Rachel could almost hear the sound of the pen when Santana smacked it on the counter after she finished writing.

"And you aren't Santana? If I remember correctly, you almost wanted to kill Sharon!"

Santana rolled her eyes. _Well, whatever, but you shouldn't do that interview alone. I'll be there with you. I have gotten to know that woman – at least from afar - and I have heard how she threatened you._

"Santana, I'm going to have the interview with the reporter, not with her!"

_Rachel, don't try my patience. And I know she won't be there, but you are doing this_ _because of_ _her. I'll be there with you._

"What, are you my manager now?" Rachel threw her arms in the air.

_Yes. Consider me that for this interview. Fact is, this might get pretty emotional and you might want to have someone on your side who can avert_ _the mean and too personal_ _questions. You want someone with you who can back you up and who can tell people to their face if they went too far. Not that I currently see that danger, but you never know. If everything goes well, I'll just be sitting in the back corner quietly observing and I won't do anything else, I promise._

Rachel eyed Santana wearily. Part of her was moved by the fierce protectiveness the Latina displayed. She had a point. This could get pretty emotional and that was never a good thing with reporters. So it would be good to have someone with her. On the other hand, she had handled so many interviews, she would think she could handle this one as well. _Yes, but during the other interviews you weren't deaf and you didn't have your former manager trying to ruin your life,_ a little voice in her head told her. Rachel sighed.

"Fine. Promise you will hold back as long as I don't need a watch dog."

Santana chuckled at Rachel's choice of words. _Deal. Tell that reporter to contact me regarding the details. You want to stay in the business, so don't let your guard down too far. I'm still not sure I like the idea of that interview, but well, that is your decision. Will you have an interpreter with you?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I asked Carmen if she would help me with that."

_Good. Forward me the e-mail you sent to him and I will organize the rest and keep you in the loop._

Rachel shook her head. "I still don't get why you want to do that, Santana. That's not your job. You already have one training people and not organizing a simple interview for one of your friends."

_Well, we'll see about 'simple'. The interview will be on a quite personal level if you talk about your accident and the consequences. This increases the necessity of having a friend there with you._

Santana softened her gaze and Rachel noticed the real concern behind the dark eyes.

The petite woman smiled and inclined her head shortly. "Ok." After a short moment she laughed and added: "Maybe I should have given you a different nickname."

Santana raised an eyebrow. _Which one?_

"Bulldog!" Rachel said laughing.

Santana smirked and shook her head slightly.

_You are something else, Berry, honestly. Oh, someone is at the door!_ And she pointed towards the entrance. Rachel fished her wallet out of the bag and waved Santana off when she wanted to pay the delivery guy who stood outside with three deliciously smelling pizzas.

Santana took the food to the table and nodded with her head towards the bathroom. Rachel picked up the cue went to help Quinn get out of the tub again.

… … …

Soon they sat around the table, blissfully biting into their still hot slices. Rachel chewed slowly and thought about the past two days and what would happen now. The forty-eight hours were over.

Quinn didn't need a babysitter anymore, technically speaking. She felt better apart from the pain in her ribs, but that was to be expected to last for a few more days.

Rachel wouldn't have to come over the next day. Technically speaking.

Quinn looked up from her plate and met Rachel's gaze.

The blonde realized as well that her 'observation time' was over and that there was no real reason for Rachel to come over the next day. Technically speaking.

Santana let her eyes wander between the two women. "You two have exactly the same expression on your face. That's creepy. Care to let me in?"

Rachel noted Santana's hands moving out of the corner of her eye, but could not tear herself away from Quinn. She tried to understand what was going on behind the blonde's hazel eyes.

Quinn in turn wondered the same about Rachel. She had blocked out Santana's voice, focusing on her former girlfriend, wishing she knew what to do next.

The brunette finally broke their eye contact and picked up the pizza slice from her plate. It was hard to keep looking at Quinn not knowing what the blonde expected from her. It was hard having lost this unique connections they had shard. It was even harder knowing that she had purposely destroyed it.

Suddenly the pizza didn't taste so good any more. She pushed it away, catching Santana's frown.

"Now what? One minute I see you two guys all lovey-dovey and now you are both pulling a face. What's happening here?" Santana looked from one to the other. She tried to sign again, but failed at the lovey-dovey and pulled a paper close to write down what she had said.

When neither woman said anything, Santana slapped her hand on the table, which caused Quinn to jerk her head towards her best friend. The Latina picked up the pen and simultaneously scribbled down her words while she spoke.

"All right, I know what's going on. Quinn, why don't you ask Rachel to come visit you again tomorrow? And Rachel, why don't you offer to look after Quinn and help her out tomorrow? This way you don't have to make such long faces. Problem solved. I mean, I love my best friend here, but it's about time someone else combed her hair in the morning and helped her getting dressed. "With that she pointedly looked at Rachel, who blushed slightly under the glowering look from the Latina.

Quinn looked at her plate, but couldn't hide a small smirk.

After a second, Rachel also had to smile. Leave it to Santana to pick up on the tension and voice the obvious in her own special and very unsubtle way.

It was funny when both women looked at each other and asked at the same time:

"Will you?" "You want me to?"

Santana snorted and shook her head, but wore a very content expression on her face while she slowly devoured the rest of her dinner.

Honestly, as much as she loved her friends, sometimes she wished she could push them like she pushed her clients.

Later, when Rachel left and Quinn accompanied her to the door, Santana was glad to hear an almost whispered "See you tomorrow," from Rachel. When her best friend then slowly reached out to give the brunette a small hug and a kiss, her heart was happy for a while.

… … …

Back at the table, Santana smirked at her.

"So, Q, I'm glad you both managed to wipe that frown off your faces."

Quinn looked confused. "Which frown?"

Santana rolled her eyes. "C'mon, don't play dumb. When both of you realized that you didn't need a babysitter anymore."

"Oh. That."

"Yes, that." The Latina eyed her roommate for a couple of seconds. "How does it feel?"

The blonde thought for a moment. She knew Santana was not referring to her physical aches and pains. She let out a long breath and then shrugged a little.

"Strange. Strangely foreign, as if we were walking on raw eggs when being around each other. On the other hand, it feels… good. I'm relieved that we are at least talking again."

"And kissing." Santana smirked.

"Yeah, well, that too." Quinn smiled a little. "Guess we need a little more time to comfortably get back to that, too."

"But it felt right," Santana prompted her.

"Yes. It did."

Quinn leaned against the back of her chair. "Rachel is going to do the interview. And she has another project that she is probably going to take on."

Santana heard the surprise in Quinn's voice. And a little pride.

"She told me about the interview and I'm going to be with her when she speaks to that reporter. He seems nice enough, but I think she needs an objective person with her." Santana said.

Quinn snorted. "As if you can be objective. You'll rip that reporter in two if there is only a slight hint of him stepping out of the line."

"You got that right!" The Latina laughed. "Are you mad that she did not ask you to be present? I mean, not that she asked me, I just invited myself."

"Guess you didn't leave her another chance." Quinn smiled at the protectiveness Santana showed towards Rachel. "She told me about it and no, I'm not mad. Rachel didn't want to expose me, but I will be there nevertheless. At least listening in to make sure as well that this guy doesn't overstep any boundaries. I know that business and how tricky and sneaky these people can be."

"That reporter will be surprised to see such a crowed."

"Has she told you about her talk at the school?"

Santana frowned. "What talk?"

Quinn smiled. The Latina noticed again something glimmer in Quinn's eyes, and it wasn't tears. It was joy, admiration and hope. When the former Cheerios captain explained, Santana understood her reaction.

"Wow. That's a major leap forward. Guess she really meant what she said about wanting to move on."

Quinn nodded. "Yes. I… I'm still a bit worried that this might be a little too much. I'm still worried that this might trigger another set-back, but on the other hand I'm surprised and proud that she is taking those steps. It … it gives me hope that she can truly accept me and my profession. She is working hard on overcoming our issues."

"And so are you. Quinn, I'm really happy that you two are reconnecting. It broke my heart to see you both so devastated. You belong together; there is no way around it. And…" she hesitated a moment, before she continued. "…you've become my family. I can't have my family break up," she smiled wistfully.

Quinn moved over to where her friend stood and gave her a hug, touched by the raw emotion she saw play across Santana's face.

"We're on the mend," Quinn answered when she pulled back and repeated it with a smile. "We're on the mend."

And her heart did feel like it was healing.


	59. Chapter 59

**Still don't own Glee or its original characters.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 59**

When Rachel got home on the second day that Quinn was out of the hospital, she did not put off calling her dads any longer. Hiram answered almost immediately. He must have sat at his desk working with his laptop to accept the call so quickly.

Rachel definitely needed and wanted to share with her fathers what had happened over the past days.

Hiram was shocked when he heard about Quinn's accident, but when Rachel proceeded telling them that Quinn would be all right and how they both had handled the whole situation, he was immensely relieved.

_Honey, this was not easy for you, the whole year was not easy for you, to say the least. But the way you handled this situation was really courageous and it was great that you were there for Quinn._

Rachel looked down at her hands; she didn't feel like she deserved the praise.

She changed the topic and told her dad about the planned interview and how Santana insisted on being there for her.

Hiram laughed. _Well, she sounds like a tough cookie. But she is right. I feel better knowing that there is someone with you. And not…_ he raised his hand to stall Rachel's comment _, … because you can't hear, ok? It is just that your whole journey through the past year is a sensitive topic so it is good to have moral support._

"Yes. I know. I just hope that with that the whole Sharon Basont problem is done with."

_Well, if she keeps causing trouble, let me know. I'll come and shake some sense into her, if all else fails_. Her dad signed and reminded Rachel much of a male Santana just now.

Rachel's eyes widened with surprise when she realized that he was only half joking. Her dad was not a violent man, he couldn't even kill a spider and he had never hit another person in his whole life. To hear him offer this in earnest told her how much it seemed to shake him that she had to suffer such unjustified treatment – in public on top. The protectiveness that demonstrated his words touched Rachel's heart.

"Aw, daddy, that's so sweet. But let's see if we can outsmart Sharon at her own game first. If nothing else helps, I'll come back to your offer, ok?"

Hiram chuckled. _Okay, honey._

Then Rachel debated to tell them about her newest project, but decided against it in the end. It was still too fresh and she did not know yet if it would actually happen. She wanted to talk to Kayla and her friend first before spreading the word further. It was ok for Santana and Quinn to know, but that was about it for now until she had more news.

Well, maybe she would tell Lauren about it, too, as her new friend was so involved in her progress and could also provide her with some valuable input. But these were about all people who could know about it for now.

Hiram looked at his daughter and again saw the change in her that the re-connection with Quinn had caused. The dark circles under her eyes did not have that deep dark shadow anymore and there was a spark back in her eyes. She seemed more alive again.

Their little girl seemed to be made of much tougher wood than they had ever anticipated. He and Leroy knew that her outer demanding and tough demeanor often covered the much softer and sensitive part of Rachel.

Her breakdown in Lima had blindsided him and his husband completely and he was surprised and relieved that Rachel had managed to come to terms with all that had triggered it.

They had feared for her life more than once during the past year. But she seemed to draw on a secret source of strength that somehow kept her going. To receive such a devastating blow, losing her hearing when her career just had taken off, would have crushed anyone. Still, she managed to pull herself up, kept fighting, fell down again many times on her way and yet got up again.

She tried to face her fears, her challenges, her mistakes and soldiered on.

The pride inside him swelled when he gazed at this wonderful and beautiful being in front of him that he was lucky enough to call his daughter.

Rachel cocked her head. Her dad seemed lost in thoughts and hadn't said anything for almost a full minute while she watched a range of emotions chase across his face.

"Daddy, are you all right? Don't feel rejected, if you want to punch someone so badly, maybe we can find a boxing ring for you or something."

This made him laugh and the sentimental moment rushed by. _Thanks, I'm fine, pumpkin. Just had a… softie moment._

"A softie moment?" Rachel frowned. She was not sure if she had read his signs correctly. Hiram had gotten quite good at signing, but some words and phrases still needed to be either spelled, written down or described. Nevertheless, he tried really hard.

Hiram nodded. _I'm proud of you, Rachel. I'm proud of your strength, your courage and your honesty. You don't shy away long from the truth and that is one of your strengths. I'm glad you have come so far and that you were not too proud to look upon your mistakes and try to make things right. That needs courage and wisdom._

Rachel breathed a smile. "Well, I had good teachers all around me. Friends and Family who did not shy away to show me the truth."

_But it takes courage to face it and wisdom to recognize it as such. And these two traits came from within yourself._ Hiram smiled again and studied his daughter for a moment.

Rachel bit her lip and let his words sink in without saying anything in return.

_Anyway, I'll let you go now. Besides, I'll meet your dad in half an hour for dinner, so I have to get ready,_ Hiram signed again when he had the attention from his daughter again.

"Mmmm, a romantic evening, nice! Hug dad from me!"

_Sure will! Take care honey and let's talk again soon, ok?_

Rachel nodded and waved. "Bye." Then she blew a kiss at the screen that Hiram caught and pretended to swallow, which made his daughter laugh.

_Still taste like when you were little_ , he joked. _Bye now, sweetie!_

Rachel shook her head in amusement and then disconnected the call. Leaning back on her couch, she felt contentment spread through her. It felt so good to be connected again, to share her life with her dads like she used to.

And it felt even better to start sharing her life with Quinn again. It was hardly believable that they had only been separated for a week, but the intensity of the feeling that came with the separation made it seem like a whole year.

It was interesting to learn that the _actual_ amount of time that passed sometimes did not matter; often the _perceived_ time span differed greatly, depending on the intensity of the emotions that came with the moment.

A couple of minutes later the Skype icon pulsated again, indicating another call coming in. When Rachel accepted she was surprised to see Quinn on the other side of the screen.

"Hi, is everything ok?" Rachel asked concerned.

Quinn nodded.

_Hi!_ _Yes, everything is fine. I just wanted to ask you, if it is ok to give Beth your Skype contact. I just talked to her and she was asking about you and wanted to know if it was possible to speak to you._ The blonde paused for a moment. _I think she was really disappointed that we didn't come to dinner._

Rachel hung her head and chewed her lip. She still felt very bad about letting the little girl down. In fact, she should have thought about apologizing to her.

She was surprised that Beth took the initiative to call her, though.

"Sure, of course it is all right."

Quinn picked up on Rachel's emotions. _Rachel, it_ _'_ _s ok. I explained to Beth that there was a situation that you needed to come to terms with first – that we both needed to come to terms with. I didn't tell her the details, but she seemed to understand better than I would have thought for a ten year old._

"Oh. She seemed very bright," Rachel smiled.

_Yes, and she's definitely got that from me,_ Quinn laughed. _Anyway, she might want to call you tonight, so I won't hold you up any longer._ She waited for a second then added with a soft smile: _I'm happy to see you again tomorrow._

Rachel reached out and touched the screen where Quinn's cheek was. She much rather preferred to feel the real skin under her fingertips.

Despite the kiss they had shared and holding hands they were still both reserved about any further physical contact. She wondered when that would change again. "Me too. I… I liked spending the day with you." A shy smile arched across her lip. "Have a good night, Quinn, and thank you for letting me know about Beth."

_You are welcome. Sleep tight tonight, ok?_

Rachel lifted her right hand; thumb, index finger and pinky extended and wiggled it slightly in front of the camera.

Quinn answered in the same manner and then touched the screen with her forefinger, as if wanting as much physical contact as Rachel. With a smile both signed off.

… … …

Just like Quinn had predicted, Beth did indeed call Rachel that same evening. Apparently she had just come out of her bath, because she was sitting with a pink bathrobe and wet hair in front of the screen.

Rachel wondered shortly, how they would conduct this conversation, since she didn't have an interpreter with her, but was relieved when she noticed how adapt the girl was with the whole technique of using the chat window. It told her that this was probably not the first time she did that.

_Hi Rachel! Quinn told me it was okay to call you. I just wanted to talk to you and show you all the signs I have learned, since you couldn't come to our dinner. I have learned even more in the mean time!_

Rachel smiled at the enthusiasm that seeped through the written lines.

"Hi Beth! I'm glad you called. I am truly sorry to have disappointed you for not coming to your house on Christmas."

_Yes, that was sad, but it's ok, Quinn explained it to me. Are you all better now?_ The sincere look on Beth face was just adorable.

Rachel nodded and started using her hands in parallel. If Beth was still into learning sign language, she might as well help. She made a fist and bent it once. "Yes." Then she moved her straight right hand from her mouth with fingertips first touching her lips, forward in a small arc. "Thank you."

_You want to know what I've learned?_ Beth wiggled on her chair and the brunette had to laugh at the excitement she exuded.

"Sure, go ahead." Rachel noticed how Beth followed the movements of her hands with her eyes and a look of concentration.

Beth first repeated the signs she had learned from Rachel at the Lima Bean, asking how she was and telling her that she was fine herself. She forbade Rachel to talk and asked her to only sign to her. This would make the exercise more fun, Beth stated and Rachel more than willingly complied. This was definitely a call of a different kind and she already liked it.

When they had covered the pleasantries, the blonde girl with the hazel eyes that reminded the brunette so much of Quinn's, continued. Slowly and with a face of utter concentration she formed the next signs, telling Rachel what her name was, where she lived and what hobbies she liked.

The former singer was truly impressed by the large vocabulary the girl presented and also by the accuracy of the sings. She definitely had also inherited the streak of perfection from her mother.

When Beth had finished signing the information about herself, Rachel answered. Even though she was not allowed to speak, she said the words she assumed were unfamiliar to Beth aloud, so the girl could identify the sign.

_I am_ "impressed!" _You know so_ _much_ "already!"

Beth silently repeated the word "impressed _"_ and "already", letting her hands form the signs she had just witnessed Rachel use.

"How come you are so interested to learn sign language, Beth?" Rachel asked aloud after a while of the silent exchange. The brunette was really surprised that Beth took it so seriously and was impressed by her determination. She felt honored and touched that the little girl she hardly knew showed more consideration and interest then some of her old friends from the show business.

Beth shrugged and typed: _You are Quinn's friend and I like you. Besides, it's cool to have a secret language at school, I'm teaching my best friend too,_ she grinned.

Rachel snorted. She could so imagine Beth and her friend exchanging unspoken words at school and the teachers were none the wiser.

"Don't get into trouble, though, promise? Don't tease your teachers with this, ok?"

_Oh, you sound just like Quinn and mom!_ Beth pouted and Rachel chuckled.

"Ok, tell you what. I teach you a couple of words every week if you promise you won't use ASL to cheat or talk bad about other people in front of them. Not that I think you would, but…" she thought about how best to explain it. Rachel didn't think Beth was the type to misuse her knowledge, but she also wanted her to understand that this was not just a game, but Beth took the words right out of her mouth.

_You don't want me to think this is just for fun, because it's the only real way you can hear and it's important to you._

"Yes, that is correct." This girl was really perceptive. "And using it correctly shows a form of respect for the language and the people using it."

_I promise I won't do anything nasty,_ Beth solemnly declared with a serious face. She looked like she truly meant it.

"Ok," the brunette smiled, then. "How have you learned so much so quickly?"

_There are a lot of videos on you tube and there are also some websites that are like video dictionaries and show you the sign for each word. That's so cool! And my mom bought me a book with pictures._

The girl's enthusiasm was back.

_But I'd much rather learn it from you, because than I can already practice right away. And if you sign while you talk I can also learn._

Rachel agreed and then asked what Beth wanted to know. The girl asked her about some general words and phrases like walking, talking, sleeping, eating, family members, locations, and question words. The former singer remembered her first lessons with Carmen and used this structure to give Beth the most important signs first.

After they had covered a couple of words and weaved them into short sentences, Shelby bent over Beth shoulder and waved at the screen. She moved her lips in what looked like "Hi Rachel."

Beth frowned and turned to say something to her mother.

Rachel couldn't quite make out what it was, but it looked like she told her to type something, as she pointed to the screen and then at the keyboard.

Shelby rolled her eyes at her daughter's reprimand and bent over the keys.

_Hi Rachel! My daughter just reminded me "very gently" that I should use the chat window. Actually I didn't want to disturb you two, I just wanted to say hello_. She smiled.

"Don't worry, it's ok," Rachel laughed and since Shelby was already there, she apologized to her as well for the dinner cancelation.

The other woman let her fingers rest on the table for a moment before she typed her answer with Beth frowning next to her.

_Quinn told me about your break up. And about what happened at New Year's Eve. I'm glad Quinn is ok and that you two somehow made up through all this. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this. I wish there was something I could do._

Rachel bit her lip. It was nice to hear that Shelby cared so much about her.

"Well, it took me a while, but I realized how wrong I was eventually. I'm just glad I had some friends who helped me open my eyes. Quinn and I have been talking the past days and I think we are on a good way."

Rachel was ware that Beth was still privy to their conversation and she did not want to go too much into detail with the girl listening in.

_I'm very glad to hear that. I let you get back to Beth, maybe we can catch up when you two are finished?_

"Yes, I would like that! Talk to you later!"

When Shelby left the room, Beth asked typing: _Did you and Quinn have a fight? Was that why you didn't come to dinner?_

"Yes," Rachel nodded. "I had a very bad day and I said not so very nice things to Quinn. I'm truly sorry about that and the mistakes I made. So I apologized and now we are talking again." She hoped that the girl did not want to know any more details and was glad when she started talking about her own experience.

_I had a fight once with Scarlet. She's my best friend. She said some mean things to me which weren't true and I hated her for doing that._

"What happened then?"

_I didn't talk to her for a long time. It made me really sad and I missed her. She found out that the things she had said to me - which she had heard from someone else - weren't true and then apologized. We are now playing together again and sit next to each other at school!_

"That's great to hear. And it's nice that you forgave her." Wishing she could talk about herself and Quinn as easily again as Beth talked about her best friend.

"Listen, your mom wanted to talk to me, how about you call her for me and we continue our chat and ASL lesson next week, if you like?"

Beth nodded and clapped her hand. _Yes, I would like that very much!_ _Same time on Thursday?_ When Rachel nodded, the girl turned her head and called out to her mom.

Rachel smiled, having imagined Beth to stand up and get her mom instead of shouting through the house at the top of her lungs – or at least it looked like she was doing just that.

Shelby entered after a moment, talking to her daughter and shaking her head slightly, probably reprimanding her. Then they swapped seats and Beth waved good-bye at Rachel, pressing a kiss on her mom's cheek.

When Beth had left, Shelby wanted to know from Rachel what had happened and her other daughter tentatively told her about the last weeks.

The older woman nodded when she was finished, now she knew both sides of the story. After a short silence between them, Shelby started typing again.

_I'm glad you two are talking again._ she paused again for a second, _I didn't know about your relationship with Quinn before we met at the café, but the way you two acted around each other showed me that you really love each other. And after all that has happened I really wish for you both to find happiness._

"Thank you Shelby," was all Rachel could say, gracing the other woman with a small smile. She saw in her face that her words were sincere.

Shelby cocked her head slightly and changed the subject.

_Listen, we'll come to New York for Quinn's birthday and it would be great to see you then as well. In the meantime, maybe we can keep a chat line open once a week? I don't want to sound nosy, but I'd like to hear what is going on in your life, if that is okay with you._

"Sure. Beth also wanted to talk to me to keep on learning sign language, so the channel is already open," Rachel explained.

Then Shelby surprised her by signing _Great_ , moving her palms facing forward at the height of her face and then again at the height of her chest, as if touching an imaginary wall twice. Then she continued signing. _Take care!_

"You… when did you learn?" Rachel's astonishment was obvious in her voice.

Shelby grinned. _You wouldn't want Beth to outsmart me, now, would you?_ She joked, typing again. Then she sobered. _I'm learning with her, most of the time. Rachel, this is important to me and I really want to be able to talk to you. I will check for ASL classes here in Lima to get us moving along, but please keep your weekly schedule with Beth, she was so excited to call you tonight. She really likes you, you know._

"Thank you, Shelby. That is really nice of you. And I'm glad Beth isn't holding a grudge against me. I really like her as well."

_Well, and I'm glad that my two daughters are getting along,_ Shelby smiled.

Rachel had to shake her head at the intricate situation. Shelby was her birthmother, Quinn her girlfriend and Beth was Quinn's daughter, Having been adopted by Shelby.

Really, even a very inventive soap opera writer would not have come up with such a constellation.

Both women agreed that Rachel would call Beth again the following week and then said good-bye.

When Rachel went to bed that night she felt her lips curl up in a smile again while thinking of her day and Beth.

Of all people she would never had imagined to become friends with a ten year old who took on learning sign language as if it was the most natural thing on earth.

Thinking back of how accepting Quinn had been or Puck, for that matter, she actually should not have been surprised about Beth's behavior. Seemed like the girl had inherited all the good traits form her parents and Shelby's upbringing rounded everything up. Beth would surely grow up to be a wonderful, funny and caring person.

... ... ...

Quinn was surprised to feel less stiff then she expected when she woke up the next morning. Maybe all that past Cheerio practice and the current dance rehearsals still paid off. Carefully she moved her left arm. It still hurt, but not as much, so she decided to leave off the sling. As for her right arm, she managed to lift it up to her chin already without her ribs feeling like someone thrust a dagger into her side.

Great, brushing her teeth should also work better now. Santana had tied her toothbrush to a wooden cooking spoon two nights before because she couldn't bring her hand up high enough and she absolutely refused to let someone else help her brush her teeth. It made her feel too helpless in regards to the comparably "small" injuries.

Happy about her newly won freedom in movement, Quinn got dressed. It was still slow progress and she needed to be careful to not move too quickly, but at least she felt a little bit more like herself. The headache had reduced to a dull throbbing that she could ignore for a while before taking the first pain medication. Besides, she didn't want to stay on meds twenty four hours. She needed to see how she was really healing.

Maybe she could go back to work mid next week. It was Thursday now and over the next few days her condition should improve further. Quinn had not tried to sing yet, afraid to take too deep breaths, but she would try the next days and see what her ribs where telling her of that idea.

After she got dressed, she almost bumped into Santana in the hallway.

"Morning. You still here? It's after eight," she greeted the Latina.

"Mhm, yeah. Have a late schedule today. When is Rachel coming over?"

"Around nine thirty. Why?"

"Good. I need to talk to her. That reporter guy wrote back to me."

Quinn's left eyebrow shot up. "Oh, what did he say?"

"Nothing we like," Santana huffed.

Now, Quinn was alarmed. "What? What did he write?"

"Apparently he heard through the grapevine that Sharon is short of releasing another article, probably blowing more of her fucking bullshit into the air. This time she allegedly has pictures from Rachel at the club and at the concert."

The blonde digested this for a moment. "And, do you think Rachel's interview might in any way help - if we manage to publish it before that one?"

Santana shrugged. "It would definitely take some wind out of Sharon's sail."

"Don't know if that will ever be enough. I'd rather destroy her whole ship and make her sink."

Santana chuckled at the analogy. "Yeah, agreed. But, the canons will have to wait if Lady Berry still wants to play tactics."

Quinn nodded pensively. She didn't say anything for a moment and rubbed her chin.

"What?" Santana prompted her.

"Nothing. Just... I'm a little tired even though I slept until now. Guess the past days are still catching up with me. Emotionally, physically, rationally, just in every way."

The Latina nodded. "Can understand that. It's been a tough ride for both of you. Hell, for all of us! Don't think I or Lady Hummel did suffer any less! Well, maybe a little, but not by much!"

Quinn looked at her friend. "I know. God, it's just so hard to understand sometimes. Guess, if you don't really live through something like that yourself, you know, what Rachel is going through, then it will always be hard to completely comprehend. In a way, I could understand what Rachel meant by wanting to be with deaf people as well."

"Yes. But I'm glad she came around and realized that her world consists of both sides and that she has a whole lot of support around her."

Despite all consideration Santana had come to realize that even though they all learned sign language and were very thoughtful about which activities they planned so Rachel could enjoy them also, there was still a lot of experience missing to better understand their friend's situation.

"Nevertheless, we also need to gain a little more understanding."

Quinn frowned. "How so?"

"You'll see. Patience Q!"

"Somehow that doesn't ease my nerves. Whenever Santana Lopez plans a surprise…"

"…it's always fucking good, you gotta admit that Quinn!"

"Yeah, but somehow I have the feeling that this is something different."

Santana narrowed her eyes. "Why?"

"Don't know, just a gut feeling," Quinn shrugged and grimaced.

"Huh," was all Santana answered. When it was clear that she wouldn't volunteer any further information, Quinn changed the subject. She would just have to wait and see.

"When do you have to leave for work?"

"Have my first client at ten thirty. What are you up to today? Any plans? You must be getting bored sitting on the couch all day. Unless..."

"Unless what?" Quinn frowned.

"Unless you're making out with Berry," Santana smirked and moved out of her friend's reach who wanted to slap her on the arm.

"Shut up."

"If you're that agile again, I'm gonna execute my little plan with you on Sunday."

"That sounds almost like a threat."

"Nah, it's gonna be a nice little excursion and no, you don't have to move that much. So your bruised ribs won't be an excuse."

"Yeah, ask me again in three days." Quinn frowned, trying to figure out what Santana could have meant by "little excursion". She hated not knowing what her friend was planning, but the other woman wouldn't budge.

"Don't worry, you'll see soon enough!" Was all the Latina answered, which was _not_ very helpful, Quinn thought.

… … …

That morning Rachel caught an earlier train by chance and rang the bell a little sooner than planned. She still felt uncomfortable using the key from the apartment that was still in her possession. Somehow it wrong to barge right in.

"Yo, Berry, come in," Santana greeted her friend when the brunette arrived a little after nine.

"What?" Rachel frowned and then caught Quinn's moving hands out of the corner of her eye before the Latina could answer.

_Santana just greeted you in her Lopez street style,_ Quinn signed from the kitchen and repeated her friend's words signing. The blonde was relieved to notice that she could also sign better than the day before. So much progress on every level, this was bound to be a good day, she thought.

Rachel came in and hung her bag over one of the chairs and placed her coat on top.

"Good morning!" She placed two large cups on the table. "Sorry, I didn't think you were still here, Santana, otherwise I would have brought you also a coffee."

_I can take just yours._

"Chai Latte with Soy Milk and an extra shot of caramel?"

Santana made a face and pretended to gag. _Keep it._

Rachel smiled smugly. "Thought so."

The Latina went to the counter and grabbed the pad while Rachel went over to Quinn and gave her a gentle hug, careful to not inflict more pain. When she pulled back, she felt Quinn's arm around her waist not letting her budge. She looked into the hazel eyes and could not hold back any longer. She tilted her head ever so slightly and let her lips brush over Quinn's. As soon as they touched she pulled back again, only to repeat the same motion. This time she lingered a bit longer and when she pulled back she felt Quinn's lips follow hers.

Rachel smiled a little and gave in, meeting her half way. Their lips parted and they shared a most tender and loving kiss. It had felt like ages to them since they last had shared such intimacy and neither of them wanted it to stop.

Rachel's throat escaped an involuntary mewing sound and made Quinn sigh in return. They were lost in each other and forgot the whole world around them.

"Ahem." Santana cleared her throat.

Quinn pulled back reluctantly and signed: _We have an audience._

"Oh." The brunette turned halfway and bashfully looked at the floor. Jesus, she had totally forgotten about Santana.

"Yeah, not that I don't like a good show, but I need to talk to Rachel before I have to leave for work."

She handed Rachel the pad where she had written something down. She had not signed her former sentence and saw the question in Rachel's face.

It was really time she got better at signing, this was so tedious and Santana hated it that she forgot sometimes to sign along when she shot out a remark. Besides it was hard to bring across the words in ASL the way she would verbally. But she tried, nevertheless, not wanting to give up on her signature, which often amused Rachel.

Santana held out her hand and Rachel gave her back the pad without having read what the Latina had written first.

Santana quickly scribbled down what she had said, not wanting Quinn having to interpret. She should save her strength to talk to Rachel and not act as an interpreter.

When Rachel read Santana's words, she looked up.

"So he replied."

Santana nodded. _Tuesday is on – if you are still wanting to do it,_ she wrote.

Rachel nodded slowly. "Yes. I do."

The Latina exchanged a quick glance with Quinn.

"What?" Rachel frowned.

_That guy told me something else as well._

"What?" The petite woman's brown eyes darted between Quinn and Santana.

Quinn raised her hands and signed.

_He heard that Sharon is planning another article about you._

"Oh. I thought – I hoped – that she somehow had forgotten about me since we didn't hear anything from her for quite a while now."

_Apparently not._

Rachel shrugged. "Well, does he know when we should meet and what Sharon is going to do?"

Santana nodded and told her what she knew. Then she wrote: _We should do your interview as soon as possible. Remmond offered to do it tomorrow, Saturday, instead of next Tuesday. Then he could run it latest on Monday. Maybe even Sunday._

"That soon?" Rachel had expected to have a couple of days more to mentally prepare for this.

_If you don't want to do it, you don't have to, Rachel._ Quinn told her.

The brunette shook her head after a moment. "No, I'll do it. "

_Good. We can meet him at the Sheraton Hotel at ten in the morning._

"Why do we have to go to a hotel?"

_Because he suggested some privacy and apparently sometimes he can use a suite the magazine rents for interviews. This way others won't overhear the conversation and it ensures privacy and confidentiality or something like that._

"Ok. So tomorrow it is, then." Rachel sighed and looked at Quinn who smiled encouragingly at her.

_Yes._

"I still wonder why she is doing this. I'm nothing, I'm not a huge star, and even if, why would she go to so much trouble to discredit me? I don't get it. Just to ruin my life in case I should ever consider to go back on stage or what?"

_Rachel, we might never find out the real reason. Do it your way and let her run into her own wall. In the end she and others will see that she was wrong. I'll come with you tomorrow._

"Oh no you don't! First of all, I don't want you to move too much and secondly, why do you want to give that reporter more to talk about? Even if he agreed to only publish what has been agreed on, we cannot be absolutely sure that he'll stick to it in the end. Once any news are out, the damage is done, no matter what we agreed on."

_So let him. I don't care._

Rachel still shook her head. "Quinn, Santana will be with me and hopefully Carmen. I have to ask her if she is available tomorrow. Anyway, I won't be alone and you have to rest!"

_But…_

"No 'but'. I mean it Quinn. You have to rest."

_Yes, Berry is right. You have to rest, because we are going out the next day._ Santana chimed in.

"What?" Rachel exclaimed with a fairly incredulous look on their faces.

"Listen, apparently Quinn seems fit enough – as incredible as it is – to want to move around and about, so I will take her somewhere Sunday night."

"Santana, Quinn is still hurting and she's had a concussion don't you think whatever you have planned can wait?" Rachel stepped in front of the Latina.

Santana found it very touching how Rachel tried to shield Quinn from her.

Quinn tapped Rachel on her shoulder and signed while talking to Santana.

"Is that what you told me about this morning? That little outing?"

_Yes._ Santana turned towards Rachel. _Don't worry, she does not have to move much._

"As if that's a consolation." Rachel huffed.

Santana turned from Rachel and looked at the blonde for a moment, trying to gauge her mood.

"Quinn, I believe it is important that we do this. Sooner than later."

The former Cheerios captain studied her old friend. "Fine." She then conceded and rolled her eyes.

Rachel looked between the two women. "I have no idea what you just agreed on, but don't underestimate her injuries, Santana." Then she turned to Quinn. "And you shouldn't overexert yourself. A concussion is serious.

Quinn's hands moved through the air while she said the words out loud for Santana's benefit. "I know, Rachel. Let's just see what she has planned and then I can still decide to stay home. And let's get you through this interview first. That is more important."

"Yes, that…" Rachel breathed and her voice trailed off.

"Ok you two lovebirds, I've gotta go. So, we'll meet here tomorrow and then drive to the hotel together, ok?" she asked Rachel.

"Sure."

The Sheraton was not far from Quinn's apartment and depending on the weather they might even be able to walk there.

Santana nodded and went to her room to gather her belongings, and then she moved towards the entrance to grab her jacket.

"See you guys later," she waved and slipped out.

"I'll quickly ask Carmen if she is available tomorrow to help with the interpretation."

Quinn nodded while Rachel plucked her phone from her bag and typed a quick message to her teacher, apologizing for bothering her on a Saturday.

Carmen had originally planned to be away on that weekend, but had canceled her trip. So she was free and agreed to help Rachel.

"Good, all set. Let the show begin," Rachel exclaimed bravely after sending her thanks back to her teacher.

"Come here," Quinn whispered with a little motion of her head and pulled Rachel closer.

The brunette willingly stepped nearer and let her eyes rest on Quinn's lips which curved up in a small smile.

The blonde used her right hand to sign the next words _. Glad you came_. And she pressed a soft kiss on Rachel's lips.

"Mmmhhh, me too."

They continued kissing and Rachel slid a hand under Quinn's hair, softly caressing the smooth skin at the nape of her neck.

Quinn felt like her heart was continuing to heal little by little with every touch from Rachel. And Rachel dared to open her heart more and more to let her love for the other woman pour out and she hoped they would continue to heal together.

... … …

The two women spent the day snuggled up on the couch watching movies. After lunch Quinn suggested boldly that she wanted to go out for a walk. The sky was blue and the sun was out. The weather beckoned indeed for a little stroll outside.

They bundled up in warm clothes and slowly made their way outside. Except for the car ride home the other day this was the first time in five days that Quinn felt some fresh air. She closed her eye and inhaled deeply, letting the sun caress her features.

She felt Rachel take her gloved hand and found the full lips smiling at her, and she loved the way the sunlight always gave the dark brown of Rachel's eyes that warm mahogany shade. Sometimes it even looked like dark cherry wood. She could get lost in those eyes.

"You ok?" Rachel's soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

She nodded and tucked the brunette along. It felt good to keep moving. Her ribs still smarted but her left arm was only a dull pain that she could easily ignore for a while. The headache had also lessened considerable. She felt invigorated by the clean and crisp air and the sun on her skin.

The walked through the park and it looked like the sky had spread a million little diamonds across the lawn and trees. The sun sparkled in the snow and gave off a wonderful play of light.

Quinn felt Rachel tug at her hand and stopped to look at the other woman.

"I have missed you so much!" She hugged Quinn lightly.

_I have missed you too, Rachel. I'm glad you didn't give up…on us or yourself._

"And I'm grateful that you didn't push me away."

_We are all entitled to make mistakes,_ Quinn smiled wistfully.

"Hm." Rachel turned and they started walking again. "I have read some of your letters, Quinn."

_You have?_

"Yes." Rachel chuckled. "I knew you were quite eloquent, but I was not aware you were that poetic."

_I've got many hidden talents._

"That's definitely true," Rachel answered thinking of what Quinn's tongue was capable of doing.

_When did you read them?_

"When I went home yesterday." She scuffed at a little snow pile on the ground with her foot. "I read the one where you described your visit to my musical and how you hid behind a tree when I came to see you at Yale after you hadn't talked to me for months."

Quinn noticed the pain in Rachel's eyes and reached out to tilt her head up from where she was looking at the ground.

_I never want to hide from you again, Rachel. Even then it broke my heart and I never thought I could heal again. And now…_

"I broke it all over," Rachel stated flatly.

Quinn vehemently shook her head. _No. Well, yes, it hurt a lot what you said and did. But we have talked about that and we are moving on, ok?_ Rachel nodded slowly, still not looking Quinn in the eye, letting her gaze rest on her hands.

She was glad that Quinn wore light colored gloves that were a good contrast against the dark coat, which made it easy to see the signs.

_What I was going to say was that we both have made our share of mistakes. But if none of us had the gift of forgiveness, then we would not be here now. And I'd much rather live life to the fullest and make mistakes and learn from them than always hide in fear and false pretense._

"But why is learning always connected to pain and difficulties? Why can't it just be easy?"

Quinn chuckled. _I guess the easy things still give us learnings, but we don't see them as such, because they are fun to do and to experience. Maybe we should just shift our focus a little._

"Yeah, you might be right." The reached a bench where another couple had just left and they sat down.

Rachel remembered one of the scribbles on a napkin about the things Quinn loved about her. She told Quinn about it, signing along now that she had not wrapped her arm around Quinn's waist anymore and the blonde laughed.

_I remember that one. Wait!_ She closed her eyes and recalled her own words, forming them into their air in front of her with her hands.

_I love those eyes with the long silky lashes, the color that takes on a slightly golden brown tint whenever the light shines into them at a certain angle – just like now – your hair, so soft and wavy if not tamed it by a hair dryer and brush and then those lips! So full and soft, just begging me to kiss them every time I see them._

Quinn opened her eyes again and smiled broadly.

"You forgot about my ears." Rachel reminded her. "There was also something written about my delicate ears."

"Ah yes." And the blonde continued signing. _Your ears, the delicate soft shells that…_ She broke off and reached out, gently touching Rachel's earlobe.

"You can say the rest," Rachel gently nudged her.

Quinn took a deep breath. _…that hold the perfect hearing for a perfect pitch._ She crooked her head and studied her girlfriend.

Rachel picked up the blonde's hands and kissed them once. "Maybe I'll frame that piece of napkin. You know, once you'll be very famous I can make a lot of money with it. Just like Boyce did with his piece of buttered paper. I still don't understand how this could be declared as art." She shook her head.

"Thank you for all your wonderful words, Quinn. And for writing down why you had to find me. I read that letter, too."

Quinn recalled that night at the theater where she saw someone in the audience that had reminded her of Rachel and that had set so many emotions in motion, tearing down the walls she had erected around her heart to hide from the truth.

" _Funny how history seems to be repeating with us, don't you think? My accident, then yours, our two brilliant minds that sometimes let us act so irrationally, the way we always find back to each other, supporting each other in times we need it most."_

"Yes, and I'm kinda glad that you already had your brush with a disability, otherwise I would be really worried you'd try that as well."

Quinn laughed. _Well, yes, good thing that this is behind me, you're right._

"I'm getting a little cold, let's get back and grab a coffee on the way, ok? My treat!"

_Sure_. Quinn stood up and held out her hand. Rachel grabbed it and stood up, using the momentum to lock her lips with Quinn's to share another passionate kiss before they sought out the warmth of a coffee shop.

They wondered briefly what Santana had in stock for Quinn this weekend but came up empty. They would just have to wait and see.

Back at the apartment, both cuddled under a blanket to warm their frozen limbs. The sun had been nice, but it did not radiate enough warmth to ward off the biting cold. Rachel prepared some hot cocoa and they finished the movie they had started earlier.

Despite the excursion Quinn felt good and not very tired. She wondered if the boost of happiness she felt around Rachel also spurted her healing.

In the early evening, around six Rachel had to get ready for a dinner date with Lauren and Max that they had agreed on already a few days ago. She was quite reluctant to leave the nice and warm cuddly place on Quinn's side and out of the spur of the moment she asked her:

"Do you want to come and have dinner with us? We are meeting not far from here."

Quinn thought about the suggestion a moment. She felt ok and the outing of the afternoon had shown to her that she was ready to see something else then her four walls. Boldly she agreed, hoping she did not strain herself too much.


	60. Chapter 60

**Wow. Longest chapter ever.**

**Oh, just in case you have forgotten, I don't own Glee. If I did, it would look a whole lot different than the show we are watching, believe me…**

**Anyway, there you go! Hope you like this one!**

* * *

**Chapter 60**

When getting ready to go out to meet Lauren and Max for dinner, Rachel asked Quinn several times if she really felt like coming along. She could have cursed herself of having asked her if she wanted to join them. Not that she didn't want Quinn with her, but because she didn't want the blonde to exhaust herself.

On the way to the restaurant Rachel said: "I feel a little bad to have overreacted so much when Santana suggested for you to go out Sunday night. Here _I am_ dragging you around town twice in one day! First on a walk through the park and now to meet my friends."

Quinn chuckled.

_Don't worry. I'll tell you if it is too much for me and then you can just carry me,_ the blonde joked which earned her a laugh from Rachel.

"Sure, no problem." The brunette countered courteously and held out her arms. Quinn grabbed one hand and pushed it down.

_I'm good for now,_ she smiled while signing. _And as I have mentioned before, I would love to meet Lauren and her boyfriend._

Rachel squeezed her hand gratefully. "Sure that you are ok?"

Quinn nodded. _I'm sick of being inside all the time. The pain killers also help_. _It feels good to be moving a bit. Even if it is very slowly._

Rachel threw her another worried glance, but didn't say anything further.

When they reached their destination, Rachel held the door open for the blonde. Inside, they noticed that Lauren and Max were already seated.

Lauren was positively surprised to see Quinn as well.

Rachel had talked to her over Skype two days ago and had told her the whole story about the blonde's hospital stay and how they had somehow managed to work their way through all of what had happened.

"Hello Quinn, good to see you. I hope you're doing ok," Lauren greeted the blonde aloud while signing and gave the singer a light hug.

_Thank you._ Quinn answered. _I hope I'm not intruding. I was just happy to get out of the house for a change. And I thought it was a nice idea to meet you again. And,_ she gestured towards Max, _your boyfriend._

"Max, this is Quinn, Quinn, this is Max," Rachel introduced the two singing and talking. The two briefly shook hands and exchanged the usual pleasantries while sitting down.

The blonde gingerly lowered herself onto the chair under the watchful gaze of her girlfriend. Quinn wondered briefly if she had been to bold to go out so shortly after her stay at the hospital. But she couldn't stand to see those four walls of her apartment anymore. She had been staring at them way too much even before her fall. She had longed for some normal social life again; she had hardly dared to hope that it was really happening so soon.

So let her be damned if some bruised ribs and a headache got the better of her. Hell, she had performed at Nationals while still healing from her car accident. She had performed at another National Championship literally minutes before giving birth to Beth. Having dinner with friends now while healing from a few bruises was nothing in comparison. It was nothing but bliss while she had Rachel by her side.

Smiling she rubbed her right hand over the brunette's thigh under the table. Rachel answered by gently laying her hand on hers.

Max asked Quinn about her show and she told him what it was about. He wanted to listen to the music and Rachel bravely told him that he should go ahead and that the music was beautiful.

Lauren noticed the spark of sadness in her friend's eyes, but other than that she seemed to be fine.

While Max and Quinn where continuing to discuss the show and what Max was doing as a profession, Lauren asked Rachel just signing:

_So, how are you? Really, I mean._

Rachel chuckled. _Nothing has changed, since you and I talked the other day. I'm … good. Still somewhat surprised how fast a life can take turns, but I'm quite relieved and happy and hopeful. I think we are getting there._

_And how are you coping with all the rest of the issues we talked about?_ Lauren was interested in the details.

_The music, you mean?_

The black haired woman nodded.

_That has also taken quite an interesting turn,_ Rachel smiled and told her about Kayla and her friend's idea.

Lauren loved it.

_This sounds really great, Rachel! I'm sure the kids will love it! And it might give you also a different view on the whole topic._

_Yes, I think so,_ Rachel let out a long breath. _We'll see. First I have to talk to Helena and Kayla._

_Helena? Do you know the school she teaches at? Could be that I know her from the classes I took at the School for the Deaf. She did not teach adults, but it could be I met her once or twice. Anyway, if it is her, she is really nice and I'm sure you two will work something out together. She is always open to new ideas._

_Well, I figured,_ Rachel answered dryly, thinking that you really had to be adventurous to plan something like taking a whole school class of deaf kids to a musical.

Lauren laughed and Rachel joined her.

… … …

The four of them had a pleasant evening and Quinn seemed to fit right in. When she was telling a little anecdote from one of her rehearsals, Rachel leaned back in her chair and watched the scene. Quinn was beautiful and charming and she had the full attention of her listeners. Some of the neighboring tables looked over once or twice and a few people seemed to recognize her, but she did not seem disturbed by that and kept her attention fully on Max and Lauren.

That was what made her so unique, what gave everybody the feeling to be special when being around Quinn. She always tried to give you her full attention, no matter what was going on around her and no matter to whom she was talking to.

Rachel gently laid a hand on the back of Quinn's chair and rubbed little circles on the other woman's back. This drew a small smile form the blonde. When she finished her story, she turned a little and the look she gave Rachel let the brunette forget everything around her.

While Max was talking to his girlfriend about whether to get a dessert or notQuinn signed: _Thank you for taking me with you. I'm really enjoying the evening_. _It's great to get to know these two a little better and I can see why you like them so much. I really appreciate it that you wanted to share this with me._

Rachel reached out and tucked a stray blonde strand behind Quinn's right ear and nodded.

"This was important to me and I'm glad you understood." She said aloud.

Little did they know that Quinn soon would get a lesson in understanding from one of their friends that she had not imagined.

As Lauren and Max still could not decide over what dessert to choose, Quinn suggested to have coffee and ice cream for dessert at her place, because she felt the fatigue set in and Rachel was adamant that the went home so the blonde could rest. However, that did not deter the singer to invite Max and Lauren to join them.

The two friends agreed and together they made their way home, adapting to Quinn's slower pace and joking about her walking like a grandma, which the blonde tolerated good humoredly.

… … …

They settled on the couch and the comfortable lounge chairs as they sipped their coffee and enjoyed their ice cream.

Santana soon joined them when she got home. She squeezed on the couch next to Rachel after introducing herself to the two guests. She was surprised about the visit, but when she saw how relaxed and happy Quinn and Rachel looked, she figured that it was a good thing they had invited friends over.

Since it was Saturday the next day, none of them was in a hurry to get into bed, until the Latina reminded Rachel of her interview the next morning.

_Wow, you're doing an interview?_ Max reassured himself. _With whom?_

Rachel saw his pure astonishment written across his face. She hastened to explain.

_A freelancer who works for ._

_Sounds important_. _I thought you weren't singing anymore,_ he stated a little confused at hearing the publisher's name and Lauren elbowed him in his side.

_What?_ He looked innocently at her.

Lauren looked like she couldn't believe what her boyfriend had just said. _Can't you be a little more subtle?_

_Apparently not if I don't know what the problem is._

Rachel sensed a small fight breaking out and spread her hands.

_Guys,_ she waved. _Guys, it's ok, really._ And she explained the situation to them and why she was going to do the interview.

After hearing what went on with Rachel's former manager, Max sighed. _And here I thought my life was eventful._ And since he drew a really droopy face, everyone else had to laugh, which eased the tension in the room.

"Nah, nothing like a good drama queen like Rachel Berry to spice up her own life," Santana threw in while Quinn interpreted.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "It's not like I asked for it, Santana," she answered.

"Right, you didn't and that is why we will make sure this interview will be the best you have ever given."

Rachel looked doubtful, but didn't say anything.

_Go girl, you show that woman what you are made of. After everything you've gone through, this should be an easy ride,_ Lauren signed encouragingly.

Quinn squeezed Rachel's hand.

"What'd she say?" Santana asked Quinn and Rachel, pointing at Lauren.

The black haired woman caught the hint and repeated her words out loud, adding "Sorry, sometimes I forget to speak up, if everybody else knows how to sign."

"Well, getting there, veeeeeery slowly, but I'm getting there," Santana mumbled looking at her hands. Her comment made everyone else laugh and Rachel squeezed the Latina's fingers in a sign of gratitude that she was still trying and learning.

They changed the topic and Max told them about an upcoming tournament at school with his basketball kids to which he invited everybody and they agreed to go. Even Santana did not decline, deciding that if she already had one deaf friend, she might as well add Rachel's friends to her circle. Might as well put her hard work of learning ASL to good use.

Besides, she liked Max and Lauren. They were easy to talk to, funny and relaxed. They patiently overlooked Santana's every stumble across unfamiliar signs and adjusted their speed and choice of words to her level of understanding. She appreciated the little gesture and noticed how Rachel also threw them a grateful smile at including the Latina in their conversation. Lauren spoke out loud as well whenever she had something to say, though Max did not feel too comfortable, so either Lauren or Quinn interpreted for Santana.

Everybody was positively surprised how comfortable and easy going the whole evening had been. Even integrating the hearing people into the conversations had not been a problem and vice versa. It seemed just… normal. It had just all … happened. Without planning, without discussing everybody had adjusted naturally to the needs of the others and that was what had made the evening so pleasant.

When finally calling it a night around twelve, Lauren and Max left and they all decided to have dinner again soon.

Rachel realized that sometimes you just had to give people a chance to be themselves and things worked out much smoother than trying to control everything with your own assumptions and prejudices.

With a relieved and happy sigh she turned from the door and almost bumped into Quinn who stood press behind her.

The blonde used the momentum to let her lips crash against Rachel's and before long the tip of her tongue begged for entry.

"Uh, guys?"

Quinn pulled back with a sigh while Rachel let out a small sound of protest.

"Santana, that takes on stalking qualities! Are you getting turned on by watching us?" Quinn asked a little annoyed without turning around.

"Hey, it's not my fault if you keep making out in front of me," the Latina retorted with a shrug.

"Oh, get a grip. What do you want?" This time Quinn turned her head and arched a telltale eyebrow.

"Did she watch us again?" Rachel asked, oblivious of the small exchange.

Quinn nodded and the brunette added her own comment.

"Stalker."

The Latina rolled her eyes. "Really. You two do belong together. You even _think_ alike.

Quinn signed for Rachel and explained Santana's comment. Then both looked at each other and shrugged in unison, grinning.

"Ok, Beringer and Wells, tomorrow. At nine. Sharp. Here." And she pointed at Rachel. Quinn helped out again signing.

"Yes, I'll be here on time." The brunette waved while Santana disappeared into her room.

Quinn stepped back a little to have more room for her hands.

_Are you leaving?_

"Yes, it's late and you need to rest."

_But… why don't you stay here?_

"Quinn, you need to sleep and I don't want to accidently hurt you during the night." She pointed at the blonde's ribs.

"Quinn, tell her that's bull and for god's sake get that woman into your bed!" Santana shouted on her way into the bathroom.

"What'd she say?"

Quinn repeated Santana's words and then added: _You know, when she's right she's right. You're staying._

"But…"

Quinn ignored the protest, grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her gently towards her room.

The brunette followed unwillingly at first, but in order to not hurt Quinn by jerking back her arm, she ordered her feet to move behind the blonde.

As if Quinn had felt the argument coming up, she signed: _It's after twelve and until you're home and then back again tomorrow, you hardly won't have time to sleep. I'll be fine._ She looked at Rachel, her head tilted slightly to the side. _Will you? Be fine, I mean?_

Rachel looked at the gorgeous face in front of her with the hopeful spark in the hazel eyes.

Who could resist? She damn well couldn't. She had known it the moment Quinn suggested for her to stay.

"Yes." Rachel agreed shyly.

Quinn reached under her chin and lifted her head so she could look into those brown eyes.

_Don't be afraid, Rachel. We will be fine. And if you feel better about my ribs, we can place a small pillow against them that should you unconsciously move against me, it won't hurt._

"Ok." She answered, still feeling shy as if it was the first time she was going to bed with a lover. And she knew this wasn't about sex. This was just about lying together after two long weeks. Two fucking hard, long and wasted weeks.

Rachel sighed.

"Sorry, don't know what came over me. Guess we have to learn to get closer again on every level.

_Right. Why not start with cuddling up under the blankets, falling asleep and waking up together?_

"Yes, that sounds good," Rachel smiled and Quinn went to grab one of the brunette's PJs that were stashed in the dresser.

_You go first into the bathroom. I need a little time to get undressed._

"You need help?" Under other circumstances Rachel would have sidled up against Quinn asking the same question, but with a much huskier voice, already fiddling with the buttons of the blonde's blouse. But as it were she refrained from the intimate gesture.

_No, I try myself at being independent,_ Quinn joked and grimaced, thinking that she would have loved for Rachel to help her undress again. And not in the practical, but more in the… sensual sense. But something held her back.

They were taking it slow, right.

In the hallway Santana crossed Rachel's path on her way back into her room after finishing her night time ablutions. The Latina stopped and then hugged the smaller woman with a warm smile. Rachel leaned into the embrace and Santana pressed her a little closer.

The taller woman smiled when she realized how much more physical contact she had with Rachel now because it sometimes showed more than a thousand words. She had never been a hugger, but Rachel had a certain 'hugging quality' that always felt good.

Due to the circumstances Santana knew it was the right thing to do and even just being friends, it felt good to hold the petite woman in her arms and give her support and show her that she loved her – on a platonic level.

_Welcome back,_ she then signed and turned with a satisfied grin when she saw the grateful smile quirk Rachel's lips.

Later in bed, Rachel carefully placed a hand on Quinn's stomach. The brunette lay on her left side while Quinn was on her back. That was the only position at night that was almost pain free.

"That ok?" Rachel asked, feeling the small protective pillow against her own chest.

Quinn nodded and sneaked her arm around the cushion. This way she could feel Rachel and placed her hand against her girlfriend's hip.

_Thank you for the wonderful evening. And for staying here,_ she then signed.

_Thank you for wanting me here,_ Rachel replied in the same manner, still trying to digest that she was really lying next to Quinn in the same bed again.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself tonight. And I'm happy that this was such a relaxed evening."

Quinn turned her head and dropped a kiss on the brunette's head who had snuggled up against her shoulder.

"I love you," the blonde whispered and let her fingers form the universal sign with her thumb, index finger and pinky extended.

Feeling Quinn's breath on her hair, and seeing her hand motion, Rachel mirrored the movement and touched her fingers against the blonde's.

This way, both women fell asleep.

… … …

When Rachel woke up the next morning, she had to orient herself for a second. As soon as her gaze fell upon tousled blonde hair, she knew where she was and a smile lit up her face. She placed a gentle kiss on the soft lips and murmured in between caresses with her lips:

"Good."

Kiss.

"Morning."

Kiss.

"Sweet."

Kiss.

That caused Quinn's chest to vibrate in a response and Rachel fixed her eyes on the other woman's lips to catch the mumbled "Morning. More!" and the pursed lips told her everything.

God, how she had missed waking up next to Quinn, to kiss her, to feel her and for her to be the first thing she saw.

Quinn smiled with her eyes still closed and inhaled the scent she so connected with Rachel. This was bliss. Pure bliss to wake up and feel her body next to her, her lips on her own, to hear that voice caress her ears. This voice! She had missed it so much, missed so much the whispered love confessions.

Opening her eyes she met the brown ones only inches away from her.

Just when they wanted to kiss each other again, the door flew open and Santana walked in, carrying two coffee mugs.

Quinn's head jerked around and Rachel's jerked up.

"That does it, Santana! Can't you even knock?" Quinn asked angrily.

Santana cleared her throat and placed the cups on the night stand.

"I did knock twice, but while you two where making out; you didn't hear me, apparently. And since it is already a quarter to nine, I figured I'd wake you two up. We have an interview to go to."

"Shit! Is it that late already?" Quinn grabbed the alarm clock off her night stand and groaned.

Rachel threw a look on the two hands. "Damn. Is it that late already?" She unknowingly repeated the same question.

Santana nodded trying to shoo them out of bed.

"Good that you have me to get your lives organized, otherwise you'd probably be late for you own funeral in fifty years."

"Gee thanks, I was planning to live a liiiiiittle longer than that, Satan." Quinn quipped while she took stock of her body.

Legs, check.

Taking deep breaths – half check. Still hurt, but not as much. Good.

Left arm. Check. Went shoulder high. Good.

Right arm. Check. Could touch the top of her head. Combing would work again, yay!

Slowly, the blonde stood up, following Rachel out of bed.

Rachel watched her and laughed a little. "Are you checking your inventory?" She spoke out loud and signed along, which had become a habit now and Quinn had to admit that she loved seeing the slender hands form the signs.

Quinn nodded. _Yes. All working. More or less._ She smiled and stole a kiss from her girlfriend's lips. Then she gave her a small slap on her well-toned behind.

They took a shower and Rachel helped Quinn getting dressed. The blonde chose a pair of jeans and a gray woolen turtleneck sweater. It was impressive how fast she seemed to heal because she managed getting her clothes on mostly by herself.

_Now you have to get dressed, come on._ The blonde reminded Rachel after the brunette stole another kiss from her.

"Damn, I don't have any clean clothes with me." Rachel muttered.

Quinn pulled her to the closet. _You still have some stashed here, remember?_

"Oh, right. Let's see…." How could she forget? Of course she still had some stuff here, same as Quinn had things at her place. They had not gotten around to exchanging them. And a good thing it was, too.

Rachel pulled out a pair of black jeans and a gray blouse with a black ornamental pattern. She had to pull the blouse over her head as it just had two pearl buttons in the front at the neckline with revealed some of her cleavage, but not too much. The arms were widely cut and came together at the cuffs. At the bottom a waistband hugged the garment close to the brunette's hips and caused the fabric fall loosely above it. It was comfortable, looked elegant and professional, though not over the top.

Just perfect for the occasion.

_You look great!_ Quinn signed, admiring her girlfriend. _Breakfast and then let's go. I'm sure Santana is already waiting impatiently for us._

Despite Rachel's repeated protests, the blonde still insisted on coming along.

"Listen, I will only allow you to come with me if we will come straight back afterwards and you will then take a rest." She looked sternly at Quinn.

_Yes, nurse._ The singer nodded dutifully. _But come I will!_ She added poetically _._

Rachel smiled and studied Quinn for a moment.

"Quinn, do you know what you are doing?"

_No, what?_ The blonde looked confused.

"You are being overprotective." Rachel stated gently.

Quinn opened her mouth and closed it again. Before she could say anything, Rachel continued.

"You are still hurting, you shouldn't be moving around so much. It was already too much taking you to dinner yesterday. I saw how tired you were in the end and how you tried to rest your hands. Why didn't you say anything? Why did you invite Lauren and Max back home? It would have been ok to call it a night after we finished dinner at the restaurant."

Quinn took a deep breath.

_I had fun and I was sick of my own thoughts. Having dinner with you and your friends was a very welcome distraction. That's why I asked them to come up for coffee. I hope I didn't overstepping any boundaries regarding your friends._

"No, you didn't. It was absolutely ok to invite them, despite you still needing to heal. This is not about Lauren or Max, it is about you. So what kinds of thoughts were bothering you?"

Quinn licked her lips and looked out of the window. Then she turned back to Rachel.

_I kept going over the last days in Lima over and over again trying to figure out what I had done, what I had overlooked, where I had been inconsiderate… I couldn't rest, I felt so horrible, so alone, so shocked, so hopeless. Even the past days, when we were together, talking and discussing things I still felt this restraint in you, in me. There is always this insecurity between us. It's hard never quite knowing what will happen next and where it will lead us._

She rested her hands for a moment and massaged her left arm. Rachel got up and grabbed a pad and pen from her bag and held it out to Quinn. With a remorseful look from under her lashes Quinn reached out and took it.

She wrote down her next thoughts.

_And during dinner, it was just as if something had dissolved. It felt normal again between us. It was great to get to know your friends and that you wanted to share this part with me. I really had fun and I like Max and Lauren. And it all seemed so natural, the conversations we had, the way we all interacted. The way we touched._

Rachel looked up from the words and saw the desire in the hazel eyes in front of her. She was sure her eyes were casting off the same aura.

The brunette nodded her understanding. Rachel had felt the same that evening. It had almost felt like _before_. She had been truly relaxed, as if she had finally managed to find a way back to be herself. She felt centered again.

The brunette bent forward and cupped Quinn's face, placing a tender kiss on her lips.

"I know what you mean."

She kissed her again.

"But don't you think you should stay at home this morning?"

The blonde shook her head. _No. I'm ok and I want to come. Unless you don't want me to._

"No, I'd like you to come, but consider what this could mean for you. The reporter might find out about us. And I have no idea what he will do with the information."

_I'm fine with that, as long as you are._

Rachel nodded. Then a small smile spread across her face. "So. _Official_ public appearance, huh?"

Quinn chuckled. _Yes_.

"Good!" Rachel smiled.

They quickly sipped their now lukewarm coffee and joined Santana in the kitchen who had already prepared some toasts.

"Oh, breakfast, thanks!" Rachel was surprised by the Latina's foresight.

"Swallow that food and let's go, you lazy asses. Can't believe you almost slept through your own interview," Santana shook her head in mock disbelieve after having written down the same sentence for Rachel to read.

Glancing at the kitchen clock the two women noticed that it was nine thirty already.

Hastily they each grabbed a slice before all three hurried out of the apartment to catch a cab.

… … …

The way to the hotel was easy as the usual commuter traffic was lighter on the weekend. They arrived ten minutes to ten and took a seat in the lobby to wait for the reporter.

Rachel scanned the lobby, but did not see him, neither did Santana. They sat down to the side of the entrance to wait for him.

Rachel glanced around again and watched the people buzzing around. Again it hit her how much the sounds had given off information about the locations. Information she now had to get through her eyes and other means.

She imagined the murmured voices from the reception desk drifting over to them. She evoked the sound of the small girl's running feet on the tile floor who crossed the entrance hall. Then Rachel glanced up to get a feeling of the measurements of the whole structure to get an idea of how the sound would carry.

Leaning over she asked Quinn in a low voice about her musings. Quinn looked around and tried to capture the various sounds and their volume in order to describe them adequately to Rachel, when Carmen approached them.

They each greeted her warmly with a hug.

"Hello Carmen. Good to see you. Thank you for coming to help out, especially on a Saturday." Rachel thanked her.

"You're welcome, Rachel. I didn't have any other plans, so I'm glad to help." She said out loud and signed, while taking a seat. "I just hope this will work out a little better than the last meeting I interpreted for you," she commented.

"Yeah, let's hope so," Rachel answered, remembering the meeting with Sharon. That was one reason why she wanted Carmen to be with her and not an interpreter she did not know. Carmen was familiar with the whole story and somehow that made Rachel feel more comfortable.

… … …

Patrick Remmond entered the hotel. Standing in the large lobby he let his eyes roam around the place, until he finally spotted his interview partner in the corner. He recognized Rachel Berry immediately, as well as her friend, the one with the attitude. What surprised him was the blonde he saw sitting with them.

Quinn Fabray.

That was interesting. Maybe a coincidence? No, it didn't look like it, not the way they talked and interacted with each other. There was in intimacy between them that seemed to go beyond a normal friendship.

The fourth person he did not know. It was a black haired woman in her early forties. Maybe the friend's mother? They looked a little alike, but then again, no, that didn't fit. After watching them a moment longer without being detected, he figured that she must be the interpreter, the way she acted.

He had learned early enough that you could learn a lot about people if you just watched them, especially in situations like these. Sometimes he would pretend to be late, just to be able to get a first impression without the interruptions of a conversation going on. After a moment longer Patrick decided that he had watched enough and walked up to the little group to re-introduce himself.

When greeting the reporter and seeing his astonished look, Quinn explained that she was only there as moral support for Rachel and that nothing she would say or do was supposed to appear in the interview.

Patrick nodded his understanding and invited the group up to the junior suite he was allowed to use in the name of his biggest business partner .

They settled on the large couch in the living room. Patrick had ordered some soft drinks which were delivered promptly.

After providing everyone with their drinks, he sat down next to Rachel. Carmen promptly asked him to switch seats and sit around the bend next to herself. She explained that this way Rachel could watch him and see her hands in parallel while interpreting.

Quinn had watched the whole scene quietly. She placed her hand on Rachel's small of her back and felt the brunette relax ever so slightly, appreciating her nearness and support.

Santana had settled down in the chair across from Rachel. This way she could watch the reporter and keep an eye on her friend to see if anything was making her uncomfortable. So far, the journalist seemed friendly and professional, but you never knew.

"Ok, do you mind if I tape the interview and take some pictures of you in between or at the end, Ms. Berry?" He asked and looked at Rachel. Her eyes quickly darted to his right, where Carmen Rodalba moved her hands in front of her body, relaying his question to Rachel.

Rachel shook her head. "No, that's fine." Her own hands moved along with her words. She felt more secure that way. It gave her an echo of what she was saying.

"Good. Thank you for agreeing to come. As mentioned before, nothing that we discuss here will be printed before I have your consent. Under the light of the circumstances with Sharon Basont wanting to publish an article about you herself, I will get this ready as soon as we finish. Then so you can read over it tonight and discuss the changes with me – if there are any. This way we might even manage to get in online on Sunday."

Rachel waited until Carmen had finished signing and nodded. "Good. That's ok with me."

Santana leaned forward. "Just to make sure again. Everything that is said here in this room stays here until we give approval for it to be printed."

The reporter nodded. "That's what we agreed on."

Santana pulled out two print outs of a pre-written contract which she had received from Rachel. It was a contract layout the former singer had used before when doing interviews.

Patrick Remmond began with summarizing Rachel's achievements, starting with her studies at NYADA, winning the Carmen Thibideaux showcase as the first freshman in the history of the school, continuing with the various on-school and off-school projects until her role in _A Tale To Tell_ and then finally mentioning her greatest triumph in the lead role of _Funny Girl_.

Rachel nodded in between. He had done his homework, she granted him that.

So far, that was the easy part. Now he was getting to the more sensitive questions, she was sure.

"How was it for you when you woke up after your accident and noticed that you couldn't hear anything?"

Rachel hesitated for a second before answering. Quinn was short of shouting objection because of the very personal nature of the question, but the brunette shot her a short look and shook her head slightly with a smile.

Then she went on describing her first days, the devastation, the shock, the realization and how she somehow had tried to adapt in the weeks and months that followed. She told him about the ASL lessons she took up and mentioned Carmen to be her teacher.

Patrick wanted to know if it was ok to ask Carmen a question and Rachel shrugged, implying that he would have to check with her if she wanted to answer.

Carmen conceded, shortly describing how she met Rachel for the first time and how the lessons where set-up in answer to the young man's question.

"So this does not only contain teaching ASL, but also teaching your pupils living skills?"

"Yes, to a certain degree. My main focus is teaching ASL. In other schools this might be done by different teachers, but I qualified for both. I can adapt the lessons to the individual and this makes it easier in the setting of the community center, because there are not many - or no -other teachers for the deaf."

Patrick was silent for a moment.

"It's hard for me to imagine, but what do you have to learn, besides sign language. Please excuse my ignorance."

Rachel answered him. "It is very disorienting at first, when you can't hear anything. We usually rely a lot on our hearing to scan our surroundings. Often this happens on a subconscious level. Once this source is taken away, you have to learn to compensate. Carmen taught me a lot about how to perceive certain sounds through vibrations, for example. Not only in a room, but also outside in the streets. But of course it will never make up for the actual sounds. And I have learned a lot more about body language and facial expressions and how to read them," Rachel explained.

"And are you completely deaf or can you still hear something?"

"No. I can't perceive any sound at all." Rachel answered quietly.

Quinn reached over and squeezed her hand. Patrick looked at the brunette again and tried to gauge how she must be feeling.

"Have you ever had the feeling that you couldn't go on, that what you had lost was just too much to bear?"

"Sorry, but this question is off limits, Mr. Remmond," Santana cut in.

He nodded. "I didn't mean any disrespect. I just try to understand."

"It's ok Santana." Rachel turned from her friend to the reporter after Carmen clarified the situation for her. As Santana was a little outside her line of vision when she concentrated on the reporter, she had not noticed that Santana said something. Only when Patrick Remmond moved to look at the Latina and Carmen explained to her what she was saying, Rachel realized that the Latina had interrupted the reporter.

"I will answer your question, but this will not make it into the print version."

"That is absolutely ok."

Rachel took a breath. "Yes, there was a point when I considered ending my life. Or what was left of it. My life had already ended with that accident. I had lost everything I ever dreamed of, I ever wanted. But…something held me back. Something told me I should at least try to go on." She quickly cast a glance at Quinn. "I'm glad I did," she added with a small smile.

Patrick felt intrigued by the subtle hint.

"Did you two get to know each other during a show?" He asked, pointing between Quinn and Rachel.

"No. We know each other from high school. We were in the show choir together."

"Oh, so you go back quite a long time!"

"Yes…"

Patrick looked between them. "Do I sense a 'but' here? He prompted.

Quinn simply stated that they lost contact in college for a while before they met again by chance in New York.

"Was this before or after the accident?"

"After," Rachel stated simply.

She looked at Quinn. Both were not sure if they liked the direction this was going. Did Rachel want to talk about the details of their relationship? Did Quinn want that?

Rachel turned and faced Quinn, shielding her hands a little from the reporters probing eyes. Not that he would have understood anything, but she wanted this conversation to be private.

_Do you want him to know about us? About how we met?_

Quinn looked into the brown eyes in front of her. _I don't mind. If you want to tell him, then I'll be ok with it._

_Well, we are not just telling him, but the rest of New York if we decide to let him print it._

_Right. Still, whatever you are comfortable with._

_Ok. For me it would be ok to tell._

Quinn nodded. _Then go ahead._ And she placed a hand on Rachel's knee encouragingly.

The brunette turned back to Patrick.

"We met at the community center where I took lessons with Carmen. Quinn didn't know about my accident at that point."

"What happened when you noticed?" The reporter looked at Quinn.

"She acted very gracefully about it", Rachel cut in. "And she started taking up lessons with Carmen, as if… as if it was the most natural thing to do." The former singer squeezed Quinn's hand.

"Yes, that's right. I met her shortly in the hallway when she learned about Rachel's deafness. She came back later that day to set up a schedule with me to learn sign language. I was impressed how determined she was to learn to communicate with Rachel." Carmen added as an explanation after asking Rachel if it was ok to do so.

"Was it difficult to learn?" The guy looked between both women.

Rachel shrugged. "If you have no other choice, you are very determined to learn. Many signs symbolize natural gestures or meanings, but it is a great difference truly expressing yourself this way if you are learning it later in life. I can still talk, so it is easier for me to express myself, but for others, talking to me, I can imagine that it is more difficult and frustrating."

She looked at Quinn who took up the cue. "It was at the beginning. We had to use pen and paper a lot in the beginning, but at a certain point it becomes part of you and once you don't have to think about it as much anymore, it gets easier." She threw an encouraging look at Santana. "Besides, if you speak along, by reading lips and the signs you can get a good understanding of what is being said, even some of the subtleties."

"Did all your friends and family learn as well in order to communicate with you?"

A genuine smile spread across Rachel's face before answering that question. She looked from Quinn to Santana. "I have to say, I have the best friends in the world. The closest ones are all learning. And I'm deeply grateful for that gesture." She threw another smile in the direction of Santana who squirmed a little under the praise.

"Cut it Berry, or I'll start crying and you wouldn't want to live down the consequences," The Latina mumbled and Rachel and Quinn laughed out loud at that confession.

"We all struggled in the beginning, but now, the people closest to me, they can all communicate with me."

"That is great to hear," the young man acknowledged. His eyes skipped back between Carmen's or Rachel's hands and their faces when they signed.

"And some of them never let my deafness hold me back." Rachel added with an afterthought. This was delivered with a tell-tale glance at Santana, who lifted the corner of her mouth in a smirk. She knew what Rachel hinted at.

"How so?"

Rachel chuckled. "Oh, Santana dragged me to one of Quinn's shows one evening."

"You mean – you went to see a musical even though you couldn't hear?"

Rachel had known that the question would come up. They had discussed this upfront and while Santana had said that she would not have to answer, Rachel just thought the opposite. After all, this was what Sharon wanted to use against her, so this was her chance to set things straight.

"Yes. I didn't know where she was taking me at first, but when I realized it, I first thought I couldn't go through with it. But we went inside – through the backstage entrance - nevertheless. I figured that since I was already there, I might say hello to Quinn just as well. And then … she made me feel so welcome and didn't even stop acknowledging my presence during her performance that we stayed until the end."

"What did she do?" The reporter smiled when he caught on the mirth the women exuded thinking back to that particular evening.

Santana snorted and leaned forward, telling him about the flower, the kisses and the little sign language hints the singer had woven into her acting.

Patrick leaned back, impressed. That was really something. He would have never imagined a deaf person to visit a musical, but the other singer's gestures surprised him even more. He slightly cocked his head. These two women surprised him. The poise they possessed, the way they interacted with little glances, gestures and touches was fascinating to watch. As if there was an invisible bond that linked them together.

"So you had no idea where Ms. Lopez was taking you?"

"No. If she had told me, I would have refused to go from the beginning. In retrospect, I'm relieved that she didn't."

"Excuse the next question, but how come you also went to a concert then, not being able to hear? I'm just assuming this time no one dragged you there," he added, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Rachel shrugged and smiled at the intended joke. "No, I went voluntarily. I knew that it was an important event for Quinn. She didn't expect me to come for obvious reasons, don't get the wrong impression. But I just wanted to show her my support, wanted to let her know how proud I was of her to be part of something so special."

"I can imagine that it must have been extremely difficult for you. How did you cope?"

Rachel spread her arms and let out a breath. How could she explain? It would be much too difficult to summarize it in one sentence and she was not prone to go into every detail.

"Well, how difficult do you think it can be to go to a concert not being able to hear? Also, I went alone and I didn't have an interpreter with me. It was basically the first time I ventured out into the public all by myself. Santana," she pointed at her friend, "was only able to join me after the break." Rachel took a deep breath. "I was scared. Scared that people wanted to talk to me and I wouldn't be able to understand."

She paused for a second. "I met an old colleague."

Patrick gave Rachel a moment before he asked: "Did you communicate with her and if so, how?"

"I tried to read her lips. But that is very difficult and I'm still not very good at it. But my colleague was nice enough to keep the sentences short and to speak clearly. This way we managed a short conversation at least." Rachel kneaded her hands in her lap thinking back to the evening. She was still surprised at herself that she had actually worked up the courage to go.

"The concert itself, well, it was hard. I still remember Quinn's voice and I wish I could have heard her sing. I saw the audience's reactions, I knew the program and I saw some of the sheet music of her songs before so at least I had a rough idea of what was going on." She glanced at the blonde. "I loved watching Quinn sing, the whole performance, but of course I was missing the greatest part." She swallowed quickly. She would to break out into tears in front of the reporter. "But unlike the musical, here there was no "story" and acting accompanying the music, so it was even more difficult for me to understand what was going on."

Quinn's moving hands caught Rachel's attention. The blonde tried to take up the conversation to give Rachel some time to recover.

"I didn't know she was coming. It took me completely by surprise. It was the last thing I would have expected and during one of the songs I just spotted her sitting in the audience. It almost made my heart stop." Quinn smiled at the memory of seeing Rachel's face in the sea of bodies before her, the one person she had longed to see most but knew she most likely wouldn't. And then she had been there!

Quinn grabbed Rachel's hand and placed a small kiss on the back of it.

"And then she did it again, you know, acknowledge my presence. She signed along while singing the last song of the concert. I'm still in awe about that, Quinn," Rachel said turning to face the blonde.

Catching the questioning look of Patrick, Santana explained.

"The song was in German, so she basically had to translate the words in her head to be able get the corresponding English words and then she had to translate those further into signs. So Quinn was struggling with three languages while trying to stay in tune. That was really something. I mean, I'm learning ASL and I'm still struggling _a lot_ just talking and signing."

"Naaah, you're just doing fine, Santana," Rachel praised her. "And I'm really grateful that you are doing it."

Santana did not answer with a typical remark, being well aware that this would not be the time and place, so she just threw Rachel a look that said _yeah, don't mention it_.

A tap on her knee drew Rachel's attention back to Carmen. _He has another question._

"Sure."

"Sharon Basont."

"Yeeeesssss," Rachel dragged out her answer. She did not want to talk about her. This interview was not supposed to be about revenge or to shed some dark light over her former manager so she dreaded the question.

"Why is she so intent to defame you in public? She was your former manager, correct?"

Santana threw Rachel a questioning look, asking if she should interfere.

"Again, I will answer this question but nothing about her will be printed. Do we agree on that?"

"Yes." He nodded. "It's just for my better understanding. You know I heard through a reliable source she was planning a report on you and your faki…"

"Yes, Mr. Remmond, we know," The Latina interrupted him. He didn't need to get into the details they were already familiar with, but Rachel took up the thread herself.

"I honestly don't know why she thinks I'm faking. It might seem strange seeing me "participate" in events that are basically for hearing people, like visiting a musical – I met her backstage by chance there– or going to the concert, where I also ran into her. But as I have explained, I had other motives to be at those places and … it will probably not the last time that you'll see me at such… locations." Rachel looked into the hazel eyes next to her and saw the surprise reflected in them at the statement.

The reporter nodded. He remembered that he was surprised when he met Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray's concert and learned that she was deaf. But learning about Rachel's motives and her story, gave him a complete different understanding. He would make sure that the rest of the people out there would get it as well.

Patrick was curious as to what she perceived when she went to the concert. Rachel explained to him about the vibrations she could feel, especially if the whole orchestra was playing and not just single instruments. She explained about feeling different pitches, depending how intense the vibrations where and where they resonated in her body. Same when she placed a hand on Quinn's chest and throat, asking her to sing.

The reporter was quiet for a moment and took some written notes along with his recording. He noted down facial expressions, body language, anything that couldn't be picked up by the microphone. He was genuinely surprised and intrigued by the story that Rachel Berry told him. There was nothing that hinted at her playing a game. He couldn't fathom how someone like Sharon Basont didn't see the truthfulness about the former singer's story. Every look, gesture, interaction with her friends showed it.

Then a thought struck him.

"Have you … ever tried to sing again?"

Rachel looked away when Carmen relayed the question to her.

Santana knew the answer to that. And Quinn as well, she had proof of Rachel's wonderful voice on a CD.

It was clear that this question struck too close to home.

"No comment," she whispered while Santana shouted out the same remark, delivering it with a fierce glance.

Realizing his mistake, the young man truly felt bad. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It was thoughtless."

At least the man had scruples, Santana thought, throwing another threatening look at him.

Then he did something that none of them would have expected.

He bent forward and stopped the recording. Then he looked at Rachel, waiting for her to turn back to him. He noticed the pain in the brown eyes and almost expected the young woman to get up and leave. He asked himself why this stupid question had slipped out of his mouth, but everything he had heard and seen seemed so unconventional about Rachel Berry and her … _friends? Girlfriend?_ …that it would not have surprised him if she had said yes.

He had prepared for this interview and he had not known in the beginning if there would be a moment where he could use his rudimentary knowledge of ASL, but if there ever was a moment, it was this.

Whenever he interviews someone, he tried to make the people he talked to as comfortable as possible. Only if someone trusted him, he would get the best results. So far, he had never betrayed that trust either, always making sure to get full approval from his customers. That was one of the reasons why he worked as a freelancer. He could play by his own rules and did not have to adhere to the unscrupulousness objectives of the big magazines. With him it was take it or leave it. He was still young and had his ideals, but he held the hope that he would never become one of those heartless paparazzi puppets that threw every bit of humanity over board to get what they wanted.

So when Rachel looked back at him, dreading the next question, he rubbed his right hand with the closed fist over his heart.

_I'm sorry._

Rachel frowned at the unusual communication skills for a reporter, but she appreciated the gesture.

He enforced his exclamation.

_I'm really sorry. If you want to finish, I can understand._

Basically, he signed _you want finish I understand_ , but Rachel understood what he was trying to say.

After collecting herself for a moment, she was fine to continue. She smiled and shook her head.

They reverted back to the former conversation routine with Patrick asking the questions out loud while Carmen interpreted again.

When he asked about her future plans, she simply stated that yes, she had some, but that they were still confidential.

They finished up with some more questions about her Broadway shows after she confirmed she was ok to talk about it.

As a wrap Rachel asked the reporter some questions of her own to get a feeling of his personality. She still had the impression that he was sincere enough about the whole topic. She was positively surprised to hear that he learned the few signs as a preparation for this interview. This raised him up a notch in her judgment.

Patrick promised to get the article to them latest the next day for their review.

He then walked them down to the lobby and they said good bye.

He watched the four women leave and already had a feeling about the article he was going to write. It would be a good one, he knew. Despite trying to hold on to his professional detachment and objectivity, he liked Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray. Even the Latin girlfriend who acted as a manager – slash – bodyguard had something intriguing.

Who knew, if he played this right, he might have another chance at an interview with Ms. Fabray or even Rachel Berry, depending on what she was planning to do.

… … …

Back at Quinn's apartment the blonde dutifully laid down on the couch to rest and fell asleep, while Rachel and Santana prepared some sandwiches and a salad for lunch.

When they finished their preparation, Santana asked, signing:

_What made you finally change your mind?_

"In regards to what?" Rachel asked back, signing as well.

_That you wanted to continue to deal with hearing people – with us._

Rachel sighed. She saw that Santana had been upset by her actions as well. She only realized now that it was not only Quinn that she had hurt. A lot of other people had suffered too, people she had not thought about, even though they had become close to her. It showed her that she and her friendship meant a lot to those people.

Guilt gnawed at her again.

Santana touched her shoulder. _Hey, I didn't mean to hurt you or sound reproachful. It just was an honest question._

The brunette chewed her lip before she answered.

"I had a talk with Lauren and Carmen. They straightened me out," Rachel smiled. "Well, that sounds harsher than it actually was. But they both have experience with deaf people or with being deaf. I know it sounds strange, but for me that gave me a credibility which I could not have accepted from anyone else, even though you and Quinn and Kurt were also right with what you told me. Lauren and Carmen both gave me some understanding of my own actions and thoughts. They were both very honest and I did not always like what they said, but I'm grateful I listened. I needed this balance of opinions from both sides. You know what I mean?" Rachel frowned and looked at Santana.

Santana nodded. _Yes, I get it._ She grabbed a paper and continued writing.

_You know Rachel, I always knew you had drive, but in high school I always thought it only pushed you forward in regards to singing and performing. I have learned now that there is much more that keeps you going. You really have come a long way and I'm really proud of you and to be your friend_.

Rachel's eyes went wide with the Latina's concession. "I…", she didn't know what to say and just stepped closer and hugged Santana. Her friend did not seem to stop to surprise her. The way she had grown and come a long way, also Santana had grown and changed.

Where a rough and gruff answer would have been a response in former days, today honesty, care and a raw tenderness came through. She still only showed this to close friends, but the way fought for Rachel's friendship, no matter what happened, was something the petit woman would have never expected.

She realized how lucky she was to have such wonderful, generous, gentle, tenacious and caring friends in her life.

… … …

Later that afternoon Santana already received the first draft of the interview. She called the other two women and they gather around her laptop she had placed on the dining table.

All three women were positively surprised at the article Patrick Remmond had created. It was sensitive, but not overly dramatic. He stuck to the facts and the words they used. He did not overdramatize and left out some of the very sensitive topics about their relationship. He touched upon some of the struggles they mentioned in terms of Rachel's disability, but really kept a close guard on how he phrased it to bring across the sincerity and truth about the whole situation. As this was the whole point of the interview in order to get Sharon off her back, Rachel was fine with the way he dealt with the whole issue.

It came across clearly how difficult the situation was for Rachel since her accident, but the whole tonality still had a positive and encouraging ring to it. He had done an excellent job with his portrait of Rachel, her achievements and modest further aspirations. She had not mentioned her acting wishes or her school project, but voiced that she hoped to learn to further cope with her disability and to finally find a new purpose.

All in all everything was portrayed realistically and positively encouraging.

Even Santana was impressed and nodded her approval. She sent their ok right away per e-mail and Patrick promised to send them the link to the website as soon as the article was approved and up. Should any further changes be necessary from the publisher's point of view, he would get back to them, he promised. If not, he would just send them connection to the site.

Quinn turned towards her girlfriend and hugged her.

_Well done, Rachel. I'm proud of you. I know it was not easy to do, especially talking about such personal things with a stranger. But I think this turned out well._

"Well, Patrick wrote the whole thing, so the credit belongs to him." Rachel answered modestly.

Quinn shook her head. _No, he just used his skill to give your words a perfect frame, but everything else came from you. How do you feel about it?_

Rachel let out a long breath and looked back at the screen. She nodded slowly.

"It feels good. I feel relieved. I feel like I can now venture out and don't have to hide anymore, you know? It's," she thought for a moment, trying to find the right words for her feelings, "as if a great burden has been taken away. As if I don't have to be perfect for the outside world anymore. I know it sounds strange, but now I feel like I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't have to pretend I'm normal, I don't have to pretend everything is or was all easy, I don't have to live up to what I think other people's expectations are for me." She paused for a moment.

"Yes, it feels like I have finally found back to myself with acknowledging my situation also to the outside world." A slow smile spread across her lips. "It feels like I can close one chapter and begin a new one."

Quinn smiled with her. _Can we be in that new chapter together?_

Rachel's smile broadened while her hands moved. _Yes, that's the only way I would want to write it!_

And she placed a kiss on the blonde's lips.

* * *

**I hope you'll all have a good start into the new year!**

 


	61. Chapter 61

**I don't own Glee or the original characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 61**

When Quinn woke up the next morning, she felt the past two days of activities catch up with her.

Maybe she had overestimated her strength and should have stayed home instead of going out to dinner with Rachel's friends and join her during the interview. But it had been worth it, even though her ribs and arm hurt a little more again. The headache was better. That was good, at least. Besides, it was really good that she and Santana had been with Rachel at the hotel, Rachel had said so herself when she thanked her for being with her.

Checking to her right she found the bed to be empty. Outside she heard voices arguing. A sigh of relief escaped her. Good, Rachel had not left. For a moment she had feared that the brunette had disappeared.

Glancing at the watch she saw that it was ten o'clock already. She noticed voices coming from the kitchen area. Since there were always little breaks in the conversation, Quinn figured that Santana probably wrote down what she was saying for Rachel to understand.

Straining her ears, she heard Santana ague that she would not eat tofu in her scrambled eggs while Rachel challenged her after a short moment that she probably hadn't even tried it before.

With a smile, Quinn propped herself on her elbows only to drop down again with an "Ouch! Shit."

So much for wanting to go back to her show the following week. Grumbling she realized that she might have to wait a couple of more days.

She dragged herself out of bed and padded into the other room.

The argument had settled down, apparently. Quinn caught Santana admitting with her mouth full that the basil tofu indeed did taste quite good when roasted in a pan before mixing it with the scrambled eggs.

"Hey, honey!" Rachel smiled when she saw the sleepy face of her girlfriend on the other side of the counter.

"Morning," Quinn smiled back. Rachel popped a piece of tofu into the blonde's mouth and kissed her before turning back to the eggs and the bacon she fried for Quinn and Santana.

Rachel would never want to eat meat, but sometimes she just had a craving for real eggs that she stepped a little away from her otherwise rigid vegan diet.

"Morning," Santana greeted her. "Thought you'd never wake up. I'm famished. I would have started breakfast without you."

"I'm sure you would," Quinn answered dryly.

Rachel watched how Quinn gingerly sat down in one of the stools at the counter and cradled her left arm.

"Is it hurting?" She asked concerned.

Quinn bobbed her head and pulled the pad closer to write her answer. _Yes. Maybe I lay the wrong way this night, but my ribs and my arm are bothering me more than yesterday. But the headache is almost gone. What's for breakfast?_

She pushed the paper across so Rachel could read it.

"Eggs, bacon, toast and fresh juice. Wanna lay down until it's ready?"

_No, I'm ok._

Maybe I shouldn't have slept next to…" Rachel couldn't finish her sentence, when Quinn vehemently protested with her hands.

_Stop it! I don't want to hear it. And not, you didn't kick me or hit me or anything._

Rachel leaned on the counter and looked at Quinn. She sighed. "Fine." A small smile appeared on her lips and she whispered: "Then I am glad I did stay." Rachel was rewarded with a kiss on her hand from her girlfriend before she turned back to finish preparing the breakfast while Santana got the dishes out of the cupboards.

Quinn watched her friends finish setting up the table.

They decided to have a lazy start into the day and ate on the couch, with re-runs of Bewitched in the DVD player. Rachel snorted when Santana suggested they watched that show. She wouldn't have pegged the Latina to be the Elizabeth Montgomery fan.

"You like the show or the actress or both?"

_She had something, was a great actress – I saw some other stuff she did after the series – she was good looking and had beautiful legs. Besides, who as a kid did not dream to be a witch? The only thing I don't like about that show is the husband; he's such a whiny wimp. A little character development wouldn't have hurt on him. Her mother was so cool, though, if they ever decide to make remake, I'd audition for Endora!_

Santana wrote as answer to Rachel's question, handing the pad to her over Quinn's lap, who sat between them.

"Yeah, that would be the perfect role for you, character wise," Rachel remarked and grinned, turning her attention back to the screen.

"Oh my stars," picking up one of Samantha Steven's favorite sayings Quinn rolled her eyes. "Can you imagine what havoc she'd create?" She asked her girlfriend then with a raised eyebrow, signing along.

Rachel crunched up her nose. "Uh, I don't want to think about it."

"Hehehe." A dirty little laugh was all Santana gave as a comment

All three kept lounging on the comfortable sofa, lazily switching one DVD after the next, until their stomachs called for food again.

Quinn was glad that there wasn't much action planned for the day. She felt good just lying on the sofa, cuddling up against Rachel and feeling her soothing fingers massage her back.

They spent the afternoon not moving much either, only to get some lunch – which actually was delivered to their door – and some snacks. Quinn almost forgot that Santana had planned something for the evening.

At around three, Rachel had to leave get changed for the evening event the Latina had planned. She promised to stay at Quinn's place again after that, which relieved the blonde immensely.

Santana had told Rachel about taking Quinn out and wanted Rachel to come as well. The Latina had not disclosed any details, only told Rachel to get dressed up a little.

The former singer wondered if it was such a good idea to go out again if Quinn was still in pain.

Santana told her that they would pick her up with a cab at her apartment later, even though it was a detour. Then they would drive together to wherever they were going.

"I don't know why you have to be so secretive about it." The brunette said.

_Forget it Rachel, she won't budge._ Quinn shrugged.

"Well, see you two later then."

The petite woman kissed Quinn good-bye and gently pushed her back on the couch when the blonde wanted to get up.

"Stay and rest. I'll find my way to the door."

But Quinn held on to Rachel and pulled her down again so the brunette collapsed half on the blonde's lap, desperately trying to not hurt her. Laughing she sat up and watched her girlfriend's hands.

"Don't know what happened, just wiggled my nose and thought 'boy, I want her to stay'. And all of a sudden you came crashing down on me." Quinn looked at her nose cross eyed. "Who would have thought?"

Santana snorted and Rachel laughed again. She grabbed Quinn's nose and wiggled it with her fingers.

"Hidden talents, huh? Can you make my clothes appear here as well? Then I don't have to leave. And while you're at it can you make Santana go away for a couple of seconds, I want to kiss you – _without_ an audience for a change."

Quinn shook her head. _No, letting people disappear and conjuring up clothes is only part of the next lesson, sorry._

"Aha, thought so. Well, then I have to get my stuff the old fashioned way." Rachel got up again and continued mumbling. "Now I thought I had a witch, which would've come in handy, I have to admit, but turns out she can only please herself, tsk, now, what…" She couldn't finish her sentence, because someone grabbed her arm and spun her around. Before she could say anything, Quinn pressed her lips on hers and kissed her passionately.

When both women finally needed some air, they pulled apart, slightly dazed from the kiss and the passion.

Quinn stepped back a little, reluctant to lose the physical contact, but she needed some space to sign.

_I missed your little rants!_

Rachel chuckled and it was the second best sound that ever reached Quinn's ears. Rachel singing was the best ever, but hearing her laugh made her heart happy as well.

"Good lord, I honestly think you're doing that on purpose." Santana shouted from the couch.

Quinn turned and Rachel followed her motion with her eyes, while Santana continued.

"You're complaining of _me_ being a stalker, but you stand here in plain sight having lip sex with your girlfriend. I think _you're_ getting off on that!"

"Shut up San. Admit you're enjoying it. It's about time you're getting a little kissing too," Quinn teased and turned back to Rachel who watched her with a raised eyebrow. Then the brunette raised her hands, not sure what her friends had said.

_Did she give us a snarky remark again?_ She signed half hiding behind Quinn so the Latina wouldn't be able to understand.

Quinn nodded. _Yes_. Then she leaned closer as if speak softly into Rachel's ear and signed while hissing in an exaggerated loud whisper so Santana would hear it: "I think she needs to get laid soon, otherwise we might find her in our bed one night."

"I heard that, bitch," came the reply out of the corner.

Quinn wanted to interpret, remembering that she had forgotten to sign during the previous exchange, but Rachel made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "Don't bother, I have a pretty good idea what she said."

She placed a quick kiss on her lover's lips again and then grabbed her coat and bag.

"See you later, lovely," and to Santana Rachel said: "Dig out that love-arm that Kurt gave us a couple of years ago, maybe that helps. Oh, and you could check out a couple of YouTube videos, those might give you more than we do," and she quickly ducked to avoid being hit by a pillow that came flying her direction.

Rachel waved at Quinn and quickly slipped out the door with a grin.

"Good lord, not even deafness gets this woman to stop ranting. And what a good thing that is," Santana added chuckling, looking at Quinn happily, conveying with her expression that she was indeed glad to have Rachel back in their lives.

Quinn only nodded and smiled back.

… … …

After Rachel had left, the two friends continued watching another couple of episodes. An hour later Santana turned off the TV and looked at Quinn.

"Santana, the thing you planned for tonight…"

The Latina must have heard in her voice that the blonde wanted to postpone, but did not accept a cancelation.

"Nope, no getting out of this one. Sorry. You went to the interview and to dinner, so you'll do me the favor of coming with me tonight."

"Santana, do we really have to go out tonight?"

Santana just glared at Quinn. "Yes."

Quinn sighed. "I don't feel like getting off this couch today."

The other woman narrowed her eyes and threw her a threatening look.

"Oh yes, you will get off that couch. And if I have to push you off myself, Q."

"Where are we going anyway? I'm definitely not going out to a club dancing or anything like that."

"Don't worry, it's all rib-safe and handicap friendly – sort of."

"What?" Quinn was confused.

Santana sighed and rolled her eyes. "You don't have to move too much, so your ribs should be fine and … for the rest you'll see. Anyway, it's about time to get ready. Throw in two pain killers and get moving. We have enough time to adjust to your grandma gait."

"Hey, don't boss me around! And I'm really not feeling that great to go out again."

"I heard you the first time, but this is not just for me Quinn. This is for you and for Rachel. So you better get up now, because the pain of your broken heart is much worse than your little bruised ribs. And it's nothing against the pain Imma inflict on you if you Don't. Get. Moving. Fabray!"

Quinn looked at Santana long and hard, but her friend did not flinch. She was dead serious.

"You are a bully, Santana, you know that? Nope, bully sounds too nice. You're a full gown bull."

"Yes, and I got balls too, so move it!"

"Do you treat your clients like that as well?"

"Yeah I do, and that's why they love me so much, 'cause I kick their highly paid asses when no one else will and I'm not shy to do it. So, the longer you're stalling, the quicker you gotta get moving later. It's up to you, granny."

"Go fuck yourself, bitch." Quinn retorted, but moved with exaggerated slowness up from the couch. Once she got moving around, her sore muscles seemed to relax a bit, but she had to be careful not to make any hasty movements.

The warm water of the shower helped her to relax and Quinn thought that a little bit of moving around might not be the worst thing. At least her muscles wouldn't cramp up as much as they did after half laying, half sitting on the couch the whole day.

She wondered where Santana was taking them. Rachel was coming as well, so it wouldn't be anything that had anything to do with music. Theater maybe? No that wouldn't make sense either. Dinner? Yeah, that could be. But why make a secret out of it then. And what did Santana mean that it was for her and Rachel? God, that woman drove her crazy sometimes.

Feeling a little more like herself, Quinn toweled herself dry and slowly got dressed in fresh clothes.

Santana was waiting in the kitchen for her also having changed into different clothes. Having already taken a shower in the morning she just had to apply some make-up.

"Good, glad you decided to come along after all, captain," the Latina greeted her.

Quinn decided not to comment and motioned for the door. Before they left, Santana placed something into her friend's hand.

Looking at her palm, Quinn's eyes widened with surprise.

… … …

When they reached Rachel's place, the brunette was already waiting in front of her building. Santana opened the backdoor of the car and got out.

"Santana, I thought you'd never come, I'm freezing. So, where are we going?"

_Move in here, Rachel, I'll explain later._ The Latina slid into the passenger seat and gave the driver the address of their final destination.

Rachel went towards the waiting taxi and moved onto the back seat, sliding close to Quinn. She kissed her girlfriend as a way of greeting before asking:

"How are you feeling?"

Quinn just stared at her with a slightly confused look, then lifted her hands and signed the next sentence.

_Rachel, I can't hear you. Santana did not only force me to get out of my cozy apartment, but she also told me to wear my special earplugs._

"What?!" Rachel exclaimed, looking at Santana from the side, "Why?"

The Latina turned in her seat and signed for both her friends: _Because I think that it might help you both if Quinn understood a bit better of what you're going through._

Rachel watched Quinn closely after that revelation. She remembered very clearly how Quinn had freaked out that one night after wearing those earplugs for just a couple of hours. And they had not even gone out, they had spent the entire evening in the safe surroundings of Quinn's apartment.

"Santana, I don't think that is such a good idea. I appreciate the sentiment, but Quinn is still far from being well and … and…why are you doing this now? Couldn't this wait until she is better again?" Rachel signed her words in parallel, so Quinn could see what she was saying.

Santana shook her head. She tried hard to find the right signs and to ignore the sideway glances from the driver. I t was additionally difficult to twist in the seat so both women could see her hands clearly.

_No. This could not wait. Not all of us have the chance of healing from their injuries, Rachel, instead having to live with the difficult consequences. So Quinn might survive a little discomfort in comparison._

Rachel threw up her hands and shook her head, but didn't say anything.

_Gee, thanks Santana. If I ever want an enemy, I'll ask you._ Quinn signed, not sure if Santana picked up all the signs, but for once she didn't care. She was still pissed that she had let the Latina force her to go out when she would have preferred to stay at home. She wondered what was so important that it couldn't wait. Clearly Rachel had not idea about where they were headed either.

Quinn was alerted by her girlfriend's hands moving again.

_Haven't we been through this already?_ Rachel asked.

_Through what?_ Quinn asked back confused.

_You wearing earplugs._

"Yes, we have, but Miss Lopez here seemed to think otherwise."The blonde signed and spoke out aloud so Santana could hear her. Then she shortly placed a hand on Rachel's leg.

_It's ok, I don't quite know what she has planned, but I guess I will survive. Let's humor her,_ Quinn then signed bravely and nodded in Santana's direction.

But Rachel wasn't calmed that easily.

"Why are you doing this, Santana? Do you think this is some kind of game?"Rachel was not sure what she was supposed to think about the whole thing.

She was deprived of an answer as they arrived at their destination and just like history repeating Rachel's stomach churned at seeing where they had stopped.

"Jesus, you didn't." She exclaimed in a low voice while she looked outside.

Quinn also gazed outside and frowned at seeing where they had arrived. Santana paid the taxi driver and then walked around the car to help Quinn exit the taxi.

"What the hell, Santana…" Rachel was not sure if she should be angry, hurt or just plainly curious as to what had gotten into their friend to both drag them here and make Quinn use the earplugs.

Santana tapped Rachel on the arm and waved her closer so she had the attention of both her friends.

_We are going to see the new musical "Golden". I know that Quinn wanted to see it, but she had not had the chance yet and I know she has not heard the music yet either._

Quinn opened her mouth and closed it again. Then she watched Santana pull out three tickets from her purse.

_I had to pull some strings to get those and this is why it couldn't wait. Besides, I didn't want you to be able to hear anything about it or its music, that's why I didn't tell you where we were going,_ she then added with a look towards Quinn.

"What? How…? What kind of strange idea is that, Santana?" Rachel finally asked after finding the right words.

_I think it is a brilliant idea, Rachel. Listen,_ she held up a finger and pulled out a pad to write down her next words.

_Honestly, I find it unfair from us to expect you to go to a concert, a club or a Broadway show without being able to hear, if we cannot imagine what it would be like. We expected you to adapt, and you did somehow, and very bravely, I admit. But I still think that we should also learn to adapt more to your situation. So Quinn and I will both put ourselves into your shoes for a change, Rachel._

Rachel was speechless. She just stared at Santana without knowing what to say.

When she had come out of her latest depressive mood, she found herself to accept that there would always be deficits, that there would always be things she would not be able to experience anymore. She was glad to have found new friends, deaf friends, who could understand her, but she was also glad that she still had her hearing friends. She had learned that she could not and did not want to live without them.

But she had not expected them to try to understand her further. What Santana had planned was just more than Rachel had ever anticipated, especially not after her last outburst. That her friends now actually tried to experience again what it was like for her, despite her unfair behavior not long ago, moved the petite woman beyond words.

Santana seemed to catch up on the brunette's sentiments and smiled encouragingly.

_Come on Berry. What's the saying?_ She scribbled it down on the paper. _For better or worse._

Quinn peered over her girlfriend's shoulder and read the same words. Then she glanced up and gave Rachel a brave smile.

The brunette reached out and squeezed Quinn's hand and threw a surprised look at Santana.

When Rachel had seen where they had arrived, she had not been sure what to think. Santana knew how difficult her past weeks had been, she had witnessed her breakdown. To drag her here again, she must have had a darn good reason.

The Latina nodded at the entrance _. Let's go inside._

Rachel noticed the insecurity and increasing nervousness in Quinn when they walked into the theater. She could relate so much. And now she understood why the Latina had insisted on Rachel coming with them. She wanted her there to support her friends, especially to support Quinn. Santana did not simply want to make Rachel go through another experience she couldn't fully enjoy. She wanted to draw on her expertise and knowledge on how to handle such a situation. Rachel was there to help _them._

The petite woman watched her friends. Santana wore her "I'm in control of the situation, nothing can faze me" expression. Even though, the Latina would never admit that this might be difficult for her to bear as well. Watching Quinn, she saw the nervousness and tension written all over the blonde's face.

The brunette remembered her first dinner in public some weeks ago when she herself had almost had a panic attack. And that was after having adjusted to her deafness for more than six months. She could understand that is would be really difficult for Quinn now, especially since she felt claustrophobic in some situations. Not being able to hear seemed to trigger this sensation to a certain degree.

Rachel understood that. Being deaf gave her a feeling of being locked inside her body and having lost a certain touch with the world around her. It had taken a very long time to get used to this sensation. Her ears had always told Rachel what was going on around her where her eyes were not able to reach. With her hearing she had stretched beyond the visible surroundings. Her sense of dimension had greatly diminished with the loss of her one sense.

She gripped the blonde's arm who turned towards her.

_Quinn, you can always stop. You don't have to do that. Really. I appreciate the motion, but I don't want you to panic. You have enough going on with your healing ribs._

Quinn exhaled slowly. The reassurance from Rachel felt good. It made it easier to know that she would not be mad or disappointed should she not be able to make it through until the end of the show.

For now, her understanding made her calm down a little.

_I'm fine._

Rachel frowned at the answer, but didn't say anything further.

Even though the blonde saw people moving around her, she felt strangely detached. As if she was only watching a muted movie on TV. When someone brushed by her she almost jumped.

Jesus, this was even more nerve wracking than just having dinner at home, having to focus only on one person. Quinn remembered the discussion she had with Santana at home when the Latina told her that she had to put the earplugs in.

… … …

"I can't do this! I can't go out with those!" Quinn's eyes had been wide with panic when she remembered her anxiety attack the last time she had experimented with the ear plugs.

Santana had taken her by the arm and gave her a short squeeze. "Focus, Quinn! You really want to give up before even trying?"

The Latina wondered why it freaked Quinn out so much. It was just one evening, nothing compared to Rachel's life sentence of deafness.

Quinn rubbed her hand over her forehead and tried to calm down.

"Quinn, your girlfriend cannot give up. She has no choice! And still, she went to see you at your concert and she watched your musical! Now you are telling me that you can't do it for one evening? I expect you to be stronger than that! I once told Rachel that I expected the best of her. I'm expecting the best of you, too, Quinn. Instead of running away and giving in to your panic, analyze what is scaring you and why. And apply this learning to understand what Rachel must feel. 'Cause then you'll understand better what it means to be deaf. All of what we "made" Rachel go through, the dinners, the dancing, the shows, we should at least experience from her point of view as well."Santana stated.

"We?" Quinn asked

"Yes. We." And Santana produced some ear plugs of her own.

"Oh."

"And I truly believe that this experience will both help you in your relationship. Now, Rachel doesn't know about this and this wasn't her idea. Still, I think we can learn a bit more to support her, don't you? Come on Quinn, you'll be ok."

Quinn exhaled slowly.

"Yeah, I hope so."

… … …

The blonde zoomed back into the present. She felt Rachel carefully sneak her arm around her waist and was relieved by the support. The brunette gently guided her through the doors behind Santana and they found their seats.

Sitting in the confinements of their row, feeling the supporting back of the chair that separated her from the other people behind her, made Quinn's nerves ease up a little. She was glad that no one had addressed them up until now. She wasn't sure she could handle that right now.

She glanced around and took in her surroundings. The theater was almost full, which was to be expected for a Sunday show and a new musical at that. She wondered how Santana had managed to get the tickets. One of her customers must have helped out, she guessed.

Soon the light darkened and the curtain lifted.

Quinn felt her heartbeat quicken as it did every time when she went to watch a new show. Only this time, she did not quite know what to expect. Would she understand anything? She had meant to read a little more about the story of the musical, but had not had the time the past weeks. Now she could only rely on what she was seeing.

Quinn took in the stage set-up. Suddenly she felt her seat and her chest vibrating. She almost jumped. She clutched the armrests, trying to figure out what caused the pulsating feeling.

_The orchestra started playing,_ Rachel signed as an explanation. It was almost too dark to see her hands. Good thing that they sat somewhere in the front, so the light of the stage illuminated their seats a little.

"Oh." Right. That made sense. She could have figured that out for herself, Quinn thought.

The characters came on stage and started a dialogue - or did they sing already? It was hard to guess and Quinn leaned forward a bit to get a better look.

Could you really distinguish singing from talking, she asked herself. Yeah, maybe, because the actor's faces had different expressions and their lips sometimes seemed to hold a word longer than otherwise. But what where they singing? She wondered if Rachel understood anything.

Quinn watched for a while, always getting a little distracted by the changing vibrations from the music that she felt in her body and the surrounding structures.

The actors, a woman and a man, danced back and forth, clearly being involved in a discussion. Then the guy placed a hand on his heart and held on to the arm of his stage partner. He stood facing the audience and Quinn's eyes hung on his lips. She couldn't quite make out what he was saying – or singing, but the two lovers seemed to repeat their sentences several times. All of a sudden it made click and Quinn "heard" the corresponding words to the lip movements.

He was pledging his love, saying the simple three words "I love you," while the woman kept denying it, not believing him, answering "you don't love me." She had turned out of his grip, facing the audience as well, shaking her head while she delivered the lines.

It felt like a little triumph for Quinn having understood at least that bit. But thinking of how long it had taken her to figure these two small things out, her mood dampened again.

She stole a glance at Santana.

The Latina sat beside her stoically, not letting any emotion play across her face. She had also inserted her ear plugs and was either very bored or tried very hard to not let this experience get to her too much.

Quinn glanced at Rachel who seemed the most relaxed of the three of them. The blonde wondered what made Rachel go through this whole ordeal again. Hadn't she suffered enough by visiting her at the concert and her show? How could she willingly do this to herself again?

Then it dawned on Quinn that Rachel was only here because of _her_. Apparently Santana had convinced the petite woman that it was absolutely necessary to come for whatever reason.

Rachel took the blonde's hand and placed it against Quinn's chest. Then she asked: _Do you feel that? The constant and heavy thumping?_

Quinn nodded and followed Rachel's finger that pointed at the orchestra ditch. _Look at the right hand corner, you see the drummer? He is hitting the base drum. That is the strong beat you are feeling._

Quinn smiled "Right."

Then she noticed the violins and the e-guitar take up their music again and the vibrations increased. Now it was a tingle that went through her whole arms down into the tips of her fingers. She turned her hand and rubbed her fingertips together.

She had never consciously noticed that music could be felt in that way. The acoustics had always overlaid the actual physical sensation. Now that she had all her concentration focused on just feeling, it opened up her mind.

She found that it was almost more interesting to watch the orchestra and match their playing to what she was feeling than watching the actors.

Quinn tried to get a feel of the music, of the atmosphere, of the whole play, but it was hard without getting transported away by the musical score. God, if that were going to be like that for the rest of her life, she would go crazy.

Realizing what she just though she duck her head.

Guess there was always a way if you had no other choice, she admitted to herself.

Now that she was focusing back on herself without the distraction from the play, she felt the walls closing in again. Instead of focusing on what she was able to perceive, she was hit with what she was missing and it triggered this feeling of being locked inside herself again.

Rachel kept sneaking worried glances at Quinn. The blonde held herself very erect and sat stiffly in her seat. Just some moments ago she had seemed fine, or at least more relaxed. What had happened?

The tension she radiated was almost tangible. The brunette tapped her hand. Quinn looked over.

_Are you ok? We can leave, if you want to. Or you can just take out the ear plugs._

Quinn did not answer at first. Rachel could tell she was tempted to end Santana's experiment and Rachel wished she herself could just do the same.

Quinn shook her head and exhaled slowly, forcing herself to relax. If this wasn't an experiment but reality, as it was for Rachel, she wouldn't be able to take the ear plugs out.

So she vowed to herself that she could do this. She would not panic again as she did last time. Rachel had to do this every single second of her life. Then she could do for just this limited amount of time.

The blonde turned her view back to the stage. People were moving around, moving their lips, waving their hands in the air and Quinn had no clue what was going on.

She turned back to Rachel.

_What is happening?_

_I believe that Constance tries to convince Octavio that what he is accusing her of is not true._

_And you get that from just watching them?_ Quinn asked incredulously.

Rachel chuckled. _No. I read the detailed description_ _in the playbill_ _and figured the rest._

"Oh." Quinn was silent for a moment. Then she lifted her hands.

_How do you do it?_

Rachel frowned. _Do what? Watch this?_

Quinn nodded. _This. People. Daily life._

Rachel shook her head slightly. _Quinn, when you had your accident, no matter how hard it was, you still came to a point to accept it and move forward, despite all the things you couldn't do anymore. Sometimes you don't have a choice and you just have to go on._

Quinn nodded slightly and kept looking at her. Another realization struck her.

Only just now she realized through the exercise Santana had forced upon her, how much she had _assumed_ and how wrong all her assumptions had been about how a deaf person perceived her surroundings. Now _experiencing_ it, she realized that it was much harder than she had thought.

Quinn always assumed that she got a goof picture of what Rachel perceived whenever she tried to put herself into Rachel's shoes.

What she had not realized was that she naturally processed the sounds around her, even if she was trying to tune them out. But nevertheless, they helped to give her a much clearer picture than what a deaf person would actually get.

And now that she was not able to hear anything, Quinn was shocked.

Being in public, without audible orientation was just horrible for someone who had been hearing his or her whole life.

She forced herself to breath evenly and leaned back in her chair. Feeling Rachel's hand on her thigh helped her relax a little and she endured the first half of the musical until the lights came on.

… … …

During the break Quinn opted to stay seated, she did not want to mingle with the other people.

They let the audience from their row squeeze past them, Santana and Rachel smiling apologetically. Quinn though, duck her head. She was afraid to make contact. She was afraid someone would say something to her and she would not be able to understand or answer.

The extent of understanding of how much it really must have cost Rachel to have come to her concert _alone_ , almost overwhelmed Quinn.

She turned back to Rachel when she felt a hand on her forearm.

Quinn exhaled slowly. Rachel crocked her head and watched her girlfriend.

_Quinn, no one expects you to be perfect and to accept this challenge easily. Look at me, you have been with me most of the way and you have seen how hard it was and still is for me every single day. And even when I thought I had started to accept it, I still got depressed and frustrated and acted irrationally.. Really, I appreciate what you and Santana are trying to do. I don't take that for granted, but I think it might be enough for today, don't you?_

Quinn exhaled again and shook her head. _No. you didn't get that chance to gradually ease into your deafness, why should I take it so easy?_

"Quinn!" In her exasperation Rachel forgot for just a second that her girlfriend couldn't hear her.

_You have tried it once. You have made it through the first half of this musical now. What else do you want to experience?_ Rachel was confused.

_Rachel, that dinner was one short moment and in familiar surroundings. I need to do this._ Quinn watched her hands as if they were talking on their own. A part of her still wanted to rip out the ear plugs and be normal again. But something held her back.

_How long do you want to keep this up? Eventually you'll have to take these damn ear plugs out anyway. So why not do it now? You can't run around like that forever just to prove a point._

Quinn pressed her lips together and thrust her chin out ever so slightly and Rachel knew that she would bite on granite if she kept that argument up any longer. This woman could be so stubborn sometimes!

_Yes I can. I will keep wearing them for tonight._

With that the argument seemed to be settled for her. Santana expected the best of her, so she should expect the best of herself as well, Quinn thought.

Looking back at the brown eyes that searched her face, Quinn found that this was the right decision. Even though Rachel still seemed a little tense, she also saw gratitude and … was it admiration?... in her eyes.

_You are one stubborn woman, you know that?_ Rachel signed. _But that is part of why I love you._

_And that is part of why we are together,_ Quinn grinned. _Because I managed to_ _convinced you that I loved you. Wouldn't have happened without that thick head._

"Right," Rachel breathed and then smiled at the blonde, stealing a kiss from the full lips.

Santana watched the discussion going on and only caught every other word of it. It helped her getting a very rough understanding what the discussion was about, but nothing more. This gave her a good idea of how Rachel must feel whenever a normal conversation took place around her.

It was exhausting for Santana to concentrate all the time on the lip and hand movements and still not understand most of it. She realized that Rachel and Quinn slowed their signing whenever she was included in a conversation. Right now, being involved just among themselves, they had gotten considerably fast at signing.

When she watched them kissing each other, the Latina figured that Quinn had apparently won whatever argument they had had, judging by the smug grin she wore.

It was indeed a very weird feeling being in public, seeing all the commotion around her but not hearing what was going on. Santana had to constantly fight the urge to look over her shoulder.

… … …

During the second half of the musical, Rachel kept explaining little things that she had learned to pick up. It helped Quinn to be distracted form the onsets of panic that seemed to come and go despite her resolution to go through with this.

She was glad that Rachel was with her; otherwise she would have bolted from the theater right at the beginning. Hell, she wouldn't have entered it in the first place. The presence of the other woman was calming and helped her to stay focused. And she had to admit that once she concentrated on the visual cues and the things she could perceive with her other senses, she found it quite interesting to explore.

Rachel on the other hand had to shake her head a few times at the situation. Here she was, sitting in a theater again; mere days after having had a nervous breakdown and vowing she would never want to have anything to do with music.

Somehow life was really funny. She wished she could laugh out loud at the joke, though. At least she managed a smile. She had to stop assuming and let life take its course.

Besides, this experience would also help her again in talking to Kayla and her friend the next day. So yes, maybe this was supposed to be her path.

* * *

**Thank you TheIrishGilmore for the theater prompt!**

**Any similarity with something existing is pure coincidence.**


	62. Chapter 62

**Guest: Thanks for pointing that out about Pippin. Should've done my homework better. I changed the name. I've read about it that some shows use interpreters, which I find absolutely great. Also, I read an article about a German young woman who interprets at concerts from a German band. This is really awesome, I think. It should be considered more often.**

**My beta reader is still a couple of chapers behind, so please excuse any errors or typos I overlooked. Even after reading this chapter so many times, some mistakes only jump at me when the chapter is online and I browse through it on this website...**

**I don't own Glee and I don't own its original characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 62**

When the musical was finished the three women applauded and joined the ovations. Quinn tried to ignore the stares from their neighbors she had noticed before when she and Rachel were signing to each other. Luckily, no one addressed them and they waited until the majority of people had left until they also made their way out of the theater.

Quinn still felt uneasy, but was brave enough to suggest grabbing a light dinner somewhere nearby. With Santana and Rachel around she felt like she could manage if she left the earplugs in a while longer.

_Would you two be ok to have some dinner?_ She then asked the other two women, signing.

_Yes, fine with me – maybe we can choose a small location._ Rachel suggested and Santana and Quinn nodded.

Neither of them was eager for sitting in another crowd, especially not Quinn. But the blonde told herself that this was not just difficult for herself, Rachel was also still adjusting to her circumstances.

They chose a small diner that wasn't fully occupied yet. They found an empty booth at the far end of the room and slid in.

Santana decided to end the experiment for herself and Rachel was kind of glad she did, because that made ordering a lot easier. The Latina took the earplugs out and put them into a little plastic case, which she then threw into her hand bag. Even though she tried not to admit it, but it had cost her some effort as well to sit through the whole show without hearing a sound. Her respect for Rachel at how she managed these situations had grown by the minute.

It took a moment until the waitress came and they discussed their experiences in the meantime. Quinn and Rachel were speaking out loud while signing so Santana could understand them.

"I think I got some of the story, but subtitles would have been nice," Quinn joked at some point.

"Oh, wouldn't that be nice? I have seen it once at the opera. They sang part of the songs in English and part in Italian. During the Italian parts they displayed the subtitles so people could understand what they were singing about. They should do that in all the theaters!" Rachel exclaimed.

_Some of the musicals have interpreters for the show, S_ antana signed and then took out a paper and pen, continuing in writing: _I deliberately chose one without. I wanted us to have the same basis of experience as Rachel. Besides, I wouldn't have understood much of it anyway_. _I noticed how you guys slow down your signing considerably when I'm around._

"Santana, I think you are doing a great job and you know how grateful I am that you are learning how to sign. I know you don't have much time for lessons, so don't berate yourself," Rachel tried to sooth her friend when she noticed the little frustration ringing in between the lines.

"Exactly. Ask Rachel how long it took me before I was able to sign a fluent and coherent sentence," Quinn chuckled.

_Right, super brain. Bet you picked it up in a minute._

Rachel leaned into her girlfriend for a moment. "Yeah, she was pretty fast. But you definitely know more of the swear words."

Santana smiled at her friend's attempt to cheer her up. She was still caught in the aftermath of this experiment.

An older waitress approached their table and quickly gave out the menus.

"I'll be right back!" She turned and left again to tend to another table. Santana looked after her.

_She seems a little overworked. Isn't there another waitress here?_

The girls browsed the food choices and quickly decided on what to eat and drink.

After a few minutes the older woman came back, still looking a little out of sorts. She had watched the three young women from afar and figured that one of them must be deaf. Since she had heard two of them talking she turned to Rachel and Quinn asking them something.

The brunette watched the other woman's mouth move, only being able to guess half of the words she was saying while pointing at Santana twice.

Rachel quirked her eyebrow and Quinn just looked confused. Leaning back a little, the Latina quickly tried to relay with her hands what the waitress had asked. The woman did not notice Santana's moving hands as she was still turned towards Rachel.

"Thanks for the cue," the brunette said to her friend and then to the waiting waitress: "Yes, we are ready to order. And I think my friend can order for herself," Rachel then stated, adding her choice for the menu. She watched the waitress face Quinn, who took up the cue and gave her order. Then the lady turned to Santana with a confused look.

Rachel just couldn't believe that the woman did not get who were the deaf persons at the table. How could anyone think that it was the Latina who was deaf just because Rachel and Quinn talked normally. Wasn't it logical that the _other_ person must be the one being able to hear then? Maybe their signing had confused her.

For the girl's benefit Santana kept signing while she told the waitress what she had chosen. The waitress's jaw dropped, her eyes dashing between the three women with confusion.

"I don't understand. Are you just pretending?"

Quinn exchanged an incredulous look with Rachel, after Santana had interpreted.

"Nooo,"Rachel then answered slowly. "My friend," and she pointed at Santana, "is able to hear and she is interpreting for us," she explained patiently.

"But you can talk." Confusion was etched across the waitress's face.

"Yes, we can. We…" and she flicked her finger back and for the between herself and Quinn. "… just can't hear."

"Oh." Was all the lady managed. "I'll get your drinks," she added, turning abruptly and heading back to the kitchen to place their orders, but not before Rachel noticed the crimson color creep up her cheeks.

After politely waiting until the other woman was out of ear shot, Santana remarked:

_God, that was awkward. Can you believe that?_

_The poor woman, she is probably totally confused now. Leave her alone,_ Rachel stated.

Still, it was beyond her how anyone could not notice who was deaf. However, that little incident gave her confidence a little perk. Apparently it was not so obvious at a first glace what her handicap was. Well, at least as long as she had someone beside her who could interpret.

Despite the little incidence they enjoyed their dinner. When the waitress brought their food, she apologized for putting her foot in the mouth before and Quinn hastened to assure her that everything was fine.

With a sigh of relief – that Santana described as Niagara Falls deep - the woman left them to tackle their food.

In between bites Rachel was chatting with Santana while Quinn tried to absorb as much as possible from her surroundings. She was glad her two friends were occupied, because she needed a moment to gather herself again. Getting through the evening felt like climbing the Eiffel tower on foot. Every time she had covered a flight of stairs - adjusted to a new situation - she needed to stop, catch her breath and gather her wits to go on.

Granted, the scene with the waitress had been a little funny, but only because Santana had been there to help out while she could hear what the woman said. It became very clear how dependent they were. Well, they could have somehow managed on their own, but it was so much easier to have a hearing person around.

The realization hit her. It was easy to rely on someone else in these situations, but at the same time it showed you so much clearer that you had a physical limitation, because through the help of the other person it became clear what you were _not_ capable of doing for yourself.

"Isn't it weird for you to sit here with us?" Quinn then asked the Latina.

_What do you mean?_

"With us not being able to hear, having to interpret."

Santana opted for the written form of answering.

_Yes. It is exhausting; I have to admit, especially since I'm still not fluent. Glad you can at least talk for yourselves._ She grinned while writing the next sentence. _And I'm glad you both are such bright people to figure out what I'm trying to say with my hands._

For emphasis she lifted them and looked at them doubtfully. Quinn swatted at her friend's hands and Rachel laughed.

"And how was it for you at the theater?" The blonde alked.

Quinn watched her and also Rachel kept a close look on Santana's face. The Latina tried to play it cool, but there were certain signs that told them that it had not been as easy for her as she wanted it to appear.

Searching for words, Santana finally placed her hands flat on the table and narrowed her eyes.

Noticing how Rachel looked at her with a wistful smile, she decided to confess.

Releasing a deep breath she took up the pen. Quinn and Rachel exchanged a short look. It wasn't often that the Latina showed that something got to her. They patiently waited until she finished writing.

_I know I'm always acting tough and pretend that nothing ever shocks me. Well, that experience tonight – it was honestly something I wouldn't want to repeat._

Quinn raised an eyebrow at that and shot her friend a short look before she read on.

_I know it sounds thoughtless to say such a thing, but it took all my strength to not take out these damn earplugs (who's idea was it anyway :-)). I felt so out of control and you know how I am the queen of control, I know everything from everyone._

"Ain't that true," Rachel sighed, but smiled.

_Guess everyone feels something different in a different intensity, but for me, not knowing exactly what is going on around me drives me nuts. I know it sounds pathetic, Rachel. Even though I knew all that from our discussions and talk, today, I really_ _felt_ _it for myself for the first time. I know that there is much more to it than I can manage to describe here._

Rachel looked up from the paper and reached over. "Santana, I know what you mean. And nothing ever makes this experience less valuable, neither for you nor for me. I'm really impressed about what you did tonight. And I appreciate your honesty." She paused for a second. "I'm gonna hug you now." And then she got up, walked around the table and embraced her friend. "Thank you for everything," she spoke into her ear. "And I know that these four words not even nearly cover all I want to say."

Santana chuckled. _I know_ , she signed. _But I get it, too._

And in fact they both did. They all did.

This experience gave all of them a new and better understanding and respect for each other. It welded them closer together, the friends and the lovers.

… … …

When they reached their apartment, Santana plopped on the couch, exhausted.

"Well, that was interesting," she sighed. Getting two curious stares she took up signing.

_I get a new appreciation for you, Quinn. Now I know how it feels to be an interpreter. No offense, Rachel, but this takes a lot of concentration. I'm wasted._

Rachel smiled. "Well, for what it's worth, you did a great job."

Quinn nodded. "Yes you did. Thank you. But then again, you maneuvered yourself into that situation. After all it was your idea."

_About the musical, yes. Not about going out for dinner. Anyway, it was still a very interesting experience. I'm glad you both decided to go through with it. I half expected Rachel to scratch my eyes out and you, Quinn, to whack me in the chin._ Santana chuckled. _Glad I got out of this one alive._

She got up and waved. _Girls, have a good night, I have an early start tomorrow._

"Night!" both answered in unison.

While Quinn watched the Latina disappear, she decided to keep the ear plugs in for the next days as long as she was still recovering and did not have to go back to work.

Of course this triggered another argument with Rachel.

_Why do you do that? Wasn't the experience at the theater enough?_

_You said it yourself some weeks ago, Rachel. We cannot relate. And I want to know. I_ really _want to know._

_But it will still not be same and it is okay! I don't want you to understand at all costs. Use your hearing. Don't miss out on anything, please!_

Quinn remembered that Rachel had said almost the exact same sentence before. She shook her head.

_No. I know it will not be the same, not matter how long I will wear those things. But if I can get as close to knowing as possible, I want to try. I had no real idea how you felt in all the situations we made you go through. The club, the musical, the restaurant…Santana gave me a push in the right direction. Rachel, I always thought that if I adapted to your needs, learning sign language and imagining what it's like, it would be enough. Today I realized that this only helped me to a certain extent to understand your situation and that I was missing one important point. Experience._

_And now you want to get that?_

_Yes,_ Quinn simply answered. _As long as I don't have to work it is the perfect time. Will you help me out on this?_

Rachel tilted her head slightly. How could she say no to this? It was one of the dearest concessions she had ever experienced a person make for her sake – besides learning sign language and all the other stuff Quinn had already done for her. This woman was really incredible.

Rachel shook her head and smiled slightly. "Fine. You win." And she lifted her hands in surrender.

Quinn read the words from Rachel's lips and when her girlfriend noticed, she started to repeat them in signs, apparently surprised at herself that she forgot to do it right away. Quinn held on to the petite hands to stop the motion.

_I understood. It's ok._

"Oh." Again a situation they had both been through, just the other way around. But before Rachel could muse any longer on that thought, Quinn raised her hands again.

_And now that I am victorious, I get to make a wish._

Rachel laughed _. Is that so? Who made this rule?_

_I did._

_Right. And why am I inclined to follow that rule, remind me?_ Rachel threw back good-naturedly.

_Because you love me and because I'm still a little sick._

"Ha!" _Now you're pulling the sick-card again?_ The brunette teased.

_Yes I do,_ Quinn stated with a confident look.

_I will follow under one condition._ Rachel held up the indexfinger of her right hand.

_Not sure if I'll make a concession, Ms. Berry. But let me hear it._

_You are too gracious, milady._ Rachel inclined her head in mock obedience. _I'm sure you will like that one._

When Rachel finished explaining, Quinn blushed and nodded. _Yes, that sound's lovely._

The blonde let herself be pulled into her bedroom.

Snuggling close under the blankets not wearing any clothes was definitely something that she would like. Feeling Rachel's skin again, pressed against her own – or well, as much as was possible with her little incapacitation - just sounded like heaven.

It would be another great step towards mending and healing their relationship.

Before finally falling asleep, Quinn took out the earplugs for the night. She figured that it would be better for hear ears and less complicated if she didn't wear them during the night.

… … …

When Quinn woke up around five to use the bathroom, she inserted them again and cuddled back up next to her girlfriend. Blissfully sighing she found the brunette's arm under the blanket and with a hand on hers, she fell asleep again.

A couple of hours later Quinn woke up. She had fallen deeply asleep again and was confused by the pressure in her ears. Then she realized that she didn't hear anything. For a short moment she was shocked. When she touched her ears she remembered why they felt so clogged. Recalling her vow from the evening before and her action from the early morning, she was relieved that it was just the earplugs that prevented her from hearing.

She looked around and found Rachel still asleep lying next to her. It was early, just past seven. Straining to hear if Santana was up, Quinn realized that this did not work. She had to get up if she wanted to know if her roommate was still around. Deciding that this wasn't really important, she turned her attention back to the sleeping form next to her.

The blonde turned a little sideways and let her finger trail across Rachel's soft skin on her cheeks. Then she swiped a strand of brown hair out of the lovely and peaceful face. She let her finger trail further along the brunette's jawline.

Rachel's lips moved while her eyes were still closed. Quinn watched and quickly placed a hand on her girlfriend's chest to feel for the vibrations. She wanted to know if Rachel was talking.

Apparently she had asked her a question, because when Quinn didn't give an answer, Rachel opened her eyes and looked at her with a frown. The brunette started to repeat what she had asked when she stopped half way and pulled her arms out from under the blanket.

_Just remembered about your…_ she waved a finger at her ears to indicate Quinn's self-induced deafness. _How long are you awake?_

_Five minutes, maybe._

_Is Santana still here?_

Quinn shrugged. _Don't know_ she signed and pointed to her ears.

_Right._ Rachel looked at her again. _This is weird_.

_What is?_

_You not being able to hear. I've gotten so used to talk to you and to rely on you for sound things._

_Sound things?_ Quinn chuckled.

_Yes, you know, listening for this and that, like if Santana is rummaging round in the kitchen or the bathroom. Not mentioning all the interpretations…_

_Talking about weird, ask me._

_How long can you wear those things? Is it ok to wear them for such an extended period of time?_

_I asked the acoustician when I got them. He said up to two days is ok. Those are high quality ones that still allow some air to circulate without compromising the sound dampening. But I took them out for most of the night._

Rachel looked pensive.

_How will you know if the phone's ringing or if someone is at the door?_ She pointed out logically.

_Good question. I won't, I guess. If Santana is at home, she will have to answer._

_And if she isn't?_

Quinn shrugged. _Then nobody is home, sort of. People can still send me a text if they don't reach me._

The blonde leaned forward and kissed Rachel.

_Stop worrying, beautiful._

Rachel smiled. _Fine, it's your choice._

_Exactly_. Quinn kissed her again. _What are your plans for today?_

_I'll meet Kayla and Helena later today._

_I know, you told me. Sorry, just didn't have it on my radar for today. When I'm not working I start getting confused about the weekdays. Didn't realize it was Monday already._ Quinn studied Rachel for a moment. _Are you excited? Nervous?_

Rachel sighed.

_Both. I'm not sure what to expect and if I am really strong enough to go through with it. But that's just my mind talking. In my heart I feel that this would be a good thing to do. Besides, it does not have to happen right away. We might have to plan things and get approvals so it could be that the visit to the musical with the kids is then taking place in March or April. That was all that Kayla had as information from her friend._ Rachel shrugged. _I'll just keep an open mind and see what the discussion will bring today._

_That's a good attitude._ Quinn leaned a bit forward and stole a kiss form Rachel's lips.

_How are you this morning?_ Rachel asked with a slightly concerned look on her face.

_Better. The exhaustion that I felt yesterday when waking up is gone. I had a deep early morning sleep, despite these,_ she pointed again at her ears.

_Or maybe just because of them,_ Rachel joked and kissed Quinn back.

Quinn laughed. _Could be._

_So, what are your plans for today when you're home alone, hearing deprived?_ Rachel raised an eyebrow.

Quinn shrugged. _No idea, probably read a bit. Maybe watch TV, go for a walk, don't know. Don't worry, I'll find an occupation._

_I'm sure you'll do. Maybe you could rest for a change._ Rachel challenged her.

_Soooo boring…But yes, that was also on my list._

_Good girl,_ Rachel signed grinning and bent closer again, capturing the blonde's lips with her own. She trailed a hand along Quinn's naked chest and felt a shower race along her spine. Quinn's breasts turned her so on, she had to fight hard to hold back and not devour the other woman right there on the spot.

… … …

After Rachel had left, Quinn wandered around the apartment, not quite sure what to do with herself. It was about time she got back to work and she was looking forward to the following week when her director had allowed her to come back. Quinn wanted to start working earlier, but John had been adamant of her getting few more days of rest.

She passed her stereo and let a lazy finger trail over the backs of the CD cases. Then she wandered towards the bookshelf but didn't feel like reading. The TV also didn't hold any appeal.

Quinn decided to stretch her legs a bit and threw on her coat. The sun was out and it looked like a nice cold winter morning. Just as a precaution, she put a piece of paper and a pen into her purse before she took off.

Reaching the building door, she paused a moment on the threshold. Just like the night before, it felt weird to watch the life swirl around her without sound. However, yesterday she had Santana with her who had kept her occupied, and then Rachel who had helped her through this difficult situation with her patience and insights. Being with both women had provided Quinn with a sense of security.

Now the blonde stood there all by herself about to venture into the world without her hearing. She knew it only needed one movement with her hand and the spook would be over. Instead she grit her teeth and stepped out, almost being run over by three young boys who quickly raced past her trying to catch the bus that approached the nearby bus stop.

The blonde took a step backwards and felt the surface of the door against her back. She let out a deep breath. How was that for a start, hardly out for a second and she could account for an almost accident already.

How on earth did Rachel orient herself? Before taking another step, Quinn looked left and right before heading towards the park. Maybe that was safer for a start than navigating through the traffic. God, when had she become so skittish? She wasn't blind, this would have made orientation a lot more difficult, Quinn thought. Still, she felt somehow disconnected from the world.

The blonde stayed close to the buildings and kept looking around to assess the situation. It was exhausting to be constantly on alert, she noticed, when she finally reached the border of the park. The young woman found a bench and sat down.

She felt the pressure in her chest ease as soon as she was away from the people milling around the streets. Quinn leaned back and closed her eyes for a moment, only to open them again right away. Not a good idea. It shut her off completely.

Taking deep, measured breaths she tried to calm her beating heart. She almost felt the same as the evening with Rachel when she had had a panic attack. For god's sake, she had to get used to this.

She imagined Rachel sitting next to her, placing a calming hand on her thigh. That helped a little. But she would still have to make her way back to the apartment. That wasn't a prospect she was looking forward to. Why was this freaking her out so much? She wasn't even interacting with other people, she was just walking around. What was so disconcerting about it?

She fished out her phone and typed a message.

_Hi Rachel, I know you are busy, just wanted_   
_to give you a status update. I'm still breathing._   
_Currently sitting at Central Park. Hope your meeting_   
_goes well. Talk to you later. Love you!_   
_Q._

Against her expectation, she received an answer back right away.

Rachel was quick to read between the lines.

_Quinn, keep breathing. It helps against_   
_the anxiousness :-). Maybe you can imagine_   
_you're researching a new role. See it as method_   
_acting :-) You can do it! Miss you and see you soon!_   
_Rachel_

Quinn smiled.

_How do you always know what to say?_   
_Good idea that might help. Have I told you_   
_already that I love you? I'll cook something for_   
_you tomorrow evening, what do_   
_you feel like eating?_

The moment she sent the message, Quinn bit her lip. Her fridge was empty. Cooking for Rachel meant she had to go to the store and buy the things she needed. That meant interacting with other people. Nothing she was looking forward to. It was one thing to wander around by herself, but when it came to talking to other people… well, she didn't have to, necessarily. Not at the supermarket. Taking another deep breath, she thought that it was worth a try.

Method acting.

Right.

Quinn still wondered why she had such reservations about the whole situation. She had dealt with the topic of deafness for a couple of months now. She had learned a lot from Rachel. Still, when it came to experiencing deafness for herself, it seemed she started back at square one.

Just like the night before, she realized that there was a big difference between _imagining_ and actually _experiencing_ the disability. On the one hand she wondered why it had taken her so long to do this experiment; on the other hand she knew the answer very well.

She was scared.

Scared to admit to other people that she could not understand, scared to be pitied, scared to be looked upon as retarded, scared to be judged by a disability, even if it was self-imposed and only for a couple of days.

When she stood on the stage, she always subjected herself to judgment. But this was different. When acting, yes, she always poured a part of her soul into the role and always displayed bits of herself in that role in a way, but it was still another person she portrayed. She was someone else on stage. But here and now, it was not a role she was playing. She was herself.

Quinn was distracted for a moment by a young man walking by with headphones over his ears, bobbing his head in a secret rhythm. She looked after him, wondering what he was listening to.

When her feet started to get cold, she got up and decided to make her way home. The blonde was not sure when she would be able to tackle the supermarket, for now she just wanted to reach her apartment.

When she left the park at Columbus circle, she saw a crowd forming in front of the USS Main Monument. A couple of people stood in the middle. She wondered what was going on and stepped a little closer, despite her fear of being spoken to. Curiosity just won over.

She noticed the people in the middle moving their mouths. When looking around, observing the crowd, she found more and more people mimicking the same movements with their lips. Apparently they were singing something.

She looked back to the actual singers. They seemed quite young; maybe they were students from NYADA or Columbia. She felt she crowd shifting and turned around. A few more singers weaved their way through the growing throng of people. Quinn stepped back to make room for a young woman who was passing her singing. The crowed closed behind her again and the attention turned back towards the other singers.

When Quinn noticed that no one was going to talk to her, because everyone was concentrating on what was going on in the front, she relaxed slightly.

She observed the crowd and the singers with growing curiosity. There was a certain _something_ surrounding her and she wondered what it was. It was hard to find words to describe what she was experiencing. In her chest she felt a vibration and then a throbbing in her hands. She looked round. Almost everybody was singing around her. Her heart ached to pull out the earplugs and join them in whichever song they were singing. But she held on to her promise. Again the crowed parted, but on the other side of the circle the crowed had formed and five people with large drums entered the middle.

Quinn smiled. That was the throbbing she had felt. It was the vibration of the drumbeats. Fascinating! She looked at her hands. She had used them as her voice to talk to Rachel, to transmit words into signs, she had used them to write and paint, but she had no idea they could also conduct _sounds_.

Then she remembered the night before.

At the theater she had also felt the vibrations in her whole body. Depending on the instrument and how many were playing, the sensation had been more or less intense. When the whole orchestra was playing, there had been so many vibrations that her whole body seemed to pulsate with different frequences.

Now she felt the single beats of the drums and it made her heart beat faster.

She had goose bumps on her arms, when she noticed that all the voices around her could also be felt. Not as strong as the drums, but still, she felt the softer vibrations of the singing. She was standing next to a tall guy who was belting out notes with full force, or so it seemed, and when Quinn was pushed a little against him by the shifting crowd, she felt his whole body vibrate with his song.

The blonde let out a long breath. This must be what Rachel experienced every time they dragged her to a music event.

Quinn had forgotten to wonder about what song they were actually singing and how it sounded, she had been so distracted with her other discoveries.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the guy bend down, asking her something. She watched his lips move, but couldn't figure out what he was saying. Quinn pointed to her ears and shook her head. The man frowned, then shrugged and turned his attention back to the crowed.

The blonde let out another deep breath. She closed her eyes again for a few seconds, just as long as she could stand turning off another sense. That's when she noticed the pulsations also in her feet and legs.

After a few more moments she slowly moved to the edge of the crowed with a smile. Then she stopped and scribbled a question on the paper from her purse, gently tapping a woman on her arm.

Not knowing how loud it was around her, but guessing that it was probably hard to have a normal conversation, she showed her the paper.

_Can you tell me what song they are singing?_ Quinn had written down and then repeated the gesture she had applied with the man just moments ago.

The woman looked a bit skeptical, but when she understood, she took the pen and wrote down: _Ode to Joy_

Quinn took the writing utensils back. "Thank you," she said out loud with a smile and turned again towards the crowd. She watched the singers closely, trying to figure out the lyrics. She knew the song quite well and all of a sudden she caught on to the words. They were singing the refrain and she felt the melody and words bubble up inside her mind and chest. It was a strange feeling. She definitely didn't hear what the people were singing, but she felt the music inside her, she felt the continuous beat of the drums and it was as if she could feel the voices around her as well. She almost broke into song with the rest of them before she stopped herself.

With a start she stepped back and looked to the ground.

That was what Rachel must have felt when she sang with Kurt for the first time after her accident. When Rachel had seen Kurt's mouth form the words, when her mind had conjured up the music and her body had told her to just let it flow.

Quinn felt her chest constricting. Having caught on to the song, she still wanted to join the people, she wanted to raise her voice, she wanted to hear the other voices, and she wanted to be part of the whole experience.

It almost hurt when she realized what a physical reaction this longing caused in her body.

She turned and headed back into the park, where she sat for another moment on her solitary bench to get a grip on herself. She ignored the cold in her feet. Forcing herself to breath evenly, she finally managed to calm down.

Then she got an idea. She picked up her phone.

_Hi Kurt_

_I'm currently conducting a little self-experiment._   
_And I need a friend. If you don't have_   
_any plans right now, would you like to meet_   
_for a coffee? Quinn_

Kurt's answer took a moment and Quinn almost decided to go home when her phone finally buzzed.

_Hi Quinn, just came home from the gym._   
_What kinda experiment? I have time, it's my day_   
_off and Blaine has to rehears at the theater._   
_Just give me half an hour to shower and change._   
_Where do you want to meet?_

_Kurt_

Quinn suggested a small coffee shop close to her home. There was also a supermarket nearby and maybe she could ask Kurt to come along – just in case.

… … …

Quinn was already waiting for Kurt when he entered the shop. She waved and after he waved back he quickly made his way over to the counter to get a coffee for himself. He pointed at the cup and then at Quinn's. She shook her head. Her cup was still full. He nodded and paid after receiving his order.

After hugging each other, Kurt asked her something, but Quinn stalled him by holding up her hand. Then she explained to him the situation and what had led her to wear the earplugs again.

_I see,_ he signed and looked pensively at her. _I was wondering what this experiment you mentioned was all about._ _You really want to understand, don't you?_

Quinn nodded. "Yes. I do. And not just for a short moment. I noticed that there is a big difference between thinking you understand and really experiencing everything yourself. But even though it is "just pretend" for me, and I know I can end this experiment any moment, I was close to giving up twice today. I don't know how Rachel could do it all those days and weeks alone in the beginning, with no one to help her. Her dad's had not learned ASL then and she didn't have any of us with her. She was all by herself, not being able to communicate. Kurt, how did this not drive her crazy?"

_Quinn, I honestly don't know. I guess if you don't have a choice, you just … manage somehow._

He paused for a moment and then asked: _What happened to make you want to give up?_

The blonde explained about the almost panic attack and then her experience at Columbus Circle. Kurt asked a lot of questions about the latter and Quinn had to tell him every detail, especially how she had felt when she recognized the song and wanted to sing with the crowd.

_The way you describe it, I can sort of understand now how Rachel must have felt when we were at my apartment. Only that I kept teasing her and begging her to sing with me. Now in retrospective, maybe I was a little overzealous._

"What do you mean?" Quinn frowned and Kurt explained.

_I still had the confidence that she could sing, but I wasn't aware what she must have had to overcome and how she must have felt seeing me sing_ her _part,_ our _song…I mean, you could have heard yourself sing, at least, but Rachel didn't even have that little advantage. I'm just beginning to understand how hard it really must be to sing if you cannot even hear yourself. The way you described it and what you experienced, I never really thought about that in such detail…_ Kurt dropped his hands and looked at his coffee.

_A good friend I am,_ he then signed. _Maybe I should have tried it as well._ He pointed at her ears.

"Kurt, don't do that! You _are_ a good friend. And she did sing with you, didn't she?"

He nodded with a small smile. _Beautifully so._

"See. Rachel does not expect us to go through the same motion. Besides, we are all entitled to make mistakes."

Quinn placed a hand on Kurt's to get him to look up. Then she continued.

"She didn't want me to do this. She didn't ask me to do it. It was Santana's idea to experience the musical that way. But then I decided to accept the challenge a little longer. When Rachel found out, she wanted me to stop. I'm just glad I didn't. And you are a good friend, Kurt! Don't ever doubt yourself! You were the first one to learn ASL for her, even though she didn't want to see you in the beginning. This is something that only a really good friend would do!"

He gave her a crocked smile. Then he lifted his hands again after a moment.

_So, have you two made up? I talked to Rachel twice over Skype, but it would be nice to hear your side of the story as well._

When Kurt saw the smile and the look in Quinn's eyes, he knew the answer to his question already and he was happy for both of them.

The blonde shortly filled him in on the past days. She told him what they had discussed and how Rachel had taken care of her, despite the icy silence that had reigned between them before her tumble down the stairs.

When she finished, Kurt bent over and hugged Quinn for a long moment.

_I'm just glad you are working things out. It broke my heart seeing you both so down and depressed, knowing that the love between you two was still there._

"I know," Quinn sighed and smiled wistfully. "So, what are you up to? Anything exciting happening in your life, besides the drama your friends create around you?"

Kurt laughed. _No, and I'm glad that my personal life is currently uneventful. As you have already stated, you and Rachel have created enough drama for a while now. I'll be happy to plan our wedding and not having to crack my head open about how to seat you two at separate tables._

"Boy, am I glad too that we took that burden off your shoulders," Quinn chuckled. "When will you send out the invitations? I need to save the date, you know!"

_I know, we'll send them out in two weeks. The wedding date is May 6_ _th_ _._

"Oh, a spring wedding, how nice!"

_Yes, and let's pray that the weather will play nice as well!_

"I'm sure it will and in May it's usually a beautiful months and not too hot yet. Where will it be?"

_Surprise. Not telling!_

Quinn pouted. "Not fair!"

_Yes fair. Now that you already know my favorite wedding song, I will keep the location a secret for as long as possible._

"Oh, well, then you have to come with me to the supermarket to make up for it."

_Says who?_

"Says I!" And Quinn tried to put on her best and fiercest HBIC glare.

It made only Kurt grin wider, but he played along. _My, if the Queen herself says that then I have to obey_. And he indicated a small bow. Looking into her cup and finding it empty, he stood, holding out his arm: _Shall we, milady?_

Quinn laughed and got up. "God Kurt, I really missed you. Don't know how I survived all those years after school without you. Glad to have you back in my life!"

_Me too_ , and he squeezed her shoulders for emphasis.

* * *

**I have experienced this with the subtitles in the theater in my hometown. Usually they sing the operas in German, but in this particular production, whenever there was a repetition in a song, they sang it in Italian. There was a display attached above the stage where the written translation would run through then. That was very neat and thoughtful!**


	63. Chapter 63

**I am truly sorry for the long wait! I hope to upload the next chapter a bit quicker than this one. I didn't have much pre-written , and I needed to get some chapters done, this is why it took me so long.**

**Also, I want you to know that sloooooooooowly but surely I will round this story** **up** **. It'll probably find an ending around the time when Rachel's accident marks the one year milestone. I'm not saying I won't continue or write a sequel to that, I still have some ideas packed away…It's just that writing takes up so much time and next to a fulltime job, friends, my horse etc. I feel the need to take a breath.**

**I have neglected a couple of things – and people - over the past year and now that love also seems to be knocking on the door again (huge grin on my face** **) I want to spend some more time with that special person.**

**No need to panic though, if you are really interested, I promise I will continue with this a little further down the road. But for now, we still have some more chapters to go. So, sit back and relax!**

**Thank you all for your reviews and follows and favorites. They are a great reward for all the hard work!**

**I don't own Glee!**

* * *

**Chapter 63**

A couple of blocks over from where Quinn and Kurt were meeting after the blonde's experience at Columbus Circle, Rachel entered a small café. She let her eyes roam the tables to check if the other two women she was meeting had already arrived.

Her heart was beating a little faster than normal. She was a bit nervous to meet Kayla and her friend, but she was also excited, because she still thought that taking the deaf kids to see a musical could be a great project.

Rachel spotted the blonde, pretty nurse at a table in the corner talking to another woman. At the same time Kayla lifted her eyes and noticed Rachel standing near the entrance. She smiled and stood up.

Rachel took a deep breath and walked up to the table.

"Hello Kayla," she greeted her.

"Hi Rachel," the blonde answered and surprised the petite woman with a light hug as a way of greeting her. When she released her again, Rachel turned to the brunette who she guessed to be Kayla's friend, the teacher.

"Hi, I'm Rachel, Rachel Berry." The two women shook hands. Then Rachel draped her coat over the back of a free chair and sat down.

"Hi, I'm Helena and I'm happy to meet you. Thanks for agreeing to come!" Kayla's friend greeted Rachel, signed in parallel. She spelled her name first and then showed Rachel her personal name sign.

Rachel repeated it and then introduced her own name sign.

"That's a nice one, who gave it to you?" Helena asked and Rachel explained how and when she had been given it from her friend Lauren. Just when she finished telling the story a waiter approached and they placed their orders.

When Kayla started to recapture for Helena how she had met Rachel, Helena naturally interpreted so the young woman could follow the conversation.

"As I've told you, I met Rachel at the hospital and when I learned that she was a singer on Broadway I thought, well, maybe she would be someone you could talk to about your project. She was kind enough not to be offended when I approached her with that rather personal request," Kayla smiled in Rachel's direction.

"No, it just took me by surprise. I was going through a rough time and it took me a little off guard, but in the end I felt that it was a great idea and that I _could_ probably help you out."

Helena nodded. The teacher knew that it was undoubtedly not easy for the petite woman to come here and offer her help, so she appreciated the gesture a lot.

"When and how did you lose your hearing?" She then asked gently.

Rachel swallowed. "I was in a car accident in March last year. The cab I was in got hit by a truck when I was on my way home from a photo shoot for the musical I was working at."

"Working "at" is probably an understatement! She had the lead role in Funny Girl!" Kayla exclaimed and Rachel blushed slightly when she saw the interpretation of those words.

"Really?" Helena was truly impressed. She had talked to Kayla only shortly on the phone before when the blonde told her that she had gotten to know someone who might be perfect to support her with her Broadway idea. However, they had not had much time to discuss the details. Helena didn't know why, but she had expected that _someone_ to be a stage hand or have a minor role. She definitely had not expected to have the former lead singer of one of the best performing musicals sitting in front of her.

Rachel's answer brought her back from her musings.

"Well, yes. It has always been my dream role since my childhood and … I'm just glad that I managed to at least get the chance to play Fanny for a short while," Rachel answered.

"I'm sorry that this accident forced you to end your career," the teacher commented gently, feeling for the young woman sitting in front of her.

Rachel inclined her head. Then, after a little pause, she asked: "Tell me a bit about yourself and this idea of yours."

"Ok. I'm a teacher at the Lexington School for the Deaf in Jackson Heights for the past five years. I teach History, Art and English at the middle school classes. Now, you might be wondering how someone could get this crazy idea of taking a whole school class of deaf children to see a musical," Helena stated laughing a little.

"Actually, yes!" Rachel chuckled and Helena continued signing and talking in parallel while she explained the birth of her idea.

"Growing up close to the city or at least visiting a school in the vicinity, of course most of the kids know what Broadway stands for and my ten year olds kept bugging me about it. They asked again and again if we couldn't go to a show one day. Some have hearing siblings and of course they know from them that some schools take classes to the theater on field trips occasionally. And kids being kids, most of them don't see their handicap as such a huge obstacle as adults do. Mainly, because most of them grow up with it, and also because mostly they don't set themselves the same boundaries adults do. They have a much more open mind to try things out. I want to keep that spirit alive in them. I want them to grow up and do stuff, not being hindered by thoughts like "oh, this is just for the hearing!" She took a sip of her coffee and looked at Rachel. "Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yes. Yes I do understand and I like that thought!" Rachel remembered her birthday at the Perfect Beat Club and how her friends had pulled her along – _them_ having the same mindset as Helena, thinking that this Club was not just something for the hearing.

Kayla watched the interaction between the two women and thought that the chemistry between Helena and Rachel seemed to fit. She didn't know Rachel very well yet, but from what she had seen, she felt that the young woman was open enough as well to try new things and that she had the necessary spunk to connect with the kids. She hoped that this experience would be a positive one for the young woman as well.

Rachel quickly glanced at Kayla and smiled. She liked Helena and her way of thinking.

Helena's moving hands caught her attention again.

"This is how this whole idea started to take form. I have never been much of a musical goer myself, I have to admit. Not because I don't like them, it's mostly because of time. Anyway, as I don't have much experience with it, I thought it would be helpful to have someone come to our school; someone who knows something about the business who could explain a little bit about it. The kids are so curious, they probably have a million questions, so beware," she finished laughing.

Rachel laughed as well. "I can imagine. I recently met the ten year old daughter of a …ah… friend and oh boy, she was drilling holes into my brain!" Helena nodded with a knowing look and laughed again. "But she was great," Rachel continued, "because she asked me very directly about my deafness and what it was like not to be able to hear. I liked her being so direct and open about it."

"Well, you won't have to worry about that with my class. Believe me, those kids are not shy either," Helena stated and Rachel thought she detected a little pride in the teachers expression.

Rachel spooned some of the soy milk froth from her coffee into her mouth. Looking at Helena over the rim of her glass when taking a sip, she sensed that there was another question coming and had a pretty good idea what it would be about. She decided to take the initiative.

"You might wonder if I have ever been back at the theater since my accident." She watched Helena nod. "The answer is, yes, I have."

Kayla smiled at her encouragingly. She remembered what Rachel had told her in the hospital.

The petite brunette told the teacher about how she had visited _Bohemiens_ and Quinn's concert at the Avery Fisher Hall. She told her as well about her most recent experience with her friends at the _Golden_ musical.

"Jesus, you didn't take it exactly slow, did you?" Helena exclaimed.

"No, I guess not, now that you're saying it." Rachel slowly shook her head.

Kayla tapped her on her arm and asked: "Wasn't that difficult for you to go there after all what happened?"

Rachel's eyes wandered between the blonde's lips and Helena's hands back and forth.

"Yes, it was. But I'm glad I did it anyway and I'm glad my friend – Santana…"

"The friend you were looking for at the hospital?" Kayla interrupted for clarification.

"Uhu, yes, the same. She took me to the musicals." Remembering, Rachel tried to find an adequate description. "It felt like being thrown into ice cold water, the first time I went back. You know, when the water is so cold that you don't seem to be able to breathe properly in the beginning, but slowly you get used to the temperature?"

Both women nodded.

"But you seemed to learn quickly how to swim," Helena commented with a knowing glance.

Rachel wagged her head from left to right. "Sort of. There's a little more to it, as you can imagine."

"Does that have something to do with the rough times you mentioned?"

"Yes, partly," Rachel admitted, but did not want to give more details, thinking of the reason why she went to see _Golden_ with Santana and Quinn and all that happened to lead to that special visit. She focused back on the actual topic.

"Anyway, however hard it was, all these experiences helped me now to see how I could support you and your class. I already told Kayla that I have the experience of both worlds. I know from scratch how a musical is produced, what goes on _on_ stage and _off_. And..." she hesitated for a moment. "I know how a deaf person would experience watching a musical."

Rachel looked up into the green eyes of the teacher. Suddenly she felt a little like being at an audition. Only that she was auditioning for them most uncommon role of her life.

_Deaf Broadway Expert_.

She almost had to laugh at the irony of it all.

Kayla watched her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just that when looking back the past ten months, it's just incredible what has happened in that short time. I thought my life had ended when I woke up in the hospital. I thought I never wanted to have anything to do with music and here I am now, talking to you about helping deaf kids experience a Broadway musical."

"Well, life can be full of surprises." Helena looked at her smiling.

She liked the courageous young woman who sat in front of her. There was something about her that made Helena believe that she could be the perfect person for her project. She evidently had had her shares of struggles and set-backs, that was obvious, but the way she presented herself, the experiences she had shared and the sincerity she displayed intrigued the teacher.

"I think you would be a wonderful help." She said after a moment.

"Really?" Rachel exclaimed, excited, looking from Helena to Kayla and back again.

Helena nodded. "How about we sit together Thursday, if you have time, to discuss some more details. Maybe you can think in the meantime about what would be interesting for the kids to know. We could also think about creating the session with them a little interactive. We don't necessarily have to go to visit the show at the same time; we can do that also on two different days. It would probably be easier if they knew the story beforehand to follow it along. Just think about what would work best. Maybe you also have an idea of a musical you might want to take them to."

"This sounds great, Helena!" Rachel was really excited and happy that Helena seemed to think she could be a great help in supporting her class with her idea.

The first time since the accident Rachel had the feeling of being needed – besides in her relationship – of having a special expertise only she could provide. It was a great project and she hoped that in the end it would be a positive experience for all of them. It finally gave her a sense of purpose again, especially knowing that her rare combination of experiences turned her into such a valuable support.

They ordered another round of coffee and Helena asked Rachel if she had found it weird that Kayla had approached her with that private and personal topic.

"Let's say, I didn't expect it. It seemed like she recognized me when I was first trying to find out what happened to Quinn – my girlfriend. She was admitted to the hospital New Year's Eve. Kayla was on duty in the emergency room," Rachel explained not sure about how much Helena knew about their first encounter. "Kayla didn't say anything then and there during that night. She just helped me get information on Quinn and laid in a good word with the station nurse so we could visit her once she was finished with all her examinations. Only the next day, when I came back to her to thank her for her help, Kayla asked me if I was interested in helping a friend of hers. All in all I'm glad she did."

"I told Kayla about my idea since she likes going to the musicals so much."

"Well, whenever my schedule permits it," Kayla added.

Helena nodded and continued. "I thought that she might have an idea how to find someone who I could talk to. That she'd hit the jackpot right away, I would have never dared to dream." Helena laughed.

She pushed her long, brown curls over her shoulder and her green eyes gleamed. She really had the feeling that with Rachel she might have the perfect person for her class and to convince the director of the school to give her the permission to take the kids to a musical.

"Do you already have an idea about which musical you'd like to take them?" Kayla asked, again drawing Rachel's attention to her by touching her elbow.

"No, not sure yet. I have a few ideas, but I need to think them through. Guess love stories would be out of the question for ten year olds." That would eliminate Quinn's musical from the list. It would have been great, because obviously she knew the lead actress so well and it would have been very convenient that this particular actress was also almost fluent in sign language. But for kids she would have to find a more interesting one.

"Well, love stories don't necessarily have to be discarded. It depends on the overall story and how – let's say 'deeply involved' – the characters are with each other." Rachel and Kayla had to laugh.

"Well, the one I was thinking of does not contain anything else besides kissing."

Helena laughed. "Well, I guess that is what all of them have seen already. Though I remember when I was younger, I always laughed at adults in movies – or my parents - whenever they were kissing."

Kayla and Rachel looked at each other, made a face and said at the same time: "Ugh, kissing!" And then started laughing as well.

The conversation turned to their childhood memories they had when being around the same age Helena's pupils where and what they liked and disliked then.

In the end, Rachel was relatively relaxed in the two women's presence.

Helena's signing made it easy to be a full part of the conversation and not once did she have the feeling to be left out. With Helena's profession this should not come as a surprise, but Kayla was also very considerate and tried to get Rachel's attention every time before she spoke or made a comment, even though she knew the other woman would have to look back to Helena for the interpretation.

The petite woman was grateful for the positive experience and was even more grateful that she had found the courage to open herself up to it.

When they said good-bye after two hours, Rachel was reassured that it had been a good decision to offer her support. It might actually benefit all of them.

Kayla had helped her friend finding someone to talk to. Rachel could help Helena – and herself in a way – to plan this project and Helena might help her pupils. So all in all there were a lot of "win-wins" in that whole situation. This thought made Rachel smile and it carried her all the way home back to her apartment.

… … …

Rachel felt like she needed an evening in her own bed, but she missed Quinn at the same time. After the past days, being with her during the whole day, discussing, sharing things and getting closer again, she now felt strangely alone. Not like before, when her heart had felt like it could never heal and no other person in the whole world could mend it. Tonight it felt different.

It felt… quiet. It was strange to use that word. It was literally always quiet around her. And she remembered she had felt like that once before.

Rachel noticed at that moment that whenever she was around Quinn and Santana with their successful attempts of signing or writing, it seemed like there was no real silence that stood between them.

To think she almost would have thrown this precious gift away out of false pride and prejudice made her almost duck her head again in shame. Instead, she lifted her chin and told herself that even though she had made a mistake, she was proud of herself to have learned from it and that she had managed to find a way back to where she belonged.

And in a way it was funny. When looking back over the past months, she had not only found her way back, she had also found new friends, had made new acquaintances, found the love of her life and had been to the theater again. And she had sung two songs.

All in all, it almost sounded like a normal life, looking at it that way. She laughed when she remembered Quinn saying _You were never normal, Rachel,_ just a few days ago.

Rachel's phone buzzed in her coat pocket when she entered her apartment.

_Hey busy woman! How did it go?_   
_Don't let me wait; I want to hear all the details!_   
_Quinn_

Rachel smiled. Perfect timing.

_It went well, Kayla's friend is really_  
nice and it sounds like a great project.  
 _She would like me to help! We'll meet_  
 _again next week to discuss more details._  
 _It really seems like a wonderful chance!_  
 _How was your day?_  
 _R._

_I'm really happy for you, Rachel! And I'm_   
_so proud of you that you're going to do this._   
_My day was good. Tell you about it some other time._

Rachel smiled at the praise when her phone vibrated again.

_If you happen to be fee tomorrow morning,_   
_would you like some company for breakfast?_   
_I could bring some Bagels._

Rachel did not have to think twice. They had agreed to spend the night each at their own apartment to give themselves some time to digest the past days. But that didn't mean that they had set a time limit of how long that "digestive" break would be.

_Hm, tough question, lemme think…_ Rachel teased and the texts went back and forth in rapid succession.

_Think quicker Ms Berry!_

_Ok, I have reached a decision._

_Soooooo?_

Rachel had to laugh and typed just one word in response.

_Impatient!_

Quinn's answer came right away.

_Yes. That's me. So come on, say it!_

_I mean, if you want to say no, it's ok. I  
can understand, Rachel._

The brunette was surprised about the sincere tone their exchange had taken on. It was a clear sign that they were still treading carefully around each other.

Was she stalling? Was she hesitating to give Quinn an answer because she was afraid to say the truth?

Rachel definitely wanted to spend more time with Quinn and she definitely wanted to see her. But she was a little apprehensive about having more discussions. They had been important and she knew they had not covered all issues yet, but the two of them also needed some fun time together in between. The dinner with Lauren and Max had been such a nice way of getting closer together and sharing something important again.

Rachel thought about a way to have breakfast and combine it with something fun and enjoyable. It had to be something that accommodated Quinn with her still limited ability to move.

… … …

Quinn realized that she held the phone really tight in her hand; so tight that her knuckles were showing white. She forced herself to loosen her grip. Why was Rachel taking so long to answer such a simple question?

Well, in fact in hadn't been that long, just four minutes, but they seemed like an eternity for the blonde. While waiting for Rachel's answer, Quinn thought back to her experience in the afternoon. Part of her wanted to share what she had realized that afternoon, but another part still had to process the whole event and it would not have been easy to find words to explain it to anyone. She would tell Rachel, but she need this evening to analyze it first on her own before sharing it with anyone else.

Finally a little jingle alerted her of a new incoming message and pulled her out of her thoughts.

_Sorry, for letting you wait. Wasn't on purpose,_   
_but I thought we might want to spend some quality_   
_time together without the 'heavy analysis' for a change._

_Let's have breakfast, but a bit differently._

On the other side of the line, unbeknown to Quinn, a small smile spread across Rachel's lips when thinking about her plan.

_How different?_ Quinn wanted to know.

_You'll see! Trust me?_

It took a moment for Quinn to answer back. Then she sent a simple word.

_Yes._

That was all Rachel needed.

Quinn wondered what she had planned. Did she trust her? It wasn't just a question in regards to the breakfast. This question had more weight and the blonde knew that Rachel had not posted it lightheartedly.

She trusted Rachel. While her mind was still a bit weary, her heart shouted yes.

… … …

Quinn appreciated the thoughtfully executed breakfast plan from Rachel very much.

She was surprised when the brunette picked her up with a rental car.

_You rented a car?_ She asked astonished, not having thought their breakfast would take place further away.

_Yes. If it were warmer we could have walked, maybe, but now this just seems to be more comfortable,_ Rachel explained.

The former singer had registered with a car share company. It could all be done online, so there was not language barrier for her. Rachel had figured that it could be quite useful in case she needed a car. And why not use the service for some fun stuff.

Puck had told her about the company and after a little research and reassurance from her friend, she had signed up to become a user. This way she could reserve a car from the pool for a certain time and the fee would be booked on her credit card. With a phone app she was able to open the special locks and the keys to start the car were in the glove compartment. There were several spots where to pick up and drop off the car and they were convenient to find.

The car had to be brought back to one of the parking garages with a full tank of gas. Insurance and other organizational costs (like cleaning, check-ups etc.) where covered in the fee.

Rachel had bought some croissants for the breakfast and had prepared a fruit salad as well as coffee in a thermos. Quinn decided to add some muffins into the basked.

The brunette packed up her girlfriend and drove with her across Brooklyn Bridge to park on the other side of the river. This way they had a great view over the city that was slowly bathed in the golden light of the sun that fought its way through the clouds.

Rachel had figured that Quinn might be glad to get out of her apartment, but without having to move too much. This way they could also stay in the relative warmth of the car and still enjoy a great view. And they had the necessary privacy without any other people around.

Quinn's eyes gleamed when she took in the skyline of the city in front of her. They had parked at Joralmont Street in Brooklyn, right at the Brooklyn Bridge Park Pier 5. Through the empty Volleyball courts they could see the skyline of the city. Parking with a view of the skyline was difficult to find and this spot would hopefully give them some time without being hassled by traffic patrol.

Quinn placed her coffee in the cup holder between the seats.

_Thank you Rachel, this is a wonderful surprise!_

_You're welcome,_ Rachel answered with her hands around a piece of croissant she had just wanted to pop into her mouth. She sensed that Quinn wanted to tell her something, but gave the blonde her own time to come up with the words. Every time Quinn got that certain look on her face, when she got that little frown between her eyebrows and that pensive expression, Rachel knew that she was working up something to discuss.

Sure enough, a couple of moments later, Quinn slowly started to tell Rachel about her experience from the day before. The way she had felt when first venturing out of the apartment, sitting in the park when she had sent her the message. And the she told her about her experience during the flash mob at Columbus circle. Rachel put her coffee down and gave Quinn her full attention, feeling that it had been a very important experience for the blonde.

When the other woman came to the point to where she had realized just how Rachel had come to sing with Kurt, the blonde had tears in her eyes. Talking about her experience evoked the whole range of feelings from the day before again and when Quinn felt Rachel's hand on her arm she saw that the brunette also had to fight back the tears.

_Rachel, I think I understand now how you must have felt and how it … must have happened that you sang with Kurt. When I was standing there in the crowd, it was the most amazing thing to have all these sensations, but when I realized what song they were singing and when I latched on to the words, with the melody just popping into my head, I felt like I could hardly hold back my voice. I was so torn between longing and fear and excitement and disappointment. It was just all a big…_ she moved her hands in circles around her chest … _I don't know, like a big melting pot of feelings. It was so hard to bear._

Rachel didn't answer. Finally she signed two simple words: _I know._

Then she held out her arms and Quinn fell into her embrace, letting the tears flow freely. Quinn didn't know why she was still so upset by what she had experienced, but it felt to her like a very deep revelation, something important, a truth she had discovered that brought her a step closer to Rachel. Rachel's comforting arms told her that she understood completely.

The brunette knew how Quinn had felt. But she didn't pry on it, she just let it stand, she didn't diminish her experience by comparing it to her own situation. She just gave Quinn the room and time and hold she needed to process this whole experience. With that she acknowledged the intensity of what the blonde was going through, never questioning it despite the temporary nature of her deafness.

Quinn was indefinitely grateful for that gesture.

When she pulled back after a moment, Rachel handed her a tissue.

_Better now?_ She brunette asked then gently.

Quinn nodded. Both knew that she would still need to work this out a little longer.

_I know why you couldn't tell me. I wasn't able to tell you either last night. It was so intense that I needed some time to work it out, to let it sink in._ Quinn sniffed and wiped her nose again. _It was very brave that you tried to tell me while I was falling asleep, unfortunately. But I can really understand now why you didn't find the courage in the morning. Especially with me having no clue how you really must have felt_.

Rachel smiled. _I could have tried to explain._

Quinn shook her head _. It's ok. I understand better now why you didn't._

The two women looked at each other for a long moment, before Rachel bent forward and kissed Quinn.

_Thank you for doing this. For you and for me._ She simply said.

Instead of an answer, Quinn bent forward, wincing slightly and then ignoring the slight pain in her side.

She reached out and pulled Rachel closer capturing those full lips with her own to share another passionate kiss.

When they pulled apart, both a little breathless, Quinn thanked all heavens for having had the chance to make up with Rachel. She couldn't imagine her life with anyone else. For the first time in a relationship she felt like she could really let go, she could be herself.

The blonde looked at Rachel from the side. It felt really nice to be cared for, she thought. She had always been independent, trying to get through things on her own. Even after her accident in high school she had tried to learn to do as much as possible for herself as quickly as possible to get back to school. But in this situation now, knowing that there was someone who truly cared about her, who tried to make her as comfortable as possible, someone who put her own problems aside to help her, Quinn felt like she could let herself fall for the first time in her life.

Rachel had pushed her away and it had hurt like hell, but now, when she really needed her, both on a physical and emotional level, Rachel came back, overcame her own troubles and was there for her.

And Quinn knew she would do the same for her.

All of a sudden a wave of calmness and peace settled over her. It was a moment of perfect bliss.

The patches of blue sky, the few remaining white clouds, the city of their dreams in front of them and the person she loved at her side, what more could she wish for? Quinn was just enjoying that moment; she forgot thoughts about the past and about the future.

She closed her eyes. "This is so perfect," she whispered.

Rachel had leaned against the car door with her back to watch Quinn. She saw her mouth move, but couldn't make out the words. Her eyes moved a little upwards to take in the blonde's peaceful express and she didn't need to hear the words. Carefully she placed her cup next to Quinn's, slowly leaned forward and stroke her fingers lightly across the other woman's cheek. Then she raked them through the blonde locks and started massaging her scalp.

Quinn kept her eyes closed, enjoying the caresses. She started to smile.

_That feels good,_ she signed, still with her eyes closed and she started purring.

Rachel felt the vibrations in her hand when she placed it at the back of Quinn's neck and started laughing.

_If I wouldn't know any better, I'd say you sound like a cat,_ the brunette signed after tapping Quinn on the arm to get her to open her eyes.

_M-E-O-W_ , Quinn finger-spelled and Rachel laughed even more.

This is what she wanted. Some laughter, being relaxed around each other, enjoying the moment without any worries. Even if it was just for a moment, but this was much needed.

_Come here,_ Quinn signed after a moment and pulled Rachel down into her lap. The Brunette quickly placed the cups on the dashboard and did as she was told.

Quinn repeated Rachel's massage and the brunette sighed.

_Hope no one walk_ _s_ _by, they might think I'm giving you a blow job,_ she joked and Quinn started laughing, quickly holding her ribs that were still hurting.

The blonde pulled at Rachel's hair. _Stop making me laugh. Not good,_ she signed smiling.

"Sorry," Rachel murmured with a not so sorry looking grin plastered on her face.

Quinn poked her in the cheek.

_Liar!_

The comment caused Rachel's grin to grow wider and Quinn thought she would drown in those eyes that looked at her with such mischief.

In between teasing and touching and some kissing they finished their breakfast undisturbed. Rachel then drove them back into town.

Quinn admitted that the idea of having some quality time just enjoying the moments with each other had been much needed.

… … ...

When having finished the last crumb of their breakfast, they drove back to Rachel's apartment. Quinn decided that the walk from the parking garage was short enough, so she went with Rachel to drop off the car. Quinn plopped on the comfortable couch in the living room. She watched Rachel busy herself in the kitchen making some tea. After a moment the blonde got up and walked up to her girlfriend. She placed a light hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

Rachel jumped a little at the unexpected touch. She was lost in thoughts, thinking about how nice the morning had been. With a questioning look she turned to Quinn.

The blonde started signing: _I talked to Shelby last night. She_ _and Beth_ _are_ _coming to New York for_ _my_ _birthday in February._

Rachel smiled smugly. _I know! They told me when we skyped the other day. Beth must be really excited about it._

_Yes, apparently she keeps bugging her mom to buy like a million musical tickets and she wants to go to every single one of them,_ Quinn described smiling fondly, but kept a close eye on Rachel's reaction. She didn't want to say it at first, but as the brunette had pointed out before; they needed to address those things.

Rachel smiled at her. Not a big smile, but a smile at least.

_I can imagine. If she is half of a Broadway aficionado like I am - was - she better use the short visit here well. What does she want to see?_

_Pippin, Wicked and Spring Awakening. Though I'm not sure if she has the appropriate age for that one. She'll have to choose one of them, I guess, otherwise we won't see much of her._

_True,_ Rachel chuckled.

Quinn noticed that Rachel had started to smile and laugh a lot more again. She herself felt much lighter in her heart and that made it so much easier to smile for her, too.

_Do you have any plans for your birthday yet?_ The brunette's hands interrupted her thoughts.

Rachel better found out sooner than later because she herself had some ideas already. And for that she needed some time during that weekend, best if on the same day of Quinn's birthday. And she was quite sure, that Beth would like Quinn's birthday surprise as well. So she needed to take the arrangements into her hand, if Quinn hadn't organized something yet.

_No, I haven't had time to think about it yet. There is still enough time. Why?_ She looked suspiciously at Rachel.

The brunette shrugged. _Ok, just wanted to know_.

Quinn kept looking at her. When Rachel wanted to turn to get some cups, the blond held her by the arm. _Wait a minute here. I know that look. What is going on?_

"Nothing, really!"

_Miss Rachel Berry, stop right here. You are planning something and I want to know what!_

_"_ Not telling you-houuuu," Rachel teased in a sing-sang voice without singing and turned away to escape Quinn's questions.

Rachel had already a plan in her head for Quinn's birthday. Now that she knew they would have guests, she either could include them in her plans or would have to plan around them. But it would be much more fun to make Shelby and Beth part of her surprise.

Grinning she reached for the mugs and dodged Quinn's hand that tried to grab her to get her attention. Shaking her head, she signed: _No matter how much you are trying, I won't say anything, so save your breath Quinn Fabray!_

Quinn pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest. When Rachel finally decided to meet her eyes again, the blonde spelled only one word with her fingers.

_M-E-A-N._

The brunette quirked an eyebrow and lifted one corner of the mouth in a half grin.

_I K-N-O-W._ She answered the same way, planting little kisses on Quinn's lips, until this coaxed a smile from her.

_You know, you were also very elusive about your plans for my birthday. Let's just say I pay you the same respect_. Rachel then signed.

Quinn poked Rachel lightly in the stomach and mouthed "Funny," without signing, because they were still sitting so close and she didn't want to pull away.

The brunette chuckled. She was excited about her own idea and she knew her friends would help her with the planning. She would do everything to make this birthday very special for Quinn, to show her again how much she really loved her.

* * *

**Ok, I know that parking close to the Brooklyn Bridge Park is probably nearly impossible and parking in general is a nightmare in NYC or around it. That was the only place I could find and think of with a view on the skyline.**

**Oh, and I have no idea if you can create foam with soy milk. I just took some artistic license** **here** **, if it shouldn't be possible.**


	64. Chapter 64

**Disclaimer: You know… don't own Glee… though the story idea is mine..**

**Many thanks for your reviews and personal messages! Also again to all the followers and people who favorite this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 64**

Quinn and Rachel spent almost every day and most of the nights together while the blonde was still at home recuperating.

After four days of wearing the earplugs, Rachel urged the blonde to end her experiment. Except for little breaks during the night, Quinn had worn them very bravely without complaint. They were sitting at the kitchen counter at Rachel's apartment and just had some coffee. Rachel's reasoning that the singer had to practice her voice if she wanted to start working again soon, finally made Quinn give in.

Rachel slightly tilted her head and watched her girlfriend closely when the blonde pulled the ear plugs out.

Quinn closed her eyes and savored the moment.

It was a strange feeling at first and it took a moment to tune back into the hearing world and to actually recognize what she was hearing.

First thing she noticed was Rachel's breathing. Then she heard the faint traffic through the closed windows. Next came a clonk from the neighbors above them who had apparently dropped something heavy on the floor.

Finally Quinn opened her eyes and smiled at Rachel.

"Say something," Quinn said quietly while signing along. It was weird hearing her own voice again and not just in her head as she had before with the ear plugs.

This was what she was looking forward to the most. Hearing Rachel's voice again.

Rachel bent forward a bit and then whispered with a smile: "I love you." And moving a little more she touched Quinn's lips with her own.

The blond heard herself moan when she felt Rachel's lips on hers combined with the sound of her voice that graced her ears after what felt way more than just four days.

When they parted, Quinn moved her hands.

_I have missed your voice. Just like last time when you had that horrible cold and were not allowed to speak._

_S_ he pointed at Rachel with her palm facing forward, then moved her hand with her index finger and middle finger forming a V forward, away from her own throat _Your voice,_ she closed her eyes, savoring the sound that still echoed in her mind, _is still the best sound ever._

Rachel chuckled. "Glad you still think that way," she answered, trying to keep the volume down.

Then she watched Quinn throwing a confused look around the kitchen.

Rachel cocked her head. "What's wrong?"

_Something is ticking._

Rachel looked around as well. She didn't have a clock in the room so she had no idea where the noise could be coming from. Then she spotted her watch on top of the fridge. She had totally forgotten that it was lying there as she hardly ever wore it.

"The only thing that could be ticking is either a time bomb, but I guess that is out of the question, or my watch. But I guess it's too far away to hear it, or isn't it?" Rachel pointed at it frowning.

Quinn turned, hopped off the chair and stepped closer to the fridge. Then she nodded.

_Yes, that's it._

Rachel was impressed. "You could hear that from this side of the counter?"

Quinn nodded. _Sometimes things enhance noises, maybe the fridge bounces off the ticking sound a little. Funny._

She turned back to Rachel who had a pensive look on her face.

The brunette contemplated Quinn's thoughts. She noticed that she seemed to lose the ability to judge the relation of sounds and distances. It was hard to remember how loud a licking watch really was.

It scared her. Would she lose more knowledge about sounds, especially little sounds that usually only played in the background? She needed to pay more attention to those little things, she decided _._

"Tell me everything you notice, now that you can hear again. I…. I want to know. Really."

Quinn heard the underlying urgency in Rachel's voice and realized that the brunette needed this information. Even though she might be able to remember music and notes and voices and other sounds, didn't meant that she would not start to forget sounds over time that did not play such an important role in her life, like the ticking of a watch. Or the dripping of a faucet, which was the next sound that alerted Quinn.

Just four days without sound and a simple apartment could become a source of acoustic wonders.

Her footsteps on the wooden floor, the creaking of the chair, the noises from the apartment above them, the honking of a passing car – everything almost sounded like music. She moved her hands through the air to translate the sounds into signs for Rachel. Then, after wandering around the room for a moment, Quinn stood in the middle of the living room, closing her eyes again.

She had a curious look on her face and Rachel found it fascinating to watch her girlfriend tune back into the world of sounds. Even though she felt a pang in her heart for not being able to enjoy the same privilege, she was happy that Quinn savored the moment so much, that she appreciated her hearing even more than before.

Rachel felt herself smile as she watched the blonde turn slowly around her own axis, still with her eyes closed, her arms a little outstretched as if to capture the sounds with her hands. Rachel was sure that it was an unconscious gesture, but she didn't find it less endearing.

Once she opened her eyes again, she found Rachel's eyes on her.

"Finding your way back into the world of sound?" Rachel asked gently.

Quinn exhaled. _Yes. It's… hard to describe._ She watched her girlfriend, still a little unsure how far her descriptions should go.

"Try," she encouraged her.

_Everything seems enhanced, seems a bit more intense. It feels like the sounds give more structure, more live to … everything._ She smiled apologetically as soon as she signed the last sentence. _I mean, it's not that I didn't feel alive, I meant that…_

"That you notice life where you don't necessarily see it." Rachel finished for her when Quinn was again searching for the right words. "Like knowing what is going on outside by hearing the sounds of the cars etc., without even looking."

_Yes, that's it._

Rachel nodded. "You want to explore that life outside these four walls?"

Quinn hesitated. _Maybe. You feel like going out for a walk?_

"Quinn, this is your call. _You_ are adjusting, so we will take it at _your_ pace, ok?"

Quinn loved Rachel so much in that moment. She gave her all the time she needed, without pressuring her or making this experience seem unimportant in any way for her, never referring to herself and how she could not participate in the same exercise. The only thing Rachel had requested was that Quinn told her about her experience, which was fair enough.

She walked towards the brunette and hugged her, before agreeing.

_Ok. I would like to go outside for a while._

"Sure, come on." Rachel hopped off the bar stool and grabbed Quinn by the hand, pulling her towards the door. There she turned, facing her girlfriend.

She was curious and excited for Quinn. It was interesting to watch her take in her surroundings with a new sense of appreciation and the blonde did not falter one minute to answer all of Rachel's questions. Rachel wanted to know how it felt, she wanted to know how it was, what Quinn experienced, how the sounds were for her, if there was something different in comparison to before.

"Keep telling me what you feel and hear, please." She asked almost shyly.

Quinn wondered at the change of tone, but then realized that it probably still was not easy for Rachel to request that, especially after her try to ignore the hearing part of the world. She was perhaps afraid that it might seem strange in Quinn's eyes that she request that.

The blonde cupped the petite woman's cheek and kissed her gently. Then she tucked a strand of dark hair behind Rachel's ear.

_I will. Don't ever be afraid of asking for it, ok?_

Rachel looked eyes with Quinn and tried to read her emotions. Then she nodded after a moment.

"Ok. I will."

Quinn smiled and helped her girlfriend into her coat.

Once they entered the busy street in front of Rachel's building, everything seemed too loud and the blonde wished she had a button where she could turn the volume of her surroundings down. A car honking next to her made her jump and she had to fight the urge to place her hands over her ears. An ambulance with blaring sirens almost made her run back into the relative quiet of the apartment building.

Jesus, the world was noisy.

Even though it had only been four days, Quinn found that in the first moments outside, it took quite some concentration to coordinate the impressions of both her main senses, seeing and hearing, again. Where she had only relayed on her eyes for days, she now had the accompanying sounds to go with. And it gave her world so much more depth and dimension again. She tried to explain it to Rachel.

"I know what you mean," the brunette answered. "It's as if you suddenly perceive the world in 3D again."

_Yes. That's it._

They continued to wander around the neighborhood for a little while. Quinn got more and more used to the sounds and volume again. As happy as she felt to have her complete senses again, as sad she was for Rachel.

_Is it hard for you to watch me appreciate sounds again?_

Rachel was at first surprised at the question, then thought for a moment about it.

"Well, it depends on how I look at it. For the most part, no. It's not hard. It's wonderful and interesting and since we are talking about it so openly with you describing everything that you are going through, I can appreciated it. There will always be a part of me that wishes I could do the same, but I try not to dwell on it too much. That already gave me more heartache than anything else."

Quinn placed a kiss on Rachel's cheek and then turned fully around to stand in front of her, enveloping her in a warm embrace. The brunette leaned into the touch.

_How were the four days for you with me not being able to hear?_

"I had to get used to the fact that I just couldn't talk to you or that I couldn't ask you some simple things in regards to sounds or conversations. Somehow, and I know it might sound strange after," she waved her hand, "the past weeks…, but I felt deprived of something with you being deaf. In a way it was also a good exercise for me to find that out."

_But what if I had just become deaf?_

"Then we would have adapted, I'm sure, but this wasn't the case here. I knew it was only temporary, but it was really interesting to learn how you experienced everything."

Quinn waited for a moment, then asked: _Do I sense a 'but'?_

Rachel paused a moment, before she said with eyes full of emotion:

"Well, I like you as a hearing person."

Quinn hugged Rachel again and kissed her on the head. "Thank you," she mouthed while she still held her girlfriend in her arms.

They continued down the street until Rachel looked at her mobile and gasped.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I have a lesson scheduled with Carmen in ten minutes. Gosh, Quinn, I'm sorry! I was so absorbed in your experience that it totally slipped my mind." Not wanting to leave her girlfriend stranded in the middle of the street, she asked: "Want to join us?"

Rachel felt bad to cut their afternoon short, especially under the current circumstances. She would have liked to talk more with Quinn, but it was too short notice to cancel her lesson.

_It's ok Rachel, don't worry. How about I prepare some dinner for later and you come over to my apartment when you're finished? I can pack some of your clothes when I get my things from your place, so you don't have to go back. Santana is out late tonight, so we still have time to talk and … do stuff,"_ she added with a tempting smile.

"Uh, _do stuff_ does sound nice," Rachel answered grinning. "Ok, let's do that." She stood on her toes and quickly kissed the blonde. "Thank you for understanding."

Quinn smiled. _Good, see you later then, gorgeous!_

"Enjoy the hearing!"

Quinn chuckled. _I will._

They had reached the next corner and Rachel kissed Quinn goodbye, watching her turn in the opposite direction while she was heading toward the community center.

… … …

When Rachel came over to Quinn's apartment later that day, the blonde expected her in a lovely dark blue dress that showed a lot of cleavage.

The kisses between the two women had intensified over the past days and their reservation in touching each other had diminished. The sparks where flying every time they touched and seeing her girlfriend in such a beautiful and sexy gown set Rachel's nerves fluttering.

Quinn had turned off the lights and had placed what felt like a million candles on the floor and shelves to make it bright enough for Rachel to read her signs. The warm light gave the blonde's skin a soft glow and Rachel felt how her breathing accelerated when she took in the sight in front of her.

"Wow!" Rachel raked her eyes appreciating across her girlfriend's body. "What's the occasion?"

Quinn stepped closer and pointed at the other woman. _You_ , was all she answered.

"Oh my, had I known…" But Rachel couldn't say anymore as her lips were covered by a silencing index finger.

Quinn slowly led Rachel down the hall, walking backwards and pulling Rachel along with her. Their eyes never broke contact and both women felt their arousal intensify with every passing second. Rachel wanted to rip that dress right off Quinn's slender body, but she held back, letting Quinn seduced her.

Rachel had not been sure when would be the right moment to take that last step. She had been unsure first because of Quinn's injuries and second because she wanted to give Quinn the time to decide when it was ok for her to give Rachel that ultimate bit of trust again.

Quinn pulled Rachel closer and nipped at her lips, then laid a trail of kisses down her throat and back up to her earlobe. She flicked a quick tongue against the soft skin and felt Rachel shudder under her embrace. The smaller woman groaned and leaned into the blonde's arms.

"No…. teasing….please…" she managed in between heavy breathes. God, five seconds in those arms with those kisses and she already was a lost cause.

Quinn chuckled. She herself felt like she could not wait to lay her hands on Rachel's naked body, but the foreplay was just as enjoyable. Slowly she let her hands glide under the brunette's turtleneck and pulled it over her head, followed by the shirt she wore underneath.

She walked three steps backwards and pulled Rachel with her again. Quinn was not shy to rid Rachel off her pants where they stood. Then she lazily trailed the back of her fingers across the brunette's now naked shoulders and down over the rim of the dark blue satin bra.

She smiled when she saw the shudder race through Rachel's body her touch had caused.

"Your dress…," was all the petite woman could utter. Quinn stepped closer and placed Rachel's hand at the back of her neck where the zipper was. Rachel wrapped her arms round her and slowly moved the little device down the blonde's back.

Even though it was harder and harder to not lose control, Rachel played by Quinn's rules. With agonizing slowness she peeled the beautiful dress off her shoulders and let if fall on the floor where it pooled around the blonde's feet in a sea of dark blue silk.

Except for the high heels she still wore, Quinn was gloriously naked underneath. Not wanting to be at a disadvantage, Quinn snagged the clasps of her girlfriend's bra open and then freed her of her panties as well.

Slowly she raked her hands through Rachel's dark locks and then bent down to kiss her chest and breasts. Rachel threw her head back and groaned with pleasure. Then she placed a hand against Quinn's stomach and gently pushed her towards the bedroom.

When they reached the door, Quinn stopped.

_I want you to know what I feel and think while I make love to you, while I touch you, while I kiss you._

"I know." Rachel answered. "I do, Quinn."

The blonde shook her head, then reached behind her and opened the door. The bedroom was illuminated like the rest of the apartment, but what Rachel then saw, made her stop in her tracks.

The whole room was decorated with pages of beautiful handcrafted paper on which Quinn had written different sentences in large, flourishing letters.

Rachel felt Quinn step behind her, wrapping her arms around her. When the singer trailed her fingers across Rachel's breastbone, she pointed at a page above the head of the bed.

_Your breasts are so beautiful and the way they softly rise makes me want to never stop kissing them,_ was written on it.

Then Quinn cupped Rachel's breasts gently, following the round mounds with her fingers, bending down to leave millions of tiny kisses on the soft skin. In between she flicked her tongue at the hardened nipple, until she finally kissed her way along Rachel's shoulder and arm, letting the fingers of her left hand glide across her back, while her right hand held out Rachel's arm. She shortly pointed at another sheet that hung above the nightstand.

_Your skin is so smooth and soft and I never want to feel anything else beneath my fingers._

Rachel glanced around the room. She couldn't count, her mind was beyond rational function, but there must have been at least a hundred of those sheets be pinned up on the walls.

Again and again Quinn pointed at the one or the other sentence while she continued her caresses with her hands. Rachel had some trouble reading all those written words, as her vision was blurred by tears.

Quinn picked her up at one point and gently placed her on the bed. When Rachel looked up, she found more pages stuck up against the ceiling.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "When have you done this?" She focused back on the hazel eyes that loomed in front of her and that were filled with so much love.

Quinn sat up and signed. _I wrote them during the past days. Whenever I thought about you, I wanted to write down what I love about you. And I wanted you to know, to "hear" while we make love. You just have to look at one of the sheets and you'll know what I want to tell you while I keep my hands busy satisfying you._

"This is so beautiful." Rachel still hadn't found her voice and only managed a quiet murmur. " _You_ are so beautiful."

"I love you!" Was all Quinn answered and sealed that statement with a kiss.

Rachel let her hands glide across Quinn's naked body and while she enjoyed their caresses, she found again and again other words that swam into her vision and replayed with Quinn's voice in her mind. She understood what Quinn wanted. She understood that Quinn wanted to hear her whisper into her ear that she loved her that she wanted to make her feel beautiful, perfect, loved and wanted.

The flickering lights of the candles threw different shadows and lights across the pages. The shifting of the light made the sentences come alive. It looked like they danced across their pages, ready to make themselves visible whenever Rachel's eyes roamed the walls.

The most beautiful sentences Rachel found stood written in Quinn's eyes. There was love printed all over the hazel orbs. She felt it in her caresses and she was incredibly grateful to be able to experience it.

Quinn watched Rachel's eyes wander between her own and the walls around her. She seemed to soak up everything that was written there. The blonde massaged the small breasts and sucked gently at of the erect nipples. Rachel moaned and arched her back, which thrust her breast even further into Quinn's face. The blonde chuckled and kept focusing on pleasuring Rachel even more.

"I… want… to feel…you." The brunette gasped between breaths.

Quinn moved up and sealed those lips with a passionate kiss. Their tongues met and started a dance. Back and forth they went, one chasing the other and back. They twirled around each other, the met and then drifted shortly apart, only to reunite with full force.

Both of then needed a short break to get some air. Then Rachel sat up and pushed Quinn into a lying position

"My turn," she whispered, while she kissed the blonde's breasts and stomach.

She massaged Quinn's hips with her hands and then knelt between her knees. Quinn sat up.

_I want to see you while we make love,_ she signed.

Rachel sat up again and pressed her lips against Quinn's. They kissed passionately, while their hands roamed each other's bodies.

Every now and then Rachel glanced up and found another phrase, another love confession in her field of vision. It felt so good to see those words while feeling Quinn's hands on her skin, her tongue softly playing around her nipples and feeling her breath on her body.

Quinn somehow never ceased to surprise her.

Their passion and re-found love for each other carried their bodies into the night, long after Santana had come home and had blown out the candles in the hallway. She knew about Quinn's romantic plans and had voluntarily opted to stay out long for the evening.

She quickly and quietly had moved through the apartment, getting ready for bed, trying to not listen to the moans and sighs that wafted through the other closed bedroom door.

With a smile she closed her own bedroom door behind herself and fell onto the mattress. She was happy, purely happy that Quinn and Rachel had worked out their difference. She was happy that her "family" was back together again. Still, it couldn't quite cover the longing of her own heart to find her soul mate, someone she could love unconditionally. Jenna was a very nice and fun girl, but they still danced around each other and Santana still could not read her as she could read other people. It bugged her. But when being honest to herself, she knew that her heart was not into it completely. She was attracted to Jenna, yes, but there wasn't this absolute longing, this feeling that you couldn't live without the other person, that this was your other half to complete you.

Santana was relieved that it wasn't Brittany either, when she thought of the blonde. Apparently she had learned to accept their separation. She still missed her and loved her, but it wasn't that complete longing either anymore, when thinking about her. Did that mean she was finally ready to move on?

The Latina turned in her bed and stuffed her pillow under her head. She glanced around her darkened room, where the furniture was outlined in dark gray colors by the little light that filtered through the blinds from outside. She closed her eyes.

She would find love and love would find her when it was time, she was sure of it.

… … …

The next morning after waking up in each other's arms and cuddling for a while, the two women finally appeared in the kitchen. Santana slurped her second coffee and greeted the two bedheads with a smirk. There was no need for words, what she wanted to know was written all over her friend's faces.

With a smug grin she lifted her cup and raised an eyebrow and was rewarded with two bobbing heads and a "yes please," from Quinn. Rachel's hearty yawn swallowed most of her answer.

Santana handed two coffee mugs to them and sat back down at the counter, skipping through a magazine that lay in front of her. She tried hard to not comment on the glow that surrounded the other two women.

"What's up, cat got your tongue?" Quinn asked between two sips, surprised at the lack of witty and snarky remarks from her usually very perceptive roommate.

"Words fail me. You two look so satisfied and in love that it almost makes me puke." She retorted, but the grin she had plastered on her face betrayed her harsh words.

Rachel chuckled after seeing Quinn's interpretation.

"Aw, Santana," she walked up to her friend and enveloped her in an exaggerated, playful hug, knowing fully well that the Latina was not a big hugger. The more fun she had teasing her with it.

"Admit it makes you happy that our love is restored." And she quickly placed a kiss on Santana's cheek, before jumping out of reach, laughing.

"Gag, go away!" Santana wiped her hands over her head and body to brush off any Rachel residue that might have rubbed off on her during the brunette's smooching attack.

"Uh. Vicious, Berry. Absolutely disgusting. Now I need to shower again." She lifted her index finger in warning. "I'll get you for that, dwarf!"

Quinn watched the exchange amused, content to interpret, knowing that Santana did indeed love both of them and just hid her true emotions behind her gruff behavior.

"You can be glad that I have matured so much and we're not in school anymore, otherwise I would have ended your life right then and there."

Rachel was absolutely unimpressed by the other woman's behavior. Yes, some years ago she would have never dared to even step close to her, much less kiss her on the cheek. But having gotten to know Santana and her soft core, having learned how much the Latina really cared about her and how much effort she put into this friendship, gave Rachel the confidence that a little teasing was in order.

"Santana, cut the crap. You don't have to pretend with us, y'know. " Rachel smiled. "Just admit it and I'll leave you alone."

The Latina made a dismissive sound, but then confessed: "Yeah, fine. If that's what it takes you get you off my chest – literally - I'll admit it. Happy to have you two back together. There. I said it. It's not like I didn't mention it before, though." To end the argument she changed the topic, trying to ignore the grins and looks Quinn and Rachel exchanged.

"I still have a couple of minutes before I can torture my first client. Let's have breakfast."

"Good idea," Quinn said.

"Oh, you're still with us. Thought you had turned to stone while your girlfriend attacked me. You just stood there with that silly grin plastered on your face. Don't think I didn't see that!" Santana huffed.

"I didn't want to interrupt you two. It was too much fun to watch!"

Santana shook her head, mumbling: "That's what they call friends." And then started laughing with her friends.

Together they quickly placed the food, plates and bowls on the table and sat down.

Rachel checked her e-mails on her phone while she was eating her cereals.

"Oh!" She was happy to find a message from Tom. They had exchanged a couple of e-mails over the past weeks since they had met at the restaurant.

In one of his previous e-mails the former colleague had told Rachel about how he had declined yet another offer for a musical role, because he still wanted to do his own thing. Rachel was curious as to what he was planning, but he wanted to tell her in person when it was time.

She had told him in her last message about the planned interview.

What he wrote in the most recent e-mail, surprised her though.

_Hey Rachel,_

_How are you? Did you have a good start into the New Year?  
I read your interview at and I have to say, I'm impressed. It was very courageous of you to go through with it. This article was really well written and knowing a bit about your story, I admit it was sensibly described without leaving to many open questions. I hope you are happy with the results. Have you seen some of the comments? _

Rachel hadn't bothered reading anything beyond the article when Patrick had sent the live link. Maybe she would have a look at them later. She continued reading.

_Anyway, there is another reason why I'm also writing today. Do you remember that I asked you if I could have your opinion on something? The idea I wanted to share with you? Well, it's taking on form and I'd like to hear your thoughts about something I'm planning to do.  
It's something small and independent, but I think it could turn into a great project. _

_Do you have some free time over the next days so we could meet?_   
_I promise to bring Nellie, I know you wanted to see her again (yes, see that as a bribe :-))._   
_Tom_

Rachel leaned back. That sounded really interesting and she was happy that Tom was still interested in what she had to say. She was curious as to what he had planned.

_What's making you smile like a Cheshire cat?_ Quinn asked from behind her own muesli bowl.

"Oh, Tom wants to meet with me. He'd like my opinion on an idea he has."

_That sounds great! You're becoming quite the consultant these days,_ Quinn half joked. _What are your hourly fees?_

"Haha, very funny. I'm doing that as a favor, mind you. Besides, I'm glad that … you know… despite everything he still thinks my opinion could be of value."

Quinn leaned forward and cupped Rachel's face in her hands, tilting her head upwards a little.

Then she withdrew her hands and signed: _Let's agree on another ground rule, ok?_

Rachel frowned. "What?"

_Stop thinking that it's a miracle people respect your professional opinion. You told me to stop apologizing and trying to skip around every mention of "hearing". So you stop acting like it's a fucking miracle that people value what you have to say. Deal?_

Quinn was quite adamant.

"Fine". Rachel felt a squeeze on her shoulder when Santana walked past her towards the kitchen. "What?"

"Nothing. Quinn is right, if I understood correctly. Chin up, Berry! I have to leave you guys now. Work's calling." Santana said and signed at the same time. She deposited her dishes in the dishwasher and grabbed her coat and bag.

"Have fun and don't be too mean!" Rachel shouted after her.

_Never,_ Santana signed smirking.

"So glad I'm not one of her clients," Rachel mumbled while taking another mouthful of her now very soggy cereals. "Ugh." She put the spoon back into the bowl. "Guess I'm finished."

… … …

Two days later, Rachel was about to leave her apartment for her meeting with Tom just when the light above the door flashed. Tom and she had agreed on meeting at a little restaurant for lunch.

She stopped and frowned, wondering who might want something from her. Tom didn't have her address, so it couldn't be him. Besides, why would he have come here if they were meeting somewhere else. Quinn was back at her first day of practice.

Shrugging she activated the little camera and gasped when she recognized who stood in front of the door.

Rachel took a step back and inhaled deeply a few times. The light flashed again. When she was sure she had a grip on her emotions, Rachel reached out and opened the door.

"Sharon." It was rather a statement than a question and it did not come across as an invitation either. The petite woman stood her ground in the door and refused to budge, even though she wanted to step back and slam the door in the other woman's face.

Rachel held the other woman's gaze. Sharon had come alone. The brunette was not sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Whatever, she did not plan on wasting much time with her former manager. Probably she had read the interview; Rachel could not find another reason why she would visit her. Then again, why did she visit her at all? Why did she not just tell her by E-mail what she had to say and be done with it?

That reminded her that she wanted to block her e-mails. She was done with receiving any more insults from that woman, because that was what largely seemed to come out of her mouth, lately.

"Rachel…"

The petite woman looked to the side for a moment and sighed. Would she ever learn?

Then she studied the women opposite her again and felt a sense of calm wash over her. This woman could not harm her anymore. Rachel knew that by having stayed true to herself, she had the upper hand. She had told the truth and everybody who was interested in it, knew it by now.

Rachel almost felt sorry for Sharon Basont. Almost. This notion made her smile. Despite all that had happened, Rachel was the one that still had more strength, integrity and dignity. And that knowledge gave her a self-confidence that exuded from every pore.

Sharon seemed to sense that as she took a step back and raised her hands. Rachel realized from the posture and the look on her face that Sharon did not come to wage another war. Interesting.

Before the older woman could say anything, Rachel spoke first, very calmly.

"After all that has happened, you come here and still you don't have the good grace to either bring an interpreter or at least write down what you want? Really, Sharon? How long will you go on wasting your time believing in your own fake story?"

She didn't raise her voice; she didn't even feel the deep anger that had raged through her on former occasions. Rachel noticed that this lack of anger told her ex-manager more than the actual words.

Still, Rachel didn't want to have an answer to her rhetorical question, so she turned, closed her apartment door and made a motion to lock the door.

When she felt a hand on her shoulder, Rachel turned. Sharon was holding a small pad and her hand was poised over the blank sheet of paper. Rachel snorted when she saw that Sharon still hesitated to write down what she wanted, as if still doubting everything.

Without further hesitation Rachel brushed by her.

Again she felt a hand on her shoulder. When she turned, the other woman held out the pad.

Rachel refused to take it. She looked her former manager in the face and studied her for a moment. The brunette saw anger sparkling in Sharon's eyes because of her former star's dismissive behavior, but she also she noticed pride …and curiosity?

Sharon turned the pad when it was clear that Rachel would not take it, and showed her what she had written.

_Sometimes it is easier to believe in a lie than to face the truth._

Rachel snorted. "Sometimes the truth is all we've got." And she waved her hand elegantly towards her own ear while she raised her right eyebrow for emphasis.

Sharon wrote something else down.

_I'm here because of that truth. Can we talk? I only need five minutes._

"Really? What else do you want to tell me? I believe our last talk in your office was enough." Rachel was still surprised how calm she felt. "Besides, I'll have a meeting I need to attend, I don't have time now."

"Please, five minutes!"

Rachel frowned. She only understood what Sharon had said, because the other woman had raised her palm to indicate the five with her fingers. Nevertheless, Rachel ignored the plea. She wanted to pull out her mobile to check how late she was for her meeting already, when she noticed that she had left it lying on the counter. Damn.

Stepping towards Sharon to get to her door again, she said: "Excuse me," and inserted the key again. "This is not an invitation; I just have to take something with me."

Rachel stepped inside and on her way to the counter remembered that she had not closed the door, which, for the short distance would not have been necessary. However, considering the circumstances, it would have been better, because Sharon took the chance to step into the entrance. She didn't come all the way into the apartment, but from where she stood she had the chance to take a short look around.

Rachel noticed how her eyes lingered a moment longer on the camera and light above the door.

"Sharon, I have not invited you into my apartment, so would you please leave. I don't see any reason why I should want to talk to you."

Rachel watched Sharon scribble something down again, holding out the pad.

This time Rachel took it after a moment of hesitation.

_I want to apologize._

"Apologize?" Rachel's voice dripped with sarcasm. "I didn't know you had that word in your vocabulary!"

Sharon placed a hand on Rachel's arm, who jerked away.

"Honestly, you'll have a hell of a lot of explaining to do, before I can even start to think you might actually mean it. So, what is the real reason that brings you here? More food for your slanderous campaign?"

Sharon flinched at Rachel's hard words. She decided to cut to the chase and come out with the truth.

_I had a visit from one very fierce and protective lady friend of yours the other day. She almost ripped my head off. But –despite her outraged and respectless attitude that she displayed - she made me realize that I probably overreacted._

Rachel almost would have laughed out loud at imagining Sharon apologizing to her had it not been for the mention of a friend's visit.

My god.

Quinn!

Did Quinn go to her and set her straight? Without her consent?

No, that couldn't be. She would not have betrayed her like that. But…. But… then the only other explanation would be…

"Santana!"

When she saw the other woman nod, Rachel noticed she had spoken the name out loud. God damn it, Sharon always caught her off guard, not matter how much she steeled herself against her influence. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm herself.

" _She_ came to see you?" Rachel then asked for clarification.

The older woman nodded again.

"When?"

Feelings of anger, astonishment and betrayal raced through Rachel.

_The day after your interview came out. A smart move that interview was, I have to admit. And the perfect platform to do it, too._

So that's why they hadn't heard anything about Sharon's allegedly planned article yet.

Rachel noticed how Sharon's gaze roamed through her apartment. She must have noticed that the tell-tale musical posters and a stereo where missing.

The brunette didn't comment on the other woman's last remark. She still had to digest the fact that Santana had broken her promise and had walked up to Sharon without even informing her about it, neither before nor afterwards!

Knowing Santana, she expected the worst.

The pad entered her field of vision again. Rachel just wanted to grab it and throw it across the room. Not wanting to give the other woman the advantage of seeing her so emotionally caught, Rachel forced herself to unclench her fists and let out a deep breath.

Oh, how could Santana have done that? And why? After all the talks and discussions, why?

"Sharon, I think you better leave."

_Rachel, I did not come here to betray the action of your friend, as hard as it might be to believe. It took me some days to digest what she told me, but she had a point. The reason I came here was to apologize for my somewhat irrational behavior._

Jesus, what had Santana told her? What did she do to make someone like Sharon Basont change her mind?

Rachel caught a quick glimpse of Sharon's face. There was something in her eyes and the way she slightly slumped her shoulders, probably unconsciously, that the brunette strangely enough believed her.

She tucked her phone into her bag and moved towards the door. With an effort she managed to say: "I need to leave, I'm already late."

Sharon nodded and stepped outside without further hesitation. Rachel locked her door again and left without bothering to look back at her manager. The older woman followed Rachel downstairs where she wrote one final question.

_Rachel, don't be too hard on your friend. She is really protective of you. Not many people have the fortune to have such friends in their lives. And let's be honest, not many would have dared to face me and give me a piece of their mind.  
Can I contact you again?_

The petite woman glanced at the words. After all these months she finally got a glimpse of the old Sharon she knew. As tough as this woman could be in her business surroundings, as protective she was with her clients, as long as they didn't cross her.

And indeed, when it came to protecting someone, Sharon could understand to a certain degree that young woman who had come to talk some sense into her about her wrong perception of Rachel's deafness. Protecting what's dear to you and having the courage to do so were two traits that Sharon admired in other people. Santana Lopez had shown both, she had to admit.

But Rachel was too worked up by her inner turmoil to appreciate the sentiment.

With a shrug and a: "Whatever," she pushed the door open and walked towards the subway station.

Sharon looked after her with a thoughtful expression on her face.

Rachel was hardly able to contain her anger. Knowing that Santana was still at work, Rachel limited expressing her irritation via one short text message.

_Santana, we need to talk. Tonight, your apartment._   
_You better be there and have a damn good explanation._   
_Rachel_

Without further explanation she sent the text and tried to calm down until she met Tom.

… … …

When Rachel arrived at the little restaurant, she had managed to get her breathing under control. It would not do if she stormed into the place like a worked up bull seeing red. Besides, Tom wasn't the target of her anger.

Tom, sensing and seeing that Rachel was struggling to keep her composure decided to wait telling her about his idea. Instead he asked her about what happened and suggested they meet again another day to talk about his idea. He rushed to assure Rachel that it was really ok with him.

The brunette felt selfish to push her own drama into the foreground, but it felt good to talk about it to someone and she sensed that Tom was genuinely interested in what had happened. As much as Rachel wanted to hear about his idea, she knew he was right. She wouldn't have the mind to give him her full attention and that would not have been fair.

Rachel took a deep breath and began to tell him the whole story. His mouth fell open when she came to the part where Sharon accused her of faking.

_I knew she could be a bitch, but that? On what kind of drugs was she on?_ He wrote into a little notebook he had brought with him.

Rachel shrugged. "Beats me." She continued with her story to the part of Sharon's house call and what she learned about Santana. Thinking and talking about her friend's behavior just made her anger and disappointment boil over again.

"I just don't understand how she could do this to me!" The brunette felt tears of anger sting in her eyes and bit her tongue to make them disappear.

_Well, now I understand your comment when we met at the restaurant some weeks ago. The one about Santana being protective. I had wondered why she had acted like that, always glancing over. Now knowing about that whole Sharon thing, I'm not surprised. Even though I agree that she should have talked to you first, I think she really did it because she loves you – as a friend I mean. And she didn't want you to get hurt._

"I know, but still! This is about me and therefore I should get to take the decisions how to handle the whole affair. Especially after we talked about her acting on it on her own." Rachel sighed. "I'm sorry, I need to sort this out with Santana."

_I can understand that. Let's have a quick lunch and then I'll leave you, ok? You have to eat something. In the mean time I can take your mind off it a little by telling you what the last offer was I rejected._

Rachel forced a smile for her friend. She was grateful that he was so understanding. But the news about the next role he turned down, surprised her.

"Another one?" Rachel frowned. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to Broadway? You have declined now – what? Three major roles? Must be some idea you're having. Are you sure you don't want to tell me know about it?"

Tom shook his head. _No. I need your full attention and come to think of it, it might be better to meet somewhere more private when I tell you._ He looked at her and smiled encouragingly _._

"Okaaaay," Rachel dragged out the word. She was intrigued now as to what Tom's project could be about. "Why don't you come over to our place for coffee next Sunday. And bring Nelly."

He nodded. _That's a good idea!_

They ordered and over lunch Rachel was glad that Tom managed to distract her a little bit and that they had already managed to secure another date when they could meet again.

… … …

Santana was in between two clients when she heard her phone chime.

Opening the message she saw it was from Rachel.

Reading the lines, she clenched her teeth. Damn it. Why hadn't she worked up the courage to tell Rachel? It wasn't like her to shy away from confrontations.

Santana had expected some turbulence because of her visit to Sharon, but what came across between the two clipped lines felt more like a full grown storm coming up.

* * *

**Thank you Tenteitudonadadeu for the beautiful idea with the notes! I know it took me quite a while until I got there, but thanks for letting me borrow it!**


	65. Chapter 65

**Usual Disclaimer… Glee is not mine…don't own it.**

**Jmcafee45: Thank you for your comment! Here you go!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 65**

_Santana, we need to talk. Tonight, your_   
_apartment. You better be there and have_   
_a damn good explanation._   
_Rachel_

Santana stared a long moment at the words, like she had done in the afternoon. Now she was sitting in the subway on her way home, bracing herself for _that_ talk.

There was only one reason why Rachel would text her that. She had hoped that maybe Rachel would never find out about her talk with Sharon. On the other hand she should have expected it, sooner or later. No matter how prepared she could have been, it didn't make this whole situation easier. Not at all.

Watching the eerie lights of the subway tunnels pass by in a blur, Santana though back to her conversation with Quinn after she had received Rachel's message.

Santana had decided to call Quinn to tell her what had happened. She hadn't mentioned anything about this to Quinn before. Santana had not wanted to put her into the dilemma of having to choose between keeping a secret from Rachel or telling on Santana by informing Rachel about everything.

When Quinn learned of her friend's action though, she was stunned.

"You did what!?" Quinn almost shouted into the phone. Santana didn't say anything, her silence confirming that Quinn had understood correctly.

"Oh no, Santana, how could you?" The blonde then groaned.

"How could I _not_?" Santana asked back.

"Did you talk to Rachel before you went to Sharon?" There was a long pause at the other end of the line which told Quinn everything she had to know.

"Please Santana; don't tell me you didn't talk to her." Quinn said with a voice full of dread. But she knew the answer. Rachel would have told her something had she known about it.

"Q, you know damn well that someone had to tell that Sharon bitch once and for all to stop the shit she was doing," Santana huffed. "And we both know that no one better than I could fulfill that job for various reasons."

"Santana, I know that! But that's not the point! How many times has Rachel asked us to back off and not do anything rash? Why did you go behind her back now despite her telling us more than once not to?"

"Because waiting wouldn't have gotten Rachel anywhere! This brainless twit of a manger would've never stopped her slanderous campaign!"

"You don't know that!"

"And you don't know either that she would have!"

After shouting at each other, both women fell silent for a moment. Then Santana asked quietly:

"So, what do you think she'll do?"

"Who, Rachel?"

"Duh, no, the Queen of England. Of course, Rachel!"

Quinn sighed. She was disappointed that Santana had actually betrayed Rachel's trust, but she was not in the least surprised. This was Santana. She did what she thought necessary in order to help her friends, sometimes with drastic measures.

Quinn told her that she better braced herself for a proper verbal smack down, which she very well deserved.

"Santana, I cannot tell you what to expect. I can understand that Rachel is angry and disappointed. No matter what you think what would have been right, this was not your call. All you can do now is face the music. You can be glad that Rachel is not a violent person, because _I_ would kick you in the ass that you'd feel my footprint on your butt as a reminder for weeks. Honestly, I don't know what she will do. Are you sure that is what she wants to talk about?"

"Yeah. Couldn't imagine anything else. Guess she just found out. Don't know how, though."

Quinn groaned. "Perhaps Sharon told her. If she did, then maybe you achieved just the opposite of what you actually wanted, Santana. You may have given her more food for her sick ideas. And it makes Rachel look like she can't fight for herself. It makes her look weak."

Santana was silent. Even though she would do it again under the same circumstance, she did feel bad about having talked to Sharon behind Rachel's back. She just hoped she hadn't risked Rachel's friendship in the process.

With a softer voice Quinn added: "I know you did it to protect Rachel and to take some burden off her shoulders. You had a good reason, Santana. Let's just hope Rachel sees that as well."

"Yeah, let's hope so," Santana managed a little subdued before they hung up.

She would always fight for her friends, no matter when, not matter where and not matter with whom. She didn't regret what she had done. She just hoped that she could live with the consequences of her action, whatever they came to be.

Strange though, with high school Berry Santana would have struck her chin out and would have given the girl a snarky remark in the likes of "sometimes you don't know what's best for you, just be glad someone stands up for you. Now, shut up and get moving." But with the Rachel she knew today, she didn't want to call up her spunk. That friendship had become so important to her that she wanted to make sure Rachel understood _why_ she had done it. Even though the petite brunette might not agree with it, Santana wanted at least for Rachel to know that she did it because she valued their friendship and did not want any more hardship for her.

… … …

After her talk with Santana, Quinn sent Rachel a text asking what had happened between them.

_Hey Sweets! Santana just called me_   
_and filled me in about her visit to Sharon._   
_Is that why you are mad at her?_   
_Are you ok? What happened today?_   
_Quinn_

Rachel read the text and bit her lip. Why had Santana called Quinn? Just to confess? To ask her to take her side? She shook her head. Whatever.

Rachel wasn't sure what Santana had told Quinn exactly. She quickly typed her response.

_Yes, I'm furious with Santana, because of her_   
_visit to Sharon. She told you about it today?_

As expected, the answer came right back from Quinn.

_She did. I didn't know anything  
about this before, Rachel. _

Rachel sighed. She believed Quinn. She knew that Quinn would have told her had she known.

_I know. And I don't think you would have kept_   
_that from me. I'm not mad at you._   
_I'm just so angry and disappointed that_   
_Santana did this without talking to_   
_me._

Quinn still wondered how Rachel had learned about it.

_How did you find out?  
Has Sharon told you?_

'Please say no', Quinn thought. She didn't want Sharon to talk to Rachel ever again. But the answer was just the opposite of what she'd hoped.

_Yes. Sharon visited me just now._

Quinn stared disbelieving at her phone before she forced her fingers to move again.

_SHE WHAT!?_

Rachel could practically hear Quinn shout that last sentence and gave a short explanation.

_She came to see me at my apartment today,_   
_but I'll tell you the details later. Too_   
_complicated to do it via text messages_   
_and I'm just on my way to meet Tom._

Rachel looked up from where she was walking while typing the message. She was almost in front of the restaurant already. Wow, while being busy texting back and forth, she had not paid much attention to her surroundings. Good thing she didn't have to cross a street in the process.

She hadn't noticed the skater coming behind her either and he almost bumped into her when she abruptly stopped on the sidewalk. He swerved right and barley managed to move around her. Shit. Such an idiot! Rachel rubbed a hand across her forehead. She had to be more careful of what was going on around her, while walking through the busy streets of New York. Her hearing couldn't warn her anymore of anything that was happening around her while she kept her eyes fixed on the phone.

She felt the device vibrate in her hand again. This time she took a step to the side, closer to a building before she looked at the message. It was Quinn again, sending the answer to Rachel's previous text.

_Ok. Lemme know if there is anything I can do._   
_I'm at home if you need me, ok?_   
_Say hi to Tom! Love you._

Rachel smiled at the last two words.

_Thank you, love u2. See you later!_

She tucked her phone away and took another deep breath, trying to push the anger she still felt towards Santana aside before she met Tom.

A couple of blocks away Quinn slumped back on the sofa.

Jesus, why couldn't Santana get a grip on her emotions and think before she acted just on instinct? Well, that was unfair, Santana probably had thought about her actions, but most likely thought that the possible positive outcome – namely Sharon leaving Rachel alone – would outweigh the negative ones.

Hopefully the two friends would be able to discuss this and then put their differences aside. Quinn was just happy that her and Rachel's relationship had found a turn for the better again; she didn't want another rift causing her little New York family to break up.

… … …

Later that evening, Quinn watched Rachel pace back and forth in front of the couch while she was waiting for Santana to come home.

The blonde was torn between understanding her girlfriend's disappointment and anger and Santana's action. She herself had been close to storming the manager's office more than once in order to tell her what she thought of her.

Quinn was watching how Rachel seemed to become more agitated by the minute; the blonde doubted that she would let Santana off the hook easily.

When the brunette had come home from her meeting with Tom she told Quinn about the visit from Sharon in more detail. Quinn had been shocked when she had heard that the manager had actually showed up in person in front of Rachel's apartment door.

She wished she had been with Rachel, but she was proud how Rachel had handled the situations.

However, she had been surprised when she heard the actual reason for Sharon's visit. Even though, the doubts lingered if she had really meant it or if it had been just an excuse to get back at Rachel. Rachel seemed almost inclined to believe the older woman. Well, maybe Santana's visit had helped to flip a switch in the woman's brain somehow after all.

The blonde got up and wrapped her arms around Rachel. The petite woman let herself be held for a moment before she started pacing again.

Finally, Quinn heard footsteps outside in the hallway.

_I think Santana is coming,_ she informed her girlfriend.

"It's about time!" The petite woman stopped her endless wandering and faced the door.

Santana took a deep breath before she entered the apartment. She could almost feel the tension in the air vaporizing through the door. This was an evening she was not looking forward to. She knew she had screwed up from Rachel's point of view, but she hoped that the benefit of her actions outweighed the deed.

She entered and waved her hand. "Hey."

Then she dropped her bag on a chair and draped her coat over it, not bothering to hang it up.

She hated that she just couldn't reason with Rachel the way she used to in high school. She hated the fact that she was not fluent in sign language more than ever before. She hated that she had to rely on someone else to interpret for her and she hated it that Rachel couldn't hear the sincerity in her voice. She hated all those things more than ever. No matter how much they had learned, evolved, managed and progressed in dealing with Rachel's handicap, this evening Santana just hated all the limitations it caused.

She collected her thoughts and started to sign carefully.

_Rachel, before you say something, please let me explain!_

"Guess you know why I want to talk to you?"

_S-h-a-r-o-n?_ Santana simply finger-spelled the name figuring it said enough.

Rachel stood facing her, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her posture expressing clearly that she was not inclined to make it easy for the Latina. She nodded once, simply raised her eyebrow and waited.

Santana almost wished Rachel would have started one of her rants. The fact that she didn't and that she just stared angrily and disappointed at her was worse.

_I should have come to you first before confronting Sharon. Rachel, please believe me that I didn't do this to hurt you. I just wanted to make life easier for you. You shouldn't have to deal with such a bitch and such shit besides everything else that is going on. I'm sorry that I did that without talking to you._

It took Santana a moment to sign all this, but Rachel watched her slow progress patiently despite the anger she felt. At least Santana tried, but it did not make her hurt less.

"You know, Santana, the worst thing is not just that you did it behind my back! It's that you didn't even tell me _afterwards._ I had to learn from Sharon that you went to see her. From _SHARON!"_ Rachel almost screamed the name. "And do you know how?She dropped by for a surprise visit today! She caught me completely off guard! How do you think that made me feel? This woman already had the better of me for a long time and finally I managed to get over what she did and was sure that I could beat her by playing by my own rules. And all you do is walk up to her behind my back and destroy everything!"

Rachel's brown eyes were blazing. She forced herself to take a deep breath and to calm down before she continued. Her voice turned from expressing anger to hurt.

"Do you know how much this costs me? How damn hard it is for me to be true to myself and not succumb to what other people are thinking or saying to me? To not let others fight my battles, but to find the courage to do so on my own - especially now - to not feel worthless?"

The Latina looked pretty chastised and would have liked to just run out of the apartment in order to not see the betrayal and disappointment in Rachel's eyes any longer, knowing that she was the cause of it. But Santana also knew that she had to sit through this. If she wanted to keep Rachel as her friend, she would have to explain herself. Even if it meant she would have to pour her soul out – something she usually was not prone to do. But she could understand all the things that Rachel told her. More than before Rachel needed to have control over her life. And by meddling in her affairs, Santana had taken away some of that control.

Rachel watched a range of emotions chase across Santana's face. But before she could let her friend explain herself, she had to say one more thing and that was what hurt the most.

"You can proudly strut out into the world, Santana, you have such self confidence that it oozes out of every pore. I know how that feels, I had it once too, but everything that I could be proud of is gone. And now, after so many months and weeks I finally managed to be proud of myself again for having stood up to Sharon, for not having succumbed to her needling and defaming, despite all that I have been through with losing my hearing. But you think that is not enough! That you have to fight likes with likes. I'm not just angry because you walked up to her behind my back. I'm hurt by what it implies." She paused for a second. "You did not _trust_ me that I could manage myself."

Rachel uttered the last sentence very quietly, but it rang in Santana's head as if she had screamed it from the top of her lungs.

The petite woman stood there, her arms hanging by her side, tears of anger and hurt now sliding down her cheeks unchecked.

"Rachel." Santana crossed the distance between them and hugged her friend. When she noticed that Rachel did not hug her back, she stepped back.

_Do you mind if I write this down?_ She asked by signing. She needed to express herself clearly and that wasn't possible through sign language yet.

"I don't care how you do it."

Well, at least Rachel gave her the chance to further explain her reasons and did not storm off like she used to in the past.

Santana threw a glance at Quinn, who had watched the exchange silently from the couch. She wanted so much to help both of them to solve this, but she knew that it was something that Santana and Rachel had to solve on their own.

It was interesting to see this different side of Santana. The usual boasty young woman was quite subdued and lacked her usual snarky remarks. It was a Santana Quinn had only seen once before and she knew that the Latina was shook up by the whole situation and how it had turned out, despite all the good reasons she might have had to justify her actions. Santana actually seemed to fear the loss of her friendship with Rachel.

Quinn got up and filled three glasses with water and put them on the table. Then she pulled a chair out and gently tugged at Rachel's arm.

_Come on, let's sit down._

With a jerk of her head she also motioned for Santana to sit at the table. She pushed the glasses in front of her friends. Rachel lifted it to her lips and took a couple of sips.

"Thanks," she whispered, looking at Quinn. She knew that her girlfriend was torn. She knew that Quinn would have liked to tell Sharon herself what she thought of her. Quinn probably understood Santana and her actions a lot better from her point of view. But Rachel also saw the pain in her girlfriend's eyes, feeling for Rachel and wishing she could solve this situation in a heartbeat.

Rachel reached across the table and squeezed Quinn's fingers shortly.

Santana had sat down in the meantime as well, frantically writing something on the omnipresent wad of papers.

Finally she turned it around and pushed it towards Rachel.

_Believe me; what I did had nothing to do with trust in you or lack thereof! If I hadn't trusted in your capabilities of handling situations, I wouldn't have dragged you to Quinn's show or to the other musical. We wouldn't have asked you to come to the Perfect Beat Club on your birthday. You know that I like to challenge people. The only thing here that was unpredictable was Sharon. Her whole behavior over the past months was so out of this world that I thought she'd never ever get it. I didn't trust_ _her_ _._

Santana had underlined the last word several times to make her point.

_I don't mean that you did anything wrong or that your method was wrong, it just made me so angry that she wouldn't even try to understand. And I thought that I didn't have anything to lose if I went to her and gave her a piece of my mind. The last thing I expected her to do is to show up on your doorstep, though. I actually didn't want you to have to face her anymore, I didn't want her to force you do things in order to parry her actions._

Rachel absorbed those words while Santana had her eyes glued to the petite form. The Latina hoped with all her heart that her friend would understand her actions and forgive her.

"You know Santana; I get what you are trying to say. But she didn't force me to do anything. In the end, it was still my free choice to say, yes, I'll go out to dinner or yes, I'll do the interview. Granted, the circumstances she created pushed me to do those things, but I still had the _choice._ I still could have said no, I won't do it."

_And where would it have led you?_ Santana challenged her.

"I don't know Santana." Rachel shrugged. "But that would have been my prerogative to find out, don't you think?"

Santana tilted her head and studied Rachel for a moment.

_You know, I get that you need control over your life, maybe now more than ever, but don't forget that once in a while we all need help. We all come to points in our lives where we need to lean on others, you know that! Even though you are deaf and you need to prove more than others what you are capable of - especially to yourself - don't think that you can manage everything by yourself. No one can. We're all depended on each other's help._

Quinn read Santana's words in parallel with Rachel, so she would be in the loop of the conversation. She saw that both women had a point, but she also saw that it could become an endless discussion with the two stubborn hot heads on the table.

She lifted her hands to make an arbitrary suggestion.

"Guys," She didn't wait for an answer and soldiered on. "I understand that Santana was trying to help and I understand her reasons for doing so. Rachel, I honestly wish I would have done the same." She lifted a hand to stop any comment coming from her girlfriend. "The reason is simple. We both love you Rachel. In different ways, but we still love you. And you want to protect what you love. Sometimes this protectiveness overrides any logical reason and pushes you ahead and lets you do things you wouldn't do under other circumstances."

The blonde looked at Santana who nodded hardy visible. Maybe Quinn would find the right words to get through to Rachel.

"But I also understand you, Rachel, because I would hate it if someone deliberately went against my wishes, not matter how benevolent the intentions are. I get both your points. Try to understand each other's situation."

Quinn looked at the two women. Rachel turned her head away and looked at the table, rubbing at an invisible spot.

After a moment, she lifted her head and focused on the Latina.

"Santana, I just don't know how I can trust you again. I really want to, I know what a good friend you have become and I would never want to lose this friendship, for nothing in the world. But I just don't know how to still these doubts I have in my mind that every time I tell you something, you might let your anger overrule and do something stupid like that again." Rachel said this very quietly. She didn't sound angry anymore, just sad and unsure.

Santana understood that her actions had caused a rift between them, and in a twisted kind of sense she could understand also Rachel's reaction. Still, it hurt to hear those words. It hurt a lot.

Rachel's eyes looked up at her. "Tell me how I can stop that voice inside my head. Just tell me how."

Rachel wished this had never happened. She wished she could just wipe all those doubts and hurt feelings away. She didn't want any more drama in her life. She almost laughed at that notion.

The drama queen herself was sick of dramas.

But there wasn't a button she could just press and change her feelings, as much as she wanted it.

Santana looked at the brown pleading eyes and desperately wished she had an answer.

_I guess only time can show that._ Santana pushed herself up, suddenly feeling as if she was carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders.

The Latina would never have thought that the possible loss of Rachel's friendship could make her that sad. But when it came to issues of trust, that wasn't something you could mend overnight. That needed time. And if it meant to save their friendship, Santana was willing to do anything to gain that trust back.

She stepped towards Rachel and hesitantly bent down to give her a hug. This time the brunette did not refuse and lightly hugged Santana back.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I really am." The Latina spoke into her ear, despite knowing that her friend couldn't hear her.

Rachel felt the vibrations in Santana's chest. When Santana pulled back, both had tears in her eyes and the Latina repeated her words with her hands. Then she turned and collected her things and walked out the door. She needed time to think. This whole situation had rattled her more than she would have thought.

She appreciated Rachel's wish to reestablish their basis of trust, but she didn't have quick solution for that.

Rachel watched Santana leave and felt her heart ache. Nevertheless, she could not find the strength to call her back.

… … …

Santana pulled up all her courage and called Jenna when she was out of the door. She needed to talk to someone. Someone who knew Rachel and her situation with Sharon, but also someone who was not that close. Jenna was the perfect person. Besides, Santana really missed her. They had met twice in the past weeks and had shared some laughs and nice evenings. But nothing more had ever happened, neither of them implying more than friendship at the moment.

When Jenna picked up her phone, Santana quickly told her what had happened and asked, if she could come over.

"I need an outside opinion. I just don't know what I can do now."

"Sure, come on over. How long will it take you?"

"Um, I'm actually on my way to your place already. Guess about fifteen minutes."

"Good, I have finished my rehearsal for today. I'll be home about that same time. If not, don't run away, ok?"

Santana chuckled. "No, I'll stay put. See ya."

She hung up and felt a tiny bit better. It was good to be able to talk someone about this. Quinn would have understood, but she was too close to Rachel.

Both women arrived at the same time in front of Jenna's apartment. They ordered some Chinese Food and even though Santana was not particularly hungry, she forced herself to eat a couple of bites.

Jenna asked her to start from the beginning and Santana quickly recaptured the story with Sharon and Rachel and then added her involvement with more detail than what she had shared over the phone. When Santana finished, Jenna could understand the predicament her friend was in.

"But even knowing that Rachel would not be happy if she found out, why did you go to Sharon?"

Santana shrugged and sighed.

"I just… I just felt so helpless! I hate being helpless, I hate my friends having to suffer because of other people. I know!" She held up a defensive hand. "I know you are aware of my bullying past. But Rachel has gone through so much, I have found in her a real good friend, I just had to do something!"

"Santana, I understand. I don't know if I wouldn't have done the same. But still, Rachel is trying to get her life together and that means taking up self-responsibility again. I can imagine that this is hard enough for her as it is with her being deaf and all. But this situation was hers to solve. And you should have respected that."

"But I have! I played along the whole time, even though I wanted to rip that bitch's head off! And now she is angry with me, instead of Sharon." Santana's shoulder's slumped and Jenna noticed how she fought back the tears.

She placed a gentle hand on her arm. "Have you explained to her why you did it?"

Santana nodded.

"Well, what did she say?"

"Something that really hurt."

"What was it?"

"That she doesn't know how to trust me again. And she thinks that I didn't trust her to handle the situation herself."

Jenna looked sadly at her friend who seemed to shrink by the minute.

"Santana, look. I understand that you meant well. I also understand that Rachel feels betrayed. She asked you several times to back down, you told me. I'm sure she will understand your motive and I'm sure she will forgive you. Honestly, even though this was all for the better, you need to give her the right to be angry at going at Sharon behind her back."

"That's not what I want to hear." Santana grumbled. She felt her phone vibrate in her handbag, but refused to answer. She was in no state to talk to anyone at the moment.

"I know that you don't like to hear that. But I'm sure she will also take some time and come to understand the reasons why you did it. What did Sharon want from her?"

"I don't know. She never said and during our discussion I forgot to ask. You know, I should have thought about Sharon taking my visit out on Rachel. How could I have been so stupid?"

Jenna turned towards her friend after placing her wine glass on the table. "Santana, you couldn't have predicted her behavior. And being angry with yourself now for not having thought about this, won't help. Maybe she did go to apologize…"

"Yeah, right!" Santana interrupted her, but Jenna continued.

"Try to focus your energy on saving your friendship and not on what Sharon might do or not do." She paused for a moment. "You know, maybe Rachel was right in doing it her way. Giving more and more energy into this situations only helps to escalate it, but not to solve it."

Santana looked at her with a frown. "Yeah. Could be." She took a sip of wine. "Why is life so fucking unfair sometimes?"

"Don't know. It depends on how you look at things. Whether you are right or Rachel, if both of you don't want to lose your friendship, you will get through this. Hell, Rachel has managed more difficult situations and she has come a long way. Give her some credit. She will understand you eventually." Jenna looked at her friend. "But do you understand her as well?"

When Santana didn't answer right away, Jenna prompted her. "I hear you hoping all the time that she understands your actions, but do you understand what she is feeling as well? Why she thinks you didn't trust her?"

"But this had never anything to do with not trusting her."

"Santana, you know that, but take it from her perspective. You said it yourself, especially in her situation she needs to prove more than other people that she is still capable of taking care of herself. I can understand that she felt you didn't think her to be strong enough – even if you never meant it to come across that way."

Santana leaned forward and pressed her hands against her temples. "This is just… ugh, shit!"

… … …

Rachel felt some arms from behind wrapping around her. She turned into Quinn's embrace.

Quinn did not know what to do; she wanted to console both her friends.

_How do you feel?_

Rachel shrugged. "Like shit."

_Anything I can do to help?_

"No. Not really. God, I hate this!" Rachel thumped the heel of her palm against her forehead. "Can't these doubts just go away? Can't this voice just shut up? I mean I understand why Santana did that, sort of. I get that she is sorry and that she didn't do it to hurt me. I don't want that to stand between us. I don't want fucking Sharon Basont to stand between us."

_Well, maybe you should tell her that._

Rachel nodded. "Maybe." She disentangled herself from Quinn.

Taking a moment to compose herself, Rachel then got her phone and started typing a message. Then she lowered her hands, thinking.

After a moment she asked almost shyly:

"Can you… could you call her from my phone and tell me if she picks up?"

Quinn raised an eyebrow, surprised, and then smiled. _Sure_.

She took the phone that Rachel handed her and dialed Santana's number. Listening for the rings, she mouthed "Voicemail" when the familiar automatic voice told her to leave a message.

Quinn would have interpreted, had Santana picked up the phone. Now she wasn't sure what Rachel wanted to do.

Rachel nodded and held out a hand. She could at least leave a message.

_Ok, go!_ Quinn gave her the phone.

Rachel pressed the phone against her ear and started talking. It still felt strange to hold a phone like that. She focused on what she wanted to say. When she finished, she handed the phone back to Quinn, making a motion for her to listen. Talking up the cue, the blonde pressed the phone to her own ear, nodded and ended the call.

_I think it recorded your whole message, I just heard the beep._ She smiled at Rachel, holding out the phone to her.

"Thanks for helping," Rachel waved the mobile and smiled.

_You know, I'm very proud of you._ Quinn answered instead and kissed her girlfriend. Hopefully Santana would get the message. Rachel wasn't usually calling people personally anymore.

"Let's just hope Santana will answer soon."

_I'm sure she will. Don't worry. She won't give up on you just because you had a fight. Just the same you didn't want to give up on her._

Rachel smiled weakly at her girlfriend who wrapped her in her arms and held her for a while.

… … …

"Uh." Santana dropped back against Jenna's couch.

"What?" Jenna came back from the bathroom and found the Latina in a state of - well, she couldn't find a name to describe what she saw. Santana seemed relieved, surprised, in awe, but had a smile on her face and shook her head in parallel.

"God, what happened, Santana? Are you ok? I wasn't gone that long," Jenna then joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Without answering Santana then replayed the message she had received earlier when her phone had buzzed in her bag.

"Santana, it's Rachel. Look, I… I'm sorry I just couldn't say that everything is fine and that I forgive you. I understand why you went to Sharon. I still think you should have told be, but I guess what's done is done. I also know you did it because you love me as a friend. And for that I am very grateful. I mean it. Before I lose a friend over my pride, I'd rather swallow it. And before I let anyone, much less someone like Sharon stand between us, I'd hope to have a chance to mend our friendship. … Let me know if you… if you want to talk. Bye."

It felt strange to hear Rachel's voice over her phone, knowing that she normally wouldn't resolve to such measures. She had only used her phone once in the usual sense, calling Kurt when Quinn was in the hospital and that had been an absolute emergency. That she did it again now and did not just send a message, showed Santana that she meant a lot to Rachel.

"Wow. She called you?" The red haired, young woman smiled. "See, your friendship is worth more than a thousand fights and Sharon Basont."

Santana just nodded.

"Wanna go see her?"

The Latina swallowed. "Yes. You know, Rachel has surprised me a lot in the past months with her courage. But _calling_ me, after _I_ more or less messed up things – leaving my good intentions aside – really … um, gets to me." She sniffed quietly, not wanting to let the tears fall in front of her friend. Damn. This Berry woman really turned her all mushy and girly inside.

Santana got up from the couch. "Want to come with me?"

Jenna laughed. "Are you afraid to go alone?"

"No. Well, a bit nervous, I guess. But if you ever tell anyone I said that, I will kill you!"

Jenna chuckled. "Sure. Never heard anything. Still need me to hold your hand?"

"It would just be nice to have someone to talk to along the way."

"Fine. Let me get my things together. Though it didn't seem like Rachel wanted to rip your head off after leaving that message." Jenna laughed.

They quickly put the rest of the food away and Jenna threw on her coat. They took the subway back to Santana's and Quinn's apartment.

Jenna was happy that the two friends both seemed to want to fix their friendship. She felt a bit like an intruder, tugging along, but since Santana had specifically asked for her support and since she knew Rachel and Quinn as well, she guessed it was ok to come along.

… … …

Quinn heard the key in the lock and told Rachel that Santana was coming home, just like some hours ago. She and Rachel were both surprised, when the redhead also entered and shyly gave a tiny wave.

"Hello Jenna." Rachel greeted her. It almost sounded like a question, but she hugged the other small woman in greeting. Then Quinn threw her arms around her old friend as well.

Rachel smiled at Santana. "Hi."

"Hey." Santana rushed nervously into the apartment and while she hung up their coats, Jenna used the moment to tell Rachel in written form: _She would never admit it, but she was afraid to lose you. Guess that's why she needed some support to come here. But don't tell her I said that!_

Rachel smiled. "Promise I won't. Come in. Nice to see you," and she gave that other woman another hug.

Turning, she saw Santana standing behind one of the chairs of the dining table, looking at her wearily.

"Santana, I meant what I said. Don't look like I'm going to rip your head off." Then she added as an afterthought. "You did get the whole message?"

The Latina nodded. _Yes, I did,_ she signed. She collected all her effort and continued with her hands.

_I'm really sorry that I didn't talk to you about this. Guess I ignored my common sense because I knew you'd talk me out of it. Still._ She looked at Quinn, silently asking to take over as an interpreter. The blonde nodded and raised her hands, when she had Rachel's attention.

"It was your place and not mine to talk to Sharon. It's just that … that when I see how much shit you had to go through, I had to do something! I couldn't just stand by any longer, watching that bitch cause you so much trouble and pain."

"I know, Santana. And I understand why you did it. But you know, going through this, handling this whole situation the way I thought was right made me grow, made me face reality and helped me come out of hiding even more. I can understand that it is hard to stand by and watch sometimes. But we have to make our own experiences. Only this way we can continue to grow for ourselves. No one can do that for us."

Santana pressed her lips together, nodding slowly in understanding.

Rachel continued.

"But that doesn't mean I don't need someone to stand behind me and support me should I stumble and fall. And yes, sometimes I also need that famous kick in the butt." She paused for a second. "Thank you for standing up for me, for showing me how much my friendship and I mean to you."

Santana swallowed and then pulled herself away from the chair she still held onto with a fierce grip. Rachel's words hit her right in the heart and the generosity and honesty that came across with Rachel's forgiveness and appreciation just stunned the Latina into silence. Which didn't happen very often.

"This is one of the rare moments you'll see her speechless," Quinn quipped with a smile, signing along.

"Ugh!" Santana made a face, but laughed. Then she moved around the table to hug Rachel.

They held each other for a long moment. Finally, Rachel pulled back. She raised her hands, while saying: "Hope I didn't stun you into eternal silence. Would hate to miss your motivational speeches."

The Latina smiled and also signed. _Honestly, I always believed in you, Rachel. Don't ever think anything else._ Santana's eyes were imploring and the petite women simply nodded after a short moment. She saw the sincerity in her friend's face and had felt it in her hug.

_Thank you for calling me. That was… priceless,_ Santana smiled knowingly. _Your friendship means a lot to me and I just wish… I just wish…_

Rachel reached out and stilled her friend's hands. "You don't have to wish that you had never gone to Sharon. We all make mistakes. If you can be so forgiving after I wanted to cut you all out of my life, I can certainly, too. Especially if you did it out of love for me. Platonically!" Rachel hasted to say. "I understand that you would probably do it again under the same circumstances. That's just you acting according to your principles."

_Well, but even I am capable of learning. So next time, I try to reign in my temper and maybe I even let you talk me out of it._

"Hm. Let's just hope that this Sharon story is over."

"What did she want anyway?" Jenna asked. "Santana told me the whole story."

Quinn interpreted and Rachel answered: "She did come to apologize. In the end she never did, but somehow I believed her intentions were true."

_She did?_ That even surprised Santana. _And what stopped her?_

"I did. I didn't have time and I was too upset because of you. I just left Sharon standing in front of my door. But I have to say – and that is the most surprising thing – she did defend you."

Santana shook her head. "Huh. Who would have thought? Sharon Basont seems to have at least _something_ where other people have a heart."

"Well, maybe your compassion spilled over," Quinn joked.

"I guess she got the message. And she knows something about protecting people. So for what it's worth, your message must have come through at least to a certain degree, Santana," Rachel stated. "Maybe it wasn't so bad that you provoked her to come, I just realize. _She_ really did come down from her high throne to see _me_. And she did not seem to want to offend me, for a change. Anyway, that chapter is closed for me now."

"See, so it had a good thing that I went to see her in the end." Santana commented grinning.

Rachel narrowed her eyes, but said with a small smile: "Don't push it, Santana."

The dark haired woman held up her hands defensively. "Fine, fine."

Both women shared another smile and conveyed more than words.

They knew their friendship was strong enough to get through this, and Rachel would work hard on herself to not hold anything back from Santana. She needed to trust her. Only then the Latina would be able to show that she could be trusted.

Rachel had gone twice through the phase of losing friends over the past year, some turning away from her, some she pushed away herself. But now Rachel knew where she belonged to and who her real friends were.

Quinn looped an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. Then she looked to Jenna. "Stay for a little while?"

"Yes!" Jenna nodded.

They settled on the couch and comfortable chairs and Jenna told them a bit about how the rehearsals were coming along and they exchanged what else had happened in their lives.

Despite how the day had started, it turned out to be a nice evening among friends and everyone was grateful to be able to appreciate it.


	66. Chapter 66

**I don't own Glee**

****Jmcafee45** : Glad you liked the Sharon ending!  
**

**This is one of the last chapters. I guess there will be about five left, just to give you a fair warning** **.**

 

* * *

**Chapter 66**

The next few days Rachel's and Santana's relationship was still raw, but each of them tried hard to get back to the comfort level they had before. Rachel made good on her promise to herself to not hold back anything and give Santana the chance to be trusted. So she told her about Tom's last e-mail and that he wanted her opinion on his project. Quinn had quickly run to the supermarket to stock up on their food, while Rachel decided to use the chance to talk to her friend.

_And, do you know what it is about?_ Santana asked with her hands. As if wanting to prove that Rachel's friendship was so important to her, she had put in extra effort to improving her signing skills. She had also scheduled some extra classes with Carmen. Rachel noted the improvement.

"No, not yet." Rachel left out the bit about why he hadn't told her. She didn't want to bring up her and Santana's fight again. "I've invited him to come over for dinner on Friday next week." Her hands accompanied her spoken words with signs.

Santana grinned. _Maybe he'll want you to work with him on his project!_

The former singer shook her head. "No, I don't think so. Even if, I'm not sure I'd be ready for it. Besides, I don't even know what it is, for all I know he might be wanting to sell shoes on Times Square."

_Funny, Berry. I can so totally see you offering sneakers to tourists._

Rachel slapped her on the arm. "Shut up and behave. Otherwise I might not tell you what it is, just to spite you," she added playfully.

Santana looked at her for a second before she said: _Yes, I think you would totally do that._ Then she laughed.

"Yes I would!"

_And what you said about not being ready…You know it's not true. What about that thing with those kids? You'll manage that, so if Tom asks you to work with him, you can do that as well! If not, I will kick your behind, Rachel, like you asked me to. You are ready!_

"I didn't ask you to do that!" Rachel protested.

_Yes, you did. You said you needed someone to kick your ass once in a while. I am_ someone _and that is_ once in a while _!_

"Shit."

_Rachel Barbra Berry, I did not just hear you swear?_ Santana mocked offense.

"Yes you did. Just because I'm usually not indulging in in profanities like you do it doesn't mean I can't use them once in a while."

_No kidding._ Santana held up her hands defensively and grinned. _But I still get to kick your …"_ she leaned a little forward and drew quotation marks in the air _"cute little butt" if that project is any good and he wants you to participate in any way!_ With that the Latina quickly turned and grabbed her bag, grinning as Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Gotta go." And she pointed towards the door.

Rachel just waved and shook her head. Santana would not let her get slack and she would not accept any excuses. God, was Rachel glad they had managed to set their differences aside!

Smiling she turned and took her and Quinn's plate from breakfast into the kitchen.

… … …

The following Thursday Rachel met again with Helena as planned to discuss further details of their project. They met at the same café as before and both women were happy to see each other again. Kayla could not join them; unfortunately she had to pull a double shift at the hospital.

Rachel had thought hard about which musical would be fitting for the pupils. She wanted to take the kids to a show where she knew someone so it would be easier to give the kids access to the area behind the stage and meet the actors.

In the end she made the logical choice and suggested _Bohemians_ and _Funny Girl_. _Bohemians_ because she knew the main actress – obviously – and Quinn knew sign language. It would make the interaction so much easier with all of them. And she knew that Quinn would do anything in her power to accommodate the kids in her show and speak with the director to give them a glance behind the curtains. When Rachel had asked her girlfriend what she thought about it, Quinn had been excited about the idea. She only asked to be given early enough notice so she could make the necessary arrangements with the director and rest of the ensemble.

_Funny Girl_ was the other reasonable choice. It was the funnier story and Rachel still knew people working there _and_ she knew the piece itself by heart. Which, in a way, did not make it easier, but for the kids she would be willing to make the effort of overcoming her own doubts and pain. Rachel had not contacted any of her former colleagues yet; she wanted to see what Helena would say about her ideas.

It turned out the other woman was happy about the suggestions. Rachel had the best contacts for those musicals and she was familiar with the script and music. It was clear that the young, former singer still had a hard time to deal with everything, but the teacher found it very courageous that Rachel went through with it nevertheless.

Helena wanted to watch both musicals for herself in order to get some better insight into the stories and which would be more suitable for the kids. In her heart she didn't have any reservations about either of them, none of them contained graphic scenes and she knew for a fact that the kids were familiar with movies about love stories. The one or other kiss might cause some giggles, but that risk she was willing to take.

Rachel smiled at Helena and signed while speaking. "You know, I'm still a bit torn about the whole project, but I'm also immensely excited. I just hope that the school board will agree for you to take the kids."

_Yes, I hope that, too. If necessary, would you be willing to come to our school and talk to the principal? I don't think you will have to, but just in case there are too many doubts, maybe you could help me convince him._

"Sure, I'll be happy to do that. Guess I can give accounts of either visit to the shows – as a hearing and as a deaf person."

_Exactly. That might help us give the kids even more insight into the whole musical experience._

"Do you already know when you would like to go?"

Helena wagged her head in a pensive motion.

_Guess it would be sometime in April or May. I need to speak to Mr. Jamison, our principal, first and introduce him to my idea. If he agrees, we need to get the approval from the parents and the get the funding. Maybe the school will pay some of it, maybe the parents have to carry the whole load, we'll see. To be honest, I'd like for the whole outing the weather to be a bit better. Herding a school class through a potential New York snow storm is not something I am looking forward to!_

Rachel laughed at that. "I can imagine." She looked outside and noticed how the white flakes had started to fall again. "I like snow," she added without realizing that she had spoken it aloud.

Only when Helena signed _Me too, but not with twenty kids in tow,_ she came aware of it.

They continued to talk about their favorite kid memories in the snow and both found out that they loved to make snow angels. There was something about letting yourself fall backwards fully trusting in a soft landing, moving your arms and legs, feeling the white mass shift under your body and having a beautiful 3D picture in the end.

After another coffee for Helena and a tea for Rachel they said their good-byes and the teacher promised to keep Rachel informed about the progress.

"Say hi to Kayla if you talk to her," Rachel said when she hugged the teacher good-bye.

_I will. She asked if it was ok if she contacted you again. She was sorry that she couldn't be with us today._

"Sure she can. But I can tell her that myself, I have her number," Rachel smiled. "Well, good luck with Mr. Jamison!"

_Thanks. Bye!_

Outside Rachel pulled on her gloves and looked down the street. A bit reluctant she made her way to the next stop on her list.

… … …

After the meeting with Helena Rachel had her first appointment with the speech therapist Shelby recommended to her. She had dreaded making the appointment but finally had convinced herself that it would not get any easier with time. So she finally had dropped by and made the appointment herself while she was running an errand close by.

Rachel had to admit after her first session that the therapist was really nice. She had worked with deaf people before, so she was familiar with Rachel's challenge. Rachel still had a very good way of carrying her voice and of inflecting it just right. Even being an expert in speeches and dialects, she hardly heard anything she would have to correct. Some people who lost their hearing had varying difficulties to adjust their speech without hearing themselves.

Jasmine Bernstein was intrigued by the young woman who sat in front of her. She wanted to know a bit about her background and for how long she had been deaf in order to work out the best therapy plan. She asked Rachel to tell her story, after they had established a way of communication through paper and pencil. Even though Jasmine had worked with deaf or hearing impaired people before, she was not very advanced in sign language. By way of listening to Rachel, she could also assess the level of speech impairment. However, the young woman did not seem to be shy to use her voice, she obviously had some exercise. That was good. Her pronunciation was still very clear.

The petite woman told her about her accident and the deafness it caused. Jasmine then wanted to know if she could hear any sounds, because it could influence her therapy, which Rachel had to negate.

_Hearing aids aren't an option either?_

"No. Currently not."

_Currently?_

Rachel stared at the word. Then she shrugged with one shoulder.

"The tests that were conducted some months ago showed that there is some nerve damage in the hearing center of the brain caused by the impact. I'd have to do more tests some day…" Rachel let her voice trial off.

_I see. There might be hope still?_

Why could she not leave this alone? "I don't know. After almost a year I don't think so."

Jasmine looked at the young woman in front of her. She seemed clearly bothered by these questions. _I'm sorry to have brought up the topic, but it could have had an influence on the therapy, that's why I'm asking._

Rachel nodded once in understanding.

_Have you had speech therapy before?_

"Yes, I have." She explained about her first speech lessons right after the accident and how her former therapist thought that had a very good level of speaking still. Jasmine wanted to know if Rachel could explain how she controlled her voice, which caused a little confusion. After explaining a bit more in detail what Jasmine meant, the former singer tried to put in words what she did. It wasn't easy.

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know how to explain it. I mean, I just speak. It was weird in the beginning, but after I got used to speaking more and more, it got easier. I feel the voice vibrate in my throat. And varying that, I know if I speak louder or more quietly. Of course, it is hard to adjust my volume if I don't know about the noise level around me, so it can happen that people have to tell me to speak up, for example. If the noise level stays the same, it is ok for me. Speaking at a normal conversation level, I have already memorized how it feels. In the beginning my friends helped when I wasn't sure if my voice was too loud or too quiet. If the noise level around me varies, I feel very insecure. I don't want to scream if all of a sudden the noise level drops. I rather refer to signing then."

The therapist nodded. _I can understand that. But how do you make sure you give the right intonations? So for example, when asking a question, some deaf people – depending on their degree of deafness and how long they have been deaf – don't raise their voice at the end of the sentence. You still do that._

Again Rachel shrugged. "I can only explain it the way I explained it to my friends. I still hear my voice in my mind. Not really, but you know, I just imagine how it would sound like, sort of. God, it's difficult to explain. I'm used to using my voice as a tool to express myself. I was a professional singer and my whole life revolved around my voice and training it. I guess it just comes … naturally. Does that make sense?" She asked frowning.

_Sure it does. It's the same with singing. Some can carry a tune, others have to practice a lot and some might never really learn it. Speaking is a little bit like singing, if you will. Excuse the blasphemy here,_ Jasmine smiled, but Rachel was not offended.

_Even if the tone does not vary as greatly as when you are singing, you still have to raise or lower your voice to a certain degree. You need to form the vowels and consonants correctly and you need to push the air through your nose or mouth in the correct way. Some people start to sound nasal after a while._

"Do I do that?"

_Sound nasal?_

Rachel nodded.

_No. Not really. But it might make sense to do some exercises that it stays that way. I honestly don't think you will have great problems in the near future, but the more you are learning to consciously notice how the sounds you make feel in your throat, your nose, your tongue, your head, your lips etc., the easier it will be to make sure it stays that way._

Rachel was a bit relieved. She had feared that the therapist would tell her that her speech had immensely deteriorated and nobody else had dared to tell her. But so far, she seemed to sound ok.

Jasmine asked her to pronounce some words for her and then showed her how to exaggerate the pronunciation a bit in order to make the different sounds "visible". She placed a cotton ball on Rachel's hand and then asked her to say words like bin and pin or waste and haste. These were words that sounded similar but the p and h at the beginning of the word made the little cotton ball move, whereas it lay still with the b and w.

_You see, you still manage that perfectly. Learning to speak and keeping that level of speech in live often happens subconsciously. We hear and copy, we practice as children until we can manage it perfectly, comparing the sounds we make to those we hear around us. The same happens when learning a new language. You listen to people how they pronounce their words and you try to move your mouth and tongue in order to pronounce them the same or at least make a similar sound. This is also happens with your native language, but on a much more subconscious level. As said before, this process happens automatically so you don't necessarily realize it throughout your life. But if the acoustic stimulation is cut off at some point, you have no way of comparing and correcting yourself. This is why the speech patterns often deteriorate a little or a lot, depending on the person, the degree of hearing loss and the effort the person puts into training their speech further._

_Also, many speak less and less, because they don't feel comfortable. It seems you are used to speaking and talking._

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I didn't in the beginning, but I noticed that it is so much easier for me to express myself and in the beginning not many people knew sign language, so they didn't understand me. Besides, I have hearing friends and family. That is why I finally started to use my voice more and more again."

_That is very good. Keep it up!_ Jasmine encouraged her and smiled.

Rachel was glad when the first session was over. They agreed to work on a monthly schedule, to make sure Rachel kept her level. Jasmine could help her early enough to correct her speech should she notice something.

Rachel put on a brave face. Even though she was relieved that her speech had not deteriorated yet, it was weird being there. Talking used to come naturally to her. She sang before she could walk and now she needed help with the most basic thing. Even though she was still doing okay, having to "monitor" her speech was a concept she had difficulties getting used to. It was frustrating despite the good news.

_Rachel, I can imagine that it must be very frustrating, especially having been a professional singer. But believe me, this lifelong training does help you now, even if it is only a small consolation._

Rachel just nodded. This was what her other therapist had said as well. It was indeed only a very small consolation. They agreed on the next appointment and Rachel hoped that she would just get used to the whole process without giving it too much thought.

… … …

Rachel tiredly plopped on the sofa after having draped her coat over the hook next to the entrance. She kicked her shoes off and put her feet on the rim of the coffee table.

Quinn turned and took in the slightly frustrated expression of her girlfriend. She placed a kiss on Rachel's cheek and turned her head gently so she would face her.

_How was the session?_

Rachel shrugged, turning back, staring at the TV.

Quinn bumped her with her elbow. _Come on, spill. Was it that bad?_

Rachel sighed. "No. It wasn't. It's just so frustrating to practice with someone how to _talk_." Rachel did not elaborate and Quinn could just tell by the clipped answer how upset she was.

_Ok, I can understand that this is upsetting. Would it help if you thought about it as getting extra actors training?_

"But I'm not training any accents or other languages. I'm just trying to talk normally!" Tears threatened to fall. "I mean, she said I'm doing really ok, but I don't know that! I'll never know!"

Angrily she wiped at her eyes. She did not want to cry. She did not want to wallop in the old self-pity and frustration again. Still, she could not stop the tears from flowing.

The blonde set up and gently kissed the full lips before she signed: _Rachel, this woman you are visiting is an expert. She is supposed to hear little things and correct them. Did she tell you that you sounded strange or something?_

Rachel shook her head slightly. "No. Not really."

Quinn frowned. _Then what did she say? What happened?_

Quinn knew that meeting with the speech therapist was not easy for Rachel. But she was proud of her that she went anyway. She had offered to come along, but just as expected Rachel wanted to go alone. Now Quinn tried to find out what was causing this depressing mood.

"She worked with a couple of deaf people and she said that over time, it was normal that the ability to use pitch would – or could – decrease. She didn't have to correct much yet, she gave me some exercises I should do."

_Is that what is bothering you? Rachel, it is ok to be sad or frustrated. You don't have to pretend to be okay with everything all the time. Least of all with me._ Quinn tucked a strand of brown hair behind Rachel's ear.

"I know. It's just… "

_What?_ Quinn waited a moment. _You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, sweetie._

Rachel finally took a deep breath. "When she heard that I was a singer, she asked me if I had tried to sing… after the accident or if I at least had tried to run some scales. When I said yes, she wasn't even surprised."

_She wasn't?_ Quinn asked astonished.

"No. I mean, she makes people with various speech impediments practice a lot of things, so I guess she has heard everything so far."

_So, what did she say?_

"She asked if I could show her, so she could get a better idea of what kind of exercises we should take up and where possible problems could lie. Actually she said that if I kept practicing singing, as long as I was feeling comfortable with it, it might help me also on the long run with my speech." Rachel's voice had gotten quieter and quieter so Quinn had to lean forward to hear her.

Did you show her? Quinn shyly asked.

Rachel shook her head. "Nooooooo," she breathed. "I couldn't." She looked at her hands.

Would it be easier – just in case you want to practice – to do it with someone you don't know?

Rachel shrugged tiredly. "I don't know. She gave me some exercises. I would need someone to help me in any case because I have no idea if I'm doing it correctly."

_What are you supposed to do?_

Rachel went on explaining some of the exercises Jasmine had shown to her. It wasn't anything difficult - and didn't involve singing - and the specialist had pointed out that she should remember how it felt now, because this would be her reference as her speech was still quite perfect.

Rachel just didn't know with whom she would feel comfortable practicing. It felt weird doing it with Quinn. Not because she didn't trust her, but somehow it would be easier with someone she wasn't around every day.

Maybe Kurt would help.

Quinn studied Rachel from the side. She seemed to pick up on her sentiments, because her next comment was: _I'm not sure if you want me to help you with this, but I won't be offended if you choose someone else to do these exercises with you. Not that I wouldn't want to do it, but I can understand if you'd want someone else to work with you. Sometimes… these kind of things are weird to do with your partner or someone too close to you. I never liked to do my exercises after my accident with my mom. Can't really explain it, but I always found it easier doing them with someone else but her._

"Thank you for understanding." A quick, grateful smiled flitted across Rachel's face. The she added playfully: "I'd rather have you reap the benefits of my crystal clear voice instead of doing these strange exercises with me."

Quinn was glad that the playfulness was back.

_Very thoughtful, indeed,_ Quinn grinned and kissed her girlfriend. _Don't dwell on it too much, Rachel. I also need to practice a lot to keep my voice smooth. It's just the normal process… even though if it is for different reasons. Then again, maybe not so different. You're an actress. It is sort of a training for your profession._

Rachel thought about that for a moment. "Maybe you are right. Maybe I should start thinking like that. I don't have to become an actress, I already _am_ one. I might have to go differently about the job now, but I already have quite some experience in the business." She lifted her eyes and drank in the sight in front of her, Quinn lazily lounging on the couch, with her eyes fully focused on Rachel. "Thank you."

_What for?_

"For being so understanding, loving, supporting and just perfect."

"Uh," Quinn sighed. _You are laying in on thick, but yes, that's me,_ Quinn joked and received a punch on the arm from her girlfriend.

"Shut up and kiss me."

_Happy to oblige!_

… … …

Two days later, Rachel found an e-mail from Tom waiting in her inbox. She had asked him if he would like to come over for dinner, because she was still very much interested in his idea.

_Hi Rachel!_  
Thanks for the invitation, I'll accept and thanks for considering Nellie. I know you want to see her so badly, so I promise I'll bring her.  
Happy to see you next Friday!  
Tom

Rachel grinned and replied immediately. She was happy that Tom still wanted to discuss his project with her. She had been too upset last time they saw each other to be a good consultant.

Friday afternoon she went shopping for the dinner. Quinn had to work so Rachel was happy to spend the evening with her friend. She prepared some stuffed peppers, for Tom with chicken and vegetables and for herself just with veggies. Nellie received a doggy treat and a bowl of water which she gratefully slobbered up after they arrived.

"Don't you give that poor dog anything to drink?" Rachel joked while she took Tom's jacket and hung it in the closet in her hallway.

Tom pulled a piece of paper out of his jeans pocked and answered in writing: _One of our neighbors just fed her a piece of very spicy meant, no matter how often I explain that this is not healthy. Before I can stop either of them, the little devil gulps down everything. Then she is running around like crazy, drinking three gallons of water. I'm just glad she doesn't get sick._

"Oh my, worries of a dog owner. Let me fill that bowl right up again," Rachel laughed and scratched the pretty dog with the gray and white fur behind the ears. The light blue eyes looked up at her, then a paw was placed on Rachel's forearm, as if the dog wanted to thank her.

"My, you are so well behaved," Rachel told her and Tom chuckled. She brought the bowl back filled with fresh water and placed it on the floor again.

Then she asked Tom to sit down while she placed the dinner on the table. As a conversation was a little difficult while Rachel was busy, Tom glanced around the tastefully decorated apartment. The border collie had found a place under the couch table and was looking up at him with her head on her paws.

When Rachel sat down next to her visitor, he smiled at her.

"I hope you'll like it. Quinn is the better cook, I have to admit."

Rachel watched the pen scratch over the paper.

_It smells wonderful and I'm sure it'll be great._

They ate in silence for a moment until Rachel commented: "I'm dying to hear about your project. But I can understand if you want to finish eating first, because it is a little difficult to eat and write at the same time."

Tom shook his head. _No problem, I do it all the time. Especially in the last weeks while working on my idea, it seemed like I never had time to sit down to eat. I was always busy doing something in parallel._

"Ok," the brunette said between two mouthfuls. "Then shoot. What have you planned?" She looked at him excitedly. She knew how it was to hold on to something that felt true and right, no matter what everybody else said or wanted you to do. And she was a little proud of him that he had not been tempted by some very favorable role offers to veer off his path.

Tom took another bite and while chewing, scribbled his explanation down.

_I've decided to make a movie. It's going to be a small and independent production, but I've managed to secure some funds and some sponsors who are interested in the story. So basically the financing is done. I just need the rights for the script and, well, then I need to get the actors under contract._

"Wow, Tom, that sounds great! You really want to make a movie?"

He nodded and smiled.

"What's it about? Do you already have the script?" Rachel was enthusiastic. She had thought about many things, but not that Tom would want to venture into the film business.

Tom looked at his hands before he answered. _Well, that's the tricky part_.

Rachel frown. "What is?

The handsome guy sighed. "All of it."

"What do you meant?" Rachel was confused. "I thought you had the funds and everything secured. Usually that is the most difficult part in the production."

He nodded. "It is." Then he remembered to write his answer down, but Rachel made a dismissive hand gesture.

"I got that. Ok, why don't you start from the beginning?"

While Tom took up the pen again, Rachel apologized. "I'm sorry. I should have asked an interpreter to help me out here. I'm asking a lot from you to write everything down."

Tom looked up and shook his head, a firm expression on his face.

_No. Don't apologize. I came prepared,_ he pointed at the paper. _Besides I wanted this to be between you and me for now._

Rachel nodded slowly. "Okay. Then let me hear it."

"Okay. Now or never," he mumbled, before taking a deep breath.

_When we met a couple of weeks ago, I was really shocked to hear what had happened to you. Guess you noticed._

Rachel looked up at that and smiled. "Yes I did notice. But I'm glad you found the courage to speak to me again that evening."

Tom grinned and pointed at himself, saying "Me too."

Rachel dropped her gaze back to the paper and read on.

_What you told me got me thinking. I had already this idea in my head to start filming. I have always loved making little films; it started all in high school with a small project in art class. I never really stopped, but having eight shows a week did not leave me much time to keep filming. Anyway, all the time while I was on stag, singing in Broadway shows I felt that something was missing. And finally I knew what it was. I wanted to film again. But nothing small, I wanted to do something bigger. Ok, not movie blockbuster like, but still something memorable with a great catching and interesting story and people. Something special, you know._

Rachel nodded. "So you decided to give Broadway the boot to follow your dream," she smiled.

Tom nodded. He took the paper back. Rachel scooted closer so she could read along while he was writing. That saved some time.

"What's the story about?"

He poised the pen a moment over the paper, before he continued.

_The story is about a young and talented singer who lost her hearing._

He looked at Rachel to gauge her reaction. Rachel's eyes went wide and she sucked in her breath. Before she could say anything he continued.

_I would like to base the story on you._

Rachel's eyes flicked between him and the paper. Then she just managed a weak: "What?"

Tom felt that his friend had to digest this for a moment, so he let this information sink in a little more. He just nodded with a reassuring expression on his face.

When Rachel did not react, he added: _I thought about it a long time. Please, before you say no, will you read the script? I haven't disclosed any names and the story doesn't necessarily revolve around Broadway. But your story has been inspiring to me and your input would be so valuable._

Blinking a couple of times she then stuttered: "My story? … How? … I mean why…?" Noticing that she was not uttering a coherent sentence, she closed her mouth again.

Tom felt like he had overstepped a line. Of course he wanted to ask Rachel for her permission to turn her story into a movie, but he had not said it in so many words.

_I'm sorry, Rachel, if I didn't explain before. I'd like to ask you first of course if you are ok with your story being turned into a movie._

Rachel got up from her chair and started pacing between the table and the living room.

"Uh …. gee." Rachel wiped her hand across her forehead, trying to get her brain to work again after that piece of news.

"What have you told the financiers about the story? You must have told them something so they would buy into it. What have you told them?

Tom held up his hands in a calming motion. _Don't worry, I did not give them names, but the abstract I gave them told the rough outline about a musician who lost her hearing and fought her way back into live. Don't worry, they don't know anything about you or what happened. Of course they soon want the whole script before they finally commit to signing the contracts._

Rachel sat down again, letting out a long breath.

"Ok, I thought you would have gone ahead and told them about me without…"

"No, no, I would never do that!" He interrupted her.

Rachel frowned, but got the gist of the message from reading his lips.

"Ok. For a minute I thought you had… anyway, wow, I need to digest this." She stood up and filled a glass with water, gulping it down. When she walked back around the counter, Nellie stood there, looking at her with her blue eyes, clearly sensing that Rachel was a little distressed. The brunette bent down and ruffled the fur on the pretty dog's head and back, more to sooth herself than the dog.

"Your daddy is crazy, you know that?"

Nellie looked at Rachel and then flicked her tongue out in a consoling doggy kiss. Rachel leaned back and laughed, swiping her arm across her face.

"Uh, I love you too, sweetie."

Slowly, she stood up again, her hand still resting on the animals head, gently massaging the soft hair. The little interaction had given her some time to let the news sink in, enough so she was able to carry on a normal conversation.

"Ok. So… tell me, what makes you think that a) my story is so interesting that you want to turn it into a movie and b) that other people might be interested in it too? I mean, there are hundreds of people out there having to fight their way back to participate in a normal life after having suffered injuries or illnesses. What makes you think my story is so special?"

_You._ Was the simple word that Tom wrote down as answer.

"Me? Why me?" Rachel really didn't think that her story was one that was in any way special. Besides she wasn't even sure she wanted to share it with the world.

Granted, having done her interview had caused some reactions in the scene. She had received some interesting feedback from various sources. Even two more magazines had asked for another interview with her, which she had gracefully declined. Well, she wanted to decline, but Santana had handled the whole thing, not willing to give back the reigns as her interim manager and had told the people in question that Miss Berry would get back to them later. This had at least bought her some time without shutting all doors.

Rachel had been curious as to why Santana hadn't let her just say no.

_Because you never know what this might be good for,_ the Latina had answered with a look that didn't leave much room for discussion. With a huff (but a hidden smile behind her hand) Rachel had let the former co-captain be.

"Tom, you really have to give me a little more here on this, before I can buy into it. Honestly, why me and why my story?"

_Ok, I expected you to be skeptical, so I sat down at home and wrote down a little reasoning. Mind you, I came well prepared!_ He wrote with a grin and pulled out another paper from his bag which he handed to Rachel.

The brunette just raised an eyebrow while accepting the folded paper. Carefully she unfolded it and was impressed about how much Tom had written.

"Wow, you really gave this whole thing some thoughts, huh? You surely did come prepared."

"Well…" Tom shrugged and smiled.

He surely meant everything he had told her, Rachel thought. All the trouble Tom went through – starting with willingly having a conversation half written down and ending with the fact that he had indeed written his whole reasoning down. He had taken all the circumstances into account. She began to read.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I thought that once I spilled my idea, you might need a little convincing and explaining. So, let me do just that._

_Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated by people who had an inner fire. Something that kept them going, that pushed them in one direction. I wanted to know what drove those people, what created this intense inner wish to do something specific, to do a certain job, to follow an inner vision. What made them tick? Where did they get their motivation from? And then I was wondering, what would happen if – for whatever reason - that inner fire, that inner motivation was taken away from them. What would be left? How would they go on? Would they be able to find motivation again in their lives? How would they compensate their loss?_

_I had this idea already before I met you the first time at Quinn's theater and before I knew that you had lost your hearing. But I always thought of you. Because you are one of these people who always fascinated me. You've had this fire in your look, in your poise, in your voice, your whole being vibrated with it. You were always so focused, so intent on what you wanted to achieve._

_When I met you by chance at_ Bohemians _, I was so happy, because I wanted to ask you if I could interview you for the research of my film. But you brushed me off and when I later learned what had happened, it really shocked me._

_Guess that wasn't hard to figure out. I'm really sorry I left you standing in the restaurant. Luckily I came to my senses. When I went home that evening, after we had talked, I was even more intrigued by your attitude. How you tried to move on, how you dealt with your friends, your girlfriend, the whole way you presented yourself. Then, when we met again later, even though you couldn't hear, you never stroke me as handicapped or disabled. You were still you; you still have that passion and love for live._

"Oh my," Rachel sighed.

Tom opened his hands in an inquisitive gesture. "What?

"I'm impressed by what you seem to see in me. But I am nowhere near as perfect as you describe me here. I have had my shares of way high ups and downs, believe me. And if you ask my friends, they will tell you that just recently I had another of my big meltdowns and I'm not proud of my behavior. Not. At. All. This last year… it has not been as sugar coated as it might seem. And even though I might smile or laugh again, it doesn't mean that I'm taking it all easy. It is still hard."

She gently placed the letter down on the table.

Tom wagged his finger and pointed at the paper.

"I know there is more to read." Rachel cocked her head. "Maybe you should learn the whole story before you plan on making it immortal on the silver screen."

The handsome young man laughed at that. He scribbled his answer on the other piece of paper.

_I think it can only intrigue me more. And yes, I'd very much like to hear the rest that I don't know. But maybe you should read on._

Rachel looked up and held his gaze for a moment, before she focused her attention back on the letter.

_Your accident has had such an immense impact on your life, still you try to get on with it and I think that could be a very motivating message to people out there. You always were true to yourself. You still are now. And I believe that this is what carries you along in the end. And that is something that does not let you stop. Because if you are true to yourself and your dreams and wishes, then nothing and no one can stop you, no matter how big the obstacles and what the circumstance are. You know what you want and you never doubted that you can get it. It's the conviction and the passion that drives you. Not outer circumstances. Those fall into place. The most important thing comes from within. You have never forgotten what you wanted and you always knew you would get it, no matter how or when, but you never stopped believing._

_I really believe that this is a motivational story to tell and that is why I would like to base the movie on your experience._

_Please think about it before you dismiss it completely._

_Tom_

The brunette leaned back in her chair after finishing the letter. "Jesus, you really mean that." It was more a statement than a question.

"But you have forgotten one point."

He raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "What?"

"What you describe is all in the past. Right now, I have nothing to focus on. I don't have a job. I don't know exactly what to do. So how can that be motivational? You do need a moral of the story in the end."

_Why not take this chance as a way of getting back into the business? I trust you. I believe in you. Help me make this movie and it might open more doors for you._ _I have thought about it a lot. And I believe we can make it work. It will be my first project of that kind, and it will be your first project of that kind as well. So we can learn from each other? And what best than to learn from friends?_

He was so enthusiastic about his idea that it was hard not to get pulled along. Rachel allowed herself the benefit of the doubt and found a small smile spreading across her lips.

Was this actually real? There was a friend sitting opposite of her, offering to become a partner in making in his movie – something she would never have dreamed of! It was almost too good to be true.

"I… I don't know what to say." His words were genuine and true and together they would be able to gain a lot of experience, something that might help her further in her career should she really decide to pursue her acting dreams. Maybe it was a good thing to collect some experience behind the camera first.

The little voice in her head held her back to become too enthusiastic.

"Ok, let me think about it. Give me a couple of days. I need… to digest this."

Tom nodded. _Fair enough. We can discuss any further details and the outline of the story – if you are willing to go ahead with it – next time. I'd really like you as partner on this one, especially when it comes down to the script and the execution._

"Fine." Rachel forced herself to take a deep breath. She was a mixture of excitement, happiness, fear and doubt. All feelings seemed to race through her heart at once, bouncing her back and forth. She felt almost dizzy from all the emotional ups and downs she just experienced.

"God, if I had known you'd drop such a bomb, I probably would never have invited you," she managed to joke.

Tom punched her lightly on the arm _. C'mon Berry, you were never one to shy away from a challenge!_

"Well, some challenges I'd like to skip, to be honest."

_But not this one!_

She slowly shook her head. "Noooooo," then she smiled. "Probably not this one."

Tom smiled and pushed the script across the counter.

Nellie nuzzled Rachel's knee and placed her head on her leg. When the brunette turned her attention towards the dog, the little gray and white beauty placed a paw on her thigh as if saying, _you can do it!_

"Oh god, how can I fail if even you seem to have faith in me?" She laughed and placed a kiss on the dog's head.

… … …

When she told Quinn about the news over Skype later that evening, the blonde seemed speechless for a moment.

"That's exactly how I reacted, but not with so many words," Rachel joked which helped Quinn out of her stasis.

_Wow, Rachel, that is incredible. How did Tom get this idea?_

At that moment Santana seemed to come home as well, because Quinn waved someone closer who was off screen.

_Can I tell her?_

"Sure," Rachel shrugged. "If you two keep it amongst yourselves before I have taken a decision. Which means _you_ especially, Santana." Rachel was ok with sharing her news with Santana as well. She wanted to show her that she worked on her trust in her friend and that she believed the Latina would not betray that again.

"What? What's going on?" A frowning Santana appeared next to Quinn's face on the screen.

Quinn quickly filled her in.

"Oh my god!" That exclamation didn't need an interpretation and Rachel just nodded.

_So, spill the details!_ The blonde urged her girlfriend and Rachel repeated the reasons for Tom's choice in the story.

"I'm so totally gonna be your manager!" Santana exclaimed excited when the brunette had finished, remembering belatedly to sign her words as well.

"Uh, Santana, I haven't made a decision yet. So please keep this under wrap. And I mean it! Before I decide anything, nothing of this gets out. To no one!"

The Latina sobered, remembering too well her recent trespass of Rachel's boundaries and that her rash behavior had almost cost their friendship. She didn't want to go through that again.

_I get it,_ she signed. _But if you do it_ , _you'll need a manager!_

"And what makes you think she'll choose you, Santana?" Quinn asked with a smirk while interpreting at the same time.

_Because of my kick-ass attitude, because I won't accept any crap and because of my charming good looks,_ Santana typed in the chat window.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Let's not forget your incredible experience in the business."

_Ah, that. I'm smart, I can learn quickly. Besides, you can teach me a few things._

"Ok, before this gets out of hand, I still need to think about the whole thing, okay?"

_Rachel, why do you have doubts about this? This was your dream! Now you have such a great chance with a wonderful person that you already know to take on another fantastic project. What's holding you back_? Quinn asked her sincerely.

The petite woman shrugged. "I just need to think about it. I need to figure out how I can do this without my hearing. If interaction in this business with so many different people, I need to find a way so they can communicate with me. Besides, I still have to think about how much of my story I want to be included."

Santana watched her friend for a moment. She waved to get Rachel's attention, who had started to pick at her fingernails. Then she started typing again.

_Berry, you know as well as I do that there is not much to think about. You can still decide how much of your story you want to tell. Or how closely related the story will be to your life. But honestly, I think there is no doubt about the fact that you're gonna do it, one way or the other._

_And before you think too much, before you let too many doubts come creeping up, just say yes._

Quinn shoved her friend with her elbow after reading those words.

"San, I think we should give Rachel some time and let her decide. Even though Santana is right, Rachel. I'm convinced you can do this! Trust in yourself! Look at how far you have come! There is nothing stopping you! We believe in you. Believe in yourself!"

Quinn's eyes were intense when she delivered those words, while her hands formed the signs in parallel.

Rachel pressed her lips together shortly before whispering "Thank you."

Interesting how many people came along in her life and placed such utter faith in her, challenging her to rise above her own doubts and face life again, in all its facets and aspects. Interestingly enough, her path did not lead her away from her dreams; on the contrary, they led her right back to what she loved.

How could she not muster the courage to take on these challenges?

* * *

**I apologize for the many time jumps in this chapter, but I wanted to tie up some loose ends. Hope you still liked it. If not, constructive criticism is welcome.**

**I'll try to update the next chapter quicker. Promise!  
**


	67. Chapter 67

**Don't own… yadda yadda yadda…**

**Jmcafee45: Here you go! Sorry it took so long, but the next one is coming right up.**

**Thank you for all those who left kudos!**

* * *

**Chapter 67**

Rachel had asked Shelby during one of their weekly chats, if she would like to come to Quinn's birthday party. It was obviously a rhetorical question, since they had already decided to come that weekend to celebrate. But Rachel wanted to make it official and also needed someone to help her set up the surprise. Shelby, Beth and Santana could distract Quinn, while Rachel, Kurt, Blaine and Jenna would do the last minute organizations that planned evening.

Beth was also happy to be part of a secret plan and promised to keep it a secret from Quinn. After Rachel finished teaching the girl some new signs and helped her to practice them, she usually also spoke to Shelby.

This way they kept each other updated on their lives and Rachel as well as the older woman had come to like the weekly routine. Slowly but surely a certain familiarity settled in through the regular contact, even though it was just through a computer. But given the distance and Rachel's circumstances, it was a great way of staying in touch and of getting to know each other better.

Through Rachel's regular schedule of calling Beth – or vice versa, Quinn had also started to talk more with her daughter. Whenever she was with Rachel during her calls, she always took the chance to talk to the blonde little girl as well. It felt good and right that the four of them had started to bond more.

Shelby sounded excited after Rachel told her more about the details of her plan and readily agreed to help.

_Rachel, I think it's a wonderful idea and surprise you are planning. I'm sure Quinn will love it!_

"Yes, I hope she does. Thank you for agreeing to help! There is still so much to do!" Rachel half sighed and half laughed. She was excited for Quinn's birthday and also a little nervous if everything would work out.

_She doesn't know anything yet?_ Shelby asked.

Rachel shook her head. "It's going to be a surprise."

As with so many others, she signed along while speaking. Shelby looked closely at her hands, trying to relate the signs to the spoken words. When she wasn't familiar with a certain sign, she often asked Rachel to repeat it so she could store it in her memory. That turned their talks sometimes into another lesson, but neither Rachel nor Shelby did mind.

There was a small pause in their conversation and the older woman sensed that something else seemed to be on her daughter's mind.

Right so, after a little hesitation Rachel decided to tell Shelby about Tom's idea. Shelby was truly surprised and wondered how serious Rachel's former colleague was about that. After she learned that he had already secured the funds and had finished the script, wanting Rachel to come on board as a full partner, she was positively surprised.

_He seems to have done his homework, if he already secured the funds. And the storyline sounds intriguing._ She smiled. _Have you made a decision yet?_

"Officially not. But I my heart already said yes. Guess I'm just a little afraid of what it will entail."

_What do you mean exactly? The work, showing part of your life, the interaction with other people?_

"The latter worries me most. I don't mind the work, I'm actually looking forward to being busy again with something that fulfills me. Regarding the story, it will not be exactly my story, it will be changed a little and I have veto rights. But working on set with the staff, the actors etc. when I do not have much experience in the film business and then having the disadvantage of not being able to hear… that scares me a bit."

Shelby nodded. _I can understand that. But you said that Tom has some knowledge about filming; let him teach you some stuff beforehand. So you don't have to learn everything on set. And you'll probably work with an interpreter -_ Rachel nodded at that. _\- and if you inform everyone from the beginning very openly about how to address you, you might avoid a lot of misunderstandings._ She looked at her daughter who still had an insecure expression on her face.

_Rachel, I understand that it might be scary. That you might miss out on many things being discussed. But find a good interpreter you can work with very well, who you can trust and he or she might be able to keep you informed very well. But don't give up before you haven't tried it. You'll only learn through experience. This is a chance to come closer to your still existing dream, Rachel! We have to work for our dreams to come true. The opportunities might be a present or a gift, but turning those opportunities or chances into a reality means we have to be present! We have to take action and start_ living _our dreams._

The brunette woman smiled gently at Rachel.

_Chin up, Rachel! Shoulders square, chest out, smile on and off you go! YOU CAN DO IT!_

She typed the last four words for emphasis.

This finally made her daughter smile.

"Thank you." She said almost shyly.

Shelby wondered if Rachel would be able to find back to her former self-confidence and open nature. If she wanted to succeed in this kind of business, especially with such a handicap, she needed a good portion of it, if not more than before.

Shelby straightened her own spine, threw her shoulders back and playfully thrust her chin out.

Rachel laughed and got the message. She mimicked the pose, plastered a dazzling smile on her face in addition and said: "Yes, you're right. I can do it."

_Say it louder!_ Shelby challenged. _More convinced, come on!_

The young woman took a deep breath. "I can do it!"

_Louder!_

"I CAN DO IT!" Rachel shouted out and then both women burst out laughing.

_GOOD!_ Shelby typed. _That sounded convincing!_ Then she lifted her hands again to sign.

_Learn as much as possible from that experience. You have the luxury of starting out with a friend, with a story you are familiar with. Use this to your advantage. The way you described Tom, he seems very considerate and kind. You're not alone in this!_

"True, Santana offered to be my manager," Rachel guffawed. "If I let her, I'm sure she'll kick some behinds should something go wrong."

_Yes, I can imagine._ Shelby laughed with Rachel.

The former singer was surprised at how much the older woman's signing had improved. Shelby did not have as much time as Beth to practice, but she had taken up her promise to look for sign language courses and had started to take lessons. Rachel was secretly pleased that her mother took it so seriously and tried to sign as much as possible. Shelby's sense of perfection let her finger-spell words when she didn't remember or know the correct sign. She forbade herself most of the time to use the chat window, wanting to show to Rachel that she truly cared.

When Rachel felt that the other woman was exhausting herself, she insisted on Shelby typing things down. She had to reassure her more than once that it was absolutely ok.

It made Rachel really happy to see that so many people cared about her and tried to learn to communicate with her. Especially Beth's persistence surprised her. Even though she was Quinn's daughter with the same almost alarmingly strive for perfection, Rachel was amazed that the interest in her and in ASL did not diminish. The girl was just ten years old, after all, and surely had enough interesting things to do in life. Nevertheless, the former singer enjoyed the interaction immensely. The girl continued to ask a million questions regarding Rachel's disability and how she dealt with it each time they chatted and never seemed insecure or shy. Still, they also found enough other topics to discuss, like which musicals Beth wanted to see when she came to New York next time and which boys she found cute in her class.

She was looking forward to their next chat and what Quinn's daughter would tell her then about her school and the people she was involved with. Their talks had become one of her highlights of the week and she counted on them to stay a fixed part of their lives.

What she didn't count with was the news that Quinn spilled that evening after she came home from her show.

… … …

Quinn closed Rachel's apartment door and hung her coat in the hall closet. Rachel had started to heat a light vegetable soup, as Quinn had not eaten much before the show and always liked to have a light evening meal afterwards.

Rachel turned down the heat and put the ladle next to the pot. Turning around she greeted her girlfriend. The blonde wore a strange expression and Rachel had a hard time interpreting it, despite having become something like an expert when it came to reading people.

"Hi honey! How was it?" Before jumping right in, she decided to give Quinn the chance to spill the news herself – or whatever it was that caused that funny look on her face.

_Good. The show was good._ Quinn signed and walked around the counter and dropped a kiss on Rachel's lips.

Rachel waited. When nothing else came, she prompted: "Aaaaand….? That's it?"

Quinn nodded. _Pretty much._ She had to bit her cheeks in order not to grin, but Rachel caught on nevertheless.

"Spill, what's up?" the brunette stepped closer and threateningly lifted her hands in a gesture that left no doubts that she would tickle the news out of her girlfriend if she must.

Quinn stepped back, thrusting her hands out defensively. _All right, all right._

A smile lit up her face that could have illuminated all of New York during an electricity shortage.

Rachel bounced from one foot to the other; Quinn's excitement was so contagious. The blonde laughed at her girlfriend's wiggling and decided to not let her wait any longer. Otherwise she was sure she'd have to pay for it later by being tickled until she couldn't breathe anymore.

_Maybe we should sit down,_ she suggested, but Rachel shook her head.

"Nooooo! Now, what!?"

Quinn took a deep breath.

"My show and I are nominated for a Tony award as best musical and best leading actress!" She finally blurted out exhilarated, she had to hear the words for herself coming out of her mouth. She almost couldn't finish signing when Rachel squealed and tackled Quinn in a bear hug.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I can't believe it! Quinn, this is incredible! Congratulations!" And Rachel planted a very passionate kiss on her girlfriend's lips that took the blonde's breath away.

Quinn had been a bit torn about telling the news; she didn't know how Rachel would react. It had been the petite woman's dream ever since her childhood to receive one of those beautifully designed brass medallions mounted on a that shiny black base. And now Quinn was in the position Rachel had always dreamed of, but all the she could do was stand on the sideline and watch.

She had not counted on Rachel displaying such pure joy and genuine happiness for her sake. It moved Quinn beyond words.

The blonde pulled back after a moment and looked at Rachel. There was one more thing she had to say. Actually two, but the other one could wait. She'd love for Rachel to accompany her to the award show, because there was no other person on earth she was more proud of and wanted to be seen with in public then her absolutely wonderful generous and courageous girlfriend. And she needed her support in this, because she knew she'd be nervous as hell and Rachel had that talent to calm her down with her presence and love. But this she would ask her girlfriend later. The other bit of news was more important for now, before Rachel heard it from someone else.

_And you know what?_ She then asked with a gentle expression on her face.

The brunette studied her for a second and then shook her head "What?"

_Funny Girl has been nominated as best revival musical!_

"But – " Rachel frowned. Usually shows were only eligible for awards in the first year they went live. How could it be that it was only nominated now? As well as Quinn's show?

"But how can _Bohemiens_ and _Funny Girl_ be nominated? Both are on stage for more than a year now. Have they changed the rules?"

Quinn smiled. _I was as surprised as you are and I though it must have been a mistake. For the revival category there is a rule that states if there are no other musicals in the same category listed, the musical becomes eligible also in the next year and the next, until there are at least three shows competing in the same category. Now there is Sound of Music, Tommy and Funny Girl._

"Oh, right. I forgot about that. That is great to hear." Rachel felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. She was happy that the show she had helped to give birth to had come so far. On the other hand it was a sign that no one was irreplaceable. Apparently her successor was fitting into the role as Fannie Brice just as well.

Quinn felt the downward pull on Rachel's mood and lifted her head gently.

_It has only become so successful because you had the lead role for two years, Rachel. And even though I think you personally should have received the award for best leading actress in the first year, don't be disappointed. You had a big part in making this show the riving success it has become!_

Quinn knew that this was not easy for Rachel.

Rachel smiled. "And what about your show?"

_That one is easy; we didn't make it into last year's eligibility date. We were actually scheduled to open two months later, but the construction in the theater was finished earlier, that is why we also opened earlier than planned. Which in itself is worth an award. Have you ever heard of getting ready earlier rather than later?_ Quinn shook her head. _Technically we should have been included in last year's awards, but I guess it was all too short notice._

"Oh I remember I read about the eight weeks advance. I felt so sorry for all of you, because two months is a hell of a lot of a cut on rehearsals. Your director must have had a lot of faith in all of you," Rachel smiled wistfully. "But a good thing that was. This way I got to hear you sing at least as they published the CD two months earlier as well. With your regular opening schedule… I wouldn't have been able to hear you sing anymore."

With her soft hand Rachel took one of Quinn's and kissed it lightly. Pushing her own feelings aside, she focused back on Quinn and beamed:

"You are nominated for a Tony! My god, Quinn! We need to celebrate that! Get the champagne, let's call people and tell them! My dads will freak out if they're going to hear that! What about your mother? Have you called your mother? Does Kurt know? What about Santana? And Jen…" She was interrupted by soft lips that covered hers.

She felt Quinn chuckle against her mouth.

_Rachel, do you think I would tell anyone else about this before telling you? Come here, you little rambler._ Quinn grinned and pulled the other woman close again to share another passionate kiss.

"Mmmmm," Rachel purred with her eyes closed. "I'm kissing a Tony award nominee. Feels good. Mooooore." She then demanded and pursed her lips. Quinn followed the request with pure delight.

_Thank you for being so happy for me._

"Why wouldn't I be?" A small frown appeared on Rachel's forehead.

Quinn fiddled with the collar of the petite woman's shirt before she answered.

_Because I know that this has always been your dream!_

Rachel gave her a quick smile, as if saying that yes, it had been her dream, but that there was absolutely nothing she could do about it now.

The blonde took one of the long brown tresses and twirled it round her finger.

Quinn watched the brown, warm eyes shift from her hand to her face. What she saw in them was acceptance and pride. The trace of pain from earlier when mentioning Rachel's former musical, was gone. Instead a mischievous glimmer appeared in them.

"I agree with you Quinn that I should have received a Tony for my absolute stunning portrayal of Fanny Brice. But – as I obviously can't compete in that category anymore," Rachel answered with a grin, "I'll just be gunning for an Oscar now." She shrugged.

Quinn laughed out loud at that presentation of absolute self-confidence that reminded her so much of the old Rachel.

_Well, you have never been modest with your aspirations. Why start now?_

"Exactly."

Both women had to laugh again and Quinn was so happy about Rachel's reaction, her nomination and just everything in that moment that she lifted Rachel and swung her around in a circle.

The smaller woman let out a surprised yelp but continued to laugh. Finally they landed in a heap on the floor, legs and arms sprawled sideways, trying to catch some air.

When they recovered, Rachel rolled on her side, propped her head up on her hand and took Quinn's hand. "I'm really proud of you and I'm so glad that I watched your show. I know you deserve this nomination! And if I can say that without even having heard you sing that night, then you definitely earn this award!"

Quinn hugged her and held her for a long moment. When she released the smaller form, Rachel's enthusiasm was right back.

"Come on, let's call people!" She jumped up and pulled the blonde up with her towards her laptop. Quinn stumbled a bit, tugged forward by Rachel's momentum, which made her laugh again.

Since Rachel wanted to participate in spreading the good news, they called most people on Skype and Quinn was more than willing to interpret most of the conversations.

Rachel watched how their friends and family reacted and felt pure bliss in that moment. Somehow, her own drama and loss seemed so small at that moment in comparison to Quinn's achievement. She was so happy to be part of it all, to actually _know_ about Quinn's work. And she was glad to have realized that even though she could push her own drama always to the front and dim all joy in her life, she rather started to accept it and not let it hold her back any longer. Neither in her further career dreams nor Quinn's or her own happiness.

Feeling sorry for herself for not being in the same position as Quinn would not change the facts. But celebrating and feeling happy about positive things would definitely change the quality of her – their lives. And that is what she chose to do.

Quinn's mother, her sister, Rachel's fathers and Kurt could not contain their happiness either. Kurt even performed a little happy dance in front of the screen. When he sat back down, he suggested:

"You have to tell Will Schuester about this! He'll freak out if he hears that!"

Since he signed along his words, it was easy for Rachel to follow. "He's right, Quinn! He'll be so proud to hear that one of his pupils is nominated for the big one! Can you imagine? He'll probably make it a theme of the week – no months: 'Tony Awards'."

Rachel laughed and made an arching motion with her hands, mimicking their former teacher writing the topic on the white board.

"My god, he totally will," Kurt agreed grinning. "Oh, I would have five songs immediately on the top of my mind which I would perform. One with my best friend!" He pointed at Rachel and both said in unison:

"Defying Gravity!"

Then Rachel laughed, somehow surprised about her own good mood. "Maybe we could change the title a little to "Deaf Defying Gravity."

Quinn gave her a happy bump with her elbow, but Kurt took up the thread. "Yeah, and we could sign along while singing. Perfect. That would earn us a special Tony award!"

"I'm totally sure it would. I'd even give my nomination up to see you do that!" Quinn threw in, grinning.

"Ohhh, who knows…. Maybe with a little alcohol you might get to see it," he grinned and winked at Rachel, who duck her head, smiling self-consciously.

How was it that when Kurt was around they would always come to the topic of singing? Rachel was not sad or angry, just found it interesting that Kurt had this special charm to touch upon this matter without her feeling the familiar pain. And the funny thing was that even though it seemed totally absurd, for a split part of a second she could see herself do it with him.

Kurt and Quinn were not quite sure if Rachel had been offended by Kurt's last comment.

"Don't get your hopes up high, Mr. Hummel, I might want to sing that song all by myself!" The brunette boldly retorted and dissolved the small tension that had built between the friends.

Quinn leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Go for it, I would totally root for you!"

Kurt pulled a face in mocking offence. "Traitor!" Then he added. "Anyway, I'm really happy for you, Quinn! We'll keep our fingers crossed that you'll win!" Then he pointed his finger again at Rachel "And you and I will have to talk! There'll be no such thing as you singing that one ever alone, Ms. Berry!"

Rachel just stuck her tongue out at her friend.

"If you receive that thing, I want to have a picture with you and the award, so I can prove to the world that I befriend a famous star." Kurt then said to Quinn.

"Sure, Kurt. I'll also sign your arm with my autograph," the blonde answered generously.

Laughing, the two women finally ended their calling session and leaned back on the sofa where they had retired to after the first call. It was just so much more comfortable sitting on the soft cushions instead of the hard chairs at the counter.

After playing gently with Rachel's fingers while both women were lost in their own thoughts, Quinn asked out of the blue with an innocent look on her face: _So, what's my birthday surprise?_

Rachel just snorted. "Nice try, lady. I'm not going to tell you."

_Not fair. So not fair!_ Quinn crossed her arms in front of her chest.

The smug grin that covered Rachel's face made Quinn only pout more, but the brunette did not budge. With a little coaxing and nipping and kissing and gentle touching she managed to charm the blonde into bed though, after having emptied their champagne glasses. The gentle love making made up for Rachel's lack of forthcoming regarding her surprise, Quinn conceded.

… … …

Later that evening, Rachel sneaked out and sent a note from her phone to Santana, in case she hadn't heard the news yet. They couldn't reach her before as she was probably still with a client, but Rachel wanted her to know the good news.

_Captain on the bridge!  
Salute to our new Tony award nominee for best leading actress in a musical!_

When Santana later came home and read the message, she first had to laugh out loud and then shook her head. 'Captain on the bridge' had been a sort of code whenever Quinn was seen nearing a group of people in high school. She had not been Captain and been addressed as such without a reason. Whenever she appeared, she dominated the room. She commandeered her team mates with a strict hand under Sue Silvester's guidance, but they were all rewarded with lots of successes. Despite her sometimes harsh treatment of her team colleagues, most of the Cheerios had looked up to her, especially the younger ones.

Santana was sure that Quinn had been aware of people using that code word, but the blonde had never commented on it. Santana couldn't remember who had come up with it first, but it had spread rather quickly through the Cheerios ranks.

The message on her phone reminded the Latina of the good old times.

She was surprised though that Rachel remembered the saying, since she had never been part of the Cheerios, but it was well applied nevertheless, Santana thought. Quinn had a way of making people listen. And Santana loved it even more, that it wasn't necessarily in combination with bullying as in high school, but rather with talent and grace. The leadership qualities in her friend had not diminished, but had been polished and rounded.

Santana understood that it was a tribute from the petite former singer to the formidable performance of her girlfriend. Quinn had truly achieved something great. She was again on top and leading in her field.

It was incredible how far her best friend had come. She had never been the best singer in high school, nor had she had the best voice. But something about Quinn's drive and determination as well as the unique combination of her charms, talent and looks had modeled her into this great singer and actress.

Santana knew that Quinn was aware of the fact that with her voice alone she would never have succeeded as much. But with all that training and the unique acting talent combined, she was an absolute powerhouse.

Santana was immensely proud of Quinn. She was glad that the brunette also seemed to acknowledge this achievement without rancor. That made the Latina so very happy and she silently saluted also to Rachel for her apparent joy and pride, despite her own situation.

… … …

The following week Wednesday, Quinn's manager visited the blonde at her apartment in the afternoon on short notice to discuss her outfit and other organizational details. Quinn did not have a show scheduled for that day and knew she had to plan her attendance of the award show.

Rachel wanted to come by later that day so they could go out to dinner with Kurt, Blaine, Lauren and Max.

Quinn's manager had brought a stack of pictures and suggestions for the dresses with her.

"They just arrived today, so I thought we might look through and eliminate those you don't like right away – if you have time that is. Sorry to drop by unannounced. I was just running an errand and I thought we could to this right away instead of scheduling an extra meeting at my office."

Quinn was surprised about the visit, but happy to go along. This saved her a trip downtown.

She sent a short message to Rachel to inform her about the meeting.

_Hi Rach, Barbara just dropped by with some_   
_dress suggestions. It should not take longer_   
_than six 'till we're though the folders. But don't_   
_let that stop you, whenever you're ready,_   
_drop by._   
_Love you! Quinn_

_Don't worry, I have to run some errands_   
_and then I will probably run back home any-_   
_ways to change. Take your time. I'll be back_   
_at your place at around six like we agreed on, ok?_

_Rachel  
PS: _ Rachel added a picture of her hand with her fingers stretched out, except the middle and ring finger. The gesture displayed the three letters I, L and Y, short for _I love you_. Then she typed a 2 behind it.

Quinn and Barbara went through the different dress styles, colors and designers and quickly eliminated the ones that Quinn absolutely didn't like. Most of the choices were in concordance with her managers, so there were little discussions. The blonde was confident that the decisions on the dressed they would order for a fitting would also be done quickly.

Rachel had finished running her errands a little earlier and decided to drop by Quinn's apartment directly before going home first. They were going to meet Lauren and Max as well as their other two friends at a cozy little restaurant and the clothes she was wearing were just fine for the occasion. No need to go back and change.

"Hi darling! Sorry, I'm a bit early…" Rachel walked into the apartment and noticed Quinn's visitor. The two women were sitting at the dining table with a folder between them.

"Oh, you're not finished. I'm sorry, I didn't not want to disturb you."

Quinn got up and went to hug her girlfriend. Then she placed a tender kiss on her lips and graced her with a smile. Signing, she introduced the two women.

"Barbara, this is Rachel Berry, my girlfriend. Rachel, this is Barbara Durgon, my manager. Barbara just dropped by with some designer prints. We were just looking at some dress proposals for the award show. And you're not disturbing; in fact you can help us pick the right dress for me!"

Barbara, a mid-sized woman in her early forties with blond, short hair, got up and held her hand out in greeting.

"Rachel, I am glad to meet you. I have heard so much about you already," she smiled and watched Quinn interpret her words.

"Oh, really?" Rachel asked with a raised eyebrow directed at Quinn.

"Don't worry, she only told me good things." Barbara smiled. She didn't know if it was appropriate to mentioned Rachel's performance in _Funny Girl_ and she felt a little unsecure of how to deal with the whole situation.

Quinn had mentioned her relationship with Rachel to her some weeks ago, just in case the media picked it up. She had mentioned as well that Rachel had been in an accident and therefore could not perform anymore. Only after Barbara had read the interview, Quinn had also openly talked about the extent of the young woman's disability.

Needless to say that even though Barbara had not known Rachel on a personal level before, she had been shocked and saddened that the very talented singer had to give up her career.

She was glad to meet Rachel now in person and was curious about how both women dealt with the situation. Still, she was unsure about how the petite woman would react to the whole Tony Award topic.

Rachel extended her hand. "Nice to meet you, Barbara." Then she looked back at Quinn, lifting her hands as well in what had become a habit now, signing along her own words. "Are you sure I'm not disturbing?"

Quinn shook her head. "No. Come, take a look," and she pulled her girlfriend to the table. Barbara followed, still intrigued.

Quickly the blonde actress showed Rachel the dresses that had made it into their final selection.

"So, what are your favorites?" Rachel then asked them, looking from Barbara to Quinn. Rachel had taken the seat at the head of the table. Quinn was sitting to her right, around the corner and next to Quinn sat Barbara. It was a good spot to have both woman in her view and still share the folder between them.

"Well, my two personal favorites are this midnight blue, strapless, long silk dress. I think it would look lovely with Quinn's blonde hair. It's very classic and simple, but still very elegant." Barbara watched Rachel nod after having absorbed Quinn's signs. Barbara had pushed to folder across to Rachel and pointed at the respective dress.

"Yes, that is a beautiful dress," the petite woman smiled. "And the other one?"

The manager turned the paged in the folder. "This one looks a bit more modern, is shorter and the color is obviously more eye catching." She pointed at a shorter, dark red dress that had a strap that went around the neck in an elegant bow. It was made of satin, and the skirt fell loosely around the model's knees. It reminded Rachel a bit of the dresses they had worn once during Nationals in Chicago."

She grinned and raised an eyebrow, looking at Quinn, who immediately picked up the unspoken words. "It looks a little bit like our dresses, doesn't it?"

"Yeeees," Rachel breathed, the corners of her mouth tugging upwards at the memory. Then she noticed the quizzical expression on the manager's face and hastened to explain.

"We wore similar dresses at the Show Choir National Championship once. We won that one!" Her eyes gleamed and Quinn nodded, also caught up a bit in nostalgia.

"Ok, and what are your two picks?" Rachel bumped her elbow slightly into Quinn's side to pull her out of her reverie.

"I also like the blue dress, but my other favorite is this one here." The blonde turned the page and turned the folder a bit so Rachel could see the picture better.

The dress she was pointing to was of a dark violet color and had a corsage covered with satin, just like the other dress, but the skirt fell loosely and long to the floor with a little trail. In the texture of the skirt where interwoven very, very thin gold threads, which gave the gown a beautiful warm shimmer.

"Hm, yeah, that one is very beautiful as well." she imagined Quinn wearing it and her heart accelerated a bit. "Hard to choose, I guess," Rachel mused, picturing Quinn in all the dresses, not being sure which one would look best.

Quinn nodded. "What do you think of the three?"

The brunette tilted her head and thumbed through the pages again to have another look at the choices.

"For me it is also either the blue or the purple one. Hard to say which one I like better. Guess you'd have to try them on to make a final choice."

Barbara nodded. "Yes, let's get the final three, the blue, the purple and the shorter one. Then we can check which one looks best on you."

Quinn grinned, happy with the choices.

"So, now we only have to find a dress for you to wear," Quinn concluded with a grin, looking at Rachel.

Rachel frowned. "Wh… what do you mean?"

Quinn turned towards Barbara. "I would like Rachel to be my 'plus one' at the ceremony."

Turning back to her girlfriend she added gently: "If you would like to accompany me, that is."

Rachel gulped. She had purposefully not thought about this before. Under other circumstances she might not have had any doubts, but now?

It had not been long enough for people to forget her. If she stepped into the limelight, even if she was just accompanying Quinn, the press and colleagues would still recognize her. Was she ready for that? Was she ready to answer all the questions that would be thrown at her without being able to hear them? Besides, this was Quinn's evening; she didn't want to pull any attention on herself.

She looked into the gentle hazel eyes in front of her. _Will you do me the honors of accompanying me to the Tony awards?_

Quinn did not say anything else, just repeated her original question. She knew how hard it would probably be for her. And Rachel could see the understanding in her girlfriend's eyes. Nevertheless, she asked her to come with her, just as any nominee would probably ask his or her partner.

Rachel did not see it as neglect from Quinn's side that she did not hint towards Rachel's difficult situation at being seen at the award show. It warmed her heart that Quinn wanted her there by her side as if it were the most natural thing.

This would be the last step for her to fully appear in the public eye again.

Did she truly want that? Especially going to a ceremony where under normal circumstances she might have been invited due to a nomination herself, but now never would have that chance again?

Again she studied the beautiful face in front of her. Both women had totally forgotten that there was another person still present. Finally, Rachel lifted her hands and signed without talking:

_You… you want me to come with you?_

Quinn smiled and nodded. _Only…only if it is not too much to ask._

Rachel opened and closed her mouth again without uttering a word.

So many people asking her so to do so many exciting things, never once doubting that she could do it. Rachel remembered her conversation with Shelby. She could do it. Yes, she could do this!

* * *

**Just watched the 100** **th** **episode and I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED it! That was GLEE! I loved the music, the singers, the story (ok, there was not that much of a back story, lol), seeing them all together, fighting, making up, standing up for each other…. Sigh. Want mooooore!**

**Just some random background information:** **Rachel's joke about changing the song title to "Deaf defying gravity" – that was actually my original title for this story. 'A door in the wall' was just the working title. In the end I left the latter, because I didn't want to give too much away.**

**By the way, I know that I bent the rules a little regarding the eligibility of musical for the Tony awards...sorry about that.  
**


	68. Chapter 68

**Usual disclaimer, no copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 68**

Quinn hoped that Rachel would find the courage to accompany her to the award show. It would mean so much to the blonde, but she didn't want to force the issue. Even though she would be disappointed, she could also understand if Rachel refused to go. Still, Quinn's hope lingered…

Then she caught on the tension coming from her right side where her manager sat.

Barbara looked at Rachel and narrowed her eyes a little.

"What?" Quinn picked up on the skepticism that showed on the other woman's face. Rachel made the connection quicker, she had a good guess what was going on in the manager's head.

"She is right, Quinn."

"What do you mean? She hasn't said anything yet." Quinn rested her hands in her lap after she finished signing. For God's sake, were all managers losing their mind when it came to meeting someone with a disability? What on earth was Barbara's problem?

Rachel tried to clarify it for Quinn before she worked up a storm.

"Quinn, me coming with you to the show will have implications, you do know that, right? Especially the press will love the story about the female Broadway star - Tony award nominee at that - having a) a girlfriend, b) a deaf girlfriend and c) having a deaf girlfriend who used to be a Broadway star herself. Don't you think that will give them too much bait?"

Quinn frowned. Her hands quickly followed her words with just as much emphasis as could be heard in her voice.

"I the hell don't care! Let them write what they want! I'm not ashamed of you Rachel, if that is what you mean. And many probably already know through your interview that we are together. I've said it before; we will never live up to everybody's moral standards. All I see is the love of my live being with me on this important night. I could understand if you didn't want to come because _you_ feel uncomfortable with the whole publicity for obvious reasons. Believe me Rachel, I would fully understand if you didn't want to go, also because your musical is nominated and if people saw you there, well… . But don't worry because of _me_." Quinn cupped the other woman's face and kissed her softly on the lips to mark her words.

"Just know that I would love to have you there. You only have to think about yourself and if _you_ want to do it."

Barbara had listened to Quinn's speech. She softened her gaze when she tried to explain her thoughts.

"Quinn, I'm not saying that Rachel shouldn't accompany you. All I wanted to say is that we should think about the possible scenarios upfront. Let's just be prepared and keep the collateral damage to a minimum and both your appearances at a professional level. You know how dirty the press can play."

Quinn exhaled slowly.

"Collateral damage? Collateral damage caused by Rachel's presence? Are you aware of what you are saying, Barbara!?" Quinn had narrowed her eyes and looked at her manager, her whole body going tense.

Rachel recognized that look and knew that her girlfriend was dangerously close to losing her patience.

In her anger Quinn had forgotten to interpret; the tap of Rachel's hand on her arm and the questioning look reminded her.

The blonde signed without speaking out loud. _Sorry, I got carried away,_ and repeated Barbara's and her own words.

Rachel saw how the manager's comment got Quinn worked up, but understood that it was not meant as an insult.

"Quinn, I'm sure Barbara didn't mean any offense. She is right. My appearance will have an impact and we should work out before how to deal with it." She placed a calming hand on Quinn's forearm and held her girlfriend's gaze until she saw the anger disappear. "Let's sit down and discuss how we will answer any possible questions that might come up. Let's discuss if we want to answer them at all and if so, how. If we are still confident in the end that it is a good idea for me to accompany you, then I will definitively think about it."

She placed a calming hand on Quinn's back and stroked a soothing thumb over her spine.

The blonde exhaled slowly and Rachel caught the flicker of gratitude for her intervention in Barbara's eyes.

"Quinn, I apologize if I made a poor choice of words or if I offended you or Rachel in any way. What I meant was that a little preparation might make it easier for Rachel to deal with the whole situation as well. I can imagine that it might not be easy to go out there again and present yourself in front of the international press." She looked at the brunette and was rewarded with a smile, which relived the older woman.

Quinn had told Barbara some bits and pieces about her 'colleague' and rival in the business Sharon Basont and the manager was shocked by the other woman's behavior. From what Barbara had seen, Rachel seemed honest and pragmatic. She liked her already from the short moments she had gotten to know her.

Of course she had heard the rumors that the petite singer had been a diva and was difficult to work with. However, considering what dramatic change Rachel had to go through and the way she presented herself now, made Barbara doubt the truth behind most of the rumors. Success always created much envy and with envy came the rumors. It wasn't always easy to play the nice in this kind of business. That did not mean you should be disrespectful, but just standing up for yourself and watching out that people didn't just roll over you was already seen as prima donna behavior by some.

Barbara sent a smile back to the brunette and continued. "Rachel is right. Let's plan a strategy. Maybe we can ask the reporter who did your interview to join and ask the official questions. You seemed to get along with him quite well from what you told me and the article he posted was very well written. If you trust him, maybe he will make you more comfortable in that whole surrounding."

Quinn pondered the suggestion while Rachel asked:

"There will be so many other reporters, how do you suggest we react to them?"

"Well, we could make it clear that you will only give one interview and that it will be with Mr. Remmond, Barbara answered and Quinn added: "I can still think about answering the general questions about the nomination and the musical etc. with other reporters."

Rachel nodded slowly. Since she was not going as an official nominee but as company to one of the stars, she would not have to stop and chat with every person that shoved a microphone into her face. And it was absolutely ok for Quinn – if not even necessary for her career - to play nice with the rest of the press.

Rachel would feel comfortable talking to Patrick, especially since he was already familiar with the process of someone interpreting for her. They agreed to contact him and ask if he was planning to attend the show.

Rachel also had to contact Carmen to finally take into account contracting an official interpreter for the night.

After Barbara left, Rachel let out a long sigh and closed her eyes for a moment, imagining herself at the event. Just thinking about it was enough to get her nerves fluttering. It would be the ultimate hurdle she had to take – participate at an official event, parry reporters and other people – all with the help of an interpreter.

Well, if she really wanted to pursue her acting career, she better got used to it. This could be a chance to show that she may have lost her hearing, but not her professionalism.

Rachel jumped when she felt Quinn's hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes.

_Sorry, did I scare you?_

The brunette shook her brown mane. "No. I was just thinking… about the whole event."

Quinn quickly touched her forehead with Rachel's before she dropped a short kiss on her lips.

_Take your time deciding. And remember, you can always change your mind._

"Thank you," Rachel smiled and cupped Quinn's face. "I would really love to be there for you. You know that!"

_I do, Rachel. And no matter how you decide, I know you don't love me any less and I won't feel supported any less._

At that moment Rachel knew that just as with Quinn's concert, she had to do it for her. This was even more important than the year end concert.

These were the Tony Awards!

How could she not be there for her girlfriend? Her own challenges were nothing in comparison to the achievement Quinn had managed. Deep in her heart she knew she could probably handle the situations with the right organization. She had the training, the skills and the means. With an interpreter she would be fairly independent and capable of conducting any kind of conversation.

The only thing she needed was to keep up her courage.

With that resolution she looked at her lover and grinned. "So, you're really sure you want me there?"

_That is a rhetorical question, right?_

The petite woman chuckled. "Right." Then she pulled Quinn onto her lap who landed there with a small "oomph".

"Okay, I'll do it. I'll be your 'plus one'."

Quinn's smile that illuminated her face was reward enough for Rachel. It eliminated all her doubts and questions. It spoke more than a thousand words and the look in the blonde woman's eyes reached her deep down in her soul.

Quinn knew what effort and courage this must cost Rachel. She couldn't find the right words to thank her, but the silent communication that went on between them told her that words where not needed.

She bent down and brushed her lips against Rachel's, slowly teasing with her tongue, begging for entrance which Rachel was more than willing to grant.

… … …

During the following days Rachel worked on the execution of her birthday surprise for Quinn. That kept her mind off the upcoming other great event.

She had spoken to Carmen and had contacted an interpreter. She would meet him a couple of times before the actual award show so they could get to know each other and learn how things worked out. Rachel could also brief him on what to expect. Peter was familiar with interpreting at large events, so Rachel was confident they would work pretty well together. The chemistry between them seemed to fit. During their first conversation they fell into an easy rhythm, chasing different topics back and forth without noticing how the time passed.

Peter was in his early forties, but looked younger. He had shaved the little hair he had left, but it looked good on him. He reminded her a little of an older Puck and that thought was comforting.

Having organized the most important part only left Rachel to find the right dress. But that was the easier task and she had already laid eyes on a nice gown that would look elegant without drawing too much attention.

Rachel was happy that so far everything seemed to work out just fine, the birthday planning in particular. February would be an eventful months for Quinn, but hopefully it would only leave happy memories.

She had just received the final confirmation of her special guest that she would definitely be at the party. This made the brunette so happy that she started humming without noticing it at first while she prepared dinner.

She was pulled from her thoughts by the flashing overhead light. Turning towards the door she saw her girlfriend enter.

 _Rachel, I need to tell you something,_ Quinn stated immediately without preamble after she stepped through the door.

The brunette frowned and put the wooden spoon down which she had used to stir the vegetable soup.

The blonde came around the counter, kissed her girlfriend hello and then dropped her bag on the counter.

"What? This sounds serious. Did something happen?"

 _Sort of. Don't worry, our friends and families are fine…_ Quinn watched Rachel visibly relax _. I don't know exactly how to say this…_

"What? What!? Come on, say it already, Quinn!" Rachel threw her arms up with impatience, wondering what had happened that it was so difficult for her to tell.

'Ok, out with it,' Quinn thought and lifted her hands again.

_They moved the Tony Awards from the original date one week back._

Rachel looked confused.

"What do you mean – they moved it back? That it will be held one week later than planned?"

Quinn only nodded glumly, dreading what that meant.

"They WHAT!?" Rachel leaned on the counter, eyes wide, hoping she had misunderstood Quinn's signs.

Quinn repeated her words, even though she knew Rachel had understood them correctly. She just had to do it for her own sake.

This was practically unheard of. To move such a prestigious award show from its original date – and at such short notice with only four weeks to go – she couldn't imagine what this meant on an organizational level.

 _The Tony's will be held one week later than planned. And that weekend is my birthday,_ Quinn concluded, dropping her hands and head.

Rachel just stood there, staring at Quinn, her brain on override on how to solve that dilemma. Just when everything had panned out so neatly! God damn it!

 _And you have planned something for exactly that weekend …_ Quinn frowned with the teeny tiny hope that maaaaaaaybe Rachel had chosen another weekend for her surprise. Unfortunately that was not the case.

"Yes," Rachel squeaked, seeing all her carefully laid out plans flow down the river.

_And there is no way that…._

"No." Rachel sighed and closed her eyes, her disappointment clearly written all over her face. Of all the things that could have happened, this was not something she had counted on.

Having seen the expression on Quinn's face, she also knew that this wasn't a joke. Was there a higher meaning behind it? Was this a reminder that sometimes the business, Broadway, musicals took precedence over everything else? Rachel guessed it was the ultimate test that she could live with a Broadway star who sometimes had to put her career before anything else. But she also knew that if things were reversed, Quinn would do the same for her.

She took a deep breath and then put on a brave face.

"Well. I guess the only excuse for anything to come between you and your birthday and my plans to celebrate it, would be a Tony nomination. So. I guess this equals the drama and excitement of what I had planned and I will have no other choice than to succumb to the higher good of it all."

"Aaaawwww…" Quinn stepped closer and embraced Rachel in a loving hug. _I'm sorry about this! I truly am! Is there anything I can do to help?_

 _Yes, move the Tony's further down one more week,_ Rachel joked back, signing. _Then we're good._

 _Sure, no problem, with my charms and good looks it will just go like this_ … and Quinn snapped her fingers for emphasize.

"Well, good!" Rachel laughed, even though she rather felt like crying.

 _You seem to make a lot of concessions these days,_ Quinn stated after a moment. She had noticed how Rachel seemed to accept situations without the usual … fight. It wasn't that she gave up, it was more that she seemed to accepted things for what they were and then tried to work her way around it, rather than butting heads right from the start.

Rachel gave her a half smile. "Well, some things you can't change and trying so is only a waste of energy. Believe me; I had my share of those moments. I guess I have learned that sometimes you just have to accept the situation and _then_ find the best way to deal with it." She shrugged. "There is nothing I can do about the show. So instead of hating the organizers or people who screwed up or whatever reason is why it has to be moved, I'd rather focus on trying to figure out how to save your birthday… and the surprise I planned."

Quinn smiled and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek. _When have you become so wise? I was short of strangling someone when I first heard._

"As I've said, I had a lot of practice and firsthand experience these past weeks. Anyway, don't feel bad, it's not your fault! We'll make up for it, okay? And what could be a better birthday celebration than going to the Tony's?"

Quinn felt a smile spread across her face. She had known about Rachel's plans for a while now. Not the details, of course, Rachel wouldn't spill those, but the blonde knew that she had planned something. Even though it was not her fault, she had felt guilty breaking the news. It was understandable that Rachel was disappointed, as was Quinn herself, but she was happy that Rachel seemed to accept the fact a lot quicker then she had.

Quinn had even shortly debated not going to the awards at all. It definitely had crossed her mind a split second.

"Quinn."

But she also knew that Rachel would never EVER let her skip that, for nothing in this whole wide world. So she had pushed that thought quickly out of her mind again. Still, how bad did someone have to mess up to move such an event? Did someone write the wrong date on the invitations? Did the Theater break down? What? She had needled Barbara when the woman told her, but her manager did not have any further news either.

"Quinn!"

Rachel's voice pulled her back into the present.

"Relax. It's not the end of the world and I will find a way to give you … your present at another time. It's not lost, ok?"

She massaged the frown on Quinn's forehead until the blonde nodded and sighed.

"'kay." She dropped a head on Rachel's shoulder, which made the brunette laugh.

"Oh, come on, Quinn. Chin up. Take a shower and I will finish dinner."

While Quinn was in the bathroom washing off the grime of the day, Rachel quickly texted her helpers and the special guest to tell them about the news. They all reacted alike – first disbelieving and then disappointed.

_Oh F***!_

Was Kurt's short and unusual graphic, but down to the point comment.

_What did 'you know who' say?_

Rachel guessed he wasn't talking about Quinn and quickly wrote back:

_Haven't got an answer back yet.  
Have to wait and see. Let's hope we'll get_   
_another weekend._   
_R._

_Yes, keep my fingers crossed._  
Maybe it's a consolation that at least  
 _Quinn will have a big party for her birthday,_  
 _even though it's not organized by us._  
 _K._

 _True_ _. Anyway, keep you posted!_  
Happy to see you Sunday for lunch!  
 _XOXO Rachel_

Rachel hadn't spent much time with her friend during the past weeks and she was happy to share some hours with him. She wanted to tell him about her future plans and hear his opinion. Besides, she missed the laughs and banter they usually shared.

A surprise message came from the person that the brunette had explicitly invited. Even though she could not give Rachel another weekend that she was free, she just asked her if they would like to come visit her instead.

It would be different than imagined, but Rachel readily agreed. Better than having to postpone the whole event eternally. Now they would have to think about Beth and Shelby and how they would share the weekend with them, because they still might stick to their plan to New York.

Quinn came out of the bathroom, a trail of fruity smells from the shampoo and shower gel trailing behind her. Rachel had already set the table and had turned on some music on her laptop she knew Quinn liked. It was something she had not paid much attention to in the past, but she knew that Quinn did not listen to music often when they were together. Either because she didn't want to hurt Rachel or maybe because she didn't need it, being distracted enough with their conversations. But this evening, the thought struck Rachel and she felt it would be a nice thing for Quinn to relax with some good food and nice songs.

Quinn pulled the bathrobe tighter and then slicked her still damp hair out of her face. She noticed that Rachel had lit a couple of candles. Then she realized what was playing in the background.

Her expression seemed to give away everything, because before Quinn could say anything, Rachel smiled a little shyly.

"I just thought you should not always have to sit in silence."

Quinn smiled back. _I'm never in sitting in silence when I'm with you_. But t _hank you, the music is a nice thought,_ she answered with her hands. She sat down and wondered where the thought had come from to put on music. Rachel's words interrupted her musings.

"You might have to adjust the volume. I'm not sure if it is too loud."

Quinn shook her head. _It's perfect. I can hear the music, but it does not distract from our conversation. It… it just took me a bit by surprise_. She frowned a little.

"Is something wrong?"

_No. Just…just had a moment. Forget it._

Rachel stopped ladling the soup into the bowls and focused on her girlfriend. She narrowed her eyes slightly and tried to find out what was going on. Quinn didn't offer any further explanation. So Rachel decided to dig a little deeper.

"A moment of what?"

Quinn took up the spoon and stirred the liquid in her bowl. _It's ok, really,_ she signed with one hand.

"Quinn!"

Finally the blonde looked up after playing with her food for a moment.

"What the hell is going on here? I can feel that something is bothering you. What is it? The music? The food? Your birthday? Something else?"

Rachel kept her eyes locked on her girlfriend's face, not wanting to miss any little cue that could help her understand Quinn's mood.

_Rachel, believe me it's nothing. I just had little back-flashes._

"Didn't seem to be happy ones, judging by the look on your face."

_Why can't you let it go?_

"Because I have the feeling something is bothering you."

Quinn threw her arms up in the air and huffed.

"And I have the feeling it has something to do with _me_!" Rachel placed a flat hand on her chest for emphasis and noticed in her throat that her voice had risen in volume.

 _Rachel, let's not overanalyze, ok? It's nothing and I promise to let you know if something is bothering me. Let's enjoy the dinner._ _It smells lovely,_ she tried to smile.

Rachel kept her eyes fixed on Quinn, but when the blonde didn't offer any further explanation the brunette just nodded and took a small spoon full of the soup. She didn't look up while she continued eating silently.

The brunette raked her brain what she had done to cause that mood, but couldn't find an explanation. After a moment she was startled when Quinn jumped off her stool, strode over to the desk and shut the laptop with a quick motion. Then she just stood there, two fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. She closed her eyes, leaning on the back of the chair in front of her.

Quinn whispered something, but from where Rachel was sitting she couldn't make out the words. Carefully she put the spoon down and turned in her chair. Quinn continued to say something, but it seemed as if she was talking to herself.

"Quinn. Talk to me."

The blonde turned around and gazed at her girlfriend. Rachel seemed a little confused and worried.

 _Rachel, I'm sorry, I just got hit by a wave of … I don't know how to call it._ She shrugged.

The petite brunette slid off her chair and walked over to Quinn. She had the feeling that Quinn knew perfectly well how to call it, but somehow didn't dare to do it. Rachel suppressed a sigh. She wondered if all relationships were this complicated or if theirs was a special case because of her disability and what it did to them. As much as they were still trying to adapt, sometimes it was still a bit overwhelming. Quinn had been brave and strong during the past months, but it wouldn't surprise Rachel if she would be hit by a wave of doubts. The brunette had certainly had her own share of break downs. More than enough. Maybe the stress of the past weeks caught up with her now. Quinn sometimes tended to put a lid on some of her emotions, until they finally broke out of her.

Silently Rachel took the blonde's hand and pulled her over to the sofa.

Reluctantly Quinn followed and slumped down next to Rachel, leaning her head against her shoulder. After a moment Rachel felt her shirt get wet and realized, that Quinn was crying.

Carefully she lifted the blonde's head and turned around to face her.

"Ok, care to tell me what is going on inside that head of yours?" Rachel coaxed gently.

Quinn closed her eyes for a moment, before she slowly lifted her hands and started to explain.

_While I was under the shower, it just hit me that this is so wrong! This is not how it was supposed to be!_

"What is wrong? Do you mean us?"

Quinn nodded. _Us, you._

Rachel felt a cold shower wash over her. What was Quinn trying to say?

"What do you mean?" Rachel's voice felt raspy in her throat.

 _You know, we try to march on and think that this is how it is now and we just try to make it work, but in the end we both know that … that…_ Quinn wrung her hands and then angrily wiped the tears off her cheeks.

Slowly it seemed to sink in what Quinn was hinting at. Everything Rachel had feared finally seemed to have caught up. The blonde couldn't deal with it anymore. Rachel felt her own tears sting her eyes, but was too stunned to lift a hand.

This was how Quinn must have felt after Rachel's outburst. Like the floor had been pulled away from under her feet.

"You mean – you can't deal with it – with me anymore?" Rachel was sure it was just a whisper, but she had no strength to raise her voice.

Quinn's head jerked up. "What?"

Rachel couldn't quite place the look of confusion on Quinn's face. Wasn't that what she meant? That a relationship with her was just too demanding? Too much work and too much worrying and adapting?

The petite woman finally found her voice to speak her thoughts out loud. When it registered with Quinn what her words had caused, the blonde hurriedly tried to explain.

 _No. Oh god, no, Rachel! What I meant was that we both know that it should be_ you _standing up on that damn stage receiving the award. You should continue your career; you should sing your lungs out every fucking day. It's just so goddamn hard sometimes to accept that this will never be the case. And then I keep on thinking… I keep thinking…._

 _You keep thinking what?_ Rachel found it easier to use her hands in that moment that trying to make her voice work again.

_That there must be a fucking way to give you back your hearing. That I would sit on my doctors lap every single day until he found a way to make me hear again. That I would not leave out any possibility to regain my hearing. I have such a hard time accepting the finality of it all._

Quinn lifted her hands in a defensive gesture.

 _I know that we have talked about this before. But sometimes it just hits me and especially with such an event coming up which would have been a given for you, it makes me wonder if there really is nothing we – they can do. I mean, we are talking about the f-u-c-k-i-n-g Tony Awards and you coming with me as_ my _'plus one'. It's just not right. It just isn't._ The blonde shook her head. _We are talking about planning how to tackle the press and everything, but we do not talk about what kind of impact it has on us. On me. On you. It's so hard at the moment for me to realize what this means. It's one thing to talk about it, but I guess it now really hit home. This can't be the end, Rachel, it just can't be. There has to be a way!_

Rachel was taken aback. So _that_ was what it was all about.

And Quinn had put the finger right in the wound. The wound that never seemed to be left alone to heal. The wound that every time Rachel thought it had closed, would rip open again. Only this time, it had not been her to break it open.

Rachel couldn't find the strength to lift her hands or speak out. Of course the whole situation was still hard for her. Of course she missed every single sound she had ever heard in her life. But she knew that her chances of healing were slim to none and she had truly learned to work her way through all the obstacles.

She had thought that when she was on the way of acceptance, everyone around her was there too. That Quinn still hadn't given up hope, hit her like a hammer.

Quinn was still crying, trying to wipe the tears away. _I'm sorry, Rachel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought this up._ Her hands were shaking when she signed.

Rachel shook her head. "No. Don't apologize. It is good that you told me what you're feeling. It just… took me by surprise." She let out a long breath.

_Rachel, believe me, this has nothing to do with having to learn ASL or with adapting to the situation itself. Don't ever think this is too much for me. I just want so much for you to hear again! I want you to be happy again. I want you to be able to do all the things you love!_

Rachel was relieved to hear those words. There had been a small part of her that had feared that living with and being in love with a deaf person was too much for Quinn.

She rubbed her eyes.

"Quinn, believe me, I have done everything that is possible. I have had almost every check-up that exists in order to find a way to get at least some of my hearing back. But currently there is nothing that can be done. The only thing that could happen is that the nerve cells repair themselves somehow, which would come short of a miracle. I promise, I will get further check-ups, just in case, but we have to live with the fact that… I am deaf."

She looked into the hazel eyes.

_I know. I know. Sometimes it still hits me hard to know what you have lost and I guess today was one of those days._

Rachel cupped Quinn's face and gently lifted her head, feeling tears welling up. "You have every right to be sad or angry about this as well, Quinn. No one denies you these feelings. Just don't swallow everything, please." She bent forward and kissed to tears on the blonde's cheeks away.

Then she smiled. "For the record, looking back at how far I have come and how much further I – we – will go, I can honestly say: I _am_ happy. I am going to the Tony Awards, accompanying the one person I love more than my life. I _am_ continuing with my career. Not as a singer, but I'm taking on Tom's project. I will visit Broadway with this class of deaf kids and all this gives me so much more than I would have ever hoped for just nine months ago. It might not all turn out the way I have planned it all those years ago, but I'm still going to do what I like and love."

 _I know. I just can't…_ Quinn still sobbed and Rachel let her tears fall freely as well. But those were not the desperate, unhappy tears she had cried so much over the past months. The pain did not stab as deep as it used to. Because all the happy memories and prospect projects cushioned the blow. She was still sad, but she also knew that finally she was on her way forward again. Rachel understood Quinn's helplessness and the disappointment of not being able to do anything for her physical condition. So she just held her until she felt her calm down again, glad that the blonde had told her what had caused her mood swing.

After a moment Quinn raised her head and laughed embarrassed.

S _orry for being hysteric._

"Shhh, it's ok. Next time it's my turn again," Rachel joked, wiping Quinn's tears away. "Are you feeling better?"

Quinn nodded and sniffed. "Yes."

Gently, Rachel tugged strands of blonde, unruly hair behind one of Quinn's ears.

 _And sorry for ruining our dinner._ Then the blonde grabbed Rachel's hand and placed it on her belly. Rachel felt the rumbling inside. _My stomach is complaining about the missed dinner. You think we can reheat the soup?_

The petite woman laughed, relieved that the tense moment seemed to be over.

"I think we can." She pulled Quinn over to the kitchen and while the blonde wrapped he arms around her girlfriend from behind, Rachel tried to concentrate on heating the food again.

It wasn't an easy task while Quinn was nibbling at her earlobe.

* * *

**Next, da Tony's! Get your dresses out, prep up, it's going to get glamorous!**


	69. Chapter 69

**Ok, guys, here it comes, 'da Tonys', though first we have to celebrate Quinn's birthday a little as well :-)**

**Apologies for the long long wait, I was buried in work and then I was traveling over Easter. But I have the next chapter also almost ready, so you won't have to wait for the next update as long as for this one– promise! This chapter has gotten so long that I had to split it in two.**

**Thank you for all your kudos!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 69**

The time until Quinn's birthday and the Tony Awards went by too quickly for Rachel's liking. She was half excited about the day and half she dreaded the whole public event.

But before getting too nervous about the evening there was her girlfriend's birthday still and that was what mattered most.

Lying awake in the dark, early morning hours on Saturday, she enjoyed the warm sensation of holding Quinn's body close in her arms. Rachel had been so nervous about the upcoming award event, that she hardly found any sleep. The advantage though was that it gave her an early start to prepare Quinn's birthday morning, now that she was awake.

Slightly turning her head, she glimpsed at the illuminated digits of the alarm clock. 5.30 a.m. Rachel sighed. Well, at lease she seemed to have slept a couple of hours, remembering the last time she had checked the time, it had told her 1.30 a.m.

Rachel had debated with herself whether to tell Quinn about her surprise or to let her suffer and sit it out until it was actually happening. But in the end, also after discussing her decision with Kurt and Santana, she found that it would not be fair to keep it a secret any longer. So she had mentally laid out a plan how to tell Quinn about it.

After gently brushing her lips over the sleeping women's forehead, the petite brunette slipped out of bed quietly. She had enjoyed snuggling up against her lover while the other woman still slept. Her heart was beating faster when she thought about how Quinn might react to her surprise. She quickly dressed and carefully closed the bedroom door behind her.

In the kitchen she put the cake in the oven that she had prepared the night before. She had hidden the dough in the fridge behind some bottles that Quinn wouldn't notice it.

Smiling, she prepared the little candles that she would put on top. Slowly, the sweet and warm aroma of the baked good filled the apartment. Rachel turned on the coffee machine. For a moment she reveled in the wonderful smells, closing her eyes, inhaling deeply. Coffee and cake always reminded her of her grandma and they never failed to place her back into the old woman's kitchen. These wonderful smells were always associated with positive memories.

Opening her eyes she was startled by the figure standing opposite the counter.

"Santana," she breathed, relieved that it wasn't Quinn. "Did I wake you?" she asked whispering.

The Latina shook her head. _No._

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "What? You woke up just like that? This early? It's barely past seven o'clock!"

_I know. It's just that I have to get up so early during the week that my body refuses to sleep in during the weekend, it seems,_ she signed and yawned heartily. _What can I do to help?_ She then asked again with her hands, waving around the kitchen.

"Maybe you can put _the_ CD in the player, while I prepare the rest of the breakfast." Rachel suggested.

Santana cooked her head and looked at Rachel.

"What?" she asked cautiously. The former singer knew that look.

_Just had a thought._

"What?" Rachel didn't know if she should be curious or dread whatever Santana had cooked up in her brain.

_No CD._

"What do you mean, no CD? It was laying there on top of the pile." Rachel was confused. She walked around the counter towards the stereo.

Santana caught her by the arm. _That's not what I meant._

"Then what?" God, Rachel just wanted to get on with her preparations in case Quinn woke up early as well. She wanted to be ready when the blonde walked out.

Santana dragged her into her room in order to explain her thoughts. Understanding what she meant, all color drained from Rachel's face. But Santana had a way of always talking her into things and making her push boundaries she thought were unreachable.

With a small nod, barely perceptible, she agreed. Santana rushed quickly out to organize a little distraction for Quinn.

… … …

Quinn stretched her arms behind her head and smiled without opening her eyes. There was sunlight streaming through the curtains and she thought it was wonderful that her birthday started with the weather playing nice.

Turning, she found the bed beside her empty. Glancing at the alarm clock she saw that it was already nine. She lay still and listened, but all she could make out was some music playing in the apartment. Hm, probably Santana was also awake. Quinn knew it was her day off, so it was great to have Rachel and her here for breakfast. The two most important people.

She sighed contently and dropped her arms besides her body. Then she lifted the covers and swung her legs over the rim. Quinn didn't bother to throw on some clothes; she felt comfortable enough to slip out in her PJ pants and T-shirt she wore.

Quinn was almost dying of curiosity to learn what Rachel had planned. She knew that the Tonys messed up everything, but she still hoped she would learn what her girlfriend had originally planned.

Opening the door, the warm smell of baked goods and coffee wafted towards her. She felt her stomach grumble as she stepped out in search of the enticing aroma's sources. A quick stop to brush her teeth at the bathroom and she was off again in search of her friends.

… … …

Santana cocked her head and grabbed Rachel's arm. Then she jerked her head towards the door.

_Is she awake?_ Rachel asked silently.

Her friend nodded and started grinning. Quinn passed by the door and did not see her friends in Santana's room.

"Hello? Anyone there?" Quinn's voice tried to drown out the music.

_Ready?_ Santana asked and then held Rachel by her shoulders for encouragement.

"Never," she whispered and duck her head, but a tiny smile played around her lips. That was all Santana needed to see.

This was crazy, Rachel thought. She had not time to prepare – not really. And why she had agreed to Santana's crazy idea, she had no idea. Must be the lack of sleep.

Rachel took a deep breath and walked out.

"Hey, darling!"

Quinn turned and a smile brightened her face. Rachel stepped up to her, wrapped her arms around the other woman's neck and kissed her passionately.

"Happy birthday, sweetie!" Rachel grinned against Quinn's lips. Then she felt a movement behind her and turned. Santana was impatiently waiting for her turn to congratulate her buddy.

"Happy b-day, Q!" She quickly hugged her friend.

Quinn laughed and commented: "Thank you! I'm not going to ask you what you were doing hiding in Santana's room. I'm just pretending that I didn't see that."

"Yeah, that's the correct attitude," Santana grinned and patted Quinn on the shoulder while she passed her to get the coffee pot.

Rachel walked around her and pulled out the chair at the head of the table.

"Mylady, breakfast is served."

Quinn gracefully slid onto the seat. The cake she had noticed before, but only now saw that it was her favorite, a marble cake, and it smelled wonderful.

_Did you bake this?_ She asked over her shoulder.

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I did. It's still warm," she smiled, while she lit the candles.

"Ohhhhhh god, to die for." It didn't matter what other birthday surprised might have await her still, this was already the best, Quinn thought. A marble cake fresh out of the oven. There was just something about it when the rich, dark chocolaty part melted on her tongue and got mixed with the lighter part of the cake.

Santana laughed at Quinn's ecstatic face. "You think it can still wait for a second?"

"Why?" Quinn asked without taking her eyes of her cake.

Rachel found it absolutely cute how infatuated the blonde could become with food. She guessed if she had put some pieces of bacon in it instead of chocolate chips, Quinn would probably devour the whole thing at once.

"Because this is not the only present you're getting this morning." Santana explained, accompanied by her hands. She knew that Rachel would have tried to put things off a bit longer, but the dark haired woman knew it would not make things better.

"Can I blow out the candles first?" Quinn asked, her eyes still gleaming with joy over that simple, but thoughtful present.

Rachel laughed. "Go ahead." She watched as the blonde took a deep breath and then managed to extinguish all the little lights at once. Quickly Quinn closed her eyes and made her wish. When she turned her attention back at the other two woman, Santana nodded at Rachel.

The brunette cleared her throat. God, she was nervous. Quinn's gaze flicked between Santana and Rachel who had positioned themselves at the other end of the table. Rachel held on to the back of the chair in front of her like it was a life saver. Then she forced herself to pry them off to accompany her own words with signs.

"Well, you know that I had actually planned something completely different for this evening," Rachel began and hoped her voice sounded ok and not as shaky as she felt. She saw Quinn nod.

"And since a small, unimportant event came in between you, me and your surprise, I had to rearrange things a bit." She quickly glanced at Santana who nodded encouragingly.

"But I didn't want to let you wait any longer so I decided to tell you what your present is, even though you might not actually enjoy it today. I hope that is ok." She let out a long breath.

Quinn smiled bashfully, thinking that she didn't deserve so much attention. Still, she had no clue what the surprise could be. She nodded again in answer to Rachel's comment and her girlfriend continued with her explanation.

"I had a special surprise - in form of a person - for the party I was planning for tonight. Unfortunately, this person could not make any other date soon, when I told her about the changed dates. But –" she held up her hands before Quinn could say something, "-since she cannot come to you, you will go to see her."

_Her?_ Quinn asked with her hands looking even more confused. At that moment someone knocked on the door and Santana held up her hand, explaining to Rachel what was happening. Rachel looked at the clock above the oven. Oh no, it was already so late! She couldn't do this….not with other people around…

The door opened and Shelby and Beth entered. Quinn's eyes went wide at the surprise visit. The visitors greeted Santana and then Beth ran towards Quinn and hugged her. Shelby followed more slowly and while Beth was still clinging to Quinn, she went to Rachel first.

_Hi Rachel, good to see you again!_ She signed and hugged her daughter. _I think this part of the surprise worked!_

"Hi Shelby, good to see you, too!" Rachel laughed, relieved that Quinn seemed genuinely happy about her visitors.

Shelby eyed Rachel and thought something was a little off, but didn't know if she should directly ask about it. She decided to wait and went over to Quinn to wish her a happy birthday as well.

Rachel threw a pleading glance at Santana, telling her with her eyes that she wouldn't be able to do this, not now, not anymore.

Santana could understand Rachel's dilemma a little, but still thought they should go through with her original idea.

Beth sat on Quinn's lap and while the blonde talked to her daughter, she moved her hands in parallel. "Beth, tell me a little later about your trip, Rachel wanted to tell me something about my birthday surprise before you two arrived. Though, you already are a wonderful surprise!"

Beth laughed and delightedly clapped her hands together. "Oh, yeah, but that is not the real surprise. It's so great, you're gonna love it!" Then she remembered belatedly that Rachel couldn't understand what she was saying and slowly signed the next sentence. "Tell her, Rachel!"

Rachel sighed. She had recovered from her initial shock a little.

"Where was I? Ah, yes. I was telling Quinn that the special guest unfortunately was not available at another day, but that Quinn would at least see her _somewhere else_ …." Turning to Quinn she continued: "Now, you have to keep the second weekend in May free – and I know you don't have any shows scheduled there, Santana checked with your director. Because, well, actually, we will go to a private concert …." Rachel let her voice trail off and studied her hands. Then, with superhuman effort she raised her head and looked at Santana, who took the hint. The Latina had placed herself behind Quinn and silently started counting backwards with her fingers.

On cue, Rachel raised her voice and watched Quinn's eyes go wide. Then she placed her hands in front of her face as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. And then she was laughing when she heard the slight text changes.

_You won't find her playing under tables_   
_Rolling dice or staying out 'till three…._   
_You won't ever find her being unfaithful_   
_you will find her, you'll find her next to me.  
_

_You won't find her trying to chase the devil_   
_for money, fame, for power, out of grief_   
_you won't ever find her where the rest go_   
_you will find her, you'll find her next to me._

Rachel had to laugh when she saw Quinn jump up to stand next to her.

Santana sang the chorus and Shelby joined her spontaneously. Rachel finished singing the last

_You will find her, you'll find her next to me._

Quinn's expression changed from laughter to crying and back to smiling during the short song. She was so amazed by the impromptu performance of her girlfriend that it rendered her speechless.

Santana smiled proudly and held her two thumbs up, while she walked up to Rachel and hugged her.

_That was great, Rachel, really, and I'm so proud of you!_

Rachel felt her voice shake a little, she was still so nervous from having sung that song in front of so many people, one of them being Shelby.

She saw Quinn struggling to regain her composure and Beth hugged her lovingly while Rachel couldn't read Shelby's expression. Then Quinn disentangled herself from her daughter and threw herself into Rachel's arms.

"Oompf," Rachel laughed and made a step back to regain her balance.

"Guess you know now whom you are going to see," she grinned.

The brunette felt Quinn nod against her shoulder.

After a long moment the blonde seemed to be able to let go of her girlfriend. Rachel had held Quinn with her eyes closed, not daring to look at Shelby or Beth, out of fear what she would see in their eyes.

Quickly Quinn wiped her eyes dry, placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's lips and then signed:

_Whenever I think, nothing can surprise me anymore, you always manage to prove me wrong. You always know my most inner wishes, sometimes even before I become aware of them._

_First the cake, then that we are going to see Emeli Sandé and then… and then… you singing with the rest of the guys here, my god, I just…_ Quinn started crying again and Rachel pulled her close.

"Aww, come here."

Few weeks back Rachel had noticed that Quinn seemed to sing the same song over and over while she was busy either preparing dinner or flipping through a magazine. Often she seemed to do it subconsciously. Rachel had asked Santana once what the song was and after she knew what Quinn was singing, she asked her directly the next time she noticed.

Quinn told her that she had loved Emily Sandé's voice and music so much. Immediately she had blushed, realizing what she had said.

Rachel had merely nodded and filed the information away in her brain. When she had thought about Quinn's birthday, she had remembered their conversation and the dreamy look in Quinn's eyes. Rachel still knew some of the songs, and remembered she had sung _Next to me_ with Shelby when she preparing for an audition. Actually she just wanted to play that song from the CD, however, Santana had somehow managed to talk her into singing it herself. In retrospect that had been the better present.

Quinn wanted to know how she had gotten the tickets for the concert. Sometime it was funny how easy things turned out to be. Rachel told Quinn that Max had a good friend who was a good friend with the singer.

The star was on tour through the US and all concerts had been sold out. When Rachel had told Max and Lauren that she wanted to give Rachel tickets for her birthday, Max offered to talk to his friend. He knew that the singer had planned a private concert at a club in the city. He had managed to secure some tickets and Rachel was happy to plan the birthday party at the club.

For whatever reason, Max's friend Terry had given Emeli Rachel's email address and the singer wrote her personally and told her that ten VIP tickets would be reserved for her name. Rachel had sat speechless in front of the e-mail, wondering how she had gotten the honors of a personal e-mail form the certainly very busy star. It was quickly explained; Emeli had seen her in a musical and felt herself honored to have Rachel and Quinn with some friends as a guests at one of her concerts.

That was the reason why Rachel had been so disappointed when it was clear that they would not be able to go the concert.

Luckily, Emeli had planned another private concert in May in LA, after she finished her tour through the US. She offered the same amount of tickets for that concert, when she heard that the birthday girl would have to attend the Tony's instead of her concert.

Quinn needed a moment to get her voice working again after she realized what a precious gift and once in a lifetime opportunity that was.

"Wow, Rachel, I… I don't know what to say! This is just the best birthday ever! Oh my god, I'm going to see Emeli Sandé!" Quinn signed and squealed at the same time, making her guests laugh with her.

After making sure she had kissed Rachel enough – though for these wonderful presents she could never give her enough thanks – they settled down.

They all sat around the large table and shared a wonderful breakfast. Rachel was amazed to see that almost the whole conversations took place in spoken and signed languages. She was touched that her friends – and family - never gave up on the trouble to include her. Contently she leaned back in her chair. She was happy at that moment. Happy that her surprise caused the desired effect, happy that Shelby and Beth were here and had learned ASL as well, happy that Santana never ceased to believe in her strength and abilities. And she was happy that she had let her heart rule over her ego to let all the love in that surrounded her.

There was just one thing that made her even happier and that were Quinn's gleaming eyes. They conveyed more than words could say whenever her hazel orbs focused on Rachel.

… … …

Later, when they cleaned up the dishes, Shelby found herself a minute alone with Rachel. The brunette was still a little apprehensive of Shelby's opinion of her singing and had vowed not to ask for a comment. If Shelby didn't offer one herself, it was probably not to hurt her and Rachel did not want to dig.

The older woman held out a paper on which she had written:

_Rachel, this was probably not easy for you, organizing a concert for Quinn and then sing that song! From all what you have been going through to put your own struggles aside just to make someone else happy, that means more than most people understand. I just wanted to tell you, that I am so incredibly proud of you! I consider myself very lucky to have been allowed to hear you sing again. And you did sound wonderful. Honestly._

The brunette stared at the paper, then shrugged shyly. "Thank you," she whispered. She didn't know, she'd have to take Shelby's word for it.

The older woman gently lifted her daughter's chin with her finger.

_I know it is hard to trust others with their opinions. But you can believe all of us in this room, no one would lie to you._

"I hope so."

_No. Don't hope. Believe._

Rachel chuckled. "Ok."

At that moment Beth came from behind and hugged her 'sort-of-sister'.

"Hey, girl, how do you like New York so far?" Rachel asked the girl.

_It's good, but we only arrived last night,_ she answered, using her hands as well to carefully accompany her words with signs. After a little pause, Beth commented:

_I liked your singing. You still have a beautiful voice. See, you can still do it!_ She grinned, hinting at the conversation they had at the Lima Bean some weeks ago.

Rachel bent down and placed a kiss on the girl's head. She saw in Beth's eyes that she meant what she had said.

_Did you have to practice a lot?_ Beth didn't know the word for practice and wrote it down on the paper. Rachel showed her the appropriate sign and Beth repeated the sentence completely.

The brunette was still surprised about the perfectionism the young girl displayed.

She answered likewise, using her hands while she spoke, like she did most of the time now.

"Yes, I had to practice." She threw a look at Santana. "Santana had to help me find the right tune at some parts of the song."

"Just twice!" Santana shouted across the room and held up two fingers. Beth laughed and Rachel turned to see what was going on, but Santana had already dropped her arm again and just winked at her friend.

Shelby and Beth soon said good-bye to enjoy the afternoon in the city and go to a musical in the evening. They would come by again in the morning before they had to fly back to Lima Sunday afternoon. Kurt and Blaine, as well as Julia would also join them in the morning for the after-birthday and after-Tony celebration.

Santana buried her nose in a book, deciding to spend a lazy afternoon at home.

Quinn's arms sneaked around her from behind when all guests had cleared out of the kitchen. While Rachel felt the blonde's chest vibrate against her back, she saw Quinn's hands in front of her form the words.

_Best birthday ever! Thank you so much for this wonderful wonderful wonderful surprise. Even though I love Emeli and her music so much, nothing can top your performance today._

_And whatever will happen tonight, I have already received more than I ever could have wished for today!_

Rachel leaned her head back and let herself be swayed slowly in a silent dance whose rhythm only the tow of them could feel in their hearts.

… … …

Later in the afternoon, after getting ready and 'glamming up' with the help of Quinn's stylist and hairdresser, the two women looked at each other and smiled, each thinking that she had already won the most important award in the world.

Quinn trailed a finger along the seam of Rachel's elegant charcoal dress, gently caressing the soft skin of her cleavage underneath it. She had the dark locks put up in an elegant bun, with few, curly strands escaping their refinements, while Quinn wore a French braid with pearls interwoven into the blonde strands, then end of the braid tucked underneath the upper part.

To liven up the dark color, Rachel had draped a magenta colored stole in across her shoulders.

"You look lovely and absolutely beautiful!" Quinn stated, hearing the huskiness creep into her voice.

Rachel quickly dropped her eyes to Quinn's lips, reading the words from them.

_Thank you,_ she smiled, forming the words with her hands. _And you look stunning and beautiful and breathtaking! That dark purple is a nice contrast to your hair._

Their lips touched and both women had to force themselves apart, before their passion ruled over rational.

"We… have.. to leave," Rachel breathed in between kisses.

Quinn only nodded, not wanting to take her hands off Rachel.

Finally they parted, their eyes dark and full of longing.

"Later," Rachel managed and then turned to reach for her purse, knowing she had to break eye contact with Quinn, otherwise they would never get out of that door.

"Ahem."

Quinn turned and saw Santana casually leaning against her doorframe.

Rachel followed Quinn's gaze and smiled.

"Girls, look nice and let me take a picture suitable for general audience – I didn't want to capture you devouring each other." Santana held a camera in her hand and Quinn quickly interpreted her wish for Rachel.

"I do say, you both look decent enough to be let out onto the street," the Latina grinned, while she adjusted the settings on the camera, one corner of her mouth curled up in a lazy grin.

"To hear an honest compliment would be a first, San," Quinn teased and pulled Rachel to her side.

"Yeah, ok. You both do look beautiful. There, I said it. And I know for sure that not only guys will turn their heads when they see you!" She didn't look up while she kept fumbling with the camera.

_Santana did actually admit us to look beautiful,_ Quinn told Rachel. _And she thinks we'll cause boy and girl crushes tonight,_ she grinned.

"I already have a crush on you," Rachel whispered and was distracted by Santana's waving hand.

"No more kissing, smile!" She ordered and the two women leaned close to each other, but focused on the lens in front of them.

Santana took a couple of pictures, some of them turned out to be lovely portraits of both of them.

When satisfied, she shooed them off. "Go, have fun! I'll watch you with Julia waltz over the red carpet on TV! Good luck!"

With a second thought, Santana shortly held Rachel back.

_I believe in you, Berry. You'll manage!_ She signed with a serious expression. _And I'm very proud of you for doing this, not only for you, but also for Quinn. I know that this means a lot to her._

Rachel quickly looked at the floor, before gazing up into Santana's eyes again. She just nodded.

_I know I'm usually not a person that easily complements people,_ Santana added. _To be honest, this morning, I didn't think you were going through with it, not when Shelby and Beth arrived. I would have let you off the hook then._

"You would have?" Rachel exclaimed. That would have been a first.

Santana nodded. _Yes, I would have. I know I can be a slave driver, but I know you and even though it might not seem that way, I know how much effort this cost you. Getting back to my comment regarding complementing people, I'm grateful I could hear your voice again. Hear you sing. It did sound wonderful, like Quinn said. And,_ \- Rachel thought she saw Santana swallow and a curious expression chased across her face – _I'm glad you trusted me enough to practice that song with me in the morning._ Santana reached out and hugged her friend quickly that she didn't see her fighting back the tears.

When she had collected herself, she continued. _You keep surprising me, Berry. And I really like that,_ the Latina grinned.

Rachel chuckled. "Well, I keep surprising myself." She sobered. "Thank you Santana. Thank you for never giving up and that you keep challenging me."

"Girls, when you are finished with your prep talk, we should go…. I think the limo is waiting for us," Quinn commented both ways and then pointed with her thumb over her shoulder.

She had followed the conversation between the two friends and secretly had to agree. Rachel kept surprising her as well and Quinn wondered how she had deserved so many wonderful surprises and so much support from her girlfriend. The wonders did not seem to end and she was eternally grateful to god, the universe or whoever held a hand over them, that they had managed to work out their differences.

They each hugged Santana before they threw on their coats and descended onto the street.

In the elevator Quinn pulled Rachel close and held her in a loving embrace. Before the doors opened, she gently kissed the full lips again, seeing in Rachel's eyes that she understood what the blonde was telling her without words.

… … …

A black Limousine was already parked outside and the driver dutifully held the door for them.

Rachel felt the familiar rush of excitement flow through her at the sight, only this time it was also mixed with a lot of nervousness.

Sliding inside, they greeted Peter, who had been picked up on the way to Quinn's apartment. It was nice, Rachel thought, that Barbara had arranged the pick-up for her interpreter. She hadn't expected it, but the manager had insisted. No way that this man had to take a cab to meet her.

"Hi Rachel, Quinn! You both look absolutely wonderful," he greeted them and signed along.

"Thank you! You don't look too bad in your tux either," Quinn smiled and Rachel bumped her elbow into her ribs.

"Don't listen to her understatement, you look really great, Peter!" Rachel laughed.

Thank you, ladies, he grinned. Quinn had met Peter twice before when they were discussing and planning their attendance. She had noticed Rachel and him getting along quite well and was convinced that he had enough experience and sovereignty to support Rachel at the event.

He tapped Rachel's knee. _Nervous? Excited?_ He asked with his hands.

Rachel let out a breath and nodded. _Both,_ she signed back.

Even though she theoretically knew what awaited her, she wasn't so sure how it would really turn out. Yes, she knew the drill about the fans and press waiting at the drop off where the car's let the attendees out. She knew about the red carpet, the stands with the fans, the TV crews, more reporters and more fans.

As it was a dry and sunny day, people would be willing to spend more time outside than at other times, where the cold and nasty weather had driven them all back indoors rather quickly. Rachel had almost hoped for such an excuse, but apparently fate wanted her to play the game to the full extent.

Well, she consoled herself, most attention would be bestowed on Quinn and the other nominees that paraded the carpet. So even though she did not want to use the back entrance – and Quinn would have never allowed that – she hoped that she would not call much attention. And after all, why would she? She was not staring in any musical anymore.

A surprise had been a letter from Anna, though, her former colleague. As not many had her actual address, Rachel was not surprised that the invitation had come through that channel. But she had been surprised that the invitation came at all.

The cast had officially invited her to join them, because of the nomination. As she was not an official member anymore, she had thanked Anna and the rest, but had declined. She had mentioned that she would attend the event to support Quinn, but she did not see herself in any position or right to own an official seat.

Knowing she would run into her former cast members, did not help to decrease her nervousness.

_Honey, we will walk across the red carpet together. I will stay by your side!_

Rachel smiled and shook her head. "No. I appreciate your concern, but this is your night! Enjoy it! I'll be fine."

_But no sneaking around the back door, ok?_ Quinn half joked, half meant it in earnest. Rachel had told her about the letter, and about her answer. The blonde understood her reaction, but hoped that everything wouldn't prove to be too much. Still, she insisted on Rachel having earned all the right to walk with her through the front door.

Quinn looked deep into the dark eyes. She knew that Rachel tried to be brave. She knew and saw behind the smile the insecurity and nervousness. And she loved Rachel even more in that moment. Remembering her four days without hearing, how nervous she had been to be around just a few people, she could imagine how Rachel must feel right now when they were approaching the flashing masses.

Rachel still thought that she would play a minor role, but Quinn knew better. Rachel had been a rising star at the Broadway sky, she had several success and very positive critiques under her belt. There were enough people out there, especially tonight, who would remember her and who would want answers, especially with _Funny Girl_ being nominated.

They had talked about it at length. But Rachel was still convinced – or maybe even hopeful – that she would not draw that much attention.

The limousine stopped and the driver went around to open the door. Quinn was the first one to emerge, after giving Rachel a reassuring squeeze of her hand. The flashes went off like crazy and all Quinn could hear was her name being shouted from every direction.

The lights illuminated the interior of the car. Rachel swallowed and felt her breath come out in short gasps. She gave Quinn a couple of more seconds, before she slowly slid across the seat towards the still open door. Peter, who had sat opposite of her, shortly placed a hand on her knee.

He winked at her playfully and then nudged his chin forward. _Out into the lion's den,_ he signed. _I'm here for you. Only for you, so make good use of me,_ he grinned.

Rachel laughed, thankful for the little distraction and reassurance. She hoped she wouldn't get overwhelmed by the mass of people. Peter got out first and the flashes outside ceased a little. Obviously people were wondering who he was. One last deep breath and Rachel lifted her long skirt and gracefully stepped out next. She squared her shoulders, lifted her head and found Quinn smiling at her proudly.

The brunette flashed a smile back and the cameras went off like crazy again. Quinn waited for Rachel to reach her. Quinn quickly squeezed her arm and then placed her hand shortly on the small of Rachel's back encouragingly guiding her forward. The brunette smiled up at her and met the hazel eyes. Together the waved and moved over to the official red carpet. Again they were greeting by a horde of photographers and Rachel nudged Quinn forward a little. The blonde turned and a small and quick frown flitted across her face. Rachel only smiled slightly and widened her eyes, answering with that silent gesture that she wanted Quinn to enjoy the limelight.

The blonde moved a couple of steps down the carped, then turned around again.

They had debated whether and when Rachel would feel comfortable to communicate in ASL. Rachel had stated that there was no use in hiding it or waiting until they had passed the crowed, if people didn't know it by now, they soon would anyway.

Quinn watched Peter tell Rachel that people were cheering and calling Quinn's name.

_They are calling you as well._

"They are?" She asked surprised.

Peter nodded. Rachel turned her head and looked at Quinn who beckoned her to come closer.

_They want a picture of us together._ She smiled while signing, Quinn nodded. _Yes, darling, they are. Give them your best smile and dazzle them._

Rachel gazed at the people to her right and back at Quinn, then at Peter. It was so weird to see all this movement, the waving hands, the screaming mouths, the flashing lights and none of it registered in her ears. She only felt her heart beating like a hammer in her chest, her hands cold with nervousness, playing with the fabric of her gown.

She took a deep breath. 'Concentrate', she told herself, forcing the rising panic down again. 'You've come so far, that is not the time to break down.' She could do this.

She remembered the conversation with Shelby, where the woman made her shout the words 'I can do it!'

Yes, she could.

Rachel smiled bashfully and shortly ducked her head, only to lift her chin again a second later. She took a deep breath and called up a genuinely smile. She gave a small wave towards the crowd Again Rachel let her eyes roam the scene. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw Peter interpret the shouts and screams from the masses, filling the void in her head with words. Slowly, a full picture began to form itself in her mind. Peter never ceased his signing and Rachel soaked it up, attaching the explanations to the view in front of her.

Slowly, a smile started to form. Quinn looked back over her shoulder where she was just giving autographs. Seeing the change in Rachel's expression, her own grin widened and for a second she forgot the raging world around her.

Rachel stepped closer, whispering into Quinn's ear, hoping the blonde would hear it over the shouts. "Shall we give them what they want?"

Quinn threw her head back and laughed. This was so the old Rachel she knew. She had no idea where she had found the strength and determination to dig out that well known charm and talent to please the crowds, but it was definitely there.

They leaned their heads together and smiled at the people who were clicking away like crazy. They posed and played with the fans and the crowd cheered happily.

Rachel watched Quinn move towards some of the fans again after a moment who held out pictures to sign for her. Some also kept on waving at Rachel, even when Quinn had already moved on. She turned to check if they meant someone else. Currently there was no one else close behind her.

_They are calling your name, begging for autographs._ And Peter gestured towards the barrier. Rachel looked at the expectant faces and indeed seemed to read her name coming of some of their lips.

Slowly at first she walked closer, Peter close by. A girl, who leaned across the metal fence, smiled and asked something. Rachel felt her insecurity surge up like bile. The mass seemed so excited and agitated; there were flashlights everywhere, everyone trying to get autographs and a good glimpse of the stars that were arriving. And nothing made a sound. It was already difficult managing conversations with more than one person, but standing in front of such a crowd with no clue to whom the attention was directed to and what the tonality was like, was difficult to master. If she kept staring at the soundless, moving and flashing mass, she'd get dizzy and the impulse to flee would just grow stronger. She let her eyes roam one last time over the people.

Rachel swallowed and focused back on the girl. The face seemed familiar. Peter unobtrusively called her attention by placing a hand on her forearm. _She asked if you remembered her. You met at a club._

"Vivien!" Rachel exclaimed, recalling the scene at the _Perfect Beat Club_ on her birthday.

Vivien had approached her then and asked for an autograph. Somehow it soothed Rachel nerves to find a somewhat familiar face among the crowd, someone who still called on her, despite knowing what happened.

Peter stood closer to Vivien and kept interpreting, while the girl spoke to Rachel.

_You remember me, wow, my god! Thank you so much, you made my day, really! I didn't expect to see you here! I was kind of hoping because of Funny Girl's nomination to see you, but then, with you not being there anymore… Would you sign this for me again?_

Rachel laughed. "Sure!" She took the proffered pen and billboard magazine.

_To Vivien – again!:-)  
A great fan and wonderful person._

_Love, Rachel Berry._

With an afterthought she added a _Thank you!_ under her signature. She was indeed grateful that the first encounter at this official event was such a positive one and that Vivien still valued her and her former performance.

The people next to Vivien also held out papers, Billboards and what not to collect her autograph, some even took a picture with her. They clearly knew who she was, still, holding out the _Funny Girl_ pages and even some had photos of her to sign.

Rachel was honestly surprised about that reception.

Glancing down the carpet she caught Quinn's eye and both exchanged a smile, Quinn clearly enjoying herself, but also looking happy to see Rachel engaged with the fans. Peter kept interpreting the shouts from the crowd and never missed to inform her if someone called her name. If people found it weird to see him signing to her, most of them did not react to it. Maybe some Broadway aficionados had read the interview or just didn't care or understood that this was a rare appearance that might not happen again. Only very few commented on it.

An adolescent boy gave a depreciating comment about her attending the event, wondering why she would be here if she obviously could not hear. This stopped Rachel in her tracks for a moment, still grateful that Peter did not omit the comment. Surprised about her own courage she looked at the young guy, smiled knowingly and said: "Sorry, I didn't hear what you just said," and gracefully moved on. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw a couple of people grin at her quick-witted reply.

Peter bumped her side with his elbow and held up a thumb, grinning as well.

An elderly woman a little further down the line grabbed her hand and told her that she had read the article about her and was very sorry, because she had loved Rachel's performance so much.

"Thank you, that is very kind of you to say."

_No, honey, I mean it. Keep going. Whatever you'll do, don't give up,_ Peter interpreted.

And the lady squeezed her hand again, before letting go. The woman's eyes told her that she knew what she was speaking of, surely having had to overcome the one or other hardship herself in her life.

"I promise I won't!" Rachel answered with a genuine smile, locking eyes with her for a moment, before she moved on. It was interesting, in a way. While she engaged with some people, she found herself to concentrate more on the individual. Even though Peter had to interpret, she was not as distracted by the shouts around her as she used to be. She focused more on the person in front of her, giving him or her undivided attention. And somehow it made every encounter – or almost every one – a much more gratifying experience.

Rachel turned and noticed that she had arrived at the official "posing wall" as she called it. Quinn was already standing there, flashing her smile at the cameras, toying with the photographers and Rachel was sure that they were all calling her name. She looked absolutely stunning in that dark purple dress with her blond hair beautifully done up, a few strands falling down on one side of her shoulder, giving a great contrast to the dark color of the gown.

Rachel thought she looked so regal, like a queen.

The brunette was so lost in her admiration that she only noticed after a short moment that Quinn was begging her to join her. She held out an arm, inviting Rachel to come up. The paparazzi who had not noticed Rachel standing close by yet, turned to see whom Quinn's attention was focused on.

Rachel gave a short shake of her head; she didn't want to steal any attention from Quinn. She wasn't even nominated, she was just accompanying her, so there was no reason to put herself into the limelight that others clearly deserved more.

Funny, Rachel would have never expected that she'd think like that one day in her life. It was her who had always, always sought the center of attention. Now, being asked to share it, she declined. But when Peter subtly reminded her that not only Quinn, but others wanted her to join as well, she finally complied.

Slowly she walked up to Quinn and let herself be pulled close. She looped her arm around Rachel's shoulder and placed a kiss on the side of her head, not caring about the world that went crazy around them.

This was a statement. A clear and official statement.

Quinn Fabray was in love.

Rachel smiled up at her and without the sounds distracting her, she drowned in the hazel eyes that looked at her with so much love and pride.

The both turned shortly towards the cameras again, both flashing their most beautiful smiles, before Quinn took Rachel's hand and walked on, holding firmly on to her girlfriend.

"You don't have to do that, you know." Rachel said, though secretly liked it that Quinn made their relationship official-official.

Quinn stopped and turned. Peter had reunited with them again, but it was never a question that she would speak for herself.

_I know, but I want to._

They moved on to where reporters were waiting to get a short statement and squeeze in a couple of questions before the stars moved on.

Rachel wanted to let go of Quinn, but the blonde held on to her hand and pulled with her. Peter followed, always at the ready.

A female reporter of the network that was transmitting the event smiled at them, happy to get another of the nominees in front of her microphone. Rachel and Quinn both knew Shelly Lynn independently from other events. She was easy to talk to and had a talent to put people at ease she was talking to.

Rachel stood next to Quinn, smiling politely. Peter had positioned himself slightly behind the reporter, but still so that Rachel could see him interpret the conversation.

Shelly greeted them both and then asked some general questions about Quinn's play, about her being nominated for the first time and how she liked the overall event. In between she also threw the one or other glance at Rachel, smiling.

The former singer felt a little insecure standing there, "listening in" the conversation, but not actively taking part. She hoped the questions would be over soon that she could get out of the limelight, knowing very well that several million people were watching on TV. So she kept her inner turmoil hidden behind a professional smile.

Just when they short interview seemed to come to an end and the two women wanted to walk on, Rachel felt a gentle hand on her arm. She looked at the source of the touch and found the reporter smiling at her.

"Can I ask you a question, Ms Berry?" she inquired politely, her eyes never leaving Rachel's. The brunette tilted her head slightly to catch the interpretation of the question and Peter stepped up next to Shelly.

Rachel took a deep breath. That was not what she had planned. Not in front of a gazillion cameras and people. She had nothing to say. A warm hand squeezed hers in a supporting gesture. She looked at Quinn and with a slightly raised eyebrow and a hardly perceptible jerk of her head her girlfriend silently asked if they should move on. With the same barely visible gesture, Rachel shook her head.

This exchange didn't last more than a couple of seconds, but felt like an eternity to Rachel.

Releasing the breath she had held, Rachel focused on Shelly and gave a courteous nod to her question.

_I read your interview and I'm positively surprised to see you at this event. I can imagine that after all that happened it must be hard to be here. Especially since the musical Funny Girl where you had the lead role in, is nominated for a Tony._

Rachel nodded. She was still waiting for the question to follow that introduction that Peter simultaneously conveyed to her through his hands.

_How are you coping?_

"Ah, good question," Rachel smiled. How was she coping, really? "It would be a lie to say it is all easy and I'm having a blast. However, with my interpreter I can manage quite well and I had some nice and positive reactions so far. But, this evening is not about me, I'm just here to support Quinn," she answered and looked up at the blonde.

_Yes, I can imagine that it is not easy,_ Shelly acknowledged. Changing the subject she dropped one last question.

_I take it you two are … a pair?_ Rachel saw the hesitation in the reporter's eyes and chuckled.

Seeing Quinn nod out of the corner of her eye, the brunette answered: "Yes, we are."

Grinning happily about having received such two valuable statements, Shelly professionally thanked them.

_It has been good talking to you. Enjoy the evening and good luck!_

Both women thanked her in return and finally moved on. Rachel exhaled deeply, letting sink in the fact that however short it was, she had given her first professional television interview.

Quinn quickly laced her arm around Rachel's shoulder and kissed her on the temple.

They had almost reached the entrance of the theater, when a comment from the first rows made Quinn's face turn angry and if looks could kill, the offender would have dropped dead instantly.

"What's a deaf singer doing at the Tony Awards?"

Peter had been quick to fill Rachel in and describe the person who asked it. Before the blonde could react further, Rachel parried the provocative comment on her own.

"Accompanying Quinn Fabray."

The fact that she did not defend herself nor deny the fact that she was deaf and just plainly stated a true and obvious fact, stunned the guy into silence. Rachel gave him a sweet smile with a raised eyebrow, daring him to say more. Apparently he had not expected for her to address him directly. After a short moment he caught himself and seemed to mutter something under his breath but Rachel was not interested in the details and with a small shake of her head indicated for Peter that she was not interested in a translation. She had learned to blend out certain comments or critiques or just plain rude comments over the years. However, once you heard something, it was sometimes hard to get it out of your mind again. Who would have thought that there _were_ advantages of not being able to hear everything around you.

She placed her hand on Quinn's back and with a small pressure urged her to move on.

Rachel noticed that Quinn threw a last angry look over her shoulder at the guy, before moving on. Clearly the other reporters were angry that this paparazzi had messed up their chance to talk to one of the nominees and possible get more input on Rachel Berry's story.

_You ok?_ Quinn asked with one hand, while the other held on to Rachel's.

The brunette nodded. "Yes. I am." And she was, even though she was a little surprised about her own wits and courage.

_You have to teach me how you can so nonchalantly put people in their place without ever being offending,_ Quinn told her with an admiring look.

She had let her anger rule too close to the surface and had Rachel not given that diplomatic and honest answer, the guy would have received a verbal slap down from that probably would have been re-printed all over the press the next day.

Rachel chuckled and squeezed the blonde's hand.

They had finally reached the entrance and Rachel let out a sigh of relief. The first hurdle was taken. Now she just had to get through the rest of the evening.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe not at all… she thought as she they walked on, Peter next to her, ready to interpret and Quinn still holding hands with her.

* * *

**The song is "Next to me" from Emeli Sandé.**

**There'll be two chapters left…**


	70. Chapter 70

**Sooo, the tension is rising and the Tony awards continue… in the longest chapter I have ever written over the past one and a half years…giving myself a birthday present today :-)**

**Thank you all sooo much for your reviews and kind thoughts! I appreciate every one of them, even if I don't always get to comment or answer them individually. I can also honestly say that I appreciate every follow and every single favorite mark. My heart always makes a little happy jump once I receive the notification.**

**So, enough of the personal bla bla, let's get on with it!**

* * *

**Chapter 70**

They finally left the crowd and the cool air behind and Rachel felt a shift in the atmosphere once they entered the Radio City Hall. It felt calmer than outside, but there was still a certain tension in the air.

Rachel had the urgent need to regroup and take a breath. She pointed to the restrooms in one corner. Quinn nodded and followed her. Inside they were alone, luckily, and Rachel sat on one of the decorative chairs that had been placed there for the event to prep up the whole setting.

"Ahhhh," the brunette sighed and delivered the rest of the sentence with her hands only. _I feel like I've run a marathon_ _._

Tucking her long dress up a bit, Quinn squad down and looked up at her girlfriend. She cupped her face with one hand, before she said:

_I'm really proud of you. You were very professional, poised and absolutely charming out there! And the best looking of all,_ the blonde added with a grin.

Rachel looked up and smiled, slowly shaking her head. "Nooooo." _That would be you,_ she signed.

Quinn had noticed that whenever Rachel felt uncomfortable or exhausted, she tended to sign more without using her though she did not seem to have any trouble speaking and sounding absolutely clear, the blonde imagined that it was still work for her in order to gauge the right volume when she talked to people. She could understand that Rachel chose in that moment to solely rely on singing. It gave her a bit of a rest.

Quinn looked at Rachel sitting in front of her, wondering what was really going on inside that pretty head.

_How hard was it really for you out there?_ She tentatively asked.

Rachel was surprised about the astute observation wrapped in that question. She had noticed how Quinn had looked at her several times, making sure she was ok, but Rachel had thought she had hidden her discomfort pretty well. Apparently Quinn knew perfectly well how to look behind her façade.

_On a scale from one to ten?_ Rachel asked. Quinn nodded, smiling.

_About seven, I'd say._ Rachel looked at her hands and found them shaking a bit, now that the adrenaline seemed to wane off slightly in the relative private corner – as much as you could call a restroom private.

_Seven, that bad?_

Rachel shook her head. _No, not_ really _bad. Just… exhausting. This is already taxing when you are in the possession of all your senses, but being down one…_

… _you need to concentrate more, be more alert._ Quinn finished for her.

"Yes," Rachel breathed. _But_ , she continued quickly when she saw remorse settle on Quinn's features, probably chastising herself for having pressured Rachel to come along.

… _there were still moments_ _I_ _enjoyed,_ she added coyly, wrinkling her nose in a cute way that made Quinn reach out and gently tap the tip of it with her forefinger.

Quinn stood and scooped Rachel up in her arms. They held each other, until she felt her girlfriend's heart beat a little bit more slowly.

Rachel stepped back and smiled, her arms still loosely draped around Quinn's waist. Two women entered the room, but quickly walked around the corner where the stalls were, not paying them much attention.

"I think I'm ok now. Thanks for being there for me."

Quinn laughed. You _are thanking_ me? _No Rachel, I'm the one who has to thank you - and I know I will probably do this more often than you want to hear it,_ she chuckled, _but I am so happy and glad and proud that you are here with me, showing the world that we belong together, that we can brave everything, no matter what. I love you!_ She bent her head a little and kissed the full lips.

Rachel smiled, not knowing what to say. She was just glad she had made it this far and was able to support Quinn, to see the joy in those hazel eyes.

_Since we're here, I'll make use of the premises. You have to go too?_

Rachel shook her head. "No."

The door opened again and three more women in beautiful gowns entered chatting and laughing. Quinn's eyes lit up when she recognized two of her cast members.

"I'll wait outside, ok?" Rachel excused herself with a squeeze of Quinn's hand, smiling at the other women while she passed them. She exited quickly, not just yet wanting to be included in another conversation.

Quinn waved at her and Rachel walked out.

She stood a little back in the shadows, watching the stream of stars and people accompanying them float by. The brunette was glad to have a moment to herself. The adrenaline was starting to rush through her veins again, knowing that she had to mingle with the crowd once more.

Once they got home, she'd probably collapse into her bed and sleep ten hours straight. She had to concentrate a lot, constantly being on alert, reading Peter's signs, checking for the person who originally uttered the comments. Again she felt the vibrations in the air, the excitement, the nervousness and it did nothing to sooth her own frayed nerves.

Rachel straightened her spine and lifted her chin. 'Come on girl. You know the drill, it's nothing you haven't done before,' she told herself. Well, except with the little difference that last time she'd done this her ears were still working perfectly fine.

She sighed and spotted Peter coming out of the men's room further down in the foyer. She walked a couple of steps towards him. She felt securer when he was close. He was her connection to the acoustic world that swirled and vibrated around her and was yet so far out of her reach.

Before she met up with him, Rachel noticed two reporters turn towards her and for a second time seemed to stand still. She hoped they didn't see her but maybe someone else behind her. Turning to look around, she found that there was no one was close by.

The first guy started towards her, obviously calling her name. The other rushed with him and Rachel had no idea how this could have happened so fast, but all of a sudden she found herself trapped in front of a wall, surrounded by numerous reporters and cameras flashing away.

Later she learned that apparently her appearance at the Tonys had created a small uproar. Twitter and instant messaging had helped to spread the news of her arrival quite quickly. Even though many had read her interview, most magazines and billboards still wanted to use the chance and get a live and personal comment on her situation. After all, when had it ever happened that a deaf Broadway star visited the Tonys? That in itself was a story worth covering. And it didn't help that Rachel's face was still recognized easily amongst her peers, fans and critiques.

Even though most wanted to get a close up on the nominees and other stars, once they saw their chance to get Rachel Berry in front of their camera, they had to seize it.

While they were rushing towards her, alerting others of their trade through their action, Rachel was cut off from Peter in the process and staring into the faces in front of her, she felt the panic rise. Her gaze raced from left to right finding one familiar face, but all she could see were the flashing lights and the moving mouths throwing questions at her she couldn't hear.

She had to fight hard to stay where she was, even though all she wanted to do was run away. It all happened so fast that Rachel was not able to keep her calm. All she saw was the people streaming towards her, and the rising panic did not let her think clearly. With wide eyes she looked around, trying to find a way out, but they had cornered her with no exit.

The crowd moved closer when finally a familiar face pushed itself to the front. Peter boxed his way through and managed to reach her, reassuringly touching Rachel's arm.

_Sorry, the vultures were just too quick_ , he commented with his hands. The brunette mustered a grateful smile while she noticed the cameras flashing. If anything, the commotion seemed to increase when they noticed Peter signing to her and watched her pay close attention to his hands. Rachel felt like an animal at the zoo, her disability at display like an exotic creature and people trying to record the best images and proof of it.

The press had gotten on her nerves before, immensely at times, but never had she felt so exposed, so vulnerable and so trapped and helpless like in this instant.

_You ok?_ Peter asked, pulling Rachel out of her stupor.

She only mustered a short nod, still trying to get her brain working again. She needed to find a way to solve this frightening situation. But all she managed was to compare how coolly she had used to handle these situations before her accident with how scared she was now… Jesus, what had she thought? She should have stayed at home! How ridiculous to think she was ready to face the public, at such an event no less. Even though Peter was now at her side, she had no idea how to handle the uncaring horde of photographers and camera men with all their questions.

Glancing at the crowed again she noticed another familiar face.

"Patrick!" she exclaimed relieved and waved him closer. The young man wiggled his way to the front, giving Rachel a short wave of 'hello'.

Somehow the presence of the nice and sympathetic reporter seemed to sooth Rachel's nerves a bit.

Slowly her brain started to work again. Quinn's words sprang to her mind, when the blonde had commented on Rachel's smart retorts to some of the more aggravating remarks outside. She tried to call up the courage she had felt outside and slowly she felt the panic subside. Rachel took a couple of more breaths and forced herself to calm down.

Checking with a look that Peter was ready, the former singer took another deep breath and faced the crowd.

Now she felt she had some more control of the situation and braced herself for the onslaught.

"Gentlemen."

Peter touched her forearm, indicating that she had to speak up a little to make herself heard over the shouts and noise.

Rachel swallowed. This was again one of these situations where she feared she would not be able to adjust the volume of her voice accordingly, as she had no idea how loud it really was. She closed her eyes for a second and recalled her former visits to the event. And indeed, her memory did serve her well as she heard the shouts and clicks and cheers in her mind.

"Gentlemen!" She felt her voice vibrate stronger in her throat and tried to project it to the end of the crowd to reach everyone. She seemed to succeed as Peter subtlety indicated that they were listening.

"I will answer some of your questions. But they will be channeled through Mr. Remmond, because otherwise I will not be able to pick out anything from the crowd. My interpreter will then relay those questions to me."

Patrick nodded and smiled at Rachel. She was glad that he was there. She trusted him to pick the relevant questions and to handle his colleagues professionally. He was truly heaven sent to appear at that moment. Even though he had agreed upfront that he would handle any official interview she wanted to give, they hadn't planned for it to happen this way.

But now that he was here, Peter would only have to concentrate on interpreting instead of also coordinating and deciding which question to translate.

Another form made her way through the crowd, dodging the microphones that were stuffed into her face. Suddenly Quinn stood next to Rachel and touched her by the shoulder, turned her slightly sideways so she could see her face and would not be blinded by the light and mouthed _You ok?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes. They just took me by surprise."

_Do you want to answer some of their questions?_

Rachel nodded and quickly explained that Patrick would help. All the while the cameras kept flashing, more since Quinn had arrived as well, communicating in ASL with Rachel.

Feeling reinforced, Rachel asked Patrick to go ahead and accept the first question.

He was indeed very helpful in selecting the persons. Peter interpreted the words with added descriptions of the person talking, so Rachel could address the respective individual with her answer.

Sometimes she noticed by herself who asked the question, but if the person was standing out of her view while concentrating on the signs, she relied on his quick and subtle explanations. The system worked quite well. As the reporters noticed that Quinn Fabray would not walk away soon, but outright refused to answer any questions in her regard, they started to ignore her and kept focusing on Rachel.

The former singer was prepared for most of the questions regarding her accident, the end of her career and the nomination of Funny Girl. When someone posed the question how she could manage to get through the evening where everything was laid out for the hearing, focusing on the acoustics, Rachel found herself to be quite composed. With a small look at Quinn, who gave her a hardly perceptible nod, the brunette answered what she had said before.

"I admit it is not easy and I'm still trying to adapt, but this evening is not about me, nor about my former participation in _Funny Girl_. I'm actually just here to accompany Quinn Fabray. I'm not the real attraction here, I'm sure you have some burning question for Miss Fabray as well."

She smiled at her and Quinn grinned at the smart move to turn the attention away from herself to the blonde.

As with Shelly, Peter quickly interpreted while Quinn charmingly worked her way through another throng of queries regarding her play, her career and… her relationship.

"Yes, I'm happily involved," with that she grabbed Rachel's hand, but left it at that and didn't give any more details.

The two women politely excused themselves after that, knowing that they should find their seats. Rachel was glad to escape the horde, but hoped to see Patrick again when she felt someone touch her shoulder. Turning, she half expected to be shoved another microphone into her face, but turned her scowl into a smile when she saw the young reporter behind her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you away," she laughed. "Thank you for your great support back there."

_You're welcome,_ he answered through her interpreter's hands. _I was wondering if I could have a short interview after the event with you and Quinn._

The blonde had also turned and answered, signing along: "Of course you can. We'll be happy to talk to you. You have been a great help! Thank you! So it's only fair we do something for you in return."

"Yes, Quinn is right," Rachel answered. They agreed to meet after the official part and left to find their seats.

They were stopped a couple of times though, some people speaking to Quinn and some speaking to Rachel. Most of them were positively surprised to see the former Fannie Brice actress. Some of them felt a little awkward after the first admission and quickly turned their attention to Quinn. Quinn was polite, but every time she felt the other person tend to ignore Rachel, she cut the encounter short and they moved on. She knew people were just insecure, but some behaviors were just plainly rude, few people wouldn't even look at Rachel, as if she were invisible.

"You know, you didn't have to cut every encounter short with people who wouldn't acknowledge my presence, Quinn. You are a nominee, of course they want to talk to you," Rachel whispered as they walked down the aisle to their seat row.

_Rachel, you are too kind. The least they could have said was_ _'_ _hello_ _'_ _or_ _'_ _how are you_ _'_ _. If they are too aloof or indifferent to do it, I'm too aloof and indifferent to talk to them. End of story._

Rachel chuckled. "Very chivalrous, Miss Fabray."

_For you_ _,_ _always,_ Quinn grinned.

Finally they reached their seats and Quinn greeted the people around her, many of them being her cast mates from the musical.

Again some greeted Rachel as well, but she was glad when the lights finally dimmed a little and they could sit back.

… … …

The three of them were seated at the left hand side of the auditorium. To Rachel's right, Peter was sitting and next to him was Quinn, then followed some of her cast members.

Even though Rachel would have preferred to sit next to Quinn, she understood that it was better this way. Besides, this way she could also easily read the blonde's signs, since Rachel was turned towards her right anyway. If Quinn had been sitting next to her, Rachel would not have been able to see Peter's interpretations. If he had sat to her left, she would have had to turn away from the stage to look at him.

Quinn sitting to her left would have been a possibility, but Rachel would have to turn her to her right most of the time to see Peter's interpretation. So however they had tried to solve the seating arrangements, this was the most practical. And Rachel wanted Quinn to sit close to her cast mates as well.

The brunette nodded to the person on her left, recognizing the actor from _Golden_.

"Hi. I saw you some weeks ago in your show. I enjoyed your performance immensely," Rachel greeted him. She had to remind herself that the noise level inside the auditorium was probably lower than outside. She had adjusted the volume of her voice again, hoping to find the right level.

John Langston did a double take realizing who was going to sit next to him.

"Oh…. I … I…"

Rachel didn't need a translation for that. She smiled at him.

"I didn't want to inconvenience you with my compliment."

He waved his hands. "No, no! You didn't…." The rest was unreadable to her and Peter had to jump in to help out.

_I was just so surprised to see you here, after what happened._

John was polite enough to not look pointedly at Peter's signs, but kept his eyes on Rachel's face. Rachel was surprised that so many people knew about her situation.

_I would have liked to see you in Funny Girl. Are you here because of their nomination?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. I'm accompanying Quinn Fabray. I'm not here in an official function." She waved at her ear and smiled a little. "Not anymore."

_I see, sorry about the remark._

"Don't apologize, it was a fair question. _Golden_ is nominated as well, I heard," she changed the topic.

John nodded. _Yes, two categories._ He laughed. _Every time I think I'll be so cool, because I have been to the Tonys a few times now, I always get nervous and excited again like the first time I attended._

"I know! It's always the same, isn't it?" Rachel laughed with him.

He stretched out his hand and indicated them shaking, making Rachel laugh again.

It was funny to think that the large man next to her who reminded her faintly of Lawrence Fishburn, and who seemed so cool on the outside should also suffer from nervousness.

Rachel apologized in advance for the small impoliteness of turning her back to him during the show, but the actor understood the necessity. He joked about how a pretty shoulder could also be a wonderful sight to look upon.

Rachel laughed. "I'm glad that eases the inconvenience a bit."

He looked at her, then said something in return. Rachel turned to see the interpretation.

_My inconvenience is nothing compared to yours. I think it's very brave of you to come here._

"Thank you. I hope your musical will win the nominated categories. I really loved the story." When he frowned at her, she explained about her visit with her friends, leaving out the experimental part about the earplugs though.

_Right, you said you went to see our musical? Was that after your lost your hearing?_ He must have made the calculation in his head, knowing their opening night was not so long ago.

Rachel nodded and grinned shyly. Before they could continue their conversation, the lights had dimmed.

"Good luck," she whispered and saw him mouth a _Thank you!_

The opening ceremony was funny and witty, though for Rachel it was a bit difficult to follow everything. As Peter sat next to her to her right; and not like in a normal conversation was standing opposite of her, she partly had to look away from the stage to see his hands. Luckily it wasn't too dark and his hands were a good contrast against his dark suit. He did do a great job of describing what went on, the audience's reaction and any other acoustic cues that were necessary for Rachel to get a full picture. Rachel felt herself settle back a bit more relaxed after the first minutes.

After a while, Peter and she settled in a good rhythm of interpreting and Rachel experiencing the event with her other senses. Of course she couldn't hear the music, but Quinn helped to join the explanations, whenever Peter seemed to get a bit stuck, lacking the full background knowledge of the business.

The moderator, a relatively young newcomer was witty and had a great stage presence. Rachel could easily see why they had chosen him. He made the audience laugh on several occasions, but more importantly for Rachel, he had a great way of expressing himself through his body language. His gestures were pointed and clear, his facial expressions easy to read and not artificial. Even though these things were part of the trade for almost every person in the room, not many had such naturalness about them as did he.

She enjoyed watching him more and more, skipping over some of the comments that Peter kept interpreting for her. Besides, she had gotten better at reading the signs in parallel while watching the person who spoke. Here it was a bit more difficult because of the seating arrangements in relation to the stage. Rachel noticed that when she turned slightly towards her interpreter, she was able to quickly reassure herself about the dialogue that was happening on stage, while not missing much off the action.

_Golden_ was nominated for best original score and won that category. Rachel turned around to her neighbor once she learned about it and placed a hand on his forearm.

"Congratulations!" She beamed up at him.

"Thank you," he grinned back with a light nod. The cast stood up and applauded the composer and song writers who walked up on the stage.

Rachel still knew a lot of the musicals and the people involved which were nominated. It was interesting to watch the persons when they walked up to the stage and it was almost far more interesting to watch their faces and gestures when they gave their acceptance speech. With a few she didn't look at Peter's interpretation, just placed her hand shortly on his to tell him that he needn't interpret at that moment. It wasn't that Rachel was not interested in the people's words, she wanted to see how much she could grasp from other clues.

Finally the most interesting category came up.

Best lead actress in a musical.

Quinn was running against three other colleagues. Two of them Rachel knew and had heard them sing before, the others she couldn't recall.

Rachel reached for Quinn's hand and in the spur of the moment the blonde switched seats with Peter. The two women grabbed each other, exchanging an excited and anxious smile.

John Langston, Rachel's seat neighbor was the presenter for this category and he had left his seat some moments ago. He appeared on stage and Quinn interpreted for Rachel, happy to be able to keep her hands busy instead of nervously clutching them in her lap.

_There are four ladies who command the various stages on Broadway with their grace, their charm, their exceptional talent and, of course, their wonderful voices. The nominees as lead actress in a musical are:_

_Stella Burgesi_ _,_ Stranges and Lovers

_Quinn Fabra_ _y,_ Bohemians

_Kajohl Majari_ _,_ Bandwagon _and_

_Corinna Me_ _la,_ Pink is my favorite color

The lights dimmed and short clips of the musical were shown. That was new, Rachel noticed surprised. Usually only the names were read and then it was announced who received the award. Showing something of the musicals and actors had a nice touch and gave everyone who was not familiar with the nominee or the musical at least a small impression of their work. Rachel stared at the enlarged Quinn and that view burned itself forever into her brain. Why ever they chose the last scene of the musical for this short presentation, Rachel didn't know, but seeing the emotions play across the beautiful features, even without words, captured the brunette's full attention. She blended out what came afterwards, she only saw Quinn's face behind her mind's eye. Had she not already been to see the show for herself, she would have had to see it now. And no, she wasn't biased. Not at all.

Once the final clip faded away, Rachel thought she could not stand it anymore. She felt her breathing get more and more rapid as if she herself were nominated. She forced herself to calm down a little and threw a glance at Quinn. Her hazel eyes were focused on John, but as she felt Rachel's gaze upon her, she turned her head and smiled.

In what seemed like unbearable long moments, John slid his finger under the lid of the envelop and opened it. In even more agonizing slowness he pulled out the card.

Rachel's eyes hung on his lips; she couldn't tear herself away to check for Peter's signs.

She knew what he would say next, that was easy to read from his lips, even sitting so far away. But the screens to the left and right enlarged his face so she had a good view.

"The Theater Wing's Tony award for the best leading actress in a musical goes to…" He looked into the crowd with a smile.

'Go ooooon,' Rachel begged him silently, feeling her own hand tighten around Quinn's.

Then he said the name and Rachel couldn't make out the words. She furrowed her brows and looked at Quinn, then saw Peter's hands spell the name.

Rachel's jaw dropped. What?!

S-T-E-L-L-A B-U-R-G-E-S-I.

The crowd around her erupted in the usual cheers. Out of the corner of her eyes Rachel saw a woman with dark hair in a pale blue dress stand up. That was one of the two nominees she had not met before.

Quinn had pulled her hand away from Rachel's after hearing the name of the other singer being pronounced to give her the obligated laudation. Rachel joined her politely, but her heart sank.

She had soooo much wanted for Quinn to walk up there. She had already pictured the blonde up on the stage. She had been so convinced…

Quinn turned to her, smiling, her eyes beaming. Quickly her hands formed the words in front of her.

_W_ _ow, of all the others I would have wished for Stella to receive the award – besides, me, obviously,_ she added with a small laugh _. I have seen her in_ Strangers and Lovers _and she was so so so very good!_

Rachel shook her head. "I don't know that musical, I read something about it, but I can't remember the details. Honey, I'm sorry that they didn't choose you."

She took one of Quinn's hands and gave it a small kiss. Quinn reached out and cupped Rachel's cheek. Then she shrugged.

_I'm a little disappointed, too. But …_ she paused for a second. _I still have time. Maybe next year._ As soon as the words flew through the air, Quinn bit her tongue.

She had at least a 'next year'. Rachel did not.

Stella had reached the stage and walked forward to accept the accolade, before she stepped up to the microphone.

Rachel hardly paid attention. Apparently she had more trouble getting over her disappointment than Quinn, who was completely focuses on the other actress. Rachel turned her attention back to the stage to see if she could understand what captivated her girlfriend so much.

Stella Burgesi was pretty all right, the dress was a nice color in comparison to her dark and wavy long hair. She probably had Italian roots, judging by the name and appearance. Watching her for a couple of moments, Rachel noticed that the actress had placed the award next to her on the floor. While speaking, she gracefully used her hands to support her words and there was something about these gestures that held Rachel's interest. The singer wasn't signing per se, but her whole appearance, her movements and her whole charisma spoke more than words.

There were a lot of very good actors and actresses, but very few possessed this inner grace and naturalness that flowed through every pore into every inch of their body. It was reflected in everything they did. What Rachel saw in front of her was a woman who was totally and completely in tune with herself. She had the right amount of confidence without ever coming across as arrogant. The love for her work was clearly visible and the appreciation and gratefulness that was so evident for having received the award was endearing to watch.

She leaned over and whispered into Quinn's ear: "I can see why you liked her so much. If she sings as beautifully as she moves and talks, I can maybe forgive her for snatching the award away from you. Maybe."

A slow smile appeared on Quinn's face. _She has your caliber of a voice, Rachel. A little deeper, but her range and power is about the same. Sometimes it gets this velvety tinge_ _and sometimes it has the right amount of raspiness to send shivers down your spine. I_ _t's hard to describe. But I can honestly say she deserved this._

Again Rachel squeezed her hand. Somehow she understood. She was still a little disappointed, but seeing Quinn being happy despite her not receiving the award, consoled the brunette a little. Sometimes it wasn't always about oneself, was it? Again a nice lecture in not focusing too much on one's own disappointment, but trying to see the good in a situation. If you truly managed to do that from the bottom of your heart, it could definitely make you a happier person. Maybe it provided a kind of different happiness than you might have imagined it, but if you allowed it to happen, it made life a little easier and more joyful.

The open joy Quinn displayed reflected again the person she had become. She was not the conceited high school girl anymore who wanted to win and gain her advantages no matter what. She seemed truly happy that at least her own favorite candidate had won and Quinn was happy _for_ her.

Rachel sent an admiring glance in her girlfriend's direction and then settled back into the seat to ponder the insight she had just gained.

There were still two more categories that were of interest to Quinn and Rachel. One was best musical and the other was best revival musical. However, Rachel felt divided about the latter. She was happy on the one hand, but also felt greatly at loss on the other.

This was the ultimate confrontation with her ordeal. But maybe it was also the ultimate step to lay things to rest, to find closure. She had moved on, but she had still felt the tethers that linked her to that particular part of her past, of her former life. Maybe going through this that evening, facing the success of others, even though she knew she had helped them along the way, was helping her to finally cut the ties. To free herself to pursue her other dreams.

Yes, as hard as it was, Rachel knew it was necessary to live through this. And just like she had witnessed Quinn do it before she could try to manage to focus on the happy part inside her, and not on the anguish and despair.

Rachel noticed that for the presentation of the nominees for best musical one of her former cast mates stepped up to the microphone. She didn't know Claire very well, she had joined the cast only shortly before her accident.

Quinn reached for her hand and clasped it tightly. The brunette felt her heart beating faster again. There were five musicals nominated and again for each a clip was shown. Rachel relied on Quinn's interpretation for the names of the musicals since she hadn't switched back seats with Peter.

_The nominees for best musical are:_

_Strangers and Lovers_

_Bohemiens_

_The Great Unkown_

_Bold Choices and_

_Through the Air so Free_

The last title Rachel had never heard about. It seemed like a strange title, but it caught her interest. She would look it up later at home. For the time being she concentrated on the short clips on the screens.

The one for _Bohemians_ showed Quinn in one of the early scenes, weaving through the market stands, teasing the young man who was about to fall in love with her. Rachel grinned and remembered how Quinn had crept off the stage to bring her the flower. She felt Quinn's eyes on her and both women shared a knowing and amused look.

"For that performance alone you should have gotten the award," Rachel whispered, which made Quinn chuckle. She knew fully well what Rachel was referring to.

When the lights brightened in the room again, Claire stepped forward. Again Rachel could not be bothered to tear her eyes away from the person on stage. She hung on her lips and prayed that she'd see them form the word _Bohemians_.

The card was pulled out of the envelop. Time seemed to stand still again. Claire's eyes dropped and a smile spread across her features. Rachel hung on her lips, forcing her to finally form the words she was waiting for.

"The Theater Wing's Tony award for best musical goes to…"again the theatrical pause that everyone involved could have done without. Then the name finally sprang from the presenters lips.

Rachel's head snapped around, had she understood correctly? Seeing the last letters being spelled by Peter, she felt her heart leap. She grabbed Quinn and pressed a passionate kiss on her lips. Only then the blonde seemed to have awakened from her astonished state.

"Oh my god, we won," she whispered.

Her cast mates were already standing, one of them reaching across the interpreter, pulling her up to follow them up onto the stage. Finally it hit home and Quinn beamed at Rachel over her shoulder, while she followed her colleagues.

Rachel's eyes never left Quinn's form as she stepped up on the stage. Peter scooted up next to Rachel in order to interpret the director's speech. On stage, Quinn hugged her partner Michael who played Antoine, the male lead role. They held each other for a moment, truly happy to experience this moment. Then she hugged John, the director and Leonor, the other actress who played Minnette.

It was more than gratifying to invest so much into a role, to live out the drama almost every night of the week and then having your work being acknowledged not only by the cheering audience, but also by the gild.

A happiness settled in Rachel's heart that surprised her a little, but at that moment, she managed to focus on Quinn, to feel her joy, her pride and her gratefulness. She was truly happy for Quinn. And she was truly happy for herself, and that was an interesting notion. Even though she sat there not being able to hear one word that was spoken or sung, she was still happy. There were ways to manage. There were people who supported her, friends, family and sometimes even fans or reporters. The others who didn't – well, just like before she would have to learn to pay them not mind.

After everyone on stage received one of the beautiful brass awards, the director gave his words of thanks.

Peter lifted his hands. Before Rachel dropped her eyes to his hands, she caught Quinn's look. Slowly the blonde lifted one of her hands and stretched out her thumb, index finger and pinky.

Rachel's lips curved into a smile, recognizing those words. It warmed her heart even more that Quinn never, not once, forgot to acknowledge her whenever Rachel attended one of Quinn's functions. Be it at the musical, the concert or here at the award show. The blonde was never shy to let Rachel know that the thought of her, that she was glad that she was there, no matter what the rest of the world thought about her admission.

The brunette felt tears sting in her eyes, when she lifted her own hand in the same gesture, shaking it a little. _I love you too._

John next to her noticed the little exchange and smiled.

Finally Rachel was able to concentrate again on Peter's hands and John Gertz's acceptance speech.

… _. I'm so proud of_ _the whole team_ _, all of them, of the hard work they put into this show, especially since we pulled opening night six weeks forward. I guess everyone here in the room knows what that means! I was sure that one time or the other I was about to have mutiny on board._

_Lot of laughter,_ Peter added in, before continuing. _We grew together as a family during this hard time of almost night and day rehearsals and I have to say, you guys – he turned towards his ensemble – make me really really proud. From the musicians, to the costume designers, the technical staff to the actors. I bow to you_ _, to all of you_ _!_

And he indeed turned around and bent at his waist in front of his staff. They all started cheering and clapping and Rachel watched the audience around her join in. There was a merry and happy atmosphere in the air.

Slowly the large group made their way off the stage in the back, waving and cheering all the way to the audience.

"They won best musical. This is sooooo wonderful," Rachel whispered to no one in particular.

John grinned and looked at her. The petite woman caught his gaze and watched his lips move. She held up a finger, turned back to Peter and tapped him on his hand. He leaned forward and John repeated his words.

_Sorry, I forgot._

"That's ok," Rachel answered.

He hesitated for a second and she knew he originally wanted to say something different.

_Isn't it hard for you to sit here? To see all this and not be able to hear anything?_

Rachel had watched him while he spoke and noticed that he hesitated when he delivered his questions. How was she supposed to answer that without a lengthy explanation?

"Well, I wish it were different, but I can't change anything. I can merely try to make the best out of the situation." Then she added after a pause: "Yes, it is hard, but it would be even harder not seeing Quinn and her cast mates receive the award for best musical, not to share her excitement of the evening."

_That's right. And, wow, that is quite an accomplishment to see it that way. I hope you can keep that positive attitude._

"Yeah, me too," she chuckled and caused her neighbor to grin as well.

On stage the order had been re-established and the next presenter came on. The brunette found it interesting and refreshing how easy it seemed to have a conversation with the help of Peter. She knew she would not always have the luxury of disposing of an interpreter, but when she did, she could almost have a normal talk with people.

She leaned back and enjoyed the next part of the show. Quinn joined her after the next awards had been distributed and quietly slipped back into her seat next to Peter. She reached across his lap and quickly grabbed Rachel's hand, smiling at her.

_Next, the category for best revival is up,_ she signed.

Rachel swallowed and felt her nerves start tingling again. She turned around and found her former colleagues seated not far from her, just two rows behind, a little to the right. Anna caught her eye and smiled at her, giving a little wave. Rachel partly regretted that she had not met them before the beginning of the show, partly she was glad that she was spared from the encounter. She quickly waved back and turned around again, catching Peter's interpretation.

The presenter was an actor unknown to Rachel, but he seemed excited enough about his job and the musicals he presented.

… _might know, in order to compete, there need to be at least three musicals from the same genre running on Broadway. The past years, Funny Girl was the only revival show. This year, however, we have two more live on stage._ _T_ _he three nominees in the category best revival_ _musical are:_

_Funny Girl,_

_Sound of Music and_

_Tommy!_

Every time the announcer mentioned her former musical, Rachel's heart made a little leap. She couldn't quite determine if was out of joy or out of regret.

The lights darkened again and the clips that were captured during one of the shows each flickered across the huge screens. _Funny Girl_ came up first and Rachel stared at the screen, not needing any interpretation, knowing by heart and soul those words, those notes, those feelings and emotions that were displayed by her successor. The blonde, tall and pretty actress really gave off of good performance, as far as Rachel could tell without hearing her sing. At least her expressions seemed to be right in the short scene she witnessed. Despite her looking quite the contrast to Rachel, she seemed to pull the role off. Well, that was a relief at least. Though, was it really? Didn't she want to think that she was still irreplaceable, hoping that no whatsoever talented singer could ever play the Fannie she had brought to life?

No, not really, if she was truly honest with herself. Even though it would be nice to know that she was the most talented Fannie Brice, it wouldn't help anyone anymore. And she'd rather have the musical go on being the successful show it was than losing its power because of less talented singers.

The last scene faded away and the stage lights came on again. Rachel focused again only on the presenters lips, knowing the words and drill by heart. Without further preamble, the envelop was opened again and thankfully - thankfully the guy did not hesitate to read out the words.

_"_ And the Theater Wing's Tony award for best revival musical goes t _o_ Funny Girl!"

Rachel gasped and clasped her hands in front of her mouth. Then she turned and pointed at the cast a few rows behind her and clapped her hand. "Yes!" she beamed and Anna, already standing up, turned to look at her. She lifted her hand and pointed back at Rachel, then lifting her thumb, telling her in her own special way that Rachel had been part of that success.

Rachel entwined her fingers and pressed her knuckles against her lips, hiding a smile and forcing the tears of joy and sorrow and pride away. Slowly, she sank back into the chair.

_They are playing the song_ _'Don't rain on my parade_ _' while they walk up the stairs,_ Peter informed her. Quinn indicated for them to switch seats again, knowing how emotional that moment was for Rachel. The brunette felt Quinn grab her hand, never letting her eyes waver from her face.

"I'm ok," Rachel whispered, pressing her lips together. From the other side she felt someone else give her hand a gentle squeeze and she threw a teary eyed smile at John. No words were needed. She understood his gesture.

This whole moment rattled her cage more than she had anticipated. In truth, she had not dared to think about his moment at all. She had not wanted to envision it, nor think about how she would feel if _Funny Girl_ actually won the award. Now the moment was there and she knew that no amount of thinking and planning would have prepared her for that.

She watched the whole crew assemble on stage, watched Drake Fulton, the director and Francis Keller, the producer accept the accolade, as well as Sandra Spencer, the new lead actress and the rest of the crew.

Drake stepped up to the microphone and Rachel's gaze leaned a little forward to see Peter's hands, who now sat one seat over. But Quinn shook her head and pulled her hand from Rachel's.

_Relax, I'll interpret for you,_ she smiled.

Drake and Francis gave their usual thanks, but then the producer announced something surprising.

_We know that our time for the acceptance speech is limited. But we were officially allowed an additional couple of minutes._

Rachel frowned and Quinn shrugged. She had no idea either what this announcement entailed.

Sandra pushed herself to the front and stepped up to the mic. She took a deep breath and Rachel wondered what she had to say.

Sandra just hoped they would not cut her off before she said what she had to say, knowing fully well that even though there were granted an extra moment, time was still limited. With a nod from the director, she smiled at the audience. Everyone seemed to wonder what was going to happen.

Rachel's eyes skipped between Sandra and Quinn's hands.

_We, the cast of Funny Girl, are well aware of pushing our time limit here, but we would like to use this moment to thank a special person. This person has helped to shape the musical from the beginning, has made this musical what it is today. We'd like to dedicate this award to one of our former cast members. She brought Fanny to live, laying the foundation for this award_ _we received today._ _She was and will be one of the best Fannys next to Barbara Streisand._

_Wow. Hadn't Sandra said those words herself, they could have been seen as an insult to her own performance. But as she delivered those words with an honest air, no one thought anything less of the blonde actress. Rachel scooted deeper onto her seat. She had a premonition that was hard to get rid off after those last words._

_'Don't say it, please don't,' Rachel prayed. But Sandra did say it and Quinn did sign it for her to see._

_We would like to dedicate this award to Rachel Berry!_

Anna came forward as well. Pointing at the seat where Rachel was sitting, she then waved her towards the stage. "Come on girl, get up here!"

"What?!" Rachel exclaimed not sure she had understood correctly. Her eyes darted between her interpreter and Quinn and Sandra back and forth. What the hell…It was one thing to verbally thank her, but something completely different to call her up on stage.

But Quinn was grinning at her teary eyed and when looking at the faces around her, the former singer realized that she had not misunderstood. It just needed a moment to sink in.

Rachel looked around her. John held up his two thumbs, grinning at her. He thrust his chin forward, mouthing _Go!_

Rachel shook her head. "But…" She didn't know what to say. Was she really supposed to walk up on that stage, stand in front of all these people? She broke out in cold sweat. Looking again at Sandra, the singer still stood there, smiling at her, holding out the award that someone from the cast had pressed into her hands.

Rachel was too afraid to go up there and make a fool out of herself. For a moment the panic seemed to make her unable to move. Then she felt a tap on her forearm.

Quinn got up and pulled Rachel up with her, past Peter who then stood as well to follow. Quinn's cast members smiled at her and some squeezed her hand in support. In the aisle, Quinn then turned her still stunned girlfriend towards the stage and pressed her hand against her back, urging her gently to go forward.

Rachel just reached behind her and gripped Quinn's hand, pulling her along towards the stage, holding on to her like a lifeline. She completely forgot about Peter and about anything they had discussed upfront with Quinn's manager. Her brain just did not function properly at that moment. She had to concentrate to put one foot in front of the other and to keep breathing.

The blonde had to smile at the tight grip Rachel exerted at her hand. Feeling her shake as Rachel made her way towards the stage, Quinn hoped she would not bolt at the last minute.

When they reached the stairs, she nodded at Rachel and gallantly held her hand up, while the brunette ascended. Quinn let the former _Funny Girl_ star walk up on her own, not wanting to steal her limelight. She positioned herself a little to the side, in front of the stage, her eyes never leaving Rachel, just in case she needed her support.

_Enjoy this moment,_ she signed when Rachel shortly looked back to her before taking the last step up. Rachel smiled at Quinn and then faced her former cast.

Quinn quickly glanced across the applauding audience, they all seemed glued to the scene unfolding on stage. It was the first time in the Tony Award's history that a deaf singer received one of the accolades. Even though it was honorary and organized by the cast rather than by the gild, it was still a first. And the jury as well as the organizers must have agreed, otherwise they might not have gotten the extra time. Surely they all were curious as to what would Rachel do and if she would say anything.

Anna and Sandra stepped forward and took Rachel into their middle before hugging her both.

Peter had followed her unobtrusively up the stage and stood slightly on the side, ready to interpret.

Drake and Francis also hugged her. Rachel felt Drake say something to her and when she stepped out of his embrace, Peter interpreted the director's words.

_Thank you for everything, Rachel. You helped us to receive this award. And thank you for being brave enough to come up here on stage._

Rachel nodded and smiled. She was still too overwhelmed to speak. She looked up and found Sandra presenting her the award. She said something to her, but Rachel just shook her head, indicating that she didn't understand. Peter took half a step forward and quickly signed Sandra's words to her.

_You can say a few words if you like._

She let out a long breath. "I'm not sure I can," she said shakily, but with a smile, making Drake and the other two women laugh.

Rachel hesitated a second then nodded and stepped forward to the microphone.

She found hundreds of eyes upon her, glad that she would not have to see them all due to the blinding stage lights. She looked back at her former cast then at Quinn who nodded and smiled encouragingly.

She looked at the shining medallion in her hands and then at the expectant faces in the auditorium, looking up at her. And the hazel eyes that looked at her with so much pride and love. That gave her the final push.

"I guess I don't have to say that I'm totally surprised, overwhelmed and almost speechless," she began, chuckling and throwing a glance at the cast. She noticed so many familiar faces, all looking at her with kindness, joy and also a little sadness. Turning back, she found the rest of the audience also training their eyes at her with rapt attention.

"When I lost my hearing, I never expected to ever have anything to do with music again. Much less did I expect to ever receive the one award I was striving for since being able to walk and talk." She glanced at the heavy object in her hands. "But life showed me that it often has different plans and surprises from what you expect." She smiled at Quinn.

"There are a lot of people I have to thank for getting me through the last year. Without them I would not have found the courage to come here tonight, much less walk up onto this stage." She made a sweeping motion with her free arm.

"I owe them my life and you know who you are!" Rachel sent a loving smile at Quinn who grinned back, bashfully. Then the brunette turned again back to the cast. "And I have to thank my former colleagues and especially Drake Fulton, our director for having given me the chance to play and be the Fanny he envisioned for two years. You made my dream come true and that is something that no one and nothing can take away from me again. Not even deafness," she smiled wistfully. "I also want to thank the cast for being such talented and wonderful people. To work with you was a special gift for me. It was a wonderful experience to help make Funny Girl become successful and I am truly glad that it is still striving." She nodded at Sandra to show her that she acknowledged her successor's works as well and quickly squeezed her hand, which made the woman smile gratefully. Then Rachel glanced at the award in her hands, lifted it up and smiled at the cast.

"Thank you! Thank you so much for this! And I'm very happy to know that this musical is still successfully running eight shows a week, is still making so many visitors happy and please keep pouring out your hearts on stage. I'm sure Barbra is proud of you! I know I am." Rachel weighed the medallion in her hand. "You guys are incredible!"

Turning back to the auditorium, she was surprised to find the audience standing while giving her ovations. It moved Rachel to tears and finally she let them fall.

"Good-bye Broadway," she whispered, but still everyone heard those words.

She would never have imagined that the final good-bye to her career, to her peers, to her voice would be so emotional and yet so rewarding. And never once she had thought it would be so official.

The audience knew that it was a good-bye for good for the great former singer. And most of them could imagine how hard it must be. So they stood up to give the actress, who despite her young age had already left a deep imprint on the business, her deserved final ovation.

Rachel bowed, signed _thank you_ at the crowd and then slowly turned around. She caught Quinn still standing at the side below the stage, her hand on her heart, again displaying the same gesture she had shown before. _I love you._ Then she listened up and added with her hands:

_Oh my god! They are playing your version of 'Where are you now'!_

Now it was Quinn's turn to press her hand against her lips in order to hold it together. Peter wouldn't have known, he hadn't heard Rachel sing before, but Quinn would have recognized this voice everywhere.

Rachel frowned. "What?"

Quinn just nodded, pointed at her and swept her right hand forward from your throat, her index finger and middle finger forming a 'V'. _Your voice._

Anna grinned, watching the exchange, guessing what it was about. She also nodded at Rachel.

The audience was still standing and clapping louder, many of them recognizing Rachel's voice as well. The brunette let her gaze sweep across the crowd, still amazed about the generous laudation they were giving her.

Sandra said something to her, while they slowly walked towards the exit. Rachel reached for Peter and pulled him close. She was aware that the audience was still watching, but she didn't care.

"Sandra, can you repeat what you just said?"

_Sure. I hope that it was ok for you that we asked them to play your recording as well. We just thought it would be appropriate._

Rachel gulped. "Huh. Appropriate? I… I don't know what to say. I'm just so overwhelmed. I never expected this. Any of this. This is your show now. I... I don't know what to say. How can I ever... This must have been difficult for you."

_Difficult for me?_ Sandra looked at her surprised. _No. To be honest, it was an honor,_ she gave Rachel a genuine smile and a small squeeze of her shoulder.

Finally behind the scenes, the brunette couldn't hold back any longer. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks. Someone pressed a tissue in her hands which she gratefully used to dry her eyes. Peter had taken the award so she had her hands free for a moment.

After calming down again, she glanced around.

"Thank you. Thank you again. This … you made a dream come true, even though I thought for the past year this could never happen. I… I'm.."

Drake stepped forward and just hugged her. Peter handed Rachel's award to the person standing next to him, ready to interpret. When Rachel stepped out of the embrace, Drake looked at her.

_You deserve this award. And I'm sure I'm speaking on behalf of the whole team here, that we are more than happy to have helped fulfill your last dream._

Rachel smiled. "Well, I have some new dreams," she chuckled, "but this one I will always hold close to my heart." She reached out and one of the singers pressed the award back into her hands.

Anna stepped forward and hugged her as well. Having met Rachel a couple of times after her accident, she probably understood most her former co-star's predicament.

They held each other for another moment before the cast dispersed slowly, all finding their way back to their seats. Sandra touched her elbow while she passed and smiled encouragingly at her and Rachel wordlessly presses her hand. She still needed time to digest all that was happening.

Anna held Rachel back when the brunette wanted to step to the side. Waiting until Peter had positioned himself right next to her, she then said:

_We didn't know if you would come. We would have dedicated that award to you anyway_ _, also if we had not won_ _and I would have brought it to you. But this way it was more official. I only realize now that we put you in a possible awkward position, calling up on stage in front of millions of viewers._

Rachel glanced at the award in her hand. "It was indeed a little shock. Well, a big one actually," she laughed and Anna chuckled as well. "I didn't know at first if you really wanted for me to come up on stage. But I meant every word I said back out there and back here behind the scenes. I would never have expected this to happen or to ever receive a Tony." She laughed. "I never thought that the whole team really still thought about me. And that Sandra also possessed the good grace to actually present this to me. She got the job after all because I had to leave the show."

Anna nodded. _She knows that. But just_ _like_ _in the sports industry, we all like a fair play in every sense of the word. To acknowledge someone's success and openly congratulate him or her without rancor shows real greatness for me. And this_ _what Sandra did, it_ _was_ _all_ _her idea. She went to Drake and together they asked the team if_ _we_ _were game. And of course_ _we_ _all were_ _._

"It was Sandra's idea? Wow." Again Rachel was at a loss for words. She had never thought about how it would be to meet the woman who got her job after the accident. Not that she ever wanted. But now that it had happened, she was glad she had the chance. Understanding what kind of person the new lead actress was, understanding how caring the whole cast was, left Rachel with a deep gratefulness. Her show was indeed in very good hands.

This realization washed over her and with it she felt the final tethers loosen that had still tied her the show.

Rachel wasn't sure she was up to getting back into her seat, she was still so overwhelmed and full of emotions. Quinn found her backstage, just hugging Anna again, before the _Funny Girl_ singer went back into the auditorium.

_Hey honey! Congratulations!_ Quinn smiled and hugged Rachel, pressing a kiss on her lips.

_You were so beautiful on that stage, so poised and true to yourself, really Rachel, you swept the audience away._

Rachel bashfully looked at her shoes. "No. I wasn't. They were probably just waiting for me to sound funny or speak strangely, whatever."

Quinn tilted her chin up and looked deeply into the brown eyes.

_No. They were not. They gave you standing ovations, Rachel. Many had tears in their eyes. Realizing what happened to you and seeing_ _that_ _your former cast still care_ _d_ _so much about your performance moved all of them out there._

_What they saw out there was a woman with courage, with strength and with dignity. You deserved this, truly._

She kissed Rachel again, sealing her words with that gesture.

"It's just so incredible that they really did that for me. Anna told me it was my successor's idea. I still can't get over that fact."

Quinn shrugged. _There are still some people in the business who care, who follow their heart, no matter what others think of them. But those acts_ _leave the biggest_ _impact. Whenever you look at that award, remember_ _that someone stepped out of her way to give this to you, remember that this person followed her heart, defying image, pride and unspoken rules. Always remember_ _your heart_ _as well,_ _Rachel. Remember your dreams and remember that you can always be a person to help other_ _s_ _make their dream come true as well._

Looking at the shiny object in her hands again, Rachel nodded. She thought about the kids she would take to the show, thought about Tom's project for which he wanted her help, thought about her friends and family and knew that this was not all about her.

Life was also about others, about helping others and through this act, also helping oneself.

At that moment Rachel understood her purpose in life again.

* * *

**I know that actually a show is only eligible for a Tony award in the year it opens. However, I changed that rule for my story. Also I moved the announcement of nominations and the show itself forward a bit. I'm aware that the nominees are not announced earlier than end of April and the actual award show usually takes place in June. Then again, this story plays a little bit further in the future, so you never know…**

**For the specific Tony Awards presented to a Broadway production,** **usually** **awards are given to the author and up to two of the producers free of charge. All other members of the above-the-title producing team are eligible to purchase the physical award.** **Even though Rachel was not in the official cast anymore, they all pitched together and bought one for her, with her name on it and the official plaque that marked it as best revival musical.**

***Sigh.*** **One more chapter left… Oh, I already feel so torn between relief and sadness! It's been such a great and long journey so far. Do you know that feeling, when you don't want a trip to end, but still you are happy to come home? That's how I feel.** **how fitting that I'm just sitting in the train bringing me back from Berlin to my hometown.**

**So, question for you** **… um… would you maybe be very disappointed if I did not take such a long break before continuing? Would it be very inconvenient for you all if I continued** **with** **the story** **rather sooner than later?** **Would it? Would it?**

**Anyway, I already have some ideas for a sequel, as mentioned before. If you would like to see something special happening (except Rachel gaining or not gaining her hearing back), send me your ideas!**

**Oh, and if anyone is volunteering for beta reading, let me know. After more than 70 chapters I have to relieve my brave beta Diannasbacon, I think.**

**Last but not least, sorry Coco, I couldn't help it** **:-)** **You** **just had to be included in here.**


	71. Chapter 71

**Dear readers!**

**Here it comes, the final chapter. I have been putting it off as long as possible, not wanting it to end. God, it's been an incredible journey over the past 1,5 with writing this story. Your reviews with your ideas, your feedback, your thoughts and feelings really made every letter I typed worth the while!**

**So far, the responses I have received for this story have been really encouraging and inspiring. Don't ever underestimate your own importance as a reader. You make these stories come alive in all your heads with all your emotions you put into them while reading. So thank you for pouring all these little pieces into this story, whenever and wherever you are reading it.**

**Thank you for sticking with me until the end!**

**And one huge and big THANK YOU to Diannasbacon for beta reading these many chapters. Wow!**

**Now, enough of the housekeeping stuff.**

* * *

**71 - Final Chapter**

The morning after the award show Santana knocked on Quinn's bedroom door. Quinn grumbled and pulled her pillow over her head. The Latina knocked again.

"Come on Q, get your ass out here. _Muevete_! And bring your girlfriend with you!"

Quinn groaned and threw the pillow against the door. "Go away!"

Rachel stirred, woken by the movements next to her. Quinn dropped flat on her back, her forearm over her eyes.

The brunette squinted at her girlfriend with one eye.

"Whassgoinon?" She mumbled sleepily.

Quinn pointed at the door. _Intruder alert._

"In the middle of the night?" The question was accompanied with a hearty yawn.

"Hmhm." Quinn nodded, her arm back over her eyes to shield herself from the light that shone through the window. Maybe not so middle of the night anymore. Damn. They had forgotten to close the curtains the night before.

Rachel luckily kept hers eyes open a moment longer and noticed the door open.

"Hey, ignorant bitches, you have guests waiting outside!" Santana entered the room fully when she had made sure the girls weren't involved in any lovemaking games.

"Santana, I have no idea what you just said, but it didn't look nice." Rachel grumbled. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the word bitches was involved."

Quinn had the good grace to repeat their roommate's words, which caused Rachel to sit up with a bolt. "Shit! Is it that late already?"

The Latina nodded. "Yup."

Santana wasn't any less tired, had she stayed up the night to wait for her friend's. She'd been so happy for them that she couldn't just go to bed. For the two women it was also a perfect way to wind down after the exciting evening. The Latina had anticipated that getting up in the morning would be a little hard on Quinn and Rachel and had taken into her own hand the welcoming of the guests.

A blonde, small head squeezed itself between the lanky form of Santana and the doorframe. Then, with a sudden spurt the little frame jumped on the bed and landed between Quinn and Rachel.

"Oomph!" Quinn groaned, feeling her daughter's knee land halfway on her stomach.

Rachel luckily had seen the little canon coming and was not as surprised. "Hey, Beth!"

She hugged the girl who had half-way fallen into her open arms, which luckily took the weight off Quinn's belly. With relieve Rachel noticed that the small blonde had had the good grace to take of her shoes before jumping on them.

Santana stood chuckling in the doorway. "This is your wakeup call, I'm getting breakfast ready," she also managed to sign for Rachel, before she left.

Beth was on her knees and excitedly bobbed up and down.

"Oooohh, can't we have breakfast in bed?" With that question she turned and snuggled between the two women.

Quinn laughed. "Good idea." Then she turned towards Rachel.

_Beth asked if we could have breakfast in bed._

Rachel grinned and sighed. "Oh yeah! Though I don't think we'll all fit in here."

"Maybe if we all make ourselves really small…" Beth suggested, while Quinn was helping out with ASL again.

Then the girl looked at Rachel.

"You looked very pretty last night. Were you nervous when you had to go up on stage? Did you know about the award? Were these people who gave the award to you your friends?" The questions bubbled out of Beth's mouth in rapid succession.

Quinn lifted herself up and scooted back to lean against the headboard.

Rachel gratefully noticed Quinn stop the torrent of words with a comment, signin in parallel.

"Now, Beth, you remember that you have to sign, if you are talking with Rachel, right?"

"Oh!" Beth duck her head. Then she looked up again, sorting her little hands.

_Sorry. I forgot!_

"That's ok, Beth," Rachel smiled at the excitement the girl radiated. She lifted her own hands. "Now, what did you want to know?"

Before the girl could answer, another head appeared in the doorframe.

"Good morning, sorry to barge in like that. Is Beth bothering you? I couldn't stop her," Shelby explained with an apologetic shoulder shrug.

"No, we were only bothered by Santana's oh so polite interruption of our beauty sleep," the older blonde grumbled playfully. She gave her daughter a hug and pulled her down to tickle her.

Beth squealed and squirmed, trying to get away from the offending hands.

"Stooooop! Stooooooooooop, puleeeeeezzz," she managed between fits of giggles.

Rachel jumped in to help Beth and soon all three were involved in a nice pillow fight.

Santana who had come back to check if the two women were finally ready to greet their guests, held up her hands in mock offense, turned with a roll of her eyes and ventured back into the kitchen. Shelby grinned and followed her.

After a couple of minutes all three of the bed fighters lay sprawled across the mattresses, panting and gasping for air.

"That was fun!" Beth exclaimed with a huge grin on her face.

They took another couple of moments to catch their breath, before Quinn gently reminded the little girl:

"You wanted to ask Rachel something."

"Oh yeah, right! But you were so pretty, too Quinn! But it was sad that you didn't win! At least you got a Tony for the whole musical that's great!"

"Yes, I'm really happy about that," Quinn grinned.

The singer's hands never rested during the small exchange, giving Rachel the chance to be part of the conversation.

Beth then repeated her original questions with Quinn's help, as she didn't know all the signs. Rachel tried to answer as honestly as possible and that seemed to satisfy Beth's curiosity.

_Did you know that they played your song at the end?_ Beth then wanted to know.

"Yes." Rachel inclined her head, looking at Quinn, then back at the girl. "Quinn told me."

In a spurt of girlish tenderness, Beth hugged the brunette, mumbling against her neck, while Quinn gave form to those words with her hands.

_It sounded very beautiful! And I'm glad that the other people gave you an award. I think you deserved it, really!_

"Awww," Rachel was touched. "Thank you, Beth!" She gave the small girl a gentle squeeze, before letting go.

Beth, back to her energetic self, jumped from the bed and dashed through the door, shouting over her shoulder: "I'll check if breakfast is ready!" leaving two smiling women in her wake.

"Wow. If you were like this when you were young, we definitely have to talk about whom of us is having kids," Rachel mumbled while getting up and grabbing some clothes. At the door she turned and held out her hand towards a stunned Quinn.

Rachel didn't know that it was possible to stutter in sign language, but Quinn displayed a good equivalent of it. With an amused expression on her face the brunette watched her girlfriend's reaction to her comment about having children.

_You… you… I mean… we… kids?_ She ended lamely and then a smile slowly appeared on her face as if she started to like the idea.

Rachel laughed. "Well, not right now. Right now, I have food on my mind and….. you a little," she stated and went back to pull her girlfriend up, leaning in to the approaching lips to catch a kiss. She kicked the door close with her foot.

A second later Quinn groaned and pointed at a smirking Kurt.

"Good Lord, we need a lock on that door!" Rachel exclaimed. "Or maybe we _should_ have breakfast in bed, since everyone seems to be inclined to come in here anyway."

_Aw, Rachel, it's not like we haven't shared a bed before,_ Kurt remarked with a cheeky grin.

"That was years ago and we just had a movie night! Besides, Mercedes was with us in that bed too!"

"Uh, a threesome!" Quinn laughed.

Rachel swatted at her hands. "You're not helping!" She complained in mock disdain.

"Yadda yadda yadda!" Kurt gave a dismissive wave with his hand before he signed and commanded: "Come here you two Tony ladies and let me hug you!" He waved them closer and heartily threw his arms around them.

After a moment Kurt released his friends to usher them towards the bathroom. _Come on, your guests are waiting!_

Before Quinn could ask him what he was actually doing here, he had already disappeared down the hallway.

_Anymore surprises you want to warn me about?_ She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Rachel chuckled. "No. I invited just some guests for breakfast since we couldn't have the party with our friends last night. But you knew about Beth and Shelby."

_Right. I just didn't know that Beth would greet us with her knee on my stomach,_ Quinn laughed.

Rachel crunched up her face. "Yeah, I saw that. Think you can still eat?" She asked with mock concern.

_Definitely!_ Quinn proved her point and nabbed at Rachel's shoulder.

Finally the two made it into the bathroom and managed to get some decent clothes on before stepping in front of their guests.

Quinn's jaw dropped, when her eyes beheld the amount of people, shortly before the shout:

"Surprise!" rang through the apartment.

"Oh my god!" She threw her hands in front of her face and then in unison with Rachel she asked:

"What are you all doing here?" Because there were some people that even Rachel hadn't counted on showing up.

Next to Shelby, Beth and Kurt were Blaine, Jenna and wait - Quinn's mom? And next to Judy stood – that was another surprise for Rachel – her dads.

Santana had a huge grin on her face. "Well, _mi hija_ , since you couldn't have your official party last night with us, we decided to give you a surprise birthday breakfast party, at least. Um, your mom and Rachel's dad actually just invited themselves," she chuckled. "I guess they couldn't wait to congratulate you two personally."

Hiram stood up, not forgetting to sign along his words. "Yup, totally our fault, sorry for barging in like that, but after what happened yesterday, we had to see Rachel and Leroy had the idea to ask if Judy wanted to come along. We warned Santana through, that we would come."

"Yeah, with a text message at 1.00 a.m." The Latina threw in, also moving her hands along.

Rachel couldn't hold back anymore and ran towards her fathers. Quinn, a little more composed, walked to her mom and the two women embraced.

"I'm so proud of you Quinn. I can't put into words what I feel."

Judy held her daughter at arm's length and took in the beautiful features. Quinn didn't need words at that moment. The fact that her mom had driven the whole way with Rachel's fathers to New York and the expression she wore on her face were enough.

She pulled her mom closer again and held her tight. "Thank you mom. Thank you for coming," she whispered, leaning into the embrace.

Rachel was sandwiched between her two dads who didn't seem to want to let go anymore.

"Um, daddy, dad, I can't breathe," a somewhat muffled voice drifted from their midsection up. Hiram laughed, and Rachel having her head pressed against his chest felt a rumble ripple through her body.

She noticed her dads give her some space so she could take a breath. "Thank you," she sighed relieved, brushing her hair out of her face.

_Berry, for a minute I almost thought I had to rescue you there,_ Santana sighed to her, having watched the emotional displays between the families while she and Kurt busied themselves bringing more food to the table.

"Thanks, but I managed to survive," Rachel chuckled, seeing Quinn's mom moving over to hug her as well.

Rachel was surprised about the gesture. After all, she hadn't met Judy yet, not since high school and certainly not since… all that drama. She was a little apprehensive that Quinn's mom would lecture about having hurt her baby, but apparently that was not the case.

A little shyly Rachel wrapped her arms around the blond, older woman for a short hug. Judy then looked around for someone to interpret. She held on to Rachel's hands while she spoke. Kurt had been closest and caught the questioning gaze, while Quinn greeted Jenna. He stepped closer and nodded at Judy.

_Congratulations for your honorary award. You were amazing, Rachel. I was surprised to see you actually walk up on that stage after… after all that happened,_ Judy shortly looked at Quinn and then turned back to the petite brunette, smiling. Rachel knew what Judy was referring to. She didn't mean any offense and Rachel didn't take any.

_I'm just as proud of you as of Quinn, Rachel. And I hope you will keep that courage you displayed yesterday._

She gave Rachel's hands a short squeeze, before letting go.

"Thank you, Ms Fabray," Rachel answered a little overwhelmed at the praise coming from Quinn's mom.

After all the greetings and congratulations where delivered, they finally settled around the breakfast table, sharing their views and tales of the evening before. More than once Rachel and Quinn had to tell how they each felt when the other was called up on the stage.

They all took turns interpreting so Rachel didn't miss much.

The most surprising comment came from Santana though, when it was her turn to tell her view of events.

"Oh my god.. I almost peed my pants when they called Rachel up on stage. Honestly I don't know if I would have gone up, Rachel. You have more guts than I give you credit for." She told the whole room before she took on an earnest expression. She lifted her hands again, signing only. _You are one of a kind, Berry. I love you._ And the Latina leaned over to give her friend a hug.

"If anyone of you repeats any of this outside this room, I will kill you!" She then added in the typical Santana fashion, pointing her finger at each one. This caused the room to break out in laughter again. Kurt had told Quinn's mom and Jenna what the Latina had signed.

Despite all the drama and emotions that had been displayed the evening before and during the recount of events, the whole atmosphere of the little celebration was light and joyous.

Rachel leaned back at one point, taking in the scene in front of her, watching almost everyone trying to speak with their hands however accomplished they were in ASL. A slow smile spread across her face. She still found it so surprising that so many people, be it family or friends, went so far out of their way to accommodate her.

The former singer was very grateful to experience that. And she realized that she owed these people. She owed them to cherish their support. She had to move forward, never giving up on trying to be happy, to make _them_ happy as well. Especially that one person that sat among them, looking up in that instant, sharing the smile with her girlfriend as if she could read her thoughts.

Quinn nodded slightly and raised her elegant brow, as if asking _Happy?_

And Rachel laughed and nodded, moving both flat hands, palms lightly touching her chest, forward in a circular motion. She had a blissful expression on her face.

_Happy_!

_Me too!_

… … …

Several weeks later when the last snow had melted, the sun warmed the grass and green leaves were already swaying in a light breeze, Rachel and Quinn had a little picnic in Central Park.

Rachel sat cross-legged on the blanket they had spread out and observed what was going on around her. She enjoyed the weather. It was one of those perfect spring days, when the sun was warm enough, but not too hot, a little breeze was tickling her skin and carried the scent of the blooming flours around her. She inhaled deeply. Lost in thoughts Rachel was playing with some blades of grass she had plugged a little earlier, wrapping and unwrapping them around her finger.

Quinn lay on her back in front of her and stared at the clouds, trying to identify little figures in their shapes. Her right hand lay on Rachel's knee and her index finger drew gentle circles on the surface of her girlfriend's jeans.

The brunette watched the people around her. She saw two young women reading to each other, it almost looked like they were learning some roles. That was something she'd have to take up soon as well, if she was lucky.

Two days ago she had auditioned for the role in Tom's movie. He had wanted to give her the role immediately when she told him that she approved the script. But Rachel had insisted on going the official way, she wanted to audition. Even though it was more or less her life being portrayed in that movie, she wanted to make sure that everything went the right way. And who knew, maybe there was someone out there who could portray the main character better.

If she wanted to be treated like a normal person, then she had to act like one. And that meant she had to succumb to the rules that applied for everyone. With a smile she remembered their argument.

_Rachel, just say it and you have the role!_ Rachel could almost hear the exasperation in Tom's voice, even though the words were just written down for her to read.

But she had her principles.

"No! I will audition; I will do it the official way!"

_But Rachel, this is your role anyway! I didn't dare to ask you if you wanted to act, because I wasn't sure if I was overstepping a boundary. But you have been my first choice from the beginning. You_ _have_ _the role_.

"Let's wait and see. Maybe there will be other actresses who might be better for the role than me!" That comment had surprised Tom.

_That doesn't sound like the Rachel I know! How come you don't think that you're the best?_

"I do," she grinned, mischief shortly flashing up in her eyes, before she became earnest again. "But I don't want any bonuses. Let me do it the regular way. Please!"

Tom threw up his arms in surrender.

_Ok. Fine. If you insist, you'll get an official invitation. But what will you do if the majority decides for another actress?_

"I don't know. Do I have veto rights?" She grinned again. "Just kidding. As hard as it might be, I will accept the team's choice. I want this movie to be good. And if it has a chance of being better because someone else is participating in it, so be it. "

Tom studied her for a moment.

_All right. As soon as we have decided which scene to use for the auditions you get to go through the official process, weird as it seems._

"Thank you! That's all I'm asking."

Rachel had looked at her friend then. She had the feeling he knew where Rachel's insistence on auditioning came from. She wanted to – needed to prove herself. Like she had said, she didn't want to earn the role just by being the woman the story was about. She wanted to be chosen because of her talent and nothing less. And she had also pointed out that maybe there was another actress who had a better access to her role _because_ she was not involved too deeply and could give the whole character a different approach.

Tom was sure that there wasn't such other talent out there. Not for this role. And he knew that Rachel would give everything she had. Deaf or not, that determination and drive was hard to surpass.

… … …

Rachel smiled remembering the discussion with Tom and that she had won her argument. There some more auditions this week until she would know the team's final decision.

She cast the blades of grass aside and played with one of Quinn's golden locks instead. After a while of this leisure bliss, Rachel inclined hear head and caught Quinn's gaze.

"Let's play a game," the brunette suggested.

Quinn stretched out her hands, asking: _What kind of game? I'm game_.

"Haha, very eloquent, Quinn." Rachel chuckled, and then proceeded to explain her idea. "You tell me what you hear and I'll try to identify where the sound is coming from."

_Ok_. Quinn turned her head, which prompted Rachel to exclaim:

"No! Don't look. Close your eyes."

The blonde cast a curious look on Rachel, but obeyed and focused on the sounds around her. She then lifted her hand and started to wave it in a general direction, only to be stopped by her girlfriend's fingers upon her own.

"No pointing. Just describe the sound."

Without opening her eyes and her hands still caught in Rachel grasp, Quinn commented verbally:

"Tough rules."

"Yeah. Now concentrate." Rachel ordered good naturedly.

"Yes ma'am." The comment was accompanied with a challenging look from the hazel eyes, before Quinn closed them again to focus back on the sounds. She rested her hands on her stomach to keep them from spoiling the game.

The first thing she noticed was the wind in the tree above her. She had not been consciously aware of it before, but it had provided a constant background noise, she now realized. She reveled a moment in the acoustic display before she moved her hands to describe the sound. Quinn kept her eyes closed in order not to betray the object of her description with a look.

_I hear a rustling, a soft whisper, as if there was a constant background conversation going on in some secret language between two parties. It is sometimes soft, sometimes a bit stronger, sometimes is stops for a second._

"Oh, that was a very poetic description. Hm, I'd say…. " Rachel looked around, watching the action in the park. But nothing seemed to fit the description at a first glance. Then she tilted her head upwards. She watched the green leaves of the maple tree above them move in the soft wind, stroking against each other in a little dance, moving closer, then being separated again by an unseen force.

Rachel smiled, finding Quinn's description very appropriate of the movement above their heads. She managed to recall the sound from memory and for a short moment it seemed so real and authentic, that she involuntarily let out a small laugh.

"You're hearing the wind in the trees," she then simply stated, gazing at her girlfriend with a gleam in her eyes, already enjoying their little game.

Quinn nodded, smiling at the joy in Rachel's face, wondering what secret revelation she'd just had.

_Correct. Very observant, darling._

"Next one," the brunette demanded.

Quinn inhaled deeply, trying to isolate one particular sound from around her. Like before, she closed her eyes again and concentrated.

_There is pure joy bubbling over, carefree and happy. Like champagne that floods out of the bottle as soon as the cork is pulled out. The sound describes one of the moments where nothing else matters, only the happiness inside you._

The slender hands dropped back on the flat stomach and the hazel eyes gazed up at Rachel, watching her trying to locate the source of the sound.

The brown eyes stopped and a smile lit up Rachel's face.

"You're hearing the toddler laugh with his mom. She's lying on her back and holds him up above her, playing airplane with him. He seems absolutely happy."

_Correct. He's cute!_

"Yes, he is." They both watched the mother and her son for a moment longer, before Rachel asked for the next challenge.

_There is a love connection going on somewhere near hear. Cupid has definitely shot his arrow at one of the two. The other though somehow sounds …restrained, insecure and artificial._

"Cupid's arrow… Quinn?" Rachel had to laugh. Quinn squinted at Rachel, grinned happily before she closed her eyes again and nodded.

Rachel turned and swept her gaze across the couples that dotted the green lawn. Well, there weren't many, just two that sat close enough so Quinn could hear them, Rachel guessed.

The brunette watched for a moment and came to the conclusion that this was not the pair her girlfriend had listened to. They seemed to be two students; both had books on their laps while wildly discussing something. But there was a benign air around them, laughter accompanying their words. No, both of them seemed comfortable enough.

She checked the other couple. The woman was leaning back slightly while she talked. She rubbed her right hand against her thigh and her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. The guy said something to her and again, the woman turned her head slightly away from him, playing with the charm on her necklace.

Rachel pointed unobtrusively at them. "You mean t those tow over there?" She asked quietly.

Quinn lifted her head and looked. _Yes, she just told him she would wait for him while he was on an extended business trip._

"Didn't looked like she really would."

_Didn't sound like it either, but I doubt in his love haze he noticed it,_ Quinn chuckled, feeling a little sorry for the guy.

Quinn sat up fully and broke the line of vision between Rachel and the two people she had been watching. The brown eyes focused on the beautiful face in front of her.

"Now, _you_ genuinely look like you want to be kissed," Rachel chuckled.

Quinn nodded and pursed her lips while Rachel was happy to comply.

After sharing a passionate kiss, they both lay back again on the blanket, Quinn's head on Rachel's shoulder.

Rachel's thoughts went back to the past months and all that had happened. Every person, every event that had accompanied her suddenly appeared to her like pieces of a mosaic.

Carefully she picked up every little fragment and put them into their rightful places. She said good-bye to some and found new ones that replaced the discarded ones. Those were new friends, new possibilities, new perspectives and …love.

One of the parts she had carefully looked at and then thrown away, was the one that held the word ultimatum.

Rachel no longer needed to give herself a certain timeframe to adjust. She would take every day as it came, she would be grateful for everything she had and she most definitely make the best out of it any given time.

Finally a new picture seemed to form itself in front of her.

The picture represented her life now.

Another analogy came into her mind. This "new" life somehow felt like wearing a new shirt. It fit, but you still had to get used to it. The more you wore it, the more it became your favorite one. Until it one day it will be too washed out and will be replaced by another one.

Rachel had come to wearing her "new" set of clothes with more and more ease. They fit better every day.

She was getting closer to being the Rachel Berry that Santana had seen. The one that took on every challenge head on. She almost felt like herself again.

As if reading her thoughts, Quinn lifted her hands and started signing

_Do you remember that song that I sang during my concert, the last one?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes, of course I remember."

_Do you remember the words "you are alive because you know how to love"?_

Rachel nodded.

_You are alive, Rachel and nothing can stop you, because you will always love and you will always follow your heart._ Then Quinn chuckled. _Well, maybe sometimes with a little detour, but eventually you will find the right path again._

Rachel laughed. "I've had enough of detours, believe me. I'm heading for the straight way." She thrust out her hand to underline her comment.

Quinn grabbed it and kissed it. _Just don't leave me behind again._

"Nah, never."

_Boy, am I relieved,_ Quinn chuckled and both started laughing.

… … …

Later that night there was a free concert in the park. They had moved closer to the stage and sat on their blanket under a tree. The orchestra was playing movie soundtracks. Quinn described to Rachel every song and how it sounded, when it was silent and slow and when the music swelled and whirled all around them.

The blonde had her eyes closed for a moment. Her body swayed slightly in the rhythm while signed.

Even though Rachel could not hear the music, she knew the sounds where still there, all around her. It bounced off her skin and as she took a deep breath, inhaling the warm scent of summer, grass and flowers, inhaling the music. Closing her eyes, the imagined the sounds in her head that Quinn had described, she let them dance on her tongue and when the music swelled again and the large drums sent vibrations through the air, she could also feel it.

When she listened inside, she was still filled with the sound of voices and laughter, of music and noise. And she would do everything to keep them alive as long as possible. She knew she'd have any help she wanted to breathe the memory of sound into her silent world.

It was still tough to wake up every day and be reminded of the fact that she was missing one of her senses, but as Lauren had said, it got a little bit easier to live with it day by day.

The project she held in her hand gave her a sense of fulfillment and purpose. She felt alive again, like she had something to live for.

She leaned back and placed her head in Quinn's lap. Looking up, she followed the blonde's continued description.

Rachel reached up and plugged one of the hands out of the air, pulled it down and placed a soft kiss on it, before letting go again. It was amazing that this wonderful person next to her had managed to show her how to love and be loved again. That was the most important reason to live, Rachel thought gratefully. With this kind of wonderful support and love they held for each other, anything seemed possible.

When the concert was over, a lot of people stayed around to enjoy the still warm air, lazily finishing their food and drinks.

Rachel's eyes wandered up to the night sky where she could make out some stars, despite the bright lights that still shone off stage.

She felt a nudge on her thigh.

_Rachel?_

"Hmmmm," came the lazy reply. The brunette watched Quinn through half opened eyes.

_I have a question._

_Really?_ Rachel grinned. _Why don't you ask it then?_ She signed back, too lazy to talk

Quinn fiddled a bit with the hem of her girlfriend's shirt. Rachel propped herself up on her elbows and tilted her head to get a better look at Quinn's face.

"Is it so hard to ask?"

The blonde nodded.

Rachel chuckled. "My, my. Must be some question." She sat up and crossed her legs. "Shall I guess?"

Quinn nodded barely noticeable. She needed to… she wanted to…. But couldn't find the courage to form the words. Maybe it was easier if Rachel said it out loud, but the blonde wasn't sure if she would ever guess what Quinn wanted from her.

Rachel's gaze left Quinn's face and wandered around the park, taking in the people that were still scattered around, the pretty lampions in the trees, the people clearing the stage and…

Her eyes darted back to Quinn.

"You want me to sing for you." Rachel stated flatly.

"I'm sorry. Forget it. Please forget I ever asked, well technically I never did ask, but…" Quinn rambled whispering. Rachel lifted her girlfriend's chin and shook her head with a questioning look, indicating that she wasn't able to read the words from her lips.

The blonde repeated them with her hands and Rachel just sat there for a moment, staring at Quinn's guilt ridden face not quite knowing what to do with that statement.

Quinn had heard her sing once, twice actually, if you counted the recording on the CD. She wouldn't have ask if you wouldn't have liked it, would she? And wasn't it such a compliment if Quinn really asked her to sing for her? That she wanted to hear her voice – not just talking, but _singing_?

What was the worst it could happen? That she missed a tune, but all in all she knew she could still sing a little. She knew Kurt would have told her the truth if it wasn't so. Time she trusted his judgment, because it was the only way she could know what she was still capable of.

She had agreed with him to work out a weekly schedule to keep up the level she still had. Singing. She did this for no one but herself. Ultimately it would help her with her speech level, just like her therapist had suggested. Quinn knew that she was practicing with Kurt and had never asked her before to sing or be present during one of their practices.

So before any more doubts could grow inside her head, Rachel bent forward and kissed Quinn's lips, then her hands.

Rachel didn't need to think long about which song she would sing.

She closed her eyes and took a deep – a very deep - breath. Then she forced herself to relax and to not get nervous.

When she felt the butterflies in her stomach ease down, she took another breath. She sent the required command to her vocal cords in order to get them to produce the sounds she could feel in her throat and body. The techniques she had learned with Jasmine and the practice she had with Kurt, helped to find the right cues.

When the first words drifted through the air, Quinn had to laugh, despite the tears that sprang from her eyes at hearing that voice.

It was a perfect choice.

_I gathered up all the sticks and stones_   
_Built a wall to keep out the ghosts_   
_But they walk through walls_   
_And I'm trapped inside_   
_Oh oh oh oh_

Rachel smiled at her, but didn't stop singing. It was the most beautiful thing Quinn had ever heard.

_Where there's shadow there is light_   
_Love is in the battle cry_   
_Even in the darkest night_   
_There is shadow and there is light_   
_Oh there is light_

_When your world falls apart_   
_Every question opens up a new room in your heart_   
_And now you get lost_   
_Wandering the halls_   
_Oh oh oh oh_

_Where there's shadow there is light_   
_Love is in the battle cry_   
_Even in the darkest night_   
_There is shadow and there is light_   
_Oh there is light_

_Hold your heart up to the fire_   
_Walk across a razor wire_   
_Even in the cruelest fight_   
_Love is in the battle cry_   
_Love is in the battle cry_

Rachel sang it quietly, not as boastful as she used to, but still it never failed to sent shivers down Quinn's spine. She lay down, her head in Rachel's lap, looking up at that beautiful face that first wore a very concentrated expression, but became more relaxed with every line.

Quinn didn't bother to wipe the tears away; she just let them flow freely. It was such a precious gift to hear Rachel sing. She locked the sound in her heart and would never let it go. Yes, she could listen to recordings of her girlfriend's former days, but having her right here next to her, hearing her produce those beautiful sounds was just better than any recording could ever be.

Rachel looked down at the woman in her lap and gently wiped the pad of her thumb over the wet cheeks. The words came to her lips without beckoning and her voice seemed to work on its own. She wished she could hear herself sing, she wished she knew how she sounded, but the echo she got from Quinn's expression told her everything she needed to know.

Quinn smiled and gently let the tips of her girlfriend's long hair glide through her fingers. "Thank you," she whispered, when the last note left Rachel's lips.

The brunette bent down and kissed the full lips. There was so much love eminent in that gesture that it didn't need any further words.

Rachel felt deep and pure contentment settle in. It was a feeling she had not felt for a very long time.

It had been a long and rocky road with lots of bumps and detours during the past year, but she had the feeling that she had arrived. This was home. A home she was not a prisoner anymore.

The walls of that home now held an open door.

Well, not just one, Rachel noticed smiling. On every side were wide and open doors; doors through which friends and family streamed in and through which Rachel ventured out in the world again.

At that very moment, Rachel was at peace with herself … and excited about what was still to come.

_The End_

* * *

**The song is "Battlecry" from Kyler England.**

**Thank you sole's_stories for prompting this last scene. She asked me if Rachel would sing again in the story and originally I hadn't planned on it. But then her little request triggered a scene in my head and… well, there it was. Thank you for your continuous ideas, discussions and support!**

**Guys, go check out Mandy Harvey, she is one inspiring young lady! She is the deaf singer I mentioned before.**

… … …

**I thought I would be happy now that I have completed this story. But actually I am not. I am a bit sad. Though I can now use all my free time to clean my apartment again, iron, wash my clothes… :-) just go back to doing the boring household stuff.**

**Oh, and meet my friends again. Friends – I need to check if I still have any…**

**I definitely need to review the whole story as well and correct some errors I noticed. A** **nd I'll definitely work on my Voyager stuff as promised a long time ago… (BTW I'm currently totally fan-girling Sarah Paulson and I have finally watched American Horror Story Asylum and I totally love AHS Coven. Will be dropping a short story for the latter. So if any of you also liked the show … )**

**I cannot express what I feel right at this moment. After having written over 400.000 of them ... words fail me now! I'm sad, excited, happy, melancholic… this story has accompanied me – well, many of you too, actually – for such a long time. And I can't say that I have closed this book completely, but at least the whole big chapter of new beginnings and rocky roads for Quinn and Rachel.**

**Remember your dreams!**

**And now... off to new beginnings!**

**E.**

**PS: You'll be happy to know that I have already written a couple of pages of the first chapter for the sequel.** **Maybe I'll drop a teaser…**


	72. Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author note

Dear readers,

I'm happy to announce that I have written a sequel to "A door in the wall" which will be posted today, July 6th 2015 here on Archive of Our Own. It will be called "The open door" and was created in the frame of the Out With A Bang Big Bang for Glee.  
  
I hope you'll enjoy the story!

Phoenix2013


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